Asshat Hollywood

Michael Lohan is not allowed at Lindsay's wedding

2008-07-24T13:10:00.004-04:00

Lindsay Lohan has reportedly banned her father from attending a party she and girlfriend Samantha Ronson are throwing at Hollywood's Peninsula Hotel on August 8th for "their closest friends and family." Hmmm, wonder what kind of party this is.

Lindsay allegedly even hired extra security to make sure only people on the guest list are let in. The reason she doesn't want Michael there is because he doesn't approve of Lindsay and Sam's relationship. A source told Britain's Daily Star newspaper: "Michael thinks Lindsay is just going through another phase and that she will end up getting hurt. He thinks it is embarrassing."

Are you listening E!? Why not follow Lindsay's lead and ban Dina from your airwaves?

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You have got to be fucking kidding

2008-07-24T12:41:00.003-04:00

"GROUP SEX! GROUP SEX! GROUP SEX!"

Ok, this really pissed me off. Are you ready?

MTV is remaking The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

And the executive producer of the original 1975 movie, Lou Adler, is giving it his blessing by overseeing the remake! He says he hopes the movie will be ready in time for Halloween next year.

Can somebody please flip the Medusa switch and turn everyone involved in this into statues and then just forget this even happened? Seriously, where's Tim Curry?

This is so not cool.

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One freaking dollar??

2008-07-24T11:54:00.007-04:00

Damn, Obama's kind of a cheapass!

Barack and his wife gave an interview to PEOPLE where they talk about their family and life at home with their two daughters, 10-year old Malia and Sasha, 7.

In the interview, Barack reveals that Malia's allowance is only $1.00 a week. And he's past due on payments!

Here's the excerpt:

Do you give your girls an allowance?

Michelle: Sorta, kinda. [Laughs]

Barack: I'm out of town all the time, so Malia will say, "Hey, you owe me 10 weeks!" ... Originally, we were giving her a dollar a week as long as she did all her chores. It turns out that she's been doing her chores even without prompting from the allowance, which makes me feel guilty that she's been carrying on her end of the bargain and I haven't been as consistent.

Maybe this is what we need for our suffering economy. At least we know he won't overspend tax dollars. Or does this mean he's in favor of illegal aliens?

Because we are a non-partisan site and believe in equal-opportunity political snark, here is a clip of John McCain squirming uncomfortably while trying to skirt the issue when asked what he thought of the opinion that it is unfair that insurance companies cover Viagra, but not birth control:

Crikey, that's creepy!

2008-07-24T11:39:00.002-04:00

I know if I were a 10 year old girl, I'd want nothing more on my birthday than to eat my dead father's face.

That shit's a perfect candidate for this awesome website.

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Wonder what Natalie Portman has been doing lately?

2008-07-23T10:59:00.004-04:00

Well besides what appears to be the dude Sarah leaves her boyfriend for in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, not really that much. Unless you count starring in her boyfriend's Bollywoodesque music video.

At least, I hope that's a music video I'm watching and not an acid flashback.

Because it's never too early to teach your children about smoking

2008-07-23T10:52:00.002-04:00

As in "how to."

They should give Brit her own TRUTH commercial.

Happy Birthday Slash!

2008-07-23T10:31:00.003-04:00

Guitar hero, living legend, and one of the most awesome people ever, Saul Hudson turns 43 today!!!

To celebrate, here's a video of a great Slash solo from the infamous St. Louis riot show back in 91. Right after his solo, they break into "Rocket Queen"(my favorite song of all time), and shortly after they start is when Axl loses his shit and jumps into the crowd to beat up some guy with a camera. Enjoy!

It's Baby Levi!!!

2008-07-23T10:11:00.002-04:00

How much you wanna bet that kid's first words are "Alright alright"?

ENOUGH!

2008-07-22T13:52:00.013-04:00

Ok, who else is SOOOO sick and tired of that stupid ode to faux-lesbianism "I Kissed A Girl"?

Seriously, it is scientifically impossible to hit "scan" on your radio and not have that damn song come up on at least three stations at the same time! It is so fucking annoying. Even more annoying? Those drunk ass girls who think they're being all sexy by making out with each other at clubs when it really just reeks of desperation because they are just doing it to get approval from some nasty hootin' and hollerin' frat boys. Thanks for encouraging this behavior even more Katy Perry!

(NOTE: Not that I even need to say it, but I would just like to point out that I have no problem at all with the gay and lesbian community, you all know the shit I'm talking about.)

So now this Katy Perry chick is getting her fifteen minutes for being soooo shocking. Yeah, ok, please. This shit was already done like 10 years ago. Newsflash: Girl on girl kissing isn't so risque anymore. It's 2008, look at all the famous mainstream lesbians: Ellen DeGeneres, Melissa Etheridge, Rosie O'Donnell, Clay Aiken! So sorry Katy Perry, you and the dude who wrote this song for you suck.

Know what's still shocking in 2008? Bestiality, that's what. Fucking animals! So with that in mind, I revised your song for you Katy. You're welcome.

This may be hard to understand
Please, no intervention
I’m not ashamed, I’ll take a stand
Against repression
Try not to misconstrue
I’m gonna drop a bomb
I'm asking you to hold
Your condescension

I fucked a squirrel and I liked it
I know you might think that is sick
I fucked a squirrel, won’t deny it
Hope rabies didn't transmit
It felt so small
It felt so slight
Gonna store some nuts tonight
I fucked a squirrel and I liked it
I liked it

No, I don't think that I’m insane
Your opinion don’t matter
It’s not a detrimental shame
I just love nature
It's not what, humans do
He’s my hot furry game
It’s not rodent abuse
PETA stay the fuck away!

I fucked a squirrel and I liked it
Ain’t that some crazy-ass shit?
I fucked a squirrel, not implying it
Rodents don’t just make Richard Gere tick
Made up this song
Easy to write
I’ll be a success overnight
I fucked a squirrel and I liked it
I liked it

This love is inexplicable
That fur, that tail, screw "permissible"
Prefer Rocky to Bullwinkle
Don't knock it 'til you try it
Roadkill appeal; that acorn scent!

I fucked a squirrel and I liked it
Doesn’t that make me a wild chick?
I fucked a squirrel, won’t deny it
But his teeth did hurt a bit
This could be wrong
Am I alright?
Didn’t take my meds tonight
I fucked a squirrel, and I….
I FUCKED A SQUIRREL???

OH SHIT, CARRRR!!!!!!!

RIP Estelle Getty

2008-07-22T13:44:00.002-04:00

Estelle passed away this morning at the age of 84. She had been suffering from Lewy Body Dementia.

Thank you for being a friend. :(

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Holy accusations Batman!!

2008-07-22T13:25:00.003-04:00

Christian Bale was arrested in London today for alleged assault on his mother and sister!

Apparently, Christian "lashed out" at his mother Jenny, 61, and sister Sharon, 40 on Sunday at London's Dorchester hotel. They were staying there for the UK premiere of The Dark Knight.

Christian has not been charged with anything yet but in England it is policy to arrest a suspect before questioning them! Guilty until proven innocent!

Attorneys for Christian released the following statement:

"Christian Bale attended a London police station today, on a voluntary basis, in order to assist with an allegation that had been made against him to the police by his mother and sister," the star's lawyers said in the statement. "Mr. Bale who denies the allegation, co-operated throughout, gave his account in full of the events in question, and has left the station without any charge being made against him by the police. At this time, there will be no further comment by Mr. Bale."

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Time to play: How Low Will the Paparazzi Go?

2008-07-21T13:50:00.004-04:00

Halle Berry is the one celebrity mother who refuses to sell out her new baby.

What to do? What to do?

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Flea Bomb maybe...

2008-07-21T13:28:00.003-04:00

So one of the Kardashians who isn't Kim, Khloe, was arrested on drunk driving charges and served her three hour sentence Friday. She was supposed to serve 30 days, but her time was reduced due to overcrowding and because she posed a threat to the prison population, or so she told Ryan Seacrest on his radio show this morning.

Are you ready for this? Khloe said, "There was a bomb threat. They put me in solitary confinement and the warden came down to talk to me and said, 'You're the one causing all the problems here. ... There are all these bomb threats, and we think they're because of you.'"

Khloe also said she had to watch an "intense" instructional video about "how to be a good inmate" and to avoid fights and getting a staph infection.

Write your own joke.

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Fergie and Slash

2008-07-21T13:24:00.004-04:00

You know, most of Fergie's songs annoy the ever-loving shit out of me, but I always thought she was a pretty cool person. I mean, she admitted to a meth problem and wetting herself and she likes Taco Bell and Mustangs. Not to mention Kids Incorporated. And now this seals her status as "awesome" in my book.

Jessica Simpson: She's just like you!

2008-07-21T13:09:00.005-04:00

Jessica Simpson's new career as a country star isn't going too well.

She was booed at her debut performance at the Country Thunder USA Festival in Twin Lakes, Wisconsin. She came on after Kellie Pickler, who people cheered for! That's bad.

A concertgoer, Adam Matos, 21 was quoted as saying "I just don't hear the country in her; I don't hear the twang. She's not good enough to be here."

Jessica attempted stop the boos by saying, "I don't know what your perception is of Jessica Simpson or what tabloid you buy, but I just want you to know that I'm just a girl from Texas; I'm just like you. I'm doing what I love and dating a boy."

Because the people of Wisconsin are all just girls from Texas.

Won't those Simpson sisters ever learn? When you get booed, you GO AWAY!
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Back

2008-07-18T10:00:00.010-04:00

Hey Bitches (any bitches even still there?),

So I'm back from an unplanned (and unwanted) sabbatical. Life really sucks sometimes, but no one ever said it wasn't going to.

You just have to deal with some things and always try to remember that no matter how bad things seem to be, there's always someone else in a worse situation. Yeah, it's kind of a selfish way of thinking ("this shit sucks, but at least it doesn't suck as much as what those other people are going through.."), but it makes you thankful for the positive things that you do have, and the most important thing you could have is hope, which I'm really thankful to have, because some people don't even get to have that.

So anyway, apparently I missed the most monumental event of the year.

Yeah, the birth of Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline Jolie-Pitt of course!

Speaking of, here's a perfect example of what I was talking about earlier about things sucking but other things sucking more for somebody else. Angelina and Brad's new twins being born sucks for Shiloh, who is now old news. However, it sucks more for Jennifer Aniston, who, for no matter how long she and Brad are divorced will continually be expected to comment on every development in Brad and Angelina's relationship for the rest of her life and will always have to say how happy she is for them so she comes off as the bigger person when she really wants to say "FUCK THEM BOTH, I HOPE THEIR MUTANT BABIES LOOK LIKE SLOTH FROM THE GOONIES!"

Nicole Kidman (above, post-birth) also recently gave birth to that tiny baby she's been carrying around. This sucks for her husband Keith Urban, because now he'll no longer have his wife to himself. However, this sucks even more for Nicole's other two (adopted) children, Connor and Isabella, because now they'll be down to only one photo opp with their mom per year instead of two.

See, how this works?

I missed yet another baby's birth..or is it baby giving birth? Jamie Lynn Spears popped out her little bundle of joy too! This sucks for Jamie, the father, their families, Jamie's career, Planned Parenthood, Zoey 101 fans, etc. But it sucks more for parents of teenagers who on top of trying to teach their children about sex and responsibility, will have to also explain what is wrong with a national magazine treating a 16 year old mother like a celebrity and paying her millions for a cover story.

In non-baby news, the long-awaited and much-hyped Batman sequel, "The Dark Knight" opened last night to rave reviews. This sucks for Jack Nicholson, who was reportedly pretty pissy in the past that he wasn't asked to reprise his role as the Joker for the film and is probably even more pissy now that everyone's going on and on about Heath Ledger's amazing performance. But it sucks even more for the costume designer from "Batman and Robin" who is now working at the Real Doll factory.

So when faced with something bad in your life, always remember: This shit sucks, but there's always somebody else going through suckier shit.

SPLIT

2008-07-03T09:38:00.002-04:00

There may have been something to those Madonna rumors after all. The New York Daily News has reported that Alex Rodriguez and his wife Cynthia have officially have split.

The anonymous source said A-Rod and Cynthia have been having``problems'' for about three months.

Yesterday there were rumors that Cynthia was on a romantic getaway with Lenny Kravitz (who also share the same manager as A-Rod and Madonna) but her mother denied that rumor: ``She is not! I know that.''

First pic of one of Angelina's babies!!!

2008-07-02T12:53:00.003-04:00

Look, Shiloh's holding her:

HAHAHAHA!! Gotcha!!! That's not a real baby! And, Zahara rules!

Saint Angelina's obstetrician, Dr. Michel Sussmann, held that press conference to let the people of the world know that...................Angelina has NOT yet given birth. Are you freaking kidding??

The doctor did assure everyone that Angie is ok.

"Everything is normal. She is very well, and she's okay. ... Brad and Angelina want everyone to know that everything is going well."

He added that "The babies will arrive in the weeks to come."

WEEKS???!!!! They are playing with our emotions!!! Dirty French teases!

Dr. Sussman said that the reason Angelina was in the hospital was because, "It is simply a visit of surveillance, no birth," and that "she will stay in the hospital until the birth. I will stay with her."

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What the hell kind of a famewhore is this doctor anyway? Who holds a freaking press conference for their patient?

THIS JUST IN: Madonna and Guy Ritchie have hired Dr. Michel Sussmann as their new spokesperson. Dr. Sussmann held another press conference and in it he assured everyone that "Everything is normal. They are very well. ... Madonna and Guy want everyone to know that everything is going well."

The best news you'll hear all day!!!

2008-07-02T12:20:00.006-04:00

No, not Angelina's twins!

Brenda Walsh is coming to the new 90210!!!!!!

Shannen Doherty is reportedly in talks with producers about guest starring on the new series!

A source has said that the only things standing in the way of a role for Shannon are her demand for more money and her request for advance notice of plotlines. “She wants to know what the story is going to be first,” the source said.

GIVE HER WHATEVER SHE WANTS!!!!!!

So now we have Kelly, Donna, and (maybe) Brenda returning for the new show. Next, they need to work on getting Emily Valentine. And she needs to have the rattail again. Between her and the New Kids reunion, rattails are going to make a comeback! Just like leggings did! Oh! And then they should get Nat, of course, and Val, who was almost as awesome as Brenda, and Jackie--who was way too awesome to be Kelly's mother, and that one black guy that played basketball, and their chunky friend who wasn't good-looking enough for the main credits, and Dylan's friend Jonesy, and the transvestite that hooked up with Steve and stole his car, and Reek, oh and the guy that tried to rape Donna, and the guy that tried to kill himself because Donna wouldn't go out with him, and Ray Pruitt to push Donna down the stairs again, and Rex Manning (remember when Brenda pretended she was older?), I can't stop!, ok and Colin the cokehead artist, and that creepy cokedealer dude that Kelly made out with, and the anti-semitic band that David managed, and JEREMY JORDAN, Alright!, and Professor Finlay!!! Oh, but no Claire Arnold, because she was annoying. And no Andrea Zuckerman, because she was boring. Ok, now that would be an awesome show! Fuck those new people--send them over to Gossip Girl! You too Rebecca Katsopolis.

To celebrate Brenda's return, here's a touching Brenda and Dylan tribute I found on YouTube set to Tiffany's beautiful hit, "Could've Been."

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This proves the rumors are false!!!

2008-07-02T11:54:00.003-04:00

"Would you please stop hi-fiving people in Yankees caps?"

Madonna and Guy Ritchie had a nice normal dinner together in New York's Cesca restaurant last night and even held hands! Wow!! Way to prove everybody wrong!! See people, they are FINE!

A diner at the restaurant said they looked "like a normal couple that just wanted to have a nice dinner out. They looked very unassuming. Not like they were looking for attention. Everyone was whispering and saying, 'Wow, that was Madonna. She is supposed to be separating from her husband. I can't believe she is here.'"

Ok, this source is obviously a tourist because no way in hell would a real New Yorker be that naive.

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BREAKING NEWS!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-07-02T11:46:00.004-04:00

Angelina Jolie is in a hospital in Nice RIGHT NOW!!!

Her doctor is going to address the media at 11:30 E.T.

The hospital's spokeswoman issued the following statement: "Madame Jolie's doctor will be updating her condition at the hospital and giving medical details. Madame Jolie is doing very well."

Wait a minute, it's after 11:30 and I can't find the doctor's report. I NEED TO KNOW MADAME JOLIE'S MEDICAL STATUS!!!! I CANNOT WAIT!!! MY MERE MORTAL LIFE IS MEANINGLESS!!!

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Save him Jazzy Jeff!!!

2008-07-01T15:17:00.008-04:00

Will Smith reunited with DJ Jazzy Jeff at the premiere party for his new movie Hancock last night. The two performed many of their hits and reminded the crowd of a time long ago before Will was brainwashed by Scientology.

The crowd started chanting "Save Him Jeff!" during "Gettin' Jiggy Wit It" but Jeff knew there was no use once they broke into the theme song from The Fresh Prince of Bel Air and Will started rapping:

In West Los Angeles one summer day
On a movie set, I was at the buffet
Chillin' out and having some chocolate fondue
When I was approached by my co-star Tom Cruise
Then a couple of guys
They were all dressed in blue
Started asking if I ever heard of Xenu
I tried to be polite and act like I cared
Then they said “You need an audit” and strapped me into a chair

A limo pulled up
And when it came near
The license plate said “Ron” and the bumper sticker said “Clear!”
If anything, I can say I was pretty scared
Cause Tom kept on laughing and yelling “Prepare!”

We pulled up to the Center about seven or eight
And I yelled to Tom, “Yo man, I thought you were straight!”
Looked at the Center and at Tom's crazy glare
But now I realize, I was just unaware

Yeah

LET ME HEAR YOU THETANS!

I say Dia
You say Netics
Dia....

The crowd went silent and then Will responded: "Wait, wait, I am NOT A Scientologist!!!!!!!!"

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Hey remember...........

2008-07-01T12:04:00.004-04:00

Paris Bennett from American Idol Season 5?

Me neither, but her mother is freaking moron!

19 year old Paris recently revealed that she is pregnant and expecting a baby girl in October.

Ok, here comes the part where her mother is a freaking moron.

Paris's mom, Jameica Bennett was quoted as saying, "I'm proud of how she did it. I was 16 when I got pregnant."

Uhhhhhhhhhh.... So is she proud that Paris held out for three more years than she did or is she proud that Paris got pregnant while she was a teenager? Either way, she's a freaking moron.

No word on who the father is (Chicken Little-please!!!) but Paris reportedly has "a ring."

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In other Idol baby news, here's a recent photo of the Clayby, which is due next month:

Yeah, I said next month!

I'm sure those fuckers in Boston are loving this one!

2008-07-01T10:54:00.008-04:00

Watch them start playing "Material Girl" when A-Rod comes up to bat.

Us Weekly reported today that Alex Rodriguez has been making late-night booty calls to Madonna's Central Park West apartment. Apparently, "all the doormen are talking."

The two have the same manager, Guy Oseary, who hung up the phone on the magazine when they called for a comment.

Madonna is still not commenting on the rumors that she and Guy Ritchie are divorcing. Alex was caught cheating last year when he was photographed with a stripper.

Neither of these two should be married in the first place. They need to take a lesson from Derek Jeter.

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UPDATE- Madonna's spokesman, Liz Rosenberg attempted some damage control by releasing the following statement to PEOPLE:

"Madonna's husband Guy arrived in New York last night to be with his wife and family (not in a last ditch attempt to save his marriage which does not need saving). There are no plans for Madonna and Guy to divorce.

Madonna and Alex have the same manager, Guy Oseary. They have met. They know each other and Madonna took her kids to a Yankees game last week. There's really not anything to comment on beyond that.

It's nothing new that people are airing tons of dirty laundry Madonna's way lately – much of it untrue. By the way, rumors of Madonna and Lil Wayne are quite exaggerated as well."

Umarki

2008-06-27T12:01:00.005-04:00

So while Ethan Hawke traded down (the old "bangin'the nanny" story), Uma Thurman traded up.

Way up.

She bagged a multimillionaire. They began dating last summer and now they're engaged. Uma's rep has confirmed the news. The rich Swiss guy's name is Arpad "Arki" Busson. He used to be with Elle Macpherson and had two sons with her.

Arki gave Uma an 8 carat engagement ring. No wedding date has been set.

Uma and Arki's names go together. It's a perfect rich couple name. Watch: "Bitsy? Hi dahling, it's me Mitzie. Uma and Arki have invited Grant and I to the South of France for a weekend on their yacht, so I won't be able to make the fundrasier dinner at the club. Pity, I so was looking forward to helping those starving children Oh, I know, wrap up our dinners and Fed-Ex them to them! Ok then, send my regards to Candi and Corbie will you dear? Tootles!"

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