Happy Meals & Happy Hour

Back From NYC!!

2008-10-12T11:30:00.018-04:00

I'm back like Britney, bitches.

Spent the 4-day weekend visiting my sister and mom in the Big Apple, now re-named the BG Apple:

Portrait of 2 cultural icons:

the Bathtub Gangsta and The Empire State Building

(btw, we lost his shades...somewhere on Broadway

a street vendor is hawking an itty bitty pair of glasses for $10 )

So I thought I could slip quietly away and take a blog-vacation without anyone noticing. Put up a post the day I left from my first week of blogging when I had like 4 readers. (As NBC says, "If You Haven't Seen It, It's New To You")...

By the second day, McMommy is Direct-Tweeting me in a NYC taxi "Where ARE you? Why aren't you posting?" and Back To Barnwell is calling me out in my own comments section "You posted this already!" Crap.

In retrospect, I should have announced I was going and brought back Statue of Liberty foam crowns for everyone.

Took the double-decker bus tour, saw all the historic landmarks and freaked out the most at THIS:

The Project Runway design studio!!!!!!!!!!!!(really. The guide told us.)

Stopped by the site of the Hot Blogger Calendar shoot, and left a wreath in memory of the Not Quite Hot Enough .

Back to my sister's apartment, where you can see 1) a spectacular view of the Empire State building, and

2) that we share the same green thumb: check out her Potted Death Sticks. Of course, being a Vice President at Goldman Sachs gives her a little wiggle room in the gardening department - unlike me, who has no excuse for this:

I was busy blogging.

Waiting Room Time Suck

2008-10-08T23:02:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I had my annual Ob/Gyn checkup, or, more accurately, my annual visit to the Ob/Gyn Waiting Room.

Because let's face it, it's an annual appointment to sit and read magazines quietly with strangers. Ending in a check-out room involving paper clothes and small talk.

You would think after decades of doctor visits, I would learn to bring my own reading material. But I don't, and I'm left choosing between Working Mother and Field and Stream. WTF. Where are all these fishing physicians coming from. And the whole "Working Mother" thing just seems to be mocking me wherever I go.

After 45 minutes, the Fake-out Nurse comes through the door and calls my name. The Fake-out Nurse's sole purpose is to trick you into thinking you're next. You are so not next. She simply leads to you another smaller, more naked waiting room.

On the way of course is the pit-stop at The SCALE. You know - the one invented in the 1800's with the Sliding Chunks of Doom. Dude - you expect me to just step up on a scale MID-DAY with all my clothes and shoes on????? That is just uncalled for. Everyone knows your true weight is first thing in the morning, before breakfast, after peeing, no clothes. Fake-out Nurse proclaims my weight out loud - (Bitch!)-, which is my cue to act nonchalant, as if this pronouncement has not totally plunged me into a fat-panic so far-reaching that I will not hear a word the doctor has to say.

On to Waiting Room #2, where she instructs me on disrobing and pledges that the doctor will be "right in". The doctor will not be right in. In fact, feel free to call your college roommate, start your taxes or take a nap. They could at least provide me with a cup of crayons to draw on the paper table-liner like they do at Chili's.

Grand Total:

Wait time: 1 hour, 15 minutes

Examination time: 4 minutes

Wall clock time checks: 18

Mental beauty makeovers of receptionists: 3

Presumptuous assessments of couples' relationships: 4

Envious feelings towards pregnant women: 0

Fantasies of indignant protest over wait time: 5

Actual indignant protests: 0

And so, in the end, Receptionist-Who'd-Look-Better-With-a-Stylish-Bob writes me an appointment card for a year from now. When, like the pain of childbirth, I will have forgotten about the wait and once again brought nothing to read. Good times.

Hamster Warning

2008-10-06T18:20:00.000-04:00

Today, the American Academy of Pediatrics came out with a report warning that families with young children should not keep hamsters, due to the risk of salmonella and other illnesses.

The dog weighed in:

But so did the hamsters.

To which the dog responded:

and the hamsters retaliated with:

The Jerk Goes to Target

2008-10-05T10:29:00.001-04:00

This is me, shopping at Target:

Shopping objective: 1 tea kettle: $15

Actual purchase: 1 tea kettle, 3 laundry baskets, 1 pair flip-flops, 2 pair kids' sneakers, 1 pack men's socks, 1 sports bra, 3 dish towels, 1 bathroom rug, 3 tank tops on sale, 1 pair sunglasses, 2 pair earrings, 1 set margarita glasses, 1 photo album, 1 clock radio, 2 birthday cards, 3-pack scotchtape, 1 fall wreath, 2 pumpkin candles and 1 candy bowl with moving creepy hand that says "Happy Halloween":
$249.85.
That's all I need.

The Big Snip

2008-10-03T10:20:00.006-04:00

OK first let me say: I do feel bad. I really, really feel bad that my husband is in the living room, sitting on an ice pack drinking tea and watching Californication On-Demand. I do.

Did I make this at 8am while he was showering for the doctor's office? Maybe.

Did I grab my camera as we were going out the door? Yup. But if I hadn't I wouldn't have been able to post THIS:

which may be one of the funniest photos ever.

As we were discussing the procedure with the doctor and they were going back and forth about the injection and how much would it hurt: for just a second or for a few seconds and then would it still hurt and for how long I said, "but probably it won't hurt as much as, say, childbirth." And we all agreed, yes, probably not that much.

So right now I'm blogging in the office and he's shouting at me from the living room about how much "action" he's going to deserve because of this. How I better start taking my vitamins now. And could I maybe get him some chicken noodle soup.

Vasectomy co-pay: $125

Ice pack from CVS: $3

Pain medication: $20

Not storing pre-natal vitamins next to your wrinkle cream: priceless.

Sue's Clues

2008-10-01T07:26:00.011-04:00

___________________________________

Hi boys & girls!

Can you help me figure out what Sue's thinking of that has...

rum...........

mint leaves.........

and lime???????????

What was that? OH!!!!!!! Mojitos!!!!!

We just figured out Sue's Clues,

We just figured out Sue's Clues...

We just figured out Sue's Clues -

Don't ever quit your job.

Dancing With The Stars

2008-09-30T16:54:00.012-04:00

Here's my problem with Dancing with the Stars.

Ballroom dancing is already pretty lame. Add a host straight from the Miss America Pageant, D-list celebrities and a "house band" and it's like a perfect storm of Cheesiness. 1972 called: It wants it's variety show back.

Cloris Leachman? Ted McGinley? Susan Lucci? What, Bea Arthur wasn't available?

DWTS producers: Put down the Taco Bell, pick up the phone and book somebody interesting!

Do I have suggestions? Of course I do. You don't even have to pay me a percentage.

Dr. 90210, Robert Rey.

To Catch a Predator's Chris Hanson.

The lovely Jennifer Wilbanks, aka The Runaway Bride.

The Burger King dude (as suggested by Deb )

And, helloooo? Six Flags dancin' man?????......

You're welcome.

Halloween 101

2008-09-29T09:16:00.005-04:00

A few years ago, my mom had a couple from Sweden move in next door. Come Halloween time, my mom put one large pumpkin and one small one on her front step. The next day, she saw the Swedes had done the same, one large and one small, assuming it was the American tradition. For some reason, I find that beyond hilarious.

That got me thinking: this whole Halloween season must seem so bizarre to foreigners.

Foreigner: So what do I do first?

American: First, get yourself some cornstalks for the front of the house.

Foreigner: From a farm?

American: No, from Michael's. Grab a scarecrow while you're there, too.

Foreigner: But I don't have any crops to guard...

American: You need a scarecrow. Everybody has one.

Foreigner: And where do I get the pumpkin?

American: Well, you could just buy one at the grocery store...but the REAL way to do it is drag the whole family to a "pumpkin farm", stand on line for a hayride, ride a quarter mile out to a field, pose for the Christmas photo, "pick" a pumpkin from the ground, lug it back to the cashier, spend $30 in pies, and go home.

Foreigner: And then I have to carve a face into it?

American : Only if your kids remind you.

Foreigner: OK -and what do I need for Halloween night.

American: Lots of candy. To give to the neighbors' kids.

Foreigner: And what about my kids?

American: They'll be getting candy from the neighbors.

Foreigner: And do they eat all this candy?

American: No. There will be a lot of candy they "don't like".

Foreigner: And what happens to that candy?

American: The moms eat it.

Foreigner: So once you've visited everyone in the neighborhood, and they've oohed and aahhd over your kids' costumes, do you all become friends and socialize on a regular basis?

American: No - we don't speak again til next Halloween.

The No-Cry Challenge

2008-09-27T16:41:00.001-04:00

Back when I was single, I had my go-to angst songs that would make me cry my eyes out over (insert current cheating hot dude here).

Now that I'm a mom, there are a few songs that kill me. When my oldest daughter graduated elementary school last May, I wrote a post about how Billy Cyrus' "Ready, Set Don't Go" was making me a weepy mess.

So my friend Jen The Mom said "Yeah, but have you heard Trace Adkins' "You're Gonna Miss This"???????

and because I'm smart I went and downloaded it and had a complete breakdown.

Jen and her girlfriends had a YouTube cry-off at their girls weekend, so I thought that might be fun. Here's 2 songs I challenge you not to cry to.

p.s. Degree of difficulty is exponentially higher if you've been drinking.

Go!

"You're Gonna Miss This"

Got any tears left?

Yes? OK, here's one for the Dads who travel or Dads in the military:

"I'm Already There" by Lonestar.

What are YOUR favorite crying songs?

The Cleaning Ladies

2008-09-26T09:39:00.004-04:00

In my world, Thursday rocks. Every single week.

Because Thursday is when Berta y Lupe come. And they "re-set" my house. Back to 0. Back to neat and shiny and lemony.

And the house looks the way it should, but never does, except for 3pm on Thursdays, when they call out "Ok we leave!" and they drive off into Magic Cleaning-Lady Land in their green Prius.

I love them. I love how they pretend to like me. I love how they know the English word for "pay" but not "papertowel". I even love how they routinely misread the value of things, like putting magazine blowout cards in a cute little pile, or throwing out Pete the cocooning caterpillar from the kitchen windowsill, or tossing my Tag Heuer watch into the toybox.

It's OK, Berta y Lupe: Te Amo.

I love them so much I'm probably a little off in my imaginary translation of what they're saying.

Berta y Lupe: Esta casa es un lío.

Translation: This house is a pigsty.

My translation: Poor girl-her family makes such a mess.

Berta y Lupe:Hay tanto pelo en el cuarto de baño.

Translation: The amount of hair in the bathroom could create a new dog.

My translation: She looks so young to have three kids.

Berta y Lupe:¿Usted trajo su martillo perforador para la crema dental en el fregadero?

Translation: Did you bring your jackhammer for the toothpaste in the sink?

My translation: Doesn't she look so much like Heather Locklear?

I don't care what you're saying, Berta y Lupe...just please come back next Thursday. You complete me.

PART 2: Fun With Play-Doh

2008-09-25T00:00:00.001-04:00

(previously, on "Fun With Play-Doh"....BG discovered Mr. Bill in his house.)

-------------------------------------------------------------

Chill, Clay-man. It's cool. But check it out: You're lookin' whack, yo. If you want to roll with me I gotta do a little adjusting...

Oh NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now that's what I'm talkin' bout, G!

Thug Life, Playa.

Fun With Play-Doh (Part1)

2008-09-23T12:57:00.003-04:00

So here's why my kids are at a disadvantage:

If you happen to have me for a mother, and say you get some Play-Doh for a birthday present, chances are you will never see it again because your mother has done THIS:

Hi there, boys and girls! Remember me? It's Mr. Bill!!

Yo. Clay-man. Why you all up in my crib?

Oh NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Staff Meeting With Myself

2008-09-21T17:46:00.008-04:00

Minutes from Happy Meals & Happy Hour staff meeting. 9/21/08

In attendance: Me, Angel Me, Devil Me.

Me: OK , I've called this meeting - wait - where is Devil Me?

Angel Me: Do you want me to call her?

Devil Me: I'm HERE. Chillax. What. Why are we here.

Me: Please stop Twittering. We're having a meeting to address some concerns I'm having regarding our responsibilities and actions lately.

Devil Me: UGH.

Angel Me: I so agree with you.

Me: OK: Item #1: "Time Spent on the computer". Who wants to address this.

Angel Me: Ooh me! I feel guilty that it's taking time away from the family , and housework, and volunteering at the school.

Devil Me: You're a tool.

Me: OK, What would you like to say?

Devil Me: We're totally behind in visiting our commenters, Mom Bloggers Club, SITS, Humor-Blogs and Humor Bloggers.com. And there's a new group called Twitter Moms that we need to join.

Me: OMG. I know - You're right.

Angel Me: Don't listen to her! You haven't made dessert for the family in 3 weeks!

Devil Me: Do you have any idea what you missed on Twitter today?

Me: ACK! What?

Devil Me: Well you'll just have to scroll back and catch up.

Angel Me: It's OK! Why not look into some new recipes or start a puzzle?

Me: I should help out at the library.....

Devil Me: Google Analytics said your numbers were down last week. Probably because you didn't visit anyone.

Me: WHAT??? I was busy uploading Not Quite Hot Enough bloggers!

Devil Me: Also, I heard that everyone at Humor Bloggers is going to be on The Today Show. The same day as The Jonas Brothers.

Me: Meeting adjourned.

Angel Me: But-!

Devil Me: Suckahhhhhhh.

CHARDONNAY

2008-09-19T23:15:00.000-04:00

(I didn't write this. My awesome friend Cindi from college emailed it to me yesterday and since I've been so busy with the Not Quite Hot Enough Calendar site, uploading all you hotties, I thought I'd use my homework pass...)

IMPORTANT HEALTH ADVICE FOR WOMEN.

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?

Do you suffer from shyness?

Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Chardonnay.

Chardonnay is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Chardonnay can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Chardonnay almost immediately and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Chardonnay.

Chardonnay may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Chardonnay. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

* The consumption of Chardonnay may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
* The consumption of Chardonnay may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
* The consumption of Chardonnay may cause you to think you can sing.
* The consumption of Chardonnay may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
* The consumption of Chardonnay may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
* The consumption of Chardonnay may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

Isn't it time you asked YOUR doctor about Chardonnay?

Not Quite Hot Enough Calendar

2008-09-18T00:00:00.006-04:00

(Henceforth, known as NQHE.)

So here's what happens when McMommy and I get nominated for Hottest Blogger Calendar and we don't win.

We don't take it well. We pout and we commiserate and we drink large quantities of wine.

We mourn the hotel room and the photo shoot and the blog material that could come from it.

Then we get serious. Serious about revenge vindication.

And suddenly, (miraculously), we think about YOU: You OTHER bloggers who weren't quite hot enough.

And we say: "With God as my witness, there shall be a Not Quite Hot Enough Calendar!"

And so there is.

Because we rock like that.

So come on over and submit your bad self! We already have 3 YEARS worth of Not Quite Hot Enough bloggers posted!!!!

The Not Quite Hot Enough Calendar. You Ain't Seen Nothin' Yet.

(click the link to visit!)

The Guy Movie

2008-09-16T07:00:00.007-04:00

You know the drill.

Man and woman go to Blockbuster to pick a movie to watch together. Man picks Guy Movie, woman picks Chick Flick. Flip a coin to see whose movie goes first.

Really Blockbuster should just do away with the current genre set-up in the store and just have 2 sections:

"Guy Movies" and "Chick Flicks".

The Guy Movie usually has a black and red cover.

The title tends to feature the word "Heat"... "Night" ...or "Vengeance".

Most feature Denzel Washington and/or Tommy Lee Jones.

Something is always being stolen/ blown up/ robbed/ hijacked or smuggled.

Someone is always getting shot/ stabbed/ kidnapped or tortured.

This is being accomplished with guns/ knives, tasers and/or explosives.

There are lots of cars/ trains/ freighters/ helicopters and fighter jets.

The hero is a cop/ex-cop/marine/ex-marine/bounty hunter/ex-bounty hunter/CIA/ex-CIA/FBI/ex-FBI/ detective/ex-detective.

More often than not he's a "renegade".

Quite often he prefers 'his own brand of justice".

The bad guys are foreign, or, if not foreign, ugly.

The hero is married to/divorced from/interested in a "good woman".

I can guarantee you this 'good woman' just wants to watch "Love, Actually" with a glass of chardonnay.

EVEN MORE Words I Made Up

2008-09-14T15:15:00.002-04:00

(Is it time for a book yet?)

Philidelflip (fil-a-del'-flip) n.

The uncanny ability of a half bagel with cream cheese to land "cream cheese-down" when it falls.

wavetraction (wave-trak'-shun) n.

When you try to wave at someone you know in public and they don't see you, but everyone else does, so you have to retract your wave.

vegivindication (vej-ee-vin-di-kay'-shun)n.

Because of the "first-in, last-out" nature of grocery shopping, finally proving to the checkout clerk with the last items on the belt that you do, in fact, feed your family healthy produce, not just crap.

bumperclump (bum'-per-clump) n.

A frantic gridlock of bumper cars that can't get out of each others' way and use up all the ride time.

beefizzwary (bee-fizz'-ware-ee) adj.

To have a phobia of a bee being in your soda can.

ghostcrank (gowst'-crank) n.

The unexplainable phenomenon of your car stereo being several decibels louder when you start the car up than when you left it.

Big Bang Bucket List

2008-09-12T04:00:00.005-04:00

Um, hello? World Council to Regulate Mad Scientists?

There are these dudes in Switzerland who have built a 10 billion dollar ATOM SMASHER?

Yeah. They want to "recreate the Big Bang". So, if you could just pop over there when you get a minute, we earthlings sure would appreciate it.

You know, just give it a look-over since there are several nuclear physicists who have a few concerns. One being the total annihilation of earth into a black hole. Which, you know, would be bad.

And I, for one, have many things I'm looking forward to, not the least of which is "Heroes" and "The Office" coming back on TV.

So IF, in fact, the planet is going to implode into cosmic dust...I've gotta start crossing things off my "Bucket List" (things to do before you kick the bucket: Morgan Freeman/Jack Nicholson movie. Yeah -I didn't see it either.)

So, I'm jotting some things down:

#1. Make voodoo dolls of Swiss scientists.

#2. Buy a diamond & ruby encrusted Victoria's Secret bra

#3. Try one of those $200 hamburgers.

#4. See the Pam & Tommy Lee sex tape.

#5. Drink Grey Goose & OJ for breakfast

#6. Kidnap Joe Jonas at gunpoint

...that's as far as I've gotten. (note to self: Ace Hardware for duct tape)

OK! Thanks for looking into that - keep me posted.

p.s. Prose&Converse commented on #6: "Big Bang, indeed." I don't know what she's talkin' about.

September 11th Tribute

2008-09-11T04:00:00.002-04:00

Do you remember what you were doing?

Suck E. Cheese's

2008-09-10T03:13:00.007-04:00

Suck E. Cheese's sucks cheese.

Sucked then: 1998 Sucks now.

OK, to be fair, we've spent more time at the mutant rip-offs near us, "Boomer's" and "Oasis".

But it's all the same freakshow: A chaotic sugar-fueled germ-fest of shoeless children running amok amidst clanging game machines and miserable parents.

I'll be honest: when that "child-party-looking" invitation arrives, I say the Birthday Party trifecta prayer:

#1) Please let us be busy that day

#2) If not, please let it not be in the next county.. and

#3) Sweet Mother of God, please don't let it be at Chuck E. Cheese.

Because there IS NO DROPPING OFF at these parties. I mean you could, but it's like child-abduction paradise. So you're left making small talk for 2 hours with "I Really Don't Remember Whose Mom You Are" and silently cursing your husband who is no doubt stretched out on the couch with a bowl of popcorn watching football.

There's always a "Ball Pit" aka, "The Virus Acquisition Chamber".

There's always a "Playscape" with "Sky-Tunnels": This uses up a good half hour with:

"Mom! Look up here!"

"I see you!"

" Mom! Look!"

"I'm Looking...."

"Mom! Watch me!"

"God in heaven why didn't I bring vodka.'"

And the KICKER, the Icing on the Cake...is when the party is finally, mercifully, over.....and you think you're gonna get to grab your coat and go........

....the TICKETS. The freakin' TICKETS. Your child's reason for living: the mother-f'n tickets they've been "winning" all afternoon to "spend" at the "Prize Counter".

Not only are there 15 kids ahead of you in line, but each one is in the quandry of his life, deciding whether to spend their tickets on a plastic slinky or a spider ring or a styrofoam airplane. And there is one employee. Inevitably, there is something like an iPod or an Xbox360 displayed in the case so that each and every child ahead of you asks: how many tickets for THAT?

Not enough tickets in the world, kid, that's just there to mess with you.

Another half hour later you finally reach the sanctity of your car with your new possessions: a Ring Pop, a Chinese fan, a rubber snake and 2 weeks of impetigo. Thanks for the party favor, Suck E.Cheese.

Mom's Birthday

2008-09-09T05:00:00.001-04:00

It's my Mom's birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!

So this means she and Eddie will go out to a very nice restaurant in East Hampton tonight and the waiter will come over to the table and say, "Can I get you something to drink?"

Mom: Do you have wine?

Waiter: Yes, ma'am, we do.

Mom: How much is it?

Waiter: Well, that would depend on your selection....

Mom: How much is a glass of white wine?

Waiter: Well, our house chardonnay is $9.

Mom: $9???? How much is a carafe?

Waiter: Um, let me see if we 'do' carafes...

Mom: How much is a half a carafe?

and so on. Which is not a conversation you hear much in The Hamptons.

But being frugal is practically ingrained in her DNA, thanks to my grandfather, who once brought my grandmother home a fur coat that he found at the dump. He was perplexed that she didn't want it.

I can still remember being sent on errands to the grocery store when I was a teenager to "return this fruit". "What should I say?" "Say it's just not very good!"

Anyway, small wallet, but big heart....this is for you Mom, Happy Birthday:

Make photo slide shows at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Tweeting the VMA's

2008-09-08T06:53:00.006-04:00

For those of you who missed the VMA's last night, you didn't miss much. The only fun part was tweeting the whole thing on Twitter with my tweeps. For the uninitiated, Twitter is an addictive application where you can express every thought that pops into your head in real time, as long as it's one-sentence long. And everyone else on Twitter can see it and respond.

Example:

Thought: Man, my abs don't look like Rhianna's..

Tweet: "My abs look just like Rhianna's."

McMommy: "Mine are harder."

Patriceoxox: "You guys! Stop-I'm on the West Coast."

and so on.

Anyway. It was hosted by this dude:

who was kind of like a creepy pedophile and kept stealing my Jonas Brothers purity ring bit. One great line though: "The Jonas Brothers wearing purity rings is like Superman saying, 'I'm not gonna fly- I'll just take the bus.'"

Here's a quick recap: Britney is being hailed as stellar because she wasn't bloated, high, or drunk.

She DID do a bad comedy bit. She DIDN'T perform. Golf clap for you, Britney: you didn't fall down.

Christina Aguilera lip synched. While she looked lovely for someone who just had a baby, she JUST HAD A BABY. Dude. Please, with the black spandex. Give it another month. Add a jacket. A ruffle. Something.

Katy Perry's performance got cut off. The Ting-Tings got cut off.

Demi Moore needs to check her birth certificate before donning another mini skirt. Anyway.

Now for Adopt-a-Blogger Monday:

I want to introduce you to one of my tweeps who I was frantically discussing the VMA's with: Back to Barnwell. He is 22, hilarious and has had to move back to a small South Carolina town to take care of his Grandma.

Seriously - this is what people do in Barnwell - they all drive pimped out golf carts. That's Grandma.

Go stop in for some Firefly vodka tea and blogroll him. It's so worth it.