Wonder Twin Powers...Inebriate!

Worst Of The Worst: Celebrity Albums

2010-01-07T09:55:00.000-08:00

Bruce Willis always seems like a guy who is cool as shit...I mean look at the cover of his album with that hip Bruce Willis smirk that says, "Yeah, I made an album what the hell are ya gonna do about it"? The Return of Bruno is a bunch of cover songs that Bruce sings as his "alter ego" who is a legendary blues singer named Bruno. Luckily for all of us Bruce made a little movie called Die Hard a year after this album came out which ended his music career.

David Hasselhoff

Right up there with unexplainable questions like what the sound of one hand clapping is, comes a fairly obvious one: "How did David Hasselhoff get a music career"? Hasselhoff has made a bunch of albums over the years, however I going to go with his first one because...well...look at the goddamn cover! Also four of the song titles have the word love in them, which is never a good sign. Above is a link to the Hoff singing Secret Agent Man, which is also featured on the Bruce Willis album leading to another valid question, "What's up with celebrities singing Secret Agent Man"?

Steven Seagal

After he was an ass kicker and before he was a reality show cop Steven Seagal was a...blues singer!? In fact simply judging by the cover the look on his face says, "Listen I have a song to share...and if you don't want to hear my song I will beat you within an inch of your goddamn life with this guitar". If you watched his video you have to admit it's at least better than Under Siege 2 and that movie he did with Ja Rule.

John Travolta

Like most teenagers that find success in TV and movies John Travolta decided to try his hand in music. As you can see above Travolta Fever is obviously piggy backing on the popularity of Saturday Night Fever. So what's so bad about this album beside Travolta singing bubble gum pop music? The fact that it is a deluxe 2 Record Set!

Rodney Dangerfield

Good God! I want to know who the hell thought that Rodney Dangerfield rapping would be amusing let alone a good idea. You know what's more terrifying? The fact that there is a "long version" of Rodney Dangerfield rapping! No wonder why he never got any respect...

-Astroboy

Underrated Albums Vol. 30

2010-01-04T10:00:00.000-08:00

Big Star: #1 Record

It's quite easy to look at Big Star now and see them as a precursor to alternative music that sprung up through the 80's and continued well into the 90's indie rock . However it's also rather confounding as to why they were not as successful when they initially came out due to their melding of British garage pop (similar to The Kinks), exuberant Hard Rock (ala T. Rex) and tight harmonies (such as The Byrds) to create a sound that would essentially become power pop.

Formed in 1971 Big Star's two main creative members were guitarist Chris Bell and singer Alex Chilton. Bell was influenced by the 60's British Invasion by bands like The Who and The Beatles, while Chilton had found minor fame with 60's band The Box Tops (who had a hit The Letter). Both sang and also wrote songs for the band. #1 Record is not just an excellent debut, but also shows Big Stars ability to combine all the bands that influenced them into a wholly distinct sound. The 70's swagger of Feel with eerie background harmonies to the crunchy straight forward rocker Don't Lie To Me with it's shout out loud chorus show that Big Star could have been right at home on commercial 70's radio. While the joyous rollick of When My Baby's Beside Me compared to the mournful acoustic ballad Try Again show the varying range of the band.

The songs that encapsulate the album however are In The Street a perfect power pop ode to the boredom of teenage life that was made popular later as being the theme song for That 70's Show. Thirteen is a sweet reflective look back at being young and in love, complete with cheesy lyrics and wonderfully tight harmony. Last but not least is The Ballad of El Goodo which perfectly presents all the musical characteristics that make Big Star great.

Unfortunately due to their record label having distribution problems #1 Record was simply never released properly to retailers and combined with internal fighting between Bell and Chilton the band disbanded. A second album was released sans Bell in 1974, but ran into the same distribution problems (in fact both the albums have been released together in an excellent package). By 1978 Bell had passed away and a third album was released overseas, but was never properly released until the early 90's. Despite only being together for a handful of years Big Star was able to pave the way for future artists and #1 Record stands as a testament to their unique sound.

Essential Tracks: In The Street, The Ballad of El Goodo, Thirteen, Don't Lie To Me, Try Again

-Astroboy

Cold Blooded

2009-12-29T11:42:00.000-08:00

It seems like every year a movie comes out that makes me want to fall on my knees and scream up to the heavens in vain futility questioning why such a film would exist. Well 2009 isn't even over yet and I do believe the following film fits this criteria for 2010:

Oh-Kay! So three young twenty something skiers get trapped on a chair lift (every one's worse nightmare I know)! In this day and age why don't they just whip out their phone and make a call or tweet or update the ol' facebook status. Something along the lines of: OMG totally stuck on a chair lift! Worse vay-kay Evar :( Oh and apparently they forgot their gloves or dropped them.

Anyway all kidding aside...WTF!? I mean as terrifying as freezing to death is (or being eaten by wolves for that matter) the fact that they present the problem in such a serious manner for some reason makes it that much more head slappingly hilarious. Also having someone compare it in anyway shape or form to Jaws (except with skiing!!!) is completely asinine.

Oh well I suppose it could be worse...there could be snakes involved somehow!

-Astroboy

Favorite Movies Of 09

2009-12-28T07:26:00.000-08:00

Some personal favorites from 09...

1. District 9: Out of all the movies I saw this year District 9 took me by surprise. Sure I was expecting cool looking aliens with plenty of explosions, but what I wasn't expecting was such an engaging storyline that was able to blend real world issues seamlessly with science fiction.

2. Up: It seems like every year Pixar out does itself again. With Up it was able to present a 8-10 minute montage that is so deep, heartfelt, and engaging that you can't help but be captivated by the main character and his personal mission. The fact that Pixar can present that much emotion in 10 minutes is a testament to how good they are...

3. Zombieland: As soon as I saw the preview to Zombieland I knew I had to see this movie and it did not disappoint! After the opening credits started with Metallicas For Whom The Bell Tolls I was in heaven for the next two hours. Oh, and best cameo of the year!

4. Inglorious Basterds: At first I was sort of on the fence after seeing Tarantinos war movie, however after a few days I found myself going back to certain scenes. Especially the opening scene, which does an excellent job of creating tension along with the usual Tarantino back and forth.

5. Coraline: Coraline was one of the first movies I'd seen in 3-D in a while (probably since Captain EO) and I must say it was absolutely beautiful to look at with an excellent story to boot!

6. Watchmen: It seems that Watchmen had lofty expectations right out of the gate. Hardcore fan boys were disappointed with what was left out from the comic, while people who had never heard of it weren't sure what to make of it. Being a rather nerdy fan boy however I loved it, simply seeing one of my favorite comics come to life on the big screen was enough for me to overlook the little things that got taken out...oh and my girlfriend didn't know what to expect and she liked it.

7. Drag Me To Hell: After the bloated weirdness of Spider-Man 3 it was nice to see Raimi go back to his roots and craft a simple horror movie that was full of excellent squirms and jolts.

8. Where The Wild Things Are: Essentially a grown up kids movie that blended art house with Hollywood to create a strangely surreal excellent adaptation.

9. The Hangover: I was hesitant to see The Hangover deciding that it was a typical "bro movie", however when I caved and went to see it I found that it was an unexpectedly hilarious bro movie. Oh and second best cameo of the year!

10. 9: After seeing the cool Oscar winning short I wasn't sure how well 9 would translate to a full feature. However 9 was able to combine a wonderful storyline with some truly uniquely skewed visuals.

-Astroboy

Happy Holidays

2009-12-25T10:45:00.000-08:00

Hope everyone is having a Merry Christmas with the ones they love!

-Astroboy

Strange Lyrics To Christmas Classics

2009-12-22T08:52:00.000-08:00

What with Christmas only days away I'm sure at some point during the week you'll hear one (if not all) of these Christmas staples in some shape or form as you celebrate! While all of these have become beloved Christmas classics there are still some head scratchingly weird lyrics that could easily be taken out of context...but then again that might just be me!

Baby It's Cold Outside

Strange Lyric: The neighbors might think - Baby, it's bad out there/Say, what's in this drink - No cabs to be had out there

The entire charm of Baby It's Cold Outside is essentially about some guy trying to convince a girl that it's too bad outside to leave so they can...let's face it...do the deed or possibly make out. Out of all the playful lyrics in the song the one that sticks out as awkward to me is when she asks, "Say, what's in this drink", leading me to believe that the guy is using a bit more than charming lyrics to seduce said lady.

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus

Strange Lyric: Oh what a laugh it would have been/If Daddy had only seen/Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night

Obviously I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus can be taken two ways:

1. Mommy is cheating on the kids father with Santa Claus

2. Daddy is Santa Claus and the kid is unwittingly witnessing some holiday role playing

Whatever the case may be if the lyric in question is number 1 I'm sure Daddy would be doing the opposite of laughing and would instead be beating the snot out of Santa for ruining his marriage.

Jingle Bells

Strange Lyric:

A day or two ago I thought I'd take a ride/And soon Miss Fanny Bright Was seated by my side/The horse was lean and lank/Misfortune seemed his lot/We ran into a drifted bank/And there we got upsot.

You may not be familiar with this line from one of the most popular Christmas songs, but it's in the original version. Perhaps it's been slowly phased out due to the fact that when you are singing an upbeat song like Jingle Bells the last thing to get you into the holiday spirit is you and your lady getting into some sort of sledding accident!

Jolly Old St. Nicholas

Strange Lyric: As for me, my little brain/Isn't very bright/Choose for me, old Santa Claus/What you think is right.

I remember singing this one in grade school at a Christmas program. It has the standard asking Santa for various presents for various people lines, but then ends on a bit of a WTF note. You see the narrator basically admits that they are an idiot and don't have a clue what they want, so Santa should just bring them whatever.

It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year

Strange Lyric: There'll be scary ghost stories/And tales of the glories/Of Christmases long, long ago

Andy Williams is a holiday staple around my house and his celebration of all things Christmas is truly uplifting (in an over the top cheesy sort of way) as he points out all the things that make Christmas time magical. However the one bizarre line is when he talks about telling scary ghost stories, which doesn't really seem like typical yuletide tradition.

-Astroboy

Cool Things That Never Happened

2009-12-18T07:43:00.000-08:00

Occasionally things get made that sound completely awesome but for whatever reason get scrapped or simply never get released due to various reasons. What follows are a handful of cool ideas that for some reason or another never took off...

Heatvision and Jack

What It Was: A TV show created by Ben Stiller and Rob Schrab featuring Jack Black as an astronaut who gets exposed to solar energy to gain super intelligence and teams up with a talking motorcycle voiced by Owen Wilson as they become outlaws and are chased by NASA and Ron Silver.

What Happened: Fox passed on the pilot no doubt because the premise was pretty out there and also due to the fact that Black or Wilson were not really household names yet.

Twilight of the Superheroes

What It Was: After the popularity of the Watchmen Alan Moore wrote a proposal for a 12 issue mini-series that focused on a future version of John Constantine and Rip Hunter coming to the present day DC Universe to avert a crisis that occurs in their future. The main gist of the story would've presented a darker futuristic version of DC characters.

What Happened: After Moore split with DC over creator rights the proposed mini-series was DOA. A few years ago Moore's proposal was leaked online, however by now DC has pulled it from any sites. Rumor has it that the Kingdom Come mini-series that came out in 1996 was loosely based on concepts from Twilight.

Destino

What It Was: Destino was an abandoned project started in 1945 by Walt Disney and Salvodor Dali that looked to animate Dali's surrealist style set to music similar to Fantasia.

What Happened: Basically finances fell through on the project due to the studio struggling financially during WWII. However in 1999 the studio attempted to bring the project back to life going as far to create a six minute short that was released in 2003.

Buffy The Animated Series

What It Was: A cartoon based on the Buffy The Vampire Slayer TV series.

What Happened: For some reason no networks were interested in it. A 3-4 minute promo was made to show networks, but perhaps due to the high cost of making each episode along with the worry that it was too adult oriented for a kids show it was never picked up.

Zack De La Rocha Solo Albums

What It Was: After splitting with Rage Against The Machine the vocalist allegedly started working on solo material with a project that had tracks rumored to be produced by DJ Shadow, DJ Premier and Dan the Automater to name a few. Another solo project saw a collaboration with Trent Reznor of NIN fame.

What Happened: In a nutshell Rage Against the Machine got back together and the projects were abandoned. Though in 2003 he did release a track with DJ Shadow to protest the invasion of Iraq giving a taste of what could have been.

-Astroboy

Christmas Conundrum

2009-12-17T07:50:00.000-08:00

The holidays can be pretty stressful! What with all the finding presents, sending out cards, traveling etc. Everyone knows what the hardest part of the holidays is though right? Of course I'm talking about decorating the Christmas tree...I mean Ugh what a pain! If only there was some poorly made video to give us holiday tips on how to properly decorate a Christmas Tree...

So what exactly did we learn:

-Artificial trees have no odor.

-They make great investments, so make sure to buy at least a dozen and then sell them off next year at a higher price.

-Remember to always check for spiders living in your tree.

-Some trees have a theme to them like pets, favorite hobbies or gay movie icons.

-When finished the tree should resemble a tacky bloated ball gown with glittery shit all over it.

-Often times Christmas trees can lead to arguments. Instead of getting a divorce, simply buy a tree that can spin around. That way you can both have the tree you want without coming to blows!

-Another advantage of having a Christmas tree that spins around is so guests don't get bored of your crappy non-moving Christmas tree.

Well those tips were quite helpful! Now excuse me I have to plan my Christmas tree that is victorian traditional and also dedicated to my love of Christopher Walken...

-Astroboy

The Reason For The Season

2009-12-15T10:00:00.000-08:00

It's easy to forget with the presents, Christmas carols, cookies, lights, wrapping paper, decorations, Christmas cards, and eggnog; the true reason for Christmas. Of course I'm talking about Jesus's Birthday...right? It seems that every year the ongoing argument pops up around what the real reason for Christmas is: crass consumerism, celebration of a holy day, blatant reason to get presents. Like clock work the media likes to trot out the "war on Christmas" news stories followed closely by the hard hitting look at holiday travel. Why here is a website dedicated to keeping track of "Christmas friendly stores" such as uh, Bass Pro Shops!?

It's always interesting (and yes slightly amusing) to me to see people get up in arms about something as relatively harmless and enjoyable as Christmas. I mean Christmas should be the last thing people should get huffy about. It doesn't matter if you are celebrating the big guys B-Day or simply spending time with loved ones sharing gifts with them; Christmas means different things to different people. Why did you know some folks don't even celebrate Christmas (shocking I know!)?

Of course there are also folks who try to cover all their bases when it comes to Christmas like so! I guess what I'm saying is no matter what your reason for the season...whether it's baking cookies for people, wrapping presents, watching that favorite holiday movie, sitting in front of a fire with a glass of wine, or going to a service...as long as you enjoy it and it makes you happy that should be all the reason you need!

With all that out of the way...

-Astroboy

Blast From The Past: Christmas Specials

2009-12-11T11:45:00.000-08:00

A few nights ago I came home from work out of the brutal cold and flipped on the TV to find A Charlie Brown Christmas was on, afterwards I was scrolling through the channels only to stumble across How The Grinch Stole Christmas. For me these are the two cornerstones of Christmas specials (the other two being Rudolph and my all time favorite Emmet Otter's Jug-Band Christmas which I own on DVD). Anyway this got me thinking about some more obscure Christmas specials that I enjoyed as a kid that I haven't seen in a long time that I love dearly, so without further ado here they are:

Twas The Night Before Christmas: By now Rankin Bass are well known for their stop motion holiday classics, but for me personally this cartoon that focuses on a family of mice who live in a clock makers house is a true classic. The plot revolves around a letter to Santa that is published doubting his existence by one of the mice. Obviously Santa is not happy about this and returns all the letters to the children, leading the clock maker to make a clock that plays a song for Santa at the stroke of midnight. When one of the mice children breaks the clock he must scramble to fix it and find his belief in Santa.

The Christmas Toy: Much like Emmet Otter, Jim Henson made this special in the mid-80's focusing on a stuffed toy tiger named Rugby who comes to life along with the other toys when people are not around. On Christmas Eve Rugby decides to sneak downstairs to see what new toys will arrive and attempts to package himself up so he does not become old and forgotten. Unfortunately this one seems to have gotten overlooked on network television over the years.

The Bear Who Slept Through Christmas: I actually owned the book to this as a kid and probably made my Mom read it to the point where she had it almost memorized. Theodore Edward Bear (or Ted E. Bear) decides to skip all that hibernation that most bears spend the winter doing so he can meet Santa Claus and experience Christmas. Alas, this seems to be another Christmas special that is no longer shown.

A Walt Disney Christmas: Before the cookie cutter tween TV shows littered the Disney Channel they use to show actual Disney cartoons (amazing I know!). A Walt Disney Christmas was simply 6 animated Disney shorts cobbled together in a special. They ranged from old Silly Symphonies (The Night Before Christmas) to shorts with popular Disney characters. One of my favorites is Donald's Snow Fight which you can see below.

A Muppet Family Christmas: The cool thing about A Muppet Family Christmas is that it combines Muppet characters from all of Jim Henson's shows (Sesame Street, Fraggle Rock even The Muppet Babies!) as they are snowed in at Fozzie Bears Mom's house. Being a complete Muppet fan as a kid I'm surprised my 7 year old head did not explode with sheer delight. Sadly this is yet another Christmas special that is no longer aired anymore.

So there you have it! After all that my question to you is what's your personal favorite Christmas/holiday special that gets you in the proper holiday spirit?

-Astroboy

OMG LOL WTF PSA!?

2009-12-10T14:26:00.000-08:00

PSA's have been around forever telling us everything from not sticking forks in electrical sockets to not start forest fires to crack being wack. Usually these were delivered in numerous ways:

1. An animated character singing/explaining why you shouldn't do something

2. A famous person soberly telling you not to do something

3. A poorly acted conversation between adults and teens

4. Using an egg as a metaphor for something

However with new generations come new problems like...texting! Not only is it adding unnecessary acronyms into the everyday vocabulary of our youth, even worse it is promoting poor/lazy spelling and grammar. Also texting can be used to spread vicious evil lies similar to gossip, except with more punctuation used to convey emotions!

And don't get me started on the dangers of sexting!

Luckily someone thought to make some PSA's to get through to the youth of today in the only way that makes sense...utter absurdity:

That's right the only person to get through to the youth of today about taking pictures of your junk to email to your girlfriend is apparently James Lipton...or more specifically his beard. As someone who currently has a beard let me just say that having a beard definitely helps a person ponder. Why I probably field 30% more questions due to my beard and my ability to thoughtfully utilize it to ponder asked question!

Anyway I must say that as surreal as the PSA's are I quite like them in an odd sort of way! Even more bizarre is the website which involves James Liptons disembodied beard talking to you and giving you advice on texting etiquette.

With all that out of the way James Liptons Disembodied Beard would make a great band name!

-Astroboy

Wishing You A Smeary Christmas

2009-12-08T07:53:00.000-08:00

Last year CBS gave some...uhhh....unique holiday gift advice. While that's all fine and good what do you get the women in your life? Or better yet how about a Hanukkah gift for your Jewish friends? Well never fear because this year CBS has got all those bases covered when it comes to gift ideas!

Goddammit CBS I wish you would stop caring! OK let me just state once again: Any present that you get someone involving something foreign going inside their body for a medical purpose is not a good present! I'm all for getting checked out and caring about loved ones, but you know what save the pap smear for a non-holiday related gift/discussion. I mean the holidays can sometimes be awkward enough right? Why make them more comically awkward.

Oh and double bonus points for not only presenting the topic with a straight face, but also including a Jewish pun at the end! *Sigh* They also made a Christmas version:

Good God..."Give her the gift even Santa can't deliver"?! Do we really have to bring Santa into this? Way to make the holidays more creepy and uncomfortable CBS...

-Astroboy

Underrated Films Vol. 7

2009-12-04T08:00:00.000-08:00

Idiocracy

Out of all the movies that I have seen in a theater there were only a handful where I saw people physically walk out in the middle of the film. Idiocracy was one of them (and on 5 dollar movie night no less!). Which is strange because Idiocracy is not a bad movie (I can only assume the people leaving were either offended or wasn't sure what it was). However Idiocracy was doomed for failure from its release. After some lukewarm test screenings 20th Century Fox decided to shelve it for a year and then begrudgingly released it...with little to no marketing (ie no TV commercials, movie trailers or press kits), in 7 major cities (minus New York) and without allowing critics to view it ahead of time for review. Even the trailer that was released down below was pretty vague and misleading (which could explain why people walked out now that I think about it). Any movie released with that little fanfare would obviously be destined for failure, however it's a shame because Idiocracy is a excellently hilarious satire/parody of consumer culture and it's future impact on society as a whole taken to the extreme.

Idiocracy focuses on average guy Joe Bauers who along with a prostitute are paid to be in a military hibernation experiment for a year. However that year expands into 500 years and Joe awakens in a future that has devolved into a future race that is completely and utterly stupid leaving Joe to cope with being the smartest man in the world. That's the bulk of the plot which segues into Joe attempting to figure out why the earth hasn't been able to grow plants. However the genius and charm of the movie lays in it's sly mocking of the downward spiral of our culture and the tongue in cheek commentary on rampant consumerism. Instead of movies where we see a post apocalyptic wasteland in the future instead we see a much scarier future where the most popular TV show is Ow My Balls, Costco is it's own city and the president is a former porn star/wrestler named President Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho who rides around on a bad ass motorcycle while drinking and shooting guns on the Senate floor.

One of the main reasons 20th Century Fox no doubt buried it's release was due to the fact that it spoofed well known franchises (Starbucks is a coffeehouse/brothel, Carls Jr. whose slogan is "Fuck You...I'm Eating") which I'm assuming made them apprehensive since some of those corporations had a partnership with other Fox media outlets (commercials, ad space etc.) . Another more obvious reason is that Fox News is also spoofed, which probably did not sit well with 20th Century Fox. So ironically enough where Idiocracy was extremely spoofing big corporations, its release in turn was ultimately affected by big corporations. Despite all that Idiocracy has grown a cult following on DVD (similar to director Mike Judges other movie Office Space) and with the release of things like 2012, random reality shows on VH-1 like Sex Rehab and the onslaught of 24 hour news networks that can whip up anything into a media circus...well let's just say sometimes reality seems like it's slowly mirroring Idiocracy. Hey at least the movie ASS hasn't come out yet right?

-Astroboy

Worst Of The Worst: Christmas Songs

2009-12-03T09:29:00.000-08:00

With the holiday upon us comes an endless onslaught of Christmas songs that celebrate the joys of the season. Obviously a bulk of them are down right nostalgic classics and essential parts of any Christmas...then the are other songs that are the audio equivalent of getting coal in your stocking. Last year around this time I wrote a post that focused on Christmas songs I can't stand, well consider this post an extension of that (also it may explain why a few obvious choices aren't on here...I'm looking at you Paul McCartney!):

Afroman-The Twelve J's Of Christmas

Afroman loves weed and sex, but do you know what he loves more than weed and sex? Why Christmas of course! Apparently Afroman thought that Christmas songs needed more of a ghetto street feel to them, so he wrote an entire album called Colt 45 Christmas. Instead of writing his own holiday songs Afroman simply changed some lyrics around to well known holiday classics. With such titles as Deck My Balls, Let Her Blow and O Chronic Tree (seriously I wish I was making those titles up) Afroman was finally able to combine all of his loves together. Above is his rendition of The 12 Days of Christmas complete with police brutality!

Bob Dylan-Must Be Santa

By this time in his career Bob Dylan can do whatever the fuck he wants. If he wanted to release an album that consisted of him singing a 45 minute rendition of Yummy Yummy Yummy I Got Love In My Tummy on banjo everyone would shrug and go, "Eh, it's Bob Dylan". Seriously the guys got a lifetime pass. So when Dylan announced this summer that he was doing a Christmas album there were some jokes but still I mean Jimmy Buffet has a Christmas album so why the hell not Bob Dylan. However as you can see above Dylan doing a strange mumbly sped up polka version of Must Be Santa is almost seizure inducingly annoying.

Dokken-Santa Claus Is Coming To Town

Apparently it shouldn't be too surprising that someone decided to release a Heavy Metal Christmas albums, I mean there is every sort of genre of Christmas album under the sun. However having a band like Dokken doing Santa Claus Is Coming To Town is quite surprising...and downright awful. Mainly because it is simply Dokken playing Dream Warriors while singing Santa Claus Is Coming To Town

John Denver-Please Daddy (Don't Get Drunk This Christmas)

What captures the yuletide spirit more than a song about Daddy being a raging alcoholic and causing Mommy to cry? This is hands down the most depressing Christmas song ever written...except for...

Newsong-Christmas Shoes

...Christmas Shoes! This makes ol' John Denvers song about Daddy coming home sauced seem absolutely uplifting. You see Christmas Shoes is a song by this Christan band Newsong about a poor boy who is standing in line waiting to buy some shoes on Christmas Eve for his sick dying mother so that she'll look good when she goes to meet Jesus in heaven. Seriously. That's what the song is about. Above is a Patton Oswalt bit that dissects Christmas Shoes in its entirety (NSFW language).

-Astroboy

WTF Wednesday

2009-12-02T08:49:00.000-08:00

With the holidays in full swings are you looking for a gift for that guy who has everything? Well I guarantee that the following is the perfect gift for anyone who enjoys golf and also has bladder problems:

So uh...yeah, that's just ummm...wow! For only 50 bucks you get a hollowed out golf club to pee into. My favorite part is when the announcer assures you that with this wonderful pee club there are "no embarrassing moments", because nothing says not embarrassing as trying to discreetly urinate into an over priced golf club urinal while you're standing on a golf course!

-Astroboy

Hug It Out

2009-11-30T10:09:00.000-08:00

Over the holidays this past week you probably enjoyed time with family and friends. During that time with said loved ones you no doubt gave them hugs to show that you love them, missed them and were genuinely happy to see them. I'm even going to go on a limb and guess that these hugs were of the standard hugging variety.

Well guess what...you and all your hug happy family/friends are sinners who will no doubt burn in some sort of level of Hell reserved especially for hugging. Instead of rationally explaining all this myself, how about watching a video with white people rapping to explain it:

If you even made it through the loud randomly annoying blasts of sirens and air horns in the beginning then you now know about the Christian Side Hug, which is apparently simply putting your arm around someone so you both are side to side. Apparently this is a more acceptable less sinful way of hugging. You see the normal hugging that 99.9% of the population has been doing since forever or whenever hugging was invented is sinful because there is a chance that your genitals may touch as you're in mid-hug with the person you are hugging.

As inadvertent as it may be everyone knows that genital touching is a sin, so luckily someone created a new type of hug...um actually they just took something that didn't really have a name and called it the Christian Side Hug. Which allows you to hug someone without the threat of your genitals possibly touching in the slightest! Obviously the only way to convince people about this glorious new hugging was to create some sort of awful christian rap song that will make you either cry with laughter or cry actual real tears of sorrow for witnessing this ridiculousy awful rap.

Also they seem to make the proclamation in the beginning that they are, "rough riders filled up with Christ's love", which is ummm...odd because in most rap songs "rough rider" is slang for sex which seems to be the opposite of the message of the Christian Side Hug.

*Sigh* You know how sometimes you see something that you hope is a parody or joke or staged...that's exactly how I feel about the video above.

-Astroboy

Weird Site Wednesday

2009-11-25T08:27:00.000-08:00

It's been a while since I've delved into the weird and surreal vortex of the interwebs. So without further ado here are some more sites that range from the utterly bizarre to the downright useless...

Flock Of Mullets: I can't decide if Flock Of Mullets is supposed to be ironically cool or hilariously stupid...I'm going to go with both.

Instant Chewbacca: Finally someone has created a site that allows you to have your own Wookie sidekick with a simple press of a button!

Animals With Lightsabers: As you no doubt gathered from the name Animals With Lightsabers is a site devoted to users photo shopping lightsabers into pictures of animals with often times hilarious results. Believe me nothing is funnier than animals wielding deadly lightsabers!

The Official Dryer Lint Page: Pretty much everything and everyone has a web page nowadays so why not dryer lint. With tips on alternative uses for dryer lint, along with dryer lint artwork. After viewing this page you'll no doubt find a greater appreciation for dryer lint the next time you do laundry...or not.

Wax Hoff: No doubt the most disturbing/pointless site out of all of these (yes, more than a website dedicated to the joys of dryer lint). Wax Hoff involves using your mouse to digitally remove chest hair from David Hasselhoff circa mid-80's....seriously.

Seeing as most of those sites were just plain weird here is something that is all sorts of AWESOME:

Hope everyone has a fantastic holiday!

-Astroboy

Worst Of The Worst: Movie Posters

2009-11-23T09:46:00.000-08:00

Who's Your Monkey

Usually when creating a movie poster you want to leave an impression upon the audience so they look at it and go, "Man, I want to see this movie". In the case of Who's Your Monkey the audience is probably more along the lines thinking, "WTF...why does that monkey have a ninja star"?

Corky Ramano

Chris Kattan is not an attractive person...there I said it. So why a movie studio thought it would be a good idea to have Chris Kattans bug eyed disembodied head floating on a bright yellow background would be a good marketing tool to get folks to go see this movie is beyond me. Maybe it was some sort of reverse psychology or something...

Forced Vengeance

Forget the simple fact that Forced Vengeance is a painfully awful name for an 80's revenge flick, and instead focus on the hilarious fact that whoever painted this movie poster obviously had little to no idea what Chuck Norris looked like at all. In fact if the name Chuck Norris was not above his awful portrait I would have no idea who starred in this movie.

Supervan

Here is what I can tell about the plot of Supervan according to this poster:

-Supervan is a futuristic van from the 70's

-It shoots lasers

-Supervan hates authority

It also has the bizarre tag line, "Watch Your Donkey...Smokey's Gonna Getcha". I've read that sentence 15 times now and have no idea what it means in the slightest.

Equalizer 2000

Take a moment to soak in the cheesy awesomeness that is Equalizer 2000. It's like the epitome of horrible 70's/80's action adventure movie posters multiplied by a gazillion. My favorite part of the entire poster...the fact that the shirtless beard guy standing in front of an explosion has three guns that are combined to make one big gigantic gun!

-Astroboy

Martial Arts Movies Vol. 6

2009-11-19T09:11:00.001-08:00

The 36th Chamber of Shaolin

The late 60's through the 70's was a golden age for the Shaw Brothers Studio in terms of Hong Kong Cinema and martial arts films in general. Obviously indebted to a new found American interest thanks to Bruce Lee's classic Enter the Dragon the studio churned out tales of revenge at a manic rate well into the mid-80's. However 1978 is a high point for the studio mainly due to the release of two kung fu flicks that are now considered to be the greatest in the genre...Five Deadly Venoms and The 36th Chamber of Shaolin.

36th Chamber focuses on San Te (Gordon Liu) who is a student caught up in a rebellion that ends up costing him the lives of his friends and family by the oppressive government. Te seeks out the Shaolin temple to train himself to exact revenge on those who've done him wrong. Obviously there is nothing ground breaking about that plot when it comes to kung fu movies. Most kung fu movies are built upon this revenge formula. However it's the way that it is presented that make 36th Chamber so impressive. Instead of a montage of his training a good bulk of the middle of the movie focuses on Te going through each chamber of Shaolin.

From running across logs on water to banging a gong with a giant bamboo stick with weights on it to watching a light without moving his head as two hot embers hang near his face. We as an audience watch him grow as a character as he fails at these tasks and slowly learns how to overcome them fueled by his desire for vengeance. The chambers themselves are torturous (at times comically sadistic), but also add depth to how he becomes a skilled warrior. It's a slow build that culminates to the point that when he gets kicked out of the temple and goes back to avenge those he has lost it makes it all the more poignant.

The fight scenes are impressively choreographed as well. In the age of wire fu and CGI, it's nice to see complex fight scenes that rely wholly on the actors. Some scenes come off as watching a magician tricking the viewers eye with sleight of hands. Best of all is the fact that the protagonist actually uses the skills that he learned in the temple when fighting his enemies, which also helps the viewer connect with how the character has developed creating a more three dimensional character rather than the typical one dimensional character who is solely fueld by revenge.

Culturally The 36th Chamber of Shaolin has influenced many later martial arts movies (along with spawning some sequels) and is referenced in the Wu-Tang Clans first album Enter the Wu-Tang (36 Chambers). Liu also starred as the master in Quentin Tarntinos Kill Bill movies as a sly homage to 36th Chamber. Out of the handful of influential martial arts movies that have been released The 36th Chamber of Shaolin definitely stands at the top of the genre.

-Astroboy

Wii-ligion?

2009-11-18T14:04:00.000-08:00

In what's either the most bizarre video game news or a pretty funny parody comes this:

Personally I'm going with parody on this one since those kids looked waaaaay too excited about playing a game that involved church. Also those graphics look pretty questionable on the legitimacy scale, along with the fact that the video played out like something from the Onion. Last but not least I'm thinking that Nintendo would shy away from being associated with something this blatant.

However this is a video game so you never know...

If you go here you can see the actual site and draw your own conclusions...

*UPDATE* Apparently this this was actually a quite amusing viral ad for Dante's Inferno.

-Astroboy

Spiteful Songs

2009-11-17T14:36:00.000-08:00

In my humble opinion when it comes to love songs they are about a dime a dozen in music. Anyone can successfully sing a song about love and what not (I mean I figure 40% of most songs by The Beatles were about love). For my money a good spiteful song is fantastic when done right, especially when the song balances the right amount of longing, melancholy and venomous rage that is usually involved with any sort of break-up. What follows are some of my particular favorites.

You're So Vain-Carly Simon- I'm not really a big fan of the "70's folky female" genre, but damn does Carly Simon convey some nice quiet menace. From the taunting chorus to the subtle hints/jabs that mix looking back at the flaws in not just the relationship, but the other person. She presents a subject that is so bitter in such a sweet way making it quite effective. It doesn't matter who this track is about, just don't get on Carly Simons bad side!

Spiteful Lyrics: Well, you're where you should be all the time/And when you're not, you're with/Some underworld spy or the wife of a close friend

You Ain't The First-Guns N' Roses: On the same album as the more blatant in your face kiss off Back Off Bitch, GNR presents a slow burning ode lamenting a relationship gone sour. Weather regulating the relationship as a simple fling to comparing it to the end of a book, GNR present it musically as a laid back lazy jam contrasting the cruel anger of the lyrics.

Spiteful Lyrics: You was just a temporary lover/Honey you ain't the first/Lots of others came before you woman/Said that you been the worst

She's Not There-The Zombies: At first listen there seems to be nothing malicious about She's Not There, but underneath the rollicking electric piano is a blistering cautionary tale about lost love that was built on lies. It's amazing to me that such a simple statement as the title/chorus can be taken as both mournful and vicious all rolled into one.

Spiteful Lyrics: But it's too late to say you're sorry/How would I know, why should I care?/Please don't bother trying to find her/She's not there

The Perfect Disguise-Modest Mouse: A sort of melancholy longing permeates throughout the entire album The Moon & Antarctica, but The Perfect Disguise perfectly balances seething anger with acerbic sentiments. To counter the thinly veiled contempt in the lyrics the end is a despondent moan of, "broke my back".

Spiteful Lyrics: Cuz you cocked your head to shoot me down/I don't give a damn about you or this town no more/No cuz I know the score

Baby Bitch-Ween: Ween often straddles the line of serious and silly. So it really is impressive when they successfully combine the two. Focusing on a dismal chance meeting with the one who got away the song reflects the various emotions ping ponging through the narrator. From wistfulness to juvenile anger to somber longing, it's the perfect blend of wistfulness and laugh out loud contempt.

Spiteful Lyrics: Baby, Baby, Baby Bitch/For words I'm at a loss/Baby, Baby, Baby Bitch/I'm better now please fuck off

Positively 4th Street-Bob Dylan: Despite the fact that Positively 4th Street is more focusing upon the naysayers who shunned Dylan going electric and not a specific person per say, 4th Street oozes sheer disdain and spite. With his detached cool delivery Dylan spits out lines that both chastises and outright mocks those who turned his back on him with such biting wit that it features the hands down classiest burns ever recorded.

Spiteful Lyrics: Yes, I wish that for just one time /You could stand inside my shoes/You'd know what a drag it is/To see you

-Astroboy

Underrated Albums Vol. 29

2009-11-13T10:00:00.000-08:00

Operation Ivy-Energy

By the late 70's/early 80's punk rock had branched out into the West Coast to form what would be dubbed the hardcore scene featuring bands as diverse as The Dead Kennedys, The Minutemen, and Black Flag among a slew of others. However by the mid-80's many hardcore punk bands had fallen by the wayside (though at the time some notables were becoming popular in the Midwest along with the rumblings of post punk on the East Coast). In 1987 Operation Ivy came out of the Bay area to fuse ska and hardcore together. Obviously it wasn't the first time ska was introduced to punk. Most notably The Clash incorporated it into their music, along with bands like The Specials and The Uptones. However Operation Ivy combined the two styles successfully and paved the way for an early 90's ska revival.

Operation Ivy were only around for 2 years and got around to putting out an EP along with an LP, but despite their brevity were able to craft songs that were in your face bursts of emotion. Re-released in 1991 Energy (a compilation that combined both EP/LP) is a solid look at a band who was around as quickly as most of their songs. Ivy songs run the gamut of joy (Sound System, Bankshot), teen angst (Room Without A Window, Yellin' In My Ear) and above all social consciousness (Caution, Freeze Up, Unity). I personally first heard Op Ivy when I was a teenager of about 14 or 15 and it actually makes sense that I enjoyed them because their music very much mimics the teenage mindset: spurts of happiness, anger, and most importantly trying to learn about your surroundings (and how one fits into society as a whole).

While a good bulk of Op Ivy may sound brash and bratty there are two stand out tracks that hint at what Ivy may have ultimately become had they matured. Take Warning has a mind bogglingly catchy bass line that infectiously moves the song along, while the lyrics focus on the mindless violence that had sprung up in the hardcore scene. In a similar plea for unity among not just the scene but each other (a common theme in many songs) is Bad Town which starts off with a saxophone and then mutates into a chorus that is a jubilant call to arms. By the time major labels started garnering them interest Operation Ivy decided to split up (however half of them did go on to form Rancid). Energy may come off to some as rather one note and juvenile, but to me it shows a slice of a band in all its youthful, nihilistic, aggressive glory.

Essential Tracks: Sound System, Take Warning, Bad Town, Freeze Up, Hoboken, Healthy Body

-Astroboy

80's Songs I Shouldn't Like (But Actually Do)

2009-11-10T07:58:00.000-08:00

For the past 24 hours now I have inexplicably had Eddy Grant's classic (re: only) hit Electric Avenue trapped in my head for little to no reason at all. To make matters even more baffling I am not annoyed by this, in fact I secretly sort of enjoy that an early 80's reggae New Wave song has been stuck in a continous loop inside my brain for an entire day.

Which got me thinking about songs that I rationally shouldn't like, that in normal situations should annoy me or make me roll my eyes...but for some reason don't. I simply focused on the 80's as a decade because for me there were many popular cheesy songs that seem like they should be utterly cringe inducing, but for some reason or another melt my cynical side to the core!

Starship-We Built This City: I briefly mentioned before how We Built This City is a guilty pleasure song for me. Upon listening to it again there is little to no reason why I should even remotely find it enjoyable. It really is the epitome of 80's schlock complete with synthesizers and inane lyrics, however for some unknown reason that will probably never be explained it all comes together to make a catchy song. Also I am intrigued by this city made of rock n' roll...

Motley Crue-Home Sweet Home: If there is one thing I could never stand about the mid to late 80's (this also bled into the early 90's) was the over the top power ballad. It seemed like every metal album needed to have a soothing piano love ballad to balance out the inevitable song about how awesome it was to party. To make Home Sweet Home even more of an anomaly I was probably one of the only people that grew up in the 80's not liking Motley Crue at all! So why the hell do I like this song again? To tell you the truth it's like when you take two things that should taste awful together only to eat them and find out that seperately they may suck, but together they taste pretty excellent.

Europe-Final Countdown: Blame Arrested Developement for unlocking my unforgotten love for Final Countdown. From the beginning Casio noodling that mimics a lame attempt at an 80's court blowing horns to announce that the king has arrived to the shrieking of the chrous every fiber of my being should want to dislike Final Countdown, but instead a satisfied smile always creeps across my face.

Pete Townsend-Let My Love Open The Door: If there is one thing musically I can't stand it is completely obvious lyrics. It doesn't get much more eye rollingly obvious than Let My Love Open The Door (To Your Heart of course!). To make matters worse there is also the 80's staple of stopping the song in the middle while everyone claps and chants a part of the song. Despite all that this is one of those songs that as a kid when it came on the radio in the car I turned it up to sing along...which my Mom no doubt thought was adorable!

Lindsay Buckingham-Holiday Road: For me personally Holiday Road is embarrissingly catchy. Just add some electronic hand claps to Lindsay Buckingham hollering holiday road, layer a random guitar solo somewhere and there you have it.

-Astroboy

A Few Halloween Treats

2009-10-31T07:35:00.000-07:00

In honor of Halloween here are some spooky Disney cartoons, including one of my favorites! Hope everyone is having more treats than tricks...

Lonesome Ghosts

Skeleton Dance

-Astroboy

Some Trick Or Treating Advice From The 70's

2009-10-30T07:25:00.000-07:00

With Halloween right around the corner and that fact that I have been swamped this week work wise here's a PSA on Halloween safety circa 1977. I actually remember watching this particular PSA at school around this time...despite the fact that it was the middle 80's. So sit back relax and enjoy some Halloween safety tips (aka how to completely ruin Halloween for kids):

If you want to see the thrilling conclusion and see how the Little Witch's Mom can suck even more fun out of all Hallows Eve you can go here!

-Astroboy