Tied For Last

The "Bad Newz Kennel" Transcripts

2007-08-19T10:02:00.000-07:00

In late July of 2007, Michael Vick, the starting quarterback for the Atlanta Falcons, was indicted on charges of running an illegal dog-fighting ring on his home property in Surry County, Virginia.

Vick vehemently denied the malicious accusations at first, claiming that the operation had been run entirely by friends without his consent. But evidence proved to be contradictory to his initial statements. Financial records portrayed Vick not as the victim of circumstance, but as the sole financier and owner of the operation.

But no evidence was more condemning than the tapes recorded at Vicks house between the dates of April 7 and June 26, 2007. Here we provide the reader with one such transcript recorded at the dog-fighting compound (known commonly to patrons as the “Bad Newz Kennel) Editors notes have been provided in brackets.

Conversation: 798-23
Date: June 14, 2007
Time: Between 9:17 am and 9:27 am
Location: “Bad Newz Kennel”
Participants: Michael Vick, Martha Wincheck, PJ, unknown man

[Ed. Note: Despite how the media portrayed her in early reports, Martha Wincheck was not a regular patron to Vick’s establishment. Quite contrarily, she was a woman who confused the “Bad Newz Kennel” for an actual dog kennel before leaving on vacation.]

[Ed. Note: A door is heard opening and closing. A bell rings when the door opens.]

Wincheck: [unclear]

Vick: [Vick speaks robotically] Hello and welcome to Michael Vicks “Bad Newz Kennel”. My name is Michael Vick, owner, financier and head dog groomer at Michael Vicks “Bad Newz Kennel.” How may I be of assistance today? [barking heard]

Wincheck: Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii. Oh my, what a glorious morning isn’t it?!

Vick: [Vick speaks robotically for the remainder of the discussion]. Yes ma’am. It is a very nice day indeed. A perfect day to groom dogs and play football with the Atlanta Falcons. [more barking heard in background]

Wincheck: [cackles] Well, I know how that is! [more overly enthusiastic cackling]

Vick: [silence]

Wincheck: Well, I saw your quarter page ad in the Surry County Sentinel this morni…

Vick: [overlapping conversation] Yes, the Surry County Sentinel. Very informative paper. I read the funny pages every morning. I particularly enjoy Curtis.

Wincheck: Ah yes, Curtis. The strip that follows the humorous exploits of a young black child… I don’t care too much for that one. I mainly read Family Circus.

Vick: [no one speaks for about two minutes. Barking in the background gets louder and louder. It sounds as if there is a dog skirmish.]

Wincheck: [Wincheck speaks louder to be heard over the dogs] Uh, well, anyways…I saw your ad in the Sentinel and just had to come down here. I’ve been to every kennel in town, but not this one. We’re…oh, excuse me…me and my husband Stephen are about to go on vacation and we wanted to drop off our dog Fifi so tha….

Vick: [screaming angrily] YO PJ!!! PJ!!! GET YOUR FUCKIN’ ASS OUT HERRE!

Wincheck: Ooohhh my….

Vick: [Vick calms down and speaks robotically again] Oh, I’m sorry ma’am. It’s been pretty crazy ‘round here, what with the summer season and all. Very stressful. It’s tough running a kennel and playing professional football sometimes. ‘Na mean?

Wincheck: [unclear] year we go up to Lake Winnipesauke. So yes, I ‘na you mean. [she cackles again]

[Ed. Note: Another door is heard opening]

PJ: [laughing hysterically] OH SHIT MIKE! YOU SHOULD HAVE FUCKIN’ SEEN THAT LAST ROUND. IT WAS FUCKIN’ HILAR…oh shit, uh, hello ma’am.

Vick: Excuse me ma’am. I need to speak with my associate in the other room for a moment. But feel free to sit down for a moment. There are some old issues of Hustler and ESPN magazine over by those chairs if you want something to look at.

Wincheck: [unclear over dog barking]

[Ed. Note: We can only assume that Vick left the room as indicated. But his shouting could still be heard from the waiting room where the bug was planted.]

Vick: Motha’ fucka’ are you crazy?! How many fuckin’ times do I have to tell you?! No rounds when customers come in. Jesus man. You gonna fuck this whole thing up.

PJ: [inaudible]

Vick: [unclear]

[Ed. Note: Vick and PJ re-enter the main waiting room with Wincheck.]

Vick: [dog barking is incredibly loud. A group of people are heard cheering in the background.] And shut those bitches up…

PJ: Sorry Mike. I’ll take care of it. Won’t happen again. Good day ma’am. [leaves room. Door heard closing. Unclear shouting heard in the next room.]

Vick: Sorry about that ma’am. Let’s get your dog checked in. [single gun shot heard. Only one dog heard barking now.]

Wincheck: OH MY!

Vick: Fuse shorted. No worries.

Wincheck: Yes, of course. A fuse. On a side note, I noticed your colleague had red paint all over his shirt and pants. Are you painting the kennels back there?

Vick: Uh….yeah. Something like that. So how heavy is your dog?

Wincheck: Is that okay for the dogs? The fumes, that is?

Vick: What fumes? Oh, right…the “paint”. Yeah. Dogs love that shit.

Wincheck: Oh, I didn’t know that. [a loud electrical sound is heard in the background. Horrific dog whimpering is heard, then silence.] What on earth was that?!!

Vick: Did I stutter? Did I stutter? I told you fuse problems.

Wincheck: Yes, the fuse again and what have you. So you want the dog’s weight?

Vick: [unclear]

Wincheck: I’d say about 45 pounds. Fifi’s just a little dog. Isn’t that right Fifi? Aren’t you little? Yes you are. Oh yes you are.

Vick: No worries ma’am. It ain’t the size of the dog in the fight. It’s the size of the fight in the dog.

Wincheck: Hmmm, I’ve never heard that before. I’ll have to use that.

[Ed. Note: unknown man enters room]

Man: Yo Mike. We need help lifting the, uh, cargo out to the back dumpster.

Vick: Motha’ fucka’ I’m filling out paper work and shit! Don’t you see that? New meat…I mean, guests, are checkin’ in. Just wait a fuckin’ minute.

Man: Oh, sorry Mike. Good day ma’am.

Wincheck: Uh, these men…are they veterinarians?

Vick: Of course they are. Why, they don’t look like vets to you.

Wincheck: No…it’s, er, not a look or anything…it’s just…er, I don’t know…

Vick: Is this a racial thing?! Ma’am, I take great offen..

Wincheck: [overlapping conversation] NO, NO, NO!!! It has nothing to do with race. I’m not a racist. No! Oh good heavens no! I didn’t…I hope…oh my, what a…that’s….no!

Vick: Well, I’ll let it slide ma’am. But just be careful about what you say about my associates. Sign here, here and here. [writing noises heard] Well, I think that’s it. We’ll take your dog now.

Wincheck: Oh, okay. Yes. Well, I guess I’ll be going. Goodbye Fifi. I love you. I looooooooove you. Oh, it’s so hard to leave. Make sure to give him part kibble and part green beans. Fifi only eats that for….

Vick: [overlapping conversation] Ma’am, you don’t want to hit bad traffic. Oh, wait. I need you to sign this before you leave. It’s really just standard paper work for our records.

Wincheck: What does it say?

Vick: Oh, you know. The standard. All kennels give these. It just says that you give us the right to feed, shelter, love, play with, groom, illegally fight, love, care for and most importantly love your dog.

Wincheck: What was that?

Vick: I said love unconditionally.

Wincheck: Yes, of course you did. Well, that seems harmless enough. [scribbling heard]

Vick: Oh and if Fifi looks a little different when you get back, like huskier and a totally different breed, it’s just because we worked him out so much.

Wincheck: Huh?

Vick: Forget I said anything. Well, you don’t have to go, but you just gots to get the hell up out of here.

Wincheck: Yes of course. Take good care of Fifi. Bye.

Vick: Have a great vacation.

[Ed. Note: Door heard opening and closing. Loud music is put on.]

Vick: FRESH BLOOOOOOOOOOD!!!! [Vick begins barking like a dog. People begin shouting.]

Man: Bets in! Bets iiiiiiiiiin! [barking heard again]

---end transcript---

[Ed. Note: Fifi was killed 47 seconds later by a Pitbull named Rosco the Rascal.]

The Democratic YouBate

2007-08-01T19:32:00.001-07:00

AVO

CNN now brings you back live to the first ever Democratic YouTube Debate

Camera fades from black. Applause is heard. The camera zooms in towards the moderator, Anderson Cooper. The applause quickly dies down. Cooper speaks.

ANDERSON COOPER

Ladies and gentleman, welcome back to tonight’s unprecedented event, the Democratic YouBate. For those of you at home who are just tuning in to the debates, I must explain tonight’s rather…unique… formatting.

Crowd chuckles

ANDERSON COOPER

Unlike the first few debates, these questions have not been written by myself, my colleagues or any other political pundits. They have been written by you….tube.

Crowd chuckles again

ANDERSON COOPER

Yes, all the questions tonight have been submitted to CNN via the internet, through a popular site called “YouTube.” For those of you unfamiliar with the program, YouTube is a website that houses and distributes “user generated content” or, as we journalists like to call it, the end of our jobs….

Cough heard. Cooper uncomfortably jumps back into the scripted patter.

ANDERSON COOPER

Well I can see you’re all eager to get back into it, so without further adieu, let us get back to the debate.

Senator Kucinich, this question is for you. It comes from Jane Yissum, in Redeso, California.

CUT TO: A video of a women sitting with her back to a white wall. She has put no time or effort into her appearance. Her hair is partially on fire. Her dog yips incessantly in the back ground. Her voice is deep and gravely, presumably from years of relentless smoking.

Jane waves into the camera

JANE YISSUM

Helllllllllooooooo candidates.

Awkward 57 second pause.

Well, me and Mr. Yissum here…

Jane holds up her dog for a brief second.

…were just wondering what your stance is on the war on fur-orism.

Jane hacks uncontrollably. As Jane begins to tear up in pain, she once again holds up her dog to the camera who is now partially on fire as well. Camera cuts to black

CUT TO: A wide shot of all the candidates grinning like idiots. Camera zooms in on SENATOR GRAVEL, who is either laughing of having a full stroke on stage. The camera then quickly cuts away to DENNIS KUCINICH, who appears to be confused.

KUCINICH

Was that a technical glitch? Did she say fur-orism? Was that a glitch?

HILLARY CLINTON

No, no Dennis, it was a joke.

KUCINICH

Wait. What? Why would someone joke during a debate?

HILLARY CLINTON

God, we’ve been telling you this over and over for the past 40 minutes. You see videos like this all the time on YouTube. My advisors have been telling me this for years. They’ve been telling all of us this: “voters love funny videos.” I mean, hell, even Bill Richardson’s cashed in on the YouTube culture. On his website there’s a video of him in a hotdog eating contest against one of those Asian bears?

SENATOR CHRISTOPHER DODD

You mean a panda?

HILLARY CLINTON

No, not a fucking panda. I’m talking about an Asian bear. Wait, who are you again?

Clinton stares at Dodd, then Anderson Cooper.

ANDERSON COOPER

That’s Senator Christopher Dodd, he’s…well, a senator from…some state…and….and…

Flipping over piece of white paper over

…well, that’s all my fact sheet says about him.

SENATOR CHRISTOPHER DODD

Oh come on, I’ve spent over 60 million dollars on ad-vertis-ments.

SENATOR JOE BIDEN

Can I say something? I really haven’t been given any time to talk. I must say, this debate has been woefully mismanaged…much like the war in Iraq.

HILLARY CLINTON

Stick to the topic Biden. We were talking about Asian bears, hot dogs and the purpose of YouTube.

ANDERSON COOPER

No. No we weren’t.

HILLARY CLINTON

Stay out of this Cooper. Senator Gravel, you know what I’m talking about with this YouTube business, right? Back me up here.

SENATOR GRAVEL

She’s right Dennis. People love YouTube.

Senator Gravel zips into a banana suit and breaks into song with a pair of maracas.

IT’S DEM-O-CRATIC VO-TING TIME, DEM-O-CRATIC VO-TING TIME, WHERE YA’ AT? WHERE YA’ AT? WHERE YA’ GO? WHERE YA’ GO?

OBAMA

What was the question again?

ANDERSON COOPER

Well for programming reasons Senator Obama, I’m afraid the line producer has asked me to move on. Our next video question comes from…

Anderson Cooper stares blankly at his note card

DGSuckMaster67 from Dickland, PA? Did anyone screen these…?

CUT TO: A video of a squirrel on water skis.

Audience goes wild with laughter and applause. Clip ends. Camera cuts back to the candidates and Cooper.

ANDERSON COOPER

Oh come on! That’s not even a question.

OBAMA

Actually, I’d like to answer this one…

ANDERSON COOPER

What one? There was no question…it was a fucking squirrel on water skis!

Gasps heard. A glass is heard shattering.

ANDERSON COOPER

Uh, I mean. Sorry about that folks. I let my temper get the best of me. Let’s go to our next video question.

CUT TO: A clip of a monkey drinking its own urine.

Crowd once again goes wild for the video. Cooper begins shouting over the laughter and applause.

ANDERSON COOPER

COME ON NOW! That’s it YouTube! You’ve been cutoff! No more “questions” from you tonight. This is a political debate for God’s sake! Let’s keep the level of discourse high here people….

CUT TO: A close up of SENATOR JOE BIDEN on top of his podium drinking his own urine.

BIDEN

You say something?

Audience goes even wilder

ANDERSON COOPER

I quit.

Anderson Cooper walks off stage.

SENATOR CHRISTOPHER DODD

You know, I’m pretty sure an Asian bear is a panda.

HILLARY CLINTON

Jesus Grod, would you move on?

A Formal Apology

2007-08-01T16:44:00.000-07:00

Dear reader (AKA no one):

Well, it turns out that I was wrong. Yes, again. And all I can say is “who knew?” To be honest, I really just didn’t think this whole “blog” thing would pan out. Sure my friends kept telling me that blogs would be the next frontier for comedy writing. And yes, they explained how it would be a place where people could write freely without fear of editorial censorship. But my gut told me otherwise. It told me to invest my time and money in more lucrative places. It told me to put my life savings into the “pogs” market.

In hindsight, it was bad move. Probably a bit too “high risk”. But honestly, if someone offered you a collection of pogs featuring the entire cast and crew of the TV show Fastlane for $7,567.54, wouldn’t you bite? Something as bizarre as that just has to appreciate in value over time. If I’ve said it once, I’ll say it again here: if there’s anything funnier than Bill Bellamy, it’s Bill Bellamy in pog form.

Of course John Q. Consumer didn’t see eye-to-eye with me on that point and the pog market collapsed quickly (apparently 6 years before I bought the pogs—damn you Merrill Lynch for not sending me that information when I needed it!) and I was left with nothing but a pile of worthless milk caps (which are still available for purchase on my website, www.whatthefuckwasithinking.com).

Like countless others, I had chased after fools gold (in my case, this mineral can be found on the periodic table as the element “McG”) in hopes of hitting it rich. I can now see that I was wrong. Nay—six years and several pog related suicide attempts later, I am man* enough to admit that I was wrong.

Some people might call it a bad omen to begin a blog with an apology note. In fact, some have noted that it’s the symbolic equivalent of failing to smash a champagne bottle against the side of a boat before it’s about to set sail. But I need to make good. I need to apologize to the bloggers I offended and made fun of in the past. Especially the Consito family. I should have never convinced that town to burn your son alive on the suspicion that he was a communist witch with a penchant for blogging. That was waaaaaay out of line.

So, here it is. Please have your cameras ready because this is a one time deal. Word of warning: do not stare at what I am about to write for too long. It will leave many of you completely blind and impotent.

Blogs and bloggers, I am sorry. Well, kind of.

Are you happy now? What more can you ask of me? Have we a truce? Still no? Well what if I give you the 15 dollar membership fee? Fantastic! Let this blogs’ maiden voyage commence! Ah Christ. I just tried to smash a champagne bottle against my computer and it didn’t break. This blog is fucking doomed.

Sincerely,
Christian Lynch

*that is, as “man” as a 5’11”, 155 pound albino he-boy can get