Billable Units

If you can't beat em, join em

2007-11-07T09:05:00.000+11:00

Bitch, I'm gonna snort u into retirement

And if any of you also lay awake at night wandering whether J-Cap will indeed un-impale herself out of retirement to retake the coke queen title off Martina, I spoke to her manager last night and he assures me she has no plans on climbing off her porn star boyfriend "Dirk DeBone" any time soon.

Yep, I have connections. I am so cool.

Big Cum Bucket

2007-10-28T21:27:00.000+11:00

After standing by Gretel Killeen for all these years, I am kinda glad she has been put out of her misery and dumped by Big Brother. This year she looked bored, frustrated and had clearly had enough of talking to morons with the personality of a sponge.

BUT

Channel 10 was it really necessary to replace her with a cum sponge?

I mean seriously, Jackie O. She is about the most universally hated, untalented joke in Australian entertainment, so I guess it is kinda fitting that she joins the team of Fitzy, Bree and Mike Goldman....

Australian Princess (circa series 1) was as good as Australia has ever done a reality show and that was IN SPITE of Crackie Ho botching her lines, looking generally awkward and waddling around like she was trying to figure out what had happened to her big red phone.

I guess it could have been worse, she could have been co-hosting with her male equivalent and my reigning Most Hated Australian Male - Jonny from the Nova evening show...but more on that later...

News of the World does it again

2007-10-15T10:26:00.000+10:00

The best thing about every Monday morning is getting to read another WAG story on News Of The World.

Nearly all articles are completely "bloggable" but this sentence from the story about sex-cheat William Defoe hit new heights for me:

"Furious Rachel has now spoken out about their four-month relationship, revealing the SKINFLINT side of the England star, their rampant sex romps—and how his manhood, which he nicknamed The Hulk, resembled a NEAPOLITAN ICE CREAM".

WTF??? Need further explanation?

"He used to have a nickname for his ‘thing'. He wasn't very modest and always called it ‘The Hulk'. It was quite distinctive because he has a strange skin pigmentation down there—which means it's the colours of Neapolitan ice cream."

So if at any stage this work week you are having a bit of a shit moment, please rememebr poor William with the Neapoliton cock.

Carry on.

Oh Johnny Fairplay

2007-10-09T22:25:00.001+10:00

Karma happens in such strange and beautiful ways, sometimes courtesy of Danny Bonaduce.

Idol Snippets

2007-10-07T22:30:00.001+10:00

Well wasn't Tarasai particularly CRAAAAZY tonight. I especially loved that she chose to apply her makeup with Smarties. The girl certainly channelled somethin somethin tonight in what was an obvious backhand to Kevin Andrews. Girlfriend can sing but I kinda feel like I need a safety word when I watch her.

"Pineapple"

Carl once again didn't disappoint with his ability to rape a song, yet manage to share the blame as we are left with a chicken or the egg dilemma with him and Michael Buble. He also remains incapable of wearing anything but a white shirt and fucking thin tie. OOOO i can't stand him.

I didn't think it possible that there could have been a worse Touchdown performance than Alf's last week, but Matt's complete misinterpretation of Bitter Sweet Symphony certainly pushed it. What the fuck was with his David Jones cardigan, ill fitting leather pants and plunging v neckline t-shirt??? (Note - the fastest way to ugly is to wear one of those t-shirts in my book - leave looking like a gay to the gays. Oh actually, combine the aforementioned t-shirt style with drinking at the Vineyard on Acland Street in St Kilda with massive sunglasses on a Sunday afternoon and you deserve to die.). Also, whilst i would prefer to bonk Kyle over Matt, clearly his biggest asset are his eyes, yet Bocelli opens his eyes more when he sings than Matt ever does - i just don't get it.

Australia's 2nd favourite blind Idol.

Natalie, oh my beloved Natalie...absolute car crash. I just wanted it to stop. A highly valued reader has been trying to convince me she is "very cruise ship" for quite some time, but I couldn't see it until tonight. Tonight, she was more Carols by Candlelight than Dennis Walter and it hurt me so.

"ah hello Carols is my only gig a year, can't u at least reference me?"

Shutup Silvie.

Ben is wearing a little thin isn't he? Sure he is good and oh so sweet but he sounds the same each week. Another subscriber to "if I slow down a song even more, i have interpreted it in my own style". The kid is only 17 and doing a phenomenal job but I'd like to see him shake it up a little and do a Courtney Act and perform in drag next week ~~as we all know he will be doing it at the Greyhound in a couple of years anyway.~~

Jacob's girlfriend proves that being on Idol allows you to bat WAY above your average. Jacob's fist pumping at the end of the song proves that he remains a knobjockey.

I am prone to over-exaggeration at times

Daniel (aka Alf) looked way more Greek than normal proving that he really is Ya Ya's ~~Sisterhood~~ Star. His open handed fist pumping is taking over from where the superfluous scarf in the land of superfluousnessness. I've already completely forgotten what he sang which is the problem with all his performances.

Marty - well i kinda like the bloke now that he no longer cares and you just know that Mark "misplaced arrogance" De Costa was sitting at home fuming that he remains in the competition ahead of him. Another fantastic cardigan from the work experience wardrobe assistant who also chose Marcia's moomoo.

Seeing that theme nights clearly mean absolutely nothing in this competition now that we know Carl is going to crucify a Buble version of something, Jacob is going to Rock Eisteddfod a BritPop and Corby will walk out with a guide dog, we came up with a BRILLIANT theme night for next week TV Commercial Jingles. Bacon Bacon Bacon...Victory Victory Victory...Call Call Carpet Call...ENDLESS POSSIBILITIES.

Gees i love this movie

2007-10-06T11:34:00.001+10:00

The most underrated and sadly underseen movie in Australian cinema.

Im off to work with the Tuvuluvus now.

Thanks for the Memories

2007-10-05T19:46:00.000+10:00

That is SIR Nathan to you.

Chipmunk gets married

2007-09-24T21:36:00.000+10:00

I'm a massive fan of an OTT wedding splurge in Woman's Day and Ricki-Lee Coulter certainly didn't let us down.

Did they get married at the local tip???

It seems it was quite the B-list event with such TV stars as David "i have run outta things to whinge about" Graham, Dan O'Connor (who I saw at the gym the other day walking around with badly tipped hair and shorts worn way too low) and even Marty Worrell (he who ruined the Karate Kid).

Ricki-Lee learnt her wrestling skills from Paulini.

BUT it appears that our favourite all Oz Girl Group since CDB were sooooo busy working hard for the money ~~at Capers~~ to make an appearance ~~which is kinda odd seeing as they appear at the opening of an envelope~~, or even RSVP ~~insert own joke about them sitting at home on rsvp.com here~~.

Just fucking ridiculous really.

We here at Billable Units are simply amazed that Ricki Lee had time to organise a wedding whilst gathering nuts for the winter.

This Week's News

2007-09-20T22:03:00.000+10:00

I don't know what it is about my tolerance levels at the moment but gees this week's news has shat me.

Firstly, to that STUPID woman who has decided to sue her doctor for allowing her to give birth to two PERFECTLY healthy and no doubt damn cute baby girls. This is just downright fucking psycho but it makes it oh so much worse that the media has not surprisingly latched onto the fact that she is a lesbian, rather than just a stupid bitch.

There are 101 reasons why this woman deserved to be aborted herself, but the damage that she has caused to the whole "IVF for everyone" debate that so many people have worked their fricken guts out for years has already been done. I suggest we just send ban her from RM Williams, golf and the Indigo Girls for ever. It makes absolutely no sense to me that she couldn't have foreseen this before she filed a document in Court that essentially says:
"I hate my kid so much that you should give me $400,000 + interest + costs".
Let's just add "egocentric" to "pathetic, ungrateful bitch".

I mean when the husband, myself and KTBIM attended a recent fundraiser for a lovely friend of ours (who just happened to be a lady-lover) with the theme Doctors & Nurses as backyard abortionists complete with freaky baby dolls skewered on coathangers we were at least fully aware that we were likely to have our testicles kicked in. Sure there were plenty of people who didn't quite dig our gag (we were in Northcote after all and 3 of only about 5 guys in the whole place) but then again our lucious lesbian friends thought it was kinda cool and tongue-in-cheek.

Secondly, is anyone else sick of this whole Pumpkin story?? I mean really, it has gone on a fair it hasn't it??? And whoever thought of the nickname "Pumpkin" clearly needs to have a good hard look at themselves. I'm not sure they even HAVE Pumpkins in China, so i can only imagine how hard it would be to explain that one in the Chinese Times or whatever the family business name was...

Sure it is a big enough story for it to maybe make front page once, but the connection to Australia is all a little tenuous for my liking to make it into the next Karmein Chan media frenzy.

Thirdly, who knew that Natalie Bassingthwaite went out with Gordon from Big Brother??? This has almost overshadowed his tragic death (well in MX which i consider to be my #1 source of information these days) and the fact that his "close friend" was actually quoted as saying that he was a "big personality and big in every way"...

Australia

2007-09-10T20:28:00.000+10:00

You are all fucking idiots.

How did this VERY talented girl get voted out and this embarrassing cocktard who scatted all over Waltzing Matilda get through???

I weep for the future.

Pros and Cons(tipation)

2007-09-03T13:11:00.001+10:00

So i am off work today with a major case of food poisoning.

That means I am:

a) bored shitless - well CLEARLY not literally

b) wearing black jocks - better safe than sorry

c) looking for someone to blame - 5 day old strawberry iced krispy kreme im looking at you

d) re-living my uni existence - Dr Phil, KAK, Oprah (see more below on that gold)

e) staring down the box of imodium in a battle of wills - might as well swallow concrete

f) all of the above.

Although there are certainly some bonuses to my current liquidity.

Today Oprah is featuring a COAST TO COAST GREY'S ANATOMY PARTY!!!! Complete with Gayle hosting a vat of screaming wet blondes in Seattle (who have asked 3 questions about Meredith and McDreamy's sex scene in the tub and whether McDreamy or McStramy eats better pussy) and some raving Jason Priestly wanna-be queen with a MASSIVE package (seriously, he must be wearing a cockring) hosting out of Chicago and well there is a group set-up in New York who Oprah seems to have forgotten about.

Well anyway, im praying beyond hope that Oprah asks Isiah Washington if he is OK with Gayle and her's "relationship", but nigger please we know that she aint gonna diss her brudda like that.

OOO now we have a Sarina Russo informercial gracing us instead of a commercial. Not that bitch is ssscccaaarrrryyyyy. "now we did really help you, didnt we?" says Sarina to some poor single mother/widow...

Ok now the palsy has me raving but one last thing is Chandra Wilson (aka Bailey) actually Jessica Mauboy in 15 years time????

Frappest

2007-07-31T23:08:00.000+10:00

There is something entirely weird about nicknaming a rapist the "Hot Chocolate Rapist" isn't there?

I mean it kinda takes away from the horrible crime and makes me feel almost warm and comforted inside - oh c'mon I'm not the only one who thinks that if a bloke offered me a free ride home and a hot chocolate...

As the incredibly hilarious husband said - "if only he had have used Frappes...."

I'd like to solve it please

2007-07-24T21:38:00.000+10:00

It appears that Adriana would now like to buy a bowel

A Phrase:

J _ S T F_ R T B _ T C H

"Life is like the Wheel of Fortune, but it does take different roads. The measure of a person once we are gone from this life or once we're not talked about, is what we've left in the hearts of others," she said.

I adore this quote and I challenge everyone to use it at least once a day, particularly if you are defending Lindsay Lohan on driving charges.

Worst. Ad. Ever

2007-07-23T23:54:00.000+10:00

I know that many of you will think poorly of me...but everytime I see that AAMI ad where the father and daughter drive around looking for cheap petrol, I pray that they crash and that obnoxious brat Annabelle hurtles through the windscreen.

To make things worse it appears that the reason my AAMI Car Insurance costs so bloody much is that they are paying for this abomination to be aired every commercial break. Surely the money could have been better spent on a decent advertising agency or a speech pathologist for the kid.

Piss off Annabelle and take your bloody "principle" with you.

How to make Monday's better

2007-05-21T10:40:00.000+10:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ceNf-11-ddI

twat of the week

2007-05-20T17:55:00.000+10:00

I knew it was more than just that he is from Adelaide, a Young Liberal and incredibly ugly...

5:38: Joel slips on a lemon shirt, turns his collar up, fixes his hair in the mirror and leaves the bedroom.

It's time to go....

Who Dear? Me Dear? No Dear

2007-05-01T12:50:00.000+10:00

The most enjoyable part of my morning...

In a conversation with the very adorable Jen from my place of employ...

I think i might be becoming a lesbian...i had a dream about Deborah Hutton last night...it had certain "undertones"...

What next? dreaming of what Margaret Fletcher does with a D'Borteli Riesling bottle? playing canasta with the Brand Power lady? having a swim-off with Petria Thomas?

Australia's Got Crisco

2007-05-01T10:33:00.000+10:00

Grant Denyer you dirty, dirty man.

I'm guessing that next season, young Australia's Got Talent winner Bonnie comes back to perform her encore...

Gangland Couture

2007-04-27T18:11:00.000+10:00

I just LOVE this journalistic brilliance from theage online this afternoon:

"Mrs Moran walked into court shortly before the hearing started, wearing a long black frock with the unmistakeable pleats of an Issey Miyake design. Don't you love how they used "frock" here!

Roberta Williams' apparent nemesis was dressed in a grey strapless pencil dress over a white long-sleeved shirt. She was wearing scarlet high-heels. "scarlet" - because she is a scarlet woman, don't you see the genius!!!

A slimline Williams sat quietly during the hearing, dressed in a navy suit, blue shirt and red tie. KD Lang anyone? no wait that's babyface Carl we are talking about now - damn

Roberta, dressed in jeans, a blue hoodie and a yellow beanie, blamed the altercation on the woman, saying it wouldn't have happened had she not gone near the Williams' daughter. Snoop Dog is in da crib after all

"Don't go near my daughter you trashy piece of f***ing carnage," she told the woman after the Court had been adjourned." "Carnage" = Gold. Naomi Robson couldn't have said it better if she tried

Things I have almost posted about recently

2007-04-27T17:29:00.000+10:00

but couldn't be bothered...

Ian Thorpe describing his coffee in the morning (where he has only the "sweetest part of the bean") as an "absolute delight" in the same article he discusses how completely and undeniably straight he is because he sees Angelina Jolie as a "temptress".

How brilliant this video is - Pearl for PM...bitch

How life cannot get much better when Collingwood pumps both Richmond and Essendon within 12 days....unless of course someone torches the Punt Road Oval grandstand...scum.

How Search for the Next Pussycat Doll is the best television show in history.

How much I love Rob and Amber.

That I still can't decide who was more of a twat on The Biggest Loser - anorexic Chris or weeping Marty. PS Damien will so win Aus Idol 07.

How upset I was that they took the free jumbo tampon samples off the www.itsmybody.com website before I had the chance to send them to all my friends - you know from that really annoying ad with the "vivacious" teenage girls sitting around vaginating each other

Whether me and the mighty Bill-dah are massive losers for spending 45mins deciding which 50% off Easter Eggs to buy for ourselves at Kmart Brunswick on Easter Monday...

My dinner with Vesna (thankyou Adem IAR for crossing one thing off my "to do before I die" list)

How cheap the Best of the V Festival organisers were for not spending $2.50 on a DJ or at least trotting out the ~~Young Divas~~ Rogue Traders to fill in the gaps between acts.

My new love for The Chaser ~~even though i'd like to punch Chas in the head~~

How Madonna has the very scary hands of a 90 year old.

Young Diver News

2007-03-27T10:15:00.000+10:00

Reading between the lines today, it is now clear that Anthony Callea will be replacing Ricki Lee in the Young Divas.

The Biggest Loser 'n' Things

2007-03-21T17:48:00.000+11:00

Memo to Kimberley, the new "Outsider" on The Biggest Loser:

Your breasts are meant to go IN your bra, sweetheart...

Are you my Flat Daddy?

2007-03-20T23:05:00.000+11:00

This has just been brought to my attention and I think it is all shades of wrong:

So basically, if your mommy or daddy is in Iraq fighting the baddies, you can trade them in for a life-size cardboard cutout for FREE!

I just love the possibilities - get daddy to take your flat mommy in for a breast augmentation.......ring Child Services cos flat daddy gave you a paper cut...take flat daddy to the doctor and say you are concerned he has an eating disorder...line flat daddy up at centre half forward for Richmond and improve their premiership chances...

"My flat daddy is in my room with me all the time" - it almost sounds like a Bindy Irwin quote doesn't it?

Colon Cleansing

2007-03-08T22:40:00.000+11:00

Many of you will be well-versed in the genius that is Scott, 2 Be Certain.

Recently, Mr 2BC has been somewhat obsessed with Catherine Tate and her multi-lingual skills, with Mrs 2BC even reporting nocturnal ~~emissions~~ chuckling over this.

This afternoon whilst swapping emails regarding ~~chaos theory in quantum physics~~ the possible similarities between Iva Majoli and Jelena Jankovic, Scott punctuated his argument with the following:

hurdy gurdy gurdy gurr; gurdy

DOES IT IMPRESS ANYONE ELSE THAT HE USES SEMI-COLONS SO ~~ANALLY RETENTIVELY~~ CORRECTLY???

Just one more reason to love the boy and feel incredibly intimidated by his grammatical brilliance.

Great Moments in Australian Cinema

2007-03-06T13:42:00.000+11:00

I don't know what it is about an Australian crime tele-movie but i find myself positively moist in anticipation.

Whilst we wait for "Joanne Lees - the Untold Story" (yes apparently they have located the one news agency that she didn't whore her story to...), I remind you of the genius of a blonde Georgie Parker:

"Middle Park???...

My parents have never even BEEN to Middle Park"