Innominatus

Barry Scary Counseling Session

2009-07-11T11:39:00.000-07:00

Dr. Dave is a corrupting influence on me.
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[Rahm E] "Sire, the republicans are making great ga ins. The next congressional election could be quite problematic"

[Obama] "I heard. We need to get our swagger back. Rebalance our energies. Reclaim our mojo!"

[Rahm] "Do you mean?...."

[Obama] "Yes, round up the First Family. You're going with us."

[Obama, MichelleO, Sasha and Rahm enter presidential limousine]

[Obama] "Where's Malia?"

[MichelleO] "She wanted to wear her new peace-sign t-shirt to that Code Pink protest. I said it was OK."

[Obama] "Alright then. Let's roll! Jeeves, take us to K Street."

[Chauffer] "M'lord, my name is Steven."

[Obama] "Shut up, Jeeves! Just take us to K Street. I'll tell you when to pull over."

[Steven the Chauffer] "Yes, m'lord."

[Limo travels down the street famous for its lobbying offices]

[Obama] "This is good. Stop here."

[Limo smoothly brakes to a halt in front of Crooked Lobbying and Contemplative Yoga, LLC. Obama and entourage exit limo and enter CL&CY office]

[Ashley the receptionist] "Mr. President, so good to see you! Things just haven't been the same around here since you left the Senate! But your appointment to meet with the Crooked Lobbyists isn't until next week!"

[Obama] "We're not here for that. We're here for some Contemplative Yoga."

[Ashley darts from room, comes back seconds later dressed in stretchy workout clothes] "This way, please follow me." [Leads entourage to serene yoga studio in back room]

[Ashley] "Please, take a seat on the mat. I recommend the Lotus Position."

[Obama and crew sit on floor]

[Ashley] "Begin chanting the mantra while I prepare the studio"

[MichelleO] "Ommm...Ommm"

[SashaO] "Ommm...Ommm"

[Rahm] "Ommm...Ommm"

[Steven the Chauffer] "Ommm...Ommm"

[Barack Obama] "Ummm...Ummm"

[Ashley pulls out zippo w/ Planned Parenthood logo, begins lighting candles] [With back to entourage, bends deep at the waist to light incense, giving a pretty good view to those interested]

[BO, whipering] "Hey Rahm! Check the caboose on that instructor chick!"

[Rahm, giggling] "Easy there, Casey Jones! Better watch your speed!"

[BO] "Toot! Toot!"

[MO, overhearing, gives BO the stinkeye and growls like a Mastiff guarding a t-bone]

[Ashley] "OK, class. Contemplate your persona. Decide what is the biggest part of you. Today, we will meditate on bringing the rest of you up to that same level. Thus your energies shall come into balance and your mojo shall return."

[Rahm] "Ommm... The biggest part of me is my dancing. I want to excel at everything I do, just as I have done in ballet."

[Ashley] "Excellent"

[BO] "Ummm...I have a huge heart - I can't stand to see peoples' lives meddled with by an intrusive, overly expensive and unresponsive government. I want my intellect to be as expansive as my heart."

[Ashley] "Ooh! We're really making great progress!"

[Sasha] "Ommm... I want a pony!"

[BO] "But you get to ride around on Rahm's back! Isn't that close enough?"

[Sasha] "No, daddy. When I feed him grass he always spits it out."

[BO, sternly] "Rahm, from now on, you swallow!"

[Rahm, adjusting necktie nervously] "Yes, sire."

[MO] "Ommm... I am so angry! Try to imagine a wookie with burrs in his fur, tangled up in a big roll of velcro. Try to imagine how mad that wookie would be. I'm even madder than that! I want the rest of my life to be as big and vibrant as my everpresent, white-hot rage!"

[Ashley] "Class, I do believe we're on the verge of a breakthrough!"

Before their very eyes, Michelle Obama begins to grow. She continues, convulsively, to add height and bulk. Sitting up, her head bursts through the ceiling and a manic snarl appears across her face. She stands, and towers over the landscape.

[MO, in a voice so deep it is almost subsonic] "I rule the midnight air! The Destroyer!"

[BO and entourage dash outside, where a tourist group is pointing at the gigantic MO]

[American tourist] "It's MOdzilla!"

[Japanese tourist] "No! I once see real godzilla. He have small t-rexy arm. Not sculpted like those!"

[MO picks up a bus and throws it back down as she makes her way toward the center of town]

[Another tourist] "It's Queen Kong!"

[Yet another tourist] "Nah, the legs are too long. I think it's Cthulhu!"

[Stoned skater punk passing by] "Look out, dude! When she shows her teeth like that, it means the inner jaw is about to strike and rip your throat out!"

[MO lets out a deafening nasal roar] "Nrahhaghh!"

[Skater kid] "She sounds like a wookie!"

[Rahm] "Maybe we can negotiate with her. Without preconditions."

[People begin to panic and flee. Sirens are heard in the distance.]

[BO, aloud, to noone particular. Getting scared.] "OK, OK! Connect the dots... Uhh... Ok... She called herself 'the destroyer' and she was very angry. Uhh... She was in the middle of meditative Yoga... which has hindu origins... she shrieks like Chewbacca..."

[BO, screaming] "Oh no! Now she is become MObacca, Destroyer of Worlds! Run! Run for your lives! Run like Michael Moore to a Krispy Kreme sale! Save yourselves!"

Barry potent fashion statements

2009-07-09T14:43:00.000-07:00

[Michelle O] "Barry! I saw that!"

[Barack O] "Umm, saw what?"

[MichelleO] "You rubberneckin' that white girl!"

[Obama] "Umm, it's not what it looks like. Not at all." [mind racing] "I thought she dropped something and I was going to bend over and pick it up. Uhh, you know, gentlemanlyishly"

[MichelleO] "You gawk, then you lie, so now you got a choice to make: You can take your whuppin' like a man, you can eat a big bowl of heavy-metal-death-cabbage, or you can hand over the Visa card!."

[Obama] "Nah, nah, nah!" [Burst of courage, forceful tone] "I'm tired of getting pushed around! My approval ratings are in the sewer, China and India laugh at my global warming initiatives, the Senate doesn't even want to talk about it, and Joe's out there running his mouth about who know what! Now, you're going to support me!"

[MichelleO] "Never waste a good crisis, Barry! Now cough up the plastic, or I go on Oprah and cry about your wanderin' eyes!"

[Malia] "And I'm wearing this chickenprint peace shirt! Don't try to stop me!"

[MichelleO] "Yeah, you tell 'im, baby!"

[Obama, mad but defeated] "Ratfart!" [Pulls out Spiderman wallet, peels open the velcro, and gives Michelle the Visa card]

[MichelleO] "Got my eye on that $800 handbag. Gonna be looking fiiiiiiiiiine with that $800 handbag! Gonna say it cost $6000 and pocket the difference!"

[Obama, under his breath] "Good. Maybe the shiny new handbag will distract people from noticing the width of your butt. Gotta be at least two ax-handles wide."

[MichelleO, sleeveless dress revealing flexing biceps] "Say what?"

[Obama, defiant] "Yeah, you heard me! Fine, go ahead, beat me up again! Put it on YouTube! Give the reichbloggers more reasons to question your femininity!"

[MichelleO, gasping in surprise] "Barry, I've never seen you act like this!"

[Obama] "Well, I'm just about mad enough to, to, uh, try to break a pencil or something"

[MichelleO, getting misty-eyed] "And there are really people out there who mock my appearance?"

[Obama, cheering] "Ha! Heck yeah! Some of them are like crazy-funny!"

[MichelleO, crying, slugs Barack in the shoulder, who winces in pain. Both end up in a good long cry.]

Of Course I'm Angry!

2009-07-09T09:57:00.000-07:00

I'm in the middle of engraving 10 iPod Touch for Oregon State University. Man, I'm glad Oregon's government isn't in the middle of a huge budget crisis and can still afford to piddle away money on shiny trinkets.

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The dog got a hold of an unopened bag of bagels and ate all 6. Then he has the brass to act hungry a few minutes later.

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It was fairly hot last week, but the last couple days have barely cracked 70. It's been cold enough in the mornings that I've wanted to wear a jacket. I Will Not Wear A Jacket In July! Darned glad Algore hasn't flown by; it'd probably snow.

Obama & Medvedev - Reward for pic!

2009-07-07T11:30:00.000-07:00

There are several iterations of the "Handshake Pic" between Prezzez Obama and Medvedev floating around the internet (which, btw, is a series of tubes). Most of these pics are ordinary, some are full of that detestable super-smiley-fake-sincerity, while a choice few are begging to have a snarky caption applied to them. But somewhere this morning I saw one where the two were leaned in very close to each other, as though whispering, and Medvedev had an unmistakable frown. Dunno if 'Bama got the sushi breath, or if maybe he gleeked on Med or what, but it was a funny pic.

Can't remember where I saw it. I've traversed my browser history and can't find it. Searched Google Images and zilch. I want that pic. I want it bad! I will reward handsomely the one who points me toward this pic of The Won.

Reward is negotiable, but be assured - it will be handsome. Which means it will probably include a framed portrait of me. Just get me that pic!

Breaking News

2009-07-07T10:07:00.001-07:00

This just in: Michael Jackson is STILL dead, and his funeral is being held today. Please do not waste valuable airtime or network bandwidth on any other topic. Your cooperation is appreciated. That is all.

Barry interesting trip

2009-07-05T13:07:00.000-07:00

Skip this one if you're offended by cheezy middle-school double entendre...
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Helicopter Marine 1 touches down on a small island off the coast of Cuba. As the rotors slow, President Obama exits. He makes an exaggerated duck under the doorway, because, well, you know. Stepping to the ground, he is greeted by a decorated military officer who whisks him away in an old, but well maintained UAZ. They travel some distance up a narrow jungle road, and the driver drops Obama off at the base of a large tree. A rickety ladder leads upward to a treehouse high in the jungle canopy. A crude sign reads

Headquarters of the

INTERNATIONAL SOCIAList inJUSTICE LEAGUE"
A raspy, heavily accented voice calls down "speak the password!"

[Obama] "Redistribution!"

[raspy accented voice] "Climb, imperialist dog, and take your seat at the table!"

[Obama, to himself] "Imperialist dog?? Oh, well" [climbs]

[Reaches treefort and enters. The whithered, diminutive dictator Fidel Castro is in his wheelchair at the head of the table, attended by an attractive nurse. Other dictators are seated at the table - some diminutive, some not. But mostly diminutive.]

[Obama] "Whoa! This is awesome! I'm in the HQ of the Social Justice League! I'm sooooo into Social Justice!"

[Fidel] "My new comrade, sorry about calling you an 'imperialist dog.' Old habits, like old Castros, die hard"

[Diminutive Li'l Kim] "Ha! Fidel so funny! He make me raff all the times!"

[Fidel] "And there was a typo on the sign we had to correct it by adding some letters. You are actually in the HQ of the International Socialist Injustice League."

[Obama] "Is there really a difference?"

[Li'l Kim] "Ha! Obama so funny! He make me raff all the times!"

[Hugo Chavez looks at Kim, crosses arms indignantly and rolls eyes]

A rustle below, as another climbs the ladder. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad enters.

[Obama] "Hey, D'jad! Nice to see you. But I never really figured you to be a socialist."

[Ahmadinejad, cold stare at Obama]

[Li'l Kim] "It OK, Barry. He not vewy socialist, but make up for with thugness and corruption. Beside, I in ♫Mah-Mood for a Melody, how 'bout you-u-u-u?♫"*

[Chavez, indignant sigh and eyeroll]

[Daniel Ortega, elbowing Kim] "Enough goofing. We have business to discuss."

[Chavez] "Sí. How was the talk with the Russians? I need their investment in my oil projects!"

[Obama] "Not so good. Russia decided to work with Nigeria instead. They call their joint venture Nigaz. Dunno if I should be offended or not. Those Russians are hard to read. I looked Putin in the eye and everything, but couldn't see his soul so I couldn't tell if he meant it to be racist or if he meant it to be ghetto-cool. So I changed promptly changed the subject. To golf."

[Li'l Kim] "Ha! I see you try pray golf. You swing crub rike you try shoo away angry bee. Obama so funny! He make me raff all the times!"

[Obama, chuckling] "Yeah, I admit it. I swing one way and the ball goes the other."

[Ahmadinejad, picking up a rock] "Dis is not good! In my country will stone to death the one who swings wrong way." [rears back to throw stone]

[Obama, cringing] "Hey! Easy! It's not my swing that goes the wrong way, it's my balls!"

[Ahmadinejad, dropping rock] [Hides face in crook of elbow] "Gahh! Balls! Too much information! I see in my mind's eye! Can not un-see! Like poison in my eye!"

[Obama] "You don't golf much, do you? You are aware, I hope, that the whole point of the game of golf is to strike a little white ball with an iron club."

[Ahmadinejad] "Not helping!"

[Li'l Kim] "First time I golf, I get thirty-fo under pah!"

[Obama, defensively] "Liar! You're a big fat liar! OK, not as fat as you were a few years ago. Congrats on the diet routine. But you're still a LIAR!"

[ex-president of Honduras Zelaya] "It's true. I was there."

[Obama, pouty] "Yeah? Fine! I suck at golf, but I can still dunk over any one of you fools!"

[Chavez] "But what about my oil?!?"

[Obama] "Look, Yugo. If I ate a whole plate of day-old deviled eggs, my farts still wouldn't be half as sulpherous as that goo that comes from your wells. D'Jad has some decent oil, but yours sucks. I wouldn't put that crap in the asphalt on an American road! Besides, pretty soon I'm gonna make cars illegal so roads will be pretty much pointless, anyway. But that's a whole 'nuther subject."

[Zelaya] "How will you get me back in power, Obama?"

[Obama] "We'll use military force if necessary. I can't have a good leftist dictator getting kicked out anywhere in the Western Hemisphere. That's like coming into my own backyard and kicking my dog. Won't tolerate that!"

[Li'l Kim] "Military force? You have one hand tied in Iraq, the other in Afghanistan. Now you no even have power to shoot down my dong!"

[Ahmadinejad] "Gahh!" [plugs ears, seals eyes tightly. Paws around to find that rock again]

[Obama, dials number on his blackberry] "General. Obama here. Drop a nuke right in the middle of Managua Int'l Airport!"

[unnamed general] "Right away, sir!"

[phone rings]

[Ortega fetches giant brickphone that was sorta cool back when Miami Vice was new] "Bueno"

[muted voice on phone] "Jefe, the airport has just been nuked!"

[Ortega, shocked, slams down phone] "WHY!?!?!? What did I do?"

[Obama] "You're not a nuclear power yet. So I can still bomb you with impugnity. That was just a message to Kim that I still have a few tricks up my sleeve."

[Ahmadinejad] "Note to self: need more centrifuges, ASAP!"

[Fidel] "Comrade Obama. You are very socialist and very unjust. I admire that. But you are too divisive of a figure. I must ask you to leave."

[Li'l Kim] "No! Obama so funny! He make me raff all the times!"

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* Can't claim that one. Saw it in the Green Room at hotair.com

Presently not mad at Senator McCain

2009-07-05T12:51:00.000-07:00

Today is one of those rare days when I'm not mad at Senator McCain...

The fellowship my church belongs to has its more-or-less "headquarters" in Prescott, Arizona. Every 4th of July, the town of Prescott has a God & Country event. Parades, music, etc... I heard this morning at church that yesterday, our fellowship invited the Senator to speak and he agreed. This comes as a surprise to me, not because I doubt the Senator's patriotism (I certainly don't!) but it was short-notice, and our fellowship has a bit of a reputation for being bold (some who don't know better might say we're "obnoxious").

Senator McCain addressed a significant crowd in front of the county courthouse. When he concluded, Pastor Mitchell took the mike and pulled an altar call right then and there! Reports are that many people responded. Glory! Senator McCain and his entourage stayed through the call instead of hightailing it like one might expect a busy public official to do.

Now, Senator, please vote an emphatic NO! on cap-n-tax and ObamaCare. I'd like this odd feeling of not being mad at your maverickyness to linger for a while!

Twitter Statements Considered Harmful

2009-07-04T10:14:00.000-07:00

Twitter Statements Considered Harmful.

Congrats if you're a big enough geek to get that reference without clicking the link. I think Twitter would be OK if it only had a better name. So if you're a venture capitalist and want to send me some seed money to get a more manly version of Twitter going, feel free. I'll spend it wisely. I'm still struggling to come up with a good name, though. So far, I'm leaning towards DOOM - Dynamic Overrated Overhyped Messaging. I'm confident a real man would prefer something like DOOM over Twitter.

But then again, I have this silly little blog thingy where I can post the same kind of junk, and not be restricted to that girly little 140 character limitation. DOOM will allow at least 150 characters. And emoticons will not be tolerated. But DOOM isn't running yet, because you haven't sent the cash. Guess I'll have to stick to the blog for now. So here's a bunch of psuedorandom stream-of-consciousness twittery kind of junk to tide you over until DOOM becomes self-aware...

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It's finally summer here. The other day was high 90s and we had to turn on the AC for the first time. We're back down in the 80s now but at least it kinda feels like July. I was worried that we'd sequestered too much carbon and there'd be no summer at all.

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I have two dogs. Chance, seen in my gravatar pic, is half Rott and half Bloodhound. I call him a Bloodweiler 'cuz it scares the kiddies. Sunshine is the female and acts like it. Very emotional. Her mom is Golden Retriever and her dad is Great Dane & Lab. She looks like a big lab with slightly longer fur. Chance weighs about 115lbs and Sunshine about 105. Sunshine needs to lose a little and get down to about 90, but she doesn't like it when I say so. While big, both are very friendly. Chance is very leggy and really fast when he has room to get up to speed. When he runs, he reminds me of a young horse with his legs seeming to go all over the place. Chance has a bad habit of pulling things off the kitchen counter when we're not home. At least we think it's Chance. We never seem to catch them in the act. When I drink coffee, I don't screw around - I drink if from a big plastic Big Gulp cup. So yesterday, I put my finished Big Gulp o' Java in the sink, still about half-full of water from my rinse-out. We ran some errands, and when we got home there was evidence that Chance had been in the kitchen. A box of something was all tore up, and my cup, STILL HALF FULL was standing upright in the middle of the living room near the shredded cardboard. No signs of spillage anywhere. I couldn't bring myself to scold him, since that is just pretty darned amazing.

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One of the errands I mentioned above was to go get a flag to display out front. It's sad how few there are in our town. I have a *big* WWII era 48-star flag hanging on the living room wall, but until yesterday had nothing outside. Shame on me. My next-door neighbor is cool though, he actually bugles Taps (poorly) every evening when he brings his flag down.

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For an organism to prosper, it must know how to survive. For the species to prosper, the parents must train their offspring how to survive. For the cycle to continue, though, the parents have to teach their offspring how to train their offspring how to survive. Parenting lessons, so to speak.

The Greatest Generation, the ones who bested the Depression and the Axis powers, begat the mostly-loathesome Boomers. So the generation before the Greatest Generation did well at training their offspring to survive, but didn't get the parenting part properly instilled. So we ended up with a bunch of boomer hippie freaks in the '60s who are Senators today, because that generation that grew up during the Woodrow Wilson era broke the cycle. However one tries to analyze the ailments of modern America, sooner or later one realizes that it's all Woody's fault. Big-time liberalism pretty much had its origins in Wilson. Big government, internationalism and hippie freaks all come courtesy of Woody. Thanks a lot, Woody.

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I love the 4th of July. I am an unapologetic jingoistic flag-wavin' American. I love the National Anthem - except that time Roseanne sang it. I love F-15s flying over football games. I love those YouTube clips of our guys in Apache helicopters blowing up their guys in pickup trucks. I don't love most country music, but I really do love the patriotic sentiment found in some of the songs.

But I also admire national pride expressed by others. I love those pics of Iraqis with purple fingers. I love how the Hondurans are telling the rest of the world to get bent. I love how the Iranians stood up to tyranny. I love it when some country whose name I can barely pronounce gets an Olympic medal or wins a soccer game, and their countrymen get jazzed about it and cheer and wave their flags. God Bless 'em all!

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A Barry Alternate Universe

2009-07-02T13:40:00.000-07:00

Inspirations: an old aA comment about MAD magazine parodies, a post on IMAO about Obama's lack of awesomeness, and the 4th of July weekend.

Star Date: 2109.7.04 - USS Independence NCC-1776 is in geosynchronous orbit above Tehran.

[Security Officer Chekolitano, mild russian accent] "Odmiral! Sensors indicate a Somali pirate wessel has de-cloaked just outside the ship!"

[Odmiral Obama] "Raise shields!"

[Chekolitano] "Too late, Odmiral! They're already inside the perimeter of our shields! They're attempting to board! OMG! They're pouring in like illegal aliens crossing the border for free medical treatment!"

[Odmiral Obama] "Spiden, you have the bridge! I'm taking charge of this situation personally!"

[no response]

[Odmiral Obama] "Spiden? Spiden?" [Into intercom] "Scotty, where's my first officer? What's taking so long?"

[Scotty] "Sir, the awesometizer won't work on Spiden. I'm givin' ya all we got, Odmiral, but I cannah break the laws of physics!"

[Obama] "Not good enough! I need a first officer, now, or we're all dead!"

[Scotty] "But Odmiral, you and most of your cabinet awesometized quite nicely. But ev'ra time I try'n pull Spiden through, the system just cannah handle that much suckyness. The dang thing gimme the blue screen o' death ev'ra time!"

[Odmiral Obama] "Scotty, we may be worthless and feeble in that other universe, but in this reality, you've got to do better! But seriously, I can't believe it is the year 2109 and we're still getting screwed by the blue-screen-of-death!"

[Scotty] "Sir, I've managed to pull Spoclinton through the awesometizer. She'll be on the bridge in a moment."

[First Officer Spoclinton arrives on the bridge]

[Odmiral Obama] "Spoclinton, you have the bridge." [Unholsters competition-style double-stack .45 with compensator and holographic sights] "Red Alert!"

[~~Captain Kirk~~ Odmiral Obama fight song begins playing] "Da - da -na -na -na -na -na -na -nih -na -naaaaaaah"

[Odmiral Obama enters secret passageway between decks and climbs down a ladder. Dagger between teeth and .45 in hand]

[Pops hatch, peers outward. A pirate, about 20 feet away, is looking the other direction]

[Odmiral Obama] "How many quatloos do you wager?"

[Pirate turns, confusedly] "Whaaa?"

[Odmiral Obama throws dagger which fatally strikes the pirate in the throat]

[Looms over fallen pirate, rhetorically, in a low growl] "How daaaaare you attack a US-flagged vessel!"

[Odmiral Obama retrieves dagger and victoriously wipes pirate blood across his uniform then proceeds down the corridor]

[Hears somali being spoken in the distance. Hurries his pace. Compensated .45 held at high-ready] [Using his superhuman intelligence and mastery of language skills, he translates the somali he's hearing] "They're saying first we keel all you then all ur starship r belong to us!" [Breaks into full sprint towards voices]

The Odmiral rounds a corner and encounters the some pirates, who are holding some female crewmembers at gunpoint. Without breaking stride, the Odmiral drops the first pirate with a superbly placed cranio-ocular shot that leaves huge and graphic ventilation ports in the pirate's skull. A second pirate swings his AK around to engage the Odmiral, but a masterful execution of the Mozambique Drill results in another dead pirate. The third pirate drops his weapon and flees.

[twittery sound from Odmiral's communicator, then the voice of Security Officer Chekolitano] "Sir, the pirates have given up and are retreating to their pirate wessel."

[Odmiral] "Excellent." [Hits Scotty on communicator speed-dial] "Scotty, get to the transporter room and beam all their weapons to a secure place, like the hangar bay. Then beam an armed photon torpedo onto their craft, with a 30 second delay on the fuse."

[Scotty] "Aye, Odmiral!"

As the Odmiral heads back to the bridge, a violent explosion rocks the Independence. It is the torpedo detonating in the nearby pirate vessel. First Officer Spoclinton, seated in the Captain's chair on the bridge, clings tenaciously to the armrests as the others on the bridge are jostled off their feet.

Odmiral Obama reaches the bridge and heads for his seat. Spoclinton doesn't budge. [Odmiral] "Spoclinton, I have the bridge. Return to your station."

[Spoclinton] "Never!" [Grabs the Odmiral's head with funky grip] "My thoughts to your thoughts...Your rank to my rank"

[Odmiral] "Spoclinton! In this parallel universe, we are the inverse of what we are in the other reality. You're supposed to be whatever's the opposite of a conniving, power-hungry bi..."

[Spoclinton, interrupting] "I used my legendary Vulcan Mental Discipline to retain my original personality when I went through the awesometizer! The Independence is mine!"

[Odmiral, beginning to weaken from the mind meld] "N...Ne...Nev...Never!!!" [Raises arms abruptly and violently, breaking the mind meld] [Performs patented double-fisted hammer blow on upper back of stunned Spoclinton]

[Spoclinton falls and breaks elbow]

[Odmiral Obama] "You shall not accompany me in my heroic journey." [Forcefully] "Take Spoclinton to the brig!" [Expendable crew members in red uniforms seize the First Officer and haul her away]

[Gibbhura] "Sir! A transmission from Earth"

[Odmiral] "Open a channel. Onscreen"

The display shows news coverage of a young Iranian woman bleeding out from a bullet wound to the chest. An un-awesometized Joe Biden arrives on the bridge.

[Odmiral Obama, seething with rage at what he's seeing on the display] "Khaaaaaaaan! Ooops, I mean Mahmooooood!" [Presses intercom button] "Bones! Get to the hangar bay and load those AKs and RPGs on the shuttle craft."

[Dr. Harry McReid] "Da**it, Barry! I'm a doctor, not a pallet jack!"

[Odmiral] "Just do it, Doctor!" [cancels intercom] "Sululosi, scan the Earth for Ahmedinejad's coordinates."

[Navigator Nancy Suluosi] "I've got him, Odmiral!"

[Odmiral Obama] "Set phasers to immolate. Fire!"

[On Earth, a brilliant blast of phaser energy causes Mahmoud Ahmedinejad and a nearby stack of fraudulent ballots to flash to vapor]

[Odmiral] "Joe, you're with me. Chekolitano, you have the bridge."

[The Odmiral and Biden head for the hangar bay]

[Odmiral] "So, Joe, how is it that you aren't awesome in this reality?"

[Biden] "Scotty tried to 'splain it to me. Since I have exactly zero awesomeness, the inverse of me would be infinite awesomeness. He said he thought about pulling me through the awesomizer anyway, but started having second thoughts. Uncertain, he consulted the Heisenburg Uncertainty Compensator - hey, did you know that the uncertainty compensator looks just like a magic 8-ball? One time when I was a kid in Scranton I sunk the 8-ball on the break and won the Scranton junior billiards title. I still have the trophy. It's on the mantel next to my autographed..."

[Odmiral] "JOE!"

[Biden] "Sorry. The compensator told Scotty the damage to spacetime would be too much. And it might make me collapse into a black hole of nothing. So here I am, just plain ol' Joe."

[Reaching the hangar bay, they board the Shuttle Craft Teddy Roosevelt]

[Odmiral] "Joe, just sit down and shut up. Don't touch ANYTHING!"

[They launch and head for Tehran]

[Landing amidst a raucous crowd, Odmiral Obama and Joe Biden climb out and begin distributing weapons to the protestors]

[Crowd] "Death to the mullahs! Death to the Ayatollah! We love America! Happy Birthday America!"

[Odmiral Obama] "Good luck! May your revolt against tyranny live long and prosper!"

[Biden] "Um, yeah, The Force Is With You!"

[crowd] "Wrong parallel universe, you idiot!"

[Biden] "Hey! You can't talk to me like that! I'm the Stimulous Sheriff AND the uh, guy who's in charge of reconciliation in Iraq."

[Crowd throws shoes at Biden] [Biden fearfully ducks for cover inside the Roosevelt]

[Odmiral] "We must leave now"

[crowd] "Thank you Odmiral! After we use these new weapons to wreak much violence on the mullahs and slaughter many basij, we will have peace and oil profits! Maybe we will even be nice to Israel!"

[Shuttle craft departs. Crowd waves and cheers.]

[Shuttle over the Indian Ocean. A message from the Independence comes in]

[Gibbhura] "Odmiral, sensors indicate that North Korea is launching a missile at Hawaii."

[Odmiral, increduous and angry] "On the 4th of July?!? The streets of Pyongyang will flow red with the blood of communists!!!" [To Biden] "Adjust course for the Nork missile site."

[Biden] "Umm, I don't know how to do that. I'm only here for my Foreign Policy expertise."

[Odmiral] "FINE! I'll show you what I call foreign policy expertise!" [seizes controls of shuttle and makes a high-g turn towards the northeast. Shuttle accelerates to nearly warp speed. Which, by the way, is very dangerous to do while still in a planet's atmosphere. Only a genuine hero like the Odmiral would dare attempt it]

[Gibbhura] "Sir, it appears the missile's engines are starting. Launch is imminent!"

[Biden] "Uh, shouldn't we convene a Security Council meeting at Federation HQ and organize some sanctions or something?"

[Odmiral] "There's no time! Like so many who have shed their blood for our freedom, I'm willing to die for my country! Aren't you?"

[Biden] "Uhh, I've been a Senator most of my life. I'm not used to making sacrifices. I've lived a cushy life while others have been asked to sacrifice. So, I guess my answer is 'no'."

[Gibbhura] "Take-off. The missile is taking off."

[Odmiral, yelling passionately] "Not while I have yet one more breath in my body!" [Enters data into nav system] "Setting collision course for Nork missile, center-of-mass. Maximum Warp. Engage!"

[explosion]

[brief static then comm channel goes silent]

Barry Critical Legislation

2009-06-27T11:56:00.000-07:00

[Pleasant afternoon. Obama and Rahm E. on back porch of White House, enjoying a smoke break]

[Obama] "Rahm, I sure am thankful for those 8 rep ubs we were able to turn on our groundbreaking Climate Change legislation. Did you give Waxman a high-5 for getting it done?"

[Rahm] "Well, sire, I hope you won't be too disappointed..."

[Obama] "Whaddya mean?"

[Rahm] "Sire, as I approached the dear congressman to offer my congratulations, he sneezed. His nostrils flared to the size of hulahoops, and his nosehair splayed forth like the bright tassles on a party noisemaker! It was quite disturbing, and it triggered an urgent, immediate need to visit the men's room. So I sent him a flattering text message instead."

[Obama] "Good enough for me." [takes long drag on his Virginia Slim]

[Rahm] "Next up is the crucial Senate vote. On one hand, we need to hurry this along, before any of the conservatives read the 300-page addendum that Waxman tacked on at the last moment. That is the part of the bill that names you Dictator For Life."

[Obama] "No worries. I don't think any of the conservatives are literate enough to read 300 pages of legalese. Certainly not enough to swing the vote, at least. And who would argue against me being Dictator For Life?" [strikes Lightworker pose with hands aloft and chin jutting proudly upward.] "All them other Dictators For Lifes approve highly of me and want me in their club." [flicks butt into Rose Garden]

[Rahm] "Sire, it may be a very close vote. Especially to break the filibuster. Talk Radio personalities and right-wing bloggers are ginning up outrage and encouraging their audience to demand their Senators vote 'no'. They are calling it Cap-and-Tax instead of Cap-and-Trade. They think they are sooooo clever."

[Obama] "Dang. It never dawned on me that people might be opposed to having their utility bills double. Since I'm all for it, I thought they all would be, too."

[Rahm E.] "That is why our haste must be balanced by a long-term brainwashing campaign. Sire, I've taken the initiative and started a new multimedia project that seizes the momentum of this "Cap-and-Tax" nonsense. It will really help sway the voters. It is a DVD that will be shown to every student in every school. Repeatedly. It depicts a courageous hero who rides a living toy polar bear and defends the world from global warming. The hero is known as Cap'n Tax."

[Obama] "Continue"

[Rahm E.] "Well, sire, our intent is to manipulate the emotions of the youngsters, and convince them that Cap'n Tax is the good guy who must be supported. We'll teach them that anyone who opposes Cap'n Tax is an evil, seal-clubbing, burns-old-tires-in-the-backyard-just-for-fun, pollution-spewing, polar-bear-poaching, AC-on-full-blast selfish old-fashioned energy hog who is willfully destroying the planet."

[Obama] "This is sounding really good!"

[Rahm] Cap'n Tax will also be available as an action figure, and we are in negotiations with Dreamworks to produce a hollywood movie - complete with Burger King cups as a tie-in. Kids everywhere will be pleading with their parents to get the action figure and to see the movie. Additionally, the DVD for the schools contains useful instructions for the children on how to guilt-trip their parents into supporting Cap'n Tax!"

[Obama] "So all we need is a distraction to keep the conservatives from reading the bill until we've finished corroding the little kids' minds with our propaganda....Hmmm...."

[Rahm] "Indeed, sire. But the timing is very delicate. We must move quickly."

[Obama] "I know! I'll finally send a harshly worded message to the mullahs in Iran and politely ask that they take it easy on their wholesale slaughter of innocent protestors or something. And maybe we should also do a Predator strike on a jihadi, and then do another Predator strike on the people that show up for that dead jihadi's funeral! Do you think that would be distracting enough?"

[Rahm] "Oh, sire! Those are brilliant ideas! We're still early in the editing process of the DVD. Right now, all we really have done is the artwork for the DVD case. We may need to generate another distraction or two - like maybe a prominent conservative Governor being caught in an infidelity - but we'll proceed with your suggestions right away!"

[Obama] "Cool. I'd like to see that artwork you were talking about."

[Rahm] "Sire, I was hoping you'd say that. I just happen to have a copy with me. Here." [hands artwork to Obama]

[Obama] "OMG! Rahm, this is BY FAR the coolest thing I've ever seen!"

[Rahm] "Oh, thank you, sire!"

[Obama] "Such powerful imagery! There's even more here than you told me about!"

[Rahm] "Yes, sire. That is Cap'n Tax - astride his faithful sidekick, Snowball the Friendly Toy Polar Bear. He wields his mighty pink Magic Wand of Hopenchange to bring Rainbows of Joy to all the good environmentalist children who believe in him. In heroic sweeps of his mighty wand, he lowers the temperature a very small fraction of one degree over several decades and rewards his cronies with billions of taxpayer dollars!"

[Obama] "And he even looks kinda like ME!"

[Rahm] "Certainly, sire! Your universal popularity is a key ingredient in this blockbuster success!"

[Obama, gazing at artwork] "I, uh, um, uh, just need a sec to, uh, take this all in. I mean, uh, that's a lot of awesomeness to absorb all at once!" [Prolonged, dumbfounded stare at artwork as perma-grin forms on his face]

[Rahm, silently to himself] "I am simply elated that Dear Leader so enjoys my idea!" [savors this moment]

[VP Biden] "So there you guys are. I've been lookin' all over for ya! Whatcha got there?" [snatches artwork from still awestruck Obama] "What the heck?"

[Rahm, indignantly] "That, which you hold in your sweaty, malformed paws, is the..."

[Biden] "I'll tell ya what that is - it is the most effeminate thing to ever be printed on paper. Geez, Perez Hilton in a tutu wouldn't even be half as gay as this! And check the ears on this dude! Do they have their own zip code?" [Holds artwork for closer look] "Ha! It even resembles you, Barry! Well, except this guy actually has muscles! Where'd you find this trash? On some no-name no-talent blog or something? This is hilarious!"

[Obama, pouting as he stomps away] "I'm going inside. Leave me alone."

Ha Ha! My state is better than your state!

2009-06-26T18:00:00.001-07:00

[To the tune of that stupid Pussycat Dolls song]

♫Don't cha wish you lived in Oregon like me?♫

Yeah, the US House passed Obama's ridiculous Cap'n Trade bill that will cause most Americans' utility bills to soar. But not in Oregon, nosiree! Somehow it looks like we might avoid the CO2 Jaws of Death and actually profit on the deal! Woohoo!

What? Please repeat that... did you say what I thought you said? Oregon doesn't manufacture anything anymore? I guess you're right about that - unless you count the handmade glass "tobacco" pipes that the hippies sell. We don't make much else here anymore. Yeah, we have to bring in just about everything from out-of-state. So you're saying that all the extra costs run up in the red "loser" states will get passed on to us? How totally uncool! We're so green and ecofriendly here, we should get some kind of discount! And I don't make anywhere near $250k, so my taxes can't go up! Obama promised! I demand a recount! Turn those machines back on!

Silly dictator, noox are for kids!

2009-06-25T10:29:00.001-07:00

Whenever Li'l Kim has one of his hissy fits, hotair.com usually uses this thumbnail in their post about it. This pic cracks me up every. single. time. Take a moment and savor all the funny.

First of all, Kim, do you ever leave the house without those "Sorry, I just got my eyes dilated by the ophthalmologist so I gotta wear these" high-fashion shades? Is the sun that much brighter in the Worker's Utopia? And Kim, wherefore art thy potbelly? You used to have a certain annoying cuteness, like a little ceramic buddha. Now you're all sucked up like you've been living on meth and Red Bull. Your flabby neck(s) make Nancy Pelosi look like a cover girl for "Cosmetic Surgery Success Stories" magazine. Have a cheeseburger or two, please.

Yo, Kim posse! What the heck have you done to earn all those decorations on your uniforms? Other than a few of you getting shredded by that Israeli strike on the Syrian reactor complex last year (and you weren't supposed to even be there), when was the last time any of you saw real combat? 1953? C'mon! Cloistered nuns see more action than any of you jokers. Quit pretending you're so cool. And I'd be truly remiss if I didn't take a dig at those hats. Holy craparoni! How many channels of DirecTV can you pick up with those? When some sarcastic blogger can realistically compare you to Guinan, it's time for a new look.
----
The 4th of July is one of my favorite holidays, and I was a little bit disappointed that Obama uninvited the Iranians to his little shindig. I've seen that vid of Obama bowling. Between Obama and Biden, it was just about gare-unn-teed that during the picnic one of them would let fly with an errant lawn dart. I'd love to see Gibbs spin that one: "Jake, the errant lawn dart that struck the Ayatollah at the base of his skull and paralyzed him, is, well, as you know, umm, President Obama has nothing but love and admiration for the mullahs, so it must have been the Mossad or something." Thankfully Li'l Kim stepped up and promised to make my holiday special by testing another missile that day. Aimed at Hawaii. This will cause my heart to swell with patriotic pride, because Obama assured me that regarding Nork missiles, all the t's were crossed and all the i's were dotted. I'd rather that the Tomahawks were armed and the nork launch sites were burning but I'm kind of funny that way.

So Li'l Kimchee says if we try anything against him there will be a "fire shower of nuclear retaliation." Well, you know, it's getting near 4th of July. All the vendors are setting up their tents to sell wimpy little fireworks. They all have poorly translated names like "Lotus Flower in Springtimes Sparkle Fountain." When you light them, they go thhhhhhh and smoke for a few seconds and then the little kids clap. Yay. Kim, your fire shower of nuclear retaliation sounds just like one of those gimpy fireworks. I fully expect to stroll the fireworks booth and find "North Korean fire shower of nuclear retaliation" in the discount aisle. Do not hold in hand. Place on ground, light fuse and get away. Use only under adult supervision. Then curse under your breath at being ripped off again by a cool sounding firework that goes thhhhhh for a few seconds and smokes a little." Kim, nobody is frightened by your antics. Well, except Obama. He's pretty freaked right about now. But then again, the hissing sound of Michelle uncapping another diet Mr. Pibb is enough to make Barry dive for cover. He's the only one that's spooked by you, Kim. The rest of us are laughing our ample fannies off at you. And our fannies are ample because even with Obama in charge, our country isn't so pathetic that the populace is starving while you sit and watch your decadent imperialist DVD collection.

Brain Pain

2009-06-23T14:04:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm in the middle of a big industrial engraving job for ATS. Unfortunately, the laser burped yesterday and ruined a sheet of material. So now we don't have enough to finish the job. They are good customers, though, so I have to meet their deadline of tomorrow. That means I'm having to laser engrave on ordinary plastic sheet stock instead of the stuff specifically meant for laser engraving.

The ordinary stuff actually ablates (fancy word for "gets burned away") quite nicely, but the fumes are NASTY, even with the ventilation system maxed out. It also leaves sticky black goo on the deck of the laser machine - and on the laser operator (me) when I go to gather the finished pieces out of the laser. I refer to this goo as the "transdermal carcinogenic toxin delivery paste" 'cuz it just smells and feels like is deadly.

Between the goo and the fumes, I have a raging headache. I am starting to feel kind of loopy and weird thoughts are entering my head. I keep thinking stuff like "Ya know, maybe Obama was right avoid meddling in the deaths of helpless Iranians." Then I briefly snap out of it. But I'm worried that the black "laser bong resin" goo is going to rot my brain and turn me into a liberal.

Since I'm not thinking so clearly, I need some help. What other warning signs should I be looking for? Is this condition permanent? Should I just quit my job to go on welfare and grow hemp? I just don't know anymore...

Happy Father's Day!

2009-06-21T12:53:00.001-07:00

Hope all the fathers, grandfathers and fathers-to-be are having a great day. If you happen to be of the fairer sex, hopefully you have a great day too. But this one is for us. You had your day last month, so I really don't want to hear it right now. Unless you care to comment. I like comments. (wink-hint-nudge).

Anyway, about a week ago my daughter's boyfriend was at our house. The starter in his Explorer is bad, but it's a stick so he doesn't care that much. He thought he could roll-start it in our driveway. Unfortunately, our driveway is only about two carlengths long. While it is oh-so-slightly downhill, there is a little rise where it meets the street. Yeah, it didn't start. It ended up halfway in the street. He came back in to ask for a little help pushing it, but first we had to pull it far enough back up the driveway to complete the turn onto the street. I had my left hand in the door jamb, as the driver's door was open. As we completed our heave, he decided to shut the door. The fact that two objects can't occupy the same space at the same time didn't occur to him on either the physical or philosophical level. He shut the door, and the door displaced my hand. Painfully. Actually just the pointer and middle finger. (Symbolic?) Thankfully no bones broken or anything like that - just pain and a good opportunity to practice not cussing when I really, really, wanted to.

Fast forward to Friday afternoon. As I was stepping through the front door, a freak gust of wind tried to slam it in my face. The little brass striker thing that sticks out of the door caught my sore left pointer finger and pulled the nail about 1/4 the way off. If anything like that has happened to you before, I don't need to explain any farther. If you've been lucky enough to avoid it, well, there's a reason the Vietnamese used to torture our POWs that way.

So today, at the end of church, that same pointer finger had a small hangnail. I've been paranoid about the bent-backwards fingernail catching on things, so the hangnail was more distracting than usual. I decided to deal with it in the manly way of yanking it off. Usually this solves the problem with a minimum of fuss. Probably should have waited until tomorrow, though, because the hangnail decided it didn't want to be lonely on Father's Day. It took a fair bit of the surrounding skin with it. Thankfully I'm not one who freaks at the sight of my own blood, if you know what I mean.

Now the end of my left pointer finger more-or-less looks like I held onto a firecrakcer too long before throwing it. My wife is at work for a few more hours, and I'm sitting here by myself eating room temperature store-brand raviolis right out of the can as the weather tries to decide if it should do a full-on rain or just continue to drizzle.

How's your Father's Day going?

Dave gets schooled.

2009-06-20T10:47:00.000-07:00

CAUTION: This post contains actual math. Oooh, Scary! I gave it a good-faith attempt at accuracy, but please don't snivel if you find an error.

[David Letterman] "Give it up for Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra!"

[commercial break]

[boring, not very funny monologue by Dave]

[commercial break]

[Dave L.] "and the number one reason..." [drumroll] "Michelle's sculpted arms!"

[commercial break]

[Dave L] "A warm, soothing beverage" [elevates coffee mug]

[Paul S, laughing, mouth agape] "A-ha-ha-ha-ha-heh-ha!"

[audience, laughing] "A-ha-ha-ha-ha-heh-ha!"

[Dave L] "Allow me to introduce our first guest, Governor Sarah Palin!"

[audience split between cheers and boos]

[Palin enters and takes a seat]

[Dave L] "So, are you going to complain about the frigid conditions in the Green Room, like all the other conservatives I invite on this show?"

[Palin] "Actua..."

[Dave, interrupting] "I'm not cold, because I have a warm, soothing beverage" [elevates coffee mug]

[Paul S, laughing, mouth agape] "A-ha-ha-ha-ha-heh-ha!"

[audience, laughing] "A-ha-ha-ha-ha-heh-ha!"

[Palin] "I was going to say, you call that cold? That's not cold. Where I come from, we call that let's head to the swimmin' hole kind of temperatures! So Dave," [winks] "um, is it alright to call you 'Dave', or do you prefer 'Senator Boxer'? I mean, you've fought really hard to earn that title."

[Dave L] "Uhh..."

[Palin] "No, really, it's your show. What do you want to talk about?"

[Dave L] "Truth be told, we bring guests on because the people are interested in them. What do YOU want to talk about?"

[Palin] "OK, let's set the record straight. I'm not here for me. I'm here for you and CBS. CBS's ratings are so far down the toilet that I'm worried that Obama might try to nationalize your broken network. Our country can't afford another bottomless pit of government spending trying to prop up a failed enterprise. I'm hoping my appearance will give you enough of a ratings boost to keep your network out of bail-out-land."

[Dave L, humbly] "I appreciate that. We need all the help we can get. I apologized, as sincerely as this bitter old man is able, but the rabble are still upset about my jokes. They're boycotting my advertisers. Can you get them to chill out? If I lose my job, I won't be able to afford all the cosmetic surgery my wife so desperately needs!"

[Palin] "I'll see what I can do. If you promise to try not to insult my kids, I promise to try to save your sorry show."

[Dave] "Deal. Now, what's been going on up in the Great White North?"

[Palin] "I've very pleased with the progress being made on the natural gas pipeline."

[Dave, back to normal sarcastic self] "There you go with the fossil fuel thing again. That's like, so 20th century!" [monotonous chanting voice] "Drill... Here... Drill... Now... Kill... Polar... Bears... So... I... Can... Drive... My... SUV"

[Paul S, laughing, mouth agape] "A-ha-ha-ha-ha-heh-ha!"

[audience, laughing] "A-ha-ha-ha-ha-heh-ha!"

[Dave, normal voice] "Seriously, everybody's going to be driving electric cars soon. Why the incessant pleas for more carbon-based, non-renewable, polluting energy from hell?"

[Palin] "Let's try some math. But first, I must correct you. It is Drill, Baby, Drill! Anyway, the latest available numbers, from 2003, show that Americans drove 2,890,893 million miles. That's 2,890,893,000,000 miles in one year. We use about 20,680,000 bbl/day of petroleum, which works out to about 317,024,400,000 gallons per year. Each of those gallons has about 115,000 BTU of chemical energy stored in it. Or 121 megajoules, if you prefer. It is unrealistic to think that ALL cars will be electric, so let's say half go electric. Let's also acknowledge that the internal combustion process loses a lot of that energy out the tailpipe as wasted heat. Are you keeping up?"

[Dave] "Everybody says you're just a dumb chillbilly."

[Palin] "Those 317,024,400,000 gallons we burn each year release 38,359,952,400,000 megajoules of energy. Due to the inefficiencies I cited above, only about 7,671,990,480,000 of those megajoules are used to actually propel the vehicle. Since we don't yet have viable electric cars being massed produced, we'll have to make to assumptions. I'll be generous and assume these cars will be very efficient, and weigh considerably less than a conventional gas-powered car. Let's say that those cars could somehow go the same number of miles on about half the total power that petroleum gives us. We'd then need 3,835,995,240,000 megajoules of energy to move them. Actually, since we're assuming that only half the vehicles on the road end up being electric, we can halve that again. 1,917,997,620,000 megajoules of electrical energy. Do you remember what a watt is?

[Dave] "I'm not stupid! A watt is how bright my lightbulbs are! I favor 60W bulbs, but that's just me."

[Palin] "It is also one joule per second. If we could somehow avoid peak times and spread that load out evenly over the course of a year, we'd need our electrical grid to supply an additional 60,819 megawatts on a continuous basis. Remember the rolling blackouts in California a couple years ago? Do think the grid could handle it? How would we do it?"

[Dave] "Windmills"

[Palin] "A new windfarm in Oklahoma just put in 82 windmills to get 123 megawatts. Do the math, and we'd need about 45,000 windmills like that to move our little electric cars. At least when the wind is blowing. Where do you want to site these? Are the radical greens and NIMBYs going to just roll over, or will they fight every last one in court until we're all old? And what do we do when the wind isn't blowing?"

[Dave] "Hmmm. OK, you're not a dumb bimbo. You're just a bimbo. A bimbo without a warm, soothing beverage" [elevates coffee mug]

[Paul S, laughing, mouth agape] "A-ha-ha-ha-ha-heh-ha!"

[audience, laughing] "A-ha-ha-ha-ha-heh-ha!"

[Palin] "My husband hasn't been to NYC in a long time, so he traveled with me. Are you aware that he's just offstage, right outside those doors over there? " [points towards door]

[Dave] "You conservatives are always fear-mongering. I don't believe you."

[Todd Palin enters]

[Dave, panicky. Spews warm soothing beverage on desk and lapel. Reaches for phone]

[911] "Hello. What is the nature of your emergency?"

[Dave] "It's Dave Letterman again. Todd Palin is here to commit acts of violence."

[911] "Mr. Letterman, we've been through this before. Your nightmares do not qualify as legitimate emergencies."

[Dave] "But I'm not dreaming. He's actually here."

[911] "Please hold while I redirect your call to the crazy nutwad crisis line."

[Dave, hanging up phone] "Oh, hi, Todd!"

[Todd P] "Hey, Dave!"

[Dave] "So, what do you want to talk about?"

[Todd P] "I want to talk about how I'm going to abuse you like a rented snowmachine. I want to talk about how my fist is going to part your gapteeth like a .338 WinMag parts the ribs on a bull moose. I want to talk about how much my wife is NOT a bimbo."

[Dave, sweating, despite cold studio temperature] "Uh, uh, I like that last part the best. Let's talk about that. Let's talk about how your charming, intelligent, attractive and capable wife is going to become President in 2012."

[commercial break]

Barry Crucial Strategy Session

2009-06-13T10:28:00.000-07:00

Obama cabinet meeting. Secretaries, directors, advisers and czars present. VP Biden conspicuously absent. President Obama likewise conspicuously absent.

[SecHS Napolitano] "I hope Obama hurries up! I rented a compressor and a pneumatic die-grinder to finally deal with that corn on my left foot. If I don't return it by 3:00 I have to pay for a second day!"

[Axelrod] "Ugh. That's the most disgusting thing I ever heard! Wait... The second most. The worst was that time I put castor oil in Biden's iced tea... I didn't think human guts could sound like that."

[Napolitano] "Wake me up if he decides to show up" [rests head on DHS notebook, small pool of drool begins to form at the corner of her mouth]

[Obama, entering. With a noticeable limp] "Sorry I'm late, guys."

[Rahm Emanuel] "Sire, what harm has befallen you? Shall I summon the doctors?"

[Obama] "Nah, I'll be fine. Michelle insisted on modeling for me. You know, all the overpriced crap she bought in Paris last week. She was wearing this ridiculous dress that made it look like she was wearing a giant pack of tropical-fruit Lifesavers. I wasn't sufficiently complimentary of her appearance, so she kicked me in the shin with those stupid $600 sneakers. I think she cracked my fibula."

[Rahm E.] "Egads! We must get you to the hospital!"

[Obama] "No, really. I tried fibbing. I can still fib fine, even with a damaged fibula."

[Axelrod, facepalm gesture]

[Obama] "Let's start with international issues. I've been flying around the world lately, and I haven't really kept up with the news, so fill me in. North Korea?"

[SecState Clinton] "I've taken this to the UN. They've agreed that something must be done. It has been decided that there shall be inspections of cargo craft entering and leaving North Korean waters. Food, medicine, that kind of stuff can proceed unhindered, but anything that might have military use will be interdicted."

[Obama] "Geez. That sounds kind of hawkish and harsh."

[Clinton] "The inspections are strictly voluntary. If the craft declines to participate, it is free to continue its trip."

[Obama] "Whew! You had me scared there for a sec! And all those right-wingers say the UN is useless! Hah! They can really accomplish things when the set their minds to it!"

[Clinton] "That bumbling fool Booooosh never acted this decisively against the Norks because he was always afraid, like a little girl, of upsetting the Chinese. He was worried that they'd dump their holdings of US debt, which would clobber the value of our dollar. But I'll let Tim take you through that part later."

[Napolitano, mumbling in her sleep] "Whaddya mean? Dere's no sush thing as too much guacamole."

[Obama] "Somebody wake her up."

[Rahm E. takes large book from shelf, slams it on the table next to Napolitano]

[Napolitano, jerking to alertness] "Is anybody else hungry? I could really go for a really big burrito with tons of guac right about now. Doesn't that sound yummy? Oh, and my foot hurts. Wanna see my corn?"

[SecTreas Geithner] "Ick. I might never be hungry again."

[Obama] "What progress have you made with the Gitmo detainees?"

[Napolitano] "Secretary Clinton and I have arranged for 4 of the Uighurs to be transported to Bermuda."

[Obama] "Won't that bother the Brits? I think they have some kind of arrangement with Bermuda or something."

[Clinton] "Yes. We intentionally avoided telling them until it was too late for them to do much about it. They're hopping mad. [Bad cockney accent] "Indeed, bloody pissed, I'd say"

[Obama] "Perfect! Hey, England!" [arabic accent] "In the name of the prophet, I issue a fartwa in your general direction!"

[collective laughter from all assembled]

[Obama, still chuckling] "OK, let's stay on task. What's the news on the economy? Timbo, what was Hill' talking about?"

[Geithner] "I've prepared a chart. This blue line illustrates the percent change in our money supply. Note the drastic upward spike since you took office."

[Obama] "Oooh! A hockey stick graph! I love those! So this means we have a LOT more money now?"

[Geithner] "Exactly. We're all rich. Additionally, these actions have significantly devalued the dollar. This has a number of benefits - among them making imported petroleum a lot more expensive, so more people will want to buy those silly little cars we're making GM and Chrysler produce. Also, it acts as a hedge against China dumping their debt holdings. Though they hold many, many billions of dollars worth of our debt, you have done so much deficit spending that a dump from China would be barely noticeable. It'd be like one drop of debt in a giant, GIANT ocean of debt. Your predecessor did a lot of deficit spending, too, but not nearly enough to so thoroughly insulate us from any pressure the Chinese might try to exert on our dollar. Once again, you make Booooosh look like an amateur."

[Obama] "Yeah, baby! And you ain't seen nuthin' yet!"

[Obama, continuing] "Which brings us around to the big topic of the day. Biden. His gaffes are getting out of control. I'm really starting to think it is time for Joe to fall on the sword and go away."

[Axelrod, excitedly] "I'll help!!!"

[Obama] "You may recall that during the election season, we reduced our short list of potential veeps to Biden, Evan Bayh," [nods toward Hillary] "and Madam Secretary. I think we need to give ol' Ev a call."

[Axelrod] "OK, that sounds good at first glance. But he's a Senator. If we call him up to the big leagues now, there'll soon be a special election to replace him. Middle America is being weird. Ya know, kinda burned out on the whole Hopenchange thing. Dunno if another dem would win in Indiana right now. That could really screw up the filibuster-proof majority you enjoy right now. It'd really suck to have to nominate sane and sensible Supreme Court justices just because we lacked the votes to break a filibuster."

[Obama] "Good point. Hmmm. Now I'm not sure what to do."

[Hillary, sitting up very straight, smiling sweetly (well, "sweetly" as a Hillary smile goes. Still around a pH of 1.3)] "Umm, Mr. President? Ooops, I mean Your Highness? I kinda think I know somebody who might just be a little interested in taking over for Joe. And she was on your short list."

[Obama] "Really? You're still interested, even after all the abuse I heaped on you during the primaries?"

[Clinton] "Oh, yes! It's a miracle how you were the first politician ever to rise through the ranks of Chicago Machine politics without being the least bit tainted by scandal. It's also a miracle that you're a cigarette-smoking, high-cholesterol cheeseburger-eating African-American with a very high-stress job who isn't the least bit tainted by heart disease. So of course I'd like to be one heartbeat away from the Presidency!"

[Obama] "Ummm. Nevermind." [Pushes intercom button] "Send in Joe."

[Biden, entering] "Hey, guys! [Looks towards Rahm E.] "Yo, twinkletoes! I'm suprised you haven't gone all IDF Krav-Maga on Reverend Wright about his Jew comments from the other day."

[Rahm E.] "You dolt, I'll have you know that the Reverend's words were carefully chosen by none other than myself."

[Obama] "Yes. After my speech in Cairo many of my Jewish friends were concerned that I'm too partial to the mooselimbs in my Middle East policies. So we sent the Reverend out to reinforce the notion that I am actually a puppet of powerful Jews. My Jewish friends feel a lot better now."

[Biden] "Normally, as you all know well, I am the smartest man in any given room. But you guys got me on that one!"

[Obama] "You mention your intelligence, which brings us around to the subject at hand. Your gaffes, or "verbal flatulence" as I like to call them, are becoming unbearable. The other day, when discussing the Amtrak tunnel, you said it was for automobile use. Allow me to take a moment to remind you that the Amtrak you like to ride is" [edge to his voice] "actually a train."

[Biden, hesitantly] "Ummm, uhhh. That quote was taken out of context. Umm, yeah, they won't let me drive the train, so I have to ride in one of the CARS in the back. Way, way in the back, most of the time. I was talking about TRAIN CARS. Yeah, that's it. Don't let all those awful right-wingers like the Sierra Club deceive you when they mangle one of my quotes."

[Obama] "Well done. You backtrack and deflect like a real professional!"

[Biden, slightly relieved] "Uhh, thanks, I think."

[Obama] "What about your claim the other day? You were asked about whether my stimulus had actually saved and/or created 600,000 jobs. You said the methodology in calculating that figure was 'above your pay grade.' Are you the Stimulus Sheriff or are you not?"

[Biden, defensively] "Well, it IS above my pay grade! I only make $227,300 a year. That's chump-change around here! Heck, people like Jack Murtha and Dianne Fineswine get more than that from crooked lobbyists in a single day!"

[Obama] "Joe, I'm impressed! That was a masterful use of distraction - taking the focus off yourself and directing it at others. You handled that exactly the way I blame everything on Booooosh. Nicely done. I apologize, on behalf of all America, for our national arrogance and for suggesting that you might be gaffe-prone. Carry On!"

[Biden] "Sir! Yes, Sir!"

[Axelrod, under his breath] "Dang!"

Thanks, Barry!

2009-06-09T09:51:00.000-07:00

President Obeyme has spent a lot of camera time telling us that his policies have saved X number of jobs. That number varies; last I heard I think it was 150,000. This got me to thinking - is my job one that has been miraculously spared by The One? He's so busy traveling and playing golf - I wouldn't want to bother him by actually asking him to name one single specific job he's saved. So is there a list somewhere that I can check?

Wait a sec... ever since I got that really rude surprise at tax time last year, I've been working TWO jobs. Has Obama saved them both? That'd be really amazing! Even if he hasn't saved both, there's a pretty good chance that he's saved at least one of them.

So, as I slavishly toil away at two jobs, trying to catch up on all the taxes my state and federal governments are attempting to wring from my increasingly skeletal and dessicated existence, I will be doubly thankful that my two jobs are likely among those mysterious 150k that Dear Leader has deigned to preserve.

But the uncertainty is killing me! Did he save my job or not? How would I be able to tell if my job(s) are ones that have been saved by Obama?

Greatest Movie Line Ever!

2009-06-08T14:54:00.000-07:00

Hey, did you know that once upon a time, Hollywood produced things that were funny, un-PC, and could still be enjoyed by the whole family? Hard to believe, but here is some proof:

Make sure your volume is up high enough to hear the very end.

Tip of the ol' chapeau to aA at geezerchronicles.

Found a good joke

2009-06-01T21:06:00.000-07:00

Click over and read this.

Ponder this!

2009-05-29T14:04:00.000-07:00

Sorry. Slammed at work lately, not much time to post. In the meantime, consider this comment recently left in the old Cheney Cloning post.

I know I should be worried by this. But I'm at a loss as to what form of worry would be most appropriate.

I feel dirty

2009-05-26T12:06:00.001-07:00

I'm in the middle of engraving three awards for the Benton County Democrats. I don't like the Benton County Democrats. I don't like their hippie-dippy fused glass awards. Maybe I should scratch them all up and then say "sorry, that's how they looked when I got them." I don't like the typestyles they selected. The brass/glass/wood thing just doesn't have the right vibe. You'd think these dorky liberal Art History majors and Feng Shui practitioners would have a little better sense of aesthetics. The whole thing is unpleasant in the extreme, and I worry that I'll break out in hives before the project is completed. It bothers me that some stupid democrats are going to be at some stupid democrat banquet to receive these stupid democrat awards that I've had to engrave. I fear that they may actually cherish these awards and display them proudly. These awards may trigger conversations between democrats like

"Nice award! What'd you do to earn that?"

"Well, I spit on a veteran, fought to have 'Christmas Break' be renamed 'Winter Holiday Break' and I live on welfare."

"Great job! I want one of those awards, too! I think I'll burn a flag or two, then register a bunch of dead people to vote."

In other words, my precious skills and talents are actually being used to make democrats happy. I feel dirty.

Cataclysmic California Quake narrowly averted

2009-05-26T10:32:00.000-07:00

No, silly - it's not because their budget is so whacked they can't afford it. It's because Prop 8 was upheld today. There will be no gay marriage in California! The whole "gay marriage" thing is a contradiction in terms. We make a mistake by even using their terminology. "Gay marriage" is like a "feline dog" or "sensible liberal" - there ain't no such thing.

Sing it with me! (To the tune of the theme from Married With Children)

Gay and Marriage, Gay and Marriage
Go together like Kites and Cabbage!
Let me tell you, brother -
Whichever sex you are, wed the OTHER!

So, if you bought oceanfront property in western Arizona thinking that California was about to be judged and cast into the sea, you'll have to wait a bit longer.

Barry secret bunker

2009-05-24T13:46:00.001-07:00

US Naval Observatory - the Vice President's Residence. VP Biden is restless and having trouble sleeping. Very faint, almost inaudible voices are heard murmuring in the background.

[Biden, to himself] "Oh, not again! [to nobody in particular] "I know you're in here. I'm gonna getcha this time! I bet it's you, Cheney! You think I didn't notice that you only gave us one set of keys when we moved in? You think I'm too stupid to figure out that you kept a set, and you're breaking into my house in the middle of the night? Well, this time, you're in big trouble!" [Fetches little-used lacrosse stick that he used in college. OK, would have used in college, if his coach had ever decided to actually put him in a game.]

[Biden swinging stick menacingly, trying to sound self-confident] "Ready or not, Here I Come!"

[Traverses the house, going room to room] "AHA!" [Leaps through doorway, swings at his own shadow, startling the family cat]

[family cat] "MREEEWOWWW!" [cat flees]

[Biden] "Dang!"

The search nearly completed, VP Biden approaches the library at the end of the hall. The voices seem oh-so-slightly louder.

[Biden, nervous but trying to sound tough] "I'm getting warmer!" [Reaches around corner to flick light switch, steeling himself for the dramatic confrontation...]

The lights come on, and Biden finds the room unoccupied and nearly barren. One shelf has a few of Cheney's personal books left on it, which were overlooked during the move-out.

[Biden, examining books, to himself] "Wealth of Nations? Never heard of it. Atlas Shrugged? Well, shrugs are pretty good for the shoulder muscles after all." [Spots autographed hardbound copy of Clancy's Clear & Present Danger] "I gotta get rid of all Cheney's junk and get some decent books in my library! My friends would puke if they saw this stuff!"

As the VP picks up the Clancy novel, the bookshelf silently glides 3 feet to the right, revealing a dark passage.

[Biden] "Whoa!" [puts book back on shelf, bookcase silently glides back to its original location, concealing the tunnel]

[Biden] "Duuuuude!" [retrieves book again to open the tunnel and proceeds into the darkness, lacrosse stick held ready to strike. The voices become more distinguishable as he makes his way]

Some distance in, VP Biden nears a dimly lit room full of sophisticated electronics. He tiptoes in and lunges to attack the nearest person.

[Biden, yelling as he swings] "Cheney goin' down!"

The shocked female Navy officer, an ensign fresh out of college ROTC, deftly parries the blow and disarms the VP. She brings him to the ground with a vicious judo throw and holds the lacrosse stick over Biden's throat.

[Ensign, realizing who she has captured, releases him and stands at attention] "VP on the deck!"

The other officers turn and snap to attention.

[Biden, coming to his feet] "As you are. Or 'as you were' or whatever it is I'm supposed to say."

[Admiral] "Sorry, sir! You seem to have startled some of our crew! We weren't expecting unannounced visitors. But it is a pleasure to see you, nonetheless."

[Biden, taking in the scene, eyeballing all the communications gear] "So THIS is the secret undisclosed location!"

[Admiral] "Yes, I thought you'd been briefed about this a long time ago. In the event of a clear and present danger to either you or the president, this fortified bunker is your immediate refuge. From here we can command all military and security personnel."

[Biden] "So cool!"

[Admiral] "So grab a cup of coffee and take a look around. Let me know if you have any questions. [Laughing] Of course I don't really need to remind you not to touch anything. But I have to remind you anyway, so please consider yourself reminded."

[Biden, laughing back] "No prob. I recognize all this gear 'cuz I hang out at Radio Shack. A lot. They even send me catalogs in the mail."

[Admiral, patting the VP on the back] "Roger. Enjoy your visit." [Goes back to his duties]

[Biden, marveling at all the switches, succumbs to temptation. He lifts the plexiglass cover over a big red switch and flips it]

A digital display beneath the switch reads:

SEQUENCE ENABLED. TURN KEY LABELED "BRAVO SIERRA" CLOCKWISE TO INITIATE SEQUENCE.

[Biden, giddy, looks for the right key. Finding it, he gives it a twist.]

LAUNCH SEQUENCE INITIATED. TURN KEY LABELED "BRAVO SIERRA" COUNTERCLOCKWISE WITHIN TEN SECONDS TO ABORT.

[Biden, anxiously, to himself] "Hurry up! 10 seconds has never felt so long! Well, except that time I tried to hold my breath underwater for 10 seconds in the YMCA pool and I almost drowned."

-----------------
USS Pennsylvania, deep in the waters of the Sea of Japan

[communications] "Conn! Order verified for Operation Delta-Seven!"

[Captain] "Are you sure? Confirm!"

[communications] "Confirmed! Encoded message from Naval Observatory Bunker Alpha!"

[Captain] "Crap! Something horrible must've happened to the mainland!" [hesitates for about one second] "Helm! All ahead, flank speed. Full rise on the dive planes! Bring us up to launch depth, NOW!" [Grabbing PA mike] "Attention! All hands to duty stations. Operation Delta-Seven initiated. This is not a drill! We are at war, and we're going to burn Li'l Kim's playhouse down!"

[Frantic activity throughout the sub as crewmen man their stations and power up critical systems. It looks utterly chaotic to the untrained eye, but is actually smooth and well-rehearsed.]

[sonar] "Conn, sonar! Surface contacts 1 and 2 changing bearing and accelerating. They've heard us!"

[Captain] "Aye, sonar. That's OK. In about 5 minutes when we light up Pyongyang, everybody will know we're here."

[Captain] "Helm, Conn! What's our depth?"

[helm] "Conn, about 200 meters below launch depth"

[Captain] "This is taking too long." [hits intercom button] "Engine room, Conn. Go to 120% on the reactor. Firewall it, lieutenant!!"

[Engine room] "120%? But, sir..."

[Captain] "Don't but me, lieutenant, unless you want to go home in the brig!"

[Captain] "Ops, Conn! Set warheads on 1 and 2 to maximum yield! Flood launch tubes, prepare to launch, on my mark!"

[ops] "Aye!"

[sonar] "Conn, sonar! Surface contact 2 is dropping sonobuoys. They are going active! They know exactly where we are!"

[Captain] "Ignore them 'til we've launched."
----------------------
Meanwhile, back at Naval Observatory.

[Admiral, looking over VP's shoulder] "So, Mr. Vice President, how do you like your bunke..." [notices display]

LAUNCH SEQUENCE INITIATED. OPERATION DELTA-SEVEN IN PROGRESS.

[Admiral] "What the heck?!?!......Holy [bleep]!"

[Admiral, grabbing phone and keying a code] "Pennsylvania! Pennsylvania! Belay that order! Stand Down! Repeat, Belay that Order! Stand Down!"
-------------------
USS Pennsylvania

[communications] "Conn, receiving new orders. Stand down! Stand down!"

[Captain, into PA] "All hands, stand down! Repeat, stand down!"

[Captain, angrily] "Idiots!" "Helm, Conn! Dive! Ahead 3/4. Set a course for the Panama Canal. We're going to DC! I'm gonna find the primitive screwhead that did this to us and yank his spleen out with my bare hands!"

Human Cloning

2009-05-22T10:29:00.000-07:00

For most of my life I have thought that cloning humans is a truly evil thing. Right up there with abortion, child molestation and '80s long-haired glam-rockers. Mainly I hate it 'cuz it involves messing with life in ways that Fallen Man Ought Not Do. But also because its main proponents are self-absorbed baby-boomers who like to think this technology will keep them young and healthy right up until the moment their last brain cell dies of disuse.

But...

Former VP Cheney gave this speech the other day. He's been calling out the Obama and Pelosi for quite a while now regarding torture and national security, and they've actually had to modify their positions because of the heat they've gotten from Cheney...

Then Liz Cheney comes out and totally whacks CNN's Anderson Goober like a low-hanging piñata...

Bringing me back around to the topic at hand...

We have a shortage of Cheneys. This superior sub-species of humanity doesn't naturally reproduce quickly enough to keep up with demand. We need a lot more Cheneys. Now. So I'm willing to look the other way while the geneticists cook us up a big batch of Cheneys.

Get to work, you lazy smock-n-goggles-wearing labgeeks!

I wish I knew how to embed audio in blogger. Imperial March from Star Wars would be fitting.

Barry stringent CAFE requirements

2009-05-19T15:42:00.000-07:00

Obama and Axelrod in White House media room watching the news.

[Axelrod] " Bams, I am soooo loving this coverage of Pelosi! The republicans are going after her with everything they have. Rightfully so. She's looking pathetic out there, changing her story all the time. Even in the same interview. It reminds me of when Hill choked on the driver's license question back in the debates. That's when you really started to pick up electoral momentum."

[Obama] "Yeah, Ax. I feel like I could get away with just about anything right now. The righties are so worked up about Nan that they wouldn't even notice if I nationalized another industry."

[Axelrod] "True. But still, there's nothing funnier than watching chicks squirm and flip-flop when asked tough questions. That's why there'll never be a chick president."

[Michelle O, in the other room, violently clangs two frying pans together] "I heard that, David!"

[Axelrod, cringing. Apologetic tone, stuttering in fear] "I meant 'n-n-nothing is funnier than watching white chicks squirm when questioned. Yeah, that's it. And that there'll never b-b-be a white chick running the White House.' Seriously. I, I, I'm talking about P-P-Palin. She'd never be able to handle even half the harsh scrutiny the media puts you and your gorgeous arms through!"

[Michelle O] "More like it. Now you're talking sense."

[Obama, quietly] "Nice recovery, Ax. I thought you were a dead man!" [Normal voice] "Heh. Now Boehner's on. He just told Nancy to produce evidence that the CIA lied, or to shut up! This is awesome!"

[Axelrod] "How's she going to spin it now? She's already flip-flopping like some spun-out tweeker getting tazed in the groin!"

[Obama] "K, Ax. While Nan is drawing all the fire, we need to move. Never waste a crisis! Ideas?"

[Axelrod] "You're right. You could burn down an orphanage full of blind kids, and nobody'd notice 'cuz they're all freaked out by having to see Pelosi on TV so much lately. Let's take advantage. There's a voting bloc we haven't done much for yet, and we need to keep them on our side. You should use this period of distraction to arbitrarily jack up the CAFE standards to outrageous levels. That'll make the greens happy for a while."

[Obama] "Darn right! It's just about impossible to get a decent cup of coffee in this stupid town. And everything has WAY too much trans-fat. I'm going to set sky-high CAFE standards on every café in the land!" [Stands up, does brief butter-churn cool-guy dance] "Uh huh, uh huh!"

[Axelrod, rolling eyes] "Great idea, 'Bams! Tax the crud out of any diner that has crummy coffee. But I also think you should jack up the Corporate Average Fleet Efficiency standards."

[Obama, pausing with arms in mid-churn] "Ummmm. Okay. This is where you tell me what the heck you're talking about."

[Axelrod] "Short version: You tell the automakers that all their cars have to get 50% better mileage while putting out 15% less pollution. Even trucks and SUVs. The envirodorks will love you. The oil companies will be mad. Win-win."

[Obama, wringing hands greedily] "Yessssss!" [Paces back-and-forth with evil grin] [Hesitates] "But Americans hate those nerdy little cars. Who will buy them?"

[Axelrod] "Who cares? Imagine: Next time you want to go to the lake there are no rednecks racing around on jetskis! None of the tiny gutless SUVs we're gonna sell will be able to tow a jetski, so there'll be no crowds at the lake!"

[Obama] "Ooooohhh... I like it. But if nobody buys these dumb little cars, what will happen to the automakers?"

[Axelrod] "That's the glory of big labor! The union guys get paid whether they make big cars, little cars, or no cars at all! The UAW will really love you now, since you'll be dramatically reducing their workload! And if everybody's running around getting 50mpg in these little putt-putts, how's that 'Drill, baby, Drill!' gonna sound next time Palin opens her yap? I'm tellin' ya, she'll be toast! Obama 2012!"

[Obama, gazing towards the horizon] "Rahm! Summon the Press Corps! I have a big announcement to make! And tell Panetta to keep Pelosi on the hot seat for a while longer!"