american idol rant

Wild Card

2006-02-25T22:21:00.000-08:00

I wholeheartedly agree with those of you out there thinking that getting rid of the wild card feature was one of AI's biggest mistakes.

I do like the way the judges massacre the heck out of the Hollywood bound by putting them on the chopping block so quickly (and often) once they arrive in Hollywood. It's a good way to come up with this semi-final group. But then once we vote this group down, I think the judges should bring a wild-card choice in to stir things up. Perhaps it could be anyone from the Hollywood group and later. AND they could actually replace someone who shouldn't have made it that far with their wild card choice. I think they should be able to dismiss someone and replace them with their wild card choice. Yes! That's it. That would do it for me. What a moment that would be. Everyone is back on the chopping block in that one moment.

O.k. doing it that way would make up for stupid voting - people voted off too early (Patrick) or people getting through who have overstayed their welcome - think back to goat girl, red-haired crooner & marine boy. It could also give the judges a chance for a "do over" if they were on the bubble about someone who maybe should have gotten a shot in the first place.

The argument of course with the wild card performer is that this person is dropped back into the competition all fresh and ready to go without having suffered through all the stress and strain that the others have just endured for weeks. Whatever. There's nothing equal and fair about the whole thing if I'm keeping it real for you folks. People can vote for anyone for any reason in any quantity they desire on any given week. There's no guarantee that anyone is getting through based on their actual talent anyway so why worry about it? Give us a wild card pick. Come on FOX .... do it... I triple dog dare you.

Hey, but that's just me. And what do I know.

Anyway.... I'm sure you've guessed that this all to say that I don't think Patrick should have been voted off yet. There were clearly worse performances. But you know, what did I say about him after the performance show? That he was forgettable. That I didn't even remember his performance either by the time we were dialing 1-866-vote a friend - and I loved this guy's voice. What did I remember on the other hand? His super freaky friends in the audience! That's what we were talking about instead of his voice...

Lesson learned I hope. Never take friends to the show that may upstage you. I'd have mistakenly voted for them if they had a number flashed under their faces... that's how much more memorable they were.

I'm out.

Oh the pain of it all...

2006-02-23T16:52:00.000-08:00

What the heck?!?!

WHAT THE.......

(((sigh))) I'm here. And you know, I started watching this season and was sooooo uninspired. I was thinking maybe this is it. You know, like when Survivor got to like island #56 or something... just not all that interesting anymore.

But then they flew their butts to Hollywood and started singing to me. Calling me back. And when Taylor Hicks strolled his Ray Charles behind down the middle of that judging room blowing some heat on that harmonica.... ya'll I knew I'd lost my mind. It was over. I was back.

So Shonda talked about the girls. And I'm with ya'... Now the boys last night... that's all a TiVo fast forward moment except for 3 people. I mean is there no advice for these boys on their song choices? That was just painful in some cases. Truly painful.

Sway... I LOVES ME SO SWAY... but honey absolutely a brutal song choice. Now get this. I liked it after I played it back a few times. But I didn't love it. And it made my ears bleed the first time I watched it. I knew Simon was gonna massacre him cause he HATES that whole falsetto thing like he hates wearing white shirts. But I think he has the lady appeal which is what drew me in after playing it back a few times. You CAN hear pretty Shonda. I think you can. (or I did anyway last night!)

Patrick - once again I love this guy's voice but the song choice was horrible. Sad really. Hopefully he won't be forgotten. I had forgotten him by the end of the show myself sadly. Not until I saw the playbacks did I go "Oh... I should remember to vote for him."

Taylor - another bad song choice for an amazing voice. Please stick to your old bluesy, r&b, old southern stuff and leave that song alone.

Ace - oh he's good. Yummyliscous and a good singer. This boy can sing his butt off and unlike the others, he selected a perfect song. PERFECT for his voice and vibe and all that was yummyliscious about George Michael was oozing out of this kid too. BUT I was feeling a little like vomiting when he channeled Constantine at the end. I HATED that Constantine thing. If you're listening honey I have some advice: For the love of God Ace drop that crap now!

HHhhmmm... my rocker dude Chris. I loved that number. First of all I love that song. Yep, I love a little rock just like the next girl out there. And I love this boy for some reason. Rough and rocker, but not all Joe Cocker kinds of weird like Bo was. (Oh don't all act like it's just me who felt that way about Bo. Ya'll know you thought that too.) Clean cut, rocker. Doesn't get any better - in a rocker sort of world.

And the best of the show in my opinion: Elliott. The best male voice no question. Crazy soulful white boy with a last name like Yamin? HUH?!?! Go on with your bad self! But let me say this... he does not have what Ace and Sway have... the looker thing. Spend some of your first recording contract dollars on some dental work baby. It's o.k..... I'm still voting for you all the way.

Best 2 moment of the show: For all you TiVoers... go back and watch Patrick's performance. Just the end and through the judging when they show "Patrick's Friends" caption under 2 of THE scariest, freakiest people who look every bit of 55 years old cheering him on in the audience I've ever seen in my life. I played that back over and over again. My remote is worn out. It's a better audience moment than Fantasia's pimp looking, gold lame shirt, fedora wearing daddy ever was. SCARY. I'm not so sure the woman isn't a drag queen... and that's o.k. if she is... but I'm sorry, don't go to support your friend getting his big break on AI in bad drag. That's just a tip. (And don't go writing me about how I'm a drag queen hater... cause I sooooo am not. But I do give sound advice about social situations and t.v. camera moments - drag queen or not. Get your hair and makeup done professionally or something is all I'm saying!) O.k. I couldn't help it. I just ran back to my t.v. and watched it again. Oh stop! Just stop the madness. I can't stop laughing.

O.k. the 2nd great moment was when Simon told that freaky Gedeon character that his smile was scary, creepy or whatever it was it was just flat out howling F-U-N-N-Y.

Alright. That's my take on things right now for the guys. Results are coming on.

I'm out.

Okay, okay, OKAY already...

2006-02-21T23:29:00.000-08:00

So I had no intention of blogging.

Not this season.

I mean, I had the intention but things got busy and life got busy and besides, those damn audition shows GET ON MY NERVES what with all the sad crazy folk out there who think they can sing and then get on TV and get made fools of. It makes me sad, those people with their delusions. Because, hey, I like to sing as much as the next person -- in the shower. But even I can hear how bad I sound. And if I couldn't hear it, at least my family loves me enough to not let me go on believing I'm Whitney when I am clearly not. But these people...clearly, they have no one who loves them. Because there they are on the TV screen, howling like cats and acting all shocked when Simon yells at them.

Which is a long way of saying, I had decided that my love affair with AI was over.

AI and I were getting a divorce.

But I couldn't stop sneaking a peek at the Tivo every once in a while to see what was going down. And so it happened.

What always freaking happens.

THIS STUPID SHOW HOOKED ME AGAIN!!!

Tonight was...well, the word for the night is "adorable." Yep, adorable. Why? Three names -- Lisa, Paris and Katherine. Could there be three girls on the planet more made for this competition?

I. Don't. Think. So.

Two of them are barely out of diapers at 16 and one is barely legal at 21. And they sing so good. They sing so good that they make up for last season. Remember the Diva Season? With the three divas who could SANG? Remember Fantasia? Remember the good old days?

These girls were better than the good old days. Mainly because they were so adorable that I wanted to wrap them up like presents and take them home. Plus, they had talent.

Thank the Gods for talent.

Now, y'all know there were some bad performances tonight too. What was up with the chick who thought she was a rocker? Why was she there? Was she there because Randy and Simon thought she was hot? Because pretty don't reach the ears, people. Becky needs to go be on America's Next Top Model and leave us alone. That's my career advice for the night.

I am more excited for the men tomorrow. Y'all, I'm in love with the gray haired boy. IN LOVE. Taylor Hicks is my new pretend husband. He's so Ray Charles meets crazy country boy. I adore him. ADORE. LOVE. ADORE.

Okay, let me calm myself.

I also have a crazy country boy thang for Bucky Covington. How can you not love that boy? He's all "y'all" and "ev'body" and "yessir". Then he opens his mouth and becomes better than every country star I've ever seen. He rocks. He rolls. He makes me forget I hate country music.

Okay. I'm hooked again. The divorce is off.

AI + Shonda 4ever TLA.

What did y'all think?

We ain't in hiding...

2006-01-30T21:53:00.000-08:00

....no, we are here.

And boy have we missed y'all. Dancing with the Stars, Skating with Celebs, Survivor, The Biggest Loser...all of it was a prelude to the real thing coming on back. AI 2006!

Now, I must admit that my pet peeve is blogging about the auditions. I hate them as they don't show us enough good singing. They don't bring the talent. They bring the humiliations.

But I have already picked my winner. A little girl named Paris. Did you see her? She's so freaking cute and SOOOO freaking talented!

I can not WAIT until they all get to LA and we can see who has the goods and who does not. That's when the blogging will begin with a frenzy....

To Quote Fantasia: "Finally, I Believe..."

2005-05-25T22:40:00.000-07:00

After a season so boring that i couldn't even be bothered to post most nights...

After a Tuesday night finale so dull that I hit pause and went to bed because I didn't care if I missed it live...

After a year of heart ache and anger and rants and raves about WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO MY FAVORITE SHOW...

...the finale was spectacular.

Yes, y'all. I'm a believer once again. Never thought it would happen. But I'm in. I'm back. I could not stay away after that.

Look. Carrie was good. Bo was good. Whoever won, it was all good. But I felt no passion. Had no favorites. Frankly, did not give a crap who won. Whatever. But tonight...

...tonight...

...tonight, after about an hour and thirty-two minutes of some of the lamest time-filling skits and montages and bad Ryan Seacrest banter I've ever seen (and I've seen a'plenty)...

...tonight...

...they gave us a series of musical numbers so good that I rewound to watch not one, not two, not three, but FOUR times in a row.

Babyface?

Vonzell on a piano?

GEORGE BENSON?

Lynnrd Freakin' Skynnrd?

Did you SEE that?

It was good. It was GREAT. It was FLAWLESS in its TV-perfection. It was pure Idol.

(I'd like to take a moment to give a shout out to Jessica's belly bulge hanging over her pants -- the one dark spot in the evening. Y'all know I have nothing against a girl with meat on her bones. As long as that meat ain't served up in my face.)

But back to the beauty. That musical medley ALMOST made up for an entire top 12 season of some of the worst and dullest performances I've ever witnessed. It ALMOST made up for the fact that there were no makeovers this year. It ALMOST covered up my pain at the lack of "Real World"-style footage of our contestants living in a giant but blandly decorated mansion in the hills.

ALMOST.

Not quite.

ALMOST.

You know what FULLY made up for all of AI's crimes in 2005?

Carrie.

Yep. I said it.

Carrie.

JonBenet Barbie herself.

In about five seconds -- the time it took Ryan to rip open that envelope and announce the winner --- she went from freaky boring singing automaton back to that cute milkmaid from Oklahoma who sang to her cows. She went from icky to sweet. I hate Carrie. Y'all know I do. But in the end, Carrie did the thing.

She did what every Idol winner in the history of AI does.

She got the magic.

They called her name. Her face lit up. She cried. And she turned into the American Dream.

It's corny. It's so downright cheese-y that it makes me want to hurl. It's lame. It's naive. It's stupid. It's a corny, cheese-y, lame, naive, stupid modern day Miss America pageant complete with confetti and a closing song.

And I love every minute of it. Every year. Every time.

Damn that Idol show for making me cry.

That's the genuis of Idol. It's why the show works. No matter how cynical you are feeling going into the final night, by the end, you are wiping away tears, swaying to the freakin' music and thinking to yourself, "God, I love this show."

I hope that next year, I am more glass half full about the show. I hope they bring back the makeovers. I hope they have contestants I can get behind with a crazed passion. I hope Idol 2006 is the season of my dreams.

But even if it isn't, I will get suckered into watching. Because I love that last five minutes. Because I am a fool in love for the confetti and the tears and the song. Because Idol is always Idol no matter how much they try to mess it up.

And until next season...

...is it just me or can you NOT WAIT to watch the dueling Dance Competition shows on Fox and ABC?

Dancing. To votes. It's like...Dirty Dancing with Baby out of the corner. It's Footloose without the barns. It's EVERY SINGLE MADONNA VIDEO EVER MADE.

Joy.

Oh, happy joy.

This is Shonda, reporting alive once again from my sofa.

The Bo Bice World Tour

2005-05-18T17:07:00.000-07:00

I was actually excited. I got up a little excitement for the big final 3 showdown. I like all 3 of these contestants and this year.... they can all sing their butts off. So maybe that's what makes it all so .... so.... so.....

I don't know.

But something is different this year about it because it doesn't seem so important to choose one over the other. Hhhmmm...

Moving on. I want to give a big shout out to my boy George Huff in the house last night. And I was so glad they gave Clive a seat at the table to be a real judge... til he opened his mouth and sounded like he was 150 years old yearning for the younger years. Oh sorry. That just slipped out. On with the show.

Bo = winner. I'm not voting for him. But he is a hot, very talented performer who is a ROCK STAR. ROCK..... and ROLL.... you go boy! Right before Randy said it, I said to myself "Is this American Idol or Bo's world tour pay per view?!?" He was performing like it was his private concert and Stepford Wife and Baby V (that V stands for VENEERS - the whitest teeth I've ever seen) were his opening and intermission acts. But those girls held their own I'll tell you that. Everybody came to play. A quick run down:

Bo - Clive's choice: Don't Let the Sun... I thought to myself as they said the title ELTON JOHN?!?! WHA!?! But then he sang that song ya'll. SANG in his shades giving himself some funk and world tour hotness and all. Bo's choice: I dont' know what that was. BUT I am not in agreement with half the world who believes this was the single greatest performance they've seen on Idol. It takes alot to impress me... and that wasn't it. Acappella stunts do not impress. But it had all the WOW factor it needed to get him the votes. And that was his point ya'll. Judges choice: I can't get no satisfaction. O.k. Bo and the Stones?!! DUH! Bo & the Stones is like checking Paula's purse for pain killers - you know the outcome. But guess what? Once again it wasn't all super star for me. I mean it was good. But I was sooo with Simon on this one. Not THAT good boy. Still I felt he had a great night. Sounded good, looked all kinds of hot rock star and that's probably where the votes are coming from. But I just have one thing to say, it's American Idol Bo... you ain't on pay per view yet boy.

Vonzell - Clive's choice: Never Love This Way Again. And may you never sing that pitchy again. Oh V I was sad for you. It was good... but those of us who really know.... knew it was pitchy here and there. You looked good though. A little beauty pageanty and all, but still very pretty dress. Next choice: Chain of Fools was HOT, HOT, HOT. That girl sang the heck out of that song. This performance got the replay award in my house last night. I must have Tivo'd that back at least 10 times before watching the rest of the show. And she looked good in those jeans and sweater (Vonzell, email me and tell me where you got the sweater girl). Final song: On the Radio. FINALLY!! How the heck did we get all the way to season 4 without hearing my beloved queen of disco Donna Summer?!?! Every time they did Disco night I wrote about not hearing any Donna Summer. Go Vonzell. But.... V.... honey..... take that pink sequin tube top and those horrible black cropped pants I hate back to the store. If we can get past the tube top Vonzell actually had a very hot night. But she seems to be going unnoticed next to Bo and Carrie.

Carrie - Clive's Choice: Cryin'. HUH?!?! Clive what? Did anyone else wonder what that was about? But she sang it with all kinds of greatness. Her voice is incredible. Hard to believe this girl is hanging out milking cows with her dad with an undiscovered voice like that. Carrie's choice: AIR SUPPLY. AAHHHHH kill me know I thought. I chocked on my drink when Ryan said it. I swear. But guess what? Once again... she powered it out and pulled it off. And thank goodness she got the memo and stayed away from the 80's hair or those Stepford dresses last night. Whew. Judges choice: Man I feel like a woman. Once again.... DUH!! And just like when I thought Bo's was a DUH moment.... it wasn't. I wasn't all that impressed. Bad arrangement. Poor performance. But she did alright vocally. Just alright. I'm just a little surprised that she couldn't pull off a better pure country pop performance with a perfect Shania song.

O.k. so to sum it up. All 3 had some HOT and some just O.k. moments. Noone blew it and sucked the big one. And all 3 are very talented. This is a tough one. My gut tells me Bo is a shoo-in. And Vonzell's gone unnoticed and will be flying home next to her daddy in a bad pimp suit.

well the results are on and I'm out!

A guest judge... maybe?!?!

2005-05-14T22:59:00.000-07:00

Note to AI Producers: Please let Clive sit at the big kids table Tuesday night.

Would you just give us a little excitement? HUH?!?

Tuesday night, Clive Davis is scheduled to appear on the Idol to add his knowledgable 2 cents about the final 3. Clive is like the Pope of pop for those of you that don't know who I'm talking about. A press release states he's scheduled to appear, but there's no word on what the format will be or if he'll just be speaking on that crazy big screen instead of speaking live from say A CHAIR AT THE TABLE (hint, hint..... producers!). And dont write me Catholics... I'm down with the Pope and all, I'm just saying... he's big and all... you know....

Anyway, we may get a little boost.

See, everyone talked about how they hated the guest judges and all in previous seasons... well look what all your whining brought you this year people. No press and curls from the 80's disco star has beens. No great celebrity opinions while the contestants slave away at their side at the piano somewhere. No double Paula like don't want to hurt anyone's feelings comments from the artists that didn't want to burn their slim to none chance at a comeback. No nothing.

.....aaaahhhhh... those were the days. Can we get a little Clive in the house Tuesday night?

Can we just get a little bit of guest judge?

I'm out.

Thank goodness that's over...

2005-05-12T16:53:00.000-07:00

I'm talking about the pain that was Anthony Federov.

Thank goodness that's over.

WOW.

I was getting worried. I was beginning to think the whole world was on crack (except for me, Shonda and the guy who delivers my Fed Ex at work... dreamy looking and anyone that on time and reliable cannot be on crack... ANYWAY)....

But now you have voted him off and all is well. So the final 3 will duel it out next week.

Vonzell will belt something else out while wearing an o.k. dress and heels that are obviously WAY too high for her to walk well in let alone shake her very bootyliscous booty. And her dad and brothers will be there in all their pimp looking glory.

Bo will wear another cool I'm too sexy for this show hip shirt, contrasted with the starkly center parted I'm sooooooo stuck on the 80's and all that crack I smoked hair and sing another great rendition of something we all know. And Randy will say he worked it out.

Carrie will be shown milking another cow before putting on another great Martina McBride performance in a Stepford Wives dress that Paula will randomly claim she looks beautiful in.

And we'll all say....

SO FREAKIN' WHAT.

I'm sorry. It just slipped out. I'm trying to pretend I'm excited this year... but there's something wrong with this show this time. Does anyone else know what I'm talking about? I mean, where's the glitz and surprise of the stylist transformations and makeover mistakes we all looked forward to when the top 10 were crowned? Where are the shots of them by the pool in their finalist mansion? What happened to the sponsorship from Old Navy or Gap or whoever the heck it was that had them all matchy poo-poo in those group numbers every week that we made so much fun of? This year they're in what looks like some cheap apartments somewhere and have been left to their own curling irons, shopping trips to Wal-Mart to pick out outfits and Bonne Bell makeup. WHAT HAPPENED? We got nothing ya'll.

This year we got Ghetto Idol ya'll. No budget, no glitz, no glamour. No nothing. Just a bunch of kids singing and whining when they get kicked out the door.

sigh...... deep breath...

O.k. I got it all out.

So what were we talking about?

Oh yeah... the final 3.

I would like to see Vonzell the quiet, unassuming US Postal Worker with the whitest teeth I've ever seen win. It makes a nice story. But all 3 are good and it would be interesting to see what the heck they'd do with a country star on their oh so pop label.... so go on Carrie with your bad self. But alas... in the end it will probably be Bo standing in all the confetti singing some creepy song written for him by someone they dig up from the grave to surpise us. Bo with a choir behind him?!?! I think not. But stranger things have happened on Idol....

I'm out.

Seriously?

2005-05-05T10:30:00.000-07:00

SERIOUSLY?

Did you WATCH that spectacle last night?

Trach Boy survives -- which is a freaking crime against humanity -- but whatever. I don't care. No one does. Because over on the other network there was SHOCK and AWE happening. There were required gasps of amazement.

Here's the thing. Trach Boy lives, Down's Boy goes. WHO CARES? This season, Idol is so dull it makes my head hurt. And the Primetime Live special only highlighted that.

Because it made me remember how good the show used to be.

Even with all the scandal. And y'all, there was scandal. They had voice mails from Paula, phone records, witnesses, a bottle of pills prescribed to Paula given to Corey, Hadas aka Sandra Bullock look-a-like expressing her outrage...it was UG-LY.

Two words.

UG. LEE.

But here is how you know I'm a hard core fan. Because the whole time I'm watching this thing, loving me some scandal, loving me some Corey, loving me some Corey's upcoming album (which he took every opportunity to promote as did Primetime)....the WHOLE TIME, I'm thinking about poor Paula.

Poor Paula sitting at home watching this. Horrified. Mortified. And kicking herself. Poor Paula who pulled herself up from Laker Girl to Jackson choreographer to pop star then went down to has-been then PULLED HERSELF UP AGAIN to AI's Cheeriest Judge...Poor Paula was chasing after a contestant like some kind of fool? That's sad, y'all. It is. She's not a crazy lady working at a strip club. She's PAULA. PAU-LA. All I can think is that she must be sad. Really sad. Poor Paula has to be a very lonely, unhappy woman to take up with a baby boy contestant in the first place. Poor Paula whose life is now a train wreck.

She's the Bill Clinton of the AI Nation. Corey's all Monica and Paula's all "did not have sexual relations with that woman" and we're all all "WHA....? Oh NO she didn't!" and the media is having a field day.

It's Clinton all over again. Only, you know...trashy and stupid and not at all relevant to the future of us as a people. But still...I kept waiting for Corey to whip out a stained blue dress and start crying.

All I can do is shake my head.

What did you guys think?

There's a result show tonight...

2005-05-04T17:57:00.000-07:00

...but WHO FREAKING CARES?!!!

Wave your hands in the air if you're gonna be glued to the Primetime Live expose on American Idol tonight!

Look at all those hands.

Face it: we are Idol-maniacs, yes. We love the Idol. We worship us some Idol. But how can we ignore a whole hour devoted to exposing our beloved Idol's seedy side? It's like we get to see the secrets Idol has been keeping. The back fat, if you will. Yes, I said back fat. That flabby chunk of lard that hangs over the back of your jeans but gets covered by your t-shirt. Well, the Idol t-shirt is off and the back fat is on display!

How excited am I?

Can I get a "whoo-hoo!" Can I get a "wha...wha!!" Now shake it, shake it, shake it like a Poloroid picture...

Okay. Let me get my act together and stop acting like a fool on this blog. It's just that I'm so very excited. And loving the idea that one network has been secretly working on a story about another network. It's beautiful television.

It's why television was created, people.

Clearly, I'll be blogging after the West Coast airing of "Fallen Idol". As for the actual Idol show...look, Fedorov must go. That's all I'm saying. If he's still around after tonight, I don't know if I can survive another week of him singing.

Gotta go.

It's sweeps week ...

2005-04-30T09:03:00.000-07:00

So if you haven't heard by now let's talk about it.

This week's ABC Primetime is scheduled to be some big 'ol American Idol expose special. They're dishin' all the dirt on relationships between the judges and contestants (Paula). And reportedly we'll hear a rehashing of all the corrupt American Convict Idols that have made the show - the cocaine snorting Bo, shoplifting Trenyce, sister beating Corey, domestic violence Scott, pornography working Frenchie. You know, some of our favorite contestants from over the seasons.

Dissing the Idol?!? WHA...?!?! In the name of all that is sane and holy with AI you try to bring the evil?!?

Whatever.

Personally, I can't wait! I can't wait. I CAN'T WAIT!!!!!! We just like to see some gossip don't we? And we can put to rest all those nagging questions - that we ALL KNOW the answers to already but choose to ignore cause AI is such good entertainment. Come on. Whose going to be shocked by anything here. It's FOX people! FOX.

F - O - X in case anyone forgot. The same FOX that airs things like midget bachelors. Yeah. O.k. Some of you watched that show too didn't you? I know you did. It's o.k.

While it's being reported that FOX is standing ready to sue the pants off ABC if that expose airs, I'm not all that sure this isn't just standard legal crapperoony. Really people.... in an age when scandal means more viewers, not less, I think FOX would be secretly laughing and saying bring it on. Pump up our ratings even more.... oh wait we're already running 2 and 3 every single week whooping your nielsen butts. But there is talk of the possibility that FOX will dump it's 9pm programming to move Idol into the time slot so that it airs up against the Primetime Live special so there is a little concern there. But why?

There is the possibility that the Paula mess may be some sort of FCC violation which will put the show in trouble. It will be the game show scandal of this era. FOX is reported to be "quietly investigating" the FCC matter themselves at the moment. This may be the thorn in their sides in this whole ordeal. They aren't afraid of the negative publicity. But if the show prompts an FCC investigation... now that's a whole nother mess. Cause what would we do without American Idol people?!?! Can you even imagine!?! Idol cut, gone, over... what will we talk about half the year?

I'm out.

guess what ya'll?

2005-04-30T08:48:00.000-07:00

Shonda called me just as I was finishing up the Idol results show. I told her the show would be "SHOCKING, SHOCKING, SHOCKING!!!" And based on your reactions below... I was right. Boohoohoo all you Constantine lovers. Get it all out now cause this week was the last time we'll see him whining and grinning and posing and faking his way around the Idol stage.

But guess what?

I'm not crying.

GOOD RIDDANCE YOU FAKER!

That whole thing was one big "look at me everybody I'm a cute heart throb trying to get into show biz, please love me and put me in a movie" campaign. And now it's over. OVER!!!!!!!!!!

....alright ... after a couple of deep breaths..... I'm o.k.

Ya'll should be ashamed of yourselves. You know that boy cannot sing. Now that he's gone you can get rid of the next creepy crawler from the stage - Trach Boy.

I'm out.

Huh?

2005-04-27T21:26:00.000-07:00

No, seriously.

Huh?

NO.

SERIOUSLY.

HUH?

Did I have a seizure and pass out? Spontaneously hallucinate? Go blind and deaf at exactly the same moment and thus, am incorrect in thinking I just saw and heard what I just saw and heard?

WHAT THE HECK JUST HAPPENED?!!!!!!!

Why is Trach Boy still on my show? Why is Down's Boy still on my show? Why in the name of all that is good and cute and vocally in tune are these people still around?

And they voted off Constantine?

I mean, yeah, he can't sing or whatever. But he's pretty. And he has great hair. And he's pretty. And fun. And so so pretty. Precious and pretty. Pretty Connie...

Ahem.

But they voted him off the show? Over Trach Boy? And VONZELL was in the bottom three? VONZELL got less votes that Scott?

All Barbie JonBenet could do was shake her head. She knew it wasn't right. She knew it was whack. And Simon had a big old smile on his face. Because his two favorites are Bo and Barbie. Ten bucks says he was up all night hitting the redial button on Barbie.

VONZELL got less votes that Scott?

Maybe it was a seizure. Maybe I fell and cracked my head and had a seizure and none of this is actually happening...

Seriously...

2005-04-21T21:30:00.000-07:00

...is anyone shocked that Anwar is gone?

Not me. The only thing shocking about it is that both Scott and Trach Boy are still around ahead of him. I did a little dance when I saw the bottom three. A dance. Sure that either Scott or Trach Boy would be out of our collective AI-loving hair this week.

...sigh...

There's always next week.

Ooh, and what was up with that LAME SAD PATHETIC song they sang written by the man who wrote for Olivia Newton John? Did ANYONE like it? Was it just me that thought it was the worst crap I've seen in years?

Grrr....why can't this show be better?

And did y'all read? Paula ain't on drugs. She's got a neurological disorder.

Seriously?

She thinks I'm buying that one?

Oh please...

I Just Got Off the Phone...

2005-04-19T21:01:00.000-07:00

...I was talking to my friend. You might know her. Her first name is Barbie. Last name is Doll. Yeah, I thought you knew her too. Anyway, we used to hang way back when I was a kid. Actually, I mostly used to hang with Barbie's black friend Christie (a shout out to Christie! Rock on, girlfriend, wherever you are!). But Barbie and I did a little shopping together, maybe did some skiing, took a few spins in the convertible, spent a couple days in the Malibu crib.

But tonight? Baribie was pissed.

"What," she ranted, "does that Carrie girl think she is doing?"

Yup. Pissed.

Note to Carrie: Barbie called. And she wants her head back.

What is up with Carrie? The big hair, the creepy shiny dress, the scary floral appliques on said dress? Does she actually believe that she is Barbie come to life? Or has reality simply taken a holiday and left her brain on vacation?

All I could do was shake my head.

Thumbs up to Connie who, week after week, continues to use his fabulous swinging hair and bad boy grin to confuse America into thinking he can sing. It's magic, I tell you. Magic. Okay, yeah, deep dark chop the head off a chicken, soul sold to Satan voodoo magic but still...magic.

I want to take a moment to chat with Anthony Fedorov. Anthony, honey, sweetie? GO HOME! GO HOME RIGHT NOW! GET OFF MY TV SCREEN WITH YOUR STUPID SPIKY HAIR AND YOUR BAD DANCE MOVES AND YOUR CHEESY VOICE. TAKE YOUR TRACHEOTOMY CLAY AIKEN WANNBE FLAT BUTT AND GO HOME. GO! GET! GET OUT! LEAVE AMERICA IN PEACE, YOU MORON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay, I feel better.

Scott...well, Sandie loves him. I don't know why. But I loves my sister so I'll keep my thoughts on him and his Down's head and his stupid facial hair and his lame ass voice to myself. Because Sandie thinks he's adorable. I think he looks and sounds like a hip hop Weeble on crack. But that's just me.

Anwar. Randy and Paula love him. Which goes to show you that Randy's hearing is going and Paula's...well, let's just say somebody took a few too many pretty little pills tonight. He's a nice guy. And he's great on a ballad. He's a balladeer is what he is. But he isn't the American Idol. He's just not. Accept. Live it.

Bo. He continues to slay me with his rocker thang and his excellent voice and his ability to shake the house. But I'd be shocked...SHOCKED...if he won this thing. Why? Because last week, he told America that he didn't care if he won, he was just doing this on a bet. Nobody likes a showoff. The same problem Scott has (remember Scott was Mr. Arrogant who said "at least, I had the guts to get up here and do this, a lot of people are sitting at home too afraid to even try"), Bo has. America isn't gonna stand for someone pointing out what losers we all are for sitting at home on our sofas watching total strangers get to be rich and famous while we simply are getting to be fatter and lazier. Nope. Neither will win.

Who IS gonna win this thing?

Vonzell. Yep. Vonzell. She's adorably cute (older crowd in her pocket). She's got serious booty (men and boys in her pocket). And she feels like the girl next door sans the big Barbie head problem (girls in her pocket). Plus she can sing. Plus, she has a good story. She's a postal worker. A POSTAL WORKER. She carries the mail for a living. She's a mail carrier. How sweet is that? It's so a fairy tale Cinderella thing. People love that.

Connie might win. He might confuse America long enough to walk off with the title. I can dig that. But my money is on the cutie pie with the tacky white tassel cowboy boots and the Daddy that loves her.

She's money in the bank, baby.

Money in the bank.

At least, that's what Barbie told me when she called.

This is Shonda, reporting fatter and lazier from my sofa...

Idol Updates

2005-04-16T10:07:00.000-07:00

So I too am still alive. Somewhere out here in cyberspace I sit sucked so deeply into work that I cannot seem to find the time (or energy) to walk my lazy butt downstairs to the computer. All the more compelling argument for a laptop I say. Someday I'll treat myself.

ANYWAY... I see Shonda managed to post something about the show. So I'll do some contestant updates for ya. Let's see what our old friends are up to shall we?

George Huff:

George's Xmas EP was a success and be on the look out for more from Geroge. George Huff has signed with Word Records out of Nashville. The label focuses on gospel music, but represents a diverse group of artists including Billy Ray Cyrus, Sandi Patty, and Amy Grant. Also, look for George on tour with Nicole C. Mullen this spring. George's next album is slated for a July 2005 release. George is also currently performing on a Coca Cola tour with other idols. Some of the more recent/upcoming dates of note are:

New York Area - Featuring George Huff, LaToya London and Mikalah Gordon
Friday 4/15/05 - 5-9pm
Roosevelt Field 630 Old Country Rd Garden City, NY 11530

Philadelphia Area - Featuring George Huff, LaToya London and Mikalah Gordon
Sunday 4/17/05 - 1-5 pm
Oxford Valley Mall 2300 E. Lincoln Hwy Langhorn, PA 19047

I mention this because I was horrified to see who else was on the bill. Yes... this says Mikalah Gordon. OH GOOOD LAWD!!! Please don't attach that crazy annoying, only moderately talented girl to my George Huff. ..........sigh.......

John Stevens:

Yes, that says John Stevens. I have nothing to say but check out his page at Maverick Records where he is apparently signed to a deal.

Latoya London:

Latoya London is on that Coca Cola tour with George and has signed with independent label Peak Records. Peak is a contemporary jazz label whose roster includes Regina Belle. She is finishing up her album which is set to release this summer. Visit her site to get behind the scenes looks at her time in the studio and listen to her upcoming releases.

Jennifer Hudson:

Jennifer's official website has recently appeared. The site says her album will be released in April on 2005... uuhhhmmm which is now. I recently saw Jennifer on a special Idols Where Are They Now segment and she was in the studio at the time. She did a stint in HAIR with Wayne Brady and others last fall and has since been performing at awards ceremonies and other events in the Chicago area with big name performers such as Destiny Child .

That's all for now.

I'm out.

Sorry...

2005-04-14T21:57:00.000-07:00

I know it's been a while since we've posted.

Don't get us wrong. We love to post. It's just that this year's AI is so...

...so...

...LAME.

Yes. I said it. Lame.

Last week, I couldn't even be bothered, I was so bored. I just couldn't find anything to write about. This week...well, at least Constantine is turning out to be something special.

I love him.

No. Wait. Let me clarify.

I....LOVE...HIM!!!!

Loves me some Connie. Connie with the long hair. Connie with the no rocker street cred and the Partridge family songs. Connie is hot. Connie is now. Connie is boy band without the other boys. He's N Sync without the Sync. He's so bland that he feels new.

Everyone else?

Well, Vonzell is exciting. She's cute. She's bubbly. She's got a great voice. But I hate the weave. Nothing worse than a shiny weave on a nice person.

That Carrie? She's...well, Carrie. And I'm talking bucket of pig's blood on the head Carrie. There is something decidedly evil about her. Decidedly creepy. A reader described her as very JonBenet. And she is. All JonBenet, all the time. Can't stand her. Wish she'd leave.

I was angry that Nikko was ejected. But I got it. He's too R&B for the AI crowd. And he didn't know how to pretend he wasn't the way Fantasia did. Plus, Fantasia had a good story. Single mama, poor, from the South. Nikko aka Osbourne was the son of a famous ball player. There wasn't a single person watching who felt he "needed" to win the way we all felt Fantasia did. I mean, Fantasia can now buy her baby diapers and milk. What's Nikko gonna do with the money? Ummm...put it on top of his other pile of money?

Nadia? Dude, the minute she turned her head into a rooster? She was OUT. OUT. She had no freakin' shot. NONE.

Rooster=NO WAY YOU WILL BE THE AMERICAN IDOL!

As for the rest of 'em? Anwar? Inconsistent. Fedorov? Satan. Bo? Well, Bo has a chance. If he can get his act together. Scott? Oh, please. Love Down's Syndrome boy but he can NOT sing!

Okay, that's all I have to say. I promise to write next week. I promise. Come on back and read....

This is Shonda, reporting live from my sofa...

Oh yeah, PS: Did anyone see Hall and Oates in the audience? Are they a million jillion years old or WHAT?! What happened to the dudes who did Private Eyes? My sister and I have a whole dance we made up to that song. And now they are two geriatric guys sitting in the audience of American Idol wearing Depends diapers?!

Ooh, I feel old...

No Neck? No More!

2005-03-31T10:21:00.000-08:00

Okay. I don't know what is going on around here.

I could barely even watch Tuesday night's show. What with all the howling and the bad hair and the odd outfits? Who COULD watch it? Most of the night, I just kept my finger on the fast forward button. Waiting for the horror to end.

The nineties? As a theme? They are using as a theme stuff that happened five years ago? Five years ago isn't a theme! It's FIVE YEARS AGO. I still have jeans from five years ago. SHOES from five years ago. Heck, I have a block of cheese at the back of my fridge from five years ago. It's not a theme. Five years ago is five years ago. That's like saying the AI theme is "right this minute." You must sing songs from "Right This Minute!"

I have not one good thing to say about what I saw on Tuesday night.

Not one.

NOT.

ONE.

So did I care that No Neck was voted off? Not really. Did I care that Nadia and Anwar were in the danger zone?

A little.

But I do care that they come up with a decent theme for next week. Because I'm starting to get angry. I'm starting to get surly and rowdy and ready to use my finger to delete AI from my Season Pass...

...I miss Ruben and Fantasia and Kelly....

Just a quick note...

2005-03-24T21:52:00.000-08:00

...to point a warning finger at this week's cautionary tale. Nadia.

Nadia, Nadia, Nadia...

...you were in the bottom two. Last week, you were THE diva to beat. But...

...that's what happens when you stick a rooster on top of your head and try to sing Cyndi Lauper.

You might have thought it was a good idea. But nobody else did. Count yourself lucky that Mad Dog Mik messed up again this week trying to be Taylor Dane.

That's all I'm gonna say. I hope you learned your lesson, girlfriend.

So who else was bored?

2005-03-24T17:31:00.000-08:00

... by that total video replay last night, not the original. Cause I have to say the original show started off pretty hot for me. The first half had the better performances. The second half... well... sort of ran out of steam if you ask me.

My top point scorers were Farm Girl, Bobby KOTH (Scott) and hands down winner last night Vonzell.

Farm Girl came out working her super eighties big mall hair and SANG that song ya'll. A reader wrote last week that Carrie needed a lot of work... well she worked it OUT this week. And that was no fluke. We saw that voice in the audition rounds and my girl is back. And you know what else? You gotta have some nerve to wear all that 80 gear too cause that was a little shocking. But you go on girl and keep it up.

Bobby KOTH (that would be King of the Hill for those of you just joining the party) well he showed us he had a little more than Luther ballads in him. Not that I'm hating on the ballads cause ya'll know I loves me some Bobby KOTH, but he needed to bust out. Oh it's o.k. ya'll cause I know you were all thinking he'd made a mistake with that song choice. I heard you. I said it too. But he sang it. And each week he's got a little more personality. A little... oh come on now... don't hate on my boy.

Now the H-O- double T-E-S-T performance of the evening was Baby V. Whatever. I hear you haters. Guess what? She's hot and you know it. Don't hate the player, hate the game. And she is in this game now. Well... we all know what happened last year after the single most incredible performance of Jenny FTB's Idol career.... Weekend in New England ya'll... voted off. SHOCK and AWE that's what that was. SHOCK & AWE. O.k. let's not talk about it... my head is swelling just thinking about it. Vonzell was all over that song. I was up dancing. I'm still playing it back and dancing. Whoa, whoa, you got the best of my love.... O.k. I'm alright. But V, honey child, girlfriend of mine... can we talk about the wardrobe challenges you continue to have? Girl, what was that weird ensemble you had going on?!? No. Stylists... please take hold of this girl and treat her well. You know it isn't often I'm on the AI stylist side, but it can't get worse can it? Now interestingly enough on the 2nd show last night she was dressed in a nice, classic getup and looked just beautiful on camera. She really is the best looking U.S. Postal Worker I've ever seen.

So who was just O.K.? Bo, Jessica and Anwar. Yes, I know you're shocked at me putting Jessica's name anywhere near Bo and Anwar's. Me too. I don't know what happened just now. Something over took me at the keyboard... what? huh? nevermind.

Both Bo and Anwar sounded just fine. Their voices are fabulous. But the song choice and how they sang each song made you say "SO WHAT!" Next... they just didn't put any stank on it like they have in previous weeks. Couldn't live up those high expectations. Hopefully they'll bounce back next week. I mean you cannot go out there singing Chaka Khan all straight and boring like Anwar did. Boy you'd get whooped in the ghetto for that one.

Jessica... I can't force myself to say it.... she was actually improved. Better song choice maybe ... I don't know. But she wasn't bad. The outfit on the other hand... Jessica. Come on. You know better than that. I don't know why they make all that sheer, whack stuff in size chunky. It just shouldn't be allowed. And the judges couldn't have been all that wow'd over it after watching the playback... it wasn't as good as they thought it was I'll tell you that. But it was o.k. She'll be spared only because Mikalah sucked the big one.

Yeah, well... speaking of sucking the big one: EVERYBODY ELSE.

Nadia was terrible. And get real with the mohawk babe. It wasn't working for you.

Constantine, it's official: You are forever cast out of the rocker club. The Partridge Family?!?! Not one of you out there can pretend you thought that was a good song choice. I sat there staring at the t.v. in disbelief thinking "Someone please kill me. I'm frozen here in shock... kill me please". But alas, he stopped. The spell was broken and I was free to run screaming. Wow. That was insane.

Nikko - alright. I liked Nikko too. In the beginning. But now... well... let's get this straight people: He is NOT Usher. He's the usher at the movie theater. That's all. He's o.k. But if you just close your eyes for a minute and forget about the charm, stage presence and pimp threads he was sporting last night you'll actually realize something: he's not always sounding so hot.

No really. I'm serious. Try it. You'll see.

That was not a great performance and a ridiculously ghetto song choice to boot. You're on American Idol - the biggest show EVER - and you can sing ANY number one hit you want.... and you can only think of SISCO?!?! The THONG SONG SISCO?!?! Wow. What a music aficionado this kid is. First The Jackson 5 and now Sisco. What will it be next week? Put me out of my misery.

Trach Boy... oh I can't even spend time talking about his performance. What a waste of air time he is. But, he too will be spared only because Mikalah sucked the VERY big one.

Mikalah... in a category all by herself this week. Ohhhh... the crimes she committed. Such evils. Such horrible singing people. Last night I wanted to watch it again only to see if it was as bad as I thought. And she was. Her t-shirt last night said it all "It's my job to annoy you". Wow. At least this girl knows who she is. That's all I can say she's got going for her right now. Be gone Fran Drescher!! Banished from our sacred Idol stage!! Out! Out! O.k. I do realize that I'm not the only one voting. So there is the remote chance that she was not get voted off. WHAT?!?!

That's enough. Blasphemy in the Idol arena if Fran sticks around another week. NO ONE deserves to go before her... but we've seen it happen haven't we?

Alright. That pretty much tells it all. I'm done. The results are coming on.

I'm out.

DO-OVER!!!

2005-03-23T04:35:00.000-08:00

The show was HOT.... the voting was NOT....

... and so we'll do it all over again tonight!

FOX discovered a glitch in the programming last night. When the recap of the performances aired and the contestants numbers ran on the screen one last time some of the numbers were incorrect. Watch your playback on this one.

A performance show will re-air tonight and we will be asked to vote again. This show will have "some live elements and some recaps" according to FOX - so who knows what that really means. The results show will now air on Thursday night (messing up my TiVo programming). Make sure you catch the show at the correct time on the correct day!

My thoughts on last nights show tonight...

I'm out.

And the executions begin!

2005-03-16T23:26:00.000-08:00

Off with their heads!

What pure sadistic joy I felt tonight. AI back to what it should be. Tears of sadness, smiles of glee and bad group numbers. Seriously, did you see them singing that song? The off-beat side to side sway they did? The over-rehearsed walk to the beat across the stage moves? The cheesiness. The tackiness. The stupidity. It was very Brady Bunch, very fabulous.

I loved every minute of it.

A shout out to Ruben Studdard who perched like a giant Buddha in the audience tonight. Seeing him was like seeing your old junior high crush. You remember the devotion, the time spent scrawling I Heart Ruben and Ruben-n-Shonda 4Ever on your notebook, the deep love you held onto even as he disappointed you time and time again...

Ah, Ruben.

Remember when you sang "A Whole New World?" Remember how I threw my panties at the TV and screamed "I luv you, Ruben!!!?" Remember?

People, Ruben sang "A House is Not A Home". The song that I said should only be sung by Tamyra according to the AI rule book. Ruben sang it. And it was goo-ood. Not just good. Two syllables. Goo-ood. The very song that was massacred by Anwar last night. Ruben did it. Now he sings gospel. I don't listen to gospel.

WE MISS YOU RUBEN!!!!!

(insert tears here...)

Okay, back to the matter at hand. Who got voted off tonight? Whose dreams were crushed under the heels of America's ability to hit the redial button on the telephone?

The bottom three were Mikalah, No Neck and Hairdresser The Sequel. Which was good. I would have been happier had the bottom three included Trach Boy but...

...one can't have everything, can one?

I had no problems with any one of the three girls going. None of them were any good last night. But when I looked deep down in places I don't like to talk about at cocktail parties or on this blog, I have to admit that No Neck has talent. And poor Mikalah looked properly regretful for both almost giving us a gynecologist's view of her body and for ruining a perfectly good song that never hurt anyone. So I can stomach giving them another chance.

Hairdresser The Sequel? Oh, you know she had to go. You KNOW it.

And then she cried and cried and cried. And her poor grandmama almost had a stroke (at least I HOPE that was her grandmama -- otherwise, her Mama is a miracle of science what with giving birth at 65) when Ryan booted off her baby. Has anyone else noticed that this year, Ryan is almost gleeful when kicking a contestant to the curb? That he's icy cold and unsympathetic when telling a hopeful to let the doorknob hit 'em where the good lord split 'em? It's like he's SO over this show. It's like he's sick of watching year after year as someone becomes a superstar while he remains a virtual Ed McMahon sidekick to Simon's flawless Johnny.

I'm down with his cruelty. It makes things interesting. But I'm a little worried about him. His mental state has me atwitter. I mean, Ryan is a bitter, bitter boy these days. I hope his therapist gets paid A LOT. That's all I'm saying. Cause I don't want to hear that Constantine is trapped in a hole in Ryan's basement while Ryan says "It puts the lotion on its skin; it does this whenever it's told."

(People, go rent Silence of the Lambs and watch it again -- it possesses what may quite possibly be the single greatest compilation of quotable lines in the past 30 years.)

So now we're down to eleven. Six mediocre singers, one total babe, three potential winners and a boy apparently still recovering from the tracheotomy he had as a child whose voice and face make me want to scratch my own eyes right out of their sockets.

How much do I LOVE this show?!

This is Shonda, reporting gleeful from my sofa.

I'm gettin' my 2 cents in here cause you are trippin!

2005-03-16T16:45:00.000-08:00

Shonda.... (I'm busy shaking my head, that's why you see no words here).

After Nikko performed and Randy and Paula gushed all over him (and you too apparently) Simon summed it up for me:

"I think I'm the only one in this audience who can hear!"

Nikko's performance was one of the worst things I've heard since... well since Travis tried to sing All Night Long. What the...?!?! A Jackson 5 song?!?! SHONDA! Snap out of it girl. See Nikko has you in a trance. Which is exactly how Travis made it so far. He fools you with all that charisma, meanwhile the song was so out of tune Michael Jackson would rather be convicted than hear it disrespected so badly. The Jackson 5 days are just as sacred as Bodyguard Whitney and that boy has no business pretending he can sing anything from them.

No business at all. Speaking on no business...

Now, Mikalah had no business wearing that hoochie mama outfit. She had on so much red lipstick and blush maybe she thought she was on America's Next Top Model... only without the model part. Poor thing. That matching red bra (under a sheer cropped sweater - WHAT?!?) hiphugger pants and boots had the vice squad waiting out back just in case she was on her way to work (on the corner). Good Lawd that girl couldn't have looked any more like Fran Drescher with that huge 80's hair and heavy makeup. Oh yeah, did she sing something? I didn't notice.

I whole heartedly agree with you - Jessica, Lindsey and Anthony - GO HOME! Lindsey honey don't you know that little satin ribbons are only tied around the necks of stuffed animals that sit on little girl's shelves collecting dust mites and taking up space. That's what you're doing in this competition: Taking up space... bye bye now.

Vonzell, Anwar and Carrie were all shell shocked and certainly not at their best. BUT... Carrie had a bit of an image boost! Did you notice?!? Super straight hair, maybe even a bit of extensions, better makeup and an up to date outfit did her well. You're looking a bit hotter girl. Go on with your bad self.

For me the fast forward group would include Nadia as well. You already know I just don't like her. She isn't all that. But that's just me.

Now the I sold out to the man award goes to Constantine. You're no rocker boy. And that drummer of yours who threw a fit on camera when you brought Ryan Secrest to tell the band you were going on American Idol knew it would happen. He knew you well didn't he Constantine. That song choice said it all. Let's take a journey inside Constantine's head ya'll..... Here's what he's saying: I better snap out of it and sing some easy listening music because I know that's the only way my voice sounds anywhere close to these other contestants. Then at the end of the song if I flip my hair and shoot that look at the camera that says "You know I'm cute" I can make it through this thing and get some fame and fortune. HHhhmmmm.... I can hear it all. FAKER!!! POSER!!!! ..... alright I'm o.k. ya'll. I'm over it. Lost it there for a minute.

Bo on the other hand is a rocker all the way. I think. I mean who sings Spinning Wheel and carries the mic around in the stand the whole time if they're not a rocker! That boy better have liability insurance doing that kind of thing. I was scared he was gonna knock some poor fool out with that thing as he's slinging it through the audience. And I think he may be getting cuter each week... ala George Huff. Well maybe I've gone off the deep end now. But I don't think so.

Now.... here's where I'm standing my ground- Scott Savol. I LOVES ME SOME SCOTT. Yes, he absolutely looks just like Bobby from King of the Hill. But I don't care. That boy can sing his butt off. He can sing. I don't care if he's wrapped from head to toe in brown suede or in a bathrobe, that boy can sing. Now... Scott honey you do need to get a bit of a personality going on here. The people gotta like you to vote for you son. Don't you get that? Call me. Email me. Text message me. I'm available for a little image consultation anytime. I can take a few vacation days to fly out and coach you. But you have GOT to get some life in ya.

Oh well... I had to get my 2 cents in. I'm done ranting. My prediction tonight: Jessica or Lindsey although it should absolutely be Bobby Brown or Fran Drescher after that horrendous performance.

I'm out.

The Party Gets Started...

2005-03-15T21:06:00.000-08:00

,,,kind of.

I sat down in front of my TIvo tonight. Thrilled. Full of excitement. Shocked by Mario's exodus and thrilled by Nikko's return. Elated that the Final 12 were finally in place. AI4 HAS BEGUN!!!

So there I was with my can of soda, glass of juice and bottle of water (I like to stay hydrated so I have energy to yell at the TV when necessary). I had my pen in one hand to take notes. My Tivo remote in the other so that I could pause, rewind or fast forward depending on what was happening.

And you know, that's how I'm going to break it down tonight. Three categories. Pause. Rewind. And Fast Forward. Now the audience was on crack so EVERYONE got a standing ovation tonight in the studio. But not in my living room.

FAST FORWARD: You know who goes in this category. Those contestants who make so much painful noise howling on my TV that all I can think is "MAKE THE LAMBS STOP SCREAMING!" Those contestants who bore me so much that all I can think is "Wonder what will happen on America's Next Top Model tomorrow night?" The bad and the boring. And they are:

1) Jessica. Or as I like to call her No Neck Blondie. Not that I'm hating on people with no necks. Go on with your fat head selves, more power to ya, form your own non-profit. I'm just calling it like I see it. And Jessica is No Neck Blondie -- big head, big voice, NO NECK. And she does have a big voice which sometimes sounds okay. That's the problem. She's just...okay. I don't care about her, I don't care to watch her. And what she did tonight is SO forgettable that I can't even remember the name of the song she sang.

2) Lindsey. Is it just me or does she remnd y'all of Hairdresser Girl from AI Season 2? Same face, same hair and, unfortunately for her, same voice. She's dull. Lifeless. PLASTIC. At least Hairdresser Girl had a career cutting heads to fall back on...

3) Vonzell. I give her props because she's sweet and wore the tacky white tassel boots her Daddy bought her last week. And she can sing. But Vonzell...honey, let's first discuss the dress. The peach, shiny, tacky Prom dress. The atrocity that made you look like a Vegas lounge singer. Oh...it was sad. Uninspired. But better than your performance. Which was also shiny and tacky.

4) Anthony. Trach Boy is on my last ever-lovin' nerve. He sat on a stool. A STOOL. And tried to croon. TRIED. TO. CROON. Hey, Trach Boy? You ain't Clay. You'll never be Clay. You'll never be Clay's stool. Why must he be in this competition? WHYYYYYYYYYYY?!

PAUSE: A category reserved for things that make me go "Wha...?" For those who bring vocals or outfits or performances that make me freeze frame my Tivo while I pull myself together or give myself time to scream.

1) Anwar. Anwar, Anwar. I loved you so. You with your pulled back dreds and your super-positive optimism and your school teacher glow. Oh, how I loved you. So what happened? You looked like a deer in headlights up on that big stage. And your voice...well, that was not what I call singing. Plus, you forget AI rule #563. Which is don't sing "A House is Not A Home." Unless you are Tamyra Gray. And you are not. Tamyra. Only Tamyra is Tamyra. She owns the song in AI legend. You...well, you eked out something. Screw your courage to the sticking place, boy! And do somethng better next week!

2) Mikalah. Mad Dog Mik has lost her mind. Did you see her belly? Of course you did. How could you miss it? She was wearing pants so low, I thought the FCC was gonna bust the show up. And...now, I know she's a teenager and I definitely am not one to hate on anyone's body but...girl, that was not a belly I wanted to see. Ever. Keep it covered. So, working the I'm a ho angle didn't fly. And neither did her song. I am not exactly sure even after pausing several times what song that was she was singing. It was bad. And for the first time, I joined you hordes of haters out there who find Mikalah annoying. She's fast becoming my Goat Girl for 2005 (see 2003).

3) Scott. Down's Boy looks better. The facial hair, the suede duds. And he sang one of my favorite songs "Ain't Too Proud to Beg." But have you ever seen anyone look so unbelievably uncomfortable in front of an audience? It was like watching Sinatra Boy try to dance last year. You could practically hear Scott counting off his moves in his head. Move hand here...Descend steps on three...Shake head on five... He made me constipated just watching him. Poor Down's Boy. He showed so much promise in the early rounds. But I fear tonight may be his last.

4) Carrie. She's sweet. She milks cows. She loves country. And she has a great voice. But tonight, PAULA called her boring. You heard me. PAULA. Paula never has a mean word to say to anyone about anything. Paula, whose judgements usually leave even the worst contestant feeling like they've been licked by a basket of kittens. PAULA CALLED CARRIE BORING. All I can say is...dawg, that's cold. Simon tried to smooth things over. Mainly because I think Simon has decided that Carrie is a race horse he can ride all the way to the country western bank. And maybe he could. If this show was called Nashville Stars...

REWIND: I save the rewind button for the good ones. The ones who BRING IT. The ones who do something great. And, yes, occassionaly for the ones who make such big fools of themselves that you gotta watch it again and again. Like when Clay sang the song from Grease. Or Hercules wore the Afro wig. But tonight, I used rewind for good and not evil.

1) Constantine. Yup. I said Constantine. Y'all, I know Connie ain't the best singer. But the thing is, so does Connie. He knows he doesn't have what the other contestants have. So Connie picks songs that make him sound good. And he's cute. And he brings a whole butt load of charisma onstage with him. And he's cute. Admit it, you thought he was pretty good tonight. I almost found myself apologizing to him through the TV screen for hating on him so bad last week.

2) Nikko. Yeah, he's back. Yeah, he don't care if you hate him. Nikko arrived on stage in pants so baggy, I thought he had the whole Jackson Five in there. He waved his hands. He tossed his hat. And he sang "I Want You Back". It was either horrible or fantastic. I don't know. I just know I couldn't stop watching him. I just know that if he recorded that song today, it would be playing over and over again on MTV tomorrow. He took an old song and made it seem fresh and hip hop and very now. All the boy needed were some backup danceers. I tried to call and vote for him but the phone lines were literally overloaded and I couldn't get through.

3) Nadia. Love her. LOVE. HER. I want her hair. And her outfit. Which let me tell you was a big gamble. You don't wear a big old poncho/dashiki on national TV unless you are a) unbelievably skinny and b) brave. Girl is both. She looked good, she sounded better. A total change from her usual upbeat numbers, Nadia got out on that stage and said, yeah, I can sing. Better than any of you. Whoo-Hoo! It was the first good performance of the night and I had to rewind three times to get over it.

4) Bo. Here's a puzzle. Bo is ugly. Bo has bad hair. Bo sings in a style I can NOT stand. I LOVE ME SOME BO. Bo rocks. Bo rocks each and every week. Bo rocks hard. Bo rocks long. Bo rocks. Do I want Bo to win? I don't know. I just know I want to see what Bo does next. I want to see Bo take a regular song and rock it. I want to see Bo rise to the challenge of the AI gauntlet. I want to see Bo sing his way through Streisand night. Or Billy Joel night. Or...oooh, Celine Dion night. I want to watch Bo rock the theme from Titantic. Bo is a magical mystery tour of rocking magnetism. Bo has taken the pop star status of the Idol stage and twisted it into a Seattle grunge fest. Bo is a genuis.

Or maybe I'm just really excited that someone up there can sing.

This is Shonda, reporting live from my sofa.

More on Mario

2005-03-15T16:53:00.000-08:00

So I heard a snippet this morning of a live interview he did with MTV. He's recanting the whole "family issue" thing. He instead now says he didn't think it was "the right time" for this. That he has to focus on other things right now. You know, like he did some soul searching.

YEAH WHATEVER.

When asked outright in another interview if he had signed a record deal with anyone Mario didn't say no... he said "no comment".

hhhhhmmmmm.......

Some more reading for you if you're really sulking over it like I am:

Entertainment Weekly Online says...