SUGABUM

Keep calm and carry on

2009-11-04T00:50:00.004-05:00

^ John Mayer - "Heartbreak Warfare"

Really feeling this song at the moment. I <3 John Mayer.

Halloween 2009

2009-11-01T18:05:00.008-05:00

So I was a glory hole for Halloween.

^I liked his costume best. And not just because his was made out of a cardboard box, too. =P I wish you could see the whole thing.

^Not costumes

^The horses started eating my costume!

Hump my face

2009-10-22T23:29:00.000-04:00

Enough of that emo shit. I'm so over it.

So in the past week I've had two random people stop me mid-conversation to tell me that I have great skin. The ultimate complement! Most people know that I've been struggling with acne for the past couple of years. Two years ago, people would stop me and whisper their two cents on how to clear up my skin--sleep more, don't eat so much sugar or fried foods, put toothpaste or listerine on your zits--I've heard it all! And the sick part is that I never asked for their advice. I'm sure people thought they were being helpful, but I felt terrible on the receiving end because it meant that my acne was so bad that these people felt compelled to say something to me about it...they couldn't just ignore it. I suffered from low self esteem and all that bad stuff. To say it's been a struggle is an understatement. But two years later, look at me now! Getting complements from strangers! And they ask ME what I use! Insane. Never thought that would happen. I know, I'm making a big deal out of two measly complements, but I'm so proud of myself. I've really come full circle in regards to my skin.

I know I've been saying that I am going to post up my new skincare regimen for the last two months or so, but I've been really slacking on that. However, I feel motivated to type up that entry again. So look out for it! =)

^It's been freakin cold in NY for the last couple of weeks...40 degree weather in October, wtf? So over the weekend I bought myself this cute hat to hide my head in. And then, of course, the weather decides to return back to high 60s this week. This weather is driving me nuts! Usually hats look really bad on me, but I'm really liking this chunky one.

^Mushroom head!

And guess who came to NYC to visit recently? BLUEEEEEEE!

She and her boyfriend are such a cute couple. And she's so funny...you look fabulous in every angle, girly! Bad ramen, but fun times! =P

Seesawing

2009-10-20T01:24:00.001-04:00

I don't know how to explain it...I'm feeling nothing and everything at the same time. I'm emotionally numb, yet completely vulnerable. I'm fine, but I'm not.

I don't really know how I'm supposed to feel, but I know how I feel.

Usually I'll write about whatever is bothering me and I'll feel better afterward, but some things are probably better left unsaid on such a public platform. Yet I have so much to say and no one to say it to. And the one person who I'd usually tell everything to, I can't tell anymore.

And yea it bothers me, but it also kind of doesn't.

I feel angry, I feel mad, I feel sad, I feel disappointed. Mostly that last one.

And at other times I feel absolutely nothing...almost completely fine.

And sometimes I'll even feel happy. And that's a fucking awesome feeling.

But I'm spending money like it falls from the sky. I really don't know why.

You know, nothing really gets to me, but this one song...

...because it's the best feeling in the world and I miss it.

But, like I said, I'm fine.

Whenever, whatever...

2009-10-10T01:28:00.009-04:00

P.S. I really like my new job.

ZOMBIE

2009-09-04T03:31:00.001-04:00

I go through phases where I feel like the shit I blog about on here is so immature and a waste of time, yet at the same time I sometimes feel like this blog is the only place I can vent my frustrations without being judged (actually, I guess the whole internet world can judge me, but I could care less what a stranger thinks of me).

I've been slacking on updating...sorry (to myself, I really wanted to blog more often)...I do have things to write about and pictures to post, but I'm finding that I only have the energy and motivation to blog when I'm not feeling good. So my blog is starting to turn into crap and I don't like that.

Anyway, I'm so tired right now, but I can't sleep because I have to write a letter of support for one of my college professors who is applying for tenure. Right now the letter is still in bits and pieces, but I have to mail it out by Saturday. I'm so honored that my professor asked *me* out of all his thousands of students and I want to hit it out of the ballpark for him, but I can't seem to get my thoughts onto paper. He's done so much for me while I was a student and I want to return the favor. Yet I feel so unqualified to be writing this letter, but I agreed to do it, so there is no backing out now. So I'm just sitting here staring blankly at my computer screen, secretly wishing I was in bed instead. I'm such a bad person. I would never want someone I asked to write me a recommendation to treat the letter like I am right now. I need to slap myself out of this rut and write the damn thing already.

I'm cutting my hair tomorrow. You know what that means...I'm stressed the fuck out!

P.S. My previous boss mouthing off at me and then firing me after I attempted to give him my two-weeks notice was totally uncalled for (then as I'm packing up my desk, he comes back to me and asks me to *please* work for two more days since there's still so much more work to be done). It's been a week since the incident and I'm still mad about it. I was never anything but professional while working there. I did not deserve to be treated and talked down to so badly. I need something else to focus on. Well, I'm starting my new job on Tuesday. It's going to be great, I can just feel it.

P.P.S. I really like this song:

^ IYAZ/Sean Kingston - "Replay"

I think I should go make myself one of those "#1 Dad" T-Shirts

2009-08-22T02:22:00.002-04:00

Today my dad emailed me to tell me happy birthday. My birthday is in October. A couple of months ago he emailed me to ask me what me and my brother's middle names are. What the hell am I supposed to say to things like this? How am I supposed to react? It really hurts me that my father doesn't really know anything about me. Not even the basics, like my birthday or my name. That shit doesn't even require him knowing me as a person at all. It just requires him knowing that I exist...and he was there when I was born, he even helped pick out my name. But what can I say? At least he tries? At least he doesn't abuse or molest me? I guess I have it better than some people. I don't think my brother takes it as personally. It's just me. I think one of my biggest personality flaws is that I'm overly sensitive and I take things very personally. Maybe my dad isn't so bad after all and I'm just overreacting. Wait, when did this turn into a self-blaming session? I'm mad at my dad for not being a better father figure, damnit! And that should be a perfectly legitimate feeling to have.

Like Mother, Like Daughter

2009-08-21T01:24:00.000-04:00

...and my mom wonders where the hell I got my bad attitude and short temper from (only towards her...I'm pretty calm and even-keeled otherwise).

FROM HER! DUHHHHHHHHH.

I feel like such an immature young teenager posting this complaint, but sometimes she is just TOO MUCH. And I've had an insane amount of mom overload these past two weeks with me not working and all. And I need to venttttt!!!

Living at home fucking sucks. And as I get older it sucks more and more because in some sense I have a choice to move out, but then at the same time I don't because my family needs my paycheck to pay the rent. I kind of wish I could get a job in some other state so I had an excuse to run away, just like I did for college. Maybe I'll run away for grad school? But then I also have my longtime boyfriend here in NY. Lots of things to consider. My friends call me a free spirit. I hate to be tied down like this.

Of course I'm not looking forward to working again, but I am soooo looking forward to spending time away from my mother.

There IS a light at the end of the tunnel!

2009-08-11T23:08:00.003-04:00

YESSS YESSSS YESS YESSSSSSS!!!!

I got myself a job offer!!!! Well, pending my background check, which should be spiffy clean. It's about time, I'm so sick of repeating myself in interviews (and filling out those 20 page applications!!!) week after week. I've been sending out resumes since May, so this is such a heavy weight lifted off my shoulders. The agency is really laid back and accommodating, but the downside is that the pay is low. I haven't signed anything yet, so I'm going to keep my options open and interview some more these next two weeks.

Everyone experiences moments when they feel like giving up because things don't seem like they will ever get better. You've reached a stalemate or you've hit a wall or you've lost it all. But today I am reminded of why we should never give up.

=D =D =D =D =D SOOOOO HAPPPYYY.

Summertime in the city!

2009-08-10T01:28:00.001-04:00

It's already August, but it's only beginning to feel like summer in NYC.

I went to the beach last week. I'm terrified of the sun, so this was a big thing for me. My mom has instilled this fear in me that if I sunbathe I will end up with sunspots and freckles all over my face and body (that's what happened to her). And I actually do have a handful of freckles on my face from not using sunscreen. =( But I began using sunscreen this year, so hopefully I won't get anymore!

^Lots of people on the beach...I'm not sure why we camped so far from everyone else, though.

^Me & Calvin

^The guys playing cards

^Eww at Will's unexplainable bicep bruise.

^Don't they soooo look like twins? Or at least brothers? Surprise, they're not even related! I don't believe it!

^Weaksauce!

Summer also means another anniversary to celebrate...seven years and counting!

This year we're also celebrating a new addition to the family, our baby Stinky! Actually I've had him for 2 years already, but this is his first full year as a New Yorker. I think Calvin loves him more than he loves me, though. =\

And summertime should mean wearing less makeup, but for me, it means wearing lots of makeup! For the first time ever, I'm finally able to play with makeup on a pretty regular basis without breaking out. My skin is finally under control. FINALLY. And I can't stop playing with my stash. =)

^Messing around with some blues. Blues usually look really bad on me, but I think this time it came out okay. Maybe a little too much shadow underneath the eye? *shrugs*

I just started my 2 week vacation from work. I'm trying my best to take it easy and relax. However, there are a lot of things on my to do list and I'm also hoping to squeeze in a couple more job interviews. I wish I was more of a carefree person. I overwork and stress myself out too much. But I've got to hustle if I want to make it anywhere. I've got to stay one step ahead of everyone else, yet no matter what I do, I always feel like I'm a couple steps behind. It's so hard to stay motivated and keep my eye on the prize when I don't exactly know what the prize is. All I know is that giving up is not an option.

Feeling Strangely Fine

2009-07-22T22:51:00.005-04:00

I promised myself that I would post something here before August. It's been a long time, man! I find blogging really tedious and time consuming, so recently I've just chosen not to blog at all. But I really want to get back into the habit, so here's a little update. Sorry the pictures are really small. I didn't know when I uploaded them that they would shrink so much, oops!

May 2009 - The 9th Ave. International Food Festival:

^My friend had a meatball sandwich for an appetizer, which he downed in 3 minutes...he's a monster. That thing would have filled me up on its own.

^Slurping down down fresh clams

^Sad little piggy who's life was sacrificed to serve as a decoration.

^Cajun food...omg the jambalaya was so spicy...

^Enjoying some Argentinean steak sandwiches...those were mad good and sold out fast.

^ Alligator Sausage...it tasted like a regular sausage to me...a really expensive sausage.

^This lady didn't even have a setup. She was selling empanadas out of her picnic basket.

^Cannolis!!! My favorite dessert! Too bad they didn't have the chocolate covered ones. But I got some amazing chocolate covered strawberries that made up for it.

^Green tea cupcake made from tofu. It wasn't that good.

^With our stomachs filled to capacity, we walked over to Central Park to rest up. Don't ask me why they were laying like that, but as you can see even in this picture, they attracted a lot of pedestrian attention. I guess NYC isn't ready for public display of homosexual behavior.

^Going home with a super full stomach and a big smile on my face.

May 2009 - Yay, Calvin Graduates with in MBA in Accounting!

^ It was also the day of my first job interview (I've been looking for a new job), which I fucked up by asking for too high of a salary. She insisted I give her a number, so I asked for 30s, but it turns out they were only offering mid-20s. Social work makes no money. =(

^ So proud of him

June 2009 - Snapple BBQ Block Party

^Even though it was rainy that day, the line were still long as hell. About a 40 minute wait for most lines.

^My friend and I waiting on some long ass lines.

^OMG the BBQ baked beans were sooooo good. I think I could slurp up a gallon of it.

^Eating ribs with a fork is not a good idea

^Sausages....they ran out of some other meat that was supposed to go with this dish, so they gave us extra sausage.

^I forgot what kind of meat this was...pork shoulder? I was so full by then that I gave my order away to my friends

^Free pork! It was tiny and dry. But what could I expect, it was free!

^Corn smothered in mayo, cheese, and spices. Pretty good, but the corn at Cafe Habana is better.

^I ran into so many people that day, including Ant and Jamie, whom I haven't seen in ages

^The crazy ass line for Shake Shack, which is located right in the middle of the BBQ Block Party. It must have been at least an hour wait or more. Anyone who waited on that line is an idiot. I went back the next weekend and waited only 5 minutes for my burger. =)

^A candid shot of Billy Mays....R.I.P. OxiClean man...

^Eleven Madison served this great lemon and thyme iced tea. Great way to wash down all that meat I just ate.

July 2009 - Macy's Fourth of July Fireworks on the Hudson River

^I wanted to grab some Yakitori at St. Marks before heading out to watch the fireworks, but it wasn't open yet...BOOHOO....(OMG I'm in love with their fries with roe dip....sooo goood)...

^...so we went to this other Japanese restaurant to have ramen instead. It wasn't that good. I wanted my french fries damnit! I look like a deer caught in headlights in this picture.

^Yay, we found a good spot!

^ Look at all the people! I like how that old man is mooning me in the picture

^Taking a nap on the dirty Manhattan street

^Really pretty sunset

^I'm terrible at self-taken shots...I always cut the other people off....

^My friend, Jason, does a much better job

^Candid shot...so this is what I look like when I'm not cheesing it for the camera...

^Getting restless...when are the fireworks going to start?!

^Making funny faces

^Finally time for fireworks

^I thought this picture was cool

^The finale with lots of smoke in the sky

^Afterwards, we went to Junior's in Midtown....

...and I had the best burger ever...it really hit the spot....

^...and finished it off with a strawberry cheese pie, which is actually just cheesecake with a crust (I was kind of hoping for some weird cheese dessert)...but still a very good cheesecake...afterall, that is what they are known for.

So much for a "little" update. I've actually been working on a new acne regimen post with before and after pictures. (I finally discovered my HG products for maintaining clear skin!!!) I'll try to get that post up soon, probably in the next week or two.

Other than that, I'll try my best to keep this blog more updated. As for now, lots of things have happened since the last time I blogged here. I'm stressing out a lot over lots of changes I need to make in my life, but I've recently set up a plan for myself to get out of this rut. There are lots of unknowns in my future, but I'm feeling strangely fine about it. At this point, any change is better than no change at all.

Well, I guess that's it for now!

Ta-ta!

Four Eyes

2009-05-15T23:55:00.004-04:00

Lalala...here I am busting out a post out of no where. I've got a lot on my mind right now, so I'm blogging in an effort to get my mind off of things. Now to think of something to write about...

Well, to start off, HIIII!!! Long time so see.

Nothing much going on with me...doing the same 9-5 routine everyday and volunteering on weekends. I don't have many pictures to share with you all because recently had a huge acne outbreak all over my face and I've been trying nursing my skin back to health for the last two months. I'm not going to show any pictures of my acne-covered face, but let's just say I looked something like this. Well, my skin is not back to perfect yet, but it's getting there.

The culprit for my acne breakout???

That shit right there!!! Fucking MAC MSFs!!! When the MAC Sugarsweet Collection came out, I went nuts for the MSFs. I really liked them, so I ended up buying 3 of each color (that's $150 worth of powder right there!). I wore them everyday on my face, loved it, but kept breaking out. I was in denial at the time because I was in love with the MSFs. I made excuses for my breakouts, thinking I wasn't getting enough sleep or I was just stressed out at work. I started to wear the MSFs less and realized I would only break out on the days I wore it. So that's how I knew it was the culprit. But my skin kind of went haywire for a long time even after I completely stopped using the MSFs. I'm still getting a little bit of acne here and there, and still trying to fade the scars. I've since returned all the MSFs. My face is just too sensitive. =(

Here are some pictures of my nice skin before it went crazy on me. These pictures are from Phillip's farewell dinner:

^Me & Calvin

^Me & Mona

^ Me & Phillip - My last picture with him and his eyes are half closed...boo hoo!

So, yea, this was back when my skin was still pretty nice. I don't think I was wearing anything on my face...only eyeliner and lipgloss.

And this is my skin now...as in today:

OMG I'M A FOUR EYES!! I got my glasses today. They make me feel so dizzy...and make me look like I'm in JHS. Luckily, I only have to wear them while I'm at work (my contacts get really dry from staring at the computer screen for so long everyday). ANYWAYS, my skin isn't so bad now...I still have some scarring, but I think my skin is MUCH improved compared to one month ago! I have absolutely no makeup on in that picture...well I have lipgloss on, but that doesn't count.

^ Here you can see some acne scars on my forehead. This was my practice run for Chi's Spring Makeup Contest. I never got to entering because I thought I had to do a whole picture tutorial to enter and I didn't have the time. Looks like not everyone did a tutorial, though. BOO, I guess I could have entered. =( I liked the look, but both my mom and my brother said it was ugly and I looked like a clown. Double =(.

^ *SIGH* I really wish my skin could look like this again...maybe in another month, if I take good care of it.

And to continue on with the randomness of this post, here's a NOTD!

^ I was inspired by Nic Nic to do the gradient look. It's actually really easy and fun to do. The glitter polishes from The Face Shop are super awesome.

I guess that's all for now. What a long post about nothing!

Ta-ta!

Sephora Sale

2009-04-15T22:46:00.002-04:00

Just thought I'd share that Sephora is having a 15% off everything sale for all beauty insiders through April 21, 2009.

For the printable in-store coupon, click here. *Note that you will need a beauty insider card to use the coupon.

The online code is BD2T9CB5 and supposedly can be used by anyone, including people who don't have a beauty insider card.

Enjoy!

Source: Slickdeals.net

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On another note, I've concluded that all the creepy guys that so often approach me in public are pedophiles. My reasoning is that 99.9% (not an exaggeration) of people who meet me in person do not believe I am 22 years old. Guesses usually range from 14-18. I think it has a lot to do with my short stature and my soft, child-like voice. Without makeup, I look even younger. But that does not stop grown ass men from trying to kick it to me. Am I supposed to be flattered that even without makeup on I caught someone's eye? No, not when most of the world thinks that I am underage. And it's not like these guys are attracted to my personality or anything (they are strangers after all); they are strictly attracted to my physical features. I can only imagine what goes through their minds when they try to pick me up. And I'm not talking about the hobo drunkards wandering the streets. I'm talking about real guys in suits and shit. And it happens to me so much. These guys are sick man, so sick.

_______________________________________________

P.S. I really want to join Chi's spring makeup contest, but I can't think of a good look to do. I suck at putting on makeup these days. I can't even put on eyeliner smoothly. (I'm so sad, I've fallen out of practice. But healthy skin is more important to me, and I'm aiming for perfect skin before the weather turns warm!) But I'll try to pull something out of my ass within the next two weeks.

P.P.S. I just found out my 5-year high school reunion is in 2 months. I feel so old just thinking about it. I can't believe it's been 5 years already.

Adam Lambert for the win!

2009-04-03T23:38:00.000-04:00

He is soooo good!

Danny Gokey is also damn good:

And Kris Allen's performance this week was also really good:

"Good" in the above 3 sentences should be translated as: OHHH MAAA GAWDD, WOOOWOWWWOWWWZERS! THEY FREAKIN ROX MY SOX...AND MY PANTIES...AND MY BRA. *DROOL*

________________________

Finding a new job sucks. I am well-qualified for many open positions, but the deal breaker for me most of the time is the extremely low salary offers. I've always known that psychology is not the most lucrative field to get into, but I didn't know it was this bad. The worst job offer I've come across so far is for a full-time substance abuse counselor position working with opiate addicts for a yearly salary of $16,000 before tax. That breaks down to about $7.69/hour, which means I'd only be bringing home about $5/hour after taxes. For a job that requires a bachelor degree and past experience in the field, that salary offer is so unbelievably sad. I still can't believe it!

Anyway, I'm hoping to get a research position at the VA Hospital. I think I could get it, but the problem is that I have no idea what salary they are offering. It's killing me because I can't live off of minimum wage. I can barely live off of what I'm making now. But what am I complaining about...it was my choice to pursue psychology. Oh well, we'll see what happens.

My goodness, it's April already. Time passes by way too quickly...

I'm still here! =)

2009-03-12T22:46:00.003-04:00

Wow, I haven't blogged in forever.

No excuses for that, except that I have limited access to internet these days. Not too much has changed since the last time I blogged. A quick update:

My current job is killing me!!! I hate it so much. I was so stressed out at work earlier this week that I got a nose bleed. Wtf, right? I never get nose bleeds. And I can't talk to the bosses about it because they are the problem! My bosses are so unprofessional it's not even funny. No wonder people just stop showing up to work--they either get fired or simply walk out on the job because they can't handle it. I'm looking for a job in psychology. Wish me luck because I'm going to need it!

I really like my volunteer job. It's a surprisingly relaxing experience for me. I can no longer refer to my volunteer work in specifics, since I signed a confidentiality agreement with the agency. That means I need to go back and delete all traces of specific references to my volunteer work from this blog, but I'm too lazy right now. But, anyway, from now on, I will only be referring to it as "volunteer work" and as much as I want to, I really can't discuss my experiences in detail.

I'm trying to move out on my own, but it's proving to be an extremely difficult task. Having a dog in the city is such a bitch! Also, I'm currently on a really tight budget. As much as I hate it, I think it's wiser for me to stay with my mom until I find a better paying job. Why does NYC have to be so freaking expensive? =(

Calvin and I are giving it another try. Slowly...but surely. Admittedly, we're both really hesitant this time around. I mean, this is our third time trying. Are we fighting a losing battle or is the third time the charm? There's no way of knowing, so we're taking a chance by following out hearts. We're taking it super slow, seeing each other only once a week or less, but we talk on the phone often. It's only been a couple of weeks, but things are really looking up. He even cleaned out a drawer for me! And he's much more responsive and attentive to me now. I can see that he's trying and I appreciate it a lot. We've been talking a lot about why things went wrong before and our expectations for the future. We're trying to be more open and honest about everything with each other (as opposed to bottling up our feelings). Hopefully we don't revert back to old habits. If that happens, our relationship is over for good (and there will be no fourth time around, I promise myself that! I can't handle the heartache). But at least we're trying.

I don't really know what else to update on. These are the major things going on in my life right now, nothing too exciting. Sorry I've been absent from this blog for so long. I'll try to update more often.

I don't have any new pictures to share since I lent my camera to Calvin for his China trip, so I shall leave you with a picture of me back in high school when I came back from vacation sunburnt and with an allergic reaction to seafood on my lips. Enjoy!

Hehehe. =P

Ruby Woo, you put a smile on my face!

2009-01-25T18:48:00.002-05:00

And so he says (and in his AIM profile at that!):

"It's something unpredictable, but in the end is right. I hope you had the time of your life..."

So now we're communicating indirectly, I see. Well, to that I say:

I guess that means we're not on a break! And to answer your question, NO, I did not have the time of my life. There were so many things that we could have tried harder at to make things better. And I was hoping things would get better, but now I know it never will. But it's definitely better to know this now than later. I'll find love elsewhere.

Moving on...

_____________________________________

^This picture is more color accurate in terms of lipstick color, but look how pale the flash makes me! =(

So, what do you think? Can I wear red lipstick? IN THE DAYTIME?? Because that's what I did. =) ...or do I look like I just walked out of an old Chinese film?

_____________________________________

^It's my dog's birthday today. He's 2! I'm such a proud mama! This is him playing dead.

_____________________________________

^Hi Mai!!! How are you? It was nice to see you again. Why did you have to leave so soon? =( Anyway, love you, stay strong, go on and chase those dreams!!! But don't forget to come back to visit me sometimes. =) <3<3<3

_____________________________________

Yesterday I started volunteer training for the suicide hotline. It's tough, exhausting work...and I haven't even begun answering phone calls! The training is intense, it makes you feel stupid. I think that's the point, though. And we're not allowed to ask questions. Speak only when spoken to. It was a very military-like style of training. But the guy said everything will make more sense in the lessons to come. I hope he's right!

Anyway, I'm hating the cold windy weather we're getting here in NY. I also don't like how it's difficult to escape the hustle and bustle of the city life without a car. Sometimes I just want to get away and relax, but I can't. Makes me want to move away. Maybe for grad school, maybe sooner, who knows? Or maybe I'll just get a car.

Anyone want to get lost in the city with me?

Slumdog Millionaire

2009-01-17T18:37:00.003-05:00

If it's playing in your area, I suggest you get off of your lazy butts and go watch it...NOW! Seriously, it's REALLY good. I want to go watch it again.

I wore the red lipstick the other day like I said I would and I don't think it looked half bad. It was definitely bold and dramatic and I looked like I was in costume, but I think I pulled it off. When people talked to me that day, they for sure had their eyes on my lips instead of my eyes, though. You know how when a girl has big boobs and instead of making eye contact, guys will make boob contact? That's how it was for my lips. I realized I can only wear black clothes with red lipstick, though, so that means that lipstick will not get much use because I don't own much black-colored clothing.

I will show pics next week since my idiotic self remembered to bring my camera to Starbucks to upload the pictures, but forgot the USB cord. =\

After two weeks of not talking at all, I finally had dinner with Calvin last night. Surprisingly, it was really, really normal. No awkwardness or talk of our situation at all. I liked it because we finally had a one-on-one dinner for the first time since forever. I'm surprised it took becoming friends for us to actually be able to do that. We used to either grab takeout and eat at home together, or if we went out, it was always with friends, never one-on-one dates. I kind of wonder, though, have we broken up or are we on a break? We never made that distinction when I packed up my stuff and left. Eventually we will have to talk about it. I think it's important for us to be on the same page.

I thought of a good new year's resolution for myself: to make half a month's paycheck last me an entire month. That includes rent, transportation, food, snowboarding, going out, everything. The other half will go into savings. I've always been really good with my money, never spending more than I have and I do save, but I've never put myself on a budget before. This means less impulsive shopping for me...or not. Luckily, I'm really good about returning things that I later decide I really don't need or want. I return half of the crap I buy. But still, I want to cap my spending, plan for the future. Which reminds me, I have to start saving for my retirement! Will do that next week.

And now...time to catch up on reading everyone's blogs!! According to Google Reader, I'm 306 entries behind. =(

i miss him

2009-01-12T22:50:00.002-05:00

I'll admit it. I miss him. I can't get him out of my mind. For the last two days, I've had to constantly talk myself out of calling him because if I called him, what the hell would I say? I'd ask him how his day went, tell him about my day...I don't know. I don't think I'm ready to talk yet, but I just really want to hear his voice...and maybe for the wrong reasons. I wonder if I'm missing the habit of talking to him or if I'm really missing him.

It's probably for the better that we give each other space, anyway. As much as I hate to say it, we need some time apart to really think things through on our own. But the pain and the heartache won't go away on their own and are probably here to stay for a while. It's not something I can control. I just have to let time do its thing.

But I hate not being in control of things, which is why I felt the urgent need to buy a bright red lipstick today. I might not be able to control the way I feel, but I am in full control of how I look. I ended up buying MAC lipstick in Ruby Woo and will be putting it to use tomorrow. I don't care how it ends up looking on me, I just really need to feel in control of something in my life, and there's no way I'm cutting my hair this time, so a dramatic change in lip color seems like a good compromise.

BLAH BLAH BLAH, it's all part of the healing process, this is only the beginning, but eventually it will get better, I just have to get over the hump...I know, I know.

But at this point I'm not over the hump yet, and I'm just trying to deal, you know?

I have internet!!

2009-01-11T12:15:00.008-05:00

Woo hoo, I finally am able to surf the web from my computer instead of from my tiny Blackberry Pearl screen. I figured out how I could get internet service from my computer. I just had to sign up for a Starbucks Rewards online account, activate a Starbucks gift card, and spend my gift card once at least every 30 days and I can have 2 hours of free wi-fi per day at my local Starbucks location.

So right now I'm at Starbucks typing up this post!

And guess what happened right after I arrived here...I spilled my drink all over myself at the condiment counter. =(

So now I'm at Starbucks with internet, but also with the nasty stench of coffee all over my clothes and shoes. The workers were nice, though, and made me another drink. And no I'm not walking all the way back home to change my clothes and walk back here. Hell no, not in this freezing cold weather. So the smelly stench stays.

I thought I'd post up some pictures from New Year's Eve. My friend, Luis, threw a potluck party at his home and we had a lot of fun. All picture credits go to Luis, as I was too tired to take any pictures that night. Plus, the quality of his pictures are a gazillion times better anyway (damn his dslr...I'm so jealous).

^Jimmy and Luis wish YOU a happy new year =)

^Me and Dre (May dying in the background, lol)

^ My feet smell like roses, I promise!!

^ Calvin and I - He looks like Abu from Aladdin with his ripped up New Year's hat

^ Dre was sooooo annoying blowing his noise maker all night

^ Syl fighting back...NO MORE NOISEMAKING PLEASE!!!

^ Dre and Mike wearing half a hat each

^ Midnight group photo

^ Midnight kiss.

^ At any point during the night, there were way too many people squished on that couch.

^ So happy here...

^ Game over for May and Syl...and they took Bagel with them

^ HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!

I looked so happy in all these pictures and I was. Things have, of course, changed since then, but there's no reason I shouldn't be able to look at and share these pictures and remember the good times, right?

I'm getting pretty hungry now. I wonder how Starbucks food tastes like. Only one way to find out!

When you think things can't get any worse...

2009-01-04T22:01:00.004-05:00

In one weekend I lost both my snowboard and my boyfriend. The only two things I actually look forward to these days are gone in a blink of an eye.

It turns out my snowboard was stolen. I took a food break in the cafeteria and when I came back out, both my board and my friend's board were missing. I was so pissed, you have no idea. It was only my second time using that board. Lucky for us, security recovered the boards and the theives were taken to jail. Seriously, we were so lucky. LOCK YOUR BOARDS UP, FOLKS! Can't trust nobody in this world.

Unfortunately, recovering from a 6.5 year relationship is not so simple. It is neither luck-related nor can be easily replaced.

I have no idea what to do with myself anymore. But regardless of however lost and confused I feel right now, however much I hope and pray for the world to end or to fall asleep and never wake up, the world will not stop for me.

I still have to wake up and go to work everyday. I still have to feed and walk my dog. I cannot break down and lose myself the way I did last year. I have to be stronger this time around because I'm more grown up and I have more responsibilities. And I will be, I'm sure I'll be. I am a strong person and I will get through it, I just don't know it yet.

Long time no post

2008-12-31T20:20:00.002-05:00

It's the last day of 2008. I thought I'd update now and start the new year fresh. I don't update much anymore because I no longer have internet at home. Internet service is a luxury my family cannot afford right now. Our money is going towards other things higher on our priority lists...like rent, food, and electricity.

So, anyway, yea...I thought I'd update now since I'm over at my boyfriend's place.

This year hasn't really been a great one for me. Sure, I graduated from college, moved across country, got my first full-time real job, etc., but that's nothing to be especially proud of. Everyone does that. As I think back on my experiences this year, I tearing up because I'm not proud of the experiences I've had, the choices I've made. I can't stand up tall and say, "Gee golly, what a year!"

To keep it short, let's just say that this year was a bust and I'm hoping for a better 2009. I can't promise myself that because if there is one thing I've learned this year it's to expect the unexpected. No amount of planning or caution taken can prevent life's curve balls from flying at me. I just have to ~~accept things for what they are and~~ keep on moving on.

I don't really have anything super exciting to blog about, so here are some random pictures and videos I've taken in recent days:

^ ...I'm going for you next!

^ It's like I'm having my period from my mouth

^Macy's holiday lights around where I work

^ And here's a video version. I really like those streaming lights on the trees. Every time I walk past them, I smile. I want them in my home. (Wow, I just realized how crappy in quality Google made my videos. Boo.)

^The cafe near my work sells FLAT bagels...so weird!

^ An empty train station during the morning rush hour on the day after Christmas...

^ ...makes for a lonely commute to work...

^ ...and a lonely bus ride home.

^ But despite the lonely work commute, Herald Square is nothing but lonely this time of year. I hate bee-lining through these crowds.

^ A festive Empire State Building

^ And a lego-colored Empire State Building! By the time I got my camera out of my purse, I couldn't get a decent shot. =(

^ Holidays cards I handmade for my professors

^My boyfriend cutting fudgy the whale at the surprise birthday party I threw him

And that is all for now, my dears. May 2009 be a great year for all of us. <3

...and eventually it all comes out

2008-12-17T00:53:00.005-05:00

In 10 hours I will be getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth pulled. FUN STUFF! I'm extremely terrified of the procedure itself and I can't imagine how I'm going to feel afterwards. I know it's going to hurt, but I feel like it's going to be a new kind of hurt that I've never experienced before, and I'm scared! One thing I'm actually looking forward to is having a legitimate excuse for Pinkberry lunches and applesauce dinners....MmmMm! And after the whole wisdom teeth removal process, I'm going to get braces. Braces at 22, SO HOTT!!...well, better late than never.

In other news, I GOT THE VOLUNTEER POSITION FOR THE SUICIDE HOTLINE! WOO HOO! I start training in January. I'm going to be overworked and tired as hell, and I can already see myself complaining about the added stress, but it'll be good for me in the long run.

Snowboarding at Windham

2008-12-07T18:16:00.004-05:00

I went snowboarding two weeks ago, during opening weekend, and I don't know how much longer I can procrastinate posting up the pictures. One of my friends has been asking to see them.

Not all these pictures are mine. Credits go to me, Jimmy, and Luis. And the pictures are small because there are a lot.

Enjoy!

^ Out trip started out with a pitstop at 7-Eleven and Luis spilling an entire cup of coffee on the passenger seat of Baldy's car. What a guy!

^ They like variety. =P

^ Luis took us on the scenic route to Windham mountain with his GPS. That was a really long ride. And I still don't know why we never stopped to eat breakfast. I was so hungry!

^ Me sleeping in the car...or was I?

^ Finally arrived at a little past 10am. Our day started at 5am!

^ Preparing to go up on the lift for the first time. I'm the little one in the back wearing oversized clothing.

^ James and Sam on the lift

^ Luis, my snowboarding partner for the day, take 1

^Luis, take 2 (totally wishing I had wide angle lens at that moment)

^Luis, Jimmy, and Baldy on what I believe was the blue trail?

^ Me. Jimmy makes fun of my goggles. He says I need new ones pronto. What can I say? I got it for $20 bucks.

^ My snowboard

^ Finally got some food in my stomach. The clam chowder in a bread bowl hit the spot.

^Luis on the ski lift

^ Poor Jerry, he spent the whole day alone on the bunny slope

^Luis taking a break

^ Jimmy, the snowboarding fiend

^Luis and I on the ski lift

^Jerry as an ad for North Face

^ End of the day, exhausted, take 1

^ End of the day, take 2

^I fell on hard my ass one too many times, but all in all, it was a really fun day. Can't wait to do it again.

The night's hard to get through

2008-12-07T01:49:00.000-05:00

Ne-Yo - "Mad"

We're fighting this war

Baby when both of us are losing

This ain't the way that love is supposed to go

What happened to working it out?

We've fallen to this place

Where you ain't backin' down and I ain't backin' down

So what the hell so we do now?

It's all for

Nothing, fighting for

Nothing, crying for

Nothing, whoa

But we won't let it go for

Nothing, no not for

Nothing, this should be

Nothing to a love like what we got

Feeling suicidal?

2008-12-02T23:48:00.005-05:00

Oh man, maybe blogging from my blackberry isn't the smartest thing to do. Blogger doesn't automatically save a draft every couple of minutes. One wrong push of a button and everything is gone. Just like what I did right now. BOO! :(

Well, the gist of my post was to announce that I have an interview for a volunteer position with a suicide hotline next Tuesday! When one part of my life sucks, I tend to try to compensate for it by bettering myself in another aspect of my life that I have more control over. I can't be sulking in my own misery forever! I hope they like me! If I don't get this position, I'm not sure what my next career move will be. But for now I'm super excited and looking forward to the interview! Woo hoo.

P.S. Thanks for all the advice and comments on my last couple of entries. I wanted to let you all know how much I appreciate the support. It makes me feel less alone in this fight.

EDIT: Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you all with the title of my entry. No, I'm not thinking of committing suicide. Probably not my best title choice, especially after all those depressing entries I've been writing. Lol, my bad.