Jake's Comedy Corner

2009-12-18T13:07:00.000-08:00

Health Reform Deals
In return for their votes for health reform, several Democrat Senators are getting taxpayer funding for their states. Ben Nelson is getting free Medicaid for Nebraska, Mary Landrieu is getting construction projects for Louisiana, and everyone else is getting Tiger Woods' little black book.

Tanning Tax
The latest version of the Democrats' health reform bill calls for major taxes on indoor tanning customers. Congress is also planning on taxing people who pay for outdoor tanning until they figure out it's free.

Shopping Freeze
The heavy snow in the Northeast this weekend hurt holiday sales at the malls during the final days before Christmas. But for shoppers who like to beat each other up in stores, they were still plenty of altercations over snowblowers and spreading salt in hardware stores everywhere.

Macy's Evacuation
Macy's New York flagship store was evacuated yesterday after a small fire started under an escalator. Firefighters were hindered in their efforts as they were mercessily sprayed with perfume and cologne by dozens of Macy's salespeople as they rushed into the store.

No Climate Deal
After two weeks of talk and lots of hype, the UN Climate Conference in Copenhagen failed to produce a binding agreement... which is ironic, because most of the UN delegates at the conference are into bondage.

December 21st

1937: Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, the first full-length animated film ever, premieres at the Carthay Circle Theater. The porn version playing next door draws a bigger audience.

1969: The Gay Activists Alliance, also known as the Mets, is formed in New York City.

1995: The city of Bethlehem passes from Israeli to Palestinian control. Mysteriously, all the Christians there start to disappear.

2009-12-18T12:43:00.000-08:00

December 20th

69: Vespasian, formerly a general under Nero, enters Rome to claim the title of emperor. He gets the title because the other guy forgot his claim ticket.

1860: South Carolina becomes the first state to secede from the United States. No word yet on when it plans to rejoin.

2007: The painting "Portrait of Suzanne Bloch," by Pablo Picasso, is stolen from the São Paulo Museum of Art along with the souvenier jumbo pencil from the gift shop that was almost as valuable.

2009-12-18T12:38:00.000-08:00

December 19th

1967: Prime Minister of Australia Harold Holt is officially presumed dead, leaving the Bee Gees officially in charge.

1972: The last manned lunar flight, Apollo 17, returns to Earth... and all we got was a lousy NASA t-shirt.

1995: The U.S. government restores federal recognition to the Nottawaseppi Huron Indian tribe. In return, we got three comped meals and $50 in chips at Mohegan Sun Casino.

2009-12-17T12:56:00.000-08:00

Copenhagen Quickie
President Obama is now in Copenhagen where he says there is no time to waste on climate change deal... mostly because climate scientists are running out of data to falsify.

Emission Evasion
China is demanding billions of dollars of American money to go green, but refuses to submit to any carbon emissions verification program. But the only group that can get away with taking that much taxpayer money with nothing to show for it is the U.S. Congress.

Nazi Sign Swiped
An infamous Nazi sign has been stolen from the gates of the Auschwitz death camp. Police expect it will be most likely turn up in a few days at a DMV office in the U.S.

Fake Stuff
As holiday shopping hits a climax, police across the country are reporting a surge in counterfeit goods. They include TV's, cell phones, and health care reform.

Orphanage Endorsement
A new Duke University study asserts that children who grow up in orphanages do just as well as kids who live with families. It's clear if that conclusion is based on real data, or just because the Duke Drama Club recently put on an excellent production of Annie.

218 BC: In the Second Punic War, Hannibal's Carthaginian forces defeat the Roman Republic. This is not to be confused with the Second Pubic War, which was clearly fought over the filthy urinal on the 12th floor of my building.

1271: Kublai Khan renames his empire "Yuan," officially marking the start of the Yuan Dynasty of Mongolia and China and forcing dozens of restaurants on the Upper West Side to change the titles on their menus.

1898: Gaston de Chasseloup-Laubat sets the new land speed record going 39.245 mph. 111 years later, New York City buses have still not even come close to matching this record.

1912: The Piltdown Man, later discovered to be a hoax, is "found" in the Piltdown Gravel Pit, by Charles Dawson and a bunch of global warming scientists from Britian.

2009-12-16T12:26:00.000-08:00

New B of A Chief
Bank of America has tapped insider Brian Moynihan as its new CEO. Moynihan barely beat out the bank's next most trusted employee, which was the ATM at the branch in Fairlawn, New Jersey.

Moynihan's main job will be settling Bank of America's finances, which mostly involves torching most of the branches in an elaborate insurance scam.

Henry Accident
Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver Chris Henry has suffered "life-threatening injuries" after falling out of a pickup truck during a fight with his fiancee. Thousands of people who have Henry on their fantasy teams are holding a virtual candlelight vigil at their laptops.

Henry Accident II
Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver Chris Henry has suffered "life-threatening injuries" after falling out of a pickup truck during a fight with his fiancee. Henry's biggest mistake was taking relationship and driving lessons from Tiger Woods.

Coburn Delay
Republican Senator Tom Coburn has delayed the health care debate by insisting that a 767-page mega-amendment be read out loud in its entirety. This could stall the vote for weeks as they try to find someone in the Senate who knows how to read.

Greek Debt
Greece's debt crisis is getting worse. Last night I ordered a Gyro at a diner in Manhattan and all I got was an I.O.U.

Voting on Ben
A Senate committee is set to vote today on whether to give Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke another term in office. Senators can make their choices by voice vote or by texting "We're screwed!" to 12,000,000,000,000-DEBT.

December 17th

1531: Pope Clement VII establishes a parallel Inquisition in Lisbon, Portugal. The franchise features the wildly popular "Unhappy Meal."

1538: Pope Paul III excommunicates Henry VIII of England. That's what happens when you swipe the Pope's turkey leg.

1969: Project Blue Book: The United States Air Force closes its study of UFOs, and concludes it was all the result of a bad acid trip.

2009-12-15T12:52:00.000-08:00

Time Person of the Year
Time Magazine has named Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke as its Person of the Year. It's either a bold statement about his handling of the economy, or the magazine's pathetic attempt to get a bailout.

Spend, Spend, Spend
While the Senate struggles with the health care bill the House is expected to debate and vote on a short-term spending bill for the Pentagon, the permanent spending bill for the Pentagon, a jobs package, and the "pave the streets with gold during a recession proposition."

Climate Change Prostitution
Activists at the Copenhagen Climate Conference are now blaming global warming for a rise in international prostitution. Gee, I thought having sex was something you did to GET warm.

Christmas Art Scandal
An 8-year-old Massachusetts boy was sent home from school and ordered to undergo a psychological evaluation after he drew a stick figure of Jesus on the cross. Meanwhile, his classmate who drew a picture of Satan has been given a leadership role in the teachers union.

Male Prostitution
A Nevada brother owner is looking to hire male prostitutes. But having men work as whores would challenge the 220-year monopoly on that profession held by the U.S. Congress.

December 16th

1431: Henry VI of England is crowned King of France at Notre Dame in Paris. Westminster Abbey wasn't available due to the Freidbaum Bar Mitzvah.

1773: The Boston Tea Party. Americans disguised as Indians dump crates of tea into Boston harbor as a protest against the Tea Act. The British news media writes the protesters off as a bunch of white racists.

1971: Bangladesh War of Independence comes to an abrubt end as most of the Pakistani army is called back to cab stands all across Manhattan.

2009-12-14T12:49:00.000-08:00

Gitmo Thugs to Illinois
An Illinois prison is set to get some of the Guantanamo detainees. Citizens are outraged since it's one thing to put these terrorists on American soil, but to let them live together with most of Illinois former governors and legislators is downright crazy.

Obama at HD
President Obama is set to appear at a Home Depot in suburban Washington, D.C. later today. He is the president, so he has a 50/50 shot of actually finding someone who works there to help him.

Kelly Drops Out
Robert Kelly has decided not to take the CEO job at Bank of America. Kelly didn't like the salary offer, the spectre of government intereference, and the fact that even as CEO, Bank of America still wouldn't clear his personal checks until 5 business days.

Dreamliner Flight
After months of delays, the Boeing 787 Dreamliner is scheduled to take its first flight today... which means the people taking the first flight are just six months away from getting their bags.

School Danger
The EPA has found high levels of a dangerous toxin at a school in eastern Ohio. That toxin is also known as "cafeteria tater tots."

December 15th

533: Byzantine general Belisarius defeats the Vandals... thanks to a new line of graffiti-resistant armor.

1891: James Naismith introduces the first version of basketball, with a peach basket, two teams of nine players, and a paternity suit lawyer for each side.

1973: John Paul Getty III, grandson of American billionaire J. Paul Getty, is found alive near Naples, Italy, after being kidnapped by an Italian gang on July 10, 1973. He was a bit shaken, but since it was an Italian gang, he had gained 15 pounds since being kidnapped.

2009-12-11T13:12:00.000-08:00

Fat Cat Meeting
A day after calling them "fat cats" on 60 Minutes, President Obama hosts a meeting with top bank CEO's at the White House today. Just to show there's no hard feelings, the menu at the conference will be salad, soup, and Fancy Feast.

Medicare Plan
Senate Democrats are hoping to pass health care reform by allowing Americans as young as 55 years old to enroll in Medicare. To pay for it, Americans as young as 10 years old will need to enlist in the army to fight off our Chinese creditors.

Citi Pay Back
Citigroup has just announced a deal to repay $20 billion of U.S. government aid. Actually, it only has to pay back $10 billion in return for allowing President Obama to keep bashing them every six weeks on 60 Minutes.

Berlusconi Hit
Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi is recovering in the hospital after a deranged man slugged him in the mouth. Berlusconi's injuries are considered to be serious since he's only sexually assaulted three nurses in the last hour.

Busy FedEx Day
Today is the busiest shipping day of the year for FedEx as millions of Americans ship gifts to their loved ones and most of Tiger Woods' sponsors are sending him cancellation notices.

December 14th

1903: The Wright Brothers make their first attempt to fly at Kitty Hawk, North Carolina... but they are foiled by an incredibly long line at airport security.

1939: The Soviet Union is expelled from the League of Nations for invading Finland... and never replacing the toilet paper in the League restroom.

1947: NASCAR is founded in Daytona Beach, Florida. The organizers immediately remove their shirts and get tattoos.

2009-12-11T13:05:00.000-08:00

December 13th

1294: Saint Celestine V resigns the papacy after only five months; setting a precedent for head football coaches at Notre Dame in the 2000's.

1769: Dartmouth College is founded by the Rev. Eleazar Wheelock, with a Royal Charter from King George III, and a naming rights deal from the local rum shop.

1981: General Wojciech Jaruzelski declares martial law in Poland to prevent dismantling of the communist system by Solidarity and MTV.

2006: The Baiji, or Chinese River Dolphin, is officially announced as extinct... proving that most dolphin dishes at Chinese restaurants are probably just chicken.

2009-12-11T12:57:00.000-08:00

December 12th

1098: During the First Crusade, Crusaders breach the walls of Ma'arrat al-Numan and massacre about 20,000 inhabitants. After finding themselves with insufficient food, they resort to cannibalism. This is why I never open the door for Christmas carolers.

1917: Father Edward J. Flanagan founds Boys Town as a farm village for wayward boys, and an awesome vacation spot for wayward priests.

1979: Rhodesia changes its name to Zimbabwe... then immediately regrets it when it realizes all the good stuff at the UN is handed out in alphabetical order.

2009-12-10T13:11:00.000-08:00

New App
iPhone sales are expected to surge this week now that's there's a new app that tells you how many yards you are from one of Tiger Woods' mistresses at any time.

Dollar Value Breakfasts
McDonald's is rolling out several new breakfast choices for $1. While this will help millions of Americans cope with the recession, it's also expected to blow up the cost of health care reform.

Times Square Shooting
An off-duty police officer shot and killed a peddler who was armed with a machine gun yesterday. The only more dangerous peddler in Times Square is the guy who sells the three-month-old hot dogs on 44th Street.

B. of A. CEO Search
Bank of New York Mellon Corp. head Robert Kelly has re-emerged as the leading candidate for the CEO job at at Bank of America. The board just has to make sure he wasn't having an affair with Tiger Woods before moving forward.

Goldman Sachs Bonuses
Goldman Sachs is not paying its top 30 executives a cash bonuses for 2009. Instead they will be allowed to continue to own every other valuable asset in America.

December 11th

1789: The University of North Carolina is chartered by the North Carolina General Assembly. Within an hour, the school's basketball team is ranked first in the AP Coaches Poll.

1936: Edward VIII abdicates as King of England, citing his desire to spend more time with other peoples' families.

1946: The United Nations International Children's Emergency Fund (UNICEF) is established. UN workers have been having sex with children ever since.

1962: The last legal execution is carried out in Canada. Illegal Canadian executions continue to take place on the ice during most Maple Leaf-Canadians games.

2009-12-09T13:06:00.000-08:00

Mortgage Mess
A new report shows only about 10,000 homeowners received permanent loan modifications this fall under the Obama administration's mortgage relief plan... and coincidentally, they were all employees at Bank of America.

Muslim Students Nabbed
The FBI is trying to find out if the five Muslim students from Washington, DC arrested in Pakistan were members of a terror cell. Well, they already know the Muslim dental student was looking to be a terrorist, it's the other four they're not sure about.

Government Insurance Salesmen
Senator Harry Reid wants to create a national insurance plan, administered by the federal government, that would offer insurance policies from private companies. Which is kind of like asking people to wait in line at the post office so they can pay for shipping from FedEx.

AOL Spinoff
Time Warner will spin off its AOL unit to shareholders today, otherwise known as "taking out the trash."

New Chevy Chief
James M. Campbell was named general manager of Chevrolet today, this is a demotion from his previous job coaching the Detroit Lions.

December 10th

1508: The League of Cambrai is formed by Pope Julius II, Louis XII of France, Maximilian I, and Ferdinand II of Aragon... one more guy and it would have been an awesome boy band.

1935: The Downtown Athletic Club Trophy, later renamed the Heisman Trophy, is awarded to halfback Jay Berwanger of the University of Chicago. Berwanger becomes the last Heisman winner able to actually spell "Heisman."

1948: The UN General Assembly adopts the Universal Declaration of Human Rights. Since it was created by the UN, the declaration ensures the perpetual right to double park in Manhattan and tie up city traffic with UN conferences at least twice per year.

2009-12-08T13:06:00.000-08:00

Snow Storms
Buffalo, NY may get up to three feet of snow today. Experts say the only more dangerous place in America right now is Tiger Woods' house

Michigan Stem Cells
The University of Michigan is now accepting human embryo donations for stem cell research. Scientists hope to use the embryos to somehow create an autoworker who can make a decent car.

Indian Deal
The Obama administration has agreed to pay $1.4 million to 300,000 Native Americans to settle a 122-year-old claim that the federal government swindled the Indians out of oil, mineral, and gas rights. This is not so much a concession to Native Americans as it is a stimulus plan for Anheuser Busch.

Taking the 5th
The Virginia couple who slipped through White House security and shook hands with President Obama is refusing to refusing to testify or talk to the media. On the bright side, now no one will find out where Mrs. Salahi bought that ridiculous wannabe sari.

Senate Health Deal
A group of Senate Democrats has made a deal to offer all Americans health insurance just like the plan used by federal employees. But unlike federal workers, Americans who enroll in this plan will still have to work.

1531: The Virgin of Guadalupe first appeared to Juan Diego at Tepeyac, Mexico City. Ironically, she was dressed kinda trashy.

1793: New York City's first daily newspaper is published, it includes shipping news, editorials about taxes, and a betting line that favors the Indians over the Western settlers by 13 1/2 points.

1875: The Massachusetts Rifle Association is founded. It's Massachusetts, so the club now threatens to shoot anyone who doesn't favor gun control.

1953: General Electric announces that all communist employees will be discharged from the company. They all later get jobs at MSNBC.

2009-12-07T13:05:00.000-08:00

Tiger House Incident
A woman described only as a "blonde" has been taken from Tiger Woods' home and rushed to the hospital this morning. I think it's safe to say the Avon lady might not want to show up at that house today.

Tiger's Troubles
Tiger Woods' troubles continue to mount as more women are coming forward to say they had affairs with the golfer. They include a porn star, another cocktail waitress... and potentially most damaging... a woman who has a Nike swoosh tattooed to her ass.

Chinese Students
More and more Chinese college students flocking to U.S. campuses. It's a great cultural exchange opportunity, as the Chinese kids learn about America and the American kids get to meet the people who will one day take their job.

Jersey Gay Marriage
The good news for gays and lesbians in New Jersey is that a state senate panel has approved same-sex marriage. The bad news is all the marriage arrangements will have to be made at the DMV.

Transit Shortfall
The New York City subway and bus system says it's revenues are going to fall $200 million short of projections. Riders say they would spend more on the transit system, but then there wouldn't be anything left for the muggers.

December 8th

1854: Pope Pius IX proclaims the dogma of Immaculate Conception, which holds that the Virgin Mary was born free of original sin... which was a real bummer for Mary's dad, who never got much action anyway.

1886: The American Federation of Labor is founded in Columbus, Ohio. The organizing vote takes 16 hours, because the members keep insisting on taking several 15 minute coffee breaks.

1991: The leaders of Russia, Belarus and Ukraine sign an agreement dissolving the Soviet Union and establishing the Commonwealth of Independent Scumbags.

1993: The North American Free Trade Agreement (NAFTA) is signed into law by President Bill Clinton. Clinton is now led to believe that he can get a discount on all his favorite Mexican hookers.

2009-12-04T13:36:00.000-08:00

Bimghampton Stabbing
A 46-year-old Muslim Ph.D. student at Binghampton University has been arrested for stabbing and killing a 77-year-old professor on campus. Police would blame terrorism, but this is actually pretty good behavior for a 46-year-old grad student.

Tehran Protests
Thousands of students at Tehran University are expected to be out demonstrating today. They're angry about the country's lack of freedom, nuclear ambitions, and the fact that their school did not get invited to a BCS bowl.

AIG Pay Gripes
Five AIG executives are now threatening to quit if the government limits their pay. Most taxpayers would be glad to get rid of them except that if they do leave the company, they plan to run for Congress.

Copenhagen Begins
The Copenhagen global warming conference has begun in Denmark. Unfortunately, organizers have already exceeded their carbon emissions limit trying to keep out those White House state dinner gate crashers.

TARP Windfall
The White House says it's found $200 billion in bank bailout money that it will now use for a jobs program... which is a nice way of saying that money is going into the campaign funds for every Senator who votes for health care reform.

Army Kids
A new report says the U.S. armed forces' deployments to Iraq and Afghanistan are taking a toll on the military’s children. It turns out those kids are having a hard time fitting in with their classmates because they're the only ones who can find those countries on a map.

December 7th

1787: Delaware becomes the first state to ratify the US Constitution. Delaware hasn't been first in anything since.

1941: The Imperial Japanese Navy attacks the U.S. Pacific Fleet at Pearl Harbor. This is the worst atrocity connected with Pearl Harbor until Ben Affleck.

2005: Rigoberto Alpizar, a passenger on American Airlines Flight 924 who allegedly claimed to have a bomb, is shot and killed by a team of U.S. federal air marshals at Miami International Airport. He still has a better flight than the people in coach who ordered the turkey sandwich.

2009-12-04T13:22:00.000-08:00

December 6th

1790: The U.S. Congress moves from New York City to Philadelphia, when the government realizes Philadelphia is more conducive to political scumbags.

1865: The 13th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution is ratified, banning slavery... the news has yet to reach the bosses at Denny's.

1933: U.S. federal judge John M. Woolsey rules that the James Joyce's novel Ulysses is not obscene... freeing up millions of high school students to just get the Cliff's Notes version without fear of missing any really good stuff.

1965: Pakistan's Islamic Ideology Advisory Committee recommends that Islamic Studies be made a compulsory subject for Muslim students from primary to graduate level. Non-Muslim students are still persecuted, but at least now they get a free period.

2009-12-04T13:13:00.000-08:00

December 5th

1848: In a message before Congress, President James K. Polk confirms that large amounts of gold had been discovered in California. This is the last time any statement coming out of Washington turned out to be true.

1932: German-born Swiss physicist Albert Einstein is granted an American visa. But some of his sterling reputation is tarnished when he uses the visa to break into his neighbors house and take a dump.

1933: Prohibition in the United States ends; everything since then has been kind of fuzzy.

2009-12-03T12:44:00.000-08:00

Cellphone Cancer Study
A new study shows there is no cancer link to using cellphones... it's just that everyone WISHES that the people who never stop talking on the their cellphones would get cancer.

Woods PR Plan
Tiger Woods may be planning to come clean about his personal life on the Oprah Winfrey Show. But if Tiger wants a really sympathetic audience, he should probably do it on David Letterman's show.

GM CEO Search
The General Motors board is looking for a CEO who can modernize the company. For example, the directors are adamant that the new chief install indoor plumbing at GM headquarters.

WWI Vet on the Hill
The 108-year-old last American veteran of World War I will appear at a Senate hearing today. It will probably be nice for him to finally speak to a group of people older than he is.

NATO in Afghanistan
NATO is pledging 7,000 troops for the war in Afghanistan... which is too bad, because for just 1,500 troops more NATO could have had the free mug and tote bag.

December 4th

1259: Kings Louis IX of France and Henry III of England agree to the Treaty of Paris, in which Henry renounces his claims to French territory in exchange for Louis withdrawing from Henry's wife.

1563: The Catholic Church's final session of the Council of Trent is held. Branding people as heretics just hasn't been as much fun since.

1783: At Fraunces Tavern in New York City, US General George Washington formally bids his officers farewell... and reminds them not to bother him while he tries to sleep with his slaves.

1982: The People's Republic of China adopts its current constitution, written on the purloined kidney of an executed political protester.

2009-12-02T13:05:00.000-08:00

Uchitel to Come Clean
Rachel Uchitel is expected to admit she did indeed have an affair with Tiger Woods at a news conference later today. She didn't want to go public until she got a better book deal than the Las Vegas cocktail waitresses Tiger was also banging.

B of A Payback
Bank of America has agreed to pay back $45 billion on federal bailout money. As a result, B of A is asking all it's ATM customers not to withdraw any more than $20 at a time for the next 16 months.

Jobs Summit Today
The White House is holding a special jobs summit this afternoon... but it may need to be canceled because most of the country has recently been hired by the news media to chase Tiger Woods.

Comcast-NBC Deal
Cable giant Comcast is set to buy a controlling interest in NBC for about $14 billion. As part of the deal, Comcast assumes liability for all of NBC's debt and the inevitable mercy killing of Jay Leno.

NFL Concussion Rule
A new rule will bar pro football players who show significant signs of head injuries from returning to games and practice. The NFL realizes that the only place for people with trouble thinking and standing up straight is in the stands.

December 3rd

1818: Illinois becomes the 21st U.S. state. The legislature immediately gives dead people the right to vote.

1976: An assassination attempt is made on Bob Marley. He is shot twice, but is generally too stoned to notice.

1990: At Detroit Metropolitan Airport, Northwest Airlines Flight 1482 collides with Northwest Airlines Flight 299 on the runway, killing 7 passengers and 1 crew member. The unlucky survivors end up having to actually spend more time in Detroit.

2009-12-02T09:55:00.000-08:00

BREAKING NEWS!!!

Tiger Woods has admitted to committing "transgressions" against his family... like the time he and his mistress went into his wife's bedroom and asked if they could play through.

2009-12-01T13:01:00.000-08:00

Out of the Woodswork
Several more women are now claiming to have had affairs with Tiger Woods. No one should be surprised since we all know that wherever he goes, Tiger likes to play 18 holes.

Carp Trap
The Army Corps of Engineers is building an electrical barrier to block the dangerous Asian carp from entering Lake Michigan. But fish and wildlife officials insist this is not an act of racial profiling.

Henderson Out
Just eight months after taking the reins at General Motors, CEO Fritz Henderson has been ousted by the board. Unfortunately for the taxpayers who own GM, Henderson did not come with the same money back guarantee as the cars.

Afghan Strategy
President Obama launched a new chapter in the Afghanistan war Tuesday, committing an additional 30,000 U.S. troops while setting a goal of troop withdrawal by 2011. This policy also ensures Obama's withdrawal from the White House by 2012.

Blacks and Banks
A new report shows that half of U.S. blacks don't have bank accounts and keep their money at home... which is still safer than putting cash in Citibank.

December 2nd

1930: President Herbert Hoover goes before Congress and asks for a $150 million to help generate jobs and stimulate the economy. Hoover finishes his request by saying, "Believe me, in 2009 $150 million will seem like a bargain!"

1954: The U.S. Senate votes 65 to 22 to condemn Joseph McCarthy for "conduct that tends to bring the Senate into dishonor and disrepute"... which is something that our current senators do on a daily basis.

1993: Colombian drug lord Pablo Escobar is shot and killed in Medellín. On the set of "Chaplin," actor Robert Downey Jr. asks for the crew for a moment of silence.

2009-11-30T13:10:00.000-08:00

Stimulus Jobs Drying Up
A new report shows that thousands of stimulus-created jobs are already wrapping up with no replacements in sight. Luckily, the thousands of imaginary jobs created by the stimulus are expected to last another 500 years.

Afghan Decision
Tonight, President Obama is expected to announce he'll send an additional 30,000 troops to Afghanistan and about 40,000 troops to protect Democrats in Congress who vote for health care reform.

New Focus
The Pentagon now says it is targeting its most serious inside threats... so the people responsible for the cafeteria food are in big trouble.

Swiss Minaret Ban
Muslim groups say the Swiss vote to ban future construction of Mosque minarets is racist and hateful. They say without the minarets, Swiss Muslims may not find the nearest Mosque where they can spend hours learning racism and hate.

Plane Recovered
An Atlanta World War II vet is reliving his role in history after his fighter plane was pulled from Lake Michigan. He was, after all, the only American pilot to bomb Lake Michigan.

December 1st

1969: The first draft lottery in the United States is held since World War II. Everyone who thinks it's a scratch off ticket lottery is immediately sent to the front lines.

1990: Channel Tunnel sections started from the United Kingdom and France meet 40 metres beneath the seabed. Not long after the first contact, it is determined that the French section gave the British section VD.

1998: Exxon announces a $73.7 billion deal to buy Mobil, thus creating Exxon-Mobil, and offering crazed environmental protesters one-stop shopping.

2006: Mexican President Felipe Calderon declares war on drug traffickers... a declaration somewhat watered down by the fact that he was smuggling heroin out of Tijuana at the time.

2009-11-27T08:32:00.000-08:00

Lost Data
Scientists at the University of East Anglia have admitted throwing away much of the raw temperature data on which their predictions of global warming are based... outraging millions of environmentalists demanding to know why they didn't recycle.

Gate Crashers Latest
The public is still up in arms over the phony couple that managed to sneak into the White House... but enough about Barack Obama and Joe Biden.

Tiger's Crash
According to a police report, Tiger Woods pulled out of his driveway about 2:25 a.m. Friday, struck a fire hydrant and then a tree. Then he took a two collision penalty and finished the round four crashes over par.

Woods is refusing to talk to police about the crash... not because he committed a crime, but because after his wife confronted him about his alleged affair, Tiger's voice is still a bit too high to talk to anyone right now.

The 911 call from Woods' neighbor has been released, but it only brings up more questions like: Why did Tiger speed away from him house? Why didn't police get their sooner? and Why is Woods living next door to Larry the Cable Guy?

Shame Game
Today the White House will name banks that have not modified enough mortgage loans in hopes of shaming them into helping more homeowners. Experts say this ploy will not work because the economy is getting worse, jobs are scarce, and the banks have no shame.

Booze Cruise
Celebrity Cruise lines is now offering unlimited beer, wine and whiskey on some cruises. This is being done in the hopes that more travelers will fall overboard and Celebrity will be able to double-book their cabins.

November 30th

1783: A 5.3 magnitude earthquake strikes New Jersey... New Jersey actually looks better after the quake.

1993: U.S. President Bill Clinton signs the Brady anti-handgun bill into law. What Mrs. Brady had to do to get Clinton's signature is not disclosed.

1999: Massive protests against corporations and globalism erupt just before the WTO meetings in Seattle, Washington. But the protesters lose a great deal of street cred when it's revealed they all took regular rioting breaks at Starbucks.

2009-11-27T08:24:00.000-08:00

November 29th

1877: Thomas Edison demonstrates his phonograph for the first time. Unfortunately, no one really gets his attempts to rap while scratching two turntables at once.

1947: The United Nations General Assembly votes to partition Palestine, offending hundreds of millions of Arabs who wanted the right to blow the whole country up.

1965: Canadian Space Agency launches the satellite Alouette 2. It crashes back to Earth as soon as it runs out of beer.

2009-11-26T17:26:00.000-08:00

November 28th

1811: Beethoven Piano Concerto No. 5 in E-flat major, Op. 73, was premiered at the Gewandhaus in Leipzig. Despite rave reviews and lucrative receipts, Beethoven stll refuses to purchase any hair products.

1895: Frank Duryea wins the first American automobile race, taking 10 hours to get from Chicago's Jackson Park to Evanston, Illinois... which is half the time it currently takes to get from Chicago to Evanston during rush hour.

1989: The Communist Party of Czechoslovakia announces it will give up its monopoly on political power... and move to the United States to take over the Bowl Championship Series selection process.