Hope for the Ta-tas

I am pregnant!

2009-11-02T23:15:00.002-05:00

Wow a lot has happened in the past month since my last blog, you remember the one that I promised to do a better job keeping up with blogging?!? Since then we went out of town 3 of the 5 weekends, and spent the other two going to and throwing the boys' birthday parties. In between we worked in football games, bike/scooter riding (Natedog got a new bike that is the same size as mine and rides like a champ, Reese got a new scooter and is working on riding Nate's old bike with no training wheels), lots of time with friends/family, and so much more. I'm blown away at the number of people that say they read the blog, most of which gave me shit for going so long without a new one. Believe me, I love doing it because it's so therapeutic for me. I wish I had more time to do them and will try to do a better job keeping it a priority because it's so good for me but more importantly I can't wait for the kids to see what we were going through when they were young and maybe don't have as many memories. Where else can someone with a messed up coconut puke out useless information with bits of tidbits about his family and Tiffani Amber-Thiessen (BTW --- see the text thing is still going --- I saw a commercial for her in a new series but I don't know what it is so someone please help me).

A quick recap of the events we have endured and enjoyed since the last blog:

Did my man's weekend with the sports trifecta in New England where we had row 9 behind the batter's box Sox tix on Friday night, started on the goal line in the first row before moving to the second row behind the FSU bench on the 40 (then I went up to the upper deck to hang with the Ford's in the second half on the 50) on Saturday, and then skybox 50 yard-line Pats Tix on Sunday. We only paid for the FSU tix, all 3 games were incredible despite the FSU loss, and the Ford's showed us how to tailgate in a parking garage BC style to the delight of all. Chad, Dan, and Adam/Bro/Kathy/Bill, I'll never be able to thank you enough for making it so great!
Celebrated Reese's birthday with a bowling party that turned into as much or more fun for the adults as the kids. All that and no clean-up, it was incredible. FYI for others wanting to do the same, don't open a tab at the bar and then invite my friends' to come unless your car payment seems small to you.
Somehow that day the entire party convninced me to have a football party at the house later that night so they all came over with some other friends making the whole day a big party and in the end Reese had two friends spend the night. One was a girl Kylie he has the 2nd biggest crush on ever (the first is Lindsay next door). He got to sleep next to her in the man's room and I could not wipe the smile off his face like the day after I lost my virginity. FTR (see how I work that in?) that was the same day we conceived Natedog Hope's dad, mom, grandmama, brothers/sisters, uncles/aunts, etc. And just to make sure it was going to be a boy we followed the old wive's tail that you do it upside down on a trapeze while wearing the Princess Leia Return of the Jedi gold bikini with my light saber trying to free her (can you believe Hope fell for that one? --- nah me either).
One more quick anectodote about that, the boys and I at dinner all the time say things like raise your hand if you like broccoli or gnome porn or shrimp (you get the idea). One day out of the blue Reese says, "Raise your hand if you want to marry Kylie." Nathan and I just looked at each other like we both tasted Hope's tuna casserole for the first time without hot sauce.
We went to grandmama's in SC for her 80th birthday party (she and the rest of the familiy will probably disown me after reading this blog). I visited an old friend Mark and his beautiful family/house in Savannah on the way up followed by a speeding ticket just to get there. Thank goodness the officer was distracted by the kids being naked and running around the back of the SUV so he did not even notice my rum and coke. More on this trip in a bit...
Celebrated Halloween followed the next day by a work trip to Tallahassee for me that I just got home from about 10:30 PM on Monday night --- thanks Mom for watching the boys, they now think every Sunday is eat candy for two meals a day followed by pumpkin ice cream for dessert. Tallahassee was hard, it was my first time back since Hope passed. We lived there 2 years together and basically spent 4 years together up there. I went by our old apartment and it had changed so much it felt weird. I think just being there without Hope in the flesh already made me feel strange.
I know I'm forgetting stuff but my blogs are already too long as it is. BTW Man-Marie promises to show me how to post pics so all of the ladies that like my writing (counting Mom and she just says that because she has to that makes a total of 1.5) can finally see my picture, quietly throw up in their mouths, and never think about me again --- kind of like the first day of school in Florida, junior high, high school, and college relived. I will never forget my first week of school in Florida, I cried all morning each day until Mom dropped me off at Audubon Elementary in the Fiat every day that first week. In hindsight, I imagine it was much tougher on her then me. I love you Mom for always being strong, and except for Gram and Gramp you are the only person in my entire life always there for me. I also know you grew to love Hope more then me which was obvious by your visits and phone calls, "Is Hope there?" Mom I know it's you, we have caller ID dammit!

Back to the SC visit, it was the first time except for the Tampa/Mermaid trip (it will forever be known as the mermaid trip for me) I had seen any of Hope's family except a trip earlier in the year to NC. This one included her grandmama, mom, brothers, cousins, nieces, nephews, aunts, uncles, etc. They could not have been more gracious to the boys and I, truly treating us as family because we always will be (their words). Happy 80th grandmama, you literally could still pass for 60! After I got back, I did write the following e-mail to everyone there:

There was obviously a huge gaping hole there and that's why I've had trouble making the leap of faith forward to bring the boys up as that was Hope's second favorite place in the world. John and I talked about it a bit, Caroll said some really nice things, but otherwise she went unmentioned except for a couple of cracks I made. I'm not sure if that's par for the course when you guys get together, but I can tell you the boys and I talk about her all the time and just in case we don't during the day we always talk to her before bed telling her our favorite part of the day and kissing her picture. I can tell you from experience, it's easier to talk about her then not to. It makes it much harder in the long run when you don't. I think we can all agree she was and is one of the most positive and loving parts of all of our lives, and she always will be as long as we keep her memory alive. I can guarantee you I will always do my part and then some. How about each of you? It's not a criticism at all, I only spent a short time with ya'll and you may have felt as strange as I did. I just didn't feel it was my place to talk about it while there during such a great celebration.

As I've mentioned in past blogs and to so many of you in person, please talk about her as much as you want to. It doesn't bother me and the boys love hearing more about their mommy. Hope's grandmama grows sunflowers in a huge field behind her house. They were dead so the kids and I spent half the weekend back there whacking them down like droids in Star Wars as their sticks were light sabers. They loved it. I'll also never forget a previous visit with a sister-in-law to remain nameless said, "ahhhh, it's so nice they grow a field of sunflowers for the birds to feed on." Then we showed her the 100's of shotgun shells in a rainbow of colors the kids collected before her face turned white like she tried Hope's tuna casserole (see even in the afterlife I'll still make fun of you). Thanks again Joey, best boiled peanuts I ever had and some of them were as big as kiwi. My tongue still feels like I licked the XXXL bucket of popcorn at the movie theatre, but it was worth it.

That brings us to Halloween, where we had a Nathan zombie (I'm dying to see that movie Zombieland with Woody from Cheers as I love horror movies and that one looks great --- that reminds me I watch the movie 1408 with John Cusack about a week ago. Since I love horror movies and his typical quirky off-beat characters/movies I thought it would be great. The movie was good until towards the end, where you learned he recently lost his daughter. In the haunted hotel room he could communicate with and even hug his daughter. Just hearing his daughter's voice made me long to hear Hope's so much. Watching those scenes was incredibly difficult as I sat in the family room alone feeling like the only person on earth, ironically it was the same thing his character was going through trying to escape the room. It's a decent movie, but don't watch it if you recently lost a loved one) and Reese was Commander Rex from the Star Wars Clone Wars movie. We went to a huge neighborhood party on Friday where a bunch of friends unplanned came back to the house.

The Mozz, a great old friend since I moved to FLA at age 11 even came over because he was in town unexpectedly for the weekend. He's lived in the Middle East for the last 18 years or so and then Africa more recently running a resort in Zanzibar. To make a very interesting and long story short and boring on purpose, welcome back Mozz and if I ever am short on cash I'm taking you back to the Zanzibarian government to collect my reward. Anyway waves of friends kept coming over until the last group arrived around 2 AM. They stayed until 4:30 AM and even one lucky lady spent the night because she had a 45 minute drive. I used all my best moves and before I could finish my prayer that the Celts big 3 stay healthy this year to keep the evil purple and gold from catching up with us for championships (I'm sure that's what she was thinking about too between the snores) she was alone and asleep in the man's room. I'm still 0 for 36 years and counting except the two times with Hope, thank goodness for her kindness and pity on me. That of course is the perfect segway to the title of this blog, I'm pregnant.

Now I know some of you naysayers, doctors, folks with a brain, etc. may doubt this but my office assistant Jamie did a thorough examination via e-mail so I know it's true (I'm still waiting for some one else to do a more thorough exam but until then the long showers help). I felt light headed and nauseous one morning getting out of the shower after a run while I had a hankering for pickles and ice cream so there was no other logical conclusion. Jamie knew from her schoolin' growing up in Umatilla (I could not make that up if I wanted to) where they learned her about the Virgin Mary getting knocked up without relations so that had to be what happened to me except she then recalled the anti-christ would be visiting us earthlings again soon. So the conclusion is that I'm carrying a demon child (kind of like my mom's second child --- I love you brother!).

So I figured despite my condition because I'm carrying a demon I would not follow through with all of the standard pregnancy rules, such as I think caffeine and alcohol should be encouraged for a demon child. I'm doing my best to follow through on those, espeically the latter. I need to stop exercising and stay on a strict hot wing and potato skin diet to give him more room to grow (look at that, I'm already calling him a him --- I'm tearing up). Where are your menstruals because I think I'm getting some of those cramps? Please let me know if you think my breasts are getting larger but don't stare, it makes me uncomfortable. You know I have eyes men!!! It's so disrespectful toward us pregnant man/women. I wonder if I'll have an outy? Are they all outies eventually when you go full term? What is full term for a man with a demon, is it like the elephant or more like women? Man my nipples are aching which brings me back to my bachelor party and Dirty Dave I'll never forgive you for the pain you put me through that night (now while that may sound like a gay moment I assure you it wasn't but while I can't tell you in mixed company exactly what they were doing I can tell you the nipple scabbing on me barely healed in time for the honeymoon. For the first time ever in the history of mankind you could hear a man in my house say, "not tonight honey I'm saving it for the honeymoon.")

Back to texting lingo, HSICBWLTWJBPOF. What you don't know that one? That's Hope's family texting after they read this blog saying Holy Shit I Can't Believe We Let This Whack Job Be Part Of the Family. Too late my friends, I already said "back back no take backs" so it's permanent now. Those are society's rules, I don't make them up I just live by them so we don't have lawlessness. That reminds me of a few others like when you say the same thing at the same time you say "jinx you owe me a coke," or touch a screw and lift your feet when you cross a railroad in the car, or like on the episode of Webster (now who remembers Webster, our second early 80's fetish with a midgetesque black child --- Gary Coleman being the first, "What you talking about Willis?") where he would say "Reggie Jackson Bless You" after somebody sneezed because he was mad at God for taking away his parents, or arguing with the front desk when you check out of a hotel that you shouldn't have to pay for the entire adult movie since you only watched 10 minutes of it. Those are society's rules, without them lawlessness (I'm sorry but I just like typing and saying that word).

Halloween, speaking of lawlessness (see how I worked that in again and provided a smooth segway beyond my unsual anywho), was incredible. We must have trick-or-treated with over 30 kids and even more parents pulling wagons of cold beverages for the kids because it was hot down here (maybe a few cold ones for the adults too, after all my Mom was there and you know how she gets on a Saturday night if she doesn't get her PBR (Pabst Blue Ribbon for non-texters or anyone under the age of 30) sixpack by 7 PM). The kids loved it, Nathan and Reese lead the way sprinting from house to house hitting many of them twice. They each had two huge bags filled with candy. If only I liked chocolate, but who knows with the way my hormones are screaming from the demon child maybe I'll start to like chocolate again. I also decided to dress up like Tim Tebow complete with scriptures on my black eye gunk (I think that's the technical term for it) and strut around Gainesville so I could see what it's like to have women from age 18 to 81 throwing themselves at you. Engineering groupies while a huge group and very active, don't even come close to living up to the Tebow throwdowns.

I've got to finish this up, so I'll leave you with two things Reese said recently. The first I was sitting on the toilet with Mocha laying on my shorts/underwear like always between my legs, both boys in talking to me (if you read previous blogs you know why I don't even bother closing the door anymore unless we have company and even that is 50/50), when Reese said in the sweetest voice ever, "don't you wish you could still talk to mommy?" I started to tear up, was about to explain how I do every day as does he, I'd give anything for just a few more moments with mommy, how there's nothing more I want then to have one more conversation with her, and all of these emotions were overwhelming me while Mocha licked her butt on my shorts. Before I could utter one word he then said, Mr. Crabs is funny when he says "fire on the poop deck Dad." And you thought my blogs were random, how about a five-year-old's mind? Going from one of the most insightful thoughts about death to Spongebob quotes in a matter of seconds, you have to love kids. We can all learn a lot.

Second Reese story was that out of the blue he said I want to be 14 so I can trick-or-treat past 9 PM. Somehow this came up on Halloween and that was the number discussed, don't ask me why I made up such a dumb rule on the fly. Anywho (at least I worked in one this blog), Natedog said turning 16 would be better then he could drive. Nana chimed in, then Nathan can drive you around everywhere Reese. Reese responded with, "then would Nathan be my daddy?" As always I love to hear from anyone that actually gets through reading these blogs, happy November, and if you know the gestation period for a demon child please let me know. I'm not sure about the date of the immaculate conception, but my best guess is was on the 25 cent wing and all the chili you can eat night at Beef O's because I felt like something exploded inside and out of me that night. I'm registered at Babies R Us and nobody has stepped up to throw my shower so if you act fast you could be the lucky winner to throw my party.

Blogging Break

2009-09-28T20:23:00.004-05:00

For the first time ever I went back and reread a blog I wrote. I hope the rest weren't as badly written as the last one. I remembered writing it on multiple sit downs because it was so raw and emotional it was taking too much out of me. Interruptions like the boys didn't help, I remember wiping away tears and trying to talk to them when I was typing it if they needed something. It was obviously disjointed and emotional, and I'm disappointed that I think I did a terrible job portraying how I was really feeling. I was telling too much, not letting you feel the pain I was trying describe. Anyway, after that last blog I had to take a break. Those 36 hours were so incredibly difficult on my psyche I don't think I'll ever be the same but I mean that in a good way. Reflecting back now a bit, I first of all can never thank Man-Marie enough for being there both days for me. Second, I really miss wearing my ring. I still feel weird without it and want to rub it or rotate it around my finger at times. Some day I hope to go back and read all of the other blogs (like my new friend Jen just did in one night --- now of course she wants her night back like a refund at Walmart because all of their stuff is crap anyway but you know that going in, only she didn't know the blogs were crap going in so I feel like I owe her).

I'm not emotionally ready yet, but some day I hope to read them with the kids. A lot of people have suggested I try to get them published in a book. I can't imagine how that would go over because so much of it is too emotional. However if anyone knows anything about doing so e-mail me or send me a comment please. I'd consider it, because if it just helps one child that lost their parent or helps one spouse that lost their better half it would all be worth it. Of course I hear all the time that nobody gets my references like when Woody in Cheers became an English snob and could not relate to the rest of the bar anymore. I think a book audience would wander too much but you never know, you guys are reading this right now (you are right, right?). Anywho, I am back now blogging and hope to keep it up much more often. The emotions are not as raw so I should be able to emotionally keep it up now (man it's hard to not make a penis joke right now but out of respect for Hope's family and in honor of my office and The Office (TV show) "that's what she said." BTW (that's me showing off my texting ability for the record, I also have learned lmfao (Missy taught me that one), ttyl (andrea taught me that one), fscfr (Christine at BC taught me that one), and hsmhihgo (anonymous taught me that one). FTR (for the record) fscfr is Flipside crackers freakin' rule and hsmhihgo is holy shit my husband is home get out. Anyway they are good pointers for you out there new at texting. I just got an iPhone since the last blog and I love it. Porn at my finger tips (or directions to bible study) anytime anywhere. Ain't progress grand?

I almost named this blog hairy chest after Reese (similar to hairy penis only different hair ftr) but thought after sitting with Hope's dad, step mom, two sisters, brother and other relatives trying to explain the hairy penis I'd stick with something less catchy this time around. I mention hairy chest because I was running late one night (go figure) getting ready to go out to a work function when I ran into the living room to check on the boys after a shower in only a towel and sweet 16 year old next door neighbor was just about to come over when I told the boys they needed to come back into my bathroom for brushing and jammers. Reese asked why and I said she cannot see me like this when he thoughtfully asked, she cannot see your hairy chest? Of course keep in mind this is from the least shy boy when it comes to nakedness you could ever meet, he tells Lindsay to go back home and put her jammers on when she comes over or will strip down in a moment's notice at the pool in front of anyone when he's ready to change. It's too bad we lose that innocence and spontenaity because then I could see way more boobs (what I mean by that is we should let men and women be equal across the board with wages, war duties, and no tops at beaches, pools, convertibles, etc. --- yes I'm always looking out for your equality ladies) just like in the Keys at hour hotel, clothing tops optional should become universal for the equality of it all. How much more interested would the Silicone Cindy's be (for those of you that are longer term readers) if we had the equality for tops (or not tops depending on how you look at it). Think of the money you'd save, what's a bra cost nowadays like $30 or $40 bucks? I am hear to stand up for women's rights and I think at least half of the population would support me on this which is higher then Obama's approval right now.

Speaking of my trip to see Hope's family in Tampa, we went to Weechi Wachi Springs which is the oldest theme park type place in Florida built in the 40's. They are famous for an underwater mermaid show. Well, after that experience (except for the disturbing fact that they do the little mermaid and say over and over again she's only 15 --- they should at least say 18 for us old man perverts) I have a total mermaid fetish. Darryl Hannah in Splash could walk when she was dry so it's the best of both worlds. If anyone knows a mermaid I could hook up with for Halloween or any other day please let me know. It's not the same as roller derby girls (Traci and Shelby) or naughty nurses (Tina and Anna) so if all else fails put on a tail and swim on over here. Since I know Hope's family reads this please back me up on the mermaid fetish, talk about getting some tail...oh come on you had to know that comment was coming!

Reese recently had a bad dream and woke up, walked downstairs, and generally was just in a fog. He told me he had a nightmare and that he lost his screamy. I asked what he meant and he said he tried to scream but lost his screamy. It was so cute but also worrisome for him and at the same time it broke my heart. That's one of those bad dad moments when you just wish you could have run upstairs and been there for him to be the superhero. You hold him tight, rock him back to sleep, and tell him Daddy's here and it will all be okay. I imagine that's what Bobby Bowden's wife has been doing lately. After losing to UM, almost losing to Jax State, and then getting beat by every recruit you didn't bring into school last weekend by USF he probably needs to get rocked to sleep. The Pats almost started 0-2, but looked great last week so there's still some promise for our season. The Sox are in the playoffs (unofficially but a lock in my book that nobody cares about) and I love how we're toying with the Yankees. We beat them 8 straight to start the season and then let them beat us like 9 out of 10 times along with running away with the division just to falsely build up their confidence to take them down in the playoffs. I mention them because coming up is my sports trifecta weekend, Sox on Friday, FSU/BC on Saturday, and Pats on Sunday. I can't wait, and we even got free tickets to the Sox and Pats and only had to pay face value for the Noles so that just leaves more money for the church donation bucket/hat thingy on Sunday as we pray for the Pats to beat the Ravens (only because I have a bet with a friend on the game and she has to learn that the Pats always prevail). ESPN Gameday will be at the FSU game and Hope always had a crush on Kirk Herbstreit (he was always at the top of her list) so I'll be giving him an awkward kiss from her.

Both boys are loving school and things could not be better with the afternoon babysitter friend. Nathan had 9 friends sleep over last Friday for his birthday and tomorrow night we'll celebrate his real birthday with some family and a couple of friends. You should have seen me keeping up with 9 kids seven and eight year olds, it was a blast. We swam, played games, did the usual presents/food/dessert stuff, and then watched movies, threw water balloons, you name it. Nathan loved it and I think his buddies did too, including the two girls that slept over. At what age does that need to stop, six? Reese's birthday is the following week so we'll do it all over again just with shorter people. Nathan's birthday was really hard but was such a whirlwind with all the people here that the only time I got upset about Hope not being there in body was when Nathan was making a wish. What else can you wish for but that your Mommy be alive or that your Daddy be safe? It's all I could think about when most kids just want a new scooter. He's been through so much and it amazes me how well both boys are doing. They are much stronger then me, but I know they are and it gives me strength.

I gave all of Hope's things away to a women's shelter which felt really great. The last items I had were the American Cancer Society stuff that I thought others could use. I intentionally went by their office at lunch time hoping to just ditch and run as I did not want to get into all a big discussion about Hope there on that day. The office was empty except one lady saw me walk in with the huge bag. She was sweet, I explained what the stuff was, she asked if I wanted a receipt and I declined, and then as I'm walking out the door she asks me my name. I told her and proceeded to walk out again. She stopped me again and asked for the person's name that had this stuff. I told her it was my wife Hope and really tried to get out of there when she asked me, are you Jake Wise??? Before I could answer she started asking me all about the boys, said how much she loved Hope, what an inspiration she was, wanted to know all about how and what we were doing, you name it. It was so sweet but emotionally draining to hear again. Please don't think I'm saying not to talk about Hope, it's just at certain times I'm not up for it. For example at Hope's brother's house before I saw the mermaids, over the course of 2 days no one brought her name up even once except me a couple of times. Even when I did nobody else said a word. At those times I HOPE you do talk about her but more importantly I HOPE people aren't trying to watch their words around me. I always say what I think, blog what I think, and out of respect please do the same with me. We are all way too PC nowadays and it would be better if we returned closer to our childish innocence.

I am feeling great right now, the boys are in a groove, we are having fun together almost all the time, and the weather is just starting to cool as we approach Hope's favorite time of the year. I know Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hope's birthday, my birthday, Christmas, New Year's, the anniversary of her passing, etc will be tough, but I think I'm in the position to handle them better with the boys alongside. We'll take them on together one day at a time. I will keep blogging and more often again, I'm like the Hoff's career as every time you think (and most of you wish) it's dead it just keeps coming back. I'll be here updating you on Saved By the Bell until at least Tiffany Amber hits the wall (uh-oh, too late). It's too bad we all have to get old, but at least I have mermaids and SBTB (my new texting lingo for the show and only for me to use) reruns, enough to get any growing man through the day.

36 Hours of Needed Torture

2009-08-31T07:50:00.002-05:00

From about 9 AM Friday morning as we were trying to leave for the Hospice groundbreaking until 9 PM Saturday night as I just finished up going through all of Hope's things I experienced what had to be the toughest 36 hours straight since Hope passed away and even comparable to any other period of the same except maybe that fateful Thanksgiving weekend in the ER. Let's start from the beginning, Friday morning at 10 AM was the hospice groundbreaking they asked me to speak and tell our story about our hospice experience. I was trying to slam out a project and then 9 AM came around and I realized not only did I need to leave in a few minutes but I hadn't prepared at all for what I would say. I was the same way for Hope's celebration, I had no idea what I was going to say until I jotted down a few notes over about a 15 minute period before we left back on January 11th and on Friday I only had the time during the 20 minute drive on the way up along with fielding phone calls. I was supposed to drive myself because I had a meeting immediately following but since I could not drive and write down any notes Erin was kind enough to do so so I had a few minutes to put thoughts together.

While I was thinking about our hospice experience I also was thinking about all of the groundbreakings I normally go to for projects. This one was different, it meant so much more. I had to get that point across along with our story. When we got there it was about 95 degrees with no breeze so everyone was warm. The turnout was incredible, easily a couple hundred people. They put me last on the list of 5 speakers which I thought was good, gave me a few more minutes to think about what I might say. Back to the the typical groundbreakings, I wear my company logo shirt, shake hands, fake smile, kiss babies, and say our company name as much as possible. I help people that recognize me but can't remember the name feel comfortable by telling them first, the typical politcal feel good drill. (By the way, my job is about 50% politics, 30% arguing/defending the project, and down to about 20% technical ability. You have to have the technical ability but after that it's 80 to 90% everything you do not learn in school. If I had one bit of advice for prospective civil engineers going private sector, it's make sure you can speak in front of others with spontaneity, make sure you can defend every decision, be practible about what's worth fighting for and what's not (if you can give on something small you can hopefully win on the big stuff most important to your client or budget or timeframe), use humor as much as you can to lighten the situation, and don't take it personal. I've been called a liar more times then I can remember, had the public yell at me, been threatened to the point that I was afraid to walk to my car, I have been accused of twice killing a neighbor to one of our projects by their spouse, and my favorite was that I was going to hell by a pastor/minister.) --- I'm telling you I'm getting much worse with long sidenotes.

Back to the speech, all the others were long drawn out thank you's. Right before I went up Ann-Marie who was sitting next to me told me not to mention penises and vaginas like I did at the church for Hope's celebration so then I really had nothing to say. I went up to the makeshift stage/podium and said I was the civil engineer of record for the project, recently had a hospice experience with the same group so much of the crowd was definitely friendly towards me before I even spoke, and then talked about how this groundbreaking was different, not wearing a logo shirt, not mentioning my company name (CEG), but was willing to kiss any babies available. I then mentioned our company name about 10 times during the presentation which always got a laugh, but only mentioned my wife and never her name. I talked about how my kids called hospice the potato chip place because they were always hopped up on chips on soda while there, gave intimate details about hopsice's first introduction to me, decorating Hope's room, making her comfortable, coming home, going back on Christmas eve, etc. In the end I said I never mentioned my wife's name, and it was HOPE. I hoped everyone could donate to the non-profit hospice, could hope to help others, and in case you missed it my company's name was CEG. I had so many people come up to me afterwards with kind words including one gentleman I worked with over 15 years ago that told me he was going to donate $1000 in Hope's name.

All in all it went well but it really took a toll on me mentally. Erin who had driven me there could see it at the end and started to make up a story about how late we were for the next meeting just to get me out of there. We went to the next meeting, and then on the way back to the office I met two of my partners that had been feuding for a 2.5 hour painful lunch discussion that was beneficial but produced less then I had hoped. Then it was back to the office and before I knew it I was sucked backed into another hour long discussion between the partners. I had absolutely nothing left in me mentally. That night I was looking forward to getting the band back together, Glen and Shannon, Jen, Roo, and Ann-Marie (a couple of others were supposed to come but never showed).

Roo and Man-Marie were with me every day at hospice and when Hope was home, and they started telling stories about her back then. Well Hope became angry and mean towards the end which is only to be expected, and of course it was nothing anyone took personally. However she did things that were just not her personality at all so they were telling story after story. I was laughing along with everyone but then the weight of the earlier part of the day and this discussion really started to bring me down. I felt so isolated, lonely, at times overwhelmed, and even felt like I was going to have an anxiety attack at one point. I went to the bathroom and by the time I got back the subject had changed so I started to feel better. It was one of the first times Roo and Ann-Marie had got together so it was only natural with a couple of other of Hope’s best friends they would talk about it. I wasn’t mad at all, just disappointed in myself. Ann-Marie confided in me that they changed the subject when I got up thinking it might be too much. You just have to love friends that know you so well. I've said it so many times, I'm one lucky dude no matter what I have been through and continue to experience.

That was nothing compared to Saturday. We did our normal play date at our neighborhood park first thing in the morning, had everyone back to our house for swimming and lunch until early afternoon. Then the boys were off to a friend’s house and Ann-Marie came over. We spent the next 6 hours going through everything of Hope’s from the shampoos in the shower, all of her jewelry, make-up, juices, creams, and then her entire closet. Both of us cried a lot, at times I was so overwhelmed I had to walk away and sobbed so hard I fell to the floor. Little things that reminded me of her just took me down like a pair of pajamas, unpacking her hospice bag which I had never done, unwrapped gifts, little memories that would not mean a thing to anyone else. I could not even see through my contacts anymore as everything became foggy. It was kind of like how Wayne saw Tina Carrere in the first Wayne’s World while Dream Weaver was playing over her hard rock music in his head. Except for me it wasn’t Dream Weaver, I was trying to let Hope go more in one major step.

It wasn’t all hard, we found things that made us laugh. At the end I have 6 huge black trash bags of clothes ranging in size from 10 to 2, and the 2’s toward the end were hanging off her like on Spongebob when the evil plankton shrinks every into being a baby. I am taking them today to a woman’s shelter. I imagine that is wear women go when they have no place else for retraining because they failed as a wife by not having dinner hot and ready when her man came home or to relearn how to vacuum, cook, fetch us slippers and another beer, and change the baby while we men get our much needed downtime by boozing and catching up on sports. Seriously it feels really good that we will be able to help so many women that have been through tough times at the shelter and I know Hope would be proud to do it. Now people need help more then ever. We put together one large tupperware tub of the things that reminded us the most of Hope. That way in the future I could go through it with the boys. We saved her other favorite clothes to make 2 quilts and 2 teddy bears, one each for the boys.

We have a few other things to take to Goodwill and back to the American Cancer Society, but those will have to be another day as we are out of room in her Durango. Then came the toughest part of the entire weekend. I had picked up the boys, got them to bed, and was by myself in the house. After over 12 years of never taking it off, rubbing it incessantly through some of my hardest hours when Hope was dying, fidgeting with it all the time when I was bored or nervous about something, I finally took my wedding ring off. It feels so strange, I imagine what a dog feels like after they’re neutered. You’re sniffing around and running aimlessly as you know something is missing that was such a huge part of your life for so long, but yet it’s something relatively minor to everyone else in the world. That night was one of the hardest ever, just walking towards her closet and seeing the stark white walls I would start to cry. Hope’s mom came over the next day to get some things I thought she’d want and she could not even go near the closet. My mom came over later and just sobbed too when she saw it. It’s something that had to happen some time and has been hanging over my head for 7 months, but it was much harder to do then I ever imagined. I still feel sick to my stomach thinking about it and I’m crying just trying to type this blog, but I know it’s a major step in my progress. I don’t love or miss her any less, but I am one major step closer to being whole again without her here physically which is something we talked about over and over again as she was passing away.

So the next morning like a moron I decided to go through the entire kitchen too. I put together another huge bag of good for Goodwill as I spent 4 hours or so doing that. I’m still not sure how I feel about all of this, except that I am relieved that I did it. I will never be able to thank Man-Marie enough for being here to do it. My finger feels weird, I feel like I’m parading through town without pants on. Some people I saw on Sunday noticed right away, others either didn’t notice or didn’t say anything. I still feel foggy on Monday after so much emotion over the weekend but especially that first 36 hours Friday and Saturday. I talked it all through with the boys and they’re good with it, but we had a really tough on me conversation over breakfast Sunday morning about why I took the ring off, about how much I’ll always love Mommy, that some day they could have a stepmom as Nathan asked me that directly, even though we talked about it before. I walked them both through her closet, showed them the stuff we kept and what we’re giving away to help others that need it like giving kids with no toys our old toys. We do that every Christmas and they love to get thank you’s and sometimes pictures depending if we pick a certain family or just give to a charity.

I think they get it, I’m still working on it, but I know the fog will clear, my finger will tan or probably burn the first time it sees the sun, that sick feeling will leave my stomach, and I can slowly start looking for Ms. Right or Ms. Rightnow according to Robin Williams (the first time I typed that I put in Mrs. instead of Ms. and luckily not Mr. so just to be clear I’m not looking for married women or men, at least not right now --- okay just to be clear not married or single men, no men at all but not that there’s anything wrong with that). My 36 hours of torture is over, now the hard part really begins…

Hairy Penis?

2009-08-27T21:33:00.005-05:00

I came home from work the other day after spending half the day at construction job sites sweating with water pouring off me as badly as Rambo in First Blood when Brian Denehy was spraying him down naked with a fire hose (by the way is anyone suprised he was roiding up looking back at these movies? --- maybe it affects your speech too except that Hulk Hogan never stops talking so I'll have to rethink that theory, "Bottom line brotha'...") so I could not wait to change clothes and jump in the pool. The boys always come running out to the garage when they hear me open the door and attach themselves to me like Scooby Doo in Shaggy's arms (Zoik's and Barnacles are my two favorite cartoon expressions for those of you wondering and I'm sure it's been eating at you to know) normally as I have to start walking around like Frankenstein just to balance myself. Anyway on this day Reese followed me into my bathroom where I changed clothes to get my bathing suit on and he asked, "Daddy why do you have a hairy penis?" As I promised Hope I would do I was completely honest and explained to him puberty, showed him hair under my arms, my chest, goatee, my ears and nose unfortunately.

That reminded me of two stories I told at Hope's celebration. One was when I told the kids they could no longer use potty language unless they were in the bathroom (I remember in my head at the time thinking I'm the greatest parent ever and this is really easy to do) so Reese promptly went over the to bathroom, stuck just his foot in it, and said "Daddy is a poopyhead." To this day that's still our rule because I love that he outsmarted me. The second was a time when Natedog asked what sex was. This was when Hope was alive but she could not really talk because of her tongue surgery. So I went on to explain in front of her about penises, vaginas, when two people really love each other or have too much to drink (maybe that wasn't word for word) and covered the other basics. When I was done with the uncomfortable discussion he said to me, "I thought it was just if you were a boy or a girl." Hope laughed as I just blushed before she feverishly wrote down on her note pad to always ask what they think it is first. She was the best mom ever right up to the end, and I'm now withdrawing my name for consideration in the parenting hall of fame.

I went to the kids two open houses back to back this week and while I love all 3 of their teachers (Nathan has 2 because he's in a combined first and second grade class) the open houses are so uncomfortable. They're informative but when you're as tall as me and sit for 120 minutes in those tiny chairs with tiny tables you cannot tuck your legs under you feel like a fat guy in a little coat (classic Tommy Boy line that my boys now quote since they've seen the movie (thank you Maria for the prompting) --- Nathan all the time now points to his cheek and says ..."not here, not here, but right here."). In their classrooms I felt like the tiny hand guy in the Burger King commercials holding the double cheeseburger. By the way, don't we all have a friend we remember with tiny hands or feet? It was Rambling Randy when we were growing up, he could trade shoes with any girl in our class. Hope had the longest fingers and Jennifer (I'll leave the last name out to protect the innocent) had the shortest. Why do I remember such useless information???

I was paying some bills earlier tonight and I always think it's funny that because Hope was so ultra organized last year she ordered holiday stamps and sticker return addresses from the Wise Family with pictures of all 4 of us with santa hats on in order to get a head start on Christmas cards. Of course we never got to those last year but now every bill I pay I put the Christmas return address sticker on the envelope along with a Christmas stamp. Does anyone write real letters anymore or is it just twitters, FB messages, and if you're really old school e-mails and blogs? I have to admit I'm a texting addict and I've been told by the ladies I give good text. Then they tell me how they "just want to be friends." Oh my God it's just like junior high and high school all over again. "It's not you, it's me." "I value our friendship too much to risk losing it over a relationship." "You're ugly and will never amount to anything." The last one was from Mom when I was feeling down. I'm sure you meant that to motivate me Mom, right? Right!?!

I took the boys with some friends to a minor league baseball game last night. They loved it. They each caught a foul ball (I still never have despite going to dozens of games in my lifetime --- the closest I ever got was on dollar Corona night when I was in the beer line and one landed in front of me, I saw it, focused in on it, looked closer, looked around, thought about my bible studies I had spent most of my day focusing on earlier, and then proceeded to slowly bend over to pick it up when I put my hand on top of another man's. It felt like one of those uncomfortable Bromance moments from the movie I Love You Man and somehow I missed the ball. The other second closest time was when I was getting a beer and food (notice a theme) at a Red Sox Spring training game and upon my return the older gentlemen we had made friends with told us Tony Pena hit a foul ball that bounced off my seat. I'm sneaking into their rooms tonight and stealing their balls to call them my own the lucky little punks. Of course now they'll expect to get balls every game and probably be upset if they don't get one. Oh well, for one night they both ran around like they just beat Ivan Drago in Rocky IV.

That reminds me of when Hope recovered after her second battle with cancer I had missed a lot of work and my office really stepped up to help out. As a thank you I bought a suite for a game and took the entire office. While I made the reservation they asked me why and I explained Hope's situation. I then asked if there was any way she might be able to throw out the first pitch. They agreed. As always I was running late so I was hurrying Hope to the field and down to third base where they told me to be for her throw it out. I knew she would never do it if I told her ahead of time so I didn't. Nathan was scurrying behind us at only 3 years old and as she's asking me why we're going down here instead of up to the suite she hears over the PA system, "and throwing out the first pitch tonight Hope and Nathan Wise." She grabs my hand with the meanest look she could ever muster (it was still somewhere between Mary Poppins and Mrs. Doubtfire because Hope just couldn't be mean) and says sternly with a squeeze so hard I swear her fingernails touched through the middle of my arm, "What did you do?!?" She's then hurried out to the mound and proceeds to throw out the first pitch. Nathan was so scared he refused to throw a ball. The catcher then came up, gave them both a ball, and then pulls out an autographed jersey by the entire team. Someone else in my office had called ahead, told them Hope's story, and they decided to do the jersey on their own.

The second movie I have rented since Hope passed was a horror movie which Hope and I love to watch together. Give her a Saw movie, Exorcist, or I Know What You Did Last Summer and she's good to go. By the way who doesn't love a Jennifer Love movie (Hope was a junkie when it came to watching Party of Five and Jennifer Love Hewitt used to be on my list so I only call her Jennifer Lovvvvve to this day) when she's running around in the rain in a white wife beater tank top? Now that's script writing! Anywho, I rented my first horror movie since she passed and I found myself in Blockbuster talking to Hope like I used to on my cellular while she sat in the car with the kids telling her we were going to watch the movie together tonight, just the two of us. I even made my old school popcorn instead of microwave popcorn with real kernels on the stove top like we used to every night in college. It felt like just the two of us that night and I had no regrets that I stayed in even though both boys were spending the night elsewhere. I previously blogged about all of the tough qualities someone would have to overcome to fall in love with me, and this just adds to the list. I know I'm a work in progress at best but I truly feel great and better every day right now.

Today is the hospice groundbreaking for the new building. They asked me to be the last speaker and I haven't even thought about what I'm going to say. I feel so good helping families in need like we were last November and December. I will always be indebted to the Wuesthoff Hospice staff as most of your probably read before in my fundraising letter I wrote to help them out. I just Hope I keep it together like I somehow did for Hope's celebration, I know she'll be there giving me strength. Hope's Mom, my mom, and Hope's best friend Man-Marie will all be there. I've probably donated close to $10k in company time to this project and could not feel better about despite the fact we're hurting so much for work right now. I even offered to purchase 12 flat screen TV's for the 12 individual rooms so the families can have more room and not need large TV cabinets. They did so much for us there is no dollar amount you can put on it. Think of me and send me strength at 10 AM this morning.

In my last blog I talked about how I'm going back much closer to the old me. We've been doing just that. In fact since last Friday I went out with a great friend and my neighbors to listen to live music on the river and then struggled to find real food late before finally settling in on some BBQ; Sat morning we did the sports neighborhood ball playing then had everyone back to our house for a huge pool party and lunch until late afternoon; then we went to Melbourne Beach because the waves were huge due to Hurricane Bill with some friends staying over there as Natedog spent the night, Reese went to Gran's, and I rented the horror movie; Sunday morning I cleaned out and reorganized the garage as it rained; Sunday early afternoon Reese and I borrowed John's truck and added a new 8-foot tall member to our family you just have to come by and see to believe; then late Sunday afternoon back to the beach for the rest of the night for a birthday party for one of Natedog's friends. Monday after work was hairy penis night as we swam in the pool, Tuesday was the two open houses, Wed was the baseball game, Thursday I grilled chicken and made the fancy mac and cheese before we went to Home Depot and Marble Slab for way too much ice cream, tonight we're getting the band back together (who doesn't love the first and only in my opinion Blue's Brothers movie?) with about a dozen high school friends as Glen is visiting from Alabama, Saturday morning we're doing the sports again, Saturday mid-day until late Ann-Marie and I are going through Hope's things for the first time (thanks to Tracy at the kids' school I'm back on track to get that done and do a quilt or two of her clothes), and Sunday we're going back to the beach.

I'm only telling you this because I'm back baby, just like Paul Newman at the end of Color of Money (by the way I don't think Tom Cruise gets enough credit for being such a good actor --- I know it was a stretch for him to play a cocky young guy in that movie which was so different then Top Gun, Risky Business, Jerry Maguire, Mission Impossible, A Few Good Men, Days of Thunder, Cocktail, and even the old school movies like The Outsiders and the football movie when he grew up in the mining town (it was like Varsity Blues only different in so many ways --- don't you love when people describe something like that?) Okay, maybe it's not always a stretch the roles he's played but I still think almost all of his movies are great to outstanding and even though Eyes Wide Shut was horrible thank you Nicole Kidman). Wow, my wandering thoughts are getting worse. I have to go wake up the kids for school, my hairy penis and I are going to suck the life out of every moment today and over the weekend once again. I am one lucky son-of-a-bitch with the greatest family of five here at the house (you can't forget Mocha Polka and of course our newest edition next time you visit which by the way is named Uncle Mert and when you come by I'll tell you why).

Time

2009-08-16T20:33:00.004-05:00

Time is such a simple concept, kids get it when they're young, we all rely on it everyday in almost every aspect of our life, and even though it's our single most valuable resource we don't seem to appreciate it enough and so many of us take it for granted. "I'll have time later," "Not now I don't have time," "It's time for bed so stop having fun," and my favorite "time out" like you're stopping time in it's place. The boys normally do that when I'm about to slam them, throw them across the pool, or during an MMA event when Icarly is fighting Shelby Marks she just calls time out and nobody knows if that is against the rules or not. I love blogging, love spending time with the boys, love playing and watching sports, love just hanging with friends in almost any social situation, love seeing and talking to family via phone or even better during visits, and love potato chips, popcorn, movies, the female body, being outside, exercising my brain and what's left of this body, parts of my work, landscaping at home, playing, and most importantly as I tell the boys all the time I love loving. I love when they give me some sugar as Hope always put it.

So this weekend I decided while sitting at a picnic bench with some friends in my neighborhood (more on that later) that I'm not quite going all the way back to the old me but getting pretty close again. I'm done with the staying quiet at home and trying not to do too much shit because it's just not me. Being boring is boring and I'm not boring. I spent all day today working on the pool deck and in the yard while I wasn't playing with the kids and then decided to have an impromptu cookout. I called 5 sets of friends and 4 came over within a few hours (actually a couple had called me earlier in the day and I wanted to call a couple more but just ran out of time), I told them 4:30 to 5 and did not get back from the grocery store until 4:50 PM. Luckily they all know me well enough to not show up on time. We had 17 for dinner on the spur of the moment, and all I had to buy was buns, steak, and green beans. The rest we already had, my recycle bin is full of beer bottles, we ate like kings steak, brats, dogs, mac and cheese, pilaf, and thanks to my neighbors yellow cake with chocolate frosting. Everyone seemed to have a great time and that's just what I love to do. The boys enjoyed, and that's how I want to spend my time.

I have said many times on this blog that 2009 sucks and I just want it over. Hope passed, the economy sucks, I felt overwhelmed at times keeping up with everything, so I just wanted time to pass faster to get to the point that I knew I would feel better and be doing better. Rach was the first to tell me to enjoy the journey more, not concentrate on the finish line. She's right, I don't want 2009 to end, I want it to slow down, and let me catch up with everything I've missed. I want my boys to enjoy themselves and their friends more and most importantly spend more time with me. I rented a movie for the first time since before Hope passed when I was sitting at hospice for days on end and it was I Love You Man, a real bromance as I remember the previews said. It was okay, nothing compared to the Hangover, Fletch, Tommy Boy, the first Naked Gun, A Fish Called Wanda, Wedding Crashers, or any of the other classic comedies. However I could relate to the guy, trying to make new friends, fitting in with a new set of personal circumstances, etc. except for the part when the guy tongue kissed him after dinner. That part I don't relate to yet, but if my lack of success with women continues I might just try switch hitting.

A friend Judy had an awesome idea since my fam and some others are not playing any sports this fall we should just get together and play with our own kids. This last Sat morning was the first ever playground get together and it was great. We played soccer mostly, but brought footballs, frisbees, dodge balls (who doesn't love this sport from my generation, any chance to whiz a ball as hard as you can just for the chance to nail someone in the family jewels --- I remember Mr. Beeker at Audubon Elementary School when I first moved to Florida whizzing the ball as hard as he could at us kids. I remember nailing him at least once as he tried to leap over the ball but it rose because I threw side arm sometimes and I'm not sure if he was able to have kids after that experience.) We played rents against the kids and the kids of course dominated with the exception of a kick from Tom the entire length of the field. Afterwards all of the kids piled into Todd's truck to go about 500 feet to the playground.

Which of course got us onto the subject of when we were kids we all rode everywhere in the back of trucks. My brother even fell out of a truck once on the way to a canoeing trip. He seemed fine, we certainly didn't want that to hold us up from getting up there, and now that I think of it the fall actually explains a lot about his behavior and decision making over the last two decades. Now all you see in the back of trucks is the occasional dog and rent-a-bum day workers on their way to a job. Otherwise, and I'm not sure if it's against the law or not, it just doesn't happen anymore. Hell, you even have to wear a helmet bike riding, skateboarding, scootering (I think I just made up that word), and even horseback riding. Do they wear them sledding, snow boarding, and skiing now too? Pretty soon we'll have to wear them driving, diving in the pool, or playing on the playground. Not in my day, it was I hope you didn't get that shirt dirty when you fell out of the tree.

The other day I had city council meeting so Reese went from babysitter in the morning, to nanny in the afternoon, to Gran in the evening and when Gran was tucking Reese into bed he said the sweetest thing. "Dad did not get to play with me all day" in the most sympathetic voice for me possible. He was worried about me because I did not get to enjoy playing with him. That's exactly how I feel on those types of days as I'm sure all parents do but he actually gets it and put it into words. Amazing! He also said the other day out of the blue that he wants to see mommy when she comes back alive. Now we taught him growing up and I still believe that you leave your body but your soul continues to live and someday you are reborn into a new body but with your same soul. I believe this because I believe we've all had past lives. Now I don't think we were all famous people as so many like to talk about. That got me thinking though, how do I know this will happen, how long does it take if it does happen, does that mean Hope won't possibly be there for me when I eventually pass away, or do we all make up this shit just to make ourselves feel better about the unknown. I can tell you this with all certainty (and if you read my hospice letter or blogs after Hope passed you know it's true) that Hope left this Earth for a much better place the way she looked at me one last time, smiled, and then simply left her body. That moment was unforgettable as she had not opened her eyes in many days, smiled in weeks, and the peacefulness of the moment gave me peace in my heart.

Back to the boys as I wipe away my tears because the monitor is getting foggy, they had a stuffed animal party the other day. They gathered up every stuffed animal in the entire house and put them on the family room couch. They then began collecting my underwear, dirty or clean, from the entire house and started wrapping up the animals in them. They kept laughing and saying the animals like my underwear. So next time you come over and want to help out picking up a stuffed animal you may want to reconsider unless you want to touch my underwear. Now if that is the case please come on over ladies.

Speaking of underwear, the other night Reese was in the bathroom before bed and had pooped but did not ask me to wipe his bum. I asked him about it and he said I didn't need to. So we went back in the bathroom and sure enough he tried a bit to do it himself. Their was toilet paper and poop everywhere, on the toilet, on the floor, in the waste basket, on the rug, etc. I was furious and spent at least 30 minutes cleaning up poop on everything. He just said he did not think he needed to wipe. So I then quizzed him mercilessly about asking for Daddy or whatever safeside adult is with him to help, did you ever do this before ("No daddy, no" repeatedly), what do you do when you start school on Monday (his answer for the record at first was "not tell anybody.") So we went through why it's so important to get help even at school and that when he gets older he'll learn to do it himself and most importantly was to verify once again this was definitely the only time he had done it before ("yes daddy.")

At this point he's 30 minutes late to bed so I take him upstairs and make him pee one last time as we do every night and what do I find in the upstairs bathroom? That's right, but this time it's dried up poop and toilet paper all over the place. Do you have any idea how hard it is to clean up day old dried up poop? Well let me tell you it's that's some hard shit. I'm not sure if I was more mad at the rock hard stick to whatever surface you find poop or the fact that he lied to me about never doing this before. I just lost it, cleaned it all up, tucked him in, and then proceeded to call my neighbor and tell her the entire story. She laughed so hard that I could not help but to calm down. The next day the nanny was changing his bed and found a wadded up pair of underwear under his bed that had dried up poop in it. The nanny deserves a raise already and since I was not drinking anymore I think I pulled enough hair out to look like Ed O'Neill (Al Bundy from Married with Children). By the way I saw a preview for a new show where he plays an old man married to a young hot chick. That's what I'm hoping for, a 25 year-old millionaire temptress with bad eyes and no taste that will sweep me off my feet.

What else? Oh thank you Whitney after my last blog she brought me flipside crackers and triscuits as a thank you for watching her daughter a few different days as she set up her new classroom. One night I didn't feel like cooking so I took her two kids and mine to a restaurant by myself. The five of us had the coolest conversations and one uncomfortable trip to the bathroom because I could not leave any behind and she has one daughter. So there's five of us in the bathroom together, with only one urinal and one handicap stall. Needless to say that's just one more reason I'm glad I don't have a daughter.

If Lynn in Tampa reads this blog, please send me your e-mail address. I intentionally did not respond to your first comment on the blog because you were newly diagnosed and had only read enough of the blog to see when Hope was doing well. You had not read at that point that she did eventually pass away. I cannot respond to comments on the blog and I'd like to talk to you via e-mail or more to see if I can help you or your family in any way. Our situation was very unique, and we learned so much we just want to help others. Please contact me again so maybe we can help you. Hope and I are both in much better places now, and hopefully your family can do much better then us.

Time, I'm out of it for tonight. I really do feel good, like I'm back more then ever, and I'm going to spend my time the way I want to as much as I can. I've followed the path of craziness, boringness, and now I'm seeking out one level below craziness. I'm looking for love in all the wrong places (that should be a country song and probably already is) so I'm going to search inward and play outward with the boys. Time to go, my time is up, timeout, and it's time for me to move on. Hope like I tell you every night, I love you like water, I miss you, I must move on, and I am ready to do that hopefully when time gives me the chance. I'm holding onto the rest of 2009, it's going to be a hell of a fun ride.

Tina freaking call me, Anna/Will get your asses down here and I'm thinking about your neighbor too, Ann-Marie I love you and I need you next weekend to go through Hope's stuff if you're ready, Rochelle it was great to see you even though I know you don't read this, Mom I love you and don't say it enough, Andrea I know you don't read this anymore for your own reasons but I will always be grateful, Gran and Grandmama the boys love you so much and we hope to make a trip up this year to see Grandmama, Rach keep Sister Hazel rocking, Jess and Joe you are about to initiate the most amazing experience of your life and none of us could be happier for the most deserving Mom I've ever known at the same time Pat and Danielle are close to doing the same, Gram and Gramp I still think of you every day and miss you at times as much as Hope, Sarah I think about you all the time too but don't make the connection like I should and there is nothing in this world I regret more, Dad I miss you even though you are still around, Dennis even though I never say it thank you for making Mom happy and giving us security in insecure times, Kurt I love you and you have helped me more then you will ever know, Luke you better get me Adam's e-mail address soon, Domingo and Marianne I'm sorry and I hope you are both in better places now, Shelby and Lauren I think of you guys all the time and wish I could do something to make it easier, Kari I hope you find your happiness in whatever your next adventure brings you, Kris thank you for calling, Maria I'm worried about you and want to help but I'm not sure what I can do (just know I think about you all the time), Christy your visit was inspiring and incredible, Scott and Amy we have to find a way to do it more often (and I have no idea if you guys read this), Whitney thank you for the lists and so much more, and to Natedog and Pieces I love you more than life itself and know that everything I do, I do it for you (I think I stole that line from Bryan Adams or was it Meatloaf --- by the way Hope and my song was Paradise by the Dashboard Lights by Meatloaf, if you don't know it download it and if you haven't heard it in a while play it again). That reminds me of the old BJ (bungee jumping according to Anna) 105 radio station call-outs, which is where I called to play "You're the Inspiration" by Chicago to Karen when we were dating in 5th grade. I still know every lyric to that song. Finally getting back to time, I wish I had more of it with Hope but also everyone else referenced in this e-mail tonight. I love you all and it's time I appreciate that more.

- Just Jake.

A Few Random Thoughts

2009-08-05T21:25:00.003-05:00

I sent an e-mail response to a friend today that they had in one long run-on sentence paragraph (a fellow let it all go at once typer) given me about 3 or 4 "holy shit I can't believe that's all going on at once and I'm just hearing about it now" moments. I was in a hurry because the kids were putting shoes on to go outside for a bike ride, to shoot some hoops, and then swim. Anyway I did it in bullet form like I was writing a boring engineering memorandum because everyone loves lists, pictures, tables and graphs and almost everyone hates long paragraphs to read (then why is it again anyone reads my blogs --- I may have to rethink my own logic there). So I thought I'd try it tonight like this:

Nathan and Reese had their registration for school today, Natedog is in the same class as last year as they combine 1st and 2nd graders but Reese is at the big boy school this year and he got to meet his new teacher. Natedog starts on Monday, I can't believe summer ends so soon for us nowadays. At least we get out in February for summer break...
I had drinks one night with Reese's teacher so I got to know her pretty well after one of the fundraisers we did a few months ago. I know she can handle 4 year olds and her booze, a good combo as long as it's not at the same time.
My A/C is fixed as of Monday afternoon. The bill is going to be so large they could not even leave me an estimate. Am I in the wrong business? You work your ass off for about 6 hot months and then you basically have the next 6 off because nobody cares if their A/C goes out for the other half of the year. Sign me up!
If you haven't tried Flipside crackers, half pretzel, half cheddar, half amazing (that makes 150% cracker for you math people --- I know Dennis and Kris you don't get that one).
When should I start Nathan and Reese on allowances? They want everything now and I make Nathan pay for things with the money he has but I think if he earned it he and Reese would do better with the asking for everything mentality. What chores should he get paid for as he already has a bunch he has to do for nothing? Come on Mom's out there, help a new mom/dad out.
The nanny (I feel like a snob saying I have a nanny) started Monday and she's been great. They checked out 16 library books and already read most of them. I haven't read that many books in my life unless cliff notes or subtitles count.
Since the A/C went out I bought the kids back to school clothes last weekend (anything with air was great to visit). I had everything washed this morning and they loved wearing them all day, they went through about 3 pairs of shorts, 3 or 4 shirts, and a bathing suit each today. Now I have to do all that damn laundry again but they loved it.
No I don't, the nanny does (okay I have to start calling her something else because it reminds me of Fran Drescher which by the way I'm very proud of the fact that I never once watched an episode of her show although I did love her as an interview on the Howard Stern show --- how about paid grandma instead of nanny? Nope sounds like a prostitute fetish.)
By the way, I haven't heard Howard since he went to Sirius but nobody can argue he wasn't one of the best interviewers ever except maybe an early, early David Lettermen. He doesn't care if he offends you at all and nothing is off base although sometimes he goes over the top with the sexual stuff.
Speaking of which, when is anonymous numbers 1 and 2 going to reveal themselves to me (physically or just your name would be cool)? I've been lonely, but in a good way.
Over the last 2 weeks since my brother left I have stayed home or done something with just the boys or a couple of their friends every night but one. I have not drank at all except for over the weekend a couple of times and wine at Carrabba's with my mom. She's a lush so I have to indulge her (actually one glass and she's good, two and then I have one kid on each leg and Nana around my neck as I try to walk out --- a cheap date though, way to go Dennis and that just doesn't sound right about my mom).
Speaking of when my brother visited, I introduced him to the world of all female roller derby. Even though my first experience included being forced to drink Bud Lime it was incredible so I had to share. If you've never attended it's something that just has to be added to your bucket list. I've added quite a few items onto my bucket list but many not even I can share with some of the folks that read this blog --- I mean do you know how many midgets and donkeys read this thing?
I'm sure you've figured out I don't edit these, use spellcheck and the backspace is almost never touched. Whatever the freak flows out in my mind is typed with the speed of Jacob Ellsbury, Rajon Rondo, or at least everyone knows the Randy Moss reference.
By the way Randy Moss went to FSU for about 2 weeks as a freshmen. He was already being compared to Neon Deion Sanders when he had to go back to his high school to serve a weekend jail sentence for a fight. He knew he'd be drug tested but lit up anyway with his old running buddies from high school so they had to cut him and the rest is history.
Speaking of lit up, I have the munchies like I was toking. I've moved on from Flipsides to carrots with hummus. I love hummus, and how much do you love now that you can buy pre-cut, pre-peeled carrots. In my day we had to wash the dirt off them, peel the skin off the carrot and your thumb sometimes, cut the top and bottom, and if you had a skinny one you almost didn't get to eat anything. Man kids today don't know how good they've got it!
That was a theme in my last blog, and I got some great responses. One friend did their thesis on the subject, another compared Atari to the Wii (remember on Atari you were just a square and you could not win games, it just got harder and faster until you were killed --- kind of like life), we didn't have remotes so channel surfing did not exist (plus we only had about 8 stations unless we would hold the antennas no matter how much aluminum foil we tried), and there was no caller ID or call waiting, you got a busy signal and you had no idea who it was until you picked up the phone.
I've thought of a few more, such as we had to actually go to an encyclopedia to look shit up (how many of your kids have even seen one before?) since the internet did not exist, I remember taping on cassettes songs off the radio (I was always slow and missed the very beginning of the song) and HBO comedy concerts instead of just downloading, we used phone books, and and in order to see boobs we went to National Geographic instead of googling Pamela Anderson and all the ones we saw were real.
I somehow melted Nathan's new zoo water bottle in the dishwasher, please don't tell him but it went from Bill Russell to Gary Coleman in there.
Back to my quiet 2 weeks here, it's been good. I'm almost caught up on things I'd been putting off way too long and we've had fun. Tonight the boys rode bikes and scooters while I jogged down to where we saw 4 deer including a fawn. They kept watching us but let us get within about 40 feet of them. I needed to slow down a bit and refocus again. Although Whitney was asking me how it was going a couple of days ago and I asked her, is that what normal people do because it's boring a lot? I don't ever want to become one of those full fledged adults.
I still haven't watched any TV except for the end of a couple of sporting events, 6 or 8 Family Guys while folding laundry, and the occasional Spongebob with the boys which I believe is now on 24 hours per day. I thought about canceling cable but football season is coming including FSU/Miami in prime time baby opening Labor Day weekend! And while I'm at it, Tom Brady has something to prove so look out record books.
I do get very lonely at night. I called about a half dozen friends/family members last night that I thought would be up late and not one answered. I really want back what I used to have and I am scared I will never find it again. My mom waited 10 years before she found the right guy after my Dad walked out on us when I was 2 and Kurt was 1. I want to fall head over heels in love with just the right person (I actually do mean woman despite my 2 Keys trips this summer) that will get me (good luck with that!), love my children like their own, be spontaneous and funny, enjoy sports and horror movies, not have very high standards for men, always has soft hands and great lips because hand and lips are by the far the most important two physical attributes on any women in my opinion (see I can actually say something serious about body parts and not mention boobs --- dammit I almost made it), and most importantly be filthy rich so I can retire.
I am accepting applications, please include pictures, videos, and measurements of your bank account size.
Speaking of nighttime, after I tuck the boys in I now sit at the top of the stairs by myself in the dark and talk to Hope. I just feel like I'm closer to her up there and that was always her favorite room in the house (come to think about it that should feel like a blow to my ego since the bedroom was not her favorite).
Damn I just finished the box of Flipsides (yes I switched back for the salt) and I don't drink coffee or much other caffeine but I'm still wide awake.
That reminds me of one of my favorite comedian lines, "I like my coffee like I like my women, with big boobs." Now that's comedy.
I don't have any Triscuits, no house should ever run out of Triscuits. Can somebody come over and watch the kids so I can run to the 24-hour Walmart?
By the way, have you ever hit Walmart from about 1 AM until 3 AM? What a freak show! It's surprisingly busy and it's always hilarious watching drunks argue with the checkout lady that they should be able to buy 4 bottles of Riesling at 2:01 AM no matter what Sam Walton says. I love that they have 230 employees across the store stocking and blocking aisles so that it's like a labyrinth to find the freaking milk as you find yourself climbing up stacked pallets of sloppy joe and lima bean cans (who the hell is buying this stuff anyway that they need 8 feet high stacks of them?) just in hopes of finding your way out of the maze. Then you get to the 80 checkout lines after snaking (I hate snakes, I mean meandering like I like my sidewalk designs) and there is one checkout girl (230 employees and one checkout girl, really Sam!?!). I remember one time I was in a hurry and a woman in front of me was short on cash so she was trying to decide what to put back and asking the price of everything. Finally I just gave her the money she needed so I could get home for the 4 AM Sportscenter.
It may not sound like it but I do love my life. I've been through hell not only with Hope but also some other tough times. I appreciate so much the kids, family and amazing friends I am lucky enough to have. Despite the tough times we are still hanging in there even though it's still extremely tough at work. Some day I hope I get to share it again with the right person but for now I need to just appreciate more what I have now. One day at a time, no fast forwarding, enjoy the moment because you just never know.
The Hangover is one of the funniest movies I've ever seen. How did that idea not come out sooner??? It's the only movie I've seen this year I think although we almost made it to Ice Age 2 last weekend.
When the hell is Dustin Diamond's tell-all book coming out about Saved by the Bell?
Would someone write the same book about Knight Rider? What was Bonnie really like when she didn't have the lone grease swipe across her cheek and how did Devin Knight make his fortune? Was the Hoff just as cool in person and did he actually jump off the dressing room sink to get into those jeans? Is the new series off the air yet, how about the Geico ape men TV show? I really think the english accented talking gecco would have been a better show. I never got to watch either but it's amazing someone gets a paycheck for these ideas.
Speaking of ideas, I had one the other day as I took the ferry over to Amelia Island. You could have a James Bondesque chase scene in cars and then they get on the ferry, bumper to bumper, but aren't allowed to get out of the vehicles so they just yell at each other through the windows. Then the ferry ties off and away they go.
Finally I had only 2 comments from my last blog and I really enjoy the feedback so please keep them coming. If you can't figure out how to comment as many have told me e-mail me at hopewise@cfl.rr.com. Send porn, remember I'm lonely.

I really am feeling better, it amazes me how much the human psyche can affect a person. I was much more of a mess then I ever thought I was at the time but I think nature does that on purpose because then you would just freak out and get worse. Now I just can reflect back to what a nut job I was as all of you knew and didn't call me out. Thanks, I think.

Sweating to the oldies and everything else

2009-08-02T22:18:00.004-05:00

I'm actually listening to Counting Crows, My Friend Steve, Death Cab for Cutie, Bob Marley, Matchbox 20, and Steve Miller Band right now (i.e. not Richard Simmons in his short shorts) but our A/C went out on Saturday AM so we are literally sweating to everything. We have two A/C units for our house and one of the controllers would not work so I messed with the other one trying to figure out what was wrong with the first. Well I fucked up the other one so as of Saturday morning we had no A/C in the house at all and August in FLA is not quite as enjoyable without it as I'm sure you can imagine.

I grew up begging my parents every day for a pool once we moved to FLA and they never did it. To this day they still come over to my house and swim all the time. In fact, when Hope and I bought our first house the very first thing we did was put in a pool. How anyone lives in FLA without a pool and especially in the summer when your A/C goes out I'll never understand. Thanks mom, I know you read this so here's one more thing you can feel guilty about because that's what mom's do for the most part. I won't bring up the other ones that get you going like when you spanked my bottom until your hand hurt more than my bum or threw a hyper mental spasm as we lovingly refer to it.

When I think about how I grew up and everything went through or worse what my parents went through when they were kids versus now it's amazing the difference. Our children are so freaking spoiled and they have absolutely no clue how easy they have it (I'll bet my mom wrote a journal saying the same thing because there were no blogs or twitters back in the day, I'm not sure she had electricity yet). Every once in a while when the kids are fussing because they don't get to have ice cream at that moment knowing they will have it in a few hours or had it a few hours earlier I just want them to go back to my childhood or even worse my parents' childhood. I have a strong work ethic because I watched my mom and grandparents work so hard and struggle with every penny they earned to get through the month and while my kids watch me work hard I'm not sure it's the same. I worry my own children and their generation won't have the same ethics for hard work and honesty. Anything to get ahead and get money fast seems to be what I hear more then what can I do to work harder and earn more.

Now I seriously did not have it bad at all even though we grew up with basically no money except the bare minimums (on welfare at times --- my mom no matter how tough it got would not let us be on the reduced lunches at school because she did not want other kids to tease us) because I never felt unsafe or unloved as a child thanks to Mom (even though I love busting on her now I owe everything to my mom and her parents, Gram and Gramp). We may have had a tiny apartment, all borrowed furniture, hand-me-down or homemade clothes from our cousins, a black and white TV with rabbit ears, but we were never lacking of love and safety. I know I've told you many times before Mom, but I will never be able to thank you enough no matter how much I bust on you and I hope my children have half the gratitude Kurt and I owe you as you sacrificed everything to take care of us first. I love you mom, even though I don't say it enough.

Enough of the sappy stuff, since we had no A/C I took the boys all day shopping (maybe I'm the problem even though we had not done this since before Hope passed), running errands, we tried the movies but didn't make it, and anything else that had A/C. We played all morning until it started to get really hot, and then all 3 of us jumped in the shower to clean up (it's summer so normally cleaning up relies on chlorine and not actual soap and heated water) because it had been a couple of days for the boys. By the way, at what age should we stop showering together? It's so easy I don't want to ever stop but I'm thinking if Nathan is in junior high school doing it with others maybe it's time to stop with Dad. If it's illegal then I'm just kidding as far as you know.

Since Kurt left I've spent the week with just the 3 of us for the most part, doing nothing but stuff around the house. I did not drink at all most of the nights just to make sure I could (whew, I was starting to worry but it wasn't hard at all just needing to work in new routines) so we just stuck together. I am redoing most of the plants on our pool deck and just about completed that before the neighbors came over last night. I think I'm going to stick to the quiet uneventful last week before school starts next Monday (can you believe Natedog starts on 10 August and Reese on the 17th?) except for the last weekend. I'd like to do one last fun summer thing and now that we've got all their back to school taken care of we're wide open for something. Hope always loved getting the kids new stuff for school and starting a new schedule (she was the master planner) every year. I cannot tell you how much I'm looking forward to it after going through the worst ever first 7 months of 2009. I can't wait for 2010 but in the meantime will make the best out of what's left for this year.

The nanny starts today in no A/C and will watch the boys two days this week before she takes over after school and maybe a morning or two next week. I did some laundry out of habit this weekend but look forward to not doing that anymore. I know Hope would approve of her and what we're doing now, I think I had her worried for a while there (I started to worry myself too). I was on a conference call for a project last Friday when an engineer that was designing a performance based septic system (this is normally when Hope would start to roll her eyes and talk like the teacher on Charlie Brown --- waa, waa, wawa; waa, waa, wawa) spoke up that I had never met before. He worked at the same company Hope did but only after she left and never met her. He went on for about 2 or 3 minutes about how everyone at that company loved her so much and even though she had been gone for years they still talked about her all the time.

While I really appreciate how much people love and respect Hope it's hard to hear some times, especially when you're not expecting it. Me, I actually had nothing to say to it on a conference call so there was this terribe long awkward pause before I uttered thanks. I wish more people told Hope how they felt when she was alive, so I once again implore you to let people know how you feel about them (especially when it's positive). I love Hope with all my heart but the show and of love and support for her and our family is something that has been indescribable. I know I'm a lucky son-of-a-gun for so many reasons so please no pity for us, love the ones in your life, appreciate that they are even there, try not to take things like your health for granted, and try to find that balance between work and fun. I'm still working on the latter, but in the meantime the boys and I are sweating to everything.

That reminds me that the one thing Hope and I argued about the most was A/C, whether it was in the car or the house. She loved it always on, always making sure there was zero humidity wherever she was at. I always love the fresh air even if it is humid (well not this hot and humid) so we would fight over when to open windows in the house and car. I know I've said this before, but it's the little things you miss the most. Like in Good Will Hunting when Robin Williams talks about his deceased wife and how she farted in bed and he would blame the dog (I've actually got away with this one too before with Shadow and now Mocha). Nobody knows the little things like that but a couple and it's the hardest thing you miss. No matter how late I got to bed I would always say the same thing to Hope when I got in and she would always reach over and touch me. I remember a couple of times when I fell asleep on the couch she would come out at 3 AM and say she reached over and I wasn't there. Unlike Robin Williams in Good Will Hunting I am working on moving on for the kids and I. I know we can do it with a little help from Hope and cold air.

Too Busy for Blogging

2009-07-28T22:45:00.003-05:00

Since my last blog we've just been too busy for blogging. The boys and I hit the Keys again, this time staying in Duck Key at a duplex on the water. We went fishing, swimming, boating, and the boys even snorkeled out in the ocean for the first time. We got back at 3:30 AM because I had a county commission meeting the next morning and then the next day my brother came into town for almost a week. We even squeezed in an all female roller derby event that was highlighted by the BYOB family atmosphere and watching half the girls in the parking lot at halftime drinking more then I could. Kurt just left yesterday and I'm exhausted.

Before I forget some of the last blog comments were some of my favorites to date like bungee jumping, Hope for the tiny ta-tas, enjoying the journey more (great advice) and not just seeking the ultimate destination, dreams about us not flushing enough, and a quote from the Hoff about blowing his own mind. You guys are the best and I can't believe I missed his birthday. Where are my freaking priorities!?!

I regressed some since the last blog as I believe I was trying to run away again, do too much to be able to think, and all the while pulling my kids through it at the same time. Don't get me wrong, they're doing great, but they also need some down time with Dad at the house without 100 things going on. So since Kurt left and for the most part the rest of the summer that is ending on 10 August for us, we're huddling down together and taking it easy. We watched a movie and ate popcorn last night, swam and read books tonight, and maybe we'll catch up on those bible studies tomorrow night since my brother would not let me do so when he was visiting. Nathan has zoo camp this week and is loving it so far.

Reese got into the VPK class at Nathan's school so that should be much easier on me next year. I'm interviewing a nanny tomorrow that if all goes well after surviving my mom's and office manager's screening process will begin helping us when school starts back up. The kids will have more consistency, I don't have to pay much more then the two aftercare programs I was paying for, she cooks, cleans a little like helping to pick up things, but most importantly and the final sale for me is that she'll do laundry! No more matching socks at 2 AM or restarting the dryer 14 times to keep things from being wrinkled but then forgetting and starting all over again.

It's late and I have to get some sleep or I'll fall asleep tomorrow during the interview and will probably negotiate a $100/hour salary in my dreams for the nanny. However, I was honored recently by the hospice that took care of my family to write our story so that they could share it as part of their fundraiser for a new hospice house. If you've read previous blogs you know we're fortunate enough to be part of the engineering team on the project, and were involved even before we had experienced the non-profit hospice. Since then I cannot do enough to help them because of the amazing support they provide families through donations. Unfortunately my business has become not for profit too lately but at least projects like this one and a few others make it feel good. They will be sending it out in over 20,000 letters. If we can help even one more person make a donation that would be incredible. Hope already had the most donations ever for any one person. Anyway, for those of you interested in reading what I put together I cut and paste it as follows (sorry for the loss of your evening if you do take the time to read it) and I would appreciate any feedback, suggestions, criticisms, etc you may have especially from Tina and Anna, my two favorite english/speech teachers:

HOPE for Hospice

The moment pierced my soul like no other in my short life to date. It was everything I had HOPED for, feared, prayed for, and the beauty of the moment made all of the previous months’ pain and suffering disappear because we had together, like everything we accomplished the previous twenty years together, finally achieved ultimate serenity for the love of my life. HOPE was the birth name of my two young boys’ mother. They are only four and seven, and learning the toughest life lesson through their own young eyes. To understand how we got to the moment, we have to step back in time like a Wayne’s World sketch to six weeks earlier…doo, doo, do; doo doo do; doo doo do; as the screen gets all fuzzy from my tears as much as the SNL special effects.

It was Thanksgiving weekend 2008, six months after her last surgery, and all she could do was let me carry her limp body out to the swing on the front porch to feel the sunshine for a few moments. HOPE had beaten cancer three times already, once after each child’s birth, and a third time going through a surgery that removed half of her tongue. Multiple chemos and radiation, 15 surgeries, more drugs then Johnny Depp in Blow, and combining holistic remedies such as acupuncture became normal. Throughout all of this she embraced the battles with the spirit of a warrior that made Rocky Balboa look like a pansy. The torture she put her body through to be with her children and I made the Saw movies seem like they were playing the kids game Operation.

The Saturday after Thanksgiving we are back in the ER where we had spent many nights before but this time my confidence and determination was vanishing although I could not let on to HOPE. The doctor pulled me out from behind the curtain unlike any previous visit and before they could say a word my eyes focused on the scan with the white wall behind it as I had become by necessity fluent in doctorese. My eyes stared it down like when I bought the “x-ray” glasses from the back of the comic book to see through clothes (I think the internet has put them out of business now).

As they started to talk I did not hear a word, I did not have to. I could see Snoopy (we named cancer Snoopy because who doesn’t feel good when they think about Snoopy?) enveloping itself all around what was left of her tongue, neck and throat. There would not be any more surgeries and treatments in her life, the warrior was defeated, the toughest person I ever met did not have to fight anymore after seven years, and I had to tell her six hours before her 36th birthday. When I walked back behind the curtain instead of seeing the Wizard of Oz like I had hoped, her sky blue eyes stared into mine and she just nodded because she already knew. HOPE always knew her body best and in her words she did not want to ruin her favorite holiday Thanksgiving. We just started talking about the future of our children and me without the love of our lives in it anymore.

Soon thereafter, the confident take on the world person I had become to get my family through this was overwhelmed with decisions including the children, my own decade old business, the house she had always kept immaculately, so many medical bills it felt like a clown car at the circus every time I opened the mailbox, handling family and friends updates, and my only true desire was to spend every moment with my wife and children. I felt like a puppy dog trying to drink from a fire hydrant. Then the nurse told me someone was coming downstairs from hospice, and I remember with the clarity of the time my first child was born, the conversation we had in the makeshift conference room that was normally the nurse manager’s office.

Suddenly we had a place to go that was not another hospital room, where they did not have nurses with too many patients, they didn’t have the world’s most uncomfortable fold you up like a pretzel leatheresque chair for me to sleep on, they had an individual room, a place for visitors to sit comfortably when she was not up for company, a kitchenette for me as I practically lived there, a place for my children to play during their visits, and most importantly more love from people that started as strangers but instantly became closer to us then family and friends we had known our entire lives. They were treating only her discomfort for the first time, and she was generally comfortable which we had not enjoyed in over six months. Hospice worked with us for weeks to get HOPE home for Christmas and it actually happened just a few days before the holiday.

Mommy was home the days leading up to Christmas, and we knew it was our last together as a family in the flesh. They had nurses stay with us part time, they taught me to administer all of her drugs when she needed them, and even fix her tracheotomy if it popped out which did happen once at 3 AM. They took care of every detail, visited all the time, the hospice doctor made house calls, they brought every supply we could possibly need, let her stay in her own bed, and my boys had mommy home until Christmas Eve. She had regressed too much and late in the afternoon on Christmas Eve so with only one phone call, everyone was back leaving their own families to help mine on the holiest of holidays to bring HOPE back to the hospice. Not one complaint, just welcome back with more smiles and love then I had seen at any family reunion except maybe the Happy Days reunion show when I realized for the first time Fonzi was short and not so tough compared to my memories.

We made hospice our home for two more weeks through the holidays and all they did was make my wife, my children, my family and friends, and me comfortable every moment of every day at all hours. My children did not survive; they thrived through all of this because of hospice. I will always be grateful to the strangers that almost instantly became family (and not normal family, the ones you like to be around). That takes me back to THE moment…

My love had not opened her eyes in days, her breathing was sparse at best, cancer was taking over her organs, her face was so swollen she looked like Peter Griffin on Family Guy, I was holding her hand, rubbing her head and hair as she was looking beautiful after the hospice family had cleaned her up just a couple of hours earlier, and praying and begging HOPE to let her body go. Suddenly she moved her head to look at me, opened her sky blue eyes one last time, she smiled like the day we married, and then escaped her failing body.

HOPE’s spirit is soaring and even though our love is not here in the flesh, her story can help so many others with your assistance. Hospice is building a new house just down the road from the one that became my family’s sanctuary. My wife had cancer four times in seven years with no history in the family and she did not drink or use tobacco. She’s the only woman I knew that didn’t have to make any changes to her eating/drinking when she got pregnant except for the endless nights of pizza we endured during the first trimester. I only mention that because anyone’s life can all change in a moment no matter how they live it. Our entire experience through all of this can be followed via our blog at hopeforthetatas.blogspot.com (HOPE started the blog and named it for the record). I never had any idea what hospice was until the most overwhelming moment in my life. I still go back and visit our hospice family six months after her death and am doing everything possible to help them help other families. I am reliving the most painful time in my life to reach out to you in hopes you will give HOPE to other families in need by donating to the Wuesthoff Hospice House project. My children and I will always have HOPE with us and we will always be grateful to our hospice family.

Wow!

2009-07-13T20:21:00.003-05:00

As I'm sure everyone knows that reads my blog (previously Hope's blog that I took over only because she could not do it anymore and then ultimately it became my own sanctuary and best mental support that I did not have to pay for) that I put myself out there all the time. I type out my personal feelings about every aspect of what I have and am going through. I also because of who I am have always been joking around at the same time. Anyone that knows me well knows I don't ever put LOL or smiley faces sideways because I've always felt if you know me, you know when I'm joking and when I'm serious. If you can't tell, get to know me better then. And of course, the ridiculous cup size comments were a complete joke. I know my limitations, I'm not the best looking guy, not the biggest guy, not the smartest guy, not the richest guy, not the easiest guy and the list can go on and on.

However, I might be the most compassionate and/or passionate guy about every aspect of my life as I don't do anything half way. I'm either 110% in, or not at all in anything I do. If I say I'm going to do something it either happens or I kill myself trying to make it happen. I am lonely, I am looking for what I used to have, I do HOPE to find love again, I do HOPE to find someone to share my passions with, and I understand I am only 6 months removed from one of the toughest life events that is imaginable. I am trying to improve every day, but every day is a struggle. It's well past midnight, I should be trying to catch up on some sleep, yet I find myself once again struggling even though I can't pinpoint why. Man-Marie called me tonight before I had a chance to even get home from an overnight work trip and read the blog comments laughing because two anonymous commenters were fighting back and forth between each other. Of course she did not help by jumping into the fray, but if you know her and love her that's just Man-marie.

I don't mind anyone flirting via blog comments (especially since they are anonymous I can imagine they have junk in the trunk, the ability to make-up for other inadequacies ((I have plenty of my own as I've previously blogged about so I know how that feels)), if anonymous number one is actually silicone Cindy from the Keys ((of course cup size does not matter except in Cindy's case as I've never been more mesmerized by meaningless conversation)), or if like we say to everyone that owns a Corvette (sorry about your penis --- with the exception of my brother-in-law John of course) we try to overcompensate in other ways. In the end, I hope that like me nobody takes any of it too seriously. Give me shit all you want, flirt a little, enjoy the fucking moment because that's what Hope would have told you and did tell me over and over again (maybe not exactly in those terms as she was always more eloquent). She enjoyed every moment that we were together, we had the ultimate life together for as long as we were able, I miss her every day but admittedly less every day, I hurt every day but less each day now, and we all have to be able to move on. I'm not there yet but getting closer with each moment. I will always love Hope, my boys will always come first, but I hope to find love again to share my life with some one (although you will have to put up with a lot and have a sense of humor about yourself above all else).

One more thought I've shared with a few close friends, I am done with the love thing dammit. I only want to marry for money from here on out because the love thing is too hard and who wouldn't want to retire at age 36? I was in Amelia Island today looking at multi-million dollar condos and single family homes inspecting a suspect drainage system thinking this could be me if I play my cards right. I even walked down to the pool and beach seeing if I could spot the future Mrs. Wise but they just thought I was a lawn boy so that didn't go over as well as I'd hoped. The boys don't need a good stepmom, they need a good nanny and butler. A Durango won't do when a Land Rover or Lexus convertible SUV is available (I think I made up that vehicle).

I'm finally getting my priorities right, so if Anonymous number 1 is serious please show me how you make up for cup size with the almighty dollar assuming that's what you meant (and not other functions that by the way are more important then money --- jokes again, okay only sort of). I am lonely and therefore easily turned on, but I am also realistic and doing better every day with priorities. I am not perfect, I am happy to point out my many faults, I am comfortable with them, I will continue to point them out to anyone that will listen to me talk or read my blogs, but the hardest thing right now is that I'm lonely and not comfortable with that yet. I wish I was, I HOPE time will heal that, but I'm just not sure right now. I normally am confident in everything I do, but it's just not there right now. I have to be comfortable with that aspect of myself before I can be ready to share with others. I know that's the case and I'm frustrated I'm not doing better with it.

Those of you that regularly read the blog know I have been searching for "it" again and I can't fucking find "it"!!! I know it's there, just out of reach, I feel it sometimes but then I have a setback, I drink too much when I shouldn't, I do something with the kids I regret or even worse don't do something I regret, I buy enough groceries to cook for a week but then end up going out to dinner almost every night, I let my emotions get the best of me, I squash my emotions too much sometimes, and if anyone that sees me on a regular basis knows that I tear up often but hold it all back when maybe I should just let it all out (my psycho calls it the weepy period). I don't think anyone wants to see that, so I don't let it happen except when I'm alone. Maybe that's setting me back, maybe that's normal, maybe there is no normal in my case, maybe I worry about the wrong things, and maybe it's all just what has to be to get better with time.

I'm still figuring it all out in this journey of one, but Wow, I never thought I'd have two anonymous women fighting over what is right and wrong for me (or Hope) or our blog. It started as just a joke, like when I used to always type Just Jake at the end of my blogs. Hope was Hope, amazing, eloquent, even more passionate than me, etc. so I was always Just Jake compared to her and since we used the same e-mail and blog I didn't want anyone confusing her words with mine. She has done more good since her passing for us all and I think will continue to do so as long as all of you remember her. The 3 wisemen will not forget, she was the queen of Wow!, and I hope to some day find it again in somebody else that I can share my life with.

In the meantime, please don't anyone take all of this too seriously and find your passion and love for whatever it is you feel strongly about. Mine is two young boys and one bigger boy trying to heal. That is my passion and I hope to find the Wow! again down the road in something and some one else. I am going to bed alone again tonight, if anonymous numbers one or two have anything more to offer to help with that then a cup size please let me know. Figuratively speaking I am a freakishly small triple A bra size that needs to be special ordered, and am wowed I can even drum up some interest right now. Focus on the positive whether it's BJ's, money, or just the ability raise the ire of others through typing words, find your passion and jump in 110%. I will continue to do so until I find "it" again.

- Just Jake.

Hope Visited Me Again

2009-07-11T07:40:00.003-05:00

Last night a regular blog reader that I'll let remain anonymous for now drunk dialed and texted me last night around 2:30 AM. We talked for a while and had a really great conversation. You get to know people's more honest feelings when their guard is down so please know I'm normally up and love the drunk dial. The drunk text is okay but then there's evidence the next day and anyone with political aspirations needs plausible deniability. In fact, that's pretty much been the credo of our government over the last oh let's say 5 or 6 decades. I've been known for drunk dialing myself and the voicemails you leave behind are almost always hilarious. My personal favorite to me was again a regular blog reader that was driving around lost in a parking garage, hiccupping like crazy so half of it was not comprehensible, with the "I love you's" flying out faster then the Michael Jackson tributes (which once again really bothers me how much we don't appreciate someone until they are gone. Over the last decade plus a whole generation only knew Michael was a freak and child molester and nothing about his amzing music and two plus decades of being "it" in music. I still have people e-mail or tell me really cool things that Hope did that still affects their lives. She knows now but never knew when she was alive what a profound affect she had on almost everyone that crossed her path. I'm just as guilty as anyone when it comes to Michael, but not with my family. I told Hope, my grandmother, and my grandfather all the time how much I love them and how much they impacted my life. Those are the 3 closest people in my life I have lost, and I tell my Mom, my brother, and most importantly my kids the same thing all the time. If you're not, make sure it's not too late when you get around to it. OK I'm done with my diatribe on that --- you just never know what's going to come out of these things).

Back to the drunk dial, I had trouble getting to sleep after our conversation and was in that oh yeah I think I'm finally falling asleep state or maybe I already am asleep state when Hope visited me for the second time. The last time was on 8 June (yes I remember the date) and this is just over one month later. All of a sudden she was just there, standing right next to me. She was wearing an all white T-shirt and khaki shorts, no shoes and her hair down like it almost always was. She was 100% healthy, smiling, and at first glance into her eyes the white part was red like blood, but then she blinked once and they were white as I gazed into her mesmerizing blue eyes. I could not hear her voice orally, but I could in my head which was strange. She smiled and told me she loved me and thought I was doing really well. I asked her without talking as well if she was happy and she said she was. It felt like we were standing next to each other for 15 minutes but I think it was only a few seconds. I just kept staring at her and tried to hold her hand but could not. She smiled at me again, told me everything was really good, and then she was just gone. It made my heart just glow and this incredibly calm and relaxed feeling over my entire body like I just finished a massage or well, er, had been otherwise satisfied.

Then I woke up this morning and felt so lonely. I ached because I wanted her to be next to me in bed and the loneliness was just overwhelming. This is a feeling I've had in the past, especially at night after I tuck the kids in bed. Early on after she passed I still used to think she was in the back room and it would kill me when I realized she wasn't. I don't feel like that anymore thank goodness but after her visit last night my heart absolutely aches right now. I laid in bed over an hour after Nathan woke me up to ask if he could watch TV. Amazingly Reese is still sleeping, something both boys have needed since our trip to NE. I am becoming more comfortable being alone and I think with time that will continue to improve. Certain things just hit me like a Papelbon fastball whether it's a memory induced by a song, a smell, something the kids say, or something else. Other items bounce off and don't hurt too much like a Wakefield knuckleball. All of it adds up and just sometimes it all comes out at once.

Now back to reality, the dryer is buzzing at me over Spongebob and Nathan playing the harmonica. I need to go wake up Reese, get everyone to basketball while I pick up ice cream sandwiches for the kids on the way, hurry back home for lunch and then off to a pool birthday party both kids are going to (by the way the family's last name for the party is Supernau, which got me thinking to changing my name to Superwise, Studwise, Jedijake for the boys, Superjake, etc. --- kind of like McLovin in Superbad an all-time classic), and then I'm on standby for a phone call to leave the party early because my brother from Mass, his wife and two kids are in town and are coming to our house for more pool party and dinner tonight. A typical slow day for the 3 Wisemen, and tomorrow I am off to Amelia Island with a co-worker for a site inspection and early morning meeting on Monday. Amelia Island is the place Hope and I went after her first recovery from cancer when Nathan was only 10 months old. We loved it up there so I'm sure this trip will stir up some memories too. We celebrated her recovery from cancer 3 times over 6 years, I just wish we could have done it one more time last year. That wasn't in the cards, so now we celebrate every day like it's our last as much as we can. In the meantime I still have to fold laundry, damn laundry! I've been doing my own laundry (except when Hope did it) since I was about 12 or 13 years old but it's such a pain to do it for the three of us.

I've got much more to blog about but that will have to be it for this morning as I have to keep those kiddos first above all else. Thanks for haunting me again Hope as you promised, I love you like water (chocolate and Oprah). And Ann-Marie, Hope and I will both be at your grandfather's funeral next week. It would be too hard for me to go alone...

Happy 8th of July

2009-07-08T00:03:00.004-05:00

It's past 1 AM and I just got home from New England over a long weekend with family. It was a quick trip to Lake Sebago on Thursday/Friday (by the way we got to meet and I know I'm screwing up some of these names, Chippy the Chipmunk, Rocky the Raccoon, Squeaky the Squirrel, Morris the Moose, and Pauletta the prostitute), my family's farm (the largest family run farm in New England I'm told which by the way has the coolest ever hedge maze (labyrinth) for adults, kids maze in the barn with three levels, petting zoo, great volleyball, a bouncey house that adults can go in --- I had so much fun in there as the kids tried to tackle me, the largest labyrinth in North America is currently growing so stay tuned, and a lumpy croquet course that I kicked some serious ass on --- just for the record I had a huge advantage because I grew up playing on a much worse course with my grandparents that had roots everywhere, moss, and a huge hill that went straight to the Assabet River) in Stow, Mass on Saturday, back to Maine in South Berwick for a pool party (Brad and Rachel's new pool at least to me makes my old grandparents' house a resort instead of just their legacy)/camp out (at Aunt Renie's and Uncle Bruces after a bonfire, music, swimming, flying on a rope swing with a harness, and so much more) on Sunday/Monday, the beach all day Monday (I swam 3 times on this trip, at Lake Sebago in frigid waters, in Rach's/Brad's pool at 71 degrees with the coolest diving board ever (if you haven't seen my half-ass flips you're missing out on some serious entertainment), and finally but most stupidly the ocean as my body went blue and I cramped up from the cold, and delayed flights home Tuesday to get us here past midnight.

The kids did not sleep at all on the flight or drive home until less than 2 miles from my house, so I will pay holy hell tomorrow for that one. Why is it they always sleep when you don't want them to but never sleep when you think and count on them to? And of course it's never just one of them, they both have to stay awake just to torture me that much more tomorrow. I guarantee they will wake up normal time even though they went to bed almost 4 hours late. Reese was so sweet though as we got off the plane asking, "Can we go back to Maine tomorrow?"

We had such an incredible time, great weather for the majority of the trip, and stories to tell. Right now my dinner consists of Triscuits and red wine, so at least I'm taking care of myself. And if you were worried about the boys don't be, they had mini-Oreo cookies thanks to my neighbors on the flight home along with hot chocolate for the Natedog and Sprite for Pieces. For the record I normally give them balanced meals like hot dogs with potato chips (note that many argue potatoes are a vegetable including Hope on many occasions) or my all-time favorite mac and cheese with hot dogs (you can see they get a variety of balanced meals).

Back to the trip, I did not mention it on my last blog because I decided announcing to the world when my house is empty might not be the smartest thing I've ever done. We have an alarm (which my neighbors found out the hard way on this trip --- by the way the police are fingerprinting the place now Beth so I'd suggest a one-way trip for a while anywhere away from here) and the police have shown up a couple of times with guns blazing from a lighting strike once and a door that blew open to the garage another time. I have so much respect for the police for the way they put their lives on the line every day for strangers, except of course when they're giving me a speeding ticket. I'm a civil engineer (with a huge blog just to remind the ladies --- which reminds me of something else, based on some comments and e-mails I've received please know I'm only joking about my emphasis on breast size, in all of my research and training about breast cancer (and I take that very seriously) it's not the size that matters at all. In fact one anonymous commenter (who are you by the way because although I appreciate the love you showed me you have terrible taste in men obviously???) was kind enough to tell me that smaller cups make up for it on other ways (I think they were talking about balanced meals again) so please know it was just a joke. At the beach though this weekend in Maine I saw more white skin and men needing a manzere (I'm sure that's not even close on the spelling) or bro then I hope I ever have to see again. For the record, New Englanders are not known for their tans!!! It certainly wasn't the clothing optional pool in the Keys.

I can't comment on manzere's and bro's without commenting on Seinfeld, how many times in a day do you quote that show? If it's not doube dipping, man hands, no soup for you, serenity now, shrinkage (by the way I experienced this like crazy in the freezing cold waters with my scared turtle), master of my domain (you know I can't pass that one up, I would be the first one out every time), stopping short, Terri Hatcher in an unforgettable episode when she says they're real and they're incredible, Newman taking rainy days off when Jerry points it's the first one in the postman's oath, the produce section of the market is very seductive with a lot of squeezing of melons and shapes and smelling, becoming jewish just to make the jokes, taking a vow of abstinence (George) because there was probably a good chance he was not going to have a sex again anyway, yada yada yada, being a rabid anti-dentite (against dentists), spongeworthy, and so many more.

Back to being a civil engineer and tickets, we know roads are designed to be safely driven at higher speeds then posted so we should be able to honor our design criteria (i.e. back off on the tix coppers). I know I always go off on tangents when typing these things but that's just how my screwed up psychy (that's probably not a real word) works. In fact, Ann-Marie told me after the last blog she was exhausted because she said it was just one run-on sentence that never stopped (I know it's horrifying to Tina and Anna, but at least Tina's entertained while Anna my newfound brother just thinks english is my third language). The only other language I know at all is Spanish but that's only the dirty words that PR taught me over 10 years ago at my first job out of school. We may not have got much work done, but man we had a good time and those words stuck with me.

We had a sweet Volvo rental car and every time we approached a sudden hill I would slow down and then floor it so the kids' stomachs would drop like on a roller coaster. I found out my cousin B enjoyed this exeprerience so much when he was young he said thank you dad for tickling my testicles. I don't know about the rest of you but in my opinion you never grow out of wanting your testicles ticked, just not by dad in the car! I learned one of my relatives is going through depression too like Hope did and I've had my moments, she's finally going to psycho appointments too with incredible improvements because of them. I think everyone should go to a psycho, but that would probably shut down our already almost useless health system. I say that as a small business owner, the health care costs are freaking killing me!

I got to spend time with my Aunt K who is my grammy's sister. Grammy and I were closer then any other relative I have, so it was great to see and visit with her on the 4th. We are both doing well but missing Grammy. I visited her grave site along with Gramp on the 4th too, and I know both of them including Hope were with us the entire day and weekend. I got to see my cousin D's house, my cousin's R's yoga studio, my aunt L's new home, my sort of cousin like 13 times removed but it wouldn't stick P&D's house, and three growing belly's along with the flattest belly you ever saw from another cousin about to have a new baby. If I tried to explain my family on the blog you would feel like you did at the end of the last episode of the Sopranos. It's impossible to do but amazingly we all get along incredibly well and get togethers while they don't drum up any dates for me (which is legal in Maine with blood relatives --- by the way the only states that Maine gets to make fun of are are TN and WV as I think that was of the amendments to the Constitution) always a blast.

Three cousins or otherwise close relatives are pregnant with one 100% due to Hope (no she did get her pregnant through some miracle of science or lesbian fantasy but they did decide to have a baby and possibly consumated while down here helping us through the toughest of times with their youngest being 10 years old already) and the flat bellied one is my cousin that hopefully will be picking up her new baby Maeve in China in the next couple of weeks. One is due on Hope's birthday too, how cool would that be? That leaves three designated drivers so my three cousins are living it up like it's 1999 (anytime you can quote a Prince song you're having a good day --- actually I think he's a genius singer/songwriter but really I only like Purple Rain's album cover to cover. What in the world happened to the woman the played Appollonia (I think that was her real name too if memory serves)? She was absolutely gorgeous but never to be heard from again as far as I know.)

We had the best time up there, the kids loved every moment of it. They are so tired from being up late each night and playing all day every day but with smiles the entire time. A special thanks to all of our relatives up north for a whirlwind few days and while it killed us to miss so many more relatives we'll hopefully make up for it on the next trip. There's just not enough hours in the day to catch up with everyone as much as we might want to. Happy 8th of July and welcome back to 110% humidity and mosquitoes large enough to carry off Reese. I'm going to start sweating now because I have to open up the door to the outside at it's almost 2 AM...

Cured and Dating

2009-06-29T22:16:00.003-05:00

I am cured...again! At my last psycho appointment she really did say she was impressed with my improvements and that unless I really wanted to see her every two weeks we could go to 3 weeks now. I saw that as a positive sign since I'm not making any money this year and I'm paying out of pocket for our get-togethers. Since the only impression I had of psychiatry was from the movies prior to all of this and to date she has not once made a move on me I'm feeling like Rodney Dangerfield paying for a hooker that doesn't do anything but talk on the first date. I imagine other cultures that only know us from TV and movies must think we're all cowboys or are at least carrying heat, if you order a pizza it comes with a hole in the bottom of the box and it comes with pepperoni and sex, we have square sponges that live in pineapples at the bottom of the sea, all of our women weigh 80 pounds with double D's, and that even the absolute worst murders can be wrapped up in 60 to 120 minutes depending on the medium. By the way, by far my favorite response to the last blog was from Anna and yes we will always be friends. Be strong my brother!

So I am cured again, feeling really good, caught up on bills for the first time since Hope passed, and looking forward to a great 4th Holiday with family. More on that after the holiday and you'll understand why then. We had an incredibly fun weekend, basketball on Saturday morning and Nathan was a manbeast on the boards and practically scored at will (I had to ask him to pass the ball in the second half so some of the other kids could score). I owe the kids more ice cream because we had to institute the bribe for them to not score as much again (five passes so everyone touches the ball before they can shoot). I actually had a grandfather come up to me after the last game and give me the biggest compliment about how I coached the kids and handled them during the game. He said he's coached his entire life and never saw anyone like me. I only mention it because you almost never get any feedback except negative as a coach because a parent didn't like something. It made me feel good that at least one senile old man thinks I'm doing a good job. Then he called me Susan and kissed me on the lips so I'm not sure his credibility is rock solid. At least he's a good kisser...

I have to go fold laundry so I'll be back (oh the crazy lifestyle of a single dad in Melbourne, dare to dream out there boys). I'm back and willing to pay anyone $1000 dollars to match and fold our freaking socks! They never all match up and why can't I train myself or the kids to at least keep them right side out when we take them off??? I'm going to give each one of us one pair per week to wear from now on so if it's getting close to the weekend you may want to keep your distance from us. Anyway the at least he's a good kisser was supposed to be my segway into dating. I've been asked many times when I'll be ready (in other words are you ever taking your ring off --- even the pest control guy asked me that one today and then he went on for 45 minutes about his pending divorce and by the way Joyce if you're out there Steve seems like a really good guy so you should not blame him for wanting his mom to move in even though she's really mean to you but if you want to know his pin number and where he hides his house key he told me that too), can I set you up with my single friend that has a really good personality, are you still into farm animals (okay that was only from Maria), gay yet or still just faking it (that was from Sylvester, Chuck Woolery, and my new Facebook pal from the Keys trip), are the rumors/legends true that engineers are the best lovers and deserve to be catered to their every desire, etc. etc. etc.

Yes ladies the last one is absolutely true and you can measure an engineer's prowess (I have to remember Hope's family reads this) by the size of his blog. By the way Dirk Diggler from Boogie Nights has nothing on civil engineers with big blogs (for the record, who would have ever thought Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch would become such an incredible actor and in how many movies will Heather Graham play a prostitutue --- Boogie Nights, Killing me Softly, and The Hangover which I just saw this weekend and it was amazingly funny ((especially the cameos by Wayne Newton and Carrot Top at the end of the movie)) --- does anyone else remember her in Growing Pains, come on what's hotter then Heather, Joanna Kerns, Tracey Gold throwing up trying to weigh 60 pounds, and the always hunky Kirk Cameron??? Okay, I'm way off subject again and yes I would love to have a best hair contest between Alan Thicke (great name for a hair guy), Chuck Woolery, and Burt Reynolds (our proudest FSU alumni).

So the question about dating lead me to think about what an amazing catch a guy like me would be for some lucky lady born in 1991 or earlier (can you freaking believe I could legally date someone born in the 90's --- man I'm getting old!). I started thinking about all my good qualities and came up with the following list:

I've been out of the game for about 2 decades so if 8 track tapes and corduroy bell bottoms are still the rage I'll be fine.

If I can still have a date in the trunk for drive in movies to save a $1.00 I've got no problem with that.

If popcorn, candy and a soda pop are still less than $2 and the kind gentleman in the red jacket will escort us to our seat with his flashlight I know that routine.

I can use my corduroy bell bottoms to hide my court ordered ankle tracking bracelet and as long as I don't go within 1000 feet of a daycare, school, church, or Tina's place I am not breaking the law again.

If I can cry incessantly for no reason at a certain smell, song, memory, etc. like a pregnant woman with hormones on crack and ramble on about Hope for 4 hours without a problem then I'm great.

If my potential date is cool with coming to my house only after 9 or 10 PM depending on how the boys are doing for some mac and cheese or hot dogs, a deaf dog that now barks at nothing way too often, helping me fold laundry and pay bills, make lunch for the next day, watch me return e-mails and phone calls, clean the house/playroom, or if she can time it right when I'm really caught up on things weed by flashlight, clean, and wipe pee off the back of the toilet and floor (I love that I still get to blame the kids for that one) then I am the guy for you.

Loves sarcasm more than honesty and considers it foreplay, muscles aren't important, agrees freckling is better than tanning, thinks a deviated septum from two broken noses is sexy, enjoys Family Guy and anything with David Hasselhoff (and you better refer to him as only "THE HOFF" if you want to stay in the fan club), agrees the ultimate intimate night includes Papi with a homer, Paps with a save, old man papa Wakefield (local Melbourne boy) with another win, followed by dinner/flowers/conversation/cuddling/sex if absolutely necessary in 2 to 8 minutes before I settle into Sportscenter highlights and watching the 300 one more time. Tonight Spartans we dine in HELLLLL!

Wants to be a stepmom to 3 wiseboys that span 32 years with the exact same level of maturity throughout except maybe Nathan that acts older then his age.

And most importantly agrees the perfect weekend is attending the Red Sox on Friday, FSU/BC on Saturday, Pats on Sunday, followed by a liver transplant and rubbing my feet from standing in the port-a-potty line (that reminds me of the time at a Bucs game at half-time that I went with Ann-Marie to one line was moving faster then the others so I jumped into it and it was the handicap stall. 3 guys were going in and leaving at a time and I could only figure the sink and toilet until I went in as lucky number 3 and peed into the toilet can that was about 1/3 full of urine --- wouldn't you think they would have at least gone to a webbed trash can by now?).

Get in line ladies, being an engineer I'm used to groupies so there's no need to be embarrassed. It's hard on me when I walk out of the XXX store and the engineering papparrazzi are just shooting pics left and right. I hope you're okay with the limelight. In my typically long winded ramblings I am only trying to say that I think I'm keeping the wedding ring on for a bit longer (sorry Steve the pest control guy) and hanging with my closest lady friends Lindsey and Erica the most often (they are 14 and 16, respectively, and before you start calling the police (AGAIN!) they are the ones watching the boys 4 days a week over the summer). In the meantime I'm enjoying being cured, getting out once in a while on good behavior, looking forward to the 4th and two great family gatherings on Sat and Sun, and for the most part enjoying life again.

One of my favorite people ever, Ann-Marie, lost her grandfather this week. She was Hope's best friend, lost her Dad less than a year before Hope, then Hope of course, and now her grandfather that she was very close with. She can't stand to be in ICU or hospice anymore and nobody can blame her. We love you Ann-Marie and as much crap as you have to put up with me since Hope assigned you to watch out over the 3 wisemen we are here for you now. After all I'm cured and ready to help others now...

Fucking Father's Day

2009-06-23T22:46:00.006-05:00

Maybe that's not the greatest title for a blog from one of the most greatful parents of all time. I love my incredible boys, being a Dad is the greatest honor possible I could imagine, they ARE the reason I'm even functioning after what we've been through, yet despite all that I had a really tough Father's Day. Let me step back though first to recap since the last blog. I feel like Mike Myers and Dana Carvey in Wayne's World rubbing my eyes, going doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo while a target starts spinning to go back in time (or even better then that was in Wayne's World's first move when Tia Carrerre ((who by the way finally did the right thing and got in Playboy)) was on-stage playing a hard rock song (((Ballroom Blitz if memory serves) ((((by the way how many parenthesis and freaking side thoughts can I have in one sentence)))) and all Wayne saw was stars and only heard Gary Wright's song Dream Weaver. By the way, any movie that brought Queen back in the spotlight deserves immense gratitude. How many people except losers like me that still had the Queen the Game record still listened to Bohemian Rhapsody when that movie came out? Now a whole other generation gets to enjoy Freddie Mercury's voice and antics and Brian May's guitar rifts because of one scene in one movie.

Amazing, I wish I had that kind of power to bring back other childhood idols of mine like Daisy Duke, Firestar from Spiderman and his Amazing Friends, Julie from the Love Boat (why was she always so freaking happy anyway?), Chuck Woolery with his 2 minutes and 2 seconds catch phrase (yes another man crush but not as big as Rocky or the Hoff), Princess Leia's bikini outfit in Return of the Jedi literally choking Jabba the Hut to death (almost the same thing David Carridine was into I hear), Loni Anderson in WKRP in Cincinatti, Lynda Carter in Wonder Woman (okay, how many people remember a horrible TV series that must have lasted about 2 and 1/2 episodes with both of them past their primes called Partners in Crime --- by the way I never missed an episode for obvious reasons), and everyone's all-time favorite Mr. Furley from Three's Company that I still pattern my wardrobe after (I'm colorblind and my sister helped me dress growing up saying you can't have too many plaids or ever enough scarves). I now feel like Richard Kline's character Larry from downstairs in 3's Company, the weird perverted neighbor that always was hitting on the girls but never had any success (favorite all-time scene, a girl walks up to the Regal Beagle bar (great freaking name) and he asks her if he can buy her a drink, she obliges and then the bartender says "Happy hour's over" and Larry immediately says, "Same time tomorrow?"). By the way if I ever open a bar I'm naming it the Office ("Hey honey, I'm going to the office" --- how great is that???). I think in this economic climate only bars, strip clubs, and churches are making money. Yes I put them in order of importance.

Per my last blog and so many of you contacted me on the Friday of Reese's doctor appointment to check in, the doc did not see anything that worried him too much on his lip. He asked me to come back in 8 weeks to take a wait and see approach for now. He took pics so he could compare next time but that was enough for me to feel good for now. No biopsy, no anesthesia, no lab tests, no painful waiting for a phone call, no worries for now. It's nothing and we're moving on dammit! By the way I switched insurances since Hope passed because it was costing my small business a small fortune but could not switch while she was still being treated, and so the appointment was out of pocket. I mentioned it to the doc hoping he'd cut me a break (and keep in mind this was one of Hope's docs that showed up all the time in her hospital room, at her surgeries, and other places) and he waived all fees for our appointment. Dr. B, we went to you because you're the best no matter what it cost me and one more time you showed me why you are the best. I'll tell you what, Hope has brought together more positive spirits, souls, attitudes, friends, family, and HOPE for mankind then anyone I have ever known.

My brother came down last Friday and on Saturday after Nathan's 2nd straight win in basketball (by the way it all comes down to brilliant masterful coaching in this age group) we went to the Keys for an unknown amount of time. We stayed at an amazing clothing optional pool hotel and the clothes were often not the option of choice. Unfortunately it was all couples so for every great pair we got to enjoy through our mirrored glasses there was her husband enjoying the same as we tried to stare away from the pink elephant in the room (and by that I mean the really small trunked pink elephant in most cases). We made friends with folks such as silicone Cindy and it's amazing how much more interesting their conversation is as I listened intently like she was giving away the secret password to heaven then compared to other mouths just flapping away.

We had the best time imaginable, made so many new friends, saw so many naked people including at the Garden of Eden bar that we just happened to stumble upon (literally at that point in the night) with more painted boobs then you saw on the movie Showgirls (by the way the two true tragedies from Saved by the Bell was what happened to Jesse's career in that movie and what the hell happened to Lisa --- poor Screech never got his last chance at his one true love except in the made for TV movie when Kelly and Zack got married in Hawaii). We went snorkeling (we saw a 6-foot shark in sand below us but then about a 4-foot tiger shark swam past Kurt and underneath me so close if I would have started to swim I think I would have kicked it in the face --- by the way afterwards I did not do the reef any favors and definitely did not have to go below deck to use the bathroom for a while), para-sailing about 400 feet up in the air, jet skiing, water sliding, floating trampoline jumping, went on a sunset cruise, and imbibed slightly.

By that I mean my liver is now pickled and I'm still trying to recover. I figured the two glasses of wine tonight is a good start on the road to recovery. We were out until 4 or 5 AM every night and could not have had a better time. Thanks mom for making it possible and to Judy, Whitney, Lindsey, and Erica for helping make it easier on my mom. By the way both my brother and I will strike up conversations with anyone near us and we often did. It was funny because I think most people assumed we were just a gay couple with Kurt obviously being the bitch (I think that's the politically correct term) because of his smaller beard (what did you think I was referring to???). When we introduced the other as our brother about 3/4ths of the time they just jumped and went "BROTHERS!" All of a sudden we were in another category quickly. Every time I heard that though all I could think of Chris Farley in Tommy Boy when he meets Rob Lowe and says "Brothers don't shake, brothers hug." Holy Schnikes if you've never seen that movie go rent it now.

I needed that break like Screech needed a date until he "accidentally" released pornos on-line as he tries to become a dirty stand-up comedian (by the way I have a theory, that Arnold Horshack and Screech are actually the same person but it was totally blown when they fought in the celebrity boxing ring --- One more theory, Janet Jackson and Michael Jackson are the same person as you never see them together, they weigh about the same, they never release albums at the same times, and both are hot chicks at this point). We came back on Friday and celebrated Father's Day with each other and our step dad on Saturday. So then came the actual Father's Day on Sunday. After a week in paradise, a party the day before, all of a sudden I was back at home with a stack of bills, things to get done, worrying about work the next day, etc. when I started cleaning. I cleaned up the entire house, but that included a junk drawer and Hope's nightstand ultimately.

I found notes from Hope, her cross, a couple of her books, the bell she used to ring when she needed me and could not even sit up, receipts and pictures from horrible events I had put out of my mind, cards from friends/family, and other memories I think I had repressed for good reason. I started to feel sick, cold, had goose bumps, cried my eyes out, and ultimately crawled up into a ball while I looked at the ceiling hoping for some answers or at least some advice and maybe a sign. But once again the boys were there to sympathize with me (they told me they understood why I was upset), tried to cheer me up, and unknowingly they ultimately pulled me out of the funk I had been building up for hours on end. It was a tough emotional day, but that's one more down before I start to feel good every day again.

For fucking Father's Day I had an incredibly emotional day, but in the end will be stronger for it. It reminded me of Father's Day last year when I was in the ICU just 3 days after Hope's last major surgery and Uncle Bruce called me on Sunday morning when nobody else did and I didn't even know it was supposed to be my day. It was also many months later that Hope wrote me a note while in hospice to tell me about where she hid the last gift (for that Father's Day) I ever received from her that was the necklace I spoke about in her life celebration that I recently broke again. All you dads out there that aren't a daily part of your kids' lives, reprioritize. Just think if the tragedy that happened to my wife happened with your kids how much you would have to regret. I am strong today because I have no regrets, make sure you would not have any either if it was your time or one of your children. Can you truly say you have none? Try to get there where you can say so, I dare you!

A lot of people told me Snagglepuss was the character I was trying to remember that always said "heaven to mergatroy" and "exit stage left" in my last blog. That's a great name, and except for Octopussy one of my favorites. In this world of political correctness today I think we're losing out on so many cool characters that we just didn't worry about so much when we were younger. I'm not too screwed up from hearing insensitive terms about women in cartoons and movies, I mean I love chicks and I can tell instantly when I meet babes whether we'll be friends by their cup size. No problems here.

One last item, I received an e-mail today from a person that stumbled across our blog (probably by googling train humping like the rest of you) and he said some really great things about us inspiring him. He told me about a cause that he helped create after taking two days to read through all of our blogs in reverse order (that's like watching your old home movies backwards and by the way he's demanding I give him his two days back). It's called www.pinkcauses.com and it's a completely free fundraiser you can all help out with. It costs nothing but can raiser millions of dollars but just registering and shopping like you always do. It has over 600 retailers involved from 800Flowers for all of you men that screwed up and are trying to get back into bed with your honeys (see absolute respect for women because why else would you waste money on flowers unless you screwed up?), Best Western known for their mirrors on the ceilings or is that the western wear store so you can cowboy up?, Birkenstock so you can have the most comfortable footwear on the planet while you toke up, and even Oxiclean which was my best friend throughout junior high and high school. Check it out, it looks like the real deal. Happy Father's Day to all you dads out there, I HOPE next year's is better then the last two for me.

Why No Blogging???

2009-05-27T18:27:00.007-05:00

I have had this question via e-mail, phone calls, and in person lately. Some people have asked is this a good thing or bad thing? The real reason I haven't been blogging was because I was working on reprioritizing between paying bills, keeping up with work, communicating with friends, focusing on what's most important, and never taking my eye off the ball with the kids. The kids have always been number 1, and #2 still ends up being half of our dinner conversations between the three of us (it's amazing how many different conversations you can have about the most simple of human functions like pooping, farting, boogers, and penises). Well I can finally say for the most part I'm caught up, but much, much more importantly I have my priorities back in order.

Don't get me wrong, number 1 had never changed (the boys!). It's just that things like bills, work, the house, the yard, etc. had to move up the chart. Things like going out all the time, always having friends over, e-mails, blogging, phone calls, drinking, etc. needed to move down the chart. I spontaneously sent Whitney and Man-Marie a list one day of things I needed to improve on and set myself out on it. They responded as always with nude photos so I knew the #2 priority was still in order (porn site of my friends). Another friend, Andrea, helped me set priorities and realize even if sometimes I offended friends/family or heaven to mergatroy (somebody please e-mail me the feline that always said that line, I know it was a Hanna-Barbara cartoon) came across as one of the gay superfriends (or ambigiously gay duo) that was okay too as long as I was getting my priorities accomplished. Anna, I haven't forgotten your offer to go gay, if I could find my Robin (holy vaginaless life Batman!) I might just settle in, but not in CA anymore per judge's order.

I realized that I was overcompensating, pushing myself so hard to feel better because I'm always so positive that I wasn't where I was trying to convince myself I was (if that makes any sense it's kind of like when Superman flew so fast against the earth's spin he made time go in reverse to save Lois Lane --- who knew at the time that Lois Lane played by Margot Kidder was such a nut job?). I was trying to capture something that will never be here again, yet fly ahead so fast that I was skipping the most important parts --- feeling the pain of what I've been through. I am so lonely when I'm alone, so I tried to not be alone --- ever! That's not as easy as it sounds with two kids and no partner, but I did a pretty good job for a while faking it. I miss Hope still, but it's slowly not all the time.

My last 2 psycho appointments have gone incredibly well. One I cried like a baby as we brought up what Hope went through from her last major tongue surgery one year ago to almost the day to her final rest. She suffered so much more than I ever wrote about in the blogs or told anybody about. She almost died a few times, long before hospice. She wanted to end it all herself, the only thing stopping her was thinking about the kids or me finding her. I think I even wanted it some times, to watch her suffer, to watch the kids suffer, to know I was suffering but could not face it, makes that ride to Florida for the first time when we left our entire lives/family/friends behind at midnight in New England to "temporarily try Florida" feel like just watching a Saved by the Bell marathon (now by that I mean the original, not the college years --- because watching those is true suffering except the second season when Kelly Kapowski came back to the show). I have no regrets, I know I did everything humanly possible to help her but cancer was so much stronger than us in the end. Right now I can barely even see the screen through my tears, but that just might be game 7 coming back on me when the Magic could not miss a 3 pointer and our beloved undermanned Celtics took the Eastern Conference champs to the brink. Or maybe it's watching Big Papi swing the bat, either one of those will make me cry right now.

The last appointment with my psycho was much more positive. She said she could see a huge difference in me since I realized I was only fooling myself. I thought about the following lines from the Counting Crows song Come Around:

"I'm one of a million pieces fallen on the ground
It's one of the reasons when we say goodbye
We'll still come around
We will come around
I have waited for tomorrow from December 'til today
I have started loving sorrow along the way
I am calling from some city and I won't be there too long
I could wait and I could waste away
But what comes back is I hear you say we're gone
For all of the times that I go spinning up and down
When all of the things have died between us
Well, we'll still come around
We will come around
After I've been missing for a while
And you hear that summer's song
Haven't all the fading lines lingered on?
What I know is: she's going
When you know it, it's alright"

I think I finally know it, she's gone and it's alright. The three Wisemen will be alright. We will move on, we will be stronger, and I think I am beginning to do so in tiny baby steps. I still have so much trouble focusing on work sometimes, bills seem impossible, taxes, 401K's, defined benefit plans, proposals, invoices, balancing bank accounts, refinancing, home owner's insurance, lawn maintenance, pool cleaning, pressure washing, gutter cleaning, and all the rest come and go like I'm James T. Kirk overacting. "Must reach beepie walkie talkie thing and flip open so my hair piece pops up at the same time to call Bones to tell him he must be brought back to life for next scene to say dammit Jim, I'm just a doctor."

Not to say it's been all bad. The kids both finished up school, and I've made a ton of new friends. We have BBQ's, pool parties, and many other excuses to get together (and yes Whitney not be alone). Reese had a full cap and gown graduation that was the cutest thing you've ever seen with the pre-K kids singing songs and just being pre-K kids. I cried during the ceremony, just thinking about Hope being there and how happy she would have been. I know she was there, but not the real Hope. It was just me sitting between two grandma's with the best intentions, some acquaintences that have become great friends, but just not the same as being there with Hope. We then had the first official day of summer with Nathan wrapping up his year, I took the day off and hit Sea World with the kids. We stayed at an incredible resort with a huge water slide, lazy river, and so much else to do. We stayed the whole long weekend and hit Sea World twice along with Downtown Disney. We did unfortunately lose Reese's Ya-yas, his favorite blanket he's always had that weekend. I've called the resort many, many times with no call back yet so I haven't given up all HOPE (there goes that word and feeling again).

At Sea World you can buy passes once and keep coming back for the rest of the year. It was just what the doctor ordered, an injection of holy shit we are still alive and let's make sure we take full advantage. The kids deserve it, it's been hopefully the toughest year of their lives (I can only HOPE it is the toughest year they ever face). We've been kicked in the balls, but thanks to all the love and support we've received we're getting back up better than ever. The next weekend we stayed in Orlando again for 3 more days at a first-class resort with Ella, Tina and Jon. I've done some work for Hubbs-Sea World and they gave the boys and I free behind the scene passes that were incredible. Not only did we get close up and personal with polar bears, boluga whales, dolpins, manatees, sea turtles, have an incredible buffet lunch with no seafood oddly enough (Reese's favorite part was lunch as he devoured more chicken wings then when Scott, Kurt and I used to competitively eat at the Quincy's buffet --- I can still remember the poor waitress that got our table finally just bringing us pitchers of soda instead of never helping another table out because she had to keep running back and forth for us), and the grande finale was taking us back stage to be with the latest Shamu (little known fact is that the orginal Shamu was in California and whichever is the largest killer whale they now call Shamu). We had the trainers meet and talk to us for at least 6o minutes, all the while they had their largest whale doing tricks, feeding, getting rubbed down, etc. I was hoping for a kiss, but unfortunately didn't get one (don't get me wrong though that trainer was cute --- he didn't have anything to hide though in that wet suit).

We even rented some bumper boats with water cannons as Reese and I took on Jon and Natedog (the paddle boats without water cannons weren't big fans of ours as we blasted them but it was fun for us). One more anectdote going back to Anna's wondering about my persuasion, it was gay day or gay weekend in Orlando this weekend too. You are supposed to wear a red shirt I'm told to show your pride. Well I wore a red shirt not realizing that was the case and borrowed a friend's camera because I lost my charger. The camera was her daughter's, quite the cute little pocket camera, and a beautiful pink/purple color I was told. I didn't even know it but I was showing off my gay pride too.

On Sunday last weekend we were at the resort, just got done with a day of swimming, playing, feasting at the Rainforest Cafe, and were getting ready to go to Sea World again for a couple of hours (we stayed only a mile from there) when I was checking my cellular for the time. I noticed the date, it was the 7th of June. I'd been so busy it had not even dawned on me that Hope passed away exactly 6 months ago. I have not had my wife or a mother for my children for 6 months, one-half of a year. I just lost it. I felt the fog coming back over me that it's taken almost 6 months to let pass, I couldn't think straight, was cold, upset, could not even talk at first, and just sobbing. I called a couple of different friends, talked to my mom, just didn't know what to do. I eventually calmed down, talked to the kids about why I was so sad, and as they always do because I never hide my feelings from them they comforted me. They didn't cry while I was inconsolable at moments, but they kept telling me it would be okay, held my hand, got me tissues, Nathan rubbed my back a bit, Reese hugged me softly as he so often does, and I genuinely started to feel better. We even ended up making it to Sea World later and had a great night. The moon was full, we watched Shamu Rocks followed by gorgeous fireworks that reached up close to Hope.

I see my psycho again tomorrow, but I feel good about how upset I got and then how quickly the boys helped me feel better. I have plenty to talk about as always, that's never been a problem for me. Natedog started basketball and I'm coaching his team again. His first game is this Saturday. He was at cub scout camp for the first week off from school, and zoo camp this week. Tomorrow after camp he's going to a 7-year old girl's birthday party. You should have seen the 3 wise boys at 8:45 PM tonight with "the store is closing" warnings being repeated and stare downs from the employees as we sifted through the Hannah Montana wear. We settled in on a beach theme including a pink Roxy beach bag, flowery flip flops, and a cool Roxy hat (Whitney don't let Kylie read my blog --- actually no kids should read my blog). When I got home Lindsey from next door came over and gave us the okay on the gifts but man it's tough shopping for women --- no matter what the age. My mom's birthday is in September, any advice out there??? Reese has always had a spot on his lip since birth that the pediatrician said not to worry about. Now the dentist is worried because of Hope's history so I have to take Reese on Friday to her same ENT (Ear Nose Throat) doc that did many of her surgeries and she became so incredibly close to. I mostly try not to think about it, there's no way I can go through this with the kids so I know Hope will help us get past this minor scare we'll forget about in a couple of months.

My necklace broke today that was the last present Hope gave me. It's the second time and luckily a good friend Judy sells jewelry and is hooking me up again with a replacement. I only mention this because I was devastated the first time it happened, and now this time I just took it in stride. I think that is one more sign of progress. Speaking of progress, the Red Sox shut out the evil Yankees tonight 7-0 and the Magic came back strong to make the Finales a series again at 2 games to 1. Except for the Celtics, the Magic are my second favorite team but I always root for whoever is playing the Lakers (only the Yankees are more hated in the Wise household, and it's close between the two teams). My brother is coming this Friday and staying for just over a week. He and I have a tradition we missed last year for obvious reasons of the two of us taking a long man's weekend with just us. We are heading south with no plans at all, no reservations, just an opportunity to do whatever the hell we want to do. I think it's exactly what both of us need, me especially. I can't wait, I can't freaking wait!

As long as I can keep up my priorities, I'll keep blogging. I truly love it, was surprised and happy to hear from so many that were worried about us because I had not been blogging, and it does truly help me. I'm not back yet, but for the first time think I'm truly getting there the right way --- slowly and "step by step" (by the way does anyone remember that sitcom that was truly one of the worst of all time?). Except for sports, I still haven't watched any TV since before Hope passed away, still have not gone through the pantry, her closet, her clothes, her purse, her night stand, taken off my wedding ring, taken off my HOPE bracelet, slept on her side or the middle of the bed, taken her razor, soap or shampoo out of the shower, or even cancelled her cellular phone even though I pay for it every month. I have rearranged the pool deck a bit, am planning some more major landscaping and yard changes, I am using both towel racks, and am ready to do many of those other things now as time allows.

One last thing, I am sure because I was so emotional on Sunday night I had a dream about Hope coming and talking to me for the first time. I never remember my dreams but this time I did. In my dream she spoke to me directly, told me I was doing well, that she missed me, and assured me she was very happy. During the course of this conversation I swear to you I woke up and continued the conversation. I was wide awake for a while after that just rethinking the dream/connection with Hope. Maybe in my dream I was waking up but not in reality. Whatever it was, Hope communicating directly with me or otherwise, I know she's right. I'm doing better now although not where I want to be yet, I know she misses me and I feel the same, and I know she's happy. She is not suffering anymore and she is with us every moment. I love you like water Hope, please come visit me anytime. You promised to haunt me, and I'm following through with all my promises so far so it's on you now...

Relay for Life and Game 7

2009-05-04T22:20:00.003-05:00

There are no two more magical words in sports than "Game 7" or "Swimsuit Issue" for any male sports fan!!! I have had a subscription to Sports Illustrated for about 2.5 decades now and I think the next Swimsuit issue will be as tough as Mother's Day for me (by the way I'm taking the kids to Disney for the first time in case you missed the last blog). Hope and I had a tradition that she would get the magazine first from the mail and then go through it and edit the pics. She would draw in stitches, eye patches, more bathing suit than I wanted to see, blackened teeth, or captions like "I despise global warming" or "You wouldn't have a chance with me anyway." I never enjoyed the Swimsuit issue as much as when she did that. It's amazing, while you miss the person so much it's the little things you miss more and when things like the Swimsuit issue come out you remember some of your favorite memories about the dumbest but most important little things. This year no blacked out teeth, no eye patches, no bikinis turned into a one piece, but at least I have the Celtics and Red Sox (don't get me wrong, I'm not turning gay yet despite Anna's urging---not that there's anything wrong with that!).

Two words, Game 7 BABY! Okay that was 3 but once again as the Celtics seem to always do they pulled out another game 7 (I had to watch it Sunday morning recorded from Saturday night because of Relay for Life --- more on that in a minute --- I would not take any text messages like from my brother, and when I answered the phone I would say, "Hello don't tell me anything about the game.") The Bulls were worthy, we were down our best overall player and our best big man off the bench but still prevailed like the Superfriends always found a way against the Legion of Doom. By the way my favorite Legion of Doom character (and do you really have a chance of being a positive influence with a name like that?) is Bizzarro Superman. He was all rigid like rock, could do everything Superman could do, but within 30 minutes he always escaped but was always defeated. I also love how they always had to explain what they were doing, almost like Captain Kirk over acting. "Must block out sun to take strength away from Superman, then must have lunch and remember to call Supergirl to see if she likes rocklike Superman." One more Superfriends side note, what's up with the Wonder Twins? You can only turn into water or an animal, and you don't pick a Tsunami and Superman everytime? And what the hell was Gleek, a monkey that did nothing but hit the wrong button every time they were in trouble? By the way, when we were growing up with 4 teenagers in the house at once all in high school we were particulary brutal to each other all the time which is why I'm sure nobody can hurt my feelings much anymore no matter what they say. But for some reason many people remember my nickname was Clucker. That evolved from Gleek (yes the same Wonder Twins monkey), then Gleeker, and then Clucker. Many have asked over the years so now you know.

Since the C's had no legs for 2.5 quarters to go down by 28 points in game 1 of the next round against the Magic, then roared back to be within a Ray Allen jumper that rimmed out of one of the greatest come backs in history. Tonight we took care of business, and meanwhile my Red Sox are 5-0 (that's right freaking 5-0) against the evil Yankees with two wins being more amazing then any I can remember (that the good guys won) in the history of the greatest rivalry in sports.

While the C's and Sox were making me proud, we had our Relay for Life event from Saturday at 8 AM until Sunday at 8 AM. Cancer never rests so we did not either (okay I did a bit because I went home around 3 AM). Both boys had soccer games Saturday morning so we got to Relay around 1 PM. I brought Frisbees, soccer balls, footballs, etc. and there was already a bunch of kids there. So while everyone else walked laps I ran for hours playing ball with anywhere from 5 to 20 kids. We had a blast playing for hours. We even played some water balloon dodge ball (yes it is as good as it sounds), real dodgeball (apparently in our county this game is banned from schools which is criminal in my opinion---how else do you determine who will get to date in high school and who will be a loser with no friends without dodgeball??? Damn political correctness!), and then watch Just Jake run away from a dozen kids until he's caught out of pure exhaustion, taken to the ground, and in full Macho Man Randy Savage WWE style (or Sean Michaels for you younger readers) getting elbows like they were off the top rope.

Thanks to all of you, Hope and I (she was truly with me every step of the way) raised the most money by more than triple at almost $7500 and our team by far raised the most at over $17,000! The entire event doubled last years with over $60k. They had events throughout the 24 hours but a couple of my favorites was honoring all of the cancer survivors (Hope was a 3-time survivor for the record, how many people do you know that can say that???), the lumineria that included candle lit bags all the way around the track with friends/family names including Hope, and then in the two stadium seats the word "HOPE" on one side and "CURE" on the other lit up like the HOLLYWOOD sign in LA. The entire event was dedicated to Hope and another cancer victim with a big sign at the entrance including her name. They made the mistake of letting me speak to everyone, which was incredibly emotional. I kept it together and afterwards hugged my kids like I just came back from WWII. Those boys are all my strength, and I know Hope hung in there long enough for all of us to be ready to take things over just the three of us. When they let me speak to the crowd, I of course could not let go the opportunity to talk about how once you are diagnosed you have to instantly become an expert in the illness like when Hope was first diagnosed with breast cancer. I offered at no charge mind you to use my expertise to help others by providing breast inspections but nobody took me up on it. I am willing to extend the offer so any of you reading that are local or those that want to fly down I will continue to do so at no charge for the good of the people.

While everyone was incredibly gracious at the event, my highlight was two high school kids that tracked me down, said I inspired them with what my story, and they were honored to be part of the event. That got to me, two high school kids half my age (I know that freaking hurt to say because I still feel like I'm 18 most of the time) caring that much about a short impromptu speech someone gave. I've always been positive about everything, and events like this just bring out the best in everyone. They have asked me to chair the event next year, I think maybe I'll have to pass because I just can't keep up yet with my other activities like bills, work, the house, and the kids. Those are minor details, but still somewhat important don't you think???

I can feel myself struggling again lately, mostly getting to things that I would otherwise have taken care of. I'm not feeling sad or depressed, just not fulfilled or complete. Things like Natedog's school project, laundry, bills again are the worst because I think Hope always handled them, certain work things I just don't want to deal with like not making any money, blogging more, and getting back in touch with some friends. I know I'm a lucky guy, but I still don't have "it" back yet all the time. "It" is my drive, my passion, and what has brought me success in the past. Tonight when I was tucking Nathan in, we were talking to mommy as we always do when I started saying how much I miss Hope. Nathan was surprised by that (which shocked me when he said it), as he said Daddy you always seem to have such a good time and do so much I didn't think you always missed Mommy.

It broke my heart a bit, but I could see why he felt that way. I explained to him that I stay so busy so I'm not always sad but that certainly doesn't mean I don't always miss Mommy and that I'm not sad in the inside. I'm fooling my children, am I fooling myself too? I'm not sure, maybe I'm intentionally not getting things done to keep myself so busy and behind I can concentrate on that and not Hope. I've been so ridiculously social lately too that the kids ask me every day when I pick them up from school, who's coming over today Daddy or who's house are we going to? I need to find a better balance to be a better Dad, and that is the most important job I will ever have.

Maybe now is my game 7, my round 15 against the Russian in Rocky IV where "there's no pain and I have to punch and punch and punch until I can't punch no more", my final round of celebrity Jeopardy with Sean Connery on Saturday Night Live, the last two minutes of Superfriends before the uncomfortable joke that gives everyone a belly laugh but wasn't funny, or when the six-fingered man decided to turn and run after Anigo Montoya spent a lifetime learning to sword fight to finally track him down for revenge of his father's death in the Princess Bride. It's been 4 months, I need to step it up, no more excuses, no more turning and running from Anigo Montoya. Two magical words, "Game 7" (and don't forget "Swimsuit Issue"). Suck it up Jake, this is not a game or movie and the children are affected by every bit of success or failure now. I've never feared pressure, bring it on, I'll step up. Game 7 Baby!!!

Whew! (And Relay for Life Reminder)

2009-04-29T10:14:00.002-05:00

Whew, we've been busy like you wouldn't believe. Since last Friday we had Natedog spend the night at Gran's while we had a houseful and a sleepover for Reese's buds from school including parents, Saturday morning two soccer games, lunch with Mom and some friends we had not caught up with in a while and then all back to our house (Jon and I had a bet that the beer we drank at the restaurant could not be as cold as our kegerator and we had to verify as it took a few more just to prove our point, what was the point again?), we finally kicked them out and another friend came by unexpectedly with three boys (including his golf cart so I was flying solo at the house getting some yardwork done while they were all off) and they played for hours on end before a quick dinner, baths, bed, and then our neighbor Lindsey came over and I went out late with some friends.

Got home around 4 AM, woke Lindsey up and walked her home, boys were up at 7 AM (movie time for 90 minutes while I tried to sleep but apparently Reese was looking at the TV the wrong way, or touched Nathans' pillow, or Nathan was breathing too loud or...or...or...), then off to a friends house for a pool party late morning, I stayed and then ran some errands, and then mid-afternoon and evening followed up by 40 plus friends/kids at our house for our entire Relay for Life team. The kids and I loved every moment of it (one of my neighbors told me yesterday that they're thrilled to live across from the party house as long as they keep getting invitations) and while sleep is just a memory or something other people need things are going great.

We had an incredible time at the Relay party except for a broken light all the kids got along amazingly well, our team has surpassed $15,000 thanks to all of you, I surpassed $6000 even more thanks to all of you, and it was all through small donations. The love and support we have received has been overwhelming. The event is this Saturday, it's 24 hours so even less sleep is coming, and there is still a couple more days until Friday if you still want to donate. No high sales pressure, please just do what you want and can afford because we are all in a difficult financial time right now. The link for my personal page is:

http://main.acsevents.org/site/TRC/RelayForLife/RFLFY09FL?pg=peditor&fr_id=13367&px=1166998

Thank you just does not cover how grateful I am to all of our friends and family helping us so much and now donating to help all of mankind (and womankind too which personally are my favorite between the two except for two young boys) because everyone has been affected by cancer in some way. Now the horrible rumors swirling about at the 'fun'raiser on Saturday about me dressing as a woman are greatly exaggerated and since I've been assured no one would be so disrespectful as to bring a camera or worse video I'm sure there won't be any stories to tell post-event. Stay tuned, I honestly don't know what I signed up for but apparently my team has honored (I think they might be leading me on with that honor crap) me with Mr. Relay, which apparently includes either a Joe Dirt look (classic flick enjoyed by all rednecks or those that just know some --- right Rachel?), 80's rocker (who doesn't love huge hair, I can't wait until that comes back and I'm teasing the boys' hair and buying hair spray by the gross), or cross-dressing (it's Saturday night and that's my regular thing so this one is no big deal). I was a cheerleader once for Halloween (starting to see the pattern aren't you --- no that was not me wearing Hope's pumps while weeding in the yard Beth and Rich!) wearing fishnet pantyhose and every single hair was individully sticking out through the holes. My friends kept just pulling them out until I started bleeding. Good times, good times and yes I've spent a lot of time talking to my psycho-logist about that night.

Great segway opportunity to get me out of my crossing dressing fantasies, I had my 3rd psycho appointment today. The pleather was great, I didn't lay down so I wouldn't fall asleep, no porn music for the 3rd straight time, and I'm cured again. I really do feel great after each appointment so far and I hope that continues (she tells me it's perfectly normal for me to wear Hope's pumps doing lawnwork, as long as when I wear the pink boa Hope won for being the largest 'fun'raiser years ago with the matching pumps and nothing else just in the house I'm good. The neighbors just let out a Whew! bigger than mine after last weekend).

We had two minor recent times the boys were individually upset about Hope, but we talked both through and they were quickly over. They're truly doing incredibly well, we still talk to her every night and at other times too. We tell her the favorite part of our day, kiss and hug her picture goodnight, and know she's with us all the time. I think for Mother's Day we're going to Disney for the first time ever (can you believe I've never taken my kids to Disney World?). We go to the other theme parks all the time but to date never Disney (sorry Dan I'll be cheating on you skipping Universal). My mom's out of state because she wants to be with her son she loves more instead than me (see even on Mother's Day you still have to feel guilty Mom) so why not hang out with the richest mouse in the world. Robin Williams had a great stand-up routine where he talked about what Mickey Mouse is like to a 2-year old, a 6-foot fucking rat (his words) and his baby screamed. He said Goofy always sounded like he was having an orgasm and does anyone know the difference between Goofy and Pluto (actually the last question is mine, I didn't steal that from Mork from Ork --- he's infamous for stealing other comics' jokes so I don't mind using two from him).

I'm still not balancing work and home stuff well enough but that's because I'm putting everything into the kids first. I'll get the balance, just time and paying more late fees is all I need. Whew, I'm exhausted but in a good way. Think about us on Mother's Day, we'll be in a fantasy world together with the boys' mommy on a day all mothers should be honored. We'll just be doing it with an orgasming dog and a 6-foot rat (alright Maria I just can't leave it alone, I know that is your ultimate fantasy as well). Saturday will be about survivors and curing cancer for future survivors, please give if you can and join us for an amazing celebration of life. They will be honoring Hope in some way and the boys will be with me there some of the time. Terrible segway I know, but Tina says the more typos the better Anna. I don't do spell check because things like "the Hoff" and orgasming don't show up. I also don't go back and read them all the time because these things are just way too long. Who can take that kind of time out of their day??? I love you guys for reading but I do this for my own sanity and healing, hopefully it can help others along the way. Whew! You're done with this one...

My First Funeral

2009-04-20T23:30:00.005-05:00

The title sounds like a sitcom, but definitely wasn't funny or entertaining. I went to support my friend Lane at the first funeral since Hope passed away (I skipped out on one only a week earlier because I just wasn't ready yet) and it was quite an experience. It was the day after my last blog, and if you read "DISAPPOINTED!" on my last blog you could see the day before wasn't a good one. The service was at a beautiful piece of property right next to a 100-acre parcel that I've been working on for almost 3 years so I knew it well. The church was gorgeous, people were lined up like they were selling Hoff tickets in Germany trying to get in (as Norm McDonald would always say during his incredible tenure as the news anchor on SNL, Germans love David Hasselhoff).

That reminds me of a Jay Leno interview I saw once with the Hoff. He apparently had a pay-per-view concert once and it just happened to be the same night as the OJ chase (same night as the Knicks and Spurs championship game too but that is not really part of the story) so he was complaining that no one watched his PPV becauase of the chase. That's it, everyone knows they wait until after the concert has started before they purchase it on PPV. I die a little more inside thinking how someone so great with Knight Rider and Baywatch on his resume can fall so far. Now he's just one of the most downloaded Utube videos in his drunken rant on the toilet. Thank goodness nothing like that would ever happen to some of our other favorite actors like Mel Gibson, Joaquin Phoenix, Don Johnson, or Robert Downey Jr.

I was off to the side visiting with Pasquale and Sam (Lane's son and husband) before realizing I better get in line. By the time we were getting close to the church they stopped having people sign the guest book and were just ushering us in around the sides. Just then Lane comes up, gives me a huge hug, and says we have chairs along the front now so come sit with us. Despite my penis and vagina speech during Hope's celebration, I am not the most comfortable person in churches like a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs (one of my all-time favorite dumb lines from a movie because not only was it a dumb line but it was the only line delivered in the whole movie by Michael J. Fox in the Secret of My Success with a mid-western accent and he was supposed to be straight from Kansas as Brantley Foster --- He was one upped though by Kevin Costner in Robin Hood whose accent kept coming and going for absolutely no reason throughout the entire movie).

Speaking of Costner, Bull Durham might just be the best all-time sports movie behind the Rocky series (you had to know that was coming if you read my blogs or just met me, even once) and I got to see Durham Stadium when I went up to visit with Will and Anna. If you're looking for a birthday present for me (or Mother's Day or Thursday) I'd love a Durham Bulls baseball hat. The season hadn't started yet so I didn't get to see the Bull or the get a free steak target in the outfield but next time I visit I'm hitting a game. I can just picture Nuke Laloosh (I'm guessing on the spelling Anna) tugging on his garter belt (now I'm picturing Tim Robbins wearing it so please find something I can stab my brain with to get that out of my head) saying to himself, don't think, don't think, while he goes out and throws a three-hit shutout.

So now my Mom and I are in front of the front row pew (the one for the immediate family) and about 10 feet from the podium. The service was absolutely beautiful and moving. Lane did two readings, her husband one, and they had a cellist (or celloist) that totally blew everyone away. I wish I could play a cool small instrument like that, drums, organ, or a grand piano, you know something you can easily take with you places. All I can start thinking about is Hope who never met her brother Ezra but knew Lane well would just be there smiling with open arms to accept him no matter what his past demons were. I just lost it, right there in the front row, crying my eyes out while I kept looking back at Lane and her parents holding it together perfectly. If I wasn't in the front row I would have bailed early but just couldn't without making a scene. I just sat there blubbering like when I was a kid and watched my brother Kurt palm a tailpipe on a motorcycle with both hands and his skinned just starting burning off and he couldn't let go (Tina the extra run-on sentences today are for you and just to see if Anna will lose it because in one of my last blogs she was the one suggesting I just switch over to men --- she does have a good point, we are a simple species and even after all my years I just don't understand women at all). I was absolutely helpless and inconsolable. I'm sure anyone that could see me was wondering who is this crybaby that sits in the front row, in front of the immediate family, and is crying while the sister and parents are cool as a mullett in 1991 in a $70 rental tux. Now that's cool!

For all of you that always wondered what the hell was Hope thinking by being with me now you know my secret, it was the mullett (thank you Joe Dirt for keeping the dream alive --- by the way I hope that movie was just the launching platform for an up and coming actor that I think the sky is the limit like Deniro or Pacino by the name of Kid Rock that acted his ass off in that movie while driving around a rocking Camaro). They had a powerpoint presentation and reception after the service but I just had to get out of there. Lane, I was so amazed by both you and your family's poise throughout all of this and just know if you ever need anything we're here for you. The service was absolutely a perfect balance of grace, beauty, love, and honest and I was honored to be there.

Ann-Marie (Hope's best friend that I just have always deal with and for some unfortunate reason Hope assigned her to watch over me) lives down the road so I went over to her house afterwards. She lost her dad a little while before Hope and had warned me the funeral could be extremely emotional. A couple of glasses of Sangria including killing the bottle I gave to her for her birthday (could tell because the top of the bottle was still indented from where I had dropped it --- see I like to leave my mark, not quite like Bill Clinton but a mark nevertheless) coupled with a good friend helping me got me out of the funk. Coop, her little son also helped as there's nothing like kids to get you back into what's important. We played (Coop and I that is), took a bath (Ann-Marie and I that is), and reminisced. Thanks Man-Marie for being there.

I am obviously dreading Mother's Day. Reese's class is practicing songs that they plan to sing, they're doing crafts with pictures of them with Mommy, and having a Mother's Day tea the Friday before. When they were practicing the Mother's Day songs he went off by himself and was upset/crying a bit. It's going to be hard, I think I'm going to pull him out of school that day and do something fun. I probably need to plan something for Mother's Day too that will be a great distraction. Any single Dads out there up for a day of debotchery with just the boys? Too bad my brother doesn't live closer. And to my Mom, I love you and we won't forget you either.

Since then things have gone better this week. Our weather has been gorgeous, both kids had soccer, we had an incredible 'fun'raiser that was a great success on Saturday night, and our Relay for Life team named after Hope is doing well. We raised over $1200 on Saturday night, I got to meet a lot of great new people, and Tom thank you for letting me borrow Judy for a short period that night. Next PTO meeting I'm making martinis. On Sunday this weekend we've got about 40 people coming over for the Relay team according to someone's estimate, and tomorrow night Reese's Pieces is having all his favorite buddies over from his school which we've never done while Natedog stays at Gran's. We're staying busy as always, and I know Whitney that I can't be alone with myself. Never have, I'll have time for that during my final nap. I've got to get a couple of short people off to school this morning, and that reminds me does anyone want to buy a Jeep or Durango?

I survived my first funeral with a little help from my friends, now I have to keep moving on by eventually going through Hope's things and consolidating vehicles so Andrea will stop making fun of me (older people tend to be overwhelmed by anything 3 or more so I understand Andrea why you tease me about it --- by the way if you have car trouble with a back-up vehicle you won't miss that dinner rush at Morrison's Cafeteria at 3 PM). I did not get through Hope's stuff before the community yard sale as much as I wanted to, but I'll get there. I am using both towel racks now, that's progress.

DISAPPOINTED!!!

2009-04-16T23:47:00.003-05:00

This is a classic line from a Fish Called Wanda. That is one of my all-time favorite comedies that I got to see with my Dad when I was visiting Mass as a kid. Those that know me know I don't have much of a relationship with my Dad but watching this movie with him stands out as one of my best memories. I love Monty Python and it included some of the cast and much of their humor, but Kevin Kline stole the show. As Otto he played the perfect combination of a moron, thief, sex crazed lunatic, he was very bad with the Italian language and driving in Italy, and most importantly don't call him stupid. If you've never seen the movie rent it now, you won't be disappointed. There's a great scene after they had stolen a bunch of money that they came back to the getaway and it was all gone. All he did was jump in the air, kick the wall, and yell out "DISAPPOINTED!"

He was hilarious in In and Out as a gay man and in Soap Dish as a soap opera star way, way, way past his prime (you will never forget the gig he had in glorious Florida in the retirement home), great in Dave (he played the President as a non-politician perfectly but if only he got the girl and she wasn't Sigourney Weaver), and who can ever forget his stab at dramatic acting in the wife-swapping turned murder movie Consenting Adults. The ultimate fantasy turned into a murder plot, and you're the accused. Anyway tonight I have only one point, and that's that I feel like Otto right now when he found out the loot was gone that they had stolen, "DISAPPOINTED!"

I had a bad night but tomorrow will be a better day. Maybe I'll rent A Fish Called Wanda after I get back from Lane's brother's funeral. It will be my first since Hope passed, please send me strength. Per my last blog, please shoot me an e-mail or post a comment if you read this. I'm dying to know who is and I've already found a few people I would have never guessed.

'Fun'raising for Cancer

2009-04-15T22:00:00.002-05:00

That's my new phrase, 'fun'raising! Nathan's school renamed their Relay for Life team after Hope's team the last few years "Hope for the Ta-Tas." I was a little suprised a school would use this name, but mostly honored. The love and support from both the kids' schools has blown me away. No way we get through this as well without both of their support. I was thrilled to be asked to be part of the team and as it turns out the only male member (I am going to leave that reference alone for the respect I have for Hope's family --- but that probably won't last too long knowing me) so I get to hang out for 24 hours with a teamful of hot mom's (there it goes already). That gives a whole new meaning to the 'Fun'raising I'll be working on (no Maria there is not a petting zoo that night --- one track mind on that one). So here goes my sales pitch:

If you're reading this blog you either knew Hope, know me, or stumbled across it googling train humping, the Hoff fan club, or just a normal day seeking out Kelly Kapowski references. Sorry no pics on this blog, just literary references. Either way the reason this blog continues to exist is honoring my wife and helping me deal with her untimely passing. I would not do it if it didn't help me every time I sit down and just blurt out my feelings. Well, this cancer 'fun'raiser Relay for Life is to try and help families not go through the torture that mine did.

I use torture because that's what it was for 7 years during our battle. Every time we thought we had it beat, we thought we had the right treatment or formula for improvement, we thought we had the right attitude, we thought we had enough love and support, we thought we had enough energy, we thought we had enough strength, we thought we had enough time, we thought we had enough treatments, surgeries, the right combination of medications and rest, every time we thought we were one step ahead of cancer the fucker came back stronger! The last time was 6 hours before Hope's 36th birthday, in the ER after months of absolute suffering where she admitted many times she would have committed suicide but she did not want the kids or me to find her, two days after a Thanksgiving that was harder on her then most of her treatments, we got the news that it had taken over her tongue, her jaw, her lymph nodes, and her throat. There were no more treatments, formulas, attitudes, love, energy, strength, time, treatment, surgery, or medications that would get us through one more battle.

I haven't cried in many weeks about Hope, I have fought back the tears the few times I could feel it coming on during different conversations. I am crying now just reliving this like I did that night in the ER to make a point. I put myself out there for myself but also to help others. This disease can be beat, but it will take time and money to research and prevent it for future families. Please help me help future families from going through what we had to. Everyone has been touched by cancer, especially if you are reading this blog.

I have 2 ways you can help right away. First, please donate to my Relay for Life team where every penny goes toward fighting cancer via the following link which will take you to my home page:

http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR?px=1166998&fr_id=13367&pg=personal

There you can donate if you are able to. Now I know we are in the most difficult of times right now but understand every dollar helps and the more people that can donate a dollar adds up quickly. If it's easier please send me a check made payable to the American Cancer Society to my home address and if you need it e-mail me (hopewise@cfl.rr.com). Tell you what, if you read this blog please e-mail me no matter what just to say "hi." I would love to know how many people actually read this so please if you are reading these words e-mail me the simplest of notes or just tell me you think I'm a horrible writer like Anna.

No. 2 (for the locals only): River Rocks (formerly Chowders restaurant) is on US 1 in Suntree, on the river just north of Suntree Boulevard and Rotary Park, and has been completely renovated over the last 9 months so that you would not recognize it anymore. The menu is so much improved you won't believe you are eating from the same kitchen, and with reservations anyone eating from 11 AM to 10 PM (so you can do lunch and dinner there) that mentions the Relay for Life will have a portion of their bill donated toward fighting cancer. Please call 321-757-7200, extension 3, for reservations and don't forget to mention Relay. In addition to that, we are trying to fill up the private party room with all of our friends and families. We have it reserved at 6:30 PM so let them know if you want the party room versus a regular table. We can get 40 plus people in there and I've been known to buy a round or two from time to time so don't be late.

In addition to that if you have kids, Planet Kid is donating 100% of their proceeds to Relay and they are located in suite 103 at 3600 Wickham Road about halfway between Post and Parkway by the Grand Meadows Bay subdivision entrance. It's drop-in childcare for $25 per child or $35 max for multiple siblings. Space is limited so call ahead at 321-259-7529. They will have pizza, snacks, drinks, and much more.

I had my second psycho appointment today. My psycho-logist has read my blogs so she knows I'm an absolute nut job. Luckily she had not read the last one about my impression of what they do or at least she did not let on. There was this sexual tension the whole time where I could tell she wanted much more than my thoughts (okay I completely made that up but why can't I live in a fantasy porn world?) or maybe she had a donkey in the hallway (okay Maria that's all you get so you can stop reading this blog now) but either way we somehow got past all of that and I was cured again today. I felt great afterwards, once again relieving many of my concerns and just talking about different feelings. I am paying out of pocket for something completely intangible but it's so far the best money I've ever spent. Don't tell her, she may raise her rates on me.

I know this from our sessions: 1) The kids are doing great and that always comes first. 2) My feelings including the guilt on many fronts are normal and everyone deals with grief differently so I'm not ready for people to pay an extra dollar to go into the tent to see me at the county fair quite yet as the next freak show. 3) Her couch is too short for me to lay down on. 4) Pleather is suprisingly comfortable and feels like the real thing, or is it? 5) The Princess Leia chained to Jabba the Hut in Return of the Jedi fantasy is normal but it appears to be inappopriate to request acting it out at our session even though I had the Luke Skywalker black glove pretending to have a robotic hand and was ready to show off my light saber (okay Hope's family probably should have stopped reading this a couple of paragraphs ago). 6) There is no timeframe or formula for getting over losing the love of your life and mother to your children no matter how many stupid jokes you attempt but that everyone grieves differently and that I am 100%, no question about it, different. 7) The boys will always come first (see no. 1), unless of course that Swedish bikini model nanny comes through and then they're a close second.

Please help us fight cancer if you can. Please help other families avoid what we have had to endure in the future. When I think back to what we went through it amazes me our kids are doing so well, I'm even functioning at all, and with all the daily help we needed we still have any friends left or family that still talks to us. I will always be indebted to all of you as your love and support is probably the only reason we have survived as a family of three wisemen. Lane, I will see you Friday, we all love you, and we will try not to bother you too much but know that anything you need anytime we will be there. I know I speak for my family but also all of our friends from MI.

Two Tragedies and a Salvation

2009-04-12T14:59:00.002-05:00

It's no 3 weddings and a funeral (which by the way is the only movie Hugh Grant was funny in --- not that Notting Hill wasn't funny but because of his roommate and not Hugh --- and is an all-time late night classic you just can't turn off) but since my last blog we have had two tragedies within 3 days of each other to our loved ones. First is an old dear friend Lane that tragically lost her brother and almost both of ther parents in the most bizzare and horrifying way possible. Her dad is still not out of the woods yet and Lane just know we love you and so do so many others. The fact that her parents are still alive is a tribute to law enforcement officers and their unbelievably quick action. Lane, we will be there Friday and I know that you know that I know that you know that if you ever need anything our entire family is here anytime. Anything! Anytime!

My favorite Lane story, she now lives like a hippie in Oregon and visited us last fall when she was in town. We were at a resort beachside because we had my brother and others in town when Lane shows up. I hadn't seen her in a while so she handed me her baby Pasquale over the fence and then walked around through the lobby. By the time she got around I had handed Pasquale off and we were catching up. She was going on about hippie life in OR and how Pasquale had never eaten anything that wasn't natural such as breast milk, home made baby foods, organic juice, etc. Just then I turn around and my step-dad is holding him while he's downing a Yoohoo. Welcome to the Wise family Lane! By the way later that night I caught him eating pizza. Just one more time the Wise family ruined someone.

One of Reese's teachers was involved in a horrifying accident that she was the driver and it killed her teenage daughter while her husband is in a coma with a tough chance for survival. She is one of the sweetest most caring people you could ever meet and her tragedy is unexplainable as bad things happening to good people go. My favorite story of her is that every year they have a trike-a-thon fundraiser and she rode around the entire school the morning of on a tiny tricycle with a jester's outfit on. That just got everyone into the spirit and if you've never seen thirty 4 and 5 year-olds riding bikes and scooters you're missing out. Our love and positive thoughts go out to both families. Both of these events make my family's situation look like a fairy tale. If these two stories and Hope's don't tell us anything, it's appreciate the moment. I feel like I'm able to do that right now with no hesitation, not planning much ahead but sucking the joy out of every moment as much as possible in the now. Seize the day, one of all the best ever movie quotes from Dead Poets Society. If you're not inspired by that movie you're dead or a robot.

Speaking of Robin Williams, who would have ever thought Mork from Ork (you had to love the cross-over episodes back in the day like when Fonzie was on Mork and Mindy or when Mork was hanging with the Cunninghams) would come up with Good Will Hunting? Of course it took place in Boston and one of the best scenes in the movie is when he's talking about missing game 6, yes THE GAME 6 when Carlton Fisk hits the most classic shot in sports history while he willed the ball into fair territory, and he didn't mind because he met his wife that night and we later learned she had passed away. He had absolutely no regrets for one second with his wife, and talks about her farting and not knowing it at night. I feel the same, minus the farts (Hope did fart for the record but it was only bad when she was pregnant). I'm as big of a Red Sox fan as they come, but I'd give up game 6 that year, 2004 or 2006 World Series game for just 5 more minutes with Hope when she was healthy.

I had a friend recently tell me they wish they could fast forward a year. Now there were many reasons behind her wish that did make sense, but I just could not let that slide. I would like it too at times to know how I'll be feeling, see if I can move on, and for so many other reasons but you just never know what the next moment could bring you. I told her not to wish for such things, enjoy the moment, and everything will fall into the right place but to most importantly enjoy the journey, don't just wait for the ending. Now I also promised a salvation in this blog.

I had my first psycho appointment about 10 days ago and I walked out of there feeling like I was cured. All my guilt and worries that had been piling up, she helped me understand and explained to me. I felt like Oprah had been lifted off my shoulders, and I'm just not a big enough guy to be carrying her around. My next appointment is in a few days, but the progress we made in one session blew me away. It also turns out we have a mutual friend that we are both close to which was really crazy, but that is a story for another time. Just in case you've never tried therapy, yes they do have a couch that was quite comfortable, plenty of tissues around, and unlike the porn movies I am used to (not animal porn Maria, no donkeys walked in) nobody was naked the entire time. Who knew?

I haven't blogged in a while because we've again just been too busy. I'm on 2 months now not watching any TV at home basically. I'm not sure why I still have Brighthouse at this point. You always get punished before and after any vacation, and our trip to NC was no different. We had a great time though, the boys were great, we loved seeing Will and Anna's house, hanging with them, and we even had enough time to get to the very cold beach to see a friend from Florida. We missed the wedding we went up for so for that I apologize to Hope's dad and family, and Amanda I will make up for it in the value of your gift that's on it's way. The whole beach trip was impromptu and could not have worked out any better. When I'm not in mixed company, ask me about the drunk bus we went out in on Friday night. I think we got home around 5:30 AM and if there any pictures Anna will pay you to burn them. Really she will.

We got home last Monday night late to begin the boy's Spring Break. Judy took the kids on Tues when I got back to work, I took off Wed for a fun spontaneous day in Orlando (we went to the Hotel Portofino at Universal to meet a friend we could never find but ended up at their pool for hours before taking a boat ride to City Walk and absolutely having a blast), next day was the beach, followed by two days at Nana and Papa's while I actually got some boy time off from boys. I was able to get some things done at the house, go out with friends, and pretended to be an adult (actually more like a college freshman but that was the fun of it). My mom just got back from 10 days in Ecuador right before we went to NC so she had barely seen the boys in 2 to 3 weeks. We had Easter at their place and now we're back home relaxing as all of us try to get ready to get back into the work and school grind (although we are about to go next door for some dessert). Speaking of my mom she is infamous for leaving the world's longest voicemails. You ever leave one of those voicemails you just wish you could suck back through the phone? I'm going to invent the voicemail and e-mail suck it back in machinerator. It will need a cooler name though like the ohshitsuckitbackerator 9000 or something like that.

Now that I am cured after one therapy session the world is my oyster again. I decided not to do the community yard sale next weekend because I just could not get myself to go through Hope's stuff yet. I am slowly making changes though like using her towel rack, calling the bedroom and our master bath my room instead of ours to the boys, not feeling as lonely at night anymore especially when the kids weren't here, and I put a stool in front of her sink along with the boys back-up toothbrushes so they can get ready with me instead of only in their bathroom. I am still wearing my wedding ring, don't know when I'll be comfortable taking it off. I still have her stuff in the shower, haven't gone through her night stand, closet or purse, and am reconsidering doing the teddy bear and blanket with her old clothes. I am not trying to make this place a Hope museum, but at the same time make sure the boys always know who there mommy was. Reese may not remember without my prompting, and they need to know they had the best mommy ever.

I was even talking to Will (Hope's brother) about the future a bit on my trip. When I do decide to start seeing women again do I want to take on a divorcee or otherwise single mom with children (that's how I grew up in FLA and to say it was a challenge is the understatement of the century), single woman with no children but might want some (I am not sure I'm ready to start up a new family again), or just hire an 18 year-old Swedish nanny and be done with it. (Yes Katarina, I'm ready for my third massage). I grew up with a remarried family and to say it was difficult would be like saying Sam Mallone on Cheers only kind of liked women. By the way, a combination of he and Norm are still my idols. Dare to dream kids out there, dare to dream. All-time two favorite Normy quotes were Woody asking what are up to Mr. Peterson and Norm responding my normal weight if I was 8'-10" tall followed by "It's a dog eat dog world out there and I'm eating Milkbone underwear." That's right, I can't remember my ago or my kids middle names without some prompting but just test me on any Normism.

Back to the grind this week, school, normal work schedule, and groveling for donations to Relay for Life. I'll be sending out a separate blog on that one. My two friends went through hell over the last week, I only understand a little bit of how they feel and would do anything to help them. I would give up almost anything for 5 more minutes with a healthy Hope, but I feel good most of the time now and have no regrets. I know I keep saying that but I think that's the only way to move on in a healthy manner. I love you like water Hope, I will always love you, your boys love you, and I think my salvation is coming full circle. Now if only the Red Sox can get some better starting pitching and Kevin Garnett will be healthy for the playoffs, that would be my next salvation.

Finding the Old Me

2009-03-27T23:04:00.003-05:00

I've complained at times about not feeling like me anymore. Of course I have to evolve into a new routine, new priorities, some new friends as time and the single life evolves (no offense but I can already tell some married friends act differently but that's only natural), hard feelings at times, but most importantly finding the positive out of each moment. I think I'm doing a really great job of the latter, almost too good at times. I feel guilty sometimes I'm not more upset and that I'm enjoying things so much. I feel like the old me is slowly coming back, getting back into the work I love and feeling like a human being again. There are two friends recently that have helped me beyond explanation, and for that I will be forever grateful. They help me not feel guilty, enjoy the moment more, and give me HOPE for the future to be bright again. I suck up anything positive, and anyone that knows me I'm always looking at the positive. I'm no Richard Simmons but I think I can fill out his short shorts and who doesn't love a fro on an old goofy white guy.

We are hopefully in the worst economic times any of us will ever know, yet my business is hanging in there and to date I have not cut one person or slashed salaries yet. I owe so much to everyone I work with for putting up with me, working so hard when I wasn't around much, and for just stepping up when my family needed it the most. I never had to ask, they just did it. I will always be grateful and hanging in as long as possible for them is the least I can do. It's been a while since I last blogged, and that's only because we've been so busy. Between soccer, friends, work, school, and different events we've been slammed. Just since the last blog we've gone to a new dinosaur store grand opening which the kids loved, had a camp out sleep over at a friends in a tent, went to a Magic game against the Celtics with some sweet seats, worked, soccered (I know it's not a real word), wiped noses and bums (with different wipes by the way), cooked, cleaned, organized, drank, hot tubbed, relaxed even a bit, baseballed (Spring Training), are going to an amazing air show this weekend with VIP passes thanks to Shelby, and made plans to get out of town for a Hope's half-sister's wedding next weekend while we stay at Will and Anna's. Anna left me the sweetest voicemail ever the other night, it's one I've saved and will forever remember.

I lost my credit card at the Magic Game and a bet that I owe two cases of beer on trying to determine if the person sitting one seat away was male or female. I lost, Erica was her name and there's no way I could have come up with that one. Not a good basketball night as KG got hurt again, the C's lost, but at least it was an exhilerating game. I've never been one very good at stopping but that night I think we were in our hotel rooms sleeping by 1 AM. I can't remember the last time that happened when I didn't have to get to bed. Since Brendan Walsh wasn't there to take my keys we crashed at a nearby hotel. By the way, a good tip when you're negotiating for a romm 2 minutes before you plan to use it make a disgusted face when they tell you the price, see if there's anything they can do, and before you know it I saved us $60. I'm not retiring but it meant another trip back to the bar.

I've seen absolutely zero of the college tournament and that's my favorite playoff of all time because we've been so busy. I have not watched any TV in probably a month, literally. At night now I just listen to music, work some, get the kids ready for the next day, and usually talk on the phone with friends/family. I really do feel like myself again a lot, and for that I'm thankful. I think some friends have pulled it out of me, and for that I will be forever grateful. My mom is in Ecuador right now, and I worry about her. She goes on these types of trips at least once a year now and they always worry me. 10 days without contact and hopefully she'll come back chewing cocoa leaves feeling no pain. I think that's exactly what she tried to keep us from doing as teenagers and now she's traveling the world to do it. Go figure. Maybe she'll bring some back for me this time, my mom the dealer.

We had some friends over tonight and it was fun as always. For some reason I was really bummed out and lonely when everyone left, but not for too long. The boys are doing great, I have found a new source of happiness, and we are settling a bit into a new routine. I have my first appointment on Wed morning and I'm paying out of pocket but seeing the same psycho that Hope did. I sat in on 2 sessions so she knows me a bit, but more importantly she knew Hope. She even agreed to read my blogs before the session so she can know that much more about me. I told her I would give her 1 or 2 sessions and if I'm not cured I'm out of there. Of course I was just kidding, I'm in it for the long haul. The friend that talked me into doing it the most has been doing so for almost 5 years so I know it's not a sprint but a marathon (normally we just want everything instantly but I'm not going to set myself up for failure).

After we get back from NC, the kids will have Spring Break. We've talked to a lot of friends about getting together so I think it will be fun. I hope to sneak off from work to spend more time with the boys but we'll see how that goes immediately following a trip. You just have to take what you can get right now because it's so tough out there. I remember when I first started the business, I would call Hope every time I just got a call to send in a proposal. Then I would go nuts over the smallest job. Then when things went crazy I would throw signed contracts down on our office manager's desk and say dammit we got another one. Now we're back to the celebrating every opportunity, and rejoicing when they work out. Getting actually paid is another issue, but I'm going to stay positive. I feel like Rosco Peco Train sometimes as we seem to do all the work but Boss Hogg just never lets any of that money go. Dukes of Hazzard can represent any part of our lives, right??? The only thing in my childhood more disappointing then the 1 season they had the cousins Coy and Vance (I had to look up Vance but I remembered Coy's name) pretend to be Luke and Bo was seeing Daisy on the reunion show. Some things are just meant to not grow old, like Bart Simpson or Kelly Kapowski.

I've been looking everywhere for the old me, and I found me just where I left me. That's right here, I haven't changed too much but there are definitely some differences. There is now only 1 priority, my boys, and everything else comes next. Welcome back old Jake, I missed you. I'm sure everyone else enjoyed you not being around but too bad. I'm back for good dammit!

St. Paddy's Day

2009-03-17T18:04:00.002-05:00

Yep, my crazy single life has me at home on the greatest green beer day of the year. Last blog I talked about Natedog staying home on Monday and Tuesday of last week really crippling my work production. This week it was Reese, I got a call Monday before lunch that he had a 105 temp (not a typo) and was vomiting. They could not give him anything so I ran home, picked up meds, prayed to the Tylenol and Motrin gods, and got him going on the drugs. Because the temp was so high I took him to a doc in the box, kind of like going to the dollar store for shampoo when every other store is $2.59 or higher. Your hair might look like you showered at Jerry Seinfeld's apartment when they installed the "low flow" showerheads but is it really worth that saving $1.59? Anyway Doogie Howser checked his ears and tested him for the flu and could not find anything but a high temp, occasional cough, and a tired boy (I could have freaking told them that!!!). So I paid my $55 co-pay for basically nothing after almost 2 hours, and we went home. By the time we got home he was feeling good enough to play and by the end of the night argue with me about going to bed early.

He woke up last night not feeling well, I gave him some more meds, carried him down to our (I still do that, I guess I mean my) bed, and then put him in a sleeping bag. Well he peed all over that sleeping bag, so I then pulled out Nathan's, changed him, and went back to bed. Next thing I know it's 7 AM and his fever is back along with Exorcist style vomiting. Luckily I kept most of it in Nathan's sleeping bag and it was right back to the meds. Yep, I spent most of St. Paddy's day cleaning sleeping bags, socks and sneakers doused in vomit, and listening to either Star Wars Clone Wars or the Wii. I did get my mom down here to cover a couple of meetings and phone calls, but otherwise it was the 4th day in the last 7 working days I was unexpectedly home. I am able to keep up with phone calls and e-mails for the most part, but some things are falling behind. Single parenting sucks at times, to put it plainly.

I'm hoping for the green beer I gave him to help him sleep tonight, we'll see how that goes. I've been talking to a friend a lot about counseling, as some events in her past lead her to needing it. She's going on 5 years and it's really helped. I've decided and am calling now for a one-on-one appointment. I feel like generally I'm doing well, but I just don't think it could hurt at all. I do have some feelings I just can't explain or justify right now and for the moment that's all I'm going to say about that. I'm hoping some anonymous counseling will help me understand why. I will tell whomever I end up with to read the blog so they can have a good understanding of where I've been and what I'm about before the first appointment. I figure that puts us about 10 months ahead of starting from scratch. I'm sure they'll charge me for it but what the hell. My blogs do ramble so you may end up reading about a psychologist killing themself after reading a patient's blog. I know some friends/family have asked if I could give them a refund to get their last 20 minutes back after reading some. It's like when Sylvester Stallone did the movie Oscar, he still owes me 90 minutes and my hourly rate is only going up.

We had a great weekend with Aunt Nancy and the Knoxville Thompson's visiting. They're always fun and here for a week so hopefully I can get the kids feeling better and we can reconnect. I made dinner for all of them on Saturday night and then because Aunt Nancy stayed here I actually got to go out for an evening. I hooked up very late with a friend I had never gone out with before. We had so much fun and I can't wait to do that again. That was one of the best nights I've had in a long, long, long time. Just to go for a run, have a dinner with an adult, or catch up with a friend is difficult in single parent world but I would not trade a second of it. Those boys are the best thing that's ever happened to me and until they start hating me around age 13 I'm loving every moment of it. I never realized how much I missed with Hope at home, and I think every Dad (or Mom if the Dad is the main caretaker) should spend a week or longer doing everything just to be thankful for what they have but also to enjoy the kiddo time. We have some unbelievable conversations and fun, but that's what it's all about.

My Dad always said, "if it feels good do it." I've changed that to "if it feels good and doesn't hurt anyone do it." I'm really having some fun without guilt right now, appreciating the past, working harder then ever but less on work then ever, and exploring my feelings and tendencies. I can't explain them all, have found a new addiction or two I might talk about later (and that has nothing to do with train humping --- although I received some of the greatest e-mails from friends/family on that one), and spent the last hour or so working on a leprechaun trap. Just so you know, leprechauns cannot be caught, but any toys, candy, gold, or other tangible items they have when caught in a trap have to remain behind. We'll see if our trap is successful tonight, and thanks Mom for running to Walgreens and leaving a few green/gold items in the mailbox for later.

One quick story about train humping, I had a friend that is also going through a tough time google train, fetish and humping after my last blog. She came across my blog but also a story about a man in Hong Kong that was doing the same to a steel bench with circles cut out of it. Well when het got excited he also got larger and stuck. They had to cut the bench apart and take him to the hospital with it. To make a long article short they finally freed him through the miracle of modern science (they probably just showed him pictures of Daisy Duke during the last reunion special) but if it took only one more hour they would have had to cut his manhood off.

I've given up on green beer and laundry for the night, now I'm working on purple grape juice. Happy St. Paddy's day, I'm going to celebrate by myself after the kids go to bed with a boobie trap and a leprechaun one too. Ladies, step over that leprechaun trap but watch out for the other when you visit. Don't go humping anything I wouldn't tonight...

Hump Day

2009-03-11T07:58:00.002-05:00

Mid-week and I'm as weirded out as ever by how I feel and what's going on. I had 2 late night city council meetings the last two nights, soccer practice tonight, and another city council meeting on Thursday night. Grandma's and neighbors have been putting in overtime to help us out. Nathan stayed home on Monday sick so I started the week off a day behind with work. He went to school on Tuesday for a field trip to the zoo but threw up before they left so he came home again yesterday. Today he's back and I'm just watching the phone hoping not to get the call. He's got no fever, just an upset stomach and only Sunday night and the two mornings. The rest of the time he seems fine.

I got out of the shower over the weekend and since I was wearing nothing but my wedding ring Nathan was standing there (by the way if you have kids you just plain give up on privacy. I don't even bother closing the bathroom doors anymore because as soon as I sit on my throne Mocha paws at the door and both kids are in the room. They always turn on the fan --- now I know this becoming TMI --- and complain about me stinking up the joint but don't leave. I am so far behind in reading the newspaper and magazines because I've lost that time. By the way this all started in our old house because our master bath had a saloon style door and the kids/dogs would just walk underneath it) and he asked why I wore the ring. I started to tell him it was because I still loved Mommy but then some day when I take it off I didn't want him to think I didn't love Mommy anymore. So there I am still naked and rubbing myself all over (with the towel ya weirdos) while I have absolutely no good response to my inquisitive child. I don't even remember what I finally said now to him except to punish him severely for upsetting Daddy and feeling like it took me 10 minutes to say anything. Of course I didn't punish him but after he left the room my stomach was in knots and I just felt like an absolutely incompetent Dad.

Why do I still wear the ring? Why do I keep Hope's shampoo and razor in the shower and her jackets on the hooks by the front door? Why haven't I gone through our cabinets, our freezer that is overflowing, her closet, her part of the dresser, her night stand, the console in her car, her part of the bathroom, and her overnight bag from hospice? Why am I not freaked out that I can't find our family heir loom ring from my great-grandmother? Am I just numb? I feel guilty all the time I don't think about her more, but we're just so busy I can't even keep up with daily chores sometimes so sitting around getting upset and thinking about it just doesn't happen much lately. I feel like I should be doing much more soul searching and feeling her loss, but I just don't. I feel like I'm just numb at this point.

I was giving blood Friday of last week in the Big Red Bus that we've had come to our office for a long time now. I was the only one in the bus except the employees and they started talking about who they were giving the blood to. I just lost it for no reason at all and it was almost impossible to just sit there. The only other experience I can compare it to was one time when Hope in hospice I was getting a haircut with the boys and the hair dresser said she thought I had a discoloration on my head that I should get checked out (of course I still haven't done this). I just lost it with both kids getting cuts at the same time as I could feel my tears pushing the newly cut hair down my face. This poor lady had no idea of course what was going on until I finally pulled myself together enough to tell her. That was one uncomfortable hair cut the rest of that sitting and I was trying to hide being upset from the boys.

Wednesday is hump day, and I'm not quite over the hump yet this week. By the way I'll never forget and I took a picture of it years ago but one time I was doing an inspection at NASA outside the VAB where they have trains that deliver materials and parts. There was a sign on the caboose that simply said, "No Humping." Now I don't know what kind of a pervert freak humps trains but if it happens often enough at NASA there must be a website and fetish group into this. It's just one more thing that makes me miss Hope, and I'm sorry if her family is reading this (in fact stop now or this will get worse). I always said I would be honest and not hold back so here goes. They put ever possible side effect on every medication and cancer treatment brochure from anal bleeding to softening of bones, dry mouth, teeth and hair falling out, could cause cancer was one of my favorites, loss of breasts and tongue, to death. The one thing they don't put on the cancer treatment brochures that is difficult for the spouse to get used to is lack of humping (or intimacy which I'll use to be more PC).

Imagine having your first breast removed for over a year, having your second one removed then reconstruction of both, then indescribable dryness, feeling sick all the time, trying to gather enough strength just to get out of bed without nausea, then a portion of your tongue removed three times before they took over half of it away, radiation to the breasts and mouth, and all the time not being able to just simply kiss your husband. It's not something I've talked to anyone about over the last 7 years, but I started to lose my wife a long time ago to cancer. It just kept taking more and more of her until she was completely gone. I've missed her so much over the last 7 years at different times, and now all the time and I barely think about it lately. I can't explain it, it must just be a coping mechanism. If anyone finds the link to the train fetish site please send it to me. I'll try anything after all this time. Happy Hump Day!

Group Therapy

2009-03-05T10:43:00.003-05:00

I tried group therapy yesterday for the first time. Of course I got there late so they had already started. I would say the average age had 30 years on me, most of their kids are older than me. That's not necessarily a bad thing. I was hoping to latch onto a single rich widow to be my sugarmama so I could retire and just take care of the kids. I rated my feelings on a 1-10 with 10 being the worst (that threw me off a bit --- that's like trying not to eat dots in Ms. Pacman, you guys out there know what I'm talking about, right? Right?) and at the time I was feeling pretty good so I put a 1. I listened to folks that have lost their loved ones for many years now struggle with every day still (I did relate to them though, I remember when 90210 went off the air and all I had was my memories of Brendan Walsh --- and of course reruns).

One woman that just lost her parents has spent 20 years caring for them and has no friends, kids, boyfriend, etc. Her whole life was caring for her parents and is now lost with no meaning in her life since they passed. She said they were her kids. That one really got to me. They asked me to tell my story and I did the Reader's Digest version (that's an old magazine for those of you under 30, oh and a magazine is a periodical like a newspaper that is delivered to the house similar to your mail, oh and a newspaper is black and white print with pictures and news in it typically delivered daily, oh and mail is envelopes with letters and packages that use stamps, oh and letters are...how far away are we from mail, newspapers, magazines, stamps, pencils, etc. from going extinct?) in about 30 seconds. I really just wanted to listen.

For the most part I just listened after that. I hate to say this so I don't jinx myself, but I did feel like I was already doing better then most of them that spoke. Not that I don't miss Hope all the time but I did had a lot of time to try and prepare myself and I know the hard part is not even close to over. However, I just feel like with the boys and so much love and support from all of you I'm getting into a better place already. Tomorrow I might have my sweatpants back on with the string still not fixed but that's how I'm feeling right now. I have felt good the last 2 days, it's a good feeling to feel good about feeling good (Anna is now banging her head against the desk). The group therapy actually depressed me some and made me feel worse so I won't be going back.

I got all my bills paid on Monday as I didn't even go to the office to make sure it was done. I worked on them from about 9:30 AM to 5:30 PM straight (along with handling a few work items) before I finally finished. I was so proud of myself that I walked straight out to the mailbox to put my envelopes out for mailing when I found two more damn bills. I haven't opened up them yet so I think I'll let them sit until May this time. It was a huge relief, like when Oprah cuts those two extra holes at the end of her belt or connects the second one on nickel wing night (ahh that felt good, I haven't done a fat Oprah joke in many blogs --- it's not as much fun because I don't get to see Hope get mad at me but I know she's right here getting angry with me).

I've also started doing a couple of things around the house for the first time since Hope passed. I changed the DVR to stop recording her shows for the first time so no more Oprah, HGTV, or Tori Spelling (do they just give every B star their own show nowadays --- and this is me making fun of a 90210 star?) on our cable box. I replaced them with Spongebob and porn, both for me but I might share Spongebob with the boys. They'll have to sneak the porn like we had to growing up which by the way seems much easier now with the internet. We used to hide magazines in trees and under rocks to try and keep them dry when it rained and snowed. If anyone knows the kids that live at 29 School Street in Westboro, MA, I can tell them where to go. I'll bet it's still there. I also started putting a towel on Hope's rack, and moved the stool in front of her sink so the kids can use it. I moved the remote in the bedroom on my side of the bed, and I did all of this just this week.

We switched insurance on 1 March so I think I'm going to look at my options for one-on-one therapy. A lot of friends have said it's really helped them through issues in the past (I think letting people read about my feelings on the blog have helped others open up and feel better about talking about their problems --- we all have them, try to let friends help you get through them). I know it can't hurt so I think I'm going to give the mono y mono therapy a try. I found out a friend that I thought had a perfect marriage has been going through a separation. We've been talking and in some strange ways my situation is actually easier than hers. I grew up with a single mom through all my formulative years (no you can't blame my personality on that) so I do know divorce from personal experience and it's difficult. She is an amazing woman in my experience and I found it hard to believe she could lose confidence in herself but I can see how that would happen when all of a sudden everything changes. Stay strong my friend, I'll be here faking it too.

We're having a big Mardi Gras party here on Saturday with tons of kids decorating masks, sugar cookies, grilling out, virgin hurricanes, and then a few adult imbibements (I don't think that's a word). It was a friend's idea and I think it will be a blast for everyone. I (I hate that I now have to say I and not we when it comes to making decisions) decided to go up to NC in April to see Will/Anna and their short people mooching off them. The kids will have a blast and we'll even get to Hope's half-sister's wedding in Williamsburg, VA. For those of you that don't know, Hope has 7 brothers and half-brothers/sisters. I hope no one is offended but I won't be keeping up with all your birthdays, anniversaries, and pending graduations. I can barely keep up with my kids' schedules right now. Just because Group Therapy wasn't for me dealing with Hope's death, I do have a few group therapy sessions I'll be starting up and will need some volunteers:

There hasn't been a Saved by the Bell Reunion in 10 years, what happened to Kelli Kapowski?
The new Knight Rider is already off the air because they forgot the biggest star is the Hoff and not the talking tinker toy
Is the porn name Buck Naked copyrighted for George Constanza only?
Milli Vanilli vs. Vanilla Ice vs. MC Hammer, which one truly has stolen the most songs and become famous more famous simply by dressing and looking goofy --- can I still get the Hammer pants?

I'll be scheduling on-line sessions and of course you can always come here in your Hoff Members Only black jacket, Vanilla Ice buzz cut, and Hammer pants to be with me every Saturday night. Happy healing to all...

Bottoming Out - Sweatpants

2009-03-02T06:34:00.003-05:00

Sunday morning I knew I had absolutely bottomed out --- yeah that's right I was wearing sweatpants for the third day in a row. I had put them on when I got home on Friday, Saturday after our games, and then first thing Sunday morning. Mind you I only have one pair and nothing says I've completely given up like sweatpants. Now they are so comfortable but inexcusable to wear multiple days in a row unless you've bottomed out. The good news is that if I'm thinking about such things, I was starting to improve. The symbolism of me ripping off the sweatpants for a real pair of shorts (yes I did put something else on in case the neighbors came over) coincided with me really starting to feel better. I had my first good day since last Monday, I got a ton of stuff done, had some fun, and wasn't upset during the day at all. If I just knew it was as simple of taking off sweatpants I would have done it days ago. Who knew???

Another thing I realized is that Hope must have always kept my drawing strings in check on sweats, short, jammer bottoms, etc. Because now everything I own with a drawstring has only one end hanging out. I can't figure out how to get the other end back out (is there some magic power Mom's have to do this that men just aren't born with?). I don't remember having this issue on such a global stage (by that I mean most of my drawstrings but I have a flair for the dramatic) before so this must be one of the many little things I didn't even appreciate previously.

Saturday was crazy, one of those days I really missed Hope. Reese had his first ever Mini-kickers practice on Saturday at 9 AM in Viera (about 20 minutes from Melbourne) and he scored two goals in the first few minutes of their scrimmage. He was so proud and I have pics of both goals. Nathan was there helping him, practicing with him, and giving him the cutest instructions on what to do. It was definitely a proud papa moment and I really missed Hope during that time. We both looked so forward to watching him start to play sports because he always wanted to be out there with Nathan's teams (and sometimes he was). One of his happiest moments at the Christmas before last was when he got a pair of cletes for the first time.

We then raced off to Nathan's first soccer game of the season (10:15 AM at Wickham Park in Melbourne) that we got there about 10 minutes late and then had to leave about 15 minutes early. The way our screwy league does it as one of the coaches they split the teams into two squads and have you spend half of your time with each half of the team. That really stunk because then I was not with Nathan for the second half of his game. We split our team into boys and girls and unfortunately our girls were way overmatched so it wasn't fun for them. We even played 5 on 4 and we were stll blown away.

By 11:15 AM we had to be at basketball for Nathan's last game of the season. The Celtics blew out the Magic 22 to 10 and the game wasn't even that close. It really came down to absolutely genius schemes from the coach for that kind of a lop-sided victory. The kids had a blast, they passed great, received trophies, and then since the kids beat the coaches in the last practice on Thursday I brought all of them a popsicles and Capri-Suns.

After the game of course it was really hectic handling all of the kids and when I was loading up mine I realized Reese had left his small black FSU backpack in the gym (it had all his Leapster games because I didn't have any help this weekend he sat on the bench and played his game). I then realized my wallet and cel phone were in the bag too. So we spent the next hour searching the gym for the backpack with a cordless phone I kept call it hoping to hear it ring or that someone else would and pick it up. This was of course during another game so you can imagine I was unsuccessful. At this point in the day I'm fried, just wanted to get something to eat but of course could not without a wallet, so we just went home.

Later in the day I found out that the assistant coach had seen the backpack laying here, picked it, couldn't find me, so he took it home. He left messages on my cellular thinking I had it but didn't hear it ring until later on. He was also trying to call the gym but he was trying when I was walking around with the phone so he could not get through. Bottom line is that Reese is no longer in charge of my wallet and cellular phone, I guess I could have thought that one through in the beginning. That's one thing wiht depression, you're definitely not as sharp as you normally are.

The other strange thing about depression for me (at least I thought it was strange) is that I do not drink at all. I really thought I would want to drink a lot more trying to make myself feel better but not a drop. My liver is screaming at me like Chris' zit on Family Guy but I've just not had any interest at all. The good news is that I think I'm climbing out of my fog, not wearing sweatpants at all today, and maybe I'll even be able to whack a few back this evening for my liver's sake. TGIM, at least that's how I feel this morning as I feel good in the AM for the first time in almost a week.