taking life one day at a time

Nobody gets out of here alive...

2009-11-06T22:38:00.005-05:00

Relocated blog to:

http://ebz1016.wordpress.com

More Ch-ch-changes...

2009-10-30T23:10:00.004-05:00

Changes are afoot...

You can continue to read my blog now located @ http://ebz1016.wordpress.com/ and now known as "Nobody Gets Out Of Here Alive" ...a change I had came up with about a year ago but never really developed.

I feel with some other changes already setting into my life, a change of scenery in cyber space is well over due.

I hope to see you there.

Be Well.

-Scotty

Taking a month off...to write.

2009-10-25T09:35:00.002-05:00

Nanowrimo 2009 starts Nov1st at midnight...I am not sure how I am going to really do this this year but I am going to try...

Check out: http://www.nanowrimo.org/ for more info.

Be Well.

-Scotty

So this is Forty...

2009-10-16T16:55:00.003-05:00

After my diagnosis in 2006 at 37 years old I wasn't so sure I would certainly get to 40. Faced with a lot of uncertainty and left to deal with and contemplate my own mortality...I actually doubted it for a few moments.

Faced with the very real possibility that what I had was metastatic Kidney cancer, we left my oncologist's office certain of absolutely nothing. Prior to learning I had cancer at all I didn't doubt I would live a healthy life...we all know this is not the case but until life smacks you like this, you don't prepare yourself to wrestle with "What ifs" and entertain what life is going to look like without you in it...

Before cancer, I knew 40 was obviously on the horizon and I was not happy with my place in life and some of the choices I had made. Lots of decisions cause you to reflect on regrets and missed opportunities. "Shit I'm gonna be 40...what have I done with my life?" actually came out of my mouth...

Then on Nov 4th, 2006 I spotted the bump in my neck. Two weeks after my 37th birthday I was looking at cancer and didn't know it yet.

45 days later I was officially diagnosed and in the fight of my life.

Suddenly 40 was a goal. ....I HAD TO GET TO 40.

Thankfully I have been in Remission since 5/18/2007.

I am approaching my 3rd Cancerversary in Dec this year.

And today is my 40th Birthday.

I'm still not happy with my place in the world and some of the choices I have made. I still reflect on regrets and missed opportunities from time to time. But it doesn't take long to realize why it doesn't affect me in the same way. Cancer screwed things up even more than I did...things could certainly be worse.

But for today, that doesn't matter. I made it.

Cancer got in the way but it didn't stop me.

I'm working on the rest.

Be well.
-Scotty

Learning to Breathe

2009-10-14T08:50:00.002-05:00

"Learning to Breathe" by Switchfoot.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vVlnHT8OkQQ

This another song that I can't stop listening to. This is an older song, I discovered on their Greatest Hits CD that came out last year. They have a new CD coming out in November. (My beautiful wife pre-ordered it for me, she's the best.)

Check out: http://www.switchfoot.com/

Music always speaks to your soul...

Be well.

Recent Stuff...

2009-10-03T07:53:00.003-05:00

I learned a few things about myself this week...ultimately I learned that getting older isn't easy. As my 40th birthday approaches I have realized with my wife's help that I am literally due for a mid-course correction. I am at a point in my life where I have to accept that the kid in me has grown up and I need to stop chasing his dreams...

To use a cliche...I have to learn how to navigate a midlife crisis. How sad is that? But the symptoms add up. Basically I have to learn how to accept the person I planned on becoming is not who I am now. I have to figure out who I am today and be content with the dreams I have to let go of and set some new goals. Maybe I'll learn how to play Golf or take up Running (wouldn't mind having a runner's body) maybe I'll just switch to painting water colors and put the cartoons behind me.

I am in transition. I don't know how long this will take but we just figured this out...of course I will write about it.

This midlife adjustment (I don't like the word "crisis") explains a lot of things about my behavior of late and perhaps why I am dealing with weight (high blood pressure) and why some pent up aggression is being directed towards the wrong people.

My midlife adjustment is part of a larger tsunami just taking shape in my life...I have a lot of stress and the elements that are contributing to it haven't been dealt with YET. The symptoms that are bubbling up to the surface in my life personally involve questions of self worth, (before Cancer I was sweating turning 40 because I wondered what I had actually done with my life at that point)...lots of plans in my life went off in other directions and I was grappling with failure (in my own mind)...then Cancer hit me right between the eyes and turning 40 became a goal.

So as 40 is about 2 weeks away I am cancer free (but not free of cancer) I have a lot of unresolved personal and emotional issues still haunting me because of it...now my life is different (better or worse) since cancer. The self worth questions resurfaced...the self doubt questions, past regrets, lack of vision for a sparkling future...at least not fairy tale, story book, happily ever after type of future.

I have not dealt with the fact I had to deal with my own mortality and how that should shape how I live the rest of my life...my second chance. I am questioning how my life has mattered, I've been restless, angry and frustrated about what I can't control and maybe where I have ended up.

Now more than ever uncertainty is all I have and I am not happy with it.

So as midlife changes are settling in, I am trying to adapt to the 40 year old me and my current baggage and bidding the 20 year old me full of dreams and piss and vinegar...young, dumb and full of cum a fond fare well.

I need to learn and master some stress management techniques. I need to take stock of my life and maybe put the cartoons behind me and pick a brush and tackle some new artistic territory.

As far as my weight/BP issues go...as of a half hour ago the Wii fit weighed me at 234 lbs. Leaving me just 2.5 pounds to hit my goal set about a month ago.

I am still taking my BP pill every night. (almost...I have forgotten sometimes)

I previously started another blog that was about turning my health around and dealing with frustrations... http://channelingfrustrations.blogspot.com but I have not added to it lately and I think it's ironic that I added links about depression there and stress management not seeing this STRESS issue in my life becoming such a huge problem...I need to read my own blog more often...I need to add to it as well.

Surviving Cancer. The New Normal (after cancer). Work. Family Issues. Health. Age. Poor Career Choices. Past Regrets. Hopes. Dreams. Aspirations (long gone)...And sleeping in the bed I made, is all coming at me full speed.

This is life at a Crossroads. How I choose to deal with what is going on right now will affect the rest of my life. I am standing at the intersection of my life...Past and Future.

It's gonna be interesting to see how this works itself out.

...on a side note, I read about the Canary Foundation in this months CURE magazine. http://www.canaryfoundation.org/
Canary Foundation is a non-profit dedicated to the goal of identifying cancer early through a simple blood test and then isolating it with imaging. Our collaborative research programs span multiple disciplines and institutions.

I am very much all about early detection and The Canary Foundation believes in finding the Cancer early and saving lives. The side bar article in CURE mentioned how they envision a future when a Cancer screening test will be as easy as an EPT. $15.00 buys you a take home kit and something in the technology reads proteins in your blood produced only by cancer cells. Just like that you could know like an early pregnancy test that you either have cancer or you don't.

They hope to have clinical tests in place by 2015 that would find tumors when they are no larger than 1 millimeter cubed. (about the size of a pea)

They are also working on finding a way to make tumors light up on an Ultrasound.

This stuff excites me.

Not talking about a cure...just better technology to deal with Cancer as a chronic disease.

Okay...that's it.
Be well.

-Scott.

"Ch-ch-changes, Just gonna have to be a different man, Time may change me, But I cant trace time" -David Bowie.

For those continuing to fight Cancer

2009-09-23T08:21:00.003-05:00

We are thinking about you and praying for you. You can do it...again!

Be Well.

Stuff on Arthritis...symptoms and such.

2009-09-22T16:36:00.003-05:00

Since I really don"t know what kind of Arthritis I have (but I clearly have something) be it a late term side effect of my exposure to chemo drugs (thanks Cancer) or age...(I'm just rounding 40...c'mon) I am suffering from some form of arthritis. I searched WebMD for some info and symptoms that fit...

Here is what I found...

Joint pain and progressive stiffness without noticeable swelling, chills, or fever during normal activities probably indicate the gradual onset symptoms of osteoarthritis.

Painful swelling, inflammation, and stiffness in the fingers, arms, legs, and wrists occurring in the same joints on both sides of the body, especially on awakening, may be signs of rheumatoid arthritis.

There are two major types of arthritis - osteoarthritis, which is the "wear and tear" arthritis, and rheumatoid arthritis, an inflammatory type of arthritis that happens when the body's immune system does not work properly.

Osteoarthritis is also called degenerative joint disease or degenerative arthritis. It affects about 33 million Americans and is the most common chronic joint condition.

Osteoarthritis results from overuse of joints. It can be the consequence of demanding sports, obesity, or aging. If you were an athlete or dancer in high school or college, you may be wondering why your knee or hip aches when you climb out of bed in the morning. Ask your doctor about osteoarthritis. It often strikes early in life with athletes or those who suffered an injury in young adulthood. Osteoarthritis in the hands is frequently inherited and often happens in middle-aged women.

Osteoarthritis is very common and can coexist with other types of arthritis such as rheumatoid or gout.

Rheumatoid arthritis is the most common type of inflammatory arthritis. More than 1.3 million Americans are affected. According to the American College of Rheumatology, about 75% of those affected are women. In fact, between 1% and 3% of women are likely to develop rheumatoid arthritis in their lifetime.

Rheumatoid arthritis is an autoimmune disease. That means that the immune system attacks parts of the body. For reasons that aren't clear, the joints are the main areas affected by this malfunction in the immune system. Over time, chronic inflammation can lead to severe joint damage and deformities. About one out of every five people who have rheumatoid arthritis develop lumps called rheumatoid nodules. These often develop over joint areas that receive pressure, such as over knuckles, elbows, or heels.

Symptoms of rheumatoid arthritis can come on gradually or start suddenly. Unlike osteoarthritis, symptoms of rheumatoid arthritis are often more severe, causing pain, fatigue, loss of appetite, stiffness, and even fever.

With rheumatoid arthritis, you may feel pain and stiffness and experience swelling in your hands, wrists, elbows, shoulders, knees, ankles, feet, jaw, and neck. Sometimes the pain occurs in one body part. But more commonly, rheumatoid arthritis pain occurs in combinations such as in the hands, knees, and feet.

With rheumatoid arthritis, the joints tend to be involved in a symmetrical pattern. That is, if the knuckles on the left hand are inflamed, the knuckles on the right hand will also be inflamed. After a period of time, more of your joints may gradually become involved with pain and swelling and may feel warm to the touch. The joint swelling is persistent and interferes with activities. For example, it can interfere with opening a jar, driving, working, and walking -- the very activities that allow us to function in our daily lives.

The stiffness on arising in the morning, which may have started as a temporary nuisance, can soon last for hours or even most of the day. Fatigue can be debilitating. Inflammation can cause reduced appetite and weight loss. Fever, rash, and even involvement of the heart or lungs can occur with rheumatoid arthritis. These feelings and symptoms -- other than joint pain and the inflammation in other organs -- happen when the damage done by the immune system spills over from the joints to other areas of the body. The exact causes of rashes and heart and lung involvement are not known.

With rheumatoid arthritis, some of your body's cells recognize a protein as a foreign intruder. The exact protein involved in rheumatoid arthritis has not yet been discovered. Some experts believe the immune system becomes "confused" after infection with a bacteria or virus and begins attacking the normal joint tissues. Certain immune cells called lymphocytes are stimulated to react to this protein. The reaction causes the release of cytokines, which are chemical messengers that trigger more inflammation and destruction. This battle between the body's chemicals occurs mainly in the joints, but it can spill over to other areas of the body.

There are many cytokines, but the most important in terms of causing inflammation are tumor necrosis factor (TNF) and interleukin-1. These are thought to trigger other parts of the immune system in rheumatoid arthritis. Medicines that block TNF and interleukin-1 can improve the symptoms and prevent joint damage in rheumatoid arthritis.

I seem to fall in between Osteoarthritis and Rheumatoid arthritis. My symptoms are not a neat little fit into either category. Eventually a real diagnosis will have to be made. I can only pop so much Tylenol. (Which doesn't work very well...never has)

My Oncology nurses told me after my last infusion that "osteoarthritis can come on sooner" after chemo. Just like Joann (the onc nurse who warned me "you might taste this" before my first infusion...and she was right) these nurses know their stuff. While my Dr's won't admit I could be experiencing late term side effects...my nurses said otherwise and they more or less, warned me.

I think they are right.

I wouldn't doubt the ABVD regimen is partly responsible for the arthritis pain I have now. There were pages of side effects with each one of those drugs. The worst of them was Adriamycin. I have read that it (this drug) can re-write your DNA. So anything is possible.

So of course the more information I can obtain about what is making me hurt is only going to help me understand how to fight it...so I will continue to research and read about the pain I am having. Eventually I will have to start dealing with pain on a whole new level.

I am willing to say this is collateral damage from having Cancer. It's fallout from the Chemo. The nurses said it was coming...so this is part of me now.

The game keeps changing. It is indeed always something...

Be Well.
-Scott

Random Doodles

2009-09-22T10:39:00.003-05:00

Restarted a cartoon blog. "Random Doodles" is what I am calling right now.

You can find the link on the side bar or right here: http://scottscartoonblog.blogspot.com

When I was a kid I wanted to be a professional cartoonist with a syndicated strip in the Newspapers...ala Charles Schulz. I set a goal for myself in the 8th grade to accomplish this by my 30th birthday.

Well, as we all know life does what it will and in a few weeks I will mark my 40th birthday and I am so far removed from making any kind of a career out of cartooning...but the creative urge is still there. Rather than stifle it I decided to let it flourish on its own. It's something I have always done, since I could hold a pencil.

So as I cartoon or doodle from time to time I will post it out there...just for Sh*ts and Giggles.

Be Well

Arthritis...

2009-09-20T12:14:00.005-05:00

After posting yesterday about "tension" in my hand and it possibly being arthritis, my body ended up telling me it was arthritis by the way everything started to hurt by days end.

My right hand is still the worst and my spine hurts something awful. We stopped to buy Tylenol Arthritis and that seems to help a little bit.

Went searching for "Arthritis pain" on the web and found this...

The most common symptom of osteoarthritis in any joint is pain that worsens during activity and gets better during rest. As the disease advances, the pain may occur even when the joint is at rest.

Pain is generally described as aching, stiffness, and loss of mobility.

The pain may behave like a roller coaster, with bad spells followed by periods of relative relief.

Pain seems to increase in humid weather. (not in my case, not this time)

Some people experience muscle spasm and contractions in the tendons.

What made me feel a little better was the last line...Muscle spasm and contractions in the tendons. Since that is where most of my discomfort is, in my hands the last few days and my fingers reacting (twitching) on their own from time to time made me a little nervous.

So...this is just a flare up again. They are infrequent but seems yesterday's drop in temperature triggered it the most. I will have to monitor it from here and see how this winter shapes up.

It's always something.

Be Well.
Scotty

Life Style update...

2009-09-19T09:22:00.005-05:00

According to the Wii fit (this morning) I am clocking in at 237.2 lbs. (this should be have me at 10 lbs lighter than when I was in for my physical about a month ago)

Leaving me 6 pounds to lose in order to hit my goal set on the Wii.

I am aiming to lose 15 lbs by my birthday before I plan on going back to my PCP and review new blood work and my need to continue taking my BP medication in November.

So far I am very much on track. I feel better, I have noticed an increase in energy and I believe I am sleeping better. It also helps that we are going to bed earlier each night and that we DO NOT have a TV in the bedroom. (a rule my wife established before we got married)

:)

One new development (health wise) and it may be a combination of things like stress, I have noticed a return of an issue I had well before Cancer. The problem used to be in two fingers on my left hand. I would feel an unusual amount of tension in my index finger and my thumb on my left hand before those two fingers would twitch. (I looked it up and read about all sorts of neurological issues)

It would come and go, on and off for months at a time. Then it just stopped. A few years later I got Cancer. Here I am now a few more years out and this issue has resurfaced in my right hand.

Recently I have noticed the tension in my entire hand affecting every finger. Occasionally my middle finger would twitch. A few days ago my ring finger on the same hand joined in. Right now as I am typing this I can feel the tension in my hand, which I would not describe as Pain at all.

Feels like all the tendons are pulled tight like a rubber band waiting to snap.

I am aware that this could be arthritis, perhaps.

Something stress related, perhaps.

Something else altogether...perhaps. I understand pain and arthritis going together. Not independent movement.

I will probably wait until I'm due to see my PCP that I mention this. I have a feeling much like when I discovered the lump in my neck that this may involve other specialists. I am not looking forward to that, if this ends up being the case.

But I press on.

Be Well
Scott

Turning 40 in 27 days.

The Infinite Abyss

2009-09-11T20:47:00.001-05:00

"Garden State" Clip that was mentioned in previous post.

Screaming into the Infinite Abyss

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CGeXEzt9DLg

Be Well.
Scott

Mess Of Me (new Single)

2009-09-11T20:45:00.000-05:00

Love this song...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y9lg7Utdnyk

...Life hands you little moments

2009-09-09T08:31:00.007-05:00

I am at strange place in my life right now... 2 years post treatment, approaching my 3rd "cancerversary" in December. Both kids in school now. A 4th grader and a brand new Kindergartener...where has the time gone?

I am looking at turning 40 in about 6 weeks and it's bitter sweet because in 2006 when I learned about the extent of my cancer(s) I wondered if I'd even see the big FOUR OH!...and God willing it's straight ahead.

I have had to deal with cancer in other corners of my family and in the process found things just as frustrating as usual with family. I learned after nearly 40 years I have been a Black Sheep in a family of Lemmings. I never followed the leader, I always went against the grain (as my wife puts it)...I have always asked questions and ran my mouth.

I have mourned the lonely elephants in the room my parents ignored.

I believe I was one of those elephants...that's why no one heard me.

I feel like I have been screaming into the abyss forever...no one hears me or has ever heard me...It always seemed that I was the one causing trouble.

And then I am finally labeled an "Inconsiderate Scumbag" for thinking about my wife and kids and the well being of their lives and mental health in spite of other health issues working their way into my extended family...I have had my fight with Cancer, we have dealt with it already.

So I stood up and walked away. Silence speaks the loudest voice and I won't go back...back to how it was.

I Can't.

If you have not seen the movie "Garden State" please rent it. The photo above is from the film and it is exactly what needs to be done if not done enough and what I feel like I have been doing all these years...

Life keeps handing me these little moments when everything seems in tune and for a few moments everything seems to make sense.

I am learning how to breathe again. I feel I am actually moving past my Cancer and getting on with life. (maybe hitting 40 has something to do with that)...I'm turning a page, ending one chapter to finally start another one.

I can't afford to look back.

I've come too far...

Obligation of the Cured.

2009-09-08T11:17:00.002-05:00

http://www.ustream.tv/recorded/2039837/highlight/17132

Video of Lance Armstrong speaking about sharing ones experience with Cancer for the benefit of others at the Livestrong Global Cancer Summit.

Obviously I have shared my story in this blog and now in the manuscript that is my book (still in the early stages of being re-written)...

We all have a choice...

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1269823546&ref=name#/livestrong?ref=nf Here is the Facebook link to Livestrong.

How to share your story in 60 seconds or less...http://www.ustream.tv/recorded/2050205/highlight/17136

Early Detection Saves Lives!

Be Well.
-Scott

The way we eat these days...

2009-09-06T09:59:00.002-05:00

In needing to lower blood pressure and manage cholesterol I took notice of the way we have been eating since my chemo treatments ended and I've noticed where we as a family are eating even better since then.

For a long time now we've been using http://www.bobsredmill.com/ Bob's Red Mill products. Usually we mostly only used his buttermilk pancake mix. We have collectively been buying better cold cereals like http://www.momsbestnaturals.com/ Mom's best.

Although those products only cover breakfast we have made improvements for other meals as well, my wife has been making REAL mashed potatoes and her own spaghetti sauce on and off for years. We've added more salads and in those salads we've added more spinach. We've added more fish and try to avoid red meat as much as possible. My daughter wants to make her own salad dressing. (will be looking for that recipe soon)...we also only use Real Maple Syrup.

We have cut out soda and I switched to drinking seltzer when I want soda, but I have also been drinking more water. Recently my wife has started using the slow cooker and has made her own home made stew and chili. She has started adding Flax Seed to everything.

We have also switched from white rice and white flour to brown rice and wheat flour, we've also added more raw vegetables and fruit on a near daily basis.

Now we are looking for recipes for making our own bread. She has also tweaked a recipe for home made granola bars using only rolled oats, honey, butter and chocolate chips. She has been making these granola bars for at least a year now.

The cause for most of these changes partly evolved from wanting to avoid HFCS (high fructose corn syrup) which is in EVERYTHING!!! and now with my BP and cholesterol issues in the spot light we have adapted to small changes that will improve all of our health. (the kids haven't even noticed the subtle food changes which is great)

We expect to use more of Bob's Red Mill products for other meals where ever possible.

** On another side note...just weighed myself on the Wii fit board and discovered I have lost 6 lbs since I saw my PCP for my physical just 2 weeks ago.

According to the Wii I weighed 256.6 on May 11th... today I weigh 240.7

Dr K wants me in the 230's when I go back in November, and today I set a goal for 10 lbs by my birthday (10/16) ...I plan on getting below 230 by then.

At this rate that shouldn't be a problem.

"Let your food be your medicine and your medicine be your food" -Hippocrates

"Eat to live, don't live to eat" -Anonymous

Be Well
Scott

Why everything sucks!

2009-09-05T10:53:00.001-05:00

http://link.brightcove.com/services/player/bcpid6555681001?bctid=31237963001

A rather funny rant by Craig Ferguson about Youth.

Be Well.
-S.

Lets Get Physical...

2009-08-25T11:52:00.002-05:00

Ok, finally had my physical. It wasn't all bad. Mostly weight related concerns. Bad cholesterol is elevated, while my good cholesterol is a little low. blood pressure is also too high so she (Dr.K) put me on a blood pressure medication for the next 3 months in which time I need to also accomplish the following...

1. lose 15 lbs.
2. have blood work done again
3. still be on BP meds when I have blood work done and see her again for a follow up. (in November)

I am also just outside of being diabetic, I am only outside of this range because my weight has come done some since last October when blood was last drawn for the same purpose.

I was given food guidelines to follow to help drop the weight, exercise is encouraged of course and I joked about using the Wii Fit with my kids to get there.

The APPROVED list of foods I can eat is as follows:
Lean cuts of meat with fat trimmed, chicken and turkey w/o skin

Skim milk, 1% milk, low fat yogurt, cheeses with no more than 3 grams of fat per ounce

Egg whites or substitutes

Corn oil, olive oil, canola oil, soybean and sunflower oils

Most breads, water bagels, english muffins, rice cakes, low fat crackers, hot and cold cereals, any grain rice, dried peas, plain baked potato

Fresh, frozen or dried fruits, canned fruits (watching sodium content)

Italian ice, low fat frozen yogurt, popsicles, angel food cake, fig bars, gingersnaps, jelly beans,
hard candy, plain popcorn, pretzels, tea, coffee

The list of foods to AVOID reads as follows:
"Prime" grade fatty cuts of meat, goose, duck, liver, kidneys, sausage, bacon, regular lunch meats, hot dogs.

Whole milk, cream, half and half, whipped cream, custard style yogurt, whole milk ricotta, hard cheeses, (like swiss, american, cheddar) cream cheese, sour cream

Saturated fat, butter, lard, bacon fat, coconut, palm oils

Croissants, sweet rolls, danish, doughnuts, granola-type cereals, egg noodles, pasta, and rice prepared with cream, butter or cheese sauces...sadly scalloped potatoes.

Vegetables prepared in butter or cream sauces

Ice cream, candy, chocolate, potato chips, buttered popcorn, milk shakes, eggnog, store bought pies, store bought frosted cakes and pound cakes.

I have to limit alcohol intake to 2 servings a day. Since I usually only drink beer I am limited to 5 oz a day per serving...no big deal since I don't drink it that much.

The plan is once I go back in November and have lost the 15lbs (and kept it off) she will look to see that my BP is at more normal levels and hopefully take me off the meds. Until then however, I am popping this pill once a day, everyday until I see Dr.K again.

She discussed my focusing on the bigger picture regarding my health, the cancer is obviously gone and I need to tune up the rest of me...starting with the weight loss to keep heart disease and diabetes away. Not only that but weight contributes to cancer as well and we don't want to go back down that road ever again.

So...that's it for now. So far so good. Overall check up and outlook is a relatively healthy one. I need to tweak a few things (obviously) but I don't see this as a problem.

Be Well.
-Scott

Lemon sized tumor...(and last post for a while)

2009-08-04T20:25:00.004-05:00

You might find this interesting....(maybe not)

This Lemon is roughly the size of the tumor that was on my Kidney. It measured 7.5 cm by 5.5 cm or approximately 3.5 inches. This lemon is the closest thing I can square it up to.

That sucker is BIG!

The next time you walk past the lemons in the produce isle at your local grocery store pick one up. And try not to think about my former tumor...

**** **** **** **** **** **** ****
As a side note...and this has nothing to do with the above, but I will be taking some time off posting here to work on re-writing my book. I have some serious editing to do and I need to find my true north.

Part of me is already getting itchy to start writing something else not related to cancer, as I sort of promised myself once I got my story down once and for all I would begin writing "other things" ...subconsciously I can feel that urge starting to nag at me.

I have wanted to write 2-3 page short stories for the hell of it and maybe in between early morning re-writes I will keep the juices flowing with that idea. I may actually dabble in some bad fiction...I can't wait.

I will drop a post here from time to time as I'm sure something will need to be written along the way. Please check in and drop me a comment so I know you are still out there.

Be Well.

-Scott

"it is written..."

2009-07-29T22:10:00.002-05:00

My manuscript. I'd like to say this is my "first" book, hopefully I will want to write another one someday if I survive the re-write process. Only time will tell.

I feel like a proud father..."I birthed that thing." I created it. That is my new headache. Here's to working on the second draft.

-Scott

and the hits just keep coming...

2009-07-29T21:23:00.002-05:00

In the last few days this week I have learned about two family members newly diagnosed with cancer. My mother-in-law has had her 4th recurrence and an uncle was recently diagnosed with Prostate cancer.

It just doesn't go away.

My immediate reaction to my mother-in-law's recurrence was to be pissed off that nothing works, no one is getting away clean and it wont go away. I felt helpless and angry and had that gut wrenching pain that reminds me that "remission is not a cure" There are no guarantees.

But after a day of pretending cancer doesn't exist I caught a "Sports Center" broadcast that featured short films or spots about people and their cancer in-between commercial breaks. The spots were from "Livestrong" and I found more of them on-line.

I posted a link to one "Short" on this blog. Certainly I found them inspiring and motivating and
I decided I can't let cancer beat me now...I kicked it's ass (with some chemical assistance) how can I just give up now?

The next day or so later I sat down and found my collective written word count that showed me all the writing I have been doing up til now has amounted to a "book" and that I need to stream line into something people might want to read.

I plan on reaching out to my former Urologist who diagnosed my Kidney cancer and performed my nephrectomy. I hope to consult both my Oncologists along the way and add my wife's version of events into the story. And with a little help from some friends of friends maybe find a sympathetic eye who knows someone who might show some interest in publishing it.

If not...so be it. But I have gotten this far might as well go all the way.

I can't afford to give up now. Even with the news of recent diagnosis and how much it pisses me off...I have to stay in the fight and promote awareness and early detection and get this book, my story...our story out there.

It might help someone recently diagnosed like Lance Armstrong's book kind of helped me.

Finding like voices in like situations lessens the isolation. Finding commonality breeds community and builds hope.

I need to get our story out there because someone out there some where will find it just when they need it and know they are not alone. That is important to me. I didn't go thru this to build character. I went thru this and have been writing about it for someone else.

Just haven't met them yet.

In the meantime...Cancer still SUCKS!

Be Well.

72 ways to be a better writer

2009-07-28T08:58:00.001-05:00

Doing these things can help you become a better writer:
1. Become a blogger.
2. Use self-imposed word limits.
3. Accept all forms of criticism and learn to grow from it.
4. Read what you’ve written over and over, until you can’t find any more problems.
5. Show what you write to a trusted friend for feedback.
6. Outline. And then write to that outline.
7. Edit, and edit again.
8. Live with passion.
9. Be open, curious, present, and engaged.
10. Take a break between writing and editing.
11. Learn a new word a day.
12. Get the pen and fingers moving.
13. Write in different genres: blog posts, poems, short stories, essays.
14. Read grammar books.
15. Write without distractions.
16. Challenge yourself: write in a crowded cafe, write on the toilet, write for 24 hours straight.
17. Take a trip. Road trips, beach trips, bus trips, plane trips.
18. Watch movies. Can you write the story better?
19. Write. And then write some more.
20. Read, think, read, write, ponder, write - and read some more.
21. Read your stuff aloud to anyone who can stand it - including the cat.
22. Go back and cut 10% from your word count.
23. Talk to people.
24. Listen to how people talk.
25. Read lots of books. Both good and bad.
26. Make notes of your (fleeting) brilliant ideas.
27. Start your writing ahead of time - not hours before a deadline.
28. Listen to podcasts on writing tips.
29. Use simple, declarative sentences.
30. Avoid passive voice.
31. Limit your use of adjectives and adverbs.
32. When in doubt, cut it out.
33. Kill clunky sentences.
34. Be inspired by other art forms - music, dance, sculpture, painting.
35. Read your old stuff and acknowledge how far you’ve come - and how far you have to go.
36. Write for publication, even if it’s only for the local newsletter or a small blog.
37. Make writing your priority in the morning.
38. Keep squeezing words out even if you feel uninspired.
39. Tell everyone: “I’m a writer.”
40. Recognize your fear and overcome it.
41. Let your articles rest and then return to them with fresh eyes.
42. Comment on your favorite blogs.
43. Keep a journal to keep the writing juices flowing.
44. Use a journal to sort out your thoughts and feelings.
45. Keep it simple.
46. Practice monotasking. Set a timer for uninterrupted writing.
47. Watch people.
48. Get to know someone different from you and reflect on the experience.
49. Try new ideas or hobbies - the more variety you have in your life, the more likely you are to keep on generating good ideas on the page.
50. Read works from different cultures. It helps keep your writing from tasting stale in the mouths of your readers.
51. Rethink what is ‘normal’.
52. Work on brilliant headlines.
53. Check if your assumptions are right.
54. Join a writing group. If you can’t find one, form one.
55. Write during your most productive hours of the day.
56. Designate time to research.
57. Take time to muse and mindmap.
58. Map out a writing schedule for your project and stick to it.
59. Ask someone else to proofread.
60. Read Zinsser’s “On Writing Well” at least once a year.
61. Break out of your comfort zone.
62. Write at the scene. If you want to write about a beach, get a picnic rug and go write by the sea.
63. Go to the supermarket, the ball game, the class room, the building site. Make notes of the sensuous details, the atmosphere, the people.
64. Start with metaphors and stories.
65. Approach writing with gratitude, not just with a ‘must do this’ attitude.
66. Deconstruct and analyze books and articles you enjoy.
67. Know about story architecture. Many writers don’t. Which is like doing heart surgery or flying an airliner by intuition. Survival rates are low.
68. Socialize with other writers.
69. Stretch or exercise in between writing.
70. Make a note of ideas for further development before you leave a piece for tomorrow.
71.Use mindmaps for inspiration.
72. Take risks - don’t be afraid to shock. You are not who you think you are.

borrowed from: http://www.copyblogger.com/better-writer/

Be Well.

Official Written Word Count

2009-07-27T20:28:00.004-05:00

Since I started blogging and writing off-line about my cancer I have finally arrived at an official written word count that may constitute a "First Draft"...

My word count as of 5 minutes ago is: 105, 308 words and a total of 313 pages.

Including every blog post since December 6, 2006 until this past June 2009 and a few other things I've written since my cancer diagnosis. One other piece I wrote with my kids in mind runs 50 pages and 25k words. It's all in there.

Next step, printing this monster out and starting to edit and re-write it.

Lets hope it doesn't take two years to re-write it.

I'll let you know.

-Be Well.

Scott

You need to watch this video...

2009-07-26T10:59:00.002-05:00

http://www.facebook.com/ext/share.php?sid=111879311115&h=YqPR7&u=mjtoC&ref=nf

You really need to watch this guy's 4 minute video about his cancer.

...Be Well

Bone Pain Returns

2009-07-23T09:29:00.006-05:00

Seems the arthritic changes in my bones my PCP found on my last x-ray can and will flare up when ever the hell it wants to. Moderate to annoying but not terribly severe lower back and shoulder pain flared up two days ago. From out of nowhere.

Still feeling it a little bit today. It's funny how it starts in one spot and travels everywhere in my body like it's looking for a way out. Shoulders were especially bad this time and the exact same spot on my left hip I previously complained about to Dr K. started soon after. My wife could see how uncomfortable I was in a very short amount of time.

By the next day nearly every finger and toe hurt at some point, bones in my feet and hands and the symphony of snaps, crackles and pops i could hear and feel from my neck to my wrists, elbows and shoulders would make a certain box of cereal jealous.

I haven't taken anything for the pain and it hasn't completely gone away yet but I have had two flare ups in about two weeks time. I suppose this is just something new to get used to.

I need to start marking the calendar.

...

Went to Sandy Hook last Saturday and remembered how a year ago last summer we were down there with friends of ours and Steve took us to the Navesink Light House. I had never seen it before. I snapped a photo of the Hook from the light house tower we climbed into.

We had a great time that day. We stayed on the bay side and wasted the day away playing with the kids, looking for shells and tiny fish and dodging the tide.

In January of this year Steve died of a sudden heart attack at age 39. Steve and I were becoming very good friends as our families hung out together. His youngest and my oldest are class mates. His death hit me like a ton of bricks.

On our way out of Sandy Hook this past Saturday we hit some construction traffic and were caught in the shadow of the Navasink Light house and the sunset. We snapped some more photos of the light house and the shore line and setting sun and it struck me all over again how much I miss Steve.

Sandy Hook, the twin light houses of Navesink and the bay side of the hook will always remind me of him and the days we spent getting to know each other as our families spent the better part of last year together.

It was very strange seeing the light house again. If not for Steve it never would have registered and it would mean nothing to me.

A few months after our day at Navesink last year I discovered a Jersey based band called The Gas Light Anthem and they have a song called "The Navesink Banks"

The lyrics don't apply to anything other than it references the "light on the navesink banks" and it will always be associated to that day and that place because of Steve. (and because I like this band)

"all hope abandon, ye who enter here"

said the sign i read that was hanging above her bed

and the sirens over wailing

but a man cant ignore the signs

you gotta keep a good eye

on the winding road ahead

and my first sin was a young american girl

and i spent time 'neath the tressels

with the punks and the dimestore saints

kept faith and a switchblade tucked beneath my coat

and i ran with dirty angels

slept out in the rain

we were scared and tired and barely 17

and my first sin was the fear that made me old

and i walked down by the shipyards

near the place where i was born

saying "ah maria, if you woulda known me when..."

but she just smiles by the light on the navesink banks

saying "listen baby i know you now"

and she steps into the river

and i just stand by the moon

thinkin' 'bout a ghost i hear at night

and she says your first sin was a lie you told yourself

Here is a you tube video of a live performance...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mu7M7eGsVII&feature=related

I can not wait until I can catch these guys live someday.

Be Well.

-Scott.