Our Intrepid Hero

Episode 32: Adventures in Japan

2008-08-15T17:34:00.000-07:00

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When last we left our intrepid hero he was lunching with Bigfoot in a Georgia forest when they were suddenly attacked. Our hero escaped, and in spite of claims to the contrary, so did Bigfoot.

Our hero, and his faithful companion Super-Girlfriend Girl were summoned on a secret mission to Japan in order to attend Super-Girlfriend Girl’s twin sister, Twin-Sister Girl’s wedding. They hopped into their trusty time machine, known as a Boeing 777, and flew into the future arriving on Monday while it was still Sunday back in the States.

Immediately they were hit by the 90-Degrees-And-Humid Monster, who unfortunately dominates Japan in August. Little was to be done, except to wear as little clothing as possible and seek out air conditioning wherever possible.

Our heroes spent several days attacking the urban jungle of the Yokohama and the greater Tokyo area, vanquishing Godzilla, Mothra, Mecha-Godzilla, and several other foes along the way. They also enjoyed cake on the 70th floor of Yokohama’s landmark tower in the middle of a thunderstorm, shopping in Ginza, and exploring Tokyo’s subway system.

One morning, they took their lives into their own hands, dodging and evading forklifts and scooters, to check out the Tsukiji fish market. They found themselves the only tourists in a sea of fish merchants stretching out as far as the eye could see. (Unsure if they were in an area where tourists were technically allowed, they did not take pictures. Also, any momentary pause risked getting plowed down by a machine or merchant carrying fish.) Afterwards they had enjoyed the freshest and best sushi known to man, even sampling some whale, which tasted just like sushi, only chewier.

Later that day they went to the Fisherman’s Wharf of Tokyo: Asakusa Temple, where everyone around them was a tourist, even the Japanese.

Then our heroes boarded a bullet train for the trek south to Matsuyama, the site of the impending nuptials. There, they were forced to endure a string of events wherein they were questioned, probed, fed good food, smiled at, and talked about in a foreign language by Twin-Sister Girl’s Japanese soon-to-be in-laws. After much smiling and nodding, this too was survived.

The wedding itself was highly enjoyable, especially the buffet, featuring Kobe beef and freshly rolled Sushi. Hmm…

Our heroes then returned to Tokyo for one last day of relieving Japan of it’s fine consumables, our hero going so far as to purchase a painting while Super-Girlfriend Girl purchased a very nice bag.

Finally, they re-boarded their time machine, leaving Tokyo at 6pm on Tuesday, arriving in San Francisco 6 hours earlier.

When will our hero post pictures of his Japanese adventure?
Could NBC’s coverage of the Olympics possibly be any worse?
How many people on the west coast don’t realize their coverage is tape delayed?
And most importantly…
Who will win the gold medal in the steeple chase?

Find out the answers to these important questions and more in the next episode of
Our Intrepid Hero

Episode 31: On Assignment

2008-08-01T17:45:00.000-07:00

Our Hero is about to go on assignment for 8 days in Japan. He expects to write more when he gets back.

In the meantime, here are some photos of his recent trip to Huzzy Lake:

Episode 30: Huzzy Lake

2008-07-23T18:00:00.000-07:00

Photo Credit

When last we left our intrepid hero, he had stumbled across the ultimate power in the universe! It was suggested he use it. Then he was reminded not to be too proud of the technological terror he’d created.

Upon arriving at his annual superhero family meeting at his parent’s secret hideout on Huzzy Lake in Lawton, Mi, our hero settled into the grueling daily grind:

Mornings our hero would sleep in while his niece and 4 nephews, ranging in age from 10 to 4 years old, ate breakfast and participated in physical and mental agility exercises otherwise known as “play”. His nephew Jackzilla would get up at the crack of down, wake his father, and go attempt to rid the lake of bass on the new Bass-Boatbile. They had generally returned by the time our hero rolled out of bed and ate breakfast.

Then the kids would be mobilized. Everyone would change into their special water resistant uniforms and march down the long stairs to the beach where the children would participate in aquatic play drills while our hero and his sister’s sat and read technical manuals and other important security briefs.

Occasionally the adults would be called upon to join the children in the water, generally to lead an assault on the swim platform, beating it into submission by repeatedly jumping off of it into the water.

Then, back up to house for lunch. The children would then watch instructional videos cleverly disguised as popular movies or cartoons while the adults continued reading their novels… or, um, technical manuals.

Then back down to the beach and into the Bass-Boatbile. Only this time, two superheros would sit on Big Mabel, an inflatable raft like object secured to the boat by a long cord and then towed around the lake at high speed. “Tubing” as lay people call it, allows the young heroes to become acclimated to the high speed travel associated with being a superhero and provides the adults the opportunity to squeal like little children. Then our hero’s sisters turned the raft around to ride chariot style, a dangerous endeavor that involves holding on for dear life while Dad-Maniac-Driver tries to throw them from the raft.

After tubing drills, more time would be spent in the assault on the lake’s fish population. However as all caught fish were released, not net gain was made. Then dinner. Then more playing. Then generally much screaming and rending of garments would ensue as the children, now overcome by the Over-Tired-Monster, began to become cranky and irritable. Fortunately the adult heroes had an answer to the problem, sending them all downstairs to bed.

With them out of the way, the adult heroes could drink chocolate milk while eating cheese doodles and laugh themselves silly playing games.

Lather, rinse, repeat.
Who caught the biggest fish?
How long will our hero stay so relaxed after the trip?
And most importantly…
Did anyone leave anything behind?

Find out the answers to these important questions and more in the next episode of
Our Intrepid Hero

Episode 29: This Morning.

2008-07-16T18:00:00.000-07:00

When last we left our intrepid hero he was realizing that it’s far easier to write these post the more frequently he does them. When lots of time passes he feels compelled to write about everything, which is just not practical. He theorizes that he smaller window of time being chronicled, the easier and more entertaining the post.

This morning, our hero was roused from a sound sleep by the evil Alarm Monster. He defeated him with a single swat to the Monster’s snooze bar. The Monster inexplicably re-awoke 10 minutes later. Our hero silenced the Monster again, but this time permanently.

After lying in bed for 5 minutes to recover from the intense struggle that dispatched the Alarm Monster, our hero got up and prepared for the day. But this was no ordinary day for which he was preparing. Later that day, in fact so much later that day it would actually be tomorrow, our hero was to board a special jet plane and fly to cosmopolitan Detroit. Upon arriving early the next morning, our hero would then drive to a secret location in Southwestern Michigan for a meeting of his immediate superhero clan.

Unfortunately, our hero had been hit by Not-Entirely-Finished-Packing Man. He hurriedly threw anything he thought he needed into his suitcase as a counter attack, but the damage was done. He was fated to leaving the house without at least 1 or 2 things he’d meant to bring.

By the time he’d finished packing, battled with Dishes-That-Need-Washing Man and Removing-Every-Scrap-Of-Exposed-Food-Material-From-All-Surfaces-Lest-The-Fruit-Fly-Infestation-Continue Woman, he was racing out the door close to a half an hour late.

And so it was: He arrived at work 30 minutes late. And so it shall be recorded for all eternity in the electronic sheets of his time. And so he will stay at work until 5:30 to make up the lost time for time cannot be lost. And happy are those that read this for their children and their children’s children shall enjoy bountiful harvests all of their days.

What did our hero forget?
Will he get sufficient sleep on the red-eye?
And most importantly…
Will he have to wait long at airport security?

Find out the answers to these important questions and more in the next episode of
Our Intrepid Hero

Episode 28: The One Finger

2008-07-03T13:46:00.000-07:00

When last we left our intrepid hero he was battling orcs on the side of Mount Doom when Isildur, son of Elendil, cut the One Ring from Sauron’s hand. You didn’t know he was there then, did you?

Many thousands of years later, during the age of man, long after the last of the elves had sailed off into the west, our hero discovered a strange protuberance at the base of the knuckle on his left hand. While his trusty physician Doctor-Man insisted it was probably just a ganglion cyst, our hero knew better.

For you see, our hero was once a ring bearer, having briefly tried on one of the seven dwarf rings when Thrain II had come by to pick up TV tray our hero had borrowed. Thrain wanted it back to add to his treasure horde, and because he’d gotten really into Middle Earth Idol and wanted to be able to eat dinner more easily while watching. Anyway, when Thrain came over, our hero was doing the dishes and Thrain was shocked to see our hero washing the dishes without gloves on.

“You don’t have dish-pan hands” said Thrain.

“Of course not, I use Palmolive. It softens hands while you do dishes.”

“No, really? Palmolive?”

“You’re soaking in it.”

Thrain looked down and his hand was indeed submerged in a floating bowl of Palmolive that had appeared out of nowhere. Thrain was impressed with how smooth his hands felt, but after he left with his TV tray, our hero noticed something glinting on the floor. Slippery from the soap, Thrain’s ring of power had slipped off. Our hero immediately sent word to Thrain who rushed back for it, but in the meantime our hero tried it on, out of curiosity.

Well, let’s just say that even after Thrain had picked up the ring, our hero could still feel its grasp on his finger. That is, until Frodo destroyed the One Ring. Then his finger was fine.

Until he discovered the “ganglion cyst” as Doctor-Man called it! Fearing the return of Sauron, our hero quickly scheduled an appointment with Hand-Surgeon-Man to have the cyst removed. The procedure went off without a hitch last Friday and our hero is recovering nicely. He has the stitches out next Tuesday.

Then he will take the cyst and plunge it deep into the fires of Mt. Doom, just to be sure.

When will Galadriel return our hero’s calls?
When will Frodo get the hint and stop calling our hero?
And most importantly…
Who will be the next Middle Earth Idol?

Find out the answers to these important questions and more in the next episode of
Our Intrepid Hero

Episode 27: Birthday!

2008-06-16T16:57:00.001-07:00

Tara and I

When last we left our intrepid hero he was so scarred from the last Hulk movie that he vowed not to see the new one, no matter how many good reviews it got.

Last weekend our hero was overwhelmed with special super secret BIRTHDAY MISSIONS. That’s right, our hero turned a year older on Sunday, but don’t look for his name on the ballot this November 4th. In spite of his super hero abilities, he’s still too young to run for President.

The BIRTHDAY MISSONS began Saturday afternoon when he joined forces with Miss-Tara-Super-Friend Woman, who’s birthday was Saturday, to have the first annual Alan and Tara Mini-Golf Open at McInnis Park in Marin. With prizes available for Best Trash Talking, Best Dressed, and Best Overall Style as well as lowest and highest score, close to 20 people turned out to compete.

Karen, Laurie, me as "Best Dressed Male", and Diana

Miss-Tara finished with the lowest score at 51. Our hero used his fabulous powers to score one hole-in-one on the treacherous course as well as bringing home the prize for Best Dressed Male, thanks largely to a pair of checked pants purchased the week before at a vintage shop in the Mission. Miss-Rachael-Johnny-Friday Girl won Best Dressed Female thanks to her old-school dress, heels, and parasol. She also took home highest overall score with a 76. How can you be expected to put well in high heels?

Rachael as "Best Dressed Female"

Then all entrants went out for pizza. Er, except the Pizza place had been attacked by the Closed-When-They-Said-They’d-Be-Open Monster. So everyone went next door to the World’s Most Expensive But Oh So Good Deli, where cake was eaten and presents opened.

Our hero then leant his super-human card playing abilities to the Impact Theatre Full Houses Poker Tournament and Fundraiser. Unfortunately our hero was no match for Everyone-Else-Who-Actually-Knew-How-To-Play-Poker and was eliminated after 2 hours of playing. You might think that good, but he was still one of the first 5 eliminated. Fortunately that left him more free time to drink, eat free pizza, and tons and tons of sweets.

Then Sunday, our hero’s actual birthday, he spent a relaxing day with Miss-Diana-Super Girlfriend. They went to the Berkeley Marina and flew Barnaby the Wonder Kite (A present from Larry-Man the day before). Then they explored a new seafood restaurant near our hero’s super lair. He had Opah, the fish, not the talk-show host.

Oh, and our hero got fabulous presents from Miss D! Including Elvis shot glasses, a new bag, a Cubs shirt, and Cubs tickets (for when they play the Giants)! Woohoo!

Can the Cubs continue their winning ways?
Will the Mets fire Willie Randolph... oh wait, they did.
and most importantly...
Where are my keys?

Find out the answers to these important questions and more in the next episode of
Our Intrepid Hero

View the whole Birthday photo album:

Birthday Birthday

Episode 26: The Journey South

2008-06-02T22:20:00.000-07:00

When last we left our intrepid hero he was picking mutton out of his teeth with the bones of his vanquished foes. Burp.

Last weekend, our hero flew down to LA for various ultra-secret super hero missions. One of which involved his attendance at Book Expo America. His hero-plane was due to leave shortly after work, requiring him to bring his luggage with him. When he arrived at his place of business he realized his BEA Badge was still on the fridge at home. Curses!

He went home on his lunch break to get it. Phew.

Then left his toothbrush at work. Foiled!

Upon his arrival in LA he called his super-hero contact Bix-Di-Guild Mistress and had a very confusing conversation with her. Then he arrived at her house to be greeted by her very confused room-mate Billy The Kid. Our hero was then very confused since the Bix-Di-Guild Mistress had said his bed would be made and a toothbrush waiting for him. But no toothbrush or made bed awaited him.

He used his special super-hero texting device to contact her. He used his special super-hero communicator to leave her a voice message.

And then the shoe drops! She thought our hero was arriving the following night! And the confusion lifts. Huzzah!

The next day our hero awoke at 5am to go to BEA and stalk Neil Gaiman; he finally cornered him at an autographing booth where he got a signed copy of The Graveyard Book due in stores in October.

Then he had a fabulous time drinking with his former boss Clair-Same-As-Always Woman and eventually showed up at birthday party where he stayed until far too late and returned back to Di’s super-lair after having been awake for nearly 24 hours.

The next day he enjoyed a wonderful BBQ and party at Bas-The-Dutchman’s new pad enjoying the company of many a monger and “entertainer contracted by the Southern Renaissance Faire.” He also got to see Christy-Finally-Moving-Out Woman, his friend who fights crime in San Jose and yet our hero never sees.

He spent his last day manning the fort at his former employer’s booth at BEA., defending it from free-loaders, selling off its contents, and finally packing it up for its return voyage to Oakland. The highlight being when the future mother of our hero’s children, Bernadette Peters came by the booth.

Episode #25: Laryngitis

2008-05-14T16:18:00.000-07:00

When last we left our intrepid hero he had slipped through a hole in the fabric of the universe. Fortunately a friend of his was able to darn it and get thing back on track again.

Our hero has been performing in Un-Scripted’s Theater: The Musical, making use of his superhuman knowledge of playwrights and his less-than-human singing abilities. Last weekend he headed into a grueling string of three performances on back-to-back days.

A short time into the performance on Thursday, our hero realized his character would have to explode in yelling rage at some point in the show. He immediately began pounding Slippery Elm as a preemptory strike against Ripped-To-Shreds-Voice Monster. The moment came and our hero was only visited by the Slightly-Ripped-Voice Monsterling.

He moved through the next two shows without much difficulty, and then spent an enjoyable Sunday with supergirlfriend. Monday, however, our hero’s throat was attacked by Laryngitis Man! Oh no! His stronghold on our hero’s throat has strengthened with each passing day leaving him unable to speak and feeling like he has barbed wire in his larynx.

But that’s not all! Now he’s been hit by Unbelievable-Sinus-Pressure Girl, often the precursor of Sinus-Infection Woman whom he hopes not to have to come to blows with. Unfortunately one of his biggest weapons against Unbelievable-Sinus-Pressure Girl, Sudafed, only strengthens Laryngitis Man.

While our hero having completely lost his voice is somewhat frustrating, it’s lead to many humorous situations, including this blog post on Experiment Farm, which our hero admits he find highly amusing for reasons he can’t quite explain.

How will he defeat these two valiant foes?
Will he be able sing in time for the show Thursday night?
And most importantly…
Will his teeth survive all this honey he’s drinking in warm water?

Find out the answers to these important questions and more in the next episode of
Our Intrepid Hero

Episode 24: DATELINE Last Weekend & Upcoming Performanc Schedule

2008-05-02T15:34:00.000-07:00

When last we left our intrepid hero he’d sunk his entire life savings into surplus dandelion green futures. He expects to be rich by August.

DATELINE: Friday night
Our hero and Super Girl went on a reconnaissance mission to Berkeley Rep’s 30 Below Night performance of Figaro. They explored the taste sensation that is a French Martini, and somehow managed to survive the first act of the show in spite of the ongoing battle with What-The-Hell-Is-The-Point-Of-This Man. They defeated him by escaping at intermission.

Then they trundled off to Miss-Rachael-Jonny-Friday Girl’s House Cooling Party, where they attacked her surplus of beer. Our hero’s only previous visit to Miss-R’s secret hideout was for her House Warming Party. He enjoyed the symmetry.

DATELINE: Saturday
Our Hero, Super Girl, Miss-Susan-Improva Mama and her sidekick Wonder Baby wandered into Golden Gate Park to a secret meeting of the Miss-Laurie-Our-New-Improv-Friend Woman’s birthday party.

They enjoyed the sunny abnormally warm temperatures and Miss-Laurie’s co-workers fine homebrew. Wonder Baby attacked a bag of Clementine oranges which she kept calling “apples”. She would bite one, through the rind, until she got to the orange itself. She’d make a face. Suck on the juice. Eat a bit of the orange, and then attack the next one. “One of these has got to be an apple. Nope, not this one. Nope, not this one. Nope, not this one.”

As Super Girl said “Apples and Oranges, Wonder Baby, Apples and Oranges.”

Turned out a friend of Miss-Laurie’s grew up in Downers Grove around the corner from our hero. Small World.

Then our hero and Super Girl took their leave of the festivities to race down to AT&TSBCPACBELL Park to meet up with Miss-Sinatra-IS-PREGNANT Girl, her husband and staff.

Alas, our heroes were waylaid by Longest-Wait-For-A-Muni-Train-Ever Man and arrived at the stadium well after the first pitch only to be confronted by Slowest-Will-Call-Line-Ever Man, or specifically the Person-Who-Can’t-Decide-Which-Tickets-To-Buy Monster.

But soon enough our heroes were safely ensconced in the last row of the center field bleachers, or as it was called that night, THE MIDDLE OF A @#! WINDTUNNEL. While this was not the all-you-can-eat section, our hero did manage to consume mass quantities of high quality fish and chips (and that statement is not sarcastic) and a frybread (an elephant ear to you Midwesterners).

Will the Cubs keep up their hot start?
Will our hero start going to the gym regularly now that has a membership?
And more importantly…
Who will be John McCain’s running mate?

Find out the answers to these important questions and more in the next episode of
Our Intrepid Hero

**********

Catch our hero in Un-Scripted's Theater: The Musical. Below is the play schedule:

Episode 23: Ballpark Gluttony

2008-04-25T13:18:00.000-07:00

When last we left our intrepid hero he was trying to decipher the Greek alphabet underwater with a chicken half stuck up his nose. Boy, wasn’t that a good time?

Our hero and his trusty girlfriend were recently called upon to test the Oakland A’s new ultra-secret All You Can Eat section at the Coliseum. After work the duo retired to Super-D-Girlfriend Woman’s lair in Berkeley for a quick change into their thermal protective suits and hopped onboard a BART train for the ride to the park.

They arrived about a half hour after the first pitch, due to D’s earlier altercation with Stuck-At-Work Man. As they rushed through the stadium looking for their seats they became perplexed when no entrance to their section presented itself. Not to be defeated, they consulted a nice member of the Coliseum staff who immediately gave them the secret directions to the All You Can Eat Section, which were literally:

Go through those doors there past the elevators and down the stairs. At the bottom of the stairs go around to your right (being careful not to leave the stadium through the tempting exists) where you will encounter a short older woman who will very slowly check your tickets again and then give you a special super-powered arm band then go around to your left and up another set of stairs until you get to the upper deck and the entrance to your section.

Doing as they were told our heros finally arrived in the concessions area of the top most deck of the Coliseum. Quickly looking to their left and right for the shortest food line, they found themselves face-to-face with Longest-Lines-You-Could-Possibly-Imagine-Even-A-Half-Hour-Into-Game Man.

Disheartened, but not defeated, they picked a line confident that their patience would eventually defeat the line monster. However, given the length of thewait, they resolved to get as much food as the limits allowed so as to avoid getting in line again.

Here’s what they got:
3 Nachos
2 Hot Chocolates
2 Ice Cream Sandwiches
1 Popcorn
1 Hot Dog

They originally ordered 4 nachos, but due to an apparent shortage of chips, left without waiting for the 4th.

Summoning their super-human eating abilities, they consumed most of the food leaving behind one nachos and the popcorn relatively untouched.

Oh, and a baseball game was played. The A’s beat the Royals to provide a find backdrop for the gluttony.

Can food shortages in Haiti be blamed on the A’s All You Can Eat section?
Will the Democrats ever actually pick a nominee?
And most importantly…
Will the Cubs good start continue?

Find out the answers to these important questions and more in the next episode of
Our Intrepid Hero

Episode 22: Burlesque

2008-04-16T23:07:00.000-07:00

When last we left our intrepid hero he was about to be killed my Dr. Devil’s laser-ray. Thank goodness he had his trusty Thomas Guide to Los Angeles with him.

Many moons ago an old friend of our hero’s started up a Union of Near Topless (Save for Pasties) Dancers for the Purpose of Public Performance and Dancing, otherwise known as a UNT(SP)DPPPD, or Burlesque Troupe, for short.

Now Rachael-Johnny-Friday Girl, the friend in question, had frequently come to our hero’s aid as an audience member for his many performances. Seeing his friend in similar need of her own, our hero strove to attend her performances.

Only to be thwarted time and again by the evil Out-of-Town-Every-Time-They-Had-a-Gig Monster or Have-a-Show-of-My-Own-That-Night Man and once by My-God-I’ve-Been-Busy-All-Week-I-Just-Need-a-Night-Off Boy.

Then word reached our hero through secret communication channels, otherwise known as Tribe.net, that the Union of Near Topless (Save for Pasties) Dancers for the Purpose of Public Performance and Dancing would be part of a special evening of music and burlesque on a night when our hero was not otherwise previously engaged doing battle with other villains!

On the appointed night, our hero trekked down to the secret location of the event at the Space Gallery on Polk Street in a building where years ago our hero used to practice improv with the Fibbs. Our hero arrived just as the first band began their set, and he settled into long enjoyable evening hanging out with his friend, when she wasn’t performing, and her boyfriend and friend of our hero’s Named-For-A-Religion Boy.

The evening was really a birthday celebration for someone our hero did not know, but he did know many of the attendees and most of the attendees knew each other. The crowd was an interesting mix of the hip and tragically not hip. Attendee highlights included Tahitian-Renaissance-Faire Chick, Angry-Sulking-Lesbian Boy, The Young-Elfin-Lesbians-In-Love Posse, Woman-Trying-Not-To-Kill-The-Girl-Who-Had-Been-Having-An-Affair-With-Her-Husband Woman and Girl-Who’d-Had-An-Affair-With-Her-Husband Girl. Fortunately the Husband in question was absent.

All-in-all a good time was had by all and our hero finally got to see his friend perform in all her glory.

Who's birthday was it?
When will our hero finally get to sleep tonight?
And most importantly...
When will he have time to fold his laundry?

Find out the answers to these questions and more in the next episode of...
Our Intrepid Hero

Episode 21: Not about the movie 21

2008-04-01T17:27:00.000-07:00

When last we left our intrepid hero, he was sipping a cup of warm decaffeinated green tea.

Today our hero woke up, had cinnamon puffins for breakfast along with some orange juice with Spirulina mixed into it. He left home at about 7:45. He arrived at work and punched in at 8:53, his delay being caused by slow trains on the SF Muni system. (In fact someone had driven their car 2 miles into the muni tunnel.)

His day at work was largely uneventful, save for the arrival of his new 22” HD monitor. He spent some time rearranging his desk.

Soon, he will go home.

Why such an exciting day? Because it’s APRIL FOOLS’ DAY!!!

Look for more actual exciting adventures of our hero soon!

Episode 20: The Internet

2008-03-25T13:55:00.001-07:00

When last we left our intrepid hero he was bemoaning the fact that he was out of town the weekend his friends filmed the teaser trailer for 3 Days Later: Jesus Christ Zombie Lord.

Recently, our hero has grown frustrated with his super-lair’s lack of internet access. When our hero first moved into his new secret hideout, he generously obtained his internet access from the Upstairs-Neighbors-Who-Didin’t-Password-Protect-Their-WiFi League. However, that all changed a year and a half ago when the League split up and moved out of the apartment.

Our hero muddled through by going to local internet cafes and occasionally standing at the bus stop on the street corner to use His-Friend’s-Downstairs-Neighbor-Who-Doesn’t-Password-Protect-His-WiFi Man’s wifi. Increasingly, however, our hero longed for the ability to get online without having to walk many blocks, purchase food, or face the elements and strange looks from passing bus drivers.

Various villains, however, impede our hero’s ability to obtain the Internet. Firstly, our hero must deal with the Bundled-Service Monster. As our hero has no need of a land-line phone or cable service (as his cable is provided by his landlord), cable modems or DSL are needlessly expensive. Secondly, even if our hero decided to go for the cable modem option, he would have to face His-Apartment-Isn’t-Technically-A-“Legal”-Unit-As-Defined-By-The-City-Of-San-Francisco-And-He-Would-Severly-Confuse-The-Cable-Company-In-Trying-To-Set-Up-Service Man.

Our hero opened up a line of communication with his landlord in order to solve the problem of obtaining internet access, and he suggested sharing the connection of the people who live upstairs.

Overcoming Unexpected-Shyness Man, our hero called them up and… Bingo! They gave our hero their security key for their wifi and he agreed to pay a share of the cost. Not only that, but after waking up the scarab beetles and firing up his ancient papyrus laptop, he was actually able to connect!

Our hero spent a blissful Saturday afternoon riding the Internet waves and rushed home from work on Monday with his head full of sugar plum dreams of the evening’s surfing. But then, our hero was attacked by Where-Did-Their-Network-Go Man. Eventually, he was able to perform a ritual to sun god Rah that pleased him enough to reveal the network to his laptop, but not to provide a strong enough signal to connect.

Will our hero be able to connect tonight?
Will he have to figure out how to otherwise get the Internet installed?
And most importantly…
How long before AT&T or Verizon can get a national broadband system set up in the old TV spectrum?

Find out the answers to these important questions and more in the next episode of…
Our Intrepid Hero.

Episode 19: When Allergies Attack

2008-03-18T15:11:00.000-07:00

When last we left our intrepid hero, he had retooled his website www.experimentfarm.com and started blogging there daily. Wasn’t that exciting?

Our hero’s ongoing battle with the Seasonal-Allergy Monster escalated last week when the dastardly villain hit our hero squarely in the nose with his Transfigurometer transforming it into a Gushing Snot Faucet.

Quickly, our hero went to the local superhero supply store to procure an antidote, but the 24-hour Cetirizine Hydrochloride tablet only served to transform his nose into a Running Snot Faucet while at the same time afflicting him with an attack of the Drowsiness Fiend.

Battered, but not defeated, our hero visited another superhero supply store and procured some Diphenhydramine Hydrochloride tablets. Knowing, however, that these tablets pack the punch of the You-Must-Sleep-Now! Villain, our hero decided to accompany them with the counter-acting power of Pseudoephedrine tablets, which, as we all know, you can use to make meth.

Boom! That did it. For brief 4 hour stints our hero’s nose returned to normal, and with the uppers and the downers duking it out to a stalemate, our hero’s brain functions were relatively normal.

“Relatively” being the key word, for unbeknownst to our hero, Diphenhydramine Hydrochloride also comes with the hidden villain Side-Effect-Of-Depression Man, which hit our hero in full force Sunday night as he attempted to tackle Filling-His-Taxes Boy. The near tragic combination left our hero with incomplete tax forms and an antihistamine hang over Monday morning.

The worst seems to have past however. Not only has the Seasonal-Allergy Monster taken a hit form Lower-Pollen-Count Man, but our hero has discovered the wonder from the far east that is the Neti Pot! (don’t knock it ‘till you’ve tried it)

What exactly is a Neti Pot?
Who knows the common terms for the above drugs?
And most importantly…
Who’s your pick in March Madness?

Find out the answers to these important questions and more in the next episode of
Our Intrepid Hero!

Episode 18: The Letters

2008-03-11T16:40:00.001-07:00

When last we left our intrepid hero he was fighting a losing allergic battle against Oak Pollen Season. That’s right: Oak Pollen. Who knew?

Friday morning, our hero was struggling against Leaving-For-Work-Late Man largely due to interference from I-Don’t-Know-What-I’m-Doing-This-Evening Boy. As he stumbled out towards the front gate of his building, he glanced down at the remnants of the previous days mail, as yet undelivered to his doorstep, only to freeze in his tracks.

Slowly he picked up the two envelopes, one from the University of Michigan and the other from Iowa. He knew immediately the contents of the letters, not only because of his x-ray eyes, but because of the diminutive size of the letters themselves.

Just to confirm, he opened them. Blast! Rejected by both super-hero creative writing programs, leaving his fate in the hands of Texas, and can we really trust a state that elected W governor?

Suddenly our hero’s evening plans coalesced and were to involve large quantities of alcohol. To that end, he want to see Jukebox Stories again and then went to Becket’s in Berkeley with the Fabulous-Miss-D Super Girlfriend, her friend Miss-J-Me-Former-Boss-Of-D Woman and Miss-J-Me’s new girlfriend Miss-H-Brewmistress Girl. Our hero enjoyed discussing beer with Miss-H as well as shooting Tequila with his laser gun.

What did you think he was going to do with Tequila?
When will our hero hear from Texas?
And most importantly…
Oak pollen? Oak pollen?! I mean, come on.

Find out the answers to these questions and more in the next episode of
Our Intrepid Hero!

Episode 17: Jukebox Stories

2008-03-03T17:23:00.000-08:00

When last we left our intrepid hero, he was dodging giant squids in a Daly City swimming pool. Fortunately he had his trusty lemon zester with him.

This weekend our hero came to the aide of live theatre in need of an audience member. He attended two performances of Impact Theatre’s Jukebox Stories. Why? I hear you ask. Well, for one thing our hero’s girlfriend is the stage manager, and for another thing, the show is highly entertaining and different every night.

Is it improvised? I hear you ask again. No, not exactly. Prince Gomolvilas tells stories and Brandon Patton sings songs, all of which are scripted, but the set list changes each performance. Certain pieces they do every night, others are requested or chosen at random by the audience. They also play games with the audience. Our hero won a copy of the book All The President’s Men because he recognized a song from Top Gun. Seriously. It’s true.

Highlights of the two shows included:
The songs Patty’s Not Gay, The Only Trip of It’s Kind, and “The Beer Song”.
The dramatic reading of Prince’s sister’s MySpace profile.
And
Prince’s High School Musical Blogging adventures:
http://bamboonation.blogspot.com/2007/08/how-gay-is-high-school-musical.html
http://www.queersighted.com/2007/08/20/high-school-musical-2-chock-full-of-gay/

After seeing the show on Saturday night, our hero and the fabulous Miss-D were to go see The Rocky Horror Picture Show as part of a birthday celebration for one of Miss-D’s friends. However, our hero and Miss-D were attacked by OMG-I’m-Tired-And-Don’t-Want-To-Be-Up-Until-3AM Man, but they fought on valiantly long enough to show up and wait in line outside the theater. However, there they were blindsided by OMG-I-Have-So-Much-To-Do-Tomorrow Girl and OMG-Everyone-Else-In-Line-Is-Giving-Me-Nightmareish-Flashbacks-To-The-Nerdiest-Of-Ren-Faire-Nerds-Or-High-School-Geeks Boy. Unable to withstand this three pronged attack, they went home and stopped the sheets from fighting with the mattress by getting in between them.

When will our hero post pictures from Italy?
Who will be John McCain’s VP candidate?
And most importantly…
Have you seen my shoes anywhere?

Episode 16: European Vacation

2008-02-26T10:45:00.000-08:00

When last we left our intrepid hero he had invented a new kind of shoe lace that would have revolutionized shoe tying and stopped global warming. Unfortunately the powerful shoe lace industry kept his new technology from ever reaching the market.

Our hero went on a grand adventure over the last two weeks. He had intended to chronicle it more in detail as it happened, but alas was thwarted by I’m-On-Vacation-And-Can’t-Be-Bothered Man.

That’s right, our hero was called away to join forces with other members of his superhero family to pump much needed hard American currency into the Italian economy. Our hero’s sister and her merry band of heroes, The C-Man, Her Roy-O Highness, and Mr. McGargitecutre Loffessor’s Architecture Professor were already stationed in Rome for a semester under the guise of the Professor teaching Iowa State students on a semester abroad. But their currency alone was not enough to stabilize the Italian economy, so our hero and his mother quickly flew to Rome to lend a hand.

A great deal of walking and sightseeing ensued along with a healthy amount of souvenir shopping. Our hero rekindled his love affair with blood orange juice and broadened it to include consuming the oranges themselves. The C-Man, a fine aficionado of bread and tomato product, rated each pizzeria with a traditional roman thumbs-up or thumbs-down, and Her Roy-O Highness would live on gelato if given the chance.

At various piazza’s throughout Italy, The C-Man and Her Roy-O Highness did battle with the evil Pigeon Hordes infesting the region. The C-Man runs at the birds attempting to use his kung-fu kick on them, while O prefers a more stealthy approach with the intent of capturing them. Fortunately she never succeeds.

Realizing that other cities in Italy also needed an influx of currency, our hero and his mother rushed off to Venice for a quick one day visit to that fabulous city. They dined on in the sunshine on along the Grand Canal, got lost in the maze of streets, and shopped!

Then they rushed off to Florence to meet up with our hero’s sister and her children. There they were ambushed by Unseasonable-Cold-Weather Man who dropped temperatures down to around 3 degrees Centigrade (that’s about 38 degrees Fahrenheit for the heathens among you.) But they would not be deterred from their mission!

Alas after a long 10 day incursion, our hero and his team decided it was time to reduce their presence in Italy and finally send some of the heroes home. Thusly 30% of the heroes were involved in a staggered withdrawal leaving behind our hero’s sister and her merry band of heroes to maintain a base in Italy. However a timetable was set for their withdrawal with all heroes stationed in Italy to return home by this summer.

When will our hero recover from the jet lag?
When will he post pictures from the trip?
and most importantly...
Who will be the big winner on Super Tuesday 2?

Find out the answers to these important questions and more in the next episode of...
Our Intrepid Hero

Episode 15: Super Weekend

2008-02-05T12:55:00.000-08:00

When last we left out intrepid hero he was dangling from a tall building with nothing but a razor blade and the November issue of Atlantic Monthly. Phew, thank goodness he was so well equipped.

As the Super Weekend approached, leading up to this Super Tuesday, our hero had a super task placed in front of him: He had to rid his secret hide-out of an infestation of the Incredible-Messy-Monster. That’s right, if they’re not careful, even super heroes can be infested by the nasty critter.

Our hero began tackling it Saturday morning by attacking the monster’s strongholds in the area of paper stacks and old mail. After a measure of success he stepped out to refuel with some lunch.

What’s this? A call over the Hero Phone. Super-Miss-S-Woman calling. Baby-S is awake from a nap and in a good mood. Quickly our hero swooped over to their super lair for some play time with the baby and some stimulating adult conversation with Miss-S.

What’s this? Super-Miss-DS-Woman is having a pre-Super Tuesday Party and viewing of the Democratic Debate (on DVR). Our hero swoops through the rain to her fabulous new super lair to make side bets on the debate and rescue alcoholic beverages from evaporation.

Meanwhile back at home, the Messy Monster still awaits. But our hero returns from said party and attacks it some more before turning in for the night.

The next day he goes shopping! (Very different from what he did last year on Super Bowl Sunday.) For most of the day. Without buying much of anything. He does, however, manage to rescue a new digital camera from the clutches of poor staffing Best Buy and have a lovely lunch at Ikea.

But what’s waiting for him when he returns home? That’s right. The Messy Monster. He attacks it with his super weapon: The Vacuum Cleaner. The Mop. And the most dastardly of them all, The Old Sock Used as Dust Rag.

Finally he managed to subdue the beast, at least for now. An infestation of the Incredible-Messy-Monster is almost impossible to eradicate completely, but at least he’s slowed its growth considerably.

Then our hero sat down and watched the Super Bowl on tape. What a game!

Where will the Messy Monster strike again?
Is the Patriot’s Dynasty over?
And most importantly…
Who will be the big Super Tuesday winner?

Find out the answers to these questions and more in the next episode of…
Our Intrepid Hero

Episode 14: Iron Chef

2008-01-25T14:53:00.000-08:00

When last we left our intrepid hero, he was trying to get you to review his novel on Amazon. Have you don’t that yet?

Last weekend he and his fellow super-hero improvisors at the Un-Scripted Theater Company and Justice League went away to a rented fortress of solitude on Stinson Beach for their annual Martin Luther Kind Jr. Day Weekend Improv retreat.

Our hero was doing battle with Winter-Flu-Blug, but fortunately for all he was on the verge of defeating it when the weekend began. The first night, the few members who managed to get to the house at a reasonable hour, were treated to a lovely meal prepared by C-Utz Man and viewing of the Flight of the Choncords on DVD. Our hero laughed.

The weekend was filled with long walks on the beach, occasional bouts of improv (including the discovery of “the status improv game that will change your life”), hot tubbing, game playing (including our hero beating Miss-M-Sleeps-On-the-Couch Woman without any cards in play), and lot’s and lot’s of cooking and food.

This year teams were assigned to cook dinner and each meal was scored ala Iron Chef. The cook with the best score at the end of the weekend would earn the title Iron Chef Un-Scripted. Fortunately we’d rented a fortress of solitude with a completely stocked kitchen and shelves and shelves of cook books.

Our hero was on 2 dinner teams and 1 breakfast. His first dinner, he came up with the theme “everything flambéed” and everything was. Flambéed cheese with the salad. Flambéed pizza for the main course. Flambéed bananas/mango foster for dessert. And a flaming brandy punch taken from a recipe in “Convivial Dickens: the drinks and times of Charles Dickens.”

Having shot is wad on the flambé meal, our hero was content to let others direct dinner the following night. The meal had Thai themes with… well… lots of stuff.

Finally for his breakfast, armed with powdered Spirulina, our hero directed a repast of green eggs and ham, along with a super apple baked thing by Mr. D-D-Game-Master Man.

When the votes were tallied, our hero came out on top as Iron Chef Un-Scripted! We’ll see if anyone can defeat him next year.

Has anyone ever flambéed pizza before?
Why was Heath Ledger at Mary-Kate Olsen’s apartment?
And most importantly…
Where have all the flowers gone?

Episode 13: Help My Novel!

2008-01-16T11:06:00.000-08:00

Our Hero entered his novel The Deadworks into the Amazon Breakthrough Novel contest, and he's made it into the semi-finals! To help him move into the next round, he needs people to go to his novel’s page on Amazon, download the first 16 pages, and review it. Reviewers are also entered into a contest to win a bunch of stuff. Please pass this on! And please review more than just my entry. The more entries you review the more weight your review will carry.

For information on the contest:
www.amazon.com/abna

My Novel’s Page:
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00121WDD8

Here’s Amazon’s info on what they’re looking for in reviews:

What Makes A Good Review?

In the semifinalist round, we're breaking new ground in our customer reviewing community: this is the first opportunity for customers to play an active role in the publishing process. The criteria for judging an unpublished book are a little bit different from the norm. Keep these pointers in mind as you're reading and remember: your voice counts.

Be persuasive. Experts at Penguin will be relying on customer reviews as they prepare to select the finalists, so don't hesitate to tell us what you really think. The reviews that provide the most thorough, thoughtful feedback are the ones that will help Penguin choose the Top Ten.

Quantity and quality help. The more reviews you write, and the more helpful each review is, the more likely you are to win one of our three prize packages.

Discuss. As with customer reviews for all our products, you can comment on others' excerpt reviews and rate them. Any discussion and activity we see around specific titles will only keep us coming back for more, so feel free to speak up and banter with your peers.

One quick heads-up: Per the contest rules, every excerpt is a maximum of 5,000 words in length. As a result, you may find that excerpts vary in length or end unexpectedly. Consider yourself warned--and happy reading!

Thanks!

Episode 12: Hectic Holidays

2008-01-04T16:10:00.000-08:00

Transmissions from our hero the last few weeks have been attacked by some sort of cosmic interference. Here is what we’ve been able decipher:

December 21, 2007:
… with the help of the Fabulous-Miss-D-Girlfriend woman and her family of crime fighters, including her twin sister Miss-A-Teach-English-In-Japan Woman and Mister-T-Japanese-Boyfriend Man, on a special mission from, well, Japan, our hero was able to defeat a Full-Holiday-Dinner-With-All-The-Trimmings Monster… got presents! Including Socks!... Miss-D liked her Professional Bull Riding shirt…

December 22, 2007:
… visiting Dickens Faire… defeat villain… forced to consume mass quantities of Orange Gin and Tonics… no you’re the man… escape alive…

December 23, 2007:
… fly to Chicago… his mother called to ask if, when he called from the tarmac to say he had landed and was taxing, if he was taxing to Midway from O’Hare. No, our hero replied, but his bags might be… an hour later his bags appeared… valiantly fighting the Snow-And-Wind Monster as they drove across Illinois towards Iowa… Finally at 11 o’clock Central, even though our hero being on Pacific time could have kept going, his mother couldn’t take it anymore and they pulled off the interstate. Fortunately the road was a solid sheet of ice allowing them to just slide right into the motel parking lot…

December 24, 2007:
… based on the countless cars and trucks littering the ditches along the roads like pine needles under a Christmas tree, our hero was glad they stopped when… Arrived in Ames at the secret hideout of his sister in time for lunch! … Playing with niece and nephew… telling stories to Miss-O-Niece-I’m-Obsessed-With-Horses Girl and The-C-ManNephew-Loves-Pirates boy… playing monopoly until the C-Man broke down under the pressure of having depleted so much of his cash in real estate purchases that he couldn’t stay liquid… “crybaby” says Miss-O… tears… yelling… stopped playing Monopoly… Kids went to bed vibrating with anticipation… stayed up too late watching the best holiday movie ever, Holiday Inn, with his sister. They did not recite the lines along with the movie.

December 25, 2007
How early is it? … Leave the hotel where they were staying in order to get back to his sister’s before 7am… kids opening presents from Santa Christmas morning is so cool… napping… got presents! Including socks! … A walk with his Mr.-T-Brother-In-Law Man around town taking in the forest of presidential candidate lawn signs… Biden’s running?... Lot’s of turkey and his Grandmother’s stuffing recipe… stayed up too late watching the original Pirates of the Caribbean with his sister.

December 26, 2007
… up early to have donuts at his sisters… stopped for lunch at the World’s Largest Truckstop of Interstate 80 in Iowa… arrive in Oak Park at his other sisters… playing with the nephews… dinner… presents… chaos… insanity… cutest thing ever… stayed up too late watching Alien vs. Predator with his sister and brother-in-law.

December 27, 2007
… after sleeping the night in 3-year-old nephew Jogantor’s bed… on the road again… driving to Michigan through Chicago… parent’s new hideout, all moved in!... HDTV… homemade pizza’s… collapsed asleep early, succumbing to Crazy-Three-States-in-three-days-holiday-extravaganza Villain…

December 28, 2007
…waking after nearly 12 hours asleep… had forgotten how harrowing driving in the snow could be… dinner with Mom’s side of the family… more kids!... good to see everyone… packing… stayed up too late watch Raiders of the Lost Ark on the new HDTV.

December 29, 2007
Drive BACK to Illinois, EEP!... play with nephews… fly to Oakland… Waiting-for-Bags-Monster…

December 30, 2007
… finally home to San Francisco…

December 31, 2007
… drive to Sacramento for Miss-Sinatra’s Wedding… Unfortunately Sacramento has been rendered unplottable by the Wizengamut making any sort of internet mapping useless… Exit at X Street? There is no exit at X Street… Only by blind dumb luck did our hero and Miss D happen to stumble across the hotel… Sleep number bed! … Best restaurant ever: Tex Wasabi’s. It’s Japanese and Southern BBQ fusion. Seriously. AMAZING… beautiful wedding… Sinatra walked down the aisle at midnight…

January 1, 2008
… ceremony a good balance of funny and formal... Soooo much fun… sleep, glorious sleep… caught part of the outdoor hockey game. 70,000+ watching hockey!... raced back to San Francisco before kick-off of the Rose Bowl… sunk into a deep despair as Illinois got slaughtered by USC… Oh, no! Not Hawaii too!

And this one stray communication that we can’t quite fit into context:
Happy New Year!

Episode 11: The Old Ways

2007-12-14T14:48:00.000-08:00

When last we left our intrepid hero he was sipping a martini in a Monte Carlo Casino with a…. oh, wait, that was James Bond.

Dateline: Last Night
Our hero arrives home late after a successful inoculation at his Allergist’s Super Lair against various dastardly airborne particles intent upon uploading the last documents to his University of Michigan MFA Application and submitting it. Strapping his ancient laptop to his desk, he headed out the door to trek to the internet cafe.

He was immediately attacked by the Unseasonably-Cold Monster. Wishing he had a neck warming device, our hero trudged on. Lest you think our hero has grown thin skinned living in NorCal, the weather in San Francisco has been dropping into the 30’s and 40’s at night. Yes, yes, above freezing, but barely. Had it been below freezing our hero would have been wearing his winter cold armor. See how long you last outside in those temperatures without a winter coat, hat, and scarf.

Our hero also found himself lamenting the fact that he was still wearing his office regulation super-hero shoes, instead of his more cushioned and comfortable regular regulation super-hero shoes. But alas he trudged on, wishing there were a suitable internet café within closer walking distance.

After what he would later describe to his descendants as “walking uphill in the snow barefoot” our hero arrived at the café only to find it had fallen victim to the Inexplicably-Closed Villain. A simple note on the door indicated they would re-open the next day at noon. Curses!

Our hero trekked back towards his hideout. He knew he could go to the local Pizza Joint and get online there, but he was not very hungry and did not want pizza. Instead he remembered that a new Healthy Food Joint had been advertising free wireless. He hadn’t tried it yet, because he needed to plug his computer in or the scarab beetles running the battery would give out before he’d accomplished anything.

They had power outlets! They had hot soup! Our hero sat down to begin his quest to finish his mission. But nothing can be easy. He was attacked again by the Wifi-Is-Too-New-And-Isn’t-Compatible-With-Older-Technology Man. He encouraged the little scarab beetles inscribing the little papyrus scrolls inside his laptop to pray to Rah and carry their message through the air to the magical Wifi God in a language understandable to all, but to no avail. He finished his soup and shut down his computer.

He’d have to accomplish his mission without Wifi. Using the ancient technology of CD-R, our hero copied the necessary files, brought them to work today, and finished his application on lunch. Sometimes the old ways are the best.

Episode 10: GRE

2007-12-07T15:49:00.001-08:00

When last we left our intrepid hero, he was so busy that he didn’t really have time to chronicle his adventures.

He finds himself engulfed by the Herculean task of fighting the Grad-School-Application Monster. On Monday, he attacked the GRE League with disappointing results. The battle started out promising with our hero besting Analytical-Writing-Section Man whom he’d had serious problems with during his practice battles. Then he finished off his first Verbal-Section opponent with equal skill.

However Quantitative-Section Man immediately hit him with his powerful I-have-no-idea-how-to-even-begin-solving-this-problem-or-eliminating-possible-answers move. Weakened, our hero limped on. He prayed that his next opponent would be another Quantitative, giving him a chance at redemption. (For those of you unfamiliar with the GRE computer test, you are given either 2 Quantitative and 1 Verbal or 1 Quantitative and 2 Verbal. One of the sections you do twice doesn’t count. It’s an experimental section wherein the GRE tries out new questions.) Alas, no. He was attacked by another Verbal, a much harder verbal. Could the first Verbal have been the one that counted? Our hero thought not, given that it contained an experimental question type unlike any of the other questions. Curses.

In the end, our hero’s scores where acceptable, but far lower than he had hoped (and lower than his high scores on the practice tests). He won’t find out the score of the Analytical Writing Section for a few weeks.

Now our hero must begin his fight with his half-finished applications in earnest. But our hero would find luck shining up on him this week, indeed! A secret mission that was scheduled to have him out of town and unable to work on the applications for the entire weekend was cancelled at the last minute when one of his fellow super-heroes succumbed to Unexpected-Flu Bug. While our hero laments the loss of the mission, he is thrilled to have the extra time. Because boy howdy does he need it!

With any luck, our hero will complete his epic battle with the application by the end of the weekend. Fingers crossed.

Will our hero finish his applications in time?
Will Unexpected-Flu Bug ever be stopped?
And most importantly…
Can Illinois beat USC in the Rose Bowl?

Go Illini!

Episode 9: Thanksgiving Weekend

2007-11-27T13:26:00.001-08:00

When last we left our intrepid hero, he was about to embark upon a Thanksgiving adventure to the fabulous Miss-D-Super-Girlfriend Woman’s parent’s secret hide-out in Berkeley. He was charged with the task of cooking the Turkey, largely because Miss-D’s parents don’t really eat meat. But Miss-D and her Grandparent’s do, and so does our hero!

Our hero cooked the turkey the only way he knew how, on the grill. Along the way he did battle with The-Grill’s-Too-Small Monster and The-Turkey-Stopped-Cooking-10-Degrees-From-Being-Done-Because-The-Coals-Didn’t-Quite-Last-Long-Enough Man. But, the bird came off just fine, an hour and a half later than our hero had planned. Our hero also managed to survive prolonged exposure to the Girlfriend's family with nary a radiation burn. In fact, he quite enjoyed their company.

The rest of the holiday weekend our hero spent holed up in his super-lair studying for the GRE. He did find time to emerge long enough to light opening night of Let It Snow! He also dusted off his improv super powers to perform in the show on Saturday night.

If you’d like to see our hero defy death by singing, dancing, and acting in a full-length improvised musical (that’s right, no script), go see Let It Snow Saturday night December 1 or Saturday afternoon December 15.

Will our hero manage to play the protagonist in at least one show?
Will he set another memorable chorus like he did for Kellyville?
and most importantly...
Who will play in the BCS Championship game?

Episode 8: The Job Offer

2007-11-21T14:43:00.000-08:00

When last we left our intrepid hero, his co-worker at Large Pharmaceutical Distribution Company had just fallen victim to Transfering-Into-A-Bettter-Position-In-A-Different-Department woman. Oh No! Now his co-workers had to pull together to fight the Staffing-Vacuum Monster.

What does this mean?

Well, it means our hero’s temp assignment has been extended indefinitely and should he choose to apply for the now vacated position, he should theoretically have a leg up as he’ll already be doing the job. Yay!

But then, on Monday, an old long forgotten enemy resurface: Hippie-College-Office-Manager-Position Man. You see, our hero applied for said position last month. He interviewed. Yay! They reposted the position on Craigslist. Boo! He interviewed again. Yay! He heard nothing from them for a month. Boo!

Then they toyed with him. They emailed him asking him if he was still interested in the position. He said “sure”. Why not? He asked when they were going to decide.

They responded “Soon. Currently we’d like to hire you.” Yay? Our hero was not entirely sure what that meant. “Currently?” Could they change their mind at any moment? They are hippies, our hero supposed.

He called them at the prearranged time. They did not answer. They called him back… eventually and offered him the position! I guess he spoke to them at the right time, before they changed their mind.

Our hero considered it, but after a day of doing battle with his imagination and Thinking-Through-All-The-Possible-Ramifications Man, he came to the conclusion that he could not go back to being an office manager again.

He turned the job down.

Yay!

Will our hero get a permanent gig where he’s at?
Will he get into grad school?
And most importantly…
Will his Turkey turn out OK tomorrow?