A FAMILY IN RECOVERY

Prayers Do Work

2009-05-28T18:43:00.000-07:00

I am praying and it seems to be getting better. I am also staying true to myself and remembering boundaries and setting them.

I always thought that boundaries were nasty, mean, and harsh...they are not..Boundaries are what make me unique and whole. Boundaries are born out of love. Love for myself. Setting healthy boundaries means that I love myself enough to protect and take care of myself..

A good friend recently said "Hunter, you are full of wisdom and you are great at any ting you put your mind to...what is stopping you".....after careful thought I realized that it is me who is stopping me....

Someone once said something that really stuck with me it was "do you love yourself enought to take care of yourself?" I am finally learning that I do.

Time for me to help me. AND when doing this all around me gets better.....

Prayers also for my friend Mary, one of hte anonymous people in and out of my life, who I saw recently...She is not doing well, but she looks great! I pray all goes well for her.

Stay tuned..I think there really may be a miracle coming this way...one for me and for my family in recovery....

I hope to share it with all of you.

HOLDING ON TO A DREAM THAT IS A NIGHTMARE

2009-05-23T05:39:00.000-07:00

Hello from Hunter

Mark is 2 1/2 years sober. He is not drinking BUT his anger is out of control. It is horrible to be around someone who is angry all the time. His father's death in December really set him back. Some people are sicker than others. I truly believe that Mark is a wonderful person. However, he has massive issues surrounding money, savings, and so much more. He makes everything about him and immeditely goes to a place of anger. There is no communication. This is far from the dream of marriage that I keep holding on to. The serenity prayer says to ask for the courage to change the things you can. I am in the place I was when I had enough of he drinking. I am praying for the strength to set healthy boundaries and for the miracle of love, responsible living, passion and fun to return to my family.

STILL SOBER AND STILL TOGETHER

2009-02-09T22:04:00.000-08:00

Hello from Hunter.
Brief post because it is late.
In a recovery program it was once said "when i got busy I got better"...Well I am sooooo busy it is nuts...There is still a lot of things unsettled in our life but things are way better than ever. now that two years has passed we are becoming a family again. Our child is doing better in school and was chosen to read a most amazing essay for D.A.R.E. class (school program about drugs and alcohol). I am going to share it here in the hopes that anyone with kids who are struggling with parents who are alcohlics can derive expereince strength and hope from this...Before i share it i will give you another quick updates...I am back in school and am becoming a holistic heatlh counsellor..I am really excited about this journey and i will be helping people in recovery with sugar cravings as well as helping people avoid illness via food and nutrition...stay tuned...it is the first time I have ever done something for myself in 10 years...ok her is our kids essay hope you enjoy it.

CHOOSE THE HARDER RIGHT OVER THE EASIER WRONG..LESSONS FROM A FIFTH GRADER

I thought that the most important Dare lesson was alcohol because someone I know is an alcoholic and it affected my family a lot. It was very important to know the other consequences that could have happened to them such as being really drowsy weak and a lot of other things. I remember the person I care about sleeping and falling down a lot. I really care about this person and am glad they do not do this anymore.

I also know a few facts about alcohol like AA meetings that help the alcoholic and when an alcoholic decides to stop drinking its called sobriety. The chemical in the drink makes an addiction that is very hard to break and that addiction can tear families apart. In fact a person can actually die from alcohol poisoning and if they are addicted can die from this if they stop without medical help.

Drinking and driving don’t mix because when you drink you feel relaxed but what’s really happening is that a chemical is going to your brain that makes you drowsy and your vision isn’t as strong so when you drive you have a really big risk of getting in a car accident and injuring or killing others who are passengers or in another car. Many times people who drink and drive get their license suspended.

People with alcoholism sometimes affect their kids so they have to be extra careful and make smart choices. When I was learning about alcohol I was thinking about the person that I care about. After my DARE class when I saw them I was crying because now that person is sober and I love them and am so grateful for their sobriety.

Alcoholism can tear a family apart because the alcoholic when active is obsessed and forgets about the family. The alcoholic spends more time with the bottle and the parents fight and sometimes divorce. It affects the kid or kids just as the parents, and often the child of an alcoholic has trouble learning at school and making friends.

If an alcoholic decides to get sober and not drink they will go to AA meetings, which stands for Alcoholics Anonymous. At these meetings they discuss their experiences with other alcoholics. The person I care about went there and made friends with everybody.

If an alcoholic has children, the kids have a danger of drinking alcoholically. If the kid or kids take the D.A.R.E. program it will teach them how to make smart choices so they don’t drink... And even if you don’t take the program be sure to make smart choices anyway!

If you have a family member that is drunk it’s okay to still love them, you just have to know that they can get dangerous, especially if they are an alcoholic. Not everyone who drinks is an alcoholic, but according to a group called NACOA 1 in 4 children under the age of 18 lives with someone who is. If you live with an alcoholic and they are in sobriety and go to AA meetings they won’t be dangerous but they will still have a little bit of the disease in them.

However, their meetings are their medicine and because of this the alcoholic won’t let the disease consume them as it did when they were an active drunk.

People who drink under the age of 21 tend to get arrested because it is against the law for them to drink. Also they tend to have bigger problems because for the chemical in the alcohol doesn’t process as well in people under the age of 21 and it more deeply affects the younger person’s brain.

I think we all have tendencies to become alcoholic. Also no matter how old you are don’t drink too much or you might find yourself with an addiction!

The best thing to do if you don’t want the disease is to not drink at all. And for a kid like me, the best thing to do growing up is not to give in to peer pressure not to hang around with kids who drink and drug, and to always choose the harder right.

Well this concludes my essay of what I thought was the most important lesson in D.A.R.E. hope you enjoyed it. BYE.

Been a While....Still Recovering One Day at a Time...Still Together

2008-09-20T19:55:00.000-07:00

Hi From Hunter,

I will say that I am sad that Mark has not kept up with this blog. However, he is still sober and deeply comitted to his recovery. Mark is doing great fighing this disease and as of today he thanks God everyday for the AA program. He has been in Europe visiting his daughters and feeling lonely....He is never alone as he has the rooms of AA and people who give him love and respect in those rooms. He had a very upsetting experience yesterday-he went out to eat and ordered a ginger ale and the waiter brought him a vodka and ginger ale. He felt sick , even though he spit it right out. For him it brought up all the memories of the shakes, withdrawal, police, and destruction that alcohol brought to his life...His sponsor helped him through this by discussing his intentions with him. Mark did not intend to drink. Mark did not slip. Mark did the right thing and thank God he is still sober and not off on a bender to ruin his and our lives.

I am disappointed in myself as I am co-dependent. I would be devastated if Mark started drinking again. He and our son are my life and I really like it that way...

Our son is doing great. He continues to improve in school and he continues ot build a loving wonderful relationship with Mark. It is beautiful to see.. Of course I get the blame from our son when things go wrong and I am not as good as or as cool as dad...But frankly that is fine with me. I love that he and his dad have a good relationship today...there is much lost time there...a nd I know that I am a good mom and that our son would not be the boy he is today if I did not do a lot of hard work and seek support during the drinking years.

Mark is still very angry and it is very hard to live with this. It is also hard to deal with the fact that we have not had sex in close to a year! It hurts me terribly. I am overweight...but not for long. I have joined weight watchers and have lost 10 pounds....I have 50 more to go and then look out...If I have to wait to lose 50 pounds before he has sex with me I will be furious.....I don't think I will. I believe lack of sex drive has a lot to do with his recovery and we have discussed the issue and are working toward a solution.

Mark started therapy recently. It is the first time he has done this on his own. I am so happy he is doing this...It is good for him and good for our family. And it is great that he has done it with the guidance of his sponsor and not because of me. I pray this helps him with his anger and his issues...I really love himso much and don't want to lose him....

I am feeling very lonely in our town. Because of the disease we still do not have friends as a couple and a normal social life...I am very happy in our family life but I remain sad when I can't get playdates for our son and he feels bad and I am sad when certain friends who were there for me during the years Mark was drinking are no longer there for me or give me the cold shoulder.
I get even more furious when people don't return phone calls when I call for playdates. They figure by not calling back I will get the hint that their kid does not want to play with mine...But I don't get the hint...especially if the kids have not had a fight and have always gotten along well. Instead I htrink it is because the parents don't like me...I hate when people avoid me or my family. It is terrible communication and while they might think it is polite it is downright rude...when my son has an issue I tell people...I wish people would do the same....Even if the just called back and said """"XXX is going through a phase and for now he does not want to hav a playdate, please don'ttake it personally" OR " XXX is upset with your son because....." at least then I know what is going on....I really wish they would say that because by avoiding us my child gets upset and hurt....and I do not have the knowledgeto help him to ...Why don;t people khow how ot communicate...I had this discussion with awoman recently whose son was one of our sone's good friends. She did not return my phone call for 4 months to set up a playdate and now her kid can'tgef enough of mine.....WHen I asked her whta happened she told me that her son thought my son used too much bad language and it made him uncomfortable..Now I ask you...why didn't she tell me this so I could help my child and avoid the hurt of losing a friend/???? Things don't go away by ignoring them and no on gains by silence...UGHHHHHHHH people are so stupid sometimes....

So what did I learn from this/???THE 3 call rule. I call 3 times and if there is no return call I give up..And sadly when I give up the relationshiop ends...It kills me because our child is kind, sensistive, loving and would never harm anyone...He has such wonderful values....andthis rejectionis awful...>We used to have friends with kids his age and we used to hang out with them. Those friends moved away for careers..We stagnated,alcoholism took over our lives and we did not make new friends.....That is where we are today and now so many people have established friends it is hard to break in....so many people drink normally...and frankly mark is not ready to be social....I tell our son to hang tight and to stay busy with activities and not worry about not having play dates..I tell him to get his interaction in school and activities....and like so many things I pray that we soon develop friends with kids his age and that this all changes..and when it does they will be the right friends who will call back and who will be honest.

Today it was so hurtful for me to be near someone who went through the worst of Mark's addiction with me..Her husband is also a recovering addict....She completely snubs me and is cold when I see her....Part of this is her, but another part of it really hurts....I take these things personally.......She also did not have decency to acknowledge my mom's death....Even when I said "my mom just died" She could not say "I am sorry for your loss"....I know sometimes people don't know what to say..but I am sorry is not too difficult..Where are people's manners/??And usually these are the people who "live in glass houses".

I wish I had another child as I would love to have a big family for our son and me...But that is not the cards I was dealt in life..I was given by God a beautiful child and a chance at a beautiful family life...I am blessed for this and look forward to our life in sobriety.

What about our financial house?????Well that is not so good and I wonder if I am nuts for not having a nervous breakdown. We have tax problems and no income BUT we have started a business...actually mark has and I have decided to be part of it because it is more rewarding than working for someone else...Never the less today is a very scary time. I believe we will do well but today we are still in a difficult place. I am also starting school in January for nutrition counselling....I really believe all will be OK...and I have to keep believing this.

I am exercising again and proud of this..I have to keep it up as I love doing it, stopped for too long a time, and I did not get a good bill of health recently...Mark did! For someone who was borderline cirrhosis it is amazing that his liver is ALL CLEAN! and his cholesterol is NORMAL! WOW! Sobriety really does do wonders.

Next week is the one year anniversary of my mom's death. I miss her terribly and so does our son. She was an amazing lady. I am blessed to have had a mom that I loved who loved me so much. And I am blessed that I got so many gifts,in terms of live lessons and love, from her. I am so happy my mom knew mark and had such a loving relationship with our son. She lives with us forever!!!!!!!

We really are becoming a family more and more and more and more. I am so happy we have remained together and I pray we have a beautiful wonderful future together.

Mark has three people he sponsors and it is amazing to see how his sponsees respect him.. They would never believe he was a stumbling idiotic drunk who was abusive and horrible and destroyed so much...And frankly to see him today I am so grateful he has found recovery..He is a beautiful man and I love him so and I am so grateful that we did not have to lose our marriage and family life.

I have had a few alanon sponsees.....I find they do not stay as long as the AA sponsees to as so many of us in alanon are co-dependent and when things go well we abandon our sponsors...Never the less I reach out when I can and do what I can...and will continue to do so.

As for my sadness and disappointment with lack of friends and people in this town..,..I am happy with me and my son and my husband....I am happy with the work I do to reach out to others and I am happy keeping myself busy.......Friends will come, if they are meant to......It is in God's hands.

Regarding communication. I live with an angry man....Different from his drinking days these days he knows when his anger turns him into a jerk and he knows to back off and admit when he is wrong......It does not make it always easy but much better than during the drinking days and his awareness paves the path for us to really fall in love, the right way....Tonight he is in Europe and missing us terribly..He can't wait to come home...It is the first time in 10 years that he really knows that this is his home and that there is love and warmth waiting here for him.....Real love, which he does not really know, and trust, and a really happy and normal life...all he is finally learning about.

I pray God gives us many good years together. Our life is beginning in so many ways and while we are not yet rich financially we are rich in so many ways...Rich in a way we have not been in so very long and richer than so very many....

I am finally rediscovering much of my extended family who I have been estranged from during this 10 year nightmare...it is time to rebuild and one day at a time this is happening.

We have a difficult few months ahead financially and emotionally. Please all who read this send prayers, and healing good energy our way. I promise you that the universe will return it to you from us ten-fold and more...thank you thank you thank you....

Thanks for letting me babble...I am sorry it has been so long since I have written...There is so much more to say but this is it for now. I hope that this has given hope and healing to all of you..

Warm Regards to all.....

Hunter

February 2008.....The terrible 2's...staying together is hard work

2008-02-02T07:53:00.000-08:00

Hello friends,

Addiction is a fatal disease and this past week we lost a friend, Ian R., who seemingly had it all, to it. It is not just about staying clean and sober it is about living responsibly and honestly in the real world. For those of us who do not have this disease living responsibly and honestly in the real world is not always easy...for those who are afflicted with the disease of addiction it is that much more difficlut to learn how to live in reality and not run away.

There are tons of emotions that surface as the addict becomes sober, hence the program slogan "feelings are not facts". Confronting one's past honestly and discovering all the things one lost because of addiction can make someone very angry...Learning to manage this anger and communicate is not easy.

A marriage that has survived chronic addiction is very fragile. Starting a clean slate with trust is not easy. So many things bring up memories of the past----the lying, the stealing, the manipulation, the pain, the anger, the destruction, etc.....And the alcoholic (or addict) does not want to be reminded of these things....and in truth neither do we...Yet if a marriage is to survive in recovery from this awful disease a safe place to discuss our feelings and set boundaries is important.

What is natural for most people in this situation is to run away/leave, or shut down. Mark and I have been struggling with this over the past several months. We don't really talk about things very much and don't really see each other that much. And when there are important issues to deal with he gets very angry (similar behavior to when he was active). It is a very difficult enviroment to live in and in the past I would have gotten on my pity pot and behaved like "poor me". I know realize that I do have choices and I do have control over how I behave....It takes a tremendous amount of patience to act with understanding and compassion and walk away from behavior that is abusive....however this new behavior is leading us to a place of deeper understanding, love, and compassion for each other.

I have been searching the internet and other places for information on anger in the second year of sobriety..Have found nothing. So I thought I would write my experiences, share them, and maybe get some feedback from others. Mark has rageaholic tendencies...Fortunatly he is working his program or recovery, aware of this behavior, and working on getting better at it. I personally detest this behavior...my dad, and mom to a lesser extent, were both rageaholics....I cannot stand arguing over nothing importatn, analyzing feelings and behaviors to death, screaming and overreacting. Learning to talk to one another and reason things out is much more productive an dmuch less stressful...OK once again eliciting this kind of behavior has to come from me...SO how do I handle it? I use the tools of hte program finally...I ignore rageaholic words and behavior, I walk away or busy myself with something else, I let the situtaioncalm down, and then ask "what is really going on?" Usually it leads back to the same thing-Markisangry with himself and is learning to live life on life's terms...it is easy to blame me for whatever is wrong, as that is what he did for so many years when he was drinking...and before me it was his ex wife and his family...etc.....

HOw am I handling situation differently? Here is a good example. Recently I thought Mark was lying to me about something important...I got very angry and thought through how I would tell him this. I could accuse him, I could ask him for proof he was not lying..all of this would just make him more angry and feel cornered and would not achieve my desired result..I could accept that he may be telling the truth or he may be lying and recognizethat I am powerless over this situation. I am not powerless over my behavior and I could adjust my behavior. So I prayed for guidance and the wisdom that came to me was just as I need safe place to express my feelings to Mark, he too needs a safe place to express his and recover. So I found the words to tell him that the situation that occurred brought up for me bad memories of the drinking days and htat just as he does not want to be reminded of the past, neither do I and I explained that he needs to be a better communicator about things. He too found the words to explain to me how his past keeps coming up and the pain of what he lost... He still is very vague about his feelings and thoughts and shares a lot with his sponsor...But in a marriage we need to be able to talk about things and address them openly and honestly.

It is very hard for me to have blind trust in Mark given the history, but I am moving through this and turning it over to my higher power. It is scary....but it has always worked. And there are rewards to this behavior...Yesterday Mark called me and expressed his gratitude to me in a way I never heard before and acknowledged that it must be difficult to be married to someone like him...His humility opened a door for me to say yes it is hard but I love the man I married and I am gratful that he is finding his true self one day at a time hte more and more sobriety he has, and taht I appreciate his acknoledgemnt of me.

I keep telling Mark I am his friend and not his enemy and when we feel like giving up onour marriage I reason it out with him-this is not always easy as his anger gets in the way but once we get past that (often after several very patient attempts and many deep breaths to keep me from exploding in anger) we discover that we would bring our baggage to the next relationship and until we take responsiblity for our baggage we will not get better, and as two partners with a history together who love one another helping and loving each other enough to heal and grow together rather than apart can be a wonderful experience...Hard work but wonderful, and hard work that really cannot yet be addressed fully as recovery is still too new..

So this is a tall order for someone like me who is not an addict. Why do I have to put up with this. Don't I deserve better? I have choices and I like my choice. I love my alcoholic and I am grateful everyday for his sobriety. I am happy to support his commitment to AA and recovery, even though this means that nothing comes before his sobriety.

So, what about me? I do not go to many Alanon meetings anymore. When I do I share from a new perspective. The wisdom of 12 step programs extends to all areas of our lives. What does a family in recovery in year 2 of sobriety mean to and for me? It means that I no longer live crisis to crisis and no longer spend my life managing crisies. It measns that I am free to focus on me. I did not think that I would do this without my mom in my life. But it also means that I am freer to grieve her loss and learn to make her memory a blessing and a big part of my life. I have been in dead end jobs over the past few years as I too was a victim of this horrible family disease. As I am closer to 50 than 40 and have had more than a five year gap in my field and no graduate school degree, finding a job that pays good money is tough. Mark has started a new business and my dream has always been to be in business with my husband..I got stuck in this thought and desire for a while until I realized that he is too volatile and controlling for me to work with and htat I will be involved in his business anyway. More importanty I realized that this was not the right choice for me as I need to be independent and not dependent. I need to earn enought money to be self sufficient yet have time to be a good mother and inspiration to my son, and have enought time to go the gym and take care of me...a hybrid between suburbanhousewife and professional....I truly can have it all if I make hte right choices. And Mark can help support our family and work and enjoy his work. We can truly be separate and whole and in a healthy relationshiop.

So my big news: I am enrolling in a one year program to become a certified holistic practitioner and nutritionist. I will have the tools to build my own business..and I will be able make more money day 1 than I do now working part time for someone else....

I have osteoarthritis in my knee and have been forced to start an aggressive exercise program as not to be in chronic pain....alongside of this I am becoming a good cook and were are primarily vegetarian. I have not mastered the art of losing weight and staying disciplined yet but I do see small minor changes.

And what about our son? He is struggling in school academically and socially. He has huge anger issues we are dealing with. He too is in recovery and fortunatley has wonderful support at school and a dad who one day at a time is becoming a better father. His report card was not great all average grades (most kids are above average in his school) but it was the best for him.He was disappointed yet he is lucky to have a mom and dad like us. I looked at his report card and gave him a huge hug and told him I was very proud of him as his report card reflected a lot of hard work and a lot of improvement and progress. I told him that it is good not to get all outstandings the first half of the year as it gives him something to work toward. I am close to his teacher and we work together. AND finally I have a supportive and calm home environment and a husband who is my partner in parenting.

So-I do not write as frequently as in the past but will continue to update periodically and hopefuly Mark will too. Mark has not disappeared he has just chosen not to blog, or been too busy, working other tools of recovery, or tired He is still in recovery and working all the tools of his AA program. This means as many meetings as he feels he needs to stay sober (at least one a day and lately several more), staying very close to his sponsor, reading and praying, and calling and supporting others in recovery. Would love ot hear from our friends who read our blog.

Hunter

It's been a year in Recovery! Happy New Year!

2007-12-30T07:45:00.001-08:00

Hello from Hunter-It has been a crazy year but a good one. Mark received his one year coin this week and continues to work ALL the tools of the AA program and live it one day at at time. I do not attend many alanon meetings anymore but I know I have strong program. Year 2 of recovery is about ANGER..And Mark has plenty of it...He is learning to deal with it and I am learning (alanon has taught me well) to just let his anger pass and not to confront or engage. It will pass and he will realize what he did and acknowledge it....AND in time I know it will improve.Our son continues to do well and LOVES being with his dad....Life has not been without challenges....Mark lost his job-that's a long story but suffice to say that it was not his fault and he worked for a person who does not honor his word...SO, instead of falling apart we are on to the next thing, we are starting a business and Mark is vigilant about setting it up and making it work....AND as part of it he tells people he is working with he is in recovery-he is not ashamed.As for me...I have taken this year to take a deep breath and enjoy a home that is not in chaos constantly. I am starting to clear and clean closets and clutter (UGH there is sooooo much of it) and I think by next year it will be finished-I mean 2009 not 2008! But hopefully sooner. I am also seeing myself much more clearly and understanding my role in life as a caretaker of everyone else but myself. This has got to change. I can love and care for others but I must learn more about me and take care of me. I have forgotten how to do this and I plan to relearn this over the next year. Our son got an electric guitar for the holidays and loves it. He will take lessons next year..What a great way to release his energy, and not watch so much TV......I always wanted a house full of music, I am so glad he has an interest. As part of our recovery as a family Mark and I are going to go to a couples workshop in January. We have spent this year focusing on sobriety and becoming a family again. Now we have to focus on really living with sobriety and rebuilding our marriage. So there are many challenges ahead as we enter into year two of a family in recovery: me taking care of me and dealing with my many issues; Mark working on his anger; Mark and I working on our marriage; building a new business; and giving our son the family and life he deserves.....and Mark also rebuilding relationship with his daughters, which he is starting to do. I know for me all of this is easier with a sober husband who loves me and our son.Happy New Year to all.Hunter....
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Acting out and using the Tools of the program

2007-11-12T05:27:00.000-08:00

Hello from Hunter,

As Mark gets used to working again and gets more and more sober he is starting to act out a lot. Mark is inspirational and an exceptional role model and miracle in how he has attacked his alcoholism and chosen the path of sobriety. He works all the tools of his program and this is how he is getting better one day at time...It is progress not perfection and I am glad that I have a lot of alanon in me to understand how to manage.

After returning from my trip Mark exploded at me and our son..They had such a great week together and when I came home he got angry at our son for telling me he had such a great time.. I was thrilled he had such a great time and relieved to know that I have the freedom to leave them together and not worry if our son will be OK..It is terrific...but mark got angry because he thought I would be upset.

mark gets angry at the chaos in our home and expects it all to go away immediately. He treats me sometimes like a maid and explodes at me when the house is not clean the way he wants it accusing me of doing nothing, usually when I have spent 2 hours cleaning up a messy dirty kitchen and taking care of our son...He tells me that I am boring and that he can't stand the site of me and other horrible verbally abusive things....

I ignore him as there is no way he can possibly be serious about what he says..AND when he is calmer I point out all the chaos he creates and has created and I point out all the things to him he does not do that make me nuts like washing whites with colors, leaving a swingset in our yard and not setting it up for our son, leaving bags and bags of soda cans in the yard to be returned but never returned, an much more...I remind him that I never call attention to all of this and I always look at what he does do and not aot what he does not do.

To Mark's credit, he is learning to calm down-albeit after the rage- and talk things through. He is learning to communicate with me and to listen to how I feel as well.

Last night he apologized for his behavior and had tears in his eyes....He felt so terrible for what he did....My response was not very warm....I looked at him in the eyes and said-you should feel terrible, I am glad you realize this and I appreciate your acknowledging that what you did was wrong and then I walked away.

There is NO excuse for verbal abuse...BUT I have the tools of alanon to guide me.. This is Mark's disease talking not him and as he works his tools of recovery he learns how to change his behavior one day at a time. I learn not to pay attention to the small things but to focus on the big things...The big thing is that we are finding our way through recovery and learning how to live a normal, healthy, loving life together....

Our home is a mess but nowhere near the mess it was a year ago. For this I am grateful. Our son had a sleepover party and one of his friends, who was not allowed to play at our house a year ago because of Mark's drinking, not only came to the party but was allowed to sleep over-this was the boys first time ever sleepover! Now that is progress-not perfection.

I am grateful for our progress and feel blessed. Nothing in life easy.

Warmest.

Hunter

I'M BACK

2007-11-10T06:12:00.000-08:00

Hello from Hunter,

What a wonderful week I had at Kripalu. It is an amazing place and I highly recommend it. This week was a win, win, win. I had a life transforming experience, our son and my husband bonded with nothing for me to worry about, and we will all be better for it. I will share more later but I have an awful headache....In short, I have a lot of inspiration from my husband's recovery to move forward with mine...It will take a lot of hard work but i am going to do it. My son has noticed subtle changes and in his infinite wisdom said "wow, yhou have come back a different person and in many ways I think you are going to be an even better mom!" As for Mark I am sure he is glad I am back as he missed too many AA meetings when I was gone and really needed to get to one.

More later..AND thanks for your comments.

Hunter

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU NO LONGER HAVE TO SPEND YOUR LIFE MANAGING CRISIS

2007-11-04T05:22:00.001-08:00

Hello from Hunter,

This is will be my last blog for week as I am going away, by myself, to a yoga retreat. It is the first time in over 2 years I have left our son alone with Mark, and it is the first time in over 5 years I have done something for myself. This should be an amazing journey for me and the beginning of taking my life back.

Our home is still in chaos physically. Everyplace I turn there is clutter and mess. BUT our home is no longer in chaos emotionally. Mark is a miracle everyday. He is becoming more and more articulate about his feelings, working hard, and asking for what he needs-apparently I do not hug him enough...AND as long as he continues to not drink, rigorously work his AA program, go to meetings, and work with his sponsor, I will hug him as much as he wants and needs and proably more. We are blessed and I am so very happy and proud of him.

The mess in the home pisses Mark off. Me too!!!!!! I have lived with managing the chaos of alcoholism for so many years that taking care of all of this was way too much to handle. AND whenever I cleared it in the past, it was destroyed by the animal possessing my husbsand when he drank. Now, one day at a time, in the peace of sobriety, I/we can tackle this chaos one day at time.

Believe it or not, it is a loss to not manage chaos anymore. It sounds silly by the mind says -oh my god what do I do now I don't know what to do but I do know where to start. There is much rebuilding to do-helping our child get up to speed in school as he lost over a year of learning during the worst of times as he was unavailable for learning and also he developed some poor personal habits-because of the crisis I have been an enabler for him and now must teach him with love to take care of himself. We must rebuild our marriage and build a life, for the first time, together based in knowledge of self, taking care of ourselves, leaving the past behind, and bringing our best selves to each other and this family; and then there is the clearing of clutter and organization in the home....

It will all fall into place, one day at at time..It is actually. And this week will be incredible. I will be taking care of me for the first time in a long time and frankly that is what I need to do in order to continue to grow and rebuild/build my little family. Mark and Moe will bond and Mark will be responsible and reliable and sober for the first time in years. I will have peace of mind that all is OK and when I return we will all be better, stronger, and happier and we will move tothe next phase of our live as a family in recovery.

Also, I am a huge believer in the power of prayer. All of you who read this blog, and those who comment, have been sending our family prayers as you read this and think of us. Our life is getting better everyday, and all of you have had something to do with that. Thank you so very much and we send those prayers back at you.

I guess when I return I will be using the word Namiste more. So Namiste, have a good week and perhaps Mark will blog in my absence.

Namiste-

Hunter

HELPING OTHERS AND GOING OUTSIDE OUR COMFORT ZONE

2007-11-01T06:02:00.000-07:00

Hello from Hunter-

I have been wreslting with how to get my spiritual community to reach out to families suffering from alcohlism or addiction. Outreach to families who have lost a loved one or to people suffering from cancer or other "recognized" illnesses is abundant but illnesses like addiction are often overlooked-people tend to run from them due ot fear or other reasons.

After a year of pushing and going outside my comfort zone to make something happen I was asked to write an article to be distributed to close to 1000 families. This was a great growth experience for me as I am learning how to tap into the leader within me and that in order to be a leader one must stand behind things that impassion them and push until something happens. Debate what will happen, listen and compromise...

Below is the article I wrote. If one family gets help as a result of it it will have made a difference.
If you read this and feel inspired by it please share it with people you know and/or act on some of the suggestions it contains.

GEMILUT CHASIDIM (BESTOWING KINDNESS)
TO FAMILIES SUFFERING FROM ADDICTION AND/OR DEPRESSION
Have you ever received a phone call from a friend or family member just at the right time-either when you were having a bad day or going through a difficult period of time? Did that phone call help make things a bit better and put a smile on your face? This simple act represents one of Judaism's most beautiful traditions: Gemilut Chasidim-"bestowing kindnesses"

Two often overlooked and misunderstood illnesses are depression and addiction. Both carry a social stigma and people who are affected by them often feel isolated and alone. Both are family diseases as the behavior of the person affected by the illness often does not resemble in any way the person we love and care about and there are losses and grief on many levels. Both contribute to isolation and feeling helpless to address the problems. Both often interfere with normal functioning and cause pain and suffering not only to those who have a disorder, but also to those who care about them. Both can destroy family life as well as the life of the ill person. If we know of people in this situation surely there must be some act of gemilut chasidim that we can extend to them.

Sometimes all we can do is pray. Our caring committee offers prayers. We send a beautiful handmade hamsa (healing hand) with the misheberach prayer to people we know are in need of healing and keep them close to our hearts and in our prayers. To take this a step further, if we are aware of a family or individual in this situation a call to ask how they are….is there anything we can do to help are simple acts of loving kindness we, or you, can do. You have no idea the huge difference this simple act of kindness and caring can make. We can also encourage them to contact our clergy- one of whom has training in counseling for alcoholics. They can offer spiritual guidance and direct them to therapeutic community resources.

If you know of someone who is in this situation please let your clergy know and they can contact them in a discreet and private manner. Reach out to them if you know them -- in the spirit of our tradition of gemilut chasidim -- and practice the advice that is written in the Perke Avot (the Ethics of the Fathers) which tells us to judge everyone in the scale of merit, be charitable in your assessment of their conduct, and judge not your neighbor until you have been in his situation.

Addiction and depression affect the young and the old, rich and poor, men and women. Like any challenge we may face, our chances for success are much better with the support of family and community. If you are dealing with addiction and/or depression in your home or family please ask for help.

Our house of worship is a sanctuary. It is filled with peace and unconditional love. It is a refuge and sometimes when it feels like it is too much to just get out of bed, it is a place to come to celebrate Shabbat, work on the many activities we offer, find friendship and fellowship. It is a place for young and old alike and it is always here, waiting to welcome you. You are never alone and you always have family, right here.

Random thoughts on New Beginnings

2007-10-28T07:23:00.000-07:00

Hello again from Hunter,

Some random thoughts today. My mom's passing has opened up a new vista and new beginning for me.

I have always been a emotional wreck and the passing of my mother wouldhave in the past sent me into a terrible tailspin of sadness, self pity, and depression. But my mother has an extraordinary spirit. She stayed in her earthly body until things were truly in order and I am experiencing a beautiful peace and calmness since her passing. I know that her spirit is with me and around me, and Iknow there is life beyond death. I don't know exactly what I believe it is but I know it is peaceful and full of beauty..It is in the air taht we do not see. My son says he believes that when our spiriet leaves our body it goes someplace for a while and then gets reborn by choosing a body/baby to go to. This is similar to a buddhist or other Eastern religious concept and it seems to make sense to me...Anyway, I am finding peacefulness and serenity with mom's passing.....and a lot of love.

I am getting ready to start my journey of self care and awareness. I am going to a yoga retreat for a week and getting very excited. Without sobriety in our home I never could leave and coudl not do this. This was a loving gift from my mom and sister and I am grateful and excited.

Mark and I are learning to communicate better. Mostly he i slearning to be honest with his feelings. I am grateful and proud that he is feeling htis way and look forward to a beautiful life together.

OK enought random thoughts. I have to get on with my day. HOpefully Mark can write at some point soon, it has been awhile.

Warmest,

Hunter

God's To Do List

2007-10-24T05:57:00.000-07:00

Recently I read a book entitled God’s To Do List by Ron Wolfson as part of a spiritual community read. As part of the excercise we were asked to share our family to do list. When I shared mine, which I put together with my family, I received many comments, calling me and my family inspirational . As it had this effect on this small group, I thought I would share it in my blog in the hopes of inspiring others.

Our family To Do list also reflects a long struggle with alcohol addiction and recovery as well as caregiving and emotional trauma related to an aging parent with Alzheimer’s.

My husband’s descent into the deep abyss of alcoholism nearly bankrupted us, nearly destroyed our family and marriage, and nearly robbed our child of the ability to be happy joyous and free. Things did not get better until we turned to prayer and meditation and recovered spiritually, physically, and mentally. Our life together is a miracle since he has become sober and getting better every day. We have to work hard everyday to keep this miracle alive-and this is where our To Do list is very powerful.

Our To Do list is also very powerful in helping others manage the stress and emotional trauma associated with caring for aging parents and coping with Alzheimer’s. Just today I helped a friend dealing with this stress and directed her to resources that are affordable and can ease peace of mind.

Finally, I could not get my family to sit down and read or listen to me read the entire book so I read the book and gave them the cliffs notes version. We read the heading for each chapter and then the suggested to do list at the end of each chapter. Each of us circled 2 of the suggested ideas.

So here you go-our families to do list in cliffs notes format:

In cliffs notes, I always started with the end of the book. The end of Ron Wolfson’s book listed items 100-103. Our family believes they are an excellent beginning:
Together they read as follows: Look at every human being you meet, face-to-face, eye-to-eye, and heart-to-heart. Recognized everyone’s spark of divinity and smile….In truth this says it all!

1. CREATE:
This is one of my favorites.
1) Our son is taking guitar lessons and learning to write songs

2) My husband is building a new business doing something he loves

3) I am publishing for my family a series of love letters my mom saved from WWII written by her and my dad, as well as a scrapbook of memories and recollections of the two of them.

4) Dance to the music and allow our spirit to run free

5) Each of us plans to do something daring, outside our comfort zone to tap into a new side of our creativity and thrive

6) All of us are planning to surround ourselves with artistic creative people, environments and experiences

7) Laugh-we all plan to find the humor in life and situations and learn to laugh more.

2. BLESS:
1) With all the hardships we have faced over the past few years it would seem that it is hard to find blessings in our life. But as a family we have learned that it is the little things in life that are blessings and they are abundant. Some of our blessings include:
Our spiritual communities and the fellowship of AA; the town where we live and all the amenities and kindness that is abundant here; true sobriety in our home, our beautiful son; our health; and the miracle we build as a family together everyday. There are always things we don’t have that we want, such as I would have loved to have had more children and of course win the powerball but it is not the card we were dealt today and we are learning each day to love what we have and not what we don’t

2) Ask your clergy for blessings in times of need and thank those who help you: We have asked out clergy for many blessings over the past few years to help with addiction that ravaged our family as well as to help ease the grief of losing my mother. Our son, who is in elementary school, was especially affected by the death of his grandmother. Our clergy, and school psychologist were there to help him make some sense of things before the funeral and continues to be there for him to help him understand bereavement. We are grateful that we asked and that our clergy has been there to give us blessings and counsel and we are glad that we learned how to ask. Asking for blessings is not easy. Learning to do so and receiving the help you need, when in truth you can not do it alone, is powerful.

3) Bless our home.

With all the chaos in our life, our home has not been a sanctuary of peace and tranquility. As our life is changing, our home is becoming more peaceful everyday. This year we will clean house, eliminate clutter, and hang mezuzahs on our doors.

4) Make time for our family everyday…

Share a meal, watch a family movie, play a game together, talk, laugh, listen, hug, love, and help each other be the best we can be everyday. And set aside one day a week as family activity day-each person will be in charge on a rotating basis for planning something to do.

3. REST
1) We plan to participate in the family dinners at our house of worship this year.
2) Rest when tired, relax in warm bubble bath. Help each other to learn this is OK
3) We have not been able to go on vacation for 2 years. We are planning a long weekend away as a family before the end of the year.
4) Recognize that you can not do everything, do what you can and take a break…then start over again.
5) Make quiet time for ourselves, alone without each other to find our inner peace and learn to love ourselves.
6) I personally have been too busy caring for others and managing crisis to take care of myself. I was given a gift to go away to a yoga retreat for a week…I am going and plan to recharge my batteries and take care of myself.

4. CALL-
1) Listen to that voice within us which always tells us what the next right
thing to do is. We all hear this voice within us and all to often do not listen to it. Listen, really listen to the good voice inside of us that tells us what the next right thing to do is, and do it.

2) In this chapter it talks about honoring our parents. I was fortunate enough to really like both of my parents, as well as love them. The book points out that some children end up not loving their parents but that it is still important to honor them. As both my parents have passed away I recognize the importance of honoring their legacy and continuing with the good that they taught me. I have honored my mother by helping others who have eldercare issues and are struggling with Alzheimer’s. And while she was alive I found the magic moments of life, even when her disease was robbing her of her memory. To honor my mom I have answered the request sent out by our house of worship to drive someone that needs a ride. I also hope to practice one of her biggest gifts in all my affairs and teach this to my family. This is to have the capacity to love deeply, see the good in people, believe in the healing power of love, never give upon people and forgive, and to find a special place in my heart for everyone I touch and inspire them. My husband has issues with his parents, as do I. As part of our to do list we are going to learn to honor his parents and do what we can. We will start by calling more as a family on a regular basis.
3) As our family has suffered from the ravages of addiction and is enjoying the miracle of recovery all of us are actively involved in reaching out to help others who are still sick and suffering. My husband, who was out of work for 5 years struggled to find work and now has a job and is in a position to employ others. He seeks out people in recovery who are sober and struggling to get back on their feet who need work, hires them and in this way helps them get back on their feet and stay sober…I am involved with a program that helps the 1 in 4 children under the age of 18 who live in alcoholic households.
4) My family, me especially, are guilty of using too much email to communicate. We will endeavor to call our family more often and check in. This really does make people feel good. We plan to identify a few people we have not spoken to in a long time, and as Ron Wolfson said in his presentation, we will call them just to say hello and see how they are doing.

5) Practice HUMILITY: Learn to ask when you need help and recognize that you cannot do it all. Allow someone else to help you and care for you and give back when you can. Our family had a very real experience with this over the past few years: Our family was recently in a position where we could not afford gas for our car or groceries. We changed up soda cans to buy gas and we were the recipients of those bags of food from the community pantries. I came from an upper middle class family and never wanted for anything. Finding my family in this position was horrible and unfamiliar. But we needed to eat and we did not have work and needed to do whatever was necessary to take care of our family. We asked for help and it was there. This year we helped prepare those bags for others so that they could be filled with food for people in need. We remembered how excited we were to be the recipient of this food when we needed it (of course I would have preferred more whole wheat pasta and healthy food in the bags) and we were grateful to help others.

6) Continue to become part of our town and spiritual community and participate actively.

5. COMFORT
1) I will continue to to help bereaved families.
2) Recognize when you cannot do it all and ask for help.-learning that it is OK and helping others learn that it is OK. I remember last year sending a meal to a friend and her family when they were in need of help. She did not want to accept this act of kindness. I “pushed” her into it and felt bad for being so pushy. BUT to this day she continues to thank me and has learned to reach out to others.
3) Continue to reach out to families suffering from the ravages of addiction and offer our experience strength and help.
a. Send prayers to those who are struggling or ill...Sometimes this is all you can do.
b. Make someone laugh or smile with a cute story. Recognize the healing power of laughter.

6) CARE
a. Make sure people around you feel loved and special everyday
i. Tell someone they have a beautiful smile or that they made your day or that you appreciate them
ii. Never go to bed angry with those closest to you.
iii. Make time everyday to tell each other and our children we love them and give hugs.
2) Do something anonymously-we all plan to do at least one thing anonymously this year.

3) Love our little family deeply and unconditionally.

4) Really listen to someone else. Let them talk without interrupting them, paraphrase what they say to make sure you understood, and respect their thoughts, even if you do not agree. Learn to compromise, or peacefully agree to disagree.

7) REPAIR
1) Our family is going to get involved with a “green” group and we use energy efficient light bulbs and recycle.

2) Exercise Compassion: When people do not act the way we would like them to act or appear to be unkind or unreasonable. Recognize that you may not be able to change them and that their behavior may not have anything to do with you. They may have deep rooted pain and baggage from life they are carrying around. Exercise compassion, pray for them and allow them to be who they are.

3) Look everyday for opportunities to make the world better and act on those we can.

4) Say what you mean, mean what you say, but do not say it mean. Do not be afraid to stand up for yourself or others.

8) WRESTLE-
1) Addiction and bereavement are two very powerful forces to wrestle with. It does not seem fair that we have had to deal with both. Our son has recently asked “Why is God cursing me?” To deal with his we have asked for help, and as stated earlier our clergy has been there to help our son. What I have learned from my wrestling with these issues is to move through them and find the healing opportunities in them. There is a prayer that helps me with this, and I recite it whenever I wrestle with many issues in life that seem unfair. It is as follows:

Illness and Disease can be either a fence or a gate.

As a fence, it divides,
Keeping people either in or out.

While protection is important, and may be necessary at times,
There is beauty on both sides.

As a gate, it joins,
Opening up new vistas,
New friendships,
And new knowledge.

Illness and "Dis"ease are not what we would have chosen for ourselves,
But they are what we have in our or our loved ones' lives.
Let us learn to see the gateways it provides
And to move through them
As the truly beautiful
Images of God that we can be.

Our family will help others struggling with addiction and also those struggling with Alzheimer’s and do all we can to help. We also will never forget that God is always with us as we wrestle with whatever issues life brings us. And we will always look for the healing that comes from these lessons. We also will remember that we will not always get resolution or answers and we might not agree with the situation and that sometimes we need to just accept things as they are and move one.

9) GIVE
As we have been in a difficult financial situation we have not been able to give monetarily. I have felt bad about this. From this experience I learned that giving my time and talent is just as important in giving and that giving is not just about money. As a family we give of our time generously we do and will continue to do the following:

Participate in community activities and committees
Reach out to families struggling with addiction and eldercare issues
Donate things we do not use or need
Learn to identify our passions and what we are good at and act on it-I personally am wrestling with this as I reinvent my career which had stalled
And one we all really liked: Surprise someone with your presence. We are not yet sure who we will surprise but we will think about it.

10) FORGIVE-

This is one of the most powerful things on this list for us.
First we are all learning to forgive ourselves. We are not perfect but everyday we
are doing the best we can.

Forgiving others is a wonderful and healing experience. I practice this everyday and it is amazing and very freeing. Anger is a horrible emotion to carry around. It really feels good to forgive and I have learned that we can forgive just about everything.

Ask for forgiveness. For our family this is very important. We have also learned a valuable lesson….not everyone has the capacity to forgive and asking for forgiveness is something we do to cleanse ourselves. For people who do not have the capacity to forgive we practice other things on this to do list, we practice compassion and understanding and we pray for them…THAT is NOT easy! BUT it is part of forgiveness.

Practice compassion: understand that most of us are doing the best we can that day. When people to not act the way we would like them to act or appear to be unkind or unreasonable. Recognize that you may not be able to change them and that their behavior may not have anything to do with you. Exercise compassion and allow them to be who they are.

And our families final item, which is not in the Cliff notes: Accept ourselves as we are, acknowledge our strengths, and work everyday to improve ourselves.

Would love to hear your to do lists...

Warmest,

Hunter

I MISS HER SO-Excerpt from another blog

2007-10-19T13:34:00.000-07:00

In March of this year I started a journal about my mom. The first entry was written in March and was entitled "I miss her so" It's contents are below. The difference between now and then is that I can not go and see her.. But in some senses I am more with her now than before. Here is the entry:
from March 2007
I miss mom so very much. I see women 84 on TV with their minds in tact and I wonder why not my mom.....why...I see books and stories about mothers and daughters and how they talk everyday...I always talked to my mom everyday...I looked out for her for so many years after my dad died. We fought so very much and yelled and screamed...it was horrible.. But we loved so very much.. She always knew what I liked and what was best for me and always helped me. She loved to shop and always left out clothes for me on my bed that she thought would look good on me...They always did and I wore the heck out of them...Funny-I married someone who does the same thing. I guess I am lucky we shared this and I know I will always be grateful for the days and times we shared I will always wish there were more of them....It is springtime and as I look outside I see birds chirping and looking for food on the sill leafless trees. Springtime is rebirth and in so many ways my life is in rebirth this year. I pray i make the best of it."

Today it is not Springtime, it is Autumn. The leaves are resplendent in color and there is a gentle peace in our home. Mark has taken the afternoon off and is resting, our son is home and relaxing, and the rain is pelting down outside. It is a very strong rain-one that has swept most of the country and even caused several tornado's.

A dear friend of mine once told me that rain after a sad event, like the passing of a loved one, is a reminder from the Universe and God, that all is well. The rain makes everything clean and ready for a new start....In the case of the weather we have and are experiencing, I believe it is a powerful one from my mom and dad, and some other very famous and powerful personalities who have passed recently. A message that all is well but that we have to wake up and take care of our planet.

That's all for now..

Warmest,

Hunter

Reminder-First Year of Sobriety is EARLY Recovery

2007-10-18T04:33:00.000-07:00

Hello Again from Hunter,

I am grieving deeply the loss of my mother. No one will ever hug me again and let me know everything is OK in the reassuring way that she always did. I have a beautiful child and I am lucky that I can give that kind of love to him. I too need that love and sadly I have a husband who is sick who cannot be there for me in this way. He is still in early recovery and I don't quite understand it completely but all his energy goes into him not taking the first drink. I know from my program that I have to let things roll off my back, especially the many unkind and angry words he says and the hyper behavior...it is all part of recovery. BUT I am not a machine and I have feelings. I can only take so much before I explode. I need a bit of love and compassion -I lost my mother. I know that he does not quite understand this as he does not have this kind of close relationship wtih his mother. I do know that if his dad died tomorrow it would have a profound effect on him and it would hurt-hopefully he will have enough recovery under his belt not to drink. Anyway, I exploded yesterday and today. Unfortunately this did not change things....it never will. Today I am going to pray that I can find the right words and behavior to express my needs, my hurts, my disappointments, and I will pray that Mark is open enough to hear me.

Until later.

Hunter

Taking Care of Ourselves

2007-10-17T04:50:00.000-07:00

Hello-

Some readers my be wanting to know what happened to Mark. Answer: He is working....it is a new life and full of adjustments..Not only is he working, he is employing people in recovery helping them get back on track.....As Mark has not worked in many years he has been too busy to do much more than get to his meetings, go to work, eat dinner with his family and go to sleep...I will encourage him to write soon-promise.

My Alanon sponsor came to the store Mark works at on opening day...Her comment to me was "I have never seen Mark sober"...that in of itself is "sobering".

Anyway with my mom gone and Mark sober and working and our son enjoying a normal home life I am free to focus on me. I was given a gift to go away to a yoga retreat for a week where there are classes on integrative weight loss. I am getting my mind and self ready for this amazing trip and realize that I have an addiction to food and am just hitting my bottom-fortunately I do not weigh 300 pounds but could if I continue on the spiral I am on. Never the less I am confronting that I do not love myself. If I did my body and appearance would be important to me....it is not. I have spent a lot of time nurturing my soul recently and need to continue to do this work in order to be the best I can be. I look forward to this.

Hunter

My mom passed away

2007-10-10T16:24:00.000-07:00

I lost my best friend and mother on Sept. 26th at 9:30 am. She had Alzheimer's and for several years was not able to completely be the vibrant, feisty, wonderful lady that I was proud to be related to but always she was someone I was proud to be related to and adored with all my heart and soul. She was lucky to live in her own home surrounded by wonderful caregivers and to never be in a nursing home or assisted living facility (yuck, I do not like those places).

I am grateful to have a strong 12 step program and a husband who is truly sober and recovering mentally, spiritually, and physically and who is working.

I have had to deal with a family that is "nuts" for lack of a better word-my sister's husband never spoke a civil word to my mother, nor her to him, until she was mentally incapable of remembering. My sister, his wife, was the person who was given durable power of attny over my mothers affairs, and in effect he managed them with him over the years and continues to do so. This is hard for me as he hates me, in fact he did not say a word to me over the past few weeks except to tell me that in his eyes I am f-----g dead! What a nice guy!

On top of this my brother disapproved of my son being involved in my mom's funeral and we had serious words about this. My son was very close to his grandma and prior to her memorial service we spent a great deal of time with clergy and school psychologist discussing what was appropriate for him....AND I must say for an elementary school boy he handled things magnificently.

We were also unable to publish my mother's obituary in the newspapers because of something one of my family members did in the past! Unbelievable!

Thank God I have strong program and let all of this roll off my back...after all confronting it would not really serve any higher purpose or resolve things. Believe me it was not easy.

I also had to manage my husband during this time. He is still in early recovery (10 months) and has not seen my family in many years. They blame him for his past and have not yet forgiven him-nor do they really understand his disease..BUT my husband was terrific. He had a plan and a very strong 12 step recovery in place. He had his phone with him at all times, stayed closed to people in his program, watched over our son, and was a tremendous support and strength for me.

After the service we all went to my uncles for meal and to receive visitors. Mark, God bless him, he had a plan....although he was there to be there for me, he had to put his sobriety and helping another alcoholic above all else. At my uncles there were a lot of open bottles of wine and alcohol around, it was too much for him. He talked to me and asked if I was OK with him leaving. YES I said, nothing comes before your sobriety...I love you.

Thank G-d for good recovery and thank G-d we love each other and have made it to this point together.

I am grieving a lot and I miss my mom terribly. Our son who was very close to her is also missing her terribly. I am grateful he has our clergy to talk with and help him deal with this, they have been amazing.

I spoke at my mom's memorial. These are some of the words I said " My mother and I shared a closeness and love for one another that many people are never lucky enough to have with a parent…much less with someone as special as her. I learned so much from my mother. The biggest of these gifts was the capacity to love deeply, see the good in people, believe in the healing power of love, never give up on them, and to forgive. My mom excelled at this and it was one of the many things that made her so wonderful. It is hard to come to grips with Alzheimer’s and see someone so vibrant and bright not remember you or the legacy of their life. To help deal with this I recited this prayer often over the years. It is a prayer for Understanding and Learning from "Dis" ease and Illness

Illness and Disease can be either a fence or a gate.

As a fence, it divides,
Keeping people either in or out.

While protection is important, and may be necessary at times,
There is beauty on both sides.

As a gate, it joins,
Opening up new vistas,
New friendships,
And new knowledge.

Illness and "Dis"ease are not what we would have chosen for ourselves,
But they are what we have in our or our loved ones' lives.
Let us learn to see the gateways it provides
And to move through them
As the truly beautiful Images of God that we can be

I also must mention that I recited this prayer every day at the waters edge for one year praying for my husbands recovery....It worked.

On another topic Mark is opening a new store for his company this week. VERY EXCITING and VERY HIGH PROFILE. The day before my mom died I called her and although she could not verbalize that she knew who I was or what I was saying, I know she understood. I told her that Mark was working, truly sober, and that our son was having the best year of his life...I know she was happy and relieved...and I know this gave her the strength to let go and move on to the next phase of her spiritual life. I believe this is a good thing and that she is in a good place and that our life is due to get better and better every day.....

I am tired. Just wanted to write as it has been a while.

Hunter

"New Clothing"

2007-09-19T06:47:00.000-07:00

I have been so busy and doing so much computer work that time spent blogging on the computer has not been a high priority. BUT documenting our life together in the first year of recovery is important....we have turned a major corner.

Mark celebrated 9 months of solid recovery last week. It is a miracle. Today I am a wife and mother for the first time in our marriage. I have a husband who is at work and not around the house. He is sober. He calls to tell me he loves me. There is a paycheck from him and opportunity for a future.....This is new clothing for me....I like it.but it takes some getting used to.

It also makes the not so nice parts of my life easier. that would include calling my mom and having her not be able to talk to me and not knowing who I am. that is a pain that will always hurt. But in my new clothes I hope I can afford to go and see her and hold her hand.

I recently shared these thoughts with a friend of mine who is a well known and highly respected therapist, author, and TV personality. She is someone I admire and love dearly. She called me inspiring, which coming from her is a supreme compliment. Her comments brought a tear to my eye and are as follows:

"Hunter, YOU are an amazing person. You have stood by Mark when others (including me) questioned whether this was the healthiest choice for you and your son. It is a blessing to hear that you are happy and feeling fulfilled. You deserve to have the man you love acknowledge you in such a positive and reaffirming way. You are intent on creating a healing environment and I am sure you will continue to do that. You are inspiring.

She also commented on my experience with my mom and her disease of alzheimers and reminded me that my journey through the dark path of addiction and the road of recovery with Mark has taught me how to handle many situations. She wrote as follows:

"There are many ways to “feel” another person. When those we love go into other places and spaces and we don’t feel we can access them in the familiar ways (phone calls, physical recognition, etc.) we wonder if they can feel us; sense us when we are there with them. I believe they get our energy and know on some level that they are still connected. It just may be a different way and on a different plane. It is not always obvious (maybe never) but we must recall we are felt by the person. You have a lot of experience with patience and believing in someone who is not able to receive you as you present yourself (that would be Mark.) Now you are experiencing this again in a different way. You can still send your mom calming energy and see herself feeling at peace in the state she is in."

So that is where things are today. Mark is working, doing something he loves, and has a good future. I am working 2 part time jobs. Still not being treated fairly at one and having some compensation problems with the other. BUT both are expanding my experience and skill set, both are giving me training in new media and new industries, and both are putting me on a path to earning a lot of money in the future.

As part of my new clothing I am also learning to say what I mean in a nice way and mean it. I have been uncomfortable with my new boss and his philosophy on compensation. I am a contract, hourly employee and if I make a mistake in my work he makes me correct it on my dime and not charge him. Sometimes this takes 4-5 hours and I don't think this is fair. BUT I have a huge opportunity down the road with him and in the industry that he is teaching me so for today I am willing to manage this. Sadly it has affected my work ethic and instead of working anytime night or day from home, weekends, and holidays, I am now only willing to invest a certain amount of time. His behavior has caused me to stop thinking and acting like an owner of the business and instead to behave like a contract employee who is expendable.......It boggles my mind that so many people are clueless at how to motivate people...But I do know that I have a voice and today I told my new boss that it took me 5 hours to redo a project and during the course of this I discovered errors that he made. I told him that I think it is fair for me to bill him for some of my time and told him I would bill him for 1 hour...I am still being overly generous here, but it was hard for me to ask for this and I am glad I did..I pray he is OK with it.......I do not like nickel and diming people and like it even less when they nickel and dime me....

What bout being able to take deep breaths....Today as we try out our new clothing we stil have major financial troubles, including a home in foreclosure and many unpaid bills. But today we do not have to change up soda cans to buy gas in the car and live off food stamps as there is some money coming in....I saw a movie last night called Conversations with God...It frightened me that my family was almost as bad off as the lead character who lost his home, lived in a tent and had to find food in dumpsters to eat...The main character wrote a book "Conversations with God" and received a million dollars advance and it became an overwhelming best seller. The message dealt wtih humility. When he got the money he helped those who were there for him and still poor, and in the end although he now had no more money troubles he was one with the homeless man he once was. I feel this message and I feel this character. I feel that our life will turn around and that money will not be an issue in the future. BUT I/we will always be one with the people we had to become when there was sickness and no money...Not everyone is like this, including my sister who I love dearly.

My sister is in charge of my mother's money since mom has Alzheimer's and is in later stages. Mom's philosophy was always to give to those in need and give whatever they needed. This is not my sisters. Her philosophy is that there are 4 children and everything should be distributed equally. My sister is a wonderful person and I love her very much but I have a problem with her attitude on this subject. It is not my place to take her inventory but I do know that I would be much more Godlike in my behavior it the tide was turned..She owns two homes outright and winters in one and summers in the other, her kids want for nothing, she and her husband drive new Mercedes or whatever car they want every 2 years and all their kids have new cars, she owns artwork worth millions, she has beautiful jewelry and can buy whatever she needs and most things she wants. My family has lived below the Federal poverty level for past few years.....during this time financial help from my family was denied and I was told I was already give too much..So instead she and my siblings each received distributions of 20,000.....IF I was in her position and she in mine I would have given her my share and been glad about it.....It boggles my mind.....

But I guess that is what my very hard experience has taught me and I guess that is why someone I greatly respect has called me an inspiration. I guess that is why I believe all will be OK and instead of freaking out I am calm and steady.

I like these new clothes and I like my Starbucks coffee that I can afford once again to treat myself to in the morning. I pray that financial abundance comes my my not because I worship money but because I believe in God and the good in the universe and want to give in every way I can...and on this earth money helps and enables me to help myself, my family, and many others.

Hunter

THE SINKING FEELING IN MY STOMACH UPON SEEING A POLICE CAR THIS MORNING ON MY STREET

2007-08-31T05:08:00.000-07:00

Hello from Hunter. This morning as I took my son to the bus stop I saw a police car behind his school bus. My heart sunk through my stomach. Police cars used to be a regular fixture at our house during Mark's active days. Now, as we are clearing out the wreckage of the past and still haunted by financial problems and missed papers in the mail a police car scars the crap out of me. I never want anymore trouble-especially with the police. So when the police car went past my house and kept on moving a huge sigh of relief could be echoed by me throughout our homw.

Mark and I have both been so busy that neither of us has had time to blog. But important for quick update. Our behaviors continue to change in positive ways. Mark still acts out sometimes, especially as he is adjusting to a life transition of working-responsible living. He likes his work, does not make a lot of money but is doing something he loves...the money will come but he is not used to working and it is a transition. So, he takes his frustrations out on me-something he has been used to doing for some time during his active days and something I accepted (God knows why). Today I no longer accept verbal abuse and tirades and I have a voice to defend myself that is not shrill and shouting. It is a calm voice, one that says how I feel, one that rejects verbal abuse, and one that sets boundaries. I am proud of this. I am also grateful to see the one day at a time changes in Mark. He is becoming a better listener (not great yet) and acknowledges, upon reflection, when he has upset me, and I know is working toward getting better at expressing his feeling and identifying what they are.

I can not write more now, my eyes hurt from the computer. I am working 2 jobs and one is entirely dependent on the computer-a killer on the eyes. I have never had to work so many hours for so little money-I pray I can get back to where I was one day and do more challenging work.

Ok by for now. Very tired. Mark at a meeting toinight. I will gently remind him to blog soon. It has been a while.

LIFE IF BECOMING MORE NORMAL-WHATEVER THAT HIS

2007-08-21T06:15:00.000-07:00

Quick blog from Hunter..Here is where we are at today. I wake up to the sound of Mark on the phone working. YES!!! This is familiar to me as this is what my dad did, my uncle did, and all other successful business people I know. About time for him to be BACK on track.. It isg reat to see the sparkle in Mark's eye. Work is fun when you are doing something you like and appreciated...I am liking my second job a lot. I am appreciated in this job, unlike the other part time job I have. I still don't love the work but it is good for today..And best of all is that we don't have to return soda cans to find money to fill the car up with gas. Hard to believe we have lived this way but we have...it is scary.

ON another NORMAL note. My sister, and 2 nieces and one nephew-all in their 20's and 30's, except for my sister who is much older than me, came to our home for a family barbeque and reunion. This was the first time our famioy has done this as all my siblings are dysfunctional in one way or another. BUT their kids are GREAT. Getting all of us together minus one niece and her kids, one nephew and one sister, was amazing.AND best of all we ALL want to to it again next year. AND best of all it made a HUGE difference that my husband was sober. So all good on that front.

Anyway-I have to get to work as I only get paid by the hour and need the money.

later..

Hunter..

P.S. Some have asked if they acan post a link to our blog from theirs..ABSOLUTELY YES! Just let me know and when I don't feel so overwhelmed and technically challenged I will add yours to our blog.

keep blogging

2007-08-13T10:08:00.000-07:00

Mark still an Alcoholic

I have almost given up on my blogging but I must remember that it is important to stay in touch so others can join me in my recovery ,you know it is not good not to blog just because things are starting to go well so I make amends to all and will tell you my recent experience strenght and hope.

As you know I am a chronic relapser !good news I am still sober I have attended daily meetings at least two a day . I am doing well with recovery and I am now working and that is a miracle!

Let me tell you what I am doing I am working for a company run by people in recovery a true gift I wont use the name yet ,we worked with recycled luxury product and the ultimate profit goes to a twelve step programme .

I think the hardest thing for me to deal with is living in the real world ,the first event I was at was a booze fest I am extremely fortunate that my boss is in recovery and other fellows in my meetings were at the event.I have had the obsession lifted from me but I must never forget I am still as close to a drink as when I stooped .

The meetings in the bank are great but it is deadly important that I continue with daily meetings .My recovery has to come first and working with other recovering people is great my direct boss the president of the company is in recovery and he understands me .I have been running a lot of meetings lately and I have many commitments to the programme ,I truly enjoy my recovery and I am blessed with new beginnings .I am however reminded daily by Hunter that the damage needs to be delt with I think this is truly a problem for recovery as you have to take responsibility for your actions and that's tough.

I am starting to get a little grounded and some serenity however I do still act out and need to work with my sponsor although he is a moody bastard to learn to live ,understand and be aware of others .

The true gift is knowing I don't have to drink any more and that I have a plan that my higher power is running and not me it seems to work better that way. The real gift is in the family recovery and the making of new friends which is great when I was drinking I really did not have any true friends. Friends from the rooms bring me lunch ,coffee we talk and we are all smart guys it really amazes me what happens to the great minds when we put poison in the system.

I am going to break now because I am at work what a great thing I have many more things to tell but most of all try for today not to pick up that first drink!its that one that starts the chaos!

Thanks Mark alcoholic!

Good Orderly Direction and OK

2007-08-12T11:35:00.000-07:00

Hello from Hunter.

Living in a relationship with a partner in recovery gets better each month they are sober. I talked with Mark today about his behaviour a few months ago when my family sent a check for our son so he could get a Wii. I never received the check-Mark cashed it and threw away the note without showing it to us or telling us. His recovery back then was to spend the money on things we needed and not to feed his addiction. Today with additional months of sobriety he would not cash the check. He would give it to us and show us the note. It was horribly embarrassing when this happened a few months ago...I am grateful we are past that stage. Actually things are so much better and more normal today that I sometimes wonder how much better can it get...I look forward to the wonderful surprises in store for the future.

I started a new part time job to supplement my other one and worked a few hours this weekend. I am working with someone in their home. It is incredible to be in a peaceful family environment...Although I currently live in one, it is still hard for me to believe that this is normal for most people. Anyway I like my new job and the person I work for and I believe it will move me in a Good Orderly Direction in my career.

SO What is GOOD ORDERLY DIRECTION???? It means much more to me today than it did in the past. In general Good Orderly Direction (acronym GOD) means things are moving in the right direction, according to God's plan, and life is getting better one day at a time...OR life is good and going well....

What does it mean when we say we are OK? It means things are not so great but we are accepting them as they are. OR I wish things were different but won't really tell you how bad it is....

I pray that things continue on in our life on the GOD path rather than the OK path..

Sometimes I think when people say things are OK they are not grateful for what they have and always looking for the next best thing. When things are on the Good Orderly Directio path they have accepted what they have and not what they don't have and are moving forward with their lives rather than standing still.

Until tomorrow

Hunter.

P.S. Mark is promising to blog tonight...Shall we bet on it?????

NEW BEGINNINGS

2007-08-09T15:36:00.000-07:00

Short blog from Hunter...

I am exhausted.! But in a good way. I started a second part time job today-this one is in a field that I have wanted to explore and with a growth opportunity. Best is that the pay is 2x as much as my other part time job. Even better news is that Mark started a new job today!!!!!!!!! This is a true miracle and a milestone on our road to recovery.

I know so much is going to get better now that we are both working...And best of all we are both doing things we enjoy. Mark full time and me part time, which works well for me as I do want to have the flexibility to be there for our son.

I have also been invited to sit on a state panel to help evaluate how the state is spending its resources helping adults 18 and over with addiction programs. In a word I think money should be spent in areas that it is not at present-including training people in the courts and family services about addiction and recovery. I have many ideas and I hope that this new role will

help make a difference.

Thank you to all of you who have been sending us prayers. Please keep sending them, we are not out of the woods yet in terms of financial difficulties but we are on the right track. I also firmly believe that prayers are not answered until those who the prayers are meant for are truly open and ready to receive....It is amazing what does happen when we open ourselves to healing.

On another matter Mark and I need to work on communication. I am much further along in my 12 step recovery than Mark and am much less angry. I know when to just let things go and not take them to heart..He does not yet know how to to do this. It creates tremendous tension on a daily basis as he overreacts to everything. BUT the good thing is that we continue to talk about these things and he is aware....He is excited and nervous about his new work-I have to stay calm and help him be balanced... Luckily he is surrounded by strong program and friends in the program and his new boss is in recovery....Does not get much better than that for a new transition! God is truly looking out for us.

Until tomorrow.

Hunter

Don't Engage

2007-08-05T18:45:00.000-07:00

Fairly uneventful weekend....except for finding out there is no money in the bank...Will have to find out what is going on Monday. This time it is not Mark's fault. Although as a recovering alcoholic he thinks everything his his fault. Mark projects a lot of his anger and bad feelings onto me and our son and acts out terribly. But as I have have said before I understand what it is...he talks about it and calms down and stops the behavior...I stand up for myself and also learn when to just not engage as it is useless and the episode is meaningless. When things calm down I discuss and slowly things are getting better. mark carries his AA big book everyplace with him. He is serious about this recovery and I am proud of him... We are enjoying more and more good family time together....All getting better one day at time..

That's it...short blog as not much to say. I hope Mark blogs soon. I know he is thinking about it.

Regards,

Hunter

Learing from our Past, Putting Things to Rest, and Moving Forward

2007-08-02T05:13:00.000-07:00

Hello from Hunter.

The past few days have been draining. I have courageously revisited the life I have lived over the past few years - this time from a place of strength and health. Why have I revisited my past???? To help heal the 1 in 25 children under 18 (25%) who grow up in homes where there is active alcoholism or addiction.

The town I live in is rich. Rich in resources, rich in human kindness, rich in its commitment to helping people in recovery, and rich in beauty. Our son has had the benefit of an amazing school system and school psychologist who have nurtured him and given him the tools to survive and thrive in a home that was run amok from the affects of alcoholism. Our son has a mom who was not embarrassed to let the school know what was happening at home. End result-our son has a voice and knows when he is powerless and when he is not.

By way of example-Mark was having a bad day recently (this happens to all of us and more so to those in early recovery). Mark was acting up and told us that we are going to make him go out and start drinking again. I did nothing as if he chooses to do this I can not stop him and I explained this to our son. Our son looked at me and said "Mom there is something I CAN do and I am going to do it now". He stood up, went to his dad, threw his arms around his dad and told him how much he loved him, how proud of him he is and how wonderful it is that he is sober, and looked at him square in the eyes and asked him to please not drink, and to please continue his commitment to sobriety as he loves his new life and all the wonderful things that are happening now that daddy is sober. SO with that Mark, with tears in his eyes stopped acting out. And with that I became more determined to help other kids learn to manage their lives when all else seems unmanageable.

So what did I do? A friend from NACoA (National Association for Children of Alcoholics http://www.nacao.org/) came to my town and spent 2 days in meetings with me to discuss their programs and the logistics for organizing a run for the children in our town. I told my story over and over again, and even joked with her saying that I have friends in high places-police, domestic violence, DCF, Town Hall, etc...Most of the police in this town know me and my family by face and first name as they have been to our home in the past. They did comment how good it was to see me in a healthy place and that we are very lucky all worked out as it did-it is rare. At Domestic Violence Crisis Center we visited with the counsellor who placed my son and me in a shelter in the past and moderated a support group that I attended. She was shocked to see me and elated to see that my life, my marriage, and my family are happy and healthy. Rarely does she see that kind of success story and most of the time people come in crisis and disappear. BUT this was VERY draining to me at the end of each day. I had succeeded in acknowledging what I went through, shared my experience and recovery, and made a commitment to help others (steps 4-12 in action!).

I am now excited about this project I will be working on and I hope that it will open up some doors for me professionally as well. I heard one thing from the many I spoke to who were there for me in crisis and her again for me to help me help others. All of them said "Hunter, one thing at a time. You are on the right path...all will work out. And in the words of someone who was very special to me in the past "Don't worry Hunter. Life will deal you a fair hand"....I carry those words with me always and think of this person with a smile...
-Hunter

P.S. Mark and I have both not blogged in a while. A lot going on. I will encourage Mark to blog later today.

POWERLESS AND POWERFULL

2007-07-26T14:09:00.000-07:00

Hello from Hunter. Family doing well in recovery. I am learning everyday to not react to many of mark's "isms" and he is learning how to handle himself better..All in all a miracle.

Learning the difference between being powerless and powerful is a huge part of recovery. Letting others control our behavior is giving away our power. Believing what others say or think, especially when it is unkind or hurtful, is also giving away our power. An honest personal inventory of ourselves, including identifying strength is powerful and through this exercise, and trying on new behaviours as a result we can recognize our power and be powerful. We will still always be powerless over people, places, and things, BUT we will be able to recognize when we have the ability to change a situation.

For me I have had to learn to to not be angry but calm and to speak up for myself in a factual and respectful manner when things to do not go my way. Also it means looking at situations that do not go my way and asking myself if they were truly right for me.

This has happened a lot in my job search and this week took a lot out of me as I addressed a problem I had at work and stood up for myself. My supervisor wrongfully accused me of "wasting company time". I have so many accolades from clients and have done so much above and beyond my job description that I was furious. This also was an affront to my ethics and after all I have been through with addiction in my family I know better than to waste company time and never would. So I wrote up all my accomplishments and asked that they be added to my file and resolved the situation with the head of HR and company CFO. It hen addressed some other issues I was having problems with and all were resolved in a positive way. IT took so much out of me to stand up for myself in the right way...

Again I had to stand up for myself today...This time with Mark. He behaved and spoke to me in an unkind way this morning and I reacted badly and said a lot of things that upset him. He had a terrible day as a result. When he shared this with me I apologized to him for my unkind words and let him know I understand how he felt as many times over the years he has ruined my days, and I have been immobilized and left me in tears by unkind words and actions brought on by alcoholic behavior and even today he said things that were unkind. However, I am further along in my recovery and can usually tune the unkind words out...BUT today I have had enough. I will not tolerate the unkind words I want a better life and I want our marriage to work. He says things like "I don't give a shit if we stay married". He really does not mean this and it hurts. I surely don't want to put effort into a relationship where someone feels this way and I never want to hear it from someone who is in a committed relationship with me...It is abusive....So my new behavior makes me speak up and not tolerate this behavior. Unfortunately Mark yells and I sometimes react ( I used to react all the time) and unkind words get said in between.

Tonight I am angry because we still have no money, can't pay our bills, much less afford to go to the movies or out. There is a free concert tonight under the stars with a great dance band and I wanted us all to go. I am sick of doing things alone with our son and I need to have some fun with my husband to rebuild our relationship. I am sick an tired of working, cooking dinner, watching TV, staying in, and not having the things that I spent most of my life taking for granted (housekeeper, gardener, bills that were paid, manicure and pedicures, monthly massage or facial money in the bank, good job, vacations, new clothes and shoes, trips to toysrus for our son, movies, weekly dinners out,etc...I lived a somewhat privliledged life)...I have had to give all this up and now live at teh federal poverty level-applying for food stamps and aid! I need to have some fun.....And it sucks that he cannot do this for me......I know that meetings and recovery come first, but at some point I expect him to not be so selfish...and I am speaking up. I spoke up calmly before he left to go to his evening AA meeting and shared my feelings. I said he does not like to see me upset and offered to go to a concert with me on another night. It will not be tonight and I will be upset tonight...But I really like this band and I will go with our son...same as I did last year and the year before, and the year before....I am powerless over him and powerful over me..I will go and have fun and he will know how I feel. And maybe, just maybe, he will come back from his meeting in a good mood and agree to go for a while...That would be "music" to my ears and end a tough week for me in a good way.

So I am exhaused and sad and hope to go out with my son to enjoy the music at 9pm tonight..I hope I will be able to drag myself and not get mired in laziness and self pity as I really enjoy doing this...Right now I feel like I am going to die before I have a chance to enjoy life......I am sad and pray it all gets better very soon.

On a positoive note my new friend from the NACoA is coming to town on Sunday to work with me on plannning an event to benefit children who grow up in homes with addiction...I have set up some great meetings for us for next week and hopefully this will lift my spirits as it reminds me of what I can do-something I do not get to do at my menial job and something I can not seem to get someone to pay me for...

Signed Hunter-feeling gloomy