Writing

Motivation to write

2009-10-01T05:30:00.001-07:00

Since my last post, I experienced some personal growth that was quite significant. In a nutshell, it was about facing the fear of my own mortality. Since that time, the fear of death has been draining away from me, leaving many good things in its wake. With respect to writing, there has been a even greater unleashing of creativity. In my personal aesthetics, I find myself far more sensitive to all the arts -- music speaks to me like a language now, and when I am moved by literature or cinema I cry almost immediately. That was a rare occurrence before. But this fear also provided me with a sense of urgency in writing, so that I found myself floundering a bit -- the usual reason for me to sit down and write every day was gone, and I didn't find I could rely on that to make me go to the computer before my work day started. I had written for over 35 years because I wanted something to survive me. Now, I wasn't writing for that reason, and I was at sea. I actually thought for a while that I would stop being a writer, even though it seems unlikely since I've been writing every day since I was twelve, but that's how deep the whole thing ran. So some days I wrote my next books or articles out of routine, sometimes I just didn't write. Of course I blogged and emailed as usual, and on the days I did write I drafted my novel and a new publication.

So for a few days, I didn't write. And I was throwing myself about the house, wondering what to do with myself and moaning about it. Oh, it was ridiculous all right, but I was sincere. Did my life have meaning if I didn't write? Yes, it did. Did I have to write? No. On what basis should I decide to write? Pleasure, said my close friends and my spouse. Since when do I live my life for the pleasures? As the Blues Brothers said, I was on a mission from God. By which I mean that I always had to have a goal, a point, and that point was to contribute to the common good. I was so tetchy by Tuesday evening that yesterday, my biggest teaching day, I actually made time to write before going to school, and then worked on an article between classes.

And then I found my motivation again. I am much happier when I am writing. If I write my page of fiction and my page of political science a day, I am satisfied. I feel fulfilled, I guess. Writing about this may be self-absorbed, of course, but writers are nothing if not self-absorbed.

Short Stories, Mundanities of the Writer's Life

2009-07-11T05:17:00.000-07:00

I had resisted reading short stories since school. For some reason, I couldn't fathom that a few pages would be enough to make an interesting piece of fiction to read, and I always skipped the one included in The New Yorker issues. But then I decided to read Alice Munro in her entirety, and I finally got it. They are interesting pieces to read, and I've since read Stefan Zweig's short stories.

So what does this have to do with writing? It has strangely liberated me from worrying about the length of my novel. If it's short, it's short. Funny how that happened.

Something else happened, this time while reading Zweig's journals, especially the early ones before World War I. He describes his days as he was writing various books that I have now read. Well, didn't he just describe really mundane things like bill-paying and correspondence, as well as keen moments like when he read poetry or had a good conversation with a fellow artist. That got me over my latest bout of writer's block, which only lasted three weeks and didn't affect email or blogs, just essay-length stuff. I mean, my life is also full of these calm, unstressed periods where the biggest deal is having a good talk or creative session, and the rest is just dealing with mundane matters, essential to just living, but not interesting in themselves. I was shocked. I was therefore on track, and not fading away as a writer, thinking I would never write again (I think this every writer's block, but it's never true and remembering that I think this every time makes no difference....I finished the book and got my diary out and started writing again. What do you know?

Book Review: Christopher Browning

2009-06-09T06:11:00.000-07:00

Christopher S. Browning, Constructivism, Narrative and Foreign Policy Analysis / A Case Study of Finland, paru chez Peter Lang, 2009.

Le volume de C.S. Browning examine la politique étrangère de la Finlande de 1809 jusqu’à nos jours, sous l’angle du constructivisme et de l’analyse historique. Son point de vue se fonde sur deux approches combinées. La première de celles-ci est l’approche constructivistes des relations internationales. La seconde est une historique de l’identité nationale finlandaise, des champs d’action qui en découlent, et de la politique étrangère comme cas particulier de ces champs d’action. L’auteur démontre la validité de son approche novatrice en rapportant dans leur ensemble les narrations d’épisodes nationaux en parallèle avec les orientations connues de la politique étrangère finlandaise.
L’identité nationale n’est pas unitaire mais pluraliste, et ses différentes composantes, comme d’ailleurs les différentes historiques nationales, se recoupent autant qu’elles se font concours. En soulignant le dynamisme implicite dans tout ceci, l’auteur remet en question l’approche plus connue du matérialisme rationaliste. Il remet aussi en question les interprétations actuelles de l’histoire finlandaise qui suggèrent que dans son ensemble la société s’est éloigné de l’Orient et donc de l’influence russe pour se rapprocher de plus en plus de l’Occident. En effet, selon la présente analyse, ce sont les périodes du grand duché et de la guerre froide qui marquent l’ascendant oriental, et les périodes de l’entre-deux-guerres et de la décennie des années 1990 qui marquent l’ascendant occidental. M. Browning consacre un chapitre à chaque période, quoique son analyse relève plus du cliché ponctuel que d’un cinéma plus continu, comme il le reconnaît lui-même. Le présent volume accorde donc une importance supérieure aux multiplicités et aux contingences, puisqu’il considère l’établissement de la politique étrangère comme étant un processus hautement politisé. Qui plus est, Browning suggère que ce processus affecte l’exercice du pouvoir, et plus particulièrement le pouvoir de définir subjectivement la réalité.
Le développement théorique est donc de toute première importance. Il exige une lecture attentive, voire ardue, puisqu’il comporte beaucoup de nuances. L’hypothèse de fond est que l’expérience vécue et les réalités sociales sont autant de questions d’historique, et ce, dans leur nature même. La façon de représenter l’expérience et l’histoire collective est le fondement de tout ce qui est politique. Au milieu d’un monde complexe où les citoyens sont bombardés plus que jamais par des renseignements disparates qui rendent une vue d’ensemble difficile, le contrôle individuel et collectif ne peut faire autrement que de s’exercer par le biais de cette historique commune – elle est essentielle à tout sens d’appartenance. Ainsi, la politique étrangère s’établit par un processus selon lequel la société est en continuelle reconstitution, tant à travers ses interactions avec d’autres et l’établissement de frontières sur les groupes d’appartenance. La faille dans ce savant argument est l’existence croissante de multiplicités, tant au niveau des différentes identités à l’intérieur d’un seul état, qui pourraient être distinctes sans être moins d’appartenance nationale pour autant. Il est aussi possible que les individus ou les groupes relevant de ces différentes identités ne jouissent pas de pouvoir politique égal, ou encore pas en proportion à leur nombre ou à leur intégration. Un américain de souche italienne de pleine citoyenneté aura-t-il la même place qu’un turc de deuxième ou troisième génération en Allemagne, alors qu’il ne jouit toujours pas d’une citoyenneté? Comment la théorie proposée peut-elle s’accommoder de ces réalités très répandues dans les puissances moyennes? N’y aurait-il pas lieu de centrer l’argument sur la citoyenneté plutôt que le flou de l’identité nationale?
Le livre de Browning offre une contribution à deux niveaux, celui de la littérature sur les puissances moyennes et celui de la politique étrangère. La situation de la Finlande est d’autant plus intéressante pour les chercheurs canadiens qu’il s’agit d’un état dont l’identité s’est établie assez tard, si on la compare aux autres pays d’Europe occidentale. La situation finlandaise offre une perspective intéressante qui devrait dépasser par ses applications l’expertise des spécialistes soit de la Scandinavie, des républiques baltes ou de la Finlande. Elle devrait aussi intéresser tout chercheur qui se penche sur l’analyse de la politique étrangère ou les questions des politiques européennes en général. Browning fait preuve d’une certaine habileté au niveau du développement théorique pour ce qui est des relations entre l’identité nationale et la politique étrangère, un développement qui s’applique à d’autres situations. Il est possible pour les puissances moyennes d’être intelligentes. Il s’agit d’une proposition détaillé, bien fondée et, si elle s’applique bien à la Finlande, il est possible d’imaginer qu’elle s’appliquerait aussi à d’autres puissances moyennes.

Professional Development in Teaching

2009-06-08T09:34:00.001-07:00

Professional development in teaching

So far I have:

• written two texts, Strategic Activism and Political Strategy and Tactics, which have been adopted elsewhere
• co-taught without pay with the professor responsible for Instructional Development, Ken Brown, for a term
• taught a workshop on teaching for graduate students at Lakehead University
• offered to repeat the workshop on teaching for graduate students at Lakehead University
• held noon-time discussions for professors who teach in a language other than their first
• taught a workshop on teaching at Durham Technical University to about 55 professors
• written an article on active pedagogy that is on the University of Saskatchewan Medical School’s active pedagogy website
• taught 18 different courses in four fields (out of five in political science)
• taught during my first sabbatical, at Rutgers
• taught workshops in a wide range of environments in order to hone my skills ( provincial correctional centre, closed-custody center for young offenders, refugee leaders, providers of refugee services, general council of a congregation, general staff in South Korea, China, Japan)
• wrote a paper on the inclusion of students in curriculum review
• read in the area of active pedagogy, curriculum review, effective explanations, meta-cognition, analogical reasoning
• held discussions with experts in various fields that might affect how students react in the classroom, e.g. specialists in video- and computer-gaming, or analogical inference
• conducted a program of interdisciplinary structured reading (see paquettereading.blogspot.com)
• researched the structure of curriculum in programs of political science
• researched the rotation of courses offered by the department
• moved from lecturing to hands-on learning and then meta-cognitive assignments
• introduced research workshops in collaboration with the university library
• developed meta-cognitive assignments for research workshops
• started bringing in guest speakers such as Superior Court justices with experience in international law
• started using Web-CT
• started using live-streaming video from such sources as the United Nations
• started using political films as the basis for introducing students to meta-cognitive assignments

Since 2003, when the teaching evaluation questions changed and I introduced meta-cognitive assignments, I have:

• written a 55 page document on these assignments, which has been adopted elsewhere
• introduced earned praise and private suggestions as feedback to students
• changed the deadlines of assignments to increase the structure
• changed the late policy as a result of the deadline structure
• taped and posted lectures on Web-CT
• added an analytical exercise for the meta-cognitive assignments
• added workshops on the meta-cognitive shortly before each deadline
• reduced the number of assignments
• added special office hours in advance of the deadlines
• revised the outlines repeatedly, including a major overhaul in 2008
• proposed papers for the university teaching seminars, although none have been accepted yet
• prepared for classes by extensive reading in news and current events
• developed and introduced Wiki-based assignments

None of these changes has affected the lower than average scores on the student evaluations (which also have changed at about the same time). In addition, the changes made last year did not all result in improvements, which shows at leas that a certain level of maturity has been reached. What I proposed to try next:

• add a summing up exercise so students are more aware of what they have learned, either using the learning diary or the Wiki assignment
• consider whether the meta-cognitive assignments ought to be bonus-earning rather than required
• review the outlines again with respect to clarity of language, grading criteria, instructor self-evaluation, and learner outcomes
• introduce work on meta-cognition immediately after the experiential learning occurs
• revise the 55 page document on the assignments to give examples that are closer to subject matter students propose

I propose to write papers on active pedagogy and multimedia and post-secondary teaching as time permits. They already exist in outline

One of the questions I now am exploring is whether the questions of the student evaluation are simply not comprehensive enough for my teaching methods (or, indeed, anyone who uses pedagogy different from the mainstream one). For example, for meta-cognitive pedagogy, Timpson proposes in Metateaching and the Instructional Map. All of them are to be graded from 1 (low) to 5 (high): teacher knowledge, teacher enthusiasm/ energy, teacher preparation/ organization, teacher clarity, student engagement, content/activity meaningfulness, positive learning climate, feedback to students. To these, I would add: applicability of learning to other situations, learning compared to other courses.

Meta-cognition is a feature of some of my pedagogical activities outside teaching at LU, and it is certainly true that meta-cognition is difficult for anyone, let alone successful individuals. In the words of one of my military collaborators, “You have to start by finding generals who are smart enough to understand what you are doing.”

Creativity and Others

2009-05-28T06:30:00.000-07:00

I was experiencing some stress in areas of my life unrelated to my writing, and I had a chance under that bell jar to examine my own creativity more. Because of the stress I was unable to concentrate enough to write -- I'd get my work out and dry up after a single page, which almost never happens -- and even unable to read. Fortunately this is now unusual. I felt this intense urge to express, and yet it wasn't relieved by my talking with my closest friends. I actually spent the day doing that, and it didn't relieve the pressure. I tried doing bead work, made several pieces, but I was still pressed. Finally I went to work out to see if I could relax and come down, at 9 pm which is past my usual bedtime! I was better, but the need to express was still very strong. The next morning I got out my paints and a canvas -- I haven't touched this stuff in at least seven years. But the moment the brush, loaded with paint, touched the canvas, I was relieved of that pressure. It was amazing. And it was sooooooooothing.

So I discovered that my creativity is at least in part a strong desire to express myself, and that expressing myself to other people is very important. I have known for some time that teaching, say, or talking to others releases that pressure, and so I can not write nearly as much during the times that I am teaching. Over time, my ability to write has become better and I can now sometimes write while I am teaching, and also different types of writing are more demanding that others. I can always blog, it would appear, no matter how stressed I've become.

So I suppose that if the urge to interact with other people actually springs for human nature's sexuality, then there is a link between sexuality and creativity. I can hear all the Freudians laughing at the obviousness of the last remark, but, really, this is what I just figured out.

Scholarship and Creative Writing

2009-04-09T07:01:00.000-07:00

In conversation with a friend, she read me a quote from Martha Graham about talent, and I read her a quote by Schopenhauer -- where talent is like an archer hitting a target that is much further than others, but genius is like an archer hitting a target that no one can see yet. I was talking about the fact that some of my writing, done for professional reasons, caught on with a comparatively small number of people, and she asked me if my work was ahead of its time. I said that was possible, and that there was no way to check that, and then we discussed Kierkegaard and his anonymity until the 1950s. I then said that the play I wrote that we are both working on getting produced was not ahead of its time at all, and she agreed. It then occurred to me for the first time that I might be a better scholar than I am a writer. Hm mm....It had never occurred to me. On the other hand, who knows what direction my writing will take me.

Pig-Headedness on the Novel Side, OK on the Rest

2009-03-07T05:17:00.000-08:00

Well, I'm back to my novel, for however long it lasts. I sat down this week, realizing with pleasure that my personal healing from fear of rejection now allows me to be that much more faithful to the work of art inside my head. However, this meant that on page 11 of Mim, I had to go in a different direction than the other 175 pages I had already written, and I rebelled at trashing that much work. Now I recognize I may be learning to write a novel, as I once learned to write an essay, but I became completely stymied and have not written for three days. Part of me refuses to set that work aside. Well, it cost me a lot to get to the point that I could write what I did -- that draft dates from last summer -- so I suppose I must honor that.

I submitted my thirteenth non-fiction book to the editor this week, drafted to the point where only a few rewrites are needed a paper I'm giving in May, typed up and discussed with two artists a draft of a play, handed a play to be proof read to a playwright friend, discussed my fourteenth non-fiction book with a publisher, who gave me a verbal go ahead, and had a great idea for my fifteenth non-fiction book, which I could get to rewriting stage in about two weeks, I think. One of the artists asked me if I was writing right now, and I realized when she asked that I'm always writing, that I do a different kind of writing when I'm on the week-ends, as opposed to not writing at all. A couple of weeks ago, I had totaled what I wrote last year, and I didn't think it was that impressive. So I guess I gave myself a kick in the butt.

Surowieck, Dutton

2009-02-24T05:19:00.000-08:00

I read Wisdom of Crowds, which discusses how groups sometimes get better answers to problems than individuals, and Art Instinct, which discusses, I think, the way in which the senses and the physicality lead to art.

Writing myself out

2009-02-23T05:13:00.000-08:00

The last time I traveled and wrote my diary until I had nothing left to say was during a sabbatical spent in the New York area, and the Saturdays I invariably spent walking up and down Manhattan, stopping in coffee shops and writing until I had nothing left to say. Over and over and over again. Well, during my recent visit to Washington, I decided not to turn on the TV set and just wrote until I had nothing left to say in the evenings. I never got there, since I was there to research in a library, but it reminded me that I needed to do that. Not just write plays and articles and books. My biggest breakthroughs have occurred because of that sabbatical exercise, which is something like a retreat since I was outside my usual environment with no one I knew to talk to...This writing myself out is going to be a greater priority from now on.

I should mention I wrote the words of a piece of performance art, and revised a play and a book, as well as thinking over how I could tweak my work habits to be more productive. I suppose that would be almost impossible.

I also read lately that John Updike wrote 5 new pages a day, which is more or less what I did for many years, before I started writing fiction. I do that now, I always exceed my one-one quota. And I also read that Ian McEwan considers writing a self-pleasuring act. I agree with him, that has been my experience. However, apart from him, I've only ever read about people for whom writing is the most difficult thing in the world. I felt quite alone for a time, and of course writing was not always as easy as it is now.

Writing energy to spare

2009-02-11T07:11:00.000-08:00

I just wanted to note that I have been following my regimen of writing a page a day, or editing two pages a day in creative writing, and the same in my professional writing. Well, this morning, after rewriting eight pages a day, I found I had extra writing energy. I've emailed some friends, proofed a friend's play, and posted the latest on my reading. But still I have energy to write. I don't remember ever feeling this way. I'll see where this leads me.

High culture and creativity

2009-01-18T06:16:00.000-08:00

Two performance artists came to lunch, and I asked them a lot of questions about their creative process and how they work together, as well as how they work independently from each other. I was immensely impressed with the intensity of their creative process. I asked about what fueled their creative processes. One of the performance artists is a musician in a band, and she cited a number of bands that she listed to, only one of which I had ever heard of before. This got me thinking about the way I fuel my process, which is with a lot of what you might call high culture. Classics of literature, classical visual art, classical music. I had said this once to someone, several years ago, and she had said this was elitist. Certain the consumption of high culture is a class marker, I recognize that. On the other hand, my pleasure in the late Victorian, Edwardian art, literature, music, painting, furniture, history is a genuine taste. I also think that reading or listening to material that has stood the test of time educates the taste. It should be: "You must be like this to be good." The message is "This is what time has told us was good then." There are of course fashions and fads in culture as well.

I also thought about the role of performance art within culture, which is to broaden the experience and the boundaries of what we call art, primarily by shocking. However, we live in a period where what is shocking is now the preserve of the humorists. So what is left? I think the truth is shocking. The truth that we say one thing and do another. The truth that the oppressed have a better understanding of life. The truth that fame usually comes to unhappy lives, not happy ones. Other truths about creativity and materialism, about hope and despair.

I attended another rehearsal of a musical, and I realized that it was going to be a really enjoyable, fun show. I also realized how much the performers' sense of humor came into play and can improve a comedy. I was reassured by this. The whole success does not rest solely on the playwright's shoulders.

Cold Reads and Rehearsals

2009-01-12T04:46:00.000-08:00

I suppose any time someone else reads your work, it's bound to create a certain amount of drive and inspiration, but I just had a cold read for the first time since I've been writing plays these last few years. It was a revelation. Certainly, there was a rush at hearing my words spoken for the first time. But very quickly I became focused on all the things I wanted to fix. The transition between scenes, for one thing, are too much like television. The play was much, much too long. I had read in a book that I should count a minute a page, but it's actually between 1.5 and 2 minutes a page, and doesn't that make a difference. The play being read, The Pharisees, had some universality to it, but also some grandstanding on my part. The grandstanding isn't funny, so it's a candidate for the cut. The actors got the characters really quickly. But the actors laughed during the reading, laughed several times in each act. They all said it was good as soon as we were done. The reading of the lines was very close to my intention, generally speaking, which was a surprise, so it's written fairly tightly. I learned a great deal about pacing -- parts of the play dragged, others didn't. I also discovered I had a certain amount of judgment about this situation. I found that in some scenes, the actors could get into a rhythm, and then I saw why comedy has to be precise: to work, it has to be like a pinball machine. I have great admiration for the actors' gifts, and their generosity with their time. Let me thank here, publicly, Karen Maki, Glen Graham, and Paul Gosse.

And now, the hatchet has to come out and I've got to cut and rewrite.

I have also attended the first read-through and the rehearsal for a musical being produced locally. The casting is particularly good, and I'm looking forward to watching the performances develop. It's a large cast and I'm learning a lot about the range of people and actors -- I tend to see the characters in my head when I write and I now have a greater range to choose from. I take it from the casting that the auditions must have shown the director how good they could be, and it's interesting to see people working from the start.

I also got a reply from the reader service offered by the francophone association, and I'll be mailing out my French-language play today, along with a cheque. I'll be getting more and more feedback, that will be great. It's nerve-racking, but hugely helpful.

Why plays, why novels

2008-11-24T06:47:00.001-08:00

In the last month, I've had the experience of starting a new play, revising the first draft of a novel, and conceiving performance art. I have spent quite a lot of time thinking over why it was I wrote about 40 pages of dialogue while revising my novel was like pulling teeth. So here are some of the reasons I came up with.

First, I'm very strategic and spare in my writing, and I think this makes writing plays easier and writing novels harder, at least at this point.

Second, I have always found it easier to write if I can picture the audience right in front of me. That is easier for me to do with a play.

Third, I've read a lot of novels, and I find the task of choosing what to put in and what to leave out excruciating, unless I'm in the zone and can feel the power of the creativity drive me. But I'm not often in the zone at this point. So writing plays avoids this problem.

All this being said, I can't say I find writing difficult. At this point in my life, the decision to write consists of forcing me to sit down at the computer and sticking with it until I write. I feel quite fortunate.

Writing Another Play

2008-11-09T12:42:00.000-08:00

Well, I started a new play two weeks ago, called Italian Enough for You? This is a homage to my late mother-in-law and to all the many Italians I know and admire. It's a comedy about, yeah, this is gripping, three women in long-term care. Now that's going to be a blockbuster.

Anyway, it's going well, in the sense that I have my characters blocked out, and a plot, and 25 pages of dialogue, and three pages of ideas. There really is only one problem. I feel like I've gone from writing a strong one act play to a weak two-act play. I don't know what to do about that. Possibly I'll edit it back down to a single. Possibly it will fall flat on its face. I hope to finish off this year. seems to me I can't really miss. I am able to write at least a page a day, and last week I wrote seven pages on Monday. So my rate is respectable, although comedy is exacting and the wording and timing has to be perfect or it doesn't work.

For the sake of professional development, I went to see a couple of plays this fall, and I plan to see more. I suppose I find my capacity to write wittily is better than what I've seen in one case, and my capacity to plot is better in the other. All this from someone who has never had am Equity play produced, about playwrights who have. Well, delusion is free. I am sure of my talent, after all these years, although I don't think of myself as an artist. What I am not sure of is my commercial value. Right now it's zero, and I cannot judge if that will ever change.

One thing is sure: I understand my own process and I know what I need to write. I am still wonderfully easy to stimulate into writing, and that, right now, is my biggest creative advantage. I know I have to write early in the morning. I know I have to protect my inner atmosphere. I know I need to read and see plays and movies and listen to music and see art shows to foster my process. But then, that is all I know.

Oh, and I found I lied, my poem last week was not my first in many years. I had forgotten a poem written four or five years ago with a friend, in honor of a third friend. I was reminded of it by it being read at that friend's memorial service. What do you know?

My First Poem in Three Decades

2008-11-02T11:37:00.000-08:00

I had a cup of tea with a performance artist this week, and she mentioned a poetry event this evening at a local art gallery, Definitely Superior. I can't go, unfortunately, but as soon as she mentioned it I thought an idea for a poem popped into my head.

Now poetry isn't my form, I have to tell you. The last one I wrote was when I was maybe 19, with the French title Vivre est heureux, and it was semi-plagiarized in term of its ideas, I think. Not only that, but looking back it hardly can have been sincere, except in an aspirational way -- the title means 'just to live is to be happy.' Well, maybe it was a bit true for me then, but more so now.

So why a poem? I think it's that I am presently at so fecund a state in terms of writing that everything pretty much stimulates me. I've been coming up with play ideas just from my contact with theatre people lately. Anyway, I wrote it very quickly, with little editing, and created a new folder in my computer for it. What next, short stories?

Not to worry about thematics

2008-10-27T05:44:00.000-07:00

I started this blog on writing a year and a half ago, but I've never contributed to it. I have another blog, on reading, to which I usually contribute once a week, and a research blog, to which I contribute 2-3 times a year. I've often thought of this blog, but couldn't think of what I should write here. Now that I am more recovered from a year of personal travail (the death of the closest thing I had to a parental figure, and the death of a close friend), I do indeed have a few thoughts on writing and the writer's life.

I am, of course, an immensely privileged person for a writer. Being an academic, I have flexibility of time to pursue inspiration. I also find that the process of writing for academic reasons, for personal reasons and for creative reasons have converged in recent times. And I have at my disposal an endless source of material, our academic library.

So here is what I've come to realize in the last few days: I don't have to worry anymore about THEMES, because they are going to come by themselves from now on. I don't have to have a conscious effort in that regard.

Now what is this THEMES business all about? Well, about six years ago, I suffered a frustrating episode in my academic life, and as a result, I sat down and wrote my first play. (I had written two satirical reviews in the 1980s, but nothing creative since.) When I told my intellectual mentor, he said: "At last." Well, I was surprised.

I thought of myself as a author since the day ten years ago when, on impulse, I searched for my own name on Amazon.com and saw five books pop up. (I have since published several others.) "Oh, I said to myself, I must be an author." That was the moment I admitted it to myself. After that moment, I slowly came to notice that I had started writing after reading The Diary of Anne Frank, and realizing that a little girl could write. But after over a decade as a graduate student and then professor, I hadn't thought about writing about anything else but strategy.

And here was my revered mentor saying he'd been expecting it for some time. I asked him about that. "It couldn't lead to anything else but something creative, not with all the reading you've been doing." And then I said: "But all the great writers have themes, and I don't have one." "Don't worry about that, said he, it will come."

A couple of years later I realized that I did have a theme, and that it was writ large all over my academic and creative writing, as well as the journals which were the mainstay of my writing for fifteen years: redemption. Not redemption in the religious sense, but redemption in the sense of the possibility of healing, of coming alive again, of trauma leading to greater compassion. In my journals I was trying to redeem myself, with my essays on strategy I was trying to offer a path to redemption to other oppressed or downtrodden, and I could choose to write about redemption in novels and plays. Yaba-daba-doo.

I've since written three plays, and I've started two new ones last week. I've been having some creative surge...I've drafted a novel, and I'm working on a second draft. But I was consciously trying to involve redemption in some way. Well, last week I started working on a new play called Buggirl -- about a mythical desert island where captives are employed to shovel constantly the sand off the houses. I went to lunch with a friend of mine, Deb, and I told her about what I knew about it so far.

"It's a desert island constantly being overwhelmed with windblown sand. The inhabitants capture people and keep them in a sandpit, and they have to shovel off the sand. Buggirl is an entomologist who is captured. She wakes up in a sandpit, and finds there a man sleeping naked with a wet cloth over his face. She struggles to fight back somehow, and they have a sexual relationship."

"What's the meaning of the sexual relationship?"

"I don't know.

Anyway, she tries to escape, and he says it's impossible. And she tries, but fails, and is returned to the pit feverish. He nurses her. But then she rapes him."

"And what's the meaning of the rape?"

"I don't know."

Even though I only write four days a week, so that I can follow Larry McMurtry's advice and leave a little something in the tank, on Saturday morning I was lying on the couch writing the play. So I got up and wrote the outline of the plot on my template for a new play. And that is when I realized that this was about powerlessness. That my Buggirl has sex to feel she can decide on something, and sexually assaults her partner to feel she has some power left. The sense of powerlessness was so strong I felt nauseated.

From powerlessness there is some lesson about redemption I don't yet know about. And that is when I realized that I didn't have to make a conscious effort to bring in redemption to my writing, any of my writing. It's just there. What a relief. Now I can just worry about writing, and not about plotting. Although I am unsure I can plot as tightly as I should.

Play, The Miracle

2007-05-06T03:43:00.000-07:00

The Miracle

By Laure Paquette
Laure.Paquette@lakeheadu.ca
1-888-265-1922

May 2, 2005Rough Scenario

Working Title The Miracle

Action Adopted daughter resenting cousin, who is very close to adoptive mother; cousin refusing to meet daughter’s son, or even ask about him, look at pictures of him; dying mother/aunt trying to reconcile; mother understanding niece, then dying without achieving reconciliation, but binding them together with a deathbed promise; daughter searching for birth mother comes to understand cousin; cousin ceasing to feel guilt and shame reveals past tragedy of unwanted pregnancy/unwanted abortion; daughter’s almost ends tragically; cousins reconcile.

Form Melodrama. Secret life experiences create misunderstandings and anger, followed by reconciliation. Some humour to leaven.

Circumstances Hospital waiting room, hospital room, office in the 1990s in North America.

Subject Redemption and motherhood; small unselfish gestures bring hope in the worst circumstances; you can never tell what people might be going through, just from looking at them.

Characters (1) Lou: protagonist, forty-five-year-old social worker helping adoptions become open; also plays herself at age 17; mother Jo mentally ill; father John, brother of Nina, pride of family as self-made man, pedophile; mature and nurturing but emotionally trapped though slowly healed and liberated by acknowledging tragedy in her youth. A tiger to Jess’ rhinoceros.

(2) Jess: thirty-year-old daughter of Nina and Paul (deceased), biological daughter of Mariah, of mixed racial heritage, married to Jeb, one son, Stephanie, 2 years old. Impetuous, carefree, in some ways heedless of others’ feeling; matures into a more caring, less self-centered. The rhinoceros to Lou’s tiger.

Conflict When Lou sees Jess, she sees everything she would have been if Nina had saved her. Jess, meanwhile, fearing the solitude of the adopted only child soon to be orphaned, tries to force emotional intimacy with Lou and searches for her birth mother for all the wrong reasons. When Jess learns what Lou has gone through, she understands. Lou in the telling is freed of the guilt and shame.

Cast of Characters

Onstage

Lou forty-five-year-old social worker helping adoptions become open

Jess thirty-year-old stay-at-home mom and adult adoptee, of mixed racial heritage

For prologue

Lou as a 17-year-old

Doctor

Stage setting
Prologue doctor’s office, 1970’s

Act I waiting room outside intensive care of a contemporary hospital

Act II a contemporary office

Act III a contemporary hospital room

If prologue is used, a wall or curtain on stage must be used for projecting video. If prologue alternative is used, rooms need to look updated.
Prologue

(Can be pre-recorded and projected or played conventionally or played in silhouette. Lou is about 15. Lou is on a gynecological table, feet in stirrups. The doctor is performing a suction abortion. Sound effect: the crunching of the cervix being dilated.)

Lou
What’s that?

Doctor
What?

Lou
That sound, what’s that?

Doctor
Oh, I just dilated the cervix. (Doctor keeps working for a few moments. Loud suctioning sounds.)

Lou
No, no. Stop, please, please. I can’t stand the noise.

Doctor
(Looking up) What’s wrong?

Lou
I can’t go through with it, I can’t. I can’t stand the noise.

Doctor
But it’s too late, it’s much too late.

Lou
(falls back) Oh, no, oh no. (Doctor gets up and removes equipment from near Lou.) Where’s my baby going to go?

Doctor
What?

Lou
What are you going to do with my baby?

Doctor
Are you kidding? We don’t want any evidence lying around, do we? Why did you even come here, with your mother holding your hand, except for me to take care of your little problem?

Lou
He’s not going into that trash can, is he? Where’s he going to go? You aren’t going to put my baby out with the trash, are you?

Doctor
Jesus. Another psycho…(Exit as he snaps off his rubber gloves.)

Act I Nina

Scene 1

(In waiting room. Lou walks in from hospital corridor, and then so does Jess, but from ICU door.)

Jess
Don’t upset mother.

Lou
(Pause.) I’m fine, thank you. Nice of you to ask. And how are you? How is Jeb? How’s little Stevie?

Jess
Really, Lou, I mean it. I don’t want you to upset mother in any way.

Lou
Can I go in now?

Jess
It’s shift change, you’ll have to wait a few minutes. Don’t UPSET her!

Lou
What do you mean?

Jess
You know exactly what I mean, all that whispering the two of you do, and then you don’t discuss anything with me. And she’s always saying how sorry she is.

Lou
Look, Jess, I never bring it up, Nina does.

Jess
Well, I just don’t want her upset.

Lou
Jess, if Nina wants to talk about something, it’s not like it’s up to me…

Jess
Just you mind what I said…

Lou
Jess, I can’t very well not answer just because you said so. She’s just had another heart attack, and she could die…

Jess
Don’t even talk about that!

Lou
But…

Jess
I mean it!

Lou
It’s better for her in the long run if she just says what’s on her mind…IF she even feels bad about anything…

Jess
Right, like about you!

Lou
I know Nina has said it in front of you that she feels bad for me. Don’t you think it’s better for her if she just gets it off her chest? And anyway, since when has she been asking your permission or mine for what to talk about?

Jess
Just tell her everything is fine now and that she has nothing to worry about. Tell her she has no reason to feel bad.

Lou
Don’t you think I’ve said that a dozen times already?

Jess
All I’m asking is for you to keep quiet about whatever tragedies afflicted your poor, poor family.

Lou
Nice.

Jess
Well, what the hell was your problem? Your father loved children, your mother was beautiful and talented, you and your brother are both successful…

Lou
My father loved children, all right. Didn’t you ever even wonder about us?

Jess
No.

Lou
Wow. And you stayed with us quite a few times. You know, we’re both upset, this is hardly a good time to talk all this through. (Looks at the clock) I’m going in to see her, all this can wait…

Jess
Right, shift change should be over, I’ve got to get home and see Stevie.

Lou
Jeb picking you up?

Jess
Yeah. Ask Mom to show you the latest pictures. Stevie has really grown fast since you saw him. What’s it been, a year?

Lou
How is little Stevie doing?

Jess
Fat lot you care. As far as you’re concerned, it’s like we have the plague.

Lou
(sighs) Is Nina well enough to show me the pictures?

Jess
Only just, they’re watching her like a hawk, that’s really the only reason she’s in ICU.

Lou
Just go home and have dinner with your family. Are you coming back?

Jess
I don’t know.

Lou
Well, we’ll find a time to talk, all right, when we’re not so upset. OK?

Jess
OK. Well, I’m outta here. (Exit Jess. Lou goes to the ICU phone, dials, and exits).

Scene 2

(Lou is sitting alone in the ICU waiting room. Jess comes in.)

Jess
So how is she?

Lou
About the same. Maybe a little bit better. She was just dozing so I came out for a minute. It’s hard to tell.

Jess
Is she breathing any easier?

Lou
The nurse said they were able to turn down the oxygen a little bit, I suppose that’s a good sign. ( Jess sits down.) It’s very hard, you know, for everybody, but you, you must be worried all the time.

Jess
In a panic all the time is more like it. The doctors said she has a good chance of recovery if she doesn’t have another heart attack.

Lou
I suppose every second that goes by, she’s got a better chance.

Jess
It’s just that she was doing so much better than she ever has. Yesterday was the best day she’s had in the nursing home.

Lou
Except for the heart attack.

Jess
(Laughs) Except for the heart attack. God, why did this have to happen. (Pause, walks around the room) Do you remember the day she arrived at Weygarth?

Lou
(Smiles) That was so funny. There we both were, with files and suitcases and her favorite pillow. I worried the ambulance would get there before we did, and then Nina would have no one to help her check in.

Jess
I was afraid mom would have to wait in the entrance while we settled the money with the staff! Turns out the office was closing and they didn’t bother with the paperwork for a week!

Lou
I still wish one of us could have come with her in the ambulance.

Jess
I know. What a shock, when all of a sudden mom just rolled herself into the building in a wheelchair, remember that! No gurney, no attendant, no nothing!

Lou
I almost had a fit, when I saw that. I thought you were going to freak out.

Jess
I asked her: “Why isn’t anyone helping you?” And she replied: “Oh, stop fussing, I told them I’d check myself in.

Lou
(Laughing) The head of nursing said she had to be the first patient ever to check herself into one of their wards! Jess, there’s something we need to talk about.

Jess
Now what?

Lou
(Pause) Look, Jess, the doctors know it, Nina knows it, I know it: Nina needs to sign a DNR.

Jess
A DNR? What’s that?

Lou
A Do-Not-Ressuscitate Order, in case she has another heart attack.

Jess
But she’s not going to have one, right?

Lou
I hope not, but if she does, she could be left with very bad brain damage. None of us want her to die, but it’s better to be prepared, just in case. She needs to know from you that it’s OK.

Jess
I don’t even want to talk about this. And if I did, I’d want a second opinion.

Lou
It would be hard to find someone else.

Jess
Well, we’ll just have to try. I’ll speak to mother today.

Lou
Jess, take it easy. You need to be more realistic, hard as it is. The only reason Nina hasn’t signed is because she is waiting for you to be ready. You know how weak she is.

Jess
She’s a tough old bird, you know that. She’ll be OK. (Laughs) Last time she was in ICU, she was unconscious for eight days. And when she finally came around, and saw the two of us with long faces, she said: “I guess you’ll all have to wait until next time.”

Lou
(Laughs) That was funny. It’s just that this time it’s different. She’s four years older, she’s had a second heart attack, it’s just the right time to do this. Just tell her it’s OK, that’s all you need to do. You wouldn’t want to see her drooling, would you, unable to do anything for herself, maybe incontinent?

Jess
Of course not. But she’s all I have, she’s my mother.

Lou
I love her too, but…

Jess
I know what you’re going to say. You’re going to say that I have Stevie, that I have Jeb, that Nina is all you have left, since you haven’t spoken to your father or brother in fifteen years..

Lou
Twenty.

Jess
Has it been that long.

Lou
Yes.

Jess
Anyway, you’re thinking that if you can face it, why can’t I?

Lou
No, not at all, Jess. You and Nina are all I have but you need to do this for Nina’s sake and your own, that’s all. (Pause) I’m asking you to face up to the day when Nina might die, and to be unselfish enough to accept that there are some circumstances in which she doesn’t want to live. Come on, won’t you tell Nina to sign the DNR?

Jess
All right. All right, I’ll tell her. Do you think we can we go in now?

Lou
(Stands and looks through the door) Oh, gee, she’s awake, but now they’re just cleaning her central line, you know, that line for medicine that goes straight to her heart? It takes a while.

Jess
Yeah, that does take a few minutes. Looks like they may be almost done, thought. Look, Lou, the doctors told me not to overnight with her, that she was out of danger. Would you come back to the house with me for a cup of coffee? It would mean a lot to me – you haven’t been in a really long time…

Lou
It has been a long time… You know, Jess, I think I owe you an explanation.

Jess
About what?

Lou
About why I never go to your house anymore.

Jess
Actually, I’d rather you explained why you don’t like to look at Stevie’s pictures. I leave tons with mom and you never look unless I stick them under your nose…

Lou
I do, I do look at them. Nina showed me the latest ones last time!

Jess
You did that for mom’s sake! Did you enjoy looking at them? (Lou hesitates) I don’t know what’s wrong with you, you never come to see him, you don’t look at his pictures, you ask about him only to be polite…To think I called him Steve because it was your favorite boy’s name...

Lou
I didn’t know that! Isn’t there someone on Jeb’s side called Steve?

Jess
No. I called him Steve because it was your favorite name. That’s the only reason. (Moves towards the door.)

Lou
Oh, Jess, I really do have to explain. It’s just so hard, you know, for me to talk about these things.

Jess
(Not looking at her) You always act so surprised to find out that I love you, that I care for you, that I think of you at all. We’re closer than even our mothers were, you know.

Lou
They used to fight all the time, though.

Jess
And so do we! But we’re still really close. Doesn’t look like they’re done yet.

Lou
Give me a few minutes, Jess. I need to tell you, but it’s so painful….(Pause. Turns towards Jess again, who is now sitting.) Nina tried to help me leave, you know.

Jess
Really?

Lou
(smiling) I remember so well that day. Nina said to me: “Mommy will be back in a second with your mittens. Nina reached out and patted my hand. She tried everything. She said: “We are going to have a lot of fun this winter, Lou. Can you give me a little smile? You can play with Bonnie outside, all you want.”

Jess
Bonnie was the…

Lou
Bonnie was the black Labrador. Nina said it again: “Come on, can’t you give me a little smile? At least try! And what is the name of the little brown spaniel?” I sat there, trying to remember… “B…It starts with a B too…” And Nina said: “It’s Belle. And in the spring, when the ice is gone, we can go by the river.”

Jess
(dreamily) Tell me again about the trains.

Lou
Jess, you lived there yourself for twenty years.

Jess
Yes, but by then the trains had stopped.

Lou
Nina said to me: “My house is in the country, at the bottom of a hill, but there are two bridges, one for cars and one for trains. The trains have been going by for years and years and every time, they toot at us to say hello. And what do we do to say hi back?”

Jess
Hmmm….

Lou
And we go outside and wave. She asked me that, you know, to coax me: “Do you want to go outside and wave at the trains with me?”

Jess
And what did you say?

Lou
I said: “Yeees, I did…. “ Or rather, “Yeeeth,” (They laugh.)

Jess
You did have a bad lisp.

Lou
And Nina just kept coaxing: “Can’t you give me a little smile, then?” And then, I burst into tears. And she asked: “Sweet pea, why are you crying?”

Jess
You didn’t want to leave?

Lou
I didn’t want to leave.

Jess
You didn’t want to come and stay with mom? I can’t believe it!

Lou
I did, I did want to live with Nina, but what about Mickey?

Jess
Mickey would have had your mother and father to look after him.

Lou
But I didn’t want to leave Mickey alone!

Jess
You didn’t want to leave Mikey alone?

Lou
No.

Jess
Why? What did you do?

Lou
I didn’t want to leave him alone with my parents. So I just got out of the car and come back in the house. A little later, Mikey makes her a crown out of paper, and puts it on her head.) And he said: “You are a queen today.”

Jess
I guess there is such a thing as really generous, unselfish little children, even at age nine.

Lou
And you should thank me, too.

Jess
Me? Why me?

Lou
Because what are the chances of Nina adopting you if she already had a…a foster daughter to bring up, living with her, smashing her windows and her husband’s pipes.(They laugh.)

Jess
Mom sure loved remembering my arrival. “Of course,” she would say, “that was about the time I got my darling Jess.”

Lou
Yes, I remember so well when you came into the family.

Jess
Oh, here we go again!

Lou
What?

Jess
You like to damn well reminisce about when I was adopted. You do that to me several times a year.

Lou
Well, so what if I like to remember miracles?

Jess
I suppose. (Sighs resignedly.)

Lou
(Struggles to go on, but gets more composed) That was so funny! I mean, I kept saying -- I can’t tell that she’s Chinese, mother.” And mother, always a model of racial attitudes (they laugh) says: “Wait until she cries, you’ll see something in the way she crinkles his eyes.” And I keep repeating “I can’t see it, mom.”

Jess
Your mother!

Lou
Well, she meant well.

Jess
Yes, she actually did mean well.

Lou
So I never could see it.

Jess
At least you never tried to make me cry.

Lou
No, I didn’t…Well, actually… This is kind of embarrassing…

Jess
What? What have you been hiding from me, again?

Lou
Well, it was on one of my visits to you, with my mother. Oh, you’re not going to trot out another one of those old stories, are you?

Jess
Sure I am

Lou
Damn…(Jess laughs, but doesn’t notice Lou isn’t) On that visit, one time I went in to see you in your crib, all alone. Then your mother and mine heard you scream, Jess, this was when you were, say, 2 years old. And they rush into the room, and there I was, with both my hands out like claws, Jess, and dragging my nails down your face.

Jess
Really?
Lou
Oh, yes, my mother told me I drew blood. I’m really sorry, Jess.

Jess
Sorry, what are you sorry for, I don’t even remember that…And I’m surprised you can.

Lou
Nina does, I’m sure.

Jess
How did she react?

Lou
She just picked you up and held you in her arms until you stopped crying. It didn’t take very long. I’m amazed Nina doesn’t hate me?

Jess
Actually, wouldn’t you say it was you who hated me?

Lou
Hate you, never!

Jess
And you remember this yourself?

Lou
Yes.

Jess
Are you sure you don’t remember your mother telling you all about that? Aunt Jo had a way with storied, you know…

Lou
A real Irish storyteller, that one!

Jess
Exactly. How did mom react?

Lou
Well, I guess she had that first instinctive rush to protect her baby, and she might have been pretty sharp, but mother…She already had the situation well in hand.

Jess
What did your mother do, Lou?

Lou
I don’t remember, I guess she spanked me. Yes, I remember that day, she hit me.

Jess
She hit you? Like a lot?

Lou
Yes (counting and using her arms like a pendulum or windmill), one, two, three, four, five, six, seven… Seven times.

Jess
But has that got to do with you not wanting to come to the house, and avoiding Stevie?

Lou
I’m getting there, I’m getting there.

Jess
You sure are taking your time…I just want you to come by, for heaven’s sake!

Lou
Jess, to you, your house is a haven, a safe place. It was never like that for me.

Jess
It wasn’t?

Lou
Unless there was someone else there, and everyone made an effort, I never knew what was going to happen… to any of us!

Jess
Mom said Aunt Jo was a troubled soul her whole life.

Lou
Yes, she was. She had bipolar disorder, with psychotic episodes. (Shudders)

Jess
Bipolar! Your mother was manic-depressive? I never knew that!

Lou
They never told anybody. They never told me anything. They didn’t want anybody to know. There was such a stigma about psychiatrists and everything that they never told me.

Jess
How did you find out?

Lou
I asked Nina after mother died, and she told me.

Jess
She kept it from you, too.

Lou
Nina didn’t think it was her business to tell me if my parents didn’t want to tell me themselves.

Jess
I suppose they meant to spare you.

Lou
Well, all they did but wind up making sure I could never get help.

Jess
Oh my God, I feel so bad.

Lou
Sure you do.

Jess
Not about that, I feel bad about what I said yesterday to mother.

Lou
What was that?

Jess
Yes. I was angry and I said: “I don’t want to see her, mother.”

Lou
And what did Nina say?

Jess
She said: “Jess, Lou comes to see me every day since I’ve been in the hospital.” And I told her: “I don’t care, she hasn’t come to see me at home!”

Lou
Always exaggerating. You’re more like my mother than I am.

Jess
Oh, go on! (Taps Lou on the arm playfully) I said to mom: “I invite her constantly.”

Lou
I always asked about you, you know. I was always happy to see you. Blood is thicker than water…

Jess
Well, not in my case…You know, mom wants me to look for my birth mother.

Lou
I think you should do that, Jess, although maybe not right now.

Jess
I guess not! We’ve been a little busy….

Lou
When you’re ready and you have time, for your birth mother’s sake.

Jess
For my birth mother’s sake? She gave me up, so how much does she care about me!

Lou
You don’t know that she doesn’t care for you, that she didn’t do it because she thought it was the best thing for you.

Jess
(looks through door again) Great, they’re done. Let’s go in. (Lou and Jess exit.)

Scene 3

(Lou and Jess in waiting room)

Jess
God, it seems all we ever do these days is wait around for the doctors. (Stretching) By the way, Lou, I spoke to mom’s nurse when I came in, about, you know…

Lou
About what? Nina?

Jess
They gave her an enema even though she said no.

Lou
What?

Jess
You heard me. They drive her crazy, with their questions: “Did you have a stool today? Was it well formed? Bulky? I wonder they don’t give them ratings of their own.

Lou
Actually, they refer to them as B.M.’s…

Jess
(Laughing) They kill me with their euphemisms! B.M.’s! She had a shit! She took a shit!

Lou
Actually, technically, she left a shit. At least, I hope so. Anyway, the B.M.’s have their own log, back at the nursing home.

Jess
You’re kidding me.

Lou
No, it’s true.

Jess
I don’t believe it.

Lou
Hey, you can go and take a look, all you have to do is ask. It’s at the nursing station. You can ask to see it.

Jess
Great.

Lou
God, they’re obsessed.

Jess
Actually it’s the elderly who are obsessed…

Lou
No, it’s not the old folks, it’s the staff, it’s all they think about.

Jess
Anyway, I asked the charge nurse about it, and she told me they could use a different tip next time.

Lou
What?

Jess
They’ll use a different tip for the enema, rounded, softer, it should be more comfortable for her.

Lou
(sarcastically) Until this moment, I didn’t know how different Nina’s life could be. (Lou and Jess laugh.) Boy, nothing is private in the hospital. But that’s not the point. The point is consent, and Nina said no. How come they gave it to her anyway?

Jess
Oh, big deal.

Lou
Hey, it is a big deal… Consent is the most important thing, Jess. It’s Nina’s dignity we’re talking about, here.

Jess
Well, she gave them a big piece of her mind, I’ll tell you that. Not a lot of people in care can do that.

Lou
Not a wallflower, never was. Do you remember the worst thing I ever did to her?

Jess
You never did anything bad to mom!

Lou
Sure I did, it was before you were born, I was staying with you at the house for a while, and the storm windows had just been taken off.

Jess
Yes, I remember that. We had to put them on and take them off every year, fall and spring. There were lots of them.

Lou
Well, they were all neatly lying against the house, in the back, remember.

Jess
Well, yes, from there it’s convenient to put them in the shed.

Lou
Right. Well, I took them one at a time and laid them on the ground.

Jess
Yes, so?

Lou
And then I jumped on them and stomped through each and every pane.

Jess
On every window?

Lou
Yes. On each and every one.

Jess
You didn’t even spare a single one?

Lou
I took one window after another and then I smashed each pane, very carefully. It made a terrific noise.

Jess
I don’t remember that at all. I don’t even remember mom mentioning it.

Lou
It’s true. I remember, when she and uncle Paul came out of the house, they found the storm windows all smashed up.

Jess
It must have cost a fortune to fix. But, Lou, why did you do it?

Lou
Well, I couldn’t have explained it to you until last spring, when I was out walking with a friend, and she jumped through the thin ice that forms in the spring or the fall, you know, and it breaks underfoot with a crisp sound? She said that he really enjoyed doing that, and of course I realized then, so do I. So I smashed all your windows because I thought it would be as much fun as the ice.

Lou
(laughing) And was it?

Lou
Actually, no. The glass was too thick. (They both laugh.) But I remember not being able to believe it when Aunt Nina and Uncle Paul weren’t mad at me. They were both dears about it.

Jess
I’m not sure we ever knew what happened!

Lou
Oh, yes, my mother knew right away it was me. And she asked me for years why I had done that, was it a cry for help, and I could never explain.

Jess
A cry for help? Why would you do that?

Lou
I suppose she felt as guilty about me as about everything else.

Jess
Why would she feel guilty?

Lou
Didn’t your mother ever tell you?

Jess
Tell me what? What are you talking about?

Lou
About my mother.

Jess
You told me she was bipolar. Is there more than that?

Lou
Can’t you guess?

Jess
No, what do you mean?

Lou
So that’s it…Well, that makes sense then. Grandmother must have been a smart cookie, but my poor own mother, she was stuck bearing the load. One time, I came home and I found her giving herself an abortion.

Jess
What? An abortion? Impossible! She had Mickey!

Lou
Mickey is only three years younger than me, this was after.

Jess
You mean, she got pregnant again?

Lou
I came home, and I just, you know, ran to the bathroom. (Pause, shudders) And there she was, naked in the bathtub, and there was blood everywhere, and she had this clothes hanger between her legs, you know, undone like in those pictures you see, and she was poking… Oh…I’m going to be sick

Jess
Lou, Lou, it’s ok, it’s ok…

Lou
She did to me what she wanted for herself.

Jess
What? What do you mean?

Lou
(Pause) I guess, uh… This was before abortion was legal. That was her only option.

Jess
What did you do?

Lou
I turned and left the bathroom. I’m not sure she even saw me. I guess it worked, there’s only Mickey and me. You know, what I really don’t understand is why Nina turned out so well, when mom didn’t.

Jess
Nina always said grandpa was a piece of work, and that was the reasons she was so glad she went to boarding school really young, so she figured she escaped.

Lou
(Sighs) Oh, so that’s it. That explains it.

Jess
Who knows what might have happened if your mother had gone to boarding school too.

Lou
She did, but only for high school, so by then it was probably to late.

Jess
Who knows what her parents meant to do for her…Oh, I can the doctor walking in, let’s go. (Stands up.)

Scene 4
(Lou and Jess, await restlessly news)

Lou
I had no idea this could all happen so quickly.

Jess
She was doing so well, I’m so worried, I’m so scared.

Lou
I realize it’s frightening to know she’s gone downhill suddenly…

Jess
Those awful machines…

Lou
But they are saving her life, right now.

Jess
She’ll never be the same.

Lou
The same, no, but might still have good days, good times with her.

Jess
I just can’t believe it, I think she’s going to die.

Lou
There’s nothing more scary than ICU, that’s for sure. But the doctor said that she would recover still, you have to think about that.

Jess
This is just so hard for me, and I need to go look after Stevie, Jeb has to work tonight, I’ll have to leave in about ten minutes. (Pause)

Lou
She’ll get better, and we’ll all live to laugh about this. We laughed so many times over the antics at the nursing home, especially that time with the head of nursing.

Jess
What happened with the head of nursing? You mean at the nursing home?

Lou
Yes. Didn’t I ever tell you about that? Oh, Jess, you won’t believe what Nina did!

Jess
Come on, tell me, what did she do?

Lou
Well, we were outside for a walk n’ roll…

Jess
(Laughs) Oh, that’s a good one, a walk n’ roll…

Lou
That’s what she calls it, after all, she’s the one in a wheel chair.

Jess
I love it, I love it!

Lou
And then we met with this, this head of nursing.

Jess
Oh, yes, that nice woman, what’s her name again?

Lou
Judy, or something. Anyway, Judy or whoever, asks Nina: “So how are you today, how are you settling in?” So Nina says under her breath, but of course I could hear her: “Damn official manner, she should know better.”

Jess
Yeah, so?

Lou
Well, it’s what Nina answered that’s funny?

Jess
Well, what? You’re stringing me along, Lou.

Lou
Oh, it’s not that big a deal. Look, these people are always asking: “How are you?” So apparently she decided that morning, I’m going to tell them how I am.

Jess
So?

Lou
She said: “To me this place is a prison.”

Jess
(They laugh) She didn’t.

Lou
Oh yes, she did.

Jess
Oh, mother! (Tenderly) I guess to her, her body feels likes a prison.

Lou
Yes, I guess it does.

Jess
But still…Oh, that’s not the worst thing I’ve ever heard around Weygarth.

Lou
What, what have you heard that’s so bad?

Jess
I’ll never tell.

Lou
Then why bring it up?

Jess
It’s about that nurse’s aide, you know, the one that wears a lot of make up and a lot of jewelry and has her hair done so nice?

Lou
Yes, yes, I know the one, she’s maybe forty?

Jess
Yes, that’s the one. But I’ll never tell.

Lou
Well, if you don’t want to talk, we cannot ask. (Pause)

Nina
Oh, stop hounding me, I’ll tell you. (They laugh.) Well, it was the evening shift, and you know, everyone else around here goes to bed so early.

Lou
Oh yes, by 8 o’clock you could shoot a cannon through these halls.

Jess
Talk about the frail elderly.

Lou
Did Nina have insomnia again?

Jess
Oh, for God’s sake, Lou, stop worrying about everything. Anyway, a bunch of them were going on their break, and this one nurse stopped just outside Nina’s door and that’s when she said it.

Lou
Said what?

Jess
She said it, that thing I don’t want to tell you.

Lou
Seems to me you were telling that story pretty well all by yourself.

Jess
Oh, never mind, Lou. That nurse said; “I really need a man.” (They laugh.)

Lou
Well, what can I say, nurses have lives too.

Jess
Yeah, just as funny as the fact that Nina’s room is next to the big washrooms. (Nina and Lou laugh.)

Lou
What, what?

Jess
Oh, you know, it can be pretty quiet around here.

Lou
Yes, and of course, a little bit of noise can be heard pretty far away…

Jess
What noise? What are you talking about?

Lou
It’s the old folks with their obsession with going to the toilet, they talk about it and worry about it and report on it…

Jess
So? This is an old folks’ home!

Lou
Yes, but I never realized before, until now, that you could hear them farting from across the hall…

Jess
What?

Lou
That’s right. They go to the bathroom right across the way, and I can hear them all farting all the time before, you know, their BM’s.

Jess
Oh, my God. (Laughing.) What about the smell?

Lou
Oh, no, the smells never bothered her, she was too far away for that, at least… God, I wish I could have laughed like that with my own mother.

Jess
No laughing matter, huh?

Lou
No. For long whiles, things would be more or less ok, and then she’d get really down. Other times, well, it … I don’t know if I can talk about it …

Jess
Well, we’ve been talking about nothing but unmentionables all this time…

Lou
(Smiles) I suppose…Sometimes, I have nightmares that she’s still standing over me with that knife.

Jess
What? With a knife? Aunt Jo?

Lou
Yes, when she was bad, she was really, really bad. She used to be violent sometimes, you know. She’s come into my bedroom in the middle of the night, and she’d be holding this knife, and she’d threaten to cut it out…cut me open.

Jess
Oh my God! When did this happen?

Lou
It was the worst patch, the time when I was fifteen. God, I can’t believe how awful it was…

Jess
Couldn’t your dad do anything?

Lou
My father? Forget it, he was worried about keeping it all a secret…the knives were really big, this long (gestures), and they were Swiss or German. I searched the whole house, she must have had a hiding place I couldn’t find. I never could find them. (Pause) You know, Jess, there’s something more I’d like to tell you.

Jess
Sure, what now?

Lou
I know it’s hard, but you’ve got a lot on your plate, but I want you to understand why I do what I do?

Jess
Like what?

Lou
Like why I never go to your place unless I have to…

Jess
Sure…I want to understand…I can imagine you wouldn’t want to be around family very much, after what you said…

Lou
It’s not that, it’s more than that. I find it hard to talk about…

Jess
You can tell me. You can tell me anything…

Lou
Well, you know when mother was threatening me with that knife?

Jess
Yes, what about it?
Lou
Oh, this is so hard for me…

Jess
(Distracted) Oh, look, it’s the doctor’s here, and so is mom’s nurse, they must have some kind of news, maybe the test results, can we go? (Gets up)

Lou
Yes, yes, of course…(Lou and Jess stand up, link hands, and go wait by the door.)

Scene 5

(Lou and Jess come out of the ICU)

Jess
What kind of idiots are these people? Didn’t they say three days ago that she could go back to long term care?

Lou
Jess, Nina crashed.

Jess
She didn’t have another heart attack, they said so.

Lou
Her heart just suddenly got that much weaker.

Jess
Well, what the hell did they say anything for, if they weren’t sure?

Lou
Your mother’s regular doctor was out of town, I don’t think this other guy was really prepared for any of this. Anyway, who could tell the future?

Jess
Bunch of incompetent idiots. No chance of any sort of normal life.

Lou
I suppose the damage could be too extensive. And her breathing is so much worse, it’s like she’s breathing through a straw.

Jess
I can’t take all this in, it’s too much. I can’t decide right away what to do.

Lou
This is really very hard for you, but no one but you can decide now.

Jess
Well, I can’t, I can’t take it, I can’t tell them to take her off the oxygen, she’d die.

Lou
You can take some time for yourself, but the pressure is going to be there, they’re going to need a decision from you or they are going to need that ICU bed.

Jess
Oh God, oh God, oh God….

Lou
I know you don’t want her to suffer

Jess
I don’t, of course not.

Lou
Do you have any idea what she would want?

Jess
Yes, of course, she always said that she didn’t want to drag out her last days, that she didn’t want to impose her old age on anyone.

Lou
Well, she certainly was clear on that point.

Jess
Yes, she was

Lou
So in this situation, what would that mean?

Jess
Well, we never talked about what to do if she was no longer able to think for herself. I always thought, when she said that, that she would tell me to pull the plug.

Lou
I can see that, I can see how that would be the case. It’s true that that would have been easier, you wouldn’t have had to make the decision for her. But now, you have to speak for her.

Jess
I don’t want her to die. I want her to stay with me, to stay with us. I want her to see Stevie grow up, I want her to see the snow melt and the spring one more time, I want her to have one more summer, one more day, one more sunrise.

Lou
The sands are running out. You no longer have the mother who could talk and joke and look for the crocuses from her window. That mother is gone, now, and she’s not coming back.

Jess
So I can have her as she is now, when she can’t talk, and she’s fighting for every breath, she can just barely recognize me. This is all I have left. (Jess starts to sob, and tries to run out of the waiting room. Lou catches her in her arms.) I can’t stand it, I can’t stand it, I can’t stand to listen to her suffer, I can’t, I can’t, make it stop.

Lou
Jess…

Jess
I can’t stand it, make it stop, make it stop.

Lou
Jess, only you can make it stop. You have a chance, one great last chance to do something for her. You can honor her spirit and her personhood, and make the sacrifice, the unselfish sacrifice of keeping her alive for your own sake, because you’re afraid of her dying, to put off your own grief, and letting her go, of letting her die as she would have wanted.

Jess
I don’t want her to die, but I can’t take any more.

Lou
You can agree to the morphine if you want. Nina is ready, I know it.

Jess
I can’t help it, I can’t stand it.

Lou
Jess, Nina signed a DNR, but she didn’t make a living will. But this isn’t what she wanted. She asked for the paperwork, this just happened before she could sign them. You know it, she told me as well.

Jess
What would you do, Lou?

Lou
I would stop the medical care and let the morphine ease her suffering.

Jess
But she’s not in pain.

Lou
She’s not in pain in one way, but you can see she is struggling, that she is not resting easily, she’s restless as well. Sometimes, it’s harder to be unselfish in this way.

Jess
Is it?

Lou
Sometimes. This can be the hardest decision you ever make. Only with your child could it be worse.

Jess
OK, OK, can you ask for the nurse to get the morphine ready.

Lou
I can ask, but they’ll want you to give your permission personally.

Jess
It’s not easy making decisions like these.

Lou
No, it’s not. It’s also not easy watching someone you love suffer when they choose it, at least. It’s much worse when they don’t, and you have to make a life or death decision for them, and you can’t talk to them, and then you have to live with it, watch them die, and live with that for the rest of your life.

Jess
OK, OK, I’ll do it. I’ll say yes. Please, though, quickly. I can’t stand it, this limbo.

Lou
The nurses are going to move pretty quickly. Don’t worry. Let’s go back and tell them.

Jess
I’ll go by myself. This is my responsibility.

Lou
Remember you are doing this for her. You can honor her spirit and her personhood, but making the sacrifice, the unselfish sacrifice of keeping her alive for your own sake, to put off your own grief, of letting her go, of letting her die as she would have wanted.

Jess
Can I have more time with her?

Lou
I’m sure they’ll let you sit by her as long as you want. Do you want Jeb and Stevie?

Jess
Jeb, sure, but I think Stevie would find it very scary. I want you to be there.

Lou
For sure.

Scene 6

(Dimmed lights onstage. Enter Jess with a big full plastic garbage bag.)

Jess
Christ. (Looks at the bag). If this how it ends, what’s left when it’s all over? A garbage bag full of her clothes. I don’t know who is going to do for me what I did for her…I can’t see Jeb ever… Oh, oh. (Starts to cry.)

Lou
Oh my God, I forgot.

Jess
Forgot what?

Lou
I forgot to pick up Nina’s favorite pillow, I’ll have to go back.

Jess
I’ll wait.

Lou
Never mind, it’s three in the morning, you go on home and get some rest. You’ll be standing in a whirlwind, you know, until this is over.

Jess
Are you sure?

Lou
Absolutely.

(Jess exits, Lou exits)

Lou
(offstage) Goddamn it, goddamn it, how could I forget, fuck, fuck, fuck. I’m such an idiot. I’m such an idiot! (Enter Lou carrying a pillow.) Christ, I can’t believe I forgot her favorite pillow, I can’t believe it. Oh God, I never saw this pillow except when Nina was there. She’s gone, she’s really gone… (starts to cry) …oh! (Sobs.)
Act II Mariah

Scene 1

(Lou and Jess in Lou’s office)

Lou
So how is it going settling the estate?

Jess
What? The estate. Oh, it’s OK. I mean, it’s mostly paperwork, since mom had gotten a trust set up for me.

Lou
I’m so glad Nina did that, it’s so much easier for you. I’m the one who told her about that, you know.

Jess
Really?

Lou
Yes, I told her: You can fix this and make sure that bastard prime minister doesn’t get one cent of the money. (Laughs)

Jess
Oh, she hated that guy.

Lou
She sure did. Do you want to start looking at the paperwork for your search?

Jess
Sure. (Gets out a file from a briefcase.)

Lou
(shuffles papers a bit) So your birth certificate says Saint Margaret’s Hospital, in Greenwood, Nova Scotia. It’s possible that the hospital registry is still available. That would be the firs step to take, but only when you’re ready.

Jess
Well, I already called there.

Lou
You did?

Jess
Sure. I spoke to the clerk, it’s a nice woman called Barb. She was very excited.

Lou
Jess, do you think that was such a good idea?

Jess
Sure, it was, look how fast things are going to move now.

Lou
You said the clerk you spoke to, what’s her name?

Jess
Barb.

Lou
Barb. You said she was excited. How come?

Jess
Well, she said she’d take this on for me, that she’d call me to let me know what she found.

Lou
She did?

Jess
Why are you frowning like that?

Lou
I’m a little worried -- what if your birth mother doesn’t want to meet you? What if she agrees to talk to you but it doesn’t go well.

Jess
Lou, I don’t get you. You’re the one who’s been encouraging me to do this.

Lou
Well, yes. But it was to help you get ready, to help smooth things out and help you understand what is going on. This is pretty heavy stuff.

Jess
What do you mean?

Lou
Well, you may find her, you may not. She may want to see you, she may not. The meeting may go well, it may not.

Jess
You’ve said that already. So what? How could I be disappointed?

Lou
She may not be who you would want her to be. You may have been thinking about her all this time and you’ve got a picture in your mind of her…and she may not be like that. And the same could be true on her side.

Jess
I have no idea what I expect.

Lou
But she might. Who knows how she thinks of you, after all these years.

Jess
Oh, you’re making this stuff up. I don’t get it.

Lou
Well, think about this. Can you even read the newspaper and start imagining what people are like? Everybody has pictures in their mind. What if she’s fat? What if she’s poor? What if she’s not well educated, not pretty? What if she’s a bigot about race…

Jess
Impossible, she had me, didn’t she?

Lou
Who knows, maybe she gave you up for just that reason? People give up babies all the time because they’re sick or handicapped…

Jess
You are really building me up here…

Lou
I just want you to be prepared. I’m only thinking of you.

Jess
Prepared? After losing my own mother? I can get through anything.

Lou
But for your birth mother, this is about having lost a child. Have you ever lost a child? Look at me, I lost my own mother and then I lost Nina…

Jess
Yeah, but you didn’t even like your own mother.

Lou
Oh my God, Jess, is that what you think?

Jess
Yes, yes, I guess it is.

Lou
Well, let me tell you. I may not have been able to relate to my mother, that’s perfectly true. But even if I had a terrible relationship with her, because she was mentally ill, and she was tormented on top of that, I mourned her just as sincerely. And let me tell you, I had to grieve the fact that the relationship was so …mixed.

Jess
Sorry.

Lou
I’m sorry too.

Jess
I guess I don’t always like what you have to say, even when it’s true.

Lou
Even when it’s for your own good.

Jess
Well, the clerk Barb will call me back when she has something. So I guess we’re done for today.

Lou
If that’s all the questions you have…I guess that’s all I can do for today.

Jess
I’ll keep in touch with that clerk and see what can be done – who knows, though, what the records are going to be like?

Lou
Sure, sure. They may be great, they might be terrible.

Jess
Well, why don’t I just hope for the best?

Lou
(Sighs) All right, go ahead, and call, I can tell you’re dying to check up on her again, use my phone.

Jess
(Picks up the phone) Operator, what is the area code for Sydney, Nova Scotia?

Scene 2

(Lou is walking down a hallway at the office, Jess runs up to her.)

Jess
I’m sorry to burst in on you at work like this. I didn’t even call. I’m just so excited, I couldn’t wait to tell you.

Lou
Tell me what? Has anything happened?

Jess
Yes, lots. I don’t know where to begin.

Lou
Nobody is sick or anything?

Jess
No, nothing like that, Jeb and Stevie are fine. It’s good news, it’s great news!

Lou
Well, what is it?

Jess
I’ve talked to Mariah.

Lou
You mean Barb.

Jess
No, Mariah.

Lou
Mariah?

Jess
I’m so happy.

Lou
Who’s Mariah?

Jess
Mariah is my birth mother.

Lou
You talked to your birth mother.

Jess
Yes, three times by now.

Lou
Three times! How did that happen?

Jess
That clerk, Barb, she took my situation to heart she said. So she had to get the boxes of old records out of storage, and there was a mistake in the registry, you know, it was by hand in those days, and whoever then had reversed two numbers. So she finally got the right box, and found the name of the birth mother.

Lou
Just like that?

Jess
Yes, and then she searched for Mariah’s name, that’s her name, Mariah, in the nurses’ association in Nova Scotia, because she was a nurse. And there the name was. So she called Mariah at the office.

Lou
Barb the clerk called Mariah at work? Right out of the blue? Without knowing if she even wanted to look for her adopted daughter? That’s crazy.

Jess
I’m so excited! I’m going to meet her!

Lou
So this clerk called Mariah, what did Mariah say?

Jess
She said that I was looking for her, of course.

Lou
Heaven forbid.

Jess
Mariah said it was quite a shock.

Lou
I guess.

Jess
Yes, Mariah works in breast cancer prevention, and she was just going into a meeting, and she said she went into her meeting, but had to be excused, she was too emotional.

Lou
No kidding.

Jess
So she called me that night, and we’ve been talking ever since. She says she wants to meet me.

Lou
Jess, this is a minefield. Isn’t there any reason you could slow things down a bit, catch your breath, for both of you?

Jess
I thought you’d be happy for me. I told her all about you, how you used to be my best friend, and you’re my closest relative…

Lou
Used to be?

Jess
Well, you know, lately we haven’t been nearly as close.

Lou
Gee, thanks, Jess.

Jess
You know what I mean, you never come to the house, the only time I see you is here. I used to only see you when I went to see Nina and you happened to be there. Since Nina died we haven’t been close at all. I sometimes think…Oh I shouldn’t say it, how would you understand?

Lou
What do you mean? Spit it out.

Jess
I mean, I don’t think you enjoy families or relatives.

Lou
What do you mean?

Jess
I mean, you never see your own brother anymore, or your father, so I guess you don’t really like families…

Lou
There you go again, Jess, always quick to judge. It’s not that simple.

Jess
I think you resent me, and you are against family life.

Lou
Me? A social worker?

Jess
Maybe you’re searching for solutions to why you are so …off the mean…

Lou
Maybe it’s just as well I not see your boy. (Takes out her wallet and takes out Stevie’s picture.) Here, take his picture back.

Jess
I don’t want it back. Oh, for heaven’s sake, Lou, take it easy.

Lou
No, I insist, take it, take it.. I don’t even know why you’re here.

Jess
And I don’t know why you put up with me.

Lou
I put up with you because I have no choice.

Jess
Of course you have a choice.

Lou
No, I don’t. I always keep my word. When I promise, I promise.

Jess
Oh, the girl guide always keeps her promises, eh?

Lou
I do when I make them to a dying person.

Jess
So that’s it. You promised mother. (Laughs)

Lou
It’s not funny. I promised Nina that I’d help you find your mother, that’s why I’m doing this.

Jess
That’s why I’m laughing! So you’re not doing this for me? You’re not doing this for my sake?

Lou
Oh God, I shouldn’t have told you. Of course it’s for you, but really I should have had you work with someone else. But I stupidly promised Nina to do it myself. What is so funny?

Jess
(Still laughing) It’s just, it’s just… Nina made me promise to look for Mariah but only with you, only with your support.

Lou
No way.

Jess
Absolutely. That’s why I keep coming back to you at every step. And that’s why you put up with my stupid remarks.

Lou
Why that little… coyote.

Jess
Bitch is more like it.

Lou
She tied to each other like we were on a chain gang.

Jess
I guess. Look, let’s chill out, why don’t we. All this will keep. We can at least sleep on it.

Lou
This advice, from you? (They laugh)

Jess
I’ll leave you to get back to work. (Kisses Lou on the cheek.) We’ll talk.

Lou
Bye. (Jess exits. Lou shakes her head, smiling.)

Scene 3

(Lou in Lou’s office. Jess comes in.)

Jess
Hiya, Lou of my heart. (Kisses Lou on the cheek.)

Lou
Hi, Jess. Now, you’re in a good mood today.

Jess
I am, I am, I feel like spring is just around the corner. Do you like my new hairdo?

Lou
Don’t you do this every spring?

Jess
No, no, you dope, this is new.

Lou
Turn your head, so I can see the back. (Pause) Yes, yes, I like it a lot. (They sit down.)

Jess
Do you remember the time mom surprised you with her hair?

Lou
Oh, yes, I do. It was after another bout in the hospital, was it three, no, four years ago.

Jess
Oh, at least four years. She was still dying her hair at that point.

Lou
So I walk in, and then Nina turns around, and I almost jump out of my skin.

Jess
I remember, I remember! You said: “Oh, my God, Auntie, I never saw you with such short hair.” Boy did we ever laugh! She had warned me, you know.

Lou
Warned you about what?

Jess
Not to tell you, that she had gotten her hair cut so short and changed her look.

Lou
Now, that was a surprise. Well, it was a god laugh.

Jess
Anyway, I came to tell you: Mariah is flying out somewhere, and I’m going to go to the airport and have a cup of coffee with her this week-end. (Lou starts, clearly shocked.) Oh, don’t look like that. Don’t look at me like that! Why are you so shocked?

Lou
Well, first, tell me how all this happened so fast, for heaven’s sake.

Jess
Now take it easy.

Lou
No, you take it easy, for once. Do you even know what moderation is?

Jess
Moderation, that’s for people who are pessimists.

Lou
Jess, I don’t want you to get hurt.

Jess
Lou, I’m doing this, so don’t start.

Lou
(Takes a deep breath.) OK, OK, tell me how this happened.

Jess
Mariah is going to Vancouver for work, and she’s going to change planes here, and I’ll meet her at the airport. It’s that simple.

Lou
Aren’t you worried, even a little? Isn’t this scary for you?

Jess
No. No, not really. It’s not that it’s scary.

Lou
You have nerves of steel.

Jess
Really, Lou, I’m not afraid. It’s not that. I thought I had a heart big enough to have room for two mothers, and I do. It’s just, I feel funny when it comes to mom. Like I’m not faithful or something. Like I shouldn’t be thinking that, now that Mom is gone, I can still have someone.

Lou
Jess, this is all happening really quite close to Nina’s death.

Jess
It’s been six months.

Lou
Well, six months is not a long time when you’re grieving. It’s a little dangerous, you know, thinking right now that you could somehow replace or find a substitute for Nina. She has died and nothing will ever change that. You’ll never get on with your grieving if you start trying to replace her. And it’s bound to have some impact on your relationship with Mariah, whatever it turns out to be. Still, you will never replace Nina. It just doesn’t work that way.

Jess
Do you really think so?

Lou
I do. Think about it this way: what if, perish the thought, Stevie died. Do you think having another baby would replace him?

Jess
I suppose you’re right.

Lou
This first meeting with Mariah will be something that tells you something about who you are, but it may not do much more than that. This woman is a stranger, Jess, and a stranger who probably has a lot of conflicting feelings about you.

Jess
Oh, no, not at all, she doesn’t have anyone else in her life she told me so. She loves me and always has, that’s what she said.

Lou
Of course, she loves you. But has she ever moved on, after giving you up? If she hasn’t, what does that tell you about her? Don’t you think she might have expectations that might be disappointed? Wouldn’t talking on the phone and getting to know each other more be better?

Jess
Now what would you know about all this, what do you know about mother-daughter relationships!

Lou
You know, it’s not all personal experience, Jess, I kind of do this for a living. (Pause) Tell me what your plans are, tell me what you are going to do. How long are you going to have between planes? When are you meeting?

Jess
Well, we talked on the phone, and she’s traveling this Friday.

Lou
That soon, huh? Is she staying very long? What will you two do?

Jess
Her layover is pretty short, about five hours.

Lou
If her plane isn’t late.

Jess
Right, if the plane isn’t late. I never thought of that.

Lou
Her connection might also be delayed, you know.

Jess
Hadn’t thought of that either. Well, anyway, since Jeb thinks it’s a little soon for him and Stevie to meet Mariah…

Lou
He’s sensible at least. Just the two of you is more than enough for a few hours.

Jess
And it’s not so convenient, what with us living so far out in the country…So I thought I’d bring her down here to meet you.

Lou
Jess, I’m sorry, but no. What would we have to talk about? She’s going to want to spend the time with you. What could I possibly say to her?

Jess
Why, me! You’d talk about me! You’d tell her all about what I was like growing up.

Lou
Great, I can tell her about the time I scratched your face until you bled. God, if it was only that simple.

Jess
Well, why not.

Lou
You are walking straight into a minefield.

Jess
You keep saying that, Lou, but you are inventing problems. You know very well that I was adopted a long time ago, I’ve come to terms with that.

Lou
I know you have, and I admire you for it. (Reaches over and squeezes Jess’s hand.)

Jess
Sweetie, it’ll all go fine.

Lou
Whatever happens, Jess, I really do hope it’s for the best.

Jess
You know, I have a good feeling about this. I mean, what could be more natural?

Lou
I’m sure that’s how you feel about it. And I can’t tell you how much I admire you. But your birth mother might be going through a lot of feelings. And you, for you Nina’s only been gone a few months. You’re obviously hoping to find her again, but she was one in a million.

Jess
Oh, no, I’m not expecting to find mom again in someone else, really!

Lou
Seriously, the more I think about it, the more I think it’s a minefield.

Jess
Maybe you are right, maybe it is a minefield. But look at what that woman went through. Mariah never married, she never had more children, she probably never got over it. And who knows what drove her to give me up?

Lou
I am sure she did it out of love and whatever situation she was in, whatever circumstances drove her to do this, they had to be extreme. She had to have done it out of love.

Jess
Exactly. Now you’re getting it. So what problems could there be? (Lou throws up her hands. Jess checks her watch.) Heaven’s, look at the time, I’m late again, Jeb will be mad, he says I’m always late. Now how do I look?

Lou
Late, but not a hair out of place. You look great, just in Nina’s style, too. (Pauses) Remember what mom said to her hairdresser at the…home?

Lou
How can I forget! (Smiles.)

Jess
I mean, no one left that nursing home unless it was feet first! So I come in to see her one day, and she tells me: “I saw the hairdresser yesterday. When I came in for my appointment, I told her right away: “If you do a good job, I’ll come back.” (Lou doesn’t laugh, is obviously distressed.) Got to go. (Busses Lou.) Take good care, and Mariah and I will be down.

Lou
No, Jess, I told you I didn’t want to… (Jess exits.) She’s already gone. She didn’t even hear my answer. She goes flitting through life like nothing can ever go wrong. And for her, nothing ever does…Now she has a second chance at finding her mother, and Mariah has a second chance at finding her. Now she has a chance to find her beautiful daughter. (Says sotto voce:) And I never can. (Lou starts to sob again.)

Scene 4
(Lou and Jess are eating sweets in her office after hours.)

Jess
So how come you keep chocolates in your office?

Lou
For moments exactly like this. Sometimes, after a long day, I just want to indulge. And sometimes, you know, someone who comes here needs a little pick me up. It’s like that saying in Vienna: “Life is hard. The least you can do is meet it with a full stomach.”

Jess
Which is it this time?

Lou
Neither, Jess. I wanted to hear how things went, and you wouldn’t tell me on the phone, so just before I have this evening meeting, I squeezed you in. (Reaches over and pats her hand.) So tell me all about it. How did she look?

Jess
She looked great. I just walked over and she stood up and said: “Jess.” And I said: “Yes, how did you know?” And she smiled and didn’t answer and hugged me and said: “This is the moment of my dreams. Only my angel is even more beautiful.” And we both started to cry.

Lou
Oh, I’m so happy for you. (Tears well up in her eyes.) What is Mariah like?

Jess
Well, she’s about sixty and still working as a nurse, and she’s a little plump and a little taller than me, curly hair, blue eyes…

Lou
You didn’t get those.

Jess
No, but she has my hands…or rather I have her hands…

Lou
Do you like her?

Jess
Yes, I like her very much, she’s got a great big heart, and she’s full of pluck, you know, a fighter, and she’s funny. Thank God she has a sense of humour. Yes, she’s really nice. Oh, and she oohed and aahed over the pictures of Stevie.

Lou
Back up, back up, I want you to tell me all the little details…

Jess
Oh yes, right, of course. So anyway, Mariah said: “I’m happy to be here, Nina.” And I asked Mariah “Mariah, would you like something to drink after your long flight?” And Mariah said “Why yes, Jess, thank you, I would.” And I said “What would you like?” and Mariah said “Well, what have you got?” and I said….

Lou
Jess, get to the good part!

Jess
You’re the one who wanted detail!

Lou
Jess!

Jess
Well, when I went and got Mariah her orange juice, I could overhear sighing and blowing her nose.

Lou
Did she tell you what she was feeling? What did she say?

Jess
She had lots of questions about Mom and Dad, and if I was sick a lot when I was a little kid, and what kind of baby Stevie was.

Lou
Is that it?

Jess
No, there’s more. This is the best part, when Jeb met her, just for a minute…

Lou
I thought you were saving him for later.

Jess
Now, I compromised and just went to the airport when she was changing polanes, but then Jeb came with me for a minute.

Lou
All right, go on.

Jess
When Jeb met her, he said “Isn’t she wonderful?” and then Mariah said, I remember this specifically “Yes, she certainly is.”

Lou
Oh, I’m leaving, you have nothing to say….(They both laugh. They smile at each other.)

Jess

So it was a wonderful meeting.

Lou
Sounds like it. Where was she going again?

Jess
Vancouver.

Lou
Is she in Vancouver for long?

Jess
No, work is just a half-day meeting this time, something about breast cancer. I get the feeling we were lucky to have this much time to meet her at the airport, what with the plane change.

Lou
That’s right, she works in breast cancer prevention.

Jess
So we can look forward to another visit soon…

Lou
It was very smart of her to work it out this way, so that you had some time, but not too much, in case things were awkward. Also it gives you time to digest it all.

Jess
Yes, it does make sense, doesn’t it.

Lou
That good sense, that good judgment about people and situations, it reminds me of Nina. Bet you your two mothers would have gotten along.

Jess
I think you’re right. (Phone rings) Are you going to get that?

Lou
No, I’ll let the voicemail pick it up. (Pause) Do you remember the time your mother and you didn’t answer the phone, when she was in the nursing home, after that first heart attack?

Jess
Oh yes, how can I forget that one? Mom and I were in her room, you know, and mom was at the bathroom sink. Mom was wheelchair bound by then, she couldn’t walk at all. The phone started ringing and I said to her: “Mom, the phone is ringing. Shall I get it?” And she said not to bother. She said: “No, no I’m in the bathroom, I’ll be right back. They can call back.”

Lou
She liked answering her phone herself.

Jess
It told her that she was going to miss the call, and that I could pick it up, but she said no, “I want to take it myself, what if it’s about your Christmas present?” It was a bad moment, I put my foot in my mouth because I started to say: “You won’t live to see…”

Lou
Oh, you mean about Christmas?

Jess
Exactly. But I didn’t have to finish my sentence, because mom said: “I know, I know, I won’t be here at Christmas, I won’t see another Christmas, no need to remind me. Then she started to cry. I don’t want to go. And I said: “Oh Mom. “ And I waited until she wasn’t crying any more. I said: “Look, Mom, I got this call from the physiotherapist. She said she wanted to put one of those triangle things over your bed, oh what are they called…” It got worse, Lou.

Lou
What did Nina say? Was that the time about the triangle that she could grab from a lying position, so she could shift herself?

Jess
Yes, that’s right. The physiotherapist thought that it might help. But mom was mad. I remember: “The physiotherapist went through all that with me, and I said no.” I told her that I thought it might help her. But she had said no and it was final.

Lou
Boy was it ever. I walked in right about then, and you were crying.

Jess
Was I ever. At first, I was just a little taken aback. I mean, I told her that I didn’t think it was the best decision she ever made. Then she let me have it.

Lou
I was there for that, and I remember her word for word. “Oh, enough of this. I can never go home, I’ll never see my house again, even for half an hour. Can you get me home. Can Lou take me home? No, no one can ever take me home, because I can never climb those five steps, those five little steps to my own front door, ever again. I’m here, in this little room, with all these nurses washing me and taking me to the bathroom, and bad food, and waiting for your visits all the time. And that is all my life, now. So when then asked me, I said no. That’s why I said no. (Aside) Then you really started crying, Jess. (Long pause.) No need to cry like that, I know how you are. I know you. I know what you meant. I understand you were trying for the best. Then she tried to distract you, you know? She asked you to change the water for her flowers for her.

Jess
And I did, but it sure didn’t cheer me up.

Lou
Then she said: “Oh, Jess, give it rest.” And then I called again, four more rings again, ignored by both of you this time.

Jess
It was just that mom was always so jolly, and I said to myself “She must be suffering, that pain of not being at home anymore must be somewhere.” But I never saw it anywhere. And then, I saw where it was. And then Nina said again: “Now, that’s enough. If you’re going to be like that, I don’t want you to come here.” And I said, still sobbing: “OK, but I don’t want to drive when I’m crying like this.”

Lou
And just about then, I ran into the room.

Jess
I remember, you stayed at the door, like you didn’t dare come in, and you called out: “Nina, Nina!” and mom made sure I was staying quiet.

Lou
Why that little cheat, that little…

Jess
Coyote!

Lou
Coyote! I didn’t know that!
Jess
Oh yeah. You came forward and tore the bed curtain aside.

Lou
And there was Nina, eating her English muffin with an inch of butter melting on top.

Jess
By then, who cared about cholesterol?

Lou
And then I said (starts laughing)…

Jess
(also laughing) you said, oh Nina, oh Nina…

Lou
I said: “Oh, Nina, when you didn’t answer the second time, I rushed right over here, I rushed over here, I was so afraid…”

Jess
And mom says: “You thought I was dead…heh, heh, heh…”

Lou
Oh, Nina, I called once and wasn’t worried, because sometimes you don’t answer. But I called again and still no answer…I just flew down here, it’s lucky there wasn’t an accident. (Pause) Well, I need to get going, Jess. Sorry to throw you out, but I want to catch up on a few things before that meeting.

Jess
Hey you‘ve been good to give me this much time. (Kisses Lou) Bye, sweetheart.
Lou
Bye, Jess (Jess exits. Lou turns to her desk.)

Scene 5

(Jess and Lou in Lou’s office.)

Jess
You’re out of chocolates today. You said you had lots here, when I called to say I was coming over.

Lou
Yeah, I did some stress eating I guess, I cleaned out my own stock. My stomach is killing me, too.

Jess
Want some Tums?

Lou
No, no, I’ll be OK. So the second meeting was just as good as the first?

Jess
Oh, yes.

Lou
So now I have an aunt Mariah that I never knew I had.

Jess
Yes, we have a new member of the family. I like her, I like her very much.

Lou
Are you going to see her again soon?

Jess
I’d like to meet the family and her friends, I’d like that.

Lou
That’ll be nice.

Jess
It’s just…It’s not that I’m shy, it’s not that, it’s the fact that, I don’t know, I think of Nina, and I feel, I don’t know, a little badly that I like Mariah so much.

Lou
Are you worried that liking Mariah and having a relationship with her is somehow making less of your mom?

Jess
Part of me says “Oh, there’s no problem, my mother was Nina, this is just Mariah, but another part of me, the one that really likes Mariah…

Lou
I guess it might feel a little, I don’t know, disloyal or something.

Jess
A little.

Lou
Did I ever tell you what Nina said about all this?

Jess
You and mom talked about this?

Lou
Well, yes, when she made me promise to help you. (They both laugh.) I asked her about this, and whether she didn’t feel threatened, you know. And she said that she had found out for sure she couldn’t have children about a month before the adoption agency called with you. And she said to me: “I can’t forget that woman, whose beautiful daughter I now have. But don’t you worry if she likes that other woman. And she laughed and said: “my daughter has a heart big enough to love two of us.”

Jess
That’s beautiful.

Lou
Nina was beautiful, inside and out.

Jess
And now, well, I’ve got a heart big enough to love one more. (She pats her own belly.)

Lou
You’re patting your belly again. (Lou’s demeanor changes.) What are you doing, scratching yourself? Do you have a rash or something?

Jess
Look, I better go. I’ll call you soon.

Lou
Yes, I better go, I’m late as it is. Let me walk you out.

Jess
She wants to meet you, you know.

Lou
Who?

Jess
Mariah, of course.

Lou
Great, more happy moments for everyone but me.

Jess
What do you mean?

Lou
The last time you did that (pats her belly)…

Jess
Did what?

Lou
(pats her belly again) Did THAT… you were expecting Stevie.

Jess
No, no, I’ve got a rash. Anyway, even if I was pregnant, I wouldn’t tell you. You don’t like kids. Not like Mariah, she kissed Stevie’s picture, you know. Oh, Lou, I’m sure you’ll like her.

Lou
Well, lots of time for that. You two get to know each other first. I might need some time myself.

Jess
Thanks for everything, eh? (Exit Jess.)

Scene 6

(Lou’s working at her desk. Jess comes in.)

Lou
Jess, great to see you (they kiss). Did you bring your lunch?

Jess
Sure. Egg salad sandwiches, your favorite.

Lou
You spoil me. (They unwrap the lunch and start to eat.)

Jess
Mariah’s going to throw a party for me, you know, when I go to see her in Nova Scotia.

Lou

She is?

Jess
Yes, she said that she wanted everyone to meet me, she wants to introduce me to her family and to her friends.

Lou
Are you happy about that?

Jess
Well, of course I am.

Lou
Well, if you’re happy, I’m happy.

Jess
Thanks for the ringing endorsement.

Lou
Well…

Jess
I don’t suppose you want to come out with me.

Lou
No, I don’t think so.

Jess
You could at least pretend that you wanted to, but couldn’t.

Lou
Jess, I’d feel out of place there.

Jess
But it’s a big family, Mariah has three sisters, and lots of children and everything.

Lou
Great, more happy moments for everyone but me.

Jess
You could at least play with the children if you don’t want to talk to the adults.

Lou
I don’t want to do this, Jess, it’s not what I want to do.

Jess
Can’t you at least consider it?

Lou
Just tell them that work keeps me her.

Jess
(meanly) Yes, the devoted social worker. The social worker who hates kids.

Lou
What?

Jess
That’s what they call you, the social worker who hates kids.

Lou
Why do they call me that, I love kids.

Jess
Is that why you never touch them? Is that why you make that face (makes a face) when you do?

Lou
Jess, please.

Jess
You love them, but you never hold them, I don’t think you touch them if you can avoid it.

Lou
Well, I work on reuniting adopted children with their parents, you know, everybody is an adult.

Jess
This is a small town, and everybody knows everything, and they gave you that because you were good with adults, good with the paperwork, good for everyone and everything at the agency, but you didn’t like kids.

Lou
Oh, Oh. I do, I do love children.

Jess
Forgive me, oh, I’m sorry, Lou.

Lou
So what are we going to do about this?

Jess
Let’s just leave it. I’ll go. You just never mind. (Jess exits. Lou sits staring into space.)

Scene 7

(Jess knocks on the door to Lou’s office or apartment. Lou answers.)

Lou
Jess, what are you doing here, I thought you were meeting Mariah again tonight.

Jess
I am, I have, oh Lou, she’s so wonderful.

Lou
Well, I don’t need to ask how it went, you look radiant, Jess. I’m really happy for you.

Jess
She’s great, she’s great, oh Lou, you’ll love meeting her!

Lou
I’m sure I will, you just need to give me a little time. I like to take my time about these things, you know me.

Jess
Oh, come on, Lou, I brought her, she’s right downstairs, in the car.

Lou
What, now? You never said it would be today, what are you thinking?

Jess
I just want you to meet her as soon as possible. What could be better?

Lou
You brought her here, without checking with me first?

Jess
Yes, I just told you, she’s just downstairs.

Lou
Jess, how could you? This is a really big deal to me.

Jess
I know, but it’s also great!

Lou
This is not a good time, I’m busy.

Jess
Oh what could be more important right now? She’s here, and she’d love to meet you, I told her all the work I did!

Lou
Not that you listed to me…

Jess
Lou, come one, she’s waiting, come and meet her…(Jess grabs Lou’s arm.)

Lou
No, let me go, I don’t want to.

Jess
Come on, sure you do.

Lou
Leave it, Jess, I’m warning you.

Jess
But she’s right here, oh what is wrong with you, Lou?

Lou
Nothing is wrong, I just think all this is moving too fast…

Jess
Well, if it’s not moving too fast for me, or for Mariah, why is it moving too fast for you?

Lou
I need a little time…

Jess
Oh, you just don’t know what it’s like to have a mother you like, and you can’t stand it because I have two, and you didn’t even have one.

Lou
I had a mother, and she loved me.

Jess
Oh yeah, well, why did she treat you so badly. I mean, one time when we were kids, there was only one stick of gum left, and she turned to you and said “There’s only one stick of gum.” And you said “Take it.” And she did.

Lou
Wasn’t that a big deal.

Jess
Well, she was like that all the time, I hated her.

Lou
Yes, she beat me and didn’t like me. But she was sick. Jess. She was sick, OK? She was a manic depressive, and on top of that she had been sexually abused as a little girl.

Jess
I didn’t know that.

Lou
Yeah, well, there’s a lot you don’t know. When she was on medication, she wouldn’t know me sometimes. Sometimes, she didn’t know anybody. She’d call me by some other name or hallucinate, and when I asked my father about it, he didn’t say anything, nobody said anything because they wanted to protect me. So go off with Mariah, with your happy memories of Nina, and start fresh. And think what it’s like for me to see that. And think what it’s like for me to see Mariah, flushed with happiness at finding her daughter again, like a miracle, because Nina was so generous and wonderful as to want it, when I never can.

Jess
YOU never can? What do you mean? What are you talking about?

Lou
Never mind, Jess. I misspoke. Now I need to calm down.

Jess
Lou, I just wanted this to be perfect.

Lou
Of course, Jess, of course you did. Just go, ok, just go, tell Mariah that I’ll meet her some other time.

Jess
Lou, for Christ sake’s, Mariah is part of my family. And you’re going to have to live with it. Especially now, with the baby…

Lou
You’re having a baby. I knew it. Why didn’t you tell me the other day?

Jess
I knew you’d be upset, call me psychic (Lou snorts), and I wasn’t sure yet. Lou, I want that baby to have a real aunt, an aunt that picks her up and comes to play with her and tells her she loves her, and I want that aunt to be you.

Lou
Well, not me. You said so yourself. I hate families, I hate kids, my mother hated the sight of me. I’ll all alone now. Don’t bother about me. Just leave.

Jess
You’re just unnatural, that’s all. My babies have no aunt. This baby here (pats her stomach) has no aunt.

Lou
You are going to regret this, someday, Jess. Just leave, ok? Just get out now.

Jess
Lou, please, I don’t want to leave you like this. I’m sorry for what I said.

Lou
Just go, just go, just leave me alone. (closes the door in Jess’s face.)

Lou
(slumps on a chair) Oh God. What am I going to do now? (Holds her head in her hands.)
Act III Jess

Scene 1
(Hospital room, Jess in bed, visibly pregnant. Lou comes in. )

Jess
Lou, I’ve been expecting you since Jeb told me he called you. (Jess holds out her hands to Lou, who takes them in hers.) How are you, Lou? Good to see you.

Lou
I should ask you that. Look at you. How are you doing?

Jess
Not too bad, all things considered. Big as a house. A beached whale. The food is bad. I’m tired. I had a bad night. I’m constipated. Funny even though I have to have complete bed rest, I still feel tired.

Lou
I bet it’s not the moving around that’s tiring you. I bet it’s the lying around.

Jess
Not my usual lifestyle.

Lou
Well, I can’t imagine what it must be like, how you must feel.

Jess
Can’t you?

Lou
Not really. I mean, do you remember how much weight I gained when I was a teenager?

Jess
Well, sure.

Lou
I felt really bloated and clumsy for a while. You know, ungainly.

Jess
But you can’t compare the two.

Lou
No, I guess not, in a way. (Pause) Actually, Jess, more than you think. There’s something I want to tell you. I need to clear this up before we have yet another fight.

Jess
You have your serious face on, Lou. Can we put it off? I’m just happy to see you. Let’s talk about something fun, you’re looking so serious. You look like a black cloud.

Lou
(Sighs) Hmm… Oh, all right, if you want. Do you remember that round of golf you played the day you went into labor?

Jess
(Laughs) Yes, Yes, I do. God, that feels like a million years ago.

Lou
And how about when you went to see the loan officer when you were pregnant out to here (Lou gestures), so he’d feel sorry for you…

Jess
Oh, oh, that’ right. (Laughs) He sure bent the rules for me, he must have thought I was going to pope the baby out right there in front of him, I was so huge. (They both laugh.) But it worked!

Lou
Sure it did! You are shameless, my dear.

Jess
(Laughs) I sure am. Look, it’s so good to see you.

Lou
Well, life is too short for us to be spitting nails at each other. How long has it been?

Jess
Three months!

Lou
More like five months!

Jess
That’s a long time for us!

Lou
Well, I’ve been here five minutes, and that’s a long time for us not to have a fight, you mean! Do you feel worse lately?

Jess
No, it’s just insomnia, you know, racing thoughts at 3 a.m., it’s the worry, and this medication keeps me awake a little bit… So I have far too much time to think.

Lou
I can’t imagine you’re thinking light-hearted thoughts if it’s 3 a.m.

Jess
No, my dear, I don’t. I was thinking about you last night.

Lou
Waste of time, Jess. You should be thinking about your baby, not me.

Jess
I was thinking about how you changed when you were about fourteen years old. I mean, you were like a one of those fairy bugs that dance on the water, you were so light on your feet, so graceful. Really. I can see you don’t believe me.

Lou
No, I don’t.

Jess
That summer, we went camping, remember, and I taught you to play cards? Well, other women would come to your mother after seeing you running along the beach, and they would say to your mother “Is that your little girl? Why, she’s like an angel, running along the sand.” And then, the next time I saw you, at your birthday once summer was over, you were running into door jambs and tripping over your own feet.

Lou
I must have been at that awkward stage, Jess.

Jess
No, no, it was something else. And then your mother spoke with mom, and I overheard them talking. She said once “All this talk about sexual abuse, you know, it worries me. I mean, Lou is so beautiful.”

Lou
Mother said that?

Jess
Yes. I was a fool not to see what was right it front of my eyes.

Lou
Why are we even talking about any of this?

Jess
Well, it’s not just for the baby that I’m laid up in the hospital, it’s my blood pressure that is so damn high. What if I have a stroke, Lou? That’s what everybody is afraid of? What if I die, or I can’t speak, and we never have to talk about it. You know it and I know it, and I want to settle things. I figured out what it was that happened to you.

Lou
It was a long time ago, Jess. Nobody spoke about things like that then.

Jess
So, who was it? It had to be a stranger. Who was it that abused you? A neighbor? One of Mickey’s friends, a teacher, a priest?

Lou
A priest! That would be fashionable. No, Jess, it sure wasn’t the hockey coach.

Jess
Well, who, then? I mean, your mother was so protective of you, I’m amazed who had a chance to even get at you. Who was it? (Lou turns away and says nothing.) Not… Don’t tell me… Not…your father? Was it uncle John? Your own father? (Lou turns and nods.) Oh no, oh no, not him…

Lou
Whatever you do, don’t get too upset, Jess. Jeb will have my head if your blood pressure spikes.

Jess
I’m jack full of pills, don’t worry about that.

Lou
Just take it easy. It was all a long time ago.

Jess
What can I do, what can I do to make it up to you?

Lou
You don’t need to make it up to me. Anyway, nobody can. It’s not your fault. Nobody helped me. In my whole childhood, Nina was the only one who ever tried to help me.

Jess
So that’s why she kept saying to me: “I didn’t do enough, I didn’t do enough, none of us did.”

Lou
Nina, of all people, didn’t do enough? If I had known what would happen, I’d have stayed with her and never gone home again.

Jess
Did mother know who it was?

Lou
No. No, I don’t think so.

Jess
Oh, Lou.

Lou
But Nina tried, you know, when no one else did, and I’ll always be grateful. It showed me at least that the rest of the world wasn’t such a bad place after all. It gave me hope for the future, even if it took the damnedest long time to get there. I thanked her, you know, for showing me it is always possible to live graciously, to live with generosity, to have adventures in life… That’s far more important than anything else.

Jess
It didn’t make you suffer any less, Lou.

Lou
No. It was awful. And it got worse -- it was like living in jail with a bunch of sick people always torturing me. But Nina, Nina taught me to hope, let me believe there was something beyond my dungeon.

Jess
How did she do that?

Lou
She didn’t get mad at me when I broke all your windows. In fact, she never got mad at me at all. Do you remember your dad’s pipes?

Jess
You mean, when he still smoked, those pipes he had collected from all over the world?

Lou
Those ones. I remember one with the big white bowl, like you see old Dutchmen use in movies.

Jess
Yes, he used to keep them on a side table in the living room, on a little stand.

Lou
Yes, they stood up like little toy soldiers. Well, Nina must have told me ten times not to touch them.

Jess
Dad had a thing about those pipes.

Lou
After what happened, no wonder! She told me and told me and told me. And guess what happened?

Jess
What were you, maybe eight years old? Of course you touched them. All children are curious, natural explorers. Mom always said you were more adventurous and curious than most. Even more than Stevie.

Lou
That’s exactly right, I picked up the one with the big white bowl and I dropped it, and I broke it.

Jess
You make it sound like you were always smashing things.

Lou
It’s what I remember most, because she didn’t get mad.

Jess
She didn’t? What did she do?

Lou
She just looked at me, and sighed.

Jess
Well, what are children? It would be terrible to smother a child’s curiosity, and you were always curious, you always liked to go off by yourself and explore things. Mom told me you climbed that hill behind the house I don’t know how many times.

Lou
Do you remember that ratty old night shirt I was so fond of?

Jess
God, yes, Mom kept sowing it up but the seams kept giving out anyway…

Lou
I used to insist on wearing panties to bed with it, too.

Jess
Yes, there was always a lot of underwear to wash on your visits! It’s not like you were a bed wetter or anything…

Lou
Wearing bottoms to bed, with my favorite nightie, I used to think it would protect me. And, at your house, it did protect me.

Jess
I’m sorry we didn’t have you all the time, Lou. Did you know Mom was the one who nicknamed you?

Lou
No, I didn’t. I knew I was Louise, but no one calls me that. (Jess yawns.) Look, I have to go, I’ll be back tomorrow.

Jess
Will you really come to see me? Oh, Lou, I’d love that.

Lou
You really want my company?

Jess
Jeb almost killed me when I told him about our fight, and I didn’t even tell him the worse part!

Lou
I bet you didn’t. (Smiles.)

Jess
I know I’m changing the subject. I just can’t stand to talk about it for too long.

Lou
What you’ve said has already lifted a big weight off my heart.

Jess
I hope so. (Pats Lou’s hand.)

Jess
I need to ask you to do something for me, that’s why I called you.

Lou
What is it?

Jess
No, no, it’ll keep. I’ll ask you tomorrow, it’s very important, but I want to be sure you’ll come back.

Lou
Of course I’ll come back, you’re too sick…

Jess
Is that really why you’re here?

Lou
Well, I’d rather nurse a grudge a bit longer, but with you in such dire straits… Jess, I have something to tell you.

Jess
How about we save it for tomorrow.

Lou
Are you trying to make sure I come back tomorrow?

Jess
Maybe. Anyway, I have something to ask of you tomorrow.

Lou
You’ll go first, hon, you’re the sick one.

Jess
I’ll be fine, it’s the doctors that wanted to give me an abortion ‘to save my life’.

Lou
You didn’t want one?

Jess
Everyone told me I could just try again, but I said: “Babies don’t always come just because you want them to…”

Lou
Isn’t that the truth…

Jess
You understand?

Lou
I think so.

Jess
You should know, my dear, in your line of work.

Lou
All this will keep, Jess. I’ll see you tomorrow.

Jess
Give me a hug. (They hug.)

Lou
Bye, bye, see you tomorrow.

Jess
See you tomorrow.

Scene 2

(Jess is sitting in bed, restless and bored. Enter Lou.)

Lou
How are you today, Jess?

Jess
Oh, thank God you’re here. I’m bored as hell, what about you?

Lou
I’ve been anticipating our little talk, to tell you the truth. Did you sleep OK?

Jess
I think my feet are swelling. Can you check? I can’t see.

Lou
Surely the nurses are keeping an eye on you. (checks the feet) Look fine to me.

Jess
Can’t even see my own feet, damn it!

Lou
Do the doctors know who long you’ll have to stay put?

Jess
Looks like until I come to term.

Lou
This is going to be really hard for you.

Jess
For me, it’s all for the baby, but there’s Jeb and Stevie, it’s been really hard on Stevie, and I miss him the most. Don’t tell Jeb, he’s jealous enough as it is…

Lou
Jealous! That’s not that mature a reaction.

Jess
I guess saying ‘protective’ is more like it, some male thing…

Lou
I’m really sorry that all this has happened. How was your first pregnancy? I don’t remember any problems…

Jess
Textbook. I felt great throughout.

Lou
You can never tell, I guess. (Pause) OK, let’s get down to the big stuff. You go first, you had something to ask me.

Jess
Yes. Mariah’s mother is really sick.

Lou
I’m sorry to hear that. Is that why she’s not here? How old is her mother?

Jess
Nona is 88, and she’s had heart problems before, but now, well her one valve isn’t working, and the other valves are damaged from the stress. But actually, given what’s going on, I didn’t tell Mariah.

Lou
You didn’t tell Mariah what?

Jess
I didn’t tell Mariah that I was sick. I mean, that I was in the hospital and all that.

Lou
You didn’t tell her? Are you kidding?

Jess
Well, she is really worried sick already, you know?

Lou
I know, but for her not to know at all. I mean you have to give her a chance.

Jess
Give her a chance?

Lou
Sweetheart, the woman has missed everything but the first week of your life. She needs to be able to at least decide for herself what to do.

Jess
Oh, I’m sparing her all that trouble.

Lou
All that trouble is exactly the reason why she wanted to come back into your life.

Jess
Do you think?

Lou
Absolutely. (Pause) Look, at least think about it.

Jess
Yeah, yeah, sure.

Lou
Anyway, getting back to her mother…They can’t operate?

Jess
No, she wouldn’t survive. So it’s rest and medication.

Lou
Sound familiar?

Jess
(Laughs) Yeah! So I wanted to ask you, Lou, if she dies before I’m out of here, would you go?

Lou
What, to your grandmother’s funeral?

Jess
Yes. I’d like there to be someone from our side of the family.

Lou
Wow. (Pause) Of course. Well, if you want me to, of course I will.

Jess
If it’s the money…

Lou
No, no, that’s fine, it’s not the money at all. I ‘ll go. I’ll get in touch with Mariah, and see if she needs anything.

Jess
Thanks, Lou, you’re always there for me.

Lou
Well, not always.

Jess
It’s been a long time since we had a fight, a whole day. We’re getting better. (Fondles her own belly.)

Lou
Wonders never cease. I’m really happy for you and Jeb. I just wish you didn’t have to stay put for so long.

Jess
It’s driving me crazy!

Lou
I bet it is! I’m really happy for Mariah, too. You know, she really loves you so much, she’s a different person when you are in the room with her. And she has a chance to bee with you for her second grandchild, at least…how wonderful for everyone!

Jess
When Jeb called you last week, did he mention we got the results of the ultrasound? (Fondles her own belly.)

Lou
She mentioned you were having one.

Jess
Yes, we found out yesterday.

Lou
Everything is fine?

Jess
Oh, yes, really healthy, both of us. (Fondles her own belly.)

Lou
Oh stop that, why don’t you? (Laughing, fondles her own belly.)

Jess
I know, I can’t stop doing that since I’ve known, it’s so ridiculous!

Lou
Not at all ridiculous, Jess, it’s sweet, really.

Jess
Didn’t you ever want to have any children?

Lou
And did you want to know the gender?

Jess
Yes, we decided we did. We are so excited… It’s another boy!

Lou
(Slight pause) Wonderful, a matched set. And who knows? Ultrasounds are sometimes wrong about that…

Jess
Well, the genetic stuff confirm it, it’s a boy!

Lou
Ok, well, right now, just enjoy everything and take your time, take good care of yourself. (She gets up to leave.) I don’t want to tire you out.

Jess
Now I can tell I’ve done something again. Come on, out with it!

Lou
(Pause) you’re right, we need to have a long talk. OK, so we’ll have one. How about I come early on Saturday, before Jeb gets here, when I’m more rested.

Jess
Deal. You know where to find me.

Lou
I do. (Kisses her goodbye) See ya!

Jess
Come back again soon! (Lou starts to walk out, stops almost at the edge of the stage, Lou stops and fondles her own belly the way Jess has been doing. Lou exits.) That went over like a lead balloon! What is it with her? (Looks like she got an important insight.)

Scene 3

(Jess in hospital bed. Enter Lou)

Jess
Lou, hey, look over here, I’m over here.

Lou
(Laughs) There you are, I was looking for you. I hardly knew where to look! You’ve changed since I last saw you. (kisses Jess) Do I detect a change in your figure?

Jess
(Laughing) Is it noticeable yet?

Lou
A bit. Maybe that nightie makes you look a little bit fat!

Jess
(laughing) Does it? Christ, Lou, I’m as big as a house.

Lou
Of course, I wasn’t sure. This isn’t the kid of thing you want to bring up if it’s just a weight gain.

Jess
(Laughing) Stop, my sides are beginning to hurt. You have my mom’s sense of humour. Gosh, it’s good to see you.

Lou
I was only away three days, all the way to Newfoundland, that’s not very long.

Jess
I know, but in those three little days, I even had to go out of town for tests.

Lou
You are going to be OK, aren’t you?

Jess
Oh, for sure.

Lou
You are going to be able to have the baby here, at least?

Jess
I just found out they want me to have it at the big smoke

Lou
Oh, my God, Jess, what about Stevie?

Jess
That was my first thought, too.

Lou
How is the stress for you?

Jess
It’s OK so far, but I’m starting to wonder. I’m just focusing on one day at a time.

Lou
And to think the stress is bad for your blood pressure…How are you for money?

Jess
Well, Jeb makes a lot of money in the spring, so we just need to hang on until then.

Lou
How much longer before you have the baby?

Jess
Well, I’m about 31 weeks now, and they just want to get me to 34 weeks.

Lou
Just three more weeks, then.

Jess
It already feels like forever!

Lou
But just think, this will soon all be over and then you’ll have a beautiful baby boy for the rest of your life.

Jess
That’s what everyone says, but I’m so bored and so worried at the same time. This doesn’t make any sense, does it?

Lou
Are you looking at a cesarean, or will you be induced?

Jess
Don’t know yet. All I know now is that I have to get steroid injections so that the baby’s lungs can develop.

Lou
I thought you didn’t want to know the gender.

Jess
I didn’t, but Jeb wanted to know what to do about hockey equipment.

Lou
Hockey equipment? That’s what he’s worried about right now?

Jess
I guess it’s something he can control. (Pause) Do you remember that nurse from Weygarth, you know, the one with red and green streaks in her hair?

Lou
Sure

Jess
Well she’s here, she came by.

Lou
Was she the one who came by the room after Nina died, and said: “Your mother told me I had nice hair.”

Jess
And then burst into tears? That’s the one.

Lou
Well, that was nice of her.

Jess
I guess mom really was a favorite patient

Lou
She was, and I know why.

Jess
Oh really?

Lou
Yes, because she was at peace with herself, that’s what everyone was attracted to.

Jess
Well, count the two of us out.

Lou
(Laughs) I guess so.

Jess
But I was very lucky to have such a great mother.

Lou
And you’ve been very lucky twice, with Mariah being such a great person.

Jess
Yes, do you know, she often talks about what she owes mother.

Lou
I can see that.

Jess
Mariah often talks about how generous mom was to encourage me to look for her, and how because of that we found each other maybe years earlier than we otherwise would have.

Lou
If Nina hadn’t talked about it, do you think you would have looked for Mariah?

Jess
Probably, but I sure wasn’t thinking about it when mom brought it up. Plus with the children and all that, I don’t think I’d have taken the time just yet. Mariah is right, it would have been years later. But look, I spoke to Mariah this morning. Thank you for going to the funeral. It meant a lot to her.

Lou
It was nothing, my dear Jess, I’m glad I could do it. Everybody asked about you, you know.

Jess
Did they? After that big party where I met the cousins, and the friends and the grandmother, I felt like I was part of a big family.

Lou
You are, and you are lucky to have all of them, just like Mariah is lucky to have you.

Jess
So who did you talk to?

Lou
Really, I spent my time introducing myself, first at the visitation, and then at the wake.

Jess
Were there lots of people?

Lou
The church was packed, and the hall was full after the funeral. So yes, lots, even more than for Nina.

Jess
I suppose in a small town like that, everyone turns out.

Lou
I talked to Mariah’s friend, another nurse, a brunette, called Donna.

Jess
Oh, yes Donna. Mariah and her went to nursing school together.

Lou
Did Mariah tell you, she and Donna still worked together when she had you?

Jess
Was it Donna? No, I can’t say that I knew that, although Mariah told me she had a friend that helped her decide.

Lou
Yes, Donna is wonderful. She said she worried about Mariah for the rest of her life until you found each other.

Jess
I’m so glad Mariah had someone there for her.

Lou
Donna said that Mariah couldn’t bear to talk about it at all until you came back, that she would just stay in touch and see how Mariah was doing. But Mariah never married, never spoke of having children.

Jess
Amazing, huh?

Lou
I think it’s actually kind of understandable…

Jess
Really!

Lou
Yeah. It would be something so painful, so hard that she couldn’t bear to talk about it.

Jess
Now, who do you know would react like that?

Lou
I would. In fact, I know that I do.

Jess
Oh Lou, don’t look like you’ve got lots of big dark secrets you can bear to mention!

Lou
And what if I did?

Jess
What do you mean? What are you talking about? Out with it! I’m on to you, Lou. Is there something you’ve been trying to bring up, and I’ve been my usual dumb self-centered self?

Lou
I promised you a talk early on a Saturday. That’s when I’m going to do it.

Jess
Why on a Saturday.

Lou
Because I always went to Nina’s on Saturday mornings. Saturday mornings bring me luck.

Jess
So how about next Saturday.

Lou
Deal.

Jess
Deal.

Scene 4

(Jess in a chair, bassinette in the room, early morning)

Jess
Lou, Jeez, what are you doing here so early, it’s not even 7 yet.

Lou
I know, but we had a date.

Jess
An my having the baby can’t interfere with our little date? You slay me, you really do. (They laugh.) Sush, sush, let’s not talk too loudly, huh, he’s asleep.

Lou
Do you want to have a talk?

Jess
Of course, you’re here, I’m all ears. It’s just (gestures towards bassinette) we may be interrupted. Do you want to yourself a cup of coffee from the kitchen.

Lou
Who cares about coffee, Jess.

Jess
Ok, shoot, hon.

Lou
When I woke up from this dream I said to myself…

Jess
Self.

Lou
(laughs softly) This is hard to say, Jess. Don’t go interrupting me pointlessly like that!

Jess
I’m all ears.

Lou
Well, uh, hmm…I just… It’s like…

Jess
Well, uh, humm. Aaah, ooh, (starts to chant) om, manipadme om. (Lou laughs) Lou, I think I know what you’re going to say.

Lou
Let me start, let me try to start. I want to tell you about this dream I had.

Jess
When?

Lou
About three months ago.

Jess
When we weren’t speaking.

Lou
That’s right. I dreamt that I was at your old house, when you were a kid.

Jess
Mom’s old house.

Lou
That’s right. I dreamt that you and Jeb had come to visit me without Stevie, for a whole week. And at the end of the dream, I told you and Jeb why it was that I never saw you at your own house any more. And then I said to myself: “Why was I with Jess and Jeb at Nina’s house?”

Jess
Really. Why was I visiting you at mom’s old house? Shouldn’t it have been the other way around?

Lou
Exactly. And I know still am wondering.

Jess
Isn’t it obvious?

Lou
Well, no, Jess, it isn’t.

Jess
You were never jealous of me…

Lou
Sure, I was!

Jess
No, you weren’t, not really. It’s just that, when you look at me, you say to yourself: “Jess doesn’t have any of the scars I have. Jess is free of the scars I might have avoided if I went and stayed with Nina.”

Lou
(Breathes in sharply) That’s it, that’s exactly right. I see you with your lack of pretension, with your happy marriage, with your unaffected warmth with people, and I say to myself…

Jess
Self…

Lou
(Laughing) I say to myself: “There goes who I might have been, what I might have been.”

Jess
But you went to university, you became a social worker, you work with kids that want to be reunited with their birth parents, what could be better? I barely managed high school, and now I just stay at home…

Lou
Oh, Jess! Since when do we count success as parents by how much higher education anybody gets. My poor parents, they did the best they could, they were the walking wounded, but they should never have had children to look after…My brother and I both have master’s degrees, and so what? Who cares? You, you understand that people are what matter most, you have true respect and value for people, you’ve always known what I had to learn the hard way…

Jess
But you turned out well.

Lou
Yes, I am successful, but I carry this burden inside.

Jess
So what did Mom’s house have to do with anything?

Lou
That’s just it, I can’t figure it out!

Jess
When you see Jess, you see what you might have been…

Lou
Yes, and I see, oh God, I see that my baby might have seen the light of day.

Jess
You were pregnant.

Lou
Yes.

Jess
By your father (Lou nods slowly). Oh no, no…

Lou
When I woke up after the dream, I started thinking about Mariah, about the fact that she found you after thirty years or something, and that I never can find my baby ever again. It’s a miracle, I understand that, that Mariah found you, a miracle made possible by your own mother.

Jess
Oh, Lou, it happens every day…

Lou
No, it doesn’t, and I should know better than anyone. But I will never have that miracle happen, you know, never.

Jess
Don’t torture yourself this way.

Lou
It’s not torture, Jess. It’s funny, but I feel like I’m roomier inside for having told you. I finally reached the stage where talking helps, after all these years. I can never find my boy the way that Mariah found you. That can never happen to my little Stevie.

Jess
Stevie! Oh my God!

Lou
That’s why it’s always been my favorite name, Jess. I had given him a name, you know, because he is dead, dead. I killed him, I had an abortion.

Jess
Lou, you have every right to choose.

Lou
I know I did, and I fight for the right to choose of every woman, because I know, better than anyone else, that you never know to what a woman might be driven. (Pause) I wasn’t just raped, I wasn’t just pregnant when I didn’t want to be -- I don’t think I’d choose to have children, you know – but when I was pregnant and wanted to have the baby, I was forced to have an abortion, an illegal abortion in the worst circumstances.
When Mum told me she was marking my periods on the calendar…

Jess
She knew! She knew and she did nothing about it, she did nothing to stop it!

Lou
She was too sick, she was much too sick. She was completely disabled. And she had been pregnant herself when she didn’t want to be.

Jess
How do you know?

Lou
Remember the clothes hanger? (Jess gasps) Once I was sure I was pregnant, I came to accept it. All I wanted, Jess, was someone to love and to be loved back. I was confused, maybe, but that’s all I could think about. At last I’ll have someone to love. And I picked out a name – I was sure it was a boy…

Jess
I was sure as well, even before the ultrasound came back…

Lou
And I used to rock myself in the rocking chair, I was rocking my baby. But then mother got so bad…

Jess
That was when she hid those knives?

Lou
All of a sudden, she just got so violent from the thorazine, and didn’t know who anybody was. She was in one of her bad periods, and she’d wake up in the morning and not know who I was, who any of us were, Mickey or anyone. And then, after I was pregnant, she’d come to my bedroom in the middle of night, and curse at me.

Jess
Heaven forbid…

Lou
(Starts to act it out – stands up, leans over the bed, speaks in an unearthly growl.) If you don’t get rid of that baby, I’m going to cut it out of you.

Jess
What a nightmare.

Lou
I mean she had these great big long Swiss or German knives hidden somewhere, and she came and threatened to cut my stomach open and chop up the baby…

Jess
If you didn’t have an abortion.

Lou
If I didn’t get an abortion.

Jess
It all makes sense to me now. You know why she forced you to have it, don’t you?

Lou
Tragically, she made me do what she had so desperately wanted to do herself, but never did. She was desperate for me never to have been born.

Jess
And when was this, 1975? Before it was legal?

Lou
That’s right, 1976, and abortion wasn’t legal yet. (Pause) I didn’t run away, I had no money, I would have wound up on the streets. Even if I had, the police or the doctors would force me to have an abortion anyway…

Jess
You really didn’t want an abortion under any circumstances.

Lou
But I didn’t think I would be able to live long enough to have the baby. My mother threatened me, and I believed her completely.

Jess
Everyone protecting your mother just made sure you were trapped.

Lou
All that ever happened was that I got locked up a little tighter.

Jess
When mom offered, you should have jumped at the chance.

Lou
If I had only know, I would have. But then, there was Mickey…

Jess
Some 9 year old children can be really unselfish. And some mothers kill their own children to protect them.

Lou
And then I dreamt of Nina.

Jess
You dreamt of mother?

Lou
Yes She was like just a soul, without a body, in my dream, and she said to me: “Come here, there is someone I want you to meet.” And she take me by the hand and we sort of float away and then, I see him.

Jess
Who?

Lou
My son. And suddenly Nina is holding him, she’s holding my baby and she says to me: “Here he is.” Only I’m afraid to hold him, because I think it’s going to hurt. Only Nina says: “Don’t worry, it won’t hurt.” So I take him in my arms, and she’s right, no hurt. And I say to Nina: “I didn’t realize that you were so close to him.” And Nina said: “Oh yes, first you protected him, and now I protect him for you.” (looks at Jess) Because that’s what I was doing, I was trying to protect him, I thought it would be better to have an abortion than to have him be cut right out of me.

Jess
You didn’t even have to say it, I knew. Remember the cricket?

Lou
The cricket? What are you talking about?

Jess
(Laughs) Don’t you remember? One summer when I was playing outside, I found a cricket who was trying to climb a blade of grass. I kept pouring a little water on it so it would slide back down and have to climb again.

Lou
I remember being so mad about that, for being unfair to the cricket, not that you had even thought that far…

Jess
You, my golden Lou who could do no wrong, the defender of every underdog, you got very upset over that. How could ever had chosen to kill anything, anyone, of your own free choice?
Lou
So you understand?

Jess
Yes, Lou, I understand. Your body was raped and then betrayed you, and then your respect for life was raped, and betrayed you. (Pause) you’ve carried this burden all alone, all these years. But you can set it down now. I’m here for you.

Lou
All I’ve done is fumble in the dark.

Jess
But you’re beautiful, Lou. Just like mom was, with the truth ever dawning in your eyes.

Lou
So long as you understand now.

Jess
So what next?

Lou
For me? On with my career as the poster child.

Jess
Yeah, but for which side, life or choice? (They both laugh. Sounds of a baby waking up.) Listen, listen. Little Lou is waking up

Lou
I’m so jealous I could die.

Jess
No need, Big Lou, no need. Come close, come and look.

Lou
(comes to bassinette) Why, he looks like a rosebud.

Jess
Great, they’ll call him rose in the school yard.

Lou
No, they’ll call him Bud.

Jess
I want you to be his godmother, you know. And in case it’s not obvious, I named him after you.

Lou
But why?

Jess
I figured out you had been pregnant after our last visit. And I knew something terrible had happened. And I want my son to have your courage. So will you, will you be his godmother?

Lou
Well, of course, if you ask me.

Jess
At the christening, you know, you’ll have to hold him for me.

Lou
(shrinks back) Will I?

Jess
Do you want to hold him?

Lou
(Bending forward) Look at his lashes, look at his nails. (Baby sounds) Oh, oh, he’s awake. He’s got your eyes, Jess.

Jess
How can you even tell. (Baby sounds again.) Oh, quick, pick him up before he cries!

Lou
Should I?

Jess
Go on, you can do it.

Lou
(Slowly, Lou picking him up, sings) Hush, little baby, don’t you cry…

2007-03-20T16:34:00.001-07:00

This is the sister page to the Big Read, where I plan to share my thoughts on my current writing. It has a simple diary format. Like Graham Greene and Larry McMurtry, I write on the quota system, five pages a day. When I'm editing, I edit ten pages a day. Usually I only write/edit four or five days a week. I have fallow periods, of course, but not lately. I usually am done in the morning, so that I can teach, read, or get on with the other parts of my day.

January 27th, 2007

I was reading an article by Milan Kundera about what makes a novelist, and he talked about the motivation of a novelist being megalomania. By that he meant the overwhelming desire of the novelist to be survived by his or her work. I realized that I had been trying to wrestle for myself for sometime now what my motivations for writing actually were, and I was stuck with these ridiculous desires for fame, as best as I could describe it. But Kundera says it better: I do want my work to survive me, and that is what I am working towards.

November 1st, 2006

I have discovered a new requirement for the writing life: I need to experience flow, or that sense of time that goes by without noticing it. I experience that when I am doing work with my hands -- craft jewelry or housework (!). Also, I notice that I am resisting actually writing right now because I have too many balls in the air: I have two plays in circulation, two book proposals, and two articles submitted. Yes, that is kind of a lot. I need to work on fewer projects at a time.

October 23rd, 2006

I had a very intense experience on the week-end, related to creativity but not related to writing. I have a craft as a hobby and I set up a home sale which flopped from the marketing point of view, but not from the point of view of the product, i.e. hardly anyone came, but those who did bought a lot. Interesting. I found the fact of putting myself out there with something I had created, however, ordinary, very difficult indeed. I also had to separate the quality of the product from the suitability of the outlet. I also realized that I found the constant rejection of the writer's life (and I am quite successful as a writer, being a professor of political science and having to publish) very hard personally. I had a menopausal mood swing right in the middle of the affair, so that made it a very demanding afternoon indeed. But I have grown as a person, and thank God all this happened privately instead of publicly.

October 12th, 2006

After a fallow period of about three months, I have finally returned to writing, with the impetus being focused on my French novel, something I hadn't touched in about two years. On starting to write it again, I realized that the story had matured inside my own head without my paying any attention to it. I owe it in part to my evolution as a writer, I suppose, and the fact that I got some autobiographical stuff out of my system. But I was shocked at how easy it is once I'm done procrastinating.

July 15th, 2006

Having made a few changes to the play, I turned back to professional writing -- an article on the internet and democracy for a law journal, and I'm preparing to write up my ten-year plan as an article as well as my sabbatical application. I also have determined to accept giving a paper at a conference, which I haven't done in a long time...As I was revising my internet paper, I realized that my creative writing actually had improved my professional writing. I can hone my ideas much more clearly, and actually the political science is much less complex. Unexpected, and interesting.
July 9th, 2006

I had taken a rest from writing, but I started to feel two days ago the pressure to write again. So I wrote a book review, and continued work on my article on the Internet and democracy. I also revised some of the play, changing names of some characters and revising it to be more true to my objective of ridiculing the profession and not the individuals. I give myself one more week for the internet article, and then I have to complete what I call the landbridge -- the article that spans what I do in my books and explains my agenda to everyone. I have to write it in a way that is not too self-laudatory, but in the neutral mode. Hmmm. It will serve as my application for a sabbatical, and after that I want to complete the revisions of my book on counter-terrorism.

July 6th, 2006

I had the pleasure of discussing my latest play with the first of my readers to respond. I was elated to find her appreciation rich adn able to responde to detailed questions. It confirmed my impression that I can write with effect and even power at times, which is an importance discovery for me.

July 3rd, 2006

Another aspect I hadn't thought about in getting the first reactions to my play has been the fact that for the first time, I said to myself: "I have talent." I don't have to worry about writing vigorously or boringly, although my writing will be boring to some people, the talent is there.

June 29, 2006

I have started handing out the copies of my new play to a variety of readers -- five people all different one from another -- and they all have felt tips so they can mark what they think is funny. the first reader to get the play called me the next day: she was on p. 72, she said, she was shocked and scandalized at my satire of the academic life, but had to keep turning the pages. She also asked whether anyone from the university had seen this. That made me think about the discretion of whoever would be reading it, and I promised her I would pick only very discrete people. I have reread it quickly the next morning, and it is kinda dynamite for those in the environment. Most comic novels about the university make fun of the naivete of the professors. After much thought, I decided I would rewrite it with an eye to attacking not people, but the system. I wrote it as vigorously as I could, because I was worried it was boring or weak. Now that I am convinced that this play is not boring, I can make it fair. Satire has an edge which it must retain, but I am bound ethically to remove the more personal references that people might recognize. I hadn't include them consciously, I was just spinning my yarn, but there is some cleaning up to do.

June 22, 2006

I got my first refusal on Monday via e-mail. My first thought was "Well, now I am a professional author." Perhaps I am a little paranoid, but I thought the reply was very quick, given that it asserted the play had been read. Whoever read it did not read it very carefully, that is certain. I check the theatre copany, which advertised itself as being for new authors, and all the authors for the coming season were established -- I have no degree in English, of course. Their definition must mean that they are within ten years of their first production, or something like that. Anyway, I'll follow the rule of sending it out ten times before rethinking it.

June 5, 2006

I read in the introduction to a May Sarton novel that she wrote as if she didn't spend much time looking for that perfect metaphor. I have no comment on Sarton's writing, which is no better or worse than much of what I read, but I realize that I certainly don't write like that. On the contrary, I write by what Northrop Frye called ''melos'', by the ear. Whether I sometimes attain that most rarefied of writing peaks, a balance between ''melos'' and ''opsis'', between the sound in the reader's ear and the image in the writer's mind, is for the reader to decide.
June 4, 2006

Today I got my manuscripts cerlox-bound, and bought the enveloped I need to send them. Tomorrow I'll write the letters and mail off the packages. I bought postcards to get acknowledgement cards, but I don't know that I'll be able to design adn print them fast enough.

June 3, 2006

Today I printed out the latest version of my new play, ''The Pharisees'', for its final rewrite, and five copies of ''The Miracle'', which I plan to send out to five different theatre companies.

May 31, 2006

I use the five-page system, myself, like many other writers, and I edit ten pages, but yesterday I edited over 20 easily. I am coming off a long unproductive period, it's true, which I haven't had in a long time. But I still feel I have an increased capacity.

May 29, 2006

I had a healing experience last week, and I now feel a greater capacity for writing -- I rewrote a scene yesterday and again today, and I wrote a book review on the week-end, which was submitted earlier today. I also got some advice about my plays: re-submit them to the same theatre company until I get an answer, either way. Sounds very good, if you consider how artists operate.

May 25, 2006

I am rewriting my play quite successfull, this rewrite being for plot, but I don't think it is working as I hoped, despite the time and effort. I suppose like most writers or artists, what I consider best I usually write the fastest. I am learning to write something and to accept that it is what it is, and its limitations.

April 20, 2006

I haven't been writing much, which means I'm in one of my irregularly-spaced fallow periods. I think it's because my creativity has been used elsehwere -- with a kitchen renovation, and now with getting a new wardrobe. I am reading Anthony Trollope's autobiography, which is always revealing. Apparently he wrote regularly and quickly , and didn't revise very much, which is a comfort to me. To the list of Greene and Mcmurtry, I must now add Dickens and Trollope -- all writers who wrote very systematically and regularly.

March 29, 2006

Writing comedy is much the hardest thing I ever wrote, much the hardest thing I've ever hard to do. There are all the problems of writing a play -- plot, character, unity of setting, sustaining the audience's interest, economy and efficiency of every line of dialogue, of every scene and beat, believability since I'm a naturalist -- but on top of it all I have to be funny. I rewrote two scenes today, after procrastinating all morning. I refused to come and write about the difficulty here, instead of facing the damn black page. Don't want to fall prey to that particular temptation, and don't want to relieve the tension of writing in any other way but by producing something every day. Went rather well, once I sat myself down. I caught myself smiling once or twice at stuff I had forgotten I had written. Trying to stuff all three acts with every funny bit I can. On reading that comedy by Alain Dabiou this mornign, I also realized that I was trying to write somehting much more universal, not something topical like he did, so that it became much harder for me to write. No low expectations at my house.

March 28, 2006

I once read somewhere that writers don't want to write, they want to have written. I enjoy writing, but it takes up such a short time of my day, and then I'm done, what do I do with the rest of the time? Anyway, I procrastinated about writing today, but I really wanted to have written my quota. Up to p. 20 of the new play, and I'm cutting a bit as it's too long, and I'm pleased to have done it. A whole scene, and the good news is that the play is much better. I still can't tell if it's funny.

March 27, 2006

I began the second rewrite of my play, the one which focuses on plot. Writing today was wonderfully easy, a testament to the wisdom of waiting until my inner atmosphere is right, until the writing is there to be written. In the earlier drafts, I was so worried that it wouldn't be funny that I just wrote a stack of funny bits, loosely strung together. But as I said to my life partner, Tony, the really good comedies tell a good story as well. The problem is, this is a satire of the university, and how do you write a story about an institution most people don't even care about? Anyway, I did my quota 10 pages of editing or rewriting, and now I can just go on to my reading.

March 26, 2006

I found out last night that one of my books, the one on bioterrorism, is being carried by Mr. Walton's little boy. I immediately thought of that fiction writer who mused aloud to reporters that he wasn't sure he wanted to be selected by Oprah's book club. This is undoubtedly a good thing, but how often does a university professor's book wind up with one of the world's biggest retailers? Completely unexpected, especially for my most specialized essay to date.

On another note, I now feel that the inner atmosphere for writing is back -- I'll be writing again my quota by tomorrow. The adrenaline required to survive my helping with media coverage of a current event left me too restless to write for about 72 hours.

March 22, 2006

I sat down to write, but as soon as I popped open my laptop I knew it was pointless -- I'm thinking about my doing some live tv tomorrow (Ontario budget, boring for most people) and I'm unable to focus. Supposed to rewrite for plot, too, which requires all my attention. Only goes to prove that preserving the inner atmostphere is very important like Janet Frame said.

March 21st 2006

Yesterday I finished the second draft of my fifth play, The Pharisees. This play is a satire of academic life -- those of you who know me personally are aware that it is writing itself! But then in any environment there is always something to laugh about. This rewrite focused on my changes to the second antagonist, a figure whose status had to be changed from faculty to staff and from bumbler to wise woman is going to help the whole play work much better. The next rewrite will be about plot, and the one after that for comic timing. I expect I'll have a last rewrite without any particular focus. I'm trying to get it finished before I got to Italy on April 25th, where I plan to start a novel about family, called Metamarso.