Dave, a self portrait in words

Random song lyrics

2009-07-05T12:05:00.003-07:00

cleaning the house, listening to music, and I heard some really positive song lyrics.

so many times you did not bring this on your self, when that moment finally comes, I'll be there to help.

when you simply need a place to make your bed, right here underneath my wing, you can rest your head.

hope and pray that you never need me, but rest assured I will not let you down.I walk beside you but you may not see Me, the strongest among us may not wear a crown.

on that day when you don't have the strength for the burden you bear, I will be right here.

lost

2009-06-09T00:38:00.003-07:00

feeling a little lost tonight, trying to sleep. Wishing that sometimes life was a little eaiser, that direction was eaiser to find.

My new goal that seems to be working is to just laugh at everything that I can, to let go of everything I can't laugh at, and just let it be what it will be.

tomarrow is a new day, full of new adventure, and could change my life forever...

Got to have hope.

Poetetic thoughts

2009-05-19T01:11:00.001-07:00

I lay in bed,
Siclence; It fills my head,
Takes my mind,
To a simpler time,
A time when Things made sence
A time before This fence
Built to keep me safe,
Built to keep me Alone.

I think about life now
Ponder it's meaning
How I will live from here
When my last day will be
Wonder what will happen on that day.
What I might see.

Will I touch the sky,
CoUld I fly that high?
Or will I fall?
Into the depths below

I can't know
Not until I go.
I can't guess
Even when pressed
To konw what is on the otherside
To unhide before I go,
Would be more than I could ever show

Evening thoughts

2009-05-12T23:10:00.001-07:00

I have a roomate to whom I can bare my soul and have him not
remember in the morning. At the moment it seems like a good thing...
Then the next day, it as though none of it ever happened, and it hurts.

So many things I am feeling tonight. I want to be able to express them
All in words, but unfortunatly, the words just arnt coming tonight.

What do I need? What do I want? How much time do I actually have to
achieve either. Tonight I feel alone, I know I am not, but it feels
that way.

The need to get away now fueled by the reasons that I didn't. I wish
there was an easy answer, I wish I could cry tonight. The tears also
will not come.

I wish the answer was eaiser.

picture that caught me off gaurd in a good way

2009-05-05T00:53:00.004-07:00

As I was sitting here piddeling with my iPhone (yes I found it) I ran across a picture, I had not seen in about a year... it gave me chills, followed by the biggest goofy smile, as I thought.. There.. in that picture... in that moment... I was happy...

The fact of the matter is not when or where that picture was taken, just that it was and that was how I felt at that moment. would love to have more times like that...

smile as i go to bed... heres to hoping

it has happened again

2009-05-02T05:35:00.002-07:00

I looked up a music video of a song that I like, and am left in total awe,

David Archuleta - crush

WOW

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yff9nCctMkg

just somthing that I can relate to, and not at all what I expected.

-D

Vitamins

2009-05-01T22:01:00.002-07:00

so, I have started taking a multi-vitamin, and honestly after just about a week, I feel much more stable. I was feeling like I was all over the place that for a while, as can be seen in my blog. Well I suppose that we will see how things go from here, but heres to keepign my fingers crossed

am ok

2009-04-24T17:08:00.002-07:00

today... I am ok, was nothing special about today, but I am ok. I think that I will focus on being ok for a little while, before trying other things. its been a really trying couple of weeks, and its time to just concentrate on being ok, one day at a time... heck one minute at a time. the rest will come after that, with a little Patience

tears

2009-04-22T06:08:00.003-07:00

tears from my heart
tears from my soul
longing to again feel a part
tears caused by the hole
the tears I cry because I am a fool

i wonder why
i've said goodbye
wonder how I will live
I wonder when I'll die

why it seems a simple question
yet so many long answers
Everything for a reason
I must go on, one day at a time

it hurts so bad
I want to make it stop
thinking of what I had
thinking of what I need
it hurts so bad

a life not lived to its fullest is a life wasted.
i will do my best to now live the life I have left to the fulliest.

-Dave

fear that I may be fooling myself

2009-04-21T20:58:00.004-07:00

Tonight, i have started to doubt the things that have kept me going recently. I want to cry. I feel like there is no reason to go on. I feel like the things that are so important to me, are not real, like I am once again fooling myself. That i am one of the few people that actually means what I say. I hate feeling useless. Why can't this be simpler? why can't people just say what they mean? Why do I choose to share when I have those thoughts that will just get me hurt again.

I wonder how I might get to sleep tonight, I am ready for this part of my life to be over. I am ready to stop being hurt, over and over again.

I am done tonight... I just need to pass out... wheres my hammer??

my side of the bed

2009-04-20T22:00:00.000-07:00

tonight I realized that I sleep only on a certin side of the bed. and I realize its because that other side has not been "my side" its a symbol of the missing part of my life. just a random thought I guess, thought I would write it down.

Awake

2009-04-15T02:07:00.001-07:00

Wenesday 2am, once again I am wide awake. Did the second half of my
laundry, watched the podcasts I had, updated my computer. Now I lay in
the dark, waiting for time to let me fall asleep.

Seems like this is becoming a regular thing, wish it wasn't. I would
love to fall asleep, and stay asleep for the night.

Tomarrow is another day at the datacenter, I hope I make it. I hope we
can make more headway.

Wish I could sleep, wish I could turn my brain off. Wish I could let
go...

Its weird

2009-04-09T10:36:00.002-07:00

Its weird the things that make you remember things, and how you feel about those things that you remember. I just read the profile of A friend of mine, he talks about his past and his move back to califorina. I remember how we met, and where I was the first time he moved to califorina.

I think about how different my outlook on life was, how I looked and felt about things.

I look back at my time in Kentucky, who I was and the journey of self exploration that I was on then.

I compare that to now, I know most of the things I like And don't like. I still learn somthing new every day, but I am far less concerned with what people think of me as a whole. I am much concrned about how i feel about me and enjoying whatever time I have left in the world.

Life is so fleeting, so much time I spent trying to get to that next goal that next thing that we want, we forget to enjoy the now. Recently I have been amle to take a step back, take some me time, and realize that I am done killing myself for someone else. I am going to enjoy whatever I can, and when I am with that person I am supposed to be with, I Will enjoy that time to. Right now, I am ok with who and what I am, and I am going to make sure I spend enough time on me and being happy, so that I can make it through the dark times, and still be happy.

Sending positive energy into the universe as much as I can, being a positive influance and changing my world one person at a time.

-D

finally found my code issue on my blog

2009-03-28T10:10:00.002-07:00

my new posts were not posting, took a whole to find the error in the script that I had added, seems to be good now. I suppose time will tell

-Dave

I drempt I was a stream

2009-03-26T06:46:00.004-07:00

tonight I dreampt that my life was a stream, it flowed gently from a beggning, to and end, along
the way there were stones and pebbels that disturbed the otherwise calm smooth surface of the
water, and each place where there was a disruption, the ripples flowed down stream almost
endlessly, until they had blended back into the tranquil smoothness of the calm water. I stuck my finger the in the water and observed that no matter where it was placed my finger caused ripples that flowed out and touched the very edges of the stream.

I then drempt that I was that stream, calm, quiet, no stress no outside influances, just being.
there was noone, there was nothing, just peace, scilence, and calm..

Lost

2009-03-26T00:22:00.001-07:00

lost in a world that doesn't understand, lost in a world that
doesn't care, lost in a world numb to reality, a world where what once
was considered unacceptable, now is accepted as common place.

Each day it gets harder to see the good, becomes harder to see the
good in humanity. It wears me down, it seems very difficult to escape
from it. I find retreating into my own mind one of the few places left
that feels safe.

Lately I feel very alone in the world. I look at the past, I smile....
Then I cry, so many mistakes, and now here I am. Sometimes I hate
knowing the things I am not supposed to know. I look back at the
happiest times of my life and each of them involves ignorance on my
part, or at very least turning a blind eye to that which was so
obvious to people around me.

I wish I could get back to that, it seems that the world rewards that
type of behaviour. I want to be ignorant, I want to stop wanting to
make the world a better place, want to stop caring about helping
people be happy. It is such a constant drain, and it hurts so much.

I need a sign that what I do matters in the grand schme of things.
That I matter.......

2009-03-21T08:15:00.002-07:00

Woke up to patch adams on the TV, just in time to hear these quotes... prolly the perfect way to start a morning.

You're focusing on the problem. If you focus on the problem, you can't see the solution. Never focus on the problem!

See what no one else sees. See what everyone chooses not to see... out of fear, conformity or laziness. See the whole world anew each day!

the wonders of technology.

2009-03-20T23:01:00.003-07:00

Now, through the wonders of technology, I can update all of my networking sites from one application on my iphone. I have to say it makes me pretty happy..

It also kept me busy for like 2 hours, lol...

-D

in the city, in the dark

2009-03-19T22:16:00.002-07:00

as I lay here in the dark, in my hotel room. I look out at the city lights, i wonder what could possibly be next in my life. just since I have been here in my room, I have been happy, randomly cried, and been depressed (mostly by the news was better when I turned off the TV)

Tonight I just want to crawl under a rock and hide. just to be away, if even for just a little while. It is looking more and more like I am not going to be able to go home till after the weekend. That kinda bums me, but at the same time I am having trouble caring, or seeing that it really matters at all. I hope tomarrow will be better, today was ok, had some good highlights just supper emotional.

Started a facebook page today... that has been interesting... saw my friend raul on there from high school, brought back lots of memories, sent him a message we will see what happens.

maybe its time to just unplug for the evening, listen to some music.

numb

2009-03-16T07:58:00.004-07:00

when I started thinking about his post, I wanted to say that I just didn't care, thats not really true though. Its more than I am just numb. I have seen things recently that I never thought I would see, I have experienced things that I never thought I would or could experiece, I have come through the other side, and here I am. At some point I am sure I will think that I am better for it, that the experience has made me better in some way, but for now... I am just numb, right now

Going to SF tomarrow, wish I could say that I was looking forward to it. At lease it will be nice to get away for a while, my co-worker is a really good time to hang out with, and she said that we HAVE to go ut at least one night we are there. so I guess we will see.

I still hope that the next wonderful chapter in my life is just around the corner, I just wish that I could skip this particular part. My thoughts are on my family, I hope and prey that my dad comes around, my friends I hope they are all finding happieness, the world, I hope that things turn around, and hope returns to a world that has become mired in negativity and unhappieness.

goodish day

2009-02-27T10:39:00.000-07:00

Today is not too bad, it’s been a rough week, but today is not bad. I wish I didn't have so much to do after work, but at least it’s not a bad day. I signed up for some internal management classes. I attempted to help the team resolve some internal conflicts. been generally productive so far.

I have hope for the future again, for the first time in a couple weeks. thinking about things differently, letting go of the things I cannot change, accepting the things I cannot change.

I send this out to the universe. "I am ready to see what the future holds, I am ready to let go and let it be."

-D

my arms

2009-02-13T06:56:00.003-07:00

heard an original version of this, a slow version of this. Heard the words.... I cried... i smiled... I felt sad, and I felt happy... Safe in my arms... one the few things that I really feel like I can offer someone... to quote a movie that seems to fit...

" They look like big, good, strong hands. Don't they? I always thought that's what they were, but I couldn't hold on to them. they were pulled right out of my hands. I failed. "

Plumb In my arms

your baby blues
so full of wonder
your curley cues
your contageous smile
and as i watch
you start to grow up
all I can do is hold you tight

knowing clouds will raise up
storms will race in
but you will be safe in my arms
rains will pour down
waves will crash all around
but you will be safe in my arms

story books full of fairy tales
kings and queens and the bluest skies
My heart is torn just in knowing
you'll someday see the truth from lies

knowing clouds will raise up
storms will race in
but you will be safe in my arms
rains will pour down
waves will crash all around
but you will be safe in my arms

Castles they might crumble
dreams may not come true
but you are never all alone
because I will always
always love you

clouds will raise up
storms will race in
but you will be safe in my arms
rains will pour down
waves will crash all around
but you will be safe in my arms

life, hate, and the world

2009-02-04T15:41:00.002-07:00

Lately, I have been doing alot of thinking about the the world, and how much hate there is in it. I wonder how it got this way, how people will honk at someone who pulls over to help someone who has gotten in a accident, how someone can hate someone for reasons that have no baring on them at all.

I have started having very vivid disturbing dreams, about hate, and death, and all the uglieness in the world. I remember a time when it used to be so much eiser to just be upbeat, to ignore all the bad in the world.

I think alot of how I feel comes from being beat up by life the last couple of months. I keep telling myself that things will turn around. they will calm down, And maybe now... maybe thats the direction things are heading.

I am trying very hard to let the things I don't have control of go, and embrace the things in my life that are good, and that I should be thankful for. I have to hope that now is that time, the time that things will stabilize, and I can work on finding even more good things.

here is to keeping my fingers crossed once again.
-T

there are no words

2009-01-30T00:03:00.002-07:00

there are no words that truly express how I am feeling, so lost, so much like a failure, ready for things to turn around. I want to be happy again, I want to stop hurting. its been a very very long day and I am ready for it to be over...

back at work

2009-01-12T07:52:00.002-07:00

So here I am back at work, its weird to be back but in a good way I think. I hope I can keep occupied today. I think it would be bad if I can't. here is to keeping my fingers crossed.