Thoughts and ponderings...

NASCAR's Memorial Day Tribute

2009-05-25T18:31:00.001-04:00

Today I witnessed something very rare, meaningful and moving. NASCAR's Coca Cola 600 was supposed to occur yesterday but rain postponed it until today. Today being Memorial Day, a Presidential Declaration asks the country to observe a nationwide moment of silence at 3PM. NASCAR stopped the race at 2:58PM. Every single fan stood up, hats removed, all the driver teams lined up along pit road and the drivers were brought around to the front straight-away and stopped, engines shut off. The whole of Lowe's Motor Speedway in Charlotte was silent for about 2 minutes. One of the coolest, grandest things I've seen in a long time. The sport so many people diss as 'redneck' and 'not a "real" sport' stopped the game to observe a moment of silence. Grown men cried. Not that that's a goal but it was really that touching. It's a small thing that you won't even know about if you're not a NASCAR fan but a sold-out race track of people watching a race, stopped 1 for rain, stopped completely, a 2nd time, to honor our men and women in uniform. It doesn't get cooler than that.

My Day in Court

2009-04-15T00:22:00.004-04:00

On April 17th, I was blessed with the experience of visiting small claims court. I don't say that sarcastically but rather in a serious manner because I believe there was a reason for it, aside from the obvious one. You cannot speak to something you've never experienced and you cannot empathize unless you've been there. I don't wish what I've gone through on anyone but I believe I will come out a better person for this.

So, allow me to back up just a bit. Roughly a week prior to my court date, I started googling various terms: 'small claims court', 'mediation' and the like. I wanted to know what would happen. What I got was all about the plaintiff and what a plaintiff can do, get, demand or expect. The only thing I found regarding defendants was blame, shame and 'well, you shouldn't have gotten yourself into that situation to begin with, you idiot!' and other condescending statements. Oddly, not terribly helpful. I vowed at that moment that whatever I learned and experienced I would write about it so that I could be helpful.

First of all, I will say that, yes, there are people who deliberately use and abuse credit and those people have lessons to learn, punishments to deal with and changes to make. That's not a judgement call that's just how it is.

Secondly, I will also tell you that there are plenty of people, myself included, who got credit cards, loans, revolving accounts and the like when they were holding down decent to great jobs and life was good. I was working for a builder in another state, making north of $40,000 and life was good. I went, not 7 months later, to a lay off. I got another job, making less than $40,000, 2 months later, in real estate.

Fast-forward to March, 2008. I was laid off because I was making more than my bosses, the owners of the company which employed me. I've not worked full-time since. I couldn't get unemployment due to small business regulations in the state I lived in. To save a lot of time, drama and info sharing that I don't wish to bore you with, I did everything I knew to do to pay the minimums on my bills, including moving in with my parents and so forth.

Every time I tried to deal with this particular credit card company they rebuffed me with 'that's not enough money'. Fine. Sue me. So they did. Well, actually, they sold my account to collection agency/law firm. They called and harassed me, suggested I prostitute myself and so forth. Apparently being cruel, inhumane, rude and obnoxious is supposed to milk blood from a turnip. Then they moved on to 'well, if you don't pay us, you'll get summoned to court then you'll have to pay what you owe PLUS court costs.' And this is going to get your your money how??

So,fast-forward to the court date. I go in to the court room and take a seat, because you have to. You may not stand while you wait. It's Small Claims Court. My judge was very efficient. He explained what was going to happen and started calling cases such as Orchard Bank vs. Marie Smith. It goes something like this:

Judge: Orchard Bank vs. Marie Smith
(Orchard Bank appears telephonically [by phone] if need be.

Marie Smith walks up to the podium.

J: Good morning, Ms. Smith, how are you?

M: Fine, your honor, how are you?

J: Good thank you. Ms. Smith, Orchard Bank alleges you owe them a debt in the amount of $2,825.68. Do you dispute this?

M: No, sir.

J: Would you like to try and work out a payment plan with them?

M: Yes, your honor.

J: OK, one of our mediation specialists will be with you shortly.
Good luck to you.

At this point, you get to sit back down and wait for the mediator to get to you. Mine was roughly a 29 minute wait. Then the mediator comes and gets you and you go into a little room. NOBODY CAN GO IN THE ROOM WITH YOU...

It's you and the mediator and the mediator calls the collection agency.

Then you wait on hold with them...my mediator said some are better than others.

Then you speak directly with the collection agency unless you're face to face then of course the mediator's talking to both of you, the ultimate goal being to reach a settlement satisfactory.

I came to a resolution mainly because I wanted it over with. Here's a note that, in the midst of it all, I completely forgot: Debt collection agencies BUY THE DEBT from Citibank or Chase or whoever so if they say 'I have to confer with our client' that's crap. Call them on it!!! Really.

The bottom line here is, if you don't have the money, don't promise them crap. If you don't have it, you don't have it. It's going to affect your credit either way.

I hope this helps someone, somehow. If I shared it for nothing, I've put out there.

A Reason For Everthing...All Things For a Reason

2009-04-13T23:48:00.002-04:00

I believe, quite firmly, in fact, that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes it takes a long time to discover what's behind door number 1 but everything does happen for a reason. I also believe firmly that God will never give you more than He knows you can handle. That can be a problem an issue when You are looking at it as much bigger than you can handle. Sometimes it's all about perspective.

Ah, perspective. So, as I have gone through being un- and under-employed, being harassed, having all the twists and turns of the last 2 years, I go back to the idea that there is a purpose for all of this. Something bigger than I know about; like you cannot tell anyone else about an experience you have not had. Let me share an experience I'm about to have.

I am going to court tomorrow over a credit card debt. It's a pre-trial mediation hearing. Now for the rest of the story, as it were.

I went from a job that paid $33,000 to a job that paid $43,000 so I bought real furniture and got a credit card; not my 1st credit card but a credit card nonetheless. Little did I realize, 5 months later I would be the first of many a layoff. I also went to 2/3 of $33,000 for unemployment for 2 months then landed a now job. I know, you're thinking 'that's great!' and it was except it was $5,000 less than I had been making. When you adjust your life to what you're making, it's hard to adjust it back, especially when you have neither a warning and planning time or a safety net. My safety nets were my credit cards, 2 of them. I still tried my hardest to make some kind of payment. When I didn't, the phone calls started. Harassment, assumptions, mental cruelty, rude and demeaning and the list of awful goes on.

I tried and tried to explain that I was unemployed (even though I still made tiny payments at that time thinking something was better than nothing) then underemployed then unemployed again to no avail. As if I was sitting on $4,000 and not paying them just for the fun of experiencing the joy that is collections.

I was laid off a second time in 18 months and 3 weeks later my mother was in a serious car accident which took me to FL for two weeks, back to Raleigh to pack up my life in about 2 weeks time to move back to FL. It was, to say the least, very chaotic. Somewhere in the whole mess, I had received a collection threat letter/offer to settle but again, it was not an olive branch but rather a 'do as we say or else' letter.

Fast forward to fall of 2008. I got a letter from an attorney saying I needed to call them to discuss a settlement or payment plan. Yeah, right!! I called and was basically harassed and yelled at and treated like I'm not human and the concept of 'I don't have a job or money and, no, I can't ask anyone for money to pay your asses back!' I asked the guy if I should go whore myself out and he said 'you do what you gotta do.' Hello?!

So....after that lovely conversation, about 3 weeks ago I was served papers to appear in court for a pre-trial mediation conference at the court house. I believe that everything happens for a reason and there is a reason for this, aside from trying to come up with a solution to the 'I would love to honor my debt and pay you except I have no money.' issue.

I know there is a reason that I don't see or understand right now for this. I also know that this too shall pass. It's really too bad that, rather than attempt logical solutions like suspending late fees, over-the-limit fees and 'just because we feel like it fees' as, logically, if someone cannot make their minimum payment or even part of it, they clearly cannot pay the other 10 fees imposed upon them.

On the other side of it, I absolutely intended and still would like to honor my debt. My other creditors have settled on payment plans with me but not this last one. I am not alone but I wouldn't wish this on anyone. However, I know for sure that God will never give me more than I can handle and this too shall pass.

A Reason For Everthing...All Things For a Reason

2009-04-13T20:23:00.003-04:00

A Good Day

2009-04-02T23:05:00.003-04:00

So....first it starts with rain and realtors then it goes into 'let's get teeth pulled' and ends with a car accident. Life's lovely.

I'm left with a few lessons, a massive headache, 2 more holes in my head, a bumper and fender that need replaced and a dorky story to tell.

Parallel Lines

2009-02-22T16:11:00.002-05:00

I was pondering the 'big picture' reality of our country at the moment versus my personal sphere and something interesting dawned on me. It frightened and intrigued me at the same time. I want to be a mom very much and the idea of having another little human excites me. Then I think about the state of our country and my mind says 'well, wait a minute...is bringing a baby into this the most responsible move ever?'

I ponder often as I read, chat, blog, try to absorb and then repeat that whole process! I believe in my mission, my person, my family and my country; what stumps me though is my lack of believe, faith and confidence in our leaders, in the big picture.

Worrying...Yes, I Know It Fixes Nothing

2009-02-11T00:33:00.002-05:00

My 12 year old cat/baby Tange is sick..actually there's likely more wrong than I know about but I can't afford to fix it so yeah...but his canine tooth is coming out and protruding out of his mouth so I'm getting him antibiotics tomorrow then taking him to the vet Tuesday at 7AM to get his teeth cleaned and the whole bit.

I just want him to be OK. Deep breathe. Remember, the outcome is no different whether you 'worry' about it or not. I know this. I pray for him. And me.

Dating

2009-02-04T00:33:00.002-05:00

So, one of my goals for 2009 is to have a serious boyfriend by year's end or a fiance, though that may be pushing it. However, you never know. So, I am signed up for Match.com and eharmony. Both are good sites. Not unlike social situations in public, there will be the liars, the cheaters, the fakes and the ballers.

I have been blunt and honest in both profiles and I've got a slew of matches on eharmony (where they match you) and I'm picking and being picked on match.com. I've had to be clear in saying 'I would love to grab a drink with you once I get up to Raleigh...in the meantime we'll have to e-mail and get to know each other that way.' I'll see how that goes.

I'm going thru things within me and getting clarity and whatnot, slowly. I can feel things going away, floating off peacefully if you will. That feels good but there's stuff still there that has to be dealt with. I was overcome with emotion when the Steelers won...for no real particular reason that I can think of because I wasn't rooting for either team as my teams were out. But I let myself just cry. Felt good.

Tonight 2 things made me teary. 1) a caller on a radio show called and was asking very specific, clear questions of the host regarding her home and finances. No bitterness, anger, angst or whatever. Just 'what do you recommend?' With like 11 children to raise, on her own. The part that touched me more than just her story was the number of people who called into the same show and wanted to help her out. The human spirit and the people in this country are amazing; it's too bad there's no political benefit for trying to tap that. Made me teary-eyed.

2) I'm watching Homeland Security USA and they showed a marine homecoming to DFW and, for real, if that doesn't bring you to tears you need to go figure out what's wrong with you. Not only do people stand and clap and show their appreciation for the men and women who serve our country but the families were at the airport too and, for real, that sacrifice and the job they do, no matter how you feel about the wars, is just amazing. I'm in awe of it; I really am.

OK, so I went a little off track...back to the dating thing. I am opening myself up, communicating with as many people as possible, being picky, finding number of cute, sports-loving Catholics and taking inspiration from the Bachelor...learning a lesson or 2 from these girls and their behavior, etc.

Wish me luck. :p

Another Regret

2009-02-02T22:40:00.003-05:00

One of the things I regret is not taking the time to honor my emotions, the negative ones, to grieve the stuff that needed to be grieved, to stand up for myself and get angry when need be, to tell people off or confront them, regardless of whether I felt it was perpetuating the drama cycle or not. It bothers me that there are things not grieved, anger that I 'let go' at the time that didn't go anywhere because I didn't get angry so I could get over it. Maybe that doesn't make sense but I am in a family where we don't really do emotion. Or at least not negative emotion. By about 9/13/01 or so my mother was angry that I wasn't over 9/11, as it wasn't like I knew anyone in NYC or on any of the planes. So I hid it, pushed it away. So much sadness and anger and just that feeling like "I knew this was going to happen...but there was not a thing I could have done..." My mother didn't let so much as a tear go at her best friend's burial service and was very uncomfortable when I hugged her upon hearing that her best friend, at 54, had passed away. My mother is in her 60s, the old old, and the thought of losing her scares the hell out of me.
The number of times I have not cried when someone died or let whatever negative emotion was present just be is beyond count. I want to go back now and work on all of that, to process it so in the future it's just

Good Game, Good Game, Good Game!

2009-02-01T23:27:00.003-05:00

Congratulations to the Pittsburgh Steelers, now the winning-est team in NFL history with 6 Super Bowl wins! Congratulations also go to the Arizona Cardinals who brought their A game to Tampa and played their hearts out. Both teams and their fans and families should be very proud of the game played, the efforts and the outcome. Losing when you're that close is rough. Been there, done that.

There were many beautiful plays this evening, some 'OMG, did you see that?' moments. I was in a position for the first time in years where I wasn't rooting for either team. I just wanted to see a great game and really, even though I am a huge Patriots fan, I believe this game eclipsed last year's.

Tonight, I could see the looks on the Cardinals' players' faces and I know that look. You got it, it's yours...or not. You're so excited and happy and then you go from the top to the bottom so fast you can't hear or see or make sense of anything. Your heart is shattered and brokened. Your brought your A game and you earned your spot and it wasn't enough.

I believe this one was about timing, as they all are, but this one in particular. Steelers football is like New England sports in general, never say 'it's ours' until the final buzzer or there's fewer than 20 seconds and you have possession, because you never know...but you also never say die.

I saw a great game with great plays and sportsmanship. Both teams have every reason to hold their heads high. Congratulate yourselves for a job well done, celebrate your victory and having played great even though you didn't win, respectively.

Finally, thank God for the blessings of your talents and abilities, jobs you love, great families, friends and fans and we'll do it again soon.

The Dead Kitty Tale

2009-01-28T01:08:00.003-05:00

This is the tale of the dead kitty and my lie about said dead kitty. My best friend moved from where we were living back home to be nearer family and between her place and various family, no one could take her kitty so I got to keep kitty. Kitty was with me for roughly 3 years before passing away, out of the blue, under my bed one day. I promptly called said BFF and relayed the info to her, telling her I had to call the vet, etc...to find out, austensibly, what to do with kitty. Now, mind you, I had the ability when I lived where I lived when my first kitty ever passed away. She is buried behind my parents' home. When kitty passed away, I was broke and lived in a city so my options were as follows: 1) throw her out; 2) take her to the vet to be cremated and pay $65 to get (her) ashes back; 3) get permission to bury her on a friend's acreage north of town. I was also informed that there was a strict city ordinance about pet disposal. I didn't have $25 for gas never mind $65 for kitty. I could not get up to the friend's for at least a week so, sadly and with regret, I threw her out. I cried for about 2 hours solid, prayed a lot, cried some more, showered and cried some more then passed out and slept. I told best friend that the kitty was buried at friend's place because I knew it would make her feel better and it made me feel better. Do I feel good that I lied to her? Of course not! Did I feel horrible? Uh, yes, for several reasons. I was mad at myself for not having the means in any manner to put her to rest peacefully, I was mad and disappointed in myself for not trying harder, for lying about it when really, best friend knew the truth. I still feel awful but I'm glad I'm at least putting it out there. I would have, sadly, done the same thing with any of the 3 I had at the time. I had no other option and it killed me. I did the best thing I knew to do under the circumstances with the resources (or lack thereof) I had in my possession at the time. I accept full responsibility for myself and my actions at the time. I know she knows so I will not be saying anything but I hope she forgives me. I know she forgives me. Now, it's just about working on me forgiving me.

Regrets

2009-01-26T23:28:00.003-05:00

SO, I've said before in life that I have no regrets only lessons I've learned. Then I am working thru this book on letting go and I made a list, yes a list!! of regrets. Yes, really! I was trying to organize the process of processing each one and coming to peace with everything and, yeah, my list is like 20 items long..and you know what's not on there? Not making a closing happen. Telling someone they didn't get approved. Screwing up a closing. Not working enough.

Crazy how I actually thought career was the be all end all for so long. So, you're probably thinking 'ok, so what do you regret?' I regret not spending more time around my grampa before he passed away. I regret missing my cousins' weddings. I regret spending so much time wanting someone who didn't want me (more than 1 guy! Yes, I am aware that's sad but at least i see it to let it go!) that I couldn't let go and move on to someone who would cherish me. I regret giving a damn about Robert, Bobby, Juan and Jeff. Seriously! I regret not realizing my issues have a grip on me that needs to get gone. Yes, I realize this now and am working on it. I regret not putting people in their place for the sake of commity, workplace peace and whatever BS reason I did it for! I regret sleeping with someone who hurt me multiple times and who was never meant to be mine. I regret not taking care of myself and worrying about me. I regret worrying about being enough for anyone, including myself. I regret not doing things and going places that were right in my backyard because I was afraid I'd miss something where I was (I didn't miss a damn thing I couldn't have lived without!) There are more but that's most of them.

SO, is there anyone to apologize to? Yes and no. Most of it is apologizing to myself and taking care of me and learning to just let it go. I'll be penning/typing letters not meant to be sent to several people. I will not hurt another person intentionally or not just to complete this process! SO, watch for my items/regrets, one at a time.
I am working to forgive, get to peace and move on.

Change, Regret & Forgiveness

2009-01-26T01:54:00.002-05:00

Ever done something you regret? As you have a pulse if you're reading this, I am going to go with 'yes' on that. Me, too. I actually have more than a few. One of my many commitments to myself for 2009 is to finally purge the yuck and so I am reading a The Little Book of Letting Go. I am on the exercise where you heal regrets, past wrongs, hurts so you heal yourself and can let go of these things permanently and move on to a genuinely happier life. Like dropping your luggage off to be screened before it's put on the plane then not picking it up at the carousel at your destination because you don't need it. It's a good thing!

SO I am planning to start issue 1 tomorrow. I'll keep you posted. I am not afraid of the monster, the tears or whatever I just wanted it gone. If I need to cry my eyes out or get a bad headache to do that, so be it.

7 True Things

2009-01-24T01:37:00.002-05:00

One of my besties has a blog and on that blog is a game about 7 truths about yourself so here goes my 7!

1) Spiders of any and every kind scare the hell out of me! I have learned not to scream at the sight of them but I still hold my breath and move to the highest spot in the room til I can find a can of spider killer or a shoe.

2) I am jealous of the fact that others I know are married w/kids and I want that too but I also realize that a) it's my own fault, b) I'm working on correcting it and c) it's not my time yet.

3) I am not EVEN a Barack Obama fan! I respect the Office of the President but the man himself, his choices and politics leave a lot to be desired.

4) The collective stupidity of my fellow Americans blows my mind! Kills me how people refuse to actually think for themselves and then get angry at those of us who do so!

5) I love gardening!

6) I am a die hard, cannot get enough, checks scores from her cell phone when there's a game I can't see no matter where I am Red Sox fan!

7) It galls me that so many people are so friggin' gullible, following blindly whoever promises them stuff that, if they actually thought about it for 5 minutes, would surely be idiotic at the least, insane and highly improbable or gravely destructive at the worst.

It's Harder Than It Looks Sometimes

2009-01-01T19:57:00.004-05:00

OK, so last night I wrote a letter I obviously never intend to send to a guy who I've known since 1992. I've had a thing for him and he for me, on and off, banter and whatnot. We are close friends & yes, that is possible. HOWEVER, as much as I would like to say 'Nope, not waiting on him!' because seriously, I know better, somewhere in my mind, or maybe my heart, I guess I have been. Other people tell me I give excellent advice and I should have been a counselor or something. Sometimes it's harder than it looks. To execute decisions.

Not wanting to date really because what if I'm serious with someone and HE walks in and, and, and....what the hell am I doing? What in hell am I thinking? This is entirely my issue, none of it on him. I believe it's been easier to invest in him because I can't get hurt and yet, I have been hurt, I've been disappointed and I've been surprised at the audacity. Now, it's over. I have given myself permission to cut the ties that bind, to move on, to realize that I am beautiful, smart, articulate, funny, caring, a little zany and 900 other things that any guy with any intelligence and priorities in some kind of order would want.
HE is married to his career and the 'I love you's' are simply words, because no actions have ever proceeded or preceded them! HE doesn't want me enough to do whatever HE must do to make it happen; most men would do that for the woman they supposedly love.

So, I'm done. I know it's not about hurting him because he's been done for a long time! If he is hurting, I don't know about it and it's not my problem.

So, I'm done. Done waiting, done caring, done investing time, energy and whatever else into someone and something that is never going to come. I've done nothing wrong in the whole thing but now I gotta do what is right for me! That would be being done.

Done, off like a prom dress. Done & gone. Ready for love and all of it with someone real who will cherish me and respect me and be there for me in real life in real time. Someone who will be proud and dying to show me off to his friends and I'll want to show him off to mine!

I'm done being scared that I might get hurt because I got hurt and it happened while I was trying to not get hurt. I'm done being afraid of being abandonded. I will always have me and I love me. If someone leaves you or dies, it is for the best because either the lesson, the memories, the whatever's been taught or someone new is coming to fill the space.

I'm done worrying about it because I want to be worry-free and happy, really happy and all of it, in 2009. I am done worrying about the whole damn situation and moving.

I give myself permission to throw the whole kittenkaboodle off a cliff, in the trash, into a fireplace or whatever, just to get it gone!! My heart must be free and I admit I've been a dummy but it's water under the bridge so no beating self up over it. I am free to move on and have all thing love and joy and adventures I am entitled to!!!

Now there's a great start to a new year!! and a new me!!I give myself permission to be done! It's over and I'm done! It's OK for me, myself and I go move on in every way with our life and to be awesome!!

I'm done, I'm done, I'm done!!! It's not a negative it's a very positive, great, freeing thing!!

Year End Thoughts

2008-12-31T21:51:00.003-05:00

Wow! What a year! I mean, seriously, ups and downs, lefts & rights...I am actually, in spite of a few good things, really happy it's over and seriously looking forward to 2009!

So, as I am constantly trying to find the positive, let's count my blessings for 2008:
*I lost my job 3/7/08. A blessing. Really. Keep reading.
*The start of my new career, unbeknownst to me. I was job hunting as I had been since 9/07 (long story) and found a job link on Craigslist which led me to Virtual Vocations which led me to ODesk...which ultimately led me to my new career! I work for myself, part-time. I'm working on increasing my salary to myself and my hours/jobs for 08.
*I got a new friend/client in the person of Jimmy, who's began an online company that freakin' ROCKS!!
*My mother was in a near-fatal car accident 3/31. I'm grateful I was in a position to move to FL to help her recover. Being able to be there is something I will be eternally grateful for and it also made me realize that I will, of the 4 of us, be the one caring for mom & D ultimately, as they get older.
*I discovered who my real friends are and that sometimes people do extraordinary things to help and, as a side note, I appreciate it more than could possibly be put into words.
*I got even more grateful and humble than I have ever been before.
*I got to witness the Sox almost make it to the WS.
*I got to meet my extraordinary, awesome niece, Emily and stand up to my bestest friend ever's wedding in July.
*Got to play golf some with Dad & D in July.
*I am learning HTML.
*I'm seeing cool traits in people that I wouldn't have seen except for the circumstances as they've unfolded this year.
*I got one of my best friends back & I couldn't be more grateful for that and for the love and inspiration if I tried.
*I got into a college course for Comp TIA A+ to basically be a Help Desk person, which has been interesting, insightful, a lot of work and I just did my last test tonite and got a 92%!! Next step is studying hard for the Certification exam next month.
*I was informed by Jimmy that he couldn't keep me which was a huge blessing in disguise as the comments/referral have garnered me more work/new clients which I love.
*The defeat of McCain and the crackpot politics of this year have inspired me to create a new website which, at it's foundation, will be an educational, non-partisan tool to finally make the people we elect do what they say they're going to do or they can get the heck out and let someone else try! People gotta be informed and once you get angry, you get over it and decide what positive thing you're going to do!
*I learned that some people make some interesting decisions in their lives and once you've said your piece, it's your job to shut up and observe. Sometimes too, it's important to just shut up.
*I've learned that a lot of times you just gotta let events unfold, as rough as it is, and gleen the lessons blended with the events.
*I've finally really in my head let the idea of things with R just go. We are friends and that's it. Period. End of story.
*I've gotten stronger in my faith and more grateful.
*I've discovered that sometimes you think you know something but you really have to live it/go there to actually get it so you can then affect change regarding it.
*I've discovered that all friends have a time in your life and sometimes they're off doing their thing so you can have an open slot for someone else (and sometimes we don't realize that!)
*I've discovered that 2009 will be the year that I get a man, the man, get back to my life in Raleigh, start to get out of department, put me 1st so I can put others 1st, take people off my priority list if I am not on theirs, see the ATL, visit friend L in DC, Dad & co. in ME, Boston for July 4th weekend and have the money to do it too!

Here's to making lemonade always!

The Long Road

2008-11-11T01:49:00.002-05:00

So, I'm reading a book abotu moving on and I'm planning on working thru my issues once and for all, letting it all die or at least reconciling it and moving on. Stronger and better for it, one would like to hope.

I know I hate fighting, I hate getting mad and I hate them both because I know I've always been taught that I'm not allowed to be angry or mad or anything and thusly..I haven't honored a lot of negative feelings in my life and they need to be honored. so, it begins.

Truth, Lies & Family

2008-11-09T13:59:00.002-05:00

SO, I knew that my step-dad does not like me, does not like that I'm here living with them...if I failed to exist he'd be fine with that. He wants my mother all to himself. Period.

Well, I talked to my gramma today, mom's mom, and was telling her what's going on and so forth. Before we drove up there for her 85th birthday party, Dave apparently called her and asked her to take me for a walk and convince me to stay in Thorp and live with her. He's flat out said he would get a truck and 'ship you and your crap to your dad's tomorrow.' In front of my mother.

We went out Friday night, he and I, to dinner and then to the GetDown and Gov's mall. So basically I am an evil person, I do not pray, I am naive, cruel and only out for myself. I do not care about anyone but me and even if I had money I still wouldn't...I'm sorry, wait, are we still talking about me?! Yes, in Dave's world, we are. I am a burden.

He is on his way to Orlando to spend time with my mom, as I elected not to go, because he wants to spend time with her..just her...I elected not to go not in order to hurt my mother, though I realize I did that too, but because after Dave's little hissy fit, I'm trying to be as uninvolved as humanly possible.

Every 34 year old wants to be at home, living with their parents in a town meant for retirees and college people, putting their life on hold until they can get back to the regularly scheduled program known as their life.

Does it hurt? Yes. Piss me off? Ah yes, that too! Make me want to pretty much work non-stop to save money & pay down bills and get out of here. You better freakin' believe it!

I am going to begin really dealing with my issues, crying my way thru all this stuff, so I can move on with my life, bigger, better, happier and way more successful than before. That and debt-free. One day at a time. I will get there...

Voting Informed

2008-11-02T21:38:00.003-05:00

So, my friends are fairly evenly split between D's and R's, those who will actually pay attention when I share some relevant political tidbit with them and those who 'respect me' but will not listen or read because they feel very strongly about their person, party & cause(s). I get it; fear is a curious thing. Hell, truth is a curious thing. We live in a society wherein if you repeat some random statement, "fact" or idea enough times, people stop questioning it. The Obama campaign has sort of gotten to a point where, remembering my visit to the Holocaust Museum and my history lessons re: WWII & the Holocaust, I sort of feel like it's Germany again in the 1930s only it's not. It's the US in 2008. Think about it. You can dig up, elude to and flat out state almost anything negative about McCain and/or Palin and/or Republicans and the media is on it like homeless people on bread scraps (don't even THINK about chastising me for saying that!). I have discovered that the mere suggestion of any negativity of any kind the references Obama gets you damned, label some not very pretty things and giving that "you, in the corner! NOW!" look.

So, I was having a discussion with someone close to me with whom I have major differences of opinion regarding politics. This person feels I am a naive idiot, that 'years of devastating Republican rule have ruined my life' [because President Bush forced me to work in real estate, etc]and that things will be hugely improved under Obama. UH, yeah, riiiigggghhhhttt. So, I say, 'so I know you hate Bush and McCain because he is Bush, which makes me question your contact prescription because it's obviously not improving your sight, but did you go to Obama's website and actually read his positions on the issues? Did you go to McCain's website and read his positions on the issues or are you just so hateful and misguided that you can't even be bothered to read?'

He looked at me and blathered on about how terrible Bush is and so on and so forth. It is the standard counter-argument of not just him but many people who are Obama backers. I said,"I am, in fact, a Republican but I am also a student of political science, it's what my degree's in. It's what I spent hundreds of hours on and so I know that 'because' is not an answer, you should never follow unquestioningly any path be it religious, political or 'because your mom and dad/whoever is so so too should you be'. I took the time to read Obama's entire agenda/platform as well as McCain's."

He of course was shocked by this. Why I have no idea. I surmise it is because he and many like him have latched on to Obama and the media lovefest with unquestioning fervor.

I believe strongly in the process of democracy, know that many people hate facts, get very angry when the truth outs and it is not convenient for them, and also know that it's not enough to say 'I voted.' The new standard must be 'I voted informed.'

If you haven't yet voted, go read up on both candidates. Please take the time to read either their entire platform or, if you're pressed for time, the information on the subjects/causes nearest your heart. Even if you're die-hard one way or the other, for democracy's sake, go to www.McCain.com or www.BarackObama.com and just read. Then vote according to whose closest to what you envision your life and your country's path being. You might surprise yourself...oh, and remember, it's between you and your higher being, if you believe in one.

This is really that important.

Sometimes You're a Bridge to Somewhere

2008-10-30T00:54:00.002-04:00

So, I have been friends with someone for, geez, 2 years next month & I've pushed, pulled & pursuaded her from what seems like one life to another, from living as others want her to to how she wants to, sort of. There are tremendous good things there like standing up for herself even when it hurts others, not caring what others think of her, gaining self-esteem and the list goes on...then there's the addiction thing.

Sometimes you go from crack to meth or from cigarettes to alcohol or eating to shopping. Well, she's conquered a lot but the attention addiction. Well, it's been about 3 weeks since I've said word one to her. I am fairly confident that I'm a reason. I am not a lifetime friend. Sometimes you're not a lifetime friend, you're a bridge. You convince someone to take a step they desperately need to take while promising you will be right there with them when they freak out and wanna go back. And then you follow through and are there for them, regardless. You scream, you holler, you pat the back, you praise and you get them to where they need to be.

She is one of those people who, bless her heart, is an attention whore. She's got attention from here to there and back again and has not noticed that I have commented on absolutely nothing on her blog for weeks. It doesn't appear to bother her as her new life, the new attention, the whole bit is filling every moment not occupied by real life as mom, wife, etc.

It is not that I don't feel appreciated; sometimes God has you do things for a bigger reason. You fulfill the reason, you build the bridge, you part the sea and then, your job done, you go on to do another good deed.

She reminds me of a friend of mine, years ago, who really was an addict. She had worked for me at one point but got fired because she missed bout a week of work due to being in a crack house or someplace in Boston high as a kite or passed out. Well, months later, when nobody could find her, a hunch led me to find her and I'm standing in some place, some setting so totally foreign to me, it was like 'ok, so how the hell do I do this?' Long story short, I got her out of there with the help of an angel and, though she's no longer here, at least at that time, in that place, I was able to do something bigger than myself, able to help her conquer an addiction, at least for a time. Fast-forward back to this case, I do not believe this time, this place, it is mine to fix. This time it is not up to me. When I said I was done, I believe I actually meant it.

Real Fans

2008-10-20T18:10:00.002-04:00

So, to make a long story short & keep this anonymous, a close friend of mine suffered for being a Red Sox fan. In a very real way.

A little while back I was accused of labeling someone else as 'not a true fan'.

Last season, as the Sox went to the World Series, we had people join our group who, you could tell by their chants, knowing nicknames for players, etc. that they were true fans, maybe even die hard fans who just hadn't discovered our group. There were also people who, you could tell, were bandwagon fans, just wanting to cheer on a winner. Lovely.

So, then this year, as I would watch the occasional Rays game at Tropicana field or I would catch highlights of a game, more the latter than the former, I noticed something. They had no fans. Or very few fans. You see Fenway Park, it is packed from the 1st game to the last, most of the time SRO, if you're lucky. Real fans; fans who are there often or watch the games on MLBtv, at a bar, on their computers, listening on the radio or,as I sometimes do, keeping track of it from my cell phone. Fans who know that when you hear what sounds like booing around Sox fans, there is a darn good chance Kevin Youkilis is at bat or has just done something great and we're yelling "Yooouuukkkk". Fellow fans, the team, Rem Dawg, they're family. Loyal, humble, dedicated, go do your best and it's OK regardless of the outcome. Fans who know the history, know the ups and downs, know that wins rock and the loses cut deep. Fans who wear the fandom on their sleeves, hearts, clothes, cars, office desks and so forth. Red Sox fans are unyielding in their love of and faith in their team. We don't forsake our team at a loss or decide not to go because we disagree with a management decision, we're one of the fan bases that knows the who, what, where, when, how and why of our team and our front office.

When the old owners were debating a new ballpark on the parking lot currently catty corner from the players' entrance, 450,000 signatures said 'no, we like Fenway, we want Fenway, don't TOUCH Fenway.' We won and, after Fenway was purchased by new owners as passionate fans as we are, and they agreed to improve her, and did so, we trusted them. We also liked the 2 World Series titles they helped us earn too! We rallied hard to get our Powers that Be to re-sign Lowell and they did.

Then you have bandwagon fans, wannabe's who don't get it but the team by them is good so they'll be a 'fan'. One of my beloved friends say something to me about judging people and their fandom. Well, here's my point. Red Sox fans fill Fenway Park day in, day out. Red Sox fans are there year round, whether it's hot stove time, GM/winter meetings, ST, Opening Day, the All Star Break or end of the season. A lot of other clubs' fans do this in varying degrees but then there are clubs where this is SO not the case.

Case in point: the Rays! Yes, the Rays! A friend of mine went on their website to 'get tickets' for a few random games and the closest seat she could get...hello, right behind home team dugout?! You gotta know someone or marry into seats like that at many a ballpark. With the except of game 7 of the ALCS, there were seats 'tarped off' because they weren't being used. Game 7, I'd bet ya dinner more than 1/2 those seats were Red Sox fans. In fact, they were giving away tickets to the game, GAME 7 of the ALCS mind you, last night outside the Trop!!! Real fans believe in the heart and soul of their team, the players, the goal. Rays fans are the definition of bandwagon fans. I mean, seriously, did most St. Pete/TB residents even know there was an MLB team there in, say, September?! I mean, you'd see highlights of games on ESPN, the club playing good baseball, but empty seats abound! And now they made the playoffs their so-called fans are coming out in droves?! Child, please! If you have to give away free tickets or pay people to come see the team, that's not a fan...that's pathetic!

Granted, there are some Rays fans who have been fans since the start, since back when they sucked and were the Devil Rays, D Rays for those of us who think saying 'Devil' takes way too much effort. But the blue mohawks, the idiotic cowbells...people, please! When the Fenway Faithful yell and cheer so loudly that we drown out the cowbells....message to the Rays...your team ain't 1/2 bad...too bad your fans suck!!!

Someone asked me who I'd root for...uh, really no one but if I gotta pick, I say GO PHILLIES!! At least their fans have been fans for more than 3 weeks!

In Losing There Is Still Winning

2008-10-20T17:55:00.002-04:00

So, here I sit, like hundreds and thousands of Red Sox fans, trying to rub, heat, cool & soothe the wound that is not making it to the World Series by thismuch. Last night, as I was watching the last innings, keeping faith, as we are prone, as Sox fans, to doing, my mind kept sliding to 'go Philllies!' and I couldn't figure out why...until we lost.'

So today, as I'm still taking it in, watching the world move around me as I slog along between a very bad cold/flu/serious lack of appetite amd the loss, I'm thinking 'things could be worse.' Most of my fellow fans agree. With Lowell, Papi (Ortiz to those of you not in the inner sanctum) and Beckett among others noticeably hurting, we somehow made it to the post-season. Then we made it thru the ALDS, out playing the Angels, who if we're being specific should be the LAAA but who cares. We made the Rays go 7 which, in my mind is important. We battled back. We played our hearts out and we left every last drop of anything at all on the field. That is the best, coolest, most heroic way to play the game, win or lose. No, we don't get rings and a kick-ass parade this year. We do however, get to hold our heads high and be both grateful and proud of a job very, very well done by our team. Thru ailments, weirdness, Manny being Manny, position changes, additions and subtractions, we made it to the post-season and damn nearly to the World Series. Nobody starts the season with the idea that they're going to play 162 games and go home. Your goal in any sport is not just to finish that game/day/race/match on top but to win the whole damn thing!

I will say, our 8-7 comeback in game 5 made me laugh out loud. Our game 6 win had me going 'neener-neener' even as I knew how hard game 7 was going to be. We lost but we won. We have the best, most die-hard fans in any sport, in my humble opinion. Thru snow, wind, rain, driving rain, cold, hot, we sit, we stay, we watch & cheer. Thru 9 innings or more we sit and are loyal. We played awesome baseball. Lester threw brilliantly. We won because we stuck together, we played as a team, through the season, thru the bumps. We know when to say 'I screwed up, I should have done more', when to say nothing and when to say praise our teammates. We got rid of Manny, the malignancy noone really knew was there until it got all sorts of funky and we removed/released it!

We win as a team; we lose as a team. I am so very proud of this team because we conquered adversity and did it anyway! That's winning all day long.

Work from Home!! Really!!

2008-10-04T19:28:00.002-04:00

Let's be honest...the economy's not great. Even for those of us with college degrees and mountains of experience.

"I know! I know! What can I do, though?" You ask.

Well, I'll be honest, and tell you that first I kinda tore myself apart, blaming myself, trying to figure out what I had done wrong and any and every other thing I could think of. Lots of digging to find problems, causes, possible solutions.

So, I've found a few really great, legitimate work from home opportunities and thought I'd share.

E-mail adminassistadapps@gmail.com for more information.

Got That Sinking Feeling?....It's Not Just You!

2008-10-01T00:34:00.002-04:00

So, 2 years and 2 days ago, my grampa passed away. 10/2 will be 2 years since we buried him. 11/1 will be 2 years since I was fired...the 1st time....to save $43K! 3/7 of this year, 2008, I was fired/layed off the 2nd time. 2 different companies, same industry. The 1st time I never saw it coming the 2nd time, I saw it coming, internally and externally.

Now, allow me to explain. The 1st company had 'created a new position [just for me]' if you ever are interviewed for something like this, say NO!! Unless they have a very clear PD, say NO!! I had been yelled at once or twice but nothing fire-worthy, or so I thought. It was, little did I know, the beginning of their downslide. It's taken less than 2 years and they're on their last leg. New construction, and all the people, subs, vendors it employs are taking a hit. My boss called me into the HR office at 4:15 in the afternoon and said 'we're going in a different direction and no longer require your services. We'll be giving you a month's severance pay and a recommendation.'

I guess I was supposed to freak out, thrash around, ball hysterically, make a scene and heaven knows what else. I had never been let go before so I just got teary, said 'ok', packed up my stuff and left. Found out about 2 weeks after it happened that several people knew it was coming and didn't bother to say anything. (When they later also were fired, I am assuming they finally understood what I went through.) I got home, called my mom and told her, updated my resume, called a few other friends and lost it later that night. I just couldn't even figure out what I had done wrong, what I could have done better or any of the rest. That is one of the most daunting things about losing your job. Unless you're reprimanded or you see things are ugly around you, it's a shock to your system. There's also no point in questioning, pondering, going thru the 900 'what if's' or any of the rest of it. Human nature dictates that we'll do this because we want to 'fix it' in our psyche, except you can't. I started looking for jobs 11/1, in the evening, woke up the next morning and my mind was upside down...I remember waking up and thinking 'well, this is interesting...I have no place to be...' I made it my business to apply for jobs daily, hard core, after I'd taken some time to 'absorb it'. After nearly 2 months of unemployment, I landed a job with a real estate firm, the first one, out of more than 300 apps submitted, that called me for an interview. I needed a job. I was sorta interested in it...

Cut to 3/7/08. I'm at my desk. My co-worker had taken the day off as a travel day so I was by myself. It was raining, a Friday, about 4:30 or so. I was putting a listing into the computer. My boss came in and said he needed to talk to me. I had earned more last year than they did, they being my co-bosses, who owned the company. That was a problem and so they were going to have to let me go. There was a lot swirling in my head at the time. I cried at my desk, as I packed it up, because it was not a good time to lose my job [not that there is ever a good time but I digress], I was angry I had worked my butt off and for what? and I was mad I hadn't 'beat the clock' as it were...and found a new job 1st. Backtracking to September 2007, I remember the day that Homebanc in Raleigh closed. I had a buyer call me and say 'is it a bad thing when I cannot get a hold of my bank? I went over to their office and there's a chain and lock on the door.' Um, yes, that's a bad thing. Several days later, I talked to a girl who, several days prior, had been a loan officer at Homebanc. She still had personal affects at the office and they were letting them in, 2 at a time, with a security guard, to get their stuff out [because the security dude wouldn't notice if you're stealing something and because, really, Homebanc was gonna miss that extra pen!]. She was at Countrywide now and told me that they had just received a 'cash injection of $10 million to write loans through 12/31'. It was in that moment, back in SEPTEMBER 2007, that I went home and started looking in earnest for a new job...I looked at our numbers daily and knew we weren't closing homes so we weren't getting paid. This wasn't as big a shock, or maybe it was, but for very different reasons. I saw this lay off coming but it's like the death of a loved one, you can KNOW they're going to pass away and yet, when it happens, it stills obliterates the world you were in just minutes before. So I had looked, and looked, put feelers out everywhere...and kept seeing houses not selling, other agents being out of work, AHM closing out of nowhere and the list went on. Those of us in banking/real estate/mortgages saw this coming...but it's kinda like a hurricane...you can "prep" yourself but then it's a matter of waiting for the inevitable and hoping it's not 'the worst'.

I never in a million years thought I would be able to say to someone who is unemployed 'I know how you feel.' and be able to empathize with that person. I do know how it feels. I never thought, with a college degree, years of experience, the whole gamut, that I would ever be without a job. It is not fun but I've learned a lot. I have also run the gamut of emotions. Happy I don't have to dress up, put on make up, deal with chick drama or office politics, waste gas money, sit in traffic. Pissed off because I dont' have to do those same things. Angry with myself for not seeing it...for not finding a job in time, for not having been a better employee, done more, worked harder.

I am happy about several things though. My mom was in a head on collision 3/31 and I was able [thanks to the generosity of one of my best friends & the lack of a job] to go be with her when she had surgery and help take care of her and the house and keep it together when it fell apart. God blessed me with that. I was forced to move in with my parents again because I ran out of money and couldn't get UEBs again. I moved back to FL, where I still am, and have been blessed with being able to help my mom thru her recovery, humor my step-dad and tend the house.

I am happy that I know that my friends, all of them, in fact, are real friends. I owe some of them apologies for not keeping in better touch but you get to a point where you don't want to share your sadness, issues, situation with them...you feel like nobody needs to hear your story.

I am happy that I found legitimate sources for online employment which rock! It's something, right?!

I am happy that I'm re-training in IT work and HTML because it will provide a foundation for great jobs and a great future.

I am happy that I am able, every day, to find things to be grateful for, to realize how very blessed I am.

Am I perky every day? No. DO I have days when I want to scream? I do. I cry every now and again, I let myself feel the negative stuff because I have to honor it. When I say 'it's nobody's fault' do I believe that? Yes, I do. Owners have to pay themselves 1st. The point of blaming others would be? Why would I waste my time spewing negative emotions? Who does that help? I'm not saying you shouldn't do it...it's just not for me.

I believe in God, that he will never give me more than I can handle, that I am stronger than I know how to be, that I am more than I think I am and that everything will be OK.

If you need a lift, a shoulder or whatnot, leave a comment...working on getting a link on here so you can e-mail me. I've been there, I'm still quasi-there and I'm happy to do what I can to honor the negative, uplift you where I can and offer advice and direction, if you like...I listen well too.

My Challenge to My Friends...

2008-09-30T01:50:00.003-04:00

So, if you know me you know that every time there's an election, I repeat several [hundred] times that you must vote, you live in a country where it is a right...where people don't shoot at you, you can choose...and it is your duty as a citizen. My friends are always astonished when I post stuff with info on all candidates, issues, party stuff, etc...well, duh! It's called a choice, people! I assume my friends can read and think and thusly judge for themselves. Not that complicated!

So, this year, I believe, will be unique...for many, many reasons. I have a unique challenge for my friends and anyone else who reads this....go beyond voting. 'What?' you ask. 'Uh, ok...what do you mean?'

I mean, google the US Senate and House sites, find out who represents you and how you contact them. Sign up for the updates about legislation, current issues of interests [which you can customize] and so on. Now, instead of sitting back and watching stuff like the mortgage crisis happen and blaming, wondering, fingerpointing and posturing,DO something. It takes surprisingly little effort to make yourself heard.

A perfect example, today, 9/29/08, Congress was ready to vote on the $700 Billion dollar Economic Crisis Act. Both sides had the required votes. Millions of citizens, constituents of these Represenative, called, faxed and e-mailed their objection to the bail out and look what happened. It failed. Yes, something needs to happen and yes, it tanked the stock market but the upside of it, and yes, there's an upside, democracy was in action and the people who represent us and our interests in Washington [oh yeah, that thing we elect and PAY THEM to do!] did their job, listened to those they represent and said 'no'. So Congress doesn't get their usual long break. Deal with it!

If 1/4 of the eligible citizens of this country got 'in the know', paid attention and spoke up via phone, fax or e-mail 25% of the time, it would change politics as usual. Obama can't do it alone. Even though he and his supporters seem to think he's the Messiah, he is not. [for those of you to whom that's a body blow, take a moment] McCain can't do it alone. Yup, he is a maverick and he's angered his party many times by saying 'uh, ok, this is not ok or good for the American people so I'm voting not how the President or GOP leaders want me to vote but how I can best rep the people who sent me here.'

The point is, if you can spend 15 min to an hour kavetching, whining and complaining [yes, that means you too!!], spend 5-15 minutes figuring how who is your voice in DC, how you contact them to let them hear your voice and let's get a move on!

Politics as usual stops when we say it does...you with me?