Your Face is a Sports Blog

Brock Lesnar apologizes for crushing store clerk's larynx after winning free Slushie

2009-07-15T20:56:00.000-07:00

MINNEAPOLIS - UFC Heavyweight Champion Brock Lesnar apologized on Wednesday night for breaking the larynx of a Holiday Stationstores clerk and causing more than $75,000 in damage after what he called "an excessive celebration" after he received a winning game piece for a free Slushie during a store promotion.

"Man, when I get pumped up sometimes I don't know what I'm doing," Lesnar said at a press conference. "That's just the competitor I am."

Security cameras showed that upon peeling off the winning ticket from the wrapper of the corn dog he purchased early Wednesday morning, Lesnar proceeded to "get in the face" of store clerk Farooq Gilani, shouting obsecenities at him while giving him the "middle finger." When Gilani attempted to turn away to continue cleaning the beer section of the store, Lesnar grabbed him by the throat and attempted to force the whole corn dog down his mouth, with his vice-like grip crushing Gilani's neck in the process. Gilani is in fair condition at Minnesota General Hospital.

Minneapolis police spokesman Sgt. Craig McDonald said Lesnar continued his celebration by breaking every bottle of Budweiser and Bud Light beer in the store, throwing the cash register through the front window and "committing vile sexual acts" with a Tollhouse Ice Cream Sandwich. He then went back to the gas pumps and filled the garbage cans with gasoline before setting them ablaze and driving off, with the resulting series of explosions being felt as far as three blocks away.

Sgt. McDonald said that while the acts were "heinous and horrific," the fact that Lesnar has apologized and pledged to pay restitution have led police to not charge him in the case.

"He expressed true remorse, even vowing to give his free Slushie coupon to Mr. Gilani's family, which I think shows what a good person Brock Lesnar is at heart," Sgt. McDonald said. "Plus, did you see the way he totally caved in Frank Mir's face last weekend? That was so freakin' awesome. MINNESOTA GOLDEN GOPHERS RULE!"

UFC President Dana White also appeared at the press conference, and said that while he's "extremely disappointed" in Lesnar's actions, he won't be suspended.

"Brock knows what he did is wrong, and I think the $1,000 fine we sent down sends a clear message," he said. "Plus, it's not like he led cops on a wild car chase and crashed into a pregnant woman. And if anyone feels he didn't get what he deserved, you can watch him fight the winner of the Randy Couture vs. Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira at UFC 105 this November and see if he gets what he deserves."

Kyle Boller wonders if ESPN would cover his funeral like they did with Steve McNair

2009-07-10T15:50:00.000-07:00

WESTLAKE VILLAGE, CA – While watching the memorial service for Steve McNair on Thursday, Kyle Boller asked several friends at his home in suburban Los Angeles if they thought ESPN would offer live coverage of his funeral if he died under shocking circumstances.

“I don’t mean suicide or anything like that, but maybe if I was shot in some sort of home invasion robbery,” said Boller to several people gathered in his game room. “Or maybe in a botched hold-up at a 7-11 late one night after he made a run to pick up a Slurpee for his wife. Yeah, that would probably do it!”

Boller, was drafted in the first round by Baltimore Ravens in 2003, but was considered a bust and eventually lost his starting job to McNair. He is currently competing for a job as a back-up with the St. Louis Rams.

“I’m not saying I want to die or anything like that, but I’m just wondering what would happen,” said Boller. “They’d probably carry the funeral in Philadelphia live, right?”

Friends who were gathered at Boller’s house were surprised and confused by his comments.

“We were sitting around with McNair’s memorial service on, and he just came out of nowhere with this,” said John McNamara, a high school teammate of Boller’s. “At first I thought he was joking, but he kept bringing it up the rest of the day. It was creepy.”

While at lunch with his friends at a nearby Arby’s, Boller mentioned that he thought about joining the Army “like Pat Tillman” and later asked if anyone was interested in watching “Brian’s Song.”

“I didn’t have the heart to tell him that no matter what, they wouldn’t show his funeral on ESPN,” McNamara said. “Maybe the Los Angeles Daily News would put it on their front page if he did something heroic, like save the President’s life by stopping a terrorist plot, but that’s about it.”

Michael Jackson and the military have everything to do with dead French tennis players

2009-07-08T10:18:00.001-07:00

Remember all the hubbub a while back regarding tennis and gambling? Yeah, I don't really either, but it seems one of the players involved, Frenchman Mathieu Montcourt was found dead yesterday by his girlfriend.

I won't lie and say I know who he was. I had never heard of the guy before yesterday, and never would have if I hadn't reached the end of the internet.

Regardless, the story is interesting, and there's something a bit fishy about the young man's death. 24 year old tennis players don't just keel over, but that's neither here nor there.

After quickly reading through the article, I broke my #1 rule of the internet and scrolled down, down, down, to the bottom of the web's barrel, the comments section. The land of morons, BILLY MAYS, and grade A, top choice douchebaggery.

The comments certainly didn't disappoint.

Halfway down the page was where I noticed the first mention of Michael Jackson, and from there, I was hooked. I had no choice but to put on my online haz-mat suit, and ignore the bile rising in the back of my throat.

I don't encourage anyone, not even my worst enemy (you know who you are, you sack of shit,) to venture into the depths of the internet where the bullshit flows (much like here) and the English language is treated not unlike Jeffrey Dahmer's nether regions during his prison stay, so I've taken the liberty of featuring the best of the best from yesterday's article on the death of a French tennis player. Prepare to be sic:

"Actually, Kobe, judges (hence the name), juries, the media, regular everyday people, dogs, cats and other mammals all judge. God is simply the FINAL judge but He goes on what the rest of us say. Just like your namesake who is an adulterer, a cheat and a liar. We have passed judgement, God now has the info thanks to us and when Kobe goes before Him he will have to answer to why everyone outside of L.A. finds him repulsive. And God will say, "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!!!" Canaaaa, we can only hope your boyfriend finds YOU dead in a stairwell. Peace."

"I too find the death of this young tennis player unfortunate and sad. However, Michael Jackson was a great entertainer for some but not all of us. But what cannot be denied regarding Jackson was that he was a weird individual with his facial surgery, skin bleaching, dangling an infant from a balcony, and most of all his penchant for young children.

If Jackson had been an ordinary individual he would have been convicted as a child molester. Because of his celebrity status he walked and one of the jurors even attended his party that evening. I am not saddened by his death though I am saddened by cultures which worship such individuals who have so little in the way of character."

"and about a 1/2 dozen soldiers died in afghanastan yesterday . . . wonder what THEIR names were, and how THEIR friends and families feel about THEIR respective losses . . ."

"this is america. if your not a celebrity it doesnt matter if you pass. even if you pass fighting for everyones freedom. america has become a huge joke. let barack obama decide how much energy we can use, let barack obama ration off your families health care. we all will just cry rivers for michael jackson for months"

"this guy sucks he bet 3 whole $ wow thats tons of money but whAt he baught with that extra cash i sprobly what he OD on and MICHEAL JACKSON IS A @#$% y r we mourning the loss of a child molester?"

"one does not need first hand experience only credible and reliable media sources which were in abundance in their fair coverage of Jackson's trial where the testimony of others was presented. Spare me the skepticism. Jackson was a molester and used his celebrity status, his expensive lawyers, and a stacked jury to secure a "not guilty" verdict. (The same with O.J. Simpson). Look at the spectacle of having a juror attend a party for Jackson. It was a farce and he was a guilty pervert. I do not regret the passing of the circus freak one iota."

I don't know what the hell they're talking about and I don't really want to. The only surprise is not seeing n****r somewhere in there. My brain hurts.

ESPN Classic viewer can’t believe they’re still showing “Cheap Seats” reruns

2009-06-30T23:41:00.000-07:00

MILWAUKEE – IT specialist Dan Hopkins “couldn’t fucking believe” that ESPN Classic was showing a rerun of “Cheap Seats” when he turned on his TV early Tuesday morning, according to co-workers at Comericon Bank.

“Honestly, ESPN has to have, what, a million hours of programming in their archives,” Hopkins told friends Wednesday afternoon at work. “And the best they could find was ‘Cheap Seats?’ They couldn’t throw on a college football game from 1987, or some old NFL draft coverage from 1996? Unfuckingbelievable.”

“Cheap Seats” was a sports comedy show hosted by the Sklar Brothers that ran on ESPN Classic from 2004 to 2006. Similar in tone to the cult favorite “Mystery Science Theater 3000,” the show featured the hosts riffing on old sports clips.

“I mean, it would be one thing if the show was still on the air,” Hopkins told several people over lunch. “But it’s been off the air for three years. Three years!”

Hopkins had turned on the TV at 12:30 a.m. after returning home from a late-night server installation. It had been on ESPN Classic from the previous evening, and he was apparently “dumbfounded” to find “Cheap Seats” on the screen.

“The last thing I expected was to see the god damned Sklar Brothers smirking at me at 12:30 in the morning,” Hopkins said. “And it came on during one of those awful sketches they used to do – you know, the ones that had all of their ‘alternative’ comedy friends being smug and unfunny. Christ.”

Hopkins’ amazement was compounded when he saw on the cable program guide that a second episode of “Cheap Seats” was scheduled immediately after the one he was watching.

“Two episodes?,” he screamed to himself. “You have got to be shitting me. Seriously. And it’s not even a real episode – it’s some shitty spoof of the ‘Inside Sportscenter” specials they used to do. Wonky, self-referential bullshit! Really?”

When a co-worker asked him why he didn’t change the channel, Hopkins said it was an improvement over “watching Sportscenter again or another World Series of Poker rerun from 2004.”

Holyfield rope-a-doping foreclosure?

2009-06-26T10:42:00.000-07:00

Evander "Real Deal" Holyfield is fighting another battle, this time out of the ring. Like millions of hard-working Americans, the former heavyweight champion is facing foreclosure on his Atlanta home.

Reached by the Associated Press, Holyfield had little to say, save for "it will be worked out."

How an over the hill, punch drunk fighter with no prospects and little cash flow will manage to magically make a defaulted $10 million loan current in just a few weeks is a mystery to the financial institutions involved. However, according to sources inside Holyfield's camp who requested anonymity due to the sensitive, yet high profile nature of the foreclosure proceedings, the man who once lost half his ear to Mike Tyson and epically battled Riddick Bowe still has some fight left in him, and the perfect strategy to take down his latest foe.

His children.

Apparently, after catching Liam Neeson's "Taken" in the dollar theater, Holyfield became convinced his children and the sex trade would be a winning combination. Our source outlined the financial gains Holyfield could make by selling his children to the highest, perverted, depraved bidder:

"Evander may look and sound a bit slow these days, but he still has it all put together upstairs. He's well aware his lack of profitable fights these last, oh, ten years, is an issue. A huge issue. However, he also knows the dozen or so child support payments he must make every month are an equally sizable anchor in dragging him to financial ruin. If he's able to rid himself of those horrible payments AND make some money on top of that? It's a win-win."

The former champion is hoping the silent auction for the services of his children held on the courthouse steps hours before he's scheduled to lose his home will be enough to stave off his creditors and make him whole again.

Only time will tell if the "Real Deal" can muster another knockout punch.

Nadal, vagina, getting much-needed rest

2009-06-22T08:57:00.000-07:00

Wimbledon kicked off yesterday, this year without the defending champion as part of the action. Citing a knee injury, Rafael Nadal withdrew from the tournament and erased any chance of a rematch of last year's epic final with Roger Federer.

Nadal explained Friday at the All England Club, "I'm just not 100 percent. I'm better than I was a couple of weeks ago but I just don't feel ready."

Shocking as it is to hear a proud champion and favorite to win the most prestigious tennis tournament hang up his racket without so much as a fight, Your Face is a Sports Blog has learned the truth behind Nadal's withdrawal, the real reason he will not compete in his finest whites on the hallowed ground of the All England Club.

A source close to the decision to rest the injury who spoke on condition of anonymity explained in great detail the highly sensitive situation regarding not Nadal's knee, but vagina. Nadal recently visited Dr. Delores Mulva of Ohaiman Gynecology in London, England for what was originally deemed a "routine wellness check."

However, upon hearing Nadal complain of lethargy and an overall feeling of discomfort, Dr. Mulva immediately recommended Nadal be shut down until further testing could be administered. Having received his test results Friday morning, Nadal had no choice but to withdraw his name from Wimbledon competition and a chance to defend his title.

Word of Dr. Mulva's "sandy vagina" diagnosis has begun to slowly make its way around the All England Club. The whispers will no doubt increase a great deal as the fortnight draws to a close.

What brought this ailment on Nadal? How could the Spaniard have prevented it? Did his love for clay play a part in its severity?

Nadal is currently in seclusion and undergoing what Dr. Mulva characterized as "a deep and complete cleansing process." The Spaniard will certainly show his true grit and come out of this trying time fresher and ready to embrace all comers but until then, we're left with more questions than answers.

Tiger Woods has leg shattered in attempt to "get back to 2008 form"

2009-06-21T22:52:00.000-07:00

Tiger Woods instructed longtime caddy Steve Williams to smash his surgically repaired left leg and knee late Sunday night in a last-ditch effort to regain the form that saw him win the U.S. Open last year. The reversal of the surgery for a broken leg and torn ACL was deemed “a success” by Woods as he hobbled from the locker rooms at Bethpage Black ahead of Monday’s rain-delayed final round.

“Right now I feel good; and by that I mean in tremendous pain,” said Woods after Williams slammed a sledgehammer into his leg several times in the restroom at the Bethpage Black clubhouse. “I know I needed to do something to get back to where I was last year if I want to have any chance to defend my title, so this is the gameplan we’ve come up with.”

Woods won last year’s tournament at Torrey Pines while playing through excruciating pain from his leg injuries, and immediately had surgery that caused him to miss eight months of action. He finished play on Sunday 10 shots out of the lead with 15 holes to play, a situation that Woods said demanding “desperate measures.”

Golf Channel analyst Frank Nobilo said that Woods’ willingness to have a crippling injury inflicted on himself just showed his legendary competitive spirit.

“How many other players in the world would be willing to endure such abject pain in order to give himself a chance to pull off an improbable comeback?,” Nobilo said. “It just shows that inside this champion lies the heart of a masochist – and inside that heart is a masochistic champion.”

Best-selling author John Feinstein also speculated that Woods’ actions might have a psychological impact on the other players in the field.

“I’m sure that they could hear the sickening thud of sledgehammer against bone and flesh and Woods’ bloodcurdling scream in the locker room as they were ready to leave for the night,” Feinstein said. “That certainly gives the other players something to think about as they sleep tonight. When Tiger Woods is crippling himself in order to win a championship, everyone knows it.”

My cover letter for the USC basketball job

2009-06-19T00:11:00.000-07:00

June 19, 2009
Heritage Hall
University of Southern California
Los Angeles, CA

Dear Mr. Garrett,

I am writing to express my interest in the head men’s basketball coach position currently advertised by USC on your Web site. Although my basketball experience is limited to covering the sport as a reporter and watching games by myself at the Hooters down the street, I believe that I possess the management skills and leadership qualities needed to take the men’s basketball program to the next level.

After analyzing your current situation, I believe you need a men’s basketball head coach with high moral character to serve as a “figurehead” for your organization. One of the primary purposes of a head coach is to hire a well-qualified core of assistants who – from what I gather – essentially handle the day-to-day operations and coaching of the team while the head coach oversees operations.

I have more than eight years in business management, where I have learned to effectively delegate duties while watching YouTube clips of old sports events from my closed office. I feel this more than qualifies me for the duties of the position. In addition, I possess the highest moral fiber, along with the common sense to avoid all pictures of me puking in the back of dive bars or doing something totally outrageous – such as handing over big bags of cash to an agent representing a star player. I have the common sense and acumen to develop an elaborate series of intermediaries and “boosters” to create an arms-length distance between the program and the university.

As a USC graduate, I understand and respect the tradition of USC basketball, having watched the team almost qualify for several NIT tournaments while I attended games at the Sports Arena. I understand that the program may be facing several hardships in upcoming years. As someone who makes a living writing, I can assure you that I am used to doing a lot with very little.

Best,
Richard Manfredi

Ricky Rubio ≠ Pete Maravich

2009-06-18T14:24:00.001-07:00

Ah, the NBA Draft. The time of year when using terms like long length, motor, wingspan, and tremendous upside potential somehow won't earn you a punch in the face and a kick in the balls. While made up out of thin air phrases and others of their ilk are bad enough, they are merely the tip of a deep, bile-inducing iceberg.

It's never enough for an analyst to throw a dart at his board of cliches and senseless terms, regurgitating tired cliches and lame brained insight. A comparison must always be made. An incoming player must be similar to a player we have already seen perform on the court. A frame of reference must be given, or the drool will drip down our chins and our pants will become soiled.

Invariably, these comparisons revolve more around the looks (skin color in particular) and build of the players being used as opposed to their actual, you know, basketball ability.

My personal favorite has always been Deron Williams and Jason Kidd. Coming out of Illinois after a memorable comeback win over the Arizona Wildcats in the Elite Eight (choke on it, Wildcats,) I know Williams certainly reminded me of Jason Kidd. Point guard, big and strong, interracial, and, ummm, what else was there?

Oh, that's right. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Their skills on the court never compared. Two great players, with totally different skill sets. But hey, they're both kinda white AND kinda black. Mark it down! Let's do another!

This year's best example is Ricky Rubio and the breathless praise he's receiving in comparison with Pistol Pete Maravich. Rubio is similar in size and build to Pistol Pete. He's also not black. Remember, that sort of thing is important in this sort of exercise of outright stupidity. And he has floppy hair. And a schnozz bigger than mine. HE'S JUST LIKE PISTOL PETE!

Except he's not.

Maravich was known for his offensive ability, insane ball-handling skills, and showmanship. While Rubio can certainly pass the ball with flair, his outside shot is suspect at best, and he's known more for his defensive ability than anything else. Rubio's offensive game will never be mistaken for the flash and output of Maravich's, and Pistol Pete's defensive mindset would never, ever have been called lockdown.

It's easy to compare guys on looks alone but it's rarely right. Sure, Zaza Pachulia and Pau Gasol are European, tall, and have faces only their mothers could love, but you would never mistake one for the other on the court. The same can be said for Deron Williams and Jason Kidd, and Ricky Rubio and Pete Maravich (save for the u-g-l-y part.)

-if you read this and realized you've nodded your head in agreement to a Rubio/Maravich comparison in the past, go ahead and punch yourself in the balls or whathaveyou

USC women's soccer coach files Title IX suit against Yahoo! Sports

2009-06-16T19:16:00.001-07:00

USC women's soccer coach Ali Khosroshahin filed a Title IX lawsuit against Yahoo! Sports on Tuesday, claiming the online news site had engaged in "gross gender inequity" by refusing to report on massive recruiting violations by the Women of Troy's team.

“It’s absolutely unfair that our football and men’s basketball teams have been getting all of this publicity, when we’re breaking just as many NCAA rules and not getting any attention from Yahoo! Sports,” Khosroshahin said during a sparsely-attended press conference at Heritage Hall to announce the lawsuit.

“Seriously, the things we’re doing here makes Tim Floyd look like Mother Teresa,” Khosroshahin said as he held up a stack of receipts detailing illegal payments of cash, car and male strippers to USC women’s soccer recruits. “Hello? Anyone interested?”

Responding to Khosroshahin’s charges, Yahoo! Sports editor Jay Robinski said that the while the organization was aware of the massive violations taking place within the USC women’s soccer program, it was a “secondary concern.”

“We had a pretty good idea something was going on when we received a large packet of evidence from USC with including incriminating pictures, videos and a signed confession from Coach Khosroshahin,” Robinski said. “But to be honest, there are just more pressing concerns happening with USC right now. I mean, we just got word that (USC football coach) Pete Carroll might have jaywalked while crossing the street to see a USC football recruit play in 2006. Why hasn’t the NCAA investigated this yet?”

Khosroshahin said that if the lawsuit did not succeed, he would be forced to “ramp up” plans to gain recognition for the Women of Troy, the 2007 national champions.

“You know what they say – all publicity is good publicity,” Khosroshahin said as he held up a massive bag of what was believed to be HGH.

...And We're Back

2009-06-16T11:40:00.000-07:00

…and we’re back.

As you might have noticed, we’re been away for a little while. Long enough that you could almost fit an entire NBA Playoff schedule in there. For those of you who were worried, we didn’t pull some sort of Stanley Wilson-style coke binge and go missing from the face of the Earth (we’re not rank amateurs – we can handle our drugs).

The truth is, Your Face became a victim of its own success. Both fknmclane and I were able to parlay the fame and notoriety we gained from our writing here into gigs for other, more respectable sites. That paid. Real money, not just “the respect and admiration of our readers,” which is nice and all, but doesn’t pay for the 12-pack of Miller High Life we need to get through the day.

But here’s the thing: writing for other people might pay (some), but it’s not the same as writing for Your Face. Writing for other sites is about creating content that drives page views, meaning “see if you can write more about Erin Andrews;” writing for Your Face is about coming up with things that make us laugh, and hopefully you as well. And finding new ways to call Shaq fat. Because he’s just enormous.

So we’re back, and we plan on being here for the long haul. Unless we get a better offer. Or our wives tell us to stop.
McLane didn't have much to add, which is a shame. I was hoping for him to put something together, because I know he's very excited to be back working Your Face. Here is the email I received from him with his response to my request:

'Poop.'

So at least that hasn’t changed.

So, that'd be your finger in the snowblower there?

2008-12-11T12:31:00.000-08:00

One of the perks of living in Southern California is you don't have to deal with snow during the winter. Yes, you don't get to have a white Christmas, and it's odd walking around in shorts in December, but you also don't have to worry about the city turning into gridlock because of a blizzard (we have gridlock for every other reason), or needing to trundle out into the cold to clear your driveway.
But apparently, snow is not just annoying but just plain dangerous. Just ask Colorado Avalance captain Joe Sakic. The Denver Post says he's going to be out at least three months after a freak snowblower accident that left him with three broken fingers and "severe" tendon damage.

Sakic reached inside the "auger" of the snowblower to remove some snow, which apparently is bad since it can still move and crush people's hands even when it's off. The newspaper says this type of accident isn't uncommon: there are more than 1,000 cases of finger amputations in similar accidents, and nine deaths reported since 1992. To me, this sounds like Stephen King was a prophet: the machines really are taking over.

Sakic's injury is just the latest bizarre sports injury to befall Denver athletes in recent years. You might remember Broncos WR Brandon Marshall gashing his arm after tripping on a McDonald's bag and falling through an entertainment center. Or Rockies shortstop Clint Barmes breaking his collarbone after falling while carrying a slab of deer meat into his house. Or Brian Griese's one-two punch of getting pushed down the stairs by his dog and slipping on teammate Terrell Davis' driveway and getting knocked out.

Clearly, something is going on here. Someone needs to wrap Jay Cutler in protective bubble wrap just to be sure.

Favre arrested at NYC Applebee's after concealed hunting rifle incident

2008-12-04T22:33:00.000-08:00

NEW YORK - New York Jets quarterback Brett Favre was arrested early Friday morning on weapons charges after an incident at a Times Square Apleebee's. Police say that Favre had a concealed hunting rifle at the restaurant which accidentally went off as he was getting up to use the restroom, grazing a server in the thigh and fatally injuring a Triple Chocolate Meltdown cake being delivered to a nearby table.

Police say Favre's rifle, a Winchester Model 70, was unlicensed in New York, with Favre telling police before being taken into custody that he's "pretty sure" he had a license in his home state of Mississippi somewhere.

According to witnesses, Favre "wasn't fooling anyone" by trying to hide his rifle.

"He had it shoved down his pants and tucked under his shirt, but it was so long that the barrel was still a good two feet out of his back," said a waitress identified by his name tag as Randy. "I don't know how he missed blasting himself in the back of the head when it went off. Normally there's no way we would have let someone with such an obvious weapon in, but, I mean, this was Brett Favre."

NFL commentator John Madden said that Favre's actions immediately following the incident showed his "unique style" of leadership.

"From the way he tried to pretend that the gunshot didn't come from his back, to how he tried to go to the bathroom and stash the rifle in the trash can, that's total Brett Favre," Madden said. "I mean, he was in total control of the situation, even telling the police officers which station to take him to right before he signed autographs for everyone. If that isn't a gamer, I don't know what is."

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell said the league would consider suspending Favre "pending factors such as the outcome of his criminal trial, and after his future retirement."

During an interview on WFAN-AM in New York earlier in the week about the arrest of New York Giants wide receiver Plaxico Burress, Favre told a host that "if a deer comes into the door frame of my house, I am going to kill him or her, as simple as that."

Stoops annoyed at Sooner fans

2008-11-18T13:28:00.000-08:00

Sure, Oklahoma might be 59-3 at home under Bob Stoops, but the Sooners' coach isn't buying that the fans have played that big of a role. Rivals.com says that Stoops was asked about how much of a distraction it can be for opposing teams to deal with the crowd noise at..Sooner Stadium? Oklahoma Stadium? Barry Switzer Memorial Park? Owen Field? OK, I guess it's Owen Field.

At any rate, Stoops was less than forthcoming in praise of his fans' disruptive impact on other teams:

"I've seen a lot of teams come in here and not even use silent counts, so I'm not so sure I'm with you on all that," said Stoops when told opposing teams are fearful of the crowd noise. "We haven't been a real loud stadium."

And Stoops wasn't finished with that, taking a sideswipe at fans who only cheer when the Sooners are ready to score:

"Now when we score a touchdown and we're running into the goal line it's usually pretty loud," admitted Stoops. "That usually doesn't matter to the opposing team."

So remember, Sooner fans - if your team loses on Saturday night to Texas Tech, it's all your fault. Of course, this doesn't explain why the Sooners have been so awful at bowl games.

It's come to this: the shameless begging

2008-11-17T16:16:00.000-08:00

As some of you might know, in the British vernacular, I was "made redundant" last week. Otherwise known as "I was laid off." The plus side is that this leaves me a lot more time for writing, specifically to bring you the type of marginal entertainment you've come to expect from Your Face is a Sports Blog.

The downside? Well, the lack of money. I'm not a big corporate blog like Deadspin or Sports by Brooks. I don't have a team of writers being beaten into submission and told what to write that will get the most SEO hits, blogosphere synergy or whatever the hell they call it. It's just me, writing about what makes me laugh, and hopefully you too.

I feel so weird about doing this, but several people have said that I should. So, there's a "donate" button on the righthand side of the blog. If you feel as though you want to help support me and this site, feel free to contribute...whatever you want. I know this feels very public radio, so I'll just end by reminding you about the free tote bag with $50 membership, and sending you back to "This American Life."

Cuban charged with insider trading by his fantasy basketball commissioner

2008-11-17T15:23:00.000-08:00

DALLAS - Fantasy basketball commissioner Andrew Rathman leveled a charge of "insider trading" at Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban on Monday, after he traded Mavs forward Jerry Stackhouse before Sunday night's game against the New York Knicks, a game that Stackhouse sat out with a possible heel injury.

Rathman, who is Cuban's brother-in-law, said that he had received a complaint from an owner who had sent Luc Richard Mbah a Moute to Cuban's team, the Fuck David Sterns.

"The owner was expecting to add Stackhouse as a valuable role player, but now we have reason to believe that Mark knew about this injury ahead of time and dumped him in order to minimize his losses," Rathman said.

Other owners in the league had expressed concerns something like this might happen, and had suggested a rule that a player could not have someone on their fantasy roster from a team they own in real life. However, Cuban rejected this immediately.

"He kept talking about how this was clearly targeting one player, and how patently unfair that was," Rathman said. "Plus, he reminded us multiple times how he was going to let us have the draft at his mansion, with full catering and all the Chivas and champagne we could drink. It was kind of hard to say no."

Pending an investigation, Rathman said that there is a variety of punishments available, including: forfeiture of points, banning from the league playoffs, or making him give the other players extra courtside seats to an upcoming Mavericks game.

Cuban refused to comment on the matter, other to make the following post on his blogmaverick.com site:

I wish I could say more, but I will have to leave it to this, and let the judicial process do its job. Also, Andrew Rathman is a farthead, who eats farts with his giant head.

Clippers' Thorton can't believe girlfriend fell for "superstition" line

2008-11-12T17:30:00.000-08:00

LOS ANGELES - Clippers forward Al Thorton can't believe that his girlfriend bought the excuse that he hadn't talked to her since the start of the season because of a "superstition" involving the team's 0-6 start, sources told to the team said on Wednesday.

"All week, he had been getting phone messages - here at practice, on his cell phone, even at the hotel on the road," the anonymous source said. "I kept telling him 'Al, that's not good, you better call her.' But he kept insisting that he had a plan. I guess he did."

The source said that he was amazed it worked, especially since it didn't make a lot of sense on the surface.

"I mean, think about it: why would you keep doing something if you keep losing?," said the source. "Wouldn't you do the exact opposite, like call your girlfriend, to try and break your streak? It's like having an unlucky pair of underwear."

Bouyed by Thorton's success, the source said that his teammates were looking to apply the logic to their wives and girlfriends as well, including plans to:

Not come home at night until they get back above .500
Pass out drunk at a strip club every night until they get their average above 20 ppg
Sleep with a different music video model until the Clippers trade for Kobe Bryant

Eagle Rock High coach might not be so popular with his players

2008-11-12T10:29:00.000-08:00

A totally insane story from here in Los Angeles: Johnny Lopez, the head football coach at Eagle Rock High is back on the sidelines, a week after he was injured when he was speared by one of his players during practice. Sounds like a pretty standard story, right? Coaches get run into on the sidelines all time. It's a violent, fast-moving game, and somethings accidents happen. Look at Joe Paterno or Charlie Weis.

But there's one difference here: THIS WAS NO ACCIDENT! (Cue Det. Lenny Briscoe making a darkly humorous joke here.) The Los Angeles Daily News reports that Lopez was apparently speared on purpose by someone who put on a helmet when the coach wasn't looking, drilled him square in the back, and then took off running, hoping a fence to escape the field while the first-year coach writhed in pain.

Perhaps the most disturbing part of the story is this: none of the other members of the team tried to stop him. I've heard of a coach "losing their team" before, but that usually just means that they don't follow directions and laugh behind his back. It usually doesn't mean "putting on a helmet and running at him full speed behind his back." It's stunning that this could happen*.

Another twist to the story: Lopez's alleged assailant isn't even a current player - the person police believe is responsible is a former player who was a starting linebacker last season.

Eagle Rock forfeited last week's game, and ends the season looking to improve on their 3-6 record. But despite evidence that the team might not be buying into the system, Lopez insists that he's coming back next year. In full pads, I'm sure.

*except for when Paul Hackett was the coach at USC. I'm frankly stunned that he wasn't getting clobbered by his players on a weekly basis by the end of his last season at the helm.

HS coach takes hands-on approach to punching players

2008-11-11T11:00:00.000-08:00

It's one thing to be a "player's coach," but it's another to be " a coach who gets into fights alongside his players." Someone apparently needs to explain the subtle difference to Jamie Joyner, the head coach of the Nature Coast High football team in South Florida. He has been barred from being on the sidelines the rest of this season after he threw some blows along with his team during a brawl with a rival school.

This isn't the first time that Nature Coast has had issues with fights during their games. Here's a post-game scuffle after a close loss last year:

Joyner has also been ordered to take a "fundamentals of coaching" class before he can rejoin the team. (The first lesson: don't punch the other team, i.e. the Woody Hayes Rule.) I know that many Chiefs fans would like their coach Herm Edwards take the same course as well.

BYU thinks Air Force are dirty players

2008-11-11T10:42:00.000-08:00

BYU head football coach Bronco Mendenhall has a Veteran's Day message for you, ahead of the Cougars' game this weekend with Air Force: they are a bunch of dirty, unethical players. But he stilll supports the troops!

Specifically, Mendenhall is upset at Air Force's use of the "cut block" - that is, blocking by taking out a player's legs. Although technically legal, Mendenhall thinks it shouldn't be, and isn't happy with how much the Falcons use it:

"Without even mentioning the game after Air Force, I am just not a proponent of the block, anyway," he said. "I don't think it is good for the game, and I think it puts our players at risk, and I am not saying Air Force is cheating or doing anything unethical, but if I were to have a say in the rules committee, and just in general, I don't think the block is necessary. . . . It is effective, and certainly it is difficult to defend, I am just not a proponent of it."

So maybe I exaggerated a bit in the first paragraph, but you get the point. Clearly, Mendenhall isn't going to come out and say "what a bunch of dirty bastards the Air Force is" - after all, Bush still has a few weeks left in office, and Gitmo isn't closed yet. But that's obviously what he's thinking.

I take the opposite approach: I'm thrilled that they are teaching the future fighter pilots of tomorrow how to cut block. I've seen "Behind Enemy Lines," and if Owen Wilson knew how to cut block, that move would have been 20 minutes long. Let's drop the Air Force football team in Afghanistan and have them cut block a path right to bin-Laden.

AMERICA! YEAH!

Palmer pretty sure he doesn't want to play this week

2008-11-11T09:31:00.000-08:00

CINCINNATI - Bengals QB Carson Palmer, who has watched from the sidelines with an elbow injury for six of the last seven games as the team has slumped to a 1-8 record, said on Tuesday that there was "no way" he would play this coming Sunday against the Philadelphia Eagles.

"No, my, um, my elbow still is way to sore to get out there right now," Palmer said. "Yeah, it's really sore. Ooh, oww!"

Palmer then shook his arm and grabbed at his elbow while wincing in an exaggerated manner.

Palmer said that he re-injured his elbow yesterday afternoon while watching tapes of the Bengals' offense this season.

"I was feeling pretty good, but then I reached for the remote to fast-forward through tape of (back-up) Ryan Fitzgerald getting sacked over and over, and I must have tweaked my elbow again," he said. "It's a real shame, because I was really looking forward to coming back this week."

Palmer also responded to criticism that he had been using the injury as an excuse to avoid playing for the Bengals as the team struggles this season. Newspaper reports have had him doing several activities that would appear to place great strain on his injured elbow, including golfing, playing tennis, and arm wrestling.

"That's all part of my rehabilitation program," Palmer said. "I know it might look bad, but my doctor assures me that this aggressive, alternative form of treatment is what's best for me right now."

Palmer has been working with his personal doctor instead of Bengals' team trainers, and has not let them inspect his injured elbow in the past four weeks. Palmer's physician, Dr. Leo Spaceman, was not available for comment.

Although he didn't want to speculate, Palmer said the soft tissue injury in his elbow could take "months, maybe years" to heal, but added that it would probably heal faster if he was playing somewhere other than Cincinnati.

Al Davis to offer Raiders coaching job to John McCain

2008-11-05T14:24:00.000-08:00

OAKLAND - Sources inside the Oakland Raiders organization report that owner and GM Al Davis has reached an agreement with John McCain to become the team's next head coach at the end of this season. Davis apparently told office staff that after watching McCain's Presidential concession speech last night, he feels as though the 72-year-old Senator and war hero has the ability to inject "youthful vigor and new energy" into the once-proud Raiders team despite his total lack of football experience.

"That John McCain, he's a real firecracker," Davis is reported to have told a team of executives this morning. "When you're a can-do kind of leader like him, I don't care if you don't know anything about football - players will listen to you. I'll handle the play calling - he just needs to worry about motivating the team to victory, and I'm sure he'll do just that."

McCain would replace interim head coach Tom Cable. Despite his stated belief in McCain's ability's to be a head football coach with no experience, some Raiders staff members wonder if Davis has ulterior motives for bringing McCain on-board.

"He just wants someone out front who is even more clueless than him," a source said anonymously. "Plus, McCain almost makes Al seem sprightly and youthful by comparison."

Davis also allegedly told close confidants that "judging by how much he sold himself out to try and be President, he'll have no trouble doing what I tell him to do. Unlike that ungrateful pink Kiffin. Kiffin!!!"

Davis then continued to shout former head coach Lane Kiffin's name for several minutes while shaking his fist in the air before being sedated by his personal assistants and lead back to his office/rejuvenation chambers.

Reached at his home in Scottsdale, AZ, McCain said he would be open to the offer, provided that the Raider girls understand that their jobs are to "look pretty and not go making foolish and stupid suggestions and opening their mouths to the media and screwing things up for me."

Twitter update update

2008-11-04T10:36:00.000-08:00

As was so eloquently noted, I totally botched the link to add the Your Face Twitter feed to your friend feed. Here is the correct link. Please add it, and...whatever.

Latest BCS rankings: let the rioting begin

2008-11-03T13:31:00.000-08:00

I treat the BCS rankings like Christmas - there's no reason to even think about it until November and even then that's probably far too soon. But the first poll of November is out and, predictably, people are losing their damned minds over it. Texas Tech jumps past Penn State! USC falls to No. 7 after winning 56-0! Utah, Boise St. and TCU all in the Top 12! It's chaos!

Of course, there's still a whole month of football left to be played, so reading too much into these rankings is very dangerous. However, there are a few things I think we can safely assume based on where things stand right now:

Penn State fans need to shut up already

Yes, it's a tough break to get jumped in polls when you had a bye week. Or so the Nittany Lion fans are screaming today after Texas Tech moved ahead of them in the rankings. But keep this in mind: Penn State didn't "fall" in the rankings - they were No. 3 before the week started and No. 3 at the end of the week. The only difference is which two teams are ahead of them, with Texas Tech replacing Texas.

I don't see how you can argue with placing the Red Raiders ahead of Penn State this week. Rankings should be based on how well people have performed against the teams they have played to that point in the season. Up until last week, voters were holding off on rewarding Texas Tech for being 8-0, since they have a daunting gauntlet of games to close the season. But now that they've got through the first step and knocked off the No. 1 team in the country, you have to place them higher. They play in a better conference and they have the best win of any of the three undefeated teams at the top of the polls.

But most importantly, this is an incredibly moot point. If Texas Tech wins out, that means they will have beaten Texas, Oklahoma State, Baylor and either Missouri or Kansas in the Big 12 title game. And there would be no possible argument for keeping them out of the BCS title game then. If they lose once, where they are ranked today is meaningless as long as Penn State keeps winning.

If I was a Penn State fan, I'd be more ticked off at Alabama moving up to No. 1 than Texas Tech going to No. 2. Let's be honest about this: what exactly is the Crimson Tide's signature win? Georgia? The same team that got hammered by Florida this week? The Clemson team that fired their head coach midway through the season? Tennessee, who just fired their coach today? I'd argue that Penn State's win over Oregon State (more on them in a minute) is looking far more impressive by the week, while Alabama's earlier wins lose more and more of their luster.

Utah, Boise St., TCU, BYU and Ball State fans should learn to hate Ohio State as much as the rest of the college football world does

Why? Their BCS bowl chances might be directly tied to how Ohio State does in their final three games against Northwestern, Illinois and Michigan. To attempt to briefly explain: any school from a non-BCS conference that is ranked in the Top 12 of the final regular season BCS poll is guaranteed a spot in a BCS game. But if more than two teams are in the Top 12, only the highest-ranking is guaranteed a spot. Which is potentially bad news for Utah, TCU and Boise St., all in the Top 12 this week.

Only teams in the Top 16 are eligible for at-large BCS berths and - here's the big catch - no conference can send more than two teams to BCS bowl games. Right now nine of the top 16 spots in the BCS are taken by teams from two conferences: the SEC and the Big 12. And there is almost no chance that the ACC, Big East or PAC-10 will send two teams. (See next item for the one percent chance that the PAC-10 sends two schools.)

Doing the math: there are four at-large berths. Second teams from the Big 12 and SEC will get two of those four, as (almost certainly) will the highest-finishing non-BCS school. Leaving the final BCS at-large berth to go to another BCS Buster or...Ohio State.

Yes, the same cockroaches that ruined the last two championship games are all that stand in the way of the greatest season in non-BCS football history. They sit at No. 12 in the current rankings. If they win out, they'll get the final BCS at-large berth. If they slip up, that spot will almost have to go to a non-BCS team in the Top 16 (even Ball State could get the nod).

In some small way, we all should be rooting for Northwestern next week.

USC is screwed, screwed, screwed (and deservedly so)

After USC lost to Oregon State, I told anyone who would listen that the Trojans' BCS Title hopes were done. And everyone tried to convince me that USC was still alive. "Just look at the carnage last season," they said. "They win out and they'll be fine."

Looking at the first week of November, and I stand by my earlier statement. They don't just need upsets to start happening, but huge upsets with teams way outside of the BCS rankings to take down big names. Texas Tech knocking off Texas might have seemed like a break for the Trojans, for example, but it turned out to be the worst thing imaginable - not only did the Red Raiders leap over USC, but Texas didn't fall behind them.

Without getting into drawn-out rationales, here are the relevant facts:

The Big 12 champion is making it to the BCS title game. In order for this not to happen, it would take a scenario so convoluted that M. Night Shymalayan would dismiss it as crackpot for there not to be at least one team left with one loss, and there is no way a one-loss Big 12 team is getting left out of the mix.
Alabama goes if they run the table. The best team most likely to beat them: one-loss Florida, who would certainly go ahead of USC if they win out. They only way USC would be picked ahead of the SEC champion is if Florida loses again but beats Alabama in the SEC title game. And even then, one-loss Alabama might still go ahead of USC (sending a team that lost its conference championship is a nightmare scenario for the BCS).
Penn State has the easiest path to going undefeated. But if they slip up, they are done. (There is no way a one-loss Big Ten team makes it, period.)

In poker terms, USC has pockets 4s against other teams' pocket aces. And the Trojans don't even control their own BCS fate: if Oregon State wins out, they would get the PAC-10 title and Rose Bowl berth, sending USC to other BCS game. (This is the one percent chance of this happening, considered Oregon State barely beat a lousy ASU team at home on Saturday, and still have to play Oregon, Cal and Arizona.)

Source: Paterno to soil himself to gain sympathy

2008-11-03T11:35:00.000-08:00

STATE COLLEGE, PA - 81-year-old Joe Paterno, seething after his Nittany Lions were jumped by Texas Tech for the No. 2 spot in this week's BCS rankings, vowed to do everything he can to make sure Coaches' and Harris Poll voters know just how old and feeble he is to gain valuable sympathy votes to move back ahead in the rankings.

"An old man like me, jeez, I'm not going to get too many more chances," Paterno said. "I've got this bum knee and hip, and you know what that usually means for old people - a drastic collapse in health followed by sudden death. But if I knew that were playing for a national championship in January, that might be enough to keep me going."

Sources close to the legendary head coach said that along with playing up the status of his injured leg - which has kept him in the press box for much of this season - Paterno planned on a pattern of activities designed to show voters how frail and aging he is in order to elict enough sympathy for voters to put him in one last National Title game. Paterno's plans include:

Visibly soiling himself during an interview with Erin Andrews before the team's game against Michigan St.
Being shown in the press box during the team's game against Iowa being fed by his wife, with oatmeal being smeared all over his face and hair.
Wondering when they started letting "Negros" play football.
During all media interviews, addressing the reporter as "Grantland".
Casting his Coaches' Poll vote for Cumberland.