Sons of Sam Malone

Who knew?

2008-05-03T03:04:00.000-04:00

Is it weird that I thought Marvin Harrison was just a really tan white dude before yesterday?

Don't judge me and I won't be so harsh when I judge you.

Scooter Love - REMIX

2008-05-02T16:47:00.001-04:00

You can count a number of these over the next few days. Really, I'm going to do them until I stop laughing. I don't see that happening anytime soon.

Scooter Love

2008-05-02T16:22:00.001-04:00

A tribute to my freshman year roommate's self-photograhy skills and his penchant for cheesy R&B.

The Rocket: Total Douche or Total Player?

2008-04-28T21:46:00.003-04:00

A 28-year-old man, married with 2 children. Humping a 15-year-old future Country music star, who also happens to be kinda hot. Allegedly.

So. Is that so wrong?

Long Live Queen

2008-04-03T10:44:00.003-04:00

Wow, it seems almost as though I am in unfamiliar territory because it has been so long since I have been able to write something and put it up here. But, today THE DON makes his triumphant return, and he's a little different than the last time he was here. As, Smitty has already said, The Sons of Sam Malone are no longer just about sports. While I will continue to write about sports, it will not not be my only topic of discussion.

Today I come to you a little agitated. I read a story on Rolling Stone's website about the future of the classic rock band Queen. Queen plans to release an album of new material in September of this year. They do so featuring vocalist Paul Rogers who gained popularity with bands like Free and Bad Company; he also was in a short lived band called The Firm which also featured Jimmy Page. This Queen album will be the first one of new material since the 1995 release of Made In Heaven and the first album that will not feature legendary vocalist Freddie Mercury.

I was actually glad to hear this news. I, being a classic rock fan, love Queen and have done so for quite a while. I must admit that I was originally a little pessimistic a few years ago when Queen was to tour again with Paul Rogers, but upon hearing the live CD and watching the DVD, I had these feelings vanquished. I even came across a new found respect for Paul Rogers. See, it takes a massive set of balls to step up and try to sing the songs that one of the greatest singers of all time had sung.

My agitation did not kick in until I had begun to read the comments about the article. Almost every comment said something about how Freddie Mercury cannot be replaced, or how this is just a super group and shouldn't use the name Queen. I think that this is just ridiculous. First off Paul Rogers is not trying to "replace" Freddie Mercury. If you listen to the live CD or watch the DVD, he sings the songs in his own vocal style. That is why the band likes him as their new lead singer. He doesn't actually sound anything like Mercury. His vocal style obviously has a lot more of a bluesy sound to it. It is here that I must point something out that sounds very familiar to this same situation. In 1980 Bon Scott, the lead singer of AC/DC, died. All of the diehard AC/DC fans said that no one could replace him, but if I remember correctly, they did just that. They found Brian Johnson and went on to record Back In Black. Back In Black has been certified 22 times platinum in the U.S. alone and has sold 42 million copies worldwide making it the second best selling album of all time only behind Michael Jackson's Thriller.

The other thing that caused me to leave a pretty heated comment was that people say they shouldn't use the name Queen because this is isn't the same band without Freddie. To those people I ask, Is it Guns N' Roses without Slash? If it is I don't think that Axel Rose got the memo. Is it still AC/DC even though the Young brothers are the only original members? These are just a couple of examples, but you see where I'm going with this. There are two original members of Queen left, so if Brian May and Roger Taylor still want to call themselves Queen then I say that they have all the right in the world to do so.

I personally can't wait for the album and will be one of the first in line to purchase it. To the doubters, I say that you should wait and listen to the album before you pass judgment on it.

-THE DON

Aid Still Required | Kobe Speaks Out

2008-03-17T20:15:00.001-04:00

Why can't more athletes be like this?

I have a newfound respect for Kobe.

Save Darfur!

Short Story

2008-02-18T16:24:00.006-05:00

This is a short story I wrote for a creative writing quiz in my fiction class. It sucks. I know it. But, it's an easy way to get some content on the site. Keep in mind this was written with no prep work, a list of topic options given, and 30 minutes of brainstorming combined with writing time. Try to enjoy.

(The premise, as stated on the assignment sheet: A man who thinks he's far more attractive than women seem to think he is.)

---

The air had a bite of cold, enough to numb the faces of students making the slow, painful trek to class. Andy was no exception. His ears stung. His nose ran. His eyes watered. To the average passerby, Andy looked no different than any other student, freshly drug out of bed, eyes matted shut, the taste of beer still lingering on the tips of their tongues, a stale reminder of a not-so-long forgotten inebriation.

---

He walks in the cold to class with a confidence not displayed by many in the early hours of a winter morning. He stands tall. Just showered, cleanly shaved, with the fresh taste of Colgate sitting atop his taste buds -- he knows he looks good and so do the ladies. He's walking along with such an air of boastfulness about him that he fails to take notice of the girl barreling straight for him. She sits atop the seat of her bicycle, unaware of her surroundings, lost in the sweet sounds of the poppy cliche of her time blaring from those oh-so-white earbuds. They collide. "Andy!" she screams -- loud enough to arouse the class-skippers still asleep in their warm beds. "Oh, I'm sorry gorgeous," says Andy, with a wink and a smile. "You look awful," she tells him. "Your eyes and nose are watering like you turned on a faucet." "Yeah, you know it," he says with a chuckle of sarcasm.

Late for class, they both move on.

---

As Andy continues on, he contemplates to himself how long he should keep up this charade. "I mean, it's obvious Nikki can't get enough of me," he ponders aloud. "But really, who can blame her?" A couple of sorority girls scamper by like rabbits in their oversized furry boots. With a roll of their painted eyes, they giggle rather condescendingly and scurry on. "Maybe I should just stop acting so damn oblivious and just tell Nikki that her dreams are coming true," he thought -- this time to no one or nothing but his own arrogance. "It's time I stop playing the field. They all want me, but Nikki is different."

---

Freshly awoken by her collision just moments earlier, Nikki hurries on to class. Along the way she stumbles into her friend, Taylor. They exchange pleasantries in a high-pitched squeal not easily audible to dogs. "So, I just ran into Andy... The kid thinks he is God's gift to women," Nikki tells her high-pitched friend. Taylor laughs, "Who the hell does he think he is? He's not hot." "I know, but I kind of feel sorry for him. I mean, he's going through life so oblivious to the actuality of himself that he never realizes to lower his standards to a reasonable level for a guy like him," explained Nikki. "Ugh! There you go with that philosophy crap again," complained Taylor. "It's my major," retorted Nikki with eyes backed by injured feelings.

---

Sitting in math class, Andy makes the decision. It's going to be hard turning down all of the lustful ladies, but he's going to finally give in. It's time to give Nikki what she's so obviously wanted since the moment she laid eyes on him. "I'll ask her out after this class," he thinks, again outloud. Every head in the room turns to stare. He pays no attention. What does he care? He's Andy DeHart, and he looks good.

---

"God, this philosophy class is so boring. Why am I majoring in this again? All I've learned is that Kierkegaard wants me dead. I wonder why Andy called me gorgeous. Surely he doesn't like me. Oh God, I hope not. Well, if so, I guess I'll have the chance to give that ego of his a wakeup call... Who is saying my name?" Lost in a daze, Nikki fails to realize she's being called upon to answer a question. "Now Kierkegaard really hates me."

---

Andy sees Nikki from a distance and runs up to meet her. "Nikki, I've decided to suck it up and do something that will make us both happy," he says out of breath, a sense of satisfaction for this sacrifice he's making. Shocked, she laughs. "Here we go."

THE END

Going to Uganda

2008-02-18T10:52:00.002-05:00

Just some quick information:

I'm planning on spending a month in Uganda (May 15-June15), and I need your help. I will working with an NGO within a village in the Mukono District (20km from Kampala, the nation's capital). I've estimated the cost of the trip to be between $2,700 and $3,000, so I'm going to have to raise as much money as possible. I won't bore you with anymore details here in case you don't care. BUT, if you want to know more or can help in anyway (financially, well-wishes, linking to the site), you can find out more at going2uganda.blogspot.com.

Thanks!

Smitty (Dustyn)

Yes, We Can!

2008-02-11T10:38:00.001-05:00

I'm not going to waste anyone's time giving an explanation for a video of this magnitude. It would be done solely in vain, and really, this video ~~speaks~~ screams for itself.

Barack the vote people.

The Diamond Vols' season is just around the corner

2008-02-05T21:31:00.000-05:00

This is the first article I wrote for the Tennessee Journalist, the University of Tennessee's news website. As of posting time, it still hasn't been put up on the site. You can check the Tennessee Journalist out at TNJN.com

The wait is almost over for Volunteer baseball fans. Kicking off against Morehead State on Friday, February 22 at 3 p.m., the Diamond Vols look to start off strong with a win on their home field.

With only three seniors and a new skipper in Todd Raleigh, the Vols aren’t expected to sit atop the SEC, but newcomer Todd Barnett thinks that the team has what it takes to win the conference.

“We aren’t picked to be at the top of the SEC at all, but we definitely have the
pieces to win an SEC championship,” Barnett, a sophomore pitcher, said.

Tennessee will be tested early when they travel to Houston on February 29 to play in the Minute Maid College Classic. Only five games into the season, the Vols will face a challenge in Texas when they face three Big 12 opponents, including the 16 ranked Texas Longhorns according to the Baseball America preseason poll.

While the tournament will prove to be a true test early on, Barnett feels that two or three wins would be a solid boost for the team going forward with the rest of the 2008 campaign.

“We are facing a big test in Houston,” Barnett stated. “If we can get out of there with two or three wins, that will give us a lot of momentum and confidence for the rest of the season.”

Southeastern Conference play is set to begin Friday, March 14 when the Tigers of Louisiana State University roll into Knoxville for a three game set. More information on scheduling, roster information and team news can be found at the UT Sports webpage.

Barnett is ready to get on with the season and see the results of all the team’s hard work.

“We have worked really hard this off-season,” he said. “It’ll be fun to see
it pay off hopefully.”

I'll Have Something Soon

2008-01-27T12:25:00.000-05:00

I haven't forgotten about you. It's just that, simply put, my time is valuable. I will be back, and soon. So un-wad your women's undergarments and prepare yourself. You best be ready.

-Smitty

"The Future of Fight Sport Journalism(TM)" Live Blogs The Mayweather/Hatton Fight

2007-12-08T20:26:00.001-05:00

TONIGHT!

at Epic Carnival.

Beginning at 9 EST.

Go there now .

It should be fun.

As Seen at the Carnival

2007-12-08T20:14:00.000-05:00

THE BEER TENT: BOUNCING AROUND FOR THE HOLIDAYS

This week I touch on multiple stories from the week that was. Included: LSU owes Erik Ainge something, Jason Whitlock is awesome, the Nationals hate to be wholesome, the Tigers add a fatty plus a pitcher, I challenge you to beat me, Samari Rolle is a boy, Travis Henry gets to come out and play, and Darfur needs your help. Head on over to Epic Carnival to read on.

-Smitty

Taylor's Murderers Charged This Afternoon

2007-12-01T15:29:00.000-05:00

Four punk-ass kids were charged with unpremeditated murder in the slaying of Washington Redskins safety Sean Taylor Saturday afternoon. Apparently, police came to the conclusion that the shooting death was unplanned and arose out of a burglary at Taylor's home. The worthless pieces of crap were also charged with armed burglary and home invasion with a firearm.

Among the charged are 18-year-old Charles Wardlow, 17-year-old Eric Rivera, 19-year-old Jason Mitchell and 20-year-old Venjah Hunte. Some of them -- thought it is not known who -- confessed, according to two of their lawyers. All but Mitchell, who has yet to appear in court, were denied bond during a short-lived court appearance via video conference in Fort Myers, Florida.

Miami-Dade County police Director Robert Parker claims the men entered Taylor's home under the impression that it was unoccupied. Since he was home rehabbing a knee injury, Taylor surprised the men and he was shot. It seems to me that if a person were to bring a gun into someone else's home, they most likely have the intention of shooting someone. However, I don't go around robbing people at gunpoint, so I guess I know nothing on the topic.

Rivera (or $MR.FLORIDA$) has one of the most ridiculously gangstah MySpace pages ever -- which consequently is listed as private since yesterday -- wall-papered with stacks of money, and highlighted by a photograph of himself lying in a bed of $100 bills, fanning a wad of cash in his face. "Countin' money" is listed as a favorite interest. What a douche.

-Sooze

But Wait...There's more!

Ole Miss Busts a Nutt
Bonds Awaits the Long Dick of the Law
Hero Schmero

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As Seen at the Carnival

2007-11-29T16:11:00.000-05:00

THE BEER TENT: 'TIS THE SEASON FOR TROUBLE

With Ole Miss' signing of Houston Nutt, I felt it was time to call out teams for completely lacking in ethics. Included in the rant: Ole Miss, Indiana, and the Miami Dolphins. Oh, and of course I had to at least throw Bama's name in there. Read more at Epic Carnival.

-Smitty

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As Seen at the Carnival

2007-11-24T15:53:00.000-05:00

THE BEER TENT: JUICE-STICE IS SERVED

Finally, Barry Bonds must deal with the long dick of the law. It's been a long time coming, but I'm really relieved that I was able to see the day. In a perfect world, he'd be spending the next thirty years showering with Tulip, the 450 pound water buffalo of a man that thinks Mr. Bonds has a pretty mouth. But this world's far from perfect, and old Baroid will more than likely not see the inside of a cell. You can read more at Epic Carnival.

-Smitty

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A-Rod = Sacrificial Lamb? Hardly.

2007-11-16T15:28:00.000-05:00

What does it take to be a hero? A lot of factors go into deeming one a hero, but an attribute that seems ever-present when talking of heroism is self-sacrifice. Firefighters and the 5-0 put their life on the line on a daily basis. The American GI is willing to fight and die for the freedom of his country. Humanitarians sacrifice the cushy life for the slums of the third world. And now, you can count Alex Rodriguez among these fine individuals

You see, A-Rod is making a great personal sacrifice to come back and don a Yankees jersey to the tune of $275 million. It wasn't easy settling for over a quarter of a billion dollars, but Mr. Rodriguez is that devoted to the pinstriped empire. Alex Rodriguez cares that much about the Steinbrenners, Brian Cashman, the entire Yankee organization, and the New York fans. A-Rod is willing to sacrifice income in order to stay loyal to the classiest franchise in baseball.

Wait. What?

Yes, that's correct. Alex is sacrificing the big bucks to play for the Yankees -- at least according to Hank Steinbrenner. Stated Hank,

"There are a few cynics who say, Well, he really couldn't get this there. Trust me, he would have gotten probably more. He is making a sacrifice to be a Yankee, there's no question. ... He showed what was really in his heart and what he really wanted."

So let's get this straight -- Alex Rodriguez could have pocketed more change to spend on manly hookers and purple lipstick if he had signed somewhere else? Isn't the 275 mil. a record setting contract? Record setting as in the the biggest contract in the history of the game of baseball?

Now, I'll humor ole Hank for just a moment. Let's just say, for argument's sake, that the Dodgers offered Rodriguez $300 million for ten years -- does it matter? Really, what is $25 million out 300?

You see, that's the problem with the modern sports scene. We're paying our athletes so much money that it gets to the point where it doesn't even matter anymore. Once you get past that point, money really is no longer an object. And if it is -- then you're dealing with nothing more than a greedy bastard.

$275,000,000 to play baseball. Am I the only one that sees something deeply flawed in this fact? Teachers get paid at least $200 million short of that mark. Doctors, lawyers, po-po, fire fighters, EMTs, service men and women, and even the President of the United States get paid over one-hundred million dollars less than Alex Rodriguez. While A-Rod is out philandering and swinging a wooden bat, all of these people are performing jobs that actually matter.

Do I enjoy baseball? Of course. Do I like baseball? You bet. Do I love baseball? Hells yeah! But something makes me think that the Marine fighting for my freedom just might deserve a little more compensation for his duties than Alex Rodriguez, or any other athlete, for the occasional entertainment.

But huge props, fist pounds, and man hugs go out to Alex for his heroism. I think I speak for sports fans everywhere when I say, we admire your selflessness and we salute you. Now go out there and get to slugging. The world needs saving.

-Smitty

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As Seen at the Carnival

2007-11-09T17:16:00.000-05:00

WHY YOUR TEAM WON'T WIN THE SEC: THE SEC (OTHER THAN TENNESSEE)

I run down each SEC team to try an explain to their respective fans why their team won't win the SEC. Simple fact is that there can be only one winner, and that's Tennessee. So, no dice! Read more at Epic Carnival.

-Smitty

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As Seen at the Carnival

2007-11-08T21:30:00.001-05:00

NATALIE GULBIS HAS NO PROBLEM WITH BEING HOT

Natalie Gulbis wants everyone to know that the rumors of her adding a spoonful of wholesome to her image are completely false. I say, Thank. God. Read more at Epic Carnival.

-Smitty

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Shula Enjoys Being Lonely at the Top

2007-11-06T23:58:00.000-05:00

It's not cheating until you get caught -- too bad for the Patriots, they did. New England was caught doing something everyone does, and they paid the price for their sins -- $750,000 in total fines and the loss of a first round draft pick. Sounds sufficient, right? Not according to Don Shula.

The coaching legend told the New York Daily News that the Patriots' season will be tarnished by "Spygate," and he went on further to suggest that if New England goes 19-0 their record should be accompanied by an asterisk; just like everyone's favorite melon headed "slugger". Said Shula,

"I guess you got the same thing as putting an asterisk by Barry Bonds' home run record. "I guess it will be noted that the Patriots were fined and a No. 1 draft choice was taken away during that year of accomplishment. The sad thing is Tom Brady looks so good, it doesn't look like he needs any help."

Apparently, Don Shula likes it just fine alone at the top. Hell, if the Pats finish up without defeat what will happen to the Phins annual bubbly party? Will it suffer the same fate that wins in Miami seem to have fallen victim to? Or will the suggested asterisk be enough to celebrate being the only "wholesome" undefeated team in history?

I can't hate on Shula too much, though. After all, he did bash Nick Saban, and no self-respecting human likes that guy.

One can only hope that the NFL doesn't take the advice of one of it's legends. But if they do, I'm sure a certain baseball player will be be there to teach the Pats the ways of boycotting and whining.

-Smitty

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As Seen at the Carnival

2007-11-05T16:37:00.000-05:00

Well, the day and time has been decided for my new feature over at Epic Carnival, and with those decisions comes the first scheduled installment of The Beer Tent. You can expect to find the column every Monday at around 2 Eastern. So be sure to check it out. With that, here's a preview of this weeks TBT.

THE BEER TENT: IS THERE REALLY PARITY IN THE SEC?

The SEC is thought nationally to be the best conference in college football, but with losses piling up by the truckloads, fans and "experts" alike attribute the SEC's down year to parity. Is it parity? Or rather parody? Read more at Epic Carnival.

-Smitty

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As Seen at the Carnival

2007-11-04T00:34:00.000-04:00

For those of you who give a damn (in the zero to none range), I'm starting up a weekly column over at Epic Carnival. The first installment went up on Friday, but you can look for it every Monday at ??:?? -- I'll get back to you on the time. As for Sons of Sam Malone, I'm not really sure on where it's going to go. Could it slip into oblivion? Possibly. Could it begin to thrive once again? There's a chance. Honestly, I really don't know. With all that being said let's get on with the purpose of this post: Previewing/Linking to the column.

THE BEER TENT: LET'S FORGET ABOUT BARRY FOR AWHILE

Barry Bond's is back at it again. This time he's spouting off about boycotting the Hall of Fame if they accept the number 756 ball with an asterisk plastered on. Really, what is it going to take to let this whole Barry Bonds home run record thing go? Can we get some peace? No one cares aside from the cheater's family, and I'm not too sure they're not tired of the whole debacle. Read the rest at Epic Carnival.

-Smitty

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Holy Crap

2007-11-03T12:10:00.000-04:00

First of all, let me say that I don't run unless I'm being chased by the cops. Seriously. So, I'll never understand the fascination with running at high speeds for a medal.

On that note, a sad story comes out of NYC this morning, as U.S. Olympic hopeful Ryan Shay died after he collapsed during a marathon trial in the Big Apple Saturday.

The 28-year-old Michigan native, a 2002 All-American graduate of Notre Dame and 2003 U.S. marathon champion, was married July 7th to two-time NCAA champion and collegiate 10k-meter record-holder Alicia Craig, who he met in 2005 at the New York City marathon.

My point here is that running can kill you. So don't do it.

-Sooze

But wait...There's more!

Oh, that Bill Simmons.
Oh, those Bostonian criminals.
Oh, that Keyshawn Johnson.

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I Couldn't Have Said It Better

2007-10-30T00:13:00.000-04:00

Well, I was planning on jotting down my thoughts on the Sox winning World Series, and then decided to mosey on over to ESPN to see what Simmons had to say on the matter. After reading TSG's take, I am reminded why I love his work. People may complain--the jokes are recycled, the pop culture is old, the writing is stale--and all of these are valid points. But from time to time, Bill Simmons cranks out a beauty, and today my friends, was one of those times. So instead of babbling on about how the Red Sox made my year, I'm just going to leave you with this: Go read what The Sports Guy has to say. You won't be disappointed.

-Smitty

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TIME TO RIOT! Red Sox, 2007 World Series Champs!!!

2007-10-29T00:08:00.000-04:00

Now is not the time to write, but you can be sure there will be something here tomorrow...Time to take it in.

-Smitty

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