Detoxification and culture

On a third day on three hours a meal

2007-01-23T20:38:00.000-08:00

Its no big surprise..ok, it is...I have lost a pound and a half. let's face it, its all about recreating something that's gone. I've been thinking about what i looked like when i was in my late twenties. My body was smoking. Before the weight...at 164 pounds, I was really attractive. I want the weight back so i can look at that body again. I realize now that even if i lose the weight i will never have that body back. My breast are hanging, my ass has celulite. I am getting old. My skinn will hang off my arms because I have no musce tone, and almost never did, by the way. And so many stories have piled up about people who will be jealous and unhappy if i am successful at anything, it seems to me I have to get away from all this to like what i have now. The truth is, I look pretty ok now. even at 204.5 pounds. The every three hours rule isn't too bad; and i want to make it to the full 30 pounds off. I also need to go through some other pretty significant changes. I don't know.

A new plan with less resolve

2007-01-21T11:53:00.000-08:00

Well, now that I have completed the detox portion of this project, I am now entering the eat healthy but every three hours stage. This one addresses the idea that you will drop weight and feel better and more energetic if you eat every three hours...about 100 - 250 cals/3 meals to 400 calls/ 2 meals. This is more of a calorie counting diet. And I have to admit, on this first day, that before I digested the last meal, I have to eat again, so I am a little leary about it. Although this one doesn't have the constraints my first fourteen days imposed. Supposedly, I'm supposed to drop weight painlessly and in bulk. Hmmm.

I prefer something like this which has only the one promise of weight loss. No promise that the obsession with the concept will make you a happier and more connected human being. The last word on the past few days? Binge! Let's see if I can do two weeks on this idea.

Day 14, 15 and 16

2007-01-16T09:01:00.000-08:00

What a rocky end. On the one hand all I wanted to do on the last day of my detox was consume "bad" fat. On the other hand, I couldn't stand the heavy feeling. I have to admit that I was taken aback by the result. I weigh 205.5 now. I am nervous that now that I am off the restrictions, I will be consuming a lot of shit again and gain all the weight. To tell the truth, it is still the only motivation. The heavy feeling, I felt I could get used to again real soon. The health benefits didn't seep in. I had a salad last night more because i think I'll miss the restriction. I don't know. I think I will keep logging my changes until I fully understand its impact; if there is an impact. As for all my other work, well, I am trying to get my diss done along with my reviews. Its all a work in progress. I only have to lose 30 pounds to be where I want to be. The success of the project is countered by the belief that success is not really possible. Its more important for the latter to be true than to believe that I can achieve what i desire. I will have to rethink where and how these ideas developed. Its not merely a fear of disappointment. That is, I can believe that I will be disappointed if the latter is right, so I make the latter the rule. This way I pre-empt the disappointment. The other thing is when people remark that I have lost weight, I think I am uneasy. Its like a premonition to me that I will gain it back and the "glory" will fade, like the results. I don't like it when people notice changes in me. It makes me feel public and under a watchful eye. I like some invisibility. In my own private quarters I can be whatever i choose to be. I can enjoy my own progress and note the fragile and delicate balance that is necessary for the change. I am unesay when people say things to me because my relationship to these comments is old and precarious. In school i was the ugliest thing in the world, by other people's comments. In church I was very attractive and "hot." It all added up to my insanity. I detached from both in a fundamental way and started to seek other things more important and substantive to me. The, "you look great" comment is about the same as the "illlllllll" followed by laughter. I feel very uncomfortable when I am judged for my appearance. That's just another layer.

On day thirteen I had a tub of popcorn; on day fourteen I had ice cream and apple and blueberry crumb dessert; yesterday I had french fries. It seems to me that i won't just give up these splurges, and I wonder how long it will be before they consume all together. Before they become all I eat. We'll just have to see, Today I am feeling japanese, but i am tempted to have the tuna and mayo combo. I am thinking I can have the white rice that rolls are wrapped around, but the soy sauce will inevitably put weight on for tomorrow's measuring and i think that will be my downfall. Once I see the weight go up, I'll conclude that maintaining is pointless. Alas, my conundrum.

Day thirteen - what have I learned?

2007-01-13T10:30:00.000-08:00

On this day I am thinking that I have learned to know my body a little better. This morning I woke up and knew what i weighed and how I felt about health. My beliefs about dietary habits has not really changed. I'm not more in tune with eating healthy, I am tired of it. I want a steak, medium rare, as a speak. But I knew when I got on the scale that I would either see 207.5, at best 207. In thirteen days I would say I probably lost something like 4 or 5 pounds if i consider don't count the water weight loss, which I will gain, undoubtedly, after this project is over. Even so, I woke up and realized that I knew when my body felt lighter than the day before. Focusing so heavily on how my body feels got me to realize that maybe my body operates on different beliefs, although they are beliefs I was always in tune with. The dietary thing is still a difficult one for me. I am still very angry, I realize. And I also see the nature of this anger and disappointment. It goes way back. And I will probably never be able to transcend it. My approach is to expect to be disappointed. That reality and my wishes do not correlate. All this to say, I am realizing my own weaknesses in a way i did not attend to them before. Still, five pounds is five pounds.

Day Twelve - More Negative input?

2007-01-12T11:56:00.000-08:00

I am suddenly beginning to see the trend of my own speech. In twelve days i have hardly said anything positive, and when there was something positive to say, i put it under a microscope. Its like I don't question the negative aspects, just the positive. That's a good thing. I wanted to see the way my language works with this "diet." I woke up this morning and weighed in at 208. Its not that i thought that this represented the actual weight. i did eat quite a bit of fat yesterday, but rather, i trust the negative more than the positive. the negative tells me where i am destined to go; the positive, where i want to go. I don't trust that what I want is attainable. Interestingly enough, I didn't have even a little elixir yesterday. I guess I got fed up with the mix. So I guess at the end of this project there is an understanding that I may not want success because it would mean that i am wrong about getting the things i want. I generally expect disappointment. There are a lot of reasons for this that go well beyond the physical health issues. I can begin with my childhood, but ultimately, I see things through a rather dark lenses. This is good to know. I have to begin to question my spirit now.

Day Eleven - Almost fell off the block

2007-01-11T16:58:00.000-08:00

Today I was fed up; I hardly had any elixir and I almost stopped at a dinner for the "works" before a friend of mine stopped me and forced me into a thai restaurant. She pretty much saved me, but I am running out of steam. I want some kind of protein; eggs or fish will do. To wait until the 14th is absolute murder now. I can not see the options or the benefdits of this diet from here. I slept for three hours at 5:00 just to avoid being awake and looking for a way out of eating whatever the hell i want to eat. There's also the 207. I weighed in this morning and i think that is what this is about. I am more certain that that is what i weigh, but now comes the part where I feel the weight of irrationality. Suddently a little bird is talking a mile a minte about the logic of not cheating just one day when I've been so good the past 10. It also wants to remind that when I stay one just one way of eating, my body gets used to it and it packs on the pounds as soon as I start to have something like a steak or burger; I am sabotagng myself by being this strict (which, by the way, given the stuff I had been consuming like soy coffee, its not that bad). Come to think of it, maybe that's why the craving got so strong. I stopped at Starbucks for a grande cup of soy latte. I am supposed to be strong enough to push the weight loss pass 200. If I lose another 7 pounds, and I don't see how it would hurt to eat a little fish a little early, then I will be under 200. If I can do that, then I MIGHT be able to foresee the extra twenty five pounds that would put me back where I want to be. I am happy to say that my sister looked good when i saw her today, but I don't know where or how the other one is doing.

Day Ten - Weakening on sodium and smoke

2007-01-10T07:14:00.000-08:00

Here's the interesting thing: I didn't trust the 207 yesterday; today I'm 208.5. OK, I had chinese food. Just tofu and veggies, but filled with sodium and fat. I was hungry and I came home and had a little more soup, but OMG, I knew it was too much already. Light food, light weight, right? Well, if that wasn't enough, I was dying over the smoke project, too. I am trying to quit. but it feels hopeless. I think I'll visit the doctor today and ask for help. As for the weight thing. I feel my body and I know its panic buttons are when it feels light. I think I'm not meant to be light.

Day Nine - Cessation Smoking

2007-01-09T09:41:00.000-08:00

Well, I got on today's scale and i weighted 207.5. Good, right? Well, no my question is whether i will upset the whole thing if i try to stop smoking now. Its literally killing me. I think I'll go see a doctor, but I'm afraid they'll try to convince me that I should let the weight go back up. Its not cool. Believe it or not, I am convinced that i am not a smoker. Not that i am not addicted to smkoing, but that I was never meant to put the stick in my mouth. I currently can't imagine life without it, but I want to stop because it slows me down to a ridiculous pace. I am convinced it is partly responsible for the sloth I've been feeling lately. The regular thing is to do stuff in the morning then smoke then sleep. Its horrible.

Anyway, the other questions, about culture, still remain. How much of my cultural conviction, and personal convictions lie beneath this project. With oly a few days left on this thing, i am wondering whether I'll make it and still be able to locate my original premise. If not, that's OK too.

Day eight - over a hump

2007-01-08T13:07:00.000-08:00

I'm still 209 and I ate a big bag of popcorn at the movies yesterday. Today I had a handful or two of cashews. My frantic obsession with why the weight won't drop easier is lessening. I could blame the popcorn and the cashews, but I guess the way I see it, I still should be under since the popcorn was about all I ate along with some scrambled tofu and a boiled plantain. I also think that given my diet consisted of McDonalds and KFC, my body's metabolism shouldn't be acting up so stubbornly since my calorie intake is a lot less, so is my fat intake under the circumstances. Its times like this that i think my body demands a very strict adherence that i can not provide; even then I think my body notes when i am restricting my diet. It has no problem gaining weight, but losing weight is another matter. It is on some type of survival mode that I can never seem to puncture. When I was younger I starved myself. I am human and i guess my humanity demands that i not restrict myself so much that i can't enjoy popcorn and nuts. Its an internal philosophical difference. Well, I'm having some squash now, and i guess that my body will resist and so will I.

The spaghetti squash is nasty. I never had it before, and I will never buy it again. Oh well. I guess I'll have to do with a salad or something. In any case, this really has very little to do with the health factors, doesn't it? Its just that I feel the same. I don't have more energy, although I have been coming up with ideas about my dissertation and other things. That's good. I still want to sleep, but that's not that easy either. My hours are very late, but when the time comes, I'm too tired to do anything, including sleep. I take the sleeping pills at night to keep from staring up all night. Then in the day, I want to sleep, but I can't. Its a perpetual exhaustion. I wish I could just think to write instead of waiting for the sleep to come, but its my habit. Working is not a habit I picked up that I perceive as "the good."

Anyway, I must seem like a whiner, but, ehhh, so what? The point is nothing has changed, so I am hoping for a superficial change...my body shape. Well, that's an ongoing war. Nothing wrong with me, just pure psychology.

Day seven - getting tougher

2007-01-07T12:26:00.000-08:00

Today I might not make it. I am so hungry right now that i can't even imagine what i would do if it were not for the fact that I am at home with nothing at all to munch on. I got on the scale this morning and found that I gained a pound and a half, and now comes the easy part: it didn't really work! I'm supposed to go to the movies today, but what do I want to do? Eat popcorn. Lot's of it, too. That would be two days in a row that I veered off the path. I am still having my elixir, but now i am consuming some starches like plantains and potatoes. Its not a lot, mind you, but its enough to actually give me weight rather than lose it. On the other hand, my poop is a lot lighter and regular. I don't know. I guess I'll try to stick it out. But this half way point is proving a lot harder than the beginning. What was i doing this for again?

Day six - on to the beautiful

2007-01-06T11:48:00.000-08:00

Well, its not that I have decided that this program makes me feel beautiful. On the contrary, I got on the scale in my usual obsessive manner this morning. I could not stand the fact that I was still 209 pounds, considering I am eating less that 1100 calories a day. In my frantic, this is about the weight loss, manner i began my usual pathological conversation: "its because you don't exercise; its because you're in long island and there is nothing to do; its because you ruined your metabolism when you were a kid; it could be worse if you stop smoking; its because God wants you to stay fat; its because you believe you are meant to be fat; its because your mind can not accept anything less than 200 pounds, it wants you to stay within the 206 to 209 range until it can push you towards three hundred, which is inevitable because you are supposed to be fat; etc.

See, the point is that I am not directed towards the beautiful. Its not that losing weight will make me beautiful, at least not the beauty i mean, but its about thinking positively; by beautiful, I guess I mean seeing myself within something beautiful. I question "what is beauty?" but more importantly, I believe in the unfortunate and the downtrodden. I mean I believe in it; its not just that I avoid it, or I think it exists if you fail to do certain things, I mean when i say "my mind goes crazy when the scale says I am still a certain weight" I mean that I come face to face with a certain truth about what i believe; that poverty is my destiny. By poverty I mean, that poor health, lack, and general loss of the beautiful are predestined qualities of my life. I was thinking about this post and how to write something that would make you the reader feel glad you met me. It occurred to me that if you are reading this, you must think I am just bitching all day and night and I have nothing to offer. I was thinking you would be right. Unfortunately, this is what i have to do to get to the bottom of my project. I have to understand whether this downtrodden, poverty stricken narrative came from me or was passed on from culture. And if there is a combination to the two, what can really change in a detox pr gram?

I'm sorry, please don't read anymore if its boring you or depressing. There aer many others out there that inspire. My job here is not to inspire, but to investigate why people need inspiration in the first place.

I did a very naughty thing; I cheated. I had a piece of decadent chocolate. It was outrageous, but it looked like a piece from the movie, Marie Antoinette, and i couldn't resist. It was sugar and pure fat, but oh what a joyous splurge! Now, its all about not losing myself. One piece is the death of me!

Day Five - 209 and losing

2007-01-05T08:57:00.000-08:00

Losing what? Everything I suppose. Most importantly, my convictions. If I succeed, I'm wrong. That may be the biggest loss yet. Perhaps that's what I don't want more than I want my health.

Day four - tasting lemons and maple syrup

2007-01-04T07:52:00.000-08:00

I'm already getting sick of the taste of the elixir. I'm emotional today; woke up with the usual sad story daydream. Those are always the worst! They mark my day and I want to run away. Running away while on this detox plan is no picnic either. Even if i had the money to do it, I would have to prepare enough of this stuff to get away with it.

I've been getting pretty bad headaches in the evening. I think my body demands fat at night, so that's been the hardest thing to get used to. I'm also afraid that if I run, I won't write and that's never good.

I off.

I started a new blog which means I will be spending a little less time with this one. i am beginning to see the relationship between my appetite and my eating. I am depressed over my lack of urgency to finish my dissertation, so maybe its all true. Maybe I want to eat as a diversion from dealing with the things I have to deal with. I've never been so afriad of homelessness in my life, yet I fail to understand that what I am failing to complete today is directly related to that end. For some reason my headache is back, although I am begininning to suspect that its because I am still smoking. I don't know if I can stop smoking and detox at the same time. It seem implausible for me to take the two on simultaneously, and yet it seems to defeat the whole purpose of the detox. I have to remind myself that the detox process is not about a healthy body, per se. I still want to try and accomplish my cultural goal in observing a different cultural atitude towards health and fitness, but I am beginning to care a little less about where I cam from. I like the weight loss. Its all I care about in this project, which is why if I stop losing weight, and I believe I will plateau sooner, maybe in the next day or so, I will care less about the detox. I wonder if I will give up at that point. In other words, I find that I could care less about eating healthy. If it doesn't yield the benefits of significant weight loss, I just don't seem to care. So, the smoking, in that sense, makes sense.

If I can understand why healthy eating habits are making me better beyond weight loss advantanges, maybe I'll stick it out. So far, I'm hungry with a goal.

Day three - On the power of influence

2007-01-03T11:31:00.000-08:00

The friend who is doing this project with me mentioned that I was being "melodramatic." Am I? In-flu-ence is a virus. In one clear shot I can bag this whole project, or simply reduce it to "well, its just a couple of weeks of eating differently." What's the big deal? If it is a "big deal" its only a big deal because it is a microcosm of a larger project. In that way, its not so much melodramtic as it is a search for understanding. I have to admit that I was diminished by her statement. After all, it seems like we're moving into an era where doing things just don't have to mean that much. We can sum everything up to just another channel on life's TV screen. Perhaps it is all vanity; I'm alway sure to find everything I wondered about at this age will add up to little when I get old and gray; when my mind can only grasp what my body is able to produce. When that happens, the questions will seem vain and meaningless. in the meantime, I think there's a good chance that there is something to these questions. Calling it "melodramatic" merely divests things of their meaning, and in a world desperate for meaning, I wonder whether it really has any intention of pursuing the absent.

Speaking of bodies. I also mentioned that the interesting thing about this project is the idea that with science, there only lies matter over mind, and no longer mind over matter. What my body will do with this detox has very little to do with what I believe. I suppose I can leave my body to its idiosyncracies, but that's really not the point. The point here is that the dogmatic insistence of the science and rational community (that no matter what I think, if I use numbers and facts about the body's reaction to certain circumstances, I don't have to believe, I just have to submit) claims it will yield absolute truth. God complex.

I'm shaken up, not because it is true, this project will probably do to my body what the biologist and physiologists claim, but because the mind is beginning to matter less and less. When you look at it from that perspective, from just "matter-of-fact viewpoints, experiences count for very little. Oh, and yes, I am pissed off. How's that for dramatic? Who cares about creativity? Who cares about the beautiful? Who cares if you believe there are real dogmatic principles at play that corrupt your life instincts? If you just submit to science and rationality, it will make sense and joy can be tempered as well as depression. Still too dramatic? It all sounds like Sunday church all over again. Some habits are hard to break.

The funny thing is, if i don't do it like this, there is no reason at all to do the project. I mean, I can hear the argument, "its for your health." But what a bunch of bullshit. If you diminish meaning, who gives a fuck that you're healthy? You might as well eat what you want. Or, don't eat. Its all the same. Right?

I like that I can locate the struggle. As I said in my previous postings, its all about the struggle. Its a cultural thing. Now that there is a fight, I guess I have a reason to live. Some languages just can't be broken.

Oh, and by the way, emotionally, this is becoming a fun obsession.

Day Two - towards a new eye

2007-01-02T10:13:00.000-08:00

Its even harder to get a sense of what is changing when all you can think about is the body. I felt my stomach this morning and thought there was nothing in there, like there is nothing on my mind. Nevertheless, I had trouble sleeping and when I finally did, I had a nightmare. Writing is getting harder, too. I am feeling so weak and yet my mind is racing with things I have to get done. Its already January 2 and nothing seems to be fueling my fire. A friend told me that I would feel this way until the toxins are out of my system, but I'm still smoking...and a lot more as far as I can tell. I only want to go to bed. I don't know if I could this if I weren't on vacation. I am afraid of being thinner. Very afraid. It seems cliche to say that my wight protects me from things I don't want to do or see, but alas... it may be the case that I am afraid of looking "better." I've been pretty adament about my critcism of American culture and its latest obseesion with competing with computers. I have to produce, produce, produce. The quality of life here is brutal only by way of working yourself to an earl;y grave, all the while seeming like the most attractive and priviledge person in the world. How to even get to a real quality of life is impossible to figure out. Without complaining, I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Last night a few friends and I were discussing the humanities, film and literature. We agreed that somehow the humanities is dying a slow and painful death. We have to get used to a new global and technologically oriented environment. Its so removed from natural law, its hard to understand the virtues of this new era. When you consider the body, it seems more like detoxing is a technological project rather than a human health problem.

This second day seems longer than yesterday already. Writing about this new project seems like it will last a lifetime. Its only another 13 days, but seeing the changes already terrifies me. I got on the scale today and noted that I dropped a poound in one day. It should make me feel successful, but it sweeps me into a fanstastical place; a zone I am afraid to enter. Its easier if I just do this without thinking about it at all, but that would defeat the purpose of the whole project. I want to SEE the whole thing. What is happening to me as I change piece by piece and how much of that change is comfortable, reliable, or devastating. It would be nice to wake up in two weeks when this is all over and see a new body and a new attitude, but that is not what happens, so I want to chronicle failure. Something will succeed, but I am leary to think it will be the thing promised.

I am not aware of the here and now; I am constantly aware of the next hour, tomorrow, next week, and next year. Its already unhealthy.

Day of reckoning

2007-01-01T09:44:00.000-08:00

I sometimes think that the only way to get through a "cleansing" is by thinking of the only positive result it will have...weight loss. We're so obsessive over the subject, its the only thing that makes sense when you're undertaking a project that completely lacks any reasoning at all. So, it goes without saying that the first stage of this project is missing and obsessing over the loss of food choices. If I'm going to be physiologically weak, it will be exacerbated by the weakness I impose psychologically over the absence of eggs and cheese. Well, I fought off the temptation to get on the scale this morning. In a fantastical obsession to see rewards for just thinking about doing this project, I hoped to see a weight loss that would be equally irrational.

Last night was crazy. I had an incredible meal made by a friend's mother who travelled to the US from Iran. Her cooking was the perfect "last meal" before the onset of my insanity. I like these terms i use; they are negative with a purpose. I don't want to forget that i don't actually like this project or the act of getting into detoxification. I am merely trying to do this in as objective a fashion as possible, while spitting on the whole American agenda to lose weight and look great. Nevertheless, I am hopeful for an American beautified body that is inconceivable in this culture for a dark skinned woman like myself. I'm working it out.

I had my "elixir" this morning, and last night I read an article by a doctor who seriously rejects the whole process. He supported his attitude with a lot of science; his last word was to count calories. Period. Well, again, i am reticent about this stuff. I want the body, not the process. What's new? It a psychological mind-fuck. With 14 days to go, I am trying to think of how I will pass the time. Time suddenly is an issue. Its very much like a 14 day prison. How do you survive in jail? Will I get use to it? Will I start to like it? Will i be happier doing other things that look like more energy and more production? I'm already getting the feeling that this is going to get bad and really stupid. I'm already thinking I am not going to make it. Not because I can't, but because I hate false promises more than I hate small odds of success. This is already about the feeling of loss. And it already struggles with my position on truth. Philosophically, this health pursuit goes against every cultural lesson I've ever had to learn. Its completely foreign to me. And, my friend told me that it is nearly impossible to change the person that you are. I agree with him.

1:00am

This is the most difficult hour of the day; the evening is when I dream of popcorn and fats. I managed to make it through most of the day and a friend of mine is so encouraging, I am convinced I am doing something right. Still, the headaches and general feeling of malaise haunts me. I don't think I can see the future in this vein. Imagine a life of vegetables and fruits. I don't think so.

I feel the need to set the parameters of this project

2006-12-31T09:26:00.000-08:00

The project will consist of 14 days of strict detox. The detoxification process will include the water, lemon, maple syrup and cayenne, as prescribed, but I will also allow strictly fruits and vegetables for consumption. Under NO circumstance will i be allowed meat or certain fats (the only exception being extra virgin olive oil). I will not consume wheat or any type of breads and pastas containing yeast. I will not consume rice, white or brown. I can have vegetable broth, not chicken broth if I need a warm soup, and I can have green tea, but not coffee.

Already the word "allow" reminds me that I am lacking authority over my own choices and existence. don't like that word. Its too rooted to order and division. I'll have to suggest another term.

At 214 pounds and 5 foot eight inches tall

2006-12-31T08:16:00.000-08:00

I should post my picture; if for no other reason, in order to really do justice to this project, I think I should include visual culture. It seems to me that the confusion lies in what we look like. I think I look ok at my 214 pounds, although it is 10 pounds heavier than i was last year at the same time. I am also prone to examine the "superstitions" that lie beneath the surface of mind. OK. Not so beneath it, but near it. First, i imagine what i will look like if I lose weight and that excites me. This is a typical way for me to move away from the project. When i imagine my body thinner and shapelier, I imagine happiness. It goes against my better judgment to pursue the happy and beautiful, and it goes against my better nature to think that the better body means I am more beautiful. I have a deep belief that beauty is an impossible goal. As soon as i think I can be beautiful, I think I believe it is a fantasy, like thinking I can be white (when I was younger I, like Morrison's Bluest Eye Pecola, thought being lighter skinned with long soft hair was the beautiful) what was impossible then is still impossible now. Although wiser, i think I am confused by the bearers of beauty. What am i if I am thinner? Am I really beautiful or just out of range for my type? It might be that it feel unnatural for me.

The other thing is about my family; if i lose weight they gain weight. My sister lost 110 pounds. She really needed to do it, but I am afraid that if I lose weight, she'll gain hers back, If she doesn't bear the weight of weight gain, my younger sister will have to do it. And if we all do not pay the price for being thinner, happier, or "healthier," my parents will have to bear it. That part is Haitian. It is the balance of blessings. Out of five people, 1100 pounds must be distributed no matter who bears it most. Its a deep seeded belief. I believe resistance to weight loss is about this mystical connection. Let's see if it happens that this detox program dispels those beliefs too. We are community minded, not individually minded.

Some of the more traditional beliefs; the ones that have the universe parcelling out blessings, make it harder to do this project. I have a deep sense of responsibility to my community and a deeper sense of self-sacrifice. If its entirely in my head, then the detox will have a better impact in getting that squared away than if it helps me lose weight. I don't know if I mentioned it before but this project is only useful to me if I lose weight; the health factor is marginal at best. I am not dying so the things most important to me are the beautiful and acquiring the beautiful. I am not interested in what Kant has to say about it; I just want to know if its true...that the body has anything to do with it. This body has beeen historically "ugly" for so long, I wonder whether it is possible to make something beautiful that has had to fight for light for many years. I am looking forward to the experiment. Something is off about the presumption. I want to see about the after effects and what I learn from its possible failure; and if it doesn't fail, it won't be because of anything having to do with ideal bodies. At least I hope so.

What do we do when we miss days?

2006-12-30T17:43:00.000-08:00

I've been away these past few days and coming back to the project is even harder than before. Yesterday, in Philadelphia, I felt even better about the project. After a lot of thought and conversation, the more I think about detoxifying my body, the less it seems to be about health. In fact, it seems really unhealthy to me right about now. Its like I like the toxins; or rather, it is as if the toxins are a necessary part of my existence. I view life as a struggle, health as the end of a war. Why don't I think that my part in detoxification is my own victory? Perhaps what i think I lose is the feeling of being in a noble battle. It seems likely that if i get healthier I'll have to start a new war called maintenance. If that's the case, I'd rather stick to the war I know.

But regarding that problem, I am prone to think that I am reared to fight life's many battles. Staying alive is only the barest essential component. What kind of "health" does detoxification promise? I've already acknowledged that the legacy of my own community would laugh at the project; don't I have more important things to tend to? And isn't it only the privileged with nothing to do that worry about purifying a perfectly able body?

I'm getting weaker the closer I come to the onset date. I can feel my resolve weakening and the project going on the shelf with the many other projects I've started and never seemed to finish. This time, though, this project is more than just a cop out. I feel fear. I can't say what I'm afraid of. I'm not hungry, but the thought of losing the options...in a suburb that already has limited options...is already making me back away from the project. I went to the supermarket to buy the containers and lemons, but I left some ingredients behind. I'm afraid of the vegetables. I see them rotting away; evidence of my failure. I left them in my grocery cart. Oranges, I thought, would be an easy reach, but I saw myself peeling in desperation and crumbling under the unsatisfying experience. I thought, "what if I want salty food" and I looked to the spinach, carrots and other vegetables. I ran.

I managed to get the lemons home. I figured they would at least last beyond the project and I could always make juice. Then I thought, "well, by the time I throw them out the project will be forgotten and they'll just be rotten food."

I know it looks like I am too negative about the project and I probably should just jump ship now. I can just hear my sister saying, "if that's how you're going to be about it, then you're not ready." Ready for what? When do you become "ready?" when you've had a death scare? Or maybe when your doctor gives you that look (you know the one when he looks at you like you've been playing in a pool of pig's shit and you're a big mess), then says, "your...is too..." Ahhh, those life affirming words translated, "you're going to die sooner than you think." That's suppose to be the big philosophical breakthrough. This project won't work too well if I'm doing it to scrape up a few extra years on my mortality.

Culturally speaking, I think I am trained to fight something, even when its nothing at all. So, it seems to me that my current struggle isn't negative, just another fight. Can I do this project without fighting anything? I don't think so, and I'm afraid I'll get tired. I hope I can still write when it happens; I want to know the nature of my exhaustion and how much of it is a combination of my psychology and this detoxification process. Its no wonder they say you'll feel lighter when its over; I feel like a ton just thinking about everything the project demands that I consider...cholesterol, diabetes, blood pressure, obesity, etc. Or, worse yet, "better this and that." Let's go for I won't die if I don't do it, and I won't be better at anything if I do. So why do it at all? Let's pretend for one minute that a healthier physical body makes an ounce of difference in the way a person really lives. And let's try not to confuse, as it seems many of the detox writers do, that detoxing and incorporating "healthier" eating habits will naturally lead to a desire to purify everything else in your life. What's wrong with this picture, for me, is that it just seems a little too simplistic. But then some of the best things in life are rather simple. Open mind, right? Let's try it again.

On seeing the light

2006-12-27T06:06:00.000-08:00

This is day two of the idea, but the program doesn't begin until January 1. I am already missing a meal I haven't had. Yesterday, in an attempt to explain this ridiculous (its already ridiculous) idea to some friends, I got all caught up with theory. Its an occupational hazard. This project has already become a way for me to write everyday and think about some of the things I've divested this last couple of years. My god, I use to be so spiritual. I am so cynical these days, its a wonder I don't completely drain myself of any thoughts at all.

Well, since I promised myself that I would try this, I think it s important to mention that part of my problem lies in legacies. I was telling a friend that i can not become any kind of writer because when i think of writing i think of Marquez and Borges; figures I could never compete with. She told me that I am "normal" to think I can not compete with the great ones, but I came back with this theory that its not merely that I think I can't compete with them, but that I have nothing in my background to support the idea that i can even come close to creative poetic expression. Its not what we do. My culture puts their money on the conservative successes; doctor, lawyer, etc. Its not that we fail to produce writers; its that we laugh at the notion that it could yield any real advantages for the individual or community. Its a silly notion to think that literature can yield positive results for countries, or peoples, that suffer real dangers of subjugation or starvation. We're an oxymoron. Our spirituality is based on a compilation of complications and toxic elements. So this detox project is antithetical to my physiological make-up. My family laughs at everything I do, I think. Its not that I'm in paranoia, just defense.

How does detoxification work for the "off standard" person?

2006-12-26T13:46:00.000-08:00

This is not my first attempt at detoxification; I first tried to detoxify back in 1996 through research on the subject using mainly Dr Gary Null's publications, among many others. Yesterday I spoke to a friend who agreed to go through the process with me at the top of the new year. We are going to use something called "master cleansing" which entails 9 days of raw fruits and vegetables combined with an "elixir" made up of lemon, 100% maple syrup and a little cayenne pepper in large glasses of pure water. Here's the thing: we are urban African-Americans. It sounds stupid. Right? What does being urban, let alone of a particular race, have to do with detoxification? Well, nothing. Except, I noticed my previous attempts at detoxification caused a kind of havoc that most people merely relate with the "side effects" of cleansing. Whatever willpower I had dissipated so quickly, I merely dismissed the project as too rigid and severe for "my type." Since then I have tried various diets and nutrition regiments, always returning to my beloved burgers, fried chicken, fries, and coffee, and always blaming myself for lack of discipline and willpower. The end results were always the same: shame and humiliation followed by excessive weight gain. As usual, I talked myself out of the shame and humiliation part, but I was left with the unhealthy feeling and, of course, the fat.

A few days ago, channel 11 news aired a segment on self-perception and obesity. According to the news anchor, African-Americans suffer significantly more risks of health complications due to obesity because of illusory self-perceptions that do not register the reality of being overweight. In other words, AA tend to think that a little "junk in the trunk" is a good thing. I can't speak for all AA, but I know where I come from, America's obsession with weight loss bordered on the ridiculous, if not absurd. It is not that my community did not have its fair share of eating disorders and obsessive dieting, but in the end, "thin" was considered terrifying and not at all desirable. To this I add, healthy was considered visually obvious in a body that looked more like the actors and actresses in the 1930s. Not fat, but not skinny either. Signs that you had food and were eating were signs of financial, emotional, and spiritual well-being. Skinny just looked like death. Period. At the age of 18, when America's obsessive desire to meet (and beat) the numbers on a doctor's chart told me that my five foot eight frame should weight between 135 and 160 pounds, my 170 pounds yielded compliments from my community. When I dropped 25 pounds, another culture gave me the "high five," while my community sucked in their breaths and exclaimed, "what's wrong?!" I have to admit, not only did I hate the process of losing the weight and the burden of keeping it off, I did not think I looked better. My ass was flat, my face was gaunt (on a thin face, my features looked all out of proportion), and most importantly, I did not think about anything else. I did not feel better. Did not desire anything else. Did not enjoy life more. In a word, the doctor's chart did not promise a better, healthier girl, but, rather, a better looking girl to one group, but a miserable person to herself. So what's the problem?

My community cared about health; in fact, health and nutrition were ingrained in the culture. As an American child, Ronald McDonald was the only cook I wanted in the house; my parents, and grandparents insisted on oatmeal, rice, meat, salad, beans, milk, and the yearly laxative. While this was good, the food was made with white rice and flour, and always buttered or cooked with corn oil. I understand this is "very bad." Adding insult to injury, I was bombarded with "Africans-Americans are more likely to die of high cholesterol, diabetes, high blood pressure, etc." In fact, the whole science community and their preoccupation with "what's wrong with the blacks" plummeted me with "poorer academic scores," "poorer diets," "poorer financial opportunities," "dangerous social environments," etc. etc. In an uncanny barrage of "you are fucked up and need special assistance," my community offered up a small glimmer of hope: "at least you're healthy." But now "the scientists" have discovered this too is a dangerous illusion. I'm not only fat, I am psychological trained to fail to register the reality of my obesity. JESUS CHRIST!

The reason this detoxification is a cultural experiment is because I want to know whether the standard body that is used in medical offices, "the ideal healthy European body," really registers as a universal body par excellence. My grandfather died of heart failure; he had diabetes, high cholesterol, and high blood pressure; he was 94. Grandmother had multiple illnesses too; she died the youngest in her family at age 89. Could the American Health Association have helped my grandparents live to see their 100th birthdays? And is that the point?

The promise of detoxification includes a positive outlook; a happier, healthier, and more energetic person; a better adjusted individual who is better able to concentrate and fulfill his/her goals. I won't argue that it's worth the pursuit. But the feeling of "well-being" may translate to a feeling associated with tremendous loss for my friend and I. It isn't fair to assume that this is merely holding on to "poor health habits" and toxic chemicals in the body; that is a very simplistic view of the relationship to loss. I remember feeling weak then overwhelming "energetic," a feeling that made me seem more out of control and vulnerable than better able to cope with my environment. I want to journal our experience to understand what, exactly, do we go through when we "detoxify." In other words, what is the nature of our "toxicity?" What is our relationship to food? And how much of that relationship is laced with historical cultural tensions? Are the scientific physical benefits of the pursuit of "healthy" able to withstand a contentious relationship between bodies? And can the pursuit of individual health coexist with communal attitudes that foster shields against the ravages of a social identification that historically reduces the AA to bodies ignorant of science and philosophy?

My expectations are TOO HIGH! I know. And, no doubt, the promoters of detoxification will come back with, "its not a cure all." I hope this long analysis does not imply that this is what this project is about. I could care less about that. Its about how we address health and our scepticism of American/European culture in general. We want slimmer and healthier bodies. And we are driven to read the books that persuade us to embark on a journey that begins with the body and, hopefully, ends with the soul. But, I don't want to adopt an ideology and run with it; sooner or later, 36 years of training will creep up and struggle with the process, especially when feeling weak. The guards of my soul will surface, undifferentiating temporary physical weakness with vulnerable weakness, and I will think that it is my time to "be strong" again. How to trust this information, this ideology, is the task at hand. I hope it works. I really do.