Bot or Not?

Robots, the Environment, and You

2008-05-05T10:16:00.011-04:00

So the other day I heard about this thing called global warming. Apparently, the world is ending or something. Who knew? I'll tell you who: robots. Let's take a look at the facts, shall we? The majority of carbon dioxide emissions comes directly from the burning of fossil fuels. Who has become rich from this practice? None other than their leader, Dick Cheney. Further, robots need energy (which primarily comes from carbon-emitting sources) simply to survive. I may need energy to watch "A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila II," but, in theory, I could survive without. Finally, take a look at this picture. It's a robot with a flame thrower. Who's got the biggest carbon footprint? Hint: it's not Al Gore - it's your friendly neighborhood robot. Case closed.

Let's face it: for longer than we've ever thought possible, bots have been furthering the destruction of our dear planet earth. We've been so foolish not to notice it all along. And now that we can safely shift the blame for global warming away from our own actions, let's all join together and make a difference.

Burning robots and their high-tech components in a ceremonial bonfire sounds like great progress for the environment, right? Totally.

Robot Sports: Right or Wrong?

2008-04-25T13:46:00.006-04:00

The phenomenon of robot entertainment is as old as robots itself. Yesterday, we discussed how Japan's robot entertainment industry is unwittingly training robots to attack and enslave us all. Today we're going to expand upon this subject and examine robot entertainment. First of all, let's look at something like robot soccer (see image). There are two things wrong with this picture: the gleeful smiles on these bots' "faces" and the relative proximity of a precious child. I'm all for robot battles, in which we humans relish in the battles and painful destruction of our truest of enemies (modern day gladiators, if you will, except without all those human rights/morality issues - we know we have the right to take the life of a bot at any time, and take them we shall!).

But back to robot soccer. These bots are enjoying themselves, something I never like to see. And, more importantly, this child, although entertained, is interacting with other robots, and associating said interaction with his entertainment. Kids cannot engage in such behavior, it is truly dangerous. Robot entertainment can be great - hell, they're here to serve us - but there's a fine line between being entertained and advancing the robot revolution. Be sure to consult our advice before attending or promoting any sort of bot entertainment event.

Japan and Robots: A Match Made in Hell

2008-04-24T21:29:00.005-04:00

Japan indeed has a highly developed technology sector, leading the world in astounding and useful gadgets. Japan, however, is also the world leader in advancing the robot revolution. This time, they're arming their robots with lasers and training them to fight in urban battle scenes (follow the link for a video). In the name of entertainment, they're giving these bots exactly what they need to carry out a swift, simultaneous takeover of the world's urban centers. Keep your eyes on the headlines—your mayor is most likely going to have his head fried by an ASIMO sometime tomorrow.

B.O.L.O. - Robocop Update

2008-04-23T11:04:00.012-04:00

Remember this horrifying machine? Well it's still out there, terrorizing the streets of Atlanta. Fiendish fauxbot Rufus Terill spends night after night gleefully harassing passersby from his dive bar/bunker. At first, it seemed his only goal was to assualt people with its water canon, but now it's apparent that Terill is trying to expand his campaign of terror into complete robot tyranny. He recently ran (and lost, thankfully) a recent bid to become the Lieutenant Governor of Georgia, but is now setting out to become the next mayor of Hotlanta. Don't let this nightmare turn into reality.

Robot Threat Level: HIGH
BE ON THE LOOKOUT

Pope Benedict XVI: Bot or Not?

2008-04-23T10:17:00.007-04:00

Questioning the humanity of the most highly regarded spiritual leader in the world may seem controversial, but I think it's all up for grabs when he and President Bush pose for pictures in front of the Confederate battle flag. So on to the facts. Benedict XVI (aka Joesph Ratzinger aka Joey Ratz): solitary cat person? Check. Member of the Nazi Youth? Duh (also, see: Tyler). HOWEVER, his recent bonus-pack of new deadly sins don't really suggest what the aforementioned evidence indicates. Taking a strong stance against some of robots' favorite past times (pedophilia, environmental damage, "morally debatable scientific experiments," and the destruction of human embryos, to name a few) suggest that he may be leading a Catholic anti-bot movement. The jury's still out on this one, but you never know. He could be the freedom fighter we've been waiting for.

PS HAPPY 81ST JOEY

Now You Know: Axe Brand Deoderizing Products

2008-04-18T14:33:00.017-04:00

Recently I was at the gym (hands off, ladies, there's time for that later) and I came upon a putrid stench. I recalled a similar smell from worse times, and eventually identified it as the aroma of someone who had excessively used Axe brand deodorizing spray immediately prior to coming to the gym. And who probably hadn't showered in a few days. Much like my freshman year roommate. To familiarize yourself with this product, please view the below advertisement.

What does this have to do with robots, you ask? A whole lot. People who use Axe spray do not shower. Robots can't shower, either; they'd short circuit. Therefore, robots are people who use Axe. Simple logic. Many, if not all, of these "people" you will recognize to be bro-bots.

So what have we learned today? Do not trust, or talk to, anyone who wears Axe. 1) They smell awful, and 2) they want to kill you. Get them before they get you.

NOW YOU KNOW

Robot Doctors: Right or Wrong?

2008-04-18T14:01:00.008-04:00

We have made our position of robots' place in human society quite clear. So now we're going to apply our Bot Ethics to a real world development: Robot Doctors. Theoretically, it does make sense that robots would serve their human masters by helping them stay healthy and alive. HOWEVER, can we really be sure that this is their true intention? What motives lie behind their LCD-panel faces? Take a look at the above image: is this "doctor" checking for vital signs, or is it making sure its human victim is dead? If I saw one of those things coming my way, I wouldn't wait to find out. Robot doctors are in direct violation of the Second Tenet of Bot Ethics: "Under no circumstances should a bot be placed in a position of power, even over other bots; all require human management." God help me if one of those things ever gets near me to "fix me up."

Bots Done Right: Daft Punk

2008-04-17T11:20:00.009-04:00

Today we're introducing a new section, entitled Bots Done Right. We'd like to highlight the positive contribution that some robots have on society. Sure, they are something of a rarity, but we feel like it's important to point the direction in which robot development should be heading.

A great example of bots done right is Daft Punk. Providing us, their human masters, with endless entertainment is what they do, and they indeed excel at their work. They don't even try to engage in any human behavior whatsoever. Creating bots as successful at Daft Punk benefits entrepreneurial humans as well, by making them ridiculous wealthy. We genuinely thank Virgin Records for constructing Daft Punk. Building robots can be very dangerous, but they found a winning formula. Keep up the good work!

B.O.L.O - Pittsburgh

2008-04-16T21:38:00.015-04:00

Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. I've actually been there once myself. It seems like most other cities, with a pretty nice downtown surrounded by miles and miles of slums. Sure the downtown is a little dirtier and smaller, and the slums are a little dirtier and larger, but it still seems pretty normal, right? Well apparently the city is populated by bot-loving assh*les. They're seriously opening a robot exhibition in the Carnegie Science Center called "Roboworld," which will celebrate the development and portrayal of bots in modern society. Sickening. Some of their favorite bots? The murderous ASIMO and HAL 9000 from 2001 (you know, the autonomous computer that tries to kill all the humans on the spaceship for its self-preservation). Another favorite: R2-D2, which isn't really dangerous, but is just, like, the lamest part about the original Star Wars movies.

For more chilling information, visit their website.

Robot Threat Level: HIGH
BE ON THE LOOKOUT

Heros In Action: Bill Thompson

2008-04-16T11:07:00.006-04:00

Remember David Levy and his alarming prediction of human-robot relationships? If not, please refresh your memory. Fellow freedom fighter Bill Thompson of the BBC recently interviewed this fauxbot and totally put him in his place in a heroic piece entitled "Falling out of love with robots." This man has the right idea about the place for bots in our society, writing: "I want my computers to be perfectly predictable because they are tools, extensions of my will." Amen to that, Bill. Way to spread the word.

Now You Know: Svedka Vodka

2008-04-14T21:26:00.007-04:00

First of all, Svedka brand vodka has a bizarre aftertaste which permeates anything you mix it with, a taste that will be very much in your mouth throughout your guaranteed hangover. More importantly, however, Svedka is represented by a robot. A robot that looks eerily like Victoria Beckham, and a robot that, in my expert opinion, would rape you in a heartbeat if given the chance. Even if this stuff was amazing, no one should be buying it, especially you. I'd be very suspicious about anyone who chooses to drink Svedka on their own free will. Remember Tyler? On many occasions I've caught him with handles of it in his freezer. Disgusting behavior. Just remember, Svedka Vodka: for robots, by robots.

NOW YOU KNOW

Tiffany "New York" Pollard: Bot or Not?

2008-04-14T20:22:00.015-04:00

After touching on the robotic nature of Daisy from Rock of Love II, I began to wonder about another runner-up on a hit VH1 reality dating show: New York, who lost in both Flavor of Love seasons one and two. The similarities between New York and Daisy are striking: they both have as much or more plastic surgery than known bot Lil' Kim, they both almost won reality dating shows in attempts to infiltrate influential B-list celebrities, and, most tellingly, they are insane. As far as I know, humans don't act the way New York does. I mean there's not really much I need to say to prove my point. If you're not convinced, you should watch this academic documentary on its behavior. This one is so a bot: the plastic surgery to look human, the irrational behavior of something that doesn't understand the nuances of human society, and its ceaseless attempts to become a true celebribot show New York's true nature. Tiffany Pollard: ROBOT.

Freedom Fighter of the Week: Bret Michaels

2008-04-14T09:43:00.022-04:00

I've had my doubts about Bret Michaels before, particularly because of his weird eyes (see below). But after last night, he's proven himself to be a true freedom fighter. For any of you who missed history in the making last night, Bret was down to the final two contestants in the genre-shattering reality dating program Rock of Love II. Who was left? Daisy De La Hoya (bot) and Ambre Lake (not). Although he was surely tempted by Daisy's tellingly modified body, Bret made the right decision, choosing a human as his very own Rock of Love (spoiler alert!). Congratulations, Bret, we're totally gonna go see you on tour now and rock out.

Stay vigilant, freedom fighters! Why is it that these things always seem to be related to vh1?

UPDATE: Looks like this bot is gonna get put in its place during the Rock of Love II reunion special. Check out our EXCLUSIVE PREVIEW FOOTAGE:

Britney Spears: Bot or Not?

2008-04-13T12:05:00.008-04:00

So a lot of people have been waiting for this one. Britney here is an interesting subject; take a glance to the image on your right and you'll think "um, like, duh she's a bot, omg." Indeed the plastic-like skin and robotic posture do indicate a troublingly mechanical nature. However, this picture is incomplete, for the true story, see the alternate image below. Listen, people. There's no way B. Spears is a robot. Think about it this way: would a robot really get into countless car accidents and slowly squander its fortune? And sure, she does look like a robot on that DVD cover. But that was just one look during a (downward) progression, which I have illustrated masterfully. She sure as hell doesn't seem too
robotic anymore.

Just trust me on this one, k?

Another blow to the saftey of LA... The Hills

2008-04-13T11:41:00.010-04:00

The Hills is a "reality" show on MTV which follows around a handful of independent young women as they drink, self-promote, and fight their way to the top of the elite social ladder. On the surface, this may seem like your average shitty reality show spawned from a long writers strike; but the truth is much more sinister. The four women above are actually robots. It is easy to tell noticing the human hair woven to their heads, an eerie orange skin tone (a tell-tale sign), and lack of facial expression or emotion. We will continue to examine this show the future, but for right now, here is an overview of some of the main hardware:

Lauren Conrad/Heidi Montag - these two bots were very close, and very compatible. However, their talent and success drew them far apart, destroying souls and property up and down the Southern Californian coast. Their lack of emotion in speaking and conversing make it easy to tell them apart.
Audrina Patridge - She is without question a robot. Just one look and her true nature is exposed.
Whitney Port- who?

B.O.L.O. - Robot Security Guards

2008-04-12T12:42:00.028-04:00

Really, people? I was literally just talking about the importance of ensuring that robots never gain power over us humans. And then the assh*les as Intel sponsor a competition to make robots for the specific purpose of detecting human intruders. Fauxbot and University of Arizona associate professor Charles Higgens claims "we don't want the robot to kill people." Yeah right, guy.

The last thing we need are robots whose only goal is to detect and seek out humans. Sure, first you'll see it spraying water on prostitutes, then at the mall harassing 12 year-olds loitering at Hot Topic, and you'll think, "hey, they're doing a great job." But I think you'll change your mind when there's a pack of them chasing you down a back alley to roborape you.

In light of these troubling advances, and in the wake of yesterday's robot killings, the RTL has been raised. Watch your back.

Robot Threat Level: HIGH
BE ON THE LOOKOUT

Robot Autonomy: What it Means for You

2008-04-11T14:34:00.020-04:00

In today's fast-paced society, it's easy to brush off social problems and focus on your own needs. "It's so sad that poor family got enslaved by robots," you say. "But what am I supposed to do about it?" Well there's a lot you can do, and if you don't, pretty soon we'll all pay the price (see image). Identifying and eliminating all autonomous robots among us is necessary, and it can be fun too! I know I never feel more alive than when I pull the trigger and blast a bot's circuits all over the wall of a dingy basement. And there's no drug that can bring a high quite like the one that comes from crushing insubordinate robots underneath the wheels of your diamond-encrusted Mercedes.

Case in point: lax attitudes towards robot autonomy in South Africa gave a bot the opportunity to hunt down and murder nine people. So is it still not a big deal? You ok with armed robots driving around slaying friends and family? You still think Suri Cruise is adorable?

I thought so.

The Bro-bot: A Primer

2008-04-09T18:31:00.005-04:00

When on the hunt for robots, please keep an eye out for the suspicious bro-bot. These robots will at first try to be very friendly to you and welcome you with open arms, however; these are very dangerous indeed. They exhibit a strong, undying effort to "fit in" with humans, and sometimes this can make it difficult to detect them in a crowd of people. Bro-bots can be found anywhere, whether it be at a park, in a mall, or right behind you. Although they present a limited physical threat, they know exactly how to destroy your mental well-being and test your patience. I have decided to provide a checklist, so that you may distinguish a bro-bot for yourself:

Tribal tattoos, most likely around the upper arm
Baseball hat/visor
A puka-shell necklace
Usually no shirt, but look out for fitted striped dress shirts.
Cargo Shorts (I wonder why they need all those pockets??)
Travel in packs
Excessive use of the words "Dude", "Bro", or "Brah"

If you find yourself in contact with one or more of these "bro-bots," you must initially stay calm. Any sudden movement will set them off, and, unfortunately, they will feed off of each other and irritate you to death. In order to escape, let them know that you have to go, and be mindful to say that you will "catch them later, bro," but feel free to use any of the above terms of endearment.

Good Luck.

Are You Friends with a Bot?

2008-04-09T14:34:00.019-04:00

Even freedom fighters like ourselves let our guard down from time to time: some of us put our children in the presence of poisonous robots, others unknowingly befriend them. The former often find their children kidnapped, murdered, and/or enslaved by robots. If you befriend a one, you will see similar results, except that they will happen to you. If you're friends with a bot, it's only a matter of time.

"What can I do," you say? Well, I'm glad you asked. First of all, use your common sense: if your "friend" doesn't partake in typical human behavior, they're probably a bot. Here are some things to keep in mind:

1) Bots don't have emotions, although they try to fake it; try and make them cry, if you can't, they might just be a bot.
2) Robots don't need food, but some will eat in the presence of humans to appear human—never on their own (check their refrigerators).
3) Most importantly, robots can't really feel pain; they only simulate the reaction. If someone is severely injured and seems to be taking it rather well, watch out.

If you're convinced that you have befriended a robot, immediate destruction is recommended (decapitation is best). Do not confront them; they will deny it and become violent. Before destroying a robot, you should be absolutely sure they are a bot. Apparently, you can get in a lot of trouble for an honest mistake like that.

B.O.L.O. - Poison Attacks

2008-04-09T13:48:00.008-04:00

If bots have anything that resembles an emotion, it's the pleasure they derive from attacking humans. One attack they excel in is the use of poison against humans (see image). But this time they've gone too far. Chinese robots have been poisoning our beloved children, and we're only catching on now. Of course, these parents were obviously asking for a robot attack by breaking two rules: buying armed, toy robots for their children (whom, as we've discussed, parents should be protecting from such influences) and buying said toys at a dollar store (known bot havens). But these aren't bad people, they simply let their guard down, and you could too. Don't let this happen to you—stay vigilant!

Because this attack was shut down quickly, the RTL remains unchanged. God bless the freedom fighters U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission.

Robot Threat Level: ELEVATED
BE ON THE LOOKOUT

Kill Bot, Get Girl

2008-04-08T22:55:00.015-04:00

OK, so this was supposed to be my day off but... "you know me," can't stop fighting the fight for freedom! : ) Any-who, in a most recent session of BRR (bot related research) I came across this really telling video found on this funny website http://www.youtube.com. It tells the classic story of servant bots gone wrong. Just an essential reminder of how important the micromanaging of intelligent bots really is. It really does warm my heart to see such socially responsible video productions; it's just something we could all use a little more of, y'know?

Action really kicks in about 1:05 if you're "one of those."

Remember: Kill the bot, get the girl.

Children and Robots: A Helpful Guide

2008-04-08T22:09:00.020-04:00

In the past, we have alluded to the dangers of mixing children and robots, but I think it is important that we directly address the issue. We here at Bot or Not? love children, and the last thing we want to see is a generation turn into fauxbots or see on the news that a Japanese family's ASIMO is holding their children hostage. But let's face it, just like Marv said in Home Alone, kids are stupid. They won't understand the inherent inferiority of artificial intelligence, and will not treat bots with the contempt they deserve. To keep your children clean, please follow these guidelines:

1) If you employ a robot for any type of service (vacuuming, rickshaws), use their services sparingly around children.
2) If you are with your children in the presence of a robot, be sure to address it with derogatory terms ('bot, 'chine, junk).
3) Do everything in your power to demonstrate that bots' purposes are to serve humans, and strongly punish any child that treats a robot on a respectful level.

If you follow these rules, your children will grow up with healthy attitudes towards robots and surely grow to be the freedom fighters you wish them to be. If not, well, someday soon you may just see this in your backyard:

Lil' Kim: Bot or Not?

2008-04-08T00:03:00.005-04:00

This may seem like a pointless post because we all have known Lil' Kim to be a "celebribot" for quite some time now. Sure in the late '90s we all assumed she was just like any other female rapper—y'know, harmless, talentless but most importantly we thought her to be one of us (human!). Around the start of Y2K we all realized how incredibly wrong we all were...

Notice the never-ending cycle of progression and regression, changing color like a chameleon, noses like Michael, and bust size tenfold that of miss Pamela Anderson. Now, some have theories that Lil' Kim has actually just been partaking in the ever-so-normal act of "skin-bleaching" however, all of us here know that is not the case. It is simply just constantly changing its exterior shell to hide the metal within. Well its OS must be totally whack because its relentless pursuit of morphing as a means of deception has only lead freedom fighters all over the world to ban her music, explaining this bot's now defunct "music career." Now you know.
Now, this is not to say plastic surgery is a definite "go" for deeming someone/thing as a bot, but never in history has one human ever shown such a resistance to body reconstruction side effects... Even Michael's nose was seen nearly falling off at one point. The point is simple: either you go in for a lil' fix up and call it quits or your human body starts to simply dissolve into thin air. These are simple plastic surgery FACTS my friends. In conclusion, even though I feel my case is closed, I end with a simple statement, Lil' Kim: Bot or Not? You decide!

B.O.L.O. - SkySeers

2008-04-07T22:41:00.016-04:00

This past week, The US Forestry Department purchased two flying robots to patrol the deep California woods to hunt for marijuana plants. These automated snitches are run by the DEA, can send images of the forests, and are computer controlled (for now). These things are lightweight, portable, and fast. They even have night-vision to catch suppliers at all times.

Hide your stash guys, unless you want to spark it up with a laser from a flying beast. Shoo fly, you're killing my buzz.

The RTL remains high... but not for long, if the robots get their way.

Robot Threat Level: HIGH
BE ON THE LOOKOUT

Technosexuality and You

2008-04-07T22:13:00.020-04:00

This past October, Professor David Levy at the University of Maastricht in the Neatherlands made a chilling announcement: "My forecast is that around 2050, the state of Massachusetts will be the first jurisdiction to legalize marriages with robots." No doubt Professor Levy then excused himself to overdose, right? Wrong. He seems genuinely excited at the prospect. He continued, and I am not making this up, "once you have a story like 'I had sex with a robot, and it was great!' appear someplace like Cosmo magazine, I'd expect many people to jump on the bandwagon." My reaction to this statement is that it's pretty obvious that people who have sex with robots have either cannot get laid whatsoever, have some sort of uncontrollable sex addiction, or both. I would doubt that people would readily admit to this behavior, but, like so many things in this mixed up world, I would be wrong. Meet "Zoltan," a 33 year-old man who works at an arcade, lives with his parents, and f*cks robots. No, his "relationship" doesn't stop with the banging, he's straight up in love with them and is supposedly married to one of them. I would go into the details but there's just way too much going on in there. I recommend you read the entire interview: these are the people we're up against

So what does this mean for you? Everything. Don't forget that robots are among us, and that people appear to experience loving relationships with them. For all you know, you could be in love with a bot and not even know it. Watch out for the warning signs (particularly mechanical genitalia, I cannot stress this enough). Also, make sure this isn't your girlfriend.

If you are experiencing technosexual thoughts, please contact us and we will send you a free pamphlet to assist your fight against this horrible affliction.

UPDATE: Robots will probably rape you BTW.