Two Women Blogging

Apparently I'm Not a Feminist Anymore~by MPJ

2009-12-11T23:00:00.006-05:00

Seriously? The National Organization for Women (NOW) is opposing a tax on cosmetic surgery because middle-aged women are discriminated against on the basis of looks? What happened to opposing discrimination on the basis of looks? I think I need cosmetic surgery to remove the look of disgust from my face. Good thing I have someone working to make sure that's not taxed.

Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam ~ by Jay

2009-12-11T15:11:00.002-05:00

I'm sure we're not the only ones who have been deluged with spam comments lately. I hate spam comments - they get my hopes up, and then I'm left with strings of characters I can't read or English words I don't want to.

Only one thing to do

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Things I Could Do Without, But Will Actually Purchase ~ by Jay

2009-12-09T13:03:00.002-05:00

Eve wants a skateboard.

Cool.

We know nothing about skateboards, but we know how to use the internet.

Sam finds this

and we know Eve will love it, and it will appear during Chanukah and help us be the Coolest Parents Evah....

but GirlDecks? And the cute little dog? And it's pink?

Sigh.

Yawn ~ by Jay

2009-12-09T09:16:00.005-05:00

Clonk.

That's the sound of the power going off at 3:30 AM. I don't know what makes the clonk, but it wakes me up. No power = no CPAP = no more restful sleep. No heat (we have forced air; doesn't work without electricity) means I don't really want to get out of bed, so I lie there and doze, listening to the precipitation (sleet? ice?) and worrying that the power won't come back on and that means the phone won't work and does my cellphone have enough charge if I get paged and have to call back and should I get up so I don't wake Sam, even though it's cold, and am I supposed to drive north for a home visit and what will the roads be like and will there be school and if there's not can Sam stay home with Eve....

round and round and round.

Power stays off until 5:30 and then clonks back on, just in time for the phone to ring to announce a two-hour school delay. Followed at 6:10 by the JCC call to announce that they will be open for an hour before school starts.

The good news: the snow and sleet turned to rain before I had to leave for work, the home visit north of here was rescheduled for Friday because the patient's daughter had a conflict, and I can probably skip my noon meeting and just stay at work and get things done. Slowly, but completely. Tonight's our drumming night and also the one chance we have to observe Eve's ballet class, so I will try very hard to get out of here at a reasonable hour and be on time. Ballet class, drumming, dinner, bed.

Yawn.

Simple Pleasures ~ by Jay

2009-12-07T22:30:00.002-05:00

I've never liked morning showers. I actually like mornings - I'm one of those annoying people who wakes up spontaneously at a fairly early hour, and is wide! awake! right away, ready for conversation and activity. I wake up hungry, too, and I want to put my clothes on and go. I don't want to get wet and, no matter how well I try to dry off, start the day slightly damp. I never had to take morning showers when I was younger. I spent the first 20 years of my life with long hair - really long hair, down to my waist most of the time, and thick. My mother didn't allow me to go outside with wet hair, and it took too long to dry, so I couldn't wash it before school.

In my freshman-dorm hallway, there were six women and one shower. Everyone else wanted to shower in the morning, and I certainly wasn't going to stand on line for the privilege. I got into the habit of showering in the late afternoon, after class and before dinner. I had the shower all to myself, lots of hot water and all evening for my hair to dry before I went to bed. Worked out well in residency, too; the shower before dinner made a nice transition to my day.

The advent of Eve changed everything, of course. I can't go off by myself as soon as I got home from work. There's more to do, and I want to spend time with her. By the time she's in bed, I have paperwork and cleaning and laundry to deal with. My hair is short now, and no one cares if I go outside with it wet. I've gotten used to taking showers in the morning, but I still don't like it.

Tonight I came home chilly - winter has settled in for good - and kind of grimy. Too many home visits with scented candles; the smell was stuck in my hair. After dinner I did the dishes and sang the sh'ma to Eve and headed for our gorgeous new bathroom. I turned on the heat lamp, started both showerheads, and took a long, luxurious, hot shower. I lathered and rinsed and repeated. I checked out all the massage settings on the new fixtures. Then I dried off, put on my coziest, fleeciest pjs and slid my feet into my new slippers.

Mmm. Warm, clean and relaxed. I am grateful for simple pleasures.

Monday, Monday ~ by Jay

2009-12-07T07:08:00.002-05:00

I had a very busy weekend on call, and the pace will only increase this week. For some reason, all my monthly and quarterly meetings are scheduled for the second week of the month. Combine that with fellowship interviews and conference calls, and it's a recipe for hectic. Oh, and patients - right, my actual job.

Meanwhile, Eve's left ear continues to swell around the site of her piercing, and great distress results. Dr. Mommy can't figure this one out, so Sam will take her to be seen sometime today. Eve asked to go after school, which pleased me until she explained (between sobs) that she didn't want to have to explain it to her friends. Not so concerned about missing class, it turns out.

The dishwasher needs to be emptied and refilled, and the Sunday papers are sitting here almost entirely unread, and that's the way it will stay until tonight. Eve is dressed and fed and the dogs have been out and we will get to school on time. Priorities.

On Call ~ by Jay

2009-12-05T08:32:00.003-05:00

It's my weekend on call. Rounds at inpatient hospice, rounds on the Palliative Care service at the main hospital, keep my fingers crossed that we don't get any new consults at the other hospital. Tomorrow is our Service of Remembrance, so I'll need to manage my schedule to allow for time to get there as well.

Meanwhile, Sam and Eve will be getting out the dreidel lights and polishing the hanukkiah and putting away the last of the Thanksgiving things. I ordered Sam's gift on Thursday (shhh.....don't tell him) and one of Eve's yesterday. Sam went out last night and got Eve's other "big" gift, and wrapped the small ones. Suddenly we've gone from being completely unprepared to almost ready. Phew.

I am grateful for the partnership of my husband, and the support of my colleagues, and for the coming of the light in the dark of winter.

Call to Cancel, Anyone?

2009-12-02T21:39:00.005-05:00

So this is a busy time of year for a psychiatrist.

Why? The holidays, the family issues reignited during visits home, the expectations, the financial stresses, on top of whatever challenges were ongoing anyway. Add in the current economy and my phone should be ringing off the hook.

And it has been. The phones of my colleagues too. And we do not even take insurance. That's how challenging a time of year it is for many people. And typical for the week after Thanksgiving.

I do not have that many open intake hours in the day however. And while not everyone ends up wanting to come in who calls (some decide they will try in network first, others are concerned relatives whose relatives do not actually want to come in, and so on), some really do want to come in. And some really need to come in, like yesterday.

So when I make arrangements with a new patient for their first appointment, I ask them to give me 24 hours advance notice if they will decide to cancel or change their appointment. Can you see where I am going with this?

I have pages of phone calls to return to patients who want to come in and one of the new patients I had scheduled this week no showed. No call before the appointment. No call after the appointment. Nothing.

You would think I would get a lot of work done with that free chunk of time, but how can I? I spend the first 20 minutes checking the waiting room, checking my answering machine, wondering if I can grab lunch, wondering if I still have time to do an adequate intake if they show up right now. Then I think of the people I turned down for a new appointment, and how I might have worked out that morning if I had known I would have had that chunk of time free.

Then I go and eat some of our waiting room candy and move on.

Ordinary Time ~ by Jay

2009-12-01T21:12:00.002-05:00

Just a Tuesday afternoon after a busy morning, trying to finish rounds and write notes. My mind is on the paperwork and the new admission due later today, not on the patient in room 7. I don't expect a conversation; yesterday she turned her face to the wall and resolutely refused to look at me.

Today she's sitting quietly, looking at the balloon that's been tied to the foot of her bed. She can't tell me who brought it, but when I ask, she looks over my shoulder - not in my eyes - and says "Can you sit withe me?". So I sit down in the rocking chair, trying not to show my impatience (I have four more people to see and two death certificates and I don't have time for this). Silence.

"I came to see how you're feeling today".

Silence.

"The nurse was telling me you've been coughing. Is that bothering you?"

Silence. And then, quietly "I think I'm going to die".

She can't say more than that. Can't tell me why. Can't tell me how that feels. But she says, twice more, "I think I'm going to die".

And she holds her hand up just a little bit above the bed. I know a cue when I see one, and I put mine underneath her. She curls her fingers around my palm, leans her head back, and closes her eyes.

Just a Tuesday afternoon in ordinary time.

Contemplating Re-Entry ~ by Jay

2009-11-29T21:03:00.002-05:00

Not that I actually had a four-day weekend, because I worked Friday, but it's still been a holiday full of company and games and turkey leftovers. Tomorrow it's back to the real world, only more so: Sam leaves for an overnight trip, so my mother is staying to take care of Eve, who doesn't go back to school until Tuesday. I have a meeting that didn't make it onto my Google calendar so I scheduled a conference call that conflicts and I don't quite know what I'm going to do about that. I made the mistake of looking at my work Email so I now have some idea what's waiting for me in the morning.

Deep breath.

I am grateful for the beautiful warm weather we had today, and for being close to the end of our renovation - we are back in our own bedroom, and our new bathroom was worth the wait. Nice big shower with dual showerheads (already put to the test. Great fun). So much storage space that most of it is empty at the moment. The lamps I've always wanted for reading in bed: swiveling long-arm lamps mounted on the wall, one on each side. We're still waiting for the furniture and we still have boxes of books with no place to go, but what we have now is wonderful.

Things I Could Do Without ~ by Jay

2009-11-29T15:03:00.002-05:00

The artwork in the restaurant where we ate lunch. A series of paintings around the walls, each one illustrating a different cocktail. Each canvas has the correct glass for each drink - martini glass, champagne flute, highball - and in each glass there is a naked woman. None of these women have heads. They have instead whatever the garnish would be for the drink - an olive for the martini, a piece of lemon rind for the Cosmopolitan, a strawberry for the daiquiri. There's even a dark-skinned woman with a coconut on her shoulders; I presume that's the pina colada. Diversity. How nice.

The only picture of a woman with a head in the whole place is in the women's bathroom.

Delightful.

Something New ~ by Jay

2009-11-28T08:00:00.000-05:00

Noticing the patriarchy isn't exactly new for me. I notice the misogyny and sexism in advertisements, movies, books, pretty much everything in my surroundings. It's exhausting, and it makes me sad and scared and angry.

Expressing that fear and anger and sadness has never gone well for me. I've lost friends. I've lost a job. People step back from me, literally, when I start to talk. I can see that I'm confirming their stereotypes about wild-eyed, angry feminists (complete with the hairy legs). I know I have a right to my anger, but I also know myself well enough to know that I don't want to distance myself from people. I want to connect. My version of the terrible bargain is figuring out how I can be true to myself without alienating everyone around me. I am deeply grateful that I don't have to strike this bargain with Sam, but Sam is not the only man in my life. With most other men, I resign myself to seeing that step back, or to keeping my mouth shut.

That's what I figured would happen with John when we connected. And, sure enough, a week or so after we started Emailing, he forwarded me a mildly sexist joke. I deleted it and decided to let it go, but then he wrote to ask if I'd liked it - and I took a deep breath and said, well,
not really. Why? Well, I'll tell you. And I did, in an Email. Calmly and succinctly. No biggie, he said. Thanks for letting me know.

Well, that was different. Huh. A week or so later, when we were talking about 9/11, I sent John the link to this post. He read it, and then he started reading the blog's archives. Our Emails started to touch on feminism - when did I start to feel this way? what did it mean? why do I see the patriarchy everywhere? Eventually all those questions led to a long phone conversation. I don't remember precisely what we said, but I do remember how I felt, and it was not sad, or scared, or angry. I felt surprised - how could he not have known that girls were being pawed by boys in the halls of our high school? - and occasionally a little exasperated - couldn't he just take my word for it? - but we kept at it, and by the end he said "I never saw it that way before".

Well, that was really different. Why? John wasn't defensive. He didn't feel attacked, and so I didn't have to defend myself, either. And I trusted him not to step back. Maybe - just maybe - I can do this if I trust the relationship. Maybe it's not just John.

Two weeks later I found myself sitting with the Palliative Care section. The three other docs are all men; we also work with a nurse practitioner and social worker, who are women. We were reflecting on how we work together, and how to teach about group work and team participation for the fellowship that starts next July. One of the docs mentioned an exercise he'd done in his residency: everyone pick the doc on M*A*S*H that they identify with. Let's try that, he suggested.

Here we go, I thought. I took another deep breath and said - quietly - I can't do that. Blank looks. Why not? There's only one woman on that show, and she's not a doctor. I stopped. I watched. I saw some comprehension, and then I saw defensiveness - and I said I understand you didn't see it that way. I wouldn't expect you to. But that's how it feels to me. I didn't try to counter their defensiveness. I didn't feel angry. I didn't feel sad. I was a little scared, but not so terrified that I felt compelled to keep talking. I waited, and in a few minutes they said something familar: I never thought of it that way before. And the discussion opened out into what else don't we know? What voices aren't we hearing? How will we help the fellows learn the skills needed in cross-cultural encounters?

After the meeting, one of the men stopped me and said I never notice this stuff. I braced myself for the suggestion that I am oversensitive, but instead he goes on to say Please keep telling me about it. I need to know, and I don't see it.

That's definitely new.

This is a lesson I have to keep learning: it's all about the relationship. Real change and real learning happen when it's safe to take risks, and that requires that both people see and respect the other. When I read Melissa's post about the terrible bargain, and the stories in the comments, I can see that the men driving those bargains don't really see the women in their lives. They see Wife or Daughter or Girlfriend, not the individual being in front of them. That kind of invisibility is enough to make me feel sad and scared and vulnerable, even before I start trying to explain. That's not a relationship in the true sense.

A paradox: the men who most need to to hear our voices are the least capable of listening. John and my colleagues are already set apart from the norm. They see me as a whole person, and respect my voice enough to listen to me. So I haven't cracked the magic code that will suddenly eliminate the patriarchy, but I have had conversations that I wouls have believed impossible six months ago. Small steps. Not sufficient, but oh, so necessary.

There's Really Nothing To Say ~ by Jay

2009-11-27T20:46:00.002-05:00

I can't think of anything coherent to say about this.

In a Florida middle school, a number of kids apparently decided it was Kick a Jew Day.

Nothing.To.Say.

Banned Books Meme ~ by Jay

2009-11-27T12:23:00.003-05:00

The Top 20 banned or challenged books in the US during the 20th century. The ones I 've read are in bold.

1. The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald
2. The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger
3. The Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck
4. To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee
5. The Color Purple by Alice Walker
6. Ulysses by James Joyce
7. Beloved by Toni Morrison
8. The Lord of the Flies by William Golding
9. 1984 by George Orwell
10. The Sound and the Fury by William Faulkner
11. Lolita by Vladmir Nabokov
12. Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck
13. Charlotte’s Web by E. B. White
14. A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man by James Joyce
15. Catch-22 by Joseph Heller
16. Brave New World by Aldous Huxley
17. Animal Farm by George Orwell
18. The Sun Also Rises by Ernest Hemingway
19. As I Lay Dying by William Faulkner
20. A Farewell to Arms by Ernest Hemingway

Charlotte's Web? Really? Why?

(taken from isabelthespy, who may or may not have intended it to be a meme, but it looks like a meme to me)

I am grateful that no one ever challenged my right to read whatever I wanted. I read all of these in high school (except the Hemingway and Faulkner), some for classes but mostly just because I wanted to. I also read Fear of Flying, a whole lot of John O'Hara, Valley of the Dolls and something by Jacqueline Susann. Not all great fiction, but no one ever told me what to read or what not to read. The only reading material that was forbidden was my father's medical journals. Make of that what you will.

Official Gratitude Day ~ by Jay

2009-11-26T08:21:00.002-05:00

Those of us in the US are giving thanks today. That is, if we have time when we're not cleaning up, traveling to the place where someone else cleaned up, setting the table, baking another pie, realizing that we're missing the crucial ingredient for Grandma's special sweet potato casserole, watching the parade, thinking that we shouldn't have bothered cleaning the oven before putting the turkey in, making gravy, counting napkins, polishing silverware, arguing with our mothers, giving up on any screen time limits for our children, wondering how everyone has time to be on Facebook on Thanksgiving, and wondering what happened to the nice white platter that was big enough for the sliced turkey.

But in the midst, I am grateful for what I'm in the midst of: my healthy family, the daily joys of my marriage, the amazing gift that is my daughter, work that sustains me and a circle of friends stretching back to my childhood and forward into what looks to be a wonderful future.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Random Muppets ~ by Jay

2009-11-24T19:42:00.001-05:00

I am grateful for the Muppets.

And We're Back! ~ by Jay

2009-11-22T11:43:00.004-05:00

Wow, that was fun.

Now we're back and headed into Thanksgiving. The contractor is hard at work (yes, it's Sunday) so we can be back in our bedroom Tuesday night. My mother, my father-in-law and my father-in-law's girlfriend* arrive Wednesday while Sam and I are at work. My brother and sister-in-law will drive down on Thursday. We'll feed 9 adults (local friends will join us) and 3 kids on Thursday. Squash soup, turkey, stuffing (two: one vegetarian for the lone non-meat-eater among us, one with sausage), mashed potatoes, braised scallions in mustard sauce, sweet potato casserole, salad, pumpkin pie with cinnamon meringue topping, sour cream apple pie, pumpkin gingerbread, pecan pie.

Sam's comment on this whole thing: Our goal is to get through the holiday without needing more therapy.

I am grateful for family (even though), and for the wonderful supermarket where we'll shop later today, and the free-range turkey farm from which we'll pick up the turkey on Wednesday.

Happy Thanksgiving.
____

It seems odd to use the word "girlfriend" when they're in their 70s. Alternate suggestions accepted.

Into The Woods ~ by Jay

2009-11-20T07:24:00.002-05:00

Sam and I are headed off for a weekend by ourselves. A pretty little inn, a pretty little town, a cozy room for two. Good wine, good food - and no cellphone or internet access.

The suitcase is packed. Just have to work my half-day and we're off.

I am grateful for vacation.

Flood of Warm Feelings ~ by Tigermom

2009-11-19T14:19:00.004-05:00

Background: In my city there is a shortage of internal medicine doctors.

In addition, when I send one of my patients to an internist, I want that doctor to be patient, kind, non-judgmental about my patient's psychiatric issues, smart, an effective problem solver, a good communicator with my patient, and, ideally, with me.

I do not think I am asking too much. But sometimes you can get all the ingredients except for the part about being sensitive to my patients' mental health.

I have developed a list of my favorite internists. It is a short list and not geographically diverse. So I was not surprised when sitting with a relatively new patient who needed a referral, I did not know one in the right part of town.

But I had an idea and searched within a hospital system I trusted using the patient's zip code.

Up popped one of my favorite friends from residency! I could hardly breathe. So I gave the found name to to my patient along with the list of good-but-incovenient names.

Though we have not kept in touch since residency, I have a good feeling about this referral. Going through training together lets you really know the good, the bad, and the ugly about someone because you see them at their most overworked and sleep-deprived. Well, anytime I was overworked and sleep-deprived with this person, we still had a great time and practiced cheerful great medicine together.

I hope he takes insurance...

And The Wall Falls Down ~ by Jay

2009-11-18T23:19:00.002-05:00

It was a bad day. I'd been the attending on call with a resident who didn't like me, and didn't like his work, and wasn't very good at it. The long, painful day had ended with a public confrontation in the ER. When I called home, I felt and sounded like a limp dishrag.

Sam said "Come home. You'll watch the news and you'll feel better".

I said "The news is going to make me feel better"?

He said "I think watching people dance on top of the Berlin Wall before they tear it down might just improve your mood".

It did, too.

Hadn't thought of that in years until I read this post at Tenured Radical.

Gratitude ~ by Jay

2009-11-18T23:17:00.000-05:00

It's nice that no one yells at me if I don't do the dishes at night. I still have to do them, but at least no one is giving me a hard time about it.

Gratitude ~ by Jay

2009-11-17T22:00:00.001-05:00

I am grateful that Mama isn't tired of these posts.

And, like Mama, I am grateful for my healthy child.

Home Cooking ~ by Jay

2009-11-16T09:38:00.003-05:00

Must've been in the air yesterday.

I made Cajun Chicken Stew for dinner while Sam smoked a pork shoulder in his homemade flowerpot smoker. Last night's dinner: cajun chicken stew with rice, followed by homemade applesauce. Tonight: pulled pork sandwiches with coleslaw and baked beans, followed by homemade applesauce.

After dinner tonight I'll make lasagna to bring to work tomorrow. The directors and managers are serving dinner to the weekday staff for National Hospice Month. If I feel inspired, I'll also make apple cake and use up some of the apples left from Eve's apple-picking adventures. Not all of them; must save some for the sour cream apple pie that's a feature of our Thanksgiving.

Mmm. Home cooking. I am grateful to have such abundance.

Home cooking ~ by Tigermom

2009-11-15T23:01:00.002-05:00

Inspired by having fresh chicken in the house and an hour to kill before dinner and cubs in front of the TV, I cracked open an Italian cookbook and made chicken Marsala.

Chicken Marsala is one of my favorite restaurant dishes. I love the warmth of the wine and the simmering that has taken place. But I am sometimes disappointed, especially when the dish comes out too floury masking the rich flavors of the mushrooms and wine.

I skimmed the list of ingredients and the recipe itself and luckily had everything I needed in the cupboard. I got going. Predictably, the recipe was somewhat more involved than I had realized on initial skim. But armed with my new electric skillet, I prepared and cooked everything in the right order before the kids started dogging me for something food.

I knew I might have a challenge with the kids since the end result looked brown and was accompanied by an optional side of mushrooms. To make matter worse, I roasted brussel sprouts and parsnips for the veggie tonight. I did think to add carrots which turned out to be a good call since I alone ate the sweet delicate brussels and parsnips.

Well, I and my kids surprised me. The chicken came out perfectly. It was juicy, flavorful, and made me say "Mmmmm" out loud. Better than any restaurant version to date. I gave the kids small pieces to start so they could see if they liked it. And all three opted for more. No one joined my in the mouthwatering brussels and parsnips, but that left enough for me to have thirds.

Next time I will follow Mrs. Forty-Two Roads' lead and take a picture.

How'd That Happen? ~ by Jay

2009-11-15T14:48:00.003-05:00

Eve wanted Uggs.

Now, Eve already has a pair of very fashionable slouchy black suede boots. These didn't even come out of her school clothes budget; she had an extra-special shopping trip with my mother in August and scored a bunch of clothes that didn't count against her limit. The black suede boots replaced last winter's quilted brown leather boots. She wears skinny jeans tucked into the boots with long tunics or layered T-shirts. Current favorite accessories: the silver chains and pendant that she bought with Grandma, and the black-and-crystal bangles that were a gift from her aunt last year.

Did I mention she's 9?

OK, so she wanted Uggs. This is the first time she's requested a specific brand, and I thought carefully about my response. I told her that she already had a pair of boots, and I didn't think she really needed another pair. I reminded her that she'd used up her school clothes budget. We also talked about how much the Uggs cost compared to other, similar boots. She said she didn't care if they were Uggs or not, she just liked the look. No whining, no fussing. I figured that deserved some reward. We decided that if we could find a pair of boots that were $20.00 or less, I would buy them for her.

Yesterday we went sneaker shopping. Eve has been telling me for two weeks that her sneakers were too small, and at first I didn't believe her - they're less than two months old - but when I looked, it was clear she was right. Payless had a pair of skater-style sneakers with stylized skulls and two shoelaces on each shoe. Eve was in love. Payless also had a buy one/get one half off sale and Ugg-like boots in the window, but no Ugg-like boots in the girl's size 3 1/2 section.

The salesman noticed our dejected shopping party. "You know", he said, "a girl's size 3 1/2 is also a women's size 5 1/2". And there, right on the display stand, was a pair of women's size 5 1/2 tan Ugg knockoffs. Total for both: $39.99. Happy girl wore the boots out of the store.

Startled Mommy realized she now has a child who wears women's size 5 1/2 shoes. How the hell did that happen? And how will I keep her away from the high heels now that she knows?