The Legend of Cecilio Guante

It's Time for the Next Great Sports Commercial Character

2009-11-18T22:57:00.020-05:00

Missing Mars and Other Sports Commercial Characters

You know what's missing in today's land of TV commercials? I'll tell you. Sports characters. Personalities created largely out of thin air to help sell a product or service - be it beer, shoes, a network or a name. Hell, even if those creations of Madison Avenue never made those brands a buck, they sure made me laugh. But I'll be honest, it's been awhile since someone's run with a campaign long enough for me to develop that special bond. You know, the one you may have had with Terry, Lil' Penny, Mars or maybe even The Rick. I was even starting to find a soft spot for Bud Light Leon. In honor of these sporty fictitious pitch men, a few of my favorites (and hoping for another star to soon emerge).

THE RICK: My Name's Rick...People Call Me "The Rick"
I always had a soft spot for Mike O'Malley as ESPN's "The Rick." Not as keen on him constantly popping on my screen as Time Warner Cable hype guy, but there are more irritating pitchmen. Couldn't find my favorite "original," but here's something to jog the memory (assuming you know who the hell I'm talking about).

LIL' PENNY: Tell 'Em Lil' Penny From the Science Club Says Hell-o
Chris Rock is the man. Can you do that for a brother?

MARS BLACKMON: Here with My Main Man Michael Jordan
I think Spike (um, I mean Mars) still reigns supreme in terms of a lasting true character in the sports commercial realm. He was around for years. He had his own unique personality. Mars was the perfect sidekick for his Airness. Do you know, do you know, do you know?

LEON: He Can't Do Everything
Sure, it may be all about selling beer. And, who knows, perhaps Leon wasn't driving Bud six pack sales up. Still, he made me laugh -- particularly in this one. There ain't no we, either.

DENNIS HOPPER AS CRAZY REF GUY: Bad Things, Man
I was a big fan of Dennis Hopper as the mildly-crazed "ref" for Nike. My all-time favorite has to be the classic Bruce Smith spot, but there were others. A great example of a "generic" sports character within the genre. Name or no name, we need to bring these folks back.

TERRY TATE: Office Linebacker
Terry Tate. Office linebacker. Sheer. Brilliance. This extended version is well worth the four minutes. Make time.

The McKenzie Brothers: Roses Have Thorns
I've been looking for this clip forever. That I have finally found it gives me a disproportionate amount of pleasure. Although the McKenzie Brothers weren't particularly sports-focused commercial characters, this one deserved inclusion.

So, first off, who else am I blatantly missing? What other sports commercial "characters" have made us laugh out loud over the years? And is anyone doing it now? Who needs to make a comeback? Which one and done deserved a longer life and showed potential? Hit me up in the comments...or not.

Knets Train Wreck Gets Uglier

2009-11-18T07:58:00.005-05:00

Look How Happy They Were

Updating on a previous theme, the powerful combo of the Knicks and Nets are now 1-19 on the season. This is like an accident scene you feel guilty watching but still are enamored by on account of morbid curiosity. Tonight, the Knickerbockers look to turn the tide against Indiana. Allen Iverson could only make this wreck more entertaining.

Jets Fans Predictably Rational and Subdued After Brutal Jags Loss (hint: sarcasm)

2009-11-16T23:13:00.009-05:00

Don't get me wrong, I'm a big fan of the Jets. I bitch and moan and lament the sorry hand I've been dealt. I whine and complain ad nauseam about how brutal it is to root for such a losing franchise and the myriad of ingenious ways they continue to find to lose football games. But, I do so with more than a bit of laughter and levity.

The Jets lose. Life moves on very shortly thereafter. That's how it is for me. For other "fans," it goes way, way beyond temporary disappointment. These people may in fact be quite sick. Many seem to still battling the notion that Jets fandom is a losing proposition. This is not to say they aren't incredibly humorous.

Here are some of my favorite post-Jags loss declarations from the fanatical of the fanatical. Many of these are borrowed from the pheonomenal The Jets Blog and Rich Cimini's The Jets Stream (NY Daily News), each which tend to highlight a uniquely pessimistic and volatile breed of Jets fans found rarely in nature (yet, one with whom I've had much contact). All comments sic'd:

"Why don’t all of you angry Jet fans do what I did, and stop being a fan? I destroyed every piece of Jet memorabilia I had in the house after today’s game, and it felt GOOD!! You guys should try it. After 30+ years as a Jet fan, I am no longer putting up with their crap. F the Jets." - formerjetfan (from The Jets Blog)

"Jets need to look into trading Mark Sanchez to one of these dome teams where he could have a chance of having a decent career. Call up St. Louis and see if they’ll give yas a 2nd rounder for him. I’ve seen enough." - Cmartin75 (from The Jets Stream)

"i have been a jet fan my entire life and have dedicated myself to this team year round. i am done and will no longer watch a game or spend my hard earned money on this pathetic team. my closet and dresser will be emptied since it is filled with jets sh#t. im done!!!! the misery is over!!! im starting to crack a smile already! u guys should try it." - sexyrexy (TJB)

"As soon as the cramps stop and I stop vomiting I’m gonna go hurt someone." -daleinct (TJB)

"Jet fan for over 40 years, ticket holder for 27. They continue to be a pathetic team. Tired of hearing of ttheir postential—-show me. This team is like every team the Jets have put on the field for forty years—losers. At this point I don’t know if it will ever change. Some day I hope we have team that will grow a pair, until then I don’t expect anything to change." - NamVetJet (TJB)

"Hey Jake I already gave up the tickets and Have been burning something that says Jets on it after every stupid loss. By early next year I will have rid myself of Jet garbage." - Cheech91 (TJB)

"I am concerned also about Suckchez....This organization is a joke.You guys can all keep saying we are rebuilding for another 40 years." - scott p (TJS)

"Bottom line is that the team sucks again." - curbyourenthusiasm (TJS)

Curbyourenthusiasm says it best. Same Old Jets? Just End the Season? Ah, yes, we've heard this all before. And, yes, I'll be back again next week, next month and next year. Color me green-and-white.

Bloggin' on Empty...Sports Stuff from the Weekend

2009-11-15T22:17:00.012-05:00

My tank runneth empty...or something. Way back in the '07, this sports blogging thing was a whole lot easier. Now, I've got one of those wife things, an apartment, buddies having kids, mortgage, and, like, uhhh, responsibilities, or, something. Point being, my brain seems to have been zapped of any creative powers. Now, if that doesn't make you want to keep reading, I don't know what will. So, on to the sporting observations...

BIG RED. My mighty alma mater is known for its hockey and lacrosse. Big-time D1 major sports is not what gets done up in I-Town. That said, our little roundball team has managed to recruit some players and win a few Ivy titles in a row. Seeing them go to the tournament (and, albeit, get blasted) has been fun. Yesterday, they opened up the season with a win in Tuscaloosa against Alabama. See, I don't normally get to write sentences like that - ever. Anyway, kudos to the squad for manning up with the rest of their out-of-conference schedule, one that includes Bama, Cuse, Kansas, Vermont, Davidson, Seton Hall, St. Joe's and Davidson.

Same Old Jets. Won't belabor the point on this one. Over at Jets blog, folks are packing up their stuff and leaving the green-and-white for good. Seriously, take 10-15 minutes and read through the comments on this post. It speaks volumes about being a Jets fan. Bottom line: this is what most fans expected, and the future doesn't look as bleak as it often has in recent years. The 3-0 start and Rex's ramblings, coupled with a few brutal losses, have just made it tougher to take. At this point, I'm looking for continued improvement from Sanchez as well as the coaching staff. That said, it's depressing to kiss another season goodbye.

Holy Hometown Homers. This is a bit random, but spent most of the day in car on way back from D.C. Seeing as I don't listen to radio a whole lot anymore (being carless and all), it was weird scrolling through Sirius/XM and catching Jets game over the airwaves (just as torturous, if not moreso). Moreover, I took in a few other games including Dallas/Green Bay and Philly/SD and got to listen to other teams' commentating teams. All I can say is wow. Maybe the Jets guys are just trying harder to be objective, or perhaps my ears don't hear the homerism. What I do know is that listening to the Cowboys and Chargers radio network guys respectively was hilarious. It was like me, as a diehard fan, calling the game...and cheering/yelling/critiquing as if I was on my own couch. Very funny stuff. My favorite line? At the end of the Chargers game, one of the guys for the Bolts booth team busted out: "Hey, Denver Broncos, objects in your rearview mirror may be closer than they appear!" He exclaimed this with great enthusias. You could tell he'd been keeping that one saved up all night.

No Patsies. If there was any doubt the Pats were back, I think those doubts have since been dispelled. The scary part is instead of the current 31-14 score, NE should have 50 on the board. This team looks like it's been well-oiled, a few parts have been replaced (with newer, younger models) and Brady has all his weapons finely sharpened again. Although it would make me violently ill, it's hard to debate the relative allure of a potential Vikes/Pats showdown.

In other news...I find myself rooting for Pitt and was mildly surprised Wannstedt and crew didn't slip up against the Irish...breaking news: Peyton Manning's still good, too...Charlie Weis knows his time is done...the Knicks are still awful...Brandon Jennings 55?...that is all.

UPDATE (11:40 P.M. EST): Please disregard the "No Patsies" bullet penned approximately 15 minutes ago. They're still really, really good. But, ummm, wow.

NY Metro Area Pro Hoops = Unstoppable

2009-11-14T09:42:00.008-05:00

Spending the weekend in D.C. with sis and brother-in-law... nice to get away from the city and the never-ending to-do list associated with the new digs. Moving outside of your regular environment often brings perspective as well. Such is the case today. Now, I knew the Knicks and Nets were going to be terrible this season, but one win between the two? Really? 1-18? Powerful, powerful stuff.

I'm sure it will all be OK once Eddy Curry and Nate Rob return to the lineup...and the Nets get some new players...and the Knicks get some new players...and...

Tyson Knocks Out Paparrazzi, Transports Me Back to the McNeeley Death Stare

2009-11-11T22:46:00.012-05:00

So, Mike Tyson apparently knocked down (or out) a paparazzi at LAX earlier this evening. My only thought? Of all the people to f with in the entire celebrity world, there might be no human being I'd be more frightened about provoking than Mike Tyson.

As a child of the 80s, Iron Mike was literally the scariest man on the planet. And forever, no matter that his career spanned decades, that sentiment was best articulated in one solitary moment (at least for me). Some of you may recall watching this fight. This is not hyperbole. I will never forget it.

Tyson came back from his prison stint in 1995 and, in his first bout, stepped into the ring against a man named Peter McNeeley. Those who know anything about boxing, as well as those who know absolutely nothing about boxing, could figure out long before the boxers stepped in the ring that this fight was going to be a joke.

The end result was a Tyson knockout in 89 seconds. Still, the indelible image for me was the center ring instructions before a single punch was thrown. I'll never forget seeing McNeeley bounce around with that goofy grin and Tyson's eyes just following him from side-to-side with that killer stare. Once they refs sent them to their respective corners, I remember immediately thinking to myself: "this poor man is going to die." Fortunately, the bout didn't last long enough for McNeeley to meet his maker. Regardless, that stare has stayed with me ever since (the 2:15 mark signifies official crap-in-your-pants time).

While we're in the McNeeley archives, this is pretty hilarious just on the side. "Medfield!"

WTF Did the Knicks Do with Eddy Curry?

2009-11-10T22:09:00.016-05:00

Can someone tell me where the Knicks are hiding Eddy Curry? Seriously, what have they done with our lovable round mound of non-rebound? I'll share the video after the jump. But if you check out the screen grab to the left, it may start to give you a hint as to what I'm talking about. The man on the left, and the individual on the right, are apparently one and the same.

Although perhaps not quite literally, Eddy Curry is half the man he used to be, maybe because he was feeling the dawn fade to gray on his career. Whatever the reason, Jenny Craig should sign this guy up as their new spokesman.

Curry, who has been battling back from a torn calf muscle suffered on the first day of training camp back in late September has, by various accounts, been putting himself through grueling workouts. This is a sentiment I'd read in numerous media outlets, mostly credited to D'Antoni. I must admit. I didn't buy any of it -- not for a second.

In all honesty, I've always had a soft spot for Eddy Curry, no pun on his love handles intended. That said, he seemed a lost soul with oodles of talent and zero drive. His conditioning was awful, his work ethic non-existent. The only passion one could validate was his love for the buffet line. You wanted to see him fight, but the DNA strain just didn't seem to be there. Then, I caught this video today.

For a second, ignore the ridiculous "Help on the Way" headline as it relates to the 1-7 Knicks. Forego the notion that Eddy is not built for Coach Mike's style of play. Suspend disbelief. And just for this singular moment, let's give some props to Eddy Curry. He's easily dropped 50 pounds, if not 75. Whether it will make a difference is yet to be seen, but the transformation in and of itself has already proved something within Curry few of us thought to exist.

Reckless Rambling on L.J., Spurrier, Yanks, Etc.

2009-11-09T22:32:00.008-05:00

So, I've been busy at work lately. Hence, no long, thoughtful reflective posts about clever little sports commonalities from the late 80s we can all share and collectively giggle about. I ain't got the time or the energy. Home ownership. Job. Life. All getting in the way of blogging. Friggin' B.S. if you ask me. But what can you do. So, instead, you get uninhibited and somewhat random rants on stuff that's been bouncing around in the ole noggin. Deal. With. It. Please?

First up, Larry Johnson. Not to judge, but dirtbag, washed-up primadonna. The fact that Jets fans are even discussing this (regardless of reality) is embarrassing. The guy is on a steep downward slope. His better days are gone, and he's done nothing to distinguish himself in any other facet of life. I love that he's getting denied the Chiefs record. What's that, Larry? Ohh, you really wanted to break it? Tough sh*t. My biggest fear? He goes to New England and experiences some modicum of success. I am frightened of this because I could actually see it happening.

The LBJ to New York fantasy. Our friends at Waiting for Next Year have been all over this one, from their unabashedly Cleveland-ized vantage point. Still, they are absolutely right. The media's obsession (and notice I say media so as to signify beyond ESPN) is out-of-control. If for no other reason than that the notion is a complete fabrication of any semblance of reality. There is nothing there and never has been...anything. That's what makes it so terribly irresponsible.

Steve Spurrier, Charlie Weis, Dan Hawkins and Steve Kragthorpe all have jobs. I'm Ron Burgundy? Granted, the variance between the aforementioned programs, the relative expectations of their respective coaches and programs and results to date for each lead man all vary dramatically. That said, the common thread is that I can't believe any of them still have jobs. The exception may be Spurrier. Still, I look up and his Gamecocks are painfully average, wildly inconsistent, struggling on offense and fighting for a lower-tier bowl. I feel like I've heard this story before. My only awakening was in checking the last few decades of SC football and realizing that they haven't ever been a whole lot better. Must've been my misconception. Were they good in the Steve Taneyhill days? Or was I just blinded by the ponytail?

Yankee hate. This is not a new concept for those that've been with us for awhile. As always, the loathe is more for what the franchise represents than the actual players. In acuality, the number of players we despise is greatly diminished versus back in the day (see: Paulie O'Neil, Brosius, Knoblauch, Wetteland, Clemens, etc.). However, I still can find a few. At dinner with a few buddies tonight one of my Yankee-backing friends asked me to rattle them off. Just for the record...A-Roid, Joba, Damon. That's all I could really come up with tonight. I think Texiera is a tool and Posada's a bit full of crap, Burnett has some punklike qualities, but I've really got no serious issues with anyone outside those three. In case anyone was curious...

Knicks abyssmal. Running out of steam but 1-7 doesn't really inspire one to waste a lot of breath. Hard to think this pathetic a level of performance was still possible for a NY-area franchise this day in age...

Blount Gets a Pass. LeGarrette Blount will be back on the field for Oregon this coming Saturday. So far, whomever wrote his statement did a pretty good job in my personal opinion. As for his reinstatement, my feelings are mixed. As you may recall, I commended Chip Kelly and the university for their initial actions. In an era of hypocrisy, leniency and a tendency to avoid accountability and taking responsibility at all costs, the Ducks, their administration and, most clearly, the coach and athletic program bucked the trend. Now, has Blount served what is more than an adequate suspension. Maybe. Regardless, I would've liked to see Kelly and crew stick to their guns. The fact that the move comes a week after the Ducks slipped up and lost to Stanford is mildly intriguing, although Kelly insists Blount will be sitting far down on the depth chart upon his return. We shall see.

I Continue to Like Mike Smith, Moreso Now...

2009-11-09T11:27:00.006-05:00

Just for the record, I see nothing very much wrong with this reaction from Mike Smith. If he threw a punch, I'll retract and say he crossed the line. Otherwise, I not only accept his behavior, I strongly support it. Hell, I'll bet most fans wish their coaches would show that kind of venom in defense of their players. The Falcons are not all the way "there" yet, but they're a helluva lot closer and Smith deserves a lot of the credit. Notice the striking juxtraposition of the seemingly emotionless Jim Zorn. Poor 'Skins.

Sure plenty more fallout coming from this one. While he may ulimately win some sort of action, DeAngelo Hall doesn't scream "sympathetic character" to me. We shall see. Here's what got it all going.

Cause This is Spilll-er, C.J. Spiller's Night!

2009-11-08T11:31:00.022-05:00

No Number of 'Noles Stopping Spiller
(AP Photo, Shiro)

I find it hard to believe many people can come near to doing what Clemson's C.J. Spiller does with his two legs. Turns out, he can put most to shame on only one good wheel. Just ask Florida St.

The move has kept me from a solid Saturday of wall-to-wall college football, but I managed to stop long enough to catch most of the FSU-Clemson game, which proved to be one of the most entertaining games of the day. It wasn't the prettiest football you'll ever see, but watching C.J. Spiller was a thing of beauty - even at less than 100%.

In case you missed it, the senior do-everything back for the Tigers, torched the once-mighty-now-meek Florida St. defense for a school record 312 all-purpose yards. Spiller half-limped through the performance, at times unable to tap into that extra gear that those of us who've been wowed by his speed are used to seeing. No matter, Spiller had more than enough gas in the tank on a number of critical third downs and drives when Clemson needed to respond, where, in the past, they've faded with a whimper. Last night they did not, thanks mainly to Spiller.

C.J.'s two touchdowns, 165 yards rushing and a 58-yard TD reception to put Clemson back in the lead at the start of the third quarter, kept the Tigers ACC title hopes alive. It was also sufficient to maintain Spiller's rightful spot in the Heisman discussion. Use every cliche you want, they also seem to work with this guy. "Gritty." "Gutsy." "A football player." I hear 'em all, and they all rang pretty true last night. If I were Clemson, I'd stage another Thriller performance prior to next Saturday's game at NC State.

Chris Cooley's Fine-Tuning His Pottery Skills

2009-11-05T22:43:00.004-05:00

I've always been a Chris Cooley fan. It's kinda hard not to be, particularly following the hot pants, hot wife and all-around alpha maleness and blogging madness. That's why it was particularly disheartening to hear about Cooley going down for the year with a knee injury.

So, what's keeping the Pro Bowl tight end occupied during his time at home. Pottery, what else?

Via Cooley's blog

Over-Under on Lincecum 2K9 Commercial Remix?

2009-11-05T22:16:00.010-05:00

Most have probably already heard the somehow not-at-all-surprising news of Cy Young award winner Tim Lincecum getting pulled over and then "busted" with a bit of weed. Let's just say I don't disagree with most of the commenters on said article. But I'm not here to debate that stuff. What I'm waiting for?

The Interwebs, and sports blogdome, feature a ton of clever, techie-types. Many of them are quite adept at video/sound editing and the like. How long until someone finds some ingenious way to take this late, breaking news and somehow integrate it within a remixed version of the below. It's what immediately popped into my head. You know someone's already working on this. They have to be. Right?

Teddy KGB as Kenny Rogers...Or Something

2009-11-05T21:57:00.003-05:00

I know in the classical sense of film and cinematography it's no epic movie. I don't care. Rounders is easily in my top 10. Just how high, I'd need some more time to determine. Teddy KGB is one of the huge reasons why. I am lucky enough to work with a team in the office that not only quotes the same movies with nearly equal aptitude, but who all honor and respect KGB at every opportunity -- and all in contextually relevant ways (which is of course the key to great quoting). If I had a dollar for every time we used "veery eh-gress-seeve..."

Where's this taking me? Check out the video below. Random stumble on YouTube. Sure, it's not like you'd even for a second buy the words of the song come near the words emitted from Malkovic's lips. But that's what makes it fun. Especially when you know absolutely every word that was coming out of his mouth in that movie. Plus, it's just a clever little editing job.

I wasn't sure what to do with it, actually. So...here...

The Axis of Evil Has Re-Aligned to its Familiar Position

2009-11-05T09:07:00.009-05:00

All is right, and by that I mean horribly wrong, in the world again. The Evil Empire has re-claimed its spot atop the baseball universe, casting its belittling eye upon the downtrodden MLB masses.

I have no desire to talk about this event and will now go about trying to avoid all sports highlight shows, newspapers and online coverage of said occurrence to as great a deal as is humanly possible. Hopefully, in a few weeks it will all fade into the darkness - leaving the New York media ample opportunity to then heap deserved criticism on the Jets and Giants (who've managed to escape their real ire to date, thanks to those friendly Bronx Bombers).

It really is brutal. Peter Gammons speaking to how "proud he is" of Alex Rodriguez. Jeter opining on the "long time" it's been seen the Yanks last championship. Pettite railing on about the bond in the lockerroom and the team's singular focus since spring training and blah, blah, blah. Why must we continue to endure this?

After Without Bias...

2009-11-03T22:40:00.023-05:00

This is the picture that is etched in my memory. There's something about the look. There's something bigger in that smile. It seems to say so many things - to speak such volumes about Len Bias. It has a little of his swagger. It has a little of his appreciation. It hints at the promise. It encapsulates the joy of what he'd accomplished at that moment. It seemed to give a sense that, right then, he knew so much about what could be, and, at the same time, it belied an innocence that would soon prove he also knew very little.

If you can't already tell, I just finished watching "Without Bias," tonight's feature in ESPN's 30 for 30 series of documentaries. The story is, of course, not new to me nor to millions of others. I've got nothing profound, new or particularly insightful to say about the film, Bias's story, or what it means or says - about our society, about fame, youth or basketball. I'm going to keep writing anyway. Call it temporary catharsis through blogging, or whatever you feel like. Maybe if you're a 30-something like me you'll somehow understand just wanting to talk it out.

I DVR'd tonight's installment in ESPN's (damn good) series. I don't tape shows. There's nothing I typically care that much about watching. But this is a story stays with you. As a 32-year old who grew up living, breathing and absorbing everything sports, it is an indelible memories. If you're around my age, this story is part of you, part of your history. His is a name that is unforgettable for so many of the wrong reasons. Len Bias.

My wife (who's 31) had never heard of him. I thought she was joking when she repsonded thusly earlier this evening. So, I started telling the familiar story completely anticipating it would hit her like a ton of bricks. It didn't. I'm still baffled. Len Bias's tales, as I expressed with what she surely perceived to be a disproportionate degree of seriousness, is a part of our Gen X/Y DNA (or so I thought). It is as much a "sports story" as a cultural and historical one.

That is, of course, what makes it so significant. If that's even the right word... unforgettable? painful? tragic? A single moment that left a permanent imprint on sport, on society, on goverment, on our culture. As Bill Simmons once wrote, Len Bias became the permanent anti-drug ad. The notion (based on the myth around Bias's use or reality) that using cocaine once could kill you spooked kids across America who may have known nothing of drugs prior to his death. This person's death would resonate in such a way with so many that people (including those included in tonight's showing) compared the event (and the association it carried with a segment of a population and an era), to the the assination of JFK.

Watching "Without Bias," the shadow cast by Len Bias's death, and all that came along with it, has not faded. Tonight only served to remind me of the just how much promise existed, of just how good Len Bias was and might have been. The piece did what the story still does to so many of us. It made me sad, reflective and remiscent. It made me feel a bit older. And, in some ways, it made me angry. Angry at him. Angry at his teammates. Angry at the senselessness, as well as the sense of deification often bestowed upon him - naivety (depending on whom you believe) or any other reasons or rationale for his actions withstanding.

But that's not to be debated here. The film took the appropriate road that neither overly glorified nor completely dismissed the realities of Bias's story. It also reminded me of the tragedy of Jay Bias, and the pain this family has endured. As is usually the case, recalling Len Bias is always about what the greatest of highs, and mountains of potential, and the speed and startling circumstances in which it so dramatically disappeard. It is a modern American tragedy in all of the figurative and literal meanings of the played out expression. Strangely, summing it up I come around to a quote from a film about an Italian kid growing up in the Bronx:

The saddest thing in life is wasted talent, and the choices you make will shape your life forever.

Hopefully, the lessons from Len Bias's death live on and prevent more talent from unnecessarily wasting away.

NFL Teams Busy Evaluating Up and Down, Top to Bottom and Side-to-Side

2009-11-02T22:37:00.009-05:00

Perhaps a Good Time for Evaluation, No?

What happened to preseason evaluation? Isn't that was those draft day war rooms and training camp are for? Apparently, taking a look at your roster and "evaluating everyone" from "top to bottom" is all the rage these days in the NFL.

The Browns are doing it. Jim Mora and the Seahawks are doing it. The Redskins have already done it. Apparently, nobody looks at their team prior to the season and evaluates. Nope, it's only when your team comes out of the gate and sucks ass that management and coaches start thinking about assessing their players and talent.

Maybe the Jets need to start re-evaluating some stuff from top-to-bottom. I suggest starting with the kick coverage unit.

Thoughts on the Vicious Eye Gouger! (inject mild sarcasm here)

2009-11-02T19:38:00.009-05:00

This is Brandon Spikes. Doer of evil. Blight on all of collegiate football. Gouger of eyes. Sinner of sinners.

At least that's what much of America would like you to believe. Spikes is an unconscionable thug, a "criminal" and deserving of "jail time" for trying to "blind a man." These are things I read today in various places on the Interwebs, apparently from actual human beings. People are passionate about college football in parts of this country to a degree that is absolutely frightening. I understand this. Yet, still, it does not merit the fire-breathing debate flaring on this one.

I almost want to punch myself for writing about it, but I feel like I'd be shirking my sports blogging duties were I not to at least quickly address it. Are you ready America? OK, here are my thoughts. Try to contain yourself and pretend that you haven't been waiting for hours upon hours - and only casually listening to the commentary from ESPN analysts, radio show hosts and bloggers ad nauseam -- solely to hear my take. Well, wait no more.

It was a dirty play. I'm not sure that's up for debate. Football is also a violent, emotional game that occasionally brings about rash, ill-tempered actions. I consider myself a fairly polite and gentle citizen, but, back in my playing days, there were things that happened on the field from time to time that were not...well, you once in awhile do things that aren't nice. Occasionally, these actions extend beyond the rules of the game and the accepted norms. This would be one of those cases. There are dozens of them that happen every game. In this case, nothing was called. Should there have been a penalty? Absolutely...and maybe even an accompanying ejection.

Now, after the fact, is there really much that can or should be done? I guess you can make the argument the answer is an unequivocal "yes." OK, so the tape shows a cheap shot. This isn't the NFL, so fines are not the easy a solution. So, you look at suspension. Urban Meyer will sit Spikes for the first half of the Vandy game. The SEC deems that appropriate, or at least such would seem the case in that they will not dole out any additional punishment.

Conclusion: the suspension itself probably merits the "crime" in this case - regardless of the ridiculous rhetoric pouring out of the mouths and onto the screens and comment sections of the Web from the fanaticals. That said, sometimes the punishment needs to be harsher than the crime. At times, the punishment needs to send a more important message that says not only will you pay the price, but now I need to use this as an example and an opportunity to show others what our program is or isn't about.

Chip Kelly did that earlier this year (keep in mind, I am NOT equating Blount's punch with Spikes's "gouge"), and I gave him high marks for so doing. And, I guess, so did Urban Meyer today. Take that for whatever it's worth.

Ginn Gone, Yanks Closing In, Vomit All Around

2009-11-02T09:07:00.007-05:00

Tackle Him...or Don't

AP Photo/Peter Morgan

Still getting my bearings following my first live Jets experience of the 2009 campaign. Just like old times, Sunday was painfully disappointing with the green slime finding another innovative way to lose -- this time by giving up two massive kickoff returns in the span of a quarter. Kudos go to the entire coverage unit, all the way to Jay Feely whose first boot managed to get approximately two feet off the group allowing Ginn to hit full stride by the 30-yard line with no Jet having yet matriculated their way down the field.

In other news, Blanton was serviceable and the Phils had their chances. Instead, the Yanks rallied to win which is bad enough. A-Rod being the hero was the icing on the cake. Luckily, the Knicks are panning out to be worse than the 2008-09 version, so my watching my favorite teams compete for anything will need to get pushed back at least another year.

For our LCG friends hailing from the Ohio region, the Brownies managed to score a touchdown yesterday, an event that has now occurred in fully half of Cleveland's contests this season. Kudos. Unfortunately, the extra point was blocked. The Browns six-point offensive explosion means Mangini's bunch is now averaging under 10ppg this season. So, you're sayin' there's a chance!

Just to relive the misery. Dude. Is. Fast. Second return was pretty sick - in every manner of the word.

Brownies, Raiders & Rams: Giving Bad a Historic New Name?

2009-10-31T11:07:00.011-04:00

I swear I have no vendetta against the Raiders, Brownies or Rams. In fact, I have the utmost respect for the true fans of these organizations. That said, I've been messing around the Web a bit and just stumbled upon some numbers that have rendered me speechless. At first, I thought they had to be wrong. Let's just say I knew the Dawg Pound, Raider Nation and the backers of the Lambs were suffering through some bad football. However, I'm not sure people are really drinking in the degree of ineptitude these squads have displayed. We're on pace for historic suckiness. Let me explain.

The short(er) version of the story. I was sitting around drinking wine last night and trolling the Internet (which is what I, as a married 32 yr. old, now do on Friday night but that's neither here nor there). Somehow, I landed on clevelandbrowns.com and a note that the Brownies have failed to score a touchdown in four of their seven games leaped off the virtual page at me. In addition to once again reminding me that there are worse predicaments one can face than being a Jets fan, it also got me thinking...

Specifically, I thought "wow, that's shockingly bad." I wonder just how many points per game Cleveland is managing to amass so far this fine season. The answer? 10.3/ppg. Good for 30th in the NFL. This led to more bewilderment -- not that Mangini's crew was barely scraping 10 points/game behind the resurgent Derek Anderson, but, rather, that such a figure only placed them 30th in the NFL in the category.

Who on Earth could be averaging fewer points a game?

/Door flies open KSK-style and in bursts the Oakland Raiders and St. Louis Rams.

Yeeee-haw! Yes, both the Rams and Raiders sit below the Browns, sporting 8.9 and 8.6/ppg averages respectively. At this point, I'm starting to think these numbers can't be anywhere near normal. Turns out, they're not. Granted it's not even halfway through the season, and I'm admittedly not the Elias Sports Bureau, but consider this:

The last time a team finished the season with a PPG average as low as 10 was the Oakland Raiders of 2006 (10.5); even last years 0-16 Lions squad managed over two touchdowns a contest (16.8).
Prior to that, it was the 2001 Cleveland Browns lighting up the scoreboard for 10.1 PPG. That year's squad went 3-13 and featured, at various times, Tim Couch, Doug Pedersen and Spergon Wynn under center. I am only starting to grasp what it means to be a Browns fan.
So, if you're following my alcohol-fueled logic path, the last time a team finished the season having averaged less than 10 ppg? 1992. 17 years ago. The 1992 Seattle Seahawks managed just 8.8 ppg during that 2-14 debacle of a season.

Where does this all take us? In my mind, perhaps towards a new place in the history of suck. My energy ran out after checking back thiry years to 1979. The question? When was the last time - or has there been a time - where multiple NFL teams have finished the season with ppg averages below 10? If the season ended today, we'd have two with a third just out of range. Sure, it's not too probable, but judging by their performance to date you've got not one, not two but three strong candidates to do so.

Drink that in as you bitch about your favorite team this weekend.

Breaking News: Detroit Residents Spared Toruture of Lions-Lambs with Another Blackout

2009-10-30T09:58:00.009-04:00

In a truly shocking development, the Detroit Lions/St. Louis Lambs battle for NFC whatever-is-the-opposite of supremacy(?) will not be televised in the Motor City.

This is the Lions second blacked out game of the 2009 campaign. Detroit fans have been deprived (ok, maybe not the right word) of their Lions football on the tube in a staggering seven of the last 10 home games dating back to last season.

Apparently, the Lions fell a scant 10,000 tickets short of filling up Ford Field for this match up between two teams who've combined for a single win.

In other news, residents of St. Louis have been flooding the phone lines of their local cable providers protesting that they will still be able to tune in.

The Decision is Clear Now

2009-10-29T09:55:00.005-04:00

Remember that whole thing about not knowing quite who to back in this World Series deal? It took watching one pitch for it all to come into staggeringly clear focus. Give me more of the below (from this morning's Metro). Here we go, Pedro, here we go!

Knicks Singing Skills Potentially Worse than On-Court Action

2009-10-28T16:00:00.009-04:00

So, the Knicks season opener is tonight in Miami. And, although I tend to mock the franchise and even feign an all-out split, I can't hide that I still watch - on occasion. Tonight will not be one of those instances. Nevertheless, I thought it my civic obligation to head over to knicks.com and at least educate myself.

It was there I was treated to the latest "Know Your Knicks" feature. The focus? Favorite song. Drink in the all-time selections from our New York Knicks. Also be sure to check out Toney Douglas, Al Harrington and Kryponate flexing the golden pipes -- or not. My personal commentary. In general, I question the historical significance of some of these selections. Best ever made was the question, fellas. Hope your defense is better than your question interpretation.

1. Nothing against the King of Pop, but if he's still around I'm doubting three of these dudes would be giving props to MJ for "best song ever made"

2. I have to admit, I wasn't waiting on the Jay-Z/Rihanna combo from Danillo Galinari. Who knew?

3. Nate's is the only answer I can give some respect to...I can recite that whole song, too. One of top 10 in genre. Ever. Believe that.

The Quandary of JaMarcus Russell

2009-10-27T22:03:00.012-04:00

Chances are nobody cares. For some reason though, I am really caught up on this whole JaMarcus Russell thing. Maybe it's because I'm a big college football fan and loved watching him play at LSU. Maybe it's because I saw him before the draft at an event and witnessed the whole cannon arm thing in person. Maybe it's simply because I cannot believe someone can play the quarterback position for an extended period of time and not have more of a clue. It just seems to defy logic.
The more intriguing question is what the hell do you do now? JaMarcus will start again this coming weekend in San Diego. I do not expect that to go well. Which takes us to the question of expectations which sits near the heart of this whole thing. Quarterbacks selected #1 overall in 21st century NFL drafts are expected to contribute immediately. Russell has not. From the start, he has lagged behind. Worse still, he seems to be slipping further away as opposed to progressing.

Despite the struggles, I've been pulling for him. And, at moments last year, it looked like he was making strides. However, I've now watched two full games of JaMarcus Russell this season - against the Giants and Jets. My. Effin. Goodness. Not for nothing, I knew he was bad, but these performances were you-gotta-be-sh*ttin'-me, mouth agape, shaking-head-in-disbelief bad. Forget the numbers. Any football fan watching those games saw a player unprepared, unaware and, seemingly, entirely uninterested.

Russell lacks field presence. His decision-making is terrible. His arm, no matter how strong, is still wildly inaccurate. His footwork stinks. And, oh yea, he doesn't seem to be much of a leader, either. If the latter was the case, you might be able to forget at least a couple of the first few items on this list. The problem for the Raiders is multi-fold. First, they've invested a ton in this guy. Second, the Bruce Gradkowski Experiment and Charlie Frye aren't leading Oaktown to the promised land now, or later.

So, seriously, what do you do? It's such an interesting situation. You almost can't afford to put him on the feel on one hand. And, on the other, you can't make any compelling argument to keep him off it. In fact, one could debate you absolutely have to keep him out there, otherwise, how is he going to develop?

I don't know where any of this is going. All I know is that it causes my circuits to scramble. Part of me wants to already pen the post that Russell is already the favroite to claim the title worst #1 quarterback ever selected in the modern era. Whatever other side of the brain is reminding me that the kid has started all of 23 games. He's even won seven of them. You can't write him off yet. Then I imagine coaches watching film. Still, you can't say it's never going to happen (even if "it" means being an average NFL quarterback). I mean, can you?

Nick Swisher, Joanna Garcia and the "Jake Plummer Grizzly Adams"

2009-10-27T21:04:00.014-04:00

I'm still undecided on this whole apocalyptic World Series match up. That aside, I'm slowly coming around on at least one Yankee -- his name is Nick Swisher. Sure, at one time I kinda likened him to the overrated Eric Byrnes-type who nobody could seem to shut up about. Constantly using words like "infectious" and "enthusiasm" and "unbridled." Ya know, fun terms like "freewheeling," "laid back" and "gritty." I could get how all that could make one nauseous. Still, I like Eric Byrnes, and the same goes for Swisher. Despite the same old tired story. And that was before I did additional research and learned that he's dating the lady to the left.

Swisher seems to have what many of the Yankees seem to lack (personality, fire, enthusiasm) and none of those personality traits that make you hate a bunch of the lot (arrogance, diva-ishness, etc.). Don't you like my scientific breakdown of why the Yanks are so hate-able, by the way? Whatever, let's not get into that whole bag again. This is about Swisher.

Rick Reilly (speaking of arrogant folks we're not-too-fond-of) recently penned one of his shorter "Go Fish" columns on ESPN.com with the spotlight on Swisher. Other than his "Swisher could make a colonoscopy fun" line, it was light and fun and seemed to fall in line with all Swisher is about. He seems an approachable kind of guy who you might want to have a beer with -- and one who might actually indulge you as opposed to brushing you off like they're Johnny Big Time. I also love the inclination to go with the "Jake Plummer Grizzly Adams" if the Yanks ever lift that whole no facial hair thing.

Sure, others pay attention to his actual on-the-field production and even question whether his lack thereof in the postseason could be the fatal flaw in the Yanks quest for championship number twenty-seven. I like that he's running around at 100 MPH. Even if half the time it's in the wrong direction and the other half he should probably be cranking it down to 75. It's way better than so many of today's players who seem to be going through the motions at the speed limit looking apathetic at best.

Call it cliche, but Swisher also looks to be having fun. And, while we're making total leaps based entirely on perception, appears to appreciate his opportunity (you know, to play baseball for a living which is certainly not par for the course - on the Yanks or elsewhere). So, if the Yankees do have to win this World Series eventually, we wouldn't mind seeing Swish be one of the big reasons why. If it's Nick as hero versus A-Roid, you can bet which lever we'd choose. Um, did we mention Swish's girlfriend Joanna also owns Kate Hudson. Just sayin...

For those who might not have known (like me), here's a little bit from Wikipedia on one Ms. Garcia:

Joanna Leanna García (born August 10, 1979) is an American television and film actress. She is perhaps best known for her portrayal of Cheyenne Hart-Montgomery on The CW sitcom Reba, her leading roles on short-lived series Welcome to The Captain and Privileged.

I am told she is also on Gossip Girl. A show that I have never seen, but, apparently, is watched by millions. Go figure. For the obligatory Garcia photo gallery, go here for starters.

The Florida Tuskers are Unstoppable (in case you've missed it)

2009-10-26T19:17:00.007-04:00

Ladies and gentlemen, beware the Tuskers. That would be the Florida Tuskers, of course. The undefeated Florida Tuskers. You know, of the UFL? They just came off a dominant win against the Redwoods...of California. What's that? You have no idea WTF I'm talking about? Hmm, where to begin. It's Jim Haslett, Brooks Bollinger and a " wild boar, many of which roam wild throughout the everglades and the state of Florida." Make sense now? Welcome to the UFL, people.

For those just catching up, the United Football "League" (and we use that term loosely) kicked off its inaugural campaign in early October. I remember reading all about it, as well its teams and their funky uniforms and their re-tread coaches and borderline-NFL players over the summer. Then, I promptly forgot completely about its existence. Hence, you can imagine my surprise in finding that they're almost halfway through their season!

Regardless, I felt it my sports blogging duty to report on the goings-on over there. More specifically, Coach Haslett's Tuskers (pictured below...with Tusker).

The feisty bunch has blazed out of the gates at 3-0 and seems poised to steamroll its way to the November 27th championship game in Las Vegas -- to be broadcast on ESPN 8, The Ocho (OK, Versus, but what's really the difference?). The Tuskers have ridden the golden right arm of Brooks Bollinger who's putting up stats that would put him atop the passer rating leaders in the NFL. If only...

Seriously, though, I love football. I used to head to Jersey for Generals USFL action back in the mid-80s with my dad. I still own a Houston Gamblers shirt (in honor of Jim Kelly)...and an Oakland Invaders one (because I thought lightning bolts were super-cool...uhhh, then). The Las Vegas Locomotives, though? Not so much. So, what's the point of this post? Excellent question.

Can I answer your imaginary question with another question? What's the point of the UFL? Four teams? Wait, so the mighty Tuskers have already played the entire League? Is this a money maker? Feeder league to the NFL? Where "future stars come to play?"Pray tell. Admittedly, the process of asking all these questions has mildly increased my curiosity to tune in and watch the likes of Ingle Martin and my former Jets homeboy Jerome Wiggins. And, of course, JP Losman.

OK, maybe not.