what i actually hear

Wish Mail

2009-07-10T13:11:00.000-07:00

I want to find a wishing well and make a suit of armor from the coins.

Not only am I very interested in finding out what the armor class is, but even if it can't stop bullets I bet it would be useful in a fight. Not just because I could pay off really cheap thugs, but because I could point at a quarter in my suit and say,

"Do you know what this is?"

"This is your wife."

"She wishes you were dead."

You Need A Shot Of Vitamin T

2009-06-24T10:17:00.001-07:00

Network Admins Are Too Skinny Nowadays

2009-06-24T09:14:00.000-07:00

I love survival shows like Man vs. Wild and Survivorman. I know some people complain that Man vs. Wild is staged, but it's also honestly educational and entertaining. Survivorman may not be staged, but that's the reason why it always looks like Les Stroud is about to die. Horribly. I can't help but imagine that every time he goes into his back yard, a killer vampire moose is going to jump out and start raping him with its antlers.

So, anyways, I had the privilege of spending six hours freezing to death in a colocation facility on Monday, just recovering from multiple hard drive failure, which basically meant that I spent the entire time going totally bugnuts and thinking about the six hours of survival shows I'd watched the day before. It eventually got to the point where I was wandering around the rows of servers, looking for a fat network administrator to kill so I could weather the lengthy support calls to various manufacturers within his meaty corpse.

Of course, everyone who wandered by was slender. Those bastards. I don't think they even had the common decency to bulk up with a quarter pounder before coming to fix their machines. By the end of the visit I couldn't feel my fingers, the hard drives were still dead, and there were a bunch of annoyingly alive network administrators doing their work.

I guess you can't win 'em all.

Bullet Brothers

2009-06-09T18:59:00.001-07:00

So I once shot this guy. I did it so that he would shoot me back, and then we could be bullet brothers and wear the bullets we shot each other with on necklaces. I'm not sure which bullet was supposed to go on each necklace, but we had it planned out and it was totally awesome because he had a soldering iron and those little ball things that you use to rotate your blinds.

Anyways, it didn't work out. Horrible tragedy.

Point is, I still don't have a kickass necklace, and I also don't even have the little ball things anymore, because I was right after his sister at the funeral. She was all BAWW BAWW and making that weird scrunched-up face thing, where her mouth was really big and her eyes were all squinty, and she made that weird crying "omg hairball... omg hairball" jerking motion. Then she put some car keys or something on his grave.

So I went up, and I thought the grave-leaving thing was like panhandling for the dead, so I told the story of bullet brothers and then left the ball chainy things on the grave, and whatever I tried to go over to his house that night for dinner like I always did and his whole family just sat around not saying anything. I went upstairs and watched porn on his computer but then his mom told me to leave and since then every time I call their house they tell me that nobody's home.

It's A Good Job

2009-06-09T13:40:00.001-07:00

Birth Of A Superhero

2009-06-08T16:32:00.001-07:00

4:29pmminipulator

sure. everyone's in favor of saving tele's brain. but when you put it in the body of a great white shark, suddenly you've gone too far.

4:29pmd

WHEN SHARKS ATTACK... CODE

4:29pmKrem

you said it farnsworth

4:30pmteleolurian

if put in a shark i would rape everything

4:30pmteleolurian

sharks can't catch diseases

4:30pmminipulator

sharkdick. how could you not.

4:30pmminipulator

also, best name for a superhero ever

4:30pmteleolurian

lol

4:30pmteleolurian

MY SUPERPOWER IS AN ABRASIVE DICK ASSHOLES

4:31pmteleolurian

WHAT'S THAT? THE PRESIDENT'S BEING HELD FOR RANSOM?

4:31pmteleolurian

LET ME JUST RUB MY SANDPAPER CARTILAGE PENIS AGAINST THE DOOR UNTIL I WEAR A HOLE IN IT

4:31pmteleolurian

...

4:31pmteleolurian

ASSHOLES.

$200 For Anal.

2009-06-08T15:37:00.000-07:00

Seriously. Can you guess what "2" clues I spotted? Do you need "ass"istance?

PS - It's a trap.

The Secret Things We Do

2009-06-05T16:03:00.000-07:00

Here's somebody else here in Las Vegas, who has a blog like I do. Also like I do, she doesn't post her real name, even though total pricks with computer machines could find it out, because sometimes people like to have employment, and not to be harassed by drug enforcement officials (I have done enough drugs at once that technically crossing a border and giving blood would make me a mule).

Actually, my employers, side employers, and girlfriend do read my blog, even though I say horrible things about my girlfriend and her sister like how they are both really bad at karaoke, and that one night they had a SuperStar! girls party together where they got this shitass PS2 game where you sing into a microphone, and the neighbors thought I was raping a flock of geese, and long story short I'm not allowed to have pets or video games within 1000 feet of any of my neighbors. Except Suzanne, because she's a little hard of hearing, which is why I can break into her garage and steal her childhood tricycle all the time. Forever.

So anyways, go read that blog, because it is pretty hot. Also, it's about a waitress, and everybody fantasizes about waitresses. I have this recurring fantasy where I'm Superman, and then I tell the waitress that my weakness is hot dogs, and then we go out and she tries to kill me with a poison hot dog, and then I laugh because my real weakness is bullets.

Samuel Adams Hates Me

2009-06-05T11:50:00.001-07:00

So I was out of beer the other night.

This happens pretty frequently, because I drink to escape reality (TV). Since it's the only thing on television, I drink until it becomes entertaining. And let me tell you, nothing is better than waking up in a pool of your own dried blood while Gordon Ramsay is on the television screaming insults. Nothing. It's like being five years old again, except Gordon has less of a beard than my mother does.

So anyways, I went to 7-11 a couple nights ago (the Last Great Haven of the Twitchy Tweeker), and decided to pick up some Samuel Adams Summer Ale. I picked it up because the label said "made with lemon zest and grains of paradise", and those things sounded like something fantastic for my mouth.

They are not. At all. I don't know what kind of paradise Samuel Adams got his grains from, but the beer tastes marginally better than alcoholic lemonade filtered through activated shit. The lemon rind is definitely there- a beer snob having a charitable moment might compare the fruity tang to pulling a lemon scented air-freshener tree out of a corpse's vagina with his teeth. I'm deadly serious. I accidentally opened a bottle yesterday instead of my normal newcastle, and the sinking feeling of knowing I would have to drink it was akin to the way I felt when I was eight and they'd just opened the chest containing the Thirteen Ghosts of Scooby-Doo on television.

So, anyways, I'm saving it for Fancy. He'll probably like it.

IncrediCube

2009-05-27T10:12:00.000-07:00

10:09:15 AM tele: i'm only capable of assuming that the third movie jumped the shark hilariously

10:09:27 AM tele: "what are these objects we find in all the rooms?"

10:09:31 AM tele: "those are HELL CUBES."

10:10:10 AM tele: "when we collect them, eventually a fortune teller named Pinhead comes out and grants our wish to be big."

10:10:26 AM tele: "then we simply manipulate the cubes until each side is all one color."

10:10:27 AM wr3kt: woooooo

10:10:31 AM tele: "then we can escape."

10:10:40 AM tele: tell me if i'm getting close.

10:10:40 AM wr3kt: BUT YOU CAN NEVER ESCAPE

An Unwarranted Change Of Life

2009-05-11T20:40:00.001-07:00

Weird Before 4chan

Not trusting a recipe I saw on the internet.
Sharing porn.
Memes with a lifespan of under one day.
People who distrust tinyurl links.
Weirdos who thought they could find kiddie porn through Google.

Weird After 4chan

Videogame discussions that aren't eventually about pokemon.
Being able to view any picture at all without going, 'ewww'.
Women who don't get topless on command.
Expecting everybody to be a hopeless virgin, even with proof positive against it.
Saying v&, pedobear, "x something is x", or something similar... and then having to explain myself.

Charity For The Boneless

2009-05-05T14:20:00.000-07:00

So, Fancy and I went to this homeless charity thing that pretty much signified the end of the world. In retrospect, I'm pretty sure that all the people who were performing at the homeless charity were, in fact, homeless. I'm also sure that their current lack of a living situation stems from the fact that their performance art could kill at twenty paces. QED.

Pretty much what happened is that we went to the Beauty Bar in search of this show. Now, the Beauty Bar is a cross between a bar and a salon and is known for being the easiest place in town for twelve-year-old girls to get drunk by flashing a fake ID. Or a school ID, or a playing card. You may take it as a matter of fact that I once made the acquaintance of a young woman who claimed to have gained entry to the Beauty Bar by flashing a copy of Anna Karenina in hardback. To be absolutely fair, the copy of the novel she showed me did have a picture of a girl on the cover alongside the name.

Anyways, we go into this bar, arm ourselves with beer, and are directed to the courtyard out back, where we are directed to not go outside, lest we become overly moved by the acting and decide to fling our bottles at the stage. Upon transferring our beverages from glass bottles to plastic cups, we were allowed outside.

The stage was set up by what looked like half a trailer (which, for all I know, could be a permanent part of the Beauty Bar landscape). This in the middle of warehouses, alleys, and whatever crazy murder-houses there are in that neighborhood. Beverly Hills the area certainly isn't.

So, while I stood there in the back trying not to be noticed, drinking my beer next to a huge basket of cheap condoms, a woman in the back row of chairs turned around and offered us her seat. After we politely declined, she got up, went up to the stage, and had some kind of interpretative post-feminist seizure for the better part of fifteen minutes. This was incredibly entertaining.

After refilling our beers, we returned to the event, where three guys were apparently taking turns telling the story of one Russian grandmother (or maybe three) who had gotten raped, learned karate, discovered the New World, and probably would go on to posit the Grand Unfiied Theory. I wager that nobody actually knows how the story ended, because I stopped listening sometime after the grandmother opened the cleanest little brothel in the west and started playing with Fancy's iPhone instead. About halfway through the entire presentation, I found it much more entertaining to go back inside the bar, sit on the lone couch, and try to figure out which girls were junior high and which ones were still in elementary.

One really cool thing about the whole evening, though, is that when the whole thing was over and we were trying to leave, the bartender looked at me to find out if we wanted more booze (we were on to rum and cokes by then). I did the finger-across-the-throat thing, the universal sign language for "kill my enemies and make them into fish food", and she mimed it, understood, and brought me the bill. That in itself was pretty fucking awesome, and well worth the price of admission. Which Fancy paid in the first place, so basically it was worth the price of the drinks. Minus the drinks. Which I drank.

The Genius Within You

2009-05-05T13:50:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, you daydream. You in particular sometimes awaken from a dream in which you, personally, have invented something incredibly awesome. Everybody is standing around you, or maybe sitting at a long boardroom table. For some particularly creative dreamers who just happen to be wearing a nicotine patch and have overdosed on ambien, the dream may be of having created a written language that requires a simple polynomial/cryptographic function in order to translate to and from any other known or possible spoken or written language in the whole universe. And the room full of people is all bikini models who are smoking cigars.

Regardless of this, you probably realize that it doesn't take much to be recognized as gifted in a particular field- any field that requires sufficient specialization looks like utter magic when seen from a distance. Like auto repair, am I right? I didn't even know the front of my car could open. Until one day, when it stopped driving and this homeless lady stopped yelling at her imaginary cats long enough to do something something blah blah serpentine belt and poof, I was on my way to the brothel again.

A lot of people learn how to be car geniuses or music geniuses or naked porn geniuses in schools, be they community college, universities, vocational schools, or pretty much anything ever except grad school. But that's not particularly necessary- I learned how to write code with nothing more than a couple books, a computer, and a lot of methamphetamine. A whole lot. So much that the driver had to take two trips. And now here I am, pretty decent in writing code, using my years of practice in order to find pictures of cats with funny sayings on them and save them to a folder on my computer. This is purpose in life.

Theoretical Uses For The Right Analog Stick Other Than Aiming A Gun

2009-04-27T12:07:00.000-07:00

Dear Sony:

From looking at all the games available for the PS3, I'm starting to wonder if there are difficulties in finding something for the right analog stick to do, other than aim a gun. I am wondering this because, although I like having a couple shooters, I don't feel the need to own Killzone/Resistance/Haze/BioShock/Orange Box and all the numerous sequels. If I wanted to shoot things, I would have bought one of those Halo machines. I'd rather play RPGs, but I've found out (1) a lot of really good RPGs are Xbox only, and (2) the best PS3 RPGs use the right analog stick for aiming guns or spells.

Here are some suggestions for you and your game developers for what to do with the right analog sticks. Please enjoy.

Moving between gameplay modes on a HUD.
Nothing, not every game needs to use every single button on a controller.
Activate up to four rarely-used special abilities, based on direction.
Activate one directional special ability, based on direction.
Remove from controller, mail back to game developer with detailed map of rectum.
Paste small inspirational smiley there; gaze down between levels for courage.
Paste small inspirational pornography there; gaze down between levels for power up.
Push for radar or something.
Push once for yes, twice for no.
Hold down to keep PSN from asking you for the millionth time if you want to play Street Fighter IV online. Or any other game with an annoying 'Play Online' popup.
Affix to Wii controller; pretend it's a Mario-related magic mushroom dongle.
OBJECTION!
Live costume changing.
Hold to heal health or something, since it's nigh impossible to hold that thing and press action buttons at the same time.
Use as new, post-recession currency.
Tiny doorknobs to dollhouses.
Push in to access special menu in PlayStation Home, with option to remove all other players.
Push to automatically charge your credit card for $20 more in PSN points (I know you guys like this one).
Hold controller against cheek; nudge right-stick for affection points. Know that everything will be alright.

I Am Supposed To Pimp Twitter Wallpaper

2009-04-08T18:27:00.001-07:00

Twitter Wallpaper is a website, written by Fancy, in client-side. It's written in client-side because Fancy is scared of server-side code. However, I am supposed to pimp this site, so here are some words of praise about twitter wallpaper, which is how you put wallpapers on your twitter.

The twitter is very important nowadays, because everybody uses it. It's basically an SMS, except it lasts forever, and everyone can see all the retarded things you said when you were drunk or bored. Forever. If the 75 million dollars of venture capital is still around when you are fifty, then so will be the twitter, which means that your grandchildren will read about how very much you wanted to have intercourse with a woman who is not their grandmother.

It would obviously be better if your twitter wallpaper showed the Arcade Fire on it, then, wouldn't it? Because the Arcade Fire is a very important band. It did something nobody has ever done before, which is to prove that you can be too lazy to make music that anybody thinks is good throughout the ages. And your grandchildren will ask you, who is this Arcade Fire?

They will ask this in the same way that I asked my grandparents who Engelbert Humperdinck is. And you will get all nostalgic, and a tear will show up in your eyes, and you will say Fuck Yes. The Arcade Fire.

Man, Did They Fucking Suck.

Lunges

2009-04-05T21:54:00.000-07:00

So, I didn't do any lunges today.

This is different from my "normal" schedule, which involves lunges, according to the workout diary I started. Yesterday. Because I care about my body and the lunges, which I have never heard of before, which I have to do.

My thighs feel like they were raped by a penis made of guns. I hate lunges. I also hate the other things that go in my workout diary, like crunches, and things that don't go in my workout diary, like carrying sleepy drunks up the stairs.

Wikijunior Is Entrapment

2009-03-30T11:11:00.000-07:00

10:58amteleolurian

considering wikijunior for my son's home education

10:58amteleolurian

BUT

10:58amteleolurian

http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/Wikijunior:World_at_work/Bus_driver

10:58amteleolurian

answer: THE BORDER

11:00amteleolurian

http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/Wikijunior:World_at_work/Archaeologist

11:00amteleolurian

answer: METH PIPE

11:02amteleolurian

http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/Wikijunior:World_at_work/Teacher

11:02amteleolurian

answer: SMOKING

11:03amd

http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/Wikijunior:World_at_work/Grape_grower

11:03amd

answer: FROM HIS HAND. OMGWTF

11:03amteleolurian

hahahahha

11:03amteleolurian

oh man

11:03amteleolurian

this book is awesome

11:04amd

http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/Wikijunior:World_at_work/Drummer

11:04amd

answer: POOR MUSIC

11:04amteleolurian

SHOEGAZING EMO

11:04amd

http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/Wikijunior:World_at_work/Dive_master

11:04amd

WATER

11:04amteleolurian

A PROTECTIVE CUP

11:05amd

http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/Wikijunior:World_at_work/Life_guard

11:05amd

answer: FUCK YOU; I'M COLOR-BLIND

11:05amteleolurian

IT'S SPONSORED BY MCDONALDS

11:06amd

http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/Wikijunior:World_at_work/Fisherman

11:06amd

SQUID JIZZ

Choose Your Own Animal

2009-03-16T18:51:00.001-07:00

It is my firm belief that everybody should be associated with an animal of some type, because this can let people know what kind of dynamic and caring and selfless individual you are.

Okay, that's a lie. I hate online tests that say "What Animal Are You?" and retarded crap like that because you click on "I am aggressive in bed" and "I like teriyaki" and BOOM, you're a mountain lion. It's completely retarded and proves that people are stupid sheep. Which is a kind of animal.

When I was a little kid, my grandparents would buy me all this monkey shit, probably out of racist glee, even though I hated monkeys. Now that I have a child, I like to subtly hint that he should probably start a collection of octopus paraphernalia, but I'm not going to push it because I don't want him to get all racist against octopi when he is older. Somewhere, somehow, we have to make the hurting end.

This is the place where I'm supposed to ask bloggers all over the internet what kind of animal they are so they can get away with not thinking of new blog posts that say "I just woke up and ate breakfast" and instead say "I just deeply pondered what animal I am and I have to say, metaphorically, that in the strictest Jungian sense I am a baboon with only one testicle". I'm not going to do that though, because bloggers are lazy and only write things because they think that writing things on the internet is going to make Ed McMahon show up and give them a trillion dollars, even though spending that money will only result in people going "OH I GOT SO DRUNK LAST NIGHT" about a billion times.

I usually just dump chatlogs containing miles of in-jokes, or iTunes playlists (which is an idea I stole from another blogger named LoraLoo), and if I can steal content as a non-professional shitblogger then it must be totally easy for you guys to do it, so go do that.

Giant Black Rape Bees

2009-03-16T18:18:00.000-07:00

Recently, I've noticed that my backyard is full of flowers, and that at some point in the past I probably paid for them. So, to get my full money's worth, I went out back on Sunday in order to be around them, ponder deep philosophical questions, and basically just find new ways to be a prick.

Unfortunately, my day of composing poetry and peeing on things was cut short by a gigantic twelve-foot bee, which pretty much claimed ownership of my entire backyard while I ran away crying like a little girl. I was pretty weirded out because I don't even remember bees being this big when I was a kid, but there it was: just cold rocking out in my backyard, looking for things to sting and maybe for a helipad to land on.

Since I was pretty much stuck in the house after this, I looked around on the internet for "gigantic black bee" and "bringer of certain doom" until I found http://this-is-a-real-site-about-bees.com, which said that the Drone Carpenter Bee is basically a giant harmless rape machine with zero stingers.

I don't believe that for a second. I pointed at the picture and screamed "IF THOSE AREN'T STINGERS THEN WHAT ARE THEY?"

My girlfriend says they're just hairs, but she says a lot of things are hairs that later turn out to be tapeworms or something, so I didn't say anything. She's not likely to get help when that thing tries to rape her.

Stolen Mermaid Mirror

2009-03-13T11:27:00.000-07:00

plunk: i thought you stole my mermaid mirror

plunk: then i found it

d: ...

d: wtf

plunk: YOU'RE LUCKY

d: i'm not a thief

d: you asshole

d: i've only taken TWO virginities in my lifetime

d: so screw you

d: not literally

plunk: pft. i saw you eyeballing my mermaid

d: SHE WAS ASKING FOR IT

d: she doesn't wear pants

d: come on

plunk: -_-

d: you know i'm right

d: she's a slut

d: she's been sheltered all her life

d: of course she's going to get gang-banged by sailors while on X

plunk: D

d: IT'S A STATISTICAL PROBABILITY

plunk: THEMS ARE FIGHTING WORDS

d: like the two guys fighting over which gets her mermaid hole?

plunk: >:|

d: YOU DON'T NEED TO FIGHT, GUYS

d: SHE CAN TAKE YOU BOTH AT THE SAME TIME

plunk: <^>

d: she could handle that too

---later---

Teleolurian Kordyne: so

Teleolurian Kordyne: i hear you have a slutty mermaid

kerplunk: hate you both

Teleolurian Kordyne: at the same time?

New Things I Am Listening To On My iPod When I Should Be Looking At The Road

2009-02-20T11:04:00.001-08:00

The Eternals [The Mix Is So Bizarre]

I can't tell if I love this song or hate it, because the guy goes ayayayayayayayayayay through the whole thing. I do know that I pretty much hate the rest of the album. But in this case the mix IS bizarre, and the guy is obviously controlled by his own gamma rays, because he sings about them all the time. I kind of want to know where his gamma rays come from.

Frou Frou [Holding Out For A Hero]

Okay I totally love Imogen Heap, and also I loved this song when it was sung by Bonnie Tyler, back in the eighties, when I first heard it, back when I was like eight. Then I grew up and got too cool for music from the eighties. But then I got too cool for being ironic about liking eighties songs, or something, so the point is I'm pretty confused about what is cool anymore and I just listen to things that sound like sex in my ears, which this song pretty much does.

Emma Pollock [Paper And Glue]

Emma Pollock is the old lead singer of the Delgados, which were a really freaking awesome band. Her solo album is pretty awesomely fantastic and it's hard to pick one song that is better than the others, so I picked Paper and Glue, because it is pretty much the only one I can recognize out of the others, so far, after having had the album for maybe a week.

The Cranberries [How]

Okay, so d gave me this Cranberries album, after I'd forgotten that they existed except for the maybe three songs in my playlist. Surprise, it's pretty awesome, and it's way easier than getting a whole bunch of albums. Because eMusic doesn't really do bands that have been on MTV, ever, which means I'd actually have to pay extra album money. The point of this story is that you should get this album, which is called Gold. Even if Gold isn't exactly the most creative name.

OH BOY!

2009-02-20T10:56:00.001-08:00

Today, I am excited to share with you some things that I am positively affected by. I warn you now, these things are so awesome that they'll make you punctuate random! words! with exclamation points, which are pronounced by punching the air with your fists and making a Face of Totally Rocking Out, plus seven.

Taco Bell. Tacos are delicious and good for your mouth, even if they are bad for your kidneys and eventually your life. The important thing about Taco Bell is that the food is so cheap that even hobos can buy it. With hobo dollars. Which are actually just cans.
Pokemon Platinum, which is coming out on March 22nd. I have to tell you, I hated pokemon and the idea of it, but then my girlfriend said I should bond with the boy child by playing video games with him, instead of just feeding him candy bars all the time. So I went out and bought the Pokemon Pearl, and eventually I started playing it, and now if he messes up my save he is grounded for life to new parents.
Aniracetam, which is stronger than piracetam for making you smart. The down side of aniracetam is that it tastes like somebody gave birth to the insides of a b-complex vitamin, in a room made entirely of feces. But it is good for your brain, and you won't care about taste when you're doing math faster than the speed of light.

Anyways, that is all the things I have to be thankful for right this second. But I'm totally looking forward to showing off my totally sweet Eevee while eating aniracetam tacos and doing math, while driving and doing calculus, and scrolling through my iPod playlist like I do all the time in my car even though I'm supposed to be looking at the road.

Rich By Friday

2009-02-18T14:15:00.001-08:00

So Fancy wants to write an iPhone app, despite not knowing C and occasionally asking me for help with PHP arrays, because he has been seduced by Apple's "it's just that easy" mentality. Never mind that it's 'just that easy' for people who know C; he's convinced that Objective-C is a minor hurdle on the way to the next whatever stupid thing people put on their phones these days.

Writing code in other languages and then migrating to C is like going on tour with your band, and then realizing you've only ever played Guitar Hero, on beginner. I am fully convinced I will be asked to write his application for him, sometime before this Friday, which is when he says he will be rich and his pants will be full of attractive women between the ages of sixteen and twenty-eight.

The Informational Now

2009-02-06T20:36:00.001-08:00

The internet as a global community is happening, but maybe not in the way we think. I look at words like 'global community' and think of one centrist organization, but the truth is that we've trended in the opposite direction since the inception.

What was first a defense project moved through being an education network to the period just before America Online- back when internet users were part of communities based on the companies they gained access through, like CompuServe and GEnie- to become more and more decentralized. Where you got all your content from General Electric, you got your content + usenet + the world wide web through America Online, and then on to megaportals like Yahoo!.

Sites like Yahoo! gave you lots of functionality at the cost of membership, which people are less and less interested in nowadays. A lot of internet users will gladly sign up for a site that offers only part of the functionality of Yahoo!, as long as it only wants username, password, and email address- and then you're part of Twitter, a site with only one function and a thousand implementations, where the lines are always short and where the party never ends.

It's something to think about as we continue to move forward, wouldn't you say?

Rocking The Fuck Out

2009-02-03T19:38:00.000-08:00

So I went to the store and bought the Guitar Hero. I bought it in a trenchcoat and sunglasses, with this really awesome fake Russian accent I've been practicing, because I didn't want anybody to know I was buying this game.

The reason for this is because I am against the Guitar Hero, in theory, because it teaches drunk white college students to jerk off with this tiny plastic guitar instead of maybe learning how to play a real instrument, then writing a bunch of shitty songs and getting turned down for sex with hot women all the time. This is not good for the propagation of our admittedly fucked-up race.

However, I needed to buy the Guitar Hero anyways, because I have kids who like retarded video games, and because the Guitar Hero is fun, and because I am asian and that makes me automatically good at every video game ever. I didn't want to return to the store to buy more accessories, so I just bought the huge World Touring box and covered it with my trenchcoat and dragged it out to my car hoping people would think it was just a body. After that, I tried to put it in my trunk, but it was too large for my tiny Nissan so I had to put it in the front seat. I put a hat on it and drove home in the carpool lane so everybody would think it was just an unfortunately shaped friend or maybe some kind of sex doll, and not the World Touring, because then everybody would point and laugh and maybe crash and then I'd be responsible for a freeway pile-up.

The point is, I got the Guitar Hero home and set up the drums, which are pretty kickass even if they break every time you touch them, and then our whole family played Eye of the Tiger over and over because every other song on that crappy game sucks. Jimmy came over to try to play it but he just wanted me to pay the moneys to download something called the Metallic Death Magnet. I'm sure he made this up because he only has a gameboy, with a tetris cartridge stuck in it, and doesn't know anything about how the new video game machines have internets or extra lives or trophies or any of that shit.

So, anyways, here's my review of the Guitar Hero:

Sound: Eye Of The Tiger 11/10, Everything Else 4/10

Playability: Not As Good As A Real Guitar But Better Than A Rubber Band One

Graphics: Billy Corgan Is A Total Queer

Eye Of The Tiger: Eye Of The Fucking Tiger

Overall: Four, maybe, or Six