Mega Superior Gold

More of the funniest website of all-time

2008-10-09T06:25:00.000-07:00

The site, www.focusonthefamily.com is a goldmine. The founder, James Dobson, is a fucking crackpot Jesus freak, self-loathing homo who thinks homosexuality is a sinful choice. According to the always reliable and accurate Wikipedia, Dobson is so vehemently against the gay lifestyle that he accused Spongebob Squarepants of being a shill for the homosexual community. Check this out: "In the winter of 2004-2005, the We Are Family Foundation sent American elementary schools approximately 60,000 copies of a free DVD using popular cartoon characters (most notably Sponge Bob) to "promote tolerance and diversity." Dobson contended that "tolerance and diversity" are "buzzwords" that the We Are Family Foundation misused as part of a hidden agenda to promote homosexuality. The New York Times noted Dobson asserting: "tolerance and its first cousin, diversity, 'are almost always buzzwords for homosexual advocacy.'" Umm, guess what, Mr. Dobson? You are fucking gay! You've been denying it your whole life. But you can't fight it when you see those choir boys in your church kneel down and open their mouths for that wafer, huh? At that moment, even at your advanced age, I'm sure your dick gets hard as a fucking rock. I am positive at some point- and probably a lot more than I can even imagine- Dobson has had hardcore gay sex. He will burn in hell, if there is one. Not for being gay, of course, but for denying being gay and for making so many poor fucking kids/adults afraid to come out. And for teaching intolerance and what is essentially gay-bashing. What a fucking dick hole.

Anyway, here's a fun little article on parenting from Dobson's website. Enjoy.

Are You a Pinocchio Parent?
by Shana Schutte

Do you remember Pinocchio, the little wooden boy carved from a piece of pine by the woodcarver, Geppetto? (Mind you, this article is meant for parents, not children and already it's starting off so fucking condescending.) Even though Pinocchio dreamt of becoming a real boy, there was very little real about him – except that he had a nasty habit of lying. Whenever he lied, his nose grew. If he told a whopper, it grew very long, while a little white lie caused only a little growth. (Of course Dobson loves this story. A little boy made of "wood" whose nose grows? I mean, could it be any more about getting erections?)

According to Dr. Chuck Borsellino (Never trust anyone with that first name) , the author of Pinocchio Parenting (what a gay title) , many adults suffer from Pinocchio's problem. No, they're not blatant liars, and their noses don't grow (No way! Really?), but they use false clichés to teach their kids, which can be problematic.

Before you think you couldn't possibly be a "Pinocchio Parent," check out these four common lies that adults tell their children (One of them is that the Earth was created 4,000 years ago, right?). While people may repeat these untruths at any time, I've broken them down by ages and stages for extra insight. (Ooh, I can't wait for Shana's amazing insight)

Early Stages (0-3)
"Yes, Honey, there is a Santa Claus."

During the Christmas holidays, tiny tots all over the United States (yes, only in the United States, because everywhere else the heathens wait for a giant monkey to deliver their toys) gather in shopping malls to sit on Santa's lap. Soon, with a little coaching from Mom and Dad, our littlest citizens believe in the magic man in the red hat and long, white flowing beard. (No, instead we must teach them that this holiday about about a magic man with long hair and a white flowing beard who sees you when you sleep and knows when you've been good or bad. And you have to pray to him every Sunday or else he'll make sure you burn in a pit of fire when you die.)

You might be thinking, OK, wait a minute! What's wrong with Santa? He is part of the magic of Christmas. Granted, many people agree that there isn't anything wrong with St. Nick, including Dr. Dobson, the founder of Focus on the Family. "I wouldn't take that away from early childhood. My kids loved Santa." (So what's your fucking point, asshole?)

While Dr. Borsellino agrees with Dobson that play and fantasy are a fun (and sexy!) part of childhood, the main lesson parents should glean from Santa is to be "careful telling your kids anything that you'll have to un-tell them later." (Like "mommy and daddy love each other very much" or "Daddies always feed kids with their special milking hose when mommy's boobies dry up.")

Discovery Years (ages 4-7)
"What's on the inside is what matters." (Especially with vaginas)

The first time that Julia came home from middle school crying because her classmates ridiculed her about her "elephant-size" ears, her mother tried to comfort her by saying, "Sweetheart, it's what's on the inside that matters." ("Take mommy, for instance. I am rotting on the inside because every dream I ever had for myself died when you emerged from my swollen hole. That's when I got a new identity called 'mommy' and I stopped being myself. But it's okay because the role of 'mommy' is so liberating and completely unique to my existence. Hold on, Dear, while I put this gun in my mouth and blow my brains out.")

While this sounds like a good argument because what's on the inside does matter to God, the truth is that we in the United States have a beauty bias. And, according to Borsellino, "We lie [to our kids] when we don't face that." (You know what, I can't argue with this. Damn! If your kid is fugly, you'd better prepare them for the life of abuse, lies and disappointment that awaits them. But first you have to admit your kid is ugly. Come to your fucking senses, people. I know you think your kid is beautiful but, guess what, every parent thinks that. You know that ugly girl in middle school that you made fun of for having a huge forehead? Yeah her mom though she was beautiful. So take a close look at your kid. Think about the odds. Notice how many good looking people you see in a day versus how many ugly fuckers you see. Get the point? The odds are against you and your ugly kid. Best start preparing them now. )

What can a parent do when teens, especially girls, are demoralized by the world's message that you don't matter if you don't look like a movie star? While a parent does not want to emphasize outward appearances, Borsellino believes parents should teach kids to make the most of what God gave them ("accentuate the tits," Borsellino suggested.) . "If the barn door needs painting, paint it," (not too sexually suggestive) he says. We should also eat healthy and exercise to take care of our bodies. Of course, making the most of our outward appearance should never be done at the expense of faith or character. (So no "Cum on Jesus" tattoo above the ass crack?)

Tween Ages (ages 8-12)
"The best things in life are free."

When your children start to grow, it's natural for you to want to teach them to be grateful. You want them to value the little things in life, right? For this reason, just about every parent tells their kids, "The best things in life are free."

While this may sound good, the question is this: when is the last time you really valued something that was free? (But wait, I'm confused, this seems very un-Christian) It's probably been a long time, or it may have never happened. The truth is that anything that is worth something costs something. It costs courage, dedication, money, sacrifice or relational commitment. (Oh wow, my mind is officially blown! What a twist! This is better than anything that Hitchcock or M. Night Shyamalan could come up with.)

The college graduate who studied for years will tell you they value their diploma. The husband and wife who have worked their way out of a deep marital ditch will tell you that a healthy marriage isn't free. The young pastor who works two jobs to keep his congregation afloat will say that it costs dedication (and a lot of money to settle all those kid raping cases. Damn loud-mouthed little faggots!).

So you see, the truth is that the best things in life aren't free, and according to Dr. Borsellino, "Whatever you earn cheaply, you will also value to the same degree." No doubt, this is a great truth to teach your kids. (And be sure when they ask "mommy, was I free" that you tell them the fucking reality; "No, Billy, you were not free. Mommy had to give up her dreams, her body and her sexuality for you. And Daddy had to give up being attracted to mommy and 10 years off of his retirement and that's why he sees a whore now.")

Teen Phases (ages 13-18)
"You can be anything you want to be."

When parents want to encourage their teens about finding a career they often say, "You can be anything you want to be." Is it a lie? Absolutely. (And because you've properly trained your children to take everything they see, hear and read literally, like the Bible,

"The truth is, if you're 4'9 (and white) ," says Borsellino, "you can't play in the NBA."It is also true that we have more opportunities in the United States (if you're white) than just about anywhere else in the world, but no one can be whatever they want. A skilled engineer will probably go crazy trying to write a book, and an artist would most likely go bananas if she had to crunch numbers for a living. Yes, God has given everyone gifts, but no one has every gift. (So- in an effort to encourage and motivate your little cunt kids definitely don't tell them they should "reach for the stars", because that's utter bullshit. How could they possibly reach the stars? They are millions of miles away! Could these Christians be any more literal? Okay, sure, you can't be anything you want in life but should you stop them from trying? I don't think anyone- even the kids who hear that phrase- are taking it literally. But then again, we are talking about Christians here. They think a man turned water into wine and that's a fucking FACT!!!!)

Rather than tell kids they can be whatever they want, Dr. Borsellino suggests that parents ask themselves, "What kind of gifts and talents can I fertilize in my children?" (Wait, say that last sentence again, I want to lube up.) In other words, how can I encourage growth of the particular gifts, talents and bents that God has placed in each of my children? Parents should also teach their kids to strive for excellence by doing their best with whatever skills and talents God has given them (But what if that talent just happens to be giving the most exquisite blow jobs? What then? I don't mean every day, run-of-the-mill blow jobs. I mean like the best fucking head on the planet. What if that was the one skill your [over 18 years old, you fucking animals!] kid was given? Someone's gotta have it, right? Spanish Johnny?)

Most importantly, Borsellino wants his readers to know that the most dangerous lie is not one we tell our kids, but the one we tell ourselves. It's when we say, "I don’t matter." (Huh? Who the fuck says this?) No doubt, this lie will rob parents who believe it of their ability to parent effectively.

The greatest proof that we do matter is the cross (yes, an instrument of torture and unthinkable pain is all the proof I need.) Through Christ's act of unconditional love, God said, "You mean the world to me, even if the world says you don't matter." (So, why does your faggot doctor infer that saying "I don't matter" is the worst lie of all?) Not only is this one of the greatest truths that parents should embrace, but it's one they can share with their children, at any age or stage. (Yes, definitely try sitting down with your 15 year old and share this with them. I'm sure it will mean so much and make a huge difference in their life.)

By the way, for the record, I am not anti-Christian but I am anti-preaching. Go make sense of that.

Not too evaginacal.

PS> Say "hi" to your mother for me, okay?

"Oh my Gash"

2008-10-03T05:14:00.000-07:00

This morning I was greeted by newspaper headlines like "Palin passes" and "no fatal slips as Biden, Palin tussle for title of reformer." No fatal slips? What about that hackneyed fucking winking? What about her absolute lack of substance? I knew it. If she didn't take a shit on stage it was virtually guaranteed the weak press would laud her performance as a rousing success. I can't believe it but America really is less interested in facts, substance and track records than they are in snappy eye wear, pretty hair, supple, pouty lips, bedroom eyes, a perfect smile, milky, flawless legs, a tight little ass that won't quit and is begging for a hard spanking. Oh fuck it, PALIN FOR PRESIDENT!!!!!!

No, I'll have a lot to talk about when the election is over.

Oh....my....God

2008-10-01T06:38:00.000-07:00

These things actually vote? This country is fucked.

Not too genetically blessed.

He takes shits that are smarter than you.

2008-09-29T05:30:00.000-07:00

Palin comparison.

What a caption! Well I might as well be the first to say it, right? I mean, about a million other people will be saying it and reading it in tabloid papers and on the news on Friday after the Vice Presidential debate. I can hear my local newswoman now: "Palin comparison. How did the governor of Alaska fare against Senator Joe Biden? We'll have detailed analysis. Also, shower curtain rings. Circles of death? A report every mom should hear! Tonight at 11." God, they sicken me. Anyway, back to Sarah Palin. Good luck, whore. You have about as good a chance against Biden as that kid you claim is your son, "Trig", has against, oh I don't know, a rubber ball with a bell in it? Suck my nut, bitch. Go away.

Not too predictable (the post, the outcome of the debate and the gay caption)

"Your cock looks magnificent today."

2008-09-26T06:35:00.000-07:00

In the elevator today, I heard - surprise - yet another fucking mundane, predictable conversation. Why do people suddenly become Corky when they get inside an elevator? Here's the conversation two normally intelligent women had.

GIRL1: It's so gross out today.

GIRL2: I KNOW!

GIRL1: Uggh, this day can't be over fast enough.

GIRL2: This week has been the longest week ever.

Now, the irony of me talking about how people are such cliches by using the old, cliched example of elevator chatter is not lost on me. However, I'm writing this blog and you're merely reading it, so suck it. Besides, my point isn't so much what people are saying but what people are not saying. It's too bad we can't say what's really on our minds in elevators (I smell a Seinfeld bit coming on!) . Or anywhere for that matter. So here are a few conversation starters for anyone who wants to be a little less predictable and a little more "real" in an elevator.

1) "My your cock looks magnificent today." - What fucking guy wouldn't want to hear this compliment? And yes, it would be a compliment. Guys are shallow and insecure (soooo different from the ladies!) and would love to hear this. Which begs the question, why would you gals recoil at someone saying "Your jugs look so fucking good today"? Okay, replace "jugs" with the more sensitive "boobs." Either way you'd probably call the cops. Yet if you said "fuck your package looks sweet" guys would beam with pride. Boy I guess women really are from Venus and men are from Mars. Ha-ha, am I right? Hello? Is anyone still here?

2) "I can see your asshole in those pants."- If a complete stranger said this to me, I would instantly love them. I would also be unable to catch my breath from laughing so hard.

3) "Oh hi, Janice. Hey, I heard your kid is a faggot." -May be slightly offensive, I guess.

4) "Have you been reading Mega Superior Gold lately? My god is that guy funny. And hot." - No explanation necessary, just give the Kid a fucking break, okay?

5) "Nothing would make me happier than to punch all of you in the genitals right now." -A great way to get the elevator all to yourself. And people would be talking about it all day.

6) "This week has been the longest week ever!" - I guess my point is just as retarded as the conversations I speak about. You can't really say that shit out loud. People will look at you funny. And call the cops. It's a shame though. Because elevator rides could be so much more entertaining if people would loosen up and not take everything so seriously. What a bunch of faggots you all are.

Not too going nowhere.

Advertising in action. Hot, fucking action.

2008-09-26T06:33:00.000-07:00

Genius.

Find more videos like this on AdGabber

Not too desperate for material.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA- You've got to be kidding me.

2008-09-23T09:34:00.000-07:00

RILF

The dumb-as-rocks-ridiculously-under-qualified-hot-piece-of-ass Vice Presidential candidate, Sarah Palin, is barring reporters from viewing her first day at international diplomacy sleepaway camp (see story here). So she's hiding from the media because she is terrified they will expose her ineptitude? That proves just how much of a retard (one that I'd like to fuck, by the way. Not like her son. I'm not attracted to him at all) she is. She's so dumb she doesn't even realize that the news media is more likely report on how pretty she looks and how "normal" she is than talk about her faux pas with Henry Kissinger when she says to him "I thought you'd look more Jewy."

(Update: The McCain spin masters are now saying that reporters were never banned from the meetings. I guess they were just joshin' around when they sent all of the reporters out of the room, huh? Frankly I'm surprised the media even reported the fact that they were sent out of the room in the first place. I expected instead something like "Fatal Fruit! The true story behind apples. Are your children safe?"

Not too jewy.

I've got a five inch taint.

2008-09-19T05:07:00.000-07:00

More reasons why Mr. Show was the greatest show of all-time.

When was the last time you saw a skit that funny on any tv show? I'll tell you when, never. Fucking grow up, losers. Check out this one too. Then go out and buy the DVD's. Needless to say, they are well worth it. You will never stop watching them.

Not too between the balls and ass.

The funniest website of all-time (part 1)

2008-09-16T06:40:00.000-07:00

The website is www.focusonthefamily.com. And I'm not linking it because it really is a despicable site. However, I've combed through all the homophobia and churchy-ness to bring you some highlights. The following is an article from their "Life Challenges" section -aimed at the young 'ens- about a young man with a propensity for looking at - gasp! - "pictures of naked women." Fuck you preachy assholes. I guarantee the hypochrists who write that site all have way worse shit hidden in their basements. Like dismembered, previously-raped little boy bodies. But I digress. Here's their wonderfully written lesson to the young about pornography. I give you, "I know what you did last night" with my comments in red, obviously.

Ken struggled to adjust to the dorm scene his freshman year. Guys (I can hear the editor now "let's use 'guys' instead of 'men' so we can really appeal to the young kids) dropped by his room all the time, but not to see him. In fact they ignored him as they hung out with his roommate who seemed to be adjusting just fine. Ken hoped to simply get by — going through the motions of college and often bypassing the social scene around him. At this tough time, pictures of naked women seemed to be faithful friends. When he felt lonely or frustrated, he knew exciting images were only a few clicks away on the Internet. The rush they provided dulled the drudgery of sitting in class and the awkwardness of social time between classes.

Ken knew it wasn't right. He struggled with pornography throughout high school and going to a Christian college didn't change things, but he thought it was just a private little habit he'd have to work on. Until his habit was exposed. Some guys on his hall — the same ones he hadn't been able to fit in with — caught him in the act. They spread the word and seemed to enjoy the embarrassment it caused him. (Sounds like some nice Christian kids there.) It made him mad. He denied viewing the porn even though he had been caught. He lost his temper and started pushing people around. When the pushing led to a fight, Ken got kicked out of the dorm.

And thus ends the compelling parable. That's it? Ha-ha!!! Ken looked at naked pictures which led to him being kicked out of the dorm. See how porn leads to no good? I couldn't be the fact that he lashed out physically against a gang of bullies that got him kicked out. No, it was the naughty little habit of looking at naked lady pictures. What a bunch of assholes those kids were. The amazing part is, this writer obviously has no problem with theses "guys" publicly humiliating and abusing Ken. In fact, in his eyes, it's something any heathen who looks at porno should expect. What a very Christian, forgiving attitude. But while that's where the story ends, the analysis continues on. They make some really great points in the paragraphs below.

Out from the shadows (oooh, spooky)

Ken's not the only one whose problem is now public — he's part of a trend identified at several Christian college campuses. Sixty-eight percent of the guys surveyed at five religiously affiliated schools recently said they had intentionally looked for porn online.2 In that survey by the National Coalition for the Protection of Children and Families (not too biased), 10 percent said they viewed porn frequently and five percent thought they had a problem with it.

The wiring of Christian colleges for Internet over the past few years pushed the issue into public view. School administrators can no longer deny a porn problem when they review logs of campus Internet activity filled with porn sites or watch late night spikes in telecom demand as students plug their modems into dorm room phone jacks. (Unlike the good ol' days when you could completely deny a priest's rape of an innocent boy without a care in the world.)

Additionally, campus pastors and counselors can't ignore the problem as more and more students come by telling how their old smut habits were accelerated via the convenience and affordability of Internet porn.

Talk about porn on the campus of a state school and students will say, "What's the big deal? It's not hurting anybody." Christian students usually know better. The same survey that looked at porn exposure on campus also asked about attitudes. While a majority of those interviewed had seen porn, they also agreed on three facts: Porn can be addictive, porn hurts relationships, and viewing porn is a sin that damages relationship with God.

So that means a lot of Christian students have a gap between their beliefs about pornography and their behavior. Like Paul, they do the things they don't want to do and are not able to do what they would like to do. Recognizing this gap, many Christian colleges now install filters on their Internet service, but they also go the next step and try to help students do the equivalent of installing a filter on their hearts. "This is a problem that can't be solved with technology (censorship) alone," says David Tilley, Vice President of Student Life at Lee University in Tennessee. (Lee University, huh? As in Robert E. Lee. What a nice school. Named after a slave owner who fought viciously to keep slavery for all in the South to enjoy. Here are just a few sentences from a letter to his wife in 1856: "The blacks are immeasurably better off here than in Africa, morally, socially & physically. The painful discipline they are undergoing, is necessary for their instruction as a race, & I hope will prepare & lead them to better things." Well at least he hopes for better things for them. When are we going to hear the point of view form the Vice President of Student LIfe at Hitler University?)

Lee, along with Taylor, Wheaton, Biola (what a gay name) and several other schools now look to special chapels, accountability groups, and innovative dorm programs to address sexual purity and to provide guys like Ken with a safe place to confess their struggles. (They need a safe place because otherwise students will beat the shit out of them and get them kicked out of their dorms apparently.) Their effort is paying off. During a recent revival at Biola University, several students confessed their Internet porn problem and were finally able to work towards freedom from a lifelong struggle. (Really, a lifelong struggle? They have been battling with their conscience since birth about whether or not to look at pictures of women sticking Coke cans in their vaginas?)

A Longing for Intimacy

Like those at Biola, many students have discovered that confession can break the cycle of shame driving their porn habit. "What drew me in deeper to pornography was the secrecy, shame, and guilt that is usually associated with it," says Brad* who struggled throughout college. "I felt like I couldn’t tell anyone about my problem, and this began to snowball. The deeper I became involved in pornography, the harder it was to climb out." (No, those quotes don't sound too manufactured.)

Here's how the cycle works. Whether they recognize it or not, guys like Ken and Brad need relational intimacy — they need for people to know them and like them (so, naturally, they write awful, nasty things on a blog) Early on, however, they realize that relationships can be awkward and complicated (especially when the relationship between them and their trusted family priest turns highly erotic.) Meanwhile, their needs are still strong and they see that pornography can at least give them some sense of satisfaction without all the complications of human relationships (no argument there.) Now they have a secret — a dirty little habit they don't want anyone to know about. They still need intimacy, but they think, "if anyone knew what I did last night, they wouldn't love me." And so they build walls that make it even harder to be known and loved. (All because they looked a purdy lady privates.)

Guys aren't known for sitting around and talking about an underlying need for intimacy (I don't know about you Christian faggots, but me and my homeboys often discuss the need for intimacy after we kick back with some juice boxes and red vines) . More often they can be found in testosterone-fueled conversations about the more physical aspects of sexuality (kissing, hugging, fisting etc...). But intimacy — that experience of being known and loved — is a powerful need that nevertheless drives sexual desire. That's why the act of intercourse was once described as "being known" (as in "David took her into his tent and knew her.") (So when they say "God knows you", that means he's fucking you?)

But who is "knowing" anybody when a guy stares at an airbrushed image on a computer screen (hey, "Throat yogurt 11" is NOT fucking airbrushed!) ? The tragedy is that pornography pretends to meet a need for intimacy while systematically making intimacy impossible. In his book, The Centerfold Syndrome, Dr. Gary Brooks (homo) explains that pornography erodes a man’s ability to relate to a woman in an intimate and honest way because it "pays scant attention to [his] needs for sensuality and intimacy while exalting [his] sexual needs."

An image of a woman without her clothes creates sexual excitement, but disconnected from marital closeness (marital only, people! There can be no closeness otherwise!) , it fails to deliver the closeness and oneness that complement visual stimulation. C. S. Lewis paints a great word picture for this in Mere Christianity (more like Queer Christianity) . "You must not isolate [sexual] pleasure and try to get it by itself," he says, "any more than you ought to try to get the pleasures of taste without swallowing and digesting, by chewing things and spitting them out again." (So he's making the case for swallowing over spitting? I'm on board.)

Worried that his porn habit had damaged his sexual appetite, a student named Tyler* vowed he wouldn't take a porn problem into his marriage. It wasn't easy, though. His commitment required him to fight back years of experiencing sex as a selfish and controlling act through pornography and masturbation (Please, what's wrong with masturbation? I mean, so what if a guy likes to touch a car battery electrodes to his wet taint whilst making an Atlantic Sea Bass ejaculate into his mouth? What's so wrong with that?) and to replace it with a selfless and intimate view of sex in the context of serving his wife. "Marriage won't cure a porn addiction, so don't wait until then to address it," Tyler says, "It isn't fair to your future wife and it shortchanges the relationship that God has for you."

The notion that intimacy heightens sexuality even made it to the hip and worldly pages of Men's Health magazine (ooh cutting edge!) recently. In a surprisingly critical look at Internet porn surfing, the writer questioned the value of sexual pleasure that is disconnected from a committed and intimate relationship. One of his better quotes comes from Carl, an oceanographer, who says, "It is a constant battle to remind myself, when arousal material is so easily accessed, that to attain a higher level of real sexual fulfillment takes intimacy."

One concept Men's Health magazine probably won't tackle, however, is the idea that real intimacy begins with God. In a fallen world, anyone who desires to be known deeply ( you mean fucked deeply as per your definition above?) and loved deeply will inevitably be disappointed by his or her relationships. Only God can know you and love you completely. Think about that. He's the only person who sees you around the clock and knows your every thought. He sees all the good things in you that you want the world to see, but He also sees all the bad stuff you want to hide. And remarkably, He loves you unconditionally. (Umm, then what is the fucking problem?)

In response, God asks that you love the people around you in the same way He loves you. Instead of being focused on having your needs for love and intimacy met by others, God calls you to receive His love ( wow, is that erotic literature or what?) and then focus on loving others. So what it comes down to is this. Pornography promises something like intimacy and then cheats you of real intimacy twice. First it pushes a wedge between you and God — the only one who can know (again, by their definition that is "fucking") and love you completely. And secondly it gets you so focused on your own desires that you are unable to know and love anyone else in an intimate relationship.

C.S. Lewis provides another illustration offering a clear distinction between the brief and counterfeit pleasures of pornography compared with the eternal and abundant promises of intimacy with God. "We are half-hearted creatures," he says, "fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mudpies in the slums ( no, I don't own the xxx DVD release of "Making mudpies in the slums") because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea." His next line is the clincher: "We are far too easily pleased.." (Gay.)

The scary thing about all of this is that "Focus on the Family" is a very influential group in this country and can influence those who are easily led (ie, Christians) to do whatever they want, so get ready to watch Sarah Palin take the Oath of Office. Yay!!!!!!

Not too knowed up.

For BP

2008-09-16T06:27:00.000-07:00

This is for BP, the amazingly talented Art Director who created my new logo:

"My shoes hurt."

He fuckin' knows what it means. And if any of you had any sense of humor at all, then you would too. But I trust most of you are retarded (like Bob LaMonta's parents) and have never seen this bit of genius from the woefully underrated "Mr. Show":

Not too strong, like the Hulk.

Even the Cunt of all cunts doesn't think this cunt should be in office.

2008-09-11T12:17:00.000-07:00

Cunt.

Read Gloria Steinem's excellent point of view on fellow cunt Sarah Palin right here.

Not too Women's libby.

You have to see this

2008-09-09T07:08:00.000-07:00

More McCain hypocrisy spotlighted by the geniuses at the Daily Show.

Fucking, cocksucking liars

2008-09-08T08:33:00.001-07:00

Hypocrisy. It's what the republican party is all about. I won't bore you with my usual angry tirade though. Instead I'll let the genius of John Stewart and his brilliant writing staff do it. Check out this clip from The Daily Show.

Not too lazy.

Well, now she has two retards to take care of.

2008-09-04T08:46:00.000-07:00

Sarah Palin, the lying cunt Vice-Presidential nominee from Alaska, now has another retarded person in her life to take care of; Senator John McCain. Last night ABC news aired an interview by Charles Gibson in which the Senator was asked about Palin's credentials. Here is one of his answers (ver-fucking-batim).

Gibson: Can you honestly say you feel confident having someone who hasn't travelled outside of the United States until last year dealing with an insurgent Russia, with an Iran with nuclear ambitions, with an unstable Pakistan? Not to mention the war on terror?

McCain: Sure. And one of the key elements of America's security requirements are energy. She understands the energy issues better than anyone I know in Washington, D.C. And she understands that Alaska is right next to Russia. She understands that.

HA-HA-HA!!! Are you joking? She understands that Alaska is next to Russia? Oh thank God she understands that. What an accomplishment. I think her four month old Downs-syndrome child understand that. What the fuck kind of answer is that? It's embarrassing. Well that sounds just like the kind of person we need to be second in command behind your decrepit ass, McCain.

SIDE NOTE: The GOP convention has been full of lies. To see them side-by-side with the facts that disprove what was said, read this nice, quick story here

Not too retarded.

Feces

2008-09-03T07:10:00.001-07:00

A pile of horse shit

A pile of dog shit

A pile of rabbit shit

A pile of worthless shit

Not too shitty.

Your kid, your fucking problem. Deal with it, fuckhole.

2008-08-22T17:25:00.000-07:00

Whoa, whoa, whoa. You gotta be fucking kidding me. You think you deserve a special spot in a parking lot because you made the dumb-ass choice to have a kid? This spot was actually closer to the storefront entrance than the spots reserved for the handicapped. Seriously--your ugly ass deserves a break more than the soldier just back from Iraq who lost his leg in the fucking desert? Let's see--the selfless veteran who served his country against the selfish bitch who needed a child because she's bored with her husband's cock and needs a distraction? Fuck you and your child-bearing hole. From what I can see, most mothers with infants could use a little exercise--maybe a few extra steps in the parking lot would help your husband forget the bloody head emerging from your stretched va-high-na and overlook the cobwebby stretch marks gracing your belly, fatty.

Not too jealous of motherhood.

The August "People Who Should Have Been Aborted" post

2008-08-19T07:19:00.000-07:00

This is the first in a series of monthly posts making the case for very, very, extremely late-term abortions.

The following people should've been aborted long ago but thanks to science (and coat-hangers) it's still not too late.

Tyler Perry

This guy is funny? How can anyone think that? He's a bland, awful "humorist." He'd be a lot funnier if he became a blended blob of goo in the bottom of some doctor's trash can in 1969.

Pete Wentz

What in the FUCK has he and his pouty fucking puss face ever contributed to society? Shittier than shit music? Abort him.

Pat Robertson

This piece of shit has wiped his dirty asshole with the U.S. constitution so many times. The scary part is, he's made an impact. Every one of his followers should be aborted too, probably, but once he's gone maybe they'll see the light. Speaking of which, I'm gonna pray now. Dear Lord, oh heavenly father, please, please, please make it possible for Pat Robertson to crawl back inside his mother's vagina so that I may then beat her belly with an aluminum bat like a piñata until a bloody Pat oozes out onto the floor. Amen.

Nobes

Yes even me (as seen above watching tv on a typical Thursday night) probably should have been aborted. I'm sure I'm not the first to think this. I'm fairly certain many of you, after reading this post, will think I should be aborted immediately. And I'm pretty sure my mom wished I'd been aborted many times as well over the years. It's probably why she made toys for me out of wire coat-hangers when I was little. She was hoping I'd do it myself.

(NOTE: I chose, and will continue to choose, famous people for this list because, quite frankly, it would be hard to get pictures of the people I run into in everyday life that should have been aborted. Like that fat waddling fuck I just encountered on the street who was so unaware of her surroundings- probably because she was dreaming of creamy cakes- to move out of the way of the horde of people stuck behind her fat, slow, ambling ass. An abortion for all the slow fucks out there would be nice. It's the only thing in their lazy, inconsiderate lives that would be over quickly.)

Not too aborty.

Douche Fucking Bag

2008-08-13T11:21:00.001-07:00

You know who deserves to have their entrails ripped out and fed back to them? Anyone who ever -EVER - wears a Thelonious Monk t-shirt. You fucking pretentious bullshitting shitter. Fuck you. You don't like that fucking music, just admit it. Black, white, Asian, I don't care what you are, the bottom line is you are a fucking pompous joke. Suck it, you phonies.

Not too stolen from Spanish Johnny

Eww, it's a monster! Kill it! Kill it!!!

2008-08-12T15:36:00.000-07:00

Well, kill the one on the right anyway.

Hooray for China! They chose a cute little girl with a perfect smile to represent their country instead of a crooked-toothed hideous monster. Guess what, little girl, you learned a good lesson today; life sucks. Especially for ugly people. Although in all fairness, the crooked toothed girl isn't ugly at all. She's still cute. But guess what, lesson number two is no matter how good-looking you are, there's always someone better looking. And they're going to beat you every time. Doesn't matter if they can't sing. Or talk. Or even wipe themselves properly. The world is shallow and will appreciate beauty over all else every time, so grow the fuck up and get used to losing, loser.

The other, more interesting slant on this story is how people, particularly in the U.S., are so up in arms over this offense by China. Guess what assholes, China has murdered, oppressed and otherwise destroyed the lives of millions of people. But nooooo, let's get all upset because the little girl's feelings were probably hurt because she was deemed too ugly to be on the tellyvision. You gotta be fucking kidding me. Is this really so worthy of public outcry? I can hear some mother in Wisconsin right now whining about how detrimental this experience will be to that little girl. What that mother will neglect to add is "just like when I was a little girl and the kids called me Fatty McFattenfat." Yes, everyone is transferring the hurt feelings they experienced as a kid into this little girl. But of course she's not even remotely in the same situation they were in as a child. In fact, little miss crocodile-mouth is lucky to be alive. Most little girls are killed in China before they even have the chance to be overlooked for some prettier girl. The infanticide rate for females in China is unbelievably high (I know, I checked one source.). And yet, no one in America says a thing about that. And how about how China treats their very own Olympic athletes? The government literally plucks these kids from their homes - when they're as young as 3 years-old- and whisks them away to train day-in and day-out for the next 13 years. And life is so fucking bad there that the parents agree to it because it means they'll get treated a little better, maybe get an extra loaf of fucking bread for themselves. America says nothing. So I think everyone needs to relax about the little semi-cute kid being put behind a curtain to hide her jagged fucking freak teeth. She's going to be fine. When she grows up, I'm sure she'll be delighted to clean the asshole of the cuter girl's dog for a living.

Not too infanticidey.

Didn't they already invent one of these?

2008-08-11T08:38:00.000-07:00

Yeah, in high school it was called a marching-band uniform.

Scientists closer to developing invisibility cloak

AP Associated Press

Scientists say they are a step closer to developing materials that could render people and objects invisible.

Researchers have demonstrated for the first time they were able to cloak three-dimensional objects using artificially engineered materials that redirect light around the objects. Previously, they only have been able to cloak very thin two-dimensional objects.

The findings, by scientists at the University of California, Berkeley, led by Xiang Zhang, are to be released later this week in the journals Nature and Science.

The new work moves scientists a step closer to hiding people and objects from visible light, which could have broad applications, including military ones.

Not too topical.

Just watch this fuckin' show already!

2008-08-07T10:17:00.000-07:00

I'm desperate for new entertainment these days. TV pretty much blows. So I'm forced to watch the few really good shows that were deemed too good for dumb fuck American viewers so they were cancelled. Like, say, Mr. Show. Or, Arrested Development.

Well now I have struck a new comedy gold mine. It is the hit Canadian show called "Trailer Park Boys" and it's one of the funniest fucking things I've ever seen. Like most good shows (Simpson's, Seinfeld) this show took a little time to get really good. I recommend you begin with season 3. If you like it as much as I do, you'll surely want to go back and see the first two seasons.

How do I explain Trailer Park Boys? Crude, would be one way. They say fuck way more than I do, God bless 'em. And it's shot "cinema verite" style so it feels like a "mockumentary." But very rarely do they acknowledge the cameras following them around. It's not like that shitty pile of shitness known as the American version of "The Office" where Jim and Pam look at the cameras constantly. And it's actually brilliantly funny, unlike The Office. So basically it's the story these three guys living in a trailer park in Canada. They drink, smoke, steal, grow weed, scheme and go to jail. In fact, at the beginning of each season the boys get out of jail and at the end of each season, they go back. Don't worry, I'm not ruining anything for you by telling you this. Besides, the guys love jail. They literally think of it like summer camp. They do have a nemesis, of course, and he is equally as brilliant as them. And like any great show (ie The Simpsons) the supporting characters are just as funny as the main characters. I'm not really doing it any justice. In fact, I'm making it sound not funny at all. If you don't trust me, check out this clip right here. The only pre-sell I'm going to give you about this clip is that the character "Bubbles" does not always have a puppet on his hand. It was in this episode only and the puppet was evil. Oh, and Ricky, the one with a rag glued to his nose, fiercely hates "Conky" the puppet.

Seasons 1-5 are available on Netflix. And all seven seasons can be bought on Amazon. I've purchased them all except the "Dope & Liquor Christmas special." I'm saving that for the holidays.

AVOID TRAILER PARK BOYS: THE MOVIE. It blows.

Not too fuckin' funny, eh?

Mmm...dried apricots

2008-08-04T13:40:00.000-07:00

So I was flying home from California a few weeks ago and there was a three year-old kid in front of me. But guess what, that wasn’t the problem. Actually, there was no problem at all on the flight until we landed. The plane taxied to the terminal and stopped. Of course, everyone immediately jumped into action to grab their bags from the overhead compartment as if the plane were on fire. Even the people around me did it and we were in row fucking 32 of 35. I mean, fuck people, I don’t care how fast the d-bags in first class move (and they won’t) you’re not getting off any faster because you were the first one to retrieve your bag. It’s not a God-damned contest. Just fucking relax. You’ll get off when the stewardesses (that’s right you old fucking bags, you’re stewardesses not “attendants”) say you can get off.

(Sidebar: I stand corrected. There was a problem and it happened when we were on the ground in L.A. The stewardesses were going around checking the cabin for take off when I politely asked one “Excuse me, can you tell me how many rows there are between me and the emergency exit? I forgot to count on my way in,” I sheepishly continued. This fucking monster of a whore, old bag of used up cockpit rubbers (huh?) told me tersely “I don’t know, count them.” I was totally flabbergasted. First of all, I’m a fucking pussy when I fly, I’ll admit it. I’m convinced the plane is doomed every time. So in my extensive research preparing for a crash I’ve always heard from all the experts that knowing how many rows there are between you and the emergency exit can literally save your life. How in the fuck does this dried apricot cunt not know that? Or respect that? Fuck her. Second, it’s hard to count the rows when you’re fucked up on 30 milligrams of valium. I couldn’t accurately count the rows. I figured she’s on planes all the time, she should know. And, quite honestly, she should praise me for my diligence. It could only help her in the case of an accident. You know, after all those years of dangerous flying, I hope she gets off her final flight safely, sheds a tear as the crew bids her farewell and then joyously leaves the airport, only to be crushed by a Hertz bus as she steps off the curb to go to her car. Hertz, bitch, don’t it? (not too witty)

Anyfuckingway, like I was saying, the rest of the flight was quite pleasant. Until we got to the gate in Boston. The little kid was understandably squirmy. So, in a ridiculously transparent effort to share her pain with the rest of the people on board, she propped her little man up on the seat so he could marvel everyone with his amazing cuteness. (Note: he was not cute). The amazing thing was, everyone took the bait. They started asking him his name and how old he was. He said he was “three and a quarter.” Three and a quarter!! Oh how adorable. Everyone laughed like they’d never heard such a thing! Oh my how precocious. The mother beamed, stupid whore that she was. I stared at the kid with death eyes, hoping he’d see only those black holes in my head and not everyone’s joyous faces. But he didn’t. And good thing too, it really wasn’t his fault. These people were eating out of his hands. So then the kid starts saying “are we here?” And then repeats it ad nauseam until one guy – a guy I’d like to see burned alive – says “Yep. It’s all because of you that we made it.” This seemed to please the kid. Of course, it sent my eyes rolling so far back in my head I could see my asshole. Mind you, this guy was not related to the kid, which would’ve made the comment annoying but less so. No, this guy was a complete stranger. And he felt the need to make this kid feel like the Messiah, why?? The extra sickening part was that everyone agreed, just to appease this little faggot. I mean, what the fuck, is this the kid from the Twilight Zone movie? You know the one, where he gets everything he wants and his parents walk on eggshells around him because he has the ability to turn them into monsters and shit? Oh never mind, it’s a dumb reference. Anyway, let’s all take it easy on kids these days, okay? They’re not getting enough attention and praise. They probably have no idea they are loved. Oh the poor kids of today, it must be so hard for them.

Not too apricotty.

I'm back, faggots.

2008-07-29T08:17:00.000-07:00

So who's waiting with baited breath to hear the latest Nobes rant? (cue the crickets chirping sound effects). Well, fuck you. I'm doing it anyway. Today I want to talk about how utterly useless you are. Yes you. Or, more accurately, that thing which defines you as a person. And, if you are like 95% of Americans, that would be your job. Do you really think your job is so important? Let me assure you, it's not. It's certainly not so important that you've got to be on your Blackberry (or crackberry as some nutsuckers call it) constantly? Or your gay bluetooth headset? In a fucking crowded elevator? Or on a treadmill in the gym? Or, and I swear I saw this the other day, on your bicycle while your supposedly out on a leisurely ride? Are you joking? I so badly want to jam that fucking thing so deep in your ear that I reach a lobe of your useless brain. God that would be so satisfying. Just to watch someone die as a direct result of their bluetooth headset.

Well my guess is, that happens a lot. I'm sure many fatal car accidents are caused by assholes on their phones. I could do research on that pretty easily but I don't want to. I know it's true. The point is, it's not the phones that are so annoying. It's the dickwarts who think they're so unbelievably important that they absolutely must be heard no matter where they are. I heard a guy today (and let me clarify here that I didn't OVERhear him. He was in my elevator speaking with more volume than if he were actually stuck in the elevator and had to communicate with outside rescue teams by yelling up the elevator shaft. So I wasn't eavesdropping) talking to someone in his office. What he was saying is of little significance. Not to the story. But to Life in general. What he was saying was so unbelievably mundane and meaningless but he tried to make it sound important. Of course he did, if he didn't make his job seem important he might actually realize what a useless piece of shit he really is in this world. Contributing nothing.

Fuck this. I don't have it in me today to continue this rant. I'm going to see Springsteen tomorrow night. I can't possibly be angry.

Not too much of a waste of your time.

Ha-ha-ha-ha! A kid fell off a chair next me!

2008-07-28T12:05:00.000-07:00

So I was eating in Panera the other day when a little girl fell off her chair and hurt herself. Now, take it easy, I'm not that sadistic. I don't find kids getting hurt to be funny (most of the time). What I DO find funny, however, is how fucking retarded many parents act when their kid does get hurt. Now on this particular occasion, this little girl was being a bit of a pain in the ass so she kinda had it coming to her, thus the slight smile on my face that broke out when she fell. The kid could not sit still in her chair. She was about 4-5 years-old, and she just had to move around constantly, jumping up and down and rocking in the chair. I kinda understand this. I can barely sit still when I'm eating with my family too. But when I was a kid, my mom would tell me to "stop fidgeting!" and give me the almighty forearm pinch to prove she meant business. I was still as a corpse after that. But parents these days wouldn't dream of doing that. Not to their best little friend in the world! Uggh, grow up, assholes. Your kid is not your friend. But I digress.

So as usual, this little girl's parents were either sick and tired of her or they were so enamored of their child (more likely) that they wouldn't dream of telling her to sit still and act like a human being living in a civilized society. "Oh no, we would never stifle her like that!" So naturally, the kid fell. Hard. She fell back in her chair and landed on her wrist and immediately started crying. God, I can hardly write about it without laughing out loud. OH RELAX, I'm fucking kidding. I was not happy when she started crying. Not because I felt sorry for her, mind you, but because I knew what was soon to follow. The unbelievable over-reaction from the parents. And like clockwork, it came. Just to help set the scene, this kid was at a table with her mother, father and the mother's friend who was there with her 2 year-old. As soon as the girl fell, the mother went straight into perhaps the funniest part of the whole ritual, panic mode. "Oh my God," she exclaimed. Ummm, the kid fell less than 15 inches, calm the fuck down, Sweetie. The father continued to eat, alert to the situation but unmoved. The mom swooped up the girl and propped her up on her lap. The girl immediately stopped crying. Situation over, right? Oh fuck no! Not in a million years. Surely little Aubry has stopped crying because she is going into hypovolemic shock. (It's a word, look it up!) Her lack of tears and heavy sobbing must betray the splintered bones and shattered cartilage within! So the mom took a handful of ice from her drink and applied it to the kid's completely unharmed wrist. Again, I can hardly type this without laughing out loud. What a joke! The girl wasn't even hurt in the least and here the mom was applying ice (from her scummy drink, no less!). Classic. All the while this is happening, the other woman, the friend, is sitting silent. Either embarrassed as hell or so totally immersed in her precious 2 tear-old to even care about her friend's child's injury. Either way, I hate her. She came there purely to talk about "mothering" with her friend and I find that absolutely detestable. Two (or more) mothers getting together to discuss being a mother and how hard it is but yet soooooo rewarding, never realizing that they've completely lost their real identities. They no longer are "Sarah" or "Meghan" that their husband fell in love with. Now they are "Mom." Sweet, just what every guy wants to fuck. Anyhooooooo, back to Panera Bread and the girl without an injury. So now the dad decides it's time to get involved. He gets up and takes a look at the girl's arm. He analyzes it for a moment and then says - and this is the best fucking part!- "hmmm, is that where you hit it or is that a mosquito bite?" He said this without a bit of irony or humor. He was dead-serious. HA-HA!!! Are you kidding me? This mom is freaking out over a bump that they can't be sure isn't a mosquito bite? I was almost sad to finish my meal. Actually no, that's not true. It all seems funny now, but at the time, I was seething with furious rage. And this last little bit I'm about to tell you didn't help. So as my wife and I are leaving we overhear the parents discussing the safety of the chair. The mother was actually saying "well these chairs are so top heavy, I don't know..." Top heavy? Your God-damned fat-headed kid is top heavy, bitch! Don't get all lawsuity on Panera because you're kid couldn't sit still in it's seat and you didn't have the balls to tell it to cut it the fuck out. Fucking idiot. Fuck you!

Not too bready.