Portfolio Living

Ads from the Fifties

2008-03-11T09:42:00.001-07:00

The Sensitive Man

2008-03-09T18:11:00.000-07:00

The Sensitive Man

A woman meets a man in a bar.

They talk; they connect; they end
up leaving together.

They get back to his place and as he shows her around his
apartment., she notices that one wall of his
bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet,
cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the
bedroom,with hundreds and hundreds of cute,
cuddly teddy bears carefully placed
in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken
quite some time to lovingly arrange them
and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had
put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along
the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the
length of the middle shelf,
and huge, enormous bears running
all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an
obviously masculine guy
to have such a large collection of
Teddy Bears,

She is quite impressed by his
sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and
continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself
thinking,
'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy
could be the one!
Maybe he could be the future
father of my children?'

She turns to him and kisses him
lightly on the lips

He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds,
and he romantically lifts her in
his arms and carries her into his bedroom
where they rip off each other's
clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she
responds with more passion,
more creativity, more heat than she
has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night
of raw passion with this sensitive guy,
they are lying there together in
the afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently
strokes his chest and asks coyly,
'Well,how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her,
strokes her cheek,
looks deeply into her eyes,

and says:

'Help yourself to any prize
from the middle shelf'

best Valentine's Day gift ever

2008-02-14T15:14:00.001-08:00

I really nailed it this morning.
What with the recession and all, I thought it was best to get creative w/r/t the gift I would get my wife this Valentine's day.
She likes antiques (after all, she's married to one) and is a top notch homemaker.
I found this great combination of antique and utility on eBay.
It's a heavy duty iron for the real professional ironing person. You've got COMPLETE control over the steam output with a full set of dials that can be tweaked to produce the perfectly ironed business shirt and/or cotton y-fronts.

What a surprise she got this morning when she opened up the package. It brought her to tears! She said "I CAN'T believe this!" and that I was "incredible".
And she's been on the phone all morning telling her friends about the unbelievable present I got for her.

So, there you are, men. Keep your eyes open for next year's special gift for your loved one!
Show her that you care with something from eBay. They have everything.

Teenagers - while you still can...

2008-02-14T13:48:00.001-08:00

Dear Rich Bastard

2008-02-07T15:45:00.001-08:00

The National Westminster Bank admitted last month that it keeps
personal information about its customers-such as their political
affiliation-on computer. But now Computer Weekly reveals that a
financial institution, sadly unnamed, has gone one better and moved
into the realm of personal abuse.
 The institution decided to mailshot 2000 of its richest customers,
inviting them to buy extra services. One of its computer programmers
wrote a program to search through its databases and select its
customers automatically. He tested the program with an imaginary
customer called Rich Bastard.
Unfortunately, an error resulted in all 2000 letters being addressed
"Dear Rich Bastard". The luckless programmer was subsequently sacked.

Cow ends up in car after accident. No bull.

2008-02-01T16:00:00.000-08:00

You have to look closely at this picture to see the cow, but the bovine beauty ended up inside the car after a lady in Massachusetts hit a pair of cows while driving through the countryside.

The CORRECT way to use a weighing scales

2008-01-30T11:58:00.000-08:00

Ladies, Gents-
All this time, we have been using weighing scales incorrectly, and as a result, getting disappointing results.

This is the correct way to use them:

From Liam

A week at the gym. Letter from a 60 year-old

2008-01-30T07:51:00.000-08:00

Week at the Gym

If you can read this through without laughing out loud.... well perhaps you should go yourself. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary,

For my 60th birthday this year, my daughter Rachel (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY :
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

TUESDAY :
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air - then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY :
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair 'monster'. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

THURSDAY :
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny bitch to find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine - which I sank.

FRIDAY :
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader! If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY :
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching 11 straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY :
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter Rachel (the little snot) will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

Might be time to buy Starbucks stock again

2008-01-29T15:52:00.001-08:00

Click on the images to enlarge.
It was taken by NASA's Rover craft in December 2007, on the surface of Mars.Notice the discarded Starbucks cup?

Hello?

Well, now look at this earlier image of the same spot.
Note that the Starbucks cup is not present.
Someone must have dropped it there in that time frame.

My theory is: NASA is keeping a big secret from us. That secret is, a colony is already established on Mars. The US government is keeping it a secret in order to buy time to pillage the planet's resources before the Chinese and Europeans wake up, and they have invited only the top US corporations to be involved, like Boeing, Microsoft, GE, Starbucks (for the colonists' recreation).
The war in Iraq is just a diversion to keep the world focused elsewhere.

By Liam

Government warning: Do not swallow chewing gum!

2008-01-28T13:43:00.001-08:00

Liam said it

The Years' Best Headlines of 2007

2008-01-28T11:02:00.000-08:00

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas
in Spacecraft

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through
Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

21 points of mental Feng Shui

2008-01-27T15:27:00.000-08:00

Mental Feng Shui

ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.

THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.

FOUR. When you say, 'I love you,' mean it.

FIVE. When you say, 'I'm sorry,' look the person in the eye.

SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.

SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.

EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't have much.

NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.

TEN.. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.

ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives.

TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.

THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, 'Why do you want to know?'

FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

FIFTEEN. Say 'bless you' when you hear someone sneeze.

SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.

SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and Responsibility for all your actions.

EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.

TWENTY- ONE. Spend some time alone.

why the Frenchman stole the painting from le Louvre

2008-01-26T12:46:00.000-08:00

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.

After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied,

'Monsieur that is the reason I stole the paintings:

-

I had no Monet

to buy Degas

to make the Van Gogh'

See if you have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else.

I sent it to you because I figured I had nothing Toulouse.

Another Men vs. Women list

2008-01-24T09:45:00.000-08:00

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will, affectionately, refer to each other as FatBoy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in €20, even though it's only for €32.50.

None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

A man will pay €2 for a €1 item he needs.
A woman will pay €1 for a €2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.

A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS

Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children.

She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Life in the 1500s - with a grain of salt

2008-01-21T09:53:00.000-08:00

DID YOU KNOW............

LIFE IN THE 1500'S - with a grain of salt

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the
water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things
used to be. Here are some facts about the1500s:

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath
in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were
starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the
body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting
married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the
house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons
and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the
babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone
in it. Hence the saying, Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water..

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood
underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the
cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof When it
rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall
off ! the roo f. Hence the saying . It's raining cats and dogs.

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.. This
posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could
mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet
hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came
into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt.
Hence the saying, Dirt poor. The wealthy had slate floors that would get
slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor
to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more
thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping
outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying
a thresh hold.

(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that
always hung over the fire . Every day they lit the fire and added things
to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They
would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold
overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in
it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, Peas
porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days
old..

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite
special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show
off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, bring home the bacon.
They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit
around and chew the fat..

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid
content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead
poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next
400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom
of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the
upper crust.

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would
sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking
along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial.
They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the
family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they
would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of
places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the
bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these
coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the
inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they
would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the
coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would
have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.) to
listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell or was
considered a ...dead ringer..

Whoever said History was boring ! ! !

Hold the Mayo...

2008-01-11T07:34:00.000-08:00

You may already know this but the Irish license plate acronym MO stands for County Mayo in the west of Ireland.

Here are a few shots of a Mayo driver's car in a parking lot in Dublin's fair city.

(click for larger image)

Why Big Companies Don't Create New Products

2008-01-09T07:46:00.000-08:00

(Serious business blog entry)
Risk
It is risky creating a new product. Always risky. No matter how convinced you are that it will work, statistics are against you. Established companies like predictability, not risk. From-scratch product ventures are anathema to how companies are forced by shareholders/owners to operate.

Baptism of fire
As Edison put it, success is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration. Bringing a product to the level where it brings real value to customers is a long arduous journey. Who in a corporation has that kind of resolve? The owners, maybe, but not the employees.
To get a product to that level of success requires incredible dedication. Being in your own little startup allows you to focus the majority of your effort on the task. In contrast, trying to achieve such results when you are applying a lot of your emotional cycles to corporate politics makes it an impossible task.

Results
Companies reward results. To innovate, you have to take substantial risks. If you are a guy in a company that sees a product opportunity, why would you put your career on the line for the company when there is only a (let's be optimistic) 30% chance of the product or innovation working? You'd be crazy to stick your neck out and pursue it inside the company. If sheer passion is driving you, then be aware that the company probably doesn't care about passion. They care about profits, and your little idea better have some.
Is it not better to play it safe and stick to what already works in the company, or leave the company and try it yourself?

Bureaucracy
The company may support your idea initially, but they still have "their ways of doing things" - the very culture borne of the successful steps that got the company this far. Unless you are working for an extraordinary company, one with a deep respect and support for such "skunkworks" projects, the organization will likely apply institutional pressure on you to conform long before you show any progress.
It is hard enough indeed, when you do not have such pressures, to bring a product to market. The added drag effect of internal bureaucracy is usually enough to doom any significant product innovation initiative.

Beg, steal or borrow
Most established companies recognize the difficulty of creating new products. It is often much easier to wait and see what other companies do in the space and simply copy that if they can get away with it. If the product category turns out to be successful, an established company can go looking for a start-up that has solved the basic product problem, or they copy it, or license it from someone.
Indeed, some companies appear to have a policy of just copying products from small, arguably defenseless companies. Then, if they do get sued, can pull out the checkbook and buy their way out of the problem.

Catch 22
Remember the old "Catch 22" rule? "You have to be insane to want to be a pilot, but insanity disqualifies you", or something like that. It's a bit like that creating a new product. Statistically the odds are against you. I know, there are books and books out there telling you of sure-fire ways of creating winning products (I know. I wrote a couple myself). As far as I can see, those most successful at creating products are the ones who are passionate about it. Being passionate about something is payment enough, if you ask me. Corporations can't buy passion. And passion beats intellect any day.

12 predictions that were wrong

2008-01-07T13:00:00.000-08:00

1. “There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp. (DEC), maker of big business mainframe computers, arguing against the PC in 1977.

2. “Lee DeForest has said in many newspapers and over his signature that it would be possible to transmit the human voice across the Atlantic before many years. Based on these absurd and deliberately misleading statements, the misguided public … has been persuaded to purchase stock in his company …” — a U.S. District Attorney, prosecuting American inventor Lee DeForest for selling stock fraudulently through the mail for his Radio Telephone Company in 1913.

3. “A rocket will never be able to leave the Earth’s atmosphere.” — New York Times, 1936.

4. “There will never be a bigger plane built.” — A Boeing engineer, after the first flight of the 247, a twin engine plane that holds ten people.

5. “There is not the slightest indication that nuclear energy will ever be obtainable. It would mean that the atom would have to be shattered at will.” — Albert Einstein, 1932

6. “The cinema is little more than a fad. It’s canned drama. What audiences really want to see is flesh and blood on the stage.” -– Charlie Chaplin, actor, producer, director, and studio founder, 1916.

7. “The horse is here to stay but the automobile is only a novelty - a fad.” — The president of the Michigan Savings Bank advising Henry Ford’s lawyer, Horace Rackham, not to invest in the Ford Motor Co., 1903

8. “The Americans have need of the telephone, but we do not. We have plenty of messenger boys.” — Sir William Preece, Chief Engineer, British Post Office, 1878.

9. “The world potential market for copying machines is 5000 at most.” — IBM, to the eventual founders of Xerox, saying the photocopier had no market large enough to justify production, 1959.

10. “X-rays will prove to be a hoax.” — Lord Kelvin, President of the Royal Society, 1883.

11. “[Television] won’t be able to hold on to any market it captures after the first six months. People will soon get tired of staring at a plywood box every night.” — Darryl Zanuck, movie producer, 20th Century Fox, 1946.

12. “When the Paris Exhibition [of 1878] closes, electric light will close with it and no more will be heard of it.” - Oxford professor Erasmus Wilson.

The Four Top Things I Learned from Startup

2007-12-11T12:14:00.000-08:00

1. Always put the company's interests ahead of your own interests. "De-couple" your interests from the company's interests. When someone asks "should we do such-and-such", your First Thought should be "what is best for the company?" Make sure employees, investors, everyone, understands that your first priority is the company, not yourself. Make sure they know they are working for the company, not you. They are working for the company and you are also working for the company. The fact that you founded the company should have no bearing on your putting the company's interested first. Always.

2. Always think, plan and act for the long term. Keep a mental road map ten years into the future. There really are no good short term decisions. Every decision you make should feed into the long term. You are growing an Oak Tree that will outlive you, not a dandelion that lasts for a season.

3. Customer Value, Customer Value, Customer Value. Think "how much can I deliver to my customer for $100 and still be profitable?" not "How can I maximize my profit from this $100 transaction?". That also ties into the Long Term.

4. In the long term, all energy must come from customers.
Investors and your own personal investments into it are done only to help get you moving. Delivering repeatable, profitable customer value is the only long term energy source that is maintainable. Make a b-line for delivering repeatable, profitable customer value from the beginning.

Liam
SiteLeads.net
Quality Sales Leads Through Best Practices for the Web

interesting sign on golf course

2007-12-11T10:08:00.000-08:00

Service, Irish Style

2007-11-27T17:28:00.001-08:00

(FYI, Superquinn is a big chain of supermarkets in Ireland.)

READ THE STORY FIRST AND THEN LOOK AT THE PIC OF THE CAKE...

Superquinn Employee: "Hello now. 'dis Superquinn, how can I help you?"

Customer: " I would like to order a cake for a going away party this
week."

Superquinn Employee: "What you want now on de cake?"

Customer: "Best Wishes Suzanne" and underneath that "We will miss you".

Superquinn Employee: "Dat all? Okay, Bye now."

Pierre Corneille quotes

2007-11-27T13:46:00.000-08:00

Few people have heard of Pierre Corneille. He lived in the 1600s and much of his wisdom is as applicable today was when he wrote it.
Here are some of my favorites:

A first impulse was never a crime.

A good memory is needed after one has lied.

A liar is always lavish of oaths.

A true king is neither husband nor father; he considers his throne and nothing else.

A Victory without danger is a triumph without glory.

After having won a scepter, few are so generous as to disdain the pleasures of ruling.

Alas, I emerge from one disaster to fall into a worse.

Ambition aspires to descend.

An example is often a deceptive mirror, and the order of destiny, so troubling to our thoughts, is not always found written in things past.

As great as kings may be, they are what we are: they can err like other men.

Brave men are brave from the very first.

Clemency is the noblest trait which can reveal a true monarch to the world.

Danger breeds best on too much confidence.

Deceit is the game of petty spirits, and that is by nature a woman's quality.

Desire increases when fulfillment is postponed.

Do your duty and leave the rest to heaven.

Do your duty, and leave the outcome to the Gods.

Do your duty, and let the gods do the rest.

Each instant of life is a step toward death.

Every man of courage is a man of his word.

Flee an enemy who knows your weakness.

Force is legitimate where gentleness avails not.

Guess, if you can, and choose, if you dare.

Happiness seems made to be shared.

He who allows himself to be insulted deserves to be so; and insolence, if unpunished, increases.

He who allows himself to be insulted deserves to be.

He who allows me to rule is in fact my master.

He who can live in infamy is unworthy of life.

He who does not fear death cares naught for threats.

He who fears not death fears not a threat.

He who forgives readily only invites offense.

He who is hated by all can not expect to live long.

He who pardons easily invites offense.

He who plays advisor is no longer ambassador.

How delicious is pleasure after torment!

I agree to, or rather aspire to, my doom.

I can be forced to live without happiness, but I will never consent to live without honor.

I don't know how to defend myself: surprised innocence cannot imagine being under suspicion.

I have deserved neither so much honor or so much disgrace.

I see, I know, I believe, I am undeceived.

I would not like a king who could obey.

In recounting our woes, we often soothe them.

In the service of Caesar, everything is legitimate.

It is a crime against the State to be powerful enough to commit one.

It is the crime not the scaffold which is the disgrace.

It matters more how one gives than what one gives.

It takes good memory to keep up a lie.

Just vengeance does not call for punishment.

Love is a tyrant sparing none.

Master of the universe but not of myself, I am the only rebel against my absolute power.

My reason, it's true, controls my feelings, but whatever its authority, it doesn't rule them so much as tyrannize them.

My sweetest hope is to lose hope.

Oh rage! Oh despair! Oh age, my enemy!

Oh, how sweet it is to pity the fate of an enemy who can no longer threaten us!

One half of my life has put the other half in the grave.

One is often guilty by being too just.

One often calms one's grief by recounting it.

One ought to have a good memory when he has told a lie.

Peace is produced by war.

Reason and love are sworn enemies.

Self-love is the source of all our other loves.

Severity is allowable where gentleness has no effect.

The crime and not the scaffold makes the shame.

The greater the effort, the greater the glory.

The manner of giving is worth more than the gift.

The subject of a good tragedy must not be realistic.

They who overcome their desires once can overcome them always.

This dark brightness that falls from the stars.

Those who easily forgive invite offenses.

To conquer without danger is to conquer without glory.

To die for one's country is such a worthy fate that all compete for so beautiful a death.

To he who avenges a father, nothing is impossible.

To take revenge halfheartedly is to court disaster; either condemn or crown your hatred.

To vanquish without peril is to triumph without glory.

To win without risk is to triumph without glory.

Treachery is noble when aimed at tyranny.

True, I am young, but for souls nobly born valor doesn't await the passing of years.

We never taste a perfect joy; our happiest successes are mixed with sadness.

We never taste happiness in perfection, our most fortunate successes are mixed with sadness.

We triumph without glory when we conquer without danger.

When the patient loves his disease, how unwilling he is to allow a remedy to be applied.

When there is no peril in the fight there is no glory in the triumph.

When we conquer without danger our triumph is without glory.

Why God made moms

2007-11-27T12:19:00.000-08:00

WHY GOD MADE MOMS
Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of ?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My Mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms & dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

Application for a night out with the boys

2007-11-19T12:10:00.001-08:00

APPLICATION FOR A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS

Name of Boyfriend/Fiancé/Husband:

I request permission for a leave of absence from the highest authority in my life for the following period:

Time of return

Date: Time of departure: NOT to exceed:

Should permission be granted, I do solemnly swear to only visit the locations stated below, at the stated times. I agree to refrain from hitting on or flirting with other women. I shall not even speak to another female, except as expressly permitted in writing below. I will not turn off my mobile after two pints, nor shall I consume above the allowed volume of alcohol without first phoning for a taxi AND calling you for a verbal waiver of said alcohol allowance. I understand that even if permission is granted to go out, my girlfriend/fiancé/wife retains the right to be pissed off with me the following week for no valid reason whatsoever.

Amount of alcohol allowed (units) Beer Wine Liquor Total

Location: From: To:

Locations to be visited

Females with whom conversation

is permitted

IMPORTANT – STRIPPER CLAUSE: Not withstanding the female contact permitted above, I promise to refrain from coming within one hundred (100) feet of a stripper or exotic dancer. Violation of this Stripper Clause shall be grounds for immediate termination of the relationship.

I acknowledge my position in life. I know who wears the trousers in our relationship, and I agree it’s not me. I promise to abide by your rules & regulations. I understand that this is going to cost me a fortune in chocolates & flowers. You reserve the right to obtain and use my credit cards whenever you wish to do so. I hereby promise to take you on an unlimited shopping spree, should I not return home by the approved time. On my way home, I will not pick a fight with any stranger, nor shall I conduct in depth discussions with the said entity. Upon my return home, I promise not to urinate anywhere other than in the toilet. In addition, I will refrain from waking you up, breathing my vile breath in your face, and attempting to breed like a (drunken) rabbit.

I declare that to the best of my knowledge (of which I have none compared to my BETTER half), the above information is correct.

Signed - Boyfriend/Fiancé/Husband:

Request is: APPROVED DENIED

This decision is not negotiable. If approved, cut permission slip below and carry at all times.

"……………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Permission for my boyfriend/fiancé/husband to be away for the following period of time:

Date: Time of departure: Time of return:

Signed – Girlfriend/Fiancé/Wife:

Application for a night out with the girls

2007-11-19T12:08:00.000-08:00

APPLICATION FOR A NIGHT OUT WITH THE GIRLS

Name of Girlfriend/Fiancé/Partner/Wife:

I’m going out.

Signed: (me) _____________________________