The Art of Meditation.

Posture, appearence, perspective, health goals, etc...

2009-02-27T14:12:00.004-07:00

Well blogger I'm coming to you and all 3 of my loyal readers (Because I refuse to expose myself like this on myspace. :P ) on the subject of my appearance- Body health/ fat. I have often sought to rid myself of what I see as a developing "spare tire" around my belly button and love handles.

Some of the questions I'm asking myself are:
Is my perspective skewed
Are my goals unrealistic/unhealthy
Is it just my posture and I really look how I want to?
Or are my abdominal muscles not properly proportionate (eg lean vs bulk has the top developed lean and bottom bulk.. etc..)

I would like an out side opinion, if you'd all be so obliging. I will present my arguments for Bodyfat Vs Posture. If you would provide imput as to your opinion I would be apreciative.

Here is my argument for body fat:

In July of 07 I took these photos:

How I was:

And how I would like to be:

Then in September I posted measurements:

My change since July:

A loss of 5 lbs and a few inches.

And what I was trying to achieve:

Now my measurements read:

No weight difference, and minimal measurement difference (half inch here and there, could be due to posture, stomach content etc... varies within 1" from day to day...)

And I look like this:

Good posture:

Vs relaxed posture:

Even though there's been no change "by the numbers" I think there is a visible difference. But i'm not sure. A part of me thinks I may just be fooling myself but with only me for reference I have no "control group" to verify with.

Well I leave it to you. thoughts, comments, opinions?

Goals

2009-02-06T05:40:00.002-07:00

I think I've come to a bit of a plateau. I've gained a significant amount of control over myself, and therefor over my life, and now I don't know what to do with it. Here I am stagnating, because I have no drive, or passion, to do anything. I'm sure if I was sufficiently motivated I'd be far more of a whole person by now... yet... here I am.

I've seen many of my friends come and go, grow up, settle down, and start the rest of their lives. Still I remain in the same place I was when I met them 10 years ago. Though now I'm far more self supporting, and far more mentally together, I still have no direction in life.

I don't know what to do, where to go, hell I don't even know what I want to do; I suppose that'd be a good place to start. What do I want?

Growing up all I ever knew was my religion. Serve, marry, have kids, die. How, who, and what never even crossed my mind. I would just do what ever came before me. "the lord would direct me."

I never considered what I wanted. There were times that I knew I wanted to get away from the abhorrent environment I lived in, but that was as far as it went.

I have since quit my religion. I have also chosen not to procreate, or pursue a mate / life companion.

So what now? Everything I've ever worked for is but a memory.
I have no idea what to do, where to do it, or why.

It's far to early in the morning for all this. I'm prattling on and on about nothing, for? I suppose to get it out of my system so I can start my next insufferably unfulfilling work week. *sigh*

PS

Lee, wtf? why am I home again?

Learning. Sometimes I really don't want to.

2008-09-16T01:20:00.002-06:00

Learning new things about old friends can be a hard process. Sometimes the things you learn, get you thinking. This time I'm thinking things like, "how can my friend really be like this" "Do I still want to know this person?" I don't like learning things that start me thinking those thoughts. It's never fun. I live for fun and that is not fun. I feel like I'm back at home, or living with trevor again. Words come out of my mouth, but they don't want to listen. I feel backed in to a corner where reason and diplomacy don't work. A corner where your options are take the hits or run. I hate feeling like I have to run from my own home. It's inflamed when I pay to live in my home. This time I'm putting my neck on the line, way out on the line. I couldn't afford to stay here any more, but they asked so I've been trying. Yet here I am. My car is up for sale. My income is all but gone. Do they listen any more now then they did before? No. I can't remember why I decided to help. I'm not doing this again. Next time someone needs help they can go to someone else. From here on out it's about keeping my head above water.

Rough time.

2008-08-26T00:46:00.002-06:00

Last time I wrote things were falling in to place. The good news is... That on an emotional and mental level my problems have never been so simple.

The bad news is.... My anxiety is worse then ever, in a way. For the first time in my life I'm learning how hard keeping a job can be. I've been having a rough time finding a job I can do, that pays enough money, and doesn't do bad things to me.

More good news is... I've settled on a nice quiet job as a waiter at an Italian restaurant. It'll take some time to learn how to do the job, before I can make much money at it. Mostly I need to learn the food, and that's as hard as it gets. I repeat, the hardest part involves FOOD!!! *drools* Did I mention learning involves eating the food? Muhahahahhahahaha!

I've also found a place to live. It's close to "the big places of doing things" and right at the "half way" point between all my friends. I won't have to go too far for any of them. It's also got awesome rent and it's right next to the Light Rail.

*So it's a little falling apart and dirty, but meh.*

I've found a nice girl to cuddle with too. She is nice. If I keep this up, I think I can handle many more years without sex. That would be nice.

Maybe I'll eventually get back to regular updates. I do check my myspace and email every day if you want to contact me there. Talk to you all again soon, I hope ;)

Life back at home.

2008-06-09T16:17:00.002-06:00

I've been home for 2 weeks. In almost every aspect of my life things are falling in to place.

With girls, I'm not 'fixed' but I'm doing much better. I've already had a few endeavors that have shown me the progress I've made. Though I've still got a way to go.

Although, when it comes to the Job hunt, and the "what happened that I came home" questions I'm having a lot of trouble. I'm not ready to explain the "why I came home question". I'm also afraid of telling people, because I'm afraid they won't 'get it'. I think it means more to me then it does to other people. I tried to explain it once or twice, but I just don't think people want to hear it. Or I could be crazy. All I know is that it hurts, and I don't know how to show people I'm hurting. I just try to "act normal" and hope it all blows over and works it's self out.

Ok that's all I can get out right now, I'll try to write again later.

Update

2008-06-01T11:30:00.002-06:00

I haven't been blogging here much. Take a look at my myspace for more frequent updates.

Corrections and news.

2008-03-08T08:27:00.004-07:00

In response to the comments on my last post, a few corrections are in order.

I agree, it is my reaction and not the environment its-self. I usually write from my perspective, and tend to word things "from my point of view" when I really should present myself more clearly. On that note, to more clearly represent my view, I will reword my view on the mental health issue. I believe that the best thing for me is to return to an environment that I react to in a more healthy manner. As a result, after much thought, it is my view that when they hear my story they too will come to that conclusion. Although I would very much prefer the benefits of staying, the cost of staying is, in my mind, to great a price to pay. Although if that is not the conclusion they come to, I have prepared myself to use any other method they present me with to it's fullest potential. I made an appointment yesterday, and I'm scheduled for an appointment on Tuesday at 10A EST/ 8A MST.

Dover. It's not as pretty as everyone said. Actually I'm already rather bored with the scenery. It's like Utah; without the mountains. I haven't seen the beach yet, but if I can I'd like to see the sunrise there tomorrow. I think that will set Dover apart form Utah for me. Mountains vs Ocean view. If I'm still here next week, and still allowed off base, I'll be renting a car and driving up to Manhattan. I plan to see the Statue, and hopefully see Rick and my Brother while I'm in town. Although; if neither is available this next weekend, I may go to DC instead and see our nations capital. Either would be a good experience and very beneficial to my morale. Class doesn't start until Wednesday, so I don't know how that will be yet. The school house is now in an actual building and not the side rooms of a hanger.

I have now seen several C-5's. Not up close, yet, but close enough. They are HUGE, but not as big as I thought. They are slightly bigger then the Air Bus. Around 3X the size of an average commercial plane ( the approximate size of a 737). It is best described as adding a massive cargo bay below a bowing 747 passenger deck. I don't have exact numbers, but I would guess that it can hold 100-200 passengers, in addition to 10-20 vehicles and other cargo.

When a C-5 takes off, all sound for 1-2 miles is dround out. When it lands and turns on the reverse thrusters you can hardly hear yourself talk, if your out side. Big plane, big engines. I have to tell you, it sure is something else to see a C-5 dissapear in to the fog hanging over the base this morning. It's been cool.

Well lots to get caught up on this weekend, ttl.

Fred

The plan... more coherently this time...

2008-03-05T12:33:00.006-07:00

The Facts:

-The military holds a bright future for me.

-I also could have a bright future with out it.

*If I remain emotionally unstable, then the benefits of staying here are out weighed by the consequences.

*The emotional instability is a direct cause of the environment I'm in.

The choices:

-Take my chances and "push through the pain" hoping I never actually go through with anything stupid.

-Make my situation known and likely be sent home to become what I will under "my own steam"

What I want may be influenced by the hardship over my heart right now. You know, it's the wounded animal theory. While in duress fight or flight is acted on; then, when it's safe, focus shifts to desires etc... That said; I currently think, and feel, that I have benefited all that I will from this and pushing further is more likely to do harm to me, the people around me, and the people I love.

I leave for Dover in 2hours. And I'll be checking in to mental health at the first convenience.

Oh ya, btw: I passed my last test with a 94 giving me the highest average in the class with 93%
(94,94&92 do average to 93 don't they?)

Well I'm going to finish up here and head back to play one last game of pool at the Squadron. I don't know what Internet availability is going to be like, so hopefully I'll talk to you all again soon.

(P.s. I finally found a cloth tape mesure. Next time I'm on I'll likely have accurate updated measurements... now if I can just convince myself to go to the gym and get on a scale....)

Love

Fred

Alcohol, Dissapointment, and the Human condition

2008-03-04T17:51:00.002-07:00

First, Alcohol. When consumed makes induces everything from euphoria to severe depression. For me, in moderation, euphoria is more common. In the end you sober up and the real world comes hurtling back as painful, or not, as it may be. I have noticed this same sequence in regards to talking to my friends from home. I feel good for a while, and then I sober up.

Now for Disappointment and the human condition.

I've had a lot to think about lately. About my life, and where I'm heading and where I want to be etc... I've spent allot of my time here severely depressed. So much so that I've reached new, scary, lows when I get suicidal. In the past being suicidal never scared me as much as it added to my depression. Now, once I manage to pull myself away from it, I'm left in horror of what I was ACTUALLY considering. Some of the things I've... Well suffice to say I'm not feeling well.

I've found that being here is taking it's toll on me. I could, in theory, take the chance and continue on. I could also talk to the mental health folks and more likely then not watch that path lead to my inevatable discharge.

I know which path I want, and think I should take. The trouble lies in this: I don't want to dissapoint the people who love me. I know many of them want me to do this and become successfull. My idea of success is... well I have a very different idea of what success is. I know what's best for me, and I know what could yeild the most "worldly" version of success. I'm going to see mental health once I get to dover this week. I'll give every chance; but in the end if things don't get better I'll be comming home.

Got to go before the computer kicks me off...

Smack shake and move

2008-03-02T14:04:00.003-07:00

So I had a very helpfull talk with a friend last night. You might say I was talking against orders; then again you might also say I was hiding from mom and dad and breaking the rules. I was supposed to be on lock down; aka no phones.

I'm glad I didn't wait though. I have a test tomorrow. Wether or not I will pass that test is yet to be seen. My study guide just became the intamite lover attached at my hip... or rather hand in this case.

I lost sight of why I was here. I was scared. Not just ambiguously scared of the unknown; but deathly scared of... to many things to explain in my limited time frame on this pc. Talking to my friend was like a cold splash of water to wake you up from a nightmare.

I've rememberd why I'm here, although the "nightmare" still lingers a bit in the background; the way all nightmares do. You know that feeling after you wake from a nightmare? everything is all better but it still leaves you a bit shaken. That's where I am right now. Tommorow I'll be passing my block test and shiping out to Dover on wendsday.

"I found my happy thought!"

I suppose that's the best way to rap it up, with a nice little bow on top. Watch the movie "Hook" if you don't get my meaning.

I've decided to talk to mental health either way. I HATE pills. I am also AWFULLY against taking them unless vitally necessary. I'm not talking about asprine here..... I'm talking about anti-anxiety medication. I don't think it's anti-depressants I need, I think it's anti-anxiety pills. Atleast I think I need them for a while, as a "crutch" so I can finaly heal from a "broken bone" that got growing up.

There's being optimistic, and then there's being realistic. I want to pass my block test tomorrow; but I also want to fly like superman. Wanting it, or believing I can won't make it happen. Wanting to pass my block test, and wanting to heal from my anxiety with out help/pills are both well and good. I can believe I will do it untill I'm blue in the face. The truth, the reality is that I might not pass the test tomorrow. The reality is that I might never heal from my anxiety with out help. Want it or not, I'll let the therapist see my anxiety problem, and I'll let them issue me the drugs to get better. The reality is that I've got to get moving; and back to my studies.

Love you all, and I'll find some time to call after my test, and all the out processing paper work; rick.

Thank you all for the support. It means alot.

Psycology and the ass you pull your head from.

2008-02-28T19:19:00.002-07:00

I talked to my MTL last night. Very nice man. Kind understanding, and said no.

Had an emotional break down after school today. I was visited by another MTL and 2 Airmen leaders. "invited" to go see a chaplin for some emotional counciling.

Spent almost 2 hours talking to said chaplin. Had to promise not to hurt myself and that I would get up and go to school tomorrow. Yay, promises to compleet strangers that mean nothing to me is soooo helpful. So she advised me to pass my block test (do my best) and ship out on tuesday. Apon arival at my next base that I should see mental health; who she expects will issue me an anti-depressant. If the anti-depressant doesn't work they would possibly do a mental eval to determine my capasaty to perform my duties. She did reasure me that they would rather discharge me then me "do something stupid". However that they would very understandably want to do everything they could to protect their investment, and try to retain me if at all posible. Yay! I'm an investment! Well I did agree to that one afterall...

So I'll be here a while longer. I despratly want to talk to legal and say "ok i understand you all want to try this and that, but I'm telling you it's not a chemical imballance just understand that there were unforseeable difficulties and let me go!" However, I will just have to be paitent and wait.

Got to find something to eat tonight; missed out on the dining facility.

Fred

My 200th post. A first.

2008-02-27T18:39:00.003-07:00

This marks the first time a blog of mine has reached far and above 100 posts. Land mark!

I passed my test Monday. My score now puts me at the top of my class. Yay! Yet all for not. I will be seeing my MTL tonight about early level separation. Turns out I'm not going to wait till Dover. Student loans here I come! (more on that when the inconsiderate dum ass on the pc next to me isn't puting his ass in my face.)

Talk later!...

Ok i'm back... I hate people...some days.

So I'm excited to get home. In-fact finding out about early level separation has brought me out of my rut. Admitedly it's the only thing keeping me positive right now, but it sure does help alot!

I'm pretty sure the comment on my last post is the anonymous AMY; from the way she types; but I could.. *HA* be rong. :P

Well I won't make promises until after I talk to the big Boss.

Time to finish my onliningness and get back to the dorm..

Life here.

2008-02-24T10:37:00.002-07:00

An emotional history of the last month and a half here at tech school.

4 weeks of keeping myself busy enough to not have time to think; and 4 weekends alone in my dorm very depressed.

1 week and one weekend fairly content; but I wouldn't say happy.

And now back to depressed.

I'm seeing a pattern here. maybe. (if you can't read the sarcasm, it's there.)

One week, and two days, until I move to Dover. Assuming, of-course, that I pass both of the big tests between now, and that Tuesday. Once I'm in Dover, if this keeps up, then I'll be going; once again; to see a councilor. Well this time it will be a shrink, and not a chaplin. At that time there is a large probability that I could get sent home, wether I like it or not.

One week. It seems far longer then it is......

My first night out.

2008-02-18T13:06:00.002-07:00

For the first time since November, I went out. I picked a few random people, well not so random (I picked the only people whom I could remember their names) and invited them all out to go bowling.

2 girls and some a** that I would normally not consider talking to. As luck would have it, the closer alley was closed. You know, the one that has balls that don't hold on to my thumb. Ya the one where my average game is above 80. no no no instead we went to the main alley. I got my ass handed to me, again, and again and again.

We went back to the squadren, when the alley closed, and played pool untill 1140. We got rotating games of cut throat going. Mostly this made me realise that playing with some of those guys is only fun when there is an attracive female around to make them crazy. It makes their game suck. Which in turn allows me to look like I can actually play pool. :D

Good times, and a headake to finish the night. Well better get back; I've been putting off my home work all weekend. Oh ya, I forgot; We got today off because of presidents day. yay for benifits!

Learning to love, a whole new way.

2008-02-16T14:00:00.002-07:00

When I was growing up, I never thought about the big "why are we alive?" question. I knew that there was a god, and I was here to get back to him.
All my life there had only been two things I'd wanted to do.

1) Please the lord and god I believed in

2) Find a woman to love, who loved me, and spend the rest of my life with her.

As life went on, I started to think for myself. I started to learn and grow.
As my corse would have it, I eventually found myself doubting what I believed.
A long story short I stoped believing in everything. I started to simply exist. What next? I didn't know. This train led me to a tall cliff, that I finaly pulled away from. That cliff was my way out. the only thing else I knew to do was to die. When I returned from there, I found that cliff loomed over everything I did. Only now, it wasn't an option. I simply could not, not would not, but could not do it.

Life went on and there were other cliffs, 38.'s, 40.'s, alcohol, etc... and the list goes on. I finally decided to do something with my life. Here I am. Yet... that cliff still walks with me.
Looming in the back ground; for how long now, I don't know; has been a hope I didn't see. It's seed was planted in my vanity years ago. That vanity grew and changed along side my maturity.

Looking in the mirror I see someone I love, and don't want to loose. I've felt that ,behind all the pain, for so long that it took coming here to realise it. I looked in the mirror today, and realised that I love the person staring back. There are few people in this world I've ever loved with that kind of passion. The realisation that i'm one of them, makes me happy in a way I don't know how to explain.

I was having a hard time; but I think I'm going to be ok.

I feel ok. Peacefull.

Of those two life goals I had, the second one has never left my heart. Maybe one day my dream will come true. That would be nice.

In the mean time; I've got a lot of work to do.

Love,

Fred.

The wonderfull world of school

2008-02-09T10:18:00.000-07:00

I thought I'd be on more often then this. However I'm starting to think I won't have a regular web presence until I get to my Perminant duty station and get my computer back.

Just spent some time looking through photos on my space.... some of which I could swear were promised to never be put on the web... *scowls* Steve licking wipping cream off my stomach; not something that needs to be on a 24" screen; in a public library; on base. Watch how fast I can click the next button....

I know I've got lotssssssssss to talk about, but I can't think of what is important enough to put down in my limited time frame. I'm enjoying the scenery at each base more then anything else. I'm trying to convince myself to do 12hrs of study this weekend... we'll see. The cute rabbits on base make me wish I could have my camera around more often. yada yada yada I could keep this up all day.

School is as I thought; harder then BMT. The first of 3 tests is next week and the first one is the hardest of them; based on the amount of information it covers. The next 2 will be much more enjoyable for me. The second one is on engines. I've been dying to learn about the mini tornado producing engines, and how they work. :D just vvvvvvrrrroooomm!!!!

I miss home. I had a bit of an episode in my room the other night. I seriously contimplated going down to the leagal office and considering my options on how to get out of my enlistment w/o going to jail. It took most of the next day for me to calm down; inside; and I still desprately want to see the people I love. It helps to remind myself that I'm here because of how "much" was going on in my life. That if I hadn't been so compleetly depressed that I would never have left at all. It doesn't make it hurt less; but it does help me not complain about it, and that's good.

I don't think a day goes by that I don't think about at least one of the "women" that has been in my life. Mostly Halee. Being my most recent fuck up, it makes sence that she'd be on my mind more then the others. I'm contimplating sending her flowers for vday. She's only talked to me once since I left; so I'm not sure where we stand, or if flowers would be apropriate.... Enough of that now. I've got a whole day ahead of me and no time for people who don't talk to me; eh?

Time to get studding...

Fred

Nights

2008-02-02T11:51:00.000-07:00

It started back in BMT. I think it only happend once or twice while there; and now is a weekly, if not daily, event.

I still remember some of them, but most fade in to never never land; that place between dreams and awake. They are unique. I am more relaxed and feel more at home then I have in a very long time. Waking up from one of them is a shock to my system. Waking up from these dreams is like feeling free, and then remembering you're in a full body cast. Being awake is so restrictive and tense.

It's very reminisint of waking up in a park. You feel so safe and warm; and then you wake, and realise there's snow on the ground, your freezing, and who is that lurking in the shadow over there... ya reminds me of that.

*Sigh* I was going to stay asleep today. I was having such good dreams. Sadly I have mandatory "fun" today. I have to go or I get written up. I suppose I have to studdy today; I'd have had to wake up eventually....

I'll keep my dreams of home on my mind and see if they return tonight. :D

Love

Fred

Up date 1-30-2007

2008-01-30T11:20:00.000-07:00

Well I'm dover for sure. I graduate Sheppard on March 4th, and will be off to Delaware for my follow on training. After I'm done training I will (with luck) be heading home to SLC for 12 days. Then it's 6 years in Dover.

I know it's a short update. I've been outside all day and my brain is just as frozen as my hands so I'll have to write more when I'm coherent. :)

ALL KEY FOLKS!!!!

2008-01-25T17:51:00.000-07:00

For the sake of the phonetically challanged; that's 'ok folks' in Southern. Yes it is their own language.

I don't know when it's going to kick me off. It's told me 3 times I had 10 min left and then allowed me to extend it for 10 min so....

I don't know about tonight but I will start posting here again. My MYSPACE has some updates, However i will be primarially updating here as soon as some more of the 'dust settles'. I've still got at least one more move so I can't get too comfortable; yet. :)

Times runing out so I don't think I'm getting another 10 min extention.

TTL love you all

Fred

Welcome Myspace readers!

2007-11-26T11:27:00.000-07:00

Welcome to all you Myspace readers out there! Feel free to look around and get a good look at the place. I'm online at this site more then anywhere else in cyberspace. I don't know what Tech school will be like, but I'll try to keep regular updates on this blog once I'm out of B.M.T.

Looks like I'll have access to the net right up until lights out at the hotel tonight.

Love you all

3 Days remaining.

2007-11-23T10:10:00.000-07:00

The second date pulled through. We went to the Zoo, and had a good time. I might see her again Sunday, but we'll see.

I'm getting pretty nervous. I know it's because I'm "doing something new" but it doesn't make it any less nerve recking. I'll wash and pack the last of my clothes and other things today. I'll move them over to Marc's house either Sat or Sun.

Counting down the days,

Fred

One weekish left

2007-11-18T09:50:00.000-07:00

Well the second date looks like it's not going to happen, meh. It was good to get out.

The fair well last night was pretty good. Other then my family, it was mostly the same friends that showed up to my other fair well. Go figure.. :)

But then we went over to a friends house and played games and such for a while and that was nice.

Well I'm not at work any more, so I'm gona try to be off-line as much as I can,

Love you all,

Post date news/ Last day at work.

2007-11-16T11:11:00.000-07:00

My date last night, was one of the best I've been on in years. There was a part at the end that I'm embarassed about, but I don't think she looked down on me for it. :)

In fact she knows one of the case workers in my building. I talked to him today and he seems to think she won't make anything of it. :) Good times. Best date I've been on in years. Shortest (only one hour) date in years, but best date in years. :D

Lots o' crap about work. Long story short, I may not be leaving CBI under good terms. *Meh* Not a company I'm comming back to so no big deal if it goes badly.

One more week! I'm nervous and excited, check back next hour I'm sure that'll change.

Date? No really. I have a whole box.

2007-11-14T12:27:00.001-07:00

My toe is doing great. In fact, it's almost healed. The doc said by Friday I would be able to take the bandage off.

In far more interesting news...

I have a date. She's from Lousiana, is Buhddist and very cute. She seems to like sushi almost as much as I do; as well as other foods; likes anime, the list goes on. She vaguley reminds me of the average girl at an anime convention.

She knows about the Air force, and is fine with it. We'll be going to the Koyo on thursday.

It should be nice to do a bit of casual dating. I think it'll be good for me. :)

So I payed this guy $300 to slice in to my toe...

2007-11-07T09:46:00.000-07:00

The other day I was thinking to myself, "When I sell my gun, I'm gonna have $600 just lying around." "What ever am I going to do with $600?", I asked.

Well I started thinking about what I should do with the money. I thought, "I could save it, and accrue interest; or I could add $200 from my checking account and pay off my car insurance; or I could make a few payments on my car. I could even leave it in checking and put my phone on an automatic payment schedule while I'm in basic training."

After many more thoughts it came to me. I knew what I had to do.
I needed someone to put a big ugly gash in my foot.
So last night I found this guy to do the work for me.

You see, I haven't had a limp for more then a month now. Me not having a limp means something is wrong with the cosmos. I mean if I don't have a sprained ankle or a torn ligament or something that makes me hobble around like a gimped po' boy, then the world just can't be right. So I figured what a better reason to limp around then a big gash in one of my toes.

However, I had to make sure it was a sterile cut. A gash is fine, but an infection? That just wouldn't be the right kind of limp. It had to be something that was "healing" not something that was Festering.

SO after hours of searching the web, I found a guy. His assistant told me he won't normally work so late in the day, but that if I could get there right after I got off work that He'd stay a bit later and do the work.

So now I have this nice big gash. It's on the big toe of my left foot. More precisely it runs from the front of my toe all the way up and to the back of the toe nail. It's on the left side of the toe too. In fact it cut through 1/4" of my toe nail.

This morning it looks like it might be infected. That could also just be puss from the cauterization. Oh, sorry, forgot to mention that part. See mom always told me not to cut my toenails too short or I could get an ingrown toenail and it would cause infection. SO, as he'd cut it all the way back to the base of the nail, we decided it would be best if we prevented it from growing back and causing an infection. The cauterization also helped with the bleeding; I didn't want to get blood all over my shoes.

All said and done, it put me out a little less then $300. Now what to do with the other $300?.... ;)

So I don't know what actually caused the ingrown toenail.
The three causes I know of are cuting nails too short, fungal infection, or improper foot wear. I'm guessing improper foot wear myself, as I keep my feet clean and the toenails slightly long; for just this reason. However my foot wear is frequently... lacking.

I go in for a follow up on Monday to make sure it's healing properly. I'll have to remember to ask the Doc if He knows what the cause was.

The big joke? If it isn't healed by the time I ship out, I don't ship out. They don't start paying me until the day I ship out. Why, you ask, is that so funny? I'll tell you why. Because I've already put my 2 weeks notice in to my current employer. If I don't work, I don't get paid, If I don't get paid, I can't make the payment on my car loan. If that happens then I know someone who isn't eating... So Fingers crossed and Hoping for good news on Monday.

:)