Life's Peachy Keen

old habits/cravings reappear

2009-11-11T13:15:00.002-06:00

so i don't always consider myself an addict... just when its convenient and i'm drowning under something. i am trying to fight off urges to request another prescription for anxiety so i can sleep better. tried to find this one guy i used to get diet pills from - i really want them. i need them, but will have to go elsewhere to get them. no they are not illegal but i got them from him via e-bay (usually/most of the time cheaper than elsewhere).
so i'm getting this yearning to start taking them again - imagine being off of all non-prescription/ and abusing prescription drugs for a month and now i'm about to break down (though the diet pills have been longer).
the cutting or rather lack there of is going great cause it's non existant. i dont even care about drinking for that matter. its just the damn pills...my magic little helpers to take me to places i didn't know existed in this exhausted life of mine. dull and borning - maybe if i had the pills i would have to take a nap when i got home and could actually get some exercise.
oh well... have to get back to work

New warning

2009-11-10T12:56:00.003-06:00

so i took v to the doctor cause he wasn't feeling well, sore throat and a headache and then all the sudden a weird rash. dr assumes it's a viral infection but since he is not running a temp nor does he have a red throat she is sending him back to school. she said to get him some benadryl and aveno. well benadryl has a new label - couldn't take a photo cause i wasn't that talented so i snagged this one... they literally say "DO NOT USE to make a child sleepy". as V pointed out or your mother sleepy as he called me a drug addict for me wanting to taste the grape melt aways. they are nasty and i would recommend the spoon serving.

awwwee

2009-11-09T12:20:00.001-06:00

sometimes i wonder if i'm parenting correctly... but when i was having a discussion with v last night about his g-friends and inquired about one's race, he said it doesn't matter. i told him i know but she had a wonky last name and was curious... and he said he doesn't discriminate. he likes chocolate and vanilla... and all flavors of the rainbow.

i told him i was proud his love sees no colour. i had to define that remark but he agreed.

things

2009-11-08T12:20:00.001-06:00

The last, third, Friday 13th , for this year, is this week. Well I have to get a root canal. A filling came out and it was apparently a big filling and there is no other option. Friday I broke down and said to pull it, but when I went in another dentist, the one that owns the practice, said nope - your teeth and gums are health there is no reason to lose it so we’re going to do the canal again. If it doesn’t bother me and all is well then we saved it, if not then at least we really tried. So I got my teeth cleaned and went about my merry way. I got a dermal clavicle anchor - it’s so dainty, innocent with a touch of naughtiness. So now I’m getting ready to work to make up my time… oops. Oh well.
On another note, V and I, well V doesn’t have as much will power as I do, are on a “diet”. Not necessarily a diet per se, but we looked on line to determine what a serving really is, and are basically measuring out our food into serving sizes. I was surprised to find out a serving of meat is 2-3 oz. I thought it was 6-8 oz. Not drinking sodas, eating candy or snacking. Well, snacking consists of fruits and not some unhealthy. Making freshly squeezed juice and not store bought. It may seem a little extreme, but it’s not based on counting calories but actual serving sizes. Anyways, V and I have to sit down and figure out an exercising schedule, especially since I’m fatigued in the evenings.
Well I’m going to work..
Oh one last thing - I did accomplish my cleaning goals for this weekend... the bathroom and the kitchen. Now just my paperwork/desk and the boxes... we'll see since I need to study. Falling behind on that goal.

i could piss and moan but i'm not...

2009-11-05T17:31:00.002-06:00

The the soldiers at Fort Hood, Texas and their families, may you find peace in the chaos that has occurred today. Whether home or abroad, they served our country and will never be forgotten.

sleepy head

2009-11-05T09:26:00.001-06:00

not sure what the hell happened last night but i got home, ate a sandwich and then laid down for a would be nap...well the nap turned into 11 hours of sleep. i didn't take any pills or anything, just freaking slept. though today i feel a little worse and am having a hard time waking up all the way.

my stupid tongue is cut on one side cause i had a filling that fell out last week and the tooth has basically aggrevated my tongue. it's swollen and its hard to talk. i want something cold to suck on but it hurts my tooth - i hate this shit. oh well, going to the dentist today. it's a new one and i hope they don't make me get a freaking note from my cardiologist about my stupid heart murmur crap - i might not even write that down. i don't need meds before surgeries - and i've had plenty lately so i sure as hell don't need meds before going to the dentist.

so i'm going to try to start back on taking my iron today but the minute my side starts to hurt i'm stopping.

my mood overal has been doing much better - stable and sane. now just for the energy.

weekend

2009-11-01T18:47:00.001-06:00

Another month passes and I feel as if I haven’t accomplished anything. Oh wait I haven’t. I haven’t met a guy… I haven’t saved enough for a house… I haven’t paid off the rest of my bills…. I haven’t obtained my degree….
I am back in the cleaning mode. We took everything out of the hall and bedroom closet and then I moved what I could of my things into the hall closets. Re-did V’s closet and moved his clothes too. At least now I can get some of his camping things in his closet. Next weekend I’m cleaning out the kitchen cabinets. This week I’m going to work on our bathroom drawers. I have so much crap we don’t use or are just completely unorganized and it’s a pain to get to.
If there is one thing I want to accomplish this year - besides my degree - which I will get.. Is to get rid of things in my apartment that I don’t need. I’m going to be hanging to the last day of the year getting that one accomplished. I will need to go back through my NY Resolutions or whatever I wrote and see what I did and didn’t do… yeah it’ll depress me if I didn’t accomplish everything - especially if the reason it wasn’t accomplished is laziness.
Not much else going on..
oh yeah - the symphony on friday night was excellent. i need a honey to go there with.

update and ramblings

2009-10-29T04:58:00.003-05:00

So i am doing better with out the iron.. in the sense of the pain under my rib. As far as my energy level - naps are starting to become a daily habit. I'll start taking iron again since I'm doing better. I'm to the point though that it just doesn't matter. I'm sane and that helps but as far as anything else i just don't care anymore. i'm tired of going to the doctor, even though i like him and he is a great doctor, i hate having to wait for tests and doing different things. my neighbor came in yesterday and said she thinks its cause i eat processed food. and in actuality ever since i found out about my iron levels being low v and i have been eating at home and have been eating rather well. yeah i dont eat a lot of food but i do eat healthy when i do eat. so it's not the food. i made sure all my meals have at least two iron enriched foods with it.
i forgot i have a komen event on saturday from 2-6..this will be interesting since that is usually when i get tired. i was thinking about inquiring about switching to an earlier time but i'll just let it be.
i'm concerned my neighbor doesn't understand how unsocialable i can be. it comes and goes but for the most part during the week i am unsocialable. i like to come home and chill get away from people and do my own thing. i know she checks on me and i appreciate the gesture but for the most part i'm a hermit. when v wasn't here the first thing i did when i got home was shower, then read or do homework and veg all night. i'd crawl into bed about 8 set the sleep timer and then fall asleep whenever. if i was really tired when i got home i'd lay down to take a nap. i get up about 4.30 and put in at least a 9.5 - 10 hour day at work. i'm exhausted when i get home. now i have v and he exhausts me as i try to make sure he follows through with all of his responsibilities. he's been a handful lately - kicking a hole in the wall. i already told him his allowance from his report card is going to me fixing it. i've seen it done 100 times so it shouldn't be too hard. i'm just trying to decide if it would be easier to fix the whole sheet or ust that portion. either way, since it's a small wall, as far as width, i am going to have to do it from one corner to the other so that i can hang it on a stud and put it under the metal/plastic corner strips. i do need to put a work order in for v's room - by one of the windows the wall and trim on the bottom looks like it's water damaged. i need them to fix some of the tile in the bathroom by the faucet... short story but it needs to be fixed (semi- my fault)
well i'm going to finish my coffee and then go to work. i have two meetings to get ready for - one is for my boss since he is out of the office and the other is in our office.

Error 505 - what the hell is goin' on

2009-10-24T16:06:00.000-05:00

The never ending saga. So an update from the iron thing… a day after I began taking iron I started to get this pain under my right rib. The intensity came and went. I went to the doctor last Friday - sinus infection.. And mentioned the pain to him. We agreed it was probably the medicine upsetting my stomach since my stomach in general was tender. By Thursday of this week the pain was so intense I actually decided to go to the ER. I hate going there but I couldn’t get in to see my doctor and figured there was something serious. I was weak and fatigued and had been sleeping a lot over the last week. The ER doctor basically said it was the iron and to stop taking it, it was upsetting my GI tract, specifically my large intestine. And the fatigue - mono. Friday morning I went into the doctor and he said shingles, though he gave me some antacid just in case my stomach is reacting to the iron, and we did an ultrasound on my liver. Everything appears fine and he’s sticking to the shingles theory. He did tell me to document when it flares, what upsets it, etc… So I did just that today. Not hungry for the most part, when I eat the pain comes back. My energy level is back - though he agrees the energy is the anemia and not mono. The main is subsiding, but today it seemed to be traveling - but it’s doing better than the last three days or so. I took some medicine for shingles and about 15 minutes later I was hugging the toilet throwing up. I thought eating a bagel with a butt load of cream cheese would be good enough - apparently not. So I called the pharmacy to see if I could take it again later with more food on my stomach - nope, I have to wait till tomorrow. I’ll try it again tomorrow. I still have a doctor appt Monday afternoon, I’ll go in for a follow-up and continue tracking when the pain is worse, etc… Since all tests are indicating nothing major I guess I will just relax, it’s just the pain reminds me of when my ovarian cysts would burst. But not only is it not in the wrong location, but I don’t have ovaries, and no gallbladder. Apparently however you can still get stones in the duct to your liver where your gallbladder attached too. They checked that as well.
I’m just a freak. A few friends have agreed that I have been under a great deal of stress lately so shingles makes sense. Who the hell knows.
I’m thinking of going into work tomorrow to get things done since I have missed too much and really need to catch up. It’s easier to do when no one is there. Most of what I need to do is sort the filing and if I can get that done tomorrow I’ll have accomplished a lot. The rest I can work on this week, working a little later and through lunch.
V is doing somewhat better. We wrote up rules for the house which is a good thing. I am a little upset and hurt that he doesn’t want to have one of his girlfriends come over cause she apparently lives in a fancy smancy house and we live in a one bedroom and I live in a converted room. To some extent I am pretty content with how we live. The place is clean, it’s nice and homely. I wish it was bigger, but would rather save for a house than spend the money on a two bedroom. Anyways I wish he wasn’t that way. He’s afraid of admitting who he is and how he lives cause he is already being made fun of at school. I was too but I still had friends over. He doesn’t mind that the kids in the apartment complex come over and see how we live, but he doesn’t want his friends with a house to come over. And the odd thing is, he wouldn’t even want them over to E’s house - which is nice and simple. V said we’re all weird and odd and that is okay but apparently it’s not. I told him he didn’t need to be ashamed of how he lives or what he likes - basically for being himself. He shouldn’t change in fear of what others think. I wish I could give him more, though no matter where we live, my style isn’t going to change.
I did have to admit to one of the guys at work that I have two personalities so to speak. I know I’ve mentioned it before, but I’ve been coloring my bangs different colors. I wish I could do most of my hair. The thing is I’m in this playful mood. I’m tired of being serious. The one that likes to joke and have fun is Lucien aka Lucie. Very retro/vintage, daring, impulsive, carefree. Jessika is the one that is serious - the business lady. Though she has a fun side too she has to remain logical. I know it’s weird.
Well I’m going to eat a salad and try to keep it down.

stupid urgh

2009-10-18T19:28:00.000-05:00

Well he thinks part of the problem with my red blood cells is the bleeding out from cutting. The iron though is another issue. He went ahead and put me on iron pills. I go back in three months and get more blood work. I argued with V tonight. He threw a temper tantrum because he accidentally messed up his homework and had to start over. Part of it was my fault cause I left the counter wet…but he was informed all homework needs to stay in his room. He started kicking things, throwing things, and hitting things. I’ve had it. I looked all over for a blade I know I have/had but couldn’t find it. I wanted to cut so bad. Obviously I didn’t. But right now, at this moment, I don’t care that I am anemic. Why the fuck should I take care of myself when it doesn’t matter? It’s too late to take a handful of any pills - I have a meeting first thing in the morning and need to get there early to get everything together.
He’s pissing and moaning and now starting to clean his room instead of doing his homework. I don’t mind if he cleans but for crying out loud homework first! I’m going to try to go to sleep before I do something stupid.

hmmm...distressing and anxious

2009-10-12T20:18:00.000-05:00

Note from Doctor…
J, you are much more anemic than the last time I saw you last month and you are definitely iron deficient, we need to discuss and find out why. please make an appointment soon. need to find out if you are bleeding in your GI tract or if there is something wrong with your blood itself. SF
My Red Blood Cell count is 3.63 Million/uL. Hemoglobin is 9.6 g/dL. Hematocrit is 29.6%. MCH is 26.4 pg. RDW is 15.8%. Ferritin is 7 ng/mL. Iron, Total is 28 mcg/dL. Iron Binding capacity is 468 mcg/dl. And last but not least % of Saturation is 6%. What do those numbers mean? Definitely iron deficient anemia. The cause? Not sure. I will have to wait till we sit down and talk about things. Obviously I’m going to have to tell him about the cutting and that anemia does run in my family both sides. But as of yet, all of this is totally freaking me out. Of course my main fear is it’s in my bone marrow - since that is where red blood cells are made, or liver. Of those two choices I don’t want either. I am actually going to have to talk ½ of an anti-anxiety pill tonight cause there is no way I’m going to sleep.
On a better note, I’ve been taking my meds like I’m supposed to, since we upped the dose. I’m doing better and not thinking about hurting myself. Definitely an easier way to live. A better peace of mind. Just wish I didn’t have to medicate in order to survive. I did think of a tat I want on my neck “ Forever Surviving” in latin though. Basically to me it means, I’m surviving myself, surviving cancer, surviving life - everyday is a new day that I have or will have survived. I think that would be the best saying. I also want dermal anchors around my clavicle but I need to 1 - save money 2 - make sure that any health problems I am having now will not interfere with those. They are so sexy hot and delicious.
I’ll give an update tomorrow from my doctor. I don’t think I can handle bad news. I KNOW I can’t handle bad news.

update 2

2009-10-05T18:52:00.001-05:00

Went to the psychiatrist today, we looked at my lithium levels and yeah they were too low - which explains a lot. About the time that I started to loose it was the time we knocked it down. Then I was starting mania and I didn’t want to take my meds cause I thought I was okay. Well obviously it went downhill from there. So the lesson learned, though it took almost a year, make sure you get regular lithium levels, no matter what but especially if you adjust it in any form. So I need to get my levels checked in two weeks to make sure they are back up. I’m back on my lexapro - and though there is that downfall of delayed orgasm and at times none - it’s worth the sanity it provides me.
On another note.. Self injury. I’ve stopped with the blades, found another less threatening and something I’ve always to some extent enjoyed - self abuse. Like there are times when I get so angry I hit myself.. The funny thing is I cannot manage to get that image of someone saying “stop hitting yourself” as they take your hand and make you hit yourself. It just feels good. I need a master. I need someone willing to whip me or beat me as needed but not one that will take advantage of any situation. Maybe that is where my fascination with S&M comes into play. Though as someone who enjoys the ability to be in control of the pain inflicted, I think I would find it rather difficult to allow someone to take control. In fantasy’s in my head, in my pulp I love it. I would have to trust the person beyond anything imaginable. And as far as inflicting pain upon someone else, I can’t do that to another human. I hate to see someone hurt. I hate to know that I could hurt someone. And the thing is I know that if I were allowed to inflict pain, depending on the circumstances and my anger or needing to control things at the time, I might not be able to stop. I wouldn’t want to be responsible for that or those kinds of injuries.
I had to today. I was pissed beyond belief, it wasn’t one thing it was a multitude of things but the one that threw me over shouldn’t have. I anxiously await to see how much damage I did. It’s a good thing it’s getting cold soon and I’ll be wearing pants more often. Speaking of - I need to get some more, mine don’t fit. That is a good thing.
Well that is all. I have to write a friend and try to explain feelings that are unexplainable.
One last thing - the one thing I wanted to tell my friend and didn’t to… it’s sad when you go in to get your blood drawn and they have a hard time finding a vein vein - not the artery vein. I had to get blood drawn on the veins on the side of my thumb. OUCH!

post 501 - with updates

2009-10-04T21:02:00.000-05:00

It’s been a while but let me update you.
1st - I did cut. I hit my normal spot, though apparently went a little further in or something cause I couldn’t get it to stop. I called a friend and asked her to come over as I was light headed and couldn’t stop the bleeding. I was able to stop the bleeding but got it all over the place - the bathroom (tub mostly) was a mess, I had it on my legs, on my shirt. My neighbor checked to see if I had miscarried or cut myself somewhere else with the amount of blood. She had forgotten I had a hysterectomy so there was no chance of a miscarriage. We called 911 but just to make sure I didn’t need a transfusion or anything. I ended up asking for help via a counselor of some sort. One group - psyche ward said I needed to be committed. I completely disagreed and said I wanted a second opinion and if all else fails then yeah I’ll have it court ordered that I be committed. By the time the second set came, which they were nicer and more understanding, they released me to my neighbor and we made an appointment to go in the following morning.
The whole experience basically came down to me realizing I need help. More than meds. I also came to the conclusion my meds needed to be adjusted and I waited to long. Hoping they’d kick in so to speak. Instead of asking for help sooner, I tried to take care of it on my own via self medicating - pills and alcohol. Sad.
2nd - I am currently seeing a counselor who deals with self-injury and I like her a lot. It’s easy to talk to her without feeling judged. I find my visits like light bulbs in my head going off. I start telling her about a mood or she asks a questions and she lets me realize why I do things. She doesn’t guide me to an answer that seems normal but the answer that can be the worst of all conclusions. The lowest of low. I need someone who doesn’t give me the answer but helps me understand. And learn better techniques to cope.
3rd - I just got my lithium test results back from the doctor and they are half of what they were two years ago, which explains why my normal combination of meds wasn’t working like they did. I go back to the psychiatrist tomorrow and will take those results back. I want to get back on my lexapro and lithium combo. I don’t like luvox.
4th - I just found out several of my blood count things are out of whack. All pointing to anemia, but not sure what is causing it. So my doctor left me a note and I have to go in and draw some more blood to see if they can narrow it down. Sadly (and causing some anxiety) these blood counts are worse now than they were one month out of chemo. Not a good thing. Though, I’ve been anemic before - when I was pregnant and of course during chemo - but it explains a lot, especially the fatigue and I didn’t realize it but it can cause depression. Since I don’t have a reason to be depressed, that would make sense.
5th - I did my budget the other day and realized I should have a butt load more money left over every month, even with V, that I do. So I told V we’re going to stick to the budget - nothing else. I want a house and I can afford it…if and only if I stick to my budget, and I want one bad enough that I know I can.
Other than that I’ve been wanting to write, just haven’t had the time. Trying to keep busy so that I don’t sink into self-injury. I did though last Monday. I didn’t get the satisfaction I wanted from it, cause I waited to do it. It wasn’t as neat and organized as I normally like it. I self injured again last Tuesday & Wednesday - not with blades, and it was satisfying to some extent, but not as organized and orderly as I like it. I’m really worried V will walk in and I don’t want him to see any of that.
I’m having a hard time telling the missionaries I don’t want them to come over any more cause I’m not interested in their religion. I’m not interested in any religion. But I don’t want to hurt their feelings. It’s funny how it’s easy to do that to the Jehovah’s Witnesses but not these guys. Oh well…I will tell them tomorrow. Ugh. I hate doing shit like that.
Well that is pretty much catching you up to date. I am volunteering for Komen again. I need it - therapy still.

something new...

2009-09-22T16:14:00.000-05:00

I broke down and called the shrink, I had to get more meds anyways, and we’re going to try a new combination of meds. The lithium is perfect, but we’re going to delete the lexapro and I’m trying something called Luvox. It’s supposed to help with OCD and anxiety. The OCD of my mind not stopping the obsessive thoughts on cutting and hurting myself, and the compulsions to actually continue doing them. She thinks those feelings are brought about from anxieties and anger, frustration, etc.. They’ve had some success with people who cut and this medicine apparently. It’s worth a shot. I’m literally to the point that in order to stop those thoughts and feelings and urges I’d risk ending my life. Sad…. And it’s not like I really want to. I don’t have a reason to die except for that. But again, how do you explain to someone that you had a good day at work, home life is actually pretty good and improving, etc and you want to cut yourself and watch yourself bleed and forget about time. You want to take pills to sleep and escape those feelings and thoughts you get when you can’t cut. That going into another reality by drinking gets your thoughts off of hurting yourself. I actually went and got my tetanus shot last week cause of my tendency to cut and not wanting to get lock jaw or any funky thing like that… because I know I can’t stop. I try to hide my blades and I find them cause I hunt until I do. I wasn’t doing good at all, I had to take benadryl cause that is all we have and that puts me to sleep. At one point I actually thought about taking the rest of the pack cause the thoughts were not escaping me. I cried myself to sleep trying to forget the feelings.

Well V should be home in a bit. Hopefully the new stuff will work, especially since I’m so in the mood right now to cut…

barely

2009-09-21T20:03:00.000-05:00

I’m going to end up crying myself asleep again tonight. I don’t understand what is bothering me. I’m having pretty good days and yet when I get home I want to take a handful of anything. Needless to say triple my dose of lithium does nothing for me, nor does the antidepressants. I want to sleep. I wasn’t supposed to live past 28. I figured I would have been dead long before then, even with a child, but as of right now I feel like I am living on borrowed time. Like my days are numbered. I’m not getting any of the relief I got when I could take sleeping pills and just sleep through these emotions. Having to live every day as if everything is Peachy is getting way more difficult than I can handle. I found myself on the verge of tears this afternoon at work. I cried on my way home. I don’t want to breath, I don’t want to live. And yet the thought of me leaving V here alone without a mother shreds my heart. I figure everyone else who says they need me cause I keep them going is being selfish and doesn’t understand the pain I am in nor the urge to want to just shut my mind up. I figure if I can get my mind to be quiet, which I haven’t been able to do lately, and have the urges of self-mutilation just go away I’d be good. I have to make an appt to see my shrink anyways I’m almost out of my meds. I don’t know what could help but things aren’t working right now.

still alive

2009-09-20T17:09:00.000-05:00

I survived myself one more time and awoke to what has become and pretty decent day. We saw E today for about an hour or so. I understand that my selfishness with V and finally wanting him back with me impeded reconciling them sooner. E is to the point where he realized he is no longer V’s dad but will be there as a friend. I can appreciate that. So we had a really good talk. V might go over there later this week to work on the bike he has there. I know I am trying to push their relationship more now, and maybe that has something to do with me not knowing how much longer I will be here in life. I told Eric to some extent that as well. I don’t think he understood. I did find out why he was hesitant about returning the signed forms. He had thought about fighting for custody, and maybe he should have. He is a better parent in that aspect. At least he is more emotionally and mentally stable that I am. And can provide for him financially better than I can. Yet something else I fail at.

I’m finding not cutting myself is getting harder to do. I want another place to cut than my arms, somewhere I can hide it better. I feel like getting another piercing, tat - just complete self mutilation - both in semi-acceptable and non-acceptable forms. Well the Mormon Elders are coming so I’m going to have to shut my words down and listen to them. I don’t want to listen to anyone talk about religion. Okay I’m back.

So anyways I managed to cry myself to sleep last night. Crocodile tears, tasted salty. I buried my head in my pillow trying not to just scream out the anxieties and frustrations I am feeling.

trying to survive another night

2009-09-19T19:02:00.001-05:00

V slept a lot today, I hope he’s not getting depressed or in a funk. I tried to stay out of a funk today by keeping myself occupied. I steam cleaned my carpets. My stupid curtains in my window in my room fell down so I had to fix them. I cleaned my car. V got snippy with me when I asked him to take out the trash for the second time and for some reason I hit rock bottom. I wanted to drive my car into a wall. I want to take a handful of lithium.

V is still at the neighbors and I’m here trying to de-stress. Trying to survive myself one more time. Craving alcohol, pills and a razor blade. Patheticness at its finest.

failure and closing heart

2009-09-18T21:02:00.000-05:00

Trying to find out why I’m in a funk.. And I really am my own worst enemy. I am so upset with myself for not loosing at least 15 pounds since the beginning of August. I’m upset I haven’t placed out of trig yet and gotten my degree. I’m upset I haven’t started studying to take the LEED exam. I’m upset I haven’t seemed to accomplish any of the things I really wanted to accomplish by this time this year. I feel like my failures are the reasons I’m not excelling in my life the way I want to. I take full responsibility for my laziness. I just wish I would be motivated.
The only thing I can do is pick up my lazy ass this Sunday and get back on track, pick up where I left off and finish all my goals by the end of this year. Well the LEED may have to wait till the 1st quarter of next year. The weight, I have to loose 30 pounds by December 31st. No ifs, ands, or butts, I must do that for my health. I must take my test to place out of trig by November 1st at the absolute latest November 15th.
Another reason for the slump is being thrown off guard. When you rely on someone else to help pick you up and keep you going and they aren’t as available for various reasons it really sucks. It makes you realize that apparently you don’t even make yourself as happy and cheerful as you can make others. It makes me feel like I failed there. Yeah I sound depressed but it’s really confusing me cause I am doing really well at taking my meds more regularly since I stopped drinking and downing sleeping pills. Maybe I need my sleeping pills so I can get some decent sleep. I don’t even want to go to work anymore and things are actually pretty decent - everything has calmed down so it’s not like I wouldn’t want to go.
I hate this feeling. Can I actually be lonely and need the company of another adult? Someone to hold me and love me? Someone available 24/7. Yeah right..I like to think my independence and stubborness allows me to go without. I shouldn’t need the thing I fear the most and yet crave with one special person I’m not allowed to have. The whole reason for finding someone who is married and unavailable is to allow me not to get hurt. I know going in that I won’t get hurt and there is never a real chance for anything developing. It’s a safe way to get the sexual needs I want without getting hurt. I can’t imagine being tied down to anyone but one person right now - and that one person isn’t available for me anyways.
I want to hibernate and crawl away and close my heart. Close my mind and lock the part of me that needs love from others and distributes it to others (except for V). I’m too sensitive to those issues right now and it’s freaking me out. I was never like that. UGH!

still breathing

2009-09-16T17:58:00.000-05:00

things are going here, I know it’s been a while. Let’s see I busted the right side of my body last Friday on September 11th. I was thinking Sept 11th - another anniversary of the twin towers. It’s like me reliving every anniversary of my diagnosis, last chemo, when labs came back clean - etc.. It’s easier to say than to actually forget. It’s like we’re living in the past over and over and over again. They didn’t even act like this when Pearl Harbor was attacked. So I managed to hydroplane myself into the handicap striped lane, landing oh so not gracefully.
I can feel myself getting into and out of a slump. I’m trying to keep my head above the grave and while laying in the grass. I go to the shrink in about two weeks, I’m afraid I’ll request different or more sleeping pills. I don’t trust myself. While I wanted to ask my doctor, when I went for my physical and told him about my fall, for pain killers I didn’t. It was hard not to want some.
Not much else going on. Just existing to exist.

doing better... and behaved

2009-09-10T21:42:00.002-05:00

Well this week has been better. Not sure why or how those things come about but apparently they do. I told EL today, as he was trying to feel me up as I kept yanking his hand off me, that I am in love with someone else. He said I was a liar. I hate that. I said no, it’s my best friend, I fell for him about four years ago, and what not. I told him that my bud told me to give someone else a chance, to give him a chance. He kind of did the sure look. He didn’t talk to me the rest of the day. I hate this shit. I shouldn’t have to justify my feelings or reasoning. Don’t get pissed off and ignore me cause I’m telling you the truth. Ughh
So my first meet the teachers thing right. Well before that I went to this thing for gifted kids. When V and I were sitting there he told me the lady that sent an email to the teacher about him doing drugs was sitting at the next table. I started to get pissed, my hands started shaking, my heart started racing, my nose and lips went numb and tingly. I wanted to get up and smack the crap out of her, instead I asked V to introduce me to her so I could thank her for having the principal tell him how to do drugs. He did. And she introduced herself, I said my name real quick and said “I just wanted to thank you for having the principal teach my son how to huff…aerosol”. She said, “That was an interesting way to of viewing it”. Later on her husband came up to me and said, “Have you taught your son anything positive lately?” I said, “Yes, how not to judge a book by its cover”, and walked off. We avoided them. I wanted to leave cause I was shaking really bad cause I was upset and I really wanted to yell at them. I wanted to scream and ask why the fuck they would have said or thought such things when I can’t even get him to freaking put on Neosporin on his cuts cause it says “Not to take internally” and he’s afraid that when it gets in his wound it’s going to poison him. He won’t take Tylenol, allergy medicine or anything for that matter besides Tums. I can’t get him to take cough medicine or put on vapor rub and was afraid to get near me right after chemo cause the info sheet said for caregivers, visitors, etc.. to stay away from any bodily fluids. But I can’t say that cause he doesn’t want people know how afraid he is of that stuff. He doesn’t even like it when I use the air to spray the computer – he tells me to take it outside.
The only thing is, I have to remind him that people are always willing to jump at judging a person by appearance instead of actually getting to know the person for who they are. If someone were to step into our life. Sit down and see that we have animals, a clean place, an occasional sailor slur but a good heart they would realize that you can’t judge people by their looks. At that moment, sitting there in the library fuming, I wish I had both arms covered in tats, different colored hair, nose ring, fake cat colored contacts, etc.. just for the fuck of it. Oh well.. on that note, we’re going to a Buddhist temple Sunday.
Oh.. taking a second job.

exhausted

2009-09-07T21:38:00.001-05:00

I am exhausted mentally and am finding it quite difficult to sleep. I did what no parent should do I told V he is killing me. After arguing with him all day long and even having a friend tell him to behave and do what I ask him to do and what not, V comes up to me and tells me he loves me. I told him he doesn’t. I told him if he loves me then why after dealing with all the bullshit up to that point for the day do I feel like cutting myself and taking a handful of pills to disappear? I asked him why after picking up after him and catering to him here and there do I feel like I am worthless. I told him he doesn’t love me, he loves me picking up after him. He loves the idea that I will be here to do whatever it is he wants me to do. I told him he better be careful cause the day is nearing when he may no longer have me to come home to. I know that is a horrible convo to have but god damn it he needs to know the pain he is causing me by walking all over me and making me feel worthless. I was not made to feel like a door mat. I was not designed to continually feel unloved and unaccepted day in and day out after busting my ass. I was not made to withstand constant arguing and bickering. I don’t want that in my life - I cannot handle that kind of stress. I cannot take on everything on my own and be expected to not break. Every day I feel myself slowly crumbling, every day I get up dust myself off glue the pieces back on, cover them up, and every day a bigger chunk breaks off. I cannot live this way. If I wanted to stay in a relationship where I felt completely worthless I would have stayed those relationships. I am here to thrive. I want to breathe and enjoy those in my life the way they were meant to be enjoyed. This is not to say that we won’t argue and what not but I cannot take a constant barrage of pissing and moaning and being told “I told you…” , “You did it wrong”, “you should have done it…” when in the end how I do a task ends up getting to the point it needs to be. I don’t want grunting every time you are asked to do something. I don’t want to argue every time you ask for my opinion and you don’t like it. It’s constant. There isn’t a let up except when he is asleep. I have had it. I can’t take it anymore. And I told him so. He cried the whole time, I had to get it through his thick skull that he has to learn to do this. If he treats me this shitty I can’t imagine how he would treat his significant other.
Maybe it’s cause I grew up doing chores, at a younger age than he is, and I expect the same. Maybe it’s cause no matter how much I hated my mom or the chores I just did them – moaning under my breath out of her presence. I never talked back to my mother – EVER! Yeah I’d roll my eyes but it was never verbal. I didn’t slam doors cause she told me to do chores. Again, while I loathed my mother I did what she asked me to do when it came to helping out around the house and doing my part. I did rebel in other ways, but I was a junior in high school or so before that happened and it was usually having people over when they weren’t supposed to be or something stupid.
Maybe I’m more fragile than I thought and the stress of being a single parent is wearing on me. The stress of trying to raise a boy the right way – with manners and what not and a free thinker isn’t what I should have taken on. I hate to think that cause for a long time he has kept me going. But when I go and go and go for someone who shits on me day after day after day, getting worse by doing it more in front of family friends and what not – I can’t take it. I feel like I have failed. I feel like everything I did was a waste of time and my existence for that task was useless.
Three times last week I cut, three times I took trazadone – more than the prescribed amount. I used to be able to handle life. I’m taking my meds. I worry I will crack and realizing all the things I’m capable of isn’t a good thing. I’m trying so hard not to cut tonight. And low and behold I have nothing to take to go to sleep – not even Benadryl. Maybe I’ll chant myself to sleep… it’s been a while but it’s never too late to do it. I’ll try to write tomorrow if I can and in the meantime I will try not to do anything too stupid.

just a sunnnnyday

2009-09-06T12:11:00.002-05:00

I cut off about 2” of hair this morning.... I want my hair to be one length again or have longer layers in the front... a la Catherine Zeta Jones when she had her long hair with thick curls. Now it’s not long enough for a pony tail; however, my hair grows pretty fast so it won’t be a problem.
I started looking into getting a criminal background with report on CJ. Just curious to what he has been up to over the last few years. Unfortunately one site I paid for while I could see he had six reports listed on his record, I couldn’t actually view/access the reports for information unless I paid more money and well I’m not paying a butt load of money on that. I wanted to see if his current warrant was listed. He has a case against him in OKC, but I don’t even think that one was listed – it was for theft over $1,000.00 via mail fraud.

So, I have been meeting with Mormon missionaries lately. The other day they gave an assignment of reading this handout “The Plan of Salvation”. I’m going to list my response to several questions asked in this pamphlet.
- Where did I come from?
---I am a product of a celestial snot fuck (actually I didn’t say that but that sounds cool)
- Pre-earth life you learned right from wrong
o As an individual you learn from others. During life in a body are we not able to determine on our own right from wrong? We have the choice to choose what we have observed – via mortal laws – to know what is and what is not acceptable. For those who do not either follow and/or believe in Jesus or God, are they incapable of determining right from wrong or making good judgments during their life. While what is considered right or wrong is determined in the eye of the beholder, most beings agree and follow the same.
- Agency
o In general Mormon’s are to some extent existentialist who believe in Jesus Christ
- What is my purpose in life?
o In all honest I did not answer this question when I wrote it but I am going to imagine what my purpose is in life. I am here to help others, learn from others. I bringing happiness and joy and occasional wreak havoc on my life trying desperately not to do it to those in my life. I’m here to bring my experiences to others so they don’t muck up and make mistakes. I’ve done that enough myself that I can step back and watch when someone else does it and try to stop them.
o My written response – can you not do right without God? Aren’t people capable of just being genuinely good righteous people?
- You cannot overcome sin and its effect by yourself.
o I view sin as a learning experience. I take from it a way not to do it again. I don’t view sin as ever being a mistake or regret. I’d regret most of my life if I did. Having chosen the path to sin willfully should be a life lesson. It’s usually something I did while right from wrong. After awhile I don’t feel guilt of shame – but came away from the incident with a different view.
o This wasn’t written in my initial response but let me elaborate for you... as occasionally I do care what people think of me. As someone who cheated repeatedly on m husband, I never regretted the action the emotions and trying to fill a void (don’t be naughty), a yearning for a physical relationship. I might have regretted getting caught and I dealt with the overall consequences and actually came out better. I apologized, and in all honesty I think it was because I got caught and didn’t want to leave but I also really did care that I hurt someone. I’m not always callous. As someone who talked back and caused lots of pain to my parents I genuinely felt bad and made amends. I would not take back anything I told any of my parents – I wanted to be heard I wanted to voice my opinion and to be made known that I was hurting inside as well and that the whole situation sucked. I don’t regret or feel guilty for pretty much anything I have done. I will apologize if I am in the wrong and I hurt someone. But out of whatever incident it was – not only did I learn something about life but they did too. Everyone involved always does, maybe not right away but eventually. As I occasionally sleep with a married man, it has to be on the lines that I will never come between his family, work, or anything. It’s just fun and not something to get emotionally caught up in. Not someone destructive. But in with that I don’t feel guilty. It’s the damnest thing.
- The atonement of Jesus Christ
o Initially I might have guilt but it’s usually from getting caught or hurting someone. But I always make amends when the time is right. I don’t want to hurt anyone but it happens.
Where will I go after this life?
o My spirit will leave my body and I will roam the earth for a while. I keep guard over those that I love and that have loved me, letting them know they are not alone. My spirit will eventually be led into another celestial dimension where I will await reincarnation. Bring my “old soul” back to earth to help others.

So we went to church with them today – it was rather odd. Organized completely different. They don’t give sermons per se but they had testimonies. You literally eat bread and drink a small, less than shot, of water. The men and young boys are involved in everything – they are the leaders. The women sit with the children while the men do their thing… but the men were still quite heavily involved with taking care of the children too. They had a baptismal or something similar and the mother didn’t go up – it was the father and the priests. I was thrown aback by that. While in my culture the men take care of the family, it’s was rare that the mothers were not involved, especially in the religious part of their lives.

I did come to the conclusion however, that I’m not into the whole church thing, praying thing or whatever and I need to get looking and taking V out to a few Buddhist churches. If he wants to learn more about the Mormon faith, and he feels that is what he needs spiritually for himself, I will support him 100%. I don’t want to limit his spiritual journey because of my beliefs and feelings – my mother did that to me and I was unable to exert that independence and I really think that fucked me up there. I just don’t feel as if I need a Jesus or a God to have done anything for me. I do not think the lack of their presence contributes to any of the things that do or do not go on in my life. I make my own choices. Anyways I’m going to get the rats out and play with them – actually after I put up the laundry. Kafka has been so sweet with me lately – curling up in bed and in my lap to let me love him. Awe….

Oh yeah, I’m supposed to go in this weekend but it’s not working. I think I am going to just stay late during the week to get the filing done. I go in early but end up talking to my boss instead of working.

hit low point

2009-09-05T08:57:00.001-05:00

last night i hit the lowest point i have actually been at in a long ass time.... several years. i managed to survive the night which literally at one point i doubted i would. i figured v would probably end up waking up to find me dead or holding on to my last few breaths of life. so i had to do what i should have done a long time ago - dump my bottle of anti-anxiety/sleeping pills. i'm going to have to throw away all my razor blades. according to v i was the palest he has ever seen me.

two afternoons in a row i did the pills and cutting.. last night was 4 times than i am used to taking at any one point. i have been feeling like a complete failure, like not only am i not living up to my expectations for myself alone less for v and my friends and family. i am slowly spinning out of control, slipping away, looking to pull myself out of this nothingness slump i slid into. i'm not sure what is throwing me into this slump..i've been taking my meds on a pretty much every day basis.. maybe missing one or two days here or there but not usually more. i'm really bad about taking it on the weekend. i take it at work though pretty regularly.

v and i have had a rollercoast relationship lately. i told him yesterday that he needs to be aware of his behavior and the way he acts because it is really throwing me off and his moods and the way he treats me really affects me a lot. yesterday morning he called me and told he he didn't do his homework and wanted to skip school. i informed him if he skips school they will find me and i will have to go to court and maybe jail (not sure how true the jail part is, but no telling with our strict truancy laws and the parents getting blamed).i told him he will be by himself and could be sent to live with other people if he takes up that habit cause i will be seen as an unfit parent. he text me shortly afterwards and told me he wanted to skip to avoid humiliating himself and it's not like i don't skip work to avoid glenda. i had to explain to him that i have vacation and sick time saved up and am allowed to take it when i deem required. i told him i just can't not show up for work, i'd loose my job. anyways i had kind of relaxed during the day, especially since he told me i was right that if he puts his mind to it he could finish his homework and he did. i wanted to get a cover for our chair last night when i picked him up for school, just to find out he had riden his bike to school - but that was cause he couldn't find his shoes and had to rush to school - which was easier if he rode the bike than walk or run.

i just feel as if i was a better mother he would have done his homework thursday. actually he would have waken me up or checked on my thursday afternoon when he got home instead of just taking off and playing outside with his friends. i know i expect a lot from him but i just don't feel as if he wants to be with me or have me around. i'm trying so hard not to fuck up his life like my mother did mine. to make him feel wanted and loved and cared for when my immediately family failed in that area. while i spoil him to some extent i try really hard not to go overboard in fear of creating a monster.

well i'm going to post and see about waking v up.. getting him ready. i was going to go to work today but i think i am going to go tomorrow instead. i want to get chores out of the way.

honesty at it's darkest

2009-08-30T03:38:00.000-05:00

I’ve survived another year – from cancer, from myself (barely), enjoying things when I could mentally and pushing the envelope and testing my mortal limits. I’m once again awaken and with hallucinations in the dark and a mind that won’t stop decided to get up and write. I need light to stop me from hallucinating, clarify the shadows and movement in the darkness. I need to get my mind to stop thinking. Hallucinations of any kind are not good for someone who teeters on mania and semi-stability.
Over the years I’ve tested the limits of my mortality, mixing pills and alcohol, cutting and bleeding out – my two favorite ways. This year has been harder and at times more frequent, surviving myself is starting to be a full time chore. The realization of the effects it has on the people who surround me is getting harder to deny, which at times makes wanting to continue with things that much more difficult. I’ve realized that the hope and yearning of a relationship – true passionate love – is not in the best interest of that party nor my own. While I can love I can’t accept it enough to enjoy it the way it was meant to be. The realization that I will get into the same habit I had with Eric of when I’m asked what’s wrong and not being able to talk to a significant other in fear of their thoughts and emotions of what I have to say. In all honesty how do you tell someone that you literally have no freaking idea why you’re in a slump or why even though you’ve had a pretty awesome day all you want to do is bleed which isn’t healthy so you want to sleep through whatever episode you are experiencing. How do you have a relationship like that? You can’t. Trying to explain to them that it has absolutely fucolutely nothing to do with them, that they just happen to be a bystander caught in the crossfire of emotions and feelings you can’t handle. It’s not fair to either party, especially them.
This past year I realized that while I didn’t really have a place to call home when I was growing up cause we moved so much, as an adult I still don’t have that home. I’m conflicted between my current living area and wanting to be able to come back to Austin to a house. My parents have begun renting rooms out of their house, so coming home to this house is more like staying in a bed and breakfast. It’s throwing me off and I feel even more lost than I did when I was growing up. I can’t seem to find my bearings in this place we call earth in a mode we call life.
I find myself unraveling at a faster pace than when I was younger. I’m like a tensioned cable that has been damaged, slowly twisting against the strain, finding ways to loosen the tension. Occasionally an internal thread snaps and begins to fray, rubbing up against the outer strands holding it in place. Slowly one by one the strands are loosening, snapping, unraveling from the inside out. I’m able, and so far pretty much always have been able to, hold things in long enough to function at work and appear sane. I’m just not sure how much longer I will be able to do that once I leave work. I feel tired. Tired of putting on an air of something I’m not always feeling just to put people at ease. Just because I can’t explain in a logical sense what I am feeling inside alone less comprehend such confusion and awkwardness. I am beginning to wonder how much more I can take. Maybe cancer should have taken me, at least that is a more acceptable way than wanting to get away from one’s own mind. I have a child to take care of and that keeps me going but I’m afraid that once he’s out of the apartment and on his own that I won’t be able to continue.
I’m gonna post, after I can figure out what V did to the computer. I got a whopping three hours of sleep last night and I get to drive all the way back to what I assume is my home since I don’t have one here, today. I’m going to eat a late breakfast with my aunt and uncle.

Wednesday's Update...a day late

2009-08-27T16:02:00.001-05:00

My divorce is final and I'm back to my madien name. I called V's prinicpal on my way to work, after I left the courthouse, and it actually went well. Apparently V had "left" his axe aerosol body spray in his back pack and it fell out of a hole in his back pack. He tried it put it in his pocket but it kept coming out so he asked a boy in his PE class to hold it. Well the kid said no. So he asked another boy. That one said no too. One of the boys went home and told his mommie and she sent an e-mail to the principal address her "concern" that Voltaire is doing drugs. There's no other Voltaire in school so they automatically knew who the mother was talking about. The principal and vice principal pulled V aside before PE on Tuesday to discuss the incident. They some how brought up huffing and inhaling aerosol products and V was totally lost cause he did not know anything about it. When they realized he had no flipping idea they knew he was innocent and all of this was a misunderstanding. The principal just wanted to talk to me to make sure nothing was construed. The thing is, V didn't even tell me about the incident. He did mention learning that people inhale drugs from bags and I thought it was just a normal school discussion. I had to wake him up to find out what I was going to be up against. I was very defensive because his last school accused him of doing drugs. I told the principal of his middle school that "I will kick his ass if I ever find out he is doing drugs". Yeah I said it like that.

I don't think schools realize that when they talk about drugs and how to use them, how people hide them, etc... that they are giving kids ideas on how to go about doing drugs. I'd research the drugs I did prior to doing them so I would know the effects, what to look out for, etc..

Anyways the principal seemed pretty cool, like he was actually wanted to befriend the students and parents. Nicer and friendlier than the other principals we've dealt with.

I am going to try to get my drivers license changed tomorrow morning, finish my hair (turning it white - almost there), lunch with a friend, laundry, cleaning up and whatsnot. I forgot what a pain in the ass changing all my documents are - especially since everyone wants the original file and standing in lines and blah blah blah...

Eric is already inquiring about obtaining COBRA after our divorce, I'm waiting for paperwork from my company. I'm debating on what to do about my phone, I got a new one under warranty and it sucks, but V's phone doesn't organize the contacts the way I like them organized. I'm thinking about getting an unlocked phone but I don't know much about them. I really like the Samsung Propel. I don't surf or check email on my phone so I don't need that kind of high tech stuff - I just want a good camera, QWERTY and proper sound, downloadable ringtones - well transferred from computer to phone..not much else.

I'll be 31 tomorrow. I'm anxious - not about my birthday but about my lunch with my friend...need to behave and keep certain thoughts out of my head and edit the words that come out of my mouth prior to them actually coming out of my mouth. I want a washer damn it and a HP Mini oh and the winning lotto ticket so I can buy all that schtuff myself. Gotta go and get laundry...