My Pants

Updates on the betting pools

2009-10-28T11:05:00.000-05:00

Some updates on the pools we've got going around here.

Remember, these are the AFTER THE DIVORCE IS FINAL pools. All other pools are closed. If you didn't get a prize, that means you didn't win. Stop emailing me.

Pool #1: How long will it be before she tells me she made a mistake?

4 days

Congratulations to Jimbo C. of Alexander City, Alabama and Missy W. from Gulfport. You will be receiving your prizes soon.

Pool #2: How long before I can stop pretending to move on with my life and actually do it?

We're at six days and counting. If your bet was 6 days or fewer, better luck next time. We will be taking bets in this pool until it's over. Just email your credit card number, along with your name and contact information, to mypantstheatre AT gmail DOT com.

Happy Anniversary to Me

2009-10-26T00:00:00.008-05:00

I would have been married 7 years today. The final Divorce Decree was signed Thursday, October 22nd. I wonder when this all might go away. I wonder when everything will be final in my head and heart. I wonder when I can stop pretending to start a new life and actually begin.

------------------------------------------

I still haven't decided what I'm going to do with this site. Maybe keep it open for old times sake, maybe shut it down entirely, maybe change everything about it. I don't know.

I do know that I'm moving so most of these posts will be moved to the new place. I hope to have it up and running in time for the War on Christmas(c).

I've copied all of the divorce crap to another page, hopefully with eventual advice on how to handle yourself (or not, as the case may be) in a situation such as mine. You'll find the link to that at my new place.

You can, as always, find me through mypantstheatre at gmail dot com.

One more time

2009-09-12T13:45:00.000-05:00

...and just like that, she was gone.

I watched her collecting her stuff for four hours and it confirmed everything I've known for the last seven months.

I still don't understand how they could just stand by and watch this happen to her.

Now I have another one of her messes to clean up.

Fucking bullshit.

My Pants Theatre has gone dark.

2009-07-17T16:28:00.004-05:00

I guess that's it

2009-07-17T16:27:00.004-05:00

Our marriage is over.

I can never forgive you for this.

I love you.

Goodbye.

5 months...

2009-07-14T09:50:00.001-05:00

Wow. The 11th came and went and I ddin't even notice.

2 months to go.

I hope you change your mind.

I love you.

I really needed this

2009-07-10T22:37:00.002-05:00

Sometimes I stumble upon a bright, shiny, happy piece of the internet that makes me laugh like a hyena and forget all of my problems for a minute. Lately, a minute is more of a respite than ever.

From Something Awful
Nothing goes together quite like "FUCK YOU FAGGOT" and "GOD BLESS." It's the right wing Internet's version of peanut butter and chocolate.

If you don't know Something Awful, you should.

It's groups like this one that fill me with hope for the future of this nation.

Days like this...

2009-06-29T22:04:00.005-05:00

I see these stories...

...and I just want to share them with you.

Then I spend the rest of the day miserable.

Why are you still doing this?

I put my ring back on...

2009-06-17T21:33:00.007-05:00

I took it off on April 1st. On June 4th, after we talked, I put it back on.

I got a letter from that woman. You should read it. She says she knows your wishes. She's wrong.

I gave you three chances to tell me you wanted this divorce. You wouldn't. You gave me your hand. Given more time you would have kissed me.

I remember a time, a doorway and a kiss in a moment when all hope seemed lost. I remember that and I will not give up.

You've created a whirlwind from which you think you can't escape. I wish I could help you with this, but only you can stand up to those around you and tell them what you really want. Don't be afraid of them. Don't let them put words into your mouth, or mine, for that matter. Remember the waves and don't give in to the fear.

On June 4th, I put my ring back on. That's how much I believe in us. That's how much I believe in you. That's how much faith I have in our love for one another.

We can still save this.

I love you.

4 months...

2009-06-12T12:02:00.002-05:00

Yesterday was 4 months since you left.

Our talk last week was great. I want to do it again. And again.

Some thoughts on our communication situation:

You can create a new free email account to send messages to me. That way you could still keep your new email secret.

Dialing *67 and then my phone number will block the caller ID so I won't have your new number.

Even if there were a TRO keeping you from contacting me (which there is NOT), I would never take any action if you did. I'm not in this to hurt you.

Just some ideas...

I love you.

Thinking so hard about you...

2009-06-05T07:36:00.012-05:00

And now the coyotes howl and the wind does blow
Seventeen miles down a dead end road
Broke down in the desert in the dead of the night
Holding out hope for that lone headlight

Got to get to her before she's gone again
Pushin through despair and shuttin out the din*
And I been long gone but I’m closing in
Been down for so long this time I’m bound to win

And a midnight moon lights my way
I been rollin since the break of day
And if giving every inch of your soul for love is wrong
Let the devil come and take me away

And if giving every inch of your soul for love is wrong
Let the devil come and take me away

Midnight Moon - Brother Joscephus and the Love Revival Revolution Orchestra
*modified for my own selfish purposes. Having actually met these guys and spoken to them, I think they would approve of my motives. Actual lyrics here. You can listen to the song from that site, too. Cool.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Baby,

I saw this band at the Blue Nile at the beginning of May. I liked them so much I went to a shitty little bar in Mid-City to see them the very next night. I got to meet most of them and talk to them. It was great. They're from New York and we got along really well. I kept thinking how much you would like them, the people as well as the music.

I was extremely happy to talk to you yesterday. You looked wonderful and I just wanted to hold you and kiss you and let that convince you how much I want you to come home. You are an intelligent, gorgeous, charming woman who can do anything she wants in this world. These problems are such a small part of who we are and who we've been. I guess we let things get away from us. It was bound to happen. Marriages have problems. We never talked about the real problems. Instead we focused on the ones that were easy to talk about. We could argue about arguing, we could argue about money. We never talked about how bad a year we were having, about feeling isolated and alone. I ignored it for too long, hoping it would just go away. That was a mistake I intend to make up for if you'll let me.

We had five and a half really good years. Even with the hurricane. Even with all that other stuff. We hit a bump and it fucked everything up and neither one of us did enough to fix it but we still could. I want to get to number seven. I want to get to 10. I want to get to 25 and 35 and 50. I'm not going to pretend that we'll never be unhappy. I'm not going to promise that I'll never get angry. I'm not going to say that things won't be bad from time to time.

I can't promise that I'll never be afraid. I've only ever been afraid because I've had so much to lose.

I will promise that I will do my best to keep us from getting to this point ever again.

Even though you wouldn't say it, I know you still love me. You know how much I love you. I have tried to tell you why and maybe one day I'll have a satisfactory answer. For now it has to be enough that I am half a person without you. That has nothing to do with taking care of you or trying to rescue you. You bring me joy. You give me happiness. You make me feel safe enough to be silly and carefree. You do everything you can to touch my heart and that inspires me to try and do the same. I lost sight of that.

Just keep talking to me. Imagine how much progress we could have made by now if we had been talking for the last four months like we did yesterday.

Remember that there is nothing legal standing in the way of you contacting me. I don't care how mad everyone else gets and neither should you. This has nothing to do with them. No matter how much it might seem that everyone is tied up in this, the final decision is ours. Don't let anyone convince you to go against your heart. Not even me.

I wanted to hold you and kiss you and take you home and love you forever.

I was happy just to hold your hand, even for that brief moment.

I love you.

You know what?

2009-06-04T23:19:00.002-05:00

I'm not letting anyone scare me out of my constitutional rights. I am not now and haven't been doing anything wrong.

I'm going to start re-publishing everything, starting with the messages to my wife. This will probably wreak havoc on those of you who subscribe to the blog through a reader (both of you). I apologize for the inconvenience. There will be nothing new in there before today, so delete with impunity.

BTW, comments are open on this post. Just in case anyone has anything they've been dying to tell me. :)

This changes everything

2009-05-18T14:50:00.004-05:00

I had to pull everything down because I knew she was coming after me.

Once you tell me it's ok, I'll put it all back up. You'll like it, I promise.

Thank you for what you did. When I realized that you had done that for me, the dying hope was revived. A little bit.

Whatever it is, I can make it up to you.

Whatever we need to do, I have no doubt we can.

Remember, you have nothing to stop you from calling me. Nothing to stop you from writing me. Nothing to stop you from finding me. And I'm not that hard to find.

I love you.

Three Months...

2009-05-11T08:30:00.001-05:00

Only three more to go. Or is it four? Since I have been slowly dying for the last three, it would be nice to be certain when it will be that my heart finally bursts.

The days are flying by. Before you know it, it will be too late.

I love you.

You are...

2009-05-08T23:32:00.002-05:00

still my favorite

still the best one ever

still the light of my life

still gone

Another dream...

2009-05-08T13:40:00.006-05:00

So in this one,

I wake up to find her in the bed. Like nothing has happened, she rolls over and kisses me. I am overjoyed. Then I realize she's in the house to which she no longer has keys.

"How did you get in?"
"It doesn't matter. I love you."
Kiss.
"I love you, too. Does this mean you want to come back?"
"Yes, I do."
Another kiss.
"Well, we'll have to talk about that."

The expression on her face changes and I brace myself for what's about to happen...

I woke up. I cried for some time. It was only 6AM, so I'm pretty sure I cried myself back to sleep.

The alarm went off at seven and I really didn't think about it until several hours later.

Then I did.

I fucking hate dreams.

Sunday Afternoon

2009-05-04T08:30:00.001-05:00

The cardinals are back with a new baby.

The ligustrums are blooming. The bees are buzzing all around them.

We have a family of bluebirds this year. I don't know from where, but they are so pretty, I don't really care.

The hummingbirds are fighting over the feeder.

The blackberries are ripening and dying on the vine.

I miss you.

I don't know if you even realize this

2009-05-01T20:22:00.006-05:00

Do you even know you're absolutely destroying my life? Do you realize all the work I'm doing just to keep up with that woman's ridiculous demands? What the hell are you doing? What do you have to put up with in the midst of all this? What's your contribution? For all I know, you just sit there at PJ's drinking coffee and probably bemoaning your self-inflicted fate with whomever will listen, all on daddy's dime. Meanwhile, I'm busting my ass so that I'm not completely broke by the end of all of this. Thank you so much.

You probably don't even know what's going on. I'd be surprised if you could even comprehend the enormity of this debacle you've created.

I do not deserve this. I did absolutely nothing except love you to death, sacrifice over and over again, take care of you and stand by you through all the pain and trouble. You know what I get for that? Not even a fucking text-message on my birthday. Not a card. Not a "Fuck you, I'm glad you're a year closer to death." Nothing.

At the end of all of this, that's exactly what I'll have. A house that's mortgaged to the hilt, a ten year old car and jack-fucking-shit while you can roll around in your thousands and thousands of dollars you managed to earn by walking out without a goddamn word. You didn't even give me the courtesy of a reason.

I hope you have a good weekend. I'm going to be stuck inside finding and copying every damn scrap of paper we've managed to generate for the last three years because of that fucking woman and her bullshit busy work.

I am so fucking ANGRY at you. But for some fucked-up, dumb-ass reason that even I can no longer fathom, I still love you and wish you would come back.

I am such a stupid, stupid asshole.

Eleven weeks

2009-04-29T08:30:00.003-05:00

It's been eleven weeks since you left without a word. Without a reason. Eleven weeks since you started this long and slow assault on my heart and my mind.

You can repeat, "They told me this, they told me that," all you want but it doesn't change the fact that it set into motion the events that are destroying our life.

Eleven weeks ago I thought that everything would be fine. Eleven weeks ago I believed you when you said you would never leave me. That you loved me so much that it scared you sometimes. Eleven weeks ago I thought that nothing could possibly tear us apart.

Really, after everything we've been through and survived? September 11th. Katrina. A robbery. Two fires. The accidents and illnesses. Our love not only survived but was strengthened by all of that. Now, for it to be sundered by a shadow of a thought seems ludicrous.

I've told you before, I would be a fool to give up all the good times to avoid just a few bad times. Now you are playing that fool.

I'm not stupid or naive. There has been great damage done this time. The road back to where we were will be long and it will not always be pleasant. I know we can do it. Together we can survive anything.

You have been for so long my only source of joy, of happiness, of solace and comfort. I've tried to make that clear to you but I know I've fallen short too many times.

I've stood by you in all your difficult situations. Only your love could ever have made that possible. Please bring it back to me.

Tuesday, March 3

2009-04-28T08:30:00.001-05:00

Do you know what I was doing at home in the middle of the day on that Tuesday when you showed up to collect some things? The azaleas were in full bloom and I was cutting some and aranging them in a vase. I was going to bring them to you at work. I wrote a note. On the front it read:

If I have to beg and plead to the symphony...

And on the back:

Please come home.

I was doing something else, as well. I was trying to find someway to get you what you wanted without giving anything up. I called a bunch of people, including the Mandeville woman.

Then you showed up with them.

That was eight weeks ago. Tuesday, March 3rd. Had you already decided on this course then? Was it after the gentlemen who escorted you to the house told you you couldn't come back?

Not a week before then you had said TWICE that you did not want a divorce and then all of a sudden it happened.

I know you didn't come up with this on your own. The person I married knows that I love her more than anything in the world and I could never stop. The person I married wouldn't intentionally destroy both of our lives and throw away the last 15 years. The person I married is not that cruel.

I have tried so hard to hate you. I have tried so hard to be angry and curse you and wish you were dead, but I simply can't. I know this isn't you. I know that it can't be you. I have proof. I also know that these are not the actions of the woman I love. These are the actions of a being devoid of a heart and a soul. A being who can not love. One who can only hurt. Not you. Not my Face.

Break free and come back to me.

And continue to watch this space.

I don't know why...

2009-04-27T17:00:00.004-05:00

Why can't we just talk?

I haven't spoken to you since the night you called me to say how sorry and sad you were. You know, the night you signed the papers? That didn't make sense then and it doesn't make sense now. And it was almost 2 months ago.

I can only hear your voice on our voicemail greeting.

I can't stand it.

What do you think about every day? I think about you almost constantly. When I'm trying to distract myself I still have you in the back of my mind. The only thing that's been able to push thoughts of you and the pain of our separation out of my head completely was jumping out of a goddamn plane!

This can still be fixed. I know you want to. I know how much you love me and I love you. I know that you can break free of whatever is compelling you to continue this. I know you think you're protecting me, but this hurts more than anything else possibly could.

Please, just call me.

At the very least, please keep coming back here.

We're gonna have a good time...

2009-04-21T08:53:00.009-05:00

There's something very sad about an ungiven card.

As I've been going through the process of dividing my life into piles and lists of hers, mine and ours, I've found some things that I thought I had lost, things that I had forgotten about and things I really never knew we owned.

And I found this:

It's a birthday card.

Obviously, it's something she intended to give me once upon a time.

I really wish she had. Somehow, this ungiven, unaccepted, blank card makes me feel so much worse than if it had her words, her scent and her signature inside.

I'm 35 today.

This is only the second birthday I've spent without my wife in 14 years. The first time it happened for almost the same reason.

Happy goddamn birthday to me.

Fuck.

Puzzling

2009-04-20T17:51:00.003-05:00

I had a dream about her last night. We were sitting at a table. She had tears in her eyes. She reached for my hand and then pulled away.

Of course, then the cat woke me up.

I wasn't sad. I wasn't upset. I was puzzled.

Which stage is that?

Ladies and Gentlemen...

2009-04-16T01:30:00.001-05:00

The official song of the State of Louisiana

You are my sunshine
My only sunshine
You make me happy
When skies are gray
You'll never know dear
How much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away.

The other night, dear
As I lay sleeping
I dreamed I held you in my arms.
When I awoke, dear
I was mistaken
And I hung my head and cried;

You are my sunshine
My only sunshine
You make me happy
When skies are gray
You'll never know dear
How much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away.

Hope you had a good time.

2009-04-15T15:43:00.005-05:00

I was wondering when you'd be back. I see she was here, too, and had a really good look around from what I can tell. I can't imagine what she found so compelling.

You think I should be worried?

:)

Love you.