Maybe This Is It

We Can't Throw This All Away.

2009-11-05T01:55:00.013-05:00

It always turns out like this.

A Year Spent Cold

2009-08-02T14:21:00.003-04:00

Well, it's been a while again. Not really sure that anyone notices..then again, I don't get much notice in life in general as it is, so no surprise there. I suppose I haven't written in a while because I don't have much to say. Anything I say will just come off as whiny and as I've said in the past I am pretty tired of doing that (though there is a good chance this entry will turn out that way).

These days I have just been working and dealing with the usual bad luck of my life. I've been suffering even more at work lately because when I spend all day at the bookstore my hands end up hurting like crazy from typing all day, so I'm probably well on the way to a nice case of carpal tunnel. Which will be pretty awesome since I don't have medical insurance and I really need the use of my fucking hands. The best part is I am putting myself through more pain and it's not even worth it.

I don't make enough money to screw up my body for my job. I need my hands for important stuff like guitar and writing. Two things which I have been neglecting due to my misery. I've spent too much time dwelling on how unhappy I am with my current situation and I know it won't get any better unless I do something...but I just feel lost. I don't know what to do, where to go, how to get there, and what to do when I get there. I'm horrible at initiating change.

A lot of it has to do with the fact that most changes I have experienced were bad, so I stick to a routine...because even if I hate it I KNOW it like the back of my hand and there are no surprises. But damn it, that's not even true..because bullshit keeps popping up. Now I need to spend money I don't have to fix my car, I had to help out my family with bills...I'm just being dragged down. I just don't feel like there is anything to look forward to. I'm too alone. I don't really have anyone I can talk to.

I know you can't expect others to make you happy in life...but is it so wrong to ask for someone who wants to be there for me? Who cares where I am, what I'm doing, how I'm doing, etc.? Someone who looks forward to talking to me and wants to be close to me. All I really want is someone I can talk to and hold their hand. Something simple and real. It just seems like everyone except me has something or someone they want to dedicate themselves to.

I know what I'll get for saying that: "stop comparing yourself to others," well I'm not. I'm just thinking "why not me?" I'm getting older and instead of feeling more secure I'm just feeling more lost than I ever have. I want to be able to make music or finish a story and maybe have it published (too bad I can never complete an idea). I want to be able to help my mom be more financially stable.

I am not this misery, I'm a lot more than how I feel about my life. Take the time to notice.

So sick of staring down.

2009-07-15T23:06:00.003-04:00

So I don't even want to waste any words on you, but it's sickening to see who you've become. You have no self respect anymore (not that you ever had much to start with..) and I want nothing to do with you. I have no desire to talk or argue, I'm just long over it. You've punished yourself more than anyone ever could and one day when you wake up you'll know just how pathetic that life is.

Anyway, I don't know what's wrong with me lately, but it seems like when I get home from work all I do is waste time. I sit around and think about what to do instead of actually doing anything. I'm tired of people, the way they act, the dumb decisions they make, and how they treat me like I am disposable. I'm worth a lot more than that and I guess if you're someone who can't recognize that you don't deserve to have me around anyway. I say that and yet I am still the one who ends up alone and feeling like shit. Oh well.

Saturday I went over to the Music Square to hang out and briefly took part in an impromptu jam session. It wasn't much and I myself played bass upside down(it was a righty) and badly for only a few minutes. It was still fun though, and it reminded me how much I love hearing music come together...I can't describe the good feeling it gives me. I really need to play more and practice more. I only wish I had reliable people to play with because that would definitely motivate me a lot more.

I'm tired of living a life where I don't do or get anything I want. I mean, what the hell is the point of that? I'm sick of wanting. I need to have more and I deserve to have more.

If it means a lot...

2009-07-10T08:56:00.003-04:00

So it seems like it's been ages since I have written anything. I've wanted to, but for all my thoughts I just couldn't find the words to write. Honestly, I'm not sure I have the right words now.

Surprisingly I finally motivated to apply for a new job and I have to admit, I am pretty scared. I'm afraid of change...but I'm afraid of staying the same. I'm very conflicted. I think it's just anxiety and the fear of something new after doing the same thing day in and day out for so long. I hope that if it works out I can muster up the guts to actually go through with it and make a positive change for myself. I really need it. I don't know how much longer I can carry on in the situation I am in.

I feel like life is wasting away and I don't want that to happen. If I have to be here on this Earth I want my stay to at least be somewhat enjoyable. I want to be able to move forward and prove to myself that I am not as worthless as I feel, because deep down I know I am not. I know I am capable of better things, I just need to figure out how to accomplish them.

I really want to work harder on writing and music, but it seems like every time I try I am plagued by mental block. Or I will come up with lyrics I am really proud of and can't seem to produce the melody I want backing them. It's frustrating, because compared to a lot of the garbage that's on the radio, I know my words could get me somewhere. I don't just want to create something for an easy meal ticket, I just want to be able to do something beyond ordinary jobs.

I want my words to have an impact, maybe to help someone through a hard time in their life. I think that would be an incredible thing, because I know how much certain songs mean to me. Sometimes you can relate so well that you feel as though it was written just for you. I'd love for someone to tell me they feel that way about my writing. It's funny, as much as I loathe people as a whole I am such a caring person.

Well, I guess I should stop writing and go to work. Joy. Did I mention I think I am developing carpal tunnel? Yeah, it hurts pretty bad.

Lame.

2009-06-19T09:15:00.002-04:00

If you don't believe in bad luck, just try living my life. You'll be a believer in no time.

Over.

2009-06-13T00:21:00.003-04:00

A deep sadness wells up inside of me. I reach out for someone, but there's no one there. I'm alone in this. Alone in my thoughts and my feelings. Even if I could explain it there is no one around to care. I search for a meaning, but life doesn't want to give me an answer that makes sense.

Part of me wants to fight...but I'm running out of reasons to keep going. I've spent one too many days staring at the ceiling dreaming, only to never have them come true. This sickness eats away at me like a vulture to a rotting corpse. I'm at the end of my rope. I've even lost the ability to take comfort in the things I used to love.

I feel old and used. There's only one way now...and yet I know that's wrong too. It's all wrong. What's right is a thing of the past. Justice is no more. So I pull the trigger. This is the end.

Pathetic.

2009-06-11T19:15:00.002-04:00

So it's about 7:15 and I'm already dressed for bed. What the hell is wrong with me? I don't want to "go out" and do the things that typical young people do, but this is just pathetic. The past two days have been hell at work, nothing but physical labor and what for? It's just not worth it. Part of me likes the exercise, but I'm really sick of being taken advantage of. I guess that's nothing new though.

It's like the peanuts once said "half the people in this world are the kind who take advantage of the other half" or something to that effect. I'll be doing it every Wednesday and Thursday from now on though, so no escaping that unless I find something new. I shouldn't be this bored...this alone. It's just not fair.

There are a few things that I actually want to work on in my free time, but with all the thinking I do, I just end up too distracted and waste all my time thinking about how much I dislike the situation I am in. So basically the only things I do anymore are things I don't want to do in the first place. That's really not much of a life...and there's so much more to me than this feeling.

Consequences.

2009-06-03T21:07:00.004-04:00

Far too often people forget to think of the big picture and how one small decision can change your life forever. They do what they feel is right in the here and now instead of planning for what's ahead. I always think about the future, the consequences of decisions, and how they will affect me later on. Once you do something, it's done. You can't undo the past no matter how much you wish you could. Regrets don't wash away.

Think about things carefully before you make what could be a huge mistake, even if you don't know it now. While I may have what it takes to resist the so-called "temptations" most people fail to (I say so-called because they're not tempting to me at all), I'm guilty of wondering "what if," and that's what gets me.

I find myself living in daydreams and playing out whole other realities of the way it could be if things would just go my way. They say you have to make things happen if you want them, but what about the things you can't control? There are some things that aren't within your power to make happen, no matter how bad you want them. I could wish on every star until the last one falls from the sky, but I might never really get what I need. I wonder if I'll always be waiting for what may never come.

Smaller, colder, older.

2009-05-31T22:10:00.003-04:00

My world keeps getting smaller. Smaller and colder. The more time that goes by it just keeps getting worse. It was really awesome outside today and I didn't even do anything to take advantage of it. I really should have gone outside and taken some photos..I haven't done that in ages, but I really just didn't have it in me to go out by myself. I need to dig myself out of this, but every time I do something it always feels like one step forward and seventy-five steps back.

but I'll always stay.

2009-05-28T22:20:00.003-04:00

I'm a street cone on the highway of life.
You pass me by and never look back.

Still a lonely boy inside my head.

2009-05-25T21:43:00.003-04:00

There's so much I want to say, so much that I think about over the course of a day, but it feels like I am running low on words. Lately it seems like all I ever do on here is complain and I'm just tired of it. I'm sure anyone who actually bothers reading this is sick of it too. I know it's a huge turn off to listen to someone talk about their unhappiness, so I try not to talk about it with anyone too often. Maybe that's why I save it up for this site.

I don't know, usually anyone I talk to doesn't really seem to understand, and how could they? It's not their life so it's easy to spout out nonsensical solutions to problems they've never had to deal with. Besides, I usually don't need advice...I always know what I need to do, it's just putting things into motion which is the hard part. I can sit here and go into another self-analysis about how I'm not good with change and initiating it, but that's a tired subject as well.

I'm feeling more alone than ever these days and I don't think anyone really notices. Or maybe they do and they just don't care. It seems like I can't find anyone who wants to be close to me. Just someone to talk about anything and everything with, whether it's deep conversation or just joking around. Every time I feel like I am forming a relationship like that it starts to fade away, usually without good reason. I just don't understand where I go wrong. To hell with that though, I KNOW it's not my fault. I'm always there for people I care about.

Anyone who knows me knows that I am the furthest thing there is from cocky, but I have a lot to offer. Maybe not in the financial sense, but I'm very caring, loyal, honest, and for the most part fun to be with. People make me sick, they all say they want something good and then when it's right in front of them they just pass it by. I know I'm worth it, now someone else needs to realize it.

The world feels so disappointing...I just want to lock myself away from everything and write or work on music. That's another problem I've been having, I try to put my mind to accomplishing things I want to do in my "free" time and I either end up thinking about something stupid, falling asleep 'cause I'm tired, or just suffering from mental block. I mean fuck, can't I just enjoy anything anymore?

In your world I have no meaning.

2009-05-23T09:12:00.003-04:00

I'm tired of bullshit. I can do all the positive thinking in the world, but nothing seems to improve. There are moments when it seems like things might turn around, but that doesn't last long and it goes right back to stupidity. I just don't know how much longer I can deal with this for. I was never a big fan of work, but lately it is getting to the point where I literally have to struggle to make it through the week.

It's just not fair to have to feel that way or live like that. I want better and I deserve better, but I guess it's my own fault for not making it happen or something. I don't know, if I could magically get paid for doing things I enjoy I would have done that by now. I'm starting to feel very old, and even though I know there is still plenty of time left, I also feel like it's running out an alarming rate.

Last night I just sat here thinking, and I found myself wondering (as I often do) why it seems like I am so easy to give up. It seems like people come along and I get to know them, get to like them, and then they just fade out as though I am nothing. I can't seem to keep anyone around. I know it's not my fault because I don't do anything....but after a while you start to wonder what's wrong with you.

I'm a good friend, I'm honest and I'm loyal..and pretty damn nice. I might not do the things that are stereotypically "fun," but I'm not boring by any means. I can be pretty entertaining. It's also funny because they compliment the fuck out of you and make you feel good about yourself and then disappear. You just end up thinking "well if I am so great, what the hell happened?" I wish I knew what was wrong with everyone. Is there anyone out there who really wants someone decent in their life?

Waste.

2009-05-19T21:27:00.003-04:00

I don't really understand my life. In fact, I'm kind of at a loss of words on what to write. I don't even know why I'm bothering to make an entry. I guess it's just a lack of anything better to do. All I want to know is why things have to work out the way they do. Is there a purpose for all the bullshit, or is it just to torture me? Because it certainly feels like the latter.

I don't think I ask for too much out of this world, so why is it so hard to get? I don't think it's too much to ask for to have someone care and just to have a decent life where I can do something with my life that doesn't make me want to kill myself at the end of the week. If I can't have the life I really want, I honestly don't see the point of having one at all. I'm sure that most people will read this and think I need serious help or something, but who cares?

Maybe I think too much, but I'm not the type of person to just "go with the flow" when it's not taking me to where I want to be. I'm just tired and I don't think it's fair that I have to feel this way. I just want to enjoy my life, but it seems like life goes out of it's way to prevent me from doing so.

Something More to Feel.

2009-05-17T20:55:00.003-04:00

I really hate the last hours of the weekend. I always end up just sitting around and dreading the start of the new week. The problem is that it's the same week over and over with nothing to look forward to, except two-day intervals before I get to do the whole damn thing over again.

I just need something more to look forward to. Something to make me feel like I am headed toward something other than more of the same garbage that I don't even want to do in the first place. There was something I was looking forward to...but I'm not sure if that's going to happen the way I thought it would.

*Cue everyone telling me "I don't want it" or some other lame excuse for things I can't control not going the way they should* Yeah, that's another thing I am sick of. Apparently there is some life secret I missed out on where if you just want something bad enough it will magically happen for you.

No? It hasn't worked for you? Oh, well you're probably just not doing it right. I mean, if that's all I needed to do in life to get the things I really wanted, I think I would have had it all a long time ago. And I'm unrealistic? What a bunch of hypocritical rubbish.

Admiration Proclamation.

2009-05-12T21:09:00.004-04:00

Have you ever really admired someone? I mean, really admired them. Everything they do down to the littlest thing. You wish she could see inside your mind so she could know just how wonderful you think she is. All you want to do is talk to her, be in her company, listen to her voice, and hold her hand. You think she's beautiful, but you don't think about "scoring", it doesn't even come to mind, the only thing that matters is having the privilege of being in the company of someone so awesome.

She's your first thought when you wake up in the morning and the last thing you're thinking of before you fall asleep. She's changed your life just by being in it and even if you never ever get the chance to be with her, you know that you'll always think the world of her. Any girl you meet afterward, she will be the basis for comparison. If you don't get the chance to find out what it's like to be with her, you'll probably spend the rest of your life wondering. Fate is funny sometimes.

"They don't make them like you anymore."

Rules of living.

2009-05-07T17:17:00.004-04:00

Dream. Dream a lot. Dream of the plausible, dream of the impossible. Dream of life in other galaxies and what it would be like if you could see all that the universe has to offer. Dream about living out whole other lifetimes and how it would be if things went exactly your way. How it could be if you had your ideal job, love, or a million dollars. Dream what makes you happy, just don't forget to try your hardest to make those thoughts your reality.

Forgive. Life is too short to let yourself be brought down by the mistakes of others, don't let it control your life. In the end they'll get what's coming to them. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday. Tell these people (whether to their face or simply in your heart and mind) that you forgive them for the pain they've caused you and move along. Holding onto the hurt doesn't get you anywhere, living well is the best "revenge".

Laugh, laugh as much as you can. Laugh with your family, friends, and loved ones. Laugh all by yourself when you think of that funny conversation you had yesterday. Who cares if people think you're crazy, keep them guessing. Make others laugh, bringing happiness creates personal happiness.

Love. Love with everything you've got. If someone is special to you, let them know just how much and as often as possible. Hug them, hold them, share your deepest thoughts and feelings. Do everything together, do nothing together. Look up at the stars, take a walk in the park, hold hands. Just enjoy the company of those you care for. Real love is a rare and wonderful thing, if you have true love, do everything you can to hold onto it, because it may never come around again. In the end, it's all we really have in this world.

Respect. Respect each other. Respect all living things, big and small. Don't step on bugs just because they're in your way, they are just as worthy of life as you and I, maybe even more-so.

Little things. Appreciate the little things in life and do little things for those you care about. The way it feels to get into the warm car on a chilly morning. A hot shower after a day of hard work. Laying in the grass and looking at the clouds. The way the leaves crunch under your feet on a cool Autumn day. Playing in the leaves. Looking at the stars on a summer evening. Playing classic video games. Hearing a song you love on the radio. The sound of the rain on the roof. Do the dishes for your mom or significant other. Give flowers. Leave notes. Hold the door. Hugs.

Anger. We've all been there (me probably a lot more often than most), but don't let it build up...release it in healthy ways. Work out, go for a run, hit a punching bag, rip a magazine, scream at the top of your lungs in the middle of the woods or into a pillow.

Cry. Cry tears of sadness, cry tears of joy. If you feel it, let it out. Whether you're alone in your room or with a friend or family member.

Be true. Stay true to yourself, don't let anyone down your beliefs. Don't do things just to fit in with your "friends" or society. If someone really cares about you, they will love you for who you are, not what you do or don't do. Sometimes you're going to feel alone, like you're the only one who feels the way you do, but trust me, you're not. If you alter yourself to fit in with people, you'll never know who you really are, and a life without an identity of your own is not one that's worth living. After all, if you're not yourself, then who are you?

Remember. Remember the good times in your life. They'll always be there for you when you need something comforting. They're your memories, replay them as often as you like.

Hope. When things are at their worst, sometimes the hope for something better is all you have. Try not to lose it, even when it doesn't feel like it can get any worse.

Believe. Believe in something. Whether it's God, fate, the tooth fairy, Nu, or some other force that brought this all into being. What fun is it in thinking everything in life and the universe is one big accident? And even though at times it's difficult, believe in yourself...because sometimes all it takes is one person to make big changes.

Life is a mystery and why things happen the way they do...we might never understand. Millions of people have lived and died on this planet. They've created inventions, thought up wondrous ideas, cures for diseases, and so much more. It's a bit overwhelming when in the grand scheme of things you realize your life may not matter one bit, but I think if you can just have an impact on at least one other person in your life, then you've done something worthwhile. Of course, these are just the thoughts of one meaningless speck. I leave you with that.

The Way it Should Be.

2009-05-04T20:07:00.005-04:00

I wonder why it has to be so difficult for me. What's the purpose of it all? It feels like all this time I spend thinking and being unhappy with the way my life is going is time wasted that I will never have back. I don't want to reach a point where I look back on my life and realize that I could have done so much more. Sometimes I find myself doing that a lot already. If I only have one life I want it to be one I can enjoy while I am here. Otherwise I really don't see the point in being alive at all. Why bother with living if you can't feel truly alive while doing it?

I don't know, I just feel so useless. There are things I want to do, but realistically I don't feel like I can achieve them. I want to do more writing, not only on this site, but I want to finish my game storyline idea as well. I want to sit around and make more music, but it seems like every time I am left with free time I spend it either taking a nap or thinking about how much I can't stand the situation I am in. My obstacles are taking up all my time and taking away what little enjoyment I get out of the things I actually care about, and it's just not right.

I know I don't want to be in this stupid area anymore, but at the same time I don't really know how to get out. I could use just a little help, a head start of some sort, if you will. Now I know in life you have to depend on yourself, but is it too much to ask for someone to count on? I've never been one to have a lot of friends, but I feel like I've lost pretty much all the friends I had and I don't even know why. I'm a good friend, I know I haven't done anything wrong to anyone.

I always feel like a spectator, I watch everyone else move along while I just stay in the same place. I want to know when it's my turn, I want it to be my time to shine, my time to feel truly happy to be alive. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a total depression case. I have appreciation for various little things in life that bring me droplets of happiness...but there are times like these when I think and think and realize that I am not where I really want to be.

Apparently I'm not supposed to express that though because then I am just being a "downer." I mean, God forbid you're able to put aside all the superficial bullshit of life; celebrity gossip, the latest reality show, what happened between Johnny and Jill at the movie theater last night, etc. and talk about deep things that matter like real feelings. I'm convinced that people either A. don't have deep feelings or B. try to ignore them the best they can because that keeps them in their little cloud of happiness.

Whatever, I'm not about to pretend things don't exist just so I can be happy, to me that's not really happiness. It's ignorance...but I guess like they say, it truly must be bliss. It seems as though the way it should be and the way it is are always two very different things. I should be enjoying my life and spending time doing the things I want to do and being with the people I care about, but instead I am trapped here in my own personal hell. I really need a change and I need it soon, or else I don't know what I'm going to do.

"I've been worrying so long now with nothing to show"

More of the same.

2009-04-21T20:59:00.006-04:00

I really need to get out of here. This place just brings me down and I'm sick of the daily routine of my life. My job isn't all that terrible, but at the same time it's torture. I've been there for too long and it's just never going to go anywhere. There's no room for something more, it is what it is. I guess I am to blame because I don't just go out and get another job, but what choices do I have? Fucking wal-mart? Or one of its many clones? Cause that's basically all the "opportunity" there is here.

Sure it would be a change, but it would just be trading one shitty job for another. I need a new start, all I ever do is daydream about not being around here anymore and living a totally different life. As hard as it may be for people in this area to comprehend, there is far more to life and the world than upstate New York and all of it's douchebaggery. Sure, there are shitty people all over the world, but let's put it this way: if New York was a piece of shit (c'mon, it's not that much of a stretch) then upstate New York would be like...the piece of corn in said piece of shit.

Aside from Rodney there is pretty much no one here that I can relate to or talk to without getting annoyed somehow, and shortly he'll be leaving so life here is about to get a whole lot more fun. Most days on the way to work I find myself thinking that I should just keep driving and not stop until I am far far away. It's just not that easy though....or is it? I really don't know anymore. I just know that I want a change and I want it to be a change that I control and am happy with.

Speaking of happiness, there is someone (you know who you are) I would like to thank for bringing some excitement into my life and being there for me. You've come to mean a lot to me in a short time and talking to you just makes me happy and I really can't wait to see you and find out what the future holds. =) It's really the one thing I look forward to.

Now, for something completely unrelated. What the fuck is up with this twitter garbage? I mean, do we really need to know every time Johnny-no-name wipes his ass? I don't know about you, but I couldn't give two shits and a fuck what these people do with themselves. Seriously, are you people so pretentious as to assume that someone out there actually cares what you are doing every 10 seconds of your life? And if you're so damn busy, then shouldn't you be too caught up in your awesome activities to update your status all day?

Now to top it off it seems bands are joining the bandwagon and signing up for twitter accounts. Great, just what every 15-year-old fan girl needs, a new way to stalk their favorite "hottie" from some band whose music makes you want to impale yourself on a wooden spoon. "Social-networking" as they call it, is getting out of control.

As if myspace wasn't bad enough to start with now everyone and their mother has facebook, twitter, myspace, and whatever other lame websites to over-glorify your poor excuse for a life is out there. If you've been to one of these sites you've been to them all and I really don't understand the need to sign up for each and every one of them.

It also really pisses me off that I can't sign up for one website without it being a myspace clone in some way. For example, having friends on youtube...what is more worthless than youtube friends? I think youtube friends might be slightly less useful than a musical toaster. It's bad enough that they allow these morons to post videos and leave comments, but now I have to deal with friend requests too?

Then there is imeem, which is actually a pretty damn good site for listening to music and finding music related to what you like. But of course they have to ruin it by having a feature for friends, a detailed profile, photos, etc. I just don't get it, if I wanted to go to myspace I'd log on to fucking myspace. Not every website on the planet has to follow in suit. Just stop it. Stop the bitchery and realize how retarded the whole thing is.

Always too far away..

2009-04-07T20:50:00.004-04:00

Sometimes my life is ridiculously ironic. The things I want most always seem too far away to obtain. It's like the universe is trying to show me that I just don't belong here. I really don't have anything good or worthwhile here, and what little I do have is slowly but surely leaving.

I'm tired of missing out on things simply because I live in shitville, New York. Then again, I've never had much luck, and maybe no matter where I go I am doomed to feeling like this. I know I shouldn't say that, but it seems like when I finally do come across something worthwhile, there is some type of huge obstacle in the way keeping me from it.

I guess I'm doing a terrible job at keeping up with updating again, I've just had a lot on my mind. Funny, because you'd think that having a lot on your mind would make for a lot more writing, but no. My mind is on overload and I have so many thoughts that I can't seem to find the proper words to organize them into something legible. I guess that's all I have for now....all I'm going to say is that I don't ask for much out of life, I just really want this to work.

"A little far for me to reach.."

That's deep, yo.

2009-03-21T14:45:00.004-04:00

Every morning I wake up, and even if the sun is shining through the window, still I feel the darkness well up inside. I want to enjoy the sun, the promise of a new day, the hope of a bright future and all the wonderful possibilities that life can bring. Instead I find myself weighed down by this world. A place where it seems good deeds go unanswered, morals make you "sheltered" or "uptight", and being just another face in the crowd is the way to being "liked". Where most people are forced to go through things which they don't deserve, while those who cause all of the problems continue on "happy" and care-free. There's something wrong with that picture.

The repetitive routine of daily life and the longing for something more drain the life from me and make me feel as though I am walking uphill with a boulder chained to my ankles. Old at such a young age, who would've thought? Living for the weekend has become a way of life. Days of rest and relaxation which should be spent doing the things you love, are now just days to dread the week which follows. It's all over in the blink of an eye and the path to nowhere begins again. Well, I've had enough. I'd like to draw my line in the sand, and if the proverbial army of routine dares cross it, I will lay it to waste. Of course, that seems like nothing but an unrealistic fantasy.

In all honesty, if the routine I followed was something I actually wanted, I think I would be perfectly okay with more of the same. I'm not what you would call a big fan of change, in fact, I detest it. You know what they say the only constant in life is? That's right, you guessed it: change. So how do I deal with this? How do I go through this life knowing that slowly but surely nothing remains the same? Everything comes to an end, nothing lasts forever, etc. etc. I've heard and experienced that enough times, that's for sure. Why do we say forever when we know it won't last? When did "always" become temporary? Why do we say "never" and make promises we can't keep? Sometimes, I feel like I am the only one who can stay true to my word. If I knew I didn't mean something, I simply wouldn't say it.

Good things seem to be over much faster than they begin. When you experience the most wonderful times of your life, it's as though someone hits fast forward and before you know it you're at the end. I want to hit pause, I want to freeze time, I want to make it last. I don't want it to feel like one big mistake when it's all over. Nobody seems to think like this, they all just do what they think is good for them in the moment and come to realize when it's far too late. It's thoughts like these that make me want to wake up and have every moment of my life up until now just be an insanely long nightmare. Even if I could do that and know everything I know now, I'm not really sure I would do it that much differently.

I sometimes feel as though maybe all my good moments have passed me by (and to be honest, I can't say I've had that many) and the rest of my days are just going to be spent on false hope and empty wishes. Do we have a predetermined amount of good moments in our lives? Living through fantasy because reality is just too hard to bear. I'd like to think I am stronger than that, but I just don't know. Sometimes I play out whole other life in my mind, what if so and so didn't happen, etc.?

It depresses me, because my imagination creates a far better reality than the world in front of me has provided. I want to change the world, I want to change people, I want to make them understand that life doesn't have to be the way it is just because "that's life!" There are so many things I want to do, I just don't feel I have the necessary means to follow through on them. As my rambling comes to a close, I can only hope that this makes a difference to someone.

You say I care too much, I say you just don't care enough...

Diverge.

2009-03-16T19:37:00.004-04:00

I purchased this single when it came out last year, but I came across the translation for the lyrics and I remembered how much I really enjoy this song. Mihimaru GT is Miyake (composer, lyricist, and vocalist) and Hiroko (lyricist and vocalist), the group's name comes from taking the first two letters in each members' first name and adding "maru", or "perfection", to the end of it, as well as the initials for Miyake's favorite video game - Gran Turismo.

They usually lean towards an upbeat hip-hop/pop sound, but sometimes venture into the rock genre. "Diverge" however, is a nice ballad. It's a break up song about two lovers splitting up, aka "diverging" from each other. The song opens with Hiroko's soothing vocals backed by keys. About 35 seconds in the pace picks up just a little bit and a mini orchestra kicks in. I really like how the song mixes keys, guitar, orchestral instruments, a turn table, and even some rap during the bridge by Miyake.

Just from listening to the song without the translated lyrics you can tell it's a sad/emotional song. I think they did a great job of capturing emotion with sound alone. However, the lyrics are wonderful (though a little depressing) as well:

You’re the one I can’t forget
No matter how far apart we are
My voice cries out and I know we’ll meet again

It seems so far
Even though we could have walked this road long ago
Starting from the streets I don’t recognize anymore

The wind gently asks for an answer as it blows
Yes, forever

I can’t forget you
That time which was brittle as glass
Still resides within my heart
And will not disappear

It’s so lonely
Even though I thought the gentle smile
In my photo album would last forever

Why am I not able to chase after you?
Yes, forever

I can’t forget you even as time rushes by
We’ll exchange our love and even as I tremble, I can walk on

Now on this endless journey
In which I’ve destroyed everything
I embrace a tiny bit of happiness
To get me through today

Even now a joyous face is branded on
Yet your body still fades away
That frame, that phrase
You hurt me and chose a different rail
Why do people’s feeling change?
Is this the bottom of Naraka¹ for those with deep desires?
I apologize and gives thanks
To my beloved days and to you

No matter how it turns out

You’re the one I can’t forget
No matter how far apart we are
My voice cries out and I know we’ll meet again

I realize that all things that take shape
Must come to an end someday
Yet still the world keeps on turning

I can’t forget you even as time rushes by
We’ll exchange our love and even as I tremble, I can walk on
(Yes, forever)

You’re the one I can’t forget
Even if this world withers away to nothing
I don’t regret standing here now

^{1 - Naraka is a Buddhist world of great suffering, similar to hell or purgatory}

translation courtesy of http://www.quartet4.net/

You can listen to the song and check out the music video below:

Mihimaru GT - Diverge Official music video.

Enjoy.

One Year.

2009-03-11T17:45:00.003-04:00

Today is the one-year anniversary of Maybe This Is It. Well, it would have been 4 years if I had kept my first account going, but I suppose I should cut my losses and be happy that I have been more dedicated this time around. Sure, I don't write as often as I would like to, but I'm trying.

Anyway, I didn't really have a specific topic planned, I tried to think of something, but my creative thoughts failed me. As I write this I am listening to J-pop act ZARD, and she happens to be one of my favorite artists, so I'll introduce you. ZARD was made up of 5 members, however, the only member who was constant was vocalist Izumi Sakai, so for the most part, she is/was ZARD. She debuted back in 1991 with the single "Goodbye My Loneliness", which happens to be an excellent song, the rhythm is very reminiscent of "Every Breath You Take" by The Police.

Some of my other favorite singles are 1995's "My Friend" which was used as an ending theme for the Slam Dunk anime, and 1997's "Don't You See!" which if you read my Dragon Ball post, you know was used as the 2nd ending theme for Dragon Ball GT. One of the things I find amazing about her is that she played her first concert in 1999, 8 years after releasing numerous hit singles and rarely made t.v. appearances. Her first real tour was in 2004. To me it's mind-blowing that an artist could become as popular as she did without playing a concert for that long.

ZARD was not just a studio group though, they had incredible talent live and Miss Sakai's voice sounds just as good live as it does in her recordings, something many artists just cannot accomplish. She wrote also wrote many songs for other Japanese artists and bands such as Field of View, DEEN, and WANDS. She earned her popularity through her music alone and didn't use her looks (though she was an attractive woman) to boost her success, which I find very admirable. (and something many other female artists fail at.)

Unfortunately, she passed away on May 27, 2007 at the age of 40, but she left behind a wonderful catalog of music that will live on forever. ZARD was one of the first Japanese artists I listened to and I'll always remember how awesome the first time I heard her music was. I hope you will give her a chance and enjoy the sound of her unique, soothing voice. I've compiled a huge playlist of 73 of her songs for you to do just that below:

Some noteworthy tracks are: Ready, Go!, Goodbye My Loneliness, Don't You See!, Ihoujin (featuring Tak Matsumoto of B'z fame), Today is Another Day, Kyowa Yukkuri Hanasou, Sayonara Wa Imamo Kono Mune Ni Imasu, kanashii hodo anata ga suki, Darekaga Matuteru, Forever, Boy, Kononamida Hoshininare, I'm in Love, Listen to me...whoa, got carried away there, but they are all great for their own reasons.

Well that's all I have for now, but hopefully there will be many more years of Maybe This Is It to come, so stay tuned.

Final Fantasy IV: The After

2009-03-04T19:30:00.009-05:00

Final Fantasy IV: The After, or "The After Years" as it's going to be called in the U.S. (What is this, one of those VH1 where are they now specials?) is a sequel to the SNES classic, Final Fantasy IV. In Japan, "The After" was released for cellphones, so for a while a U.S. release seemed like a dream, until now. Apparently it's going to see the light of day on the Wii (it's funny, I called it when I said if it ever did get released over here it would be on a platform I had no interest in purchasing.), I think a DS release would make a lot more sense given the GBA re-releases and the new version of FF4 for DS.

I suppose it's possible that they'll release it across the board and have Xbox Live and PSN versions, but I have yet to be able to purchase a PS3. Anyway, "The After" takes place 17 years after the events of FFIV and revolves around Cecil and Rosa's son Ceodore. It looks like all the old cast is present with plenty of new faces to make things interesting. They've added a system for "double techs" of sorts, called the "band" system and it looks as though the graphics were made to look more Final Fantasy VI-style. Final Fantasy IV (or II as I knew it back then) was a big part of my childhood and it's really awesome to see one of my favorite stories continued, even after all this time. I really like that it was made in the old 16-bit style, that just adds to the nostalgia factor.

I read a little bit more than I should have on the Final Fantasy wiki about the story, but I just couldn't help myself. From what I saw, it seems like they managed to capture the spirit and themes of the original story. Everything about FFIV was perfect: the characters, the story, dark knights, the music...just too good. So I have very high hopes for this and I really hope square wises up and decides to release this on more than one platform. You can check out the Japanese site for artwork and some screenshots, and story/character info if you can read Japanese (if not the wiki link I provided earlier is for you.)

You think you know GT?

2009-02-25T18:46:00.008-05:00

I picked up season 2 of Dragon Ball GT the other day, so now that I have the whole series I can talk about some of the differences on this release. If you don't already know the "season sets" from Funimation started with the release of the Dragon Ball Z series, which I don't think they are through putting out yet. Anyway, the Z sets, affectionately dubbed the "orange bricks" by some fans, are in widescreen format. Why? "For a more cinematic experience" of course. This topic has been talked to death though so I'm going to move away from it as quickly as possible, but with the Z sets, you lose about 15-20% of the top and bottom of the original picture. Which is the reason why I only bothered to get seasons 1, 2, & 3 of Z. (They were the only episodes I didn't have in uncut format.)

However, in the great tradition of Funimation's confusing business tactics, GT is left in it's original full screen format. Which is definitely a plus, I think they made a smart move there. I just wish they would have treated Z the same way, it makes absolutely no sense to crop one series and not the other. The packaging for the GT sets is an ugly neon green color which you can see here. The character art they chose is simple, but still looks pretty cool. If you click here and here you can see what the packaging looks like all opened up. As you can see each set comes with a little booklet, it just has an episode listings/descriptions and character profiles. Although, I wouldn't pay the profiles much mind as they are written from dub perspective.

You get 34 episodes on season 1 across 5 discs, and season 2 contains 30 episodes, also across 5 discs, plus the GT t.v.. special. I don't know much about picture quality when it comes to DVDs and tvs, but the picture looks pretty damn good to me and there are no noticeable flaws. I'm pretty sure they didn't do any redubbing in the English version, but GT's dub was the closest to the original script funimation ever managed to stay.

There are still some parts where they added in irrelevant stupidity and talking where there was silence in the original, but on a much lesser scale than they did with DBZ. The option for English voices with Japanese audio is also present on these sets, which if you've heard the dub music, you know how much of a godsend such a feature is. Of course, you could just watch the Japanese version and avoid any problems, but the dub with the original music actually isn't halfbad.

While I've never completely warmed up to most of the dub's cast since Funimation took over for Ocean, I do still have somewhat of an attachment to it just because it's what I grew up watching before I could see the original. Although, I did used to watch Z and GT on the international channel back in the day. There is also the option to have the English voices and Funimation's dub music, I'm not sure if they still have that stupid rap theme because I don't watch it with that audio track. Which leads me into the best thing Funimation has ever done with the Dragon Ball series: dubbed version of the original Japanese opening and endings. Why couldn't they do this right from the beginning? Why?

When I first heard about the opportunity to hear some of my favorite songs in new English versions I was excited. Now that I have heard them...I enjoy them, but I still prefer the original songs. DAN DAN has the best vocals and lyrics, but they didn't use the original instrumental for the song and came up with their own variation. It sounds good, but it's missing some of the charm of Field of View's version. Check out the English version of DAN DAN here. I definitely like the fact that they stayed close to the original meaning of the song, but the Japanese song is the winner.

Ending #1 for GT is Hitorijanai, originally by DEEN. Funimation's version is pretty good lyrical translation and instrumental-wise, but they chose a woman to sing the song when clearly the original singer is male. I dunno, whoever she is she's not a bad singer by any means, but her voice just doesn't fit the song at all. Ending theme # 2 is ZARD's (R.I.P. Izumi Sakai) song "Don't You See!" The instrumentation is good and very close to the original, but once again, the vocals (pretty sure it's the same girl who did Hitorijanai) kind of ruined it for me. Miss Sakai's sweet soothing vocals were one of the best parts the original version of this song, and they were completely lost in this translation. Also, while the lyrics are for the most part are accurate, they were poorly delivered. Check out the Japanese version of Don't You See here.

Next up, we have ending # 3, Blue Velvet, originally by Kudo Shizuka. This is probably the worst of the dubbed themes, the drums are too low, the vocals are obnoxiously executed, and the lyrics stray too far away from the original. See the English version here and the original here. Last but not least, we have ending # 4, "Sabitsuita Machine Gun De Ima Wo Uchinuko" originally by the awesome J-rock group, WANDS. This is probably the 2nd best of the dubbed songs, the vocals, while not up to WANDS' are pretty close, the instrumental sounds great, and the lyrics are pretty well translated. English version here and Japanese version here.

Overall, their efforts were pretty good, but my main problem is that the English versions come off as typical Saturday morning cartoon theme songs, instead of what they actually are, Japanese pop/rock songs. I don't know if Funimation knows this, but those songs were not written for GT, they were only used as themes for the show. You know, these were songs you could actually hear on the radio or watch on the music video channels in Japan. These English versions though....I could picture them on a disney soundtrack or something.

Don't get me wrong, I love that they took the time to do this, I like some of them, and I appreciate the effort to cater to fans who like their shows as they were intended, but there is just something missing. I'm still at a loss as to why they couldn't put this much effort into Dragon Ball Z, it would have been nice to see the theme songs get a translation. It's nice to finally see them get something right, but it took them so long too do it that it's basically too little too late.

I'm sure they'll find a new way to milk the series as they always do, so we'll see what the future brings. All in all if you don't yet own the GT series, this is the best form available to own it in, even if you do own the previous releases, you may want to pick this up just for the Japanese audio option alone.

If you're interested below are links to the full versions of the original Japanese songs:

Dan Dan Kokoro Hikareteku by Field of View (official music video)

Dan Dan Kokoro Hikareteku by ZARD (Izumi Sakai wrote the song for Field of View and later recorded her own version, no official video available.)

Hitorijanai by DEEN (live)

Don't You See! by ZARD (live version)

Blue Velvet by Kudo Shizuka (official music video)

Sabitsuita Machine Gun de ima wo uchi nuko by WANDS (sorry, couldn't find an actual music video or live video)

WTG chronicles.

2009-02-22T22:51:00.005-05:00

So, I've done a pretty terrible job of keeping up with this site. I'm not really sure if anyone really cares or reads this much (outside of like one or two people), but I'm going to try to post more frequently. I really don't have too much to talk about right now, so this is likely to be the most boring thing ever posted on this site. I can't remember the exact date, but pretty soon I'll have had this site for one year (it would have been longer had I not deleted my old account), so hopefully I'll have something of importance written up by then.

Far too often do I let all the things that bother me in life stop me from doing things I enjoy/want to do. It also doesn't help that work gets in the way and usually when I get home I end up too tired to concentrate on stuff. Life just isn't making much sense to me lately, if I don't get to do anything I enjoy, then why should I keep on doing the things that I hate? So I can pay bills for crap I don't even really want. I suppose I'm being slightly unrealistic because I understand we all have to work, but I just feel like I need more freedom to fully pursue the things I enjoy doing. I just feel trapped and none of my alternatives (that are within reason) seem any better than where I am now. I don't really feel like trading one crappy situation for another.

Another thing I have had it with are people, I'm tired of people who act like they give a damn only to go and prove the opposite of what they said. Remember when commitment meant something? How about friendship? Loyalty? Honesty, maybe? Any of these concepts ringing a bell? No? Didn't think so. It's like this shit is completely lost on you dumbasses.

And here lies the problem, everyone claims to want something special, meaningful, someone there for them, not just intimate relationships, but friendships too, yet nobody is willing to be straight up with their friend/significant other/whatever and actually be real. It's like there was a big douche capt. convention and everyone decided "hey, let's all claim to want something real and then when it comes along pass it up for more stupidity!" As if the concept of having a good relationship with another human being is better than actually having it. I don't know, maybe I'm just living in the wrong universe, but it sure would be nice to see someone who actually has the ability to think.

I guess it turns out I had more to say than I thought.