Thoughts In The Making

...too picky?

2009-05-14T08:59:00.000-07:00

My purpose in life is to serve Hakadosh Baruch Hu.

My purspose in life is to defeat my yetzer hara, and reach my full potential.

My purspose in life is to be closer to HaShem.

"Thanks for suggesting Mr Ploni ben ploni, he seems like a mentch, however he doesn't make time to learn Torah, I mean, he doesn't have a seder, he said that himself, I am not interested"

A storm breaks.

I hang up the phone, I am too tired to speak to anyone, too hurt.

Tidbits of the conversation are playing in my head...I am confused.

Thanks for reminding me that I am too picky, I believe I left the earning potential, looks, family background, education and all that open...but I only specified that...well, he should be , well, kovea itim.

To a bachur, that is what it comes down to, you love Torah? I am not a cardiac-Jew, I want to be a practical one, you love Torah? Then make time for it!!

A guy with a good heart is something to value, of course, but a guy who doesn't have a seder, is something I can't value.

No, let's not play games, don't tell me I will marry a mean guy who has a seder, why do you think it has to be the one (good middos) or the other ( has a learning seder) ?

Thanks also for reminding me that thousands of singles will never marry because they are picky-just like me.

I hang up the phone , I am too tired to speak to anyone. I grab my siddur and I pour my heart out to My Father In Heaven.

Back again!

2009-02-15T19:29:00.000-08:00

I can't believe I am writing again, I've been neglectful to this blog, I ask mechila from anyone who has stopped by and was deceived by the previous emptiness.

I have been, busy, I heard a Rabbi say to me once that being single and busy is the best thing I could do for myself right now, and it is my best tool against boredom, negative thoughts, and having my energy channeled in not so fruitful projects.

I am b"H still quiet busy with seminary every morning, and work in the afternoon; In a couple of week college will start again and my seminary time will be cut in half.

In seminary I 've been learning two seforim ( among other things), Rabbi Dessler's Michtav M' Eliyahu and Ohel Rachel ( hebrew, published by Mishkan Yisrael (Yerushalayim)).

I am so blessed, I am so lucky, I am so thankful ( I think I did write this before) to the Borei Olam for letting me learn Torah.

I do feel frustrated so many times because of my slow Hebrew, or because of the yetzer hara reminding me that I am a few years behind a typical bais yaakov girl my age. But I keep reminding myself, that HaShem certainly knows how much my ignorance hurts me, and He will certainly continue to hold my hand step by step towards learning more how to be a true Bas Melech.

Ok y' all ( I've been spending sometime with my good friends from Texas ), it is good to be writing again, I hope I could find something more inspiring to say next time, till then...take care!

It is summertime!

2008-07-22T23:38:00.000-07:00

And i am not in Eretz Yisroel so that is deception #1, I am not done with school that is deception #2, and the biggest deception is that Moshiach is not here( and back to point #1) therefore i am not in Eretz Yisroel...
I have been fine and busy for those who were asking, I am working for the summer, davening, learning Rashi and collecting recipes - making the actual food is a step i have yet to get to-

Since i cant come up with somthing entertaining or interesting i will write these lines i ve been thinking of today as I am going through a difficult personal situation:

My Dear Father, My King: Thank You for watching over me, thank You for letting me feel the warmth and security of knowing that You are helping me in every step of my life, of my day, of every second that I live, Thank You for giving me the confidence, clarity and firm knowledge that I am not alone in this battle of life, whether it is a battle against my yetzer hara, or with making good choices, or this puzzle of figuring out the best way to serve You...I love you so much and I want You to bring the geula to klal yisroel, b'meheira!

Will Bli neder write more seriousely now that I was reminded that I have a blog!

Busy

2008-04-07T22:16:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone,
I have been b"H busy busy busy.
I am trying to be a better Jewess, working on my middos, my avodas HaShem and everything related to my yidishkeit.

I am also very happy and very excited for Nissan, my birthday is in a few days and I am preparing to thank HaShem for the day I came into this world, for allowing my neshomo to be in this generation, for letting my parents raise me the way they did -yes they aren't jews but they merited that their daughter became a yid-...simply: For giving me life.

I will be sitting at my first Seder as a jew as well: The last two pesachim i sat and dreamt of my own geulah, to be able to do mitzvos, and keep shabbos fully.
This year i am living part of my personal geulah b"H, i am a jew, and i am keeping shabbos fully and of cours all other mitzvos b'ezras HaShem, soon, G-d willing, we should all be able to offer korbanos in the beis Hamikdash Hashlishi and live the complete geula.

A Freilechen and Kosher Pesach, and remember to make a place for the 5th son...the one who doesn't know about the seder at all.

Travel post: Haiti

2008-03-25T17:39:00.000-07:00

Haitian Art

Picture courtesy of voyagevirtuel.info

I was 11 years old when I spent a summer in Haiti ( click here for google map view ), the poorest country in the Western hemisphere, it is hard to imagine that such a beautiful green resourceful country could have such a striking poverty, I knew the statistics but I couldn't really internalize it until I've seen it with my own eyes.

One of the scariest things that happened to me happened in Haiti: We were driving through a "bad" neighborhood : Cite Soleil is known for kidnappers, robbers and armed gangs, my father didn't know how to drive, so he had a driver, Jim'.

Somehow we found ourselves driving through the wrong areas, in the wrong time; We were in front of a football ( soccer, depends where you are from) stadium, right after the game! There was a lot of traffic and we were caught in the middle of a sea of cars, we couldn't distinguish the road, pedestrians and drivers were side by side...suddenly we heard gun shots, jim' the driver was very scared so he took his gun and shot it in the air, the crowd in front of us dispersed and we were able to finally find our way out of the scene.

My father lived a couple of years in Haiti working as coordinator for an NGO, he wasn't always armed but his driver was, Jim' explained to me that the car was armored, but I think I still need therapy to recover from the shock of that incident.

The situation is much worse now than it was in 97', recently, Haitians have developed a cookie like food made out of salt, mud and oils as a substitute for the lacking food, the unemployment rate is 80% and

Haiti is classified the most corrupted country in the world according to transparency International

Every night, down hill from our residence, the locals gathered in the empty marketplace transforming it to a dancing ring the stands of fruits and vegetables are replaced with stands of "rum" sellers, the Compaq rhythm music, mainly drums starts around 10 pm every night, I remember my sister and I spending good parts of the night watching the scene from the roof.

The beaches in Haiti are simply F-A-B-U-L-O-U-S, I haven't seen such clear, pure waters in my entire life!

In port Au Prince, the public transportation is tap tap, shuttle like buses/vans, extensively decorated, most of the time with religious slogans and pictures, a piece of popular art more than it is a mean of transportation.

UPDATE: I just wanted to add that most Haitian immigrants live in the US, mainly in New York...have you seen any Haitian flags around CH?

Market Place in Port Au Prince ( Capital)

(pictures above courtesy of friendship.org)

(Picture courtesy of traveladventures.org)

Mazal Tov to my friend!

2008-03-24T23:29:00.000-07:00

Something about a wedding of an older single friend is so special.

Especially when this friend spent too many single years...but with dignity and simcha.

I have no words that would make justice to how happy I am tonight.

Mazal Tov!

3 train and the tefillin guy.

2008-03-11T17:00:00.000-07:00

Today I witnessed a scene on the three train, from Crown Heights towards Atlantic Ave station.

An intense scene.

I walked in the train pushing my way to the empty seat, then I looked to the lady sitting a few seats away, at first I thought she was somehow mentally ill, she was singing loudly, gesturing with her hands and swaying. A black, petite old lady...singing...with her unpleasant voice...singing church songs!

Grrreat! I thought. Now I have to hear the Yoshke story, I day-dreamed that I could just stand, walk to her, and ask her to stop singing...I was offended by her "Come to Yoshke ...lallaaa...lalla" rime, and because she sings terribly and out of the scale.

I contemplated moving to the next track, but I saw two Lubavichers sitting across of me and I was somehow comforted.

I took my sefer tehilim and tried to concentrate on reading the holy psukim despite the annoying Sunday morning church service obnoxiously conducted a few seats away from me.

But then...one of the Lubavichers, the son, opened his tefillin case, took the tefillin out, kissed them, and slowly, but securely proceeded to lay them...in the train, then he opened his chitas...

The lady's voice became louder, I didn't want to look directly to her but she was moving in her seat and pointing to the bochur and his fathr, she was in a trans-like state, still singing.

I looked at the passengers, some looked puzzled at at the bochur laying his tefillin and at the preacher singing about Yoshke.

I had a feeling of distress, the lady was maamesh yelling, I think I heard her say "Stop the sabbath and come to yoshke" or at least something in that line, while pointing toward the bochur and his father.

I felt threatened, not necessarily in a physical manner, but her voice became unbearable, why did I forget my mp3 player ? I thought to myself, I brought my sefer tehillim closer to me, concentrated on the wise psukim and started uttering the holy words.

My stop has finally arrived, i looked up, the bochur didn't take off his tefillin yet, the lady was still in her enraged -somehow melodic- trans.

May we all merit to see Moshiach very very soon.

Deep impact.

2008-03-10T23:00:00.000-07:00

Picture courtesy of www.artlives.org

After Gush Katif, the Merkaz Harav's attack hit me the deepest and the hardest.

I am still shaken.

HaShem took the most precious jewels of klal yisroel.

We are left childless and brotherless.

My pain come from knowing that they were yashiva bochurim, that they sit and learn Torah all

day.

Today I went back to seminary, I was relieved to find my rabbeim and my friends that I haven't seem since Thursday.

We managed to read tehillim between shiurim for the refuah sheleima of the hospitalized bochurim, we talked, we shared our dismay, we were mechazek each other.

We had questions, why? why them? why HaShem takes the most precious of his children?...we shed tears, we held each other's hands, we made hachlotos.

Walking under the rain on erev shabbos.

2008-03-09T08:38:00.000-07:00

Candle lighting is at 5:36.

It is raining...

4:30: I am in front of my house waiting for bus to take me to my shabbos destination.

4:45: No bus yet.

4:55: One more person is waiting for the same bus, my anxiety is now shared.

5:00: I start to walk to the next bus station.

5:07: I am three stations away from my house already, I continued walking looking back now and then hoping to see the bus.

"I couldn't do it with a bad knee, Baruch HaShem for good health I thought.

5:15: I walked third way to my destination already...no bus yet.
The streets were quit empty, it is almost shabbos and it is raining! I started humming the Alter Rebbe's niggun .

5:25: I walked two thirds of the distance between my house and my destination, and the bus didn't appear yet.
I continued my walk, my shabbos shoes- so not fit for this kind of weather- are wet, I am still humming the same niggun, thinking "what would this shabbos be like, for the parents of the 8 bochurim?"

5:30: I finally reach Coney Island, I looked back to the long avenue I just walked, the bus finally showed up at the other end of the avenue, two buses followed right behind.
I amused my self to the idea of suing the bus company for my shoes, and of course my time, then I got back to my deeper thoughts, to Eretz Yisroel, to the 8 bochurim...I repeated the few tehillim I knew by heart with the bochurim under medical attention in mind.

5:40: I arrived at my host's house, my friends were worried, I changed quickly and lit my candles...

Shabbos kodesh...

Ad mosai?

2008-03-06T22:03:00.000-08:00

There are no words that could describe my pain today.

Their world turned around pages of Gemorro!

Yeshiva bochurim!!

I am in such pain, I am in pain for their parents, for their families, rabbeim, friends, chavrusos, for the houses they could've built, for the children they could've had, for the learning they could've accomplished, for the mitzvos they could've done...

For their precious lives...

H’ Yimkom Domim!

Please, be mispalel for:

Naftali ben Gila;
Yonasan ben Avital;
Shimon ben Tirza;
Nadav ben Hadas;
Reuven ben Naomi;
Elchanan by Zehava.

They are injured in hospital.

We want Moshiach NOW!!!

I did it I DID IT!!!!

2008-02-12T17:44:00.000-08:00

Fireworks by Katherine Dolgy Ludwig

I read, loud, in front of my seminary class!

Do you get what I just typed?

I read a whole paragraph from Rav' Dessler's z"t"l 'sMichtav M'Eliyahu, I read loud, I read nekudos-free hebrew!!!!

I READ IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE CHEVRAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!

This has been a fear since I started learning in seminary, my hebrew embarrasses-actually embarrassed me, but thank G-d it motivated me to learn more.

Today during the Michtav M'Eliyahu class, for some reason I had enough courage to volunteer to read in front of 15 girls, it has been one of my biggest fears.

I hated the idea of not reading as well as other girls do, i hated the possibility of making mistakes, i just didn't want to embarrass myself, the girls in my class are mature and don't care, but i do.

Voila, it is done, the class went as usual, we learned, we dbated and I said bye bye to "old" fears.

Design...

2008-02-10T18:47:00.000-08:00

OMG!!! MY BLOG LOOKS SOOO SCARY IN BLACK! EWWWW!
But then...
It is sooo elegant!
...
but it is sooo sad and dark and serious...
still, so classy...
Nu??
I'll think about it, I need to fix a few things, the post titles need to be pink, or maybe not, I don't know exactly, but as elegand and classy it might seem there is somthing so off about this new look, it just doesn't go...hummm. Can u help me figure it out?

I am soaking some beans for a weekday chulent, in this cold weather I end up taking chulent to eat for lunch, it is easy to make, nutritious, and so good when it is freezing!

Here is how I make my weekday chulent:

Beans
Sweet Potatoes
cucumbers, sliced.
Organic Vegetable soup
Paprika
Garlic powder
Salt

Wake up at 6 am, say brochos, cook the above mix on a low flame, while it cooks, daven, learn chitas, do laundery, talk to my parents ( it is early afternoon by them), exercice, check my email...

8:15 am, turn flame off, make lunch bag with water bottle, plain yogurt, a fruit and a few almonds and of course my chulent which I store inside the thermos and catch my ride to seminary.

Bon appetit and have a great stress-free day!

Je n' arrive plus a ecrire!

2008-02-09T21:35:00.000-08:00

C'est la verite, d' abord je ne trouve pas d' histoire, toutes les histoires interessantes sont trop prsonelles pour partager avec un aussi large public ( oh la blague! ) Ensuite, qd je trouve l' histoire je suis "overwhelmed" quand je commnce a l' ecrire, j' ecris unparagraphe ou deux, et puis je baisse les bras en defaite litteraire!
BREF!
A plouch!

my Thoughts...in the making

2008-02-03T21:21:00.001-08:00

I am thinking about my yidishkeit, I am thinking about my hashkafa, I am thinking about my minhagim, my chumras, and my leniencies.

A ger falls in a very different place than BT's when it comes to picking minhagim, maybe I am wrong, but usually BT's end up picking the minhagim and following the derech of the families/friends/rabbeim who were mekarev them.
And yes, there are exceptions to the rule...

However, gerim, get to pick and choose, one reason is simply that the ger's parents have no established minhag, do we know if Avraham Aveinu and Sarah Imeinu stood or sat for kiddish on shabbos day? How about sleeping in the sukkah?

Once I get married I"Y"H I don't have to worry about it...but wait a second, don't I want to get married to someone who has my same hashkafa? So actually, the decision is mine...to some extent...

I am happy with my seminary B"H it is the nicest thing that happened to me since my journey started, but in my seminary we are not thought minhagim, it is a regular seminary, girls come from different backgrounds, they all went to yeshiva high schools growing up, and most of them have already established minhagim, we learn halacha lemaaseh, we learn a couple of seforim, we learn hashkafa and mussar.

My learning includes a daily Tanya, and various mp3 shiurim, a weekly JNET
chavrusa...and college and some necessary sleep.

Maybe I worry about minhagim because, as part of my curiosity about yidishkeit, I learned with
chassidim?:
I must say, that I do admire and secretly envy Chassidim. I learned/lived for about a year in Crown Heights, there wasn't a question about how are things done, there aren't halachik debates about gebrochts on pesach or not, the question is not even asked, because, simply, there are no gebrochts on Pesach, period. Nothing to do with chumras, or with what your last frum parent did, you are a chossid, therefore no gebrochts.

I am just trying to be a simple Bas Yisroel, I want to serve HaShem better, I want to work on my middos, I want to refine my character, and I want Moshiach to come, now.

I want to be as careful about the level of filtration of the water I drink as I am with hearing/saying lashon hara, I want to be careful with hechsherim as much as I want to be with the chevra I associate myself with...

There, my thoughts, still in the making...

Seminary!!

2008-01-28T14:10:00.000-08:00

Yay! I am back in seminary for another semester of debates, arguments, challenging discussions with my rabbeim and my friends, this is my last semester in seminary, I realise that I am not going to be cocooned with my rabbeim and rebbetzens anymore, I am not going to be able to come to rabbi G in the morning shiur to tell him about what I thought about in my train ride back home, nor ask my regular "What is the right way to answer such and such question that a non religious person asked?" to Mrs H...

At the end of the semester I should be able to have my own answers, I have to remember all what I learned and use it for my battle to be Bas Melech and of course, to bring Moshiach faster...I wish seminary never ended.

I had a great, restful vacation, I did nothing special: I slept, played violin, learned chassidus, baked challah, baby sat Mendy and Eli, helped someone with math regents, went to a lechaim, a chassuna and 2 levayas ( sounds like a good title of a bestseller) helped with kinnus preparations, and made plans for pesach (hint: Parlez vous Francais?)

I also realised how my ignorance of yiddish is keeping me away from many things that I want to lean, thank G-d there are translations, but my experience taught me how crooked and far the translation could be from the actual text, here in BP I am under the impression that even cats speak yiddish...Miaaaaaoy' vey!!

Seeing is believing...

2008-01-07T21:07:00.000-08:00

Picture courtesy of reviewscentral.com

It was a Thursday, I am sure it was a Thursday, I don't know why I remember the day detail, a Thursday in 2001, October maybe? Sometime after the school year started.

I was in high school, I was a good student, and I loved mathematics, I didn't mind other subjects, but I took studying way too seriously not to be emotional about it, now B"H I try my best to channel those emotions to the holy subjects I learn in morning seminary, to Torah and Avodas HaShem.

Here I am telling you something from the past.

I was in class, math class, I should explain to you that when I say math, I mean any mathematical subject besides geometry, that is the vocabulary used in the high school I went to.

So let's get back to subject, I was in math class.

I sat, taking notes, trying to understand Mrs Tafta, the math professor, she was one of my favorites, all math professors were my favorites.

She was trying to explain...infinity.

Everyone was taking notes, listening, or actually hearing.

I took studying too seriously, so I was serious about understanding this class too.

Mrs Tafta started drawing the graph of the y line in y=1/x, and as I see the lines spreading apart, I got upset, and then angry, and then insulted...then I couldn't hold my tears.

I stopped taking notes, Mrs Tafta didn't notice, I always sat in the back of the classroom, I understood the theory, I understood that the lines she draw would never ever touch the x=0 and y=0 lines.... but I wasn't detached, and I couldn't just take the notes, go home, study and wake up the next day as if nothing happened.

After the class I run to Mrs Tafta crying, she couldn't understand my confusion, I had a 100 on the previous test, why would this be so different, what is she worried about she probably wondered.

I understood, I told her, but I wish I have never learned this, now I have to stop and rethink my value system, the one that didn't have any space for any possibilities other than the ones proven, and infinity wasn't one of them...until now.

I was upset because I couldn't pretend to be arrogant anymore, now the equation is there, and the y line that Mrs Tafta draw, will never get any closer to the horizontal x line.

And that was my first glimpse at infinity, at G-d.

Two lines and exactly two curves, that is all it took to make me realise how stupid I was to ignore that there is something beyond my understanding. To pretend that I knew, when internally I didn't know, but pretending was easier than admitting my humility.

A math lesson, an equation: y=1/x, a blackboard (which was actually green) and Mrs Tafta, the math teacher is what it took to give me purpose, once again.

Picture courtesy of YorkU.

The elderly.

2008-01-03T18:36:00.000-08:00

I have been taking care of Bubby G for a few months already, I am not sure of she knows who I am, every time she sees me when I come back home, it is almost the same routine:
"Shulum Aleichem" she says.
"Aleichem Shulum, how are you?" I answer.
"It is a good day" She looks at me smiling.

I actually enjoy caring for bubby G. she is a skinny petite lady, she is actually very lady-like, she doesn't like being dressed in a robe; A skirt, a tucked in collar shirt with a vest is the rule, a real Bais Yaakov girl.

But this is not exactly what I wanted to talk about, bubby G. went to the hospital yesterday, B"H, after hours in the ER room spent waiting for blood test results, Xrays, hart monitoring, the nurse announced that the chest pain she had two days in a row had nothing to do with her heart. She had to be admitted to stay overnight to be monitored, and, of course, I wanted to spend the night by her side-the reason is a topic for a whole other discussion about patient mistreatment and medical errors-

So here I was, in the 7th floor in Maimonides, it was around 2 am and I was beyond exhausted, I realised that I haven't had anything besides 2 cups of coffee, a rice cake and an orange, and about 14 hours of constant standing.

There were two beds in the room, one for bubby G who was already in deep sleep, and on for an Italian lady, I met her daughter earlier in the day and she warned me that her mother had dementia. I looked at the chair by bubby G's bed that would b my bed for the night.

I sat on the chair, covered myself with my coat, closed my eyes, all I wished for is a bed, any bed, actually, anything I could just lay on instead of sitting, I haven't slept for more than 4 hours in the past two days, I was beyond exhausted..and as I started convincing myself to sleep I heard a "Pssssst...pssssst!"

I looked at bubby G.'s roommate, her frail body was attached to all sorts of machinery, she breathed with difficulty she told me earlier during the day, and she told me also that, the reason she is in the hospital is because it was too cold outside, so when she walked in here, they trapped her....she had dementia.

Did you need anything?"I asked her whispering.
"No darling, but you need to rest" she moved to the side of her bed, and she pointed at the empty side "Here, I cleared this for you, why don't you lay down and get some sleep, I know what it is like to watch over a sick relative"

I was speechless, there she was, an old Italian lady, who could barley move, cleared the side of her bed, with difficulty, to let a stranger, sleep on it. Did she read my mind?

Rabbi Greenberg from the NY NCSY told us the story of Rabbi Weinberg z'tl: Rabbi Weinberg's mother was in coma for several months, she was in a hospital in NY, Rabbi Weinberg used to go from Baltimore to NY back and forth early every erev shabbos to visit his mother in the hospital and wish her good shabbos, the doctors sometimes remind him that he should consider getting her "off the machines" and get over with it, after all, even she could survive on her own, she'd be like dead.

Rabbi Weinberg of course didn't listen, and continued his erev shabbos visit.

One erev shabbos, after Rabbi Weinberg greeted his mother, she opened her eyes, and answered "Good shabbos".

Rabbi Weinberg said that all the trips he made throughout the months to/from Baltimore, all the hospital expenses, were worth that moment when his mother said "Goods Shabbos".

When I heard the story it made a great effect on me, I felt that I lived it with the Italian old lady.

I didn't accept the offer of the Italian old lady. but she made me feel so happy, so relieved, so inspired that all the stress and trouble, all the disappointment I have been through dissipated in a moment, I thanked HaShem for letting me live these moments, of having the privilege to be the receiver of the chessed of this Italian old lady.

I stood and walked toward her, held her hand and looked into her livid eyes and thanked her for caring, she said she knows what it is like to be exhausted, she took care of her sick mother for a few years before she passed away, "Now it is my turn...what can I do?..." she said.

I smiled to her, told her she should close her yes and sleep, and that I'd be here all night if she needed anything, then I sat back in my chair, and closed my eyes.

Music and me

2007-12-15T23:32:00.001-08:00

When I was very little I used to think that musicians are different than other people, in this world there are musicians and, well, the rest.
Are musicians more sensitive to spirituality? Does a musician need to be more in tune with his inner self in order to be able to express it or to reflect it in the music he plays/composes? How could an organised set of notes and vibrations touch such deep parts of us?
I still don't understand quite well how the mechanism of music works,
Music still have a very deep effect on me, music still makes feel me happy, sad, makes me cry, and sometimes I even have an urge to daven after listening to a certain song!
Astor Piazzolla(1921-92) the virtuoso tango composer and bandoneon player is among my favorite artists, this is a video of a group performing one of his most popular compositions.

What led you to....?

2007-12-10T23:47:00.000-08:00

(Picture courtesy of chabad.org)

Often people ask me, actually all the time and every time: What led you to...?
The question doesn't bother me, but if I had to answer it properly I should probably brush up my writing skill and start the draft of a book.

I think that people expect a one word answer, a short story about how the "revelation" happened, or a shocking moment, a meeting, or maybe a dream?

Gerim are in someways like Baalei Teshuva, I am sure there are "The Moment" stories out there, but there are those who spend part of their life in a restless search for...something they can't even define, a meaning? a truth?
It is a quest, restlessness, confusion and search for a truth that might never be found.

And then Hashgocha pratis comes in the picture...or maybe the time becomes suitable so we can see it.

I personally felt as if I lost a precious gem for such a long time, so long that I forgot how it looks like.

One day I saw someone holding it, and I wanted it, at first I was shy, I wasn't sure if it was mine, I wasn't sure I had the "right" to it, I thought I should maybe forget about it, but I couldn't rest, I wanted it, I couldn't forget about it until it became once again mine, my own...my yidishkeit.

Someone who is born a yid never looses the gem, but might just loose "sight" of it.

I still don't know how come I thought I had the precious gem once before, I am not knowledgeable about gilgulim, but one of the stories that I heard from one of my rabbeim is that Gerim come from those individuals whose nations didn't want Torah, but they themselves wanted it.
HaSHem rewarded these people by letting them become gerim.

In any case, Baruch HaShem.

A freilechen chanuka, may you all be able to "take the light with you" throughout the rest of the year.

Baruch Dayan HaEmet :Rabbi Nissen Pinson, obm

2007-12-03T21:06:00.001-08:00

Rabbi Pinson, 89, was nifter today (Monday night) in Nice, may his neshomo rest in peace.

He was the Shaliach of the Rebbe in my hometown, Tunis (Tunisia), since 1960.

Hamokom Yenachem eschem Besoch Shaar Avaylay Tzion VeYerushalayim!!!

May we all merit the revelation of Moshiach B'mehera B' Yameinu.

Read more here : here (COL.org.il)

My cell phone plan, voicemail and I: Toughts

2007-12-03T09:36:00.000-08:00

I laughed when I read this post at Mottel's Letters of Thoughts's , I run to show it to my roommate, who laughed too:

My roomy and I argue a lot about this, as soon as I walk inside the house, she tells me that she called to tell me that we need a light bulb, soap, or food...but I never called her back to find out!!

Her argument is that I should call back if I see her missed call, my argument is: with/900 minutes on my plan, I can't call back each missed call until 7 pm when my free minutes start, if you don't leave a voicemail, I assume it is not an urgent matter.

However, I get so annoyed when a certain person calls...5 times, and leave a message each and every time they call!

Again, I only have 900 minutes to spear in 30 days, take of shabbos and free Sundays, it is about 37 min/day, add the mom factor, (my dear mom calls about 2 hours/week from the other side of the planet, she doesn't want to know about skype/intrnet)...That is 95 minutes per week for friends, teachers, employers, co-workers, shadachanim, rabbeim, and miscellaneous voicemails!

Too much to hear, too few minutes...

A gut yom tov, a gut yahr

2007-11-29T11:18:00.000-08:00

I can't help but feel so bentched to have been given the opportunity to come across Chassidus is my search for meaning a few years ago.
I will bli neder resume writing.

Yontif with bubby G in Maimonides

2007-10-07T20:31:00.000-07:00

I was in the ER erev yontif with bubby G for about 4 hours, her 84 y.o body was perforated with needles, her hip was broken, that we knew, but the doctors were trying to find out why her blood count is half what it should be, she had kidney failure a few hours earlier, and while in the hatzola car, she kept singing the Beis Yaakov hymn despite all the pain and the confusion
In the ER, a sea of beds, nurses and doctors were running from an end to the other, I held Gitty's hand desperately trying to comfort her while waiting for the results of the blood test, peopel in for chest pain that turned to be a prelude for a heart failure, a 40 y.o man who hit himself on the knee, a fellow Lubavicher holding a Lulav was walking his way through the craziness of the ER, unfortunately there were many Yiddens in the hospital, but the stress of having to deal with a medical staff who just can't understand why I can't buzz the door is inexistant in Maimonides, there was a flyer on the walls explaining to employees basics about Jewish patients/visitors on shabbos and yontif, it was sad, but comforting.
Bubby G, 84, went through hip surgery on shabbos and B"H is recovering wonderfully, she still calls me Elke or Sari, both nifter, or sometimes asks me whether her husband, also nifter, is still in shul, but what keeps her bubby G and no one else, she always asks me whether I ate, and asks me to help myself with food from the kitchen, the empty kitchen...with a smile.

It is assur midirabbanan

2007-09-16T17:30:00.000-07:00

to invite a non Jew for a yomtov meal, the reason that the Gemara states is that a Jew is not allowed to cook for a goy on yomtov, the exceptions are when the goy is not an important person, a house-aid or a cleaning lady can be invited on the assumption that one is not going to be embarrased if there isn't enough food.
I realised that in an environment where Jews and non Jews interact, due to certain events that happened on yomtov, I thought I'd mention this again in my almost hibernating blog!

Gmar Chasima Tova

Personal note

2007-08-27T23:34:00.000-07:00

Please bare this hiding with me...School is starting...again!, I am moving for the umptieth time, I just finished taking a 3 days exam, the very first exam that one should take if planning to become an actuary. And of course I am starting work again in the math department as a tutor, found the chavrusa I was dreaming of to learn the samech vov with.
More updates, with a decent post about my discussion with Rav H. about "Sparks of G-dliness within- How G-dly, how human..."
Best