Thom Collins

It's a wrap 09

2009-06-10T01:06:00.001-05:00

It's a wrap

The update Countdown

2009-06-10T00:16:00.001-05:00

Hi Thomas Colvin I can't beleive I finally found you. OMG how long has it been since we last saw each other? Halloween 1966 the day you were born. Who would of thought our lives would have turned out this way. I always knew you had it in you, so sorry it was tough getting "OUT" and about but who wants to beat that dead horse again, not I. So GLAD we found each other do keep in touch. Love your Alter Ego Thom Collins

summer 2009

Who ME?

CIRCUS BLACKOUT

2009-02-13T18:29:00.001-06:00

http://rhaplinks.real.com/rhaplink?rhapid=5693032&type=playlist&title=Playlist&from=urge

GAY PRIDE letter 2007

2007-05-24T18:44:00.000-05:00

Get ready cause I am going to tell it like I do every year I live with this disease. Okay there are many social networking sites popping up one after another. I really would like to start a bit of a how do you say "a network of in your face, toilet face kind of people". Well them there is fighting words but there are two social networking sites with this web 2.0 craze and with my wisdom or uh long term survivor of 24 plus years if you will would like to make having this damn disease fun again. Remember the days of should I tell or should I keep quiet, or taking AZT back when it first came out and popped them with whatever PILL du jour was of the evening. Ecstasy, coke, or GHB those were fun times. But now I am still alive and in gay years should be appearing on a smuckers jam jar on the today show rather soon. So I started these two clubs/networks/gatherings/or maybe a little shock publicity if you will, Tina no I didn’t mean it...just basically called Ask the Gay with Full Blown AIDS, he-mans women haters club. No just kidding on the he-mans thing didn’t you love those little rascals? Okay I am getting off on a tangent. My point is I am not any better than any other long termed or more knowledgeable either all I am saying is I started these online support groups ala circa AOL 2.0 1994 way back in the day when I was more than a contender I was some-BODY and I do mean BODY. I am also very humble and would use to share my story with anyone who had a camera and a contract or if I was so HIGH I could keep the New York Christmas tree lit just from my teeth grinding the friction alone.oh dear tangent sorry. I would love to meet other sarcastic, dark humor, dry or quick witted and maybe a dash of evil but only enough to make us laugh without the so called object of our rejection ever knowing and the reason why I would allow it is because deep down we all know those people and we all have their numbers to put it mildly and they are most likely talking about us anyway. So does two wrongs make a right, gossip or perpetuating the catty queen behavior so many of us negative and positive still try so hard to distance ourselves from. I don’t buy it and find it insulting to our forefathers, sisters and skins to erase our "HER"itage as gay men. Please I do not want to lead on I am forgetting or addressing the rest of our community such as Lesbian, Bisexuals, and Tran gendered in this discussion but it is GLBT and Gay was put first so I am sorry about the order of who is more important but I didn’t write the write the constitution so don’t blame me write to your cable operator and start a expedition so your voice or vote will be counted and heard too and you may see change in your lifetime. I doubt it but keep up the good fight because no one cause is more important than mine and learning how to MILK and mingle is hard to master but I know there has to be a few of you left out there in the big world wide web who is still struggling to survive hanging on with not a t cell to spare, you know who you are and I am the HIV/AIDS Internet community crier, but I am literally crying. And frankly I like the word fag but I was out of town and missed that vote but I can live with gay. So beyond ignorant just thinking of the many gorgeous men I had encountered in many aspects meaning encounter could be easily replaced with whatever word you could dream up, my point being those pretty boyz who would get pinched if you were having fun laughing out loud and refer to them as GIRL, go get mama a drink. Well you would think the world had just come to an end, I am not your girl I am a guy thank you. uggghhhhh barf whatever and I suppose everybody who is shirtless and dancing the night away with sweat glistening off their nipple but their nose has not a bit of shine, powdered down to perfection. In many cases powdered down in more ways than one. Oh and one more thing these are the type of gay men who only do drag on Halloween but their costumes are planned a year ahead of time and they usually start shopping in the early spring. Plus have you ever noticed there is always a pair of size 12 pump placed so it is not seen, but not so hidden it can’t be busted out one evening when she is feeling pretty. Halloween but their costumes are planned a year ahead of time and they usually start shopping in the early spring. Plus have you ever noticed there is always a pair of size 12 pump placed so it is not seen, but not so hidden it can’t be busted out one evening when she is feeling pretty. Okay now with this vivid description out of the way Okay now with this vivid description out of the way it is important to understand why I mentioned looking for others with a little bit of catty and a dash of evil just enough to be able to laugh at someone else’s faux pas at the cost of complete humiliation. But it has been my experience, training, and most of all survival skills taught by situations of Vile and terror only to be clocked or read by the nearest drag queen or a pre op transsexual incognito there to read my beads and put me in my place. What the hell does this all mean, I am alive For a couple of damn good reasons and one of them is a sense of humor, though a bit dark, misunderstood, rude, judgmental, insecure, and the typical Miss Thing behavior we all have tried in vain to run away from, but deep down we love it and if you don’t love it your lying or you are no good at it. Good at what you ask? Well if you have to ask then you will never be good at it. Sure we all are born with gaydar and our lesbian sisters know their way around power tools if everyone would just stop, think for a frickin minute before sputtering out drunk, sober, or otherwise something stupid and/or politically charged by resorting to the same old basic middle school labels and parent taught stereotypes who would we have to laugh at? I mean I own the word FAG and I take the power out of this hate language and use it to refer to friends as a term of endearment to my “homie-sexual’s” We are living in a time when words hurt and that saddens me. If you are flying in the gay world solo not having the tools of being able to protect yourself with a quick witted comeback or the reading of someone’s beads back at em if they dare try it on you. Okay so you are not good at playing stupid little name calling games or reading someone’s “beads” by clocking and calling them out on a bad fashion mistake when it wouldn’t have made a difference. OMG a tear the finale of The Real World Denver and Brooke’s final confessional has made me rethink this whole short story essay, application, shout out, blog post whatever it is I can honestly say just like Brooke said I feel alive, I didn’t when I started this adventure but I feel alive now. So on that note and rude thought interruption we will refocus back to my story that is by far more important and a whole complete life lesson worth of knowledge. Where was I oh yeah it wouldn’t have made a difference it was already way too late for your friend to change. Okay so your best friend visiting from back home is wearing and working this trendy neon green button down shirt which looks faboo on his oh so buff, tall, masculine frame, some brand new jeans etc. However as hot as he looked and he knew it too just happened to be in every setting is it mood lighting, or a quick stop at the stink pot fluorescent lighting gas station? Hi how are you here, hey what’s up nice to meet you there all just made me sick…so fake you think your friend is just a little to cute for his own words. So just say for example this best girlfriend is taking you out to a new hot bar he has been too and knows it has nothing but black lighting. So you are not just noticed you are seen for at least a mile and half, hell you could land planes you are a walking living breathing glow stick. True story, so embarrassing and humiliating for him I can still remember him begging me to go somewhere else but I couldn’t the night was planned weeks in advance unlike his obvious outfit disaster. I was treating one of my back home girlfriends to a night out in the one and only West Hollywood. Well she was taller than me and had less body fat and it wasn’t like I slept with her boyfriend on their 4-week anniversary, I at least waited until the next day. Duh I am not so evil I would make someone cry just for a laugh at their expense, well maybe an uncomfortable pause or embarrassed face on the verge of crying but just a whimper isn’t so bad. Now if he was to bust out in a full spray of unadulterated tear fests then at this point I have no other choice but to write her off right then and there severe all ties and act as if I have no idea who this person is. I mean I do have a reputation to protect. Years of crawling and scraping my way through my sugar daddy’s wallet did not come as easy as I had hoped and was taught in daddy’s money 101 by my drag mother a pre op transsexual named Mindy, ah hell it is all in the book. Well to sum it up in the early to mid 90’s I resided and ruled the world of WeHO’s OZ for almost 3 full terms because as you most likely know 15 minutes is all anyone gets to reign supreme in LA’s world gay world of the Circuit. I was blessed those memorable early youthful years doing charity work for International Male/Playgirl centerfold/Men’s workout oh please all those tired but important quest items are needed if you are questing for this particular title/goal I was working so hard for. The ability to be talked about in front of my face but most of all the coveted talking behind my back is double the points of brilliance because good or bad you are so important all press is better than no press at all. Yeah I coined the phrase just like Janice Dickinson was the first supermodel of the world. So moonlighting as a Go Go boy to put myself through beauty school to make something of my life before I got too old I mean I was already pushing 25 and having HIV at this point for almost 10 years I was working it like nobody else should. The point of this monologue, prayer, mantra, whatever is if you are going to be a Crybaby Crenshaw you need to grow up get a life so I can make fun of it laughing out loud and thinking to myself you may be taller and have a little less body fat but my AIDS has way more I mean a butt load, no pun intended more t cells than you buster so just remember no matter how hard you try my immune system is 10 times stronger than yours. Wimps, wannabe’s need not apply and btw don’t be surprised if this story is basically posted on every site you see this is one of those posts. My thesis, my drama, my junk for the week filled with love and sharing bubbles of health and bullshit. I am hungry bye

GAY PRIDE letter 2007

2007-05-24T18:33:00.000-05:00

Homosexual thou art in Heaven

2006-09-05T12:50:00.000-05:00

I had gotten this very touching letter today whose name I will withold and realized the work I had done with Gays and God was still reaching out to others. So attached is the link to my "ancient" website-1995 still up and still helping others.
God Be with you all,
Thom collins

I too was saved in the Baptist church, at VBS. As years went by, my
sisters and I stopped going, but I still had a burning inside, so we
started to go to another Baptist church. One of my sisters had been
baptized there, and the other sister had her first marriage there. I
never did get baptized there. I knew I was attracted to other males
from at least the 6th grade, but didn't know what it meant. In high
school I finally learned about homosexuality but didn't know where to
meet any. At 23 I went to a Pentecostal church for five years. I did
get baptized there. Towards the end of the five years was when I had
my first gay experience (not with someone from the church). I tried to
talk to the Deacon that was over the ushers (I was lay head of the
ushers, as well as worked in the bus ministry). He was always too
busy. Finally, on New Years Eve 1980, after midnight service, he
invited me home with his family, and then he wanted to discuss my
problems. I never went back to that church. I still consider myself a
born again Christian, but have not found a church I am comfortable in
(I won't go just for the sake of going, I need for the message to speak
to me). I did find an online group that I visit from time to time
called Gay Christian Outreach. It is an MSN group. It is led by a
young gay man named Brandon, who studied to be a minister at the
Assemblies of God school in Springfield, MO. He does maintain some of
the strictness taught by the Evangelicals - such as pornography is
bad, even if you are single.

There also is a Southern Gospel singer who 'came out' but then had to undergo a public cleansing
because no one in the Christian recording industry wanted to have anything to do with him. So now
he considers himself to be an ex-gay (he must be living as great a hell on earth as when he was hiding
his homosexuality).

#1 Fetus

2006-06-30T12:38:00.000-05:00

#1 Fetus

celebrity terrorist.: BRITNEY SPEARS DOES 'HARPER'S BAZAAR'

2006-06-29T03:01:00.000-05:00

celebrity terrorist.: BRITNEY SPEARS DOES 'HARPER'S BAZAAR'

Two EW writers try to become viral-video stars

2006-06-18T20:42:00.000-05:00

Two EW writers try to become viral-video stars

"Don't Hate the Playa, Hate the Game."

2006-02-01T16:23:00.000-06:00

www.thomcollins.com

Thom Collins 2006

Got AIDS?

Barbie Bitchin!

Lego of my Ego!

Happy AIDS are here again.

DivaStated?

Friendster: Thom Collins

All I can say in my defense over the years is living with HIV and Fighting AIDS (O.I's) on a daily basis growing older with T cells few and far between is my heart was in the right place to keep all of my Internet connections starting with the infamous for it's time www.thomcollins.com and my ever popular AOL days back when it was not mainstream in 1994 as thompoz@aol.com. Strange typing that handle it has been a long time. Friends I had made through my HIV/AIDS meetings on sundays in the AOL forums back in the mid 90's. Some of them found me upon leaving the world wide web scene after taking a toll on my sanity. Soon thereafter my HIV virus I had lived with for close to 15 years from intial contact in 1983 decided it was time to "rock my world" and boy has it. Both David and I are struggling through some very difficult times along with some very memorable life lessons learned if not gone through what I did at a certain point in my disease. Have you ever felt like everyone is against you or what else can happen. Sooner or later you are on your knees to your God/Higher power begging for help for you are a broken spirit and need help back into the light. For those Contacts, Friends, and Charity work made through the years I can only be grateful and make no promises as to response. I do try and I get really angry when carpel tunnell wont allow it or feeling nauseated from the anti virals.
Anyway, we will be in touch.

"Fashion passes, style remains." -- Coco Chanel (1883-1971), founder of Chanel

2006-02-01T14:58:00.000-06:00

I am amazed at how all of a sudden 2 blogs I started last year are getting so many comments. Besides fighting AIDS on a daily basis, I just returned from holiday after the 1st of 2006 getting an exploded gall bladder removed. You have no idea of the pain. Since starting my webpage back in 1994 www.thomcollins.com then E mails, Friendster, Blogs of all shapes and sizes, and finally my new home Myspace.com is or was next to insane thinking in my condition I could keep them all updated let alone interesting.

So thank you for the comments good and bad for no one loves a good debate more than me.

Only the one that hurts you can make you feel better.
Only the one that inflicts the pain can take it away.
"Poor is the man who's pleasures depend on the permission of another?"
God B
TC

Preach Preacher

2005-03-18T03:42:00.000-06:00

I was getting ready to use my beta test past for Guild wars at 12:01 PST Friday morning when living in central time had the TV on in the backroom. Man on fire with Denzel Washington came on and at the top of the movie though I was not paying it any attention. I noticed a caption for this biblical scripture.

New testament scripture Romans chapter 12 verse 21

You can read the link and interpret for yourself, it seems our society is embracing it's religious roots to some's dismay. Frankly, if there was something to debate about I much rather spread the word of God's love and my obsession living as a Closet Jesus Freak. God speaks to all of us in mysterious ways and he did just that tonight for me by catching my attention for a split second to notice this scripture. It made me look it up and remember the comfort, love, and faith bible study use too and still does give me. What a glorious Palm Sunday weekend gift from above. I couldn't ask for anything more, ironically my last post was about being depressed over Easter weekend and my glory days as a celebrated circuit queen. I still miss and cherish those days, but we all can't stay young forever. Will talk soon

[Listening to: Smalltown Boy - Bronski Beat - Bronski Beat (09:01)]

2004-06-24T00:16:00.000-05:00

This letter was written for the 10 anniversary edition for POZ, if you saw it don't worry you didn't miss much. Below is an updated account going on in my life today.

Dearest Lucile,
I appreciate you and your deadline that is why I have broken it into questions you requested answering them to the best and shortest my drama would allow. Please PULL what information here that you feel fits the layout and project. Aside from this massive amount of information I have to say Thank You for this 50 word or less update. I realize it is not my birthday nor is it all about me knowing this Q&A will not appear in its entirety if anything maybe a sidebar update depending on what you decide. I needed to write this not only for POZ 10 th birthday, but I needed to write this for me. .

MY only request from POZ is knowing if anything a 1/3 rd will appear as an update, wanting to offer those that have followed and still do inquire information about my health would like since appearing in POZ cover story in Feb/March 1995.

Please include my website www.thomcollins.com and personal E-mail address thomcollins@cox.net over anything else written here. I am not asking for a computer link to your site just my typed web address &E-mail for your readers. It would mean the world to me to include that information. When your office has time sending me via E-mail one POZ banner to add to my web sites links page would be icing on the cake.

Finally, sending Sean, his sister/family our warmest regards and prayers. Reading his profiled story last month helped David tremendously with questions and concerns he was having personally. He could relate with Sean's story and he too now shared a POZ article with his Doctor.

Sean Strub is a hero for this magazine's creation and I have always considered him mentor/friend.

My past was covered by POZ in 1995, what came next is what you see here .

Are you in a relationship?

I am 38 living with my beloved partner David for 20+ years calling home Oklahoma City. Our business's Home Care Options, Preferred Medical Services Inc., along with our Hospices. 1994 up until late 1998 our foundation Open Your Heart met all of it's objectives and more including an HIV/AIDS Clinic, support groups, medications, and a “frat” like house promised for PWA's opened not only 1 but 2. My life has made a 360 since we last spoke and putting all this information into perspective is easy, though living with and loving someone with AIDS is very hard. I know it is your birthday POZ and I am truly happy to celebrate your success. I can remember a time when there almost was no more POZ. You gave me the opportunity to share my story with others and through that exposure allowed me to travel, educate, meet incredible people, begin to learn what AIDS activism really meant, the good the bad and the very ugly. Looking back today my story is anything but unique, sadly it seems to be much more common than ever before.

They say it is better to give than to receive, I guess that depends on who you ask. The early to mid nineties were the best of times and the worst of my life. Physically, spiritually, mentally, and financially all flourished or so it seemed. After POZ came out in Feb/March 1995 I almost lost David later that year from a deadly form of VZV. It took him almost 2 years to recover but in the process he, our company, and life with HIV would take a drastic turn for the worse. Watching him go through that after years of living with HIV this event was my wake up call having my first realization that AIDS had come knocking on our door. Even though he was recuperating insisted I go to L.A. to do the Leeza Gibbons show with the agency I was with, Proof Positive to shed some positive light along with others living with the virus.

Have there been any major changes in your life since appearing on POZ's cover Feb/March 1995?

When my story in POZ Feb/March 1995 came out within a month Keith Lewis of “Proof Positive” a division of the Morgan Modeling agency asked to represent me. He prepared me for what was to come, mainly the talk show circuit here and in Canada. The whirlwind of press, conferences, magazines, appearances, and Talk shows soon followed. Soon thereafter in November 1995's The Advocate coined the phrase Thom Collins-HIV Supermodel suddenly realized this is not what I had anticipated nor was prepared for. All of this “sensational press” came from an appearance on Phil Donahue's show dealing with AIDS and individuals like myself making it look sexy being HIV positive and then later accused of “Glamorizing the Disease”. Sadly my message of “I am HIV positive, I have no time to be negative” or why can't people with HIV/AIDS be HEALTHY while still looking or being in touch as sexual beings got lost in the shuffle.

If you look back before 1995 drug companies were not running “pretty boy” ads they so often run now, though a bit toned down and more realistic. If I may be so bold and not to be taken as egotistical my apologies to any and all offended if I had anything to do with starting or participating in the low point of the drug company's ad campaigns, this was and never my intention. Speaking of our drug therapies for HIV/AIDS won't be a worry for you to read. As you see by the questions you gave me and the time of this being sent to you attempting try to discuss some of the new PI's and HARRT therapies we are on, tried, and a certain AZT who fried my joints taking for those early miracle drug years would not be possible. For it is almost 6am Monday morning, OKC time, &7am NYC time. This was just to be proof read so I will spare you all my thoughts, experience, and to date any and all drug history.

Are you still involved with the Open your Heart foundation?

With the release of POZ, the story helped my community in Oklahoma City launch my AIDS foundation “Open your heart” with a loud roar! Sadly but not without a fight the foundation is inactive today. The foundation helped lay the “foundation” for our Ryan White Clinics in Oklahoma City. The new weekly client count and the active client count provided the needed required numbers for obtaining a grant from Ryan White to fund development of our HIV, AIDS clinic in Oklahoma City and Tulsa. Not bitter it was sad watching other foundations that shall remain nameless try to obtain our patients list, this is the politics of the disease that shocked me more than testing positive. I thought we all were fighting this disease together? Who knew charities are big business and compete as if they were fortune 500 companies? Reality check, not happy. Known to be outspoken yes, but a whining, complaining, needy or pitiful is not my style. I hope it does not come across as such, for if it does I am much sicker than I thought. This is not just about my struggle, but my partners, my families/friends, our doctors, the system, faith in a higher power, charities, and you POZ the magazine of the decade.

Updates from my Interview with Hal for POZ?

A Recap if I may:

From the time of David's illness in 1995, myself and our staff tried to keep our business' afloat, at 15 his son did move in with us, OYH fnd inc just taking off, doing my best to please others, driving his son and daughters to school, all the while trying to balance my fast paced lifestyle along with my own health issues. Answering our kids questions, along with the gay/mainstream publics through my speaking, website, appearances, print and E-mails. Living, breathing, eating, talking, arguing, worrying, feeling, hurting and to top it off have HIV/AIDS 24/7 working within the politics of the disease was my job and my reality. There was no escape, but I wanted to make change and fought as hard as I could. I don't want to die and I don't like to fail. I do accept it is better to try than not to try at all.

However, what is “managing” my disease? I am no different, held at the same standard, filling out endless forms, needing assistance, looking for help/charity and not ashamed of it. Surviving is one thing, but living with it is another. Progressing to AIDS was obviously the next step, unless hit by a car. David who just got over VZV now had another bout with shingles a year later. His 6-foot frame at 220 lbs then, today he is a frail 170. I then at 5'10 170 lbs., 8% body fat, today is 220 lbs of crippled doughnuts. More on this further down.

In October of 1999 was my first ride in an ambulance. I collapsed and unable to walk I was admitted to the hospital for a 5-day visit. I went on a quest to find out what was happening to me. Various physicians ordered X-rays, MRI's, Bone Scans and other extensive testing both as an outpatient and inpatient. Some of the tests indicated severe signs of joint deterioration coupled with arthritis and neuropathy. However, no real solid diagnosis on why I was unable to walk without a cane/wheelchair to walk. It was only getting worse. With all the negative press Pain Management was getting 2 years ago/present my Dr and family friend Dr. Roger Pickett listened to my concerns upon my bi-weekly cortisone injections in my knees, hips, ankles, and elbow visits, read the article POZ did on “AVN” about two years ago. After reading the article he referred me for some additional testing. I emphasize HIV infection since often HIV itself is talked about as if it is a benign virus in and of itself. Far too many people believe an HIV infected person remains at 100% until O.I.'s begin to occur. The diagnostic tests revealed nerve damage compatible with AVN and other problems related to long term HIV infection. Diagnosed 3 years ago with AVN and my options running out was referred to Dr. Kent Smalley, my now Neurologist and getting the best care possible.

. For 2004 both David and I have had the poorest test results since learning of our HIV status. I hate the numbers game and always will. For those playing the numbers ours to date this year are CD4 is 180 VL 200,000 for Thom and CD4 of 108 with a VL 300,000 for David.

Along with Dr. Douglas Haynes my Private Physician, Dr. Clifford Wlodaver-Infectious Disease, Dr. Robert Redmindino-Neuro Surgeon, and Dr. Wayne Weissmuller also top Neurologist. There are so many great doctors I had to mention them by name. With their permission of course.

. Physicians now recognize that HIV itself causes slow, relentless damage with the most obvious dramatic drop in CD4 count and increasing Viral Load. Surgery is the only “cure” for AVN and even then the results are not consistently predictable. I prefer to hip replacement at this time. Dr. Smalley's office along with every other doctor mentioned Nurses/staff have all been not just valuable but my support system to date. They all have helped us in many ways only to continue to be a top source of good care and reliable information. I am very fortunate to have a good and caring physician like Dr. Smalley, who was no longer taking patients but took a chance on me.

When you begin to feel like your dying inside the disease takes on a new meaning, the shock and trauma of just testing positive takes over your very being is a whole new ballgame unless ill prepared for what is claimed to be inevitable, DEATH! But hey you could die not wearing a seatbelt or so they claim. I knew something was wrong and I couldn't make excuses anymore.

How is your career?

OK! Open Your Heart Foundation, Inc. and our for profit operations we had no other choice but to close all of our companies and Open your heart as well. Both David's and my staff during some pretty tough times trying to keep things afloat we will always be grateful. You can only ask employees so many times to let hold their checks. Nevertheless, David was the man behind the curtain he was the company and soon we all realized it. Growing up AIDS and realizing life would not be the same.

David gets a new job, the official form completer for the both of us, the official Patient Assistance Program monitor, resource locator and of course the endless page/puzzle/scavenger hunt they call an application there was the SSA – SSDI application process.

David was approved for SSDI in late 1998 and my application approved 2001. My first SSDI, CDR, Continued Disability Review was just this last October. Saying fortunately my medical documentation supported the continued disability status and very fortunately this information was adequately conveyed to SSA and they granted approval for continuing my benefits. Not everyone is this fortunate and often SSA will terminate benefits during the review process. I can only imagine the terror of loosing sole source income, Medicare, medication, no money to hire an attorney to represent you during the CDR process. Attorneys are much more readily available during the initial application process with SSA for SSDI than during a CDR with SSA. The stress alone of dealing with our own charity, medication programs, and the endless amount of paperwork was and is a full time job.

Both David and I were disappointed, if not upset, with one of POZ's cover stories. It was titled “DISABILITY QUEENS ”. David was actually offended and found the information in the article more fiction than fact. Controversy is good and part of what makes POZ great! The stir for debate and discussion is always healthy and educational. However, if you have HIV / AIDS, lost your job and income is not very regal and certainly not the any regal queen I know would choose to live! Sorry to go on about this one, but it struck a sore spot. On a lighter note there are those guardian angels that came out of nowhere sent by GOD to help, love, and support us in that scary time of limbo between no income and SSDI approval. They know who they are and I am humbled by their ability to give without terms

Now we with SSDI, Ryan White, DHS, CarePoint, compassionate care programs, Other Options Food Bank, HOPWA, Case Workers, caring specialists, and supportive Doctors. Additionally individuals that contacted me and have unselfishly provided great assistance to David and me. Several of these people I met online have developed into very real friendships that I will forever be grateful.

I know things may get more difficult. Today things are manageable, however, I can assure a career choice!

Not a day goes by without me giving thanks given to the glory of God for help keeping a roof over our heads, food in our stomach, compassionate doctors around and most importantly a continuation to the ever changing Tom and David story. Having each other is a blessing. They say what one puts out into the world will come back full circle. I am living proof.

Are you still Modeling or Dancing?

This was by pure coincidence during my last visit for 3 modeling gigs in NYC September 1999 I have not left Oklahoma since. Anyway, the POZ editor in the mid 90's was a Mr. Richard Perez-Feria, call it fate, but as I went to my go see for a shoot with GYM/BURN magazine upon my interview it was Richard Perez Feria, their editor at the time. Just coming off of my MTV's True Life feature on God and Gays he told me that I would be featured and he agreed to let me share my progression to AIDS. Once again my POZ exposure helped, this time through connections. I told him what was going on and what had changed. However, when it came out 3 months later it was not what I thought it would be. Thinking the truth would be told or updated I was so happy to share this information after all the press I had done up until this point. The pictures were great, and the interviewer was great. Another “Fluff Piece” concerning my workouts, my diet and frankly, I expected something better. Richard Perez-Feria did take a chance with my HIV status and my sexual orientation with a supposed “straight” magazine. The story only spoke of my body living with HIV knowing full well I was living with AIDS. I guess HIV is OK, but not that AIDS thing! If I hit the stage or tried to model today, eek, my ego, my alter ego both would rebel. Thom Collins, Circuit Queen of the Desert, dancer from the dance atop the male dancer signature black box at Fire Islands Morning Party 1998 and not least of all the title, not self imposed, “L.A.'s Hottest Transi-Dancer”.
Looking across a sea of dancing shirtless beauties while I waited patiently for the D.J to spin the hot song of the moment “Say A Little Prayer For You”. At the time you couldn't ask for a more perfect song felt deeply by so many. Like the Dancer from the Dance conveying emotions from myself with them joined in harmony.

Okay cue Drama Queen, 1 2 3 GO!

A moment not a cloud in the sky, a moment so personal captured in time could not have been any more magical. As that song beat began to mix into the next each second phasing out the prior song I can hear Diana King belting out those words, I hear it, SAY A LITTLE PRAYER FOR YOU! Known at some circuit events as a booked act, my best work was never planned or booked as the entertainment. Known for Impromptu performances I ran like a banshee to that 7x5 black box. The Entertainment booked at the event, knew me, and pulled me atop the box giving me center stage. Doing my best hop, spin, and a twirl all-trying to be as fierce as my drag would allow, I knew this was the end for me. Always and forever grateful for my years not overdosing, arrested, date raped and most important being named as “Circuit Royalty” as OUT magazine labeled me 2 months prior in one of that years scandalous stories on Where do people with HIV/AIDS go to die? South beach their grave of choice, beautiful yes-affordable NO! It was one's perspective on living the HIV/AIDS circuit/beach blanket gymbo's 0 responsibility living on unemployment/Life insurance-SSDI benefits. It was flattering to me, but I had no idea of the fight that lay ahead of me. Getting close to the end, Tom gets back to the tales .

You bet your ass I felt like royalty, but if not for the circuit crowds themselves I could have been just another dick in the wall. My passion was to Dance/Entertain when in reality it was much deeper than that it was about wanting to be LOVED. Sure, I loved to dance and would like to think a bit talented, however dancing took on new meaning for me, and the crowds after POZ came out including all that followed my dance/performance took on new meaning. People can remember, trash, or call it what they will but nothing beats or moves ones very soul while dancing with the gay community. God is everywhere you want him to be and everywhere else.

It's strange how life chooses good and bad moments to reflect upon. Ones good times are maybe another's bad time. We all remember things differently as they happened “high” or otherwise. I was working my sobriety for almost 2 years by that point and had some bumps in the road, but that weekend was real, reflective, and a time for me to realize not only my mortality along with what was to come, but to bow out gracefully and not remembered as 1 old tired, washed up dancer from the dance as fast as I can't, say “goodbye” to that chapter in my life. No announcements to others on the circuit as to my decision, but to say see you in Pensacola, Fla Labor Day Weekend Circuit event next month. Knowing I was getting sick, and I had a great run and careers that of “International Playgirl centerfold Model, 1983-1998 male “Dancier Extraordinaire”, 15 yrs performing for women with the Chippendales, traveling to every GAY club USA, to my infamous alter ego Transi-Drag Queen romp and roll, Easter Weekend White Party Palm Springs 1990 . Rolling my socks off on 2 sweet X-tasy's a flowing while my obsession with Madonna's Vogue became my signature song, then to be forever immortalized in celluloid's Dirk Shafer's Man of the Year , yeah it was great. All of these memories flooding my head as I walked back up the long boardwalk alone realizing I have no place to stay, NO seriously this was my first visit to Fire Island. FIRE ISLAND! The legend, the myth, the history. Feeling my life experiences rich and yet with some degree of sadness present. During the visit to Fire Island I felt as though my life had come full circle. Hal Rubenstein titled my story in POZ “Dancer From The Dance,” after a book with the same name, a story about gay men, and their love affair with Fire Island's energy, sex, and dance. To be quite honest he said that book smart I am not, dancer from the dance was the 3 rd book I had ever read and continue to read today. Thank you Hal

Have there been any momentous or interesting changes, accomplishments, or important years?

The filming of my True Life documentary with MTV on God and Gays shared with the public my spiritual beliefs along with video of my becoming a “reborn” Christian with the full all white Gautier draped baptism that just happen to fall on Gay Pride Sunday 1997. Before it aired my hometown newspaper did a story on it, never knowing it was going to be front-page news. My church and pastor with whom I loved dearly turned their back on me and to this day have never truly healed from. My Trust once again being tested and I was loosing it faster than my T-Cells. I was and still am very proud of the work MTV and I put together.

I spoke candidly about the 5 most important things in one's life and at the time it went something like this:

• God

• Health

• Family

• Friends

• Work

If any of those were askew your life could and most likely would be unmanageable. God is a huge part of my life. My love and faith in Jesus Christ on a daily basis is truly my strength. Sadly, one of my strengths was my family. My family and I are like a bad Jerry Springer show being estranged now for about five years, not having seen nor spoken to them. All moved out of Oklahoma, moving forward with their lives and my brother and sister having biological children relate to my parents more than ever before. Having kids myself, though not biological I didn't relate to the vicious cycle I could see playing out again from my childhood but with my nephews and nieces.

My friends are few and far between. Sick people are not fun to party with. When you are sick, very quickly friendships/family/relationships will separate and define your real friends from the acquaintances. Estrangement of my own family exacerbated by my illness or perhaps their inability to accept me being sick. Unfortunately fair weather families exist like fair weather friends.

What is in a title HIV – AIDS – AIDS – HIV, actually quite a bit with these anachronisms disguised as tiles? I am stunned how ignorant many people are concerning HIV and AIDS. Perhaps most people are as “progressive” as they might believe. The public, people in general, do not want to listen to sad, pitiful, depressing stories concerning AIDS.

So much work remains and must get done about and concerning HIV and AIDS.

. My word count exceeding 50 words and my 15 minutes both famous and fabulous puts me in an unattainable position. All jokes aside I hope you enjoy reading this as I did writing it. If anything I hope parts of it made you smile and realize you are part of the big picture too. Just you working at POZ are helping educate millions of people through your work. Thank you for your efforts.

This very LONG letter was written at the first of this year, I promise you there is more to come on this topic...

2003-09-11T16:23:00.000-05:00

First and foremost my prayers are with those family's that lost loved ones this tragic day in the USA, however my thoughts are also with families around the world who are suffering great loss and I ask upon GOD to protect our troops in combat. This is my prayer Sept 11, 2003

Get ready soon it will be time to not only read my thoughts, but to hear and see them as well.

2003-07-09T15:10:00.000-05:00

Its all about watching Big Brother 4. They have a 7 day trial run to watch the most improved camera's in the house. Sorry about being offline, have been bedbound due to lower back muscle spasm. Just getting back into the groove.CBS.COM

2003-07-07T04:17:00.000-05:00

my new banner

2003-06-26T21:46:00.000-05:00

Please be Patient while Blogger Migrates to their new version , something wonderful is upon us all.

2003-06-21T03:59:00.000-05:00

My sincere apologies on the "breakage of the linkage" here on this blog, soon will be fixed.Status.Blogger.Com

2003-06-21T03:56:00.000-05:00

I am having issue with Blogger, so just cut and paste Kabala.org and visit if you like. Play safe

2003-06-21T03:54:00.000-05:00

Please try and visit this site and donate if you like. Happy Happy GAYS are here again, the sky outside is QUEER again, NO more hateful words like FAG again, Happy times, Happy days....Happy AIDS are here AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2003-06-21T03:50:00.000-05:00

HAPPY GAY PRIDE 2003!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Phonetic: " O'hev mu'sar o'hev da'at. "

Translation: He who loves morals loves knowledge.

Meaning:

He who accepts constructive criticism and judgment and listens to it with acceptance and attentiveness, his wisdom, knowledge and morals will only be enhanced and flourish.

In order to find the real meanings of words sometimes said in a harsh way one should have the ability to dismantle criticism and take its sharp edge off.

The way to achieve this is by eliminating the defenses of our ego and listening to the spoken words without giving them a personal subjective meaning.
Doing so will enable us to gain the moral and wisdom engulfed within these words while enriching our soul and practicing the virtue of vanity

2003-05-05T04:32:00.000-05:00

Dearest Bloggers,

Please, before you read, know that what accomplishments I may have had or press I may have received this last decade by no means expected to move to the front of the line or for that matter have this story or part thereof published. I can't hide from who I once was and only ask to be treated as someone that has grown from his immaturity to his now loving spirit. Looking back at my carelessness of "living in the moment" and not planning for the future HIV/AIDS not included. Maybe, I would have become a Veterinarian or Zoologist and not just a Playgirl Centerfold. Maybe I would have graduated and not become Mr. Gay Texas 1986, or Maybe gone to College instead of becoming the Infamous Circuit party Go Go Queen Diva Deluxe, Thom Collins....??????

Thom Collins then:
24 years old
5'10
175lbs
8% body fat
Italian 8 inches/bottom

Thomas Colvin NOW:
36 years old
5'10
220 lbs
26% body fat

Still Italian, but using a 4 foot cane not looking forward to a wheelchair as I fight A.V.N. an OI from AIDS

The point of that above is not to humiliate myself or be ashamed of what I have done with my life up until this point. But in some ways hoping that this story will somehow express that LOOKING GOOD, and FEELING GREAT is not the norm, unless of course you are "high" in some way. Getting older in our community is something I never imagined I would be feeling for statistics show I should be dead by now. Living in the GYM may have helped my immune system and my career at the time, but soon becoming a "juice pig" for lowering Testorone levels proved I could attain my goal in keeping a HOT 6 pack AB body into my 30's and with a good plastic surgeon into my 40's being able to play amongst the youngsters just coming out. However as tragic as it sounds if my life was only filled with drug induced weekends, the next Circuit party weekend, another Cocktail social Queer as Folk blow out, the Barebacking chronicles, or GHB on parade then I would beg someone to put me out of my misery. I am not judging anyone here in this article who are in, looking for, or are very happy with themselves and the loving friends we soon come to know as "our family" in this wonderful, glorious, exciting, and ever changing GLBT community.

But, for those of you planning, hoping, praying, and not Slaving, Paying, or Miss behaving for relationships that are REAL, have TRUE LOVE for another MAN, and maybe help inspire you to STOP along the way by taking a chance on a one night stand for it is NEVER worth it in the end. I am here to tell you to wake up, be realistic, stop being so self involved, get a bit of GOD/spiritual in your life, stop gossiping, listen to others, to stop talking all the time and let others speak for you might learn something, and maybe setting your goals for MR. RIGHT around other things besides his pecs or size of his Dick. If you are serious about LOVE and care about having a "prince charming" in your life then listen up. We all want to find LOVE, we all want to be in LOVE, we all NEED to be LOVED. But the only way to Find, Be, and Need/GIVE is to begin LOVING yourself. So many of us today are Self Haters and don't even realize it. Though it has been almost 4 years since leaving the scene I am sure it has not changed much. We treat ourselves like trash and allow the "evils" of our community to get into our personal lives. Drugs, Sex, over-indulgence breeds irresponsibility. When you are irresponsible starting with calling in late to work to finally not showing up, then you are just rehearsing for trouble with forming TRUST in your relationships sexual and otherwise along the way. Dare I say taking chances and putting yourself at risk for STD's and you know Papa AIDS.

Okay, so maybe I am preaching to the choir but I use to sing that tune too. I wouldn't change anything in my life past or present except maybe planning on living past 30 would have helped in more ways than one. Feeling sorry for yourself gets you and everyone you know feeling nothing but pity for you as time goes by, Living with AIDS and trying to keep what friendships you thought you had with so many you loved and trusted, only to find out you must have been nuts to think the people you call friends are going to baby-sit you or take you to the doctors was only a dream or real in the movies. But I am not bitter....How could one not be? It sucks having this disease, no pills can make it manageable or for that matter Bearable, your family finally accepts you or so you thought until you bring home your letter jacket but it is not that kind of letter jacket but the one with every acronym known to man. HIV, AZT, AIDS, A.V.N, PCP, CMV etc. Then it is off to taking care of yourself. All of this has a point and overtime I stop to send this letter I think of something else. Forgive me..

Just knowing that you are still requesting letters/stories for other book projects if I am too late for this one makes it seem worth it. I was pleased to read you will be taking stories after the deadline for other books/projects. This project came to my attention a month ago via E mail and it couldn't have come at a better time. Sharing my story or stories over and over again in print/TV/ and in person with HIV/AIDS seminars during the mid to late 90's. Long story short small town boy moves to big time city to become a STAR. Naturally, having what seems to be cliché stereotypical, theatrical story or shall I say hasn't everyone been the aspiring Go-GO boy ( in 1983 Oklahoma we called it Male Dancing) under the legal age only to be found out by family of my sexual preference, then tossed out of my house to live my decadent lifestyle with all the "has/has been's", the "what/what nots" and my personal favorite the "sin/sinners". Why of course, that lifestyle had my name written all over it. Ironically, 20 years ago this month I can remember one of the most popular girls having a crush on me and I as well. Loving to dance, I worshipped the Pom Pom girls and stayed after school to watch them practice from 8th grade up. But there are no boy Pom Pom girls. So my junior year of High school looked into becoming the first High School Male cheerleader my senior year. With that said it was around this time planning my junior prom with this Head Cheerleader as we began our decent off cloud nine after busting a move or two for our Schools Talent Extravaganza with our dance routine, strobe lights and all called "Punk-Funk" that basically was the highlight of the 4 hour show that was not only well received from my peers, but the Newspapers as well. This was my first taste of being an entertainer/dancer/actor and with the semi strip tease in the performance I knew what I wanted to do. But had no idea I would do just that and so very much more.

Going to Junior Prom with my dance partner, months earlier just beginning to date even though everyone in school had called me a fag, queer, pillow biter, etc. all the old school slang that haunted me for years not to mention being terrorized of daily beatings from male classmates while the girls including my date for prom found me cute, not to mention rumor has it I was a good kisser. Always denying I was gay since my family moved us here to Edmond, Oklahoma when I was in the 6th grade but knew I was different deep down inside. Maybe it was because I got my first sexual lesson 4 years earlier in the basement of 3 local teenagers who taught me how to play Strip poker. Now that I am older it is safe to say that sucking someone's pee pee for having 3 queens instead of a royal flush was a bit confusing and why I lost so many times. But I liked it, even though I ran home in horror that these 3 teenagers in my "hood" took advantage of me and my friend. This event and others took place in Warren, Michigan from 2nd to 6th grade when I was still just "Tommy on the Cock", but I didn't know where I/It came from.

Jumping ahead, no pun intended to that day of excitement, fear, and most of all guilt of stealing the joy of gay sex from a bookstore to find ANYTHING on just what it was I was going through or feeling? I still have that book today. Words like "coming out", "lover", "69" and a blast from the past "rimming" ewww people did this? But what intrigued me the most was penetration the idea a man could indeed have sexual intercourse with me as he would a woman sent me into sensory overload. However, queasy, disgusted, painful, and unclean this practice may be I wanted IN-to this club called homosexual or Gay man. Without sounding like it was just the sex that made me look further into what some say is a lifestyle, I being brought up a strict confirmed Catholic in a religious setting but never, EVER hating on JESUS or what others said he thinks of homosexuality. In my younger years JESUS was my childhood hero and to this date still is. Now I consider myself spiritually connected and that part of my life is a whole other story.

Anywho, my date and I went to prom that night and had a blast. Her best friend, also mine too was the ONE person I confided in early that year of my being gay. I guess you would say I came out to her. The three of us, the friend being a senior did some crazy things and memories I will always remember. However, jealousy is a cruel thing and the friend did not like me going to prom with her friend, and so she told my date/girlfriend/ cheerleader/ whatever I was REALLY GAY. Well lets just say she tried, my penis died, she cried, I lied, screamed at me to DRIVE her home and found out our friend told her of me sleeping with a male friend of hers and the beginning of my male dancing career taking off in the city's gay club. I was devastated to say the least. We didn't speak much the last 2 months of our junior year, but she had to face me when cheerleader tryouts came and at the end both her and I were varsity cheerleaders our Senior year. But I had the summer to catch my breath, sort of.

Tryouts introduced me to a man's Man named Rex, who was one of the judges from another school. He was handsome, older, and with my new ability though in it's infancy called "GayDar" I was getting some strong signals. To say the least we ended up sleeping together and that summer spent some hot and heavy sessions daily. I officially became a bottom and proud of it. Sadly though, Rex was not the best mentally for me and in some ways warped my sensibility to trust and LOVE another man and /or having such an impression on me that there are no happy endings or long term relationships being gay. It is all about party's and sex. But we argued my point that the Joy of Gay Sex say's we could be LOVERS, he would have none of that. Later in life through some intense therapy realized that sub consciously I indeed took on his traits of one night stands and the glitz of the nightlife following his lead. Little did I know that the reason for his guarded heart was because it was recently broken by someone who I would always be younger than, or 2nd too when it came to modeling, dancing, sleeping, and then come full circle in 1995 when asked to play myself in his project called Man of the Year. Having no idea it would be released to such a big fan fare once again looking back fondly too this man who was my neighborhood's lifeguard and had a crush on him then.

Yes, I am speaking of Dirk Shafer Playgirls Man of the year and also was Rex's true love and I came in 2nd for the first time but not the last with Dirk. Dirk left Rex to pursue a modeling/acting/dancing career as a small town boy going to big time city to become a star.. That story has a morbid ending but now back to me. Getting what I thought was big break at the local Drag bar called Tony's club north where Mr. Tony Sinclair himself took me under his wing and taught me the biz, plastic surgery, makeup application, and the joys of performing on my feet for the masses and not on my knees tramping for the trolls. Tony instilled some morals to me about the gay community and what to and not to do. We had a saying that read, "it is better to be wanted, than HAD!" One she insisted on was at my age finding a handsome Rich man to care for me. Being brought up Italian, Care meant love, In the gay community it was called Sugar Daddy and Chicken. A business relationship of sorts.

After spending the summer of 1983 of falling in love, getting my heart broken, leaving the Catholic church, but discovering, then worshipping, meeting, writing, loving, following all that is Madonna, going to Cheerleading Camp, but learning how to be "campy" things were so new and exciting. Flashdance, what a feeling, or Its raining Men all part of my life's coming out soundtrack. Finally, on August 22nd 1983 my life changed forever. No it is not where I tested HIV positive but by this time I had already been exposed, just not knowing it yet. I am talking about meeting my beloved David. He a handome, well dressed, classy, sexy, beautiful smile, all wrapped in a Richard Gere kinda American Gigolo style was sitting at the bar, a Drunken mess that I found charming. Why? Because it showed all over his face that he didn't belong in there and from what 411 on got on him was he was straight, married, and not out of the closet. He was brought to the club while his wife was in France for holiday. A college Frat buddy who was going through a divorce after he came out to his wife. Mike his frat buddy was into the drag queens, couldn't get enough of them. I met him before having no idea months later he would introduce me to my now infamous 20 year soulmate, life partner, lover, whatever today. I introduced myself as Mr. Gay Oklahoma City for I had just won the title ( pageants in the Midwest were not just for the drags but boys on parade we use to call them) and David, my soon to be beloved replied really your parents must be very proud. We talked and I performed to which he tipped me 50 dollars but it wasn't the money that made him special to me, it was the idea he was straight and at the time going through a turn on of sorts sleeping with curious straight men. I begged him to meet me the next day, he declined, I insisted, he laughed, I begged, he said maybe, we kissed, he said what time.
But with only 1500 words and the above written only as an introduction to my story dealing with the affects, drama, guilt, sadness, and differences of living with HIV and now both of us living with AIDS as to what I have LEARNED through this- my 20 year relationship with David. It is and always has been easy for me to talk, blab, promote, just about anything I have done personally, but to share just one part or a slice of my life with David and all we have been through in our relationship, family, and friends is difficult to say the least. I will try to do them both justice. Myself and my relationship sharing a letter I recently wrote after a 3 year self imposed isolation from all things, Gay, AIDS, and Party's. When asked to be the cover model for an upcoming book dealing with HIV and relationships plus having some International success with Modeling and then onto AIDS activism with one of POZ magazine's first cover story's backin FEB/March of 1995. Signing with the Proof Positive division at the Morgan Modeling Agency later that same year, doing Talk Shows around the country, arguing with Phil Donahue himself about an ad showing a dying man with AIDS when I was in shape and feeling "great". As a gay man being perceived by the gay community and straight too as 90 lbs, sunken in cheeks, with one foot in the grave alone in some AIDS home for the sick was all the imagery people saw at that time. It had been 11 plus years since the scare and frankly I along with so many other HIV and AIDS individuals wanted to be viewed as survivors not causalities, Sexy not just sick, HOT without the ROT. Having no idea what impact or dare I say the beginning of what we now see as "sexualized advertisements" for HIV/AIDS therapy? The fear was taken from the disease that year when big mouths like me who had lived with HIV for 12 plus years and feeling great did the Covers for GENRE magazine, articles in the Advocate, and basically giving a voice to a certain sector of our community that being HIV could be manageable through a healthy lifestyle of diet, medication, rest, and EXCERSISE!!!!!!!!!!

Which leads me into this book called: Love in the Time of HIV: The Gay mans guide to sex, love, and relationships.

After reading your information about the soon to be released book (Love in the Time of HIV), yourself, and the marketing of the book, it dawned on me that a "couple shot" would be right for this book. I was vague in my last E-mail on my limitations, one being I no longer look like the man in the photo's, speaking of course in my heyday as a model/HIV back in the Mid to late 90's.
Still feeling the same, a little older, a bit wiser, but much "bigger" if you know what I mean. I do have three separate series shot by Reed Massengill, John Falloco, and Jeff Palmer from 1997-1999/2000 that never went public. After my last modeling, "gig" with Gym and Burn workout magazines these photographers used a selected few for Art galleries highlighting their work. However, as I was told maybe 1-3 photos per photographer of my image were used.

The last photo shoot I did was with Reed Massengill out of New York and I was trying to tap into Steve Reeves "look" of the era. The longer hair, and goatee were all in the name of art. In addition, remembering Kelly Grider a photographer out of New York who does amazing work with human subjects by super-imposing wings from birds, which gives the photos an angel like quality that you have to see, to believe.

For the record, let me just say again, I am flattered beyond belief to have been asked to be the cover model of this book, if my ABS could just find there way home from whoever stole them from me I would be on a plane tomorrow if you called. If you would like to see the photos I described, Richard Carter my graphics designer, with whom I assume you know, may have some of those recent photos I speak of on CD I sent him last year or so. He did great work for me on my site, such great talent. If he is unable too locate them and you would like to view them I can get them copied and sent your way.

I am in the process of updating my site and it will not be a problem if you can let me know a time frame, if not, please send along an autographed copy of your new book, if you can it would mean so much. No pressure though. Working in the business as a model for 10 years, I know what sells and maybe I am assuming it is sex. Maybe a sexy image is not what you are wanting at all and I just made a fool of myself. If you want your cover boy to be cover boys as in a HIV/AIDS relationship then my partner and I of almost 20 years would be perfection cover-boy/boys in our natural state

What I mean about natural state is, no buff, no fluff, or powder-puff. Just two men that went from "riches to rags" within one year a direct result of the illness and ultimately the closing of our 20-year-old healthcare business. The raising of David's three kids, who have since become adults via the Red Eye La-OK-South beach Miami, you know the type real hands on parents. Seriously though with what we had to work with and how people worked us it is amazing they are all in college to this day looking out for not just there father, but myself included as told by them. One notable difference is that instead of daddy it is Aunt Tom.

From the ridiculous to reality, Plastic to Pancreatitis, Special K to a balanced breakfast, the gym to using a cane, Steroids to Cortisone Injections for Chronic Arthritis, Dildo's to a yearly Colonoscopy, High Fashion to elastic waistbands, your best friend a Post/Party/host Transsexual to adopting a 2 week old Capuchin Monkey who is now 6 years old, going to the Opening of an Envelope to fearing the worse in ways of HIV/AIDS Government cuts, Jeffrey Sanker to Ariel Sharone, 976 to 5309, AOL Chat rooms to IRS online help. WE are trying to make ends meet living on SSDI and fighting the disease/politics/and business of AIDS on a daily basis.

We fill out more paperwork, apply for food stamps, section 8 housing, HOPWA, HAART therapies, available drug trials, and still coping with the mental abuse/shame/ and being taken advantage of by the very same family I lifted up on National Television/& in print numerous times as my support system. Only to wake up one day and have them leave us without transportation. Can you say re-possess MY CAR! If they kicked me any lower, it would have been into my grave. However, I do not own a plot to be buried in unless you see a plot in this "quasi" short story or a point for mama is on a roll.

From Circuit Party diva deluxe cover boy to Oklahoma's soup kitchens looking for a meal. I am 8 years sober, but so intoxicated from a plethora of medications non of which will prepare me for loosing David first. David is 15 years my senior, and the thought I cannot bear to imagine is my life without him. It has happened before just like in Terms of Endearment when Shirley McClain says, "Give my daughter the shot! She is in Pain, Give her the God damn shot!" Compose, release, breath and scene. All kidding aside, dish, rumor, and melodrama to be single today looking for that soul-mate and not just a bedmate, to be understood, respected, allowing you and your partner to grow not into ONE Living Beast with 2 backs, but hopefully into 2 amazing people, who are secure within themselves, honest and open when dealing with revealing and I am not talking about how big it is. I was once quoted as saying "honesty is the way to Monogamy" or was that George Michael. With a little patience in letting each other grow without being judged/blamed/or having lapsed into a coma actually thinking you have the power to change someone to fit your agenda or idea of the Perfect Husband. Then my friend you better start taking applications now cause “it ain't gonna happen not now not ever”. If this means you are in the sit, spin, hurl and twirl portion of the program by all means knock yourself out expecting nothing in return but fun filled memory's, hoping of course your memory survived the first 2 nights awake with no sleep/water/food/or condoms while on your now infamous Britney Spears Video premiere "we have to party for her" weekend that started suspiciously at 3:30pm on TRL that Wed afternoon ending a tad ripe with the smell of "S-CUM" attached to your body praying your partner will call for Carol Ann to help put you to bed and then proceed to beat the truth out of you the following morning. Not in front of Barbara from Rebook of course... If you survived that cocktail/mission weekend while reserving a place in hell thinking your beloved partner is doing what you assume he always does, which is sitting and knitting at home feeling no jealousy for you have an understanding. A word from experience I come from that place of understanding and it wasn't until my partner described to me what it was like for him baking and beaten, or sitting and knitting all the while I was visiting friends, lets just say that was when I realized he was doing the same thing I was.

Not being on the same page with David, my partner has been tested in more ways than one, however today in good and in bad as cliché' as it sounds I wouldn't trade it for the world, but that would be a lie. I would trade it all in if I was promised to have more time learning, listening, and loving him 10'x more then I have and to set all the petty, party, pick-ups, and our HIV Positive test aside, for he has given me the ultimate strength and support by being not on the side, but beside me still and forever always. Don't ever give up looking for HIM or HER, better yet as the old saying goes when you stop looking is when it happens. It may not be what you expected 100 percent physically, financially, or sexually but I have seen some of the best possible hook ups that COULD have BEEN, but never came to be a true long term relationship because of one of those three things did not live up to one or the others expectations. Seeing couples for 8 months and then getting cold feet not wanting to be tied down, another sad outcome. The worse yet is testing positive and the other tests negative but if I have shared anything with you the reader of true feelings and acceptance of reality you can take some pride in knowing that if I was able to find, live, and love someone and get back more and then some LOVE in return through our relationship with all of it's ups and downs, it can happen to you. Just don't make the same mistakes I did....

Peace be to you,
Tom

Send your bread over the water - one day you will find it.

I would rather have 30 minutes of wonderful, than a lifetime of nothing special.

[Listening to: Michael Sambello, Maniac (CLUB 977 The 80's Channel (HIGH BANDWIDTH)) - - Michael Sambello, Maniac (CLUB 977 The 80's Channel (HIGH BANDWIDTH)) - (0:-1)]

2003-04-11T21:54:00.000-05:00

Seeds purchased at Horn freed and Seed. Late Friday night and after no sleep coming straight from Rolex's yearly checkup I must say that Today and yesterday were exceptional. For the first time this year I felt so ALIVE and connected to David, GOD, Spring, and most of all myself. Even though this is a note in Seeds I just had to take time out to say Thank you Father for the many blessings and lessons you have given and showed me this last year.
Working on getting my GLBT story out before of all day's David's Birthday and my fathers as well. Joining and finally getting accepted into the There Beta community finding new excitement to look forward too. Being sick one day and having a day actually Two days feeling so good makes me pray more so than not. I know for a fact that being bi polar and showing crazy signs of Manic highs and Lower lows that Seasonal Affective Disorder is not in my head but amongst the many listed ailments all in some way related to the grandfather disease AIDS as they are battled and I am reminded of them every day. I think this will be posted and published onto my blogs instead of taking space from my garden journal for this entry.
Making no sense is fun sitting here all alone while David is at the store. No complaints today and as always my thoughts, and prayers go out to the Dixie chicks. No that Marine on American Idol, No wait.....To Britney and her restaurants closing... Wait it is something. What did I just see last night on TV and thought to myself God bless them. Oh the SARS disease. Lord Please no more acronyms. All kidding aside with the Fall of Baghdad and seeing what we are shown and told to believe, I can only pray that we as Americans do not try to impose our beliefs on them or their culture....Thanks for listening..
PS. My Garden Journal recommended by Cnet downloads in their weekly newsletter is the bomb diggity. I am a novice gardner but this program that is free to demo but after 30 days a fee of 19.95 is going to be money well spent. This not only covers everything one would want to know about gardening, but it is organized, great user interface and so far not one glitch or issue. Try it out. Here is the link: My Garden Journal

2003-04-05T20:59:00.000-06:00

RAINBOW HOMESTEAD WEBSITE

I sit at my computer trying to put into prose 1500 words
or less a moment in my life that was life changing, tragic,
or inspirational. Never having a problem of speaking my
mind, my inner most thoughts shared for the world to see via
1995 web site before they were common place. Were talking
before www. Today, with technology and computer software
anyone with something to say can post, publish, or even be
seen via webcam or Web diary's known as Web Blogs. This
project with Rainbows4GLBT could not have come at a better
time. Not only is it being PRINTED in book format the old
school way, but living a self imposed/isolated/discovery of
disillusionment for my life and relationships I thought I
had within our gay community/friends/ and sadly my own
family since late 1999. Yes, I have been known to be mellow
dramatic, however it feels right to speak of what I have
learned, discovered, felt, this past 4 years and say it
proudly without the fear of being judged, afraid, ashamed,
or feel sorry for myself any longer.
Understanding that my story and statements to our
culture may never reach the minds it was intended for. It
feels good just to let it out by typing it on paper all the
while keeping the scared, curious, generous, and insecure 16
year old boy from the Mid west close to the surface. My
hopes, dreams, and prayers for others in the GLBT community
can relate, learn, and most of all know they are not alone
when it comes to the ultimate feeling, of Being, Wanting,
Having, Needing, Searching, Finding, Looking for LOVE in
their lives. I speak from experience on both sides of the
LOVE spectrum and my A-ha, wake up call, or light bulb
moment came and it didn't register until it was to late. To
late to prevent hurting others, but not to late to repair.
Looking for LOVE in the wrong places is so sad but true. In
order to be successful in finding love you have to know
where to look and it starts with the mirror.
Loving the person you see in the mirror, not the
reflection or image only but the person inside the package.
The real you.
So all I can offer you as of today is my eye-opening, jaw
dropping, forever grateful, however painful, lessons on what
may seem important to you today could very well mean
absolutely nothing tomorrow. As you blindly go about your
business with your bad self, never giving yourself a real
REALITY Check but having the time of your life in the
process. When your reality Check-up comes and you are not
prepared it will hurt your eyes not to mention your heart, a
job, support system of family and friends, or worse your
Immune system when the smoke, fog, and steam from the sauna
finally clears when ones Reality payday comes.

For the record, let me just say that part of this story was
printed in E-mail form to an author along with his book
publishing company after asking me to be the cover subject
for his up coming book about HIV/AIDS relationships. Having
a successful career speaking of course of my heyday looking,
loving, feeling, and booking as an International Male Model
then spoke out on Talk shows, profiled in print, starting my
own AIDS charity back in my hometown, and signing with a
modeling agency that had a AIDS activist modeling division
back in the Mid to late 90's. So one could only imagine how
flattered I was to the point beyond belief having been asked
to be the cover model of this book. If my ABS had not been
ABducted back in 2000 or somehow located then brought back
to me I would have been on the next plane tomorrow in a New
York minute. Then coming to realize that the young gay boy
in the mid-west dreaming of fame and fortune times had come
and now gone. The promotional tool "my looks" to achieve my
objective of fame and fortune have since faded due to AIDS
and not AGE. Reflections of my past shooting through my
brain, feelings of love lost, hope springs eternal,
invincible, HIV negative, youth, and the death of many
friends so young, too early.
Which opens my story: ABs ducted, LOVE looking to Come Out
again, take two

My dream of becoming a professional model was always in my
thoughts and I did everything, "not everyone" to make it a
reality. Not stupid, but not book smart I was a C student
living in Edmond, Oklahoma after my father moved us from our
birthplace New York at the age of 7 to Warren, Michigan
where in 2nd grade 3 teenage boys took me and my friend in
the basement for an Oral sex lesson. Then in 6th grade was
relocated again to Oklahoma. How I wish my grandparents,
aunts and uncles could have been a part of my upbringing
looking back. I come from a large Italian family out of New
York and though at times very loud and obnoxious, it my
family was a party all in itself. Just like coming out and
realizing there were others like me, but also finding out my
family had a long history of trust issues, depression, and
addictions and watched in horror how they tried to hide them
or fix them.

2002 still feeling the same, a little older, a bit wiser,
but much "bigger" if you know what I mean. AIDS had now
blessed me with A.V.N, in short my joints were now dying and
unable to "Work-out" the way I once did. The pride I took
in my body and percentage of body fat was ridiculous. Even
today in shows like Queer as Folk they show the HIV
character shooting up steroids. Well, I got to utilize
steroid therapy in the later 90's. The whole steroid thing
really was not my scene. Having a gorgeous body gave you
power that I never felt before in gay culture. Just coming
out never touching a barbell and getting the attention all
of us crave in some form or fashion suddenly was given to me
and for the first time felt good about myself. ALA natural
if you will. Blessed to be a competitive swimmer in my
early childhood and teen years gave me the chest, back, and
most of all the Bubble Butt so many men covet. Accepted,
loved, wanted, desired, but then cum to realize years later
I was USED. Or taken advantage of for other people's
agenda's to be met.

Don't get me wrong I had an agenda too. I wanted fame and
fortune. Doesn't everyone? After coming out that summer
and then spilling into my senior year of High school after
spending the summer with my new beloved community who gave
me the strength to be myself and an attitude of Were here,
Were Queer, get used to it was not only liberating but
exciting. Coming out to this day was the biggest gift I
could have ever given myself. No longer a cross to bear but
a celebration of my individuality. Always asking questions
and at the time reading books on homosexuality on just how
to tell ones parents is when I first saw the term Coming
Out. So to give you an idea of just how naive I was and
still am at times, I remembered putting two and two together
with Diana Ross' song I'm coming out and the term coming
out. Wait it gets worse. I was out for just about a year
and someone told me why they were called the Village People.
Had not a clue. Some gays found it cute, others thought I
was just plain stupid.

Starting out as a male dancer back in 1982 before the
term Go-Go boy was coined at the ripe OLE age of 16 in
Oklahoma City. Hearing terms like "chicken" or "sugar
daddy" was new to me. It didn't take long to figure out
what title I was. Titles, stereo-types, and status in our
community having such an impact on decisions we made and
judgments we had of others. Circa 1982 another phrase being
whispered about was the Gay Plague or G.R.I.D. but I was in
the Midwest and besides the way gay's gossip it was probably
blown out of proportion. Plus this so called Gay cancer was
showing up in the bigger cities like San Francisco and New
York. I wish I could tell how that story ends but you know
that AIDS has not ended. This story is never ending taking
every friend, acquaintance, and neighbors that were the
backdrop of my coming out in the summer of 1983 with no end
in site.

A favorite quote of mine to this day is from the movie
Steel Magnolia's when Shelby tells her mother of her
pregnancy that is not welcomed with joy from her mother.
Shelby say's " I would rather have 30 minutes of wonderful,
than a lifetime of nothing special.".

The old adage of "Living life in the Moment" I agree with
that philosophy living with wonderful was fun too, but you
have to be thinking in the moment as well as living in it.
The beginning of my end came December 12, 1985 when I tested
positive and then my partner of 20 plus years exposed in
1987. I know live on SSDI along with my partner as we come
up on our 20th year anniversary in August of this year.
Keep in mind this is 2002 a good 3 years since my HIV
decided to turn on me and in the process cripple me
physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I now
was that Playgirl Centerfold from the 90's who spoke out
about living a healthy HIV lifestyle. Making HIV look sexy
with provocative pictures and never thinking the impact it
would have on the disease or myself years later.

Seeing how HIV/AIDS medications are marketed today and
stories similar to mine years ago have taken the FEAR out of
being exposed. Yes it can be managed, but you have to be
one hell of a strong person who is secure with themselves
able to deal with the good along with the bad. I thought I
was one of those people, I tried real hard but in the end
was not. To be a Larry Kramer suddenly was out of reach,
though my reality said I was more than just a pretty face
wanting to be an AIDS Activist. Never sorry, embarrassed,
or having regrets in my past other than hoping whoever is
reading this may relate to my life lessons along the way.

Personally, looking back on my life I feel homosexuals and
Lesbians like Transsexuals know we are different or
uncomfortable in our own skin but have almost a built in gay
innocence we are born with. Some choose to put up those
infamous walls or rawhide skins to protect, hide, or
disguise one's real feelings. It took years for me to see
what coming out really meant and the reasons behind it.
Coming out to friends who suspected you were is one thing,
but to your job and family is another. If there is such a
thing as one's gay innocence then it is a feeling I remember
the most fondly and cherish those feelings of before and
after. Like the first kiss, or having a crush on someone.
But that Gay innocence that slowly begins to get chipped
away and when all is said and done hopefully you ended up a
beautiful well rounded gem and not some jaded stone.

You know how they tell actors to have something to fall
back on in case it doesn't work out, well this is where I
was living in the moment and not thinking. The pressure in
our culture to have that perfect body, well endowed, or have
the connections to the "in crowd" to name a few just to feel
that you are a part of the gay community which brings me
back to coming out.

In the gay culture their judgments hurt the most. Don't
cry for me, I will be okay. But sadly seeing how one feels
good about themselves and loves who they are begin to
compromise their belief system. Suddenly you are thirsted
back into a high school setting of come on everyone is doing
it. Either it be drugs, online sex, barebacking etc. In
today's day and age over 30 no longer considered a hottie,
but due to my age of 36 now given the title of daddy. Not
young, but old, awake, not tired, and the feeling of trying
to keep up with the youth just coming out is INSANE. When I
came out it was the day of self discovery that I was not
alone and not to feel ashamed for their were places to go
with other gay people, no longer thinking they were "seedy,
evil, dark, or mysterious" people you only would see in an
occasional movie or hinted on a TV show. Real people having
real friendships and loving relationships. A Confirmed
Catholic my relationship with Jesus Christ is one of
confusion, anger, and pain when expressed to me through
Priests, pastors, and clergy but all negative and judgment
aside I have nothing but an abundance of LOVE for Him. I
bring this up for if not for my faith in Christ I wouldn't
be here. I have to express that to you without bible
thumping. If ever you feel unloved or alone, trust in the
Lord or have a spiritual base in place. One that you can
count on and trust in.

After my Playgirl Centerfold and a decade of male
dancing decadence What I mean about natural state is, no
buff, no fluff, or powder-puff. Just two men that went from
"riches to rags" within one year a direct result of the
illness and ultimately the closing of our 20-year-old
healthcare business. The raising of David's three kids, who
have since become adults via the Red Eye La-OK-South beach
Miami, you know the type real hands on parents. Seriously
though with what we had to work with and how people worked
us it is amazing they are all in college to this day looking
out for not just there father, but myself included as told
by them. One notable difference is that instead of daddy it
is Aunt Tom.

From the ridiculous to reality, Plastic to Pancreatitis,
Special K to a balanced breakfast, the gym to using a cane,
Steroids to Cortisone Injections for Chronic Arthritis,
Dildo's to a yearly Colonoscopy, High Fashion to elastic
waistbands, your best friend a Post/Party/host Transsexual
to adopting a 2 week old Capuchin Monkey who is now 6 years
old, going to the Opening of an Envelope to fearing the
worse in ways of HIV/AIDS Government cuts, Jeffrey Sanker to
Ariel Sharone, 976 to 5309, AOL Chat rooms to IRS online
help. WE are trying to make ends meet living on SSDI and
fighting the disease/politics/and business of AIDS on a
daily basis.

We fill out more paperwork, apply for food stamps,
section 8 housing, HOPWA, HAART therapies, available drug
trials, and still coping with the mental abuse/shame/ and
being taken advantage of by the very same family I lifted up
on National Television/& in print numerous times as my
support system. Only to wake up one day and have them leave
us without transportation. Can you say re-possess MY CAR! If
they kicked me any lower, it would have been into my grave.
However, I do not own a plot to be buried in unless you see
a plot in this "quasi" short story or a point for mama is on
a roll.

From Circuit Party diva deluxe cover boy to Oklahoma's soup
kitchens looking for a meal. I am 8 years sober, but so
intoxicated from a plethora of medications non of which will
prepare me for loosing David first. David is 15 years my
senior, and the thought I cannot bear to imagine is my life
without him. It has happened before just like in Terms of
Endearment when Shirley McClain says, "Give my daughter the
shot! She is in Pain, Give her the God damn shot!" Compose,
release, breath and scene. All kidding aside, dish, rumor,
and melodrama to be single today looking for that soul-mate
and not just a bedmate, to be understood, respected,
allowing you and your partner to grow not into ONE Living
Beast with 2 backs, but hopefully into 2 amazing people, who
are secure within themselves, honest and open when dealing
with revealing and I am not talking about how big it is. I
was once quoted as saying "honesty is the way to Monogamy"
or was that George Michael. With a little patience in
letting each other grow without being judged/blamed/or
having lapsed into a coma actually thinking you have the
power to change someone to fit your agenda or idea of the
Perfect Husband. Then my friend you better start taking
applications now cause "it ain't gonna happen not now not
ever". If this means you are in the sit, spin, hurl and
twirl portion of the program by all means knock yourself out
expecting nothing in return but fun filled memory's, hoping
of course your memory survived the first 2 nights awake with
no sleep/water/food/or condoms while on your now infamous
Britney Spears Video premiere "we have to party for her"
weekend that started suspiciously at 3:30pm on TRL that Wed
afternoon ending a tad ripe with the smell of "S-CUM"
attached to your body praying your partner will call for
Carol Ann to help put you to bed and then proceed to beat
the truth out of you the following morning. Not in front of
Barbara from Rebook of course... If you survived that
cocktail/mission weekend while reserving a place in hell
thinking your beloved partner is doing what you assume he
always does, which is sitting and knitting at home feeling
no jealousy for you have an understanding. A word from
experience I come from that place of understanding and it
wasn't until my partner described to me what it was like for
him baking and beaten, or sitting and knitting all the while
I was visiting friends, lets just say that was when I
realized he was doing the same thing I was.

Not being on the same page with David, my partner has been
tested in more ways than one, however today in good and in
bad as cliché' as it sounds I wouldn't trade it for the
world, but that would be a lie. I would trade it all in if I
was promised to have more time learning, listening, and
loving him 10'x more then I have and to set all the petty,
party, pick-ups, and our HIV Positive test aside, for he has
given me the ultimate strength and support by being not on
the side, but beside me still and forever always.

Back

God be with You,
Tom

"I would rather have 30 minutes of Wonderful, than a
lifetime of nothing special."

2003-04-05T20:50:00.000-06:00

Getting Moveable Type to finally work was a chore. Now I am hoping that this tool W.bloggar works just as well.