six impossible things before breakfast

safe as houses

2009-02-16T22:13:00.004-05:00

The house is quiet and feels empty for the first time in several weeks. Thomas has gone off for training in Middle Tennessee for several days, and while it's nice to have a little time to myself for a change, I find I miss him more than I thought it possible for *me* to miss *anyone*. I'm constantly humbled by the intensity of my affection for him, and by the sense of comfort and completeness in my life, now.

It's actually somewhat awkward at times, because I feel as if I've spent much of my life trying to be completely independent -- to not rely too much on any one person, to not put all my eggs in one basket, to always keep the people I love at arm's length. And now, I find myself accepting help when it's offered and allowing myself to seek a sense of security from another person -- all those things I told myself for years were Terribly Bad Ideas. Yet, now, I'm doing them, and they seem like the healthiest and most natural things in the world.

Which is not to suggest that things are perfect, of course, because they never are. But the things I always braced myself against I've actually found quite pleasant. The over-abundance of physical contact, the slow-yet-steady merging of his stuff with mine, the need to rearrange all the furniture in my house in order to accommodate moving Thomas's bed into my room -- all things I would have expected to freak me out, and instead all things that make me feel completely safe and warm inside. And the things that do nettle me slightly are things I would not have expected in a million years -- silly and petty jealousies, moodiness from not seeing someone for a length of time. I cook and I clean and there are times I hardly recognize myself -- but then, I think back on the restlessness, the longing, the anxiety, and how I felt so out-of-touch with myself so much of the time, and I wonder if I'd spent all those years trying desperately to be something I was not at all. Despite my gruff, independent demeanor and my careful analytic emotional dissections, what if I really was a person who really *needed* people, and someone who desperately wanted to love and be loved in return?

And I suppose, now, instead of fighting against and resisting those tendencies, I'm accepting that it's perfectly fine to need people, and to need love. That I *do* need people; that I *do* need love. And such an incredible sense of freedom, to permit myself to really *feel* -- the good things, the bad things. Not having to rationalize for the sake of explanation. To accept and embrace emotions rather than dismiss them.

And Devon from 2006 is rolling over in her grave right now.

Outside of all that, life continues apace. Work systematically frustrates and amuses me; I try to write occasionally, almost always cock-blocked by my harsh inner critic; Aisling goes to school and plays video games and ventures outside when I force her to do so; I see friends and brainstorm grand schemes and fall in love with Knoxville as time allows. It's a good life, and one I think I've secretly always wanted.

"Are you happy?" "I am happy!" ~ Nobuta wo Produce

My house will smell like bacon forever.

2009-01-01T20:01:00.003-05:00

I really need to be washing my dishes. I think I used every single plate that I own last night, and the kitchen is an absolute mess. But I had a *fantastic* New Year's celebration. I rang in 2009 with the new group of Knoxville friends I met via Twitter, and it was ever so much fun. I invited everyone over for Breakfast food, where I cooked pancakes and French Toast like mad, and my brother volunteered to prepare bacon for everyone, and one of my guests brought a weird Jack Daniels syrup concoction which was actually quite delicious. There were tarot cards to be read, and wii games to play, and copious amounts of drinking, of course. Various conversations about William Blake and Germany and ghosts, and I made my version of the Moon and Stars drink for everyone who immediately became addicted. It was quite possibly the biggest, most successful party I've ever thrown, and I was so very pleased to be surrounded by awesome people. And ringing in the New Year with a long, romantic kiss wasn't half-bad, either. ;-)

I spent the day doing laundry at Thomas's house because my washing machine is still broken, and his family fed me black-eyed-peas with hog jowl, so I can be sure to keep the good luck and fortune I've so recently found. His parents also played the most terrible CD by a local couple and Knoxville that... I don't even have words for, honestly. It's one of those things that's so terrible it's almost awesome -- I think Thomas is planning on sharing via blip.fm sometime soon. Much laughter and much lazy.

Tomorrow, I'm bringing Ais into work with me for part of the day. Hopefully she'll be patient with me through that process.

All-in-all, I couldn't have asked for a better New Year's Eve or New Year's Day. Feeling happy and good about pretty much everything right now. Here's hoping everyone else's 2009 has started off on similarly happy notes.

laughing at the christmas lights

2008-12-29T13:42:00.003-05:00

Life continues apace. Holidays came and went. Several major stories over the past few weeks, including but not limited to: the discovery of gallstones in my innards, my family & several close friends meeting my new beau, and my place of employment playing Santa Claus and gifting Aisling and I with a wii. I was fortunate to spend good quality time with both Dustin and Erin over the holidays, which I was grateful for, having missed them both so much, and I also got to spend a lot of time with my mother and grandmother, which was also good. Last night, I bought myself sushi, drank the last bit of the Lambrusco, turned on all my Christmas lights, and watched the last episode of Nobuta wo Produce (the Christmas episode) all snuggled with Thomas on my living room couch. New Year's Eve, I'm inviting several peeps over to my house for breakfast foods and champagne -- and drunken wii games, more-likely-than-not.

As per the most recent trends, I am happy, loved, petted, well-fed, and in constant amazement of the serenity I feel.

I've done so much with my life in 2008. Found house and home, found self, found love. Together -- really *together*, for perhaps the first time... well, maybe ever, but definitely in years, at the very least. Here, approaching the end of the third decade of my life, and finally settled comfortably into the good life I've made for myself -- good house, good job, good love. Still not always *completely* convinced I deserve such blessings, of course, and still somewhat frightened that I'll do something fabulously ridiculous to spoil it all, but -- less so than before, much less anxious now.

I didn't keep a single resolution from last year, and I'm not entirely sure what I would change in my life now. So happy, the way things are moving, the way my life looks. I suppose that I hope that 2009 is a continuation of the same happy, excited calm. I wouldn't change a thing, even if I could.

Batman is totally a ninja.

2008-12-07T02:08:00.005-05:00

Aisling and I have been spending the weekend with Nathaniel, and it's been a rather nice one thus far. I brought China Pearl from West Knoxville, which none of us had eaten since I moved from Farragut last year and it was *delicious*, and Nathaniel caught me up on Big Bang Theory and Naruto, forced me to watch the movie Hancock (which was actually not entirely terrible), and revealed to me that he had the Mortal Kombat vs DC Universe game for his XBox 360, which provided hours of amusement. (I heart Mortal Kombat, even if I *do* totally suck at it and only subscribe to the Pushing All Of The Buttons school of play.) We also finally got through the rest of On the Rain-Slick Precipice of Darkness which is such a completely brilliant game. (Robot Monkey Fights -- that's all I'm sayin'. And serious kudos to Nate for waiting for my return visit to finish up the game.)

We dug out Christmas decorations and put up Nate's tree, and Nate tried to make his famous family custard as I baked chocolate chip cookies. Aisling also demonstrated more of her potential film-making skills, and I believe she and Nate watched the SEC Championship while I was out and about this afternoon. As an added bonus, I also got to finally catch up with Meghan for the first time in ages, and that was an extremely happy thing. So... all in all, a pretty good weekend so far.

There is, of course, still a certain amount of inevitable awkwardness and unfamiliar distance between Nate and I, now, as we adjust our dynamic to allow for the fact that I've fallen for somebody else. It's difficult to navigate through at times, but it's completely understandable. To be perfectly honest, all things considered, we're actually doing an incredible job of getting along and "keeping things normal" in spite of everything -- but it's to be expected, really. We do have a rather strong history of maintaining friendship in spite of changes to our dynamic, after all. And I am so very grateful for that.

like the air of december

2008-12-05T09:46:00.002-05:00

There is a strong possibility that, as Christmas approaches, I may spontaneously combust from the combination of my usual holiday high spirits and the intense amount of twitterpation I am happily suffering from right now. ♥

Last night, I met Thomas's family. I was, as per usual, ridiculously and needlessly nervous about the whole thing, and they were, as Thomas had promised, absolutely fabulous. Thomas's house was full of turtles (decorative *and* live ones), and the door frame to the storage room documented the heights of the household the way my grandfather's kitchen doorway documented mine, and my brother's, and later Aisling's - in horizontal marks, labeled by year. As such, I felt a sort of odd comfortable familiarity with this house I'd never seen before -- despite the fact that Thomas's dog *totally* wanted to kill me.

It struck me, at some point last night, or early this morning (the difference between those two times of day is becoming increasingly blurred for me) that while I have had periods in my life where I felt very calm and still, and periods where I was intensely and ridiculously happy, it has always been a novelty for me to experience both simultaneously. True to my Gemini nature, the calm has often inspired feelings of intense restlessness, and the amplified happiness has generally been accompanied by a nervous energy and a generalized anxiety that happiness is always transient and it's just a matter of time before the world comes crashing down around my ears.

I am happy to announce that here, in December, I am ridiculously happy, yet simultaneously calm and still in my own heart. And I am walking through my life without looking up, with absolutely no fear that the sky might fall at any moment. And that's a great place to be.

We're back here again...? Wha...?

2008-12-04T10:25:00.002-05:00

Yes, I know -- I have a problem. *sigh*

See, here's the thing. I go through phases where I completely want to divorce myself from the entire history of my life. This is immediately followed by a wave of nostalgia where I spend hours flipping through old website pages and terrible teenage poetry, and then I become frustrated that said history is not easily accessible, indexed, and readily available for any interested parties. Best I can figure, I'm basically the same way Thomas describes the Nintendo wii -- I'm just a vessel for nostalgia; I can't help it.

Best summed up in the most famous Devon Koren quote of all time:

"I like shoes! ... No, I don't."

So, yet again, I've decided to live my life in the public eye, Devil take the consequences. And once again, I will attempt to resurrect my entire body of work -- fiction, poetry, and journal -- beneath the "another wonderland" umbrella.

I swear this is not just some elaborate compensation because I'm secretly terrified that, as an artist, my Best Days Are Behind Me.

*cough*

Yeah, okay -- that's *totally* it. But! As far as the Art of Living is concerned, it looks as if my Best Days are right in front of me. So... there's that, at least. XD

Me and my impulsive tendencies.

2008-09-24T10:09:00.000-04:00

I had a fantastic day yesterday. Work went smoothly, Aisling was in a good mood, I ended taking an extended lunch hour to watch WALL-E again with my new friend Thomas, I found a four-leaf clover, and I took Aisling out to eat at Leo’s Cafe. I forget sometimes that, when I am left to my own devices, I am a highly impulsive creature, and really the only thing that keeps me in check is the fact that Aisling operates so much better when my life is going according to schedule.

I worry about this sometimes. As soon as I was free of my mother and grandparents’ rules and regulations during my first year of college, I went a little crazy with freedom, and flew through those early years of my official adulthood being rash and impulsive, making poor decisions and never thinking about the consequences of my actions. Now, those impulses are kept somewhat in check by my need to maintain a stable and secure environment for Aisling, but I still nearly explode when I have the least amount of freedom to move (for example, the absolute lush I become each year at DragonCon) and my impulsive behavior rears its chaotic head in the form of random purchases and last-minute outings — which may help explain why my bank book much too closely resembles that of the big players on Wall Street. Of course, they get the opportunity for the government to bail them out of their messy debt. I, on the other hand, have to figure mine out on my own.

Last night, I revised my budget, trying to figure out a way to pay off credit *without* living off credit, which has always been a tricky business for me. Obviously, I have to stop eating out, taking so many road trips, purchasing things I really don’t need (like my tendency to buy random soundtracks from iTunes), etc. But also, I cut corners to a greater extreme. I have this fancy cable television that I really don’t need. I watch it because it’s there, but there are few things I actually really thoroughly enjoy that I couldn’t find elsewhere (re: my $6 a month Netflix account) so now I’m down to the cable modem and the television that comes with that, and cable-phone service which I feel I need for security purposes, and Aisling. I’m cancelling my membership to the RUSH - I only actually make it to the gym on average once or twice a month, and the rest of the time I work out at the gym downstairs at work or at home. I’m also going to cancel Aisling’s piano and gymnastics lessons, at least for the time being. She doesn’t enjoy them anymore (she always calls Thursdays the Worst Days Ever) and in addition to the cost of the lessons, I have to pay the high gas prices to drive all the way from North to West Knoxville and back once a week, plus a fast-food purchase on the way home because it’s much too late to prepare dinner by the time we get back. Those four changes alone will save me nearly $200 a month, and if I can be mindful about my daily purchases and use coupons, etc., I could likely save even more.

The biggest issue for me is to simply get away from this mindset I have of being “entitled” to luxuries I can’t afford, and also to further keep in check my rather impulsive habits. Or, at least, to find more creative and “free” ways to have impulsive adventures. Instead of driving to the Zoo, for example, taking Aisling for a walk around the neighborhood to explore things. Throwing last-minute parties around my house. Because, like it or not, I *am* impulsive and spontaneous at times, and those tendencies only become more pronounced the more I try to supress them.

It ain't as easy as it looks.

2008-09-22T09:58:00.000-04:00

At times, I feel as if I make the whole Being A Single Mother and Raising an Autistic Child gig look pretty easy. On most days, Aisling and I have entirely too much fun, and I simply find all of the “oddities” and “quirks” that are “symptomatic” of autism endearing personality traits. And true enough - if I keep her to a schedule, if I keep all of my promises, if I own up to my end of the checks-and-balances that I’ve carefully constructed over the years, then the machinery runs smoothly, and she follows my lead with little fuss.

The fatal flaw in this system, however, is the fact that it demands for my full-time 100% best foot forward. And even the best of us have bad days. And I am by far not the best.

This was definitely an “off” weekend for me. I sailed across Thursday and Friday on a manic social high, and immediately crashed upon waking Saturday morning, in a crabby mood that was further exacerbated by the terrible Tennessee/Florida football game and my MacBook’s decision to lose access to its operating system. As such, I spent most of the evening on the couch, drifting in and out of sleep, and spent much of the next day doing the same — which resulted in Aisling playing too many video games, and neither one of us actually getting out and doing anything constructive, worthwhile, or fun. Aisling had already been thrown off balance by my decision to throw a Spontaneous Pirate Party on Friday night, and on Saturday was in a poor mood because we could never confirm an invite for her best friend, Chase, to come over and play, and when we went to rent games for our own “slumber party” on Saturday, we discovered that our local Blockbuster does not carry DS or GameCube games.

At any rate, fast-forward to this morning — where I woke up queasy (probably from too much pizza this weekend) and did not feel like doing my workout. This has become part of Aisling’s morning routine, as well, since she requests I wake her up to watch my workout. Again, this threw her off her routine, and then I realized as I was packing her lunch that she had homework she needed to finish over the weekend (I didn’t check on Friday because she usually doesn’t have homework on the weekends) and I became frustrated with her for not telling me about the homework, and for not being able to dress herself in the proper clothes (I laid clothes out for her but she ignored them and immediately pulled on playclothes for school while I was taking a shower.) I was trying to correct her behavior, when she immediately started crying — and I got angry with her for crying, one of those carry-over traits from my own upbringing that I really, really wish I could shake, but for some reason can’t seem to manage it. At any rate, it was a bad morning.

I’ve been doing this long enough now, of course, to understand the factors that cause bad mornings such as these to happen, to know what I can do to correct them, and also to understand that it’s not the end of the world if we happen to have a bad day here and there. I understand that I can’t be perfect all of the time, and that it does take an extreme amount of energy and discipline on my part to keep the world running smoothly for her. I also understand that I can’t keep her insulated from the chaos that is the Real World forever, and sooner or later she’ll need to learn to regulate her own life without the artificial scheduling and security that I attempt to provide. Still - mornings like this are difficult, no matter who you are.

Oh no, not again.

2008-09-20T09:38:00.001-04:00

“Curiously enough, the only thing that went through the mind of the bowl of petunias as it fell was Oh no, not again. Many people have speculated that if we knew exactly why the bowl of petunias had thought that we would know a lot more about the nature of the universe than we do now.” - The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

So, yes. I am, once again, beginning a new blog. Those of you that have been following my website adventures from 1997 are probably quite used to my generalized website commitment-phobia, and will likely take yet another move in strive. All the same, I feel obligated to share my reasoning behind registering devonkoren.net as yet another place on the Internets to record my thoughts.

Maybe six months ago, I became frustrated with web design and online journals in general and decided to move my entire site underground on a Gopher server. While I’ve greatly enjoyed my time in Gopherspace and I’ve every intention on maintaining the site as a sort of catch-all of some of the more random stuff I like to keep track of that might not be of interest to anybody else, I’ve decided to begin a weblog similar in nature to ones I’ve maintained before — just under a different name, and in a slightly different design. There are many reasons for doing this — the most important being that a large majority of my audience simply misses the old blog, and it’s impossible for me to keep up with who is actually reading the Gopherspace. I miss having a more “public” face, and I don’t have to be nearly as concerned about whitewashing that public face since I am no longer a teacher and terrified that I may traumatize my students for life should they ever come across my webspace. I’m finally getting back into the saddle as far as writing is concerned, and composing thoughts in a quasi-thoughtful manner for an interactive audience has always been a decent “finger exercise” for me. Additionally, I’m kicking around the idea of reinventing my old video podcast, and if I do I will be posting episodes here. As such, I’ve come back to the crazy multimodal format of http.

For those of you completely new to my writing, my blog, and my life — well, hullo! I’m Devon Koren. I recently purchased a house in North Knoxville, Tennessee, where I live with my beautiful, nine-year-old autistic daughter, Aisling, and our cat, Pantoufle. I have my Master’s in English with an emphasis in Creative Writing, and I taught English at our local university for a few semesters until I realized that I only wanted to have fun conversations with people younger than me and introduce them to cool snippets of pop culture. (Well, there were also the budget cutbacks and the not-having-health-insurance problem.) Now I work in an office for a local corporation, which means I often feel as if I’m living my life at Dunder Mifflin. I’m obsessed with Highway 11, Doctor Who, striped toe-socks, and Twitter, and I spend entirely too much time attempting to do as little as humanly possible.

One day, however, I will write the Great American Novel, and my life will be complete. At that point, perhaps I’ll be able to actually commit to one particular webspace and site design for more than a year at a time.

quick update

2007-11-14T10:35:00.001-05:00

I am up to my neck in student papers and job applications, but here's the sitch:

Due to a rearrangement in the distribution of funds at the university, and due to the university's concern of having employees working full-time loads without health insurance or benefits, the status of part-time lecturers is changing. Part-time lecturers can only hope to teach at most two courses each semester, and it is likely that many of us will not have positions in the spring semester at all. I have not, as of yet, been assigned a section. As such, I have started up the job hunt, this time looking also in the field of technology for a possible better paying and more stable position.

In the meantime, however -- I do have to finish the four sections of 101 that I'm currently teaching. So, if it seems I've dropped off the face of the planet, just imagine me beneath a large pile of student papers -- that will be a pretty accurate depiction of what I'm currently doing.

Stay tuned.

...and then she picked up my biological clock and shook it around a bit.

2007-10-24T18:55:00.000-04:00

This afternoon I stopped by my local Planned Parenthood for the annual exam of all my womanly bits. I was honest and forthcoming about all of my health information, from the fact I only like to eat chewable vitamins to my general sexual habits and orientations. Overall, I was feeling pretty good about the exam, because I was basically being told I was doing everything right and I was living pretty healthy, all things considered.

The Nurse Practitioner then asked me if I was interested in having more children.

"Oh, y'know," I said. "Maybe...? I'm really not sure. I think I'd like to have another kid."

"Well," she said, "you just need to be aware that if you do want to have another kid, you need to start thinking about that in the next 5-7 years."

This "countdown" of my biological clock -- plus the fact she wanted me to start using birth control to skip periods all together in order to avoid specific problems that begin affecting women "my age" -- really served as a harsh reminder that, despite the fact I may look fifteen, I am definitely a full grown adult woman.

And to be perfectly honest, I really don't know how I feel about the idea of having more children. Despite the fact I think I'm a pretty kick-ass mom and I love the hell out of the whole parenting gig, even if I were to go and get myself knocked up tomorrow, there'd be nearly an entire decade of an age gap between Aisling and a younger sibling, and I'm not sure how that would manifest in their relationship with each other. Not to mention, one of few real perks of having a child so young is the idea that I myself will still be young enough to go out and do a lot of the things I missed out on the first time around. Assuming that Aisling will be able to live self-sufficiently, I'll be able to travel, to socialize, to become involved with my community, to write my little heart out, take up dancing -- I will, after all, only be 38 years old when Aisling turns 18. There's something appealing to me about that sort of lifestyle -- like I'll be that crazy, single, middle-aged lady with tons of charm and energy and ideas. If I ended up having another kid, even now, I'd have to wait until my mid-forties to finally have some "time to myself."

On the other hand, I produce kids who come up with stuff like this:

It's sort of a shame I don't make more of them and populate the world with their absolute coolness.

Also -- she and I actually have dinner conversations now. And that's just awesome.

Too busy in this life.

2007-10-14T20:35:00.000-04:00

I've been spending almost all of my time lately preparing lessons for classes, grading papers, recording grades, looking over quizzes, answering student emails, and other teaching-related activities. Any time left has been spent helping Aisling with homework, ushering her to gymnastics or horse riding, or doing that elusive thing called "spending quality time together." I've also had to designate time for cleaning and chores, and I've tried to put aside a few minutes a day to play Animal Crossing on the GameCube just to keep myself sane. However, there have been two major Events O' Fun that have occurred recently, and I wanted to quickly record and relate them.

A few weeks ago, I showed up at a surprise birthday party for my old friend Matthew whom I hadn't seen since his wedding. It was really amazing, and I got to see a couple of other friends I hadn't seen in years, too -- Chris, David, and Kevin. It was very nice to hang out and catch up. It's amazing how with Matthew and Chris, years can go by, yet we seem to almost always pick up exactly where we left off when we see each other again. There is something very comforting about that fact. It really was the first time in years I've felt completely at ease in a large social situation. Plus, there were country roads, and bonfires, and all of the stars in the sky above. I really miss that view of the stars, and I really miss the mountains at night. I felt extremely homesick afterwards. You would think I'd be close enough living in Knoxville, but it really is an entirely different world back home, and I miss it.

Also, this weekend, I went on a short road trip over fall break with my daughter, my mom, and my grandmother -- four generations of women heading to the beach! We went to a little place called Kure Beach in North Carolina, which happens to be on Pleasure Island in Cape Fear, which amused the hell out of me. It really was a beautiful place. Not Pawley's Island by any stretch of the means, but still nice. Aisling had a wonderful time. We played on the beach and in the water a lot, and my grandmother and mother walked around and picked up shells and laid out in the sun and talked, and that was nice, too. We also had awesome food, and the usual road trip antics, such as traveling on a stretch of road for nearly 200 miles without any food establishments to be found, and my grandmother threatening to get out of the car and steal peanuts from the neighboring farms along the road. The reason I love traveling is because of my family -- in particular my mom, who really makes driving long distances fun as hell. We also walked along the beach at night drinking Watermelon Smirnoffs and talking about the prophecies of Nostradamus (yes, some things never change!) But we had this wonderful little hotel right off the beach, and it was fun to sit out on the balcony and listen to the waves all night. I got a terrible, terrible sunburn, of course, because I seem to think I am impervious to UV rays and that I am above the need for sunscreen. Alas, I am paying for my arrogance now, oh yes.

In my personal life, I'm contemplating a lot of things, quietly. My dreams are stormy and messy, full of old spooky houses and haints of all sorts. I'm having bizarre emotional experiences, and I'm trying to figure out exactly what I want my life to look like and decide what I need to do to get to that place. All the while being mindful of my pervasive psychological issues, and of course trying to decide what is best for Aisling, too. Like I said -- spending a lot of time thinking, quietly. A new thing for me, to be sure, but I believe it's been pretty effective so far, so am pretty sure I should keep on with it. That, along with the useful advice-to-self of "stay perfectly still" when these moods come over me.

Just, y'know, when I convert to Catholicism and move to Ireland to marry a shipbuilder, don't be too surprised.

barely breathing

2007-10-04T09:45:00.000-04:00

My thanks to everyone who posted useful links to my last entry. Eventually, I will have stories of fun meetings with old friends, and individual thank-you's to all, but right now I am in the midst of a paper-grading coma, and I don't anticipate release until early next week sometime. Of course, by then there will likely be a whole new set of things to distract and otherwise occupy me. Man, busy.

In other news, Aisling is writing Animal Crossing fan fiction. Also, I observed her in the classroom this morning. She looked... incredibly bored, to be honest. Lots of stemming, squirming, and spacing out, but nothing disruptive to the class. Of course, the fact that the classroom activities are designed in such a way that various kids are doing various activities, running around the room, creating noise and visual distractions -- well, I'm sure that doesn't help a child like Aisling with sensory dysfunction to actually -- oh, I don't know -- concentrate on stuff in front of her. All the same, she didn't seem to be *too* much more distracted than the other kids, so that was somewhat comforting. The overabundance of stemming behavior, though -- sharpening pencils, picking her nose, rigid body posture -- did suggest she felt stressed out or overwhelmed by the environment. I don't think I realized how quiet and non-chaotic our house was by comparison. And, I confess -- when the little girl grimaced just because Aisling brushed up against her, I wanted to punch that kid in the mouth. Ah well. Another rant for another time. Since time is something I do *not* have much of right now.

Anyone in the Knoxville area want to ghost-grade for me? ... yeah, I didn't think so.

Unbelievable.

2007-09-27T17:02:00.001-04:00

I am absolutely disgusted that, in trying to find information online to help my autistic daughter deal with anxiety and stress and basically create constructive coping skills, the first five hits on any search string are all centered on how to help parents deal with the stress and anxiety of having an autistic kid. No matter how I phrase it, there is an obvious primary interest on helping parents adjust -- helping the kids learn coping skills themselves seems to be a secondary concern.

I have used multiple search phrases that have yielded similar results:
[autistic children learn to deal with stress]
[autistic children coping skills tips for parents]
[helping autistic children learn to cope]
[coping skills for autistic children]

I understand that being a parent of an autistic child is often very stressful, and I won't argue that some coping skills for parents are probably necessary. But what about the kids themselves? My daughter is currently at-risk for depression according to the school psychiatrist, and I'm sorry, but right now I'm a hell of a lot more concerned about finding some tips and advice on how to help her cope with the fact she's autistic, with the fact that being in a classroom is difficult for her, with the fact that the daily routines of living and communicating cause her undue amounts of stress and anxiety. I think that her emotional well-being is just a *little* more important that my own at this stage in the game, call me crazy.

Anyway. I know I have a pretty wide audience, so if anyone wants to be much more helpful than Google and provide some actual links on things a parent can do to help their autistic kid be less anxious, stressed, and depressed, I'd most appreciate it. I hope the fact that I am not presently in need of coping skills for my own emotional well-being is, in itself, a helpful thing.

house dream

2007-09-12T05:44:00.000-04:00

For some reason, there were a collection of beautiful old, humongous fancy houses in my hometown of Greeneville, Tennessee. They were borderline mansions from the sheer massive size of them, but they were all in various states of disrepair, and all on the market to be sold. For some reason, I decided I wanted to tour through some of them -- curiosity mostly, since I wasn't looking to actually purchase a house and since I worked nowhere near Greeneville. One was old, completely empty, rather spacious and cold-feeling -- high ceilings and large, completely vacant rooms, but it had already been sold. The next house was large, but was full of things -- and, I realized once I walked into it, people. It was a large house with probably a dozen rooms, but there were so many children, and teenagers, parents, grandparents -- even an aunt and uncle -- all living underneath this one roof. I realized they were all sleeping once I walked into the house, so I tried to make my way through the house extremely quietly because I wanted to see what was in it all the same. It was very old, not in a good state at all. Anything metallic in the house was rusty, there were water-stains down many of the walls, the air was old and musty, and everything looked as if it were covered in years of grime. All the same, I felt intensely comforted by the house. It felt like a home. And I came to realize as I was walking through it that this was because of the family. They were all so peaceful, so serene. They all lived under one roof, and it just felt as if they were the types to really look out for each other. And so, despite the fact the house was in total disrepair, I decided I really, really wanted it, simply because I immediately loved so much the family that was living inside.

On my way out of the house, the smallest children woke up. One of the young boys realized he'd left the front door unlocked and started to panic when he saw me, but I explained that I'd just been looking at their house, that I didn't realize there were people still living here, and that I was letting myself out. One of the teenagers woke up next, and the other three children and I explained the situation to him. He advised that I needed to come talk to his parents and explain what I'd been doing there, otherwise they'd be highly concerned and worried once they heard the story from the small children.

So I met the rest of the family, and I explained how much I loved the house. I did start addressing some of my concerns, of course -- the foundation, for one thing, didn't seem to be very sturdy, and I told them so. The teenage boy showed me a weird 3-D diagram and explained how a faulty foundation does not mean that the house is in danger of crumbling in on itself or totally being demolished, that at worse it only means that the house will settle and set a little lopsided -- floors may be warped, etc., but it really didn't pose any immediate danger. The mother invited me to dinner, and I was touched that the family was being so nice to some flake who happened to wander into their house and fall in love with everything inside it, so I agreed. I explained, however, that I needed something beforehand -- perhaps to wash my hands, or to change clothes, or to get some sort of dinner napkin or bib.

"No, you don't understand," the mother said. "We would very much like to have you for dinner."

And the entire family immediately transformed into these weird video-game-like cannibalistic creatures with incredibly sharp teeth, and proceeded to descend upon me.

I avoided them and fought them off, and Nathaniel pulled up outside in his car, so I jumped in and we sped away.

Nathaniel was laughing in the manner he reserves for times when he's attempted to explain something to me, I've refused to listen to him, and he ends up being right.

"Well?" he said. "What did you expect?"

Oh, my daughter is a character.

2007-09-04T18:28:00.000-04:00

Aisling has started writing stories! She was already storyboarding little characters and their adventures in her notebooks, but now she's started adding narration and she writes both action and dialogue, as well. (As soon as she'll let me, I'll try to scan a page or two in.) She was propped up on the pillows on her bed, curled around her notebook, working intently on her story (she'd probably been in there an hour) when I tried to sneak in and take a picture. She hid her face and twisted away from me.

"No, keep writing!" I told her. "I just want to get a picture."
"I can't write when people are taking pictures of me!" she said.

And just now, at dinner, she asked me where our cousin lived, and I said "South Carolina," and she asked where our grandmother lived, and I said "Greeneville, Tennessee."

"Our world is HUMONGOUS!" she exclaimed.

I love that kid. Even when she's sassy.

I am old, Father William.

2007-09-03T23:22:00.000-04:00

So. After years upon years of listening to secondhand accounts of the wonders of DragonCon, I have finally attended. And it was good. However -- much like Bonnaroo -- despite the fact I really did have a fantastic time during my three day geeky bacchanal, I'm not sure it's really anything I would attend a second time around. Much like Bonnaroo, I think it would depend a great deal on who shows up -- content being the driving force behind whatever I do. Not to say I didn't have a great time at the parties I attended, because I totally did -- I got to be drunk around some really great people I haven't seen in a long time, and I got to meet new peeps, which was fun. The costumes were extravagant, the parade was a load of fun, the Weasley twins were adorable (although they reminded me too much of my students) -- but I kept finding myself completely overwhelmed by everything and everyone and just wanting to retreat to a nice quiet place a great deal of the time. Oh I am old, Father William.

As soon as I pick up a FireWire cable at the local Apple store, I will have amazing pictures and footage to show you. In the meantime, however, I will leave you with a short list of things I learned this weekend:

Trains are pretty much the same all over the world, except the ones in America have air conditioning.

When I get really drunk, I'm apparently just a slightly amplified yet slurry version of my everyday self; in other words, I'm *incredibly* friendly, generous, and I enjoy getting in intellectual debates on theoretical political systems.

David Mack is the best ever, srsly. And not just because he gave me free autographed comics and was wicked hot.

Nobody knows who Delirium is anymore.

I have kick-ass friends who let me crash in their pads. And borrow their cameras. And drink their liquor. And follow them around asking a million dumb questions about what's going on. And the thousand other annoying things I'm sure I did as a DragonCon n00b.

Stairs hurt. Especially the morning after.

I am too much of a gentleman for my own good.

I am not nearly the geek I thought I was.

Also, the battery in my car decided to give out last night when my mother picked me up in it from the Amtrak station. When we went to Advance Auto Parts to purchase a new one today, we discovered that the dead battery beneath the hood was still the factory model from 1998. Yes, kids -- that's nearly ten years and 200,000 miles on one friggin' battery. My car is magic, I kid you not.

-- and I've just realized that in my absence from LiveJournal and all things communication-related, I've let slip my attention slip from some really serious situations. Susanne, I love you -- let me catch up on your news and I will try to call you tomorrow.

It's all too much.

2007-08-22T00:17:00.000-04:00

Incredible apologies; I have too much to say, and approximately 30 seconds to post. So -- very, very short numbered list:

1) A very, very happy birthday to my daughter.

2) Most of my time in the past two weeks has been spent on attempting to create [the best syllabus in the world]. I've no idea if I've managed to pull it off or not, but I'm sharing it all the same.

3) A couple of weeks ago, one of my former students sent me a message on Facebook asking for advice on graduate school. He said, "By the way, I am now an English major, thanks to your accursed meddling. Seriously, English 101 was quite possibly the best thing that ever happened to me." And that, more than anything, is why I am so excited about my first day of teaching tomorrow.

So. Wish me luck!

I'm not morose; I'm just lonely.

2007-08-07T23:43:00.001-04:00

I've spent the better part of the last two hours watching old video footage from my early-to-mid twenties. I should probably preface this with the fact that I've always been obsessed with video cameras, that I have in the past been rather demanding of capturing friends on camera, that this long-winded documentary of my life serves as my own personal pensieve -- I place my memories in and come back to them later without fear of them getting lost in the shuffle of things. And that the only reason I no longer resemble Mark Cohen from Rent is because my friends and family -- even the once camera-ham Aisling -- have grown weary of my lens, and politely ask me to turn it off whenever I bring the recorder out of its dusty box on the top shelf of the coat closet.

There's actually a quote from Ely in these movies, when I was warning her that I was coming to the end of one of the video tapes, and she was glad I had more to record with. "I'm going to die one day; I'm not going to be twenty-three forever!" And that is exactly how I felt, the entire time I placed my friends in wide-angle shots, under the scrutiny of a quick zoomed close-up. I always had a fear that these things could never last. And, let's face it -- I was right.

Some of my friends have disappeared into the shadowed periphery of my life. I watched footage of Lyndsay, Ely, and I at Perkins after having visited the local goth night at one of the downtown clubs -- that was the very last time the three of us hung out together, before we finally accepted the fact that life moved us in different directions and we couldn't cling to relationships that had already changed. And we have -- all of us -- changed. We're more reserved, more closed-off, bitter, perhaps even a little full of guilt. In some ways, our lives and interactions have become more intimate; in others -- and especially in mine -- there's the heightened feeling of solitude, of being separate and alone.

Some things, however, are certain:

1) Before Aisling mastered the English language, she rambled in an animated yet abstract manner, seemingly without purpose. I swear to god, the child sounded like an Ewok. She was so very obviously autistic, as opposed to now, where strangers argue with me about her diagnosis.

2) My grandmother has aged frightening amounts in the past five years.

3) When I was young, I didn't know Erin even half as well as I thought I did, and as such I was completely oblivious to just how much I was annoying the fuck out of her 65% of the time.

4) Y'all say what you want, but Nate looked damn good with long hair.

5) My voice seems to have dropped an octave in the past five years, and I carry myself now with a slightly less silly and slightly more sarcastic demeanor. I mumble more, I prefer sounding "intelligent" over sounding "cute", and I am much more preoccupied with the thoughts and feelings of those close to me. I really was an incredibly ridiculous twenty-three year old. I don't know how anyone took me seriously.

6) I have done and seen incredible things, and I have had incredible people in my life. When I am dead, I want these videos played at my funeral, just so everyone in the world can truly understand how full my life as been.

that little blond equestrian

2007-08-04T23:55:00.000-04:00

To see pictures of Aisling in the Shangri-La Therapeutic Academy of Riding Horse Show, [click here]. And when you click, I want to be sure you fully appreciate the fact that you are able to view these images from the comfort of your air conditioned home, and did not have to wait three and a half hours before you were able to enjoy them.

it's funny the things that you find in the rain

2007-08-02T09:26:00.001-04:00

From my online journal on 6/9/2001:

"I *can't* conceptionalize the future alone. Perhaps a few years into the future at best - but I *can't* see myself 30 years old and *still* a single mother."

-- and I wave at my twenty-two-year-old self from across the decade that separates us, and I smirk: "Well, honey, looks like you're gonna have to learn to conceptionalize it, as these next two years will go at breakneck speed, and I'm not anticipating any major life changes."

Still -- that explains the panic, doesn't it?

the problem with "fiction"

2007-08-01T09:47:00.000-04:00

I got a message on DailyPlate.com (of all places) from an old high school peer of mine, confessing he had a crush on me back then, and apologizing for the rather unfortunate and "misunderstood" incident of him "kidding around" about trying to drag me under the bleachers to have sex with me, which terrified the crap out of me and caused me to stop talking to him completely.

And at first I was like, "oh, I'm *so* over that -- I should write him back and accept his apology; so funny how I always tended to blow things out of proportion, tee hee!"

-- and then I remembered that I have *totally* turned this guy into a prominent destructive character in my Highway 11 chronicles, and I didn't even have the decency to change his name. And, in fact, the "incident" from my freshman year of high school is the dramatic opening for my own personal Jack Tale (which, incidentally, includes other unchanged first names, as well as employs the true-to-life surnames from my grandfather's ancestry.)

You think I would have learned a thing or two from Thomas Wolfe, seriously. They'll never let me back in Greeneville again.

Pictures from the Midnight Magic party.

2007-07-26T00:02:00.000-04:00

For some reason, I was completely convinced that I took a great many more pictures than just these. I wonder what happened to the rest of them?

And, of course, you can view the entire collection [right over here].

Oh, for these blessings, I shall sing praises.

2007-07-25T15:48:00.000-04:00

So. This afternoon I went to the University of Tennessee to sign the appropriate paperwork on my way to becoming an official university employee.

Today is also the day I discovered the amount per course I will be making next semester.

I will be making nearly 50% more than I am making now.

I will no longer need to depend on government support to help me make ends meet.

Assuming my lifestyle remains basically the same -- I should be able to pay off my credit cards.

Entirely.

In approximately two to three years.

When I realized that, I started sobbing silently, hovered over my computer keyboard.

I have been kicking myself over my inability to manage my finances in a mature and responsible way for years, now. I've used credit as a method of doing things I would be otherwise unable to (traveling, attending concerts, dining out, buying fun things) and I owe an obscene amount of money to my consolidated (though low APR) American Express card. While my credit is fair, and while I've never been behind on a payment, there are times -- like this summer, for instance, with Aisling's daycare skyrocketing to $135 a week and the unexpected amount of medical bills from that one visit to the ER -- when I've just felt overwhelmed by the amount of it all, and I was convinced I'd never come out from under it. I felt I would likely have an embarrasing credit card balance for the rest of my life.

So, the idea that there is a tangible end -- that in two to three years, the credit card nightmare will be over -- is, just, amazing.

I will be doing something important -- teaching, which I generally enjoy. And I will be getting paid well for it -- at least, well by *my* standards.

I can't even *begin* to explain the gratitude I feel right now. I want to run outside screaming for joy. I want to dance laughing through the streets. I want to plant a big wet one on the face of the world. Just -- thank you; thank you.

the most depressing thing

2007-07-25T08:52:00.000-04:00

The most depressing thing about reading over old journal entries is realizing how many creative projects you've started work on and never had the discipline to finish.

-- followed only by realizing that you've made the exact same Grand Psychological Breakthroughs over and over again with minimal progress.

It's a lot like watching Sisyphus and his rock, really.