Happy Meals & Happy Hour

Weekend LOL Video

2009-11-21T14:58:00.000-05:00

In honor of New Moon opening Friday.....

Random Crap

2009-11-17T17:13:00.001-05:00

Disclaimer: This post has no topic sentence, well-structured body, summary or conclusion.

Anyone wishing to exit the blog may do so at this time. Exits are located at the front, sides and rear of the blog.

OK, first up: "Funny Things Husbands Do".

Yeah. That's the kitchen TV remote velcroed to the TV.

So when we want to turn on the TV from across the room, we have to walk all the way over to it, remove the remote from its handy holster, then use it.

I'm just sayin'. It's called a "remote" for a reason.

Moving on.

Do we not have any OTHER photos of Kalid Sheik Mohammed ?

I call this one "Manscape 911".

In national news, I just read on Fox News that a guy who claimed to be a ninja impaled himself on a fence. Quote:

"Police spokeswoman Renee Witt wrote in a department Web site posting that officers thought the man might have been involved in a reported assault, but he insisted he was just a ninja trying to clear a 4- to 5-foot-tall fence.

Witt says the man was "overconfident in his abilities," and that alcohol likely played a role."

Awesome.

Finally, I need to address this whole Levi Johnston posing for Playgirl brou-ha-ha.

"He's going totally nude" "Now he's not" "Now he is".

For the love of Ray J, WHO THE CRAP CARES ABOUT LEVI JOHNSTON.

Bristol Palin-humpin', chubby cheek-havin', townie sellout tool.

And then it started to bug me: Who does he remind me of?

"That's whack, yo."

Weekend LOL Video

2009-11-14T17:25:00.002-05:00

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I just think this is hilarious and some of you won't but it's my blog.

Ray Amsley's Self Defense - watch more funny videos

The One Where The Kid Walks In On Us

2009-11-09T13:54:00.000-05:00

Holy Mother of God.

I really never thought this day would come.

We've been locking the bedroom door for 13 years.

THIRTEEN YEARS, people.......Thirteen years that, while rife with interruptions ("Mom? Mommy? Mom? Where are you? Mom? Mom! MOM!!").......have never experienced a security breach. Until Saturday.

This? was a security fail of epic proportions.

Apparently my husband in his - retardation enthusiasm - turned the lock in the door handle but didn't shut it completely so the latch never engaged.

Fast forward to Repertoire Move #4.5, Stage II and cue 9 year old.......in full bust-in mode - no knock, just BAM! -door open -

and the next 20 seconds are a jumble in my mind - I know I yelled "JEEEEZUSSS!!!!!" and flew off the bed knocking my husband backwards with a Neo from The Matrix sideways slo-mo dive only without guns. And naked.

The 9 year old ducks back out trying to process the image that is now seared into her brain for all eternity, while I do the only logical thing, which is to repeatedly punch my husband in the shoulder screaming "ASShole!"

So now the world as we know it has ended, my daughter is struggling with all the possible meanings of what she saw, I'm frantically trying to come up with explanations - We were kissing??? We were wrestling???? Daddy was helping me apply self-tanner???.....

and my husband, because I can always count on him to lead this family in moments of crisis, says,

"So....... can we keep going?"

Weekend LOL Video

2009-11-07T10:38:00.000-05:00

An oldie but a goodie.......

Kid has a totally awesome freakout over his mom cancelling his "World of Warcraft" video game account.

Apparently I'm Not a Carrot.

2009-11-02T16:22:00.002-05:00

Yeah, I didn't know what a "carrot" is either.

Turns out, it's an attractive runner in flattering run-wear that, theoretically, would be motivating for the male runner to follow, like a horse following a carrot.

So. Backing up. I ran a 5K Saturday with my daughter for charity.

And I wore this:

And I'm all proud of myself and exhausted but feeling pretty badass for completing it and my friend Sharon pulls up in the car next to me and rolls down her window.

Sharon: Hey! Good job! You guys made a pretty good time!

Me: Thanks!

Sharon: But yeah- we need to talk about your running gear.

Me: What-this?

Sharon: Yeah, the baggy sweatshirt and sweatpants and 2 pounds of keys?

Me: Not so much?

Sharon: No. Not very aerodynamic. I'm taking you to TJ Maxx.

I'm thinking my look is more "eggplant."

My Scary Halloween Vlog

2009-10-30T13:03:00.002-04:00

Sleepwalking Pills

2009-10-26T15:46:00.002-04:00

So I complained to my doctor about a month ago that I'm having trouble sleeping, he prescribes me "Zolpidem" and of course I don't read the instructions.

Which are mostly warning you not to take the pill til you're in bed.

So I take it while I'm still at my computer, fall asleep sitting up, get woken up by my daughter, and walk into a wall.

I tell my mom the story and she's all: "It's not Ambien, is it? Because people do weird things on Ambien." and I'm all "No, no, no - it's Zolpidem."

Which upon closer scrutiny of the package insert today, is the generic name for Ambien.

So I finally read the insert and check THIS out: Here are some of the things you might do and not remember the next day:

"Sleep-driving" and having sex.

Dude. If I'm getting up in the middle of the night to drive somewhere and have sex, I better damn well remember it.

Weekend LOL Video

2009-10-24T09:08:00.000-04:00

This actual convenience store video has been making the rounds the past couple of weeks....but you haven't seen it til you've seen this "silent film-ized" version:

Thanks to my awesome reader Katie for the link.

GPS System Seeks New Owner

2009-10-22T10:14:00.006-04:00

You know how it sucks to have a boss that's a know-it-all retard and never listens to your suggestions?

That's how my car GPS feels about me.

GPS: "In about 1 mile, bear right onto...US...Route 1 South."
Me: That makes no sense.
GPS: "In about 500 feet..bear right onto US...Route 1 South."
Me: Screw that.
GPS: "Please bear right."
Me: Shut up.
GPS: "Please make a legal U-turn, if possible."
Me: Just relax. I know what I'm doing.
GPS: (auto re-routing) "Christ."
Me: WHAT??!!!
GPS: "I said "Christ". Now I have to freakin' re-route you AGAIN."
Me: I've lived here for 3 years. This is NOT the quickest way to the mall.
GPS: "My brain is a digital map of the entire country based on a satellite in SPACE. Bitch."
Me: Your MOTHER is a satellite.
GPS: "Please turn right."
Me: What?
GPS: "There's a gym up here. You need that more than the mall."
Me: Brrrring! Hello? It's for you: It's Al Gore: he wants his personality back.
GPS: "1992 called: it wants its haircut back."
Me: Google Earth wants you to stop stalking him on Facebook.
GPS: "You have arrived at your destination."
Me: What?
GPS: "Right there - Weight Watchers of Chester County."
Me: BodylessAnnoyingDouchebagSaysWhat?
GPS: "What?"
Me: Ha. Where the f*ck am I.

Weekend LOL Video

2009-10-17T23:23:00.002-04:00

This video is more just straight-up awesome than LOL.

As far as I can tell, people fall into 2 categories: The people who say "I wish I worked there", and the people who say "I wouldn't want to be the one paying these guys' salaries"

Which one are you?

Quiz: What Am I Doing In This Picture?

2009-10-13T20:12:00.000-04:00

Time's up.

Because unless you guessed

"removing my friend Susan's dead guinea pig from her kitchen counter that just seized up and died in front of 2 of her children sending her rushing the distraught children into the car to make it to sports on time then texting me while I'm at karate that holy crap her 3rd child is about to arrive home to find said rodent all: "hello- I'm dead" next to the fruit bowl",

you guessed wrong.

It's Twitter Recap Time....

2009-10-11T20:39:00.000-04:00

You guys. I have 1,013 followers on Twitter!!!!!

You know what that means???!!!!!

Only 1,358,572 more to go 'til I have as many as Dooce. W00t!

So! Let's get started with TWITTER RECAP, a.k.a. "What you've missed lately not following me on Twitter." And the answer is, 'nothing earth-shattering, but it's Sunday night and I don't have a blog post idea.'

(For the Twitless, Twitter is a social networking site where you type in short observations in 140 characters or less.)

8 year old: "Mom....Mom....Mom..." Me: "Stop saying 'Mom'!" Her: "Sue...."

4:58 PM Aug 26th from Twhirl

OK Facebook, enough with the quizzes. Toilet paper roll: Over vs. Under? Really?

10:58 AM Aug 27th from web

What is it about Costco that turns husbands into über-shoppers? is it the large sizes? My jug of ketchup is bigger than your jug of ketchup.

12:43 PM Aug 29th from web

FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL!!!!!!!!! *** doing carpet angels****

10:22AM Aug 31st from twhirl

The best time to ask your husband if you can buy the $1500 imac is when he's in his car with clients and you're on speakerphone.

11:31AM Sep 2nd from twhirl

Michael Jackson's only getting buried today? Ew.

10:18 AM Sep 3rd from Twhirl

Yo, Tuesday, Ima let you finish but Saturday is like the best day of all time.

6:12 PM Sep 15th from twhirl

God what was I thinking letting husband and 8 y.o. go to Petsmart together for dog food. Am proud new owner of a dwarf hamster. Arrrrgh.

4:28 PM Sep 19th from twhirl

8 year old: "Remember that bank that had a tube that shot lollipops thru the car window?" Me: "I think you're remembering that wrong."

10:34 AM Sep 20th from twhirl

"Honey your hamster can't be pregnant cuz she's not married." 8 year old: "Some teenagers get pregnant when they're not married..." Thanks, Jamie-Lynn.

2:21 PM Sep 21st from twhirl

Isn't it awkward when Facebook is suggesting u friend someone and probably suggesting they friend u but neither of you will do it?

3:18 PM Sep 22nd from twhirl

It's too late to weigh myself this morning. I've already had tea.

6:57 AM Sep 23rd from twhirl

File under "I Don't Wanna Know": Dog puked, I went to get papertowels, came back and it's gone.

12:20 PM Sep 24th from twhirl

Husband who knows I'm a football retard: "Who're you for?" Me: "The....Atlanta Braves." Him: "Well I don't think they're gonna win."

10:21 PM Sep 27th from twhirl

Well that's embarrassing. The Atlanta Braves just re-tweeted my tweet about thinking they were a football team.

11:21 PM Sep 27th from twhirl

8 year olds: Smart enough to fake being sick, but not smart enough to keep it up past 10AM.

12:38 PM Sep 30th from twhirl

GAH. Succumbed to Target's evil brainwashing rays. Spent $320 when all I needed was a tea kettle.

4:26 PM Oct 2nd from twhirl.

UGH. My personal trainer cancelled cuz he's hungover. The downsides of him being 25 are starting to outweigh the upsides.

1:04 PM Oct. 6th from twhirl

Gosh I just can't get enough of the word 'spooktacular' in October.

8:05 AM Oct 9th from twhirl

Really sorry, but if you use the default ring for your cellphone, I judge you.

10:15 AM Oct 9th from twhirl

Just made a "Days Til Taylor Lautner Turns 18" countdown widget for my Twilight blog. So, productive day.

12:46 PM Oct 9th from twhirl

This just in from The Moon: "WTF???????!!!!!!"

10:31 AM Oct 9th from twhirl

Follow me or you won't know what I'm doing.

Weekend LOL Video

2009-10-09T13:32:00.000-04:00

"Darth Vader Being a Jerk"

Just a thought

2009-10-08T20:48:00.000-04:00

This is the money I could be saving

If I cancelled the gym membership to the gym that I haven't been to since April.

Top 10 Things I'd Rather Be Doing Than Having Sex With David Letterman

2009-10-06T13:45:00.000-04:00

#10. Watching my husband use his neti pot.

#9. Reading about how much money Dooce makes.

#8. Applying for a license replacement at the DMV with only 1 form of I.D.

#7. Trying to explain my computer problem to Dell phone support.

#6. Cleaning up kid vomit. The cherry-flavor Motrin kind.

#5. Having to retrieve something from the disposal with gunk still in there.

#4. Attending school Bingo night without having wine first.

#3. Driving behind Captain Slow & Careful when I'm already late.

#2. Trying on bathing suits in any store with light bulbs.

and the #1 Thing I'd Rather be Doing Than Having Sex With David Letterman:

Having sex with Jay Leno.

Comment of the Day

2009-10-02T09:42:00.006-04:00

I always know something's up when the comment that arrives in my email is from a post written 2 months ago.

So this morning I get a comment regarding my August 9th post, "The Ice Cream Truck":

Ernie Fidanza said...

Having an ice cream makes people very at heart.. Most people feels excited when they hear the tune from the ice cream truck.. Makes them to scream for an ice cream..

OCTOBER 2, 2009 3:26 AM

OK, this warrants some investigating, no doubt. As we learned from Oliver/Wilson, when it comes to bizarre comments, where there's smoke, there's fire.

So I click on Ernie Fidanza's link and - no shocker here - Ernie has a fleet of ice cream trucks for hire.

You don't need to go there, I'll just give you a sampling of the persuasive salesman that is Ernie Fidanza:

"I mean everybody loves ice cream; it brings out the kid in us. Or it does me anyway."

"Our goal is to have everyone leave with a smile and a spot of ice cream on your shirt."

"The days of selling ice cream from converted post office or bread vans are numbered. "

Who can argue with that? I hate getting my ice cream from a converted post office.

Sell on, Ernie Fidanza.......

Oops I just realized I didn't give you a graphic for this post.

Here:

Ghosts, Goblins and Sluts

2009-09-29T16:06:00.000-04:00

Here is my question.

When exactly did Halloween become "Dress Like a Whore" Day.

I took my 12 and 9 year old daughters to one of those "pop-up" Halloween stores yesterday, and since the tween is now too big for the kids' section, we browsed the adult section.

Holy ho-bags.

Do they have a nurse costume? No. Slutty nurse? Sure.

Angel? No. Slutty angel? You bet.

Slutty leprechaun, slutty referee, slutty cop, slutty devil, slutty girl scout, slutty schoolgirl, slutty Dorothy, slutty nun and even slutty gardener.

Slutty gardener?

Plus there's a whole section of clear stripper heels, vinyl boots, fishnets and thigh-highs. I guess the slutty gardener would lose some street cred sporting flowered gardening clogs from Smith & Hawkins.

(this is where the gardener's knee pads comment goes but I'm obstaining...)

Anyways.

All I'm saying is - they're only children. And as the parent, it is up to you to choose something classic and appropriate.

Like I did for my 9 year old.

Weekend LOL Video

2009-09-26T10:35:00.000-04:00

I had not one but TWO separate readers email me this video to use this weekend.

So, by request:

Dental Warrior

2009-09-24T15:40:00.000-04:00

When I was a child, I had Lucifer as a dentist.

And my mother will tell you that absolutely was not his name. And I will tell her AGAIN that maybe his "Earthly pretend name" was something else, but it absolutely was The Dark Lord, Satan, Voldemort, whatever.

And he would drill our cavities WITHOUT NOVACAINE.

I really should have like a tooth tattoo with teardrops and "Never Forget" on my bicep so people "get" me.

So NOW to get a CLEANING I need to be drugged up on Xanax or I'll start having post-traumatic stress flashbacks worse than a Viet Nam vet.

So I go in today and the whole office treats me like a mental patient, and kind of herds me around like an elephant that's been shot with a tranquilizer gun.

But look! I did it. And I got a sticker.

Yay, me.

Pimping This Other Blog For Eternal Life

2009-09-21T17:14:00.000-04:00

People ask me all the time, "If you were stranded on a desert island and could only bring ONE blog, which one would it be?"

OK people never ask me that. But I will tell you anyway.

They do ask me which Jonas brother I would bring- Joe, obviously - stupid question.

Duh.

So right now some of you are thinking "Why would you tell people to go to someone else's blog?" - to which I have a 3-part answer.

#1. I live to make my readers happy.

#2. If he becomes a super-famous writer he'll probably take me along to his Ellen and Today Show appearances because after all I wrote a post about him which catapulted him onto the Forbes list and is the reason he's dated all 3 of the Kardashian sisters.

OR ....

#3. What if it's Jesus. You know, pretending to be "one of us" like in that Joan Osborne song and I come along and out of the kindness of my heart tell all my readers about his blog and then he's all:

"Behold! Blessed be the glorious soul who went forth and proclaimed my greatness on the interwebs." and I'd get, like, everlasting life and a miracle boob lift.

So.

My favorite blog:

Go. Laugh. Subscribe. You're Welcome.

The Monster Apathy

Weekend LOL Video

2009-09-18T09:03:00.000-04:00

The best reason to have a nanny-cam:

Supersize Me

2009-09-16T22:15:00.000-04:00

OK. I hate to cook. There it is.

Hate it, hate it, hate the mess, hate the cleanup, hate all of it.

When you look up my blogger profile you won't find that my other blog is "Happy Hour Sue In The Kitchen!". (but do feel free to enjoy "Inappropriate Twilight Obsession".

So every time my husband goes away on business, I take a cooking vacation. Culinary outsourcing. EVERY time. Lazy, party of 1. 'Cause that's how I roll.

Whether it's one night or five, you're more likely to find a pygmy stripper playing Dance Dance Revolution in my kitchen than a warm fry pan.

(whoa- I can't seem to shake that visual...)

Anyway. Of course I always get busted when my husband calls.

Husband: Hey! What're you guys doing?
Me: Oh you know, same old.- Gettin' ready for dinner...
Husband: Yeah? What's for dinner?
Me: What?
Husband: What's for dinner?
Me: Don't let the dog get that!!! Sorry. Stupid dog.
Husband: What're you making?
Me: Oh! Tonight? The kids wanted Taco Bell....
Husband: Didn't you do Burger King last night?
Me: What?
Husband: Didn't you just have Burger King?
Me: What? No. Oh! Yeah. We were out.
Husband: Out?
Me: Yeah. Out....getting Burger King.
Husband: (sighs) Are they getting ANY vegetables this week?
Me: Totally. Monday we had Subway.
Husband: Collin has onions, Lorelei likes it plain and Brie has bacon.
Me: Oh shoot! The toilet's overflowing!
Husband: Just make 'em some pasta or something tomorrow...
Me: Right. Or pizza. Probably pasta. Italian for sure.

Random

2009-09-15T12:12:00.000-04:00

So I've been getting a lot of comments lately like "You should post more often", to which I usually respond with the standard "Your MOTHER should post more often."

Which always endears me to my readers.

So I asked some people if I should just post random unrelated crap if I don't have a full post to write and they said "What? Oh, sorry- I was reading Dooce's very long and well-written post."

So, Random Crap:
*******************************

This? Is RETARDED.

**************************************

Yesterday I overheard my 8 year old say to her friend, "You don't know Rolling Stone MAGAZINE???? The Rolling Stones were the best band ever and they have their own magazine that makes fun of the president."

*************************************

On Friday I asked my tween to help me with some dance songs for my party and she goes, "So, like from 2002 right?" then posted this on Facebook:

**********************************************

When I went to search Google for a funny .gif I saw of Robert Pattinson sneezing for my Twilight blog, the first result was a Sneeze Fetish forum. One of the posters said "I think that photo is a cough but I'm letting my imagination run wild." and if you don't believe me go here.

***********(are these stars or snowflakes?**********

And lastly, if you haven't seen it, more hilarity thanks to Kanye West:

Remember September 11th

2009-09-11T06:05:00.002-04:00

Do you remember what you were doing?