Why Me? The Life and Times of Harris Bloom

Yes, Another (Short) Dog Related Post

2010-01-04T14:40:00.000-05:00

Most dog owners, myself included, treat our dogs as if they were people. But thinking about it, there are some good attributes in people that one wouldn't even want in a dog...like spontaneity.

Harris

Off The Deep End?

2009-12-16T10:21:00.003-05:00

My love of dogs is well documented. I much rather hang with them than the vast majority of people, and I think that anyone who kills a dog should get the same punishment as someone who kills a human. And I'm not even kidding.

So, it may not surprise you that the other day, when it was pouring, and I saw two dogs chained to a post outside a convenience store, howling for the owner, I felt the need to stop and share my umbrella with them. The only part I'm embarrassed to admit, is that I did hesitate before stopping.

At first, the dogs looked at me curiously, while wagging their tails. I didn't want to pet them as I didn't know how they took to strangers (especially those with umbrella weapons). Eventually, their attention returned to the door of the convenience store and started howling again. And I just stood there, thinking people who passed by musta been wondering, "Why doesn't he tell his dogs to shut up already?!?"

Then I wondered what the owner was gonna say, and what I was gonna say to him. To be honest, even I would feel like a bit of an idiot telling him/her that I felt bad for your dogs getting wet. So, I needed something else to say. I figured I'd say, "I was waiting for my wife anyway," while nodding towards the store, so I thought I'd keep these lil guys dry" The only problem with that is I'd be stuck waiting till the guy was out of sight or he'd see my explanation was some sort of ruse.

I was still thinking what to say when the guy came out. He looked at me for a second, then unchained his dogs from the post, and walked away. Not even a "thank you" for being a man-servant for his dogs!

Man, I hate people.

Harris

I Assume He Vacationed in Panama

2009-12-04T12:28:00.002-05:00

Josie recently informed me that she used to work with someone named Dan Halen. Predictably, every time he asked her a question about anything, she would reply, "Ya might as well Jump."

My favorite part is that she tells me he didn't have any type of sense of humor about his name. She was even kind enough to tell him that if he referred to himself as "Daniel," no one would make fun, but, of course, he refused.

Best name I've heard since this guy (I'll bet he was smart enuf to go by Frederick)

Harris

I'm Like Simon Cowell, But From Queens

2009-12-03T11:18:00.003-05:00

I answered an ad to appear on a public access show called "Are You A Star Or Just Bizarre?" - it was billed as public access's answer to American Idol. If that's the answer, I think they need to throw out the question (as my sixth grade teacher used to do with test questions if everyone answered incorrectly).

Since they already had enough comics for the weekly competition, the producer asked me to be a guest judge. Cool, thought.

But when I got to the studio, I had second thoughts... What if I knew the comics I was judging? I'm kinda known for being brutally honest....How honest was I gonna be?

I had third thoughts (similar to my second thoughts) when I was in the waiting room and saw a middle-aged guy wearing an unbuttoned flannel shirt walk through as if this was his living room.

Then I saw the list of comics performing. Shit! I knew a few of them. What to do...

So, as the show is broadcast live on Time Warner Channel 56, they started exactly at 11 PM. The studio audience consisted of comics performing, and a few people who look like they needed a warm place to sit for a few hours.

The host introduced me as a "successful comedian." I later found out my name was written on screen as "Harris Bloon."

I've done some shows with the first comic. I was hoping he'd do okay as it woulda been awkward to criticize him and then travel with him for two hours for a show. He did a decent enough job...I was able to praise his efforts. Phew!

The next two comics were horror shows. Both black, one actually combined impressions of Tony Montana, Forrest Gump and Ray Charles in one joke. All that was missing was him saying "I'll be back!" like Arnold Schwarzenegger, which is exactly what he said when one of the judges said he'd like to see him again. The other wore a fur coat and fur hat combo that Snoop Dogg woulda found ridiculous.

I'm gonna have to re-watch the episode to see what I exactly said to these guys but a few quotes (paraphrased)...

"I've heard versions of your magnum condoms and bad breath jokes, but I've never seen a version of that coat and hat!"
"I've seen hundreds of comics do Michael Jackson jokes. I'm hoping that with his passing, so will the jokes."
"I think it's funny that you say 'f**k the kids' on TV, but instead of 'dick,' you said 'wee wee.'" (1)
"Those impressions have been done over and over again. You need to do others. And your Ray Charles impression was god-awful - you made him look and mentally handicapped (Okay, I didn't say that...just thought it.)"

The best part is that I said these things after the other judges spoke, and they all loved the acts. I was basically the bitchy British judge on the panel, but from Queens, NY. I need to start drinking out of an oversized Coke cup, as a friend said. I think some of my comments even got booed.

During the show, I texted with friends and Josie, who were watching. Some of the tests received...

"watching this is painful."

"this is beautiful."

"you should go on tour with the guy wearing the fur coat/hat."

"i really wanna kill the guy off-camera who introduced the host."

"i wanna kill the douche to your right" (same guy)

"this station is a little staticky"

"ouch!" (after my commentary)

At the end, they allowed another guy to get up and tell a joke. I say "guy" since I'm pretty sure he wasn't a comic. His stutter was so pronounced he couldn't get one joke out before the host interrupted him to declare a winner. (2)

The winner was...a TIE between my two least favorite comics - I was outvoted. Exactly what I expected.

When I got home, Josie's first words to me were, "You are so mean!" which kinda relieved me, as I was worried that I came off as too nice. (3)

I actually had a great time, prolly cause it's a chance to tell people what I really think of their comedy, instead of just doing what we all do, tell everyone how amazing (I've come to really hate that word) they are and talk behind their backs. (4)

I will be on the show again. Stay tuned!

Rock On,

Harris

(1) - After the comic said, "F**k the kids!" you can hear me ask, "Are we still on the air?"

(2) - His joke started with, "I saw this girl walking, she had such a badonkidonk butt, I wanted to climb in..." - I didn't get a chance to critique him, but I woulda said, "I recommend staying away from words like 'badonkidonk.'"

(3) Video to come.

(4) I actually don't do that. I mean, I do talk behind other comics' backs (I don't trust any comic who doesn't), but I don't tell everyone how amazing they are...even if they are amazing.

It's Not Us...It's Me

2009-12-01T10:24:00.000-05:00

I was at a storytelling event last week with Josie when I ran into an old friend. It was crowded and he was on the way to the restroom, so when he asked me what's new, I quickly responded, "Not much, you know, doing the stand-up thing."

When he was gone from view, Josie turned to me, "You do know that you got married a year ago, right?"

Harris

Lotta Questions...No Answers

2009-11-30T10:40:00.002-05:00

I was watching some show on the TLC channel (which, by the way, they should rename the "Thank God This Isn't You Network") when they went to commercial.

One commercial was for Jon and Kate plus 8, another was for Table for 12 (about a couple with 12 kids) and yet another for 18 And Counting (about a couple with 18 kids!).

I guess my question is - why does anyone watch the one with 8 kids (or even 12) if there's one with 18 kids? I assume people watch to see how these couples deal with all the kids, so wouldn't it make sense that they'd wanna watch the one with the most difficult job?

It kinda reminds me of buying bread in the supermarket. They have loaves of 8-grain bread next to 12-grain bread next to 15-grain bread.

Why would anyone buy the 8 grain bread? How long will it be till there's a 20 grain bread? Then again, are there 20 grains?

I have a headache.

Harris

A Harris Bloom Thanksgiving

2009-11-29T12:23:00.003-05:00

When we went around the table to say what we're thankful for, my mom asked, "Can I say what I'm sad about?"

Good grief Harris Bloom.

Harris

Killing And Dying In Comedy

2009-11-25T14:00:00.001-05:00

I've been working with the The New York Hysterical Society, doing mainly Jewish temple shows (btw - if any of my loyal, or not so loyal, readers would like us to organize a comedy night fundraiser for you, contact me).

I did one on Saturday night. I think the average age of the audience was about 95. I did well enough (you really don't wanna "kill" with this audience...you may actually kill) but I woulda done better if I had jokes with Barnaby Jones references, or better yet, Milton Berle.

After the show, a woman told me that she thought several of my jokes were "precious." I'm assuming that means good, in 1930-speak.

I actually did one several weeks ago where I (surprisingly) did very well, but I can't say the same for the MC. It was so quiet during his set, it had the feel of a shiva call... I sat in the back mourning him.

Harris

Deep Fried Turducken

2009-11-24T19:43:00.002-05:00

Right now, the number one search on Yahoo is "deep fried turkucken."

I'm pretty sure that's cause that's what the pilgrims ate at the first Thanksgiving.

Harris

Harris Goes To College

2009-11-20T10:36:00.002-05:00

As many of you know, I graduated from Queens College, living at home the entire time. Not going away to school is one of my big regrets (becoming a Jets fan is another). My, wife, Josie, has decided to do something about it.

My birthday is next week, and in honor of it, Josie is throwing me a "Harris Goes To College" pub crawl in Hell's Kitchen. I will be drinking till I puke. As I am not much of a drinker and the crawl starts at 6 PM, I expect that to be around 7:30. I am prepared for my frat-boy experience by reading tucker max, playing hackey sack in shorts and stocking up on roofies.

One problem will be that my sweet tooth extends to drinks. I can't tell you how many times I have ordered drinks for Josie and I, and when the waiter brings them, I had to give her the Guinness and take my Appletini.

The problem with that is sweet drinks make for a bad hangover (and I have to help a friend move the next day, followed by a show for 50 elderly Jews later...oy!) I can't drink beer cause, well, I don't really like it (I think someone is bringing a funnel but I think that's gonna be left unused).

My plan is to drink margaritas, but not just any margaritas, as my friend, and drinking guru, Doug Adler told me I have to only get them made with 100% agave tequila, whatever that is...He said I should ask for "silver margaritas." Yes, the mix will prolly give me the hangover, but the good alcohol will lessen it.

Or I may just funnel Appletinis all night. We'll see.

The review, tomorrow (Or more likely Sunday)

harris

The World Series

2009-11-05T13:20:00.000-05:00

People asked me who I was rooting for since, as a Mets fan, the Yanks and Phils are both our arch-enemies.

I responded, "Just like in Rocky 5, I was rooting for the end."

Harris

Putting A Happy Face On

2009-11-04T09:47:00.005-05:00

I love how animal rescue sites try to warn you about adoptable dogs' poor behavior by making it appealing - I saw one this morning that read, "...and Cody will love to decorate your house with toilet paper any chance she gets!"

If I wrote one for Kilo, here would be some tidbits.......

Kilo is so athletic, he will jump right up to your nose and bite it!

Kilo is good at whimpering or crying when he wants or needs something, which is all the time!

Kilo is great on the leash, assuming you consider lunging at other dogs great!

Kilo is so full of love and affection that he will continue to jump on you, no matter how many times you yell, "No!"

Kilo is so smart, he'll figure out how to get into your garbage can, eat the contents, and then throw up everywhere!

Harris

btw - these are jokes about Kilo, he's a great dog, and he's never thrown up...at least not after getting into the garbage, which he has done.

Bill Simmons ("The Sports Guy") Is An Idiot

2009-11-02T11:11:00.003-05:00

This isn't gonna be about his deficiencies as a writer.

I mean, YES, he uses the same lines time and time again, and YES, it is ridiculous how he STILL uses Shawshank, The Karate Kid and Rocky movies to underscore his points. Also, his increased popularity, coinciding with his move to L.A. has changed his point of view, from "man of the people" to "check me out, hanging with Jimmy (that's Mr. Kimmel to you) while watching all ten games on my sweet plasma screen setup."

He also got kinda screwed by the fact that his Boston teams became good, and with that often comes mass hatred (pun intended) - I don't think he handles that well, incorporating an "eff you" bent to his columns, but whatever.

This is about his lack of knowledge of gambling, something he professes to know a lot about, and continually makes the same wrong point, as he did in his latest column when he wrote...

"I tried to determine a science for picking games in the first few weeks. Bookies are terrified of that stretch for this reason: There's no ironclad way to distinguish good teams from the bad teams yet."

My problem is with his declaration that "bookies are terrified."

Wrong.

Bookies don't set the lines. We do. All bookies care about is making sure that half the money goes to each team...that way they make coin no matter who covers.

A team like Dallas, which has a huge national following, gets a few points it's way just because it has so many fans who bet on them (bookies try to get gamblers to bet on their opposition). It has nothing to do with bookies liking Dallas.

I swear, every time he writes that I feel like getting The Sisters to pay him a visit. Or Byron Hadley. Or at least sweeping his leg.

Harris

Confused

2009-10-30T14:04:00.003-04:00

Why is David Spade catching flak about his ad with the late Chris Farley? I don't recall anyone saying songs where dead people are singing to be in poor taste.

Harris

Rock and Roll All Night

2009-10-28T11:56:00.001-04:00

Growing up, I wanted to join The Kiss Army but was rejected due to my asthma.

Harris

The State Of Comedy (I Need Somebody to Shove)

2009-10-28T09:59:00.006-04:00

I was recently in two contests in Connecticut recently where I was pitted against 30 and 23 other comics.

In the first contest, unlike myself, they were all from Connecticut (I got in since I had done shows at this club).

I made it past the first round, which isn't saying a lot if you saw most of these other comics.

I made it past the second round though I was lil worried as, even though I was the best pure comic on the show, the crowd wasn't all that into me (of course that brings up the question as how can I be the best if I didn't get the most laughs...see the next sentence to see how I justify it). They preferred really hacky jokes about sex and stereotypes. I was still confident as this contest was not decided by audience laughter, but by actual judges. They wouldn't be swayed by the audience, who were cracking up at jokes so bad, I rarely even hear them at open mic nights.

They were.

I got eliminated in the third round. Just to give you an example of what I was up against, the guy who probably got the best crowd reaction had jokes like, "I got stopped by a Chinese cop...I had never seen a Chinese cop before so I rolled down the window and said, 'I'll take pork friend rice and dumplings.'" He then added, "So, I'm in jail."

This same comic got an applause break when asking why women look back when they are having sex doggystyle. "Is it because they want to make sure you're still there (laughs), or because they can't feel it so they want to make sure it's still in? (hysterics)"

This is what I lost to.

The second contest was worse. Without boring you with details, I made it past the first round but couldn't beat a few comics who were worse than most NY open micers in the next round.

Needless to say, I was burning. I was actually too shocked to be angry. I stood around assuming this had to be some sort of joke, then, upon realizing the joke was on me, I wondered if everyone was taking crazy pills.

Then came the anger. But who to be angry at? I can't be angry at the comics...they hear laughs so they have no reason to change. They are also getting approval from the judges. I can't even blame the judges. These weren't industry vets, they were hosts of morning shows and comedy websites (which, by and large, suck). So who to blame? Can I blame the audience for laughing?
No, they're just laughing at what they find funny. I can't blame the booker either...he's giving the audience what they want.

So, who can I blame? No one...

...and that's what sucks.

Harris

So, Whatcha Readin'?

2009-10-26T12:57:00.002-04:00

I had a gig a few weeks ago where I took a train out of the city with another comic who was on the show. A comic that I disliked, and had no interest in talking to for a two-hour train ride.

"I think I'll bring a book, and when we sit down, I'll immediately open it," I had told Josie. Thinking about it, I continued, "Is that really rude?"
"Um, yes!"
So, I decided not to bring the book.

The day of the show, the other comic greeted me at the train station. We picked out our seats. As soon as we sat down, he took out a book."

Harris

Settling

2009-10-26T10:32:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, while playing the Oakland Raiders, Jets QB Mark Sanchez was caught on the sidelines eating a hot dog.

When asked why he did it, Sanchez replied, "I couldn't find the fondue guy."

Harris

Another Day On The Subway

2009-10-08T10:38:00.002-04:00

For those of you who don't live in NY, our subway system is in one way awesome (cheap way to get around), but also infuriating.

Not only do trains often run late, but it's pretty dirty down there and you have to deal with large amounts of people in a small space. And by and large, people suck (sorry if you're a person). Case in point, the person I saw having an argument yesterday.

Fact is, we all think we're right when we get into arguments, but I really wonder what this one dude told his friends after his encounter. I'm guessing it was like....

"You wouldn't believe this - So i'm on the subway, me and my bike...and we're taking up four seats....me one, the bike three, you know – I mean, it’s a mountain bike, right? And this old woman gets on asking me to move my bike... unbelievable, right? So, I just say, where do you want me to put it? She’s got nothing, it was beautiful… This dude takes her side, saying I’m being rude…I’M being rude! He's interrupting a private convo and I'M the rude one! Besides, my bike was there first. I mean, sure, she had a cane and all, but still."

harris

I Answer Fan Mail

2009-10-07T10:09:00.001-04:00

Dear Mr. Balls,

As you may recall, I was the emcee of the stand-up comedy show you recently attended.

First of all, I'd like to thank you for filling out the comment card as I requested during the show. Not many people do, and we really do appreciate your thoughts. However, I have a few questions regarding your comments.

1. When asked for your name, you wrote "Suck my Balls." I guess I'm more curious than anything as I've never heard of anyone with that name. Is it of Native American origin?

2. For Day Phone, you wrote "None of your business!" which at first glance, I thought was a witty double entendre...I even chuckled. But then I saw....

3. Under Evening Phone, you wrote "Same As Above." Though we understand and appreciate your desire to keep your anonymity in today's crazy world, I assure you, our intentions are purely honorable as we merely want to supply you with free tickets to an upcoming show!

4. You listed "eatmeraw.com" as your e-mail address. Obviously, a miscue on your part as surely you know that's a website (which is un-registered by the way). We did try to contact you via eatmeraw@yahoo.com, but it came back as undeliverable.

5. When asked, "What show did you see?" - You wrote "The shitty ass show." I can sort of understand this answer as the show you attended didn't have an actual name or theme, so you chose to refer to it by one of the comics' longish bits. We took the liberty of adding the day of the week, which you neglected to check off (Otherwise, it would get confusing as several of our roster of comics have bits about their bowels).

6. Under "How did you hear about this club," you wrote "You're mama." If you meant the mother of the club owner, then I'm afraid someone sold you a bill of goods (weird saying, no?) as the owner's mother passed away several years ago. Also, you wrote "you're" when you meant "your" - not a big deal as I'm not a sticker for grammar, but that just so happens to be a pet peeve.

7. Ironically, you left blank the "On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate the show?" question. We consider this the most important question on the card as we are dedicated to bringing you the finest in comedic entertainment.

So, seriously, did you enjoy the show?

Sincerely,

Harris Bloom

Cutting Off My Nose

2009-10-06T11:12:00.001-04:00

Last week, I went to my favorite empanada restaurant for take out. It's really loud in there and wasn't sure the waitress heard me correctly. Sure enough, when I looked at my receipt, she had charged me for four beef empanadas and not four chicken ones.

When I told her of her miscue, she said, "I'll change it but you told me beef."

Now, I know I didn't say beef. Though I normally do order beef, I was ordering for me and my wife and decided to go the healthier chicken route with her.

My guess is when I said "four baked chicken empanadas," she heard "beef" instead of "baked." (Though you'd think she'd have asked what are beef chicken emps?")

Anyway, I'm not sure if I was angry cause they keep it so loud that I'm not shocked that these mistakes occur or cause the mistake was a small one and the waitress should've just employed the "Customer is always right" rule, but I wanted to I got indignant and decided to win the argument.

I said, "I know I said chicken. I haven't eaten meat in over twenty years!"

And that was that.

Ba-Daooowww!!!

I win!!

Of course, now every time I go there, I have to see if she's there before ordering my usual beef empanadas.

D'oh!

harris

Workin' For The Mob

2009-09-29T12:14:00.007-04:00

I got permission from the producer of the show to write this (I was afraid to otherwise)...

I did a show last week in a lounge in NY's meatpacking district. I found the gig on Craigslist. By the way, nine out of ten stories that begin with, "So, I looked on Craigslist..." ends with "Well, that's what I get for looking on Craigslist!" And this was not the exception to the rule.

This guy, Vinnie Parco, emailed me the day of the show, asking if I can do it. I didn't even remember responding to the ad so I called him to see what he was all about. Turns out, he's a P.I., who works on some reality show on Court TV.

He told me, in a Queens/Brooklyn accent, the show is supposed to start at 7:30 but may start late as a lot of his friends are coming in from Howard Beach. I asked how much time I had to perform, he responded, "Ya get ten minutes, more if you're doing well, and we'll kill you if you're not." Then, he laughed. So I did.

"I'm jus' kiddin' ya!" He said.

"I figured."

"Sorta..."

"Wait. What?"

I assumed I was kiddin' of course, but when I got to the venue, I began to wonder.

I arrived at 7:00. Vinnie was there, talking to a couple of ladies in front. I introduced myself and he said we'll get started as soon as the guests arrive. I took a seat in the lounge and watched Vinnie greet people. He kissed everyone on both cheeks. The guests looked like they walked out of central casting - men, with slicked black hair, barrel chests and impeccably tailored suits; the women all looked like they woulda blended well hangin' with Carmela Soprano.

Vinnie introduced me to one of his friends. I forgot his name but Vinnie told me he just got released from jail. He was there for six years as a partner of Victoria Gotti's husband (and I'm not looking it up...I don't even wanna know his name).

As I waited for the show to start, I texted Josie to tell her what was going on. She suggested I tell them my her maiden name (she's Italian) to get them on my good side.

"Good idea!"

Finally, around 9 PM, the show started. Not only was I first, but Vinnie didn't really warm up the crowd before inviting me on stage.

"For our first comedian, here's, umm, Harry... Harrison..."

Walking up, I helped, whispering "Harris Bloom!"

"Oh yeah, Harris Bloom, everyone!"

Worried how my act would be received, I decided that if I was gonna go down, I was gonna go down with my good stuff...I abandoned any notion of doing any new material and decided to do my Best Set. I was nervous enough to have wished I took a pill before leaving the apartment.

Thankfully, I did well. I even had a lil fun during my set with the audience. When I noticed that three (scary-looking) men to the side weren't laughing at all, I said, "I feel like you guys are the ones I should be trying hard to impress."

"You got that right!" One said, to the delight of the crowd. He continued, "Ya ever do a show with two gangsters sitting with an FBI agent?"

"Nope, I believe this is a first. Does it help if I told you my wife's maiden name is XXXX?"

"Sure, it helps her!"

"Touche!" I gave him that one, and moved on.

After getting offstage, several audience members shook my hand, congratulating me on my performance (while another comic was onstage no less).

All in all, the show was fun. They asked me to stay and hang out, but having found the one out of ten Craigslist ads that work out (even if it was a lil touch and go), I wasn't about to press my luck.

Rock On,

Aitch

Josie's Birthday!

2009-09-09T18:56:00.004-04:00

We bought a couch on her birthday. Thoughtful as she is, she insisted on a sofabed, so I have somewhere to sleep when we fight.

We celebrated (the couch and birthday) with a bowling party, cause, that's how we roll.

Aww c'mon! That's funny!

Harris

It's Been Awhile

2009-09-03T09:59:00.002-04:00

Hey gang!

Between something happening to work computer where I can't get into my own blog here and just laziness, I haven't been round these parts in a while...sorry to the three of you saddened by this.

I'll start up again by telling you I was in Delaware last week - great time around Bethany Beach area...even did a comedy show at Wahoo's... which is pretty much as it sounds.

Anyway, one bizarre thing I encountered was how the main highway has signs posted warning of "turtle crossing."

Has anyone avoided a turtle when going 65 mph? How big are these turtles?

Personally, I didn't see any turtles on the road, though I did hit a few rocks.

Oh, shoot.

harris

Random Pics

2009-08-10T12:03:00.009-04:00

Haven't felt like posting much, but here are some pics for youse...

An actual "Thank you" letter...

As you can see, I wasn't the only one of us with an awkward childhood...

I was green before green was cool -

Um, is that a lion taking a crap on a toilet?

Josie at Stan's (a famous bar) after a Yankee game...

Me at Stan's after a Yankee game...

harris