Insanity now, serenity later

Being Jewish

2009-07-14T11:59:00.001-04:00

From email from Harry's Black Hole:

Being Jewish.
===========
Q: What is a Jewish menage-a-trois
A: Two headaches and an erection.

Q: Why did Adam and Eve have a perfect marriage?
A: He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.

Q: How does a Jewish wife cheat on her husband?
A: She has a headache with the postman.

Q: What business is a yenta in?
A: Yours.

Q: What is a Jewish nymphomaniac?
A: A wife who does her hair and sleeps with her husband on the same day.

Q: How do Jewish wives get their children ready for supper?
A: They put them in the car.

Q: What is the technical term for a divorced Jewish woman?
A: Plaintiff.

Q: What does a Jewish woman do to keep her hands soft and her nails long?
A: Nothing at all.

Q: Define 'genius'
A: An average student with a Jewish mother.

Q: If Tarzan and Jane were Jewish, what would Cheetah be?
A: A fur coat.

Q: What do you call someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
A: A meshuggener.

Q: What do you call the nipple on a Jewish wife's breast?
A: The tip of the iceberg.

Q: What mechanical device causes the most arousal in a Jewish woman?
A: A Mercedes Benz 500SL convertible.

Jewish proverb: 'A Jewish wife will forgive and forget, but she'll never forget what she forgave.'

MySQL - ON DUPLICATE KEY

2009-07-12T14:04:00.004-04:00

I was adding bridal registry functionality to CartWeaver 3 and was wondering if MySQL, the site is running on ColdFusion with MySQL, has something similar to T-SQL's MERGE. Not only does it have, but the code looks a lot more elegant. One thing to remember though, is that you must set cart/registry user id + sku/product id as UNIQUE.

Here's how this works. You do your regular insert and at the end add a ON DUPLICATE KEY:

INSERT INTO tbl_registryproducts(reguserid, skuid, qty)
VALUES(#session.reguserid#,#form.skuid#,#form.qty#)
ON DUPLICATE KEY UPDATE qty = qty + #form.qty#

That's it. One line and you're done. And yes, I know I should be using cfqueryparam, but that would make this example a lot longer and a lot less readable.

Ban #23940 - Biblical names

2009-07-09T09:36:00.003-04:00

It is assur to give your children names from Torah because goyim do it too. You should only give your children Yiddish names, otherwise they'll go off the derech and intermarry with goyim with biblical names whom they will find on FaceBook.

Nachas Nachos™

2009-07-02T11:57:00.000-04:00

Have you ever wished for some nachos when people wished you nachas from your kids?
Now, you can have both!

Introducing the new printable Nachas Nachos™.
For the low price $499.99, your children's school can purchase the amazing Nachas Nachos™ printer that will allow them to print your children's report cards on these delicious Nachas Nachos™!

Now you can have your nachas and eat them too!

Who's killing movie theaters?

2009-06-29T01:09:00.002-04:00

I've been thinking of writing this for over a year. Our excursion to see Night at the Museum 2 was the straw that broke the camel's back.

A year ago, I read an article about Hollywood bitching and moaning about how piracy is destroying movie theaters and how because of piracy and internet people are not going to the movies anymore. While this was laughable then, now, it's absolutely hilarious.

Two weeks ago when we went to see night at the museum, we were charged a very "reasonable" price of $12.50 per ticket. For two people, that's $25. If you don't have a car, add another $8 for transportation which, starting this Sunday, is now $9. If you want popcorn, add at least $4.50. Your trip to the movies is now costing you at least $38.50.

Now, if you go to see the movie in it's first week, you'll see it on a nice big screen. If you go to see it in its third week, the screen is now half the size while the ticket price is surprisingly same.

What do you get for your $38.50? Well, the current movies are made up of mostly sequels, remakes and cliches, in most cases, bad ones. So, after spending time and money and you don't even enjoy the experience.

What is really killing movie theaters? The ever rising ticket prices which are not even scaled to the size of the screen. The 1000%+ markup for food. The lack of talented writers, enough with the remakes already! Not to mention the current trend of replacing plot, story and acting with special effects.

Going to a movie is now costing the price of one, if not two, brand new DVDs. Now, considering how cheap and convenient Netflix is, instead of buying the DVDs, you can save up the money for a big screen TV or even a projector. And don't forget, the bonus of watching movies at home is the pause button for bathroom breaks and the only people screaming at the screen are your idiot friends.

How much are you paying for movies? Two people, driving to the theater and not buying any food, once in two weeks, are spending $650 per year. Add public transportation, and/or food, and/or more frequent visits and you're looking at over $1,000 year. Cost of an HD projector? 720p start at around $600, plus a $100 for a good screen. 42" LCD, 720p, about same price.

Huggies, 92 to 192, for $30.50

2009-06-22T11:13:00.005-04:00

Click on the link to the right. Select "Subscribe & Save" to get a 15% discount that brings your price down to $31.44. Use Amazon credit card to get another 3% back, which brings you to $30.50. The diapers are shipped from Pennsylvania and Kentucky and if you're in New York, you can get your diapers, shipped free, next day after the order is placed.

Depending on size, you get from 92 to 192 diapers per case for $30.50.

Trust issues?

2009-06-21T01:03:00.000-04:00

Had an argument with someone about trusting your spouse with talking on facebook with someone of opposite sex. Vote, comment.

American Fusion

2009-06-18T01:16:00.005-04:00

Just saw American Fusion. If you liked My Big Fat Greek Wedding, you're gonna love this. While My Big Fat Greek Wedding was funny and entertaining, American Fusion is outright hilarious.

American Fusion is about Yvonne, a middle aged, divorced Chinese woman who works for a newspaper, meeting Jose, a Mexican dentist. The movie revolves around Yvonne's crazy family. The mean and racist mother. The wannabe gangsta son. The nephew with an interesting job. The ex-con, born again, brother and his wife who are trying to have a baby. The obsessive and controlling sister.

One of the most entertaining scenes is when Yvonne meets Jose's family. While the families are very similar in their situations, the way they interact within and outside is completely different.

This movie has everything, romance, humor, irony and even poetic justice. What this movie also has is Pat Morita in a very comedic, though short, role.

One of the aspects of this movie that I particularly enjoyed is how it's different from the average American romantic comedy. Nowadays, almost every romantic comedy is about late 20s, early 30s, getting together. American Fusion takes two middle aged people, one of whom is divorced and with a kid, and makes it work. Yes, you can have a very funny romantic comedy without resorting to several layers of makeup and supermodels.

Tommy heavenly6 - Lollipop Candy BAD girl

2009-06-15T15:33:00.003-04:00

Been hearing this song on kawaii radio for a while and finally decided to check it out on youtube. I prefer the glasses version, cuter.

Analytics Keywords

2009-06-07T14:47:00.002-04:00

What is porn - If you have to ask...

Frum bochur porn - One of those rabbis? An "aidel maidel"? What about kollel guy porn? No takers?

Free porn dirt mta - MTA is giving out porn? Maybe they should charge for it instead and lower the fairs. (6 searches for this!!!)

Five things usps ups minyan - What? No, seriously, what?

Is usps faster than economy? - That would be a no. USPS is not even faster than a tortoise, forget about the economy.

Jewish frames digitalised free - Are you asking about getting pictures digitized? Digital frames? You want them free too? Are Jewish frames harder to digitise than non-Jewish frames?

CafePress - Jury Duty

2009-06-04T20:22:00.003-04:00

Jury duty, a great way for the government to save money. The only people who like it are those who are unemployed or retired.

Are you getting a jury of your peers? Nope, you're getting people who couldn't find a good excuse and are now pissed at you and the system.

Jury duty is unfair to both the jurors and to the defendant.

Show your disdain for the system with these buttons, t-shirts, tote bags, and now, water bottles.

Check out my other designs:

No English

The Patterson Diet

Al Gore and Alternative Energy

JBlogger

Ookami Kanji with pawprint

Neko Kanji with pawprint

Cafe Press - No English

2009-06-03T01:44:00.003-04:00

Ever had a yenta annoy you in checkout line, on the bus, train, or anywhere else? You make every attempt to shop these people you don't care about their medical condition or their pet's medical condition or their opinion on what you or someone else is buying or wearing, etc. ad nauseum?

I doubt it will help with the hardcore yenta, but, you never know until you try.

Buy this shirt and find out.

Check out my other designs:

The Patterson Diet

Al Gore and Alternative Energy

JBlogger

Ookami Kanji with pawprint

Neko Kanji with pawprint

Aneela and Arash - Chori Chori

2009-06-02T15:06:00.002-04:00

We were watching The Sex Guru Sunday. Yes we liked. No I don't care what you think.

Anyway, the end reminded me of Benny Lava, which in turn reminded me of Chori Chori.

The link is better quality but embedding was turned off so if you're not too lazy, watch it on youtube.

If you think you're hearing Informer, you're right. I like this version better though.

Shavuot

2009-05-31T11:48:00.000-04:00

First, here's the menu:
Hot chocolate, milk soup, tilapia in cheddar, mac n' cheese, greek salad, cheese blintzes, ravioli, cheese cake and ice cream.

Cheeses eaten with white wine:
Blue, brie, le marcaire, smoked cheddar, and cranberry with port wine cheese.

Several years ago, I bought a few good cheese for Shavuot and ate them with wine with my friend. After all the wine and cheese, we were wasted like never before. We barely crawled to shul and drinking a cup of coffee where one third of the cup was coffee and the rest water didn't help.

Having the above incident in mind, I warned my friends, different ones, who came over not to eat too much of the weird cheeses. Well, the cheeses tasted too good and my warning went unheeded. After coming to shul, I offered my friend who ate by me some x-mas tea, mint with white tea, but he shrugged it off.

For the afternoon meal, we went to the above mentioned friends. Turns out that the dude felt so nasty afterwards that he thought he may need to go to the hospital. At the meal, he refused to eat anything dairy and claimed to swear off cheese until at least next Shavuot. I, of course, being the good friend that I am, made sure to make fun of him throughout the meal.

Let this be a warning to everyone else. If you don't usually eat aged or imported fine cheeses, don't spend Shavuot night stuffing yourself with assorted cheese and milk products. You will feel like crap and you will wish to have never laid eyes on said cheese in the first place.

This has been a public service announcement.

Presenting NY's present.

2009-05-19T15:40:00.000-04:00

NY smells stinky.
Go to change him.
Diaper only wet.
Turn to get new diaper.
Turn back with new diaper.
Present on the onesie.
$#^$!!!
NY happy about present, me, not so much.

MTA SPAM, Part 2

2009-05-19T00:41:00.002-04:00

On March 23rd, I wrote about mta_nyc account on twitter tweeting spam together with the regular service announcements. Recently, I got a reply from MTA that that account is not official and MTA is not responsible for the SPAM.

I don't remember if I checked MTA's info site or not, this is not what this post is about. I emailed MTA about their website possibly being hacked on March 23rd, the reply came, brace yourselves for this one, on May 14th. It took MTA over a month and half to respond! Not only that, but the url for the official site listed in the response was misspelled!

This is what happens when you have a monopoly. A month and a half waiting time for email inquiries, buses and trains being late up to and over half an hour, half the subway being out of order on the weekends, AC not working in the summer, one technician installing a sign while four others stand around doing nothing, dirt, stink, filth, and always rising prices.

How bad are MTA buses? Both times wife gave birth, I would start walking from Maimo and meet the bus two to five blocks later. When working in Brooklyn Navy Yard, I would start walking from Prospect Park and meet the bus halfway, two thirds of the way, two blocks from work, or not at all. Sinai Academy, Bay Parkway and 79th bus stop, sometimes would meet the bus halfway, sometimes not. Three or four buses coming at the same time. Bus driver trainees driving buses full of people. The moron almost hit a car because he doesn't know how to make a turn! 95% of the subway not being wheelchair/stroller accessible. What's the point of that 5%?

Yes, there are new buses and new trains, but the quality of service always stays the same. The only thing MTA guarantees is an increase in price.

New Square 2009

2009-05-10T21:22:00.000-04:00

Finally, after a four year hiatus, our shul went for a shabbaton to New Square. While it was fun, it wasn't quite as enjoyable as the previous times.

We got lucky with the eating arrangements. Both last time and this time, we ended up eating by an OTD family. They had meat. Most people in New Square eat only chicken and only with a New Square hashgocha. There are, however, a few "rebels" who have meat. Some, even have whisky. We also got lucky, unlike some of the other people on the shabbaton, to have a host who both, speaks English and who doesn't have men and women sitting at separate tables.

We slept and ate by separate families but both houses were near each other and also within two minutes from shul. Finished dinner at my usual 1AM, went to the tisch, though didn't stay till the end and left at 2AM. Shacharis was at a very shabbas nap friendly time of 11AM. Food was great, though the meat jello, however you call it, I wouldn't touch even if the Rebbe himself gave it to me.

The not enjoyable part was centered around the half-assed organizational skills of the shul. When we came to the family we were sleeping by, we found out that nobody bothered to warn them that we have a 4 month old infant who needs a crib and not a child bed. One of my friends, by their hosts, got a mattress to put on the floor for his two and a half year old daughter.

The most fun, however, was had when we came to the Rebbe for a brocha. There were other people who were let in first because we were a big group so by the time we got into the room it was 2AM. All the times before, the preggies and families with infants and little kids got the brocha first so they could leave. This time, a few people from our shul showed just how noble they are. There was one family with a toddler and a pregnant wife, two families with toddlers, a couple more with little kids. Who pushed through, ignoring the tired toddlers and babies who were either falling asleep or asleep in their parents' arms? One of the shul's board members and his wife! Now, not only were they there by themselves, but they weren't even leaving, they were staying until Sunday! Then went the gabbai with the preggers wife and toddler, then two other families, and finally us. The family who was supposed to go next were our friends who were driving us. Who shoved in front instead, two bochurim, both of whom knew with who we came and who could could very well see me standing with NY in my arms and my mother with Shlomik. Besides us, there were also other families with kids still waiting, but, apparently the force of the Rebbe's brocha wanes with each consecutive one and it was absolutely imperative that they get in in front.

While we had fun, the enjoyment was marred by these four people's display of selfishness and disregard for others.

All the cholent you can eat

2009-05-07T21:35:00.001-04:00

Today we went to Essex on Coney on M. During the week, as she was walking home from express bus, wife saw that on Mondays and Thursdays, Essex has all you can eat, plus soup, plus drink, for $19.99 per person. For three people, with tax and, for some reason, gratuity, it came out to $75, which is still a good deal.

For soup, there was a choice of split pea soup, taken by wife, chicken noodle, taken by Shlomik, matzha ball, meh, and turkey gumbo, taken by moi. The turkey gumbo was awesome and will be my permanent choice for any future visits.

For drink, there was free water and a choice of Coke, Diet Coke and Sprite. In retrospect, I should have asked for a pitcher of juice or tea. We settled for Coke.

The buffet consisted of salad, sweet and sour chicken, beef with noodles, beef with broccoli, French fries, very nice eggrolls, fried rice, rice with mashrooms and some very strange menu choices. By strange, I mean kishka and cholent. What I would like to know is who, in their right mind, would go to a $20 buffet and get cholent and kishka, on Thursday, in a restaurant. Dude, wait a day and a half, or at least get it from the takeout next door. The weird thing, as you can see on the picture, is that both trays were almost empty. We tried everything on this side of the buffet and Shlomik acquiesced to have a couple french fries.

For dessert, we had some layered cake and cheese cake. Not sure if it was part of the deal, though we weren't charged for it. If it wasn't, don't leave stuff lying around where I could get to it, because I will eat it.

All in all, it was a pleasant experience and, while I wouldn't do it every week, once a month is definitely a possibility.

Котоматрица - LOLCAT

2009-04-30T22:54:00.000-04:00

Котоматрица

Смотреть ещё!

Sinai Reunion - R' Vashovsky's Class of 1992

2009-04-14T14:29:00.003-04:00

Zev Shifrin had an idea of doing a reunion. Possible places for this, Benny's, Shapira, kosher hooka bar on Coney Island.

If you're interested, comment.

Interested in attending:

Zev Shifrin

Moshe Ruzin

Alex Shafir

On a sidenote, I've been running a Sinai/BHI alumni directory site, add yourself.

Pesach Cooking 2009

2009-04-13T17:25:00.003-04:00

Fish

Take 2 packs of frozen tilapia, preferably not Dagim.

Cut each fillet in half and then each half into 1" wide pieces.

Sprinkle with fish spices.

Take 2 potatoes and cut into similar size pieces.

Start frying the potatoes in a frying pan.

After all of the potatoes have changed color, add the fish and some more fish spices.

Stir, lower the flame and cover.

Cook, stirring occasionally until done.

Chicken

Take 2 chickens, dump them into a crock pot 8 hours in advance and cover with your favorite sauce.

Done.

Cholent

Layer 1: chopped garlic.

Layer 2: meat, chestnuts and walnuts.

Layer 3: salt, pepper, red hot paprika, honey, ground nutmeg.

Layer 4: yams, squash, ground meat, 2-3 hot dogs, 3 eggs.

Use a cup of coke or some slivovits for flavor. Unfortunately no beer.

Totally unexpected

2009-04-01T08:39:00.000-04:00

Well, this was somewhat unexpected. For a couple of weeks NY's been gnawing on his fist, slobbering all over and having bouts of screaming. Sounds like teething, but at three months?! Shlomik only had his first tooth at seven months and while their behavior is different, what does that have to do with teeth. NY was exactly one pound heavier than Shlomik but since when is that a criteria.
Was very surprised to find NY sporting a new fang this morning.
Gonna post pictures later.

MTA SPAM

2009-03-23T17:13:00.004-04:00

Tired of waiting for a bailout, MTA has decided to take matters into its own hands.

This morning, MTA started a sales campaign on Twitter.

After each official update, there are at least 2 promotional updates bringing great offers such as Cialis, Viagra and Canadian Pharmacies.

Say what?!

2009-03-18T11:45:00.006-04:00

Some people have bad grammar and some people can't spell and some people put random words together and call it a sentence.

Considering the people I deal with, this will be an ever growing list.

The members only Navigation Bar is the have a link Members only login screen
Ok what is the best way to have a "modom" I need something that works
Also is out site open 2 links
Is their a way to stop people from tapping us

はたらくくるま - Machines at Work

2009-03-13T14:11:00.000-04:00