"Tomorrow, a book...."

2009-06-26T10:20:00.003+01:00

R.I.P - M.J (1958 - 2009)

2009-06-24T17:24:00.008+01:00

"You've been gone 17 days, and 17 long nights" (wrote ickle lickle Prince once upon a time) and that, I'm sorry to report, has indeed been the duration betwixt my postings. Perpetual infantile stewardship is depleting valuable resources and so I'm finding that I barely have the energy to depress the keys on this keyboard, let alone depress the keys in the correct order to produce mildly entertaining nonsense to boot. Is there anyone out there willing to jack right into my cerebral cortex and simply drain the essence of my musings into html format, with pics, for the blog so I can carry on sleeping whilst simultaneously remaining 'online' and "current"? No? . This brain needs coffee and crullers, stat!

Anyway, despite that pediatric preface, I refuse to turn this blog into a baby update noticeboard (you can use the My Coco link on the right for that :0), so let's have a pop at Steve Davis instead. For those few of you out there who didn't watch BBC2 on Sunday afternoons in the 1980's, Steve Davis used to be the world's number one snooker player. He was also, possibly unfairly, perceived to be an extremely straight and drab and boring ginger man. Now, it is customary in snooker, as in a lot of sports actually, for some of the more successful or prominent players to be given epithets relevant to their persona, attributes or playing style. Some of Steve's contempories at the time therefore were awarded somewhat flamboyant and exciting nick-names, such as Alex "Hurricane" Higgins and Jimmy "Whirlwind" White. Steve's nickname however was "Interesting". Steve "Interesting" Davis. Personally I felt that was a bit off and they could have at least stretched to something a bit more in the weather vein (excuse the pun), something comparable to Alex and Jimmy's nicknames and possibly also emanating from the Beaufort scale. Steve "Gentle Breeze" Davis maybe?

His eminence at snooker, dull personality and lack of "wind based" nickname therefore made it all the more confusing for me when I saw this advert:

Now I've checked Steve's Wikipedia entry and nowhere can I find anything that even remotely hints to him being any sort of authority on double-glazing (that would be Dennis Taylor with his over-sized glasses shurely? Ho ho). Why and how would any advertising company connect Steve Davis's snooker prowess with PVC windows, doors and conservatorys? I find the whole thing a bit suspect to be honest. A bit like a bodge job and cheap shot (trick shot? - Enough with the puns!! Ed) at pure attention grabbing advertising. What's also odd is the thumb thing he's doing. It doesn't look at all natural to me. Looks more like a picture that's been Photoshopped for an ulterior purpose. To help illustrate the point, here's my "artist's impression" of how the original would have looked, with the missing snooker cue re-instated:

Poor Steve isn't the first celebrity to fall foul of the develish photo editing application that is Photoshop and I doubt he'll be the last. It's the least we can do in the meantime though to boycott the despicable Network VEKA. Peace and love comrades.

2009-06-07T19:58:00.004+01:00

And as if by magic, a baby arrived. Subtitled as, "At last, a valid use of the blog!".

So, here we have: Coco Brockbank-Gash, 7lb 4oz, born at 07:34, 07/06/09 at Wallingford Cottage Hospital.

Just two things to note:

She is much happier in real life than is suggested by any of the photos I've taken so far
Yes, we have unscrewed her hands to stop her from scratching herself

Awesome.

2009-06-02T21:08:00.004+01:00

Measured quietness reigning down from me at the moment. Even in the house we're speaking in hushed tones in case any overtly loud noise brings on the contractions early or some such malarkey - homunculus disgorgement is imminent...

To while away some of the time though I knocked up this piece of trash.

I purchased a homemade oil painting from eBay for the princely sum of 99p, and then proceeded to defile it with vintage (1983-86) transfers from He-Man, Star Wars, Battlestar Galactica and Knight Rider. It didn't actually turn out as well as I'd hoped - I think the term, "over egged the pudding" would be an accurate description of the result - but it's going to go into Toby's room anyway, and he likes it.

And finally, the fruit (literally) of our labours in the garden.

Not the sum total of course, just the stuff that's ready to eat now. I know what you're thinking, "you're going to have to freeze some of that over-harvest or it'll spoil". Pathetic isn't it? And I don't even like strawberries. All the other stuff in the veg patch is either over-watered, under-watered, partially gnawed by cats and\or pigeons or appears to be descended from some kind of rare breed dwarf variety that refuses to, or is genetically incapable of, growing beyond the stage it was at when we planted it....4 weeks ago. More "gardening sucks a massive wiener" stories at a later date pop pickers...
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are you watching me........?

2009-05-28T18:24:00.002+01:00

Aaaaand again:

Whilst perusing our SharePoint portal today, my deranged colleague asked me if I was going to log a defect for a minor cosmetic issue I'd noticed by the site's login box. One of the background graphics was slightly distorted; I said it looked to me like a hare-lip, but no, I wouldn't be logging it as a defect. Half an hour later I had to go to a meeting with James, one of the portal developers in a different building, reviewing open defects. The chap sitting opposite James had a hare-lip. Which I couldn't stop staring at. Not because I was being insensitive, but because it was ~~a sign from God~~ an interesting co-incidence.

Clarification: It was I that had mentioned "hare-lip", I'd never been to that floor of the building and had never met or seen either of these 2 guys before.

2009-05-26T22:18:00.002+01:00

More co-incidences. I thought I'd be upfront about it at least and tell you straight off. I don't want you getting halfway through the post and then face-palming yourself with, "Oh not again. Get over it!". So, you know the format:

1. This one's a bit self-referential (is that the right word?). I was telling Simon, my new work buddy, about a co-incidence I had last week. I had seen that someone had posted some free tickets to a gig at the Roundhouse in London for a guy named Holger Czukay. I'm always up for a freebie, particularly if it's at the Roundhouse, which is a great venue. Unfortunately I couldn't go and also I had no idea who Keyser Soze, or whoever, was. Later that evening I discovered that he was a co-founder of krautrock band Can when I read his name in a review of an unrelated CD in The Wire - it was literally the first paragraph I read. Simon wasn't that impressed with the co-incidence, and come to think of it, I'm not now either. They always seem weirder when they happen personally and out of the blue. Anyways...

2. I was telling Simon this (in hindsight, un-) interesting story, when I had a heart palpitation. I exclaimed a faint, "Oh" and checked my pulse. He enquired, in his sardonic Brummie brogue, "What's wrong, have you trodden on a frog". I was pretty shocked by his throwaway jocular query. And why? Last night at about 8.30pm whilst walking up the path to water our fledgling vegetable patch I trod on what I thought was, and felt like, a slippery cat poop. Of course it wasn't a poop, it was a frog which, bizarrely and thankfully, hopped off unharmed.

Now, this is the sort of thing that the Lost script writers wove into a 6 season TV series, so whether you find it interesting or not is irrelevant - I've got some killer material here. Now if only I can rope in some "hot" actors and a tropical paradise setting...

2009-05-24T20:42:00.003+01:00

It's been a gorgeous Bank Holiday weekend so far, so no time to be sitting down tappy tapping stuff and nonsense, but I did have two co-incidences today to keep that little topic spinning along:

1. Toby had a friend over to stay last night and so we had to drop him off this morning after I got back from some fast and furious mountain biking down near Henley. In the car on the way to Newbury we 'lounged' to the Best of Acid Jazz album, which I often dust off as soon as we get prolonged periods of sunshine (predictable? moi?). US3's Cantaloop was just finishing as we parked up and headed into town to get something to eat. We chose ASK as a fairly safe bet (except actually I had to send my calzone back as the pancetta in it was raw!!) and, as we walked in, playing on their stereo was Herbie Hancock's Water Melon Man which, as I'm sure you know, was the source of the samples for Us3's Cantaloop. Cantaloop? Canta-spook more like.

2. Idly flicking through the micro-blog links on Ben Goldacre's BadScience.net, I ended up at a site blogging about a book reader app for the iPhone called Eucalyptus (it looks very cool - I'm starting to get hunger pangs for one of these iPhones now; dangerous...). I watched the short demo movie which turned the pages (as though they were real pages) of Jules Vernes - Around The World In 80 Days, just as an advert came on the TV for next Sunday's family film...Around The World In 80 Days (the rubbish one with Steve Coogan and Jackie Chan).

Spook(y).

2009-05-20T20:52:00.003+01:00

The mystery of the moniker revealed...

2009-05-18T19:33:00.014+01:00

Regulars to these pages will recall that for a while I cataloged a lot of my observed "co-incidences" as they happened to me in my everyday life. Then I went through a quiet patch, got bored blogging and gave up. On reflection however, and in light of recent co-incidences, I think I have decided that I have a duty to record them and make them available should anyone wish to gather data and conduct the sort of study and investigation that Arthur Koestler may have done regarding synchronicity. So, with plenty enough ado:

1. Coming home on the bus tonight I listed to Simon Mayo standing in for Chris Evans. He played a country and western cover version of Green Day's - Time Of Your Life. From the beginning intro I thought it sounded like The Proclaimers. Imagine my surprise (you'll have to imagine it as I didn't film myself) when, after the news and traffic reports he played....The Proclaimers new single.

Not a major co-incidence I suppose, so don't start tutting at me. It's a warm up. So, I would suggest the possibility that the beginning of the Green Day cover version did sound like The Proclaimers and that maybe that was what inspired the playlist order. Easily explained, if it needed explaining at all you might say. Without such a logical consideration though you can easily see how these co-incidences could be interpreted differently. Like, say, as a message from God (to go out and buy the new Proclaimers single maybe). OK, so, a light-weight, everyday, low-level one to ease you in. Now, how about this one:

2. Yesterday I took Toby out to do some boring food shopping. He asked when we were out if we could go to the big pet store, Pets@Home. I said yes, on a whim. We turned up and began by peering into the many mini-aquariums displaying the little fishies for sale. I entertained the little tyke with tales of how they got the fish to go different colours by pouring various types of liquid into each tank. Ink for the blue fish, Tango for the orange etc etc. I noticed that most of the colourful and interesting little fishes were all cichlids, which I recalled from a TV documentary on the Nile Perch, to all originate from Lake Victoria in Africa. We left shortly afterwards as we were making idiots of ourselves laughing at this...

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"London's burning, London's burning, fetch the engine, fetch the engine. Fire, fire. Fire, fire. Pour on water, pour on...?...ahhh, sorry, going to have to stop you there. Two things. Firstly, with these claws, it's an absolute bitch getting the hose rings screwed onto the hydrants properly. And secondly, we have kind of a debilitating aversion to water. So this isn't really going to work out for us all to be honest. We were thinking maybe the dogs could step in? You know they love water and they love to fetch, "Fetch the engine boy, go on, fetch the engine". Is that OK? Good. OK, we're off for a little nap now - it's toasty here isn't it? Sorry we couldn't really help out. I've left you a headless mouse in your porch by way of apology. I know you'll like it. Bye"

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Later that evening I made the decision to work through my backlog of books and arbitrarily chose the first in the pile to start reading - Jared Diamond's The Third Chimpanzee. On page 27 this lunchtime I read about the differences between related species of the cichlids of Lake Victoria. Spook.

Now, some "co-incidences" I judge to actually be sub-conscious decisions which are made and which actually lead you inexorably to a "co-incidence situation". In this case it could have been that me remembering about the origins of the fish sparked me thinking, sub-consciously, about the animal world, species and genus etc, which I have a passing interest in as a result of much reading about evolution. It may even have been the case that I'd flicked through The Third Chimpanzee some time ago, glanced at and stored the cichlid reference, and it was this that prompted me to not only choose to start reading a book, but to start reading that specific book. It wasn't though. I've not even opened that book since I got it at Xmas, and the only reason I chose it, like I said if you were paying attention, was that it was first in the pile. The other remarkable thing of note I suppose is how uncommon the word cichlid is and the sequence of events that a. led me to the aquarium and b. to encounter a word that I can consciously recall hearing\reading just 3 times in the past 3 or 4 years. Two of those occasions being within the past 24 hours.

Even that second point I'll admit doesn't sound that impressive really. Most co-incidences that you have yourself are probably just ignored. Or, to be more fair, are filtered out by you as being unimportant. Humans though as you may know are pattern seeking animals and it is this innate ability to note patterns, cause and effect, consequences and results etc that make us the dominant species on the planet. Sometimes this ability can go a bit haywire, like with me seeing faces in everyday objects and saying, "ooh, that's a co-incidence" when a song I've been singing suddenly comes on the radio. But at least I have the good sense not to attribute it to anything holy, divine or supernatural.

2009-05-13T22:16:00.004+01:00

Aiee, no time for bloggee! Apologies for the lack of updates lone reader, but I usually try to cram some keyboard bashing in at lunchtime during work hours. I've started a much busier role at work however so I'm finding that I don't actually have the spare time that I used to have. What this really means of course is that I'm not willing to spend my own personal time updating the blog. I don't value you enough (lone reader) to spend my time typing out rubbish for you to ignore. This is very rude of me to say of course but it does provide a perfect, real world example for you to use when arguing at a dinner party against the notion of 'honesty being the best policy'. Whilst on the subject of honesty, I can honestly say that Level 42's - Heaven In My Hands is one of my top ten favourite songs of all time, and I'm not ashamed to let it be known (to the approximate 3 people who read this blog).

Wolverine - I haven't seen it, probably won't at the cinema, but I'm sure I'll rent the DVD. No comments on the film per se then, but oh my god, could Hugh Jackman do with getting a little perspective on that whole "leak" thing. Someone leaked the movie, geeks downloaded it. Geeks that will probably go see it at the cinema, buy the film, action pose the figure, stand in front of the poster with a double comb-over and knitting needles cellotaped to the back of their hands going, "grrrrowl!" etc etc. Hugh commented on the leak saying, "it's a serious crime". He said that the "FBI are onto it and they're taking it very, very seriously".

Jesus, Professor Xavier, quick, can you use your psychic abilities to project some perspective into his adamantium skull? Terrorism and child pornography are very, very serious crimes, worthy of FBI interest.

Basically, my view is that the film and music industry have, through increased marketing, now cultivated such a hunger for their products that the lap-dog consumers they used to have at their beck and call (I'm thinking, 20 different movie\album release schedules for each targeted global market, "and each of you will wait your turn"), are not only biting the hand that feeds them, they are downloading the food and eating it without cutlery or a garnish. As has been said many times before, post-Napster for instance, don't be scared "big companies", embrace the new demands of your market and adapt to them. My 2 cents worth: pay the actors less; produce the film for less; make it available without all the razzle dazzle and waste on promotion. Skip ALL of that and you have a product which is agile: better value for money and delivered when the customer wants it.

Hugh Jackman gets $20 million a film. He's already earned enough to support him and his family very comfortably for the rest of his life. The person who leaked the film could potentially face a custodial sentence lasting a year or more. If you think this is just, you are an idiot.

Peace homies!!

2009-05-05T16:46:00.003+01:00

It's just, literally, occurred to me for no good reason that for some years now I have been selfishly harbouring the ultimate (ie most reliable) cure for the human hiccups. As you can well understand, there are certain things that must be in the public domain for the good of humanity and this I believe is one of them. So, without further ado (although I may have already used too much "ado") I will now divulge all.

If you are currently hiccupping or have performed one or more of the 'build-up' hiccups\backward burps that signal a bout of looping hiccups then you are experiencing, or are about to experience, what is simply an involuntary spasming of the diaphragm. This spasming, this 'body out of kilter with itself', is the single and only cause of hiccups. Drinking a glass a water, receiving a fright or holding your breath will not reliably cure your hiccups for the simple reason that hiccups are not caused by dehydration, a deficit of anxiety, or a surfeit of oxygen*. Hiccups are a purely physiological phenomenon and as such can be treated very practically, thus:

1. Inhale a lung-full of air (a proper, deep, lung-full) and hold it.
2. Simultaneously tense your stomach (abdominal) muscles and crunch your torso down onto your diaphragm. You may find it useful to hunch your shoulders forward and down slightly as you do so.
3. Continue to hold your breath, tense your abdomen and compress your diaphragm all at the same time for as long as you can - about 30 to 40 seconds should do it.

To use an analogy, what you are doing in effect is trying to hold with both hands the jumping frog that is your hiccupping diaphragm. Once you restrict the frog's movement and ability to jump, you will have brought the diaphragm back under the unconscious control of your body and brain and the hiccupping will cease.

Now, after this 30 to 40 second routine, as long as you don't pass out, pop an eye vein or tear a muscle somewhere, your hiccups should be gone. Simples.

Whilst writing this I had a quick scout on the net, and there are some seriously idiotic methods folks have suggested to cure hiccups, including "pressure on the eyeballs, traction on the tongue and inducing vomiting". I have actually had the bilious misfortune to vomit whilst hiccupping and it wasn't pleasant. More importantly it did not stop me from hiccupping. Pushing your eyeballs and pulling your tongue sounds equally unpleasant and I wouldn't bother with either of those suggestions. My method works because the solution relies on you controlling the rogue element in your body by your own means. Don't trust the interweb quacks: trust me, I'm a doctor.

*I realise that some of you may be trying to argue (I can't hear you by the way) that those classic remedies I listed (not the eye-gouging, tongue twisting, sick-up ones) all attempt, in a very vague way, to also address the spasming diaphragm. However, to use my amphibious analogy a second time, this would be like trying gingerly to contain a jumping frog using one hand and then leaping and yelping a lot when it touches your skin, allowing it to continue on it's jumping rampage. Actually, that might also be quite a good hiccup cure in itself. I'll get back to you on that one.

2009-05-01T11:48:00.008+01:00

Q. When will avian flu and swine flu combine into a more virulent strain?
A. When pigs can fly.

They're great aren't they, topical jokes? Seriously though, we had a bit of a scare with Toby this morning. He woke up claiming to feel really ill. We thought he was telling porkies, but then he came out in all these rashers. Luckily the doctor gave us some oinkment.

It really is no joking matter though (as those monumentally poor attempts at humour clearly illustrate). But I don't just mean the main flu situation, I mean the media coverage. Feverish is the word is it not? I mean come on, let's have some restraint; calmness; perspective; purlease. From the reams of printed matter and gigs of webspace already devoted to this latest "threat to the world" I have been able to discern that, at a personal level, there probably is something to be concerned about (and probably something to take action about) once it reaches your local community. Then you take the commonsense prevention measures that haven't really changed in the last 100 years or so, with the exception that you now also line the white-coat pockets (again) of Big Pharma by taking the Tamiflu\Relenza drug. But to be honest, as a fit and healthy 38 year old male citizen of the United Kingdom, with all that that affords me, I'm in a better position than the majority of the people in this world likely to be infected by flu, and I would prefer that the UK government gave my course of flu drugs to someone that needs it, i.e the third-world population that are destined to be most hit by this latest outbreak. When I say "hit" I am of course using it as a euphemism for decimated; man, woman and child (and pig).

If "we" want to do something about the pandemic, then let's get internationally co-operating and send drugs, not reporters, to the exposed and vulnerable countries NOW. At this rate there's a 100% certainty that I'll be sick of the press and TV hyper-panic long before I get sick from any kind of flu.

There was an excellent article from Deborah Orr in The Independent and also one from Ben Goldacre in The Guardian, which, although seem to be at odds with each other, sum up pretty much my views on this entire phenomenon. Nuff said.

I'll take this opportunity now to publicly coin my oft muttered idiom, "Nothing ever happens" so that we can then revisit this topic in a year's time to determine if anything really did happen. Which brings me, via Del Amitri (yes I know), to my latest Spotify playlist, "The Antidote to the Swine Flu Fever" by themightyflu.

Hot Chocolate – It Started With A Kiss
Them – Gloria [Explanation - it started supposedly in La Gloria, Mexico]
Pigbag – Papa’s Got A Brand New Bag
Tori Amos – Caught a Lite Sneeze
George Benson – Shiver
The Smiths – Panic
Public Enemy – Don’t Believe the Hype
The Coral – Pass It On
Electric Light Orchestra – All Over the World
Del Amitri – Nothing Ever Happens

The soundtrack to "parmageddon" (credit to Ben Goldacre)? You decide.

Enjoy, carriers.

2009-04-28T22:39:00.003+01:00

A little self-indulgent posting just for posterity.

I had a dream on Saturday night\Sunday morning that I was at the foot of a mountain by a lake. In the sky around me were huge white cranes with scarlet red wing feathers, wheeling around on the updrafts. I picked up my binoculars and tried to get a closer look at what they were doing. They were building nests, large flat discs made of mud, that floated on the lake. Around the edge of each nest the birds had planted a kind of cage of upright sticks and longstalked flowers, tulips and daffodils, which were being visited by iridescent green hummingbirds. In my dream it was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen and it made me cry. The rest of the dream descended into the usual pattern of me trying to do something (photograph the birds with my camera phone in this instance) and being massively, irritatingly, thwarted. Then I woke up.

I have a (probably not all that original) theory that the frustration theme in dreams, most commonly experienced as the "trying to run through glue" feeling, is the consequence of your body trying to move the parts of your body that have been deactivated by your brain as part of your sleep cycle. I had a good one once where I was trying to shout out in my dream and the frustration built up so much, stressing me out, that my heart sped up enough to partially wake me and enable me to spaz out, "Mwaaarrrdle!!". I sounded like I was brain damaged. And to a certain degree I had been.

Anyway, Sunday morning we set off to a carboot looking for junk (I actually picked up Wang Chung's Dance Hall Days on 12" for 50p - yessss) and as we pulled out of the drive, above me a huge white bird wheeled round and descended on the house opposite. It was a heron. No red feathers, but it was a big old bird alright.

Is it a sign, or is it just a coincidence....?

2009-04-25T19:41:00.006+01:00

**NEW web address alert**

We're now broadcasting from www.themightychew.com, so please update your internet girls and boys. Re-wire your Google-page and e-web downloads stat, because this Twit-feeder is going to be ripping up your Face-Space portal imminently. Web 4.0 coming your way in Y2K!

Right, onto the normal stuff...

You need Spotify in your life, if you don't have it already. Not just to play the (very slightly kitsch and embarrasing) playlist I just compiled of all the tracks that were No 1 on my birthday from 1971 to 2009, but also just because you need Spotify.

1. Times are hard. You need free stuff. Spotify is free music. What better combination could you wish for than free stuff that makes you forget the fact that times are hard? Exactly. Triple yay!
2. They have a lot of good stuff. Complete discographys of some labels. All the big names (bar Pink Floyd I've just discovered)
3. You can unplug your headphones so you don't have to listen to the (actually quite infrequent) adverts.
4. You can create playlists, which you either keep to yourself and load up even when you run Spotify on a different computer, OR, you can mail those playlists to other people.
5. If you liked my birthday playlist, give it a score here.

I read somewhere that Spotify is one of a slew of new web-apps that are set to herald a move away from 'ownership' towards true and proper on-demand access to shared media. Like I say, there are adverts unfortunately, so it's not all chocolate coated roses delivered by the naked model\actor of your choosing just yet, but it'll do until they arrive.

So, fancy a boogie? Here's "4 for the floor" from me. Why not post your own "4 for the floor" playlist URL in the Comments and we can all have a laugh, er, boogie.

"Pretty young things, repeat after me..."

2009-04-22T21:20:00.004+01:00

Did you guess Monday's quiz question correctly? I suppose you won't know until I tell you will you? Durrr....

It's the Spittelau Incinerator in Vienna, Austria. Designed by Friedensreich Hundertwasser.

Give yourself a carbon credit if you got it right.

2009-04-21T12:23:00.002+01:00

Forget about that other thing for now, this is better. Now I don't often see the point in blogging what someone else has just blogged, but (yeah, you know there was a but) this is worth 5mins 48secs of your life.

I have that very same Japanese record player that they use in the penultimate chain reaction :0)

2009-04-20T12:18:00.002+01:00

What's this then...? Answer tomorrow.

2009-04-19T19:05:00.003+01:00

We watched Monsters vs Aliens in 3D yesterday. I must say that I was slightly blown away by the 3D - verrrry cool. Also very cool for the movie companies that will now look to re-releasing at the cinema all their killer back catalogue. Basically, think of your favourite film (possibly 'Heat' for me) in 3D on a massive screen. I'd very easily part with £8.40 for that.

Anyway, in the adverts before the main feature was a short promo film from the Scottish Tourist Board showing a model couple (ie they both looked like models) swanning round Scotland having THE most amazing time. To be honest the Tourist Board could probably be done under the Trade Descriptions Act, because it made Scotland look amazing (I'm half-Scottish so I'm allowed to say that). To be fair it was mainly showing the West Coast, which actually looks like an overcast Caribbean (true); white sand beaches, clear blue sea and idyllic, secret coves devoid of any form of humanity, and more importantly, tourism. They finished this rose-coloured montage with the strapline/URL VisitScotland/perfectday.com. Now, it may just be me (Shoulder Devil says, "it usually is". Shut up Shoulder Devil!!) but when I put the words, Scotland and Perfect Day (the Lou Reed song about drug abuse) together, I come up with the scene in Trainspotting where the 'hero' Mark Renton, played by Ewan McGregor, overdoses on heroin in a derelict squat, is dragged into the rubbish strewn street by his pusher and left alone, at death's door, to wait for the ambulance.

Like I say, that might just be me, but I don't think that that's the image that the Scottish Tourist Board is looking to conjure. Unless of course they have a shed-load of 'brown' to shift...

2009-04-16T12:15:00.002+01:00

Whilst cycling in to work today I started noticing an increasing number of small empty bottles lying in the road and occasionally on the pavement. About one every 500m or so. In the space of the last kilometre as I reached work, I saw 3 bottles, which actually turned out to be miniatures (shot-sized bottles of booze). This struck me as unusual and started me thinking about some of the possible reasons why these would be strewn around like this on the road into the business park where I work. I pictured:

a Hunter S Thompson type character weaving his dusty old convertible down the highway, sporting aviator shades and a cowboy hat with a laughing blonde draped round his neck and leaving a trail of bottles and exhaust fumes behind him

or maybe an alcoholically depressed CEO, slouched in the leather seat of his Jaguar, downing a handful of miniatures before he gets to work, his manufacturing business on the brink of bankruptcy. The tiny bottles travel from lip to lap twice and are then dropped carelessly out of the driver's window onto the road

or... and then I didn't have to speculate anymore, as I discover the source of the trail. Asleep under a bush next to a half-eaten kebab was a garden gnome.

Rough night's sleep I bet he had.

More true stories next week listeners.

2009-04-14T20:13:00.001+01:00

Happy (belated) Easter from Jedi Master Mace Windu.

2009-04-11T09:04:00.001+01:00

PLEASE SIGN AND DISTRIBUTE THIS PETITION

http://www.avaaz.org/en/fix_british_protest_policing/?cl=214900900&v=3198

Thanks x

2009-04-09T16:41:00.002+01:00

I'm off to see David Byrne in Oxford tonight. Just boning up on him (sorry?!) on Wikipedia and I came across a quote of his, which I think everyone involved in and into music needs to digest:

"The "industry" had a nice 50-year ride, but it's time to move on. Luckily, music remains more or less unaffected — there is a lot of great music out there. A new model will emerge that includes rather than sues its own customers, that realizes that music is not a product in the sense of being a thing — it's closer to fashion, in that for music fans it tells them and their friends who they are, what they feel passionately about and to some extent what makes life fun and interesting. It's about a sense of community — a song ties a whole invisible disparate community together."

That concept of music being, in essence, comparable to fashion, is genius. That plus a properly good listen to 'My Life In The Bush Of Ghosts' has really got me looking forward to the gig :0)

2009-04-08T12:39:00.002+01:00

Sorry, do we live in North Korea now?

Massive sense of humour failure today and heartfelt sympathy for the family of Ian Tomlinson, murdered by the "friendly English bobby".

2009-04-07T14:51:00.003+01:00

A further addendum to my post of yesterday about distasteful terms, would be the use of the phrase, "frog in my throat". Whilst I admit that it is not in the same league as "that word" or diarrhea, it still conjurs up images that I don't need. Namely that of something green and slimy in someone's throat.

And that's exactly because, when someone tells you that they have a frog in their throat, they do indeed have a green and slimy object in their throat: a big glob of mucus. Well, great. Thanks for that mental picture. What do you have lined up for me next? A slug in your ear? An eel in your bowels?

So, a request for you all. Less of the imagery please and more drinking of water. Properly hydrate your body; be frog free.

More important than my bodily function\terminology hang-ups, I have to warn you of a possible Muslim fundamentalist "scam" (for want of a better word). I received the following e-mail earlier today from a humanist website:

"Hello, I Live in Quetta, Pakistan. I am male. I am 31 years old. I live in Quetta, Pakistan so I can’t publish my name. Whatever is happening in our Country? Everyone is very much aware from it. We are very sad and worried of this worst situation in our country. My heart is crying with blood tears.
I am a Secular and Modern Thought person. I born into in an orthodox Muslim religious family, but as I became mature and I started studies of secular and non believers writers my thoughts changed and now I believe that religion is creating lots of problems in our society.
I believe that religion must be separate from state affairs and equal opportunities must be provided to everyone without any discriminate of caste, colour, blood and religion.
I think our big problem is this, that our society is deeply involved in religion. Also they are not adopting new and modern approaches.
You cannot imagine that how much it is difficult to talk about Secularism and modern democratic ideas and thoughts in a society like we live in it. We paid a great price for talking about secularism in our Country. People boycott us, socially, economically and every type of relations they have cut from us. But to be honestly we will not stop for struggling of a Secular and modern democratic society in our country. Religion must be separate from state affairs. We believe that only and only secular and modern thoughts and approaches can bring peace, stability, prosperity and happiness in our country and in the world also.
We need help and guidance from people like you. You don’t know how much difficulties and problems we are facing in this fully religious type of country where we live. It is not only our duty to bring Secular and modern, democratic and human thoughts and ideas in Pakistan but it’s your duty also to help us and guide us in this noble mission.
I hope that I will hear soon from you with positive response."

Now, call me a skeptic (please do, I'd love it :0) but this sounds like a massive set-up. How about this for a theory - a fundamentalist (with the emphasis on 'mentalist') Muslim organisation in Pakistan decides to send out e-mails to humanist, secular, liberal, human rights organisations in the UK. These e-mails purport to be from a likeminded comrade who is currently evolving their forward thinking secular philosophy whilst living, trapped and in fear for their life, in a dangerously oppressive theocratic state. The bleeding heart liberal types amongst us (me) respond to the new "pen-pal" and strike up correspondence. The "pen-pal" then passes my address to some UK based terror cell and I get a special "parcel with a bang" that either blinds me or takes all my fingers off. This gets reported in the national press and people think twice about meddling in the affairs of the extremist state.

I've already put myself off....

2009-04-06T12:36:00.004+01:00

We had some new people over for afternoon tea* yesterday. Not new as in, freshly cloned; new as in, new-ish acquaintances. Sarah made a big pot of tea, cucumber sandwiches with the crusts off and rhubard and custard cake - very English. During the tea-time chit-chat conversation which ended up on idiosyncracies, learning habits and general behaviour, one of the guests referred to themselves as "anal"…..[Me: "cough"]…..my hand, reaching for a mackerel sandwich, paused momentarily and my eyes dropped to the tablecloth. The conversation, thankfully, carried on without any noticeable recognition of my flinch.

A quick post then about "that word", and also a quick statement that in this post I will be avoiding all types of comical double-entendres and euphemisms involving "that word".

From what I can remember, "that word", entered the ring (fnarr - damn!) of popular parlance as an adjective about 7 or 8 years ago, possibly through one of the many US sit-coms whose characters use psychotherapy-type terms quite frequently. I'm thinking Seinfeld, or Friends, Larry Sanders\Garry Shandling etc etc. In that context of course "that word", as a contraction of "anally-retentive", generally means 'uptight' or 'obsessive', 'compulsive' etc. Prior to that, in England, it would have been used to describe something to do with bum-holes. Anyway, to me it's just a word that you don't bring up at the table. Like 'rape'.

Maybe my aversion to it is a bit "that word" too. Maybe if I start thinking about how uptight I get about "that word" I'll get stuck in some feedback loop and explode? Anally-expulsive? Horrible, but we're not away from that whole topic yet, so to speak.

The other term I don't like is "verbal diarrhea". Ugh. It conjures up images of mouths dribbling with runny poop (sorry, I had to be graphic to effectively convey my revulsion). So please, can I ask you all to start saying "logorrhea" instead?

Toby has logorrhea. Acute logorrhea. Coupled with his debating skills, already quite masterful at just 6 years of age, we're quite certain he's going to become a politician. Or a taxi driver. Actually, he wants to be a tramp (true) as, "they just sit on the pavement and people give them money". Added to that, they have dogs (bonus), don't have to wash (double bonus) and can go where they like (probably not very accurate) and eat what they like (hmm, more what they can find really). I can just picture him at the JobCentre now in his filthy oversized suit, rolled up sleeping bag under his arm and hob-nail boots with the soles flapping off. That's my boy.

Just to round up then. Whilst filling in an application form for car insurance last night (see Toby, look at all the fun you'll miss out on if you become a tramp!), I noticed that one of the occupations you could choose for yourself was (no, not tramp), jazz composer. Imagine that, jazz composers everywhere must be thinking, "at last, recognition!". What made me marvel was that the insurance companies must actually have some kind of risk analysis/probability ratio/matrix thingy set up that grades people's likelihood to make an insurance claim at a level so granular as to make a distinction between say, classical composer and jazz composer. Amazing. And now that I think about it, with jazz's sometimes free-styling tendencies and random improvisations, maybe a jazz composer is pre-disposed to make bad driving decisions, be more prone to accidents and therefore liable to pay higher premiums. If that's the case then maybe they're not the type of character you could trust to drive your kids to school or take you down the M40 in the pouring rain. Our anal friend is a jazz composer. I don't think we'll be seeing them again Sarah. Goodnight listeners.

*Tea is tea, as in 'pot of tea at four o'clock'. Some of you might use tea and dinner as synonyms. You would be wrong I'm afraid. You go 'out for dinner', you have supper as your evening meal. Tea, dinner, supper - got it? Good.