The Blogs of Life

It's all your fault

2009-12-16T07:36:00.008-05:00

That's right. Yours and yours and you over there hiding in the bushes, you too!

All of you that showed me love and sent me hugs and texts and called me.

You that gave me great advice and ideas.

You that are always there to remind me of who I am and it's ok to be me.

You one of my oldest, closest and dearest friends, who continually proves to me that Love is unconditional and lasting.

You, a stones throw away, who always reminds me of our friendship and always understands.

And YOU! You SOB who showed up at my house last night with a Christmas tree. I forgot to hug you when you left. Thanks. I know it wasn't all 'her' idea.

Every single person that commented on that post really helped me.

THANK YOU.

I can't say I'm all HEY YEAH! CHRISTMAS! now, but I think I'm over the huge hump I was riding the past few weeks. I think I can make it through sanely (well, drunk/sane). And it's all Your FAULT. I'm blaming you.

You are the reason this Christmas is going to work for me. Because I know you all care. You are always there. A text, a phone call, an email, a tweet away. You are in my thoughts. And I am in yours.

I didn't write that post because I wanted anything but understanding, love and support. And oh boy did you show it to me.

So I blame you that I'm sorta half smiling today. That I'm ok with the Christmas party. Basically, I'm ok. And it's all your damn fault.

Bah Humbug!

2009-12-14T10:08:00.006-05:00

So it's here, or almost here, that freakin holiday that I tried as hard as I could to cancel. Didn't work.

Usually I'm pretty cheery for Christmas. I shop til I drop, spoil all the kids, work my budget out so everyone gets something.

Not this year. This year I just want it over with. Done.

I've been having a hard time dealing with all the BS going on anymore. It was pointed out by one of my friends that since May of this year, either Scott or I have been sick or 'out of commission' in one way or another. ENOUGH ALREADY!!

I am hating Christmas because I'm a giver. And I can't give anything to anyone this year. Even when I was single, my tree had a ton of gifts under it for Xmas for all the kids and family. I haven't done one minute of shopping for anyone. I haven't even thought about it. Why? I don't have a dime to my name.

As of now, we don't even know if we can afford to get a tree. We were going to try and get one this past weekend, but groceries trump tree.

I've never gotten to December 15th without a tree in my house. This year, I will. I have never had a Christmas without packages under the tree for the family. This year, I will. I have never been embarrassed when my brother hands me a present and I have nothing for him. This year, I will. I have never show up empty handed to my nieces little Christmas Eve party. This year, I will.

All of it just makes me so sad. I'm having a hard time shaking that sad. Even more so as Christmas gets closer. There is no tree in my window. No lights to stare at in the dark. No presents hiding in the closet. No need for wrapping or bows or tape. No last minute trips to the post office to mail off surprise pressies to friends children. Nothing.

It's all just makes me feel so empty.

Maybe I'm just missing the consumerism of it all. Possibly jealous of all the shopping that is getting done that I am not doing. Doubt it though. All the things I mention and many more are what makes Christmas for me, for my family. I know it's not just the gifts, but to me it's making sure they know I thought about them. And think of them all year round.

I am going to cook Christmas dinner for Scott's family and my dad. I'm really hoping that we can afford it, and that it helps me get some feeling back for this holiday. Cause now, I have no feelings for anything. I'm too numb from the barrage of shit I've been pelted with this year. I don't care much about anything.

I want it to be over. All of it.

I haven't cried yet

2009-12-02T12:29:00.004-05:00

I haven't. Since all this Cancer shit started back in October. I haven't really broke down in the tears that I know are behind my eyes.

Oh sure, I've dripped a few here and a few there, but I have not broken down.

I've been able to maintain.

It ain't easy. And I ain't handling it well. I'm a freakin mess.

I haven't slept in over a month. I haven't been able to use my CPAP because my right sinus has been messed up since October. Can't even get into see the ENT for another week. Tired of my ear and throat hurting.

The stress. The pressure. The questions. Oh dear lord with the freakin questions!

I'm doing everything I can to distract myself and just tune out the pain, sadness, relief, whatever it is that I'm trying to hold back.

I'm laughing. I'm joking. I'm playing Wii. Drinking. Watching lots of TV. Playing online.

But it's always there.

That flood of emotion that is trying to break out and control me. I can't let it. I can't let this beat me down.

I feel lost. I am so numb I'm just going through motions anymore. But in the meantime, I'm going to keep faking it as much as I can because my misery, sadness, stress, depression, all of it is mine. I own it. And I can force it to do what I want.

For now.

Running in place

2009-11-23T13:59:00.003-05:00

I know, I know, we all are... someday I'll catch up with myself and life will be grand.

Scott is recovering from his surgery well. He's still sore and can't lift heave objects. But that's alright. We're managing. We have been to the oncologist/radiologist and the Doc is amazing. He starts his radiation treatments on Dec. 7. Supposedly after 10 treatments (2 weeks every week day), this cancer should be eliminated. That's the consensus of the docs. The cancer he has is supposedly destroyed by radiation so that's a plus. Crossing our fingers that will be all he needs. Then just regular check-ups for a few years to follow up.

I'm getting over the nastiest crud I've had in forever. I'm FINALLY feeling better, and I got sick over Halloween weekend! My right ear has been so stuffed up, I can't hear a damn thing out of it. Finally got the doc to see me last week, they flushed it, and I now have a nasal spray to use 2x a day, and it should hopefully go away in a few more days. But heck, I'm tired of not hearing anything!

Seriously cancelling Christmas. Money is so tight, I worry about even spending $0.65 on a pretzel!! It's been real difficult on one income. Scott can't work (obviously) and unemployment ran out. Luckily on THAT front, we JUST found out he is eligible for another extension. So the past few months of no unemployment sucked ass, but now we can catch up a little bit. Or at least get the phone calls to stop.

In the meantime, dealing with lifes intricacies. Ya know, bills, cars breaking down, animals that puke and shit everywhere, and piss on my PJ's every night. ::Sigh::

S'alright. I got my meds renewed. Now just to get them in the freakin mail before I lose my shit!

PS. I MAJOR ROCK. I've lost 68lbs this year!! WOOHOO ME!! Yeah!!

To you...

2009-11-17T10:55:00.003-05:00

Dear bitch that is about to make my holidays miserable,

Back off. This has been the worst year ever for me health wise. Now my husband has cancer. I know you hate me and think I'm selfish and a loser, among other nasty things, but that's a stupid opinion of someone who doesn't know me.

I just flat out think you're a raging bitch with mental problems who needs help.

I know you stalk my blog and I hope you see this. Because it's to YOU. YOU know who you are.

Back off. Be the bigger 'Woman' and let me have a nice holiday. GO AWAY.

With no love in my heart, and a shank strapped to my shoe (which I'm not afraid to use),

Me

Filter? I don't need no stinkin Filter!

2009-11-11T10:30:00.006-05:00

The other day, the beautiful amazing CheekySweetie wrote a little post about what it was like to meet me in person. I cracked up so damn hard, cause it's true.

And then I saw Queen Hilly's comment on CheekySweetie's post - "Shannon is missing a filter" is the best way to describe her, LOL. That was a moment that it kinda really hit me. Huh. It's funny, and I've always know it but.. why..

It's true. I don't have a filter. I'll say what I'm thinking no matter what. It gets me into trouble regularly. People don't like it when you have an opinion or when yours doesn't match theirs.

It's taken me years, and I mean YEARS to learn to shut my mouth. And it wasn't an easy learning experience. I've lost friends and jobs over my big ass filterless mouth.

But put me in a room of people that I am comfortable with? Where I feel ok to be ME, the true real ME... there is no such thing as a filter. This is good with small gatherings of people, but not so good when meeting big groups of 'new' people. Which has led to my serious social anxiety issues. Why I stay away from people. Why I don't like going out. Why I find it very difficult to make friends. Why when I do meet new people, I feel really fake, cause that filter may not be on, but my tongue is being bit hard. Well, I try at least.

I also swear alot. I don't seem to much when I write posts, but it does happen. My hubs swears too. Probably not as much as me though.

Now put us both in a room with the grandparents, a bunch of kids, and he has what he calls "the switch". He turns it off, and somehow just never swears! Me on the other hand spend most of the night apologizing for my language. I try. I just don't have the switch.

Today I read a post at Queen Hilly's. The title intrigued me quite a bit to start.. Messiahs Need People Dying in their Name. This woman is wise beyond her years. I am glad I have met her in person and read her blog through her growth and struggles to become an even more amazing woman then ever. This post blew my mind. It really hit home.

It's then I realized that I don't have filters because I used to be the victim. I used to cry and blame. Then it came to me that there was nothing anyone could do to me that I DIDN'T LET THEM DO TO ME.

Off went the gloves and fight for life began. And in that fight, I learned never to hold back.

I've fought a good fight. I've come out ahead. I feel great about myself, who I am, my life (except for the cancer shit going on right now), and I like ME. No. I LOVE ME.

And I love that I don't need filters. I don't play games, I don't BS, and I'll tell you straight to your face what I think, no holds barred.

If you can't handle people like that, then I am not for you.

But in the meantime I am just what CheekySweetie loves. And I love that she loves that about me too.

Besides, filters are for coffee pots and pools.

Cause the Crud just isn't enough...

2009-11-04T08:44:00.009-05:00

Just so you all know I have been very absent from the internet the past week. No Twitter, FB, email or blogs... and this is most likely to continue over the next few weeks.

Last Monday, October 26th, my husband was diagnosed with testicular cancer. We spent the week very stressed, scared and freaked out. No surprise there.

Thursday morning we went to the hospital to remove the rotten nut (it's the left one). The surgery went very well the surgeon said he got all the masses removed. We then spent the next 6 hours waiting for a CAT scan and results. About 8:30pm the surgeon called asking for the CAT results, which were not in, he flipped and called them direct and got the results he was asking for immediately. The CAT scan was clear. We were sent home at 9pm.

I had a sore throat Wednesday & Thursday but was plowing through it all because I had to be there for Scott. That was the most important thing to me.

When we finally got home, had scripts, and were 'relaxed' I looked at Scott and said "Can I be sick now?" He laughed and said sure.

That was it for me. I spent the next 3 days in bed or on the couch working from home. Monday I went to doc. Thankfully, I'm kosher - no swine. Just a 'regular' flu. Of course by Monday, Scott had it too. So we got our antibiotics, dosed up and spent more time in bed, sleeping and watching tv.

I'm not better yet, but I'm past contagious and able to function again. Except my ears are so clogged I can barely hear anything.

Last night the surgeon called about 'the testicle'. Scott has cancer. It's the least aggressive type of testicular cancer, but he does have it and it is most likely in his lymph nodes. The CAT scan doesn't show them because of where they are positioned.

Monday we go to the doctor for a follow up on surgery. And to discuss radiation treatments. According to doc, this cancer is very treatable, and can be taken care of with lose dose radiation treatments.

If the lose dose treatments work, it is less then 15% likely the cancer will return. This can and will be beaten. The doc is VERY positive and keeps telling Scott he will be fine, we got it early enough. That's good to hear.

In the meantime with all the stress of home life, and our house having fallen apart in the past week, living in a giant cat box is so much fun, I give you the following.

**Scott did not come up with all of these, those are noted. And you may think we're irreverent and crazy, well, if you didn't, you don't know me. Sometimes you GOTTA laugh or all that happens is tears. ***

SCOTT'S BALLISM'S

Damn, I'm gonna have to change my vernacular to "My BALL itches!"

I can never tell anyone to lick my left testicle again.

I'm glad I'm married and don't have to explain why I have 1 ball when I meet women. (Hockeybuddy added: that 'waiting' period for them to find out on their own would be very uncomfortable)

Guess I won't have to adjust THEM anymore. I mean how do you adjust one. Wouldn't it just be in the right spot all the time?

Should I get a prosthetic?

Hockeybuddy said: Will it throw you off balance when you walk? Will you walk tilted?

What is the sound of one ball slapping? (added: More like a bass drum I bet - I'll find out!)

I was worried if they took both and someone kicked me in the balls, I'd be like SORRY DUDE! and then kick his ass. Heck, if they only take one, guys got a 50-50 chance, how funny would it be to say "Dude, you missed! HA!" then kick his ass.

Guess pocket pinball is out of the question, thank god I grew out of that a long time ago.

If you're cutting out my nut, you OWE me percosets.

Damn Phillies better win this World Series, I'm losing my nut over it!

I would like to thank EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU who have taken my texts in stride, sent prayers, sacrificed chickens, burnt candles, kicked dogs and just been THERE for me this past week. I appreciate every single one of you more then you can imagine. This little paragraph is in no way the best way to thank you all. Without you, I don't even know what state of mind I'd be in.

So take the Ballism's in stride with life. Shit happens. And we'll take it one day at a time.

Until next time - think good thoughts for the whole world. We all need them.

Everything is as ok as it can be

2009-11-02T09:49:00.003-05:00

So Scott's surgery was very successful, surgeon believes he got it all and it was early enough that it hadn't spread. After 12 hours at the hospital, CAT scan came back clean and we were sent home.

Friday, I got sick. I'm still sick. I could barely get out of bed for 3 days, so sorry for not updating sooner. Trying to get to see my doc today. Hope I'm not swined.

He goes back for some more testing and follow up next week. Hopefully he's not getting the crud I have cause it sucks ass.

And on that update, I'm going back to bed. Well, laying on the couch for now.

My husband has a rotten nut

2009-10-27T09:10:00.003-04:00

Yes, you read that right, he's got a bad nut.

About a month ago he felt a lump in his left testicle. He went to the doctor and was put on medication to see if that reduced it. It got bigger.

He had an ultrasound on Thursday at 4pm. By 5pm the doctor was on the phone with him telling him he needed to see a specialist immediately, and wanted him to go Friday. Being unemployed almost 2 years, he couldn't go Friday as he had a day of work scheduled and we need the money badly.

His appointment was at 1pm yesterday afternoon. The doctor told him that the left testicle had to be removed immediately. Testicular Cancer. The evil C word.

On Thursday, we say goodbye to the bad nut. He will be laid up at least 6-8 weeks. He has no more unemployment coming in, and was just about to talk about getting hired FT perm at the place he has been doing a few jobs for over the past few months.

Now, he can't do that.

While we are stressed and concerned about the bad nut, we know that this is treatable. They are almost sure it hasn't spread and will do a cat scan immediately after the surgery (well, same day) to make sure.

Testicular Cancer is very treatable, and it is rare that it comes back after it is removed.

Right now my concern is on getting him through the surgery, and immediate recovery period.

As soon as the weekend is over, I'm going to lose my shit.

That's when I'm going to start freakin over money. There is no way we can live on my salary alone. Will we lose our house? What bills aren't going to get paid? How much are we going to end up in collections? Christmas is definately cancelled.

Any and all visiting/travel, etc that I was hoping to do over the next few months is cancelled. If we started to make plans, my sincere apologies, I can't do it at all right now. I have to figure out how to pay the mortgage and keep gas in my car.

I can't even afford to go to my therapist anymore.

Sigh.

One day at a time.

I won't be blogging much over the next week, but I will post a shortie on Friday on how the surgery went and how he is doing.

Thank you everyone who took my phone calls yesterday, and the texts, tweets and DM's that I received were amazing. I am involved in one of the most amazing communities ever.

In the meantime, at least he has a good attitude about the whole thing. Except he has to train himself to say My ball itches, instead of balls. Oh well. Least of our worries.

When Karl's women Collided

2009-10-26T09:37:00.023-04:00

I have to say what an amazing weekend. I literally cried when I got on the plane Sunday. I didn't want to come home it was that much fun.

As usual for me, I was all freakin up to the the last possible moment about going.

And as usual, I'm a stupid moron, and had one of the best times of my life.

I'll start from the beginning. I travelled to Orlando Thursday afternoon. Arrived about 3pm. The Orlando airport was huge, so I was wandering over to where I thought my luggage was going to be and lo and behold had an amazing fun run in with Robin, Rachel and Dave.

Rachel was having a luggage issue that got resolved fairly quickly (thank god!)

After we parted, I kept looking for my luggage, finally realized I was on the WRONG SIDE of the airport. So I went to the other side and was greeted by Karl, Mindy, an one of the most beautiful women I've ever met, who I wall call SB for this post.

They took me back to our suite. OMG, hello gorgeous place! We had 2 bedrooms with a king size bed in each, and 2 couches that were queen pull outs, a bathroom we nicknamed the palace and another bathroom, that wasn't the palace.

The fantabulous Angel was there to greet us as well.

Then the laughing began. And the Chinese food was ordered. The laughing never stopped, I think a few of us choked on our food during that meal.

We decided we were going to hit a bar for some karaoke. Also if you had a vagina you drank for free. Since it was 4 women, we ruled, and Karl would have to pay for his own drinks.

We even met 2 more women there, Zen and her sister Joy.

We took a cab there and that's when we met Diego the driver. He was super cool, put up with our insanity and damn cute!

Our vagina's were really thirsty so we kept the waitress pretty busy. Diego came back at midnight to pick us up and we were all pretty happy and had a great time. Karl, Mindy and I all sang.

We stayed up late talking, drinking laughing our asses off. I swear I laughed and had more fun doing just that then I've had in a long ass time.

Friday we kind of slept in and just lazed around. We needed to hit the grocery store and liquor store at some point but we were having some major issues that had to be dealt with first.

While it was a little stressful for all involved, and those of us that love them, we had everything resolved and situated by late afternoon, including getting groceries and hitting the liquor store.

Instead of Halloween Horror nights (it just wasn't in the cards), we decided to stay in. Mindy & I cooked a baked ziti with salad and garlic bread. I made drinks. Cause I'm good at that. Angel's Brian came down to hang with us too. He's hot. We made him take his shirt off. Cause by then we had nicknamed the place the MEATSUITE!

Dinner was delicious and again with all the laughing and having fun. And boobies. Lots and lots of boobies.

Saturday was THE DAY of the party, Avitween. We again had stayed up late Friday, so slept in a little bit. I got up and started cooking breakfast for the gang. What's better to sop up all the booze we were drinking other then bacon, sausage and some eggs & cheese. Not much.

Of course we all ate and just wanted to go back to bed (cause holy shit most comfy bed in the world!)

We spent the day relaxing, just enjoying each others company, and laughing. More of that laughing. It really was non-stop.

Marty & Mrs. Marty came by and hung out with us for the afternoon too and were going to cab it over with us. (THEY ROCK!)

Then we're talking party time.... We had called the cab to come get us at 8pm. Diego wasn't going on shift til 9 so we had to have some other not as fun dude drive us.

People started getting ready for the party. Some of these chickas take forever. I'm easy. Heh.

The party, I can't even begin to describe how fantastic it was. Adam and friends did the most amazing job of decorating and prepping the place for the Invaders. I can't even begin to mention all the new super cool people I met, blogger and non-blogger alike. You all know who you are!

Diego was going to pick us up at 3, and I'm not clear on all the details (um hello Rum!) but we ended up being picked up about 1:30 or so which was SO MUCH better, the party was starting to wind down and it was time.

We all had such an amazing time. The party was great. I hope I can go next year.

The MeatSuite was up late again laughing and being all crazy... I went to bed about 5am, and I think the rest stayed up a few more hours.

And I slept in til about 11am. Then the sadness started. I had to pack. And get ready. Everyone kept threatening to lock me in a closet so I'd miss my flight. I almost wish they had. I wasn't ready to part from the awesomeness that was all of us together. Karl's women collided and the sonic boom was heard in the entire state of Florida. And then some....

There are so many little things that happened over this weekend that aren't in this post. It's just the quickie run down.

But I know that I left in love with some of the most amazing people I've ever met. More in love with Karl then ever. And sadder then I've been in a long time. My heart hurt leaving them. And the pangs of pain I have now are hard to get through. I know I'll keep talking to them, and emailing and texting and reading blogs, but it's still hard. I can't hug them. I can't see their boobies. I can't motorboat their cleavage. I'm not the one mixing their cocktails. SIGH...

In the meantime, I have my pictures. And please please feel free to check them out here: Bubblewench Avitween 2009

Now I'm going to cry a little into my soup cause I'm really that sad.

ps. I didn't do links here cause most of you know them. If you are interested in someone let me know and I'll send you their blog.

Wordless Wednesday

2009-10-21T09:30:00.000-04:00

Check out more Wordless Wednesday

It really is power packed

2009-10-20T17:21:00.011-04:00

This post is very personal and sexual in nature. If that kind of thing doesn't sit with you, I suggest you leave now.

A few months ago, my buddy Karl introduced me to this guy Drew. Drew contacted me regarding this amazing website, Eden Fantasys. We chatted through email, and I decided to write a review.

I have to admit, I had already heard of Eden Fantasys and have even purchased a few adult toys from them. I was thrilled to try one of their amazing products for a review. I am not getting any money for this, just a free product to test.

Probably a little TMI but I'm hard (all puns intended) on Vibrators. Normally I break them fairly quickly, kill the rotating whatever, mess up the electronics or something that well, doesn't make it as much fun as the first day I got it.

About a month ago, Drew sent me a Water Gems Bunny.

I have to admit, when I first took it out of the package, I was kinda like HOLY SHIT! Dude.. really?

It seemed so HUGE!

Then I started playing with it. Just holding it, seeing what it did. It really wasn't that huge. It was a pretty damn good size!

I did what I called "The 10 days of O" test. Can I use this for 10 days, and have it give me an O every time? How would husband do?

Let's just say we both did fine, and hit 10 in a lot less then 10 days.

I'm going to copy a few things off the box and add my comments.

Power packed vibrations and rotation
Um, YEAH! The push button pulse pad was easy to use and a great work up from lo to hi. Add in the rotation of the head, and the ability to change it's directions, and it got awfully gooey awfully fast.

Synchronized non-jamming Pearl Beads
I have tried these before with little success. This one performed fantastic. The sensation itself was a tease, add the rotation and we're on our way to the big O.

Flickering Bunny Ears for intense clitoral action.
Again, have used these before and found them to die quickly, and not quite stimulate the way I would have hoped. This bunny has magic ears.

100% Waterproof
While it performed well in the shower, I wouldn't recommend submersing it for long periods of time (hot tub, pool), it does really bring up the O fairly quickly once you get all the pieces moving.

Glittering Jelly surface
I like the jelly vibes. Some don't. If you don't this is not for you. It's flexible, jellied, and sparkly! The sparkleys make it very cute.

Battery life - my note - we really did 'use the hell' out of this for the past few weeks, and have not had to change batteries. Battery life seems pretty damn decent.

Overall, I would recommend this Vibrator to any woman that enjoys her partner playing with her, or to play with herself. The O's were amazing, timely and well worth it. It didn't die fast. It kept up with my hard core libido, was easy to use for me and hubs, and worked. Well. Like the title says "It really is power packed".

I would like to thank Drew and Eden Fantasys for the opportunity to test run this Water Gems Bunny. I would say it's a success.

If you are in the market for a sex toy of ANY kind, lingerie, or something for the two of you, go to Eden Fantasys. You won't be disappointed.

I'm not.

Monday is a sneaky bastard

2009-10-19T14:34:00.009-04:00

As you know I'm going to Avitween this week. HOLY SHIT! THIS WEEK!

I kept telling myself - I'll get all that done before I go.. then lo and behold... BANG! Out of time... or almost...

The title should say it all... I just keep thinking of what I have to do - all TONIGHT

1. Come up with a freakin costume (STILL! sorry Daryl, like idea, but not what I was hoping for)
2. Fold the four baskets of laundry that are sitting in the hall since last week.
3. Do more laundry.
4. Fold said more laundry.
5. Make birthday video for someone very special for Wednesday.
6. Write first ever review on this blog (no I'm not getting paid for it- will explain in post)
7. Take fresh gravy & meatballs I made this weekend and break out into freezer size meals
8. Clean kitchen from spending 4 hours making said sauce and meatballs on Saturday
9. Sort mail that is piled up for 3 weeks so hubs can pay bills this weekend.
10. Figure out how to play a game with Geekytaitai on Facebook.
11. Catch up on DVR and Hulu before I leave Thursday.
12. Work 3 12 hour days.
13. Fold that freakin laundry still (I know me, I'm still avoiding it.)
14. 2 weeks of Dexter
15. Shave my big foot hairy legs.

The only thing that can maybe possibly wait is #11, Hulu and Dexter but then I'm behind and won't have any other time to watch either before I leave.

You see, Monday's are kinda 'my night'. Hubs goes out bowling. I get to sit home, relax, avoid any and all housework, have a few cocktails, hang out on Twitter and facebook (maybe - that thing drives me nuts), and watch what I want on TV or on Hulu. No interruptions, no one buggin me.

But this week, I'm screwed. I have to work til 5 Mon, Tues and Wed. While the days off for Avitween will totally be worth it, it's gonna mess with me. I don't get my 'naptime' (3-4:30), and I don't have the rest of the week to push all the things on the list off anymore.

Normally, I'm in bed by 8:30ish, watchin TV, and dead asleep no later then 9:30-10. Tonight, I'll be lucky to be in bed by 10.

Stupid me. Weekend slacker chick was great. Now I pay the price.

Oh well. I'll be kickin my ass into gear when I get home.

But then again.. there is always Tuesday....

Skywatch Friday

2009-10-16T01:59:00.001-04:00

Scenes from the passenger seat

This series of photos are the ones I take as my husband drives me around.

This was on the way to the last night of Tiki this year, October 3rd. I think that's the last really nice day we've had since then.

Click for more Sky Watch Friday!

Whoa.. 2 posts in 1 week???

2009-10-15T11:43:00.005-04:00

Remember on Tuesday when I said I was totally ok with all the Avitween stuff.

Yeah, that didn't last. Oh well.

Started the breakdown last night. The PMS isn't helping either. And while I love the rain, gray days, well, that's not helping me either.

I can't do the original costume idea I wanted cause well, I can't figure out how I'd pee. So that's out, cause I pee alot.

I'm costumeless and idealess.... AAHHHH!

Last night, I also came to the realization (not that I didn't know but I always like to believe the best of people), that a bunch of people that I thought were 'friendly' or 'internet friends' are fake.

And I'm talking, say nice things to your face, talk shit behind your back fake.

I hate fake.

Fake is what make me NOT want to be around people. Places. Parties.

I can't be fake. It's not in me. Trust me, I've tried.

But I've been faked out.

And I can't believe I'm even saying this... It hurt.

I was kinda confused and slightly upset about this last night. All day today all I keep thinking is "Why do I care?" "What does it matter?" "Why do I suddenly feel HighSchool all over again?"

WHY WHY WHY am I letting it get to me?

Cause I'm stupid that way. I'm more sensitive then I let on. And I get hurt too freakin easily. Another reason I stay away from people/places/parties.

I decided to take a break from Twitter and Facebook for a few days. Just to get away from that kind of BS. It's only been one day, I already feel better. My personal strength is getting MUCH better with this kind of stuff.

Then I started thinking about next week and the awesome people that I'm going to see, and how much fun it will be, and that I AM looking forward to those SPECIAL NOT FAKE people.

So what if there are fakers around? I really think I've come to the conclusion, I don't care. Another surprising reaction of myself to myself.

I'm just going to make sure that my Fakedar is on high that night, and steer clear of all the bullshit that goes along with it.

That is why I am getting on a plane one week from today, and going to Florida.

So there. PPPPPPHHHHHHHHTTTTTT!

Now I'm going to eat a bag of salt/vinegar chips cause I don't eat chocolate and the freakin PMS sucks ass!!

Wordless Wednesday

2009-10-14T07:36:00.000-04:00

The Blog post that almost wasn't

2009-10-13T07:21:00.007-04:00

It seems that many people here in blogland have been having issues with posting and/or keeping up their blogs. I'm no different. Heck, I even missed my favorite SkyWatch Friday last week!

On the same note there are those that are keeping up daily (if not more) with their blog and their postings. Those are the ones I try to read every few days and comment on so they know I was there and I love them.

Personally, I'm letting life take over a little bit right now.

I'm not worrying about if/when/what/how I post. I'm not worrying about being on Twitter or Facebook (which I just hate!). I'm worried about making sure that life as we (me, hubs, 5 cats and 4 birds) know it.

Things are a little tight right now. Bills are piling up, creditors are starting to call on medical bills from earlier this year, seems our payments 'aren't enough to keep them from reporting us'. Great. But at this point. I kinda just don't give a shit. It will all work out.

Even then, I'm not over the top worrying freaking out like I used to. (Thank you meds and my awesome counselor!) I guess you can say, I'm finally letting go a bit and going with the flow. Accepting that there are things I just can't control or change no matter what. All I can do is change me.

I'm still having major issues sleeping, the CPAP is just not working as well as I had hoped and was anticipating. But as everything seems to be, it's a work in progress and I'll keep working on it. I'm still totally exhausted daily though.

I'm trying to relax more and just kinda stop and 'smell the roses'. I noticed that I try to rush and do too many things at once that stress me out more then anything. If I take a step back, and prioritize for real, that mess of mail on the kitchen table isn't so bad. The dishes in the sink, eh, they'll make it to the dishwasher eventually. Laundry.. pppphhhttt.. it's not going anywhere.

I feel like in some ways I'm just giving up. But not in a bad way, in a way that is healthy and better for my personal well being.

I'm leaving next week for Florida to go to Avitween. I am looking forward to it. Excited a little even. Seems the neurotic me is ok with this trip and the people I will be seeing and the things I'll be doing. Seems strange to me, but hey, that's what it is! Surprises me personally, usually by now I'd be thinking how to get out of it and not go, but I'm not. I'm not having anxiety attacks or panic attacks over the upcoming weekend either. (hopefully I won't!)

I'm ok with it all. And I like that. And I'm good with that. For a change.

Now all I need is a XXL white trash bag. Anyone have one? Seriously.

And Hulk Hands, I really need Hulk Hands (but that's not for the party).

Wordless Wednesday

2009-10-07T00:58:00.003-04:00

Shannon & Scott - October 7, 2006

Today is a mixed emotion day for me. 3 years ago today, October 7, 2006, Scott & I were married. Really was the best day of my life.

One year ago today, October 7, 2008, my PopPop passed away after a long illness and years of deteriorating health.

I am grateful for two very important things today.

First, that I waited until I was 36yo and married the best thing that ever happened to me. This will be my one and only marriage.

Second, that my PopPop was there to see it. He will always be my one and only PopPop. I miss him.

Nanny & PopPop - October 7, 2006

Bout damn time huh?

2009-10-05T07:30:00.025-04:00

It's Monday again. Seriously, whoever thought this Monday shit up should be shot.

How come when I am not online or don't have access to a computer, I come up with these brilliant ideas for a post, then in reality, when I sit down in front of the damn thing, and can get online, my mind is blank. Can't remember anything!

One thing I remember from yesterday is I kept thinking to myself: "My husband is Archie Bunker. And I'm no Edith! More like Meathead."

We had a really nice weekend. Friday our usual not do anything much. Which is always ok with me, we're both usually pretty tired after the work week anyway. I was in bed kinda early like 9pm.

Saturday we were both looking forward to sleeping in. We had early dinner plans for 4pm at TikiBar for last Tiki of the year. Sleep in like stay in bed til 10ish.

Wouldn't you know it... 8:30am our neighbor decides to pull out the chain saw and take a tree down and then proceeded to cut it up for firewood.

Yeah, we kinda wanted to kill our neighbor. So Scott & I were layin in bed, it was a beautiful morning, breezy, perfect with the windows open, and a chainsaw running. Loudly.

Obviously we got out of bed about 9. Scott actually stood on the back steps giving the neighbor the evil eye for a little bit. I don't think they saw him though. But they ran that thing most of the morning. It was annoying.

We did hunker down on the couch for a little while to watch Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist . I have to say we were pleasantly surprised. It was a pretty cool movie. Cute, not too cute, and fun. Even Scott enjoyed it.

Saturday afternoon/evening, we headed to Tiki Bar for the season finale. As usual, we had a few people with us, ended up with a group of 10. And 2 of them had never been there. It was a lot of fun, the hurricanes were flowing, the food was amazing (cause I'm a freakin awesome cook!). I did sneak in my meat thermometer this trip cause I wanted a filet Mignon and I wanted it medium rare, usually I cook them too long when I'm there. This time, lets just say again - I'm a freakin awesome cook (with the meat thermometer that is!). I think that I will be bringing that again next year when they re-open. Considering I have 3 at home and use them all the time, might as well.

Sunday, well, Sunday's are Football. Period. It was a BYE week for the Eagles so we had 'other' games to watch because of the Fantasy Football crap. I'm gettin my ass kicked. I started off great, then I bragged, now karma is kicking my ass cause of that. So my mouth shall stay shut and Drew Brees better pull his head outta his ass.

I will say, I could have used a break from all the sports. I'm really tired of them, and was hoping to not have to watch anything on Sunday, but noooooooooooo, Scott had other plans.

I did end up watching some TV in the bedroom. Nothing major, just a few movies that happened to be on. The Jerk, Back to the Future, Madagascar 2.

AND tons and tons and tons of laundry. See, our one cat, Wilson, she wants to be 'up' so she tries to climb my clothes that hang in the closet and ends up pulling everything down. I needed to get the closet cleaned out and put back together. Still don't know how to stop her from doing it, but it was really a wreck, and I couldn't find anything at all, so it was time. No, we can't put doors on the closets, they are too small. Trust me, we've gone over a thousand things to stop her. I think double sided tape is the next step. I think that's kind of evil, but she has to stop. She's ruining all my good clothes!

Anyway, I got the closet put back together, but most everything has to be re-washed cause it was covered in cat hair, or all wrinkly from being in a pile on the floor.

Work is a little crazy right now, we are very busy this time of year and we have also gone through massive changes the past few months and the bugs haven't all been worked out. Can be very frustrating at times, but at this point, I'm glad I have a job. (2 seconds after I typed that - our entire system went down, and none of us can do ANYTHING)

I'm getting ready to head to Florida for Avitween. Kinda not sure how I'll do, it's huge socially, tons of people and I'm already a little freaked out. But I know that I'll be there with friends and that will help. And I like my costume, it's gonna be cool. So that's a bonus.

And I finally DID catch up in my Google reader. Without having to use the "Mark All as Read" button too much. I only did that for some photo stuff I follow and people that don't entertain me as much as I would like.

On the health front, I'm doing ok. Better then I was, a lot better, but I seem to be stuck at 52lbs down. Nothing else seems to be going. Need to drop at least another 40. Guess that's what next year is for.

Still not sleeping as well as I would like. The CPAP isn't doing as well as I was hoping and I'm not sure what to do about it. Have another appt w/doc in about 2 weeks, and we'll discuss then. I can sleep with it for about 3 or 4 hours. That seems to be it. I want to get a damn 8 hours of sleep!!!

Think that's about it for my current ramblings and goings on. I'm sure I missed something, but hey, I'll figure it out later. Then quickly forget again. Heh.

Happy Monday, hope you all have a great week.

Skywatch Friday

2009-10-02T08:15:00.004-04:00

Scenes from the passenger seat

This series of photos are the ones I take as my husband drives me around. This was off of the NJ Turnpike on the way to NYC. I liked the bridge. And the big huge storm clouds hanging over it.

Click for more Sky Watch Friday!