angryromancegrrl

Fourth of July—Amateur Day for Explosives.

2008-06-30T07:23:00.000-07:00

My least favorite holiday is, without a doubt, the 4th of July.

No—not because I’m unpatriotic. I’m all kinds of patriotic. I freaking bleed red white and blue. Okay, just red. But it’s one of the colors so bite me if you don't belive me.

I hate the 4th because somewhere along the way, the day that is supposed to celebrate our freedom turned into amateur night with explosives. Much like New years is amateur night for drinkers and Valentines is amateur night for romance. But I digress…

Don't get me wrong, I like fireworks. I like PLANNED fireworks. Lights Music. A pretty. A great fireworks show is a thing of beauty!.

Face it, the fireworks that continue until 3AM are not planned. There is no music. No lights. Just explosions. And most people (myself included) should not be allowed to play with anything that can blow their hands off. Face it, add a few beers and they think their skin is freaking steel. It’s not. Nope. Every July 5th, you read about some moron who managed to blow his hand off. My guess is the last words prior to such idiocy is something like:

1) Watch this. It’ll be cool
2) I don't think it's lit
3) Let me hold it

And then…bang. To quote Armageddon (an end of the world by asteroid with questionable acting but loads of fun so I like it) "Your wife's gonna be opening your ketchup bottles the rest of your life.

Hurry! Offer for Soulmate Expires Soon!

2008-04-30T11:11:00.000-07:00

I got an email from Matchmaker.com today that touted the subject line, “Hurry, or your soulmate my disappear!’.

Seriously, a scare tactic is the best their marketing tool they can come up with? That stupid subject line is supposed to propel me to the site where my soulmates wait for me and no one else.

Puh-lease.

First: I am not that easily frightened. Especially from one of the myriad of online dating sites that populates the internet. If you really want to terrify me, tell me that you have a man for me. He is rich. Tall. Dark. Handsome. And wants to support me in a way that I’d like to become accustomed too and that if I don’t email him you will tell my MOM!

Now that might get my attention.

Second: I don’t believe in soulmates. If there is only one person for everyone, then most of us are screwed. What if he met someone else first? What if my soulmate was killed in a wreck? What if he’s only five feet tall (I know. Shallow! But I really do like my men to be taller than me). So where does that leave me? Soulmateless and hopeless?

Bite me, Matchmaker! No more profiles for you!

Do you know what I believe? I believe in TIMING. You can meet the most perfect man in the world and if he just got dumped and wants to play the field and you are ready for a relationship, then there is NOTHING that will help you. You cannot change his mind. Cannot convince him to care more than he is ready for. The timing is off.

Soulmate my ass.

Want to Know More?

2008-03-24T13:48:00.000-07:00

They like me. They really really like me!
Or they're just scared. Either way, there's an interview. Enjoy!

When His Pants Burn (liar liar!)

2008-02-24T13:49:00.001-08:00

Anyone who knows me knows that I’ve been dating via the Internet for a while now. I’ve met some nice men. Not so nice men. Etc. But the ones that fascinate me are the lying liars who lie.

I met one man at match.com—the internet equivalent to clubbing but that’s a whole nother’ story. We agree to meet in downtown DC. He’s shorter than he said but that’s typical. Many women knock ten pounds off their weight in their profiles and most men add two inches. So that wasn’t a big deal. He seemed nice enough so we go to a bar to have a drink and chat.

Check the following conversation.
Him:“Do you smoke?”
Me:(after I pick my jaw off the floor) “No! Do you?”
Him: “Uh, yes. But everyone lies about that in their profile.”
Me: “No they don’t!” My voice get’s higher here. Now ‘only dog’s can hear it' high but it went up an octave
Him-laughing: “Well, that’s the worst lie I told.”
Me. I hesitate. Pick up my jaw again: "You mean there’s more?”
No answer
Me: “Well, as long as you’re divorced.”
Loooooonnnnnnnggg silence
Me: “You’re not divorced yet, are you?”
Him: “No, But I’ve been separated for a really long time.”
Oh. My. God. What a trainwreck! At this point, I have a choice. I can storm off in an indignant but righteous huff or...I can make him pay. Hmmm. What to do what to do...
He is so buying me dinner.
Me: “Let’s just have dinner and we’ll see what’s what.”

I order everything and while I don’t pay in money, I do pay. He spends the entire meal staring at my breasts. What an asshat.

Dinner ends (thank God!). He walks me to my car.
Him: "Would you like to come back to my boat?" The oogling told me what he really wanted.
Me staring in disbelief. “I am not having sex with you. Ever.”
Him: "It wouldn’t be sex. It would be making love.”
Seriously. He said that. Do I look new?
Me: “Does that line work. Ever?”
I turned and left him standing on the sidewalk.

Lesson learned? I can only hope so but I doubt it. Next!

Still Hot!

2008-02-18T18:44:00.000-08:00

I was an archaeologist once upon a time, and I know that part of the decision to become one was because of Indiana Jones. Smart. Savvy. And H.O.T. even when he was at his grubby best. Any man that does what is right--no matter what--has huge appeal.

To this day, the sight of a man in a fedora and the sound of a whip is uber-sexy.

May 22--Indy returns!

Voice Mail Jail

2008-02-15T13:06:00.000-08:00

You only have to read my Adventure in Tech Support to know how much I LOATHE Voice Mail Jail. You know--pushing prompt after prompt after prompt until you either reach a person or snap. I used to push zero repeatedly until I got somewhere, but companies have figured it out and now some simply send you back to the main menu. Bastards!!

Well, someone finally decided to do something about it and their name is GetHuman. They have a webpage with companies listed and what you need to push to get to a real, live person:

http://gethuman.com/

Enjoy!

The Votes Are In!

2008-02-05T03:12:00.000-08:00

MUCH thanks to all who entered. It’s good to know there are people out there who give an idiot the 'verbal smackdown’ when needed. None of that, ‘I have the burning need to be nice even to those who don’t deserve it’ crap. Hell, I’d think twice about messing with you all! The replies were cutting, witty and in a number of cases, drew blood.

But when all was said and done, there can be only one.

And the best retort to someone who makes a rude, uncalled for and ignorant comment about reading romance is:

I guess the cereal box takes too long to finish. By, Writer and Cat

Also known as MeanKitty!

Which, if you look at her site, isn’t a ginormous shock. She kinda specializes in being snarky and evil. Oh, how I luvs the snarky and evil, my pressccioussss….

Jody! You’re getting a t-shirt. Or your cat is. Not sure.... if it’s the cat, send pictures.

Something to watch.....

2008-02-03T19:56:00.000-08:00

....while we figure out who the winner is for the angryromancegrrl contest. This is priceless!

"I'm F*cking Matt Damon"

Contest--Last Day

2008-01-31T03:35:00.000-08:00

Okay, this is it... the lat day to win an angryromancegrrl t-shirt. Enter now!

You know you want it!

Ah....Valentines....

2008-01-30T17:28:00.000-08:00

The best part about Valentines is that it's the one holiday based on romance. The worst thing? It’s based on romance. It's very yin/yang.

Based on the yin/yang love/hate principle, I've devised my own angryromancegrrl list of gifts to send to the man in your life.

Pictures

LOVE: A hot picture of YOU, framed in a non-girly frame. A little cleavage if you have it. Show your legs. Something that he'll appreciate and want to show off to his friends.

NOTE: Do NOT send a half-naked picture of yourself with your hoo-ha flashing for all the world to see. First of all--NO ONE wants to see that and second, if you break up. it will be on the Internet. Really. Don’t make me say it again.

HATE: Send him/her a picture of yourself with someone else

NOTE: I've done this. I dated a guy for quite a while and we broke up. A few months later (after I moved to another state) he called to say he missed me and would I send a picture. I sent him a picture of myself and the guy I was dating at the time. I made sure we both looked uber-hot. I never heard from him again.

Candy

LOVE: Personalized M&M's: 8 characters per line and an array of colors. You can tell someone who much you love them. Want them. Etc. AND you can say it with chocolate. How cool is that?

HATE: Sadly, they will NOT let you swear on an M&M. Sigh. So no 'fun' phrases like 'Bite Me'' or "Fuck Off'. Pity. But if you are not feeling the love this Valentines and want to say it with candy, go check out the Bittersweets at despair.com. There are 3 kinds Dejected. Dysfunctional. Dumped. All have 37 sayings that are…shall we say…bitter! Hence the name. My favorite? Peaked at 17. Ouch!

Letters

LOVE: One of the best gifts you can give someone is telling them how you feel about them in a letter. Don't get too gushy but let him know he matters. A little. Even macho dudes like to know that you want to spend the holiday with them--not just a random someone.

HATE: Take all the letter, cards, etc that he gave you, tear them up, burn them and send them back. Make sure pieces are legible so he knows what you sent. Add glitter for that 'ha ha ha fuck you' feeling.

Jewelry

LOVE: Nothing says love like something shiny. I like diamonds. Emeralds. Rubies are good. And if some man needs an excuse to give me the sparkly treats, I am all over it! I prefer bracelets for anyone who cares

HATE: Sell the sparklies and buy yourself a nice trip to Greece. Hook up with the hot pool boy. Send pictures.

WOW

2008-01-29T12:59:00.001-08:00

I am so impressed with the plethora of snarky and SMART responses I've received for the contest.

Two more days ladies and then we'll pick a winner. I've said it before and I'll say it again--it is going to be TOUGH!

Got Snark?

2008-01-16T06:33:00.000-08:00

Got GREAT snark? If you do, you might win an angryromancegrrl t-shirt. (That's the back of the shirt. There's a pocket-sized logo on the front)

For those who are not familiar with angryromancegrrl, she is a cartoon character I created in response to the irritating and (generally) uninformed comments I was hearing about the romance genre.

After hearing someone say 'I'm sure you people just churn them out' then turn to me and say "No offense"...I HAD to do something. Of course I was offended. How could I NOT be offended. WTF is WRONG with people?!

So--angryromancegrrl was born. When people put down the genre, she is the one that makes the snarky comeback. There is no ‘being polite’. No ‘if you can’t say something nice’. Nope. Just all snark all the time.

Her favorites retorts:

1. Bite me
2. Come closer and say that.
3. What bothers you more: the sex or the romance?
4. No, I'm not laughing with you. I'm laughing at you.
5. You! Off my planet.
6. I'll try being nicer, if you'll try being smarter.
7. When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.
8. That explains a lot.
9. Kiss my crayon-colored ass.
10. Three words: 51 million readers.

Anyway, I put her on hiatus for awhile, but I found myself missing her. Granted, she can be a HUGE pain but there's something about her that makes me smile.

So her blog is back. And to celebrate—another contest!
Here are the Contest rules.

1) Read her list of retorts and then post your own snarky retort on this blog in the comment section.

2) The best new retort wins....an angryromancegrrl t-shirt.

3) Who decides the winner? Myself and my three snarkiest, funniest friends: Cathy Pegau. Tracy Montoya. Amy Jandrey.

Now, about the shirt. As far as I know, it’s the last one I have. I found it when I was going through a box of author ‘stuff’. It’s brand new, size XL and is a man’s shirt so it’s generous in size. This. Is. It.

So, please don’t’ ask me something foolish like “Do you have another size?” I’ll still give you the shirt if you win but I’ll also give you a ration of crap.

If you win and it’s too big, give it to a friend and they will OWE YOU. And nothings sweeter than someone owing you a favor.

Zombie Overlords?

2008-01-12T18:22:00.000-08:00

My sister and I were discussing zombies yesterday (cause we both love a good zombie flick) and a question came up.: Do zombies eat each other? No one ever shows that in the movie and I find it troublesome. If they only eat live people, then what happens when everyone is a zombie? Does the whole zombie population die out?

Face it. They are NOT the smartest of the monsters. With the exception of the movie 28 Days Later in which the zombies are wicked-fast, they tend to lumber. There is also a lot of grunting and moaning (and not in a good way) which I think shows a serious lack of communication.

Frankly, I think zombies are very shortsighted. Otherwise, they’d be rationing people like candy. So, while I love a good zombie move (Sean of the Dead is the best IMO) in the long run, they are a doomed species. They will never win over people, and we'll never have a zombie overlord cracking a zombie whip over our heads. Not sure about you, but I'll sleep better tonight!

Adventures in Tech Support

2008-01-09T18:14:00.000-08:00

I had to call tech support the other day. Now, I could rant about that, but what annoyed me even more than a laptop having fits was the company’s phone system. All multi-option phone systems are irritating as hell, but what made this one worse was that it used voice recognition. They try to pick a soothing voice that doesn’t piss you off, but when it repeats every thing you say, it could sound like freaking James Bond and you’d still go insane. Do you know what would make it more interesting? If they would make a voice recognition programs that understood swearing.
Sharron's Perfect World of Tech Support

System: “You’ve said Tech support. Is this correct?”
Me (after taking five minute to get to here). “Yes.”

System: “Please indicate one of the following: “Software. Hardware. Operating system. Peripheral”
Me: “Hardware.”

System: You’ve said Hardware. Is this correct?”
Me (starting to steam): “Yes.”

System: “Please indicate one of the following. Desktop. Notebook.”
Me: “Notebook Dammit.”

System: I did not understand your answer. Please indicate either Desktop or Notebook.
Me: “Bastards. Just transfer me to a live person.”

System: “Transferring now.”

Another scenario

System: “Please say one of the following. Tech support. Billing. Home Sales. Business Sales—“ Me (beating the phone against the desk): “Fuuuuuuuck!”
System: “I see you’ve asked for customer service. Transferring now”.

Yes, I have some rage issues when it comes to phone systems. Who doesn’t? Companies overuse the options so it takes a gi-normous amount of time to get to where you need to go. And by the time you get to a live person, you’re so angry you’re venting all over the poor sap. Thinking about it, my perfect world of tech suport would be having a computer that worked and not having to call tech support....ever!

Nobility, My Ass

2008-01-01T11:54:00.000-08:00

Ahh, I've missed angryromancegrrl. So snarky. So painfully truthful. Don't ya just LOVE it?!

She's back! And to start--here's my favorite blog from her archive:

Nobility, My Ass

My niece is really into the whole concepts of “Princess’s”. And (according to her) a big part of being a Princess is how to dress, finding a Prince to marry, and how one should behave.

On that note, I have my own rules for appropriate Princess behavior and this is not for kids:

Princess’s…
1. Don’t say ‘fuck’
2. Must wear panties
3. Don’t threaten to kill you and hide the body
4. Don’t ‘put out’
5. Don’t snort when they laugh
6. Don’t brag about their collection of 4” stiletto-heeled shoes and they certainly don’t wear them
7. Sit with their knees together (see rules 1 and 4)

As you can see, being a Princess is a bit of a bore. It’s better to be Queen! My rules for appropriate Queen behavior:

1. Rules? There are no RULES for being the Queens.

Which means, (if you think about it)... they can wear the rubber dress and 4-inch heels without panties and when they slip their boyfriend the tongue while he’s feeling them up, they can demand a good screw up against the wall. If he refuses, they can kill him and hide the body. And when they stand on his cold, cold grave (in their 4-inch stilettos of course), they will laugh and give a little snort.

It’s good to be Queen.