tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-52204194131656369342009-02-23T09:59:55.600-05:00slappyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04164998357718548360noreply@blogger.comBlogger24125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5220419413165636934.post-66488405028974249112008-04-06T18:24:00.009-04:002008-12-09T19:36:35.375-05:00<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/R_lRn2UmTmI/AAAAAAAAAf8/tSDlkk6Q59o/s1600-h/league.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/R_lRn2UmTmI/AAAAAAAAAf8/tSDlkk6Q59o/s400/league.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5186266190932495970" /></a><br />Starring: Sean Connery<br /><br />Plot Summary: Superheroes from the great works of literature fight evil.<br /><div id="[0024]toggle" class="" menu="" collapse="" r="" readmorelink="" style="margin-bottom: 5px; display: inline;"><br /><a id="[0024]link" href='javascript:blockon("[0024]","[0024]link","[0024]toggle")'>Read more/less</a><br /></div><br /><div id="[0024]" class="readmore" style="padding: 0px 5px; display: none;"><br />The strength of Sean Connery is his ability to lift a movie out of mediocrity with his sheer will. Without Sir Sean, The Untouchables would have been a drier version of Waterworld. Without Sir Sean, The Rock would have been Con Air. Without Sir Sean, James Bond would have been Roger Moore. In a tour de force, the man decided to carry an ensemble cast whose combined age is roughly equal to his. The result was the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen:<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/R_lQtmUmThI/AAAAAAAAAfU/xEFofQb_hik/s1600-h/league-mina.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/R_lQtmUmThI/AAAAAAAAAfU/xEFofQb_hik/s320/league-mina.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5186265190205115922" /></a>Mina Harker: (Bram Stoker's Dracula) The wife of vampire hunter Jonathan Harker, bitten by Dracula himself, Mina has all of the powers of a vampire except the evilness.<br /><br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/R_lQtWUmTeI/AAAAAAAAAe8/UqVSJUUN-BE/s1600-h/league-dorian.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/R_lQtWUmTeI/AAAAAAAAAe8/UqVSJUUN-BE/s320/league-dorian.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5186265185910148578" /></a>Dorian Gray: (Oscar Wilde's Picture of Dorian Gray) In addition to the legendary dry wit he gained from his creator, Dorian is indestructible, since his picture not only ages but takes bullet wounds for him.<br /><br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/R_lQtmUmTgI/AAAAAAAAAfM/AATdmi2Q9K8/s1600-h/league-jekyll.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/R_lQtmUmTgI/AAAAAAAAAfM/AATdmi2Q9K8/s320/league-jekyll.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5186265190205115906" /></a>Dr. Jekyll / Mr. Hyde: (H.G. Wells) Dr. Jekyll can take a potion and become the ultrapowerful Mr. Hyde via a series of quick morphs and flash powder explosions.<br /><br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/R_lRRGUmTkI/AAAAAAAAAfs/j2LXws560VU/s1600-h/league-tom.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/R_lRRGUmTkI/AAAAAAAAAfs/j2LXws560VU/s320/league-tom.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5186265800090472002" /></a>Tom Sawyer: (Rush's Moving Pictures album) Tom managed to rise from semi-literate petty criminal to US Marshall, and is now operating well out of jurisdiction in Europe. A skilled marksman, he also is adept at tricking people into whitewashing fences.<br /><br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/R_lQtmUmTiI/AAAAAAAAAfc/_8wTgAX03rQ/s1600-h/league-nemo.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/R_lQtmUmTiI/AAAAAAAAAfc/_8wTgAX03rQ/s320/league-nemo.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5186265190205115938" /></a>Captain Nemo: (Jules Verne's 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea) An Eastern potentate turned pirate, Nemo has achieved the rare dual mastery of engineering and swordfighting.<br /><br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/R_lQtWUmTfI/AAAAAAAAAfE/wg0ux93LHm8/s1600-h/league-invisible.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/R_lQtWUmTfI/AAAAAAAAAfE/wg0ux93LHm8/s320/league-invisible.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5186265185910148594" /></a>The Invisible Man: (H.G. Wells) Cockney thief and comic relief Rodney Skinner lifted the formula off the more unfortunate scientist in the eponymous novel. Luckily avoiding the psychosis suffered by the original Invisible Man or by Kevin Bacon, this Invisible Man offers unrivaled stealth to the League.<br /><br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/R_lRRGUmTjI/AAAAAAAAAfk/nevjkkkErFg/s1600-h/league-sean.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/R_lRRGUmTjI/AAAAAAAAAfk/nevjkkkErFg/s320/league-sean.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5186265800090471986" /></a>Allan Quatermain: (H. Rider Haggard) Clearly needing no introduction, Sir Sean plays the most famous hunter/explorer Englishman in all of literary history. There is not a schoolboy on this earth who has not thrilled to the adventures of this sharpshooter, or at least seen Jumanji.<br /><br /><br />Though studio executives take some heat for being cold, emotionless, money-counting machines, they did make a smart calculation on the League. Since most of the characters hail from English, Scots, and Irish works (and even one French), they felt it needed to be Americanized a little so that people in Ohio would care about the film. It worked for The Great Escape. This explains the introduction of Tom Sawyer and the casting of Naseerudin Shah as Captain Nemo. Naseerudin Shah is of course the Bollywood equivalent of Kids in the Hall actor Kevin McDonald. Granted, Kevin is Canadian, but it's close enough.<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/R_lRemUmTlI/AAAAAAAAAf0/MBFoVK00tEg/s1600-h/league-kevinnemo.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/R_lRemUmTlI/AAAAAAAAAf0/MBFoVK00tEg/s400/league-kevinnemo.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5186266032018706002" /></a><br />The movie opens with a series of heists and abductions in turn of the century Europe by an army of heavily armored tanks and troops, led by the masked Fantom. He is stealing plans and kidnapping scientists as per Chapter 3 in the Supervillian Handbook. In response, a mysterious Englishman begins rounding up literary characters for the League. He is known only as M because apparently the Bond franchise couldn't copyright a single letter, and is played by a Richard Roxburgh who was Dracula in Van Helsing and the Duke in Moulin Rouge. Not that he's evil.<br /><br />A reluctant Sir Sean is brought back to England from his Kenyan estate after a small detachment of the Fantom's troops attempts to assassinate him. Sir Sean is still not particularly interested in returning to the mother country, but after his home is more or less totaled as a result of the attack he has no place else to go. This clever plot device allows Sir Sean to be brought into the League and at the same time be a bit of a dick towards the team and England in general.<br /><br />M briefs the team on the Fantom's next scheme: disrupt the world summit meeting in Venice by triggering an underground explosion. The League must get there on Nemo's Nautilus, a gargantuan submarine about half the size of London. The Nautilus is later revealed to be solar powered - an unusual feature on a submarine.<br /><br />The League sets off for Venice from London. Despite the remarkable speeds that the enormous solar-powered sub is capable of, it still takes a couple days to get there. At this point any of your typical coward directors would make a jump cut to Venice and get back into the action, but not Stephen Norrington. The director of Blade knows that there is no such thing as downtime in a movie, so he uses the trip to establish the characters. And what better way to establish characters than through amateur psychology? Nemo provides some unwanted analysis on Sir Sean, comparing him to an old lion for some reason. Sir Sean offers to give Tom lessons in marksmanship and the inferiority of America, and in return Tom psychoanalyzes Sir Sean some more. Mina analyzes Dorian. Nemo analyzes Dr. Jekyll, and vice versa. Then Mr. Hyde starts talking to Dr. Jekyll and they analyze themselves. Finally the disappearance of one of Dr. Jekyll's vials turns suspicion on the Invisible Man and the movie kicks back into high gear. Dr. Jekyll accuses the Invisible Man, who promptly disappears until the third act.<br /><br />At long last the team arrives in Venice, just in time for the Fantom's explosives to detonate beneath one building. Venice begins to topple, as each tipped-over building pushes over the next in a ring of destruction emanating from the initial blast. This tragedy could have been avoided had the builders of Venice not made the foundations very weak while making the buildings themselves infinitely strong. Luckily, the Nautilus fires a missile at a key building in the path of destruction and they manage to end the dominos without too many thousands of casualties.<br /><br />It is at this point that they learn the needlessly elaborate and poorly explained attack on Venice was nothing more than a red herring. Sir Sean makes the discovery while locked in combat with the Fantom, when the mask falls off to reveal that he is really M. Back at the ship, the rest of the team is tipped off when Dorian kills a crewmember and hijacks the ship. He and M make off in the Nautilus' escape pod, and the remaining members of the League file back into the ship to determine the reason for the betrayal.<br /><br />A phonograph is left behind to provide necessary exposition and character motivation. The League is nothing more than a myth. It never existed, not even the earlier incarnations such as the characters of Jane Austen novels that defeated a ruthless opium syndicate with witty social commentary. M concocted the League to lure them together and steal the essence of their powers - blood from Mina, the potions from the Invisible Man and Dr. Jekyll, and the blueprints for the Nautilus. All seems lost. Especially when the recording reveals that a subsonic frequency embedded on the LP has armed a series of explosives in the now-flooded engine room.<br /><br />Fortune shines on the League, however, when Dr. Jekyll manages to drink his potion, become Hyde, swim into the engine room, and disarm the bombs without going into a homicidal rage and killing the rest of the crew. Then they pick up a tapping sound on the sonar, a Morse code message from the Invisible Man, stowed away in the escape pod. He gives them a rough bearing to follow and promises to meet up again in the third act.<br /><br />The Invisible Man's coordinates send the League to M's Mongolian fortress. From the looks of the flares atop the numerous towers, it also doubles as an oil refinery. The Invisible Man returns with a full reconnaissance report. The fortress is actually a highly advanced laboratory staffed by kidnapped scientists forced to make clones of the League members (at least the League members with superhuman abilities not granted by evil portraits). Even the Nautilus is being cloned 8 times over in a drydock 4 times the size of London.<br /><br />The League uses the time-honored infiltration tactic of walking up to the front gates and killing the guards. Once inside, the Invisible Man starts setting explosives throughout the complex, Mina hunts down Dorian, Nemo and Dr. Jekyll free the scientists, and Sir Sean and Tom go looking for M.<br /><br />The climax of the movie takes place under a rare three-ring action sequence. Mina challenges Dorian to a swordfight like in Highlander except each of them heal from their wounds instantaneously, until Mina finds Dorian's picture and shows it to him which for some reason causes him to age like the Nazi in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. Tom fights a crazy flamethrower guy like from Lethal Weapon 4, but since he has the Invisible Man helping him out, he doesn't require Danny Glover to dance around in his underwear to get a shot at the fuel tank. Nemo and Jekyll are attacked by a henchman who downs an entire batch of generic Hyde formula to become a cross between the Visible Steroid Man and a giant angry raspberry. He nearly kills both of them, but the explosives start going off and he gets caught in the rubble. Nemo and Jekyll give their heartfelt thanks to the Invisible Man for timing the explosives such that everyone would still be in the fortress when they started to go off.<br /><br />Meanwhile, M reveals to Sir Sean that he is in reality Professor Moriarty. That way the two of them can dispense with the silly codename business. Sir Sean chases him through what seems like a half dozen attic rooms filled with random trinkets and boxes, until he finally corners the Sherlock Holmes archvillain. Right before he can fire, Moriarty brings Sir Sean's attention to Tom, who is being held at knifepoint by one of the cloned Invisible Men. While Sir Sean kills the Other Invisible Man, Moriarty stabs Sir Sean in the chest and makes his escape through the open window. He survives the 200-foot drop thanks to wind resistance from his cape, and starts running across the frozen tundra to his escape vehicle.<br /><br />Tom grabs his rifle and runs to the window. Taking a moment to collect his breath and remember the lessons Sir Sean gave him, he quickly runs the ballistics calculations for a 1.5-mile rifle shot through a driving snowstorm, and cleans up Sherlock Holmes' mess with a single bullet. He returns to Sir Sean's side, who tells Tom with his dying breath "May this new century be yours, son, as the old one was mine," thus passing the torch of global colonial oppression from Britain to America.<br /><br />We fade to Kenya where the League stands respectfully over Sir Sean's grave. Nemo offers the Nautilus to the remaining members of the League to tour the world fighting crime without Sir Sean, carrying on like Creedence Clearwater Revisited or The Other Ones but hopefully not sucking as bad.<br /><br />I would have to say that this is the greatest movie I have ever seen.<br /></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/5220419413165636934-6648840502897424911?l=jiggscasey-movie-reviews.blogspot.com'/></div>slappyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04164998357718548360noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5220419413165636934.post-2809045609772767112008-03-12T17:51:00.003-04:002008-12-09T19:36:35.792-05:00<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/R9hRb5JSDOI/AAAAAAAAAdk/2bxoP7gtpJA/s1600-h/mrmurder.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/R9hRb5JSDOI/AAAAAAAAAdk/2bxoP7gtpJA/s400/mrmurder.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5176977311300455650" /></a><br />Starring:<br />Stephen Baldwin<br />Stephen Baldwin<br />Thomas Haden Church<br /><br />Special Appearance:<br />James Coburn<br /><div id="[0023]toggle" class="" menu="" collapse="" r="" readmorelink="" style="margin-bottom: 5px; display: inline;"><br /><a id="[0023]link" href='javascript:blockon("[0023]","[0023]link","[0023]toggle")'>Read more/less</a><br /></div><br /><div id="[0023]" class="readmore" style="padding: 0px 5px; display: none;"><br />I'm sure you've all played the icebreaker game known as Name Your Favorite Baldwin, but for me there's simply no debating it. After his breakout roles in The Usual Suspects and Bio-Dome, Stephen Baldwin has been held higher in my esteem than his more critically acclaimed brothers. Sometimes I wish all the Baldwins were Stephen Baldwins. Thus explains the appeal of the made-for-TV thriller Mr. Murder, which features Stephen Baldwin in a dual role. Veteran TV movie director Dick Lowry (Y2K, Atomic Train, Project ALF) handles this adaptation of a Dean Koontz novel.<br /><br />The opening credits fade into one of the more dank high school swimming pools in movie history. Drew Oslett Jr., the son of Oslett Technologies CEO Drew Oslett Sr., watches a young man swim some laps. Drew is played by Thomas Haden Church, or as he will be forever known - Sideways or no Sideways - Lowell from Wings. Lowell establishes himself as evil by standing in the shadows while wearing a trenchcoat. The young swimmer might be a future Olympian, but instead he is destined to become the victim of a murder designed to look like a freak shower-electrocution accident.<br /><br />The accident is staged to get a blood sample from the kid in order to clone an army of super soldiers. Why they didn't just jab him in the ass unexpectedly with a needle isn't clear, since it worked so well in Innerspace. The added layer of complexity proves problematic when on the same night, famed horror fiction writer Marty Stillwater (Stephen Baldwin, of course) finds himself in the hospital for a blood test on the same night. The two vials are mixed up during an all too common intern-juggling-test-tubes-in-a-vain-attempt-to-impress-another-intern incident, and the wrong man is cloned. One would expect that the mix-up would become very obvious, but Lowell attributes the different appearance of the prototype, named Alfie, to the extensive genetic engineering that Alfie underwent to become a more efficient killing machine.<br /><br />These changes include the following: increased endurance, increased strength, decreased time to reach maturity, docile obedience, near-instantaneous healing, and psychic abilities. Wanting to maintain an aura of scientific plausibility, Koontz supplies explanations for the more questionable genetic upgrades. The near-instantaneous healing requires a large input of food to supply the energy to regenerate damaged tissue, and does not work for head injuries. The psychic powers derive from genes believed to be associated with ESP, presumably obtained by jabbing John Edward in the ass with a needle. The John Edward gene is shown to be a success at Alfie's birth. At the exact moment the cord is cut, Stephen doubles over, feeling intense pain right in the old umbilical cord.<br /><br />In order to maintain complete control over the genetically engineered supersoldier, Lowell subjects Alfie to a rigorously controlled environment and constant psychological conditioning. Lowell is referred to as "Father," Alfie is told to "be at peace" when he becomes agitated, confused, squeamish, regretful, or exhibits any sort of emotion really. The result is that Alfie is a completely amoral killing machine that frightens everybody involved in the project. Drew Oslett Sr. (James Coburn) is so disturbed by the project that he orders it shut down. The casting of Mr. Coburn as a "special appearance" is a matter of some pride for the filmmakers, since he is a veteran of The Great Escape, The Magnificent Seven, and In Like Flint in the 1960s, and more recently, Snow Dogs. The stature and experience that Mr. Coburn carries allows him to make a significant contribution to the film despite only appearing in about four scenes.<br /><br />Lowell refuses to end the project, however, and sets up his own facilities complete with his own evil board of directors. After a handful of years, Alfie has reached full maturity and is carrying out assassinations against military strongmen around the world. In appearance Alfie is about thirtyish and is played by Stephen Baldwin in evil mode. The youth of his character, the lack of any social experience, and the constant psychological conditioning means that evil Stephen Baldwin speaks in the slow cadence of a simpleton. The conflict of good Stephen Baldwin against evil Stephen Baldwin is something like Michael McManus from Usual Suspects versus Doyle Johnson from Bio-Dome.<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/R9hRTZJSDNI/AAAAAAAAAdc/R4iQDH1kYD0/s1600-h/mrmurder-stephenbaldwins.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/R9hRTZJSDNI/AAAAAAAAAdc/R4iQDH1kYD0/s400/mrmurder-stephenbaldwins.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5176977165271567570" /></a><br />The showdown is set in motion thanks to evil Stephen Baldwin's ESP gene. It seems to be a receiver/transmitter, because both Stephen Baldwins get visions from each other's lives. Good Stephen Baldwin blacks out and sees flashes of Third World locales, and concludes that he is going insane due to a brain tumor. It is revealed that he is a hypochondriac, which sadly means that initially no one will believe him when he says that he is being pursued by his evil genetically enhanced clone. Evil Stephen Baldwin sees bits and pieces of good Stephen Baldwin's family life in a more controlled fashion, since he is the one with the ESP gene. He concludes that his lack of memories indicates that he has been kidnapped, brainwashed, and replaced with a look-alike. In a heroic rejection of his conditioning, evil Stephen Baldwin sets off to kill good Stephen Baldwin and "reclaim" his family. It's sort of like The Corsican Brothers except evil.<br /><br />The quest is aided by good Stephen Baldwin's fame as a nutjob horror writer. In addition to the hypochondria, good Stephen Baldwin owns a couple dozen pairs of the same green shirt and same blue jeans and never wears anything else. His horror titles include "Deadly by Twilight" and "Taste for Death," so presumably people won't notice when his doppelganger shows up talking like a retard. I guess it's true: you are at your best when you write what you know.<br /><br />Evil Stephen Baldwin finds a magazine article on him, kills some guy for his car after explaining politely in excruciating detail why he needs it, and drives to "his" California home. Along the way he finds the tracking device that Lowell implanted in the heel of his shoe. The shoe may seem like a poor choice of location on Lowell's part as opposed to, say, evil Stephen Baldwin's ass, but you must remember that Lowell is a huge Maxwell Smart fan.<br /><br />We cut good Stephen Baldwin alone at home making lunch before his doctor's appointment. As evil Stephen Baldwin closes in distance, the psychic connection grows stronger, similar to electromagnetic radiation. Good Stephen Baldwin is frightened by a clear vision of evil Stephen Baldwin and leaves immediately for the doctor without even touching his lunch.<br /><br />Moments later evil Stephen Baldwin breaks into the house, changes into the standard good Stephen Baldwin uniform, and proving that nothing is sacred in this chilling tale, eats half of the man's sandwich. Evil Stephen Baldwin wanders into the study and tries to write. Being retarded, he can't string together two sentences even after trying the usual cures for writer's block: a beer and putting his fist through the monitor. He looks down to the gashes on his hand just in time to watch them quickly seal up. He's pretty much Wolverine without claws.<br /><br />Good Stephen Baldwin becomes very confused when he gets home. He doesn't remember eating the sandwich, he doesn't remember busting up the monitor and getting blood everywhere, and he certainly doesn't remember having an identical twin in the house pointing a gun at him. After some quick thinking, good Stephen Baldwin turns on the stereo via remote and evil Stephen Baldwin turns around and starts shooting wildly at the speakers. Good Stephen Baldwin takes the initiative and bumrushes him. Then in a fight that covers every room in the house, good Stephen Baldwin defeats his genetically engineered trained assassin clone in hand to hand combat, knocking him over the second-floor railing onto a glass coffee table. Good Stephen Baldwin then violates the first rule of fighting a crazy lookalike, which is shoot him in the head repeatedly. Instead he walks away to call the cops and evil Stephen Baldwin scampers off.<br /><br />Having lost five pints of blood, evil Stephen Baldwin needs to replenish the lost energy and materials. He does so at a local drive-thru, after explaining in excruciating detail to the customer in front of him how his body is engineered to operate. Meanwhile, the cops are suspicious of good Stephen Baldwin's account of the struggle, since they found all that blood but no body. They believe it is all a publicity stunt with fake blood, not realizing that science has created a clone that can replace five pints of blood by eating a plate of French fries. Furthermore, they only find one set of prints on the gun, which goes to show how good the cloning process is since twins with the same DNA don't even have the same fingerprints.<br /><br />About this time news of the two or three people the evil Stephen Baldwin killed on route to California hits town, and as we now know, the fingerprints match good Stephen Baldwin perfectly. So the family goes on the run to good Stephen Baldwin's parent's isolated cabin in the woods. Evil Stephen Baldwin, in search of "his" parents, arrive at their house moments before good Stephen Baldwin leaves a message detailing where they're headed and which routes they are planning on taking just in case anyone overhearing may want to set up an ambush.<br /><br />Lowell's evil board of directors finally realizes that their super soldier looks exactly like a world-famous author. They are able to determine that the family is en route to the isolated cabin because that's just what families do in this type of movie. Lowell enters full damage control mode, and sets off for the cabin to kill good Stephen Baldwin and his family then retrieve evil Stephen Baldwin for reconditioning and possibly a shock collar implant in his ass. When James Coburn, wracked with guilt, confesses to a senator (coincidentally also a member of the evil board), Lowell dispatches the Jump to Conclusions guy from Office Space (Richard Riehle) to assassinate him.<br /><br />The FBI comes to the conclusion that good Stephen Baldwin has in fact gone insane and abducted his family to the isolated cabin, since their cases typically end up at isolated cabins. They organize a SWAT team to kill him and save the family. Harkening back to the second Golden Age of Hollywood in the 1960s, every character in the film not already dead is set on a collision course with horror and wackiness, and it warrants recognition for just how difficult it is to do both so well.<br /><br />The only thing missing from the madcap chase finale is the mistaken identity. This is handled when the family stops in for gas halfway to the isolated cabin and good Stephen Baldwin visits the bathroom around back. Following his psychic link, evil Stephen Baldwin stops and tries to find him. Good Stephen Baldwin gets out of the bathroom and runs right into Lowell who coincidentally was also stopping for gas. Good Stephen Baldwin starts talking like a retard and convinces Lowell that he is in fact evil Stephen Baldwin, and they drive off together. Evil Stephen Baldwin walks around looking for good Stephen Baldwin and instead finds good Stephen Baldwin's daughter, who drags him back to the car.<br /><br />The family notices something is wrong when evil Stephen Baldwin announces at dinner, "I'm hungry," and starts shoveling food into his mouth like a crazy person. Lowell notices something is wrong when good Stephen Baldwin forces him to crash the car, takes his gun, steals his Palm, and pistolwhips him down an embankment. His wife sneaks out of the cabin under cover of darkness with a shotgun and the kids. Good Stephen Baldwin comes up to the cabin at the same moment, but flashes his wedding ring and talks like a normal person to convince them. By now evil Stephen Baldwin has noticed the escape and grabs a handy rifle, which apparently has a really bad sight because the trained sniper misses good Stephen Baldwin with three shots at twenty yards. The family makes it into the SUV and drives off, but evil Stephen Baldwin shoots out the rear tire and they are unable to drive on a flat or it will void the lease. It is at this moment that Dean Koontz shows a great respect for movie convention by having good Stephen Baldwin yell, "We'll go hide out in the mill!"<br /><br />After a long and tense game of hide and go seek in the mill, evil Stephen Baldwin finds the girls. Good Stephen Baldwin drops down on top of him from a handy walkway and the elder daughter picks up the gun. Having seen this type of situation in film before, she asks them a question only her dad would know. Good Stephen Baldwin sees that Lowell is lurking behind the girls, and figuring him for a quicker shot than his daughter, he answers incorrectly. When she says no, Lowell shoots evil Stephen Baldwin, mistakenly thinking he is good Stephen Baldwin. He then turns the gun on the girls to tidy up, but evil Stephen Baldwin in a dash of parental instinct rises up and pushes Lowell through the wall. Evil Stephen Baldwin follows through and joins him in the five-story drop, which happens to be enough to crack his head open; his Achilles' skull if you will. Good Stephen Baldwin and the kids look out over the edge just in time to see evil Stephen Baldwin die, and then slowly but surely evaporate into nothingness. That is some damn fine genetic engineering.<br /><br />Good Stephen Baldwin is left with the Palm but doesn't know the password. He was able to see over Lowell's shoulder on the car ride up well enough to know that the password has six letters and starts with an F. And although he knows that Lowell had evil Stephen Baldwin call him "Father," he is not privy to the knowledge that the audience has about his Oedipal issues. Luckily, his six-year-old daughter is on hand to tell him the obvious answer, and he types in Father. This is why I implore all of my readers to choose alphanumeric passwords rather than words describing their deep-seated psychological problems.<br /><br />So the family decides to hightail it to Mexico and transmit the information on the Palm to the world, clearing good Stephen Baldwin's name. Concerned about the SWAT members swarming over the mill, the eldest daughter begins whistling the family theme song, "King of the Road," in an inspiring if poorly timed gesture. And in order to appease the audience's worries that with the FBI looking for the family it might be hard to sneak across the border, we fade into the epilogue showing the four of them 18 months later on a boat off the coast of Australia listening to a radio report on the top secret cloning project.<br /><br />I would have to say that this is the greatest movie I have ever seen. <br /></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/5220419413165636934-280904560977276711?l=jiggscasey-movie-reviews.blogspot.com'/></div>slappyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04164998357718548360noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5220419413165636934.post-45109206302229604452008-02-16T10:13:00.006-05:002008-12-09T19:36:36.784-05:00<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/R7b_4cPcsRI/AAAAAAAAAck/rL9g2KKPi2c/s1600-h/radicaljack.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/R7b_4cPcsRI/AAAAAAAAAck/rL9g2KKPi2c/s400/radicaljack.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5167598967572967698" /></a><br />Starring: Billy Ray Cyrus<br /><br />Plot Summary: Billy Ray Cyrus is an ex-CIA agent who must bring down the arms dealer that killed his family. Yes, that Billy Ray Cyrus.<br /><div id="[0022]toggle" class="" menu="" collapse="" r="" readmorelink="" style="margin-bottom: 5px; display: inline;"><br /><a id="[0022]link" href='javascript:blockon("[0022]","[0022]link","[0022]toggle")'>Read more/less</a><br /></div><br /><div id="[0022]" class="readmore" style="padding: 0px 5px; display: none;"><br />In between Achy Breaky Heart and his three year run as Doc Cassidy on the PAX series "Doc," Billy Ray Cyrus went to Hollywood. There he made one film: Radical Jack. In it he plays the titular Jack, former agent with the CIA and current long-haired drifter. During the opening sequence, Billy Ray viciously attacks the first three people that speak to him, indicating that he is a complicated man with a troubled past. We learn that the people are CIA agents working for Billy Ray's old commander Dex (action genre veteran Paul Schnabel). Dex tells Billy Ray that the arms dealer Riotti (Benny Nieves, previously best known as Big Guy #2 in The Devil's Advocate) is rumored to be setting up a deal in the nearby small town of Hope. Dex needs Billy Ray to track down Riotti because (a) Billy Ray is the only one to ever meet Riotti, and (b) Riotti double-crossed Billy Ray when he was working deep undercover, killing Billy Ray's wife and young daughter, thus allowing Billy Ray to seek bloody, bloody revenge.<br /><br />Billy Ray reluctantly agrees to help Dex, and after a briefing montage sets off in his Jeep for Hope. He takes a job as a bartender from the quiet, well-meaning Ollie (Brian Smiar), and starts to settle down and get a feel for the town. At the same time, we start to learn more about his character. We learn at the laundromat that he can't look at a young child without having a sepia-tinged flashback of his own daughter. We learn after a brief carpentry montage that he was a former Navy Seal in the first Gulf War. And we learn from his fluffy mullet that you can take Billy Ray Cyrus out of the early-90s country scene, but you can't take the early-90s country scene out of Billy Ray Cyrus.<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/R7cAJ8PcsTI/AAAAAAAAAc0/KZztzeDsoTo/s1600-h/radicaljack-billyanddedee.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/R7cAJ8PcsTI/AAAAAAAAAc0/KZztzeDsoTo/s400/radicaljack-billyanddedee.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5167599268220678450" /></a><br />Meanwhile, we also meet the natives of Hope, 50% of whom are evil or closely affiliated with evil. At the head is Lloyd (George "Buck" Flower, finally given a chance to play sober after multiple roles with "Drunk" or "Bum" in the character's name), gruff elder statesman of the Buckworth crime family, who is orchestrating the arms deal. His son, Rolland (Noah Blake, son of Robert), wants to take over for his father after the exchange, but in the meantime amuses himself by leading a gang of local punks and beating his girlfriend, Kate (Dedee Pfeiffer of the Pfeiffer stable of actresses). She breaks up with him in the opening sequence, and then decides to hang around the same small town as her psychotically jealous ex-boyfriend while flirting with any new man that walks into the bar where she waitresses.<br /><br />Kate throws herself at Billy Ray on his first night at work, which Billy Ray tries to use to make contact with the Buckworth crime family. Rolland obliges by starting a fight with him. As top local badass, he feels he is more than a match for a Navy Seal. The two go outside, followed by most of the adult population of Hope. Rolland and a friend try to team up on Billy Ray, but he quickly dispatches the nameless henchman. Now an ordinary film may follow this by having the villain pull a knife on the hero, but in Radical Jack, Rolland pulls a butterfly knife on Billy Ray. The butterfly knife, underutilized in film, takes the poetry of nunchuks (or for purists, nunchaku), but gives it a simple steel blade to make it less confusing and Asian. Billy Ray sends Rolland and his fancy knife packing. The town celebrates the victory, declaring Billy Ray to be the Seven Samurai, Magnificent Seven, and Three Amigos all rolled into one. Kate, proving that nothing turns on chicks more than senseless violence, immediately puts the moves on Billy Ray. Due to an unfortunate combination of Billy Ray still mourning his wife and Kate's inability to read body language, Kate makes out with Billy Ray's cheek for a good minute before sensing the awkwardness and relenting.<br /><br />In keeping with the no-nonsense philosophy of the film, the plot's third and fourth acts are crammed down our throats to allow us time to savor the thrilling climax. In approximate order, Rolland runs Kate off the road in his Hummer (the official vehicle of evil) to reconcile with/threaten violence upon her. She moves in with co-waitress Becky (Cassie Branham in the second and final film of her short but bright career) for safety, company, and to double up on the eye candy. Becky informs Kate that she once dated Rolland, broke up with him when she realized he was insane, but kept it secret under fear of violence, going to show once again that all women want their best friends dead. Billy Ray wanders right into an ambush by Rolland and a dozen of his top thugs, which proves to be just enough men to savagely beat Billy Ray within an inch of his life. Kate checks him out of the hospital to hide him from Rolland, nurse him back to health, and try to get on him one more time. Rolland breaks into the house while Kate and Becky are at work, but Billy Ray is able to crash out of bed onto the floor, grunt loudly with pain, and slide under the bed where Rolland is unable to find him. Becky shamelessly throws herself at him again, and is again shot down by the troubled, and interested, but mostly troubled Billy Ray. He is rehabilitated just in time for the arms deal with Riotti, thus setting up the thrilling climax.<br /><br />Set in an old airplane hangar, the arms are bought not with suitcases full of cash, but with a wire transfer. This more realistic exchange might have sacrificed some of the drama of the deal if not for the tense series of cellphone calls by Riotti to authorize the transfer and then by Rolland to confirm the transfer. Kate drives up to talk to Rolland, but it turns out to be a clever ruse to allow Billy Ray to sneak in and confront Riotti. Instead of carrying guns, Billy Ray holds a live grenade in each hand, threatening to take out Riotti with him, and refuting the critics who claimed Billy Ray couldn't play crazy.<br /><br />In the confusion, Rolland is finally able to summon up the Oedipal courage to shoot his father and take over the business, as well as the more run-of-the-mill misogynistic courage to take Kate hostage. Billy Ray tosses the grenades, wiping out several henchmen from both sides of the deal, then pulls out a gun, finishing off several more, including what appears to be <a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/R7b_4sPcsSI/AAAAAAAAAcs/G5DVzZiHuF8/s1600-h/radicaljack-jerrygarcia.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/R7b_4sPcsSI/AAAAAAAAAcs/G5DVzZiHuF8/s400/radicaljack-jerrygarcia.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5167598971867935010" /></a>Jerry Garcia's stunt double from The Grateful Dead Movie. Then, in flagrant contradiction to Navy Seal training, Billy Ray stands out in the open for a while so he can be shot in the shoulder by Rolland. Then Rolland savors the moment out in the open long enough to be shot in the back by Kate, which is more understandable since he's an idiot. Riotti, still hiding amongst the crates of arms, snatches Kate and holds her at knifepoint, ten feet away from a Navy Seal with a gun. Billy Ray shoots Riotti in the head, but in deference to Kate's safety, he does so without closing his eyes first.<br /><br />Dex and the CIA team storm onto the scene and inform Billy Ray that it was all a setup. Dex was behind the double-cross to cover the evidence of his crooked deals with Riotti. Now that the last links to his past have been cut, Dex orders Billy Ray and Kate executed and wanders off to revel in his evilness. Billy Ray's last request is to kiss Kate, and in the embrace he whispers that he has a gun stashed in his ass crack. She reaches down to his pants, grabs the gun, and takes out Dex's team with three shots. Billy Ray then uses himself as bait to lure Dex out into the open so Kate can finish him off too.<br /><br />Having finally killed enough people to purge the demons of his wife and daughter's deaths, Billy Ray has healed enough to see that Kate has the decency, caring, hotness, and marksmanship that he can truly love. Together they drive out of the town of Hope, knowing that they've made life safe again for the dozen or so surviving residents. I would have to say that Radical Jack is the greatest movie I have ever seen. <br /></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/5220419413165636934-4510920630222960445?l=jiggscasey-movie-reviews.blogspot.com'/></div>slappyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04164998357718548360noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5220419413165636934.post-21597551497692007242008-02-04T17:34:00.000-05:002008-12-09T19:36:36.909-05:00<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/R6eVJb_EuoI/AAAAAAAAAcU/WeD3IOoq0BM/s1600-h/freejack.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/R6eVJb_EuoI/AAAAAAAAAcU/WeD3IOoq0BM/s400/freejack.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5163259487167232642" /></a><br />Starring:<br />Emilio Estevez<br />Mick Jagger<br />Rene Russo<br />Buster Poindexter<br />Anthony Hopkins<br /><br />Plot summary: Emilio Estevez is trapped in the future and on the run from Mick Jagger. Luckily he has Buster Poindexter to protect him.<br /><div id="[0021]toggle" class="" menu="" collapse="" r="" readmorelink="" style="margin-bottom: 5px; display: inline;"><br /><a id="[0021]link" href='javascript:blockon("[0021]","[0021]link","[0021]toggle")'>Read more/less</a><br /></div><br /><div id="[0021]" class="readmore" style="padding: 0px 5px; display: none;"><br /> Ringo Starr had the Magic Christian, John Denver had Oh God! You Devil, David Bowie had Labyrinth, but as of 1991 Mick Jagger had nothing. He was so big that Don McLean was convinced he was the devil, but Mick could not land a role in a major movie. Cruelly passed over for A Clockwork Orange, Rocky Horror Picture Show, and Amadeus, Sir Mick Jagger did not even receive so much as a cameo in Jumpin' Jack Flash. But in 1992 he finally earned his star turn, coincidentally with fellow future knight Sir Anthony Hopkins. Mick shares the screen with Buster Poindexter, and it's not even a musical. Rounding out the all-star cast are the simultaneously intimidating and alluring Rene Russo and Emilio Estevez, the thinking man's Charlie Sheen.<br /><br />The premise to Freejack is that in the near future mankind has developed technology store the brains of recently deceased individuals in a supercomputer known as the Spiritual Switchboard and then download (or is it upload?) the contents of those brains into young healthy bodies, thus ensuring immortality for a price. Unfortunately, environmental decay has ruined the health of the general population, which as you may imagine promotes the development of technology to transport people from the past to supply the unsullied bodies. In order to both obtain the correct coordinates for the transfer and prevent chaos in the past, the future technicians locate people who died in spectacular and well-documented ways, and snatch them moments before their demise. As you might expect, 90% of these body donors are racecar drivers. This is bad news for Emilio Estevez's character Alex Furlong, a young F-1 racer who is doomed to be saved from a fiery death only to find himself pursued through a nightmarish futureworld by Mick Jagger.<br /><br />Geoff Murphy (veteran of Young Guns II) tackles the directorial challenge of telling a time travel story by setting up both time frames simultaneously. He alternates shots between the present-day Long Island track where Emilio is setting up for his fateful race and the future Long Island where Mick Jagger's Victor Vacendak - a "bonejacker" in the parlance of the times - is driving a heavily armored convoy to collect the body. Geoff cuts back and forth every three seconds in order to maximize audience disorientation so as to allow us to empathize with Emilio's plight.<br /><br />We are able to establish the following: Emilio's love interest Julie Redlund (Rene) and Emilio's agent Brad Carter (Buster) are waiting for his big race, and Mick is escorting an armored cleanroom filled with Mylar-bunny-suit-clad bonejackers waiting for his big crash. The two timelines converge when Emilio locks tires with another car, launching his car up into an overpass and his body into Mick's armored cleanroom. The bonejackers attempt to prepare his body for the mind transfer by wrapping him in the world's largest piece of Saran Wrap and lobotomizing him with what appears to be an arc welder, but the convoy is ambushed by a local gang armed with rocket launchers, and in the chaos Emilio is able to escape.<br /><br />On the run in a poorly lit, run down section of Manhattan wearing a blue and gold jumpsuit, Emilio finds himself in The Fugitive set in the original Batman movie at a Johnny Mnemonic technological level with a certain Escape From New York flavor. People refuse to help him, not want to risk being caught harboring a "freejack," or escaped body donor. Finally he breaks into a church where he meets a foulmouthed nun played by Amanda Plummer, who would parlay this role into Honey Bunny in Pulp Fiction three years later. She gives him non-neon-colored clothing, some food, a gun, and some needed exposition. Many of his friends are dead or missing, Rene if alive is unlisted, and only Buster can be found.<br /><br />Emilio tracks down Buster, who lives in the bad part of nightmarish future New York. He finds an older, crazier, more heavily armed man than he remembered, but it's his agent all the same. Buster takes him into his apartment and supplies more exposition. This includes the whereabouts of Rene - an executive vice president at the McCandless Corporation, which by sinister coincidence is the same company that performs the mind transfer operations. More importantly to Emilio, Buster mentions that Rene is still single. Buster also complains that he was never able to collect on Emilio's insurance. The insurance company refused to pay out Emilio's policy because no body was found, presumably over concerns that Emilio was actually transported to the future moments before death for use by a recently deceased billionaire, which was not covered in Emilio's policy.<br /><br />Buster goes on to advise Emilio to "look like him" in order to blend, but Emilio is too polite to ask for a shovel with which to beat himself in the face. Buster leads the way to a diner to grab some lunch and to turn Emilio in for the reward money. Emilio, bless his heart, is stunned to find out that his agent betrayed him for money. The cops are armed with weapons that combine the stun capability of a Taser with the look, firepower, and accuracy of the blasters used by the Empire in Star Wars. Luckily, the cops were not informed that there was an exit in the back of the diner, and Emilio eludes them in a motorcycle chase through several alleyways and buildings.<br /><br />Rene meanwhile is negotiating a business deal with the Japanese alongside fellow executive Mark Michelette, played by Jonathan Banks, the bad guy from Beverly Hills Cop, Crocodile Dundee in LA, and Flipper. In this film he is allowed to stretch from mere evil caricature to morally ambiguous slimeball. Rene concludes the deal after some bickering with Mark, and is driven home in what appears to be the car from Sleeper. She finds Emilio standing in her high security apartment, and promptly suffers a nervous breakdown. Not because her dead ex-boyfriend has resurfaced looking the same age as twenty years ago, but because she believes him to have already received the mind transfer. He convinces her of his identity by recounting events from the precredits sequence, at which point she realizes that mayhaps a fugitive walking right into a high security building is a setup. She forces him out of the building moments before Mick shows up driving a candy apple red amphibious assault vehicle that might be made by the future equivalent of the Tonka Corporation. Emilio is able to hijack an equally comical champagne truck and begins the chase sequence of the incredibly awkward vehicles. Mick hacks into the champagne truck's navigational computer and uses it to heckle Emilio via the video monitor. But thanks to the surprisingly agile handling of the champagne truck and his years of racing experience, Emilio is able to evade Mick until he is forced to jump over the side of a bridge from the truck at 60 mph. Years of experience with auto crashes helps Emilio survive the entry into the water at terminal velocity.<br /><br />Meanwhile, Mark is trying to track down Emilio as well. He drags the nun into his office and interrogates her. Unsatisfied with the details she was able to provide, he slaps her, presumably because there were no puppies on hand to eat. On her way out, the nun gives him a swift kick in the balls, which proves that no matter what the year, some things never change.<br /><br />Rene tracks down Emilio and the two build some sexual tension. Rene says no, but the swelling jazz score says yes. Ordinarily, time travel movies cause difficulties for romance, but in this case Rene is still as hot as she was 20 years ago, foreshadowing her own movie career. She calls her boss, Ian McCandless (the always pleasant Anthony Hopkins) to try and sort out the mess. Some would say that Anthony is underused in the film, but I maintain that he was good enough to let this be Emilio and Mick's picture. Anthony empathizes, but the confidentiality agreements are so strict that not even he knows the mind that has purchased Emilio's body. He advises Rene to let go of Emilio since he has no legal standing.<br /><br />At the last minute Anthony relents, offering Emilio his boat for an escape. Emilio buys it, even though Anthony still has residual evil dripping from his teeth after his role in Silence of the Lambs. Rene drops him off, but refuses to go with him. Emilio has difficulty wrapping his head around the 18-years-passing thing, but eventually gives up. Rene gives him the same good luck charm she handed him before his would-have-been-fatal car crash, and sends him to the boat, where he is promptly ambushed by Mick's bonejackers, who in turn are ambushed by a group of heavily armed winos with no clear political affiliation.<br /><br />In the confusion Emilio hides out in a warehouse and enters a deadly game of cat and mouse with Mick. Suddenly one of the winos charges Mick, but Emilio picks him off. Mick removes his helmet and asks Emilio why he saved his life. Emilio has his gun trained on Mick and begins interrogating him about who bought his body. Mick refuses to answer, and Emilio immediately gives up. Overcome by the decency of a man who came from a much, much simpler time, Mick changes his mind about the bonejacker-client privilege and reveals that Anthony himself holds the reservation for Emilio's body. Then, in gratitude for being spared by Emilio, Mick gives him a five minute headstart, covers his eyes, and begins counting Mississippis. Emilio is understandably confused that an Englishman would count Mississippis rather than something like hippopotamus, but runs offscreen before the fourth Mississippi.<br /><br />Emilio makes it outside only to find another Tonka Assault Vehicle bearing down on him. In a clever nod to the Dragnet remake from five years' prior, the hatch opens and Rene pops out. Emilio hops in, calls up Mark, and pretends to take Rene hostage. Mark promises him safe passage to his office to negotiate. Emilio buys it, but in his defense, there was no reason for him not to trust the second in command for the man who wants to steal his body at the corporation that specializes in stealing people's bodies.<br /><br />While Mick's team traces the call and begins pursuit, Emilio and Rene enter the McCandless Building and after a very tense escalator-riding sequence, find themselves facing twenty heavily armed security guards wearing bright blue jumpsuits. The future appears to be very big on primary colors. They allow him into the elevator to meet Mark, who immediately insists that they drop the "absurd pantomime." Emilio is initially stunned by the depth of Mark's vocabulary, but realizes that Mark has access to the file footage of Rene and him together at the race track.<br /><br />At this stage Mark cements his role as chief villain by launching into an exhaustive description of his role in the plot. Anthony has been dead for three days, his mind uploaded (or is it downloaded?) into the Spiritual Switchboard. He has been communicating with Rene from beyond the grave for the duration of the film, proving once again that a dead Anthony Hopkins is superior to most living actors. Mark plans on denying a new body to Anthony so that he can take over the company after Anthony's signal degrades past recoverability. He was behind the convoy attack in the first act, as well as the ambush by Team Wino. Professing no ill will towards Emilio, he asks them both to simply leave the city and never return.<br /><br />As they leave, he fires Rene. She, forgetting the twenty heavily armed security guards waiting for them in the lobby, slaps him. Emilio, also forgetting the guards, laughs at him. Mark promptly orders their death. The elevator opens to a firing squad in neon blue, but Rene and Emilio are saved by a deus ex Jagger, whose team of bonejackers surprise the guards from behind. The elevator door slams shut and forces them both up into the top floor of the building and the Spiritual Switchboard. A series of computer animations with a "2001: Space Odyssey in an office building" kind of feel takes them to Anthony, who explains in a heartfelt speech that he has always loved Rene and decided taking Emilio's body was the only way to make her love him. It's sweet in a John Hinckley Jr. sort of way.<br /><br />After messing with Emilio's head to stall for time, Mick arrives and forces Emilio onto a machine that appears to be built from a Van de Graaff generator, a giant anemometer, the shard from the Dark Crystal, and the Quantum Leap accelerator. Small bolts of lightning start firing from the machine and Anthony's mind starts to transfer to Emilio's body. A series of tight face shots of both actors are interspersed with a montage of clips from the movie, but before the process finishes, Mark storms into the room. In the confusion Rene grabs a gun and destroys the Dark Crystal shard. Mark tries to fire Mick, but Emilio stands up and claims to be Anthony. Mick decides to settle the issue by asking for Anthony's PIN, which only Mick knows. Emilio thinks and thinks and says as dramatically as possible: "6." Mick says he's right, and then tells him to continue, launching into a death game of Price is Right. Emilio gets through the numbers, Mick is convinced, and shoots Mark for attempted preemptive murder.<br /><br />We close on a shot of Emilio and Rene hopping into Anthony's company car and driving off. Mick is waiting for them at a roadblock, and informs Emilio that Anthony couldn't drive and he should be more careful. With a smile that could only be described as impish, he reveals that he lied about the PIN, which just goes to that it's not a hard choice between shooting Emilio Estevez or the bad guy from Flipper.<br /><br />As Rene and Emilio drive off into the pollution-enhanced sunset, the stirring chords of "Hit Between the Eyes" by the Scorpions take over and we fade out on a future made less nightmarish thanks to the future Sir Mick Jagger.<br /><br />I would have to say that this is the greatest movie I have ever seen.<br /></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/5220419413165636934-2159755149769200724?l=jiggscasey-movie-reviews.blogspot.com'/></div>slappyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04164998357718548360noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5220419413165636934.post-19140226461695144722008-01-20T16:05:00.000-05:002008-12-09T19:36:37.403-05:00<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/R5O5DTwd3zI/AAAAAAAAAbU/mlt_DeTT3XA/s1600-h/viewtoakill.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/R5O5DTwd3zI/AAAAAAAAAbU/mlt_DeTT3XA/s400/viewtoakill.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5157669464763653938" /></a><br />Starring:<br />Christopher Walken<br />Roger Moore<br /><br />Plot Summary: Christopher Walken is a Bond villain. I don't mean he plays one, I mean he IS one.<br /><div id="[0020]toggle" class="" menu="" collapse="" r="" readmorelink="" style="margin-bottom: 5px; display: inline;"><br /><a id="[0020]link" href='javascript:blockon("[0020]","[0020]link","[0020]toggle")'>Read more/less</a><br /></div><br /><div id="[0020]" class="readmore" style="padding: 0px 5px; display: none;"><br />Disclaimer: With all due respect to Sir Roger Moore, I can't bring myself to call him James Bond. There will be only one James Bond, and that man is George Lazenby. George brought to the role a solid reliability, almost wooden in strength, and no one else will ever compare.<br /><br />We open with Roger pulling a microchip off a corpse half-buried in a Siberian glacier. Spotted by a significant portion of the Soviet army, the getaway quickly becomes the modern biathlon of downhill skiing and automatic rifles. Just when the action threatens to get stale, Roger juryrigs a makeshift snowboard and races down the glacier to the tune of the Beach Boys' "California Girls." Twenty years later, the sequence is still as fresh and hip as it was then. Roger escapes in a camouflaged submarine piloted by one Kimberly Jones, played by former Miss World Mary Stavin. To give some sense of the depth of the Bond Girl casting for this film, the producers had a Miss World on hand just to waste on the precredits sequence. They didn't even bother with a double entendre character name. The mind boggles.<br /><br />After Roger's first sexual conquest, we are free to enjoy the credits sequence. The usual bevy of shadow-obscured naked women provide the backdrop, but for this movie they are lit entirely with blacklights wearing fluorescent paint on their hands and faces. This was intended to deflect any criticisms that Bond credits sequences are too erotic. Duran Duran provides the theme song of the same name in so as to avoid any confusion as to which decade the movie was filmed in.<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/R5O47Dwd3yI/AAAAAAAAAbM/9HUfjkI0NCY/s1600-h/viewtoakill-credits.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/R5O47Dwd3yI/AAAAAAAAAbM/9HUfjkI0NCY/s400/viewtoakill-credits.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5157669323029733154" /></a><br />Once back in England, Roger is briefed by M (Robert Brown as always) on the results of the mission. It would seem that the Soviets have obtained a copy of the UK's new EMP-proof microchip which would make them invulnerable to the casts of both Goldeneye and the Ocean's Eleven remake. They suspect Max Zorin, who in a long proud tradition of vaguely menacing Bond villains is a "leading French industrialist," champion horse breeder, and the sole survivor of a German wartime eugenics experiment to produce highly intelligent children that was cut short because of psychological problems in the subjects.<br /><br />Zorin is portrayed by the incomparable Christopher Walken (in one of his rare non-dancing roles), whose presence alone makes the film ten times better than all the Sean Connery movies combined. I'm pretty sure there wasn't a man alive in 1985 better suited to play a psychotic Nazi experimental superbaby than Christopher Walken. Embracing the villain role, he dyed his hair blonde and combed it straight back making him 30% crazier looking. He is always with May Day, the most physically intimidating henchman since Jaws. Played by Grace Jones sporting some kind of Wooly Wally hairdo that is in a different shape for each scene and could well be a wig made of modeling clay, May Day is Christopher's personal bodyguard in charge of making him look normal by comparison. The two are lovers as well, which proves once again that black or white, freaky loves freaky.<br /><br />Roger meets with a man investigating Christopher named Aubergine (played by genuine Frenchman Jean Rougerie) at a swanky Paris club whose headline act features a girl whistling while butterflies on fishing line are dangled from offstage. I suppose I could make a Jerry Lewis comment here, but I feel that is beneath me. May Day replaces one of the danglers and swings a poisoned butterfly into Aubergine's neck, presumably to make it look like a horrible butterfly show accident. Roger spots her and follows her through the back door.<br /><br />The chase goes up and down the Eiffel Tower (May Day had the presence of mind to wear her basejumping equipment), through the Paris streets (Roger jacks a taxicab and proceeds to lose the roof and back half of the car in successive collisions, but in a tribute to French engineering, is able to pilot the car on the front two wheels alone), and into the Seine, where May Day escapes to Christopher's speedboat where they share a tender maniacal laugh together.<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/R5O4zzwd3xI/AAAAAAAAAbE/zTxpdh3W_lI/s1600-h/viewtoakill-laugh.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/R5O4zzwd3xI/AAAAAAAAAbE/zTxpdh3W_lI/s400/viewtoakill-laugh.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5157669198475681554" /></a><br />In order to get closer to Christopher, Sir Godfrey provides Roger with an invitation to a horse auction on Christopher's estate. Patrick Macnee, who portrays Sir Godfrey, rose through the fictional British spy ranks during his decade-long service in the Avengers. Roger meets another of Christopher's female bodyguards, except this one is the unambiguously female Jenny Flex (played by future Indiana Jones Nazi Alison Doody). Never out of her equestrian outfit, she and Roger exchange half-hearted double entendres about riding. Surprisingly, she is the only female presence in the movie that Roger does not sleep with. Roger also meets one Stacey Sutton, played by Tanya Roberts of Sheena and Beastmaster fame, a mysterious American who receives a $5,000,000 check from Christopher for an undisclosed reason.<br /><br />As an aside, to those who think that the ideals of the Bond franchise died out in the 1960s, this places a Miss World, Conan the Barbarian sidekick, Aryan archaeologist, and a hot blonde Dr. Dolittle in the same film. You cannot deny the power of Bond.<br /><br />At this stage we finally enjoy the meeting of Roger and Christopher. The director builds suspense by making us wait through almost half of the film to finally hear the magic that is the Christopher Walken cadence, which I can only describe as Shatneresque except cool. When you combine this rhythm with the dialogue of the typical Bond villain, it should become clear why this film is so dear to my heart.<br /><br />In light of the late meeting, Roger accelerates their relationship by immediately tipping his hand regarding the assassination of Aubergine so that Christopher can start planning his murder right away. Roger follows that up by seducing May Day, which proves his bravery since he must have known there was only about a 1 in 3 chance that Roger would be the man in that encounter.<br /><br />Sir Godfrey is sent to town to contact M, but only makes it as far as the carwash before being killed by May Day, Clemenza-style from the back seat. Roger on the other hand keeps his morning meeting with Christopher, who advises him "You need a stallion" which may not look good typed out, but trust me, the intonation is worth the cost of the rental alone. He then orchestrates an attempt to kill Roger first with a test ride of a horse named Inferno hopped up on steroids and possibly LSD on a steeplechase against extras from Ben Hur, and then by the more "old-school" method of clubbing him, putting him into a car, and pushing it into a lake.<br /><br />After Roger escapes by breathing the air in the tires, he returns to HQ for recovery and we take a short break to establish the main plotline. Christopher is confronted by some Russian thugs and we learn that he is actually a rogue KGB agent. He tells off his former commanders and leaves in his company blimp for San Francisco with a consortium of European chipmakers. In exchange for somehow disposing of their competition in Silicon Valley, Christopher proposes to extort ludicrous licensing fees from them.<br /><br />Roger is able to make up the two week headstart he gave Christopher by taking an airplane. He investigates Christopher's business in the San Francisco Bay, starting with an oil rig along the Hayward Fault. The rig has been retrofitted to pump large amounts of water into the well, which only confuses Roger until he happens upon Stacey Sutton from the first act at city hall. Always the gentleman, he stalks her back to her house in the countryside and breaks in. She is initially offended and gestures menacingly at him with a shotgun, but goons from Christopher's company interrupt the moment. Roger earns her trust by killing or maiming most of them, and she reveals her role in the picture. Part owner of the oil rig, she has been fending off takeover bids from Christopher, including the five million. When Roger explains Christopher's new scheme, Stacey exclaims that it could unleash an earthquake.<br /><br />And if Christopher is worthy of the Bond villain mantle, it will be an earthquake of absurd proportions. Roger and Stacey infiltrate Christopher's other major investment in the region: an abandoned mine on the San Andreas Fault. There they find that Christopher has apparently bought all of the C-4 in the Western Hemisphere and dumped it in a few strategic points along the fault. The explosions would cleave the rock separating the Hayward Fault from the San Andreas while releasing the contents of the reservoir directly overhead into both faults, thus triggering a simultaneous double earthquake that would submerge the entire Silicon Valley under a tidal wave. This is possible because of science. Thus, as long as no one connects the nuclear-weapon-scale explosions and the gaping holes in the ground to the earthquake, Christopher will be in the clear. Even if they do, no one's going to mess with a man who has access to a semi-infinite supply of C-4.<br /><br />But just to make sure, after he sets the timer on the detonator, Christopher breaks for the exit, floods the mine with everyone still in it and laughs joyfully as he opens fire on the workers as they try and run to safety. After sunning in the brilliant evil of his plan, he makes his way to the escape blimp. Meanwhile, on the other side of the mine, Roger and Stacey have been spotted by May Day. The two find a vent shaft and Roger, proving that chivalry is not dead, barrels ahead of Stacey. She gets snagged by May Day, at which point Roger valiantly comes back for her. In the process of freeing her, he and May Day fall into the half-flooded mine at which point May Day realizes she has been abandoned to die.<br /><br />Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, but it cannot even conceive of fury like Grace Jones scorned. May Day and Roger join forces to stop the explosion. Because the system cannot be defused, they have to remove the detonator from the mine. Together they hoist the detonator onto a rail car, but May Day has to ride on the car to keep the hand brake from catching. Once she is safely outside the mine, she remains on the rail car because she is a giant nut job.<br /><br />Ordinarily Roger would stroll over to the nearest phone and call in the Air Force, or really even the RAF, to chase down Christopher and his getaway blimp. Sadly, while Stacey is wandering above ground, she manages to get abducted by Christopher, making her the first person in movie history to be snuck up on by a blimp. This forces Roger to follow them by grabbing onto the mooring rope. Christopher decides against drowning him in the Pacific, and instead crashes him and the blimp into one of the towers on the Golden Gate Bridge for a dramatic fight atop the main cable. Christopher initially has the advantage since he has a small fireman's axe and Roger only has his dry English wit, but it ends with Christopher falling from the top of the bridge. He dies as he lived: laughing maniacally. Roger for his troubles gets a commendation, a short vacation, and a chance to sleep with Sheena, Queen of the Jungle.<br /><br />I would have to say that this is the greatest movie I have ever seen.<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/R5O4qDwd3wI/AAAAAAAAAa8/QZF7KVpXDGg/s1600-h/viewtoakill-ggbridge.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/R5O4qDwd3wI/AAAAAAAAAa8/QZF7KVpXDGg/s400/viewtoakill-ggbridge.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5157669030971956994" /></a><br /></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/5220419413165636934-1914022646169514472?l=jiggscasey-movie-reviews.blogspot.com'/></div>slappyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04164998357718548360noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5220419413165636934.post-56560589959641540572008-01-13T21:57:00.000-05:002008-12-09T19:36:37.767-05:00<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/R4l_LTwd3tI/AAAAAAAAAak/kNgYtpNgiHY/s1600-h/kull.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/R4l_LTwd3tI/AAAAAAAAAak/kNgYtpNgiHY/s400/kull.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5154791080761089746" /></a><br />Starring:<br />Kevin Sorbo<br />Tia Carrere<br />Harvey Fierstein<br /><br />Plot Summary: Arnold Schwarzenegger is back, and this time he's Kevin Sorbo!<br /><div id="[0019]toggle" class"menu collapse r readmorelink" style="margin-bottom: 5px; display: inline;"><br /><a id="[0019]link" href='javascript:blockon("[0019]","[0019]link","[0019]toggle")'>Read more/less</a><br /></div><br /><div id="[0019]" class="readmore" style="display: none; padding: 0px 5px;"><br />The late 1990s are remembered today as the Age of the Scantily Clad Medieval Warrior. Hercules and Xena dominated the cable television landscape, and the big screen created a household name in Kull the Conqueror. John Nicolella of Miami Vice and Melrose Place fame directs a broadsword-and-hard-rock fusion piece that would someday claim A Knight's Tale in its heritage.<br /><br />Kevin Sorbo, in between Hercules and Andromeda, stars as the title character Kull, an axe-wielding barbarian. We open on a vast battle featuring flaming torches and nondescript heavy metal music. It seems to be a half-naked Sorbo single-handedly fighting a small army, but we quickly learn that Sorbo is in fact trying to prove himself worthy to join the Royal Guard of Valusia. Apparently the kingdom holds an open tryout day. General Taligaro, played by a Thomas Ian Griffith best known for being the bad guy in Karate Kid III, accepts Sorbo's application and hands him a sword - the only weapon worthy of the Royal Guard.<br /><br />Almost immediately a messenger arrives at the battle arena to give word that the king has gone full-tilt wacko and has been slaughtering the heirs to the throne. Sorbo joins the rush to the palace, and eventually fatally wounds the king, portrayed by Sven-Ole Thorsen, who holds the honor of appearing in no fewer than eleven Arnold Schwarzenegger films. King Nutjob I, fulfilling an ancient Valusian prophecy that whoever puts the sword in the king shall be king, gives the crown to Sorbo.<br /><br />This legally-binding transfer of power displeases the two heirs that survived the massacre, General Taligaro and Ducalon, a weasely nobleman played by noted weasely actor Douglas Henshall. They pledge loyalty to the King Sorbo, then hurry off to plan his death. An assassination attempt fails at the coronation when their would-be assassin begins his war cry way too early considering he was rushing at King Sorbo with a sword.<br /><br />Meanwhile, King Sorbo recognizes a former fortune-teller in his harem, the lovely and talented Zareta, played by the oddly-accented Karina Lombard. She reads his fortune for him and then resists his advances with passive-aggressive boredom. King Sorbo for his part tries to explain that he wants his women to be willing while trying to force himself on her. The uncomfortably awkward romantic scene ends with Zareta storming off and King Sorbo left with no companionship except the other twenty harem girls.<br /><br />Frustrated by Zareta, King Sorbo tries to free the slaves of the kingdom and establish freedom of worship. Before he is able to implement a minimum wage and independent judiciary, the high priests explain to King Sorbo that all laws in Valusia are etched into a giant bronze slab in the palace, and he is not allowed to change any of them. Shackled by the limitations of constitutional monarchy, King Sorbo nonetheless is able to convince Zareta of his noble intentions, and she agrees to assist him in the court.<br /><br />After the failed assassination attempt, and presumably after they rule out any attempts using bows and arrows, Taligaro and Ducalon, the Mutt and Jeff of palace intrigue, meet the wizard Enaros (Princess Caraboo veteran Edward Tudor-Pole). Enaros, hideously scarred and blind in one eye due to about half a pound of fleshtone putty, is the keeper of an ancient temple containing the remains of Akivasha, the evil sorceress queen now dead for 3000 years. The three plot to reawaken Akivasha to wrest control of the throne from King Sorbo.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/R4l_DTwd3sI/AAAAAAAAAac/3qCOWzSDD_E/s1600-h/kull-tia.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/R4l_DTwd3sI/AAAAAAAAAac/3qCOWzSDD_E/s400/kull-tia.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5154790943322136258" /></a>With the assistance of his apelike henchman that seems to be the grown-up Cha-Ka from Land of the Lost, Enaros casts a spell that changes Akivasha from the Cryptkeeper to a slightly stoned, redheaded Tia Carrere. Passed off as Ducalon's niece at the palace, we learn that the court doesn't keep track of the royal bloodlines too closely and/or Ducalon's family has a history of yellow fever. Tia uses some form of seduction magic, and cleavage, on King Sorbo, and they are married in the next scene.<br /><br />At the reception, King Sorbo asks a massively bitter Zareta to read their fortune. Sadly, this does not lead to a catfight; instead Tia pushes her to the floor and storms off with King Sorbo in tow. Zareta's brother, a young priest named Ascalante, helps her up, and in the process notices a birthmark on Tia's leg. An evil birthmark. <a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/R4l-0zwd3rI/AAAAAAAAAaU/WSV4TPqAhYI/s1600-h/kull-litefoot.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/R4l-0zwd3rI/AAAAAAAAAaU/WSV4TPqAhYI/s400/kull-litefoot.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5154790694214033074" /></a>Ascalante is played by Litefoot, a Cherokee who can boast both a Mortal Kombat 2 credit and an uncanny resemblance to Steven Seagal.<br /><br />In the bridal suite, Tia kills King Sorbo with some form of poison, magic, or poison magic kiss, then blames it on Zareta, who is promptly arrested. But in a shocking twist, we learn that King Sorbo wasn't killed after all, rather locked away in a dungeon at Enaros's temple. Tia gives seducing him another shot, since, hey, he's Kevin Sorbo. When this fails she leaves him in the custody of Enaros. Enaros leaves him in the custody of the semi-retarded apelike henchman. The semi-retarded apelike henchman, having no one to leave in charge, decides instead to let King Sorbo kill him and escape.<br /><br />On his way out of the temple King Sorbo encounters Ascalante, who provides the backstory. Tia cannot be harmed by conventional weapons, and can only be sent back to hell with Vulca's breath, which can only be obtained on the Isle of Ice. First, the two plot a rescue of Zareta that relies heavily on King Sorbo running through town without anyone recognizing him. An electric guitar riff signals the beginning of the melee, and soon the two have Zareta in tow and are making their escape through a temple. Taligaro's guards stand them down, cueing another guitar-intensive battle scene. Ascalante refuses the sword offered by King Sorbo, instead grabbing a couple torches off the wall. Informing King Sorbo that as a priest, he cannot take a man's life, Ascalante proceeds to set half of the palace guards on fire.<br /><br />After their escape, the three meet the sleazy merchant Juba, played by Harvey Fierstein in a rare turn as a homosexual. Harvey owes King Sorbo a favor, since King Sorbo was once used as slave labor on the oars of Harvey's ship and King Sorbo hasn't killed him yet. King Sorbo commandeers the fastest ship and sets off for the Isle of Ice with Harvey as hostage and comic relief. During the evening feast, King Sorbo forces Harvey to taste the food and drink first, fearing poison or roofies.<br /><br />In a shocking twist, the wine is drugged after all. King Sorbo and company awaken tied up at the oars in a cruel irony, with Harvey mocking them. Unfortunately for Harvey, King Sorbo is so enraged he tears up the plank he was tied down to and rushes him. Even more unfortunately, none of the dozen guards on the ship are anywhere near them, nor in any rush to help out. King Sorbo has time to toss Harvey over the side, free the oarsmen, and enjoy a brief tender moment with Zareta before he dispatches the guards. Triumphant, the crew raises the sails for the Isle of Ice.<br /><br />Docking inside a cave, King Sorbo, Zareta, and Ascalante reach the altar of Vulca. The room is filled with frozen heroes, because coming within a certain distance of the altar causes people to instantly freeze. Luckily, this effect also can be seen in steel, and King Sorbo is able to stay away. Zareta determines from an inscription on the wall that only a woman may approach the altar and receive the breath. Why she first must strip naked, I don't know.<br /><br />After receiving the breath, Taligaro appears and reveals his plot to kidnap Zareta, use her to kill Tia, and then take the throne. A gripping power chord signals the beginning of a duel between King Sorbo and Taligaro. The fight ends as Taligaro kills Ascalante, abducts Zareta, and chops out a load-bearing stalactite on his way out, trapping King Sorbo in the cave-in. King Sorbo responds by grabbing an axe from one of the frozen warriors and attacking the altar of Vulca, which also doubles as the reservoir for the island. Water rushes into the room, and not only does King Sorbo not drown, but he is washed out safely to the boat.<br /><br />Although every last man was slaughtered on his boat, King Sorbo manages to maneuver the craft home closely behind Taligaro. Back in Valusia, Ducalon complains to the 3000-year old evil sorceress that she is not treating him fairly, so Tia kills him. Taligaro arrives with Zareta, finally delivering the long-anticipated catfight. Tia throws Zareta to the floor and undergoes some form of mystical transformation into something that looks related to the evil aliens from Howard the Duck. King Sorbo arrives with his trusty axe and takes out Enaros and Taligaro. A mortally wounded Zareta kisses him, imparting Vulca's breath which apparently can now be carried by a man. King Sorbo kisses what are approximately Tia's lips, and destroys her once and for all, leaving him the only living thing in the temple.<br /><br />Except Zareta, who recovered when the spirit of pure ice left her lungs. And Taligaro, who promptly takes her hostage. Sadly, Taligaro does not account for the powers of true love, which include unspoken communication. Like, "You should duck because I'm about to throw my axe at his head." After Zareta gets a chance to rinse some of the blood from her clothing, King Sorbo proposes. It is immediately vetoed by the priests as being against the code of the Legal Slab.<br /><br />King Sorbo responds by swinging his axe into the fifteen-foot high, six-inch thick bronze tablet, which crumbles, symbolizing both that his reforms are inevitable, and that he is truly badass. Holding the axe aloft, he shouts, "With this axe, I rule!" which is something like martial law, except it hurts more. The movie fades out with the kind of raucous cheering you can only get from a crowd of people who don't want to take a battleaxe to the face.<br /><br />I would have to say that this is the greatest movie I have ever seen.<br /></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/5220419413165636934-5656058995964154057?l=jiggscasey-movie-reviews.blogspot.com'/></div>slappyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04164998357718548360noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5220419413165636934.post-6071212015024056772008-01-12T13:59:00.000-05:002008-12-09T19:36:39.143-05:00<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/R4kPiTwd3lI/AAAAAAAAAZk/ugrVpoNafWU/s1600-h/one.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/R4kPiTwd3lI/AAAAAAAAAZk/ugrVpoNafWU/s400/one.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5154668330595769938" /></a><br />Starring: Jet Li<br /><br />Plot Summary: It's like the Matrix but more.<br /><br /><div id="[0018]toggle" class="" menu="" collapse="" r="" readmorelink="" style="margin-bottom: 5px; display: inline;"><br /><a id="[0018]link" href='javascript:blockon("[0018]","[0018]link","[0018]toggle")'>Read more/less</a><br /></div><br /><div id="[0018]" class="readmore" style="padding: 0px 5px; display: none;"><br />Some might call The One a cynical retread of The Matrix just because it's a dark scifi movie about a man, trying to become The One, decked out in tight black clothing, who speaks in the slow, deliberate cadence of a non-native English speaker. However, once you give it a chance, you realize that in addition to the fact that one Jet Li is worth about three and a half Keanu Reeveses, The One so much more than just The Matrix. It manages to take the best aspects from The Matrix, Highlander, and the TV show Sliders.<br /><br />The premise of The One hinges on the concept of parallel universes, a physics concept first theorized by Star Trek. There exists not only the single universe we live in, rather a series of 125 parallel universes, or a "multi-verse" if you will. In each universe in the "multi-verse" there exists a version of you, who is almost identical to you except having a minor variation of your name. In our universe, Jet Li plays Gabe Law, an officer with the LAPD. In another universe, Jet Li plays Gabriel Yulaw, an ex-officer with the Multi-Verse Authorities (MVA), who is evil.<br /><br />Well, technically Evil Jet Li has only recently become evil. He is a native of the one universe that mastered transport between universes within the "multi-verse." It involves wormholes and CGI effects from the Lawnmower Man. He worked for the MVA regulating travel between universes, sort of like Timecop except using a really fancy PDA. Two years ago in another universe, Evil Jet Li had to kill Random Other Jet Li in self defense. As predicted by Star Trek, this tore the hell out of the space-time continuum. The energy linking all the Jet Lis in the universe was disrupted, and the power (and in all likelihood chi) of Random Other Jet Li was distributed evenly among the 124 Surviving Jet Lis. They all became stronger, faster, and smarter.<br /><br />The discovery of this Highlander Corollary to the Star Trek Theorem turned Evil Jet Li evil, and he quit the force to pursue a full-time career of killing all the other Surviving Jet Lis in order to become The One. The One would either be a "god" or a "singularity" destroying the entire "multi-verse." Evil Jet Li pretends not to care either way, but seems to be hoping for the first one. <a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/R4kP0jwd3mI/AAAAAAAAAZs/0pQYuzSAV6w/s1600-h/one-delroy.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/R4kP0jwd3mI/AAAAAAAAAZs/0pQYuzSAV6w/s400/one-delroy.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5154668644128382562" /></a>His former partner, Roedecker (played by Delroy Lindo, who had previously collaborated with Jet on the loving tribute to Oakland, CA, that was Romeo Must Die) now pursues him across the "multi-verse" to prevent him from becoming The One. Not with much success, though, since as of the opening sequence Evil Jet Li has dispatched 122 of the 123 Surviving Jet Lis, leaving only him and Good Jet Li (in our universe) alive, each with the combined strength of their fallen brethren. This complicates the apprehension of Evil Jet Li, because now killing Evil Jet Li will just make Good Jet Li into The One.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/R4kQFTwd3nI/AAAAAAAAAZ0/iXdGSgkHvbw/s1600-h/one-statham.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/R4kQFTwd3nI/AAAAAAAAAZ0/iXdGSgkHvbw/s400/one-statham.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5154668931891191410" /></a>Roedecker and his rookie partner Funsch, played by Transporter star Jason Statham, pursue Evil Jet Li into our universe with orders to arrest and exile him to the Hades Universe, apparently an entire parallel universe sealed off and converted to a giant prison (which offers an enticing sequel prospect: Kurt Russell in Escape From Hades Universe). Failing that, they must simultaneously kill both Evil Jet Li and Good Jet Li, to prevent either of them from becoming a god and/or destroying the "multi-verse."<br /><br />The two find Evil Jet Li just in time to foil his assassination attempt, and then explain the situation to an understandably confused Good Jet Li. They vow to protect him, failing to mention the "killing him" aspect of Plan B. Roedecker and Funsch then agree to split up and trail Evil and Good Jet Li, respectively. Thus begins the gripping race for the first major character death between the smartmouth rookie and the sole black man in an action movie.<br /><br />The black guy wins, indicating that Roedecker must've held the "four days to retirement" tiebreaker. Roedecker confronts Evil Jet Li, loses his gun, and proceeds to fight him unarmed. It is just as the ancient general and essayist Sun Tzu said: "That's what you get." In this case, that's what you get for challenging a man with the strength of sixty two and a half Jet Lis in hand-to-hand combat.<br /><br />Thankfully, the action choreography takes a firm stand against subtlety and nuance. People paid good money to watch superhuman Jet Lis battle for the universe. There can be no "over the top." The only thing better than Jet Li picking up a police motorcycle and using it as a blunt weapon is Jet Li swinging a police motorcycle in each hand. In a similar vein, the use of slow motion made popular by The Matrix is perfected in The One. When Evil Jet Li flings a cop through midair, the film speed slows to a crawl, allowing us to watch the super-fast Jet sprint over and kick his ass on the way down. This is the gift that The One gave to Hollywood: What was once mere hyperbole is now movie reality.<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/R4kQTTwd3oI/AAAAAAAAAZ8/5tQLMM5I91M/s1600-h/one-dukes.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/R4kQTTwd3oI/AAAAAAAAAZ8/5tQLMM5I91M/s400/one-dukes.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5154669172409360002" /></a><br />But seeing Evil Jet Li fling motor vehicles through the air, travel through wormholes, and kill dozens of innocent bystanders isn't really why we watch this movie. We watch this movie to see Evil Jet Li fight Good Jet Li, preferably in a building with a maddeningly intricate floorplan of catwalks and staircases and filled with large, explosion-prone equipment. Thankfully, that is exactly what we get in the wonderfully scripted finale. Granted, there are some people who would say that the first hour of the film is nothing but a drawn out prelude to this fight scene, but this neglects the ten-minute sequence where the two Jet Lis practice their contrasting forms of wushu. This chops up the plot development into two easy-to-digest half-hour segments.<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/R4kQczwd3pI/AAAAAAAAAaE/TFH_8CwFyMY/s1600-h/one-flyingjetlis.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/R4kQczwd3pI/AAAAAAAAAaE/TFH_8CwFyMY/s400/one-flyingjetlis.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5154669335618117266" /></a><br />Evil Jet Li sets the finale into motion by killing Good Jet Li's wife, thus establishing conflict beyond the trying to kill Good Jet Li and dominate/destroy the "multi-verse" thing. As a result Good Jet Li is driven into a suicidal rage and all-consuming desire for revenge, both of which, as hero, he is required to have. Thus they meet in a large factory with three stories of catwalks and twelve-inch pipes holding a mysterious green liquid, which according to Hollywood bylaws must be acid. The two Jet Lis fight at length, denting, rupturing, and detonating various sections of the plant.<br /><br />Safety Note: Although at first the plant appears deserted, five minutes into the fight a generator is damaged and the foreman runs out to evacuate everyone. This indicates that "flying superhuman Chinese wushu masters fighting to the death" needs to be added to the list of emergency procedures.<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/R4kSvDwd3qI/AAAAAAAAAaM/ec9WYJpDn7U/s1600-h/one-emergencyprocedures.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/R4kSvDwd3qI/AAAAAAAAAaM/ec9WYJpDn7U/s400/one-emergencyprocedures.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5154671848173985442" /></a><br />Even though the two Jet Lis have the exact same strength and ability, the fight ends in a deadlock. Funsch springs into action with his wormhole-opening PDA, flinging all three of them into Funsch and Evil Jet Li's universe. After a brief misunderstanding when the sworn protectors of the "multi-verse" accidentally drag Good Jet Li off for exile because Evil Jet Li tells them to, they square it away and exile Evil Jet Li to the Hades Universe.<br /><br />The Agency then tries to send Good Jet Li back to our universe for a life on the run from the cops, but Funsch intervenes and quickly changes the coordinates to a universe where Good Jet Li is a free man, the parallel version of his wife is still alive, there's no smog in L.A., and presumably people walk around town handing out free cotton candy. As the "multi-verse"-crossed lovers meet again for the first time, we fade out, content in the knowledge that Good Jet Li's life will be back on track right after he clears up the legal red tape in that universe surrounding his previous murder of himself by himself.<br /><br />I would have to say that The One is the greatest movie I have ever seen. <br /></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/5220419413165636934-607121201502405677?l=jiggscasey-movie-reviews.blogspot.com'/></div>slappyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04164998357718548360noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5220419413165636934.post-37108192443313033592007-12-28T14:13:00.000-05:002008-12-09T19:36:40.536-05:00<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/R3VM0jwd3jI/AAAAAAAAAZU/yA-4aAT9OKQ/s1600-h/fatalerror.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/R3VM0jwd3jI/AAAAAAAAAZU/yA-4aAT9OKQ/s400/fatalerror.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5149106214803463730" /></a><br />Starring:<br />Janine Turner<br />Robert Wagner<br /><br />Plot Summary: Computer virus goes on a killing spree.<br /><div id="[0017]toggle" class="" menu="" collapse="" r="" readmorelink="" style="margin-bottom: 5px; display: inline;"><br /><a id="[0017]link" href='javascript:blockon("[0017]","[0017]link","[0017]toggle")'>Read more/less</a><br /></div><br /><div id="[0017]" class="readmore" style="padding: 0px 5px; display: none;"><br /> Science fiction is the art of asking "What if?" In the case of the small-screen gem Fatal Error, the question is "What if a computer virus evolved to the point that it could transmit itself to human beings and kill them?" One might respond to this question "Of course not. How stupid is that? That's downright retarded. No. No way." Not director Armand Mastroianni, though, who instead weaves that question into a taut thriller that forces us to reexamine the role of digital cable in our lives.<br /><br />We open on a corporate teleconference in the city of Seattle, as played by Vancouver. As the long late night meeting is getting underway, everyone is killed in a freak case of spontaneous human calcification. Now everyone has been in a meeting or two during which you prayed for the sweet release of death, but human calcification is not the way to go. First, it seems quite painful by the way the executives were writhing and screaming. Second, it must be very confusing, since your final thoughts on this earth are, "Hey, where is all this calcium coming from?"<br /><br />The janitor on duty sees the room full of writhing executives slowly and painfully turning to chalk, and is understandably driven bat-shit insane. He wanders, disoriented, out onto the street in the early Canadian dawn. Here he is met by our hero, <a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/R3VMrTwd3iI/AAAAAAAAAZM/cA4SLJ8pvCw/s1600-h/fatalerror-intense.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/R3VMrTwd3iI/AAAAAAAAAZM/cA4SLJ8pvCw/s400/fatalerror-intense.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5149106055889673762" /></a>Nick Baldwin (played by Melrose Place veteran Antonio Sabato Jr.), a brilliant paramedic who doesn't play by the rules. Formerly a brilliant doctor, he lost his license because he didn't play by the rules. Now he operates an ambulance and proves his dedication to saving lives by illegally practicing medicine without a license at the drop of a hat.<br /><br />He meets and is quickly ushered off the scene by Dr. Samantha Carter, played by Janine Turner (Maggie O'Connell of Northern Exposure Fame, here with longer, redder hair and 30% more spunk). She leads a crack Army team that is expert in biological outbreaks but very bad at crowd control, as Nick is able to just follow them into their base of operations. After refusing to leave O'Connell's side for nearly an hour, she is worn down by his rebellious charms and drafts him on her team.<br /><br />Despite being outfitted with all the state-of-the-art biohazard lab equipment, including a computer that can take any known virus and simulate a billion years of evolution to try and match it to the known samples (it appears to be a Pentium), the crack Army team has nothing. The virus strikes, turns the entire body to chalk, and then vanishes. The only upside is that Nick and O'Connell can walk around the lab without bunny suits.<br /><br />It's not until the computer operator mysteriously dies of the deadly chalk disease within a sealed room and Nick has had a few drinks in the hotel bar that the pieces come together. All of the cases involved people watching a beta release of a cable/internet/telecom package. <a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/R3VMfjwd3hI/AAAAAAAAAZE/y9U2z-AxY1Q/s1600-h/fatalerror-hal.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/R3VMfjwd3hI/AAAAAAAAAZE/y9U2z-AxY1Q/s400/fatalerror-hal.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5149105854026210834" /></a>No one believes Nick's theory that computers can give people viral diseases by flashing complicated subliminal graphics, FOX News notwithstanding, until they notice the large and gratuitous HAL 9000 red eye atop each cable unit. The director even suggests through red-filtered fish-eye shots that the cable unit can actually see its victims through the lens, although we're not sure how accounting let them slip a camera and evil artificial intelligence into the budget for a digital cable box.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/R3VMSTwd3gI/AAAAAAAAAY8/3CnZEG-nd1Y/s1600-h/fatalerror-robertwagner.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/R3VMSTwd3gI/AAAAAAAAAY8/3CnZEG-nd1Y/s400/fatalerror-robertwagner.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5149105626392944130" /></a>Further proof that the technology is behind the deaths comes in the form of Robert Wagner playing the Digicron CEO, Albert Teal. It is refreshing to see that the successes as Number Two in the Austin Powers franchise didn't make him too big for a small art house project like Fatal Error. Robert delivers the role with a cutthroat menace, like Bill Gates with a handsome sleaze. <a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/R3VMLDwd3fI/AAAAAAAAAY0/_PH44JuFIIA/s1600-h/fatalerror-corpse.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/R3VMLDwd3fI/AAAAAAAAAY0/_PH44JuFIIA/s400/fatalerror-corpse.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5149105501838892530" /></a>He is pushing for a timely release of the telecom package and isn't going to hold up the billion-dollar project just because it will unleash a plague that will destroy every human being who wants 500 channels, no matter what an unlicensed doctor has theorized in a hotel bar.<br /><br />At this point the director reveals a series of cunning plot twists using the time-honored technique of having the villain explain how and why he did everything. Ace computer programmer and new VP Ned Henderson (played by David Lewis, who despite all indications is not the illegitimate son of Ed Begley, Jr.) has a conversation with a former executive and explains that he was charged with writing a virus that would destroy all of this former executive's code. Ned went one step further and designed the virus so it could mutate and kill the user by violating the laws of physics and/or biology. A series of flashbacks shows us that Ned was able to code the deadly virus in safety by wearing welding goggles. The protective lenses were able to filter out the virus using science.<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/R3VL9Dwd3eI/AAAAAAAAAYs/rXnZedxYbhI/s1600-h/fatalerror-goggles.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/R3VL9Dwd3eI/AAAAAAAAAYs/rXnZedxYbhI/s400/fatalerror-goggles.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5149105261320723938" /></a><br />Ned's dream of turning a digital cable system into a tool of wholesale slaughter makes sense thanks to some just-in-the-nick-of-time character development where we discover that a combination of paternal disapproval and a Stanford education has led to a desire to destroy all of mankind through the medium of combined cable television/internet services. Having thus clarified the horror of the picture to the former executive, Ned kills him by strapping him down in front of his computer.<br /><br />Once the team determines that Ned is the evil genius and Robert Wagner merely a fetching red herring, O'Connell decides to charge solo into Ned's basement, much like in Silence of the Lambs except Jodie Foster had a gun. O'Connell is promptly caught from behind. <a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/R3VLszwd3dI/AAAAAAAAAYk/hnZLzyMH3Sc/s1600-h/fatalerror-trapped.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/R3VLszwd3dI/AAAAAAAAAYk/hnZLzyMH3Sc/s400/fatalerror-trapped.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5149104982147849682" /></a>Ned duct tapes her into a chair in front of the computer, thus ensuring her death the moment she opens her eyes. Secure in the knowledge that she has to open her eyes sooner or later, Ned wanders off. Luckily, Nick rescues her just in time before the computer notices that her eyes are closed and starts beating her to death with the mouse.<br /><br />At the grand unveiling of the technology that would eat Seattle/Vancouver, Nick chases down Ned deep into the cable internet headquarters. Meanwhile, O'Connell is able to convince Robert that his technology is flawed after the teleprompter tries to kill him. Nick finds the control center, which apparently was built on the site of a 1950s physics lab. Using nothing more than an oscilloscope and a handy puddle of water, Nick is able to knock out the digital cable system and kill Ned, thus closing the circle of life and saving the world from consolidated telecommunications packages.<br /><br />I would have to say that Fatal Error is the greatest movie I have ever seen. <br /></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/5220419413165636934-3710819244331303359?l=jiggscasey-movie-reviews.blogspot.com'/></div>slappyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04164998357718548360noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5220419413165636934.post-71605192446210652032007-12-23T13:00:00.000-05:002008-12-09T19:36:41.520-05:00<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/R26kuTwd3YI/AAAAAAAAAX8/dzBHmybWR2I/s1600-h/exitwounds.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/R26kuTwd3YI/AAAAAAAAAX8/dzBHmybWR2I/s400/exitwounds.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5147232539615550850" /></a><br />Starring:<br />Steven Seagal<br />DMX<br />Tom Arnold<br /><br />Plot Summary: <br /><div id="[0016]toggle" class="" menu="" collapse="" r="" readmorelink="" style="margin-bottom: 5px; display: inline;"><br /><a id="[0016]link" href='javascript:blockon("[0016]","[0016]link","[0016]toggle")'>Read more/less</a><br /></div><br /><div id="[0016]" class="readmore" style="padding: 0px 5px; display: none;"><br />A young rapper with aspirations of becoming a rapper/actor must hitch his wagon to a proven box office star. For DMX in 2001, Steven Seagal was that star. They combine for Exit Wounds, Hollywood's long awaited Detroit martial arts cop thriller fusion masterpiece.<br /><br />We open on a stump speech by the Vice President on gun control. The people of Detroit promptly try to kill him. Specifically, the VP's convoy is ambushed on a bridge by a militia group using a fake police escort, a yellow delivery van, and a red helicopter with a smiley face painted on the side. Throw in some very advanced-looking explosives and a whole lot of machine guns, and you have the biggest budget assassination attempt ever. It just can't fail. Except they haven't accounted for one man: Steven Seagal. The Secret Service closes off the bridge, but they haven't accounted for Steven Seagal either. The delivery van driver/assassin definitely doesn't account for Seagal, and is shot for his troubles. Seagal steals the van, runs over half of the militia members, and shoots the rest, in a coy nod to the growing popularity of the Grand Theft Auto franchise. To ensure the safety of the Vice President, Seagal throws him over the bridge, despite protests that he couldn't swim and was several stories above the water.<br /><br />After saving the VP and making the world safe for gun control, we would think that Seagal would return to fanfare and medals. Instead, he is dressed down just because he "disobeyed federal orders" and "threw the Vice President of the United States off a bridge." Seagal may be a loose cannon that doesn't play by the rules, but you can't argue with the results. You can however, transfer him to the 15th precinct, a violent and corrupt hellhole even by Detroit standards.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/R26k-jwd3aI/AAAAAAAAAYM/z6ROU3Azk1I/s1600-h/exitwounds-tomarnold.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/R26k-jwd3aI/AAAAAAAAAYM/z6ROU3Azk1I/s400/exitwounds-tomarnold.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5147232818788425122" /></a>Even worse, Seagal is sent to anger therapy. You'd think that nothing kills momentum like group therapy, but that's before you discover that group includes Tom Arnold. After destroying the desk he was wedged in as part of a brilliant anger-therapy-outburst-irony/Seagal-fat exacta, Seagal leaves to find a gang of five punks breaking into his truck. He promptly flattens the five heavily armed youths with his bare hands, as is his custom, and turns around to the realization that the anger group has named him their king. Especially enthralled is Tom, whose character I'm sure had a name, and he gushes of Seagal's strength and bravery in a scene with rather impressive homosexual tension. And I've seen Jackass.<br /><br />Meanwhile, we meet DMX as Latrell Walker, visiting Shaun Rollins, played by Drag-On, in the county jail. In one of the best prison scenes involving two actors with silly names, we learn that Mr. X (possibly Mr. MX, I am not sure what DMX stands for) is on the "outside," taking care of everything for his brother. Assisting Mr. X is his overweight comic sidekick TK, played by Anthony Anderson, notable not only for having a real name, but also for playing the overweight comic sidekick in the 2003 Outback adventure Kangaroo Jack.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/R26lIDwd3bI/AAAAAAAAAYU/Qwp-fMwY0qE/s1600-h/exitwounds-anderson.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/R26lIDwd3bI/AAAAAAAAAYU/Qwp-fMwY0qE/s400/exitwounds-anderson.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5147232981997182386" /></a>We next see TK outside an office building in the middle of the night holding a pair of binoculars. However, instead of the predictable comic peeping tom scene, he is keeping an eye on Mr. MX who is making a heroin deal. Seagal happens to be driving around the area, and decides to savagely beat TK on suspicion of being a black man holding binoculars after midnight. TK responds by shouting out a string of pop-culture references on the top police brutality stories of 2001, which some may argue dates the film, but I say joking about racially-motivated police brutality is timeless. Following standard operating procedures, Seagal handcuffs TK to the grill of his truck and wanders off to check out the drug deal.<br /><br />Seagal breaks up the drug deal with ruthless efficiency, except for letting Mr. X escape. Unfortunately, it was an undercover drug deal, and Detective Montini promises to have Seagal busted down to directing traffic. This begs the question, if off-duty cops aren't allowed to charge blindly into dangerous situations without calling for backup or telling anyone, how do they expect to fight crime? To make matters worse, TK tears off the grill with his bare hands, thus ruining both Seagal's truck and any chance of a promotional tie-in with Ford.<br /><br />Matching a soundtrack to the action on screen is a lost art. In recent years the soundtrack has become just another heartless way to make money off a film. At least that's what I thought until I saw a long montage of Steven Seagal directing traffic to James Brown's "I Feel Good."<br /><br />Getting back to the plot, a well-trained team breaks into the evidence locker to steal fifty kilos of heroin. Johnny-on-the-Spot Seagal is visiting the hall of records in the same building, so he beats SWAT onto the scene. After saving the janitor, Seagal is rewarded with a new beat and a new partner George (Ghost Ship's Isaiah Washington).<br /><br />Having regained his job for several hours, Seagal decides to rip shit up at Mr. X's business front, a dance club headed by TK. The booty shaking is interrupted by a gripping, if not entirely explained, fight between Seagal and the bouncers. While they beat each other with surprisingly deadly objects decorating the club, TK screams encouraging nonsense at his goons. However, three goons armed with iron chains and fluorescent lights are no match for a master of the deadly arts, and Seagal has soon broken into the main office so he can rummage around. George waits outside so he doesn't have to commit any felonies.<br /><br />The illegal search and seizure leads to Mr. MX's name. The always savvy Seagal, knowing that judges tend to get hung up on legal technicalities like search warrants, takes the name to an incognito Tom Arnold in a strip club. In one of the better Tom-Arnold-receiving-a-lap-dance sequences I've seen, we learn that although he is a morning talk show host, he has deep connections to the local private eye community. We also learn that with a big fake mustache and low lighting, Tom Arnold looks a lot like Cheech Marin. Makes you think.<br /><br />The dirt that Tom digs up is this: Mr. DMX's brother was arrested for heroin possession under sketchy circumstances, but is the beneficiary of a huge trust fund established by Mr. X. This money comes from Mr. MX's fortune as an "Internet start-up billionaire," but neither Tom nor Seagal believe this because (a) Mr. DMX is black, and (b) his name is an acronym. So they conclude the more plausible version that Mr. DMX invented the Ebay of heroin.<br /><br />At this point director Andrzej Bartkowiak, hip-hop/action crossover specialist, lets us know that it was a bunch of crooked cops who pulled off the drug heist. Specifically, it was every cop in the 15th except Seagal and his partner George. The cops let Seagal know by grabbing him off the street and driving off in an unmarked van. They threaten him with a large syringe, presumably because the van is a rental and if they shoot him and mess up the van they'll get in trouble. Seagal asks if the syringe is "to make me talk?" and Montini responds, "No, it's to make you die." Much like Goldfinger, this exchange was written to reassure the audience that Seagal is not actually in any danger. Despite being handcuffed to the inside wall of the van, Seagal is able to force the syringe of liquid death into the driver, savagely beat the three other cops, free himself from the handcuffs, and jump clear from the van before the now very dead driver crashes and burns.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/R26lITwd3cI/AAAAAAAAAYc/PkFoyLJCzBg/s1600-h/exitwounds-beatingass.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/R26lITwd3cI/AAAAAAAAAYc/PkFoyLJCzBg/s400/exitwounds-beatingass.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5147232986292149698" /></a>Feeling confident, Seagal confronts Mr. DMX, and we finally reach the pinnacle the movie has been building towards: Steven Seagal beating the crap out of a rapper half his age. As Seagal has decades and decades more practice, things look bleak for Mr. MX, until he abruptly stops fighting and invites Seagal into his apartment building. Showing once again that politeness wins over even the most psychotic cops, Seagal agrees and is shown that Mr. DMX is not a heroin dealer as was assumed. He really is just a typical useless Internet billionaire. The only difference is that he amuses himself in his retirement by exposing the corruption of the establishment. Incidentally, that's also printed on most of Mr. DMX's album liners. He is surrounded by a crack team of high tech surveillance experts, including TK and a sorely underutilized Eva Mendes. The culmination of the sting, the purchase of the stolen heroin from the cops for $5 million the next night, will be the greatest episode of Punk'd ever. Seagal offers backup.<br /><br />The cops have developed the most innovative smuggling operation in movie history. They have taken control of a t-shirt factory, and invented a process in which each shirt is soaked in a dilute solution of heroin and sealed in plastic. All Mr. X will have to do is wash, separate, and purify the heroin stains from a few million t-shirts. I find it surprising that the DEA allowed the film to suggest this method to the drug community, but I guess this is just one of those sacrifices of public safety for the sake of art.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/R26kuTwd3ZI/AAAAAAAAAYE/yW7bUzOC37M/s1600-h/exitwounds-motorcycle.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/R26kuTwd3ZI/AAAAAAAAAYE/yW7bUzOC37M/s400/exitwounds-motorcycle.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5147232539615550866" /></a>The gripping finale involves gun play, kickboxing, George coming in with what seems to be the National Guard as backup, TK getting shot in the leg (surprisingly, not by Seagal), some very convincing bluescreen shots of Seagal on a motorcycle, and a fire sprinkler scene with Mr. MX symbolic of both his baptismal cleansing and his being very hot.<br /><br />Mr. DMX delivers the evidence to the Chief of Police (played by Bill Duke, veteran of both Commando and Predator). Although it will not result in any investigation since every cop in Detroit besides Seagal and George has been killed, it does clear his brother.<br /><br />Then we see what separates Exit Wounds from your run of the mill action film. The director takes the time to wrap up all the loose ends, and as TK is being lifted into a waiting ambulance, he spots Tom (soon to be a first-ballot inductee to the overweight comic sidekick Hall of Fame) and exclaims his love for Tom and his show. Tom offers to do TK's surgery live, and one jump cut later, we find the two have become co-hosts. At long last, Tom Arnold has found a partner he can share a highly ambiguous relationship. The credits roll as they joke, and laugh, and tease, and fall in love.<br /><br />I would have to say that Exit Wounds if the greatest movie I have ever seen.<br /></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/5220419413165636934-7160519244621065203?l=jiggscasey-movie-reviews.blogspot.com'/></div>slappyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04164998357718548360noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5220419413165636934.post-17321505984820914082007-12-08T11:31:00.000-05:002008-12-09T19:36:42.411-05:00<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/R1rIBwffZAI/AAAAAAAAAXc/_sX1hKr_bXY/s1600-h/johnnymnemonic.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/R1rIBwffZAI/AAAAAAAAAXc/_sX1hKr_bXY/s400/johnnymnemonic.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5141641857119249410" /></a><br />Starring:<br />Keanu Reeves<br />Ice-T<br />"Beat" Takeshi<br />Dolph Lundgren<br /><br />Plot Summary: Can Ice-T keep Keanu's brain from melting in this dystopian sci-fi thriller?<br /><div id="[0015]toggle" class="" menu="" collapse="" r="" readmorelink="" style="margin-bottom: 5px; display: inline;"><br /><a id="[0015]link" href='javascript:blockon("[0015]","[0015]link","[0015]toggle")'>Read more/less</a><br /></div><br /><div id="[0015]" class="readmore" style="padding: 0px 5px; display: none;"><br /> It is the second decade of the 21st Century. Any movie that starts out like that, well, you know it's not going to be a musical. Most of the scenery will be futuristic, and by futuristic I mean dark grey. There will be very little sunlight and very little good news. Sure enough, we open on a world where bio-mechanical implants augment human strength, speed, and intelligence, but also cause a disease known as Nerve Attenuation Syndrome (NAS) to run rampant throughout the globe, not to mention completely ruining the Olympics. Corporations like the drug-maker PharmaCom have aligned with the yakuza crime syndicates as part of a massive paradigm shift towards more killing of people, and are locked in constant battle with a vigilante movement known as the LoTeks, essentially modern-day Luddites in hipper outfits.<br /><br />And in this futuristic dystopia, Keanu Reeves is Johnny, a mnemonic courier that smuggles data in his brain implant. Just a simple boy from the big city, Keanu travels the globe, staying in luxurious suites at five-star hotels with expensive champagne and even more expensive hookers as he tries to scrape together enough money to afford an operation to remove the implant, recover his memories, and get out of the harsh, unforgiving business. His reptilian agent Ralphie (pardon me, Ralfi, and I'm sure there's an accent or an umlaut or something) offers him one last job that could get him out of those penthouses for good and back to the farm, or something.<br /><br />Despite the fact that Rälfí speaks with a thick German accent and in such a hoarse whisper that he can't possibly not be evil, Keanu trusts him. He leaves his Beijing hotel and wades through a throng of Chinese protesters, all wearing white dust masks. Apparently, even in a futuristic dystopia, Asians are still hypochondriacs.<br /><br />To max out his storage capacity at 160 GB, Keanu transfers his childhood memories and three-quarters of his personality to some kind of futuristic Zip drive. Personally, I would have erased all memory of puberty instead, but perhaps Keanu didn't have awkward years. Damn good-looking bastard.<br /><br />We meet Keanu's clients, a bunch of geeky former PharmaCom researchers who immediately start warning him that they have 320 GB of data and if he doesn't have sufficient capacity he will suffer synaptic seepage as the data overloads his neurons, resulting in death within 48 hours. Keanu, clearly overwhelmed by all the talk of neural physiology and numbers that are bigger than other numbers, brushes the nerds off and prepares the data transfer.<br /><br />Keanu uploads the sensitive data from the 3-inch optical disc into his brain. This form of transport is necessary because apparently due to a Great Disaster in the Past, the technology of pockets and briefcases were lost forever. It also seems to be impossible for Keanu to duct-tape the CD to his ass, but the creative element behind the film refrains from overtelling the story.<br /><br />As is often the case, before the geeks can fax the encryption code to the delivery point, the PharmaCom yakuza attack. Along with the usual large, martial-arts-proficient, gun-toting men, the crew is headed by the one known as Shinji. Shinji is armed with the traditional "glowing red wire of death," a whip made out of plasma or evil or something that he pulls out of an artificial thumb and can cut just through just about any material known to man. He is a grandmaster of this weapon, meaning he can use it without slicing his own arm off. The yakuza dispatch the nerds with deceptive efficiency, since they allow Keanu, the real target, to fight them off armed with nothing but a towel rod from the bathroom.<br /><br />Meanwhile the yakuza president of PharmaCom, Takahashi, tries to determine what to do about this breach of security, or more precisely, who should sever, freeze, and return Keanu's head for data recovery. Played by Beat Takeshi, (known for his stylized-violence Japanese epics including Violent Cop and Violent Topiary Gardener) he can even look menacing when sitting cross-legged on a desk talking into a videophone. He does this while hiring the assassin known as the Street Preacher, played by Dolph Lundgren, the thinking man's Arnold Schwarzenegger. He has the spirituality of Pat Robertson, the brawn of Dolph Lundgren, and the violent psychosis of Pat Robertson.<br /><br />Keanu is able to evade his yakuza killers and make it to the drop-off point in the urban wasteland that is Newark, New Jersey. This goes to show that even in a futuristic dystopia, Jersey jokes are still gold. However, Keanu is in a bad position. Not only is he on the run with a potentially fatal overdose of raw data in his head without the encryption code needed to extract it, he is consumed by a need to try to negotiate with the corporate gangsters that are trying to kill him. About the only thing that could help would be to find a hot female bodyguard, preferably one wearing nothing but black tights and a chain mail shirt.<br /><br />Enter Jane, played by Dina Meyer, better known as the actress in Starship Troopers that agreed to the nude scenes. She finds Keanu right after he is recaptured by Shinji, and in exchange for ten grand, agrees to save his life and develop sexual tension. Once safe, Jane promptly suffers a seizure - the dreaded Black Shakes, which is "street" for NAS. So Keanu hauls her twitching, yet somehow still a little alluring, body to her "doctor," a man named Spider.<br /><br />Dr. Spider, played by punk rocker, music producer, and ranting machine Henry Rollins, occupies a warehouse that looks a lot like Dr. Frankenstein's lab except dirtier. He starts to treat Jane but decides to first explode into a freestyle rant in Keanu's general direction about how the Black Shakes are not actually caused by the myriad bio-electronic implants in people, but by information overload from too much technology, possibly orchestrated by The Man. And if anyone is going to know the secret cause of NAS, it's some guy named Spider. Keanu is understandably confused, since he never expected the global epidemic of the century to be the result of CNN and FoxNews and their damned tickers.<br /><br />After taking a look at Keanu's condition, Dr. Spider decides to drive him to a hospital in his Mad Max issue garbage truck. At Newark's Our Lady of Festering Decay, Dr. Spider is a respected surgeon, inasmuch as he gets to wear a white labcoat and carry around a clipboard. He then reveals the contents of Johnny's data: a cure for NAS. All the medical underground has been able to come up with is how to merely treat the symptoms. Well, that or not implanting shit inside their brains in the first place, but a cure would be a lot more convenient. And if Keanu would just submit to a routine power-tool lobotomy, then the world would have that cure.<br /><br />This movie presents one of the classic scruples questions: would you save humanity if it meant having Henry Rollins perform brain surgery on you with a hacksaw and a melon baller? In one of Keanu's less heroic moments, he declines, not wanting to risk his emotional range or ability to enunciate. Before they can discuss alternatives, Dolph plows onto the screen. Dr. Spider tells Jane and Keanu to run to J-Bone and talk to Jones, while he holds off Dolph, and by hold off I mean get brutally beaten and tortured by.<br /><br />Keanu and Jane seek out J-Bone, but not before Keanu tries once again to negotiate with PharmaCom. Keanu is not one to hold multiple assassination attempts against someone, and perhaps I'm just a jaded old film critic, but I find that refreshing. It's also all too easy to understand, as Keanu realizes this is about the only way he and Takeshi will be able to do a scene together. So Keanu tells the yakuza drug-makers to meet him at the LoTek Secret Headquarters, giving them directions and some tips on how best to assault the compound.<br /><br />There is a slight delay at the LoTek Secret Headquarters when due to a cultural misunderstanding, the LoTeks drop a flaming Volkswagen bug on Dr. Spider's garbage truck, a typical example of futuristic Jersey humor. Keanu then is greeted by J-Bone, played by the beyond-hip Ice-T. He sports a frizzy 80s layered look not seen since Lea Thompson in the 1986 epic Howard the Duck, and yet still looks like a badass. Remarkable.<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/R1rHywffY_I/AAAAAAAAAXU/SmKDOAlZIaE/s1600-h/johnnymnemonic-icelea.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/R1rHywffY_I/AAAAAAAAAXU/SmKDOAlZIaE/s400/johnnymnemonic-icelea.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5141641599421211634" /></a><br />Despite calling Keanu a "suit" in the same tone of voice that he would use for "honkey," Ice-T seems to take quite a shine to Keanu, in that he doesn't kill him. He even takes Keanu over to meet Jones, the Six Million Dollar Dolphin. Surgically enhanced, from the looks of it with a chainsaw, and trained to hack enemy computers through submarine hulls, Jones offers to hack Keanu's brain to retrieve the cure for NAS with a much lower chance of the lobotomy side-effect. Spotting an obvious upgrade from Henry Rollins, Keanu goes with the dolphin.<br /><br />It is at this inopportune moment that the yakuza decide to attack the LoTek Secret Headquarters with bazookas and automatic rifles. The LoTeks are armed with crossbows. Incidentally, this is also why the yakuza work in pristine high-rises and the LoTeks live underneath a bridge on the outskirts of Newark. The brain hack is interrupted because everyone in the movie shows up to kill Keanu. Even people who wanted to kill Keanu in other movies show up. First Shinji comes after Keanu with his glowing red wire of death, then Dolph rumbles in, presumably after torturing Dr. Spider into revealing where Keanu was going, and then torturing pedestrians in Newark for directions. Keanu is able to dispatch them in sufficiently ironic fashion, and then confronts Takeshi.<br /><br />Now, some directors would be concerned about working with an actor like Takeshi, whose English is not so good. Luckily, Takeshi has Keanu to lean on. Their long-awaited scene begins with a standoff where Takeshi takes a few slashes at Keanu with his katana, but his heart clearly isn't in it. Takeshi hands over the encryption code, as he and Keanu communicate their mutual weariness and desire for a peaceful resolution using surprisingly little dialogue.<br /><br />The encryption code is not quite complete, meaning Keanu must still hack his brain. This is incredibly difficult, as the data is chock full of viruses, and more importantly, because computer hacking sequences are notoriously difficult to film in an entertaining manner. Incidentally, this is why hacking was combined with oral sex in the 2001 opus Swordfish. Director Robert Longo flexes his directing muscles when he renders the hacking sequence in state-of-the-art computer graphics, where Keanu transforms himself into the Slim Jim guy in order to confuse the viruses, portrayed by laser cannons from a Nintendo game. Keanu is able to break the encryption (which was apparently based on the first level of Contra), releasing the cure for NAS and giving the world the best animated self-brain-hacking sequence in movie history. Ice-T immediately begins broadcasting the 320 GB of data on all channels satisfied that someone, somewhere out there is TiVo-ing it.<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/R1rIWwffZCI/AAAAAAAAAXs/PORwhNIwiHg/s1600-h/johnnymnemonic-keanuslimjim.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/R1rIWwffZCI/AAAAAAAAAXs/PORwhNIwiHg/s400/johnnymnemonic-keanuslimjim.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5141642217896502306" /></a><br />Thus having made the futuristic dystopia safe for love, freedom, and bio-mechanical manipulations that are an affront to god and man, Keanu falls into the arms of Jane as an approving Ice-T looks on. I would have to say that this is the greatest movie I have ever seen. <br /></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/5220419413165636934-1732150598482091408?l=jiggscasey-movie-reviews.blogspot.com'/></div>slappyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04164998357718548360noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5220419413165636934.post-78226254755836958742007-12-01T16:57:00.000-05:002008-12-09T19:36:42.601-05:00<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/R1HZoM4DdbI/AAAAAAAAAXM/pnYfNurQAPE/s1600-R/glimmerman.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/R1HZoM4DdbI/AAAAAAAAAXM/TfNByepknvo/s400/glimmerman.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5139127934480774578" /></a><br />Starring:<br />Steven Seagal<br />Keenen Ivory Wayans<br /><br />Plot summary: Steven and Keenan Ivory are together again for the first time.<br /><div id="[0014]toggle" class="" menu="" collapse="" r="" readmorelink="" style="margin-bottom: 5px; display: inline;"><br /><a id="[0014]link" href='javascript:blockon("[0014]","[0014]link","[0014]toggle")'>Read more/less</a><br /></div><br /><div id="[0014]" class="readmore" style="padding: 0px 5px; display: none;"><br /> I am often accused of being a sentimental man, old-fashioned to a fault. I admit it, as clichéd as it may sound, my favorite movie is still "Them!" I miss the days when Steven Seagal weighed less than 300 pounds and Keenen Ivory Wayans had a career. So to be transported back to 1996 when all that were true is a film experience not to be passed up.<br /><br />Steven Seagal is Jack Cole, a New York cop who has atoned for his shady past by adopting a New Age outlook. He is a Buddhist, an ass-whomping Buddhist, but a Buddhist nonetheless. The first we see of him, he is wearing a multi-toned gold lamé Mandarin jacket designed by MC Escher, looking like a kung fu pimp. He moves to L.A. and meets Keenen Ivory Wayans as Jim Campbell, in a rare break from directing his brothers' films.<br /><br />It's New York-Los Angeles, black-white, East-West, martial arts-guns, funny-unfunny, it's every character conflict ever faced by two partners. Keenen brings to the table his uncanny comic timing that made him the best thing on In Living Color after Damon Wayans, Jim Carrey, Tommy Davidson, David Alan Grier, T'Keyah 'Crystal' Keymáh, and SW1. Seagal brings his martial arts and the uncanny ability to communicate any emotion using a series of pained winces.<br /><br />Seagal and Keenen are assigned to solving the "Family Man" serial killings, marked by the shooting and mutilations of entire households at a time. Since this would make for a pretty heavy movie, Seagal instead does everything but investigate the killings. First he intervenes in a hostage situation at a Catholic school involving future Fast and Furious star Johnny Strong as Johnny Deverell, troubled young man with gun. His mental issues are understandable since he has just lost his girlfriend Millie, played by the absurdly endowed WB star Nikki Cox. At 18. In a Catholic schoolgirl uniform. Seagal saves Johnny before the SWAT team arrives by tackling him through a plate glass window, leaving us all to think, "We had better see Millie again later in this movie."<br /><br />Operating without orders on another department's turf and potentially causing the death of the suspect, himself, students, nun, and sweet, sweet Millie may be grounds for discipline against the average cop, but not Seagal. His most notable case in New York was another serial killer case with an ironic nickname, and when he was trying to apprehend the suspect without backup, he had to shoot him to death to bring him in. Seagal is, in a sense, Dirty Harry with fewer facial expressions.<br /><br />Johnny's father Frank Deverell (played by Shawshank Redemption warden Bob Gunton) is the richest man in town, and as per buddy cop movie regulations, is therefore evil. He offers Seagal a bribe to get his son off the hook, which of course is turned down. This is the cue for the evil mastermind to overreact in a patently insane manner. Deverell comes through nicely by ordering five of his Russian mobster friends to set up an ambush for Seagal. Russian mobsters is widely feared and heavily armed, but have two fatal weaknesses. They have very large, obvious tattoos on their arms and tend to stand way too close to people they plan on shooting. This allows Seagal to disarm all five of them with one slash of his credit card, which would inspire Jackie Chan to choreograph fight scenes using ordinary objects, except Chan prefers ordinary objects that are somewhat plausible as weapons.<br /><br />Despite the best efforts of Seagal to distract us from the plot, the director (John Gray, in the midst of the difficult made-for-TV movie to real movie to made-for-TV movie transition) reminds us of it. The Family Man strikes again, killing Seagal's ex-wife and new husband. Coincidentally, these Family Man killings started soon after the arrival of Seagal in L.A., and share some similarities to the rash of New York killings that Seagal was investigating. Forensics even finds a latent fingerprint on the corpse, left by Seagal. There can only be one logical conclusion: Seagal is the victim of an intricate conspiracy in which an assassin, possibly CIA or ex-CIA, is performing copycat crimes of local serial killers and has a synthetic fingerprint of Seagal's, probably identical in design to the one James Bond used in Diamonds are Forever, all in order to frame and discredit him.<br /><br />And just as you suspect, there is a CIA conspiracy, headed by Brian Cox as Mr. Smith, a man so mysterious we never figure out his first name. Brian Cox has the distinction, from the 1986 movie Manhunter, of playing Dr. Hannibal Lecter before it was cool. Mr. Smith is involved in a small business partnership with Deverell smuggling chemical weapons out of Russia, but admirably, doesn't let that put a damper on his positive life outlook. Whether he's ordering the death of someone who knows too much or just finalizing the deal to cause unspeakable horror for a profit, in every scene he's enjoying a nice meal or lounging by a swimming pool. If not for the fact that he's clearly supposed to be evil, you'd never know it.<br /><br />Seagal gets a lead on the Family Man killer. Well, not so much a lead as the actual suspect Christopher Maynard, played by Stephen Tobolowsky, the future Sammy Jankis in Memento. He arranges a meeting in a church to tell Seagal that some of the killings were not done by him, perhaps as part of an intricate conspiracy involving some CIA or ex-CIA agents. It is a very tense scene, with Christopher holding a gun on Seagal. Seagal, using a time-honored police negotiation tactic, slowly pulls his gun out of his back pocket, and shoots Christopher in the face.<br /><br />A victim of the new LAPD no-tolerance policy for homicides, Seagal is suspended, on the verge of being arrested, and has the Russian mob out to get him. He has to find out the truth the only way he knows how: by savagely beating every CIA spook in LA. Luckily, they all hang out in one obscure Chinese restaurant. Seagal confronts Mr. Smith and we learn that he used to work for Mr. Smith, which is why he has no personal records of any kind before the NYPD. It would probably be less suspicious to create some false records rather than just destroying everything before age 25, but I am not learned in national security.<br /><br />It is often said that Seagal shines so bright it is hard for another star to share the screen with him. And for the first half of the film, you have to fear that Keenen's talents will be wasted. But just when you think he's going to pull a Danny Glover, Keenen starts doing stuff. Granted, it's more a matter of people doing stuff to him, but it's still action. Deverell, not doing so well at the elimination of Seagal, sends a man to kill Keenen in his apartment. As is usually the case when a hit man is sent to someone's apartment, it turns into a fistfight, ending with Keenen driving off the assailant. While he's still lying on the ground, Keenen sees that the gas line to his stove has been cut, and a spark is tracing its way back to the source. Displaying reflexes that didn't even show in his seminal work I'm Gonna Git You Sucka, he is able to scramble to his feet and beat the fireball in the 40-yard dash out of his home.<br /><br />Not to be outdone, Seagal takes the next assassination attempt scene. In it, Internal Affairs comes to arrest him, but in reality they are Russian mobsters. We discover this when one mobster's sleeve slides up his arm a quarter of an inch, revealing the enormous Russian mobster tattoo. Sadly, Russian mafia bylaws state that everyone must have the enormous Russian mobster tattoo, even those doing undercover work. Seagal fights with the driver long enough to cause the car to hit a ramp bought at the Dukes of Hazzard fire sale and flip over onto the roof. Luckily, Seagal is very tough, so he is able to recover from rolling in a car without a seat belt quick enough to kick out the back window and slide out before the car hits a gas tanker truck.<br /><br />On a side note, if I am ever fortunate enough to star in a buddy cop movie, the first thing I'm going to do is clear all the tanker trucks out of the city. They're nothing but trouble.<br /><br />There is finally a break in the case that doesn't directly implicate Seagal, so they follow it up to find Johnny as the movie turns full circle. Which is a good thing, because full circle also brings us back to Millie for a precious few moments. What comes next are a few scenes with neither incredible action scenes nor beautiful WB stars, but do serve to connect the Russian mob, the Family Man killings, and global warming back to Deverell and Mr. Smith. First Keenen and Seagal kidnap Mr. Smith and interrogate him by shooting him in the foot, after which Mr. Smith says to Seagal, "God, I miss you." See, you just can't help but admire that positivity. The interrogation fills in all the gaps in the plot, which frees up Seagal and Keenen to make arrangements for the final showdown with Deverell's gang at a local apartment building.<br /><br />The final sequence is a little confusing, so here are the highlights. Seagal and Keenen go after Deverell's top henchman Donald (John Jackson, proving in this role that no matter what kind of violent badass you are, the name Donald just isn't threatening). Seagal charges blindly into a room full of heavily armed men with nothing but the knowledge that he is impervious to bullets. Donald survives the shootout and runs off. Keenen promptly gets shot by Donald and falls out of the fourth story window. Seagal looks down from the roof and sees Keenen dangling from a ledge. Thankfully, someone in the apartment building stores their rock climbing gear up there so Seagal is able to harness himself and repel down a cable to save him. Seagal crashes through a window on the third floor, tosses Keenen in, and proceeds to final showdown on the ground floor. Donald pulls a gun on Seagal, as though this somehow gives him an advantage. Seagal easily slaps the gun pointed at his face out of Donald's hand, setting up a final fistfight that is a loving tribute to the training scenes in Karate Kid. Following standard Seagal operating procedures, he throws the suspect out the window to save the city the troublesome expenses of arrest, trial, and incarceration.<br /><br />After this triumph of what could arguably be called justice, Keenen is lifted into an ambulance, happy that at least he didn't die in the first ten minutes. The credits roll, and we learn Seagal produced this film. Actually, Seagal has produced about three quarters of the films he's starred in, kind of like the Ross Perot or Steve Forbes of the film industry. Truly a Renaissance man.<br /><br />I would have to say that this is the greatest movie I have ever seen. <br /></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/5220419413165636934-7822625475583695874?l=jiggscasey-movie-reviews.blogspot.com'/></div>slappyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04164998357718548360noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5220419413165636934.post-45655324598895454672007-11-18T17:20:00.000-05:002008-12-09T19:36:42.803-05:00<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/R0C7loMOM8I/AAAAAAAAAWk/_FibaQ8gOvc/s1600-h/fivecardstud.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/R0C7loMOM8I/AAAAAAAAAWk/_FibaQ8gOvc/s400/fivecardstud.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5134309830320600002" /></a><br />Starring:<br />Dean Martin<br />Robert Mitchum<br />Roddy McDowell<br /><br />Plot Summary: Dino is a professional poker player in the Old West. Can he outwit, outshoot, or outcool Robert Mitchum? Of course he can, he's Dino.<br /><div id="[0013]toggle" class"menu collapse r readmorelink" style="margin-bottom: 5px; display: inline;"><br /><a id="[0013]link" href='javascript:blockon("[0013]","[0013]link","[0013]toggle")'>Read more/less</a><br /></div><br /><div id="[0013]" class="readmore" style="display: none; padding: 0px 5px;"><br />As the credits flash across the western desert landscape, the title theme song is sung by the star, Dean Martin. The crooner's voice is so full-bodied it takes over your brain and you miss all the details of who directed, produced, or did make-up (Henry Hathaway, Joseph Hazen, and Adelbert Acevedo). Dean Martin was such a smooth singer his voice had a nice ass.<br /><br />We open, predictably, on a five card stud game in the town of Rincon, with the incomparable Dean Martin (as professional gambler Van Morgan) dealing. Sitting to his left in the one seat is Roddy McDowell fresh off his defining performance as Cornelius in Planet of the Apes (as the young and irritating Nick Evers). Also in the game are five extras. Dino passes the deal and goes to the bathroom, which is always a mistake. Any student of the Old West knows that the moment you turn your back on a poker game, the new guy will be caught cheating and the rest of the table will form a lynch mob.<br /><br />Dino comes out to find the saloon cleared. The bartender, a pre-Mr.-Big-in-Live-and-Let-Die Yaphet Kotto (as the ironically named Little George), informs Dino that they're off lynching the new guy. Dino rushes off to try to stop the madness, leaving Little George to pilfer the cash on the table. He arrives at the bridge just in time to be of no use whatsoever. Roddy McDowell (on second thought, we'll just call him Cornelius since that's what the rest of the world does) has assumed the lead of the mob. Cornelius then pistolwhips Dino from behind and sends him back into town slumped over his horse like Shane.<br /><br />If there's one thing old Dino learned out on the road with Sinatra and the rest of the Rat Pack, it's that drinking and gambling is all fun and games until the new guy gets hanged. Then it's time to skip town and find a new game. He goes out to Evers' Ranch to say goodbye to his love interest Nora (played by a Katherine Justice twenty-odd years his junior), sister of Cornelius and daughter of Sig Evers. The elder rancher is played by Denver Pyle (Uncle Jesse of The Dukes of Hazzard fame), who apparently was born looking 75 years old and made a career as the crusty caretaker of a beautiful young brunette.<br /><br />Dino makes it to Denver and has enough time to play about three hands of poker before Little George shows up to bring the bad news. Shopkeeper Fred Carson was found drowned in a barrel of flour in his own store, and ranch hand Stony Burrow was found strangled with barbed wire out on Evers' Ranch. They were both in on the poker game/lynch mob and Little George fears their killer may come after Dino next. Given this threat from an unknown maniac and the fact that he wanted to leave Rincon, the logical thing for Dino to do is return to face death, thus setting into motion the ultimate prequel: I Know What You Did 130 Summers Ago.<br /><br />Upon his arrival in Rincon, Dino checks back into his room above the saloon. He unpacks his framed poker hand, showing the king, queen, jack, and ten of diamonds. Little George comments on the famous hand, and wonders aloud what the hole card was. Was it the ace of diamonds? Did he have the royal flush? Dino says the other guy folded, and puts it away. He finds a few things have changed in town. There's a new preacher in town, Reverend Jonathan Rudd, played by Robert Mitchum. In case the fact that he's Robert Mitchum wasn't threatening enough, he carries around a gun and shoots up bars to encourage attendance to the Sunday sermon.<br /><br />But let's get back to that poker hand. If the other guy folded, he still had some money left. Poker games don't end with a fold, they end when someone loses the last of their money. This means Dino must have stopped the game, had the hand framed, discarded the rest of the deck, and started up again fresh with a new deck. That is balls above and beyond the call of duty.<br /><br />Businesses are also springing up in the gold-rush town of Rincon. Dino steps into a barbershop for a shave and finds Lily Langford (played by the very blonde and very Swedish Inger Stevens, former star of The Farmer's Daughter) running the place, and a host of beautiful young women employed as barbers. After he gets cleaned up, he notices that in addition to the one-dollar shave and two-and-a-half-dollar haircut, there is a twenty-dollar "miscellaneous." That is a damn good barbershop.<br /><br />Dino does a little investigating for an hour or two, and then heads right back to the combination barbershop/whorehouse. Realizing that he is Dean Martin, he seduces the madame Lily instead of settling for one of the dime-a-dozen barber/whores. For the rest of the picture he alternates days with her and with Nora, since as twice the man anyone else is, he should have twice the women any other man has.<br /><br />Afterwards, Dino and Bob Mitchum see each other on the street. Usually, two strangers crossing paths in the middle of the night would probably not even result in eye contact. With two alpha males like Dino and Bob, it immediately becomes a showdown. But before they can figure out what they're having a showdown over, they hear the churchbell ringing. This not being standard operating procedure at 3 in the morning, the two rush in to discover Mace Jones hanged on the cord. Now that three members of the poker game have been killed, Dino really only has to wait until everyone else dies to figure out who the killer is by process of elimination.<br /><br />At Mace's funeral, Cornelius and Joe Hurley, the two other survivors of the five card stud game, confront Dino. Little George stands by Dino, and for his troubles gets accused of being the murderer by Cornelius. Cornelius then picks a fight, but not being a fool, he picks it with Dino, not Little George. He hits Dino in the face with a shovel, a potted plant and a cross ripped from a nearby grave, and still manages to lose the fight. It's a scene that really makes you wonder what that hole card was.<br /><br />Joe Hurley, despite being the last surviving extra in the poker game, commits a classic rookie mistake by turning his back on the camera in an attempt to relight a lantern in his barn. The killer of course takes this opportunity to sneak up from behind and strangle him, dumping him in the trough. Dino gives chase to the man in black, but can't quite catch him. See, if the hole card was an ace, nine, or a diamond, that would make a straight or flush and enough to win. But maybe he only had a king high. You can't help but think that the hole card will reveal a lot about Dino's soul.<br /><br />Since Cornelius is the only survivor of the card game besides Dino, and he's evil, we are forced to conclude that he is behind all of this. However, since he is also the biggest candyass in the West, he must have some help. We learn the answer when we cut to Bob leaving flowers on the tomb of the unknown card cheat. Cornelius meets him there, and we discover that he's been feeding names of the lynch mob to Bob one by one so Bob can avenge the death of his brother, the cheat.<br /><br />Cornelius gives Bob the second to last name: Little George, trying to frame him since he is his nemesis for some reason. Bob lies in wait in Little George's room, and attempts to strangle him. Unlike the poker playing degenerates, though, Little George is very strong. And if Bob couldn't handle Gregory Peck in Cape Fear, you know he's going to have trouble with a future Bond villain. Sure enough, Bob is forced to shoot him and run off, ruining his streak of ironic strangling-related deaths and giving Little George a few last moments alone. With them he smears his own blood on his hands and glues them together in prayer to implicate the preacher, the most deranged clue since 38 orphans left for dead spelled out the social security number of their kidnapper with their bodies in the Lifetime movie Betrayal of Innocent Courage.<br /><br />Dino finds the hands of the outspoken atheist clasped in prayer, but the clue takes a little time to sink in. Just enough time to tie up all the loose ends of the plot, in fact. Bob meets Cornelius in the graveyard for the last name, but ends up on the wrong end of his gun. It seems that evil will triumph over vengeance, but Cornelius lets Bob read a prayer for his brother out of a bible that conceals a derringer. This fatal mistake perhaps seems understandable to a modern audience, but in the Old West, at least half of the bibles in circulation were hollowed out to hold guns, so Cornelius really should have seen it coming.<br /><br />After making that prayer-preacher connection, Dino comes looking to make a citizen's arrest on Bob right after he's finished his mission of killing half the people in town. Bob tries the same bible scam, but Dino has had that pulled on him at least a dozen times, so he outdraws Bob and completes the Old West circle of life. He bids a fond farewell to both of his girlfriends, and rides off into the sunset. As the movie fades out, we never find out what his damn hole card was, further whetting our appetite for Five Card Stud 2: I Still Know What You Did 130 Summers Ago. Sadly, we are left with only a Godfather and no Godfather: Part II. Still, I would have to say that this is the greatest movie I have ever seen. <br /></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/5220419413165636934-4565532459889545467?l=jiggscasey-movie-reviews.blogspot.com'/></div>slappyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04164998357718548360noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5220419413165636934.post-21180923891600860342007-11-16T17:42:00.000-05:002008-12-09T19:36:43.304-05:00<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/Rz4edoMOM7I/AAAAAAAAAWc/MxipHoztLpw/s1600-h/suddendeath.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/Rz4edoMOM7I/AAAAAAAAAWc/MxipHoztLpw/s400/suddendeath.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5133574119602664370" /></a><br />Starring:<br />Luc Robitaille<br />Jean-Claude Van Damme<br /><br />Plot Summary: Terrorists threaten America during her most treasured sporting event - the Stanley Cup Finals.<br /><div id="[0012]toggle" class="" menu="" collapse="" r="" readmorelink="" style="margin-bottom: 5px; display: inline;"><br /><a id="[0012]link" href='javascript:blockon("[0012]","[0012]link","[0012]toggle")'>Read more/less</a><br /></div><br /><div id="[0012]" class="readmore" style="padding: 0px 5px; display: none;"><br /> All of the major sports in the United States have had movies glorifying them: Field of Dreams, Hoosiers, and Necessary Roughness are just the archetypal examples. Sadly, there have been few efforts to promote hockey, the bastard child of American sports. During the 1990s expansion of hockey to warm-weather climates that offered large TV markets, non-worthless currency, and a hockey-illiterate local population, Peter Hyams sought to direct the great American hockey movie, starring 600-goal scorer Luc Robitaille and co-starring Jean-Claude Van Damme.<br /><br />Peter Hyams gives us Game 7 of a hypothetical Stanley Cup Finals between the Chicago Blackhawks and the Pittsburgh Penguins, the most exciting game in sports. Jean-Claude Van Damme shows his blue-collar work ethic by shoring up the film with a subplot involving terrorists holding the Vice President of the United States hostage in a luxury box. The winning combination of playoff hockey with domestic terrorism made this the best hockey movie of the decade, better than all seven Mighty Ducks films and even better than MVP: Most Valuable Primate.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/Rz4dO4MOM5I/AAAAAAAAAWM/Lu5rEPoAfbk/s1600-h/suddendeath-ducks.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/Rz4dO4MOM5I/AAAAAAAAAWM/Lu5rEPoAfbk/s400/suddendeath-ducks.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5133572766687966098" /></a><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/Rz4dg4MOM6I/AAAAAAAAAWU/w4YwhdGofOw/s1600-h/suddendeath-mvp.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/Rz4dg4MOM6I/AAAAAAAAAWU/w4YwhdGofOw/s400/suddendeath-mvp.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5133573075925611426" /></a></div><br /><br />Jean-Claude is Darren McCord, a shell-shocked firefighter turned fire marshal working the Pittsburgh arena for Game 7. He scores two tickets for his 10 year-old son Tyler and his 8 year-old daughter Emily. Unfortunately he can't get another ticket for his ex-wife or any other adult supervision while he is working during the game. This is probably why he is only allowed to see them on weekends anyway.<br /><br />The audience is treated to some early pre-game cameos as Jean-Claude takes his kids through the Penguins locker room, sowing the seeds in Tyler of a life-long love of hockey and in Emily of a life-long fear of naked men. His kids meet future Hall of Fame left winger Luc Robitaille and Brett Tolliver, who appears to be a goalie of some kind. Jean-Claude even introduces the children to the head chef, which although lacking in excitement, is also lacking in naked men.<br /><br />Jean-Claude abandons his children for the three-hour game and goes to work. Meanwhile, the terrorists gain access to the Vice President's luxury box by holding the chef's wife hostage, spilling a lot of unnecessary blood in the process. Cutting back to the game, Pittsburgh draws first blood, with Stevens beating Belfour at the ten-minute mark of the first period. The unsung hero of the movie, real-life Pittsburgh announcer Mike Lange, captures the drama with his trademark call of, "Gramma, the bingo game is ready to roll!"<br /><br />We return to the terrorist subplot and meet Joshua Foss, portrayed by Powers Boothe of Red Dawn fame. He contacts the Secret Service outside the arena to inform them that if $1.7 billion of frozen assets aren't transferred to his offshore accounts, he will blow up the entire arena. The catch is that one third of the amount has to be moved during each period or he will shoot hostages. This is the best attempt to structure a hostage ransom to parallel a sporting event since Rip Taylor demanded one-eighteenth of a $1 million ransom be delivered during each hole of the Masters at Augusta in the straight-to-video Masters of Evil.<br /><br />After watching Chicago tie the game at one with two minutes left in the first on a tip-in by Graham, Emily wanders unescorted into the ladies' restroom. Reflecting the fear of every American parent, Emily discovers that someone has killed the mascot and assumed her identity. This is a standard move from the terrorist handbook, which states in the prologue that he who controls the mascot controls the stadium. The evil Penguin mascot takes Emily to the skybox, after which Jean-Claude drops by to figure out where his daughter went.<br /><br />Jean-Claude finally realizes that Icee the Penguin has been replaced with a lady terrorist when he discovers his daughter's hat by the elevator. They get into a knife fight in the kitchen, where Jean-Claude is threatened with a deli slicer, meat tenderizer, and the deep fryer. The only thing more embarrassing than fighting a woman in a penguin suit is getting beaten up by a woman in a penguin suit. He finally prevails after blinding her with crushed red pepper, proving that Jean-Claude is not some male chauvinist who thinks it's immoral to cheat while fighting a woman.<br /><br />He goes to report the fight to a security guard who has also been replaced by a terrorist. Apparently they brought a crew of 500 to the arena. The security guard follows him into the kitchen, where he promptly blows his cover. Jean-Claude, now an experienced kitchen fighter, tortures him into providing the exposition.<br /><br />Meanwhile, the Penguins suffer a complete defensive breakdown, allowing three Blackhawks all alone in front of Tolliver. Jeff Sims scores for Chicago, going up 2-1 with 6:00 left in the second. The terrorists blow up every car in the parking lot to repel an advance by the Secret Service, and the Penguins cycle the puck down low in the offensive zone. A Secret Service helicopter is shot down as it approaches the arena, and Sandstrom ties the game on a nice centering pass from behind the net. In perhaps the most seamless integration of the two plots, a dozen Secret Service infiltrators are sent back dead inside a Zamboni.<br /><br />Jean-Claude is no ordinary fire marshal, and not in the usual kickboxer/fire marshal way. One of his extra skills is disarming C-4 explosives, which he learned in the Boy Scouts. The other skill is one he learned from watching MacGyver: creating elaborate weapons from random things found in a hockey arena. The lighter fluid/supersoaker flamethrower is outdone only by his power drill bit/plastic tubing blowgun.<br /><br />In the third period Ron Francis dekes Belfour at the 11:30 mark to put the Penguins up by one. While cutting detonator wires using the time-honored eeny-meeny-miney-moe method, Jean-Claude is interrupted by a terrorist, whom he kills using his blowgun. Sutter scores for Chicago, and the goalie Tolliver leaves the game with a 107° fever. Jean-Claude uses his supersoaker flamethrower to surprise a couple terrorists who just can't believe that they are going to die to such a goofy weapon.<br /><br />In order to further integrate the subplot with the hockey game, Jean-Claude runs through the crowd to evade some of the fully automatic rifle-toting terrorists, who don't seem to stick out too much in a Pittsburgh hockey crowd. He ducks into the locker room and disguises himself in Tolliver's uniform, coming out just in time to see backup goalie Wregget give up the go-ahead goal to Chicago.<br /><br />Jean-Claude finds himself out on the ice playing net for the Penguins. He even makes a glove save on a breakaway, but, realizing he needs to stop playing hockey and get back to defusing the numerous C-4 bricks around the arena, he starts a fight with a Blackhawks forward to get ejected. A cynic might find this sequence wacky, incredible, unspeakably retarded even. A true film buff, on the other hand, recognizes this as the natural progression of Cinderella sports movies: first children, then chimpanzees, and in 1995, Jean-Claude Van Damme.<br /><br />Despite leaving the Penguins shorthanded for the final four minutes, Chicago chokes in borderline New York Rangers quality. Protecting a one-goal lead during the final 10 seconds of the game, the Blackhawks call for a line change, allowing Ron Francis to feed Luc Robitaille on the breakaway, who beats Belfour with 0.3 seconds left. This sends the game into sudden death overtime, ironically enough, just like the title. It is not clear if the terrorists expect more money to be transferred in the extra periods.<br /><br />At this point I felt that the director sort of loses control of the picture. In trying to give equal time to both arenas of action, he lets the Jean-Claude fighting terrorism subplot take too much of attention away from a very exciting hockey game. I do respect that he is given a very difficult task of doing justice to both with only 110 minutes of film. The game goes into sudden death overtime, but it's completely overshadowed by Jean-Claude running around setting terrorists on fire. And it's the good part of overtime, the first ten minutes, not even the third OT where everybody's too tired to skate and the coaches are out on the ice. I'm not saying that one second of Jean-Claude blowing a drill bit into a terrorist's neck could be cut, but maybe Peter Hyams should have made the film 150 minutes long and done equal justice to the OT period. I patiently await the director's cut on DVD.<br /><br />At any rate, Jean-Claude mixes some white powder and a couple clear liquids he finds in the trainer's room in a jar and goes to the roof. Clearly he has an elaborate plan, one that involves opening the stadium's retractable roof, jumping onto one of the roof cameras, riding it down the tracks onto one of the hanging lights, swinging towards the luxury box, throwing the jar (which, unexpectedly, is a high-powered explosive) onto the roof of the box, and jumping through the hole to rescue the his daughter and Vice President. He also ends up throwing a terrorist into the scoreboard, shooting sparks in slow motion like The Natural except disgusting.<br /><br />Unlike football, which cancels a game if there's lightning striking the field, or baseball, which cancels for a light mist, hockey isn't subject to weather. A corpse falling from a hundred feet onto center ice will stop the action, though, Game 7 or no Game 7. As the panicked fans rush towards the exit, Jean-Claude collects his traumatized children. Little Emily recognizes Joshua Foss making his escape, and gets re-kidnapped. This brings to mind the old country saying: "Abduct my daughter and hold her hostage once, shame on you, abduct my daughter and hold her hostage twice, shame on me."<br /><br />To be fair, Jean-Claude always tries to save his kids from the dangers he exposes them to, and chases Foss up to the roof and his getaway chopper. Foss gets on the ladder and shoots at Emily to distract Jean-Claude, who gallantly takes the bullet in the shoulder. To bring home that crime not only doesn't pay, but inevitably ends in fiery death, he takes aim at the helicopter, and in a shot that would impress James Bond, penetrates the floor of the chopper and kills the pilot. Maybe this was a less than optimal strategy as the helicopter was directly above father and daughter at the time, but luckily it narrowly misses them and crashes on the ice.<br /><br />This would pose serious problems for the Cup Finals. The Penguins earned home-ice advantage, but Game 7 couldn't be rescheduled for the Civic Arena with the various explosion damage. Presumably, the President announces that there will be no make-up game, rather declaring each team equally good. Pittsburgh will have the Stanley Cup Monday, Wednesday, and Friday; Chicago Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday; with Sundays to be determined by coin flip. Let the healing begin.<br /><br />I would have to say that this is the greatest movie I have ever seen.<br /> <br />Pittsburgh 4, Chicago 4 (OT)<br />Chicago 1 1 2 0 - 4<br />Pittsburgh 1 1 2 0 - 4<br /> <br />Scoring Summary: <br />First Period - 1. Pittsburgh, Stevens. 2. Chicago, Graham.<br />Second Period - 3. Chicago, Sims. 4. Pittsburgh, Sandstrom.<br />Third Period - 5. Pittsburgh, Francis. 6. Chicago, Sutter. 7. Chicago, Nichols. 8. Pittsburgh, Robitaille.<br />Overtime - No scoring. Game called on account of domestic terrorism.<br /> <br />Goalies - Chicago, Belfour (8 shots - 4 saves). Pittsburgh, Tolliver (6-3), Wregget (1-0), Van Damme (1-1).<br /><br /></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/5220419413165636934-2118092389160086034?l=jiggscasey-movie-reviews.blogspot.com'/></div>slappyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04164998357718548360noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5220419413165636934.post-38284722862744509852007-10-28T14:08:00.000-04:002008-12-09T19:36:43.467-05:00<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/RyN_arhx8vI/AAAAAAAAAUY/HGHxpVykQbU/s1600-h/chainreaction.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/RyN_arhx8vI/AAAAAAAAAUY/HGHxpVykQbU/s400/chainreaction.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5126080897215492850" border="0" /></a><br />Starring:<br />Keanu Reeves<br />Morgan Freeman<br /><br />Plot summary: Nuclear physicist Keanu discovers cold fusion and is pursued by black helicopters for 90 minutes.<br /><div id="[0011]toggle" class="" menu="" collapse="" r="" readmorelink="" style="margin-bottom: 5px; display: inline;"><br /><a id="[0011]link" href='javascript:blockon("[0011]","[0011]link","[0011]toggle")'>Read more/less</a><br /></div><br /><div id="[0011]" class="readmore" style="padding: 0px 5px; display: none;"><br />The best movies are ones that provoke questions. Like what if shining a laser into a tank of water while vibrating it with a high frequency sound could split the bonds and produce pure hydrogen? What if Keanu Reeves was the only man who knew how it worked? What if the CIA infiltrated and sabotaged energy research in order to maintain geopolitical stability? Why does the theme song sound just like the theme from Top Gun? These questions and many more are answered by director Andrew Davis.<br /><br />Keanu is at his best when he is confused (The Matrix, Much Ado About Nothing) or traveling at great speed (Speed), which is why having Andrew Davis direct is such a good choice, being the mastermind behind The Fugitive, a film centered on Harrison Ford running away from Tommy Lee Jones. Jumping at the chance to work with Keanu, Mr. Davis sets out to make the great Keanu Running Movie.<br /><br />The first stroke of genius was to cast Morgan Freeman as the foundation head funding the research project. This was the first known use of the Pair Keanu up with an Accomplished African-American Actor (PKAAAA) System, later followed to the letter using Laurence Fishburne in The Matrix and Al Pacino in The Replacements.<br /><br />You might ask when you hear that Keanu unleashes limitless free energy from ordinary drinking water, "Keanu Reeves as a nuclear physicist? You have got to be kidding me. How is this potted plant supposed to be believable as a physicist?" Actually, he does not portray a physicist, rather Eddie Kasalivich, a simple machinist at the University of Chicago. Granted, he is a simple machinist with a working prototype of the free energy machine on his workbench. One day, while shining the laser beam into the water tank, he realizes that while his lathe is carving a new part, the water starts spontaneously generating hydrogen. Luckily, he keeps a synthesizer next to his workbench, and sampling his lathe, Keanu plays the one note for minutes on end taking data, becoming the Yanni of energy research.<br /><br />Thus, Keanu discovers how to end world conflict by drowning the earth with free energy using only a laser, a tank of water, and a Casio keyboard. The night of the big discovery, after the drunken scientists leave, the head of the project Dr. Alistair Barkley (Nicholas Rudall, a professor at the University of Chicago making a cameo as a professor at the University of Chicago) starts to send the data to scientists worldwide. Being a professional director, Andrew Davis knows that ending conflict with free energy for all makes a good Nobel Prize, but a lousy movie. Instead, Keanu finds himself in a nightmarish black-ops conspiracy, the unfortunate fate of a full 13% of energy researchers in America.<br /><br />Before Dr. Barkley can send the data, men in an unmarked van storm the building, kill him, and set the free energy machine on an unstable runaway course by replacing Keanu's frequencies with Metallica's Fade To Black. Keanu comes back to the lab after dropping off Dr. Lily Sinclair (Rachel Weisz of The Mummy fame) in order to make sure the drunken scientist got home all right and lay a foundation for future romantic interest. Keanu arrives to find his mentor suffocated with a plastic bag and the free energy machine glowing and shaking uncontrollably. Being a simple machinist, he spends a few minutes trying CPR before running out and hopping on his motorbike. The tank of water glows even brighter, eventually exploding in a mushroom cloud and destroying eight blocks of Chicago. A nuclear explosion generated by a tank of water produces no ordinary fireball, not like the kind action movie stars can outrun on foot. Luckily, Keanu has a moped.<br /><br />Rather than distract the audience from enjoying Keanu run with a mystery, Andrew Davis makes it clear from the outset that Morgan Freeman, playing the funding god Paul Shannon, is evil. He argues with Dr. Barkley, he glowers in every scene, and when the team succeeds he is visibly annoyed. Once bad things start happening, the audience knows that the conspiracy goes right up to Morgan, with maybe only Dick Cheney above him. This allows everyone to relax and devote all their attention to Keanu running.<br /><br />The black ops conspirators plant a bundle of cash in Keanu's apartment to frame him, along with a burst transmitter that could be used to send the data to the Red Chinese, three copies of Chairman Mao's Little Red Book, and a draft manuscript entitled "How I Betrayed My Country to the Red Chinese." With Dr. Lily also subtly implicated in the nuclear explosion, they find themselves on the run like Katharine Hepburn and Humphrey Bogart in The African Queen, except Dr. Lily is English and Keanu can't enunciate.<br /><br />The police and FBI are convinced by the mountain of evidence, so they pursue the two inside and out of the greater Chicago metro area. Keanu, being but a simple machinist, is not used to being on the run, so at various points tries to evade the Federalis by running up a drawbridge (showing a strong Blues Brothers influence, but forgetting the vital automobile) and stealing a hovercraft to pilot across a frozen lake (not the most low profile escape route). The two are never captured. A more cynical viewer might suggest that Keanu is protected by a force from on high. And he is.<br /><br />The CIA, which has been secretly been funding the project through Morgan Freeman, framed Keanu and Dr. Lily, and then follows them to insure that they remain uncaptured by the law. They need Keanu alive because they need him to tell them the magic frequencies. Apparently no one wrote them down before nuking the lab.<br /><br />In no particular order, Dr. Lily succumbs to hypothermia, falls for the charismatic and charming Keanu, and is captured by the CIA. Keanu remains free by fighting off four CIA spooks in a museum using a plaster bone from a Neanderthal display. Obligated by chase movie conventions to save the damsel in distress, he locates the top secret CIA lab, breaks in, and fixes their magic water reactor.<br /><br />This is where Keanu truly captures the essence of his character. He is just a machinist; all he understands is maintenance. James Bond would never break into the hollowed out volcano hideout and do minor structural repairs, but Keanu is not James Bond, and God willing, never will be. Usually fixing the evil-doers' reactor is a tactical mistake, but Keanu is crafty. Right before his showdown with the evil CIA energy researchers he faxes all of the data to the FBI offices and sabotages the control mechanism he fixed.<br /><br />With the runaway reaction mounting, the CIA spooks don't have enough time to shoot Keanu and Dr. Lily in the head, leaving them behind to perish in the explosion. By chance they find another way out, and Keanu helps Dr. Lily out of the tunnel system just in time. Keanu, on the other hand, is ejected from the tunnel forcibly by the explosion, becoming the first man to survive two nuclear blasts in one movie, breaking the previous record of one by Glenn Langan in The Amazing Colossal Man.<br /><br />And as we fade out on the scene, one simple machinist has made the world safe for love at the same time he puts Big Oil, Big Coal, and even Big Solar out of business using a tank of water, a laser, and a Casio. I would have to say that Chain Reaction is the greatest movie I have ever seen.<br /><br /></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/5220419413165636934-3828472286274450985?l=jiggscasey-movie-reviews.blogspot.com'/></div>slappyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04164998357718548360noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5220419413165636934.post-44981525380290021892007-10-27T14:00:00.000-04:002008-12-09T19:36:43.635-05:00<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/RyN-Zrhx8uI/AAAAAAAAAUQ/VYMYcbPPnZE/s1600-h/roadhouse.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/RyN-Zrhx8uI/AAAAAAAAAUQ/VYMYcbPPnZE/s400/roadhouse.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5126079780523995874" border="0" /></a><br />Starring:<br />Patrick Swayze<br />Sam Elliott<br /><br />Plot summary: Patrick Swayze cleans up a small town bar<br /><div id="[0010]toggle" class="" menu="" collapse="" r="" readmorelink="" style="margin-bottom: 5px; display: inline;"><br /><a id="[0010]link" href='javascript:blockon("[0010]","[0010]link","[0010]toggle")'>Read more/less</a><br /></div><br /><div id="[0010]" class="readmore" style="padding: 0px 5px; display: none;"><br />As the 1980s drew to a close, Hollywood sought to capture the beauty, dignity, and majesty of the decade on film. Road House was the result. Director Rowdy Herrington adapts the classic tale of a powerful warrior hired to protect a poor village to the modern equivalent of barroom bouncers. This update of Kurosawa's Seven Samurai celebrates not feudal Japan, but Reagan's America. This period piece opens with the credits in hot pink, the official color of the 1980s, and boasts the Jeff Healy Band, a one hit wonder rock band (for music fans, it was Angel Eyes).<br /><br />Patrick Swayze portrays the bouncer Dalton, the epitome of all that was good and decent about the Eighties. His pompadour has the lush volume any action hero would desire. He wears blue jeans that are tight enough to be a felony in several states. He has only one name. We begin with Patrick in a big city bar, paid well and looking good, but missing something in his life. Frank Tilghman, played by veteran bit-player Kevin Tighe, gives him this new purpose when he offers Patrick a chance to clean up his bar, The Double Deuce, out in the bustling town of Jasper.<br /><br />Much like a great actor will shun his craft for an opportunity to direct a frightfully bad movie, Patrick jumps at the opportunity to run the security team at this podunk truck stop of a bar. He throws all of his belongings in his Mercedes and gives his other Mercedes to a homeless man living outside his apartment, thus illustrating the trickle down theory in action.<br /><br />We first see the Double Deuce along with Patrick, and what a sight. Men throw beer bottles, women strip on tables, and the band plays behind a chicken wire cage. This would be the featured Jeff Healy Band, with the blind Jeff Healy playing lead guitar and vocals. First it should be noted that the Double Deuce is so rough a bar that men throw beer bottles at a blind man. Second it should be noted that the Jeff Healy Band play the Double Deuce every night. I think they sleep in a bunk bed out back. If you find the town of Jasper, they may still be playing there.<br /><br />Frank puts Patrick in charge of the bar, and in the customs of the time, Patrick immediately begins firing people. The waitress for dealing drugs, the bartender for stealing out of the till, and the former head bouncer for being the former head bouncer. Patrick is not merely a bouncer, but follows the Eighties tradition of coming up with a cooler name for his mundane profession, which ironically is a "cooler." Irony was also very popular in the decade. Then he gives his bouncer minions a briefing that Quentin Tarantino would borrow heavily from for Reservoir Dogs. It consists of the three rules:<br /><br />1. Never underestimate your opponent. Expect the unexpected. It is implied that his bouncer minions are also supposed to give 110%, realize there is no I in team, and win just one for the Gipper.<br />2. Take it outside. This is because the lighting is much better outside.<br />3. Be nice. This is because Patrick Swayze is a pretty action star. Unlike the Bruce Willises of the world, who must be brutal to overcome their obscene ugliness, the Swayzes and in some cases the Mel Gibsons can afford to be gentle ass kickers. Luckily this gives us the opportunity to see his bouncer minions get punched several times in the face before they intervene.<br /><br />Patrick Swayze is a cooler with a philosophy. The philosophy is summed up as "it's my way or the highway," all the more powerful as a mantra because it rhymes. As you can imagine, his character does have a degree in philosophy, from NYU. The director finds small but significant ways to enshrine the Eighties, when 47% of philosophy graduates held jobs in the alcohol and alcohol-related industries.<br /><br />Also very popular in the decade was watered-down Zen minimalism. Patrick embraces this philosophy in everything he does. When he enjoys the stylings of the Jeff Healy Band, he only nods his head in a vaguely self-assured manner. When a brawl is about to break out, he does nothing until absolutely necessary, such as after he has been stabbed. He also uses the philosophy in the management of his bouncer minions. They see a bad situation and look over at him as if to ask, "Should I go over here and get my ass beat?" Patrick just nods, effectively saying, "Yes, go over there and have him beat on you for a few minutes, and then I'll be over to help when he gets winded." Large barroom brawls go on for so long without him doing anything that you know when he does do something it will be cool. And when he does join the fray, you know it is cool, because Patrick does it in slow motion.<br /><br />The problem Rowdy Herrington faces with telling the gripping story of a cooler trying to clean up a bar is that there is no villain among the drunken hicks of Jasper. But what if the drunken hicks were somehow part of a master plan to take over the Double Deuce, and therefore control the drinking industry of Jasper? Enter Brad Wesley as portrayed by Ben Gazzara, who would go on to play Jackie Treehorn in The Big Lebowski almost a decade later.<br /><br />Brad represents the worst of the 1980s. He buys fast cars but drives them recklessly instead of giving them to the homeless. He amasses a fortune in business but uses it to manipulate and terrorize a small town instead of using it to amass a greater fortune. He makes grandiose boasts to Patrick like, "JC Penny's is coming here because of me." This kind of influence over bargain department store chains combined with his apparent control of all liquor within hundreds of miles of the Double Deuce has given him an iron grip on the town.<br /><br />The director has a delicate task in making sure the Brad and Patrick cross paths in such a way that they are destined to have a final showdown. Patrick rents a place from a poor backwoodsman named Emmet, played by Sunshine Parker (whose previous roles include "Old Codger" in Any Which Way You Can, "Hobo" in Pee Wee's Big Adventure, and "Old Drunkard" in Double Revenge) in a rare role where his character has a name. Emmet lives across the lake from Brad's 24-hour party mansion; he and Patrick are constantly inconvenienced by the debauchery.<br /><br />Brad Wesley may have control of all alcohol everywhere and the rest of the town in his back pocket, but Frank Tilghman has the best bouncer/cooler in the world. Some people may be surprised that Patrick is the world's best cooler, not because of any shortcomings Mr. Swayze may have, but because it is hard to conceive of the cooler industry as one with an international ranking system. But within about a week of working at the Double Deuce, Patrick has gotten rid of the fighters, convinced the women to dance on the floor with their clothes on, installed new lighting, rebuilt the sound stage, put in some pool tables, and improved the clientele by busing in upper middle class patrons to replace Jasper's undesirables. This may seem difficult to believe since Patrick is only one man, but his best friend Wade (played by another future Big Lebowski star Sam Elliott) appears mid-movie to help him, who happens to be the #2 bouncer in the world.<br /><br />Brad is infuriated by this, launching a campaign of retribution against the innocent, non-alcohol industry working people of Jasper. He destroys a used car lot that was late on its protection payments using a monster truck (the Official Absurd Vehicle of the Eighties), possibly the best monster truck movie sequence ever. He then unleashes his henchman Jimmy the greasy punk, played by the always delightful television movie actor Marshall R. Teague. He wears a cross earring to symbolize the rise of extreme evangelicalism that sought to destroy the raw, tight-pantsed sexuality as embodied by Patrick Swayze. Jimmy the greasy punk is an arsonist/martial arts expert, and sets fire to an auto parts store, which judging from the 30-foot fireball, unfortunately seems to have been storing high explosives in the back room.<br /><br />Patrick senses that the final confrontation is approaching, so he begins training, which involves a lot of punching bag work and rope climbing. It is not well known that bouncer training looks a lot like junior high gym class. Sam Elliott counsels Patrick, finally convincing him that the worthless town of Jasper is not worth dying for. This is right before Brad Wesley has him savagely beaten and killed, thus threatening to cripple the movie by removing 75% of the acting talent.<br /><br />In the middle of the night, Patrick awakens to find Emmet's house on fire. After the house explodes, Patrick spots Jimmy the greasy punk getting away on a motorbike. To anyone who remembers that Patrick is the greatest bouncer in the entire world, it should be no surprise that he runs the arsonist down, dragging him off the bike. They fight hand to hand for a few minutes, until Jimmy the greasy punk announces, "I'm going to kill you the old-fashioned way," and pulls out a gun. I don't understand it, but I love it. Patrick is able to kick the gun away, and in a triumph of good over evil, kills him in what could be argued as self-defense.<br /><br />Patrick, now that his best friend is dead and his rental home has exploded, must destroy the evil empire of Brad Wesley. Brad's home is guarded by four gunmen, while Patrick is armed only with his cunning and his Mercedes with a brick on the accelerator as a diversion. Inside the house, he is able to take all four of them down by using one as a human shield, shooting two of them, and dropping a stuffed polar bear on the last.<br /><br />In the final showdown with Brad Wesley, Patrick shoots him in the leg, but can't finish him off in cold blood. He reveals his tragic flaw to be his utter incompetence when he turns his back on the arch-villain, who promptly pulls a gun. But just when we think all is lost, Patrick is saved by the Deus Ex Emmet, as he leads the shotgun-toting villagers to slaughter Brad Wesley, JC Penney's or no JC Penney's.<br /><br />When the sheriff arrives to deal with the dead bodies, each of the villagers says poignantly, "I didn't see anything." And as the code of silence once again protects the American Heartland from proper legal investigation, we fade out, leaving the world's greatest bouncer to find another town to right the wrongs and win the hearts of the common folk. I would have to say that Road House is the greatest movie I have ever seen.<br /><br /></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/5220419413165636934-4498152538029002189?l=jiggscasey-movie-reviews.blogspot.com'/></div>slappyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04164998357718548360noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5220419413165636934.post-15495384320029091582007-10-14T14:45:00.000-04:002008-12-09T19:36:44.022-05:00<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/RxJkhptwClI/AAAAAAAAAR4/Tuir5t3v3l8/s1600-h/bloodsport.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/RxJkhptwClI/AAAAAAAAAR4/Tuir5t3v3l8/s400/bloodsport.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5121266255569881682" /></a><br />Starring: Jean-Claude Van Damme<br /><br />Plot Summary: Uh, he kicks the shit out of people. Have you never seen a Van Damme movie?<br /><div id="[0009]toggle" class="" menu="" collapse="" r="" readmorelink="" style="margin-bottom: 5px; display: inline;"><br /><a id="[0009]link" href='javascript:blockon("[0009]","[0009]link","[0009]toggle")'>Read more/less</a><br /></div><br /><div id="[0009]" class="readmore" style="padding: 0px 5px; display: none;"><br />When he's not fighting his twin brother/clone in a Freudian case study or playing a cyborg, Jean-Claude Van Damme can be found kickboxing. Directors have found that if you leave a camera on him kickboxing for a couple hours you've got yourself the better part of a movie. Most of the time, that movie is complete crap. But if you get the right setting, storyline, and supporting cast, genius is created. Bloodsport is just such a movie, a film that blends together the timeless themes of honor, kickboxing, and latent homosexuality.<br /><br />The movie opens with Jean-Claude plays Frank Dux, on leave from the Army to fight in the proud, historic, and most of all, brutal full-contact martial-arts tournament known as the Kumite. He visits his dying instructor, Senzo Tanaka, played by Roy Chiao who shows great range in being able to look Japanese. Jean-Claude flashes back and forth between his first encounter with Senzo, the death of Senzo's son, and the subsequent training of Jean-Claude as an honorary Japanese. This unprecedented fifteen-minute, three-level flashback brings the audience a sense of plot development, and temporal disorientation, that is missing in most martial arts movies.<br /><br />Karate training in the Shidoshi clan is based on getting beaten savagely while blindfolded. Jean-Claude's senses are gradually sharpened until he can learn no more from being kicked in the face while blindfolded. At that point Jean-Claude learns about the proud culture of the Shidoshi clan by performing the tea ceremony for Senzo and his wife. Blindfolded.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/RxJk9JtwCnI/AAAAAAAAASI/ESLOuSg8MAE/s1600-h/bloodsport-ogre.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/RxJk9JtwCnI/AAAAAAAAASI/ESLOuSg8MAE/s400/bloodsport-ogre.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5121266728016284274" /></a>Jean-Claude flies to Hong Kong in search of the ancient tournament, held in a rat's nest in the warehouse district. On a bus he meets Donald Gibb, building on his role as Ogre in the Revenge of the Nerds franchise, portraying Ray Jackson. There is instant friction after Jean-Claude interferes with Ogre's attempts to sexually harass a Chinese girl on the bus. In an exchange dripping with homosexual tension, Ogre asks Jean-Claude, "Aren't you a little young for full contact?" Although some may call that a stretch, the exact same line is used in Turkish Prison 4: Sensual Awakening. Using the time-honored male bonding ritual of video game karate, the two become fast friends. Ogre reveals he is also participating in the Kumite, representing the drunken Irish brawling fighting style.<br /><br />The next day Jean-Claude, dressed in a scoop neck shirt designed to show off maximum cleavage, has his qualifications questioned at the registration desk for the illegal, shadowy martial arts tournament. In a classic example of martial-arts reverse discrimination, Jean-Claude is decreed too Belgian to represent the Shidoshi clan. He must prove his qualifications by performing the famous Shidoshi "death touch." Jean-Claude strikes a stack of five bricks, causing the bottom brick to explode in slow motion. Chong Li (played ably by Bolo Yeung), a Chinese man more top-heavy than Pamela Anderson, mocks him in broken English, "Very good, but brick not hit back." Reportedly, Chong Li actually ad-libbed that line.<br /><br />Registration day over, Jean-Claude hits the hotel bar where some of the extras are harassing a blonde reporter named Janice, played by veteran television guest star Leah Ayres. Jean-Claude comes to her rescue by wagering her in a game of "I Bet This Human Being's Life I Can Grab a Coin out of Your Hand." Luckily, Tanaka trained Jean-Claude to grab goldfish out of a pond just for this occasion. Jean-Claude, using nothing more than rudimentary camera tricks, is able to not only grab the coin out of the extra's hand, but replace it with another coin. His powers confirmed, the others back down, winning the girl's freedom and a date the next night.<br /><br />The tournament starts the next day. While two of the extras fight, the rules are explained. Two men beat the living snot out of each other until (a) one of them is knocked unconscious, or (b) one of them resigns and screams, "Mate!" which translates roughly to "You have shattered my pelvis! Please cease and desist." Director Newt Arnold makes a bold decision to use the 80s power ballad to set the tone for the first martial arts montage. Normally the power ballad is used to alert the audience that the scene contains deep emotions, sweet loving, a motorcycle, or any combination of the three. This is the only documented case of using the power ballad for watching extras getting brutally beaten.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/RxJkrJtwCmI/AAAAAAAAASA/Ddp3SwsRtmg/s1600-h/bloodsport-chongli.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/RxJkrJtwCmI/AAAAAAAAASA/Ddp3SwsRtmg/s400/bloodsport-chongli.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5121266418778638946" /></a>Chong Li steals the scene. In fact, he damn near steals the whole movie despite the skilled kickboxing of Jean-Claude. Chong Li is a student of American film, and so understands that he holds special privileges due to having the largest breasts in the cast. His bulging eyes and dancing pecs are intimidating while stopping just short of cartoonish, and his skilled voice mechanics enhance the martial arts experience by making himself sound poorly dubbed.<br /><br />After Day One Jean-Claude encounters the sub-plot in the form of two army investigators Helmer and Rawlins, played by Norman Burton (who played Felix Leiter in Diamonds Are Forever) and Forest Whitaker (fresh off his successes in Good Morning Vietnam), who were cast in order to fulfill the demand by the Screen Actors Guild that some actors be used in the film. The two serve as a kind of black and white buddy cop device, except that they play the role completely straight, reminiscent of Slim Pickens' role in Dr. Strangelove, Or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb.<br /><br />They demand that Jean-Claude withdraw from the tournament and return to his post, and have tasers to ensure his cooperation. All seems lost, but Ogre comes barreling to the rescue, knocking over both men and half the set. This gives Jean-Claude a chance to start a chase scene through the alleys, streets, and docks of Hong Kong, complete with a chase-scene power ballad. Jean-Claude evades them in time to make his date with, and get in the pants of, Janice the Blonde Reporter.<br /><br />Day Two of the tournament opens with several matches between extras, which are rather exciting since you don't know which one is going to win. Jean-Claude is called to fight a big fat Chinese guy who is impervious to all attacks except a punch right square in the groin. The crowd roars wildly for Jean-Claude after the mighty groin punch, and Janice the Blonde Reporter looks at him with a mixture of awe and admiration.<br /><br />Then Ogre meets the fate of most best friends in action movies. After knocking Chong Li down, he commits hubris. Instead of jumping repeatedly on Chong Li's neck, face, or genitals, he prances around the ring in an excess of pride worthy of Sophocles or the WWF. Chong Li rises, snaps Ogre's neck, and in the ultimate insult, steals his Harley-Davidson bandana.<br /><br />We cut to Jean-Claude and Janice the Blonde Reporter at the hospital bed of Ogre. Jean-Claude promises vengeance, but Janice is concerned that Chong Li's kung fu is more powerful than his. Jean-Claude finds himself torn - on the one hand, Ogre has been his closest friend for almost three days, and on the other, Janice has some sweet ass. He contemplates his next move the only way Jean-Claude can: by flexing his muscles and doing the splits on the rooftop of a skyscraper to a stirring power ballad.<br /><br />Everywhere Jean-Claude goes, he is haunted by the image of Chong Li - in the crowds in Hong Kong, in the reflections in a subway window. At last the final match comes. Jean-Claude, who has been wearing less and less in each fight, now sports a pair of bike shorts. Chong Li and Jean-Claude flex menacingly at each other. It's kind of like a gladiator movie starring Harvey Fierstein and Nathan Lane, except with more homosexual tension.<br /><br />Jean-Claude proves too much for Chong Li, so the wily Asian crumbles a white pill of magic blinding powder into his hands. He blows the talcum powder into Jean-Claude's face, blurring out his vision completely. Although this is apparently legal in the Kumite, Jean-Claude is able to fall back on his blindfolded tea ceremony training and beat the living snot out of Chong Li. He forces him to yell "Mate," thus winning the biggest victory for the white man in a harsh Asian world since the Opium Wars.<br /><br />Back at the hospital, Ogre has recovered in time to hear Jean-Claude's story of triumph. Jean-Claude returns the bandana, coyly saying, "Next time you fight, remember to keep your clothes on." Ogre looks back at him with misty eyes and says, "Any time, any place." The director resists the urge to overdirect, and merely implies the heartfelt "I love you."<br /><br />Bloodsport has ass-whooping, romance, more ass-whooping, and the deep bond that only men who fight each other half-naked can understand. I would have to say that this is the greatest movie I have ever seen. <br /></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/5220419413165636934-1549538432002909158?l=jiggscasey-movie-reviews.blogspot.com'/></div>slappyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04164998357718548360noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5220419413165636934.post-38699830361928178702007-10-06T09:30:00.000-04:002008-12-09T19:36:44.212-05:00<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/RweP_JtwCeI/AAAAAAAAAQ0/53k_YHb5z-w/s1600-h/sonofblob.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/RweP_JtwCeI/AAAAAAAAAQ0/53k_YHb5z-w/s320/sonofblob.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5118217816632199650" border="0" /></a><br />Starring: Dick Van Patten<br /><br />Plot summary: The Blob is back! Yeah, that pretty much sums it up.<br /><div id="[0008]toggle" class="" menu="" collapse="" r="" readmorelink="" style="margin-bottom: 5px; display: inline;"><br /><a id="[0008]link" href='javascript:blockon("[0008]","[0008]link","[0008]toggle")'>Read more/less</a><br /></div><br /><div id="[0008]" class="readmore" style="padding: 0px 5px; display: none;"><br />The Blob (1958) was a fine movie, but by 1972 cherry jello was only so frightening. The American people needed a man, a man with vision, to update the science fiction classic to the go-go philosophy of the 1970s. Enter Larry Hagman, in between "I Dream of Jeannie" and "Dallas," to come in to direct the film that is truly, the sequel to The Blob.<br /><br />The first hurdle JR had was casting the lead role. The original had Steve McQueen, but Hagman was able to land Robert Walker Jr. to play the teenager no one will believe. Maybe Captain Nelson didn't have the big names, but the scrappy director saw opportunities for improvement on the Blob franchise. The original Blob just sort of oozed. Boring. The original Blob attacked people. Predictable. The original Blob didn't set intricate traps for its victims. Unimaginative.<br /><br />This Blob is a newer, hipper, more virile Blob. The opening credits play over footage of a kitten playing in a field. A cute little kitten, frolicking about. You think, no, they couldn't. That kitten can't suffer a horribly slow death consumed by a gelatinous blob not of this earth right after the credits finish. And it doesn't.<br /><br />Instead we meet Chester and Mariane Hargis. Chester is a scientist returning from the Arctic, where he took a core sample of the 1958 Blob. Following standard operating procedure for scientific expeditions in the Arctic, he stores it in a thermos, brings it home and places it in the freezer, next to the ice cream. Mariane moves the thermos to the counter to put away the vegetables and forgets about it, wandering off to wrap a present for a friend's birthday. Soon the chunk of Blob thaws, pops off the lid, and escapes outside to play with the kitten.<br /><br />Chester and Mariane are a nice young couple, but unfortunately, they are a young black couple in a monster movie. You like them, they even have a rather hip soul theme song, but the MPAA code is very strict on African American co-stars in early plot points of monster and/or action movies. Mariane walks out to look for the kitten, when the Blob comes out around the corner. Lurking. He sneaks up on her, then lunges.<br /><br />Here is the departure from the 1958 Blob. Here is the genius that only JR Ewing possesses. The Blob is hip, imaginative, and dare I say it, pro-active. After digesting Mariane, the Blob oozes through the screen door to find Chester. While Chester is adjusting the rabbit ears, the Blob coats the easy chair, turning it into a recliner of slow death. It is a shame to be the second human to leave the film, but at least Chester falls victim to a scheme worthy of a James Bond villain.<br /><br />The Blob goes off on a rampage, oozing throughout town destroying man and beast in new and inventive ways. While an ambiguous hairstylist washes his customer's hair, the Blob comes up the drain, turning the salon sink into a rinse of slow death. A fez-sporting Turk is taking a bath and sees his little dog eaten by the Blob, scaring him so deeply that he runs from his house without removing his fez or putting anything else on. In a barn the Blob relaxes below the chickens, accepting an almost disturbingly rapid stream of eggs before rising to claim the chickens as well. The Blob kills a costume party gorilla by blocking the road and enticing him to drive his hot rod at full speed into the enormous gelatinous mess. The Blob even cuts short the cameo of Dick Van Patten as a homosexual scout leader.<br /><br />Meanwhile, we meet the main characters. These are the people with more than two lines, at this point consisting of Bobby (Robert Walker Jr.) and Lisa (Gwynne Gilford). Lisa has seen the Blob early on in the film, when it was just about the same size and shape as Chester, but Bobby just thinks his girlfriend is completely insane. He's polite though, and realizes the error of his ways when the Blob surprises them in their big ass yellow Chevrolet Jimmy. It envelops the Jimmy, and while the two kids panic and run laps inside the SUV they accidentally trip the air conditioning. The Blob retreats in pain, and the kids drive off, so psychologically strained by the experience that they completely forget that cold stops the Blob.<br /><br />Bobby and Lisa attempt to warn the authorities, but Sheriff Jones (Richard Webb) simply refuses to believe that an enormous gelatinous entity from beyond the stars is consuming every living thing in the small town. Besides, just about everyone is at the bowling alley for a grand tournament or something, so anyone missing is probably just down there. Bobby and Lisa realize the horrible, horrible plot point that could develop, and rush off to the bowling alley to prevent mayhem. Unfortunately, the Blob has also heard the news, and oozes off to meet them.<br /><br />Edward Fazio (Richard Stahl of Love Boat, High Anxiety, and various softcore pornography) is the true victim. Early in the film, the downtrodden bowling alley owner gets run off the road by the crazy teenagers, and suffers deep scratches all over his paint job. Later, in the middle of unloading crates of soda bottles from his badly scratched car, the teenagers once again cross paths with him, and barrel right over his bottles when he can't move them out of the way fast enough for them to warn the town of the impending doom. So much senseless damage, and no hope that the crazy kids will pay restitution.<br /><br />So there they are, Bobby and Lisa, trying to warn people of imminent carnage despite a sheriff's department that doesn't believe them and a bowling alley owner that they have inadvertently tormented more than anyone in the town has been tormented. With the exception of the Blob victims.<br /><br />The Blob enters through a window in the back of the bowling alley, just as two pinmonkeys are crawling up inside to fix the pinsetter. Pinmonkeys. Huh. The Blob corners the pinmonkeys and consumes them. It makes you wonder if maybe, just maybe, the Blob somehow sabotaged the pinsetter as part of the master plan. Just one of the questions that Captain Nelson provokes with his film, such as, "What has he got against animals?"<br /><br />The kids warn everyone in the bowling alley that a giant red glop of gelatin is loose in the town, yet not a single person will believe them. Once the Blob comes oozing up the back of the lanes, though, the kids gain credibility and the sheriff is called in after most everyone in the alley has stampeded to freedom. The sheriff and his deputy go in with sawed off shotguns to defeat the Blob and save the last people stuck in the building, Bobby, Lisa, and Edward. The three have been cornered in the announcer's booth above the closed ice rink, and scream for assistance over the PA system. With their help the sheriff and deputy find the Blob and start shooting. Strangely enough, gunfire has little effect on jello and the deputy is consumed. The sheriff beats a tactical retreat the hell outside and prepares for Plan B. Plan B is waiting for the first indication that the people inside are dead, then dousing the building with gasoline and burning it to the ground. The PA shorts out, and the cops start the arson preparations.<br /><br />Unaware that the sheriff's department has committed to their fiery death, the kids and poor Edward panic in the booth while the Blob attempts to enter through the number of cracks and holes in the floor. They knock open a cooler, scattering ice onto the floor and the rising Blob. This causes the Blob to retreat again. Cause and effect finally become clear in Bobby's mind, as well as the fact that they are trapped with the Blob in an ice rink. Bobby must make it to the control box on the other side of the rink. Luckily, there is a large network of ropes and cables attached to the ceiling, and Bobby starts scampering to freedom. The Blob tries to climb the ropes to stop him, but is as successful as most gym students. Bobby reaches the power switch to the freezing coils just as the Blob starts lunging towards him. Luckily, the ice rink is designed to freeze on a moment's notice, and freezes all twenty tons of Blob in just under two seconds, turning the red jello monster into so much meringue. Bobby walks out triumphantly, declaring, "It's going to be a better world without that thing," and completely ignoring the pain of Edward Fazio, "Who is going to pay for all this?" Who is going to pay for all of this, indeed.<br /><br /><blockquote>I feel that as a public servant, it is my duty to make this announcement. Should any of you readers out there find yourself about to be interviewed regarding the destruction of a large alien life form, especially a blob-like alien life form, do not allow the reporter to interview you standing on the alien corpse. He or she will tell you it will make a great shot, but tell him or her to go screw him or herself. An alien is by definition life unlike you have ever seen, so how can you be sure you did not merely incapacitate it? Case in point: The reporter interviews Sheriff Jones atop the giant meringue that was once the Blob. Tragically, the hubris of interviewing atop the dispatched alien becomes evident when the hot stage light thaws the Blob, quickly flowing to the sheriff's boot. Sheriff Jones looks up to the camera and delivers a final line that has not yet gained the appreciation of a "Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship," or "Mein Fuhrer, I can walk!" but in years to come will gain proper respect: "What?"</blockquote><br /><br />In conclusion, I would have to say this is the greatest movie I have ever seen.<br /></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/5220419413165636934-3869983036192817870?l=jiggscasey-movie-reviews.blogspot.com'/></div>slappyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04164998357718548360noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5220419413165636934.post-41592217749723419432007-09-29T11:50:00.001-04:002008-12-09T19:36:44.436-05:00<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/Rv50sJtwCbI/AAAAAAAAAQc/ttn2Zv3_czY/s1600-h/nextkaratekid.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/Rv50sJtwCbI/AAAAAAAAAQc/ttn2Zv3_czY/s400/nextkaratekid.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5115654528610339250" border="0" /></a><br />Starring:<br />Hilary Swank<br />Pat Morita<br /><br />Plot summary: Ralph Macchio is back, and this time he's Hilary Swank!<br /><div id="[0007]toggle" class="" menu="" collapse="" r="" readmorelink="" style="margin-bottom: 5px; display: inline;"><br /><a id="[0007]link" href='javascript:blockon("[0007]","[0007]link","[0007]toggle")'>Read more/less</a><br /></div><br /><div id="[0007]" class="readmore" style="padding: 0px 5px; display: none;"><br />After Ralph Macchio turned 40 and demanded a raise to $8.50/hr, it became clear that he had to be replaced. So director Christopher Cain, of Young Guns fame, cast Hilary Swank. This was genius, for not only did Hilary open up the Karate Kid franchise to a new, younger, more female generation, she is also incredibly hot. (Note: Don't worry, she is 19 during filming)<br /><br />Sure, the franchise may be a bit old at this point. Sure, only about ten people saw Karate Kid III in the theatres. But they still have Miyagi. Miyagi is the Yoda of the Karate Kid world: short, wise, powerful, green, cryptic. Shorter than Tom Cruise, stronger than Nicole Kidman, Miyagi is the hub on which the movie turns.<br /><br />The film opens with Miyagi in Boston accepting a citation for his service in the 442nd during WWII. Apparently he was a sergeant, even though he was Okinawa born and would have had his ass in an internment camp in WWII. But what the hell, it's as logical a means as any to put an Asian in Boston. He goes to visit Louisa Pierce (Constance Towers), the widow of his army buddy, and meets Hilary Swank, playing sneering high schooler Julie Pierce. Miyagi senses the pain in young Hilary, orphaned, raised by her grandmother, so he tries to convince Louisa to go to California for two weeks and let him take care of Hilary. Minutes later, she's on a plane.<br /><br />Now with the old woman out of the way, Christopher Cain is ready to establish the softer side of Hilary Swank. Hilary breaks into the school after hours to feed an injured hawk she stowed away on the rooftop. She has named the hawk Angel and has long conversations with it. Before we get to the part where she says, "Injured hawk, you're my only friend," Hilary is interrupted by the cops. Illustrating her catlike reflexes and steel trap mind, she eludes the cops using a modified "Superman" maneuver: throwing her flashlight in their general direction. Running home, she sneers at Miyagi a little before going to bed.<br /><br />We join her at high school to learn why she acts like such a raging bitch-troll. Somehow she has become the enemy of the Alpha Elite, a tightly disciplined service club whose members all wear the same black uniforms. This fascist organization is led by Colonel Dugan, played by Michael Ironside, who parlayed this role into a spot in Starship Troopers. Dugan's blackshirt army has somehow given him enough power that he outranks the principal, and is able to use his unholy influence to put Julie on sudden death probation. One more screw up and she is suspended. To compound the situation, one of the blackshirts has a personal vendetta against Hilary. Ned (Michael Cavalieri) either wants to kill or screw Hilary. He repeatedly tells her to meet him at the docks. "You know what happens at the docks, don't you, Julie?" His eerie sexual harassment is cut short by Eric McGowen (Chris Conrad, who would go on to play Johnny Cage in the Mortal Kombat sequel). Eric is the good little Hitler youth, only in the organization to try to get in the Air Force Academy.<br /><br />We learn to like Eric at an Alpha Elite after school meeting, which consists of Dugan beating the crap out of his blackshirts consecutively and concurrently. Eric refuses to fight Dugan, and alienates himself from the squad for his lack of violence and suicidal machismo. Eric is stupid, cute, and all over Hilary. He tends to play a passive-aggressive courtship strategy, letting her make all the moves. Obviously, the theme of the movie is feminist power. That and bared midriffs. And oh, what a midriff. Remember, she's 19. It's okay.<br /><br />Meanwhile Miyagi attempts to develop Hilary's ass whooping ability so she can stand up to the small army of bullies devoted to making her life a living hell. The beauty of this movie is the familiarity of the plot with a few twists on the formula, namely wicked booty and a hawk. He haggles a deal with her to exchange karate lessons for her doing her homework. He starts with the famous "wax the car" routine, but we discover that Hilary is not nearly as gullible as Ralph was. So Miyagi has to become much more clever at psychologically tormenting his student, and he has her babysit the three juvenile delinquents next door. A Home Alone Nerf product placement montage follows, and Miyagi enters to give Hilary the theme of the movie. He tells her if she gets mad she should repeat, "Sun is warm, grass is green," borrowing from his successful anger management program for people with severe head injuries.<br /><br />In the original Karate Kid we learned that an opponent that leads with his face can be defeated with the crane kick. In Karate Kid Part II we appreciated the power of the drum. Karate Kid Part III we learned to never sweep the leg. Next Karate Kid? Sun is warm, grass is green. Think about it, won't you?<br /><br />Sun is warm, grass is green does not keep Hilary out of trouble, though, and she gets put on a two week suspension. This provides Miyagi the opportunity to get Hilary out of the city and off to a Buddhist temple for training. En route he finds a hicksville gas station where he sends Hilary inside to get a candy bar. She gets frightened by Joey the Doberman, which means at long last we get to see Miyagi do his Miyagi thing. First he hypnotizes Joey the Doberman, drawing the ire of the hick gas station attendants. He beats down two of the gas station attendants using the third attendant as a weapon. Once they get to the Buddhist temple, Miyagi rings the bell and waits outside for a few hours, kind of like Fight Club without the verbal abuse.<br /><br />Here at the Buddhist temple, far away from Boston, Hilary can focus on her karate training, and Miyagi can enjoy not being the only Asian. While we get to know the monks such as Tall Monk (Jim Ishida), Buddhist Monk (Seth Sakai), and Monk (Rodney Kageyama), Miyagi has Hilary repeatedly jump kick from one rock to another, landing on her ass in the sand over and over. Further training for Hilary involves her standing in a barn blindfolded while monks throw sandbags at her. Eventually she wears down and sees the light. She starts waxing Miyagi's car. After a couple weeks Hilary becomes a karate master, and receives a birthday present from the monks as well. She gets to watch one of the monks (I think it was Tall Monk) shoot an arrow at Miyagi's heart, which Miyagi plucks out of the air inches before the Karate Kid franchise is permanently ended.<br /><br />Leaving the Circus Monks behind, Hilary and Miyagi head back to Boston in time for prom. Miyagi buys a prom dress as a surprise for Hilary and tries not to look like a sexual deviant. This is a close call since he picks out a dress that is a lot like the Seven Year Itch dress except a miniskirt. After giving it to her he teaches her how to waltz by mixing the dance steps with karate, kind of like Tae Bo without the marketing empire. Hopefully she won't accidentally kill Eric during their first dance. Eric comes to pick Hilary up, is greeted at the door by a monk (I believe Monk this time) and finds Miyagi cutting vegetables in the kitchen. He is a little rattled from negotiating a curfew with a knife-wielding master of the deadly arts, and inadvertently says that after the prom, "I will treat her with respect for one hour," possibly the greatest curfew negotiation with a knife-wielding master of the deadly arts line in movie history. After the two crazy kids go off to the prom, Miyagi takes his monk friends out bowling. In a sequence that undoubtedly inspired Kingpin, they get embroiled in a tense bowling contest against a team that apparently bowls a 12 average.<br /><br />We then cut to the prom, and after Hilary avoids severing Eric's spine with Miyagi's karate waltz, the movie threatens to slow down from its rollercoaster pace. Luckily, the Alpha Elite blackshirts break up the dance with a bungee jumping exhibition. One of the fascist bungee jumpers violates the third law of bungee jumping: never bungee jump directly above a gazebo or gazebo-like structure. He crashes right into it, breaking his arm. This puts a damper on the festivities and Eric and Hilary leave to show some respect for an hour or so.<br /><br />Eric drives Hilary home, and share a tender moment before a monster jeep lurks around the corner. Alpha Elite blackshirts jump out of the jeep and bust his car windows. The gauntlet thus thrown, Eric must go to meet Ned at the docks. "You know what happens at the docks, don't you, Julie?" Well, apparently not sex. Eric meets with Ned and the rest of the blackshirts for a fight to the death, and we learn why Eric didn't want to fight earlier in the movie. He's really, really bad at it. Within seconds Ned has Eric bloodied and down on the ground, when Colonel Dugan cries "Finish him off!" Without the widespread popularity of Mortal Kombat that we now enjoy, his little fascists only stare at him in confusion, refusing to kill. Hilary enters the fight to simultaneously save and emasculate her man by beating the living crap out of Ned.<br /><br />One of the most important features of the Scriptomatic supercomputer that generated all of the Karate Kid movies is the showdown of the masters. Dugan, abandoned by his blackshirts, challenges Miyagi to a fight. Giving up three feet and a hundred pounds, the wily Miyagi nonetheless is able to dispatch Dugan in a comical manner.<br /><br />If you love karate, kids, or just Hilary Swank, The Next Karate Kid is for you. I would have to say that this is the greatest movie I have ever seen.<br /></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/5220419413165636934-4159221774972341943?l=jiggscasey-movie-reviews.blogspot.com'/></div>slappyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04164998357718548360noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5220419413165636934.post-46112408213168078352007-09-23T00:14:00.000-04:002008-12-09T19:36:45.033-05:00<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/RvXpCnTnf-I/AAAAAAAAAQE/JGLvOcNWqIE/s1600-h/octagon.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/RvXpCnTnf-I/AAAAAAAAAQE/JGLvOcNWqIE/s320/octagon.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5113249183069339618" border="0" /></a><br />Starring:<br />Chuck Norris<br />Lee Van Cleef<br /><br />Plot summary: Chuck Norris beats the hell out of a lot of people in the ultimate action suspense movie.<br /><div id="[0006]toggle" class="" menu="" collapse="" r="" readmorelink="" style="margin-bottom: 5px; display: inline;"><br /><a id="[0006]link" href='javascript:blockon("[0006]","[0006]link","[0006]toggle")'>Read more/less</a><br /></div><br /><br /><div id="[0006]" class="readmore" style="padding: 0px 5px; display: none;"><br />Most suspense movies fall apart because you are able to predict where the story is going. Being kept on edge is the appeal, hence the name. Director Eric Karson realizes that understanding is the natural enemy of suspense. If the audience has any idea what is going on in the movie, the film is no longer suspenseful. The Octagon is a 103 minute masterpiece of keeping the audience from figuring out anything about the plot, characters, motivations or dialogue.<br /><br />Chuck Norris stars as a retired martial arts champion named Scott James, a departure from his usual role as a regular guy who by chance is also a martial arts expert. Throughout the film Chuck provides exposition using the time honored narrative technique of echoed whispers. Not only does it make the most basic of plot devices spooky and otherworldly, it makes half of his words unintelligible, keeping the audience gripped in suspense, trying to figure out who a new character is and why Chuck just kicked him in the head.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/RvXpIXTnf_I/AAAAAAAAAQM/bLe6iNcIaLw/s1600-h/octagon-ambassador.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/RvXpIXTnf_I/AAAAAAAAAQM/bLe6iNcIaLw/s320/octagon-ambassador.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5113249281853587442" border="0" /></a>The movie opens with a well orchestrated crime. Big deal, right? So does any other suspense, action, action/suspense or romantic comedy. The twist is that it's a terrorist assassination. Of the Canadian ambassador to France. That has never happened before in film history. I had to do some fact checking to determine if there actually is a Canadian ambassador to France. As of the time of publication, he is Raymond Chrétien.<br /><br />Right after that, Chuck meets a hot ballet dancer when he notices her using martial arts techniques in her show. It turns out that she learned them from her ninja assassin brother. Incidentally, I am a firm believer that a ninja assassin/ballet dancer brother/sister crime fighting team would make the greatest movie of all time, and I always have been. At any rate, Chuck gets drawn in because of possible ties from her brother to Seikura, Chuck's brother and fellow student of the deadly arts. Plus she's really hot. Anyways, she dies before you can get a handle on her name, so you have to refer to her as the hot ballet dancer, which is actually how they list her in the credits.<br /><br />Then we meet Lee Van Cleef, playing McCarn, an anti-terrorist mercenary that has a bumper sticker that says "Have You Hugged Your Rifle Today?" He is possibly the cheeriest assassin I've ever seen in a movie, and never fails to smile when vaguely threatening someone, warning someone of impending doom, or shooting someone in the head. Sort of a guardian angel in the film, he appears randomly to advise Chuck on dealing with Seikura's army, save his friends, or shoot a half dozen ninja assassins.<br /><br />Chuck then meets Justine, a young woman wearing a fur coat on a sunny day who is having car problems. Specifically her car is on the dirt shoulder. Chuck helps her back onto the road and then she drives off with his keys as part of an elaborate pick up scheme. He goes to her house to get them back later, where she is still wearing a fur coat in order to signify her role as the capitalist oppressor. The daughter of an assassinated European publisher, she has hired out Lee Van Cleef as protection. She hopes Chuck will kill Seikura and stop his deadly band of ninja assassins. She tries to seduce him with offers of sex, money, and incomprehensible dialogue like "I have the most confident looking cheekbones," said in an ironic and self-effacing manner, I think.<br /><br />His worst fears confirmed, that his childhood buddy has indeed opened a ninja assassin school, Chuck must do what all action heroes do in this situation. Join the organization in the hopes of killing everyone from the inside. He answers their classified ad, where we find that the front end of the ninja assassin school is run by the tux-wearing Mr. Beady and his assistant, a cowboy. They share the office space with a square dancing class, which would only be a marginally less weird front end. Mr. Cowboy doesn't like Chuck from the start, repeatedly saying about Chuck, "He looks like the constipated type." I believe this is an early 80's vague threat. That or a come on.<br /><br />Now technically what Chuck joins is Doggo's mercenary terrorist outfit, sort of a temp agency of death to whom Seikura has outsourced his personnel decisions. But they seem to be all part of the rich tapestry in any case. Chuck is apparently a fairly well known, seeing as how everyone in the Doggo's clan already knows him. Three or four of Doggo's men recognize him as a martial arts master, and so challenge him in hand to hand combat. Chuck beats them down easily, thus elevating his position in the herd and increasing his mating chances.<br /><br />And thus he meets Laura, a sweet brunette with a widow's peak as vicious as her jump kick to the crotch. We find she was looking for meaning in a meaningless world, so made the the all-too-common transition from hog farmer to highly trained killer. She holds out for almost five minutes before throwing herself repeatedly at a disinterested Chuck.<br /><br />Chuck shows us the delicate line between world-wise cynicism and just not giving a shit about any living thing. This strength and indifference draws in the psychologically disadvantaged women of the film, driving them to throw themselves into his arms and randomly exclaim meaningless interjections.<br /><br />Chuck interrupts the plot for a flashback and in echoed whispers tells us how Seikura fell out of favor with Chuck and the rest of the martial arts community at such a young age. Seikura challenged Chuck to a fight after losing a classic martial arts obstacle course that apparently inspired the final round of American Gladiators. This apparently offended the master who drove him out of house and home and on the long lonely path of ninja assassin professorship.<br /><br />And speaking of hair, The Octagon clearly illustrates the power of big hair. Chuck Norris's hair (left) is almost 35% bigger than his better known works Delta Force and Delta Force 2. Justine decides to seduce Chuck's friend AJ (middle) into trying to kill Seikura when she finds out he is (a) stupider and (b) of bigger hair than even Chuck. And then there's Seikura himself (right), who proves that the Asian fro was never a good idea.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/RvXpT3TngAI/AAAAAAAAAQU/OMFK72Yrwz8/s1600-h/octagon-hair.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/RvXpT3TngAI/AAAAAAAAAQU/OMFK72Yrwz8/s400/octagon-hair.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5113249479422083074" /></a><br />Meanwhile, Laura finally gets Chuck into the sack, which of course is the action movie signal for the beginning of the apocalyptic confrontation between evil martial arts master and morally ambiguous martial arts master. AJ decides to attack the ninja headquarters on his own, so blinded by booty he forgets the usual fate of the hero's best friend. He lasts almost four seconds before being captured by ninjas disguised as shrubbery. Laura infiltrates the camp armed with a large stick and an automatic rifle. Chuck rushes in and is able to kill, maim, and embarrass about 40 or 50 ninja trainees before falling prey to the advanced tactic of rushing a man in large groups.<br /><br />Seikura watches on as Chuck is forced to travel an obstacle course of death while killing the ninjas hiding behind every corner. His assistant, who could win a casting call for Mr. Miyagi's evil twin, holds AJ at knifepoint. Then Chuck must leap from floating platform of death to floating platform of death in a loving tribute to Frogger. At long last Chuck gets to the last level of the death game, forced to match steel with a ninja swordsman wearing a Mexican wrestler style mask who threateningly hisses at him. Chuck kills him a couple times, but the hissing swordsman is unfazed. After Chuck kills him a third time and sets him on fire, it sticks.<br /><br />However, Chuck is still held captive. There are plenty of ninjas around, even though Chuck has singlehandedly ended at least a hundred by now. You have to hand it to Doggo's temp agency of death. Seikura finally does the gene pool the favor of killing AJ, and Chuck is pretty much toast on a stick. But then Doggo's mercenary group attacks the ninja camp, underscoring the infamous schism between ninja assassins and mercenary terrorists. We find that, in this movie at least, automatic weapons are surprisingly useful against the ninja. Doggo is of course attacking out of resentment for his subordinate role to Seikura. Or it might have been a power play to take over the organization. Or he might just have been psychotic. Chuck probably whispered why, but I lost it in the echoes.<br /><br />The important thing is that this allows Seikura to flee into the woods and Chuck to follow. They play hide and seek just like the old days, with deadly intent. Chuck comes to grips with the demons of his past, calling out, "You don't torment me anymore, Seikura. This time I'm gonna kill you." In keeping with the themes of the movie, Seikura rushes Chuck from behind and dies on Chuck's sword. But then you realize that Chuck is the one who suffered the deadly blow. For a short while you suspect that maybe both of them die. Then Seikura falls and Chuck starts whispering as the movie fades to black.<br /><br />Keeping you guessing until the final moments, and then for several minutes afterwards, I would have to say that The Octagon is the greatest movie I have ever seen.<br /></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/5220419413165636934-4611240821316807835?l=jiggscasey-movie-reviews.blogspot.com'/></div>slappyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04164998357718548360noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5220419413165636934.post-58707739237969380152007-09-14T19:42:00.000-04:002008-12-09T19:36:46.426-05:00<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/RusdDgIibOI/AAAAAAAAAOY/YKIPGlYBY-E/s1600-h/joevsvolcano.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/RusdDgIibOI/AAAAAAAAAOY/YKIPGlYBY-E/s320/joevsvolcano.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5110210148184517858" /></a><br />Starring:<br />Tom Hanks<br />Meg Ryan<br />Meg Ryan<br />Meg Ryan<br />Lloyd Bridges<br />Robert Stack<br />Abe Vigoda<br /><br />Plot summary: Tom Hanks tries to save Abe Vigoda's tropical island by jumping in a volcano.<br /><div id="[0005]toggle" class="" menu="" collapse="" r="" readmorelink="" style="margin-bottom: 5px; display: inline;"><br /><a id="[0005]link" href='javascript:blockon("[0005]","[0005]link","[0005]toggle")'>Read more/less</a><br /></div><br /><div id="[0005]" class="readmore" style="padding: 0px 5px; display: none;"><br />People always talk about how great an actor Tom Hanks is, and with good reason. Ever devoted to his roles, he lost 200 pounds for his role in Castaway, became an alcoholic for A League of Their Own, and underwent a slight lobotomy to play Forrest Gump. But this overlooks his earlier works, such as Joe Versus the Volcano, the greatest movie he ever made.<br /><br />This movie also stars Meg Ryan, Meg Ryan, and Meg Ryan in a rare triple role, reminiscent of Alec Guiness, Peter Sellers, or Eddie Murphy. We see her as a brunette, redhead, and blonde, covering all the Meg Ryan fantasy bases. We start with Meg Ryan the dull, a mousy brunette named DeDe working in Tom Hanks' office.<br /><br />A shaggy mulleted Tom Hanks plays Joe Banks, who works for a rectal probe factory where he keeps track of the catalogues. I guess it could be worse. In this nightmare of equal parts 1984, Brazil and The Desk Set, modern office workers get a glimpse of how bad things would be without cubicles, having to stare at your fellow doomed keyboard jockeys. It employs the seven shades of ugly lit by fluorescent lighting set to four or five cycles per second. The coat rack is broken, the non dairy creamer resembles chalk, and his boss, played by consummate loud bastard Dan Hedaya, does nothing but scream. Tom deals with this madness by doing nothing, save wallowing in a severe hypochondria. A distant cousin of mine that no longer gets invited to the family reunions (or so I hear) once said, "Apathy is next to godliness." Tom lives this life to Platonic perfection, not even bothering to half ass his job between his constant medical appointments.<br /><br />Tom goes to see Dr. Ellison, played by Robert Stack. Another big time Hollywood actor, Robert has worked for 60 years in over 80 films, and is best known today as that guy who wore two pairs of sunglasses in Airplane. Robert tells Tom that due to a "brain cloud" Tom has but six months to live. Hitting Tom like a bolt of lightning, the realization sets him free: now he doesn't have to give a shit for the rest of his life.<br /><br />He starts by going back to the office of doom. He busts some shit up and grabs a mannequin arm off of his boss's desk. He proceeds to smack his boss around in a manner almost like the Three Stooges except funny, acting out the all-American fantasy of beating the crap out of Dan Hedaya with a mannequin arm. Tom then asks Meg out. His newfound free spiritedness intoxicates her, and he has everything going for him back at his place until he makes the all too common mistake of telling her he has six months to live. Not willing to sleep with him after hearing the news, she leaves our hero with his thoughts.<br /><br />Like all good slackers, Tom sits around and waits for something to happen. Lloyd Bridges happens. Lloyd Bridges, well known from Airplane as well as Hot Shots Part Deux, has been Hollywood's best senile method actor since 1987. Here he plays Samuel Graynamore, capitalist oppressor. He offers Tom a chance to jump into a volcano (the "Woo") in order to appease the angry gods so he can buy superconductor raw materials off of the orange soda loving inhabitants of the seismically threatened South Pacific island of Waponi-Woo. Tom contemplates, and says, "Alright, I'll do it," with a heroic shrug.<br /><br />In exchange for this Tom gets to run up Graynamore's gold card in New York, cavort for a day in LA, and then take his yacht to Waponi-Woo. When Tom realizes he lacks the will to decide on a new look, Marshall the limo driver helps him on with some Banana Republic clothes and off with the shaggy mullet in sort of a Pretty Woman thing without the oral sex. Tom also discovers the perfect luggage, an important message of the film. He finds a hand crafted steamer trunk, water tight, indestructible- the luggage of the gods.<br /><br />Tom lands in LA, and meeting him at the airport is the second coming of Meg: Meg Ryan the space cadet. Here we encounter the universal dream of a second chance, as well as the universal dream of finding a cute girl who is not so uptight about the brain cloud thing. Graynamore's daughter, artist, and imagist poet, Meg Ryan the space cadet has it all, plus she's a redhead. We learn that in addition to that sweet Southern accent we saw in Top Gun, she is also capable of some form of accent that may be Southern Californian. At the end of the evening she drives him back to his hotel and offers to come up, but Tom turns down her offer of hot monkey lovin, proving that sometimes the girl is just too damned stupid.<br /><br />The next morning Meg Ryan the space cadet delivers Tom to the docks, where she turns him over to Meg Ryan the feisty and self confident but somehow sensitive and alluring. This illustrates the universal dream of a third chance as well as the universal dream of that cute girl not being such a mental freak job. On the yacht, they fish, bicker, and fall in love during one particularly eventful day. Sadly, a typhoon ruins their fifteen day tour, their fifteen day tour, and Tom jumps overboard to save Meg after she gets washed over the side. Holding her unconscious body, he watches the boat snap in half like the model it really is.<br /><br />The luggage survives the sinking and Tom lashes them together to make a nice, roomy raft. Tom uses the only water he packed to keep Meg the feisty alive, while he is driven mad by dehydration and executive stress toys. Meg finally awakens, and they float straight to Waponi-Woo. Sometimes life is just funny that way.<br /><br />Here on Waponi-Woo, we meet the chief. Through the genius that only the insane can wield effectively, Abe Vigoda is cast in the role. Everything that has transpired thus far is prelude to this man. I mean, Tom and Meg are lovely, no doubt, but let's face it, Mr. Vigoda is delightful in everything he does. From Tessio in The Godfather to Otis in Good Burger, Mr. Vigoda is cinema gold. They have a grand feast rivaled only by the Ewok celebration in Jedi, at the end of which Tom declares, "Take me to the volcano!"<br /><br />Meg is rather annoyed by her newfound love's desire for suicide, so she chases after the procession to force him to see reason. At the mouth of the Woo, she tells him she loves him. He tells her he loves her, but her timing is lousy. As he gets ready to jump, she proposes. Mr. Vigoda is called forward to conduct the ceremony. "You want to marry her? You want to marry him? You're married." After stealing yet another scene, Mr. Vigoda retreats to the background, a consummate professional.<br /><br />Tom decides he is going to jump since he came out this way and might as well, and Meg decides to join him. Tom brings apathy into everything he does. He transcends acting as though his character doesn't care to the point that you can believe that he himself truly doesn't care. They jump. A blast from the volcano shoots them high into the sky and towards the open ocean. Luckily, gravity forgets to accelerate them to the speeds where hitting the water is equivalent to hitting concrete. The flaming hot jet also forgets to scorch their flesh. With even the basic laws of physics and reason feeling indifferent, our couple splashes down gently into the South Pacific.<br /><br />In the movie's tragic climax, the two turn around and watch the Woo erupt and sink the island, striking down Mr. Vigoda in his prime. Several hundred villagers are also presumed dead. Apparently, the luggage was also fired into the air moments before Tom and Meg were, since the four pieces of luggage pop to the surface about fifteen feet away from them. Again, life is just funny sometimes.<br /><br />A few pieces of bungee later, the two are floating again. Tom explains to Meg that their marriage is doomed because of his brain cloud, and Meg explains to Tom that he is a flaming moron for believing that there is such a medical condition as a brain cloud. Meg has spoken, Tom will live. We close the movie on the universal dream of a second chance at life. As well as the universal dream of being stranded without food or water, floating on luggage in the South Pacific with a feisty blonde Meg Ryan.<br /><br />We learn that the most powerful force in the world is not hope, love, nor money. It is apathy and possibly good luggage. A useful moral and Mr. Vigoda? I would have to say that Joe Versus the Volcano is the greatest movie I have ever seen.<br /><br /></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/5220419413165636934-5870773923796938015?l=jiggscasey-movie-reviews.blogspot.com'/></div>slappyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04164998357718548360noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5220419413165636934.post-89211003270638084412007-09-06T18:59:00.000-04:002008-12-09T19:36:46.715-05:00<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/RuCHx5iEbmI/AAAAAAAAAOA/LvC8Jxa0lok/s1600-h/crybaby.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/RuCHx5iEbmI/AAAAAAAAAOA/LvC8Jxa0lok/s320/crybaby.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5107231268765199970" border="0" /></a><br />Starring:<br />Johnny Depp<br />Traci Lords<br />Ricki Lake<br />Iggy Pop<br /><br />Plot summary: John Waters directs the best 1950s Baltimore musical ever.<br /><div id="[0004]toggle" class="" menu="" collapse="" r="" readmorelink="" style="margin-bottom: 5px; display: inline;"><br /><a id="[0004]link" href='javascript:blockon("[0004]","[0004]link","[0004]toggle")'>Read more/less</a><br /></div><br /><div id="[0004]" class="readmore" style="padding: 0px 5px; display: none;"><br />In 1990 John Waters did what other directors have only dreamt of: assembling a cast of Johnny Depp post-21 Jump Street, Traci Lords post-porn movies, Ricki Lake pre-trash TV, and Iggy Pop post-his career. He even got the guy who played Ed on Northern Exposure. Now, with the best ensemble cast since The Godfather, it's obvious that this is going to be a classic.<br /><br />This satire of musical romantic comedies is set in Baltimore, Maryland. Following John Water's attention to detail and devotion to authenticity, this film is entirely shot on location in the greater Baltimore region, and to hell with the costs. Johnny Depp shines as the rockabilly singer Wade "Cry-Baby" Walker, so named because he has the ability to let a single drop of glycerine trickle down his cheek when he wants a chick to dig his groove thing.<br /><br />Cry-Baby is the leader of the "drapes," which is apparently Baltimore slang for "greasy punks." Ricki plays his sister Pepper, a trailer park underage unwed teen mom who is currently pregnant to boot, foreshadowing her future career doing shows like, "Your Momma is a Ho-Bag." Traci Lords plays Wanda, a tight sweatered slut. Insert your own joke here: _______. The dude who played Ed on Northern Exposure plays a greasy punk. Despite the urgings of his friends to fall for a nice leather jacketed tramp, Cry-Baby falls for a "square," apparently Baltimore slang for "square," named Allison. So you see it has a very Romeo and Juliet quality to it, except it really doesn't.<br /><br />Allison is warned that "evil is in his blood," but she can't help wanting Cry-Baby. Beyond the fact that he is Johnny Depp, this preference is made clear when we meet her ex, Baldwin. He looks like a Baldwin. In the scene where his doo-wop group lip synchs to the Crew Cuts' cover of "Sh-Boom," they are actually whiter than the Crew Cuts, which is impressive since the Crew Cuts were professional white people. She escapes the cult of conformity and decides to conform to the drapes' standards instead, telling Ricki "I want a bad girl makeover," foreshadowing Ricki's future career doing shows like, "I want a bad girl makeover."<br /><br />In contrast, Cry-Baby lip synchs to rockabilly, all dressed up in a shiny gold lamé oversized tux jacket a la pre-drug bloated Elvis. Ricki pretends to play the drums, the guy who was Ed pretends to play the bass, and Traci Lords actually fakes the triangle. They play for a huge dance at Turkey Point with a small army of pompadoured dancers- I swear Brian Setzer is in there as an extra. It all turns into a riot when the squares, led by revenge-minded khaki-wearing Baldwin, roll a flaming motorcycle down a hill into the dance and attack the drapes like Gap Visigoths.<br /><br />Cry-Baby does time for the fight, singled out for no reason other than him being a no good punk. He ends up in the Maryland Training School for Boys, a juvenile facility filled with inmates who are very old and surprisingly good backup singers. Very well choreographed too, especially when you consider how tight their jeans are.<br /><br />It wouldn't be a 50s teenager movie without a game of chicken. Since Baltimore is low on cliffs, Cry-Baby decides to have the duel by driving the two cars head on at each other. Cry-Baby rides on top, heroically lip-synching his heart out. Cry-Baby's driver is the last one to turn away, to the delight of all the pomp-sporting drape punks. And in a heart warming conclusion, Ricki Lake, riding in the back seat, delivers her bastard child, foreshadowing her future career doing shows like "White Trash on Parade."<br /><br />In conclusion, I would have to say that this is the greatest movie I have ever seen.<br /></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/5220419413165636934-8921100327063808441?l=jiggscasey-movie-reviews.blogspot.com'/></div>slappyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04164998357718548360noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5220419413165636934.post-53653246009376579252007-08-28T18:09:00.001-04:002008-12-09T19:36:46.956-05:00<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/RtSdqZiEbkI/AAAAAAAAANw/0rold0PAxdA/s1600-h/chuckgun.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/RtSdqZiEbkI/AAAAAAAAANw/0rold0PAxdA/s320/chuckgun.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5103877629451464258" border="0" /></a><br />Starring Charlton Heston<br /><br />Plot Summary: Charlton Heston may be the last man on earth, but at least he still has a lot of mutants around to kill.<br /><div id="[0003]toggle" class="" menu="" collapse="" r="" readmorelink="" style="margin-bottom: 5px; display: inline;"><br /><a id="[0003]link" href='javascript:blockon("[0003]","[0003]link","[0003]toggle")'>Read more/less</a><br /></div><br /><div id="[0003]" class="readmore" style="padding: 0px 5px; display: none;"><br />Omega Man features Charlton Heston in the midst of his "post apocalyptic nightmare world" period, bookended by Planet of the Apes and Soylent Green. This time the apocalypse is brought about by biological warfare. Chuck Heston plays an army officer. Okay. More specifically, he was an experimental doctor researching vaccines against the man made plague unleashed upon the earth by full scale biological Armageddon. That's a bit of a stretch, although in the flashback scenes he makes one of the most intense medical researchers since Christopher Walken's stunning role as Louis Pasteur.<br /><br />So let's look at the first plot point, told in flashback about three years prior, when the world is destroyed and Chuck is spared. The plague is winning, and people standing outside die about ten seconds after first contact. Chuck is researching intensely, and decides to personally escort the delivery of an experimental vaccine by helicopter. The pilot once airborne breathes, chokes for ten seconds, and promptly dies. The helicopter, sans pilot, crashes in a ball of flame. Chuck intensely crawls away, suffering minor cuts and bruises but otherwise unharmed by the fiery helicopter crash. Perhaps he was thrown clear, but mainly he survives by virtue of being Charlton Heston. He jabs the vaccine in his thigh and lo! is rendered immune to the plague.<br /><br />A film, however, starring Charlton Heston as the only man on earth would be kinda boring, so the plot twist is that the plague doesn't necessarily kill after ten seconds. For a few select individuals, the plague turns them into psychotic albino creatures of the night. They band together to form The Family, led by Matthias (Anthony Zerbe). Their purpose is to cleanse the earth of science and technology by killing all who oppose them and burning everything ever written, much like the Christian Coalition.<br /><br />But back to Chuck. In response to claims that he can only play biblical figures and assholes, he displays the third role he is well suited for: 100% Pure Lunatic. In the opening scenes as he scavenges through the empty city, he passes the time carrying on witty and urbane conversations with corpses, statues, and a host of inanimate objects. In time we learn that most of the daylight hours are spent hunting down The Family's daytime home so he can slaughter them all in their sleep. He does this in part to try and salvage some meaning to his life in a meaningless world, part to defend humanity or at least the memory of humanity, and part because he is completely insane. This leads to conflict between Chuck and the unholy army of the night. All hours after sunset are spent defending his Victorian apartment building home from their relentless attacks. You may start to wonder what damage is done when a man doesn't sleep for two years. The answer to that is the same reason that the biggest TV screen on his panel of security cameras is focused on… himself: He is completely insane.<br /><br />So Chuck, always armed with a really big semiautomatic pistol or IR-scoped snipers rifle, spends his days hunting mutants and his nights being attacked by them. This film has actually been re-released by the NRA under a new title: "Guns: Our Only Defense Against Mutants in a Post-Apocalyptic Nightmare World." More proof that Chuck Heston may have played Moses, but is clearly God, or at least a god: The mutants have known for years exactly where he lives, and yet Chuck holds off their nightly attacks with a gun in one hand and a fire extinguisher in the other. Why the mutants can't successfully destroy a 4-story Victorian apartment building is unclear. Although they are opposed to technology as symbolized by the wheel, they seem perfectly okay with using a catapult to hurl flaming stones at the wooden apartment building. Chuck again holds them off with a fire extinguisher. Sadly, eventually the generator that powers the floodlights that keep the photophobic mutants at bay fails, and when Chuck goes to the basement to investigate, a mutant pushes a bookshelf down onto him, knocking the poor guy unconscious. He awakens, shirtless, tied to a stone slab in the middle of his trial. The courtroom drama is pretty short...<br /><br />Okay, I need to deal with this one. Charlton Heston is damn near 50 in this film, but as you can sort of see in this scene - and much more clearly later during the shirtless running scenes - he clearly has a six pack. This in the pre-computer generated graphics era.<br /><br />So back to the trial. Matthias finishes his speech by saying, "Take him to the little room." The little room is never good. It's never, "Take him to the little room, give him some cookies and punch, and then set him free." I mean, you know they're going to do evil mutant-ass things to Chuck. So eventually he finds himself tied to a stake. Being very pro-fire, the mutants decide to go the Joan of Arc route. At the very last moment, Chuck is freed by the Deus Ex Machina gang of normal humans. So apparently there are a few more normals in the world, and thus it is revealed that the plague actually can have a long dormant stage before leading to the psychotic albino stage. Genetic engineering at its best. Now this band trying to fight off the plague's tendency to turn people evil rescues/kidnaps Chuck. They consist of irrelevant characters and Lisa. Lisa (Rosalind Cash) is a young woman whose beauty is only surpassed by the size of her afro. I mean, this is one fine lookin woman, who has even graduated from the Pam Grier School of Blaxploitation with a major in ass-kicking and a minor in booty. While hopping on a motorcycle behind the equally sexy Charlton Heston, she puts a gun to his back and warns him, "If you just have to play James Bond, I'll bust your ass." Thus begins a love story that would eventually be retold by Spike Lee in Jungle Fever.<br /><br />So if you want to see Charlton Heston hauling around more guns in an even crazier manner than he does now with his NRA buddies, if you think that "honky" should return as the epithet of choice for white people, if you want to see the eternal struggle of normals versus albinos, Omega Man is the film for you. I would have to say that this is the greatest movie I have ever seen.<br /></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/5220419413165636934-5365324600937657925?l=jiggscasey-movie-reviews.blogspot.com'/></div>slappyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04164998357718548360noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5220419413165636934.post-84769323760789010482007-08-26T21:10:00.000-04:002008-12-09T19:36:47.368-05:00<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/RtIphZiEbiI/AAAAAAAAANg/6NKa8iwoITQ/s1600-h/robbo.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/RtIphZiEbiI/AAAAAAAAANg/6NKa8iwoITQ/s320/robbo.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5103186981530398242" border="0" /></a><br />Starring:<br />Frank Sinatra<br />Dean Martin<br />Sammy Davis Jr.<br />Bing Crosby<br /><br />Plot Summary: The Rat Pack screws around for 123 minutes.<br /><div id="[0002]toggle" class="" menu="" collapse="" r="" readmorelink="" style="margin-bottom: 5px; display: inline;"><br /><a id="[0002]link" href='javascript:blockon("[0002]","[0002]link","[0002]toggle")'>Read more/less</a><br /></div><br /><div id="[0002]" class="readmore" style="padding: 0px 5px; display: none;"><br />The Rat Pack. Gangland Chicago, circa 1920s. All this means one thing to me: Great hats. I mean, these guys have fedoras coming out the freakin yin yang.<br /><br />In this musical gangster comedy adapting the Robin Hood legend to Prohibition-era Chicago, the Rat Pack appears in slightly slimmed down form. Joey Bishop and Peter Lawford are dropped from the bill as punishment for stepping out of line, baby. The Chairman of the Board did not tolerate disloyalty in his kingdom of hip. So to replace these fellows we have Bing Crosby and Peter Falk. Now Falk I can deal with, but Bing Crosby? White Christmas Bing? The guy is like the anti-hipster, as close as I figure he is in the cast to make Frankie and the boys look even cooler. His character is the uptight secretary Allen A. Dale, because the director probably objected to the original name Super Weenie Boy.<br /><br />Edward G. Robinson also has a cameo in the opening as the mob boss of Chicago, until he is knocked off by Peter Falk and the combined casts of all three Godfather movies. It is the best thirty seconds an actor has ever had. He looks a little not well, actually he looks like he's been dead a few months, which he may have been in retrospect. If you don't believe me, take a look at the man in Soylent Green. The animatronics were incredible in any case.<br /><br />Peter Falk is perfect in the role of villain Guy Gisborne. Colombo never fails to delight in all his menacing cross-eyed magnificence. You may ask, "Why have I never seen Peter Falk sing in any of his numerous film and television appearances?" Well, watch Robin and the Seven Hoods and you will finally find out.<br /><br />But the movie is really not about them, or even about us. It's about Frankie, Dino and Sammy. In this film they play Frankie, Dino and Sammy. Technically, Sinatra plays Robbo, the mob crime boss with a heart of gold. This illustrates once again the secret to being hip is often just adding an -o to words. Frank takes on the role to prove he is the only man who can make Robbo sound like a cool name. Dean Martin staggers in as Little John, a hard drinking, womanizing pool shark from Indiana. This has always been cited as a major stretch for the actor since the guy was actually from Ohio. Sammy Davis Jr. plays the role of Will, a gun toting, tap dancing psychopath. His big scene is when he shoots up a casino all the while tapping an outrageous rhythm on the bar and singing "Bang-Bang." He is the NRA. You may notice that this makes a grand total of three hoods. For all intents and purposes, this may be true, but "Three Hoods" didn't have a good ring and "The Rat Pack Screws Around in Prohibition-Era Chicago" was struck down by the studio. So, in order to round out the cast, Frankie, Sammy and Dino are joined by Non-Descript Mob Guys 1 through 4. Some of the names of the Miscellaneous Thugs in either Frank or Colombo's mobs include Twitch, Soupmeat, Hatrack and Charlie Bananas, going to show that Frank just didn't care. And why should he? The Chairman of the Board does not tolerate sub-plots, baby. Sub-plots defined as scenes in which the Rat Pack is not prominently featured.<br /><br />And does it get any better than Frank walking out of the courthouse singing "My Kind of Town"? I have to agree with Frank. He captures the very essence of what is great about Chicago. I have never seen Chicago. The man is good.<br /><br />Let's move on to some of the more subtle themes in the film. For instance, women are evil. There really is only one woman in the film that's not a flapper showgirl getting hit on by Dino. That would be Barbara Rush as Marian Stevens, daughter of Big Jim and a no-good scheming broad. The shocking conclusion to the film, which as always I will now reveal, is that she teams up with Bing and takes all of Robbo's money. As far as I can tell, this is a commentary that even the un-hip can triumph over the hip when they combine forces with the no good scheming broad. It is truly a sobering moral that rivals that of Dr. Strangelove or Billy Madison. But don't cry for the Rat Pack, friends, Frankie and the boys still have their style, and their close harmony singing. I would have to say this is the greatest movie I have ever seen.<br /></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/5220419413165636934-8476932376078901048?l=jiggscasey-movie-reviews.blogspot.com'/></div>slappyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04164998357718548360noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5220419413165636934.post-10998001817518822212007-08-24T18:33:00.000-04:002008-12-09T19:36:47.708-05:00<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/Rs9dhZiEbhI/AAAAAAAAANY/fC6juLwdHCM/s1600-h/breaker.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_vHwQWAbEv4k/Rs9dhZiEbhI/AAAAAAAAANY/fC6juLwdHCM/s320/breaker.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5102399731204910610" border="0" /></a><br />Starring Chuck Norris<br /><br />Plot summary: Chuck Norris is a Zen trucker who must save his brother from a speed trap.<br /><br /><div id="[0001]toggle" class"menu collapse r readmorelink" style="margin-bottom: 5px; display: inline;"><br /><a id="[0001]link" href='javascript:blockon("[0001]","[0001]link","[0001]toggle")'>Read more/less</a><br /></div><br /><div id="[0001]" class="readmore" style="display: none; padding: 0px 5px;"><br />Breaker! Breaker! comes right out of the 1970s, embracing the era in all its decadent glory. And the glory of the 1970s was, of course, CB radio. Yes, cross country truckers were all the rage, their language capturing the American imagination even though it was clear from the start that they were making up every word of it as they went along. This movie brought that particular piece of Americana and mixed it in with the Zen martial arts of the great Chuck Norris in a rare beardless appearance. His first solo work after many years of being Bruce Lee's little cabana boy, this East meets West jewel starts out perfectly and never ceases to satisfy.<br /><br />Chuck Norris, Zen trucker John Dawes, sends his little brother Billy (played by a delightfully scampish Michael Augenstein) out on a short dry run. Billy is by the way a dirt bike enthusiast to make the period piece complete. Sadly, though, the youth falls into a speed trap, or a 10-73 if you speak trucker. This appears to be the main plot point, which is an odd status to award a speeding ticket. I'm pretty sure it symbolizes something.<br /><br />The little podunk town of twenty called Texas City, California, is actually a vast corrupt crime syndicate run by the mayor, Judge Trimmings. George Murdock plays this character with the subtle mixture of one part Enrst Blofeld from James Bond villain fame and one part Boss Hogg from the Dukes of Hazzard series. After arguing with the judge, assaulting several police officers and jumping through a plate glass window to escape the trial, Billy is captured by the evil townies. He gets locked away somewhere, or so you have to assume since you don't actually get to see him until the last few minutes of the film, but don't think that this will get on your nerves or anything. Chuck Norris rolls into town in search of his brother, driving a big ass van with a golden eagle painted on the side of it. I mean, a giant golden eagle! Nothing screams don't fuck with me like a giant golden eagle. Incidentally, the van looks remarkably similar to the Mystery Machine of Scooby Doo fame. Chuck proceeds to investigate, and by investigating I mean kicking the crap out of everyone in the town consecutively and concurrently. Somehow interspersed in all of the asswhooping, the director finds time to add about twenty or so subplots to the film. This is possibly to distract from the fact that he all but ignores the little brother that Chuck is whooping all the ass over in the first place.<br /><br />These subplots include the single mom waitress with a heart of gold that is wooed (nudge nudge) by Chuck and won over to his cause, her son who runs off into the Central Valley wilderness to escape the evil police force, a mildly retarded hick that is discernible from the merely brutally stupid hicks by virtue of a stutter, his caring brother who is the ruffian with a heart of gold, and a guy who randomly flies around in a helicopter a la Mad Max whose sole purpose in life is to justify a bunch of aerial shots of Chuck running around beating ass. You may want to take notes.<br /><br />After Chuck works his way through beating down everyone a couple times, one of the resident hicks realizes that repeatedly rushing a master of the deadly arts is not quite as effective as pointing a rifle at him. Outsmarted at last, Chuck Norris winds up in jail. Now with the hero immobilized, you'd think the plot would slow down. Actually it kinda disappears for about fifteen minutes - don't worry. The subplots more than take up for the slack, and soon you've forgotten all about poor Chuck and his brother, and for that matter, why you're watching the flick in the first place. Then when you finally give up all hope of understanding what the hell is going on, the cavalry is called in. Yes, the CB lingo talking cross country truckers themselves. Their plan to save Chuck from jail is apparently a scorched earth policy consisting of driving their big rigs through every building in town, eventually freeing or flattening him, either way really. As the cross country trucker cavalry is ripping shit up, all of the subplots converge. Not only that, but Chuck's kid brother Billy (Remember him? That's why Chuck is kicking the crap out of the town in the first place!) is found concealed in a barn and is reunited with his golden-haired ass-beating brother. Granted all of these subplots converge in the same minute and a half, so you may need to refer back to the copious notes you have taken throughout the film to have the slightest clue who the hell anyone is. The primary theme you will want to explore is economic freedom for the common man from corrupt government intervention, as symbolized by Chuck Norris delivering countless roundhouse kicks to the face of the local cops. I would have to say that Breaker! Breaker! is the greatest movie I have ever seen.<br /></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/5220419413165636934-1099800181751882221?l=jiggscasey-movie-reviews.blogspot.com'/></div>slappyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04164998357718548360noreply@blogger.com0