42 Inch Television

There is a Crime Happening

2008-07-25T12:18:00.008-04:00

Remember when movies were good?

The other day while I was rotting my brain at work, I read an article from "The Guardian" which boldly called Martin Scorsese's The King of Comedy, the "Last Great American Film." Apparently of all the movies released in the last thirty years, that was the exclamation point on the end of the 70s auteur period.

Naturally, my eyes bulged.

It's not that I don't *love* The King of Comedy. I do. It has to remain one of the best and most uncovered pop culture gems of the last twenty-five years: a vehicle for the most interesting and lively performance that Robert De Niro has ever given and a highly prescient satire of the YouTube age that makes everyone a star. But is it really the "Last Great American Film?" (SFX: 1930s Radio Serial stinger)

When I first read the piece, I found it to be esoteric and out-of-touch; one of those "I'm getting old and things aren't as good as they used to be" laments that critics throw out every once in a while to stir up their younger readers. For example, while praising the very praise worthy Scorsese film, the writer, Jonathan Jones, bashes the towering and bizarre There Will Be Blood, which has to rank by any metric as one of the best movies of the past decade. For shame, Mr. Jones!

I wrote it all off as sour grapes and didn't even bother to send it to my Scorsese obsessed friends who would have probably loved to see The King of Comedy getting any press what-so-ever.

But then something happened that made me realize everything Mr. Jones had written was right. I had my "Chazz Palmintieri at the end of The Usual Suspects" moment, where everything came together at once.

Darren Aronofsky to direct a remake of Robocop for MGM

You remember Darren Aronofsky, right? His was part of the late 90s/early 00s influx of directorial talent: Aronofsky, Spike Jonze, Steven Soderbergh, David O. Russell, Christopher Nolan, Paul Thomas Anderson, Sam Mendes. Guys who all made huge splashes and who seemingly had their own distinct voices. It was a glorious time.

With Requiem for a Dream, Aronofsky established himself as a visual dynamo, as well as someone capable of creating a film narrative that can shake you to the core. If there is a more bleak, depressing and heartbreaking movie than Requiem, I have yet to see it. And while The Fountain was a colossally confusing and utterly beautiful misfire about the nature of love and, presumably, time travel, at least he was ambitiously trying to do something different.

Sadly though, the career that Darren Aronofsky was headed towards is over. He will embarrass himself now with Robocop (and presumably a Robocop sequel), a movie that will play like a more violent Iron Man with lots of CGI and little else. (I wonder who will play the titular cop? I think early money has to be on Mark Wahlberg.)

While sitting there, lamenting the death of what was a once promising career, I realized that Aronofsky wasn't alone. With nary an exception, nearly all of the "next generation" of directorial stars have basically sold out or worse, stopped trying. They have devolved right before our eyes.

Right now, everyone, including yours truly, is orgasming over The Dark Knight, Christopher Nolan's latest. And with good reason. It's an amazing movie, flaws and all--too long, too short, at times confusingly messy, overly speechy and fairly stupid (Holy Crappy Sonar, Batman!) But the action set pieces, the car chases, the explosions, the gravitas, the 9/11 allusions and Heath Ledger make it the best movie of the Summer and, most likely, one of the very best of the entire year.

I loved The Dark Knight. But thinking it over, only one thing keeps going through my mind. Why is Christopher Nolan heading up a franchise? Shouldn't the guy who made Memento--a parlor trick movie that doesn't hold up as well as you remember but still displays immense talent--be doing something better with his time? Shouldn't he be blazing his own territory instead of aping shots from Michael Mann, William Friedkin and Brian De Palma all while making a comic book movie?

Nolan isn't alone. All of these young filmmakers just steal from their forefathers. PT Anderson, whom I love, is nothing more than a master impressionist. He's like the best contestant on American Idol. "Look, there's Terrence Malick! That's just like Robert Altman! Now he's doing Stanley Kubrick!" Hell, Anderson even out-Scorsese's Martin Scorsese nowadays. Granted, he does the impressions extremely well, with skill and care of craft, but you could make the argument that he's basically the Frank Caliendo of directors.

Why did this happen? How did all of these seemingly talented people have their individuality crushed underneath the weight of fame, fortune and Hollywood franchises? Part of me wants to blame society, but I know that's just a fools errand--the rants of a fledgling sociology major who never got out of the classroom.

No, the more I've given this thought, the more I realized who is to blame for this sheer waste of talent: Mr. Steven Spielberg.

Spielberg was the 70s auteur who showed that you could make popcorn movies with the touch of classic cinema. Jaws. Close Encounters. E.T. Indiana Jones. These were movies and films. All of these young directors grew up in the shadow of Spielberg and his mark can been seen in all their work. They think they can make something like Jaws. But what they don't realize is that you can't make a movie like Jaws nowadays. Studios will always make these directors go the extra mile, throw in the extra special effect, the extra gimmick. If Spielberg made Jaws today, the shark would have been CGI and you would have seen it in full within five minutes of the opening credits. Just look at what Spielberg did with Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. The last reel contained so much CGI, you could make the argument that it was animated.

Even in The Dark Knight, you can almost feel that (spoiler alert!) the crappy sonar/SWAT team/Clown hostage/Batman fight was added on late in the game based on a plea from someone at Warner Brothers. "This is too good! We need more stupid digital special effects! Enough awesome stunts and real-life explosions!"

So where does that leave us? Well on the one hand, we should be happy because our franchises are getting better than they have any right to be (see: Batman, Bourne, Ocean's, Spider-man.) But on the other hand, are we headed towards a world where we'll never see an original and thought-provoking movie again? Are we already living in that world? It seems like that writing is already on the wall, taunting us with new reports like Darren Aronofsky's planned Robocop reboot.

Basically, it sucks. And people who like good cinema are doomed.

Things aren't as good as they used to be.

I'm Not the Only Person Who Hates The Wire

2008-07-17T15:30:00.006-04:00

The Emmy Nominations! Yay!

To say I love this year's Emmy Nominations is a wild understatement. In fact, with a few exceptions, it's as if I was personally involved in the process. A record number of nominations for 30 Rock? A ridiculous sixteen nominations for the "Hansel" of television, Mad Men? Only one nomination for the final season of The Wire, AKA the "MOST IMPORTANT TELEVISION SHOW OF OUR TIME?!"

And they remembered Michael Emerson.

Swoon!

Onto the nominees.

Best Guest Actress, Comedy: Carrie Fisher, 30 Rock; Edie Falco, 30 Rock; Elaine Stritch, 30 Rock; Polly Bergan, Desperate Housewives; Kathryn Joosten, Desperate Housewives; Sarah Silverman, Monk

Best Guest Actor, Comedy: Will Arnett, 30 Rock; Shelley Berman, Curb Your Enthusiasm; Steve Buscemi, 30 Rock; Tim Conway, 30 Rock; Rip Torn, 30 Rock

What the Emmy nominations got right: I grouped these two categories together to illustrate how 30 Rock got its record number of nominations. 7 of the 17 came from these two categories. Apparently, in lieu of craft services, anybody who guest stars on 30 Rock gets an Emmy Nomination.

And what they didn't: Well, almost anybody. Thankfully, Jerry Seinfeld didn't get a nomination for single-handedly ruining the season premiere. But amazingly--irrationally actually--with all those nominations for 30 Rock guest stars, the Emmy's missed the best guest star performance on the entire show: Dean Winters . As Liz Lemon's ex-boyfriend, Winters' Dennis is the epitome of Queens, New York (take *that* cast of Entourage!) His mix of arrogance, Irishness, stupidity and crassness made every single scene he was in this past season infinitely better. I defy Rip Torn to give a better line reading than: "You think you're better than me, Jeter?!"

Prediction: It's an illusion, Michael! Will Arnett and Elaine Stritch.

Best Supporting Actress, Comedy: Kristen Chenowith, Pushing Daisies; Amy Poehler, Saturday Night Live; Jean Smart, Samantha Who?; Holland Taylor, Two and a Half Men; Vanessa Williams, Ugly Betty

What the Emmy nominations got right: Amy Poehler, Amy Poehler, Amy Poehler. No matter how unfunny SNL is on a weekly basis, Amy Poehler is hilarious. I didn't even realize SNL cast members could get Emmy nominations, but apparently they can. Looks like Chris Parnell was snubbed all those years. How excited is NBC right now? They can use the Emmy Awards as a platform to introduce mainstream America to their next cult sit-com star!

And what they didn't: I know it's a bit part, but Melora Hardin's portrayal of Jan on The Office is one of the flat-out funniest and bat-s%!t insane roles that I've ever seen. She's got to be better than Holland Taylor.

Prediction: Holland Taylor.

Best Supporting Actor, Comedy: Jon Cryer, Two and a Half Men; Kevin Dillon, Entourage; Neil Patrick Harris, How I Met Your Mother; Jeremy Piven, Entourage; Rainn Wilson, The Office

What the Emmy nominations got right: Everyone tells me I should watch How I Met Your Mother, and I never ever do. But a few weeks ago, I was on an American Airlines flight and out of sheer boredom I watched an episode. It was hilarious! How come you never told me to watch this show!??!!??!?! (Sheepishly) Oh, wait. Neil Patrick Harris has to win this. The second career he's morphed into should be a template for all child stars.

And what they didn't: Seventeen nominations for 30 Rock and we can't find room for Jack McBrayer? Really? Whereas Kevin Dillon, Jeremy Piven and Rainn Wilson are all skating along in the "Robert De Niro in Analyze That" phase of their careers, glumly parodying themselves for a paycheck, McBrayer is doing something new and fresh. He's so good that he's immediately become a cliche. I guess if 30 Rock lasts another couple of seasons and McBrayer starts phoning it in, he'll get a nomination.

Prediction: Harris.

Best Supporting Actress, Drama: Candice Bergin, Boston Legal; Rachel Griffiths, Brothers and Sisters; Sandra Oh, Grey's Anatomy; Dianne Weist, In Treatment; Chandra Wilson, Grey's Anatomy

What the Emmy nominations got right: I heart Chandra Wilson

And what they didn't: While some people will write that Elisabeth Moss got snubbed, I never thought she was such a strong part of Mad Men. However January Jones and her "Little Girl Lost" Betty Draper is a lot more subtle and introspective than you initially think. She could have easily replaced Sandra Oh, who basically got a nomination for playing a slag. And where's Katherine Heigl!? She was robbed!

Prediction: While I hope it's Chandra Wilson, because she'll surely give a great and tearful speech--complete with voice quivering!--I bet they give it to Candice Bergin ... for being old (SFX: RIM SHOT!)

Best Supporting Actor, Drama: Ted Danson, Damages; Michael Emerson, LOST; Zeljko Ivanek, Damages; William Shatner, Boston Legal; John Slattery, Mad Men

What the Emmy nominations got right: "Destiny is a fickle bitch."

And what they didn't: I know I'm a LOST cheerleader, but there wasn't any love for Henry Ian Cusick? The most emotional moments of LOST's impeccable fourth season occurred when he was on screen. And while I love John Slattery's nomination for Mad Men, I find it hard to believe that his castmate Vincent Kartheiser was left off the list in favor of Andre Drazen from Season One of 24.

Prediction: The only way Michael Emerson doesn't win this award is if William Shatner is nominated. Oh, crap.

Best Actress, Comedy: Christina Applegate, Samantha Who?; America Ferrara, Ugly Betty; Tina Fey, 30 Rock; Julia-Louise Dreyfus, The New Adventures of Old Christine; Mary-Louise Parker, Weeds

What the Emmy nominations got right: Granted, I'm biased because I want to marry Tina Fey, but she was the glue that held 30 Rock together this year. Plus she can eat a sandwich in one take, without any cuts, in about 20 seconds.

And what they didn't: Did the DVD copies of Desperate Housewives not get to the Emmy voters? How Marcia Cross didn't get a nomination is absurd to me. I guess she was too funny, biting, smart and brilliant to get any attention.

Prediction: Everyone loves Tina Fey.

Best Actor, Comedy: Alec Baldwin, 30 Rock; Steve Carell, The Office; Lee Pace, Pushing Daisies; Tony Shalhoub, Monk; Charlie Sheen, Two and a Half Men

What the Emmy nominations got right: I know it might seem logical that Steve Carell got a nomination for The Office, since he is one of the most beloved actors on television, but I still want to give the Emmy voters credit. In a season of The Office which was completely up and down in tone and quality, Steve Carell took everything the writers threw at him and put his all into it. Sure, he suffered with the rest of us when Michael drove into a lake, but watch the "Dinner Party" episode again and try to tell me that Carell isn't a master thespian.

And what they didn't: I'm just tired of seeing Tony Shaloub nominated for every award. Outside of my father, does anyone even watch Monk? I realize there aren't a lot of great lead male comedy roles for actors, but can't we find someone else?

Prediction: Alec Baldwin you are a rude, thoughtless little pig.

Best Actress, Drama: Glenn Close, Damages; Sally Field, Brothers and Sisters; Mariska Hargitay, Law & Order: Special Victims Unit; Holly Hunter, Saving Grace; Kyra Sedgwick, The Closer

What the Emmy nominations got right: In case you were wondering where middle aged actresses go to die, look no further than television. This looks like a category my mother would love. With the exception of Damages, everything here is a "Mom show."

And what they didn't: I literally cannot think of one other actress deserving of a nomination. If there is a sadder commentary on the state of dramatic roles for women in Hollywood, I haven't seen one.

Prediction: Glenn Close

Best Actor, Drama: Gabriel Byrne, In Treatment; Bryan Cranston, Breaking Bad; Michael C. Hall, Dexter; Jon Hamm, Mad Men; Hugh Laurie, House; James Spader, Boston Legal

What the Emmy nominations got right: My friend Tony tells me that Michael C. Hall is the best thing on earth in Dexter, so I'm going to assume he's really great even though I don't watch the show regularly. And while I doubt Jon Hamm will win, it's a joy to see him nominated. He's so flawless and effortless--an Everyman barely clutching onto the side of his life--that I would not have been surprised to see him get snubbed. In a category with blustery scenery chewers like James Spader and Hugh Laurie, it's nice to see a quiet role get nominated.

And what they didn't: How much more maniacal, obsessive and creepy does Matthew Fox have to get before he gets any credit? He's the best lead actor on television that no one seems to want to recognize. Maybe it's because he's an asshole.

Prediction: James Spader beat James Gandolfini for this award last year, in the final year of The Sopranos. You think he isn't going to defeat Jon Hamm?

Best Comedy Series: Curb Your Enthusiasm; Entourage; The Office; 30 Rock; Two and a Half Men

What the Emmy nominations got right: The only comedy here truly deserving of a nomination is 30 Rock. Everything else was either awful (Curb) or wildly and inconsistently mediocre (Entourage and The Office.) I'm just going to ignore that Two and a Half Men even got nominated.

And what they didn't: This is will sound crazy, but I defy someone to tell me that Curb Your Enthusiasm, Entourage and Two and a Half Men were funnier than Gossip Girl. "I'm Chuck Bass" was better than any punchline that those three shows had cumulatively this past year.

Prediction: Duh. 30 Rock.

Best Drama Series: Boston Legal; Damages; Dexter; House; L O S T; Mad Men

What the Emmy nominations got right: I loved Mad Men, but there was nothing better on television this past year than LOST. So that nomination is well deserved. And while I'll readily admit that I'm not a fan of The Wire (and that I didn't even watch the first four seasons), one thing is certain: The Wire's fifth and final season sucked. I'm glad the Emmy voters didn't succumb to peer pressure and nominate it to make up for its past snubs.

And what they didn't: What is with this fetish for Boston Legal?

Prediction: Mad Men. You don't get a cover story in the "Sunday Times Magazine" and lose the Emmy Award to House. I just made that rule up, but it sounds good, no?

New York, New York

2008-07-16T01:50:00.005-04:00

The last All-Star Game at Yankee Stadium? Time for a running diary!

Yes, this is a Bill Simmons rip-off, but since he doesn't really write anything anymore that isn't related to the Red Sox or Celtics, I figured I could take over for one night. Who knew that "one night" would turn into six hours. Onto the diary! Let's go National League!

8:00: Fox starts their coverage mid-stream, like an old person telling a story. I'm barely done with the dishes people!

8:01: Speaking of old people, Hall of Famer Ernie Banks gives a "pep talk" to the National League All-Stars that sounds about as exciting as the reading of a will.

8:02: Douchebag extraordinarie Joe Buck is announcing the Pre-Game festivities, and he burns through the National League reserves. Who let Carlos Marmol in the building?

8:04: Back in the clubhouse, George Brett talks to the American League All-Stars and tells them, "don't try to be a hero." Nothing gets a person more excited than asking them to do less with themselves.

8:06: Major League Baseball destroys the whole notion of alphabetizing the All-Star reserves by putting Mariano Rivera last so he can get the biggest and longest ovation from the Yankee Stadium faithful. It's going to be that kind of night, isn't it?

8:15: With Hall of Famers all over the field at their respective positions, I can only think of one thing: how much does Eddie Murray look like Yaphet Kotto, circa Midnight Run?

8:17: Wade Boggs is announced, and though he was inducted into the Hall of Fame wearing a Boston Red Sox hat, now he's wearing a Yankees hat. Somewhere, Johnny Damon smiles.

8:19: Shunning the conventional handshake, Alex Rodriguez decides to hug every Hall of Fame third baseman. He's slowly turning into the new Ruppert Everett.

8:21: Next time, maybe Willie Mays can take the lemon out of his mouth before he goes on national television. Oh, he's always that awful and bitter looking? Okay.

8:22: Heh, heh. "Fukudome."

8:23: Reggie Jackson looks very disappointed to learn that Ryan Braun is half-Jewish. (Just the good half.)

8:31: There is a stealth bomber flying across my television right now, as Sheryl Crow sings the National Anthem. Is this a Fox tie-in for the new season of 24?

8:32: THEY ARE LITERALLY WHEELING GEORGE STEINBRENNER ONTO THE FIELD!!! This is ludicrous. George hasn't been seen in public in years, spending the last days of his life in a Charles Foster Kane-like exile. In Xanadu did Kubla Kane a stately pleasure dome decree.

8:41: How has this game not started yet?

8:46: Your American League All-Star Starter: Cliff Lee! (SFX: crickets)

8:48: Marlins shortstop Hanley Ramirez strikes out on a change-up down the middle, or as Fox analyst Tim McCarver calls it, "a cut fastball in on the hands." Err.

8:51: As Lance Berkman flies out to center to end a 1-2-3 dominating inning by Cliff Lee, I'm reminded that the Senior Circuit hasn't won an All-Star game since 1996. For reference, in the Summer of 1996, I wasn't even in college yet. Sigh.

8:54: Joe Buck tells us that Derek Jeter has done "nothing but win" since coming to the Yankees. Apparently, the last six years (and counting) don't count.

8:58: A-Rod comes to the plate accompanied by Mims' hit, "This is Why I'm Hot." I guess he'll use "Borderline" in his next at-bat. In a shocking turn of events, A-Rod fouls out with Jeter in scoring position to end the inning. That never happens.

9:06: Cliff Lee must have intercepted Paul Byrd's HGH delivery. That's the only reason to explain his first half and his 2-inning performance at the All-Star Game. We're scoreless heading into the bottom of the 2nd.

9:23: Yogi Berra joins Joe Buck and Tim McCarver in the booth. The Aflac Duck is nowhere to be found. Poor Yogi, he can't remember Mariano Rivera's name. On the plus side, neither can Tim McCarver.

9:33: Here's a sneaky little secret that not many people know: Derek Jeter isn't good anymore. El Captain grounds into a double play following an Ichiro basehit.

9:34: Joe Buck recounts Josh Hamilton's story. Which is a real tearjerker. Who would have thought that a former crack addict would be the guy to bring baseball back from the brink of a drug scandal.

9:40: Roy Halladay gets the National League 1-2-3 thanks to Albert Pujols trying to stretch a single into a double and getting gunned down at 2nd. Joe Buck thinks this game is flying by. "It feels like we started this five minutes ago!" Maybe his watch stopped.

9:44: I hear you call my name and it feels like home: A-Rod strikes out.

9:54: Ervin Santana comes in for the American League and gets greeted by a Matt Holiday laser into the seats in rightfield. 1-0, good guys!

9:56: A-Rod gets taken out of the game in the middle of an inning so the Yankee Stadium crowd can "cheer" him. And by "cheer," I mean "treat him to mild applause."

9:57: "Fukudome down swinging." Heh.

10:02: While the American League tries to get something going against Diamondbacks starter Dan Haren, I want to bring up Weeds. Are you still watching this show? Because it's not just terrible anymore. It's completely and utterly off-the-grid and borderline unwatchable. Last night was the first time in two weeks that I didn't fall asleep during it. Seriously. It's so awful that even Mary-Louise Parker's hotness and Justin Kirk's awesomeness can't make it tolerable.

10:06: While I ranted about Weeds, Dan Haren got himself in a jam. Two men on, 1 out. He struck out Ichiro for the 2nd, bringing up Derek Jeter. I've got a nickel that he ties the game here with a single to right. I know he's not as good anymore, but in a big spot, he always comes through.

10:10: Jeter grounds out to Haren to end the inning. Forget what I just said.

10:12: "Mrs. Ripken Junior?"

10:18: Terry Francona decides to give the game away by bringing in Justin Duchchchchchchchchcer from the Oakland A's. He promptly gives up back to back singles to Hanley and Utley followed by a Berkman sac fly to make the score 2-0.

10:19: Derek Jeter gets a standing ovation as he's pulled from the game in the middle of the inning. A white shoes wearing A-Rod can be heard screaming: "You think you're better than me, Jeter?!"

10:24: Duchchchchchchchchchcher gives up another hit, but gets out of the inning without further damage. 2-0, good guys!

10:38: While walking back to the dugout following a strikeout, Ryan Braun dodges a bagel thrown at him by Reggie Jackson.

10:41: Josh Groban gets some boos as he goes to sing "God Bless America." I can just hear a stupid Yankee fan yelling, "Opera?! Not in our house!!!!"

10:42: Actually, this sucks.

10:44: Our first Dark Knight commercial of the night. Excuse me while I go into a coma of awesomeness.

10:54: I come out of my coma in time to see Edinson Volquez blow the lead by giving up a HR to J.D. Drew. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Hey Volquez, go Fukudome yourself! We're tied a 2.

11:02: Miguel Tejada, who lead off the inning with a bloop single, steals second and goes to third on an errant throw into centerfield. Joe Buck says he's been rejuvenated which I can only assume is code for "got a new shipment of HGH."

11:03: Adrian Gonzalez hits a sac fly to give the good guys the lead, 3-2!

11:05: David Wright does his Carlos Beltran impression, striking out looking to end the inning. Despite the fact that the run scored because of an error, Jon Papelbon gets booed off the field like he's Alex Rodriguez circa 2006.

11:08: You're Clint Hurdle and you just took the lead in the All-Star Game. Who do you bring in? Brian Wilson and his 4.58 ERA, of course!

11:11: Joe Buck keeps saying that Terry Francona has emptied his bench, apparently forgetting that Evan Longoria is on the roster and sitting in the dugout. Whoops. Don't bother correcting that guys, it's okay.

11:13: Hurdle somehow gets two outs from Brian Wilson and then pulls him to bring in Billy Wagner. In the middle of an inning. Bad Idea Jeans alert!

11:16: After Wagner predictably gives up a basehit to Grady Sizemore, one of Fox's terrible producers reminds Joe Buck that Longoria is still available as he strolls to the plate to get an at-bat. Wagner is just itching to blow this save.

11:19: Longoria hits a ground rule double to tie the game. Millions of Mets fans knowingly nod their heads at the television. 3-3 heading into the 9th.

11:24: Terry Francona, in a battle to prove he's a worse manager than Clint Hurdle, decides to bring in Francisco Rodriguez over Mariano Rivera. As if on cue, K-Rod walks Aramis Ramirez to lead off the inning.

11:27: Francona wakes up with one out in the inning and brings in Mariano Rivera to the strains of "Enter Sandman." The crowd goes wild. A white shoes wearing A-Rod can be heard screaming: "You think you're better than me, Mariano?!!"

11:30: The crowd is now chanting, "Let's Go Yan-kees!" I hate this stadium. I can't wait to see it blown up.

11:32: Sure to be first ballot Hall of Famer Mariano Rivera strikes out All-Star Ryan Ludwick as All-Star Cristian Guzman is thrown out stealing 2nd for a double play, leaving All-Star Nate McLouth on deck. That sentence is Exhibit A as to why the AL has won this game 12 straight years.

11:34: "That was Polski!"

11:36: Ryan Dempster comes out of the bullpen to provide the American League with a walk-off win. My money is on J.D. Drew winning it with another home run.

11:42: Dempster strikes out the side in the 9th. Dogs and cats, living together as we head to bonus cantos...

11:46: I really want to see Mariano Rivera blow this game.

11:50: Russell Martin mans up and singles to right field against the Great Mariano. The Senior Circuit is in business!

11:52: Tejada singles up the middle on a hit and run. HGH is not a bad thing!

11:53: Dan Uggla kills the rally by pulling a Jeter and grounding into a double play to end the inning. UGH-la.

11:56: UGH-la must have a plans after the game. He just booted a groundball to put the winning run on base for the American League. This game will be over within five minutes.

11:57: Amazingly, the very next batter, Carlos Quentin, hits a ball right at Dan UGH-la. He has it go under his glove for another error. First and third, no one out. This game is all but over.

11:59: I just realized that Mariano is going to get the win. Are you kidding me? I hate the Yankees.

12:01: Clint Hurdle, with his red wine skin complexion, decides to have Aaron Cook intentionally walk the bases loaded to set up the force at any base. I'm sure he'll walk Grady Sizemore to lose the game.

12:02: Sizemore grounds to UGH-la who decides to mix in a clean play this inning. One out.

12:03: Longoria grounds out to shortstop Cristian Guzman, who for some reason is playing 3rd base. Two outs.

12:04: Miguel Tejada is AMAZING! HGH FOR LIFE! He just made a SICK play to end the inning and save the game for the NL. And Mariano is denied the win. Happiness!

12:08: Tim McCarver and Joe Buck start throwing the "t-word" around ("Maybe this game will end in a TIE again.") Trying his best to prevent that from happening, Adrian Gonzalez leads off the 11th with a single.

12:12: David Wright strikes out again. At least he swung this time. Buck and McCarver are right: I think this game might end in a tie.

12:15: Disgracefully, Fox finally mentions Bobby Murcer's death for the first time in the broadcast at 12:15AM. Seriously. You should be ashamed of yourselves, Fox. How did you not mention his death three hours ago?

12:16: Ian Kinsler singles to start the bottom of the 11th and is then thrown out stealing 2nd on a bad call by the ump. Thanks for nothing. Just end the game already. I want to go to bed.

12:20: Cook walks Dioner Navarro and then gives up a ground single to J.D. Drew. As Ol' Blue Eyes would say, "and now, the end is near."

12:22: Michael Young singles up the middle. Dioner Navarro rounds third and will score to end the game! Oh wait, he's thrown out by Nate McLouth. Your 2008 All-Star Game ladies and gents!

12:25: Cristian Guzman, again playing third for no reason, makes a slick play to end the inning. This game will literally never end.

12:28: For seemingly the 10th straight inning, the National League gets the lead runner on base.

12:30: With runners on 2nd and 3rd, UGH-la strikes out. He absolutely sucks.

12:33: There might be 10,000 people left at Yankee Stadium right now. The Major League Baseball All-Star Game! This time it counts!

12:36: George Sherill comes in and strikes out Adrian Gonzalez to end the top of the 12th. In a related story, my eyes are burning.

12:39: Fox almost misses the game winning home run by Carlos Guillen, which turns out to be a double off the wall. That would have been fitting. Guillen stands on 2nd, ready to score the winning run. If the American League doesn't win now, they should forfeit.

12:40: Sizemore grounds out to UGH-la, who tries his best to make an error but fails. The winning run now stands 90 feet away with one out. A fly ball or a well placed ground ball can win it.

12:43: Evan Longoria strikes out. Sigh.

12:45: Aaron Cook gets out of yet another jam. He has King Kong biscuits. I came into the game hating him, but now I love the goofy looking bastard. What an amazing job.

12:51: Another inning, another lead off hit (this time by David Wright) and another blown opportunity, as a Cristian Guzman sac bunt attempt gets short circuited and Wright is thrown out at 2nd.

12:55: Sherill gets out of the inning, sending us to the bottom of the 13th. I am delirious folks. On the plus side, Carlos Marmol is coming into the game, and he will surely lose this.

1:00: And we've hit 1AM. Wouldn't you know it, Dan UGH-la makes his 3rd error of the game. Why not?

1:05: Marmol had a 13.50 ERA since the middle of June, so naturally he just dominated the AL All-Stars to get out of an UGH-la created jam. This game is unbelievable.

1:06: Maybe it's because I'm exhausted, but the Prison Break commercial that Fox just ran made the show look incredible.

1:12: The 14th Inning Stretch!

1:14: Brandon Webb, looking like he could only be more thrilled if he were on the Bataan Death March, comes in to destroy his arm for the 2nd half of the season. Carlos Guillen greets him with a rope that Miguel Tejada snares. If the National League can actually win this, Tejada has to be the MVP.

1:17: As Webb strikes out Evan Longoria to end the 14th, I just saw a story that Amy Poehler is leaving SNL to star in the now non spin-off of The Office. Apparently it's just produced by The Office crew. That's the best decision that NBC has made in years. A Thursday night with The Office, 30 Rock and "whatever this Amy Poehler show is going to be called" sounds like my kind of party.

1:21: Terry Francona lets Clint Hurdle know that he's not the only manager who can blow out the arm of a young, rising star as he brings in Scott Kazmir, who threw 104 pitches on Sunday. He also happens to be the last AL pitcher standing. The former Mets prospect gets Dan UGH-la to strike out. Naturally.

1:25: David Wright walks on four pitches as Kazmir shakes his arm out. I'm not a doctor, but I doubt this is going to end well.

1:26: Cristian Guzman grounds out to first to end the inning. All 15 Tampa Bay Rays fans are hoping that the American League can win the game here to prevent Kazmir from throwing any more pitches.

1:29: Brad Lidge, the human blown save, comes in to pitch for the National League. He's the last man standing for the NL. Justin Morneau says hello to him by singling to start the 15th.

1:33: Alright, now we're cooking. Lidge has given up three smoked balls in the inning. 1st and 2nd, one out. J.D. Drew the batter.

1:35: J.D. Drew walks on four pitches. Bases loaded. A fly ball can win it.

1:37: Michael Young hits a pop up to right. Sac fly! Ball game over! The American League wins. Nothing says exciting like a game winning sac fly. I could go to bed right now, but I want to see who wins the MVP. I'm guessing it'll be J.D. Drew.

1:44: "Women should not take or handle Avodart."

1:46: The relief on Bud Selig's face is palpable. He looks like a person who got a negative HIV Test result. All Selig would need is another All-Star Game tie on his record. Meanwhile, J.D. Drew wins the MVP and gets booed by the 124 Yankee fans still left in the building. All class, Yankee fans.

1:49: Finally, the broadcast is over. Frank Sinatra, take us away.

Constructive Summer

2008-06-27T16:41:00.003-04:00

If every television show can take a break for the Summer, then why can't I?

Between travel and the various adventures that life has to offer, I'll be away from the blog over the next few weeks.

Please, stop crying.

I'll be back sooner than you think to regale you with plenty of posts about Mad Men and, well, Mad Men. Oh yeah, and the Emmy Nominations.

But rather than leave you with nothing, I figured now would be as good of a time as any to self-promote myself. New to the blog? A loyal reader who can't get enough of my witticisms? Then this post is for you! Here are some of my favorite posts over the past year.

1.) Doesn't NBC have to decide who The Office spin-off is going to feature? Because that show is like starting in 2 1/2 months. I'm sticking with my theory.

2.) Prison Break. Sara Wayne Calles. Decapitated. Still alive. Shaking head.

3.) An Arrested Development movie? Yes, please.

4.) Who didn't love watching Roger Clemens look like an asshole?

5,) The Giants won the Super Bowl. And I rejoiced.

6.) Mad Men comes back at the end of July. Make sure you catch up. And then read what I wrote about the finale.

Summer Rental

2008-06-22T16:29:00.010-04:00

Consider this 42 Inch Television's version of Summer School.

This weekend marked the official beginning of Summer. When I was school aged, Summer was a total goof of fun. Warm weather, relaxation, movies, baseball and ice cream--those were the calling cards of the season. Now? Summer is just a more humid and annoying version of Spring. But hey, that's what happens when you become an "adult," right? Summer loses its meaning when you still have to get up to go to work everyday.

The fact is though, it is still Summer and that should mean something. Granted, thanks to global warming, the warm weather lasts well into what we used to consider Fall, but we should still acknowledge the start of the season. And instead of throwing a virtual bar-be-que here in cyberspace, I'm going to mark the occasion the only way I now how: with an overly wordy post about how you should spend your time this Summer. With that in mind, here is the 42 Inch Television "Summer Viewing List."

No. 1: Watch Mad Men!

I had planned on re-pimping Mad Men (which returns to the airwaves for it's second season on July 27th) before I read the excellent New York Times Magazine cover story on the show. Now, it just looks like I'm piggybacking them.

But who cares. Mad Men is that good.

Clearly I'm prone to hyperbole, but believe me when I say that Mad Men is easily one of the best shows on television. There are times when I think back to the first season and decide that, outside of LOST, it truly was the best show on television in 2007. And then there are times when I think I'm over-rating it, blinded by the onslaught of critical acclaim and awards.

The fact is, Mad Men easily ranks as one of the five best shows on television. If you are one of the people who missed Mad Men during its initial run last Summer, I implore you to catch it on DVD (which will be released on July 1st.)

It is certainly the most The Sopranos-like show currently on television, but for those of you who weren't the biggest Sopranos cheerleaders, it really does have the chance to be even better. The writing of both shows--the pacing, tempo and ease at which the characters speak their well honed dialogue--is similar, but Mad Men does something The Sopranos sometimes failed to do: make its characters really human. When you get right down to it, Mad Men is much more relatable and true-to-life then The Sopranos could ever be.

The people walking through the hallways of Sterling-Cooper (Mad Men's fictitious advertising agency) are living and breathing reality. There are no clownish caricatures like Paulie Walnuts and Silvio Dante were at times. There are no cold-blooded murderers, like Tony; Mad Men's characters are real people with real problems. You might not agree with what Don Draper does (Jon Hamm, expertly combining Gary Cooper, Fred MacMurray and George Clooney into one fascinating package), but you can at least see where he's coming from.

In the Times Magazine article, show creator Matthew Weiner is quoted as saying, "I don't believe in bad guys ... everybody has a reason for what they're doing." That attitude is what separates Mad Men from every other show on television. By not taking the easy way out, it cuts deeper and harsher than anything I've seen on television in some time.

No.2: Don't see Iron Man! Watch Transformers instead!

Stop, I already know what you're saying. "How can a guy who just lauded the intelligence and brilliance of Mad Men be telling me to watch a really crappy Summer movie based on a toy, instead of a rollicking superhero movie like Iron Man. He's lost his mind."

Hear me out.

The other night, I was flipping around and happened to catch Independence Day on one of the Starz! channels I have. At the same time, on another Starz! channel (how many of these channels are there?), The Rock was on. While those two films might not be the best examples of film ever created, they do share one inarguable fact in common. They are real Summer movies. And even more surprisingly, they were both released in 1996.

1996.

That was 12 years ago. I was seventeen, and it seemed at least once a week, I could go the movies to see something fun. And it got me thinking: remember when Summer used to be the time to see ridiculous action movies, fun diversions where s*&t blew up and blew up real good? Yeah, it was pre-9/11, when blowing up New York was all the rage (see: Independence Day, Armageddon, Deep Impact), but have times changed so much that the viewing public doesn't appreciate big, dumb Summer fun?

In recent years, Summer hasn't been a time of fun at the multiplex. We're so starved for a "fun time at the movies," we've actually talked ourselves into thinking Iron Man is that "good time."

Seriously? Iron Man? A movie which was so excessively mediocre that looking back on it now, I can barely remember anything that happened? Come on, we can do better than that!

The problem with Iron Man is that it's a one man show. Robert Downey, Jr., he's great, at once funny, charming, edgy and invested. But it's a problem when he has more chemistry with his talking house than with any other character on screen. Him and Gwyenth were a total snooze. Terrence Howard is an out-right disaster in that movie, channeling Cuba Gooding post-Maguire and channeling him badly. And Jeff Bridges, yeah, he's great, but why was he even there? That could have been anyone. He pretty much strolled through Iron Man like he was in the park on a Sunday afternoon, aimlessly wandering from scene to scene, stopping every once in a while to smack his lips.

And that brings me to Transformers. When it was released last Summer, amid a torrent of bad reviews calling for Michael Bay's first born child as punishment, I wrote it off as pure trite garbage. But then I watched it on DVD. And watched it again. And again. And again. I've probably seen Transformers, in full, five times since it was released on DVD. And I've probably seen parts of it another ten times.

I know it's not a good movie. It's actually pretty average. If you're going to compare it to The Diving Bell and the Butterfly or There Will Be Blood, it's going to look like the worst film ever created. But why would you compare a movie about toys to a movie about locked-in syndrome? To me it makes more sense to compare Transformers to its other Summer brethren. And when you do that, Transformers looks like Citizen Kane.

For all its admitted flaws--you can't even follow the action at times because it's such a mess--Transformers manages to succeed in the first rule of making a Summer movie: it's just plain fun. That's what the latest batch of summer movies sorely lack. Even the great movies, like Batman Begins, are just not fun, bogged down with all their dark and foreboding nonsense. Granted, Iron Man wasn't dark and foreboding, but I think for what it was, and for who the lead is, it should have been a much better time at the movies.

Transformers though, is a movie that is much better than it has any right to be. It's a movie that The Rock and Independence Day would have been proud to call a peer. Maybe it's because I *loved* the toys as a kid. Maybe it's because the cast is completely game and fun and they realize that they're in a movie where giant robots talk. Maybe it's because, of that cast, the star of the show is Shia LaBeouf, who is actually so charming, funny and easy to root for that he lifts the movie to another level. (It will be impossible for him to not become a Poor Man's-Late 80s/Early 90s Tom Cruise, if he wants to.) Maybe it's because, say what you will about Michael Bay, that motherf$%ker knows how to direct the hell out of things blowing up. Or maybe it's because of all the Summer movies to be released in the last decade, Transformers is the only one that seventeen-year-old Chris would have loved. Whatever the reason though, Transformers works and works like gangbusters. And looking at the upcoming slate of movies, I doubt any of them will be as much pure Summer fun as Transformers was.

In short, it's awesome and a must watch. Forget Iron Man, The Incredible Hulk and Hancock. Watch this instead.

No. 3: Watch a Los Angeles Dodgers game with Vin Scully broadcasting it!

Vin Scully is old. He's going to be 81 in November, so the time when Scully no longer broadcasts baseball is right around the corner, doing push-up's. That's why I am imploring you to do what you can to see at least one Dodgers home game this Summer.

Since I'm a complete maniac, I buy the MLB Extra Innings package that Time Warner provides its customers. No, not because I root for an out of town team like the Red Sox or Indians, but because I need to see my fantasy team crash and burn with my own two eyes, rather than read about it on the internet. And during the Summer, I pretty much spend every weekday night idly flipping between games.

But watching Scully broadcast a Dodgers game transcends even my fantasy team. In a world where louder is better, where baseball broadcasts are a mess of sound effects, graphics and at least three voices talking to you in the course of an inning, Scully is truly the "Last of the Mohican's." He does the broadcasts alone. There is no color guy with Scully. He's 80-years-old and completely alone in the booth! Think about that for a second. It is really unheard of. And while his voice sounds a little older than it might have sounded when the impossible happened and Kirk Gibson homered in Game 1 of the 1988 World Series, his mind is as sharp as ever.

Scully accentuates the action with silence rather than blathering on about nonsense. Sure, he mispronounces names and doesn't know the stats as well as I do, but it doesn't matter. Hell, even when he makes a mistake he almost always corrects himself, with a self-deprecating wink. I watch a lot of baseball broadcasts, and Scully is the only announcer who actually talks to the viewer. He's conversing with us, even if he can't hear us talking back to him.

I imagine heaven as a place where all baseball games are broadcasted by Vin Scully. He's that good. And he's a limited resource. Age is a perilous thing. Who knows how much longer we'll have to hear him. Sure I want you to watch Mad Men and I think you'll have a great time with Transformers, but really, if you only listen to one thing I wrote here, it should be this. Vin Scully is an American treasure. Watch him while you can.

Free Willie

2008-06-18T08:43:00.006-04:00

In honor of my 100th post (yay!) here's an open letter to all Mets fans.

Dear Mets fans,

How can I put this lightly? You are a bunch of idiots.

Too harsh? How about "morons?" Any better?

Yesterday should have been a bellwether day in the history of the Mets franchise. Willie Randolph's firing was the highlight of the season. The guy had to go. To quote a refrain I uttered to myself for the past two months, it was time to "get his ass out of here."

Instead, I'm hearing nothing but complaints and gnashing of teeth. A torrent of calls to WFAN and IM's to me, bemoaning the firing of the much maligned manager:

"This isn't the way to treat someone!"

"I'm never rooting for this team again!"

Mets fans, What more did you need to see?!? The team flat-out QUIT on Willie Randolph. Mental errors, no hustle, a lackadaisical look on their faces. I know the team as currently constituted is a piece of garbage, but that doesn't mean they don't have to try.

What's worse, the fans quit on this team too. Loud boos and jeers earlier in the season were reduced to stunned silence and apathy during their last homestand. The message to ownership was clear: make a change.

And in baseball, that change is the manager. He's the first to go. You can yell and holler about Omar Minaya and the terrible job he's done, but it doesn't work that way. First the manager goes, then the GM, then the players. That's the thread line for any sports organization. And Willie had to go. He sucked at this. You can say he had no players, but Omar still gave him three top-15 players in MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL to work with (Jose Reyes, David Wright and Johan Santana.) Throw in a top-30 player in Carlos Beltran, one of the best closers in the league in Billy Wagner, a surefire Hall of Famer in Pedro Martinez and a breakout player in Ryan Church, and on paper, the Mets should be a lot better.

Now, we all know that those players are dogs. That Beltran is a piece of s#$*, endlessly watching a called third strike; that Reyes is a selfish and over-rated player, Rickey Henderson without the talent; that Santana has too much wear on his golden arm and is clearly heading towards the downside of his run. But, that's an argument for the off-season. Right now, the team quit. It needed a change. And this change was long overdue. Willie had to go.

I know what you're saying, "but why did they have to fire him at 3:15 AM! Show the guy some class! You don't treat people that way!!" And to that, I say to you: who cares.

Who cares when he was fired? Am I supposed to feel bad for Willie Randolph? He's going to get paid a lot of money to do nothing for the next couple of years. He's going to get another job in baseball. Ooooooo, the Mets made him fly across the country just to get fired in the middle of the night in Anaheim. So what?! If you were getting fired tomorrow, wouldn't you want a free trip out to sunny California to hear the news? It's not like they made him fly to China.

People say you are supposed to feel bad when someone gets fired. I don't. I feel bad when someone gets laid off. When someone loses their job because of budget or because of a company wide change of direction, that sucks. That is a terrible thing, and, having been laid off, I will always feel bad for those people. It's not fun.

But I'm supposed to feel bad when someone gets fired? Why? When you get fired it means you did a crappy job and had to pay the consequences. People get fired for failing. Willie failed. He was given plenty of opportunities to right this ship, to improve his job performance, and he didn't. He had to pay the consequences.

Willie got fired and I will happily dance on his grave.

I've had to sit here for 24 hours, listening to Mets fans complain on WFAN, and I'm tired of it. In the end, WE are the ones who got Willie fired. We made our hate for this team and their play loud and clear, both in our jeers and in our silence.

Now we're upset with the outcome? Now we don't have the stomach for Willie getting fired?

Grow up! We got what we wanted. Willie is done. Omar will be next. And eventually the team will get back to being a solid contender.

This is the first step.

Instead of complaining like a little petulant child, enjoy it.

Warmest regards,

42 Inch Television

The Ghost of Hanukkah Future

2008-06-16T22:59:00.004-04:00

Thank God for Albert Brooks.

I hated the third season of Weeds, which was just too inconsistent and obvious to sustain for a full year. And, suffice to say, after the righteously excellent second season, I was a little heartbroken by that turn of events. Sure I still loved Mary-Louise Parker (editor's note: marry me!) And Justin Kirk wrecked house in every single scene he appeared in, no matter how trite and stupid (Andy's "In the Army Now" sequences still give me nights shivers.) But everything else fell flat. What was once a great show, almost overnight, wasn't.

It should come as no surprise then, after that most unsatisfying season, that I was all set to sit here and bury the fourth season premiere of Weeds. And I mean capital "B" bury it. For the first fifteen minutes of the episode, we were treated to a beyond the pale pastiche of recycled situations and a complete lack of jokes. This is a comedy, right? I'm supposed to, at the very least, smirk while I'm watching it. But, no. There wasn't a joke to found. It was so boring in fact, that I found myself noticing completely nerdy technical details, like how crappy the audio sounded in the outdoor scenes. Apparently times are so bad at Showtime, they are using AV equipment that would make high school students shake their heads in disgust. Seriously, it sounded like it was VHS audio. And that's to say nothing of the way the show looked: muddy and blurry, the worst example of HD since the invention of HD.

See? I shouldn't be noticing stuff like that. But because it was so awful, I did. For fifteen minutes, Weeds was completely terrible. I was almost going to punch out.

And then, as if sent down from the gods of comedy, Albert Brooks showed up and unleashed a string of jokes and one-liners funnier than anything I've heard on television since 30 Rock closed up shop for the summer:

"You're sitting in my mother's living room, eating German food and smelling like gas. She was in Auschwitz for Christsake! What kind of monster are you?"

"I'm just not sure you're mine, so I keep an emotional distance."

"Rinse off the Nazi plate, will ya?"

"I like Shane, despite his stupid cowboy name."

Albert Brooks saved Weeds.

I know, I know. It sounds overly dramatic. It sounds like something a stupid critic would write, praising an aging comedic actor who clearly has lost some zip from his fastball. I mean outside of appearing in The Simpsons movie, Albert Brooks hasn't done one thing of consequence in years. But there he was, dressed in Carl Reiner's wardrobe from Ocean's 11, dropping his pitch perfect comedic timing on the heads of every Weeds viewer. When Brooks, Parker and Kirk shared screen time, I almost forgot everything bad about the show. They were so good together, bouncing off each other as if they were on stage, that I stopped wondering about the bad AV stuff. I stopped caring that Shane (Alexander Gould, puberty) and Silas (Hunter Parrish, still a big douche) had clearly aged precipitously between seasons, even though the events of the episode were supposed to take place just a few hours after the Season Three finale. I even stopped caring that Celia was throwing Nancy under the bus to the DEA, watching her pleas fall on deaf ears.

Nope, thanks to Brooks, the show became not just watchable, but excellent. The man is literally hilarious. Think Alec Baldwin on 30 Rock plus Judaism. He was so funny in fact, that I have to question how much of his dialogue was written by Jenji Kohan, since it was so much sharper than anything else in the episode.

And as if on cue, once he left the screen, and Nancy and Guillermo (Guillermo Diaz, forever the dude from Half Baked) were talking nonsense about birds, immigration, fences made of Vietnam war airstrips and heroin, the show lost me once again. If you could just give me 20 minutes per week of Brooks, Parker and Kirk acting out some warped family dramedy, I would happily watch every second of it with baited breath.

Sadly though, Brooks has only signed on for four episodes, meaning there are only three more opportunities to see him butt heads with Nancy and Andy. So that leaves us with good news and bad news. The bad news is that it turns out that Weeds still sucks. And the good? Albert Brooks can keep me laughing for a few more weeks.

Welcome Back!

2008-06-12T21:04:00.008-04:00

Wait, what's this? I have a blog?! You're kidding me!!!

I'll admit it: I've been slacking.

I haven't written a bloody thing since my dissertation on the season finale of LOST. It's not like I have writer's block. Far from it. I haven't even tried to write anything.

It has been such a long time since I logged into Blogger, that my Firefox browser actually prompted me for my username and password when I ambled over here tonight.

But hey, cut me some slack. What would you like me to write about? I'm not sure if you've turned on your television since LOST ended, but there is literally nothing on. It's a wasteland of epic proportions. I'm reduced to watching the NBA Finals right this second and listening to the moderately good/moderately not good new Weezer album.

Sure, I recorded CBS' trashy soap Swingtown, with the idea of actually watching it and writing a scathing review about how bad it is (I'm assuming), but I haven't even had the slightest interest in actually watching it. It just sits there amongst all the season finales and Around the Horn episodes I still have saved on the DVR. Here's a little secret for you: I'm going to erase that before even putting it on.

I guess I could have pulled a New York Magazine and written about the new shows that will be airing this Fall, but, um, shouldn't we wait to do that until Summer officially begins? I mean I hate to be a nitpicker (that's a lie), but come on. Like anyone reading Vulture cares about the shows that TNT will be airing in November.

And then there are the Emmy's, another popular television related topic. Entertainment Weekly devoted three pages to Emmy predictions in their latest issue. One problem: the nominations don't come out for a full month.

So yeah, I wasn't really that excited to write about all the stuff I plan on writing about at a later and more time pertinent date. And rather than write yet another post about LOST, I figured that I'd pull a Champ and sit a few plays out.

But two stories this week made me sit up and take notice. Considered this my Mike McDermott Ali-like return to the ring.

Jenny Humphrey Goes to Boarding School? Yes, please!

For teenage girls, New York Magazine and yours truly, the news this week of Josh Schwartz's plan to spin-off the total non-hit Gossip Girl by using Taylor Momson's jail bait ingenue as the central focus was awesome news. Usually spin-offs will inherently suck (yes, Office, I'm looking at you.) But Jenny is tailor made for her own show. For starters, she's barely a factor on Gossip Girl. Once she usurped Blair, found herself acting as the beard in a sham relationship, and then was subsequently usurped by Blair (re-usurped?) her character arc was almost over. Sure, Jenny can continue to get corrupted by the UES, turning to hard drugs, wild underage sex and other various nefarious activities, but isn't that why we have Serena? And Blair? And Dan? And Chuck? And Vanessa? And every single other character on the show?

Here's a perfect idea for the spin-off: while at boarding school, Jenny befriends Willa Holland, playing a variation on Kaitlin Cooper from Season Four of The O.C. Hilarity ensues. Also, make sure all the other characters are goody two-shoes. So when the coke fueled orgies start, things have more dramatic weight.

Needless to say, this spin-off will never happen. Five people watch Gossip Girl. How many people will watch the spin-off? Four?

Katherine Heigl, marry me!

I love Katherine Heigl. It's not just that she's extremely charming, surprising funny and super-duper hot. It's that she just doesn't seem to realize that movie stars, like athletes, are never supposed to say anything interesting. Heigl flies in the face of that theory. She buried Isaiah Washington during the whole T.R. Knight controversy. Then she called Judd Apatow out for Knocked Up saying that the women in that film came off as shrew and awful when compared with the happy-go-lucky boys. (Katherine was wrong about this, because the only woman who came off like a total slag in that movie was Apatow's wife, Leslie Mann. And I think that's because she just is one of the most unlikable actresses in Hollywood. Seriously, she's so awful, they could cast her on Grey's Anatomy and actually make the show more heinous. But, whatever.)

However those shots pale in comparison to what Katherine Heigl said today. In an interview with the AP, Heigl, the reigning Emmy Winner for Best Supporting Actress, stated that she was withdrawing her name from consideration this year because her character was poorly written. Said Heigl, through her publicist: "I did not feel that I was given the material this season to warrant an Emmy nomination and in an effort to maintain the integrity of the academy organization. In addition, I did not want to potentially take away an opportunity from an actress who was given such materials."

This is hilarious! In two biting sentences, filled with vitriol and passive-aggression, Heigl says what every single person who watched Grey's Anatomy this year was already thinking: the writing on the show SUCKS. It got so bad this year, that the passable episodes towards the end of the season were hailed as a "return to form," which is code for "this show sucks now, but it isn't as bad as it used to be."

In addition to just slamming the piss-poor writing staff of Grey's, she also manages to take shots at her fellow, horrible actresses on the show (save Chandra Wilson.) I can't wait to see Sandra Oh nominated for a Best Supporting Actress or Ellen Pompeo snag a Best Actress nomination. Basically, if they get nominated, they look like a#@holes: they're getting the same crappy material as Heigl, but they didn't pull their names from consideration.

Most importantly though, hopefully this starts a wave of television actors admitting stuff we already know. Wouldn't it be nice if Kiefer Sutherland came out and told everyone that the last two seasons of 24 were unwatchable? Or if Wentworth Miller admitted that Prison Break was total trash?

We all know that won't happen. But a boy can dream. In the meantime, at least we have Katherine Heigl.

See You In Another Life, Brother

2008-05-30T00:41:00.007-04:00

Now THAT's a Season Finale!

"Yes, I've heard that you've been flying on passenger planes. Hoping you'd crash. That's dark Jack. Very dark." - Benjamin Linus

If you don't like LOST because you are too wrapped up in the minutiae of smoke monsters and four-toed statues and what they all mean and whether they make sense; if you're frustrated because you think you deserve more answers at a faster pace; if you think the whole thing is one big scam, something the writers are coming up with as they go along, painfully teasing plots out when they can just finish their entire story in one episode, well then just do us all a favor and stop watching. Or better yet, read this Slate piece, and then stop watching.

Now for the rest of us, this morning my friend sent me this pull quote from James Poniewozik's blog over at Time: "There was something very foreordained about 'No Place Like Home.' 95% of it was concerned with unfolding events that--more or less--we knew or had been led to believe would happen."

I think that's why I so unbelievably loved the season finale. We knew what was coming, more or less. We knew the beats and the pieces that had to be overturned to propel things into season's five and six: Yeah, Sawyer was going to sacrifice his own well being for Kate's; Sure, Ben was going to teleport to that Tunisian desert with an injured arm; Of course, the Island was going to move in a flash of purple light and special effects.

And yet with all of that, I was still shocked, delighted and surprised.

While nothing could top "we have to go back!!!!!!!!" when it comes to mind-blowing reveals, "we're gonna have to bring him too" is a pretty ridiculous cherry-on-top in its own right.

I loved this finale.

I can't believe that I didn't expect Locke to be in the coffin. I'm actually mad at myself. Who else could it have been? I kept thinking Ben, but that wouldn't have made a lick of sense. Locke barely does either, but it's much more believable. And much more obvious. I think I was just so relieved that it wasn't Ben, that my mind totally shut down. I don't know that I'm disappointed with this turn of events. You had to figure they needed a way to get Locke involved in the "three year" gap that the flashbacks are going to start filling in, more than just seeing him learn the ways of the Island from Richard Alpert and his eyeliner.

If I had one complaint about this season of LOST, it was that Jack had precious little screen time with Ben and/or Locke. When those three egos get together, it's like adding frozen concentrate orange juice to gasoline. The napalm effect of their explosive awesomeness is the engine that drives LOST. And in the season finale, from almost the very first scene, the snap, crackle and pop that they provide charged the entire show with a manic energy that hadn't been felt since the early parts of this season.

But enough with the metaphors, right? Get to the point already! Okay, okay how's this: This was the type of episode that LOST does best. Constant forward motion, mixed with ridiculous action, well-placed special effects, brilliant acting and all-time plot reveals. Watching these finales, it's ever-so-apparent how much the writers really love the original Star Wars. The way they are paced, cut and shot would make 70s George Lucas (you know, the one decade he actually had any talent) proud.

From a technical standpoint, this show is almost too good for television. Some of the best shots I've seen in the last couple of years have been watching LOST. I liked Indiana Jones and the Really Long Winded Title, but THIS is the way an adventure is supposed to look. Not just the special effects, which were infinitely better and more organic than anything in Indiana Jones, but in the entire way it was shot. The sky was blue, the trees were green, the ocean was real. When Sawyer swam up on the beach, he was actually coming out of the water! When the Frank Lapidus helicopter was soaring away from the Island, it was a real helicopter flying against a real sky with a real Island below! Cort Fey should be shooting summer blockbusters, not Janusz Kaminski.

Back to LOST though: Where did we leave off for the rest of 2008? Locke's in the coffin. Hurley's playing chess with Mr. Eko. Sayid is still murdering Eurotrash. Kate is having visions of Claire, warning her to leave Aaron home--a problem since according to the rules of Dramatic Tension, all of the Oceanic Six have to go back. Sun is scheming with Charles Widmore. Desmond and Penny are floating around the world. And Jack, good ol' Jack, is broken, high and still in desperate need of a shave.

Six other things to ponder while you realize that Labor Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's will all arrive before the next new LOST:

1.) Michael and Jin exploded. Or did they? I loved the idea that Jin blew up on the Freighter, just because it allowed Sun to flat-out go hysteric. Seriously. In four seasons has Yunjin Kim ever had the chance to go off like that? I don't think her and Jack are going to be exchanging Christmas cards any time soon. "Hey Sun, sorry about leaving your husband for dead. Merry Xmas!" But, come on, do you really think Jin is dead? Something tells me he's not. Rule No. 1 of entertainment: You don't kill main characters off-screen--yes, No Country For Old Men, I'm looking at you.

Now, the romantic in me wants to see Jin and Sun reunited. How great will that be? The only problem I have with the idea that Jin is still alive is, how did he get back to the Island before it got sucked into the ocean?

As for Michael, well when Christian Shepherd appeared (there goes that news van again!) and started talking, my jaw dropped at the absurdity of the situation. From his cryptic "you can go home now," you could cull one of two things. Either Michael's dead, free from his debt to the Island; or he's saved, magically teleported back to the Island.

It turns out, he's dead.

And honestly, I'm okay with that. His entire re-entry into the show was a pure abortion. Basically, it was stunt casting to make the hardcores smile with glee. In reality, Michael had nothing left to give the show and he really won't be missed. Now if we can only figure out how to get rid of Walt before he grows a beard.

1a.) Speaking of beards and Island transportation: How did Daniel Faraday get back to the Island? Because something tells me he's not just floating out in the middle of the ocean with a bunch of extras.

2.) Sawyer was a lot cooler when he was a total bad-ass, not caring about anyone but himself. Then he killed the "Real Sawyer" and had an epiphany. Now he's kinda noble and introspective and in touch with his feelings. I'll take cutthroat Jack over new Sawyer any day of the week. However, with that being said, seeing him jump out of the helicopter was absolutely perfect. That was his "give this to Billy Bob" moment from Armageddon. Tear.

3.) Jack is my favorite character. Well, no, Ben is. But Jack is so ridiculous: so awful and evil and disgusting and selfish and self-righteous, that I absolutely love him. I know they're setting it up for his big redemption, when he goes back and saves everyone on the Island, probably sacrificing himself to do so and I love that. And while I'm on the subject, is there any doubt that Kate and Sawyer are going to end up together?

4.) Desmond and Penny. I didn't expect them to get together before the series finale, so yeah this was a big surprise. And it was as touching as you would have hoped. Finally, FINALLY, something good happened for Desmond. It's about time. The problem is, how long is that good feeling going to last. We know Ben wants to kill Penny, Charles Widmore is hunting for the both of them and the cruel mistress that is fate probably doesn't want them to stay together. There are too many variables to keep them together. Oh yeah, plus the Island wants them all to come back, and Desmond has to be included in that. I think in the end, they're going to be the Adam & Eve skeletons from Season One. Well, either them, or Charlotte's parents, since she was CLEARLY born on that Island.

5.) I understand that Future Ben as a Bond Villain is lame. I get it. I agree with it. I like it better when he's all tied up and beaten and seemingly backed into a corner he can't get out of. He's so much more watchable in that situation then in his black trench coat. But as far as I'm concerned, the more Michael Emerson, the better. The guy is amazing. It's not just that he's such a good actor (which he clearly is), it's that the writers, specifically Cuse and Lindelof, give him ALL the good lines and looks. I could sit there and watch him wage psychological warfare on Jack all day long and be satisfied. Yeah, maybe from a narrative standpoint, it could have been better to make him more of a background figure as the show moves off the Island and into the aftermath of the move. But from a pure watching standpoint, ever since Michael Emerson has arrived, the show has kicked it to another level. It actually pained me to think of him in the coffin and no longer on the show in a major capacity. The idea that he's going to get the band back together, Desmond included, and make a play to get back on the Island is something I couldn't be more excited for. Forget giving him an Emmy, Michael Emerson should get an Oscar for all the work that he's done this year. It's sheer brilliance.

6.) So Locke's in the coffin. Something tells me he didn't just kill himself, as the news article would lead everyone to believe. And something tells me he's not even really dead. Future Locke is about as dead as Christian Shepherd and Claire are. He's totally coming back to life. After all, Locke believes in miracles. And who are we to argue with him. The dude fell from an eight story window, was paralyzed, survived a giant life-taking plane crash and then ended up running around the Island like Arnie at the end of Predator. I think he can handle a little resurrection.

In the end, this was clearly the most successful season, beginning to end, that the show has had since the first. Season Two was a mess, then it wasn't. Season Three was less of a mess, then it was fantastic. Season Four was amazing from start to finish. Even with the filler episodes taken into account, it was still amazing. Well paced, well acted, well plotted. This is a show that is so far and ahead of everything else the medium has to offer that it's not even funny.