Morgan Gets Thin, and Fat Yet Again

McHorrifying

2009-09-23T11:59:00.007-05:00

I was just on MSN.com and came across this great site: Picture Show: Visions of Fast Food

As we all know, I'm a fast food junkie. I love Big Macs. When I saw the picture above, of what I can only assume is my beloved "2-all-beef-patties-special-sauce-lettuce-cheese-pickles-onions-on-a-sesame-seed-bun," I didn't love it so much. I had a similar feeling after I saw Supersize Me the first time. After watching Morgan Spurlock regurgitate a double quarter pounder all over a McDonald's parking lot, I didn't eat McD's (or any other fast food) for about a month.

Then I really wanted a Big Mac, so I started again.

And now, for your moment of Zen:

False starts

2009-09-18T12:17:00.002-05:00

After writing yesterday's post, I was almost giddy with excitement about getting back on the wagon. I made an awesome, healthy salad. I took a 2-mile walk after work. Things were going well. Then of course, I pulled my usual derailing move of driving through the golden arches before bedtime. Ugh.

I woke up feeling bloated and regretful- two words that describe me pretty well these days. I keep trying to remember how I got started the first time around. It wasn't easy, and I had plenty of failures before I got on a successful roll. It makes me wonder how I ever managed to get fit in the first place.

"I'll start tomorrow" has been my motto for almost a year now. Interesting how tomorrow never comes, isn't it?

What's up, bitches?

2009-09-17T12:21:00.004-05:00

I decided to finally succumb to Facebook mania this week. Yeah, I know I'm really late, but whatever. Anyway, I searched and searched for the right profile picture. Every single one I could find was from my "Morgan Gets Thin" days. I picked one of the better ones and begrudgingly uploaded it.

I say "begrudgingly" because, well... that's not really me anymore. See that chin, and that jawline? Not there at the moment. I'm back to the old days of avoiding cameras and mirrors. I'm sick of being fat, but apparently not sick enough to change (again). I think part of that is knowing how hard I had to work to slim down the first time. The idea of doing all that again makes me want to cry.

Still, I sometimes see a picture like this one, and it makes me nostalgic for last year's "5K May." It makes me miss my running friends, who I never see anymore (totally my fault). I miss feeling like I've accomplished things.

Maybe I'll never run again, much less run another marathon. But I have to do something. I'm not happy in this body. The weird thing is, I wasn't happy with my previous body either. I still managed to focus on the pudge in my belly and not the fact that I'd lost over 100 lbs.

So, what to do? I guess I'll start by grabbing a salad for lunch.

Bad dreams

2009-05-06T13:22:00.003-05:00

About a year ago, I wrote a post about a nightmare I'd had:

Last night I had a dream- a nightmare, really- that I was attending a family gathering. Everyone kept staring at me with a look of pity in their eyes. I'd see them whispering, then they'd abruptly stop when I'd get within earshot. Was my zipper down? Did I have bird shit on my forehead? Why were they looking at me like that?! I frantically searched for a mirror, and when I found one, I saw my former, fat self looking back at me. Every pound I'd worked so hard to get rid of was back- strapped to my belly in three massive rolls. My fingers looked like sausages, and the jawline that I'd once admired was obscured once again.

Now, a year later, that nightmare has become a reality. I've gained back about 75% of the weight I lost. I've spent the last few months eating, drinking, sitting in a sedentary stupor, and feeling pretty damn awful about it. I'm an addict in the truest sense of the word. My habits and behaviors bring me a constant cycle of pleasure, quickly followed shame, pain, and hopelessness. Desperate to change, but seemingly powerless to do so.

I've tried so damn hard to just accept myself- fat or thin. I thought becoming thin and athletic would magically get me what I needed, but that didn't happen. In fact, my weight loss gnarled my self-esteem until it was virtually gone. Even as a size 10, I still thought I was fat.

Now, as I sit here in my size 20 jeans and look at pictures from just a year ago, I wonder what the fuck happened. Good question. I think part of it is that I was totally exhausted in all possible ways. The physicality of marathon training put me through some stuff I don't think my body was ready for. Mentally, I was a total wreck. After 18 months of scrutinizing the caloric values of a million different foods, my brain didn't know how to think of much else. I just got so sick of thinking about it all the time. I stopped seeing my psychologist because I was sick of talking about it all the time. I stopped writing this blog because I was sick of writing about it all the time. I just wanted it to go away.

I'm not quite sure what to do now. Part of me wants to just let this blog die and be more private with my struggle. The support I received as a result of blogging was immense, but I also felt some pressure. My time away has been, if anything, a relief. But, I'd get comments here and there... "What happened?" "We miss you!" "Hope you're doing okay." It made me wonder if I'd made a mistake in cutting ties.

I'm still very confused. I spend every day trying to decide which life I want to have. Do I want the life where I can eat whatever I want but feel sick and tired most of the time? Or, do I want to deprive myself and feel healthy? Some people can have both, but I don't think I'm one of them. I'm a food junkie. I'm a hedonist. It's all or nothing.

For today, I accomplished a 20 minute walk and stocked the kitchen with healthy food. That will have to be enough, just for now.

An interview with PastaQueen

2009-01-20T06:41:00.003-06:00

Fellow weight-loss-blogger and author Jennette Fulda, aka PastaQueen, is doing a virtual tour to promote her book, Half Assed: A Weight Loss Memoir. I was flattered when I was contacted by her publicist to take part.

So, while I sit here and wallow in self-pity because I have the stomach flu from hell, here is a Q&A session with Jennette.

Q: You recently admitted to yourself (and to everyone who reads your blog) that you are a compulsive overeater. Why do you think it took you so long to realize it, and how have things changed since then?

A: I was lucky not to encounter any extremely stressful events during my initial weight loss. Without any huge triggers, it appeared that my eating was under control. I had never attempted a serious healthy eating and fitness plan before, so I assumed my weight problem was caused by lack of knowledge.

This past year I've dealt with the stress of starting a new job, promoting a book and dealing with a chronic headache. I began to realize that these stressors made me want to eat and that this urge to eat was not necessarily felt by other people around me who could leave meals half-finished on their plates. Eventually I realized that my brain is wired a little differently than other people's and that I like to use food as a drug when my life is out of control.

I'm using several strategies to manage my overeating. I don't bring trigger foods into my house. I know that if I buy a box of granola bars, I will probably eat the whole box, so I try to buy single servings. When I cook meals, I try to make only as much as I want to eat so I don't have an opportunity to binge. These techniques help, but it's still a struggle.

Q: Training for and running my marathon was one of the most challenging things I've ever done. What were you favorite and least favorite things about your half marathon experience?

A: My favorite part was eating a Cinnamon Crunch Bagel and knowing I'd already burned off the calories I was consuming. This might be part of the reason I gained a couple pounds while training instead of losing weight :) I also enjoyed pushing past my limits. I would never have run in ice and snow and negative degree temperatures, but I did those things running with a training group. I was surprised I was able to do it, but I don't have any desire to do that again:)

I didn't enjoy gaining weight when I was exercising so much. I also resented the amount of time it took to train, particularly near the end when I had to complete several 45-minute runs a week. Getting the runner's trots after my training 10K run wasn't pleasant either.

Q: You've been dealing with chronic headache pain for several months now. How has it affected your commitment to a healthy lifestyle? Do you think there is hope to lose weight for overweight people living with chronic pain?

A: It's harder to get up the motivation to exercise when I'm in pain all the time. Remember the last time you had a headache? Did you feel like doing anything, let alone run or bike or jazzercise? I feel like that all the time. It also makes me want to eat more because enjoying a pint of ice cream or a box of chocolates genuinely makes me feel better, if only briefly. My medications don't seem to do anything, but the Steak N' Shake milkshake never lets me down.

I went through a pretty bad time last September and October, but I seem to be pulling out of it lately *crosses fingers* I've found that if I eat well 80% of the time and moderately exercise I can maintain my weight without gaining. Now I have about 25 pounds I'd like to lose again.

I think there is hope for overweight people with chronic pain to live a healthy life and perhaps lose weight, but it depends on what is causing their pain. If you have a bad back or arthritis it is more difficult to find an activity you can do, but there are options like water aerobics (as lame as that might sound). My doctors have also told me that regular exercise helps moderate chronic pain. People who get 30 minutes of exercise 4-5 times a week will be in better health and feel slightly less pain than those who don't.

Q: In your book, Half Assed: A Weight Loss Memoir, you don't specifically say what type of diet/exercise plan you used to lose weight. Why did you feel the need to keep that out of the book?

A: I believe that any healthy, sane diet that enables you to eat less calories than you burn will result in weight loss. I did not want people to think they had to follow the exact same diet I did to see results. Different plans work for different people. I also did not want to appear to be an evangelist or spokesperson for one specific diet. Nor did I want to be answering questions about the diet plan for the rest of my life. It's easy to find out what diet I was on my scanning my blog, so if you really want to know you can find out.

Q: Do you find that maintaining your weight loss is easier or harder than losing the weight in the first place? Why do you feel that way?

A: Maintenance is definitely harder than losing weight. I still have to do all the things I did when I was losing weight, but I do not get the positive reinforcement of seeing a lower number on the scale each week. Instead, I get to see the same number, or sometimes I see a small gain. I am also bombarded by temptations from other people and advertising to eat poorly. It is difficult to say no 20 times a day for the rest of your life.

It's also easy to get bored with a routine. If I eat the same meal too many times, I tend not to want to eat it again. If I do the exact same running routine 4 days a week, I get sick of it. I see my relationship with my body like any relationship. There was an initial phase of joyful infatuation that was lots of fun. Now I'm a couple years in at a more comfortable phase where I have to work harder to keep things interesting.

Q: Suppose a pill existed that would melt away excess pounds overnight. It has been tested in 50-year studies by the FDA, and has been determined to be perfectly safe. It has no side effects whatsoever. Would you take it? Why or why not?

A: Yeah, I would :) I love eating ice cream, cookies, and chocolate. If I could do that and not get fat, I'd eat a lot more of them. That said, I would also eat healthy foods out of concern for my overall health and because eating chocolate all the time gets old (believe it or not). I find that once I've had a milkshake or some cookies, I don't necessarily want to eat them again for a day or two. It's important to have variety in my diet like in my fitness routine. Also, just because a pill could stop me from gaining weight, it wouldn't keep me from building up plaque in my arteries or developing diabetes, so healthy eating could not be ignored completely.

Wow, thanks for the great insights, Jennette.

Now, if you haven't already, go buy her book! I got my copy the day it came out, and I can honestly say it's a great read. To keep following Jennette on her virtual tour, be sure to tune in tomorrow at This Mama Cooks!

Castaway

2009-01-14T07:59:00.003-06:00

When Angie and I were in the depths of our holiday binge-fest recently, she made the following comment while we were driving home from a buffet: "I am so sick of food."

I was too. Strange, how the thing I'm most addicted to can cause such a dichotomy of emotions within me. The more unhealthy garbage I ate, the less I enjoyed it. Each Big Mac tasted progressively less yummy than the last, yet I couldn't seem to stop myself. At that point, I believe it was pure addiction, and not true desire, that was driving me.

I often find myself wishing I could be stranded on a deserted island. Hopefully, I'd have ice skates and a volleyball like Tom Hanks did...but there's one thing I wouldn't have, and that's the ability to make food choices. Coconuts? Crab? Raw fish? Bring it on. But please, oh please, don't let there be Golden Arches on my island.

America is a country with a lot of freedom. Sure- there's life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness to contend with. But, we also have the freedom to get really fat, to get diabetes and heart disease, and to let our addictions to various things control our lives. I'm grateful for all these freedoms- even the ones that lead to negative consequences. I would hate to take the Right to Drive-Thru away from anyone. But I sometimes wish I could take it away from myself.

Whey to go

2009-01-12T20:35:00.002-06:00

I'm feeling pretty damn proud of myself today.

I've managed to not only avoid unhealthy foods, but I've actually enjoyed the nutritious things I ate today. I started the day with a huge smoothie with skim milk, fat free vanilla yogurt, frozen strawberries, and whey protein. Seems like I'm one of the last people to jump on the whey wagon, but I'm glad I finally did.

My big accomplishment for the day was that I ran 3 miles tonight. I think the last time I did that was about 2 months ago. Then, I tried out the new Biggest Loser Yoga DVD, which was tough but very enjoyable. (The plank pose can kiss my ass, however.)

In other news, my training for the Oklahoma City Marathon officially began today. Now that I know I can actually run, I feel a little more confident about getting back in the game. Heh.

Wake up calls and new beginnings

2009-01-06T19:33:00.002-06:00

Yeah, so it's been a while.

The past several weeks have been filled with food, drink, gluttony, and total ambivalence. I can't even tell you how many times I went through the drive through, how many beers I drank, and how many hours I sat on the couch. I also can't tell you how many pounds I've gained, because I've avoided the scale just as much as I've avoided the treadmill. I do know, however, that I'm currently wearing size 16 pants.

The scariest part is that I didn't really care until a couple days ago.

Angie and I were at a local restaurant for lunch. As we sat in our booth, I perused the menu and wondered whether to have a cheeseburger and fries or a salad. I opted for the salad. Granted, it had pieces of fried chicken, bacon, and shredded cheese. But hey- roughage and all, right?

That's when I started to feel strange. I was sweating bullets and I couldn't breathe. Everything faded to white and I couldn't hear anything. Then I passed out, right there in the booth. Angie later told me I was shaking while I was unconscious. When I woke up a few seconds later, all I wanted to do was get outside, into the cool winter air. Stupidly, I got on my feet and made my way toward the door. Almost made it, too. Right as I was about to reach the door, I collapsed near a booth of ladies. I awoke and a woman was patting my back and repeating "Are you okay, honey?"

"Oh, I wound up on the floor? How embarrassing," I replied in my stupor. I kept apologizing as Angie and the hostess helped me outside and handed me a glass of ice water. I took off all my extra layers and my shoes and took in the water like I hadn't had any in months.

I don't know exactly why I fainted twice in the middle of a Houlihan's, but I know that I have to fucking get real. Right now.

Yesterday, I got reacquainted with that lovely wagon that I've avoided for so long. It was tough. Today was worse, because my body realized I wasn't giving it all the sugar it was used to. It rebelled by giving me a monster headache and a bitchy attitude. I don't care, though. I don't want to die.

When a new season of The Biggest Loser started tonight, I knew it was a sign from the diet and exercise gods that I needed to test my fitness. I put on my workout clothes and noticed right away how much my body has really changed. The treadmill looked at me with surprise as I approached. "Oh, you're back, huh? You think you can just walk all over me after not talking to me for months?" If treadmills could talk, that's what mine would have said tonight. Nevertheless, I got on and was happily surprised to learn I can still run a mile.

So here I am. I'm still planning on rejoining my running group later this month and training for the Oklahoma City Marathon in April.

Here we go. In the words of the great PastaQueen: "Oh really, let's just fucking do this already!"

Woot woot!

Recommitment

2008-12-15T08:08:00.004-06:00

I'm sorry I've been one of those bad bloggers lately. The truth is, I've felt a total lack of inspiration. Every time I sit down to write a post, I've stared at the screen with a blank brain. It's frustrating.

As for the fight to stay healthy and fit, I'm not giving up. I've fallen off the wagon more times than I can count lately. And, since the marathon, my exercise has been sporadic at best. I keep looking back to the first weeks and months of my weight loss and wondering how the hell I found the motivation.

It's a tough time of year to be healthy. The wind chills are dropping, while the amount of sweet treats are rising everywhere. I can't seem to escape the gluttony and hedonism that is so prevalent during the holiday season.

When I saw Oprah's latest cover, I felt really, really bad for her. Here's a woman who is worth more money than I can even comprehend. Millions of people worship her and think she should run for president. She can have anything she wants...almost. The fact that, yet again, she wasn't able to maintain her weight loss proved that money can't buy everything. Even with my paycheck-to-paycheck lifestyle, I have something in common with Oprah Winfrey. So many of us do.

I'm still not giving up. As of this moment, I am recommitting myself to a healthy lifestyle. I ran a freaking marathon. I can do this.

New goals

2008-12-08T16:15:00.003-06:00

Let me get this off my chest before I go any further... I've been off the wagon for a while now.

I've been exercising very sporadically, and my diet has been... less than healthy. I'm sure I've gained more weight back, but I'm not freaking out. Thanks to my therapy sessions, I've started to learn that my worth doesn't depend on how much I weigh, or what size I am.

With that said, I'm not giving up. I still want to get back on the horse, but it's not about weight anymore. Now it's about health. Before, my weight loss was all about how I looked. I never appreciated all the positive changes that were taking place inside. My cholesterol was down, my glucose levels were great, and I felt wonderful. With every breath, I could feel the oxygen moving through my body.

I'll be back with my running group in mid-January, at which time I'll begin training for the Oklahoma City Marathon. Yup, that's right. I'm going to do another marathon. I think it will really help me to have a big goal like that on the horizon.

It's about health, not weight!

Still here

2008-12-02T20:09:00.002-06:00

I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving. Apart from eating too much, I had a very pleasant few days off work.

A real post will come soon, but for now I wanted to let you know I'm alive.

Gobbler Grind Half Marathon

2008-11-24T20:47:00.003-06:00

Yesterday I ran the Gobbler Grind half marathon. The weather forecast was calling for another chilly morning, so I put on pretty much the same outfit I wore for the previous weekend's race.

Angie and I drove out to the race site and met with Pritha, Ellen, Mandy, and Michelle. We were all looking forward to a light, easy run. I was going to treat it as a fun run, not worrying about setting any personal records.

We started off at a very slow pace to get warmed up. After that, we all went at our own speed. Pritha, who always has a secret goal in mind, cruised ahead. Mandy and I settled into a comfortable pace and spent the entire race together. Ellen and Michelle were close behind us. It was a really pleasant course; most of it was spent on park trails.

After about 8 or 9 miles, we weren't talking much. When the chatter stops, this usually means that we want it to be over. Mandy and I crossed the finish line together, with a time of 2 hours and 30 minutes. We met up with Angie and Pritha (who set a PR), and watched Ellen and Michelle cross the finish line.

I was standing around the finish area, when I was approached by a guy I'd never met before. His name was Jared, and he said he was a fan of the blog and wanted to introduce himself. This was the first time I'd ever been "recognized" because of my blog, and I must admit it felt absolutely wonderful.

Now I just need the paparazzi to follow me around. And a posse. You can't be a celebrity without a posse.

Working out at work

2008-11-18T15:45:00.002-06:00

Our offices just moved to a new location, and we now have a gym. Normally, I go home at lunch to let the dog out, but today I didn't have to. So, I decided to try out the gym.

Back in 7th-grade gym class was the first time I remember having to change clothes in public. I hated it, probably because I felt fat and inadequate compared to the other girls. After a few days of humiliation, I opted to change in a bathroom stall for the foreseeable future.

Not much has changed. Today I entered the locker room with my workout clothes. I eyeballed the area; I was alone. Still, I gravitated toward a stall and changed in there. I'm not sure why, exactly. I'm not exactly pleased with my physique, but I'm much more confident than I was at age 13. Perhaps I just didn't want to cross that boundary of letting my co-workers see me naked (or me seeing them naked, for that matter).

Anyway, I jumped on a treadmill and did a 5 mile jog. At one point, I looked out the window and a window washer dude was swaying in the breeze, sitting in his little harness. He smoked a cigarette as he wiped each window down. I wondered where he'd flick the butt when he was done.

Doing my workout in a different setting was a pleasant change. It reminded me that it's good to switch things up when I get bored. It also left me with a Zen-like calm which has carried over into the rest of my work day.

Now, if I can just work up the courage to change clothes in the locker room...

Pilgrim Pacer 10K

2008-11-16T07:43:00.003-06:00

When it comes to cold weather running, I'm a total wimp. I'd rather run in 90 degree heat than freezing temperatures any day. So, it came as no surprise that I was feeling less than thrilled about participating in this race. When I woke up Saturday, the temperature was 31 degrees. As Angie and I drove to the race site, a very light snow was falling.

Despite the weather, I was feeling good. The preceding days had been a real success in terms of my eating, and I was down 6 lbs. on the scale from my weigh-in on November 1st. I was also meeting up with Mandy and Pritha for the race, and I'm always happy to run with friends.

We stood around for a few minutes, then it was time to run. I wanted to finish in under an hour, so I tried to keep a fairly aggressive pace (at least for me) from the very start. However, it took very little time before I got really tired. I made the stupid mistake of not eating anything prior to the race. Normally I'd at least have a banana or a slice of bread. I also realized that it had been months since I'd tried to run with speed in mind. During marathon training, I had built up my endurance, but lost quite a bit of speed.

Still, I tried my best to keep up a decent pace. The three of us were together for about the first mile, then Pritha surged ahead. It was difficult for me to keep up much of a conversation, but I tried to chat with Mandy as much as possible. Having a buddy really does make the time go by.

Once we warmed up, the cold was totally unnoticeable. It was really pleasant, actually. The course was very pretty, winding its way through a local nature park. At some point, my empty stomach became a problem and I started to feel pretty weak. I had to stop and walk quite a bit during the last mile. My finish time was somewhere around 1:06, which is less than stellar, but I'll take it. The run was more about getting a workout in and hanging out with my friends.

Rather than the usual bananas and orange segments, they served hot apple cobbler and hot chocolate after this race. I shared mine with Angie while we all stayed warm in the car.

I treated myself with a spaghetti dinner and a slice chocolate cake last night. While it felt strange breaking my abstinence, I didn't feel guilty, nor did it lead to a binge. I'm back to my routine today and still feeling strong and confident. For the first time in a while, I have a sense of hope that I won't always think about food every minute of every day.

Small victories

2008-11-13T08:41:00.002-06:00

Last night was rough. I left my grandmother's nursing home feeling depressed and hungry...not a good combination. Upon arriving home, I ate my planned dinner, but still wanted more. Of course, I wasn't truly hungry, but my emotional state dictated that I stuff my face with all the foods I'd been avoiding the past 7 days.

I barely even tried to fight it. I just wanted to give in and let myself go. I put on my best puppy dog face and looked at Angie. She knows that look, but I've told her lately to ignore it. No matter what I say or do, don't get me fast food. I could tell she was torn. She wanted to make me happy, but would it really make me happy to eat that stuff? Certainly not. She also wanted to get food for herself, which probably made it twice as hard to resist my pleadings.

After much pressure, she broke down and went to change clothes before hopping in the car and driving to McDonald's. As she walked into the other room, I realized how selfish and sabotaging I was being. I was dragging her into my downward spiral, and it was supremely unfair. I called to her. She came back into the living room and looked at me. I just shook my head. No, don't go.

She sat down on the couch with me and I cried. My tears were the result of all the exhaustion and frustration involved with resisting the urge to binge. Most normal eaters probably don't realize how hard it is to bring yourself back from the brink like that. I can count the times I've been able to do that on one hand. More than will power, it takes energy. By the time I knew I wasn't going to binge after all, I was totally spent. I took a long bath, hoping to get started on a new book. But, I just sat in the tub, staring into space. I couldn't bring myself to force my eyes to move across the page.

I'm proud of myself for eventually resisting. But, I'm still very sorry for all the misery I'm sure I caused Angie. It felt as though I was asking her to go score me drugs or something. It felt very wrong. Screwing up my "sobriety" is one thing; having her assist me is another.

Today marks one week of abstaining from my trigger foods. I'll admit I haven't made totally healthy choices. I ate too much for dinner on Tuesday night, but it wasn't a binge. I also skipped my workouts the past two days. However, I feel that my eating is normalizing and I'm on the right track.

The Fat Matrix has you

2008-11-10T20:25:00.003-06:00

I remember the day I told a friend of mine that a glazed donut has around 220 calories. Her face went from smiling to a look of startled disbelief. It shattered her world, the poor thing.

I also remember a time when I, myself, was blissfully ignorant about the foods I was eating. A pint of ice cream is so small...it can't be more than 500 calories. Fried chicken has lots of protein, so it's good for my muscles. Brie has calcium.

Give me a break.

On May 1, 2007, I was reborn into a new world. In the movie The Matrix, Neo is ripped from his lifelong sleep into what seems like hell. The things he once loved to do, eat, see, and smell were all gone. That's kind of how I felt when I started losing weight. That's when I learned a pint of Ben & Jerry's would set me back about 1500 calories. Fried chicken, to my dismay, was really bad for you. Brie was, in fact, glorified butter with a moldy rind. It was a sad, sad time.

As I phased out those old favorites, however, I learned to appreciate and even like some foods I once shunned. Egg substitute had once been a scary, viscous liquid that came in a carton. Now I eat it almost daily. Sugar free fudge pops may not be as numbing as a pint of Haagen Daaz, but they're surprisingly creamy and delicious. Apparently, chicken can be cooked on a device called a grill, rather than a vat of bubbling lard. And, it even tastes good. Who knew?

Sometimes I wish I could be ignorant again. I may have been obese, but I didn't worry about calories, fat grams, and trans fats. I just ate. Of course, things got grossly out of hand, and I, like Neo, was reborn. There's no going back now. I may have gained some weight back recently, but this time I know exactly what I'm doing to myself. That's why I knew my behavior had to stop. I'm 5 days clean now, and feeling better every day.

Now I just have to learn how to stop time and bend reality.

Knock on wood

2008-11-09T11:52:00.003-06:00

Since my last post, things have been going remarkably well. I think I hit a new bottom that day, and there wasn't anywhere to go but up.

This is my 4th day sober. By sober, of course, I mean "binge free." I already feel much better. My attitude has improved, I feel more slender, and my pants are slightly looser. I'm not going to step on the scale, though, for fear of seeing a number I don't like and getting so depressed that I throw myself into a McDonald's drive-through again.

I've decided, at least for now, to totally abstain from my trigger foods. No cookies, ice cream, fast food... not one bite. Moderation is great for those people who can actually moderate. If I had that ability, I wouldn't have gotten to 264 lbs. in the first place. Come to think of it, as I was losing the weight, I never ate my trigger foods. This would account for part of my success. I can't say I'll never have a cookie again, but for now I'm staying away from them (and everything else that gives me trouble).

Last night, Angie and I attended a banquet for my running group. It was pot-luck, so there was a lot of unhealthy food. Even runners know how to throw down with salt, fat, and sugar. One dude walked in carrying a pizza, and fried chicken even made an appearance. My strategy was to indulge myself, but to have one plate, and also stay away from the desserts. And, by "one plate," that did NOT mean I was allowed to make a mountain of food that would cause the paper plate to buckle under its immense weight. It had to be a reasonable amount. I got some lean barbecue meat, some cheesy baked pasta stuff, some curried fish (which was amazing and I hope to post the recipe soon), and a few other odds and ends. When I saw the desserts, I just kept walking.

The conversation was so good at the table that it took me a long time to eat. Normally, I eat really fast. When I'm talking, it takes longer. It was nice to actually taste my food for once. After dinner, the coach showed some video clips, presented awards, and recognized those of us who finished our first marathons. It was a wonderful way to bring closure to the experience, and also open a different chapter.

Oscar the Grouch

2008-11-06T08:09:00.002-06:00

Eating out of the trash can. The only people I know who do this are either poor, compulsive eaters, or Oscar the Grouch. Have you done it?

Last night, things were going really well. I didn't want to cook dinner, so we opted for Subway. Looking back on my choices for the day, I was pretty proud of myself. I'd managed to stay away from a delicious praline pumpkin dessert that was brought into work.

A few minutes after dinner, that familiar urge beckoned me to the nearest convenience store. I played along, and wound up with a 4 pack of ice cream drumsticks, a package of Milano cookies, and some pretzels. Oh, and 100-calorie pack popcorn. WTF? Of course, the drumsticks were gone by the end of the night, and I had several of the cookies.

Needless to say, I'm feeling pretty low this morning. My problem is binge eating after dinner. That's usually the only time of day I do it.

Anyway, when I walked into the kitchen this morning, I saw the package of remaining Milanos staring back at me. At that time of day, the idea of eating one disgusted me, but I knew if I kept them around, they'd be a problem tonight. I started to put them in the trash can, but stopped myself. I am one of the lucky people who can't say I've ever dug anything out of the trash and eaten it. I don't want to start now. So, I put them down the sink and ran the garbage disposal. As I listened to the cookies disintegrate into wet, mealy pieces, I wondered why I continue to sabotage myself. I'm still working on a reason. Let me know if you have any ideas.

Until next time... don't be like Oscar. Stay out of the garbage.

Root canal

2008-11-03T15:40:00.003-06:00

I've been in lots of pain for the last 3 days. I got into the dentist this morning and was told I'd need a root canal. It's scheduled for tomorrow at 11:30 a.m.

I've been lucky enough to have fairly good dental health throughout my 30 years. I only have 1 filling. Now, the prospect of having some dude put a needle in my gums and drill a hole in my tooth fills me fear and anxiety. Ugh.

On the upside, perhaps the painkillers they'll give me will make me forget about food.

Bacon tastes good...

2008-10-31T16:45:00.003-05:00

... mayonnaise tastes good.

Perhaps you were expecting me to pull a John Travolta and say "Bacon tastes good. Pork chops taste good." Nope, sorry. I had to tweak that classic line from Pulp Fiction just a little, because there was no better way to introduce you to this lovely product:

When I first saw this on my friend Michael's blog, I thought it was a joke. Nope, it's real. Baconnaise. Can you believe that? I thought I'd seen it all with the fountain of ranch dressing.

I don't know what's worse: the fact that there is such a product, or the fact that I kind of want to try it.

*Morgan hangs her head in shame.*

Have a happy Halloween! I'm going as a jar of Baconnaise.

Don't Get Any Bigger

2008-10-29T08:16:00.004-05:00

I've never had a one night stand, but the thoughts and feelings I had this morning were eerily similar to what I would think the "morning after" guilt feels like. Literally the moment I woke up, just two words came to my head. Binge. Guilt.

Although I've managed to stay away from fast food since Sunday (quite a big deal for me lately), that doesn't mean I'm not susceptible to binges. Last night, things were going really well. It was my second day on the wagon, and I was feeling great. Then, for some stupid reason, I thought I should have a tiny snack before bed. Looking back, I don't even remember what that first morsel was, but it was the catalyst for what came next. Lots of toast with Laughing Cow cheese. Fiber One toaster pastries. Low fat string cheese. All healthy things when taken separately. Together, a perfect storm of gluttony.

This morning, I grabbed some freshly-laundered khakis and pulled them on with ease. "Oh good, maybe things are turning around," I thought. Buttoning them, however, was a whole different proposition. Nearly in tears, I took them back off and put on some jeans. They're snug too, but they don't cut off my circulation. They are size 12 jeans, for those of you who are curious. When I was on my way down the scale, size 12 was like the Garden of Eden of the pants world. It was the first size I'd wear in years that wasn't considered "plus." Now that they're tight on me, they are a warning, in huge, red, flashing letters: DON'T GET ANY BIGGER.

Logically, I know I don't look like this anymore:

But, I feel like that on the inside today.

The Punisher

2008-10-27T21:54:00.003-05:00

I've started to live in fear of putting my pants through the washer and dryer. It seems like each time I do, they get a size smaller. Wishful thinking, I know. My pants aren't getting smaller; I'm getting bigger.

At my personal trainer appointment on Saturday, the trainer put me on the scale, and measured my body fat as well. The body fat percentage was 30%. I'm not quite ready to reveal my weight to the world wide web right now. However, I promise, no matter what the number is- I will post it on Saturday. I just want a few days to see what I can do.

Apart from my showdown with the scale, my appointment went well. When I entered the facility and met The Punisher (as he will be called henceforth), I was slightly taken aback when I saw he wasn't a beefcake. In fact, it looks like he's eaten a little too much beef and cake lately. I'm not one to judge a person's fitness on his or her size, though. As I've seen time and time again, overweight people can often put skinny people to shame with their physical abilities.

He put me on the treadmill for a few minutes to warm up. I wasn't very enthused about being on the "dreadmill" after a long run that very morning, but it was only a warm up. He then put me through several circuits of weights, cardio, squats, crunches, and even some boxing. Switching exercises so frequently kept things interesting and moving along.

When I walked out (after pre-paying for 4 more sessions), I wondered if I'd gotten my money's worth. For some reason, I was expecting to be beaten and bludgeoned into a tenderized, weepy pulp. But, I wasn't even sore, and I wasn't sweating very much.

The next day, I was whistling a different tune, and the name of that tune was "When Oh When (Will My Thighs Work Again)." The Punisher hath reigned his sneaky, delayed-onset torture upon me. To add insult to agony, he gave me homework. I did my first assignment tonight, and I'm sure I'll be even more sore tomorrow (if that's even possible). My next appointment is Thursday.

I shall now hobble to bed.

This just in: Morgan turns down a free cupcake

2008-10-25T11:12:00.004-05:00

The wagon. I'm on it. Again.

I met up with my running group at 7:30 this morning with the intention of putting in 6 miles. Should be chump change compared to last weekend, I thought. Not so much. I got it done, but it was more difficult than I thought it would be.

After we were done, we got breakfast and then popped into Macy's. They were having a big 150th "birthday" celebration, and there was a huge tower of cupcakes. White cake. White icing. Sprinkles. If you're a newer reader and unfamiliar with my love of cupcakes, you can catch up by reading this post.

I turned it down, which surprised my friends, and me as well. Part of the reason I turned it down is because I was finally able to book an appointment with a personal trainer, and I'm meeting him at noon today. I didn't want my first session to be tainted by cupcake confessionals. I haven't even met the guy yet, and already I'm afraid of him giving me a scornful or disappointed look.

I'll be sure and write a post about the experience. Hopefully I'll get a good vibe from him and want to book more sessions.

Rethinking my image

2008-10-22T18:48:00.004-05:00

Wednesdays and Fridays are my nights to go see my grandmother at her nursing home. On Wednesday, I brought along pictures from the marathon to show her. Old people love to look at pictures. Grammy likes it when I bring my camera and hook it up to her giant TV so she can see everything on the big screen. It somehow makes her think that I'm technologically savvy because I can do this. She's always telling the people who work there that her granddaughter "works on computers." It's cute.

Anyway, I've heard many overweight people say that they didn't realize how big they were until they saw a picture of themselves. As I was viewing my image over and over again on a TV the size of my previously obese torso, I took notice of something.

Take a gander my mid-section there. It's gotten bigger lately. Sure, I'm all smiles in these photos, and I have my medal to hide behind, but who am I kidding? I'm gaining weight, and it's only going to get worse unless I take some action. Weight loss, in my opinion, is 75% nutrition and 25% exercise. No matter how many miles I'm running, fast food is not good for me. Running a marathon does not suddenly turn McDonald's into health food.

I also have come to the realization that I'm putting my health in the hands of others too much. I'm not taking responsibility. Angie and I are sabotaging each other right and left. There's no malice in it. It's not as if she wants me to gain my weight back, nor do I have that wish for her. However, we still manage to enable each other with all this junk food. That has to stop.

None of the 6 personal trainers I've emailed or called have contacted me back. I took that as some sort of sign that it's not time to get back on the wagon yet. Ridiculous! I can't believe I'm making those kinds of bargains and excuses again.

Like many people who struggle with weight, I seem to have a split personality. One half of me is the confident person who can run marathons, plan and prepare healthy meals, and stick to a routine. The other half is an insecure glutton who can only think about where her next junk food fix will come from. My brain is a boxing ring, and both of these personalities are duking it out. The glutton seems to have won the last several rounds. It's time to turn things around.

I went ahead and signed up for the Gobbler Grind half marathon next month. I plan on running 3-4 days per week. I'm also excited to get back into strength training 2-3 times per week. I had to give that up 2 weeks before the marathon, and I can't wait to pick up a set of dumbbells again. I really love feeling like a strong, buff bitch after a weights workout. More than anything, however, I MUST get my food choices back under control. That's the key.

During my heaviest years, I didn't like being photographed. As I lost weight, I stopped hiding and started smiling for the camera. I don't want to hide again.

Now what?

2008-10-22T06:47:00.003-05:00

With the marathon behind me, I'm looking for a new goal. My running friends are all thinking about their next race. Maybe a 10K or a half-marathon next month? Hmm.... I don't know. Am I ready for that?

All my running books say I need a few weeks off from hard training, especially after the beating I've just put myself through. I haven't exercised since Saturday. At first, I wasn't physically able to exercise, since I could hardly move my legs. Yesterday, however, I was pretty much back to normal. It was strange and surprisingly uncomfortable to be watching The Biggest Loser from the couch, rather than the treadmill. I felt guilty. In fact, the post-marathon depression that I've heard about is here, big time. Yesterday I felt incredibly down. I kept thinking that I'll never again feel like I did when I crossed that finish line. I'll never have another first marathon. Still, there's nothing I can do about that, so I have to try my best to move on.

I put in a few emails to some personal trainers around Kansas City. I figured a few sessions would be a good idea. Now that I don't have the "I'm a training for a marathon and I need a lot of carbs" card to play, there's no reason why I can't lose the weight I gained during training.

My next move is to just plan my next move. There are lots of options. I just have to research them, pick something, and get on board.