Figuring It Out

Oh Lord

2008-08-20T00:09:00.004-04:00

I joined Facebook. I have been attempting to not join for the entire time I have had a MySpace page. I don't have time to be hanging out in front of my computer mindlessly wandering from page to page, learning meaningless details about my friends' lives. What did I do all day, you might be wondering? I have been trying to get my page to include everything that my MySpace page does and that takes time and effort. What should I have been doing? I should have been calling cabaret venues for pricing and availability. So, what did I learn today? It's not as easy to stalk people on Facebook, but it sure can eat up your time!

Three and a Half Weeks Ago

2008-08-13T00:08:00.006-04:00

WARNING! Rated somewhere between PG-13 and R for violence and language.

I went out for drinks with Mere and Doug in Astoria after work. We started at Bar 36 but quickly moved on to a much better spot called the Brick Cafe. We talked and laughed, drank some beer and had a great time. Doug walked me to my train and Mere and I decided to time how long it took for us to each get home. She was walking quite a few blocks to her apartment and once I got off the train two stops away, I had a walk. It was about 3:15am when I got off the train and started my 15 minute walk home. I texted Mere that it had taken me only 20 minutes from the time we left the bar to my stop- I was super excited that the train came right away at that time in the morning. She had just gotten home. I knew she'd make it before me. As I walked down the garden pathway to my apartment and turned left toward my doorway, I reached into my bag to get my keys. I opened the first unlocked doorway and thought, "Yay, it's Friday! My Time magazine will be in the mailbox." As I was thinking this and looking at the mailboxes, I saw out of the corner of my eye, a man run up the three stairs to my entryway and open the door. He had no keys in his hand. I said, "You need to ring a buzzer, I'm not letting you in the building." I opened my mailbox, got out my magazine and saw that he had gotten out his phone- a Sidekick. I thought, "Well, he's making an effort." I turned my back to him and he reached around me with his right arm and grabbed me. This spun me around with a ferocity I wasn't aware I had. As I turned I elbowed him in the stomach and said, "You have got to be fucking kidding me." He said (and this was the only time he spoke), "All I want is just your... " (I put the ellipsis here, not for emphasis, but because my adrenaline was so pumped up that I can't really figure out what he said. I initially thought he said shoes, but there was no way that's what he wanted, I was wearing $7 ballet slipper type shoes from Payless). I had started kicking him and punching him and he grabbed both my wrists while I yelled and said just about every swear word I could think of at him. I looked to my right and saw the buzzers for all the apartments. I looked him straight in the eye and said, "I'll fucking ring every god damn buzzer in this building." I saw that my elbow was close enough to the buzzers that if I could just lean on them I would ring them all. I lunged toward the wall, but he pulled me away. It was at this moment when I stopped thinking and started screaming HELP at the top of my voice. He freaked out, let me go and ran out the door. I opened the door and screamed out at him, "Fuck you, you Mother Fucker!" I was so angry and scared, I didn't know what to do. I thought, "Where are my keys?" I looked on the floor, I grabbed at my purse and dug through it and then freaked out. I started crying hysterically because I realized without my keys I couldn't get safe. I thought he stole them. I was still in that tiny room unprotected and crumbled up in the corner crying. I dialed Meredith. She picked up and at first thought I was laughing. After I gasped through the story she told me to ring my land lady's bell. I did and as I turned toward the door I saw that I must have put my keys in the door just before he grabbed me. I ran upstairs, hung up with Mere and dialed 911. I had to recount the story to the dispatcher, then when the police arrived (less than five minutes later) I had to recount the story again. They took the description- young (less than 25, I'd put him at 21), 5' 9", Hispanic, light brown skin, blue jeans, white shirt and red baseball cap- pretty non-descript clothing. They said they would look around, but it had been at least 15 minutes since it had happened. They didn't come back. Meredith had gotten in a taxi and was there shortly after. I recounted the story to her and we tried to go to sleep. Needless to say I couldn't sleep and my tossing and turning wasn't helping her at all, plus it was the hottest night of the summer. She left in the morning after OB called when he saw all my missed calls and text messages. He came over right then to get me. He let me cry on his shoulder and then put me to bed at his apartment with the air conditioning on while he made me soup. I had bought tickets for us to see A Catered Affair that night, so he let me sleep (still not great sleep) until about 530 and then we ate our wonderful soup and went to the show. It wasn't the best show in the world, but we had a good time and then we headed to one of my favorite bars in midtown- Kemia Bar and we had such a fabulous time I was able to let go and forget about everything. It was the wonderful ending to a horrible day. After filing a report with the police department I was contacted by a Detective who informed me that the incident was considered "harassment"- a misdemeanor. This is for several reasons, but mostly because I fought him off and I wasn't hurt. I was also informed that I could look at mug shots, but that there would be over a thousand from my precinct and the two closest precincts using my description of him. I let it go. I only told my mom and left it to her to tell other people in my family because I was over telling it and I didn't want people to make a big fuss. That's why I never wrote about it and I think why I've had such a hard time writing the last few weeks. This incident consumes my thoughts on my walk home (less and less as the days go by, though) and so when I sit in front of the computer I can't write. I'm kind of tired of it, really. I figured writing it out might help and it might let women know they have the power to fight back. I knew I was a fighter, but I wasn't aware that I would act so instinctively. The only thing I ask of you all reading this is, if you comment, please do not talk about "what-ifs" and "might have beens." It's hard enough the way it actually happened, I don't need help imagining what could have happened. It has made me more aware of my surroundings and so, unfortunately, has taken away the time I had enjoyed with myself and my thoughts on my walk home. The first few times coming home were tough, but it's gotten easier. I'm not sleeping well, but my stress has always come out when I sleep. Hopefully that will ease over time too. And, please, no pity. I'm fine, if there is anyone to worry about, it's the boy who did this. I wonder about him a lot- what kind of life he might have if at such a young age he's doing what he did to me? Hopefully, whatever this was was the first time he had ever done anything like it and he took the hint that he's not very good at it. You can't target a girl in a super cute dress at 330 in the morning just because you think she won't fight back. But, thanks to him I got a reminder to never be the girl in the super cute dress coming home drunk because I wouldn't have done so well.

Sorry

2008-08-11T23:57:00.002-04:00

It's been over a week since I blogged. I realized last week what it was. There is a story that I didn't want to share, but I have realized that it is important to talk about. I obviously have been putting it off. And here's to a bit more procrastination, I need to go to bed so it will have to wait another day. Hope you are all still out there, I have not abandoned you!

Moving slowly

2008-08-02T13:13:00.002-04:00

So, I just got out of bed. Yesterday was a marathon. I worked setting up a trade show from 8am to 4pm and then I had to literally run across town, from 11th Ave and 37th street to Times Square (42 and 7th Ave), and then onto the shuttle to Grand Central (a short stop at a convenient store in GC where a Naked juice cost $5.79- Ouch!) and then to bartending from 430 to 1030. Mere met me at my bar and we went to a pub for drinks. We had a few Guinness and then I realized after eating an entire basket of stale pretzels that I really did not eat enough food and I had to eat or I might die. So in perfect Mere and Jodi fashion we walked from 42 and Vanderbilt all the way up to 60th and 2nd Ave. I was so hungry when I got there I could barely think. I had a bacon cheeseburger- yep, sure sign that I might be a little tipsy and starving, I eat the worst thing I can think of and finish every last fry. And to any who might be worrying I took a taxi home and then ran from the taxi into my apartment.
Food List for Friday
1. Latte
2. Cup of Coffee with just milk
3. Sausage, Egg and cheese on a whole wheat bagel
4. Apple
5. Peanut M&M's (I bought them on the train a few days before from the cutest little boy- thank God I found them in my bag as I ran across town!)
6. Blue Machine Naked juice- Yum
7. A tiny piece of pizza from my bar- we give free pizza to bar customers (and hungry bartenders!)
8. Fruit Tart
9. 3 Guinness
10. Basket of stale pretzels (I did share with Mere and Rebecca!)
11. Bacon Cheeseburger and fries!
I'm thinking about detoxing!

UM...

2008-08-01T00:41:00.002-04:00

It's August, in case you weren't aware. Where does time go? And why does it seem to move so much more quickly in warm weather? If you're in NYC or the surrounding area for the rest of the summer check out Time Out New York's "25 outdoor things to do before summer ends."
And even if you're not here, modify the fabulous ideas and get out there and enjoy the rest of the summer! I am hoping that I can work out the hot air balloon ride, boating in Central Park, Yoga outside (there is also Tai Chi in Bryant Park in the mornings that I want to try) and the rafting down the Delaware. Those sound like the most fun to me!

Ten On Tuesday

2008-07-29T23:58:00.008-04:00

1. I got this post started just two minutes before midnight! Hurray for Ten on Tuesday!
2. I did a pretty good job not caring today. I think that the fact that I stood up for myself last night worked in my favor today- no stress and no worries!
3. I realized that it was pretty easy to tell myself not to worry about all the stuff I can't change, but when people are involved that I feel are being taken advantage of, I really do want to care. I just have to realize that other people have to learn to ask for what is right in their lives and that I don't have to do it for them. They'll figure it out eventually.
4. Christine (a girl that I work with) and her father Frank took us to the rooftop of the MetLife building today. Just as an FYI it is not a public building like the Empire State or the Chrysler building. It was open to the sky and the view was spectacular! It was an amazing treat!

5. Luiza's new tattoo and the Chrysler building!

6. The Empire State building. It was so close, we could see the flashes from people's camera's.

7. This short, stout building is the United Nations with the East River and Queens in the background!

8. The majestic Chrysler Building.

9. Me in front of the Chrysler building. Of course I had to get one self portrait in there. (For the record, it was bright and I had forgotten my sunglasses and I had just finished my first shift of the day- I look a mess, I know!)

10. And this is 100 Park Avenue. I kind of love that the number is all the way at the top of the building!

I Care Too Much

2008-07-28T23:57:00.003-04:00

I know I haven't spoken much about my new job- I don't particularly like it. Ok, why dance around it? I really don't care for this job. I'm waiting tables at a restaurant that is closed on the weekend. That's what I like- the weekends free to feel like a somewhat normal human being (and spend time with OB). But, I don't think there will ever be a waiting job that I love- it's not who I am. I am an actress that finds herself waiting tables at the moment (this very long moment). The unfortunate thing is that I care too much about all the bullS&^t that happens. Caring about it is a waste of my time and I am well aware of the amount of time it consumes my thoughts and generally pisses me off. The real problem is that I'm a fixer and a perfectionist- there is a problem, I see a clear cut solution and when those around me don't see it or add to the problem I get frustrated. I need to remind myself that not everyone thinks like I do, it is not my responsibility to make everything alright, and I am paid way too little money an hour ($4.75, plus tips, of course) to care as much as I do. So, I am on a quest to go to work for the rest of the week and only do my job to the best of my ability and let all the other stuff go- I will not join in the complaining and I WILL NOT tell my friends at work what could or should be done to make things better. I hope this works. To be continued...

Been Away...

2008-07-23T23:32:00.002-04:00

Sorry I have abandoned blogging once again. It is never on purpose (oh, except for that one time...) it just happens that life gets in the way. I will be back, just not yet. I don't feel particularly witty or interesting at the moment, so I'll be back when I do feel that way. Until then watch this episode of the Daily Show with Jon Stewart. The first two segments deal with the the terror watch list and the drama over the New Yorker cover. It made me laugh so hard my belly hurt. And who doesn't need to laugh?!

Ten on Tuesday

2008-07-15T00:36:00.010-04:00

1. I spent the weekend in Baltimore for Charissa's birthday! We had a great time, drank a little too much, and ate a ton of fabulous bad for you food. It was so fun! (Enjoy the pics!)
2. This is Charissa and I playing Police 911, which was Charissa's favorite game at D ave and Buster's. I have to say, my hair looks pretty cool in the action shot Rissa took of me!
3.I started this post Tuesday morning at around 12:45AM, and I had only written number one by Wednesday night at 11:39PM. I am not doing a good job staying on top of my blog.
4. Remember those Rollerblades I bought last week with my stimulus check? Well, I crashed today. It will probably take me at least an hour to finish this post because I'm typing one-handed, while I hold ice to my bruised and swollen knee (mom, don't worry, it sounds worse than it is).
5. Note to self: Rollerblades should never be used as a mode of transportation unless you live in the plains where hills/ downgrades don't exist at all. Or if there was a way to only skate up hills and not down...
6. So, as I was running late to my voice lesson and Doug lives just two miles away and it usually takes forever to get there using public transportation, I determined skating there was my best and most fun option. I put on my skates and crossed Northern Blvd. As I headed down the street a man in a second story apartment shouted out, "Nice!" I thought, "Yep, I'm hot shit." Second note to self: when gravity could be a factor, never get cocky! A guy passes me on a bike going the other direction and it's at this moment that I realize a huge hill looms before me. As I head down and pick up way too much speed, I decide to begin skating side to side, while using my brake (useless at such speeds) to slow down. It's about halfway down the hill that a slight panic begins to set in. This is no bike and hike trail (long story, but it involves me, Craig, Rollerblades and a separated shoulder- not mine!) this is a flippin' street in Queens, NYC. What in the bloody hell was I thinking? I'm not into extreme sports, but I realize that the only thing I can do is stop by running into something that hopefully doesn't have its own inertia. I scoped out an already banged up vehicle and head straight for it (let's be honest, I was already headed straight for it!) As I approached I grabbed for the side view mirror so as to not slam into the side. I flipped over and landed on my left knee and my left elbow. Remember the cyclist I passed on the street? He heard me crash, stopped and asked if I was OK (That was so nice of him). I was fine. I scooped myself and my dignity from the road and decided at the corner that I would be walking the rest of the way!
7. I can't decide if this new job is worth it. The bonus is every weekend free- it's a restaurant in an office building that closes for all banking holidays and weekends. And that's where the bonuses end. I won't go into it here, but I have never worked at a place so disorganized.
8. I've met some cool people, though, patrons and co-workers.
9. By the way, it is now Thursday morning at 12:33. I have officially been at this post for two days- oops!
10. My cabaret seems to be coming along well (I just needed to get out of my own way!). I know I haven't talked about it much, but I have decided that it is going to be my birthday gift to myself. So, mark your calendars for the week of November 18th. You're coming to NYC to see me sing for my birthday! And that means ALL OF YOU!!!!

How I Stimulated the Economy (and failed) by Jodi Beck

2008-07-08T23:50:00.004-04:00

I received my letter from the government last Monday (in case you don't know, delivery of the stimulus checks was based on the last two digits of your social security number) telling me my check would be mailed to me by July 5. For some reason I was not eligible for the entire 600. They docked me $47. "That's okay," I thought, and I proceeded to spend the week dreaming about what I was going to do with this treasure that had befallen me. I first thought that I should put it in the bank and pay down some of my debt, but it was the week of our country's independence and I was reminded of my duty to country. This was called a Stimulus check, for Pete's sake, and I would go out and stimulate! I felt an odd sense of pride on Saturday as I spent the money I had not actually received (it didn't end up in my mailbox until today). I bought a duvet cover, sheets, lunch for OB and me, Rollerblades (I've had the same pair for at least 10 years), and a manicure and pedicure. I stopped at this point because I got nervous that the check might get misplaced in the mail and as per the letter I'd received, I wouldn't be able to call the government to ask about it until six weeks had passed. But that gave me some needed time to reflect on the money, and I've decided it's going in the bank. It may seem patriotic to spend the stimulus check, but I want to have some money in the bank when the Chinese come knocking to have our debt repaid. I thank them so much for the joy of new (and cheap) things (yes my Rollerblades were made in China), but it's America that I live in and America's birth I celebrated on Friday. Spending money that should be saved has become the American way, but it's the least patriotic thing we can do. Saving it helps us all become a tiny bit freer of the tangled web of debt that we have created and the Chinese buy up like it was land in Manhattan. They will want it back at some point and you have to believe it will probably happen at the least convenient time. So, that is how I tried to stimulate the economy and failed. How did you do?

Calling All Readers!! *****(Amended)

2008-06-27T23:38:00.004-04:00

Calling all readers of this blog (and in particular, those that know me) to give me suggestions for songs to sing at my Cabaret. I know, I know, I've been talking about doing this thing for so long you probably think it isn't ever going to happen, but it is. I started rehearsing with my friend Doug two weeks ago. I need material. It is so difficult to decide what to sing and I realized how daunting a task putting together an hour of music is. So, please, Please, PLEASE give me any suggestions no matter how silly or unlike me the songs might be. I don't mind learning new songs (they do not have to be musical theatre songs), in fact two of my favorite songs are two that I learned in the last few weeks! Also, if there is something that you remember me singing that you'd like to hear again, remind me of it. I have most likely forgotten it! And most importantly, if there is a song that you think I might do well- let me know!!! There of course is the added bonus of hearing me sing it in public if I choose it and you come to see me (which of course, you most definately willl!) And thanks in advance. ***** Doug also plays guitar and he's attempting to teach me (I have claws for hands!). We really want some songs that are accompanied by guitar, so any suggestions for that would be great too!

Congratulations Tasha and Scott!

2008-06-26T00:02:00.008-04:00

The Bride and Groom!

Tasha at the salon- all ready to go!

Tiffany (Maid of Honor) at the salon- she needs a little help!

Uncle Tim, Stacy (Maid of Honor), Tasha, and Aunt Carol

Enjoying a drink!

Me and my Mom dancing the night away.

Her hair turned out just fine!

Sandy (Matron of Honor) tearing it up on the dance floor.

Odelle dancing with the Bride!

Me and Tasha!

Tasha's Wedding!

2008-06-20T00:45:00.002-04:00

My cousin Tasha is getting married on Saturday! I will have new blog posts and pictures when I get back on Monday!!!

You know you're tired when...

2008-06-13T00:42:00.002-04:00

1. You use a fork to eat your yogurt because the idea of standing in front of the sink to wash the dishes makes your back hurt even more than it already does.
2. The beer you put in the freezer when you got home (because the Bodega you stopped at doesn't understand that a refrigerator is intended to keep things cold) froze all the way through because you couldn't get your ass up from the computer chair. Sitting for the first time all day is such a beautiful thing.
3. When filling out an online form you cannot remember your current zip code and you swear you still live in Manhattan even though you haven't lived there for two years (have to admit, this one happened after drinking the frozen beer, so I'm not sure it's completely fatigue's fault).
And finally...
4. You irrationally decide to write out a list of the reasons why you are tired instead of just going to bed.

Do you buy plastic water bottles?

2008-06-10T00:21:00.001-04:00

Yes, I am going to proselytize for a moment. Forgive me, but are you one of the many Americans that drinks bottled water? Do you buy it in the new "Eco friendly" plastic bottles so cleverly (and uber-annoyingly) created by Poland Spring? They are NOT Eco-friendly. There is nothing Eco friendly about water that comes in plastic bottles. The reason I am bringing this up is today I watched a woman change the trash on the train platform and three empty "Eco friendly" bottles of Poland Spring crashed to the floor as she pulled the bag from the trash can. Plastic that is not recycled is NOT at all Eco-friendly. Just because they say it is 100% recyclable does not make you, the consumer, actually recycle it. Recyclable is not the same as biodegradable, folks! If it ends up in the trash it will possibly take hundreds of years to biodegrade. Look at the interesting statistics here if I haven't made you feel horrible enough for buying plastic water bottles and then throwing them in the trash. Poland Spring touts this bottle as Eco-friendly because it is made with 30% less plastic. Basically that makes the bottle lighter and therefore cheaper for them to ship- its true positive impact on the world is negligible, but it's monetary benefit to the company is huge (not to mention the fact that they somehow convinced us all it's okay to pay for drinking water). And one final point: We live in a country where tap water is good and plentiful. Why are you wasting your money on bottled water when it comes to your house for free or for a relatively low cost? Buy a water filter, attach it to your sink, put $1-$2 in a cookie jar every time you get a glass of water and watch the savings grow (by the way- reuse the same water glass all day!). And on top of that for those times that you are traveling, walking, or otherwise out of the house and jonesing for some H2O, go to www.mysigg.com and buy yourself a cool aluminum water bottle (Check out the benefits of non plastic here). Okay, now that that's out- I feel better!

Ten on Tuesdays

2008-06-03T01:15:00.002-04:00

1. It was such a beautiful weekend. It has rained so much this spring that everything is that deep color of green and the flowers all have their deepest colors out for us to see.
2. I understand the premise of Do It Yourself checkouts at grocery stores and Home Depots and the rest, but it really is not very practical and it makes me laugh to watch inexperienced people try to look for the UPC bar codes. Not to mention that when you move the wrong way the computer starts shouting at you that you have an unauthorized product in the bag. It really isn't faster unless no one is in the line ahead of you and it makes otherwise intelligent people into seemingly incompetent fools.
3. Why do we think that everything can be made simpler with technology?
4. I watched Pretty Woman with OB last night because we happened upon it while channel surfing. God, I love that movie. When I was in high school, my mom bought it on VHS and Erin and I would watch it over and over until we had it memorized. We even watched it once through so we could count the number of times that Julia Roberts makes a certain face. She purses her lips as though she is either about to kiss someone or to show you that she has big, pouty lips (I'm not sure which one), but she does it throughout the movie. I think it is a character choice that Julia made. Vivian does it when she wants to make a point or when she wants to come across as sexy.
5. Haven't we all wanted a man to come to our tower, draw his sword, and then climb to rescue us?
6. I love her response to his question. When he finally makes it up the fire escape to her he asks, "And what happens when he finally makes it to the tower to rescue her?" And Vivian answers, "She rescues him right back." Why do I love this so much? Because the stranded princess in the tower isn't hopeless and powerless, she is capable of giving the prince all that he needs as well. Brilliant- a fairy tale with a feminist side!
7. I need to start going to the gym every day- I had been doing it for a while, but I have surely gotten out of the habit.
8. I need to do some spring cleaning before spring is over.
9. My brother-in-law, Rob, is a firefighter. He went to a fire in Kent, Ohio and his pictures and the story are on the website Firehouse.com.
10. Our family was celebrating my dad's 71st birthday there the Saturday night before the restaurant caught fire.

Favorite Thing

2008-05-30T01:06:00.002-04:00

My favorite thing about any new job or whenever you meet new people and start to spend a lot of time with them is when they finally ask you how old you are. I just recently started having people guess because it's more fun than just saying it. And I am lucky, I am usually taken for a lot younger than I am. Thank God for moisturizer and sunscreen I suppose! Well, the average guess is about 23. I am actually shocked at how low that is. I hope that when I am 40 I am still averaging a 7 year lead without surgery. I'm not afraid of getting old, in fact, I often look forward to it. I do not plan on cosmetic surgery (does getting rid of spider veins count??), but I do plan on aging gracefully.

Figuring It Out- Anniversary Edition

2008-05-22T07:46:00.002-04:00

Happy Blogging Anniversary to me...

I love birthdays and anniversaries and just about any reason to celebrate the joys of life, but I have not been very keen on this one. I set out a year ago to "figure it out" and I haven't. I guess I knew then that I wouldn't have it figured out and that's why I called my blog "Figuring it out." I must congratulate myself on my foresight. So, here we come to what I have figured and what I still have to figure.

Lately, it has been difficult for me to write how I am feeling and what I am thinking. Hence, the reason why my anniversary blog is a week late. I am generally a positive, optimistic person and I don't feel that way at the moment. It will pass, but as I am going through a rough time at the exact moment that I am calling myself to reflect on a year gone by I know that I will be far too hard on myself. I chose a tough path for myself, but it is becoming clearer to me exactly how tough it truly is. OK, I need to stop talking about this, because it's turning into a pity party for myself and we all deserve better writing than that!

I see life as a collection of perceptions. The only thing that has the potential to be truly known and not perceived is the self. And that, of course, is only true if you take the time to know your own mind. I know it sounds like an ego trip, but I think it's true. All that you think you know of others and situations is only a perception. You could never be granted the access into others' minds that you have with your own. The beauty of life is that the relationships that we cultivate tend to bring us to a closer understanding of ourselves and one another. We just have to open our hearts.

Repeated rejection hurts. It has the ability to crack the hardest of us and weaken our resolve. When I meet for lunch with friends of mine (who are usually in the business) it is a common refrain of mine to end with a hug and "we need to take care of each other." I truly believe it's the only way to defeat the hurt. We all should spend a little more time lifting each other up rather than pointing out flaws. It's something I have to remind myself of when I am feeling low. You can dwell on the negative and get nowhere or live in the positive and move forward. (In case you hadn't realized I am writing this as a mantra to myself, but you can use it if it helps!) I know it's cliche, but the Golden Rule really does apply. Treat others as you wish to be treated.

In case you didn't know Albert Einstein, Benjamin Franklin, and Mark Twain were geniuses. In perfect Internet fashion all were attributed with the following quote. "Insanity- doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result." Probably, none of them said it, but it always does bolster your point when you can attribute your thoughts to a genius. I feel a bit crazy lately and I will tell you that it comes directly from almost two years of approaching my career in the same way, not getting what I want and continuing the same process hoping that something will change. Only I can change. Change is hard for me. I sit on the fence far more often than I even like to admit to myself.

I erased my Sitemeter on this blog. I realized that tracking my hits was as crazy as following people on MySpace. It is better for us all that it's gone. So, basically, I'm asking that if you visit, leave a comment, even if it's to say hi, or remain anonymous. It's your choice.

I enjoy observing and learning from people. I guess that's what makes me a good actress. Life is a journey that we only have once. I hope to make the most of it, even with its bumps and bruises it is still a fascinating ride. I hope that in the coming year I will find more stories from my life in NYC to share with you as I continue "figuring it out."

Taking a Break

2008-05-08T23:55:00.002-04:00

I am going to take a break from my blog. Probably just a week and I'll be back in enough time to post my first anniversary edition of "Figuring It Out," where I am sure to extol the virtues of a great title. Had I named this blog "Give Me A Year, I'll Figure it Out" I would be kicking myself for the fact that a year has gone by and I feel like I have less figured out than I did last year at this time. Using the present progressive tense of the word 'figure' has helped me immensely as I can continually be figuring. So rest assured the next week will be filled with an immense amount of figuring, just not for you to witness...

A Poem

2008-05-07T15:24:00.003-04:00

I took a walk today
To clear my head
Of the muddled thoughts inside
The sun warmed my face
The air purified my heart
The wind swept away my doubts
I am whole
I am me.

Ten on Tuesdays

2008-05-06T23:57:00.000-04:00

1. I'm not a church person. I once was, but I like going to church in my head rather than as a social event. Not to mention, I'm not sure that my beliefs necessarily jive (yes, I said jive!) with most organized religions. As a New Yorker I have only attended church twice. I attempted to go once for Christmas Eve, but that didn't turn out as I planned. (Read more about that here.)
2. I felt a longing to be in a church today- so this afternoon I headed over to St Pat's on Fifth Ave to be with myself for a time before heading to work.
3. St Pat's is not exactly the most private choice for a church on a sunny Tuesday afternoon, but the wonderful thing is that because of tourists (wearing noisy shoes that flip-flop on the marble floors and taking an extaordinary amount of pictures) it is always available.
4. I was able to clear my head. It's been a tough few weeks (and days) and my mind has been craving a stimulation and a calming greater than I alone could provide.
5. What I love about the feeling of a church is that you know you aren't alone. And I don't mean that as I felt the presence of God (which I have in the past- that was not my truth today, however), but more that people come to church to BELIEVE in something beyond the self. That is what makes me feel good- that I take the time to pray or meditate and find within myself the keys to being better.
6. I really walked into that church wanting someone to tell me everything will work out, but the amazing thing is, the only person there who could convince me of that was me. It will work out because it has to.
7. I love meditation and I need to start doing it more often.
8. That calm place that you go to when meditating would be easier to find on a daily basis if I practiced more often.
9. I have these meditation CDs that I am going to sit with tomorrow.
10. Dad update- Thank you for all your well wishes! He has moved to the rehabilitation center yesterday where he will be for the next 6-8 weeks. I haven't spoken with him since Saturday (work and life got in the way) so I plan on talking with him tomorrow.

If you ever need encouragement...

2008-05-05T01:40:00.002-04:00

My dad has been fighting an antibiotic resistant strain of an infection for over a year. It basically created a hole in his leg and has been the main reason he has moved in and out of the nursing home the last year. The doctors have been worried that the infection would end up in his bone and then be harder to treat. Well, last Friday his leg (from just below the knee) was amputated. I was working and unable to go home which is a regret but when I spoke with him on Saturday he was in amazingly good spirits. Guess I have no room to complain- and the glass is always half full. He reminded me of that.

Happy Birthday Mom!

2008-04-30T23:43:00.001-04:00

I have the greatest mom! Check the link to read my previous post about her. It was a series called 30 days to 30. Before I turned thirty I wrote about something in my life for each year I have been alive. I could have written something about my mom for each year- she's that special of a lady. And today is her birthday! I love you mom and I can't wait for your visit in a few weeks. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

Ten on Tuesdays

2008-04-29T23:55:00.009-04:00

1. I've been disappointed as of late in both my life and the political world unfolding around us. It has been hard to frame my thoughts without being to harsh on myself and others, so I refrained for awhile. Ten on Tuesday gives me a chance to point to those things without getting too emotional about them.
2. I am frustrated with my career. It's hard for me to admit that.
3. I feel like the game is happening on another field and I am a spectator and not a player.
4. It's not as easy as asking the coach to join the team. He demands to see me play first. The only problem is no one is willing to play with me because the coach won't vouch for me.
5. I am similarly frustrated with this absolutely asinine election where we define people by their associations (her husband/his pastor) without getting the whole story.
6. I want us to be better. Why not watch the whole sermon from beginning to end? Why not watch the entire National Press Club speech and questions from beginning to end? Why not watch the Bill Moyers interview with Jeremiah Wright from beginning to end? It is not the time to allow others to draw conclusions, state them as fact and then as a people blindly accept those conclusions as our own. We need to think for ourselves.
7. I am not asking that everyone agree with the statements made by Jeremiah Wright (I certainly don't agree with all of them), but if you watch all three of the previously mentioned videos, you may find yourself nodding in agreement from time to time. You may also find that you are offended, but at least it is you that is offended and not someone telling you you should be.
8. I know that Barack Obama came out again and denounced Jeremiah Wright's statements on Monday, but I don't think even he watched the entire thing. He said "he heard that Wright had given "a performance" and when he watched news accounts, he realized that it [was] more than just a case of the former pastor defending himself." (AP) I think it is sad that Obama clearly didn't watch the entire thing before commenting. For all the theatrics in the Reverend's statements there was a lot of value in his opening argument (what I heard and came away with from that portion was of a Black church focused on "liberation, transformation, and reconciliation." Nothing wrong with that. It was later during a string of questions and answers where we got the stranger side. Of course the media edited the material down to soundbites for the newscasts- that's how this whole thing began. And when you watch the entire thing you'll notice the first person to roll their eyes is the woman asking the questions.
9. I think I saw Cornel West in the audience at the National Press Club.
10. In my college philosophy class we read Cornel West's Race Matters. If you haven't read it, I highly recommend it.

Obviously...

2008-04-26T02:56:00.001-04:00

Not motivated to write. Not motivated to use complete sentences. More later.