Vladmir Strikes Back! x

Hmmm.

2009-07-10T11:12:00.000-07:00

Child molester dancing to a song performed by another child molester. Awesome. RIP.

European bitches

2009-07-06T13:55:00.000-07:00

Greetings from Slovakia, bitches.

Let me just say to you that European bitches are amazing. No matter how fucked up their faces are, or how shitty their language is compared to English, they have legs for days.

Never have i realized how much fat ass american bitches need to get off their ass and move... move somewhere... Mexicans move back to mexico and anything other than white bitches, please move as well.

Secondly, ethnicites of European women are so condensed. It is lovely. Each country has a distinct taste of women. Walking down the street i dont have to worry about the random ugly fat mexican that i might happen upon that might ruin my boner that i have mustered from the few hot bitches i have seen. Dont fret though Americans, I have been letting my American flag staff fly all day (sadly only americans recognize it). God bless aMerica.

Please wait for a picture of my 4th of july celebration here in europe.

Independence

2009-07-04T01:25:00.001-07:00

What was widely viewed across the pond as a bunch of tea bagging faggots quickly turned to a full blown revolution.

Dumb asses today tea bag to make some kind of point about something.

When the colonies revolted, they were led by thinkers like Thomas Paine and Thomas Jefferson.

Today, tea baggers are led by Glenn Beck.

Ah, God bless America. Give a man a microphone and he automatically thinks his mouth is his brain. Thank you, America. Thank you, George Washington for all you risked to give us the 24 hour news cycle. Happy birthday, America.

Thriller

2009-06-25T16:25:00.001-07:00

He kinda looked like my high school girlfriend in that picture

I was at work serving an eternal line of face fucker customers.

I had unexpected sexual stimulation from my phone vibrating non-stop for about 5 minutes.

I came a little.

I heard from a manager that Michael Jackson was dead.

I didn't believe her, but I did have a weird sinking feeling. The feeling you get after you jerked off to Japanese scat porn. The "something's fucked up here" feeling.

Then I checked my phone messages and saw that tons of people texted me to inform me that Michael Jackson died. It was fucking true because everyone said it was true, dammit.

During my childhood, I loved Michael Jackson until he started loving other people's childhoods too much. Still, Thriller is a great album and if anything people should remember him by that.

Also, one person texted me to tell me that the Dodgers lost. This was a real heart breaker because I lost 20 on the game.

Bright idea

2009-06-20T19:45:00.001-07:00

Wow, this is so horrible on so many levels.

Why post this publicly? Especially when so many people are merely pseudo-friends who are just looking for ways to make fun of you?

There's a dance move that requires a bathroom sink? Who does dance moves after taking a shit?

This deserves to be mad fun of and I am doing it.

Sports betting

2009-06-17T17:28:00.000-07:00

Very recently a friend of mine introduced me to sports betting. At first, I was very suspicious of the whole thing but now I am addicted.

I don't have a blackberry or any new-fangled, fancy schmancy, faggotorious phone so I keep the teams I've bet on in the back of my pocket notebook and constantly text message this friend for updates on the games. I have become obsessed.

The problem is when you win your bets. I am not an experienced jockey so I never know when to get off a winning horse. I feel today may be the day of my destruction (or major come-up).

Cross your fingers and hope Seattle, Tampa Bay, Milwaukee, LA Dodgers, St. Louis, and NY Yankees win. Those fuckers, the Giants, didn't win so I'm already down for the day. If none of these teams win expect to see me sobbing uncontrollably as I stroke myself back to my senses.

The violence in Iran

2009-06-15T11:16:00.001-07:00

When governments become too sure of themselves to even blatantly rig elections and then call them "divine assessment," it is up to the people to take matters into their own hands. Their votes, the institutional right given from the government to the people to give them a voice, did not count. When a right is taken away, especially when it is the most fundamental right to a democracy, matters must be taken outside of the institution.

This is how true democracies are won.

Democracy cannot be bombed onto or forced on by foreigners like we tried to do in Iraq. It has to start at home and in Iran, it is starting.

Even though Mousavi is pro-nuclear and not exactly what the West would hope for in a leader, he is leagues away from the thug Ahmadinejad. It is my sincerest hope that the riots grow stronger in Iran. Ahmadinejad is an arrogant prick and deserves this unrest.

That and I bet on Mousavi, dammit!

EDIT:

LAKERS!!!

Out of Stater Haters

2009-06-12T12:23:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I got into what could quite possibly be the worst road rage argument I've ever been in. I say 'quite possibly' because I have no memory anymore but I'm pretty sure this one takes the cake.

So... I'm sitting at a big intersection minding my own business and behind me is a douche bag in a mini van with his fat ugly toothless wife next to him and retarded piece of shit kids jumping all over the back seat. All of a sudden douche bag decides that he wants to turn left so he cuts off a city bus to quickly get into the left turn lane. The city bus honks at him. In my opinion, if a bus honks at you, this means you are driving like an idiot. The light turns green and all of a sudden douche bag decides he doesn't want to turn left anymore, he wants to go straight, so he cuts me off in the middle of the fucking intersection with no blinker. Of course, I honk, and when I honk, it's not quick, I let it go for a good ten seconds so douche bag is well aware that I'm pissed. Douche bag flips me off, so I do the same. This goes on for a good mile until we find ourselves right next to each other at the next red light. This is when the screaming fest begins:

DB: You tried to hit me!
Me: Have you heard of using a blinker?!
DB: Whatever! Blinker! Whatever! You tried to hit me!
Me: Are you hearing yourself?! Yes, you're right, I tried to hit you. I WANT to fuck up my car! That's EXACTLY what I was trying to do!
DB: You know what?! Everyone in California drives like morons! I'm from Cleveland and in Cleveland people let other people over!
Me: You don't need to say anything else! That explains it all! Do people in Cleveland know how to use fucking blinkers?!
(Light turns green)
DB: You know what! You have a nice day!
Me: You know what! Go back to fucking Cleveland because we don't want you here you piece of shit!

Believe it or not, this is the condensed version. The actual incident consisted of more of the douche bag repeating himself and calling me a moron and more of me cussing and screaming 'fuck you, go fuck yourself'.

Moral of the story: if you happen to live in one of the 49 states besides California, FUCKING STAY THERE.

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LOL! GHEHEHEHE

2009-06-12T12:05:00.001-07:00

Parents just don't understand.

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Word Nazi

2009-06-08T18:20:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone out there in VSBX-land.

Last night whilst playing darts at jackjack's home we were having a delightful conversation about the movie "The Hangover." Some of my friends sneaked in. I didn't see it with them so I paid like an upstanding American fucking citizen (before you give me any awards I assure you, I would have sneaked in had I the chance).

Well when recounting the stories I used the word "sneaked." CHR, the resident Word Nazi, cackled her well known cackle and said, "SNEAKED isn't a word! It's SNUCK!" Following the word "snuck" she let out another cackle that would make the Wicked Witch of the West jealous.

I replied, "I'm pretty sure sneaked is okay."

"No. SNEAKED isn't a word. It's snuck!"

I gave up saying, "Okay, you know what I was trying to say. Let's agree to disagree."

The game of darts continued.

Today I remembered what happened and decided to open up a dusty dictionary.

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/sneaked

"—Usage note
First recorded in writing toward the end of the 19th century in the United States, snuck has become in recent decades a standard variant past tense and past participle of the verb sneak: Bored by the lecture, he snuck out the side door. Snuck occurs frequently in fiction and in journalistic writing as well as on radio and television: In the darkness the sloop had snuck around the headland, out of firing range. It is not so common in highly formal or belletristic writing, where sneaked is more likely to occur. Snuck is the only spoken past tense and past participle for many younger and middle-aged persons of all educational levels in the U. S. and Canada. Snuck has occasionally been considered nonstandard, but it is so widely used by professional writers and educated speakers that it can no longer be so regarded."

I know you don't want to read that so I'll summarize: both forms are acceptable except that "snuck" became popular because toothless peasants started using it because it sounded "better."

Next time the Vladman says "sneaked," shut your face up you toothless peasant.

For the record: I maintained that both forms were acceptable so I reserve the right to say them both.

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The Bushman and Kim Jong-Il

2009-05-26T09:16:00.000-07:00

North Korea is testing us. The reason they are testing us is because we are so mired in Iraq, they want to see how far they can push us before meaningless UN resolutions turn into real action.

Bushman screwed the US by going after a country who had no WMDs, who posed no credible threat to the US and blah blah blah that's old news. The problem is we no longer have the resources to attack credible threats.

Kim Jong-Il is a decrepit old man and we need to tear his ass a new one. What we did in Iraq is what we should do in North Korea. Destroy the leadership. How do we do that now? No fucking idea.

You tell me.

The joy of modern life

2009-05-25T11:12:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I think that the world is too computerized and bullshitty with our yearly American Idol contests, our Twitters, blogs, Facebooks, and manufactured NBA playoff narratives (Lebron vs. Kobe ... NO CONTEST. KOBE.)

Occasionally, though, I love the modern world. Today you can be a peeping tom without ever even leaving your armchair. Armchair voyeurism. Armchair snooping. Real life soap operas. It makes my boner itch just thinking about it!

I'm friends with two people who are dating on facebook. They have their twitters linked up to their facebook or whatever (don't know shit about what it all is and I feel like a total fag either twitter or facebook let alone both in the same sentence.) Turns out there is trouble in paradise.

This morning opened with the female saying something to the extent of, "I got a lot off my breasts this morning. I don't know what to do with myself! =("

Oh yeah, I curled up with my cup of coffee just waiting to see the response of the male.

10 minutes later he facebooks his status: "Who's it gonna be... him or me?! What's he have that I don't!?"

This is like the good episode of Full House when DJ has to choose between the burnout guitar player and the young and nerdy entrepreneur.

These two do this all the time and unfortunately this story probably will end like the rest of them. The guy will put his dick between his legs, admit he was 100% wrong in everything and commit the ultimate act of apologizing and proving his love to his two timin' bitch. His status update will read: "I love [first name][middle name][last name][then his last name as a little joke to imply that they were meant for each other and will eventually get married because they can resolve problems!]"

She will get his status update while the other man is boning her in the ass on his armchair browsing through people's facebooks.

Why the Chinese will inherit the world

2009-05-23T18:52:00.000-07:00

This.

They have a culture based around non-bullshit. Americans, take notes.

Where bad commercials happen

2009-05-18T08:51:00.000-07:00

Maybe when I was young I didn't notice how much was being advertised to me but the NBA playoffs this year are ridiculous.

If I have to hear Tyler Perry say "Very Funny" one more time I swear I'm going to go crazy. If I have to see another Jada Pinkett-Smith commercial for what looks like the worst drama concept in the history of bad drama I will forever hate nurses. If I have to see Zack Morris with long, gay hair in a bad court room drama I'm going to commit some crimes.

What the hell is up with those moving graphics that take up one quarter of screen randomly during games? Why do announcers have to force "Don't forget to see the season premiere of some crappy TNT drama this JULY?" into their commentary. Their commentary is bad enough.

If you're watching the playoffs in standard definition, how annoying is it to see the game screen shrink to the size of an jpeg thumbnail while they go over some T-Mobile fave 5 plays of the game bullshit? It's annoying in HD; it's got to be infuriating in SD.

That being said, GO LAKERS! Fuck you, celtics! (celtics --> no caps because I have no respect for them. keep crying, pierce. doc rivers looked like he was swallowing a frog at the end of the game. HA!)

Retail warrior

2009-05-17T20:27:00.000-07:00

Retail workers have to deal with a lot of shit. Most people are half-retarded, most people all full ugly and we have to ask permission from our "superiors" to use the restroom.

Today, I had to use the restroom. I asked like a good little worker if I could use it. They let me. It felt like a huge shit rumbling down my tummy and I needed to go bad. So I ran like a good little worker to the bathroom, unzipped my piss pants, and sat down.

What came out? Nothing but a violent fart.

When I got back the supervisor asked "1 or 2?"

I had no answer. So I thought on the fly (I'm fucking good at that shit). I said, "It was nothing but a glorified fart?"

"Glorified fart?"

"You know, when you think you gotta shit but all that comes out is a loud roar and no shit. You still wipe anyways because a fart that violent probably produced a little Hershey squirt. That's a glorified fart, my friend."

Glorified fart. New term. Use it.

Let's make it easy on ourselves

2009-05-17T01:58:00.000-07:00

Hey to all you five fucking readers out there:

I pissed all over myself tonight.

Should I wear the same jeans to work tomorrow? You decide!

Pics of the year.

2009-05-09T17:21:00.001-07:00

All I can tell you is... Rihanna. [_Ego.]

Marshall Mathers vs. Nick Carey

2009-05-09T16:32:00.000-07:00

As many of you may know, Eminem is releasing his 6th studio album called, "Relapse." Recently Em's album was leaked and Nick Cannon got an early listen. In the song, "Bagpipes from Baghdad," Em states that he wants Mariah Carey "back" from Nick Cannon, callin him a punk and a prick. He also mentions that MC is a whore.

Anyways, here are some excerpts from Nick Cannon's message via his blog:

btw, this is really long. and stupid. oh and stupid... I'm talking a ridic amount of stupidity.

So as I continued to semi enjoy Marshall’s rhyme scheme and flow, I mean let’s be honest dude used to be incredible. He was a witty lyrist with dope delivery and timing. Some even say, one of the best to ever do it. I had nothing but respect for this dude. But all of a sudden I hear my name in the verse! My first reaction was like, “This is his new shit??? Wow, that’s too bad…” Then I felt sorry for him because he must really be stuck in the past. Not only has his music not evolved, but also homeboy is still obsessed with my wife, the same female that wouldn’t let him get to second base from 8 years ago! He even describes his desperate lameness in this bad excuse for storytelling track. That’s some real middle school shit right there! (What type of grown ass man lies about getting with a chick) Only Slim Lamey! LOL!

Then, without listening to either one of the voices on my shoulders, I analyzed the situation from a logical perspective. Am I going to battle Eminem and try to out rap him? No, that would be stupid. The dude is nice on the mic. Even though nowadays he lacks substance, rapping about when he used to be hot. Like when Al Bundy gloats about his High school football prime.

Then I asked myself should I go find this Bitch and just whoop his little ass? But that might have just been the Creatine and protein shakes talking! LOL. Even though most people don’t know that I’m nice in the ring and have been training in boxing and Martial Arts for years that would just be childish and silly of me to bully this dude. He clearly has been picked on all his life and I would hate to add to his deep-rooted pain. As we all know he has had a hard life and has major insecurity issues and is very confused and unhappy with himself. So a guy like that doesn’t really need another ass whoopin, he needs a hug. We should really pray for his troubled heart.

I’m taking full action on you Eminem. I don’t know why no one has stood up to your bitch ass yet. But I guess it’s going to take a corny, wack rapping, boy toy from Nickelodeon to set you straight. And trust, I am going to be relentless. Even though I got a lot of other obligations and occupations, you are my new full time job “homey”! As a matter of fact I think you going to bring my wack rhymes out of retirement! That’s right haters; you can thank Eminem because I’m going to start rapping again! LOL Just for him! And don’t forget about the jokes! We coming at you hard body!! Non-stop on your Manic-depressive-Insecure-Maclovin-Nazi- Liza Minelli haircut havin-lookin ass!! [Pause] That’s what I do all day Bitch!

So Miss Marshall, I’m going to make you wish you never spoke my name and regret the ungodly things you said about my wife. This is going to be fun! It’s however you want it! Just remember, you did this to yourself! Your legacy has now been tainted from this day forth! You will now be known as the rapper who lost to Corny-ass Nick Cannon!!!

Gentle Dental

2009-05-06T23:13:00.000-07:00

Today, I drove home and I noticed that on brookhurst and lincoln, there is a dental spot called "Gentle Dental." Tell me that isn't the most awesomest name for a dental clinic.

For the record, I absolutely hate dentists. I hate them... dentists and anyone else associated with them. The past couple times that I've showed up for a dentist appointment in the past year were unpleasant and nightmarish. The personal assistants who strive to be a dentist in the long run are always clueless and stupid, all they know and care about is the minimal tasks they're required of that fall under their work description and nothing else. For example, the assistant takes the x-rays of your teeth and you ask a question such as, "oh, how do my teeth look?" or, "are my wisdom teeth coming out yet?" they answer with, "oh, i'm sorry you'll have to ask the denist when he gets to you in a moment." Wtf. You know how to take the x-rays but you can't read em. I'm sure you learned that shit in dental school dumbnut, now I gotta wait a half an hour sitting all by lonesome just for an answer/opinion. You strive to be a dentist yet you know squat. How bout the financial advisor that the dentist provides for you.. one word, bullshit. They screw you like hinges. "Oh hey there! looks like you need a lot of work done.. blah blah here are your options: 1) I can lie to you and tell you that your teeth are going to fucking rot in hell if you decide not to go through with the operation 2) You can let me squeeze as much money as I can out of you AND your insurance 3) If you don't have the money, you can apply for our low interest credit card with no APR for the first 6 months!!..... Why, oh why would I need a credit card strictly for dental work? Dentists, you are the bullshitter of all bullshit. The three magic words are, "We're almost done." Recently, I got ONE lousy wisdom tooth removed and it took a whole hour and a half for them to chip away at it. Long story short, it was a premature operation to remove one wisdom tooth for the sake of using up the money you are granted each year by your insurance before the money becomes expendable and your term re-ups.

I don't even want to go into detail. I'm tired, buzzed and can't finish.

Anyways, Gentle Dental sounds like a dentist I would go to. I wonder if you live up to your name.

Floss kids.

DISRESPECT

2009-05-06T23:05:00.000-07:00

skip to my lou doin mad work on a weak ass celtic.

big ups to d.fish and the lakeshow tonight.. you made us proud tonight.

Let's talk about skin tags

2009-05-04T21:38:00.000-07:00

For quite some time I had a skin tag under my armpit. I don't know why it showed up, it just did.

So I did some internet research about safe ways to get rid of them. Previously I just burned the one on my neck and plucked it off. That doesn't seem safe and it definitely wouldn't be safe under my pits.

One way was to cut it off. I can't do that. I love myself too much to cut a piece of me off.

There were a few other ways but I picked the most pansy one. Tying a string around the base of the skin tag and waiting for it to fall off. I forced my ladyfriend to tie the string so I could blame her if I got cancer or had to get my arm amputated.

Days later, it shriveled up and died. As I went to throw it in the trash I though about how similar it looked to a bloody booger. Boy, did I love the salty sweet taste of blood burgers. So I swallowed it.

Now it's in the ocean because I shit it out.

Piggybacking...

2009-04-30T10:56:00.001-07:00

on Vlads post:

I love capitalism....Well it is a love/hate relationship.

"Federal Fair Labor Standards Act"
-Employees younger than twenty may be hired for a somewhat lower "opportunity wage" for ninety calendar days

Sound familiar to anyone? 90 day reviews?

Fuck Costco <3 adderall

EDIT: "computer professionals have a much higher minimum wage"

Swine flu and swine

2009-04-29T14:52:00.000-07:00

Yo what the hell is up, mutha fuckers?

So this whole swine flu has everyone paranoid and hating Mexico again but please allow me to throw my dos pesos into this opinion arena.

Wash your motherfucking hands after you piss and shit.

When you cough, cough into a napkin and throw that goddamn napkin away.

Why am I saying this? I work serving a bunch of pigs. Maybe some of them will get the swine flu, maybe some of them already have them. I don't want it. Every day I go to work I see people who don't wash their hands. If you spend 10 minutes making a beautiful symphony of farts and caca, you can definitely spend 15 seconds washing your hands. I can't even begin to count the times I've seen shit on the floor and ON (read that ON, not IN) the toilet. People are disgusting. At least wash your hands.

Some older lady borrowed my pen to write her check. Before doing anything she coughed onto my pen. I'm an asshole and I open my mouth when this kind of shit happens so I said, "You can keep then pen when you're done." She got in a geriatric huff and was offended that I wouldn't want her ancient germs. After writing her check she slammed the pen back on the check stand as if to say, "You'll come to your senses and want your pen back." Before she left I made it a point to get a bunch of paper towels to pick up the pen and threw it away in front of her. No, I will not come to my senses.

My point is... I need a new job.

Man vs. Turtle

2009-04-27T22:49:00.000-07:00

while studying...

2009-04-24T13:15:00.000-07:00

Ive noticed your neck will hurt depending on your writing hand.

Pay attention to your angles!

<3 adderal