teens on parenting

Defining stupidity - more important than you think

2009-03-09T18:10:00.002-05:00

It's a fact of life that for the most part, teenagers are stupid and will always do stupid things. Our definition of "stupid," however, is usually more extreme than your version.

Parent's idea of stupid: doing drugs, speeding, hanging out past curfew (at least where I live)t, skipping class, and forgetting to turn in school assignments.

Our idea of stupid: bringing a homemade taser to school and shocking somebody with it, lighting a fire in the bathroom, and exploding firecrackers in the biology lab.

(These incidences have actually occurred at my school.)

See the difference? Your idea of stupid are actions we do that definitely hurt us. Our grades will suffer, we might get caught by the police, and we might overdose. You're concerned for our lives, and that's understandable, considering the kind of things we do. Even the most levelheaded of children will do stupid things (by parental standards). It's not that we don't understand it to be detrimental to our lives - sometimes we want to push a limit to get the adrenaline kick from it, or try out something new.

Our idea of stupid are actions we do that hurt others. It's okay if our classmates are sleeping in class or talking rudely to the teacher. But if they begin shocking people with tasers, it isn't about their selfishness causing a wreck on their lives anymore - it's ruining others'.

So why is clearly emphasizing a parent's and teenager's idea of stupidity important?

It explains why we sometimes think your punishments are injust, even if you think they're reasonable. Getting grounded for missing assignments? We won't stop whining until you add another week to our punishment. Getting our phone taken away for speeding? It'll embitter us for the rest of our teenage lives.

I'm not saying that you shouldn't punish us at all for this sort of stupidity. Obviously, we need to learn quickly that skipping class will negatively affect our grades and the likelihood of getting into a good college - something more important than ever due to our economic crisis. But this isn't something that merits two months of grounding. A warning that if we continue, we'll get our phone taken away should be good enough - it shows how serious you are without getting to the actual punishment part, and lets us see that there will definitely be consequences if we keep skipping. Just be sure to keep your word, or else we'll realize that we can weasel ourselves out of a mess.

Don't try to be the cool parent

2009-02-18T12:01:00.002-06:00

Trying to be the cool parent is something I see a lot of adults do. They overextend themselves in their attempts to be a "hip mom/dad," which actually doesn't do much in terms of a good parent/teenager relationship. Just try to be yourself, because:

1. It's still your job to instill rules and guide us along the right path. Being "cool" is not necessarily part of this.

2. You're our parent. We'll always be embarrassed by you no matter your personality - it's a fact of life.

----

A few weeks ago, a bunch of my friends went out to eat at Friday's. We had a good time, but it was dampened by the fact that Elias's mom was there, trying to jump in all of our conversations and attempting slang. I appreciated her efforts to try to get close to us. I did not appreciate the fact that conversations often became extremely awkward every time she began talking, and that Elias, who is normally a very gregarious and funny person, spent most of his time half-cowering at the table corner, unwilling to speak in his parents' presence.

Elias: (looking at the menu, joking) I want a margarita.
Janie: (going along with the joke) Margarita's for the weak. Have some vodka.
Elias's mom: You know, I can actually get some for you. I always say that I'd rather Elias's buddies drink where there are adults rather than at some crazy weekend party, right? Right, Elias?
Elias: (stiff laughter)

Don't be Elias's mom. Values are always more important than seeming cool to a bunch of immature teenagers.

AP Tests

2009-02-01T12:18:00.002-06:00

If your child isn't in AP classes right now, or your school doesn't offer them, right now you might want to consider taking AP tests.

An AP (Advanced Placement) test helps you get college credit. It goes over college material and deeper into the studies of classes your children are already taking - math, history, english, etc. Since we already know these basic subjects, it's a good idea to go ahead and buy a few AP test-prep books to prepare. The overall cost of studying and testing shouldn't be too extensive. Depending on circumstances and where you live, an AP test can cost about 50-100 dollars. That's mere pocket change when compared to the huge amounts of money college courses will cost, so it's still definitely worth taking the test.

The test is graded on a scale of 1-5, 1 being the lowest, and 5 being the highest. A few colleges still accept scores of 3 to gain college credits, but more colleges are only accepting 4's and 5's now. Because the test is graded on a national curve, it's entirely possible that your child can get a score of 60% correct on multiple choice and do averagely well on an essay, but still get a solid 4.

I highly suggest encouraging your teen to take a few tests in the subject areas that they're good in, for the following reasons:

1. The money you save will reach into the thousands. One girl at my school completed around 20 AP tests (all scores of 4's and 5's) and actually entered college as a sophomore. That's one year's worth of of tuition, boarding, and books her parents didn't have to pay for.

2. Getting college credit through AP tests will open up classes for your children in college. That way they can take courses they like instead of trudging through another exhausting year of math or history.

3. AP Test "season" is in May, right around when finals are. Preparation for the AP can also enhance studies for the school curriculum and might boost their score.

There may be a lot of hype about how scary and difficult the tests are, but as long as you're equipped with a good Kaplan or Princeton Review book, you should be fine. My grades in AP Human Geography my sophomore year weren't the prettiest things (mid 80's) but I got a 5 on the AP test after studying test-prep books religiously.

So go out today and talk to your child's counselor about the AP's. You won't regret it!

Self-esteem and grades

2009-01-07T17:50:00.003-06:00

I have a really sweet friend that's an all-around "good girl". She's the kind of person I often aspire to be, and I look to her as a role model. A few days ago, she confided to me that she was really worried about her grades, her PSATs, etc. She didn't have too much confidence in herself as a person, and didn't seem to see the many good qualities that other people see in her.

A lot of her esteem issues stem from her parents' overbearing manner and extreme strictness with her schoolwork. It's always a good thing to keep tabs on your children and keep them on the right track on grades, but when you overdo it, it may cause them to lose confidence. They'll get the idea that you don't trust them with anything and that they're not worth very much either.

I realize that when your child's grades seem to be slipping, and when they don't seem to have the perfect resume to get into top colleges, it's a reason to worry. But the best thing you can do at this time is to encourage them. Don't let your anger take you over and control your actions; instead, work together with your child to try and find a plan to help their grades improve.

For awhile, I myself didn't really have a good relationship with my dad because he often berated me on my Physics grade (he majored in Physics and has a Ph.D in Chemistry). I would snap back at him whenever he did so, and because of that, didn't want to ask him for help. If you approach your child with a worried but not angry attitude, it'll make it easier on us to work with you to find a way to improve our grades.

Teachers often have morning and afternoon tutoring sessions, and other students are often willing to help a friend. You can give them advice yourself, if the problems are in your area of expertise.

Music for All

2009-01-04T13:46:00.005-06:00

I don't know how many of you watched the Rose Parade on TV, but if you did, there was a 250 yard long Sesane Street "mega-unit" consisting of four floats, dancers, flags, drums, and a marching band. I was part of that. And it was pretty much the highlight of my life.

The entire project was put together by Bands of America, through Music for All, a group dedicated to providing "positively life-changing experiences" for students. Cheesey as it may sound, this was indeed a life-changing experience.

Every staff member was literally the best in the country at what they do. For example, the drum line shows up the first day, practicing on their Thom Hannum sticks, when their instructor walks up. It's Thom Hannum himself. The Fred J Miller uniforms were actually fit by Fred J Miller, the drum majors were taught by George N. Parks, the inventor of the modern drum major, and everywhere we turned, there was another HUGE name in marching band.

However, more than just an excellent experience in marching band, it was an excellent life experience. I have attended camps held by George Parks in the past, and every time I have gone home a better person for having been there. On this trip, not only did we have the opportunity to work with Mr. Parks, but another equally inspirational individual, affectionately known as Dr. Tim. Five minutes with either of these legends would change anyone's life forever. We were all pushed to be not only better musicians, but better people. The progression of the group from the beginning of the week to the end was spectacular. We were walking taller, speaking clearer, and genuinely better people for the experience.

I'm not saying that everyone should be crazy enough to want to fly halfway across the country to march around a parking lot 20 hours a day for a week with 50lb metal horns on their shoulders. Nor am I saying that music is the be-all end-all for character building. What I am saying is that whatever your kids are into, take an active interest. The cost of this trip was somewhat beyond my means, but my parents paid for it. They could have bought a 60" HDTV with the money, but they would rather I had that experience. Again, I'm not saying that every parent needs to do that, but if a parent's goal is to make their children the best people they can be, chances are that whatever you kids are into will improve them as individuals.

PS: I highly recommend marching band. Not everyone is into it, but if they are, you will notice a significant difference in your child from freshman band camp to the senior show.

Food for thought.

2008-12-20T15:44:00.001-06:00

A while ago, my amazingly awesome IB US History teacher told us that if we were to get pregnant, do drugs, or get caught drunk driving, the worst thing we could do was drink and drive. He said that something like that would get stuck on a permanent record, and it would be difficult to get jobs or acceptance into college with any mark like that.

Parents have different standards, of course, so I was wondering: of the big three, which one is the worst that your teenager could do?

Drugs

2008-12-10T19:36:00.004-06:00

Weed is generally regarded amongst teenagers to be a "safe" drug. You can't kill yourself by overdosing (though you can kill yourself from the stupid things you do when you're high), and it's used in medical procedures. That doesn't mean it's smart to use it though, because you can still get addicted.

If you know that your child is using weed - or any other drug, for that matter - don't panic. The most important thing to do is behave calmly and put on a kind, "I'll-listen-to-you" demeanor. I know that you probably want to destroy your child, ground them until they're 40, and purge their memories of anything involving drugs, but that's not going to help.

At this point, your role changes into that of a counselor. You're still a parent, but you need to listen to us spill our guts out. If you approach us angrily (which, no doubt, you are), we'll behave defensively and you'll never figure out why we started, who we're getting it from, etc. Which is more important at this stage: letting your anger out at us, or understanding the reasons we used drugs?

When you're in an open conversation, make your intentions clear. I know that sometimes when my mom and I are discussing things, and she asks me certain questions, I misinterpret her and think that she's trying to find out everything I might have done wrong. The truth really is that she simply wants to know more. So before you start digging for details, tell us that you only want to make sure there's not a bigger problem behind the whole issue. That way we'll know what you're doing, and it gives the conversation a purpose.

Also, stay as calm as possible throughout the talk. The moment you show anger, everything will turn into a fullscale argument that won't resolve anything at all.

Other things you can do after talking with your child is find ways to stimulate his or her mind. Sign up for clubs, go play football, etc. I have a couple of friends that are drug addicts, and they tell me they started getting high not because they had familial problems, but because they were bored.

It's a terrible thing for a kid to become a drug addict just because they were bored one night. As soon as you find out if your child has an addiction, find an appropriate time when you two aren't busy and discuss.

Above all, make sure that you tell them you're on their side. Not in a "let's get high together!" way, but a "I want to help you, so your life won't be dependent on drugs" way.

Teaching Manners

2008-12-06T13:20:00.002-06:00

The best time to instill manners (in my opinion, not backed by research) is before we're sucked into this whole cyberspace-pop culture-sexually charged-insane world. Which means, before we're 7.

But now that we're teenagers, it's not completely late. We may roll our eyes when you say that we have to say "please" before you'll pass us the salt. We may oblige grudgingly and mutter "thank you" when you do. Just because we might not be happy about it doesn't mean you shouldn't try. Eventually it'll get ingrained in our system, and one day we'll realize how important manners are when it comes to communication, our careers, and our future.

I'm not trying to put myself on a higher moral pedestal here, but since 9th grade, I have always thanked my bus driver as I get off from my stop. Me and one of my best friends are the only ones who ever do this, and the bus driver is always appreciative for such a small thing. Once I nearly missed the bus, and the driver stopped for me (something he never does for other kids). This seems small, but the point is that if your teenager has the care and tact to thank people for even the small things, then this will carry into more important things.

Manners are a show of respect. If you teach your teenager to respect others, then they'll be respected in return and eventually gain favors. It's better than sucking up to teachers, and nobody ever gets negatively talked about for showing manners.

Just make sure to be a good example yourself. My father was never good at apologizing, and I picked up on this when I was little, trying to find other people to blame. My mother, not liking this rude behavior, began to over-emphasize the times when she admitted when she was wrong about something and apologized. I eventually realized that there was nothing bad about that, and began to take responsibility for my faults as well. Your influence as a parent is stronger in this respect than you might think. Take advantage of it well. =]

WoW

2008-11-29T21:38:00.011-06:00

I don't know how many of you have heard of "WoW" or "World of Warcraft," but it's a hugely popular MMORPG (Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game). It's basically Dungeons and Dragons on the internet. There are better than 11 million subscribers right now, poor saps.

You see, WoW is more addictive than herione. Legitamately. The game is literally addictive. Sure, maybe your kids were hooked on Pokemon for a while, but it was nothing like this. This game literally destroys marriages, relationships, and futures. A friend of mine actually failed out of college because of WoW. I was reading this article (http://www.cracked.com/article_16782_6-ways-world-warcraft-worse-than-real-life.html) and it occured to me that parents should know about this.

I myself played from November of my freshman year through March of my sophomore year, but finally ripped myself away from the game. I had been neglecting homework, sleep, and friends. Then, after a few months I started playing again. I thought I would be able to prioritize. Honestly, I don't think anyone can. I got back into the game and it took me until May of my junior year to quit. Even now, I'm tempted to go back, but honestly, it's not worth it.

Moral of the story: don't let your kids play WoW. It's dangerously addictive and ruins lives. If your kid already plays WoW, you need to talk to them, because it can get out of hand.

PS: If your WoW addict thinks I'm a scrub who doesn't know what I'm talking about, show them this list: all pre-xpk 2 -> 70 t6 surv/mark hunter (surv isn't just for melee), 70 t4 prot warr, 70 s3 ele shammy, 63 holy pally (yes I know rets OP now) - probably means nothing to you, but it's impressive to most players (and kind of sad actually)

Revenge

2008-11-20T18:42:00.001-06:00

Allegedly, one of my friends had this conversation with her mother:

Mom: ...and after you finish cleaning your room, do the laundry and wash the dishes.
Emily: Geez, Mom, why do you always have to make me sugger?
Mom: Well, this is revenge for making me go through the pain of childbirth.

Fitting In

2008-11-14T21:49:00.009-06:00

Today in calculus my friend asked me why I have so many gay friends. My usual response is something the lines of "I don't know; the people I like to hang out with seem to always end up being gay." Today, however, I decided to give it more thought and concluded that my usual explanation is indeed valid, but for reasons I never realized.

I like people who think for themselves, be it with or against my own views. If they know why they think something and can argue their point, I'm drawn to them. People adapt to their environments and thus it follows that those who never "fit in," per se, would be the ones who have learned to think for themselves. Okay, so by "they" I generally mean "we": the nerds, geeks, and ostracized.

That is not to say that one can't have friends and be intelligent. It is only to say that the already intelligent are not hindered in life by not being one of the "popular kids." So take pride in your nerds; they may have fewer friends, but they will be real friends.

Why it's not a good idea to freak out

2008-10-21T19:20:00.002-05:00

There's a kid in one of my classes named Michael. Everybody is friends with him, despite his reservedness and very quiet nature. One day, my classmate remarked,

"When Michael talks, everybody has to listen. If he's saying something, then it's obviously important."

It was a joke, but it's true. If you use things sparingly, then whenever you use it, it's regarded as more serious.

My dad gets angry very easily and often shouts. When I was little, this method of getting me to do things right worked rather well. But since I've become a teenager, I've begun to regard him with less and less seriousness, to the point that my mom and I often exchange glances during his tirades and sigh simultaneously, inwardly amused.

Whenever my mom gets angry, I listen more. It may not seem like it (I have my pride, and still must defend myself! =]), but I take her more seriously because she doesn't get genuinely angry with me often. Our arguments stay in my mind for longer and I think more often about it.

Although you may be a perfectionist parent and want to leap on everything we do wrong, restrain yourself a little, and laugh at us if we mess up (not condescendingly, though). If we mess up really bad, though, that's when you should freak out and pull out the big guns. If you tend to make fewer empty threats in our everyday life, then the empty threats you make on occasion sound a lot scarier and realistic to us.

On listening, not flaw-catching

2008-10-14T18:59:00.003-05:00

A few of my friends have been trying to explain to their parents why their grades have been slipping, why they want to date a certain person, etc. Their parents pretended to listen while they really looked for flaws in their teens' explanations to shoot them down later with.

When we actually take the time and try to find the words to explain to you why things are the way they are, it does take some courage (unless we are in the midst of an argument, in which we say anything). We're nervous inside about your reaction, even though sometimes we claim not to. Additionally, we haven't gone out and learned the extreme importance of tact yet, so we may come off as brash and rude.

Take the time to consider our words, and try to stifle your annoyance at our tone. Our tone is not as important to the matter as our message is. Try to empathize and open your ears to what we mean; don't immediately become defensive and look for ways to break our argument. That solves nothing, makes us angry, and then a nasty fight can break out.

Don't try and turn things into a heated debate. A lot of parents don't seem to notice this, but when they ask us why our grades are slipping or why we're dating that shady-looking guy, they're already prepared to reject anything we say. In that case, there's really no point in asking us to explain our actions if you're not going to listen to our answer, because even we know that you're going to shunt us aside. By doing this, you're not really respecting us as a person. Take the time to set your reservations and judgment calls aside. Listen to us, and think about what we have to say. Otherwise, little can become resolved - you can force us to study while you watch us, or force us to break up, but that only solves a short-term issue for you while we build resentment.

A little bit of psychology now....

2008-10-06T02:51:00.002-05:00

In seventh grade, I had once taken a psychology course for a month as part of a summer program. Besides learning some of the most fascinating things about human minds and behavior, I also encountered the following story:

At one particular school, there are two types of classes: honors classes and regulars classes. Typically, kids who attended honors classes had a higher IQ than the kids who attended regulars classes. However, one year, someone somehow messed up the classes so that the honors kids were assigned to the regulars classes and the regulars kids were assigned to the honors classes. The mistake was only rectified a couple of months into school year, which by that time, the kids were already used to their learning environment. A couple of psychologists took this opportunity to reevaluate the IQs of all the kids.

They found that the honors kids, who had been in a regulars learning environment, had a lower IQ than before, while the regulars kids, who had been in an honors learning environment, had a higher IQ than before.

The moral of the story? People conform to other people's expectations. Honors teachers expected their students to work hard and to try to achieve more, therefore, the regulars kids started working harder and achieving more. Vice versa for the honors kids. So there are several ways you can apply this to parenting.

Sometimes, you can get disillusioned with, say, our grades. Then you no longer expect us to get those high grades. We can sense that in your behavior, your tone of voice, etc, and we no longer try to get those high grades. This is a big no-no. I'm telling you now that you are only allowed to act disappointed - however, if you continue to show us that you haven't given up on us, then we won't give up on ourselves either.

Treat us not as we are, but rather the way you want us to be.

DO NOT nag at us as if we were children.
DO give us responsibilities and expect us to uphold them.
DO NOT tell us to "stand in the corner" or "go to your room".
DO tell us how disappointed you are.
DO NOT hold our hand through everything.
DO give us some freedom to develop our confidence and self esteem.
DO NOT give us help unless we ask you for it.
DO let us take risks and stumble ("Why do we fall, Bruce?" "So we can learn to pick ourselves up." Yes, I'm a Batman geek).

SO PLEASE MOM STOP ASKING ME IF I'VE FINISHED MY HOMEWORK BECAUSE YES, I'M SURE I'VE FINISHED MY HOMEWORK. /endrant

The Things We Love That You Don't Love

2008-10-05T20:32:00.003-05:00

I have a friend, Stacy, that loves to dance. And she's absolutely amazing at it, having performed at different festivals and large events at my school.

Her parents don't like it. They want her to concentrate more on her studies and stop "that foolish nonsense". To her parents, dancing is a waste of time that will contribute nothing in the way of getting into college. In essence, it's not part of the person that Stacy's parents envisioned her to be. They've banned her from all practices and don't let her out of the house anymore. The only way Stacy still practices her routine is by sneaking out and lying to her parents that she's really going to a friend's house to study.

When we've found something that we're truly passionate for that isn't detrimental to our health or mentality (like abusing people or doing drugs), then by all means, let us do it. We have only one life to live and doing the things we love, such as rocking out in the garage with buddies or skateboarding 24/7, should not be taken from us during the time that we have. If it's obvious that our videogaming is the direct cause for a drop in grades, then by all means, place restrictions. If it's obvious that our constant blogging (ahem, mom =]) is directly giving us headaches from computer radiation, then place restrictions. However, if it's obvious we truly enjoy a certain activity and we're good at it, by all means do not completely ban us. Here's why:

1. If you think that our activities are lagging at our grades, and colleges don't want B students, then think again. If we're able to show a passion and talent in this activity, then do not ban us. Colleges love to see students that love to do things. A few months ago, my mom thought that my writing fanfiction would do nothing to make me look creative in a college's eyes. The admissions officer at Elon University, named a top rising star by Newsweek, said that it would let me stand out on my resume. Let your daughter dance. Let your son rock out. It'll end up standing out from the students who gave up everything to just study.

2. When you take extreme measures like these parents did (slight language warning), you're stifling creative potential. That kid is amazing. Requiem works hard on projects without teachers breathing down his neck or deadlines looming up. He dedicates himself to his craft of his own volition. If you want us to be a hard worker, then we must have experience doing it. The easiest way to gain this experience is to work on our passions.

3. Not many adults say that they're completely satisfied with their jobs, because it's not something they like. In that case, would you force your child to stop doing something that they like, when you've already had experience with what happens when you have an un-engaging job?

4. Your teenager will hate you. "It's for your own good" does not mean anything in this kind of situation. When my dad pulled the plug on all my essays, all my JROTC records, and all my sketch links, I did not speak to him for a week.

The bottom line is that you should never completely ban us from our passions. At the most, set some restrictions. If we're spending three hours drawing away each day and procrastinating on homework, set a two-hour time limit. Don't do anything drastic or we'll completely freak out and not listen to you at all. Good luck~

Express Yourself

2008-09-27T21:09:00.003-05:00

I can remember times that I have wanted to dress a certain way and my mother was strongly opposed. It started in middle school. I wanted goth pants. You know the big tent-pants with the chains hanging from them? I thought they were the coolest. However, they were forbidden because I would be "making a 'statement' I didn't understand" by wearing them.

Now, as a senior in high school, I have three pairs. She still disapproves of my wearing them, but I guess she changed her mind or something because she has yet to forbid wearing them. As for the "statement" I'm making: I think they look cool. That's it; and honestly, if someone doesn't like the way I dress, they are too petty to be triffled with. On a related note, I've wanted my ears, eyebrow, and lip pierced since 6th grade, but apart from the lip ring (it would get in the way of my tuba mouthpiece), I'm still working on that one.

The benefit of my experience that I seek to convey with this preface is that one should not limit one's children's expressions of themselves. If it's a phase, let them get over it themselves. Or maybe it's not a phase, in which case they'll only resent you until they turn 18 and do it any way. Ever heard of parents talk about their kids coming back from college as completely different people? They're not completely different people, they're the person they've been all along, just free to express it.

So I urge you to not limit who your children are by forcing them into the image that you had of what your children would be. Your children will not end up the way you intended. It's a fact. Let you children be who they are and they will turn out better than you hoped in a manner you never expected.

Mingling

2008-09-23T21:02:00.004-05:00

I remember that before 8th grade, I always hung out with the Asian crowd. We were extremely exclusive, and it was practically impossible for a white person to break into our tight little group. Looking back, I realized how bigoted and stupid it was of us.

In 8th grade and thereafter, I broke off from the Asian group at school and befriended white kids. Anybody who claims that there's no difference in cultures of all races is lying. In the Asian group, I remember how though we never really stated it out loud or thought about it consciously, one major way we measured each other was by our grades or talents. There was definitely a thick aura of competition, and it was one of the reasons I thought that the environment wasn't healthy and I branched off from it.

When I started making friends with non-Asian people, I felt like I was really stepping into a different culture altogether. One major thing that was different was the way people were measured - there was more emphasis on personality. I had to learn, in short, to be interesting and more social if I wanted to fit in here. None of this "measurement" issue was ever overt - it was just something I gradually noticed as time went on and when I shifted in between my groups of friends.

I remember that one day when I was talking to one of my Asian friends during English, she mentioned that I seemed "to be the most social out of all of us."

"Out of all of whom?" I asked.

"Oh - the Asian group," she answered. I asked her to explain. "Well," she said hesitantly, "you have way more white friends than I do. Like, you're in lots of different cliques. I don't even think I have Hispanic friends."

We counted - I had 12 close white friends at that point, and 4 asian ones. She had 13 close asian friends, and 3 white ones.

Looking back, I realized that breaking off from a one-race group really helped build my social skills and confidence. There truly is a different culture in the white group, the Asian group, the Hispanic group, etc. It's important that your teenager mingle around, and not exclusively talk to people only in their familiar little circle. Gradually, they're going to lose the skill of adapting to different environments and quickly making new friends - which is an important life lesson that everybody should have. Encourage your kid to branch out more. It's valuable that your teen knows that he or she shouldn't segregate themselves all the time, because the day will come when they have to go off to college, and their entire circle will not be with them. During then, we'll be forced to mingle around, and if we haven't done that in years, it'll be a very stressful first few weeks as we struggle to recapture the ways of befriending people.

Encourage us now, so we won't stress about it later.

Sex! Sex! Sex!

2008-09-20T01:10:00.009-05:00

So, a 17-year-old male...what might his first post be about? Sexuality! You guessed it. Rather than play into the stereotype of the sex-addict high school senior (there will be plenty of time for that later), this is truly a post about sexuality, which the ever-accurate Wikipedia currently defines as "how people experience and express themselves as sexual beings." As such, this post is not about sex-starved teenagers, but rather the impact that you as parents can have on teenagers who are having a hard time accepting things they are finding out about their own sexualities.

So if you want to understand how to help your kids through this tough phase, the piece is entitled "We're Not Freaks" and can be found here. It's an original work by myself, but due to possible variation in reception of its content, I would rather readers voluntarily follow the link than be offended by my first post right away. :)

Measuring us

2008-09-19T18:28:00.002-05:00

I'm in IB - which is infinitely more strenuous than AP. I know that AP students at least get some sleep.

But the scary thing about IB is that despite how hard we work, our effort doesn't show up well in our grades. One of my friends, who was ranked in the top 2% last year, is now struggling to pass Physics. A lot of girls (and a very suspiciously red-eyed guy) have come to school sobbing about how difficult and stressful everything is, and how terrible our grades are despite our huge amount of studying.

One of my cheerleader friends had it pretty bad - she took home her report card and her mother became furious with her failing grade, despite the fact that most IB students are barely passing half of their classes. Here is where the parenting issue comes in.

There are things that we do that you want quite badly to see us succeed in. Most of the time, it's grades or a sport. However, parents can get too caught up in the numerical and concrete results of how we perform - you look at a number on a sheet of paper and take it as an indication of our failure. That's not how you want to go about driving us to success.

Don't measure us by the number of our grades, or the placings of our trophies. That is immaterial - what matters is how much hard work we put into it. I know my cheerleader friend is anything but a slacker. She studies for hours more than I do and definitely has a busier schedule than most of us. She's making do with what she can, and putting in her best despite her exhaustion.

Parents should not punish their teens for coming up with a bad score when we have worked hard for it. Hard work should be emotionally rewarded, no matter what the result is. Don't get caught up with a failing grade or a sixth-place ribbon. What you need to pay attention to - what you need to measure us by - should always be the amount of effort we put into the things we do.

Does it really matter?

2008-09-10T22:00:00.000-05:00

Since a lot of parenting problems stem from negative emotions that may not even have much to do with teenagers at all, I'm going to include a few posts on helping manage stress and anger so that you'll feel a bit fresher when you have to deal with us =]

I'm a happy-go-lucky kind of person that has a tendency to whine some, but not really feel all that much stress. I don't get angry very easily, and normally the frustration I feel bursts into small flares and quickly dies away. I'm one of those people that just don't get genuinely stressed out all the time (it's not necessarily a good thing, because it means I procrastinate sometimes).

My mom's a bit different - she's busy, high strung, and doesn't deal with anger very well. And after thinking about our personalities and differences, I realize why it's easier for me to not get bogged down in negative emotions, but it can be difficult for my mom.

I have a tendency to wonder if things "really matter". Some things aren't worth the energy getting angry over. A bit of snippy tone, forgetting to put the dishes in the washer...in ten weeks, are you still going to be affected by that? Are you even going to remember that?

One handy tip is to think about if the provoking action will affect you a long time from now. If it does, then it's probably fit to bust a vein over it. If it's not, then simply let it go. It may not seem "authoritative", but it prevents you from getting a stroke from frustration and messing up a few good relationships =]

Oh Geez

2008-09-09T19:20:00.003-05:00

I was totally going to write a post today about how teenagers are actually not very impulsive, but then this had to happen, and my motivation kind of died inside.

Control

2008-09-05T22:00:00.000-05:00

An alarming number of parents have offhandedly mentioned in their lifetime that ever since their kid hit adolescence, they can't "control him anymore."

NO. NO. NO.

It's taking me a lot of restraint to not write the rest of this post in a CAPS LOCK OF RAGE.

You're not supposed to control us. You were never supposed to control us. When we were babies, you cared for us and picked us up when we cried. That's not controlling - that's love. When we were toddlers, you put band-aids on our scraped knees and made sure that we didn't run across the street to pick up a stray ball. That's not controlling - that's love. When we were children, you helped us bake cookies and made sure we didn't overdose on Coke. That's not controlling - that's love.

So why is it that when we hit adolescence, parents have an insatiable need to "control" their teenagers?

I know I've heard many a parent jokingly mention to a friend: "My boy just turned 5. He has so much energy - I can't control him!"

Of course you can't control the scarily energetic toddler. What you're doing is trying to manage him because he doesn't know that jumping on rolling chairs is dangerous, he doesn't know that you're not supposed to slide down the stair banister, and he doesn't know that Mary Poppins' flying umbrella scene was a lie. You are protecting us from danger, managing our childish energy - but in no way at any point in our life did you control us. You just had - and here's the correct term - a lot of influence.

Unfortunately, parents use the term "control" so often with toddlers and younger children (because it seems to apply) that they overextend the term into adolescence. And suddenly, parents suddenly the literal definition of "control", which in no way applies in the barest way anymore.

So if you are one of those parents that are upset that you can't control your teenager - the correct term is "influence". You "influence" us by making good decisions and being wise. You don't "control" us by telling us what to do all the time. Let it go. =] Once you understand the huge difference between "control" and "influence", you can be a much better parent.

Love and Safety: Occasional Figments of Imagination

2008-09-03T22:00:00.001-05:00

I traipse about on various parenting forums, and I often see posts beginning like this:

My teenager is (insert problem/nasty behavior trait here). I don't understand why he's acting like this. I mean, I created a loving and safe environment, and this is what I get back.

There are two problems here:

1. We don't really know why we're acting like this either.
2. There is no such thing as creating a perfectly loving and safe environment for us.

The first problem will be tackled in other posts - this one is about the second problem. We know that you try to create perfect conditions for us, in which we'll feel loved, accepted, and safe in our quickly complicating world. Key words: you try.

No matter how successful you think you are, it's impossible - and this is supposed to be a good thing if you think you did something wrong in raising us. You're not us. You don't know what we go through each day - and even if you watch us on camera 24/7 and can therefore claim that you do know what we go through, you don't know precisely how each event in our lives shapes and affects us. In short, you don't have a complete idea about who we are. Only we, the teenagers, have the best idea of who we are and what we need (and even then, we sometimes confuse ourselves).

Therefore, your version of a loving, safe, environment may not be our version.

We know you care about us - sometimes you care a little too much, worry a little too much, and we end up interpreting your concern as you distrusting us. Our thought process kind of goes, "The more Mom asks me questions, the less she trusts me - and you don't trust people that you don't like." So when we want a "more loving environment", we might define it as you "caring about" us less - an oxymoron that most parents don't grasp well because we teenagers don't have the mental maturity to explain what we really mean.

As for a safe environment, we have different standards because of what we've already experienced. However, for the most part, we're too unobservant to notice measures the public daily undertakes to make our city safe. We just assume that everything is inherently fine without major safety measures, so we can go out late at night and not be attacked by a stranger. Since you, the parents, have more life experience, you realize that the city has a curfew for a good reason, and forbid us to go out alone after 11:00. So the part about giving us a safe environment, and us not listening, is entirely our immature stupidity. =]

That's not to say that you should completely give up on trying to create a good situation. We need somebody to make sure that we don't step out of line, and we need somebody to make sure that our stupidity doesn't endanger us. It's very important that while you realize that it's impossible to create a perfectly safe and loving environment to suit both our needs, it's still necessary to try.

Argue Wisely

2008-09-01T10:00:00.000-05:00

One problem that everybody has when it comes to arguing is that we can't concentrate on what we're angry at. As in:

PARENT: (looking at report card) Why is there an 86?
KID: The teacher sucks. He hates me. (*note: no matter what culture or what place you live in, teenagers always revert to this excuse.)
PARENT: I don't know. You didn't study that hard this term.
KID: What do you mean? I studied a lot! I stayed up late too!
PARENT: Yes, but that's procrastination. If you had just worked regularly, your grades wouldn't be like this.
KID: You always say that.
PARENT: It's true. Remember last year? You pulled some all-nighters before finals.
KID: Yeah, well, at least I cared enough about my grades to at least study.
PARENT: That's not caring, that's slacking off.
KID: Oh my God, why do you have to be like this? I actually looked over my books, geez. And besides, I was busy.
PARENT: You were busy going out with friends.
KID: It was stressful. I needed a break, don't you get it?
PARENT: Yes, but that was not the time for such things, and besides, I'm not too sure if you should be hanging out with those people.

Originally the dispute was about the low grade. Then it shifted to last year's exams, to procrastination, and finally to the parent's disapproval of the teenager's friends. Although this isn't a full-blown argument, it goes to show that even a small amount of fighting/dispute can veer quite a bit.

When you argue, have the mind to argue just on that one subject. If the problem is a dirty room, complain about the dirty room. Don't mention how we're so lazy we also don't study, we put off things to the last minute, our teachers think we're disorganized, etc. The tension between you and us rests on that one subject, so take care of that problem. Don't drag in other frustrations you have with us - because then, you've opened up a whole slew of potential arguments and resentment that you'll eventually have to fix - and it'll be difficult to fix it all in one argument.

Be wise to stay on the subject. When your teenager strays, say firmly (but not rudely!) "We're talking about _______. We can deal with ________ at a later time." It's short, effective, and us continuing to stray will make us feel kind of stupid. =]

Teen Post: Confidence

2008-08-30T10:00:00.001-05:00

The purpose of the Teens on Parenting blog is for us, the teenagers, to help you, the parents. So nearly all of our posts will be directed toward adults (At least, we hope that you are an adult if your child is already a teenager; otherwise, something is clearly wrong with science.)

However, sometimes there will be a post on here that I encourage you to either show with your teenager (if he or she is open enough), or simply share with them. This is one of those posts.
______________

In elementary school, everybody was outgoing. Self-consciousness hadn't dug in yet, so there weren't many "popular" or "unpopular" kids. Everything was absolutely sunshine and daisies. This began to change as fifth grade passed and I entered middle school. Cliques became sharply defined, and I felt I was in the bottom of the ladder.

There was never really a popular group, and in all honesty, I don't believe any school really has such a thing. What we had, instead, were groups of girls that wore lots of eyeliner, giggled incessantly, and were loud in class (I am writing this and realizing that I'm actually describing myself. What a tragedy.). There was a sort-of "jock" group separated by each sport. There was a goth/punk group that was quite friendly and the closest I can define as "popular". And of course, there were the artsy group and the Asian nerds group, which was supposed to be "unpopular".

The whole popular-unpopular issue was really a product of my mind, reinforced by certain unnamed, best-selling books. I was jealous of those that could crack jokes loudly in class and have everybody laugh along. I was jealous of those that could pass classes purely on their teachers' goodwill. It was unfair, I believed, that they got to be "special" and I didn't. So I stayed very quiet in class, believing myself to be unpopular because I was socially awkward, not pretty enough, or didn't have a boyfriend. It wasn't my "place" to be confident. Although nobody will actually think this in the precise words that I have written, people will feel this.

I'm not entirely sure why, but the summer after ninth grade, everything changed. I believe it's because I realized that one reason I was "unpopular" was because I never tried to speak up or be like those people that I thought of as "popular". I thought that I had to stay in that label (which truly didn't actually exist), but really, I could easily break out of it. And really, once I carefully considered everything, it seemed stupid that the reason I wasn't trying to be outgoing was because I thought it wasn't my "place" to.

I realized I had been scared to crack a joke in class, or make a comment during a lesson because I was scared of being embarrassed. This was a foolish thought. What was there to be embarrassed about? And besides, even if I did say something truly stupid, would anybody remember it a month from now? Would anyone hear my comment and actually think, "Wow, I'm never going to talk to her again." I was being ludicrous in thinking that I had to be unconfident and keep quiet in order to survive in the school world.

So I began to be more outgoing. I easily talked to strangers (truly, a bright smile works wonders) and made friends with a lot of new people. I didn't stay with my own group - right now, I'm floating mainly between the nerd group, the JROTC group, and the artsy group. I like who I am now - more confident (because it's a wonder when you truly understand the phrase, "There's nothing to lose") and more outgoing.

In fact, when I was a sophomore, having a lazy afternoon conversation with a JROTC senior, he began to suddenly laugh. "Er," I said awkwardly, "is there something on my face?"

"No," he said. "I just can't imagine the freshman you even having the courage to talk to me at all."

So although this puts into question the tact of teenage boys, it also shows that a little careful thought about the workings of school life can actually reveal. There truly isn't a popular group. Unconfident teenagers, thinking that they're stuck forever as an unpopular kid, are severely misinformed about what the world is like. It doesn't have to do, necessarily, with looking like the group a teenager believes to be popular - it has to do with confidence, and speaking your thoughts.