Integration Training Journal - Mark Walsh's Blog Brighton, Sussex, UK

Restorative Justice Video

2009-12-05T11:45:00.000Z

Dominic Barter on video. Respect.

Dominic is a UK born NonViolent Communication trainer living in Brazil working with restorative justice and conflict resolution. I met him a few years back while teaching NVC and aikido to a group of kids and NGO workers in Sao Paulo.

Violence need not be a vicious circle.

US Army Stress Training

2009-12-04T10:00:00.000Z

Article on stress training and suicide prevention in the US Army.

"Workshops like this represent the Army's response to hidden emotional wounds from repeated combat deployments that are thought to lie behind alarming levels of suicide in the military.

"You're starting to see some fissures and some holes in our force, and you see it manifested in [post-traumatic stress disorder and] increased suicide rates," said Col. Darryl A. Williams, deputy director of the CSF training program.

"This is a recognition by Army leadership that we need something that will endure, that's long-standing and will increase the fitness of our force so that we don't unravel," Col. Williams said.
That recognition has been particularly visible this year, with the Army creating a Suicide Prevention Task Force.

The recent mass killings at Fort Hood, Texas, purportedly by a troubled psychiatrist, have added a greater sense of urgency for the military to deal proactively with the mental health of its troops.

At a briefing this month, Army Vice Chief of Staff Gen. Peter W. Chiarelli said 2009 likely will end with more suicides than last year. By the end of October, the number of suicides in the Army equaled 140, the total for all of 2008.

"I am trying to change what I believe is a culture in the Army to look at these invisible wounds as something less than a broken bone or the loss of an arm or a leg," Gen. Chiarelli said."

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Here in the UK I am currently establishing a team to design a resiliency training program to be offered to UK armed forces and NGO workers. Working name: Project Achilles. Please contact me if you'd like to be involved.

Coaching Tips

2009-12-03T09:30:00.001Z

My friends at NGO training organsiation IMA have prodiced this list of coaching tips:

Coching excellence is not an accident!

What do all the top sports people in the world have in common? Apart from being very successful, they each have a coach. Why?

The coach is there to help them:

Build on their successes
Work on the details that will sharpen their skills, and improve their techniques
Plan tactics ahead of important events
Stay at the top in a very competitive world

In an organisation, coaching means:
"Improving performance at work, by turning things people do into learning situations, in a planned way, under guidance." Fleming & Taylor 2003

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10 Essential Coaching Skills (Tips in full article)
Use the tips below to build your coaching skills and bring out the best in your staff:

Building rapport
Observation
Listening Skills
Matching People’s Worlds
Listening actively
Helping people change
Helping people learn
Planning learning
Developing Trust
Giving Feedback

The GROW Modal for Performance Coaching

IMA uses the GROW model as a framework for Performance Coaching
The aim of this model is to raise the performer's Awareness and Responsibility through the coach’s effective questioning techniques, listening and observing.
AWARENESS - self directed focus to gather appropriate information to a high quality;
RESPONSIBILITY - the performer’s choice to "own" a task and to see it through to completion.

The GROW Coaching Model:

G Goals - what do you want? R Reality - What is happening now? O Options - What could you do?W Will - What will you do?

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Information on Integration Training's own "embodied" approach to coaching is here.

The Finance Lab - Transformational Leadership?

2009-12-02T19:43:00.005Z

It's not everyday you see a project lead by the WWF and The Institute of Chartered Accountants - which is what The Finance Lab is.

"The Finance Lab is an initiative designed to take practical action to stimulate transformational change in the financial system so that it serves society and the environment."

CSR is something which emerges naturally when feelings, spirituality and the body are reengaged in business which is a big reason I spend my time doing the leadership training I do. With this in mind I was happy to see Terry Patten of Integral Life Practice involved.

CBT and Negative Thought Patterns

2009-12-02T15:59:00.003Z

While researching materials for a course on confidence I came across this great site on Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and negative thought patterns. It also contains one of my favourite words: CATASTROPHISING!

Extract from CBT Site on Negative Thought Patterns:

OVERGENERALISING

You think that because an unpleasant thing happened to you once, it will ALWAYS happen to you. For example, a young man who felt lonely, unwanted and rejected thought that he would never be able to have a girlfriend as girls did not find him attractive. He had asked a girl from the office out and she turned him down. This meant that all other girls he invited out would do the same thing.
Words that indicate you may be overgeneralising are all, every, none, never, always, everybody, everything and nobody.

LABELLING

When you call yourself "Stupid" or "Totally Hopeless" or a "Failure" you are using the extreme form of overgeneralisation, that is you give yourself a GENERAL LABEL on the basis of perhaps one mistake or one failure. This can mean that you are not able to see yourself any other way.

PERSONALISING

You think that YOU are solely responsible for a negative or unpleasant event, when often there is little basis for this conclusion in fact. A mother of two thinks that her children are quarrelling about which programme to watch on television because she is inadequate. A passer-by frowns and you think "he finds me disgusting". People do not appear to be enjoying themselves very much at a party and you think: "it is my fault, I am not entertaining enough".

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Psychology So What: Watch how you think!

Unexpected Great Leaders

2009-12-01T17:15:00.000Z

Training Zone have been good enough to publish my ranting on leadership again along with a picture of Che for some reason!

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Unexpected Great Leaders

Leaders are freaks. Leadership is an individual matter and leaders may stand out from the crowd, or paradoxically, be unusual in how well they blend into one. In this article I would like to highlight

The “common sense” or “heroic” model of leadership is that people are born great due to having more traits like courage, intelligence and vision. They then stride out ahead, head held high and chest puffed making powerful speeches and inspiring others to follow. Modern business research shows this to be an inaccurate picture of reality and I would also say an undesirable ideal. Below are some of the more unusual characteristics and behaviours I would associate with leadership.

More XYZ

Leaders often hold the standard values of their culture, but embody them more fully. A military leader may be recognised as being more courageous (Alexander The Great), a rare politician as more honest (Abraham Lincoln) and a leader from the technology sector as more nerdy (Bill Gates). More XYZ however is not enough to explain how leaders stand out as qualitatively different.

Rebellion and vision

Leaders engage in unusual behaviour. Perhaps more of a behavioural definition than a trait - one has to do something better than the norm to really lead. For this reason leaders are often unconventional, rebellious and visionary.

Richard Branson, Fred Kofman and Ricardo Semler are archetypes of this in the modern age, as was Henry Ford. A major issue for organisations today is how to avoid just promoting mediocre yes-men and allow room for the mavericks who will save their butts when times change.

Self knowledge

Leaders have an unusual degree of self-knowledge; by this I mean they’re highly aware of their own mental state, beliefs, desires and short-comings. Goffey and Jones state that this at least needs to be “good enough” so as not to sabotage a leader. It is my experience that deep and often painful personal work is the only way to develop a leader and quick-fix “tricks and tips” don’t cut it.

Care and suffering

Leaders care more. Think of William Wilberforce or Bob Geldof before he sold out – leaders are passionate about something. Although the word “passionate” is often overused by soulless mission-statement (such as “we’re passionate about providing shareholder value and service”), however a leader needs to be passionate and has often sacrificed for their beliefs. Leaders do what they love and believe in it long into the night whether they are paid or not.

Note that a leader’s traits often come from their own personal suffering. Churchill was a neglected child who suffered bouts of depression and alcoholism – perhaps this was where the resilience he so wonderfully embodied during WWII was formed? Leaders not only “follow their bliss” but also their heartbreak. (From Andrew Harvey’s reframe of Jospeh Campbell who stated that this phrase was so misused he’d wished he’d said “follow your blisters”.)

Self care

Note too that Churchill painted, laid bricks, bathed and napped daily to relieve this stress, and, like many leaders, was supported by a devoted partner with whom he was quite sentimental. The dedication to looking after their own well-being is often not immediately apparent in a leader and the necessary counter-balance to caring deeply about a cause. As I advise in stress workshops – put your own oxygen mask on first.

Service, humility and spiritual depth

Leaders have a higher purpose. Mother Teresa perhaps best exemplifies the leader as a spiritually developed, humble servant of something greater. While she has been criticised on other fronts she remains a potent symbol of how leadership is as much a matter of humility and spiritual depth, as it is of operational competence. Little leadership training addresses this dimension, servant leadership, integral approaches and embodied management training being notable exceptions.

Interestingly, 'levels of development' which are one measure of personal development or spirituality can be assessed reliably (see Ken Wilber’s overviews of Spiral Dynamics, Cook-Grueter and Robert Kegan for example). Meaning that a business could hire, fire or promote based on this over-riding principle.

Mindfulness and embodiment

The 'secret weapons' of mindfulness and embodied practices are out of the bag. Successful leaders have been shown to be far more likely than others to engage in meditative practices and physical exercise (as far back as Napoleon Hill’s research for example). The former could mean traditional meditation practice or any activity done with full concentration or intent (Churchill’s bricklaying for example).

Attention to the body not only supports health but the “magic” of gravitas is an embodied phenomena as discussed in a previous article on how to be charismatic. Those wishing to see the evidence base on this might look at the research done by Richard Strozzi-Heckler and the US armed forces which was previously classified.

Intuition

Leaders rarely just survey all the facts and make a logical decision (“62 per cent of CEOs rate gut feelings as being highly influential in their business decisions” - PRWeek/Burson-Marsteller CEO Survey). While an effective leader is certainly very likely to have a developed cognitive capacity this alone is not enough. Gut instinct is something leaders use, yet few trainers acknowledge. I work a great deal in this area as do a growing number of people such as Alison Pothier (UK) and Elise Lebeau (USA).

And they can be quiet and 'ordinary'

Leaders don’t have to be extrovertly exceptional and the notion of a 'quiet leader' exemplified by Bill Gates or King George VI (a good balance to Churchill?) has gained ground in recent years. There are many ways to be a leader and being an everyman is one – I will therefore happily contradict myself and say that leaders are quite ordinary.

I am also an advocate of the notion that we are all leaders in leading our own lives, or at least have the potential. My first model for leadership was not business mentors but my mother who, like many parents, quietly went about raising a family and holding down a job under often difficult conditions. This too is leadership.

Mark Walsh is a UK pioneer in the 'embodied' approach to management and leadership training. Based in Brighton he heads Integration Training - Business Training Providers specialising in leadership, team building, stress management and time management training. Contact Mark on 07762 541 855 or visit his leadership training blog.

Celebrating World AIDS Day

2009-12-01T15:50:00.006Z

If you're wondering why Twitter has gone red or what all the little ribbons are about it's because it's World AIDS day. Yeah! :-)

My own view is that a celebration of the good that has been done around HIV awareness is a better way to keep spreading the word than mourning what's harsh (which I have seen up close in Brighton and Ethiopia - Big love to my friends there by the way - betam teru!)

If you'd like to keep people wondering, talking and donating to the likes of Terrence why not wear your ribbon a little lower than conventional - idea viruses spread quicker via the groin.

Peter Levine - Somatics and Trauma

2009-11-30T09:30:00.001Z

Peter Levine on his somatic (body-mind) approach to stress and trauma - Somatic Experiencing. More videos from Peter Levine on somatics and trauma here. The second video relates specifically to parenting and "trauma-proofing" children (building resilience).

Integral Business Resources

2009-11-29T11:45:00.002Z

There's a whole host of videos, documents and other integral business resources on this page from Fred Kofman's company Axialent.

Unreasonable Training

2009-11-28T12:30:00.003Z

Corporate training is a safe, reasonable and logical business where clear learning aims and consideration for delegates is paramount. This is my own and the majority view in the industry I work in.

There are however other ways of learning then undeniably get results in other arenas. Contrast the average corporate Power Point or leadership training seminar with these clips of hard and "unreasonable" training. The first exemplifies the austerely spiritual approach of Japanese martial arts training (I experienced a similar style while living as an student in the UK Aikido HQ). The second video is not for the faint hearted and shows Chinese gymnastics training (Western gymnastics training is almost as severe) and is in my opinion a form of child abuse.

While is is easy to demonise such approaches (particularly the latter, which to be clear, I find despicable) - what can be learned from them? What if executives and business training providers had this level of unreasonable dedication? Have you ever "stayed up nights" thinking of ways to "make your delegates stronger"? What if you had this type of commitment or your learners this level of ego-free surrender? If business people trained with the dedication of Olympic martial arts hopeful how would they perform?

I am not saying these approaches would be appropriate in the business training world - they are unreasonable - I am however saying they make an interesting contrast and underline some weaknesses as well as strengths of business training culture. Business too after all, is mainly "a matter of hard work and concentration."

My training business website is here. Our specialty is working with the body in a gentle non-athletic way around stress, leadership and team building.

Making Peace with the Enemy

2009-11-28T11:30:00.000Z

“Making Peace with the Enemy”

With Jo Berry
Room 8, Lambeth Town Hall, Brixton Hill, London SW2 1RJ
15th December 2009 at 6.30pm

Jo’s father Sir Anthony Berry MP, was killed by the IRA in the bombing of the 1984 Tory Party conference in Brighton, and her talk is about the emotional journey that she has gone through in order to reconcile and make friends with the bomber Patrick Magee. It should be a fascinating evening and we hope that you can join us.

Jo Berry made a inner commitment, 2 days after the bomb that killed her Father, to find a way to bring something positive out of the tragedy. She chose to not blame the ‘other’ but sought to understand. In 2000 she met the man who planted the bomb. Pat Magee, and they sat together in a room talking for over 3 hours. Jo wanted to see the man behind the enemy and to hear his story. The first meeting led onto many and the next meetings became the subject of the Everyman documentary, Facing the Enemy, broadcast in 2001. Since then they have spoken over 60 times, at peace conferences, schools, universities, internationally as well as nationally. Jo now calls Pat her friend though there are still challenges,: it is a unusual friendship. Jo now knows through listening to him deeply that if she had lived his life she may have made the same choices, and with that understanding there is nothing to forgive. Recently for the 25th anniversary, they spoke together at the House of Commons to the all Parliamentary groups on Conflict issues and also Jo launched the Charity she founded, Building Bridges for PeaceThere will be time for questions after Jo has spoken.

R.S.V.P. 020 8678 6046 http://uk.mc272.mail.yahoo.com/mc/compose?to=admin@lambethmediation.org.uk

The Evolution of Training

2009-11-27T18:35:00.000Z

Training is evolving as society evolves. Evolution is moving through a number of stages (or waves if you prefer) at each training looks very different. Trainers, coaches and training managers can be functioning from different stages from the organisations that they serve, which with this awareness can be positive but without can be disastrous for all involved.

The stages training is evolving through can be mapped using any number of systems - however I will focus here on Spiral Dynamics which focuses on values and is associated with Don Beck and Chris Cowan based on the work of Clare W Graves. It uses a colour system to tag the different levels/ value sets. Here is what training looks like from a number of the "levels" - the growth being greater inclusion and effectiveness:

Red

This value set is concerned with "might is right" and sees little value in training unless it will help manipulate others for short-term gains. Sadly the moral development of some in business is still at this level and when. Again sadly I have seen this in the NLP world and with sales teams, though it could crop-up anywhere.

Blue

Training at this stage is concerned with teaching what is right and wrong according to an orthodoxy. It's more like indoctrination compared to modern training which would might see it as "old-school teaching." In the training world there are many myths and orthodoxies however and under the pressure of the recession many organisations have slipped back into this modus operandi. The beauty and dangers of this way of operating is the clear distinction between good and bad, stability and order.

Orange

Orange training has been the mainstream for many years and most business is conducted from this achievist, individualist and logical mindset. Orange likes results, measurement, "hard" facts and a good evidence base for any training. This is the training of SMART goals , psychometrics and statistics. It's downside is that it often ignores individual subjective and cultural factors which are a part of being human but not easily measured.

In my experience, the public sector sometimes lags behind in this regard and some training teams in large UK organisations are just learning to think in this way.

Green

Green training is pluralistic and takes into account the role of the observer for the first time. If you here yourself saying "of course you can't generalise...""it's your unique learning style that's important" or "we all see things different, what is right or wrong anyway?" then this may be your value-set. If you find yourself annoyed by the notion of levels it may be too. Note that level or waves here imply growth and is an inclusion hierarchy not a domination hierarchy to take a phrase form Ken Wilber.

Coaching becomes possible at this stage and trainers may prefer to call themselves "learning facilitators" or similar. In my experience many trainers are "people-people" operating from this level in largely orange organisations. This can be painful and frustrating for all involved as the green trainers are seen as "fluffy" and the orange accountant who control theirs budgets as hard, uptight or just mean.

Because green is a "sensitive" stage concerned with equality - trainers and HR managers in this role have championed diversity and inclusivity training for better and sometimes for PC worst (this is often blue orthodoxy dressed as green pluralism).

Yellow

Yellow and above are "second tier" or integral stages meaning they can start to see the truth of, and incorporate aspects of all previous value sets - moving skilfully between them. Yellow holds the view that "nobody is smart enough to be completely wrong all the time" (Ken Wilber paraphrased). This stage is a leap forward as up to this point there are "culture wars" and clashes of values in companies and between trainers and delegates. From a marketing point of view this level of operation is also great as it allows trainers to speak in the most appropriate language for their audience. Different industries tend to have differently evolves "centres of gravity" - some legal and NHS organisations in the UK are still heavily blue while charities may be more green for example. The beauty of yellow is that it can harmonise with all of these.

There are only a few training companies in the world truly using this approach though there will be more as society evolves - Fred Kofman was a pioneer in the US/South America and in the UK we (Integration Training) use this model in our leadership, management and business training.

and Above...

I'll let you know when we get there! The future's bright - the future's multi-coloured ;-)

Integral and Team Building Cartoons

2009-11-27T12:30:00.000Z

Brandy Agerbeck does cool "conceptual maps". Here are a couple of integral cartoons of Ken Wilber's quadrants specifically.

Her Belbin Team Roles one is also good for those that are interested in team building:

Colin Powell on Leadership

2009-11-26T12:30:00.000Z

Colin Powell on leadership:

Leadership Book Summaries

2009-11-25T12:30:00.000Z

Not got the time to read the classics of leadership but would like to get the gist of them? Here is a list of leadership book summaries.

Myths of Sustainable Business

2009-11-24T14:00:00.000Z

The Eight Biggest Myths about Sustainability in Business
By Vijay Kanal from the excellent Greenbiz.com

In our research, and in engagements with dozens of Fortune 1000 companies, we are sometimes surprised at the reluctance to pursue environmental sustainability initiatives, because of misconceptions about their cost or benefits. But we have also seen how some companies have embraced sustainability whole-heartedly, and are profiting from it. As a way of helping to get every company on the journey to sustainability, here are some of the most common myths we have heard from otherwise successful companies. As surprising as some of these might sound -- like the idea that there is no money to be had from sustainability efforts -- these ideas persist in companies large and small and in any industry.

1. It's a cost and we can't afford it right now
Sustainability should be considered not just because it is the right thing to do, but also because it makes business sense. If an initiative cannot be justified from a strategic, financial, operational, marketing, or employee recruitment/retention perspective, don't do it. But we have found that in almost every corner of an organization there is a fundamental business reason for being more sustainable.As Richard Goode, Director of Sustainability at Alcatel-Lucent told us recently, "In good times, sustainability can be a competitive differentiator, in lean times, it's a defensive strategy, and in really hard times, it can determine your survival." Xerox CEO Ann Mulcahey shares this view saying that being "a good corporate citizen" saved the company from bankruptcy. Refer to Myth #3 to see how companies have made money from their sustainability investments.

2. It requires lots of staff
A related myth is that sustainability efforts require a big centralized staff to drive and support. In fact, we have found the opposite to be true. At most of the leading companies we have researched, the sustainability team staff size ranged between one and four employees, even at companies as large as AT&T. The role of these groups is to work with the various functions across the organization and with senior executives, to develop a strategy, formulate goals, co-ordinate activities and report on progress. Many of the heads of sustainability we spoke with us told us that in the ideal world there wouldn't even be a need for such a group, as sustainability would be integrated into every facet of the company's operations and products. But until business reaches this ideal state, a small, centralized staff will continue to be necessary.

3. There's no money to be made from sustainability
Sustainability offers innovative firms opportunities...CONT

CSR Blog

2009-11-24T12:00:00.001Z

Good blog on CSR (corporate social responsibility) from David Coethica. Includes this video on climate change...Looks like we're all going to die unless we really get it together.

Government Grant for Stress Training

2009-11-23T11:00:00.000Z

There is currently a government grant available for stress training in the UK. The Health and Well being Grant Challenge Fund is available until 31st December 2009 so get your skates on!

From the website: for "Initiatives that improve occupational health and welfare at work. We are looking for innovative projects...You can apply for a grant of between £1,000 and £50,000...Grants of £5,000 and under will be paid in advance in full."

Integration Training's provides innovative stress management training that would certainly apply, so this is good new for me and my clients.

Corporate Intuition

2009-11-22T21:30:00.000Z

A video by my friend Alison Pothier from London about corporate intuition.

The Embodied Management Training I provide also has an intuitive element.

Jung on Death

2009-11-20T11:06:00.000Z

A classic - Jung talking about the psychology of death and belief. If this doesn't cheer you up and inspire you maybe you are dead.

Silhouette Art

2009-11-19T20:47:00.002Z

This for a change here's my friend Alison Russell from London making Silhouette Art

Live silhouette cutting from Alison Russell on Vimeo.

Business Devil

2009-11-19T11:00:00.002Z

This portrait of a business devil graffiti was spray-painted near by house on a main commuter route to Brighton station. It makes me sad as I work with business as a spiritual practice for good in the world and dislike being demonised (literally). Being in business does not make one a devil!

Of course one could see it as a business angel - the wings representing the transcendent possibilities of business - and as a piece of art I appreciate it.

What is Mood?

2009-11-18T15:35:00.002Z

What is mood? This may seem like an obvious question but think about it. Mood is immediately apparent in a company or a family- and whether we want to spend time in a place depends upon its and our mood. Moods are both individual, collective, geographically linked (e.g. Brighton feels very different from London) and historical (the mood in the recession is different from a few years ago). Mood underpins effective action and coordination in business, intimate relationships, in fact any aspect of life - and yet mood it is ill defined and not addressed by much training, development and coaching.

Influenced by training at Strozzi Institute and with Newfield (see video below) I differentiate between moods and emotions. The latter happen in response to a stimulus (e.g, I'm unhappy because the sun isn't shining today) and the former occurring over longer time frames (think of a friend with a "sunny" disposition whatever the weather). Moods occur in the body and limit or expand our options. A definition of mood that bears this in mind is: "A physical predisposition for action" - Richard Strozzi Heckler (after Fernando Flores I think).

I've found individuals and organisations moods to be a crucial factor in whether they are succeeding or failing, and in whether any training succeeds or fails. Here are some challenges relating to working with moods.

Mood is invisible from the inside
People live "in" their mood like fish live in water and our own moods are largely invisible. We constantly broadcast our own mood and pick up on other's (often unconsciously) which is a little scary if you don't know what you're broadcasting. "Explicit" conversation about mood can be very threatening to people not used to having them and the word alone can put people off if not used with care (e.g. the negative connotation of "moody")

Moods are bodily
Most training is cerebral in nature so finds it difficult to address moods which exist in the body. Of course Embodied Management Training is an exception :-)

Moods are tough to shift
Changing someones emotion is relatively easy - just give them a cake or kick them in the shins. Sadly moods are much harder to shift. Repeated practices over time and embedding someone in a community with a very different mood are two ways that work well. A critical realisation in coaching can work but a shift in cognitive understanding alone is often not enough.

In Conclusion some questions: What is your mood? What does it predispose you towards? How are you addressing mood in your organisation?

Mindfulness and PTSD

2009-11-17T11:30:00.000Z

I found this post on mindfulness and PTSD.

"One approach, which I have found particularly helpful, is a form of psychotherapy that combines mindfulness and experiential imagery, in what I call Mindfulness Meditation Therapy (http://www.mindfulnessmeditationtherapy.com/). In this approach, the client is guided to form a unique relationship with the felt-sense of the emotional trauma. The felt-sense can be defined as the general feeling tone of the experience, which is quite distinct from the complex structure of an emotional reaction and does not involve thinking, but rather sensing."

Mentoring

2009-11-16T17:54:00.001Z

Training Zone has published this article on mentoring that relates to both aikido and business training. My mentor Paul Linden and I are pictured above.

"People learn from people. People learn particularly well from people who have trodden a path before them. You can learn about something from Wikipedia, but to learn to do something of value you must have a teacher, or even better a mentor. Mentoring is one of the oldest forms of human learning (predating formal teaching and certainly coaching). For millions of years people learnt the essential skills of life from generation to generation by being shown, imitating and receiving feedback.

I first came across mentoring not in the management training world where I earn my living today, but in a much gentler field – that of the Japanese martial arts. I jest of course. The martial arts are an intense pursuit where mentors can be severe. The images of martial arts films are not far from the truth and there is no question that to learn a martial art one must have not only a teacher, but a close, almost familial, relationship with one."...