Honey Pie

Monkey Attacks and Electrocution Central American Style

2009-08-14T21:39:00.018-04:00

Our first day of inland Belize adventure took us tubing through caves at Caves Branch which was fun for the portion of the trip where my ass wasn't being dragged across rocks.

I conveniently didn't bring my camera for that ... but was able to score a pic from the internet. I wasn't able to score a picture that simulated BoyChild walking through some ants while humping an innertube through the forest. Haha. Good times.

On the second day, we began by visiting the Mayan ruins of Xunantunich. You can see GirlChild approaching in her kickin' sun gear. The kids raced to the top (and I do mean the VERY TOP) on tilty, un-hand-railed steps, some of which had been plastered back together after an earthquake.

(dialogue at Xunantunich)

Alice: Hold my hand.

Alice: Put your back against the wall.

Alice: Go down those steps on your butt.

Alice: Omigod I'm going to die.

We somehow left the ruins (not dead) for a leisurely canoe trip into Barton's Creek Cave. On the way to our canoe, we found a friendly spider monkey - who took a shine to GirlChild's headband. GirlChild lost.

Here you can see the friendly canoes. Bear in mind that we're about to enter a DARK cave. GirlChild has already screamed her way through dark caves on an inner tube so I'm concerned.

Luis comes back with what looks like a small car battery and thunks it into the watery bottom of the canoe, hands us a huge spot light and then says we'll need to attach it to the battery when we get into the cave.

Alice: Ummm..isn't that dangerous?! (Holy ACDelco, I'm going to be electrocuted!)

Luis: It's only 12 volts.

Alice: Omigod, I'm going to die. (I have no concept of what kind of impact a 'volt' has on a body.)

Luis get Babycakes, BoyChild and their own killer battery settled into another canoe and gives them the keys. Babycakes isn't really an outdoorsy type of guy so I was kinda curious as to how his canoe/spotlight handling would be. Turns out he and BoyChild survived.

At least Luis was in charge of the gals and I was pretty sure he could save us if GirlChild decided to drop the spotlight into the water.

In order to get into the cave, you have to sort of hump your canoe between the cave wall and a rock that sits right in your way. It's not really a fast process, I'm sitting in the front, and I notice a fist-sized spider on the cave wall about 5 inches from my personal space.

I'm silently freaking out because the last thing I want to do is alert GirlChild to the fact that this Godzilla Spider is hanging around and start her screaming before we even hit the cave.

I move my body right as far as I can. Luis yells something lame about tipping the canoe. And I finally manage to splash enough water around the spider so that he disappears.

Luis gets us over the rock and into the actual cave, we hook up the Battery-Of-Death and experience an absolutely gorgeous cave ... right up until GirlChild says, "Mom...there's a spider on your back."

And the first thing that comes to mind is the tunnel scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark. And I wonder if it's that evil spider from the front of the cave. And now I don't care if I tip the canoe as I start flapping my arms randomly around my shoulders since I can't even really reach my back. At some point, GirlChild says the spider is gone. I can only guess that he fell into the water in the bottom of the canoe and eletrocuted himself.

South of the Border (the RIGHT way!) - Pt. 1

2009-07-23T18:54:00.011-04:00

This is how you do South-of-the-Border the sad way.

Doing South-of-the-Border the RIGHT way involves a big dent in the bank account, but was ohhhhh so worth it. Let's get y'all back up to speed.

Freeing myself from the shackles of high school was nice and ended on a pretty cool note. I've housed a TV in my room for the whole year and it's only collected dust since math videos are either

a) lame

b) retarded

or

c) 25 years old.

Well, one of my favorite students and his circle of hooligans brought in Guitar Hero and hooked it up to that there TV. I don't know that anyone else has had such a fantastic last day. I demurred when they asked me to play. I mean really - they had every song on uber-expert-devil-hard. How would I have looked slogging through "Eye of the Tiger" on medium difficulty?

I packed up my crap and labelled all my desks in an effort to stop other teachers from swiping mine during the summer. Although I plan to do exactly that when the opportunity presents itself. No one wants to sit in my one desk abomination with the seat that tilts forward at a 45 degree angle.

Annndddd after packing up the classroom, I packed up 20 bottles of bug spray, a few bathing suits and some sunblock so we could head on down to the REAL south of the border.

Flying to Cancun was uneventful, and from there we hired a van to drive us to the town of Chetumal, just north of the Belizean border. I discovered that when poking around a town that speaks Spanish, I'm suddenly a master of Swahili. Even GirlChild knew more Spanish from Dora the Explorer - her favorite thing to say being "Ayudenme!".

We spent the night in Chetumal and visited their very excellent Museo de la Cultura Maya. Being the culturally sensitive Americans that we are, we took pictures of the kids picking the nose of a giant monolithic face. And had to read OVER and OVER again how Mayan men would pierce their wieners with stingray spines. (Wieners being our word, not theirs.)

We were picked up the next day and driven to our beautiful stay in inland Belize via these guys, who we'll highly recommend if you need to be carted around the area and I can't say enough good things about our stay at the Jungle Dome.

Here's a view from our porch. *sigh* I miss it already.

I'll end on this note. Hoping to fit in the GirlChild-Monkey-Attack and Spider-The-Size-Of-My-Fist story...next time!

Incense and Peppermint and Codeine

2009-07-19T12:26:00.009-04:00

School ended in late June, we spent 11 glorious days in Belize and Mexico and came home so that BoyChild could fracture his foot on my watch.

My friend Gretta was distracting me with some intense homework grading scenarios while BoyChild was busy missing bars on the jungle gym. He screamed, I pulled some major muscle groups trying to heft his 85 lbs. into the car and we carted him to the ER. I'll try my best to replay that evening for you.
___________________

*arrive at the ER door and beg for wheelchair because I can't carry him any more*

GirlChild: *wail* "I wanna ride in a wheelchaiiirrrrr..." *high pitched keening*

Alice: "There are no other wheelchairs except the one for the incredibly obese."

GirlChild runs over to it but wheels in circles since she can only reach one wheel. Mean nurse tells her to stop and I think... "Do you want her wheeling in circles or screaming about wanting to be in a wheelchair?"

Babycakes arrives to pick up GirlChild right after GirlChild points out the patient with the hairy back.

I accompany BoyChild for x-rays. The techs play the game Can-Frick-Get-Behind-The-Barrier-Before-Frack-Hits-The-Button?. I predict cancer within five years for one or both.

We wait in the room, killing time by blowing up the medical gloves and playing Milk-The-Cow. Things get interesting once they give BoyChild Tylenol with Codeine for the pain.

*weep* *cry* *snicker* *laugh* *uncontrollable laughter*

BoyChild: "Penis"..."Penis wenis"...(laughs for 30 seconds)..."Penis wenis"... (laughs and almost fall off the bed)

Alice: "Every time you say that, you get one less pack of Pokemon cards."

BoyChild contemplates this for 15 seconds, stares me in the eye and yells out "Bob Evans!"

More hysterical laughter for 30 seconds followed by "Bob Evans!" This happened roughly 50 more times, each time funnier than the last.

*fart* (more laughter)

BoyChild: "Wait...it's coming." (three more farts and extended snickering)

BoyChild: "EXCUSE ME FOR ALL THE FARTS I HAVE EVER MADE!"

Nurse comes in to sit by him and asks him about the accident.

BoyChild: "I think it's here!"

Alice: "MOVE...he's gonna fart again!"

Nurse: "I'm outta here."

Discharged at 11:45 pm.

gulp

2009-01-04T14:54:00.006-05:00

Time did permit during the break to work on the next Vanilla Ice production, but I felt my time was better spent honing my Rock Band drumming and guitar skillz. Watch out Tommy Lee! Or don't watch out as the case may be.

Turns out that if my 7 year old neighbor drums while GirlChild works the foot pedal and BoyChild sings while I guitar...we're not half bad. Or half-good.

This two week break held a lot of firsts for me that I'd like to share...

1) It's my first time that I housed a dead cat in my garage for 3 days. My poor old cat Mina decided to kick the bucket on the floor of my bedroom while I was reading a book. She sort of let out a little squeak and when I looked over, her tongue was hanging out of her mouth. We were sad.

We wrapped her in blankets and put her on the sofa in the garage. I guess I wanted Babycakes to have a final viewing or something.

The next day was pretty cold so we left her on the sofa. And thought about Pet Semetary.

The next day was even colder, but three days was my max since I'm already fearing that we have a cat ghost. A good friend of mine informed me of a great pact she has with her fam...if you think you're gonna die...you have to pull yourself out to the yard first. I second that emotion!

2) I snorted cayenne pepper up my nose.

I rarely cook. And by rarely, I mean that my kids made the comment the other day - "Hey! This dinner is hot!"

Anyhow...I made one of the few dishes I know how to make which involves lentils and rice and some Indian spices. I tossed in some cayenne pepper. My nose itched. I wiped my nose with the hand that contained cayenne pepper residue and snorted. It burns.

3) Redneck Headrests

Babycakes manufactured some redneck headrests so we had something to strap the DVD monitors to on the drive to Savannah. Yee Haw! Pictures of the styrofoam blocks with dowels when I can find the cable for the camera.

We successfully blended at our annual pitstop at South of the Border. I'm not sure if it was the headrests or that our minivan has lost all four hubcaps now and has a Snorlax sticker on the back windshield.

Happy New Year All!

SURVIVOR: ICE EDITION

2008-12-20T17:16:00.005-05:00

Episodes coming (as time permits during the break)...

Dear Diary,

I can't believe it - after 15 consecutive video submissions, I was finally chosen to be on Survivor! I'm pretty sure it was getting "I 'heart' Jeff" tattooed on my left pec that did it. God, it burns. I hope the first challenge isn't swimming or the salt water will kill.

Yours,
V. Ice

Alice Does Modern Design

2008-12-13T05:41:00.008-05:00

It's been a while, but this post practically wrote itself.

I guess having a blog where you haven't blogged in over a month does tend to attract businesses that would like to advertise to the three people who swing by every now and then to see if I've decided to write about the extraordinary ability of students to write profanities on my graphing calculators while failing to add two numbers together correctly.

I was contacted via e-mail.

Hello,I'd appreciate if you can give me some feedback on our site: www.regencyshop.com and our item hanging Ball chair.

I realize that you are home decor-modern design connoisseur :) I'd like to hear your opinion/feedback on our products. Also, it'd be swell if you can place our link on your
blog.

Thank you,Sean

Well, thank you Sean. I am indeed a home decor-modern design connoisseur. You're the first person to acknowledge my latent talents and I'm here to showcase what I can do for the average blogger's home.

I call this UTILITY BIN, or in IKEA-speak -URFNA

For $11.35, not only can you fill your cat litter box, but you can place your pruning shears inside so that when it fills with water from the rain, they'll be good and rusty by next spring.

And because I AM a home decor-modern design connoisseur, I like when things are multi-functional. Fortunately, URFNA is great for storing batons, baseball bats and swords too.

This lovely little dandy came from some leftovers my mother-in-law sent. Little did she know that the lid was great for catching MOST of the water and even better at trapping water underneath on the window sill.

Home decor-modern design connoisseurs strive for new and exciting looks. I call this: I'm-too-lazy-to-pull-out-all-the-Christmas-ornaments-because-we're-going-out-of-town-so-I'll-let-the-kids-hang-deflated-balloons-and-assorted-crap-on-a-prelit-tree.

Keeping with the spirit of URFNA, SAMAD does a fine job of keeping all your wrapping paper together. Sorta. When it doesn't tip over.

I'll leave you with the blogging world's home decor-modern design connoisseur's ultimate design secret. When you have a large empty space that you don't know how to fill - BEACH BALLS.

I Must Be The Best Teacher In The World!

2008-10-03T19:45:00.005-04:00

This didn't scan as clearly as I would have liked.
His reply that you can barely read...

"No, because it is not consistent? Damn I don't know this stuff. HA HA. was I close?"

Strange Existence

2008-09-29T19:44:00.004-04:00

Alice dropping in to let you know that she hasn't been hit by a bus or had her classroom dictatorship overthrown by a student coup. Oh, I'm a dictator alright. But a kindly one. With a big stick and a wicked backhand to the side of the head.

Not only do I not have a blog life anymore, but my real life is almost entirely school-centric. Every last minute is sucked up with lesson-plans and grading and bribing kids with the Jumbo Bag-o-Jolly Ranchers.

The straight up scoop is: I love the kids.

I hate the paperwork.

My strange existence starts far too early in the morning. I wake up and can only gulp down one cup of coffee before I pray that something ironed has magically appeared in my closet. I simply don't put on anything without a camisole or slip because there is far too much reaching in my day and I'll be damned if those kids will ever catch a glimpse of my pasty white belly.

I also realized last Friday that I hadn't shaved for at least 10 days and hoped the kids wouldn't start calling me 'Cactus' when they caught sight of my legs. They really were a travesty. I didn't even let the hair get that long in Africa in the middle of the bush.

I usually arrive in the dark at the same time as the physics teacher across the hall. We've decided to form our own bi-umvirate. Is that a word? Sort of like a triumvirate. But with two people. Instead of three.

He's cool in a completely geeky way. Here's how we work:

PhysicsMan: Hey, what math do you teach?

Me: I have all algebra.

PhysicsMan: The kids in my class stink with formulas, could you work them into your class?

Me: Sure, just slide them my way.

Now does everyone see that that exchange took no paperwork AND was completed in under 20 seconds?

We should be co-dictators of the school.

Anyhoo...I'm in the midst of filling out interim reports for the kids and there is a pull-down menu of comments that you can insert into the report. They've got everything from 'excessive absences' to 'needs to review for tests.'

For my favorite class entertainer, I've already included the comments 'has a good sense of humor' and 'needs to improve posture.' I hope his parents have a good sense of humor. Or I suspect I'll be called in soon for adding stupid comments to interim reports for a math class.

Missing you all - I suspect I won't be back into any regular blog action until next summer. It's all just too much right now. I use my 10 free minutes of me-time for a good cry and something with the word 'tequila shooter' in it. I think my interim reports could be even MORE interesting after that. Hmmmm....

Joe Blow - C - 'whines more than my kids'
Amy Smamy - B - 'no one gives a shit about your Hollister shirt'
Pat Smat - A - 'lighten up geek, it's Algebra 1'
Ted Smed - F - 'hope you can work a spatula'

Alice signing off.

Head Bangers Ball

2008-09-07T11:01:00.002-04:00

How do you kick your own daughter out of the band?

Seriously... her drumming skills keep getting us boo-ed off the stage. She's all show with her main stick-trick being the drumsticks wedged between her headband and her ears.

In an attempt to keep up with the times, Babycakes got me the much coveted Wii for my birthday and I promptly went out to purchase Rock Band for it. I'd been dying to play Guitar Hero but I guess the times they are a-movin' too fast for me and I'll need to look for it elsewhere.

And so I walked into the house with the mammoth box of instruments in an attempt to avoid lesson planning for the weekend and we immediately formed the lamest sounding band named SuperRoq. I was rooting for SuperBad (because we are) but I couldn't convince my bandmates. I play guitar, BoyChild sings and GirlChild drums (or more accurately, bangs randomly near the color she's supposed to be hitting while stomping around for the foot pedal and trying not to fall off the chair.)

BoyChild's affair with the drums ended when BabyCakes moved the chair he was sitting on during a moment of standing drum performance. Of course BoyChild went to sit back down and hit carpet. Jeez... nice move on your own son...

It appears that SuperRoq's forte is "Blitzkrieg Bop" - the only song we can make it through completely without the crowd calling for our slow death.

And there is something just wrong about BoyChild singing along to "Roxanne" - him crooning "...you don't have to sell your body to the night..." At least he's not asking questions about the deeper meaning.

In case you didn't think SuperRoq was punk enough to cover The Ramones, here's a picture of how we got crazy in the days before school started.

-------------------------------

Hey Ho...Let's go...

...A Good Blaster At Your Side, Kid

2008-09-01T09:26:00.021-04:00

I think Dr. Nick Riviera said it best..."Hi Everybody!"

I'm one day ahead of the game in the world of teaching thanks to a long Labor Day weekend and thought I'd bring you news from the land of Honey Pie.

It's been a grueling few weeks attempting to figure out all the new-fangled things happening in education since I was teaching in the land of chalk and log tables. Now parents want the grades on the Internet, kids want problems on the SmartBoard and the head honchos want to keep tabs on the football players.

I decided that having my own personal desk at home was the way to go for organization and paid a visit to the local Office Depot last week. While considering my choices, I pulled up a chair to a modest Christopher Lowell edition desk and thought, "Damn, this chair is comfortable. In fact...it's so comfortable I could probably just sit here at the back of Office Depot for the next half-hour and not move."

"Ma'am...can I help you?"

"No. It's going to take me at LEAST 30 minutes to determine if this is the desk I want. Now go away."

I immediately entered a trance-like state, enjoying the silent surroundings of office desks and filing cabinets.

The kids are kids. I keep my special pets close by, within arms reach. I'm not sure if they appreciate the "NO WHINING" sign I put up, but I think it's helping. I've got Darth Vader pics by the sign as if to indicate that I have the power to silently choke whiners.

I plan on wearing all-black and my Vader mask for Halloween. I'll gladly take any Jedi/Sith training on choking techniques.

I've found that listening to Metallica gets me in the mood in the mornings now and mellow music just doesn't cut it on the commute. I've become the annoying driver with the bass thumping through the floorboards. The purpose of the war cry/chant prior to battle has been made even more clear. If you don't get your mojo going by the time the buses unload, you're dead meat. iTunes has seen a dramatic increase in my downloading of Rap and Heavy Metal. And I will continue to endorse the soundtrack to "300" as really good mojo music.

Off to prepare lesson plans for battle - welcome to my new world.

------------------------------------
Hoping to make the rounds today and click on some smiley-s for Humor-Bloggers. If I'm even still on their site, go ahead and click for me too.

ps. Thank you ALL for the kind words and support. I have been sad that I'm not able to respond to you each individually, but know that I read all the comments and it makes me HAPPY.

I'm Alive (Barely)

2008-08-24T18:27:00.003-04:00

I'm so sorry folks. I had every intention of writing something witty this weekend about the hellish existence I've been living since last Friday.

Advice: After a seven year hiatus as a stay-at-home mom, DON'T take on a full time job teaching high school math a few days before school starts.

I don't want to see another piece of paper. Ever.

A highlight so as not to leave my peeps hanging: While carting approximately 300 lbs of Algebra text books (1 of 5 trips) to my classroom, a teacher in the hall stopped to say hello and then asked what I taught. I wiped the sweat from my brow and looked down at the cart of ALGEBRA books.

Math.

I teach math.

---------------------------

The students are OK.

I told them that if I catch them writing love notes - I CAN GUARANTEE IT WILL BE GOING VIRAL ON THE INTERNET WITHIN A WEEK.

Oh - an puh-leeze - I can live without seeing another freakin' Hollister shirt. How unoriginal.

Must go. Love you all. I miss you tons. Really! *weep*

Scary Days

2008-08-16T05:02:00.006-04:00

I can't thank you enough for all the positive vibes and comments.

I love you all, but I must now freak out since I just carried my three teacher-edition texts home and they weighed in at 18 lbs. No lie. I've got a SmartBoard in my class that I don't know how to use, classes start Wednesday and my new best friend (who doesn't know it yet) is most unfortunately sharing her last name with a South Park character. I imagine her high-school teaching life is a living hell.

I will try to visit all your bloggy goodness as time permits and type up a worthy report at the end of next week.

I figure that getting this job was meant to be since I have found THE most perfect shirt, as V. Ice will model for you. (PS - No time for a decent clean up job on this pic.)

"if there was a problem

yo I'll solve it"

-----------------------------------

Alice Outta Commission

2008-08-14T21:24:00.005-04:00

Friends...

Alice has been working the system to obtain employment since BoyChild and GirlChild are both kickin' the elementary school scene this year.

Alice has been Googling the hell out of past universities to find obscure phone numbers and zip codes. And trying to figure out her GPA for education related classes minus the grades she received in Bowling, Golf and Ceramics I divided by the number of classes she skipped in 8:00 am Philosophy and Human Growth and Development. *damn, I'm nodding off just writing those classes down*

People.... philosophy at 8:00 am is just a bad idea. Don't do it.

Alice has been poppin' the xanax like they were tic-tacs.

Alice is starting to talk like Rickey.

If things go well on Friday, I will most likely be disappearing for several days. For a chick who hasn't taught in a classroom in over twelve years - the prospect is daunting. Especially with only a handful of days before school starts and one pair of capris that don't look trashy.

It things go badly, I'll be hunkering down with V.Ice, my tic-tacs and a needle and working up a whole new wardrobe for V.Ice's upcoming weekly sitcom. Since I'll be jobless. And have ample free time. Ample free time to Google more pics of men's beach volleyball player, Phil Dalhausser. Hey....shut up! It calms me down. See... I'm calm already.

-----------------------------

Do a girl a favor and click some smileys over at Humor-Blogs since I may not be around for a bit.

Middle Finger Moments in Africa

2008-08-13T09:00:00.017-04:00

Sorry peeps. Suffering blog apathy and major mental blocks. Mowing and weeding are looking more palatable than sitting down to write.

As I was leafing through the photo albums, trying to jog some suppressed memories to the surface, I noted that I have a lot of pics with my middle finger in the air or a get-away-you-dumb-MF-and-let-me-wallow-in-my-misery type face. Why do you think people loved traveling with me so much? You'd think it was my sparkling personality, but really it was my willingness to slam my hand against the side of a pick-up truck and yell at shifty drivers that I'd just overpaid to haul my ass from point A to point B while sitting under a faded UN tarp in the rain.

(*Disclaimer: These pics are OLD. Alice has since borne a few kids and eaten her weight in Hershey Bars. Alice is roughly double the size you see in the pictures now.*)

(* Just read a comment and thought I'd catch my new readers up - I taught math in Kenya for two years with the Peace Corps. Got around a bit while I was there and afterwards.*)

Case 1: Alice riding bike in Kakamega, Kenya

My dear friend Chris lived in western Kenya near the very lush Kakamega rainforest and took me on an outing with another volunteer (pictured below). Riding bikes through a rainforest sounds exciting and lovely, doesn't it?

In fact, not so much. Look closely at the road in the picture above. That is mud. When you ride a bike through mud, your tires sink, you slide off the road if there is ANY sort of inclination and instead of a ride-through-the-rainforest, you end up pushing-a-bike-through-the-rainforest. It was middle-finger worthy.

Case 2: Alice waiting for matatu in I-have-no-idea-where-I-am, Kenya

(*clicking the matatu link above will fill you in on what they are*)

I'd love to be able to give you a more exact location, but Chris, Rena and I had gotten dropped at this particular location with the assurance that another matatu would come along, headed in the direction we need to get to. I know that you think the picture below doesn't look so bad. It's green with trees and it could be worse. It was.

(*side note - how could any man not want me when I wore the purple sack with sneakers?*)

Here is Chris in the middle of the road watching the incoming grey clouds.

No vehicle had passed us in over three hours.

The mystery matatu came as night and rain began to fall. It gave new meaning to the term "seething, stinking mass of humanity". But you know... the seething, stinking mass of humanity was preferable to dark, wet and outside alone.

Case 3: Alice waiting for lift in Sinai, Egypt

Mt. Sinai to the coast anyone? Hello? Bueller? Sitting in the middle of the desert was more boring than it may appear. I'm sure this picture was taken at a distance because I was gnashing teeth at folks who got too close.

I mastered this position as you'll see in the next photo too.

Case 4: Alice on train in Egypt

This is the look of a gal who had a ticket with a seat assignment until her two friends decided to jump the earlier train from Alexandria to Cairo.

By jumping the earlier train, you can see for yourself where Alice's seat assignment ended up. I still can't imagine how I didn't get my middle finger up in time for that shot.

Case 5: Rena at Bwindi Inpenetrable Forest, Uganda

OK - this isn't me, but Rena was one of my bestest travel companions and since I love her so much and managed to cheese her off more often than not, I thought I'd include my favorite picture of her. I can almost hear Rena now - "Get the hell away from me you immature dopes and let me soak my feet in peace." I'm pretty sure she was giving me the mental finger.

*BONUS PIC - JUST ADDED*

Sorry - last minute addition. I'm guessing that Joey's finger is saying - "Why Alice... I'm busy washing my clothes in your scary, black bathing room where I've been hunched over scrubbing out my underwear and socks for many minutes."

She was a fool. Life was easier if you never wore socks or underwear.

-----------------------------------------

Check out some funny folk at Humor-Blogs.

Honey Pie Weekend Update

2008-08-10T21:38:00.003-04:00

For blogging purposes (OK... that's a lie) BoyChild and I went to Aardvark's for the Pokemon Legends Awakened pre-release tournament where I've discovered a fear that has a very real chance of manifesting.

Aardvark's has ONE bathroom and that bathroom opens directly up to a field of tables peopled with boys under the age of 15. In my heart of hearts, I know that one day I'll be in that bathroom, will have failed to lock the door securely and twenty boys are going to get an eyeful of my pasty white thighs against the backdrop of a Spiderman shower curtain.

In keeping with my AllMediocre button on the right, I had a 2-2 finish. My self-esteem remains intact since I was never paired with the kid who got an invite to the World Pokemon Championships. *whew* Crisis averted.

We attended a birthday celebration for Babycake's relatives smack dab in between DC and Baltimore. Traffic was shitty. In an effort to dodge backup on the Beltway and the BW Parkway we poked through the Agricultural Research area which is just a tad high on the desolate/eerie-o-meter.

Me: So what exactly are they researching here?

Babycakes: No idea.
Me: I bet there are sheep with three eyeballs like 'Blinky' in The Simpsons.
Babycakes: Hmmm... (hunches over and works feverishly on his Games magazine)
Me: I bet it's that rice that's got the vitamins in it already.
Babycakes (looking at me like I'm 'special'): Yeah, that's it... because we've got corn on either side of us that's seven feet high.

The party was pretty fun if you could answer trivia questions about Red Skelton and The Lone Ranger. That eliminated about half of us so I spent some time sitting over by the kids and the bubble machine. And by 'some time', I mean 'all my time' aside from that which I spent at the buffet table gathering the remnants of the olive tray and the honey mustard pretzel bits to gnaw on.

I've decided that those thin plastic tableclothes are just about completely pointless. Unless they are taped down, a kid is just going to mess with it enough to spill everything anyway.

I saved the day at the kid's Halloween-Bucket-Decoration-Table when the pink glitter glue pen got clogged and I was able to mash my earring through the tip. By reporting this, I am revealing how hard up for weekend material I am, while SOME folks were living the Wilco dream only several miles away. I was thinking of you the whole time Meg, while gouging the plastic with my sterling silver hoop.

Other weekend excitement - puchased toner for printer.

*hangs head*

----------------------------------------
Posted at Humor-Blogs

V.Ice: Olympic Quadrathlete

2008-08-07T01:15:00.004-04:00

Dear Diary,

I made it! I am offically representin' as the first US Olympic Quadrathlete! "The Ocho" caught up with me at the airport in Beijing with a few cashiers from China's first Mickey D's. That was right before some heavily armed dudes confiscated my sign and stole my porn and back-up porn outta my duffle.

Dear Diary,

This Olympic Village is SWEET! It's like living in the middle of the Giant Panda All-You-Can-Eat Buffet. Only with less waitstaff making hocking noises in the back.

Mary Lou took me back to her room. We kicked Kerri Strug out and she showed me some new moves for my rhythmic gymnastics routine. Heh, heh, heh... yeah... rhythmic gymnastics...

Dear Diary,

Who knew Chinese condoms would break like that? I hope ML is on the pill.

My first event this morning was on the high bar. I forgot to pack my cup and racked myself twice. The only thing that kept me going was my hot, fervent desire not to end up as a viral video. I nailed the landing and should have scored a perfect 10, but the Russian judge took offense when I laughed at Olga Stolichnaya's hairy pits.

Dear Diary,

My rhythmic gymnastics routine with the ball was FLAWLESS (almost). You really can't go wrong with 50 Cent. But it's like the Chinese have all these decency laws and kept bleeping out words and they have cameras EVERYWHERE. I lost serious marks when Bart Conner winked at me and I stepped out of bounds. Dammit.

Dear Diary,

My third event was the high jump. I think I'm going to end up on YouTube anyway. I had perfect form going up and over. The problem was I didn't go up an over the high bar, but the railing for the concession stand. Shut up Diary! The sun was baking my brain out there and Mary Lou was yelling 'EPT' from the sidelines.

Dear Diary,

My final event, the long jump, was this afternoon. My training in gymnastics has definitely paid off. I totally flew by Carl Lewis using a new technique I like to think I came up with called the "Vanilla Nut Buster." OK, it only got the name after the first time I tried this and couldn't get my back leg moved around for the landing.

Ha Ha... Carl was SOOO mad. He kept whining about "one at a time" and "get off the track".

Dear Diary,

That dumbass Ivan swore the juice was undetectable. Not only did I fail my drug test, but it turns out I've got the clap too. The Chinese are deporting me AND THEY EVEN KEPT MY HUSTLER! CNN wants to do a live interview regarding the scandal, but my publicist is holding out for People Magazine.

Yours,

V.Ice

ps. Call ML re: VD.

---------------------------------------

Clicky a smiley over at Humor-Blogs for me, shǐ gāo xìng.

The Legend of Winter's Song

2008-08-06T10:22:00.002-04:00

Once upon a time, there was a little ride-on toy.

The buttons on this toy were situated so perfectly, that when BoyChild rode it, his thighs would activate the buttons EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

Mom told herself that the battery would die soon. Because toy companies are cheap bastards.

But after a whole year - the battery didn't die!

The song from the toy had etched itself into Mom's grey matter. And in a bad way.

Mom became pregnant with GirlChild and craved meat through the winter. In between staring daggers at the little ride-on toy.

In February, Mom was extremely round with child when the heat pump broke, the snow was falling and Mom called for help!

Mom was tired of wearing five layers of clothing around the house.

Mom got a phone call from the Heat Pump Guys who said they couldn't fix the heat pump because the driveway hadn't been shoveled. Even though they hadn't said it needed to be shoveled over the phone. And they were parked right in front of the house making the phone call.

Heat Pump Guys lied and said they had told Dad to shovel the driveway. It was a lie, because only Mom was on the phone with them.

So Mom threw on some boots and a coat and went out to their van in the street hoping that her huge belly would sway the Heat Pump Guys into action. But they were cold and heartless and Mom raged at them. Mom may or may not have used the "F" word. And the Heat Pump Guys left.

Mom was so livid when she returned to the house that she punted the little, musical ride-on toy across the living room. Hard. Plastic on the side snapped off. The seat was forever broken. But as if to say it's own version of the "F" word, the little toy broke into song.

And refused to die.

Until Mom took it to the dump. Where you can hear it continue to play if you listen very carefully on a snowy, winter's day.

---------------------------------------------

(ps. I've only hit a full-on rage state three times in my entire life. Don't fear me.)

Posted at Humor-Blogs

Zombification

2008-08-05T09:46:00.009-04:00

My fam has a history of visiting the chop shop, so I've considered a few options in the realm of plastic surgery and decided that zombification would be the easiest and cheapest route since I'm halfway there.

Examing my face in the mirror last night, I noticed some definite facial sag / jowls manifesting by the mouth. (And if you know me in person and you say those jowls have always been there, then just shut up.) I did a few mini-lifts with my fingers which only confirmed their presence.

Pull Back Face - Yay! I look 10 years younger!

Let Go of Face - Hogatha

GirlChild: Mom, can I have some juice?
Alice: No. I can't let go of my face.

"Breaking Dawn" came out this past weekend and it's a monster at over 700 pages. (*warning - about to offend most Twilight reader*) The book is mediocre at best, and yet I must finish to find out how it all ends. My eyes are protruding and bloodshot from staying up so late and my left elbow, (the one I lean on when I'm reading) is requiring that special lotion for cracked heels - the stuff that's like slapping pure lard on your body. And after I slather it on my elbow - I have to slather it on my actual cracked heels from flapping around in flip-flops all day.

Haven't touched a razor in a week. Can zombies be hairy?

My right arm and left instep started itching a few days back. I scratched plenty. It got red and oozy. I'm pretty sure at this point it's poison ivy that I picked up from the cat because it sure as hell hasn't been from doing yardwork since the weeds around the scum pond are starting to look like corn.

I like to give poison ivy a good headstart before treatment so I can look particularly zombie-ish when flashing my weeping sores at opposing Pokemon players. How else do you think I won a match this Sunday against Pokemon Sue (the only other woman with the guts to show up on Sundays)? As soon as she slapped Gardevoir down, I flashed my zombie arm at her and rubbed it over the cards a bit, subtley implying that I could pass it off to her if I so chose. But then my cards were sort of sticking together so the plan backfired in some regards.

Catch me first thing in the morning before I've hit the hairbrush and the coffepot and I'm not far off from this right now:

---------------------------

Posted over at Humor-Blogs

Winners!

2008-08-04T12:30:00.003-04:00

In what turned out to be probably the easiest raffle to win something we have winners. Carefully utilitzing the random number generator on random.org, they are:
---------------------------------------------------

Twilight Necklace - Zen Momma - (Added you to my blogroll - how did I miss you before?!) I know your daughter will love and cherish this.
----------------------------------------------------

Vampire Teeth - Terri Lynn (both random and because she was the sole guesser of 'Phury'. Although I'm not Phury's biggest fan. Sorry. I'm a Rhage gal.)
----------------------------------------------------

Anti-Monkey Butt Powder - Sandy, Manger Mom and Elaine! And because I have an extra bottle from the 6-pack I bought, and because she rocks the Vader Helmet with me - FADKOG - I've got an extra with your name on it.
-----------------------------------------------------

Anti-Monkey Butt Powder Hat - Suzel of Suzel's Sass. My! What ever will your husband think?
------------------------------------------------------

Hot Sox - Marie of Memarie Lane. EVERY very pregnant woman should have a pair of these Hot Sox when they deliver and their feet are up in stirrups. Unless you are doing it at home, in which case I guess you can squat in them.
------------------------------------------------------

Thanks for playing along! You can shoot me your addresses here: zippyfinn (at) yahoo (dot) com and I'll get the awesomeness out to youz guyz right away! (Assuming my new fuel injectors are in and I get my car back this afternoon so I can get to the post office. Gah!)

Please Don't Be Shy!

2008-08-03T20:13:00.004-04:00

My readers... I love you all... but you are the most selfless, least grabby folks on the Internet. I've seen bloggers giving away $5 gift cards to 7-11 and chicks were clawing at each other in the comment section to get to it.

Please read the post below this one and let me know what I can possible give TO YOU! By noon!

You may enter in as many drawings as you like. It's because I love you all dammit! Take my love. Take it, I said!

You there... lurker... I love you!

All you folks doing searches on "plantar wart toe" - I LOVE YOU!

All you people searching for "nude UNO" and "boy art" - not so much love. Go away.

I have spoken.

---------------------------------------------------------

(Oh crap! Or maybe I've just chosen really sucky prizes and it would have been better to get the 7-11 gift cards.)

Ta Da! (Free stuff!)

2008-08-01T20:55:00.005-04:00

I would like to present the new and snazzy Honey Pie. Tsk, tsk…and you thought Darth Vader was my only secret crush. There’s a soft spot in my heart for vamps too.

(Please bear in mind that I'm still tweaking things around here. Don't judge me. Ha ha...that's so stupid. Hey everyone! Come look at my new look, but don't form any opinions yet! Hmmm...Okay?)

My first round of thanks goes to Pokémon Master Nick. Wait. Did I just write that out loud? Does he know I refer to him as that? I met him working the Pokémon tournaments at Aardvark’s. He's going to college for all sorts of fancy computer graphics stuff (stuff = things I don't know about computer graphics) and is the nicest guy you’ll ever meet. Or not meet. Because you don’t live in Maryland.

He did a bang-up job of putting this all together for me and I heartily recommend him for any of you other folks looking for a make-over. There's a banner on the right for nkirkpatrick.com if you'd like to check him out. But not in that way. Jeez, what a bunch of sickos.

You rock Nick!

I would also like to give a huge shout-out to Ms. Lisa Desimini who drew the original artwork which appeared on the book “Dead to the World” by Charlaine Harris.

Lisa allowed me to use her work and I can’t thank her enough for her kindness. And for not charging me anything. Because my car is in the shop, my dishwasher is busted, I have to pay Nick and I'm flat broke. I absolutely adore her quirky style and artwork. THANK YOU!

And now, for all my lovelies who kindly come to read my drivel each week – I've got some prizes for YOU to celebrate! Bring your friends! I’ll show you all the goodies and then you can leave me some love (or hate) in the comment section. Leaving hate will greatly increase the chance that your slip of paper 'accidentally' dissolves in a ring of coffee when I set my morning vat of joe on it. Puh-leeze. I was a statistician. I know how to manipulate the data.

Just let me know what prizes (that's right, it's plural) you'd like to be drawn randomly for and guess an answer (if you like) for a question coming up.

----------------------------------------------

Prize 1: In honor of a pretty decent vamp series with a new release coming out on August 2 (ahem... Breaking Dawn) we have:

Prize 2: With these bad boys, you can make your own custom-fit vampire teeth.

I like wearing mine on Halloween (and when I meet the kids' teachers or have dinner with the in-laws.) You too can enjoy this smaller, not-so-obnoxious pair. But to get these, you'll have to guess my favorite member of the Black Dagger Brotherhood. Heh heh heh... work a little people. Really, this s*** wasn't free. Winner picked randomly from those who guess correctly. Oh, and you only get one guess per person.

Prize 3: I'm guessing that the few male readers I have may not be interested in Twilight necklaces and such, but The Smiling Infidel can personally vouch for the following product:

We've got three bottles of this powdery butt gold to give away. End your chafing NOW by letting ME know you want to win the AMBP.

Prize 4: If chafing isn't your issue, but you still want to proclaim your love for Anti-Monkey Butt Powder - maybe a hat is more your style! I would like to give this particular freebie away to a regular reader/commenter at my blog.

Prize 5: And lastly, inspired once again by The Smiling Infidel's Hot Sox Exchange - you too can have a pair of the hottest sox in town.

I'll leave comments open until Monday at noon EST - just let me know what prizes you're interested in and I'll stick your name in a hat for what you chose. At that point I'll work up the winners and let you know. Unless I've had one too many gin & tonics on Monday night and come to the conclusion that Diesel has won every prize in an effort to suck up to the Big Kahuna himself. Can you buy a Smiley with some Butt Powder?

(It wouldn't hurt your chances and could possibly IMPROVE them in this completely random raffle to register your name over at Humor-Blogs and start clicking 'happy faces' next to any post with Honey Pie next to it. Thank you in advance.)

More Stuff About ME ME ME

2008-07-31T08:32:00.020-04:00

Flea d’Lure and Next Door To My Ex both tagged me with the '6 Random Things Meme', which I’ve done before here. Read it! You can find out how much I HATE eggs, my seasickness and there's even a pic of a hot guy! (Pandering to the women readers.)

But don’t we all love talking about ourselves more than anything? So here are six more random things you’ll need to know before we ever meet in person:

1. Flea’s got a pic of Darth Vader in her hallway. I have a pic of Darth Vader in my stairwell. Lou asked about my dark side – and there it is. I have a secret crush on Darth Vader. You can’t get much more Dark Side than that. I own a Darth Vader mask complete with voice synthesizer and can’t wear it around the house because it freaks GirlChild out. Which I don't get because she's fascinated with Darth Maul who looks far creepier. Here is GirlChild waxing on about special powers.

One of my favorite YouTube series: Chad Vader - Day Shift Manager.

2. There was a guy in a math class in college that I secretly competed with for grades. It was easy enough to see his scores when tests were handed back. On one test, there was a section where you had to choose 4 of 6 problems to solve. When I got the test back, I had a 98% and was absolutely positive he couldn’t have done better. But the butt-head did all 6 of the problems and the teacher gave him bonus points and I almost blew a gasket. I could have done all 6 too. It burns me to this day. Adam... this finger is for you!

3. When I was younger, an ostrich bit me at the zoo. In my mind, this made me the coolest kid EVER. Because really, has anyone else ever been bitten by an ostrich?

4. My cousin (or more like second-cousin) Daniel placed 6th in last year’s Australian Idol.

I believe he is the sole blood-relative with any musical talent. And after hearing BoyChild and GirlChild sing, I'm assured that our non-musical tradition has been passed on.

5. The only famous person that has ever spoken to me was Bobby Cox, manager of the Atlanta Braves, when I stood in line for him to autograph a baseball card. I left my Sharpie and he called me back to get it. WOW!

6. During our wedding reception, the wedding party entered the hall to this song:

Damn, that was a fun reception.

-----------------------------------------

Posted over at Humor-Blogs

Tale from the Radiator Underworld

2008-07-29T15:10:00.002-04:00

I found one of my very first jobs the way most of us probably did - by hanging around listening to the 'Top Gun' album in my room and hoping Mom wouldn’t come hounding me to find a job.

"A job is not just going to come to you. You need to get out there.”

But my perseverance paid off when my next-door neighbor came to the house looking to hire my brother to deliver car parts for their small company one summer. Bro was firmly entrenched in the computer world at that point, but I was there, hands waving and yelling, “Pick ME! ME! ME! ” I suppose a chick wasn’t their first choice, but my dedication to organizing headlights and PCV valves convinced them and it turned into a four-summer occupation.

It was the BEST JOB EVER.

My uniform – shorts and a t-shirt.

I drove pick-up trucks around all day with the tannest arm in town hanging out the window blasting “Kokomo”. I was Master of the One Way Street and Back Alleys. It was complete and utter freedom (in between stopping at GoodYear and Acura).

On the downside, I had sketchy old men calling me 'Skeeter', 'Honey Chil' and 'Hey Good Lookin’. These were not the accolades you might think as there’s little competition when you’re picking up brake pads. And you have a streak of 10w30 running across your forehead.

Aside from some of the usual creepies, my only beef with the job was delivering to a certain radiator shop. You’ve most likely never been to one, but they stink. Like a punch to the gut. The pic below is the best I could find of what goes down in one of these places.

The guys at this particular shop were of the I-see-my-probation-officer-on-Tuesday's variety. The “office” was wood paneled with a tiny AC unit blasting away, flipping the pages of a nudie Snap-On Tools calendar from four years ago. The desk, broken Laz-E-Boy and assorted chairs were all covered in grease and radiator gunk. It was small, dank and dismal, reeking of radiator shop. Waiting for them to cut me a check was the longest 10 minutes of my life.

Earl: How much is that bill fer?
Me: $81.50
Earl: RAY JUNIOR! WHERE’D YOU PUT THAT CHECK BOOK, BOY? You gotta boyfriend baby?
Me: Yes. (not really)
Earl: You wanna ‘nother one?
Me: (silence)
Earl: RAY JUNIOR! GET IN HERE!
Ray Jr: (enters with a fresh blast of radiator shop) Hey baby…you gotta boyfriend?
Me: (please find the check book, please find the check book) Sorry, already taken. (not really)
Ray Jr: (digs checkbook out of dented, Bondo-colored filing cabinet covered with faded NASCAR decals) Earl, yer such a dumbass. (Throws checkbook at Earl’s head.)
Earl: (starts writing check) Yer lookin’ pretty good – I could take you out some time. (hands me check covered in oily fingerprints)
Me: (accepts check as if it was plague) Uh huh. Ummm… thanks guys. (Please don’t gang rape me.) See ya.

------------------------------------------
Posted at Humor-Blogs

The Giant Pokemon Painting Challenge

2008-07-28T07:29:00.010-04:00

I believe it was in the book "Cold Sassy Tree" where one of the characters is painting a mantle with a few pennies on it and he just paints over the coins, rather than removing them.

I was totally on board with that guy these past few days.

BoyChild declared the desire for his own bedroom and I was forced to give up my room that houses my vast array of art supplies along with the ancient computer designated only for doing "the books." My problem with this is that I don't really have another place to put the mountain of crap that had to be removed from that room, so the hallway has become an obstacle course of calligraphy pens, paint cans, mitre saws and foam board. Even sadder... I had to take down my fine, fine poster of Aragorn. *sigh*

Whenever I needed a little eye-candy-pick-me-upper, I'd just look his way and feel a little better. Or a lot better. There are only so many places in a house you can put something like that without folks stopping in and saying, "Oh my. And your husband is OK with that?"

The paint job took a lot longer than usual with all the crap-shifting and corner-joint-tape repair that once again involved me parked in front of the wall with a hair dryer. The shifting in our foundation has made most walls look like something from a fairground's Mad Hatter Fun House. Honestly, a doorway in my kitchen is trapezoidal.

By the time I actually got to the walls I was consciously painting over spiderwebs and smallish insects in the quest to be done.

Now doesn't this just look like he lives in a giant Pokeball?

Do me a favor and slap me the next time I say I'm going to work with red paint. Needs too many coats to look good and that stuff is a beeeyotch. Case in point:

My sister bought a house in Kennesaw, GA a few years back and I went down to help her spruce up a bit. I was in charge of painting her bathroom Raspberry. So I wiped down the walls and started in. After painting one wall, I stand back and notice that the entire wall is splotchy. Not in the this-needs-three-coats-of-paint way, but in the HOLY-S***-WTF-IS-ON-THE-WALLS? way.

See, I forgot the important part of that equation. She bought a house in KENNESAW - home of the Kennesaw Claw. Fifteen years worth of Aqua Net had been sprayed in that bathroom leaving a layer of residue over everything. My sister-in-law became my sole heir that day when she said, "Would you like me to help you wash down the walls?" *tearing up just thinking about it* This poor girl just offered to help me scrub down four walls, one of which had a layer of wet,red paint on top of it. Caroline - YOU ARE THE BOMB! MWAH!

Well, her bathroom is now a lovely Raspberry Red, it looks beautiful and D - you really should put a memorial plaque to Caroline and me in that bathroom.

-------------------------------

Check over at Humor-Blogs for funny folk.

PA Visit That I Don't Even Really Feel Like Writing About

2008-07-26T18:32:00.011-04:00

Gah. That's how I feel about writing a post.

I almost had to issue a public apology for wise-cracking on the Pennsylvania roads, but was vindicated when we entered a ten mile stretch of highway that went from two-lanes to one-lane for ten miles (did I already say that?) with NO APPARENT CONSTRUCTION happening. There were also NO APPARENT EXITS and GirlChild was screaming to pee since she scarfed an entire water bottle on the sly. That would be my $2 water bottle from the un-airconditioned Pennsylvania Welcome Center where we got a KitKat to share, but couldn't because it was too melty and so we had to put it in the cupholder in front of the AC vent for 20 minutes before we could eat it.

At mile nine of the construction we hit an exit with no businesses but a trucking company so they got an eyeful of GirlChild hunkered on the grass, pantless. And I only got a little pee on my foot. And my hand.

We stayed in Frackville with a friend and hit up the amusement park, Knoebel's (pronounce the 'K') which was truly wonderful for the ages that my kids are. On a Tuesday, the crowds were completely sane and I only needed half a xanax. Didn't need the spare in my purse. Unlike my trip to Disney during Spring Break which would have benefitted from harder drugs or animal tranqs.

Here's BoyChild staring out from the crotch of the world's creepiest wooden Indian.

GirlChild just turned 5. She went on this ride.

She went on every ride she was tall enough to get on. On the last ride I rode with her, she got eerily quiet.

"Ummm...GirlChild...are you OK?" (No response.)
"GirlChild?" (Vacant stare.)
"Lean THAT way when you puke darlin'."

Are the Amish even allowed to go to amusement parks?!

We headed home on Wednesday, flirting briefly with the idea of swinging by Gettysburg. Between the rain and my retarded quest for gas, I nixed the historical visit and headed straight home. What's that? You wanna hear about the world's dumbest quest for gas? I'll sum up:

1. Leave Frackville with very little gas.

2. About 2 miles down, think - "I don't remember seeing a whole lot of gas stations on the way up, perhaps I should just turn around and go back to Frackville for gas."

3. Nix that idea, continue on and pull off at the next exit. Only trees for miles in each direction. Drive a few miles through creepy backwoods, get scared of running out of gas when I'm not even sure exactly where I am and turn back to highway. See some road workers and ask where the nearest gas station is.

4. Go down highway some more and turn off per the road workers instructions. Drive lots of miles and pray they didn't give me faulty directions while staring intently at my gas needle.

5. Find gas station and do the happy dance. Ask gas station attendant if there is a faster way to get back to highway. She says I can just stay on the road I'm on.

6. I do this and end up back in Frackville. I have just made a complete counter-clockwise loop, with what I'm SURE were only right-hand turns.

7. Weep.

-----------------------------------------

Posted at Humor-Blogs.