The Breakfast Club | portland, maine

the farmer's table

2009-08-29T18:26:00.003-04:00

dining date: 08.22.09

eatery: the farmer’s table on the corner of commercial street and dana street
pricing category: definitely not cheap – probably one of the more expensive brunches you’ll find in portland
guest critic: just the three of us
overall grade: C+

the lowdown:
- the farmer’s table is “the new mim’s.” although, we hesitate to call it that, since we never actually ate at mim’s…or any of the other restaurants that have been in that location for that matter. and there have been quite a lot of them in the past several years. in fact, the lore around these parts is that that location is actually cursed for restaurants…

- if you live in portland, be ready to suddenly feel like you’re a visitor in your own town, as this restaurant is smack in the middle of tourist central.

- being the savory-leaning brunchers that we are, the thing we loved most about this place is that there was not a single sweet breakfast item on the menu. no pancakes, no french toast, nada. we approve of this decision.

- we all appreciated the variety of local meats on the menu, and thought it was very nice that they mentioned all of the farms by name in the food item descriptions.

- pretty great people-watching opportunities from either of the two street-side outdoor patios. the plethora of table umbrellas was also greatly appreciated on this blazing hot and humid august day.

- we’re sad to say that our service was not quite what it should have been. while our waitress didn’t drop the “f-bomb” all over us (like our pal over at the frog and turtle), she barely spoke to us, was fairly unfriendly, never once asked how our meal was, and generally made us feel like she was doing us a favor by waiting on us. overall, none of those are good attributes for a server at a restaurant where you could easily drop at least $20 apiece for eggs and coffee.

- they do have a full bar in the restaurant…although none of us tried a bloody mary or mimosa.

the food

the benny girl
- the eggs benedict with smoked salmon, tomatoes, red onions and hollandaise, homies and tea
- grade: C+

"as a “born and raised” local portlander, i generally try to avoid commercial street like the plague in the summer – it’s just a little too crowded for my taste. but since having brunch on a saturday greatly limits your restaurant options, we decided to brave the tourists and give the farmer’s table a whirl. we did go adorned in disguises, however, in case any die hard becky’s fans from down the street happened to recognize us. so, my old roommate once said that oppressive heat and humidity is like walking around inside of someone’s mouth. gross, yes…but also a totally accurate description. well, the day that we ate at the farmer’s table was just that kind of day. and at first, i thought that maybe my experience at the farmer’s table was being tainted and skewed by the fact that hot and humid days make me very crabby and turn my brain into mush. but no – when it struck me that i was actually looking forward to leaving the restaurant and venturing back out into the sticky city air, i quickly realized that the fact that i loathe humidity had little bearing on my not-so-great mood while dining…the farmer’s table can take full credit for the crappiness of my experience. as we mentioned in the above low-down, our service was so sub-par that we didn’t tip 20% or more for the very first time since the inception of The Breakfast Club. (trust us, the 18% tip that we left instead is making quite a statement in our minds!) i don’t need to go into detail about our server – you probably get the gist from the above description, right? we tried to give her the benefit of the doubt at the beginning and chalk it up to either being very tired, very hot, or very hungover…but i”m sorry – no amount of fatigue, disdain for heat and humidity, or booze the night before is an adequate justification for basically throwing a customer’s plate at them or forcing your patrons to telepathically speculate the meaning of your non-verbal communication! and you know, i would’ve let some of that slide if the food had actually made up for the poor service. when you look at the menu, you assume that the prices (benedicts ranging from $12 - $14, “the usual” breakfast is $9) are directly proportionate to the quality and taste of the food, right? well, about two bites in, i realized that the prices were actually directly proportionate to the cost of rent for that location. i got the distinct impression that the price i was paying for eggs had more to do with my scenic view of the harbor than with a creative and tantalizing taste for my palette. there were two pluses about the dish: the english muffin was tasty and grilled nicely, and the smoked salmon was delicious. but that’s it. the hollandaise was so sparse that i couldn’t even taste it, the homefries tasted like mcdonald’s french fries (sans grease), and the worst part was that i was basically served two hard-boiled eggs on top of muffins. the yolk was completely solid. even my “over-hard” compadre acknowledged that poached eggs are not supposed to be like that. over-cooking a poached egg is a sure-fire way to ruin a benedict…and a bad benedict makes me very grumpy – particularly one that i’m spending $14 on. grr. the tea presentation was alright – the mini spoon that came with the honey was actually the highlight of my meal. sad, no? overall, my experience at the farmer’s table was highly disappointing. people who come to portland for the first time may be blinded by the great scenery on the picturesque commercial street and be more accepting of a barely mediocre brunch, but if this restaurant wants to make it through the winter with us mainers, they really need to step it up…a lot."

the usual

- brie, mushroom and pepper omelet with toast and homefries, coffee

- grade: B-

“world's smallest omelet. let me just start right there. i know that these days people are counting their pennies and wondering why they never registered those rusty pickups in their front yards in anticipation of cashing those clunkers in for the big bucks, but this was one doggone tiny omelet. i realize that the price of eggs has gone up, and i guess there's a slim chance that the chickens are shrinking, but for a nine dollar meal, crack a few eggs. my fillings were fine, (though i always feel that cheese selection shouldn't really count as one of your omelet fillings), the mushrooms and brie were both delicious. the coffee was terrible, and my mug yawned emptily as the minutes ticked by between refills. the toast was reasonable, well toasted and moderately buttered. my homefries needed to be dowsed in salt, pepper and ketchup to even remember what they stood for. dry chunks that looked like they'd been lazing about under a heat lamp all morning, sweating out whatever makes potatoes delicious. a sorry state of affairs, especially considering the price tag. i probably should have ordered a bloody mary. regardless of the lovely waterfront views and the architecturally interesting building, these prices are rampant. and you already know all about our server, who i felt a bit sorry for initially, but got over it when she begrudgingly dropped off our food and abandoned us for the rest of the meal. i suppose everyone has off days. and finally, the name 'the farmer's table' conjures up images of a bountiful harvest, of careful selection of ingredients, of support for the local guys sweating it out day after day to bring us delicious meat, eggs and produce. i saw none of that while brunching at this restaurant, save the couple of local cheeses given shout-outs on the menu. it's summer in maine by golly, by and large the easiest time to bolster menus with piles local veggies and to remind eaters of where that food comes from. i realize that this may just be an assumption on my part: i know that many restaurants in maine operate in much the same way, and that i don't give them the crap i'm giving this one. i guess i just mistakenly thought the name meant that the restaurant was serving food from a farm, not from a box shipped in from peru. i would love to see this restaurant pull through and succeed, though only if they step up the food to match the prices. even i, orderer of the cheapest menu option of all time, don't mind splurging on something truly lovely from time to time. just not on dry taters and mini-omelets. wee-ow.”

wild toast

- coffee, omelet with tomato, brie, and mushrooms, rye toast, homefries

-grade:C+

“… zucchini, cucumbers, pattypans, oh my! beets, onions, leeks, oh hi! … asparagus, oh no! you’ve gone by! truly, a wonderful time of year we have. so many options, so much to work with. the sun was shining, the umbrella just right, the salt from the ocean mingling with out-of-stater’s old spice and the aftermath of their friday night. and then upon perusal there seemed to be a shocking revelation…this farmer’s table was a table set in either canada or queensland, peru or sysco's shoe. how and why? where the!? what is asparagus doing on my menu!? this is august. yes asparagus is still growing but it is a veritable jungle of ferns and froth. a massive fortress of 6 foot tall exploded foliage….not something easily tucked into an omelet. (especially an omelet from this joint….read on) so i ordered an omelet (ok, so you didn’t have to read on that far), which included tomatoes (in season, but badly hurting due to the crazy rain which you all know about and the blight that decimated 90% of the crops around here), mushrooms (which were very good) and brie (locally made). along with this came homefries and toast (i opted rye….obviously) and what else did i order? come on loyal fans, i know you know what you know i know which I know you know and that is that i ordered coffee. my daily choice (I know coffee isn’t a local option, but I am reasonable and can make some exceptions) was presented. unfortunately, as “The Usual” agreed, the coffee was on the terrible side. next came our meals. let me just touch upon this little itty bitty thing…i’m sure our server is a very nice person, pays her parking tickets before she gets the boot, possibly was a winner of a “teen who cares” award, uses a nice conditioning product, calmly listens to each side of an argument before coming to a decision, wears flip-flops in all showers, not just the local Y, drives a tofu-combustible compact, ….what i’m trying to say is i’d like to give her the benefit of the doubt. but she did go something like this “hhuurrrumph(ff)” when she went to set down some food. that was a little unfortunate. the other unfortunate thing is this: i live here in maine, i've felt the tough economy, i've been aware of the fact that my dollar isn't going quite as far as it used to, and this was illustrated in my omelet. yes loyal fans, my omelet. are the chickens toughing out the slow economy too? did their eggs get smaller due to the whisperings of an economic downturn and the dirty “r” word? or is the farmer's table in cahoots with a pullet farm? whatever the explanation, my omelet was under...weight? malnourished? or did I hear someone say “one low self-esteem omelet coming right up!” “wild, whacky new craze sweeps through the old port, have you tried the mini-omelet?” “you should of bought it when you saw it at the farmer's table (only if you bring an extra egg to slip onto your plate when the server isn't looking)”, “if I had a nickel for every time a penny was tossed into the ocean i'd have a enough money to buy a breakfast at the farmer's table.” “hello, do you like my hat? no I do not, goodbye, goodbye.” (ok, that's a line from a great children's book called go dog go by P.D. Eastman) back to breakfast. my homies tasted like old french fries. not like they were actually made from real potatoes from real farmers from real farms on a country road near you. but rather, from a frozen bag from sysco. my toast was uninspired but fine. my omelet, what little there was, was pretty good. light on the brie, and gone before you know it. (kinda like the server who was not really to be seen.) so this is my advice: become a venue for local food from farmers in the area. serve local bread from down the street. get better coffee. keep the location and the prices but make it worth the prices you are charging. the farmer's table, you are young. resilient. “babies bounce” is a phrase i like to say (i do not advocate this and certainly do not recommend you try it). you could be so good. and you owe it to yourself and the city of portland to be outstanding and inspiring.”

miss portland diner

2009-07-27T09:43:00.002-04:00

dining date: 07.26.09

eatery: miss portland diner on marginal way
pricing category: not exactly rock bottom diner pricing, but not too expensive. pretty pricey for sides of swine [flu], however…
guest critic: it was just the three of us for this epic comeback reunion
overall grade: B

the lowdown:
- for those of you who don’t know, the miss portland diner was a fixture in this city for many years…before it was most likely condemned for being a filthy, disease-infested, run-down health hazard. luckily, a man came along and bought the historic train car a couple of years ago and restored it. now, the people of portland can once again eat in the really cool train car that once starred in that 1993 mel gibson movie. thank god.

- we would recommend waiting (if necessary) for a table in the train car – way more atmosphere than the addition that was built, which is reminiscent of a hospital cafeteria. okay, slight exaggeration…it wasn’t nearly as hospital-like as becky’s, but it was rather sterile. and there’s a big plasma TV in there, which we think is quite unnecessary for a diner.

- the booths are definitely good for your posture…read: slightly erect and uncomfortable (that’s what she said).

- the two coffee drinkers amongst us concur that the brew was quite exceptional for a diner.

- we liked that there were a couple of mini boxes of cinnamon toast crunch and lucky charms on display. benny girl definitely contemplated ordering one as an appetizer.

- the service was really good – friendly and attentive. and our waitress even got a little sassy with us and made a joke about us taking too long to order. we liked that…especially since she didn’t throw the “f bomb” at us in the process.

- you can watch people run on the treadmill across the street while you stuff your face with hollandaise and homies. if you’re feeling a little skinnily-challenged after breakfast, you can either jaunt across the street to the gym or do sprints in the large parking lot (like wild toast did).

- the bloody marys left a lot to be desired…since sadly, there weren’t any on the menu.

the food

the benny girl
- the traditional eggs benedict (there were FOUR benedicts on the menu – unheard of for a diner!), homies and tea
- grade: B

"first of all, i’d like to start by saying that i’m so happy to be back! you all may think that we just abandoned our responsibilities of being the truth-telling brunch critics that we are. but that is FALSE. i, unlike my two TBC partners, haven’t abandoned anything. not a day went by that i didn’t think about the The Breakfast Club and shed a tear of longing for our leisurely and snarky sunday tradition. waking up this morning and heading out to meet my two TBC compadres once again made me feel like all was right with the world finally. and it seemed that gracing the miss portland diner with our omni-presence would be the most fitting way to re-enter the scene. i’ve wanted to try the new miss portland diner ever since i first heard that it was re-opening…but i dutifully waited for the TBC reunion and never set foot in the renovated train car until the usual and wild toast returned from their escapades in other lands. being the only portland native in The Breakfast Club, i’m also the only one of us that had ever eaten at the original miss portland diner. knowing that the entire diner used to be just the train car, i’m not totally sure how i feel about the addition that they tacked on for more seating. i suppose i understand their reasons for doing so, but it doesn’t feel totally authentic and the atmosphere of the addition doesn’t really match up with the feel of the train car. i wasn’t sure what to expect when our friendly hostess led us into the train car, since the last time i’d been in there years ago, it was quite possibly the dirtiest restaurant i’d ever eaten in. however, i was pleasantly surprised to see that the train car was very clean while still looking historic and unchanged. nice authenticity. and getting a view of people on treadmills who are unknowingly being watched while they run is pretty cool too. alright, i suppose i should actually start talking about the food. let me start by saying that the reason that i was most excited to have the miss portland diner as our big comeback review was because i expected it to be horrible. i hadn’t heard the greatest of feedback from people i know who have gone there, so i was excited…since we all know that the worst breakfasts yield the best reviews. however, it really wasn’t that bad. seriously. i wouldn’t say that it was the best breakfast i’ve ever eaten, but it certainly was no becky’s. it was good solid diner food. first off, i was extremely surprised (actually shocked) that there was not just one, but FOUR benedicts on the menu. seriously, when has that ever happened at a diner?! the irish benedict scared me (a benny with corned beef hash made me dyspeptic to even think about) and the crab one was definitely out of the price range of what’s acceptable to spend on a diner breakfast, in my opinion. that left me choosing between the traditional benedict and the florentine with spinach and tomatoes. although i wasn’t really in the mood for canadian ham, i thought i should get the traditional benedict since it was my first review in over a year. (actually the real reason is because i was leaning towards the florentine but i really wanted meat and was unwilling to pay the $3.50 that they charge for a side of bacon). anyway, the food came rather quickly and i was happy to see a healthy portion of homies next to my hollandaise covered poachies. the homies were decent – nothing amazing, but good enough. they had good flavor, but could’ve been cooked more in my opinion. the benedict was pretty good – well poached eggs, perfectly grilled english muffins, ample serving of sauce – but there was definitely something off about the hollandaise. it was super salty – enough to conjure up memories of wild toast’s epic review of local 188 – and it was lacking that lemon essence that i love so much about a good hollandaise sauce. it was definitely better than any hollandaise that i’ve ever had a diner though…so bonus points there. wait – have i ever had hollandaise at a diner before? hmm. i will say that the first half of the benedict was better than the second though. when i cut into the second egg with my fork, i was disappointed (and slightly grossed out) to see the clear jiggly globules around the yolk that indicate an undercooked egg. no one likes an uncooked and runny egg white. big faux pas. i know that it can be hard to perfectly poach an egg, but it is rather crucial in a benedict to at least get the whites cooked. just because it’s swimming in hollandaise, doesn’t mean you can cover up and hide the globules. but again, while it was not the best benedict i’ve ever had, it was certainly well above diner benedict par. the “black tea” (not sure what kind) was fairly well presented. i was given a nice blue mug, a tea bag and water in a little metal creamer that was acting like a teapot, and a little plastic souffle cup of honey with a lid. slightly wasteful in the packaging of the honey, but cute and miniature nonetheless. our server was friendly, personable, attentive and quick with the refills of hot water and coffee for the others. all in all, it was a pretty decent experience. it wasn’t quite as epic as i had hoped our comeback review would be, but it’ll do. i will tell you what was epic though – seeing the ugliest shoes in the world later on at marden’s. breakfast with TBC, going to marden’s and taking all day to write a review – like i said, all’s right with the world again!"

the usual
- 2 eggs over-hard, wheat toast, homefries and coffee
- grade: B

"i guess The Breakfast Club has been dead in the water for a bit now, well, say a year or so. not because we are lazy, or because we suddenly got tired of eating food in the mornings. no, none of that. just other things to do. we actually don't get paid to do this, surprisingly... but anyway, heading off to breakfast with the team today was extremely normal despite the lapse in time. i guess the only thing out of the ordinary is that benny girl was waiting at the restaurant ahead of us. she was literally there at the exact time we agreed on, which i have to say has never happened before. so confusing, but very nice, i must applaud her. so, we headed inside and decided to wait it out for a table in the train. the addition is reasonably nice, but very run-of-the-mill and looks more like a blase country cafe than a diner. our table was ready shortly, and the very friendly hostess showed us in. our waitress was at the ready to provide the all-important coffee and tea respectively. i dug my yellow coffee mug, sort of an updated classic in the color of yolk. the train part of the diner is certainly the better section, charmingly old fashioned and classic, with bit of retro flair. as we waited for the food, our very friendly server graciously refilled our cups with the extremely decent coffee. i happen to absolutely love forthcoming coffee refills. they make my day. and have the potential to make or break a review. now if only someone would invent the bottomless bloody mary... anyway, the food arrived in reasonable time and looked pretty fantastic. a generous portion of homefries sidled along one side of the plate next to thick, wonderfully well-buttered toast and a pair of eggs. i'll start with the eggs, as they were the low point of the meal. they were a bit slick tasting, a bit oily rather than greasy and eerily soft and floppy. the homies were more than adequate, plenty of flavor, and nicely sized chunks. the toast was exceptional by diner standards. so i guess i just have to say, i'm not used to this kind of thing from a diner. in portland your diner options are pretty much the tasty, low budget, no-nonsense marcy's or the overpriced, surcharged, wildly popular becky's. i certainly know what my pick is. and now there's a new option in the mix, ready to rev up the competition a bit. while the majority of the prices at the MPD are not rock-bottom, they are certainly competitive with, ehem, other popular diners in town. i've heard of a number of people having negative experiences from this place, but perhaps they were still working out the kinks. i've been told breakfast was an a.m.-only affair for a bit, but it's now served all day, which is i have to say obligatory for a diner. i must say that this place was a pleasant surprise on a rainy sunday morning. so much so that i wasn't really able to make any snarky remarks in my review. the few i could make were aimed across town. oh well. i guess it's not such a terrible thing to have a tasty breakfast served by friendly people in an old train. it's just less fun to write about."

wild toast
-“the backbay breakfast” (2 eggs, rye toast, homies, bacon, french toast, the kitchen sink, coffee, hot sauce)
- grade: B

"there are so many things i wish to write. do i begin by telling you about how we went to marden's? no, that must be the creme brulee (burnt cream) of my review. today i write for you. i will remark on hunger. on a sesame street character. merchandising ideas....who knows. i, am wild toast. i will unveil my true colors. my odor. i am made of the stuff olympians and mathematicians can only dream of. i am the mystery of mosaics. the magician who pulls lincoln logs and old school pogs from my whimsical and biennially flat-plaid top-hat. i eat yolks like you for breakfast. (i think that could be a pretty sweet bumper sticker) (you can quote me) (and start a breakfast fund for your favorite review team) so....where was i? oh yeah, we decided to put food into our mouths this morning. we wanted to eat. a hunger ripped at us. "food!" we chanted. we bellowed. in unison. "foooooooood" put that bacon behind my ear! douse my thirst with liquid stuffs. "aaaagggggghhhqqqhgggghhhhh....... " (think of cookie monster). and now, i shall begin. it has been a long time, too long in fact since we gathered together and made our dear fans' day. today is that day. i do this for you. my sacrifice is your safety blanket. so necessary and wholesome. so familiar and loved. regret is not in the word breakfast. only break and fast and if you jumble up the letters it spells krab-feast, fak-breast, and barf-steak. and i do not regret going to miss portland diner. our service was excellent. frequent refills of decent coffee. and as the usual mentioned as well, our mugs were really quite nice. simple, vibrant, relatively comfortable, and the best thing, i never saw the bottom of my mug. my meal arrived in a timely fashion and conversation eased for a moment or two until after my second bite of my french toast. you know, most things i'm beginning to believe are at their best on the exterior. the heel of a fresh baked loaf of bread is the chewiest and most wonderful portion of a bread that you've only a few moments before pulled out of the oven (caution, do not actually try this in a literal "few moments" of time. it will burn you and leave you blistered and miserable. please wait at least a few minutes before devouring your fresh bread. also the bread needs time to finish baking, so it doesn't want to be hacked into prematurely.) so.... potato bits, the portion on the eastern side of my plate were nibbled at (by me) (not some mouse or anything). they were fine. nothing spectacular but not at all bad. they didn't taste inspired or have any resemblance to summer. perhaps a medley of nasturtiums and tiny whole new potatoes would have been nice. my toast was good. fine. you know, it was toast. not wild or anything. but they served my over-easy eggs honorably and didn't run from the yellow fight. and when i shouted "i eat yolks like you for breakfast" my toast stood up a little straighter and i noticed the men and women across the street in planet fitness pick up the pace as they ran on the treadmills. that must be so frustrating.....running and running and in the end, you haven't made any progress. kind of like this review....i haven't even gotten to talking about my french toast yet. i've been derailed. hoodwinked. a conspiracy is set in motion. how can i have taken up so much of your valuable time and not really even given you the very information you are craving?! this is ludicrous. preposterous! so my french toast was not very good. as i was trying to say earlier, the first bite, the outside bite, the crust, was edible. but somehow the inside was mushy. not like just been sitting around forever mushy but like raw batter mushy. i know folks. that doesn't make sense. i know this. but perhaps it soaked in the egg/milk bath a little too long and got a little pruny? i'm not sure. i just know that was the low point of my meal. everything else was either ok/fine or good. eggs and toast = good. coffee = good. homies and bacon = ok/fine. french toast = not so good. that's it folks. that's all i needed to say in the first sentence. thank you for bearing with me. i won't even go on to tell you about marden's, except to say that it'd been a real long time but they still have the best selection of off brand discounted trapper-keepers this side of the "L.A. region".

where the eff is the breakfast club?!

2008-10-26T14:04:00.002-04:00

as you may or may not have noticed, The Breakfast Club sort of dropped out of the breakfast scene about 6 months ago. we apologize. and actually, we've been meaning to post this "sorry for not posting reviews" blog for about 5 1/2 months.

sorry for not posting reviews.

and sorry for not preparing you, our trusting fans, for the sudden gaping hole in your weekly virtual stack of entertaining reading material. we are really sorry.

but here's the news...

we don't all live close enough to meet for breakfast each and every week anymore.

why? you may demand-- why don't you just get your acts together and meet up? why can't you just sacrifice for the greater good of breakfast eaters in portland and surrounding areas?

well, because we are also sort of busy. and it's not like we were getting paid. (except with your loving support.) and yes, we definitely miss it. more than you may think. because besides being die-hard breakfast reviewers, we are also friends. and we miss each other.

but here's the good news: someday we will review again. hopefully sometime in the near future. and hopefully some of you will still be happy to follow along in our breakfasty quest for perfection. we certainly hope you do.

we love you.

cheers,
The Breakfast Club

bintliff's american cafe

2008-04-29T21:03:00.013-04:00

dining date: 04.27.08

eatery: bintliff's american cafe on park ave
pricing category: you might have to take out a second mortgage for this rather over-priced eatery
guest critic: socially awkward huevos
overall grade: B

the lowdown:
- you all may be wondering why we're reviewing bintliff's again. well, the last time we ate there (as you may recall), it was a monday and they were training a new chef. since that experience was rather dismal (read: TWO breakfasts returned to the kitchen), we decided to give them the benedict of the doubt, and review them again on their big brunch day.

- still had a nautical ship-like feel -- that hasn't changed.

- they still serve their coffee from annoying airpots -- that hasn't changed either.

- definitely plan on waiting for a table...at least for a little while. unless you go on a monday perhaps.

- there is a very large selection of food options -- in fact, the menu's so big that you can't see the other people at your table while you're reading it. although, we can't honestly say that a lot of the options on the menu are things that we'd actually want to eat.

- the service was great -- very friendly and attentive.

- conveniently located next to bubba's sulky lounge -- so if you don't feel like waiting in line at bintliff's, you can go there for spam and eggs instead. or if you find yourself waking up in bubba's bathroom after a crazy 80's night, you can just go next door for a stiff hair of the dog (they have lots of drink options at bintliff's).

the food

the benny girl
- the vegetable benedict (two poached eggs with portabellas and a crap ton of other veggies on an english muffin with hollandaise), 1.5 pieces of bacon, homies, part of a gingerbread pancake with lemon syrup, and tea
- grade: B

"in all honesty, i have pretty mixed feelings about bintliff's. it's one of those places that i really want to like more than i actually do. on one hand, the service is always really good and it has a great "brunchy" atmosphere -- meaning that it's one of those restaurants that you'd feel really comfortable eating a nice long sunday morning meal in...complete with jazzy music and comfy booths. oh, and the back patio is a pretty fabulous spot in the warm weather. but on the other hand, i haven't always been all that impressed with the food and i think it's really expensive. somehow, all of the sides and beverages you have to order to get a nice solid meal seem to compound exponentionally and all of the sudden the check comes and you realize that you might not be able to pay rent this month because of the eggs and tri-tater homies that you just scarfed down. i wonder if bintliff's actually hires dishwashers, or if all of the dishes are just cleaned by the many people that are unable to pay their tab. that probably saves quite a bit on their labor costs. one other thing that bothers me about bintliff's is their complete lack of a waiting area. instead of using the very small amount of space on the first floor for a comfy space to wait for a table, they decided to cram three extra tables in there...leaving all of the people on the waiting list stuck right inside the door next to the stairs. frankly it just gets a little old constantly opening the door for others, repeatedly stepping outside so that people can exit through the door that you're stuck standing in front of, and having total strangers pin you against the wall as they squeeze by you. they really ought to rethink that layout. luckily, we didn't have to wait all that long -- about 20 minutes, which isn't bad for bintliff's on a sunday. we were seated upstairs, thank god. i've sat at the little tables downstairs and they suck. it always feels like you're being hovered over by all of the people on the waiting list who have nowhere else to stand except on top of you. after we were seated in a very comfy booth, our friendly and charming server andrew came over to greet us and take our drink order. immediately we could tell that he was a master of the art of serving that our poor chump at frog & turtle failed so miserably at -- he was polite, sassy, slightly flirtatious, fun, friendly, personable, professional, and attentive all at once. unlike mr. socially awkward, potty-mouthed, sketchy spice over in westbrook. we all liked him instantly. he gave us the perfect amount of time to contemplate the menu options before returning with our beverages and to collect our food orders. funny thing happened here. he brought me a nice mug with a pretty tea bag in it, along with mini honey and milk pitchers...but he forgot the hot water. i didn't really notice that until he had left the table, so when he came back a few minutes later, i asked him if i could please have some hot water for my tea. he looked slightly stunned by his oversight, but rebounded quickly and perfectly with some ice-breaking joke that also assumed total responsibility for the mistake. in other words, he did NOT say anything like "that's bullshit. that's total bullshit on my part." nice change of pace, i gotta say. the food came pretty quickly. i decided to order a benedict, since last time we reviewed bintliff's i broke the norm and got an omelette, which was a huge mistake as you might recall. the meal was yet another thing that i had mixed feelings about. on one hand, the english muffin was grilled perfectly, the veggies were plentiful and well-cooked, and the hollandaise was great. but on the other hand, the eggs were poached hard (BIG faux pas in the eyes of any benedict patron other than the usual, who is just weird when it comes to eggs) and the homefries were just kind of a pile of tri-colored mash. they really could have been a lot better than they were. oh, and the bacon was pretty over-cooked. ooh, but the pancake was really yummy. just the right amount of gingerbread flavor and the syrup was reminiscent of lemon meringue pie. you know, i'm not really sure what else to say about this experience. i think we were all hoping that our review would be monumentally different if we ate there again on a non-monday...but it wasn't all that much better. i'll probably still go back there again -- after i save up about 3 months worth of allowance. what can i say? i'm a sucker for patios that are like tree houses and it's still a cozy place to enjoy a leisurely sunday meal with good people. and i also have a slight crush on our server."

the usual
- 2 eggs over-hard, homemade white toast, homefries, mimosa and coffee
- grade: B-/C+

"oh bintliff's i sincerely thought that we had done you wrong you in our first review, that we had just chosen the wrong day to grace you with our glorious presence. but alas, i'm not sure that is the case. let me explain. although we didn’t initially plan to brunch at bintliff’s, i was ready and willing to fork over the dough and try this place again. we arrived during the mid-brunch hustle-bustle and were greeted by the friendly host. the wait was maybe 15 minutes, which isn’t bad considering bintliff's position as one of portland's "best" brunch establishments. meanwhile, i checked out the décor, which was antique? country-living? i'm a little unsure. there were definitely dried flowers and topiarys scattered about, making me feel a little like i'd stepped into someone's overly-powdered, check-pinching grandmother's house. otherwise the atmosphere was nice, with warm lighting and framed photos on the walls. we nestled into our cozy booth beneath the eves and were promptly handed menus the size of small children. our server arrived and was an instantaneous hit. after ordering coffee i settled in to check out the options. after careful menu perusal, i realized that "the usual" actually looked like the best bet on the menu, not a good sign. my other possibility was the veggie florentine, but it was unfortunately decked out with parmesan bacon sauce instead of hollandaise. so, i got the usual. after our fantastic server informed me that i couldn't get a "bayside breeze" due to an unfortunate grapefruit juice outage, i settled on a plain old mimosa to quench my morning thirst. it was good, pretty standard. our food arrived quickly and i had high hopes that the monumental beacon of bintliff's would finally shine through, revealing what everyone loved about this place. my eyes widened excitedly as my almost comically large plate was set in front of me, my mouth hoping for glory. and what can i say? it wasn't glorious. it wasn't monumental. it wasn't even really notable. The homies were a smush of otherwise beautiful tubers, requiring multiple applications of s&p. it's sad, but sometimes people forget to put the "fry" in homefries and in this case i was presented with home-mush. my toast had great potential, a thick-cut slice of homemade white clinging to the side of the plate. it's potential fell flat however when i realized that it was in dire need of butter and that there was none available. yes, our server was extremely accommodating and would certainly have brought butter had i asked. but honestly, why should we have to ask for butter? for TOAST? on to the eggs. they started out fine, pretty tasty in fact. i was wary after my last bintliff's experience of non-over-hard eggs and so i examined the yolk carefully. although they weren't as hard as i would have maybe liked, they were definitely adequate. all was going well until i bit into a pocket of uncooked whites and all hell broke loose in my mouth. there are times when i can deal with slightly runny yolk, but whites however should never be runny in an "over-hard" egg. unless the cook is trying to kill me with grossness. Apparently bintliff's is unaware that when an egg is cooked "over-hard," all of the egg parts should be solid. it should be completely cooked. all the way through. and honestly, it's not that hard to do. anyway. the rest of my bintliff's experience was good, our server was the perfect combo of friendly and sassy and i would have to say, he was one of the best we've encountered. score one for bintliff's."

wild toast
-“the acadian” (an omelet with andouille sausage, red onion, baby spinach, and pepperjack) uber thick white toast, homefries, coffee, bloody mary, and some bacon
- grade: B

"if only the white heart had been open at 10…but alas we decided to (2 x re)-view good ol’ bintliff’s. or at least what we were hoping would be good bintliff’s. after a bit of a wait where my stomach growled and asked for some cheese for its wine we were seated upstairs with a lovely view of the much needed rain dripping on the deck. squirrels donned raincoats, birds feathered their paddles, and i went snorkeling about in my bloody mary, which would soon arrive garnished with a flock of migratory olives branched and speared on the overarching forest of my celery. (sorry socially awkward huevos, but celery, while never declared as a strong candidate for the “life-time achievement award”, still holds a dignified and honorable place in the vegetable kingdom (or should i say kingdom: plantae, class: magnoliopsida, order: apiales, family: apiaceae (or umbelliferae), genus: apium, species: graveolens)) ah…so…where was i… ah yes, so our pleasant server, always giving funny estimates of how much time we could expect our food, or drinks to arrive, “that’ll be 2-4 minutes for your pancake” “that’s gonna be about 39 to 262 seconds til you get your coffee..." kept us stocked with the goodies of his service and even sat down to discuss a quiz i was giving benny girl which included such highlights as “Q.what is my favorite color A. blue” and “Q. what was the score of the sox game last night? A. 2-1 rays” neither of which benny girl answered correctly. so then at some point our food arrived and i happily dug in to my omelet. now there are 2 things i must try to remember, one is that from now on i should not order andouille sausage because i don’t think i like it, even if i tell myself i do, and i don’t really love omelets. this last confession comes with some grief as i have many fond memories of omelets from my youth, when i was yet an aspiring breakfast connoisseur and would add 100 varietal cheeses, 200 leafy vegetables (including our fond apium) , 2 bottles of “dr. bronner’s cayenne all purpose wash-it or sauce-it sauce”, 1600 ears of corn, a peck of pickled eggs (discounted from marden’s), a herd of hungry hungry hippos and a side of soggy salad. but those are but moments of my youth, and today i must move on, forge ahead, and try my mushy looking pile of potatoes. and in fact, in all reality, my tri-tater canyon was disappointing. as my loyal fans will understand, a homefry is a homefry when, and if, and only when it is crisped, browned, seasoned, and most importantly loved. friends, what i am obliged to spell out for you is that i did not love this pile of muddled starch. and how did my toast stand up? well, let me just say that I didn’t finish it. it was thick, it was white, it was hardly buttered, and i thought it just wasn’t what the doctor ordered. and my omelet, that was good. it really was, even for a recent andouille-me-no-liky candidate as my self, and a closet omelet-I don’t really care for this incarnation of egg person such as myself, the omelet was tasty. and the service kept on in keeping, with just enough coffee refills, even if they had to fill a little vessel from an airpot because that’s the best they can do (really it’s a strange thing in my opinion) and in general my overall experience was fine. not what it is always built up to be, but fine. and leaving bintiliff’s, after spilling benny girl’s cream on the floor, i took off my snorkel and hit the no longer dusty trail to marden’s.”

socially awkward huevos
- veggie homefries with baby spinach, tomato, mushroom, asparagus, onion, red pepper, broccoli and zucchini over three potato home fries with parmesan and two eggs over medium on top of homemade white toast, two bites of gingerbread pancakes with warm lemon syrup and a bellini the “Italian mimosa: champagne and peach juice
- grade: B

"after becoming the self-appointed door person for exiting customers, i was a bit scared by the decor. i have always had a problem with forest green and maroon dried eucalyptus leaves used as decoration. bintliff's decorator didn't seem to share my hatred as they were all over the place in every vase, including the one on our table-which we got to in an acceptable amount of time for sunday brunch. our friendly and relaxed waiter handed us our ginormous menus. i don’t mean huge as in a lot to choose from, i mean huge in that i could not see the usual across the booth from me- this is not conducive to talking about what you might or might not want to order at all. after deciding that i would not rock the boat and order anything vaguely lunch-like i chose the veggie home fries, it sounded like a great combination of yummy veggies and standard breakfast eggs and potatoes. i also decided to let the boozer in me out and ordered a large breakfast cocktail. my first choice was denied by the waiter due to a lack of grapefruit juice (what?), so I went for a peach bubbly concoction that when came to the table was very bubbly and tasted good i think. i could be wrong as i was at that point taken aback by the architectural celery olive spire sticking out of wild toast's bloody mary. i am never, i repeat never impressed by celery but the fun little olives sticking off the side of the stalk made me for ever a brief second think that i wanted a bite of that putrid veggie. i then came back to reality and realized celery is the devil even when disguised with delicious olives. our meal arrived promptly and i was impressed by the size of the portion, there was a lot of food on that plate. The veggies were yummy, seasoned very well, though I only saw one leaf of baby spinach on top of my fork during the whole meal. the home fries were a bit soggy and at first I was willing to say it was due to the veggies that lay on top but in conferring with my tablemates i found out that they were born that way. eggs were the perfect amount of runny in the over medium world. the toast was a bit dry and overly thick but tasted good enough that i ate the whole piece. my two bites of the gingerbread pancake were yummy very sweet. i do not think I could ever eat a whole order of them, but they were yummy. all in all my meal and my company were good, the company by far better then the food, and I wonder if the company might have made the food seem better then it actually was."

steve & renee's diner

2008-04-20T19:28:00.004-04:00

dining date: 04.20.08

eatery: on the very precarious corner of washington avenue and veranda, near the 295 off-ramp
pricing category: the complete opposite of expensive -- NOTE: cash and personal checks only
guest critic: dropsy mcfumbleones & tango and hash
overall grade: A-

the lowdown:
- maybe we just missed the "church crowd" -- or maybe there's no such thing a "church crowd" at steve & renee's -- but it was very nice to be seated immediately upon entering. in fact, we weren't seated. we seated ourselves. which was even better.

- more pinch pots than we've seen in quite awhile.

- the tables are covered with old newspaper tablecloths...but somehow it's cooler than when subway used to do that.

- this diner has a great "neighborhoody" feel. there are framed personal photos scattered about, and we were able to participate in a restaurant-wide, cheerful, rousing rendition of "happy birthday" to jen on the 40th anniversary of her birth.

- very comfortable place to eat a no frills, yet totally solid, quality diner breakfast. no pretensions here.

- the menu is littered with fabulous little cartoony illustrations that are reason enough to check this place out. and just for the record, the middle one on the left side of the menu is a little kid on a man's shoulders...not a very skinny, disproportioned dr. seuss character.

- very friendly and attentive wait staff with some maternal instincts...meaning we knew that they were taking good care of us and they called us "sweetie" the whole time.

- steve and renee's does not take credit cards, although they do take personal checks

- the lowdown of this lowdown is that we've totally hit the nail on the head.

the food

the benny girl
- the #3 special (two eggs over-medium, bacon, homies and english muffin), tea, half of a mickey mouse pancake, and two bites of a cinnamon bun
- grade: A-

"i've definitely seen this diner about a million times, but have never actually eaten there. i think the location kind of deters me, if we're being totally honest. first of all, it's in a mini strip mall with only a laundromat and a nail salon - and those of you who know me best know that those two businesses are tied with wal-mart and hummer dealerships on the top of my "last places on the planet that i would ever step foot in" list. second, it's located on one of the weirdest, slightly-lethal-in-the-context-of-potential-traffic-accidents corners in portland. it's just an awkward spot. and it's right off the highway, but is not a truck stop...which is the only kind of place that i generally enjoy eating breakfast while also having a view of heavy traffic on multiple lanes. okay, i'm exaggerating. you can't actually see the highway, and it's definitely located right past the off-ramp, but still. not necessarily the most enticing area of portland to want to venture over to on a sunday morning. however, thanks to this glorious The Breakfast Club column, this morning i finally stopped judging a book by its cover...or by the other books around it on the shelf, actually. steve & renee's really is a great neighborhood spot. there wasn't even a single second of a wait when we arrived (although i have no idea if that's normal or just a random lucky fluke), and the servers were prompt, attentive, and friendly from the get-go. i was happy to see that there wasn't an eggs benedict dish on the menu -- i tend to get anticipatory anxiety about the digestive aftermath of bennies from diners before the first bite even touches my lips. so i breathed a sigh of relief and ordered a version of the usual's signature item, which is honestly my favorite thing to order in diners anyway. i have to say, i really appreciated that they give you the option of having your english muffin either toasted or grilled...especially after my gray slop of an english muffin at pukey's on commercial street. anyway, the eggs were cooked perfectly and the yolks were a great condiment for my muffins. [enter vomit sound emitting from the mouth of the usual here]. the homies, while clearly made in bulk like most diners do, were really good. well grilled and just the right combination of crispiness and tenderness. i asked the usual if she/he wanted to split the mickey mouse pancake with me...not really because i wanted to eat a pancake (you know how we feel about them), but only because i really wanted to see it. it was just too cunnin' to me that it was even on the menu -- how could i resist?! check out the photo if you don't believe me -- mickey's so cute...albeit slightly stoned-looking, but hey - it is 4/20 after all. and it was pretty tasty too...as far as pancakes go. kind of flat and chewy...although that could have more to do with the fact that we waited about 20 minutes to eat it. oh, and the bacon was alright -- nothing spectacular, even on the "diner bacon spectrum" but not terrible either. just pretty nondescript, which is not what i generally like to say about my favorite food in the world. okay, and lastly, i have to say that the tea was by far the best that i've ever had in a diner. she brought me a sidecar pot of hot water! i was very pleased, i must say. so yeah. if you live in the outer washington / veranda street area, or you're out for a sunday stroll on back bay, then you should definitely check out this friendly spot. i promise it will be the best 5 bucks you spend all day. and maybe if you're lucky, the dive bar across the street will be open when you're done eating and you can have a yummy pbr for dessert."

the usual
- 2 eggs over-hard, wheat toast, homefries, 2 mickey mouse pancake ears and coffee
- grade: A-

"nobody that i know seems to have eaten at steve and renee's before, much less know where it is. i myself used to confuse it with kathy and dave's, in that they are both diners with fairly generic pairings of men's and women's names. names aside and despite it's low profile, steve and renee's is chock full of character, charm and attitude. with photos on the wall and a long welcoming bar for the regulars, the decor is homey without being overly cluttered and garage sale-ish, something that many establishments seem to struggle with. after squishing our five bodies into a table clearly meant for four, our lovely server offered up beverages and brought waters all around. things were going swimmingly and only got better when i opened up the menu. what did i find smack dab at number one? the usual. for a thrifty and endearing $2.89. honestly, that just might be the cheapest 'the usual' in town. anyway, i ordered up my namesake. the table across from us was celebrating a birthday and i was feeling so cozy and neighborly that i even sang along with them as they congratulated jen, something i wouldn't normally partake in. it's amazing what friendly service and frequent coffee refills can do sometimes. on to the food. it arrived hot and fast and with all the condiments that you might need for your journey. no waiting around for a tiny cup of ketchup while your homies get cold here, steve and renee's prepares you with pointy sharpshooter bottles of both ketchup and syrup and throws in a jumbo bottle of tabasco to boot. my eggs were perfect, nicely over-hard. the toast was just great, thicker than i'd thought it would be for a diner and extremely well-buttered. they even presented it with both buttered sides up, something that's unheard of but extremely sensible in that your butter ratios don't get skewed due to upside-down toast positioning. i appreciated it anyway. the homefries didn't let me down either. i was given a generous portion and they use red potatoes, which are my favorite. although the taters were perfectly cooked, they had little in the way of seasoning forcing me to load on the salt and pepper. a tad bit of pre-dining flavor thrown in there wouldn't hurt anybody, and might just liven it up a little. the coffee was ok, nothing spectacular except for the fact that it was plentiful and fresh. two of my favorite coffee qualities. all in all, steve and renee's cooks up a tasty meal and pairs it with friendly service, leaving its happy patrons with happy stomachs and happy wallets, a perfect combination."

wild toast

-2 eggs over easy, homefries, italian sausage, marble rye, coffee, water, a good time and mickey mouse’s nose
- grade: B+/A-

"getting off the highway onto washington ave, i was a little weary of our choice, to dine at steve and renee's. the 70's-style mini strip mall, a good whiffle ball shot from the highway and cornered by chip's subaru and that other dealership with used volvos and late model mercury tracers doesn't holler "hey you, get some grub, have some fun, enjoy meatloaf and a butter bun!" and yet it nearly did. (ok, i'll confess, i'm not sure if they had meatloaf but it seems like they could and i'm not exactly even sure what a butter bun is, but i bet they have it.) so anyway. as my fellow breakfasting fellows have surely made clear, we were all pretty pleased when we had a fine dining time. our table was clad with a nice tablecloth of old and forgotten tabloids and adloids which were entertaining, at least for a couple of seconds. our tag-teamed service was friendly and compliant, and topped off our coffees with enough frequency that i didn't really even have to think about it. my meal, a daily special, a wild choice, of italian sausage, eggs, toast and homies was the perfect amount for me to take down. the sausages had a little kick, the toast marbled and buttery and eggs fried just enough. then there were the homies. i ate them all, even though they weren't seasoned, but they were griddled and occasionally browned, and that is a good state for a homefry to be in. other than that they had an enormous bottle of tabasco, a refillable 'sharp shooter' of ketchup, pinch pots and other ceramic treasures, and the generous hum-drum of a loyal crowd. so i would recommend dropping by this unsuspecting, unpretentious eatery, especially if you can swing over to mackworth for a lovely walk to settle your homies, eggs, and your toast."

dropsy mcfumbleones
- one pancake, one egg, one sausage, one piece of bacon and coffee (from the tiny tots menu)
- grade: A-

"there is nothing in the world that i like more than pancakes. seriously, nothing. let me back up to say that, based on the name, i was expecting a home with a white sign and gold script that only serves french food but pleased to see the old dive strip mall, a locale that i thought had been abandoned for years. back to the pancakes. i ordered the pancakes. better yet, i ordered, from the tiny tots menu, (major kudos to florence for allowed me to do so) the onesie meal. from ordering to delivery, mere minutes, i managed to drop my fork on the floor and tip over my full glass of water (again, kudos to florence for her "don't worry honey. it's just water..." i love you flo.) my pancake was diner typical, if not a little sub par. it was face-sized, golden brown and relatively forgettable. i am disappointed to report that the non-displayed side of the cake was slightly burnt, though not quite an endearing crisp. i promptly emptied my egg on the pancake like syrup and was pleased with the egg's performance, but when i attempted to "cut" the pancake by dragging my fork across it but it just bounced back to being whole, much to my chagrin. the taste made up for the relatively bouncy consistency, delighting my taste buds with thick, decadent flapjack goodness smothered in i cant believe its not butter and egg goo sauce. perfect. my meats were both as expected - very crisp, mini and meaty. (note: mini is not intended as a backhanded dis but rather as gracious praise for not overfilling me with rather unhealthy, sunday-killing fried meat.) i dropped my bacon on the floor as well but ate it anyway, which can attest to my comfort level of the cleanliness of steve and renee, a diner miracle. overall, my pancake was slightly rubbery but totally satisfying and rather standard, the floor bacon and sausage were little nuggets of guilty pleasures without going overboard and the egg... what egg? the sauce was a protein power play of perfection. this meal is good enough for your kids and cheap enough that you shouldn't worry about it. "

tango and hash
- cinnamon bun, 2 eggs over-medium, corn beef hash, white toast, homefries and coffee
- grade: B+

"steve and renee's was a great place to stumble into groggy-eyed and not yet in full command of my vocabulary. the all middle-aged female wait staff was upbeat and salty (in a good way) and were prompt in serving coffee, water and taking our orders. i decided to warm up my esophagus and stomach with a cinnamon bun which was strangely dedicated to some cousin’s memory (i don't get it either). anywho, the cinnamon bun was served shortly after ordering with ample delicious frosting. i am pretty sure it was not a homemade bun but sometimes food out of a box is just what the doctor ordered and for $1.29, the doctor was in the house. the meal arrived and was pretty much exactly what you would expect from an establishment such as this. the corn beef hash was of the canned variety and was good if that is what you are looking for. the home fries were red potatoes liberally cut into decent sized chunks, nothing too special there but once again good especially with ketchup. the eggs were cooked to order and the toast came out with an appropriate amount of butter. i was unable to finish the entire meal indicating that the amount of food was sufficient and there was still coffee in my cup when we left. in summary, steve and renee's was fantastic in its standarditity and a great place to go for average breakfast food, cooked well, priced cheap and served in a welcoming and accepting environment."

frog and turtle

2008-04-13T23:58:00.003-04:00

dining date: 04.13.08
eatery: the frog and turtle on bridge street in westbrook
pricing category: could possibly be a significant portion of your weekly dining out allowance, but worthwhile
guest critic: sister pamplemous(s)e and veggin' like your mother's fruitbowl
overall grade: A-

the lowdown:

- even though we like the name of this "gastro pub," we all tend to call it "the new uffa!" or "the old chickie's"...that should tell you where it's located and who owns it.

- they did a good job with the complete remodeling of this former diner / music venue -- it looks totally different than chickie's did. however, the decor is a little too mismatched for our taste (read: ruffly flowered curtains, big green drapes, sleek leather couch, and neon miller high life sign all in one establishment).

- great waiting area that feels like a comfy living room in the thick of the restaurant. you're not stuck standing by the door while you wait (which is very nice) and the servers were extremely attentive with coffee and wait time updates while we lounged.

- great music played the whole time we were there, which definitely contributed to the fun, laid-back environment. it was a very enjoyable place to spend two point five hours of our sunday.

- plenty of free parking out back, and since they will openly tell you that they don't have a defribulator on premise, you might want to work off your breakfast and exercise your heart by taking a lovely stroll on the river walking path across the street.

- when you go to the bathroom at the f & t, be sure to look for the "framed full monty." you'll know what we're talking about when you see it -- trust us, it's worth it.

- because this was such a monumental event, we are breaking convention right now, and would like to share one epic aspect of our meal in the low-down:

midway through our meal, much to our dismay, the usual overheard our server tell the table next to us that they were out of homemade doughnuts. he also listed off the variations they usually offer, and included a bacon-wrapped doughnut on the list. when we asked him if they actually offer that option, he said no but always hopes that someone will take him seriously and order one when he offers it in jest. we told him earnestly that we would have. his eyes widened and sparkled with jubilation as he exclaimed "fuck!" and ran off. he then returned to the table excitedly and told us that the pastry chef "found" one last doughnut and would wrap it in bacon if we were actually serious. straight-faced, we told him to bring it on. while we were waiting for our chocolate-filled, bacon-wrapped doughnut, we had two different servers come over to confirm the rumors that they'd just heard about some table actually ordering that joke. look right to view our amazing dessert in all it's glory. chocolate, bacon. sweet, salty. being pioneers in our own right. priceless.

the food

the benny girl
- traditional eggs benedict, homies, greens, one piece of bacon, a half a piece of bacon, mimosa, tea, and one quarter of a bacon-wrapped, chocolate-filled, chocolate-covered doughnut
- grade: A

"today marks the second episode in our "field trip series." in case you hadn't noticed, last week we ventured to south portland and today we made the trek all the way out to westbrook. having grown up in portland, i make it a point to never go to this smelly, neighboring mill town if i can help it. oh wait. the mill's been closed for years, it doesn't really smell there anymore, and they're doing a lot to spruce up the town. well, whatever. old reputations die hard, and i still effin' hate westbrook. i hope the f & t realizes the personal sacrifice i made for the sake of reviewing their establishment. when we arrived, there was a bit of a wait for a table of 5 (understandably). as suggested by the very friendly host, we took a seat on the comfy couches and enjoyed the pleasures of people-watching, sipping coffee, and reading gourmet magazines. i was definitely impressed with the attentive and friendly service while we waited. after about 20 minutes, we were seated at a table in the back of the restaurant. moments later, our server arrived and thus began a series of head-scratching/jaw-dropping, semi-hilarious, review-worthy interactions with our waiter. it began with his answer to a question we didn't ask him, interrupted by his hiccups. when i then ordered a tea with honey and milk, he looked at me and said "yeah, don't really know about the honey. can't make any promises" in a rather put out way. not so impressed with that response -- not gonna lie. he then proceeded to bring all of our many beverages to the table one at a time. can't say that was the most efficient system that he could've chosen, but hey -- to each his own. one of his many trips to our table resulted in a cup of tea in front of me, and a comment of "i have someone working on the honey situation." since i wasn't aware that i had given him the mission impossible, i was definitely intrigued by that statement. about 10 minutes later, he brought a container of honey to the table. when i went to pour it, i realized that the seal inside had not yet been broken and when he saw me cut open the seal with wild toast's knife, our server said "is it not open yet? oh that's bullshit. that's total bullshit on my part." my shock at his cavalier attitude about swearing at his patrons was mixed with gratitude at his ability to accept ownership for the poor presentation of honey (something that he obviously knows to be important to me). after he left the table, we all discussed the possibility that they could have actually gone out to buy my honey on the spot...considering how long it took him to bring it to me. of course, this speculation was never actually confirmed, but we all like to think that it did happen and we commend them for the extra special customer service. and speaking of customer service...the other employees at the f & t were fabulous -- very attentive and brought refills, friendly conversation, and smiles repeatedly to our table. okay. i realize that i've spent quite a bit of time talking about our server, but let me pause to clarify for a second. i do think that his intentions were good -- he was attempting to be casual, fun, and sassy with us. and while he pulled it off slightly a couple of times, most of the time his attempts fell flat and left us feeling a little aghast and rather awkward. as someone who used to wait tables, i just think it's best to feel out your table before you throw out the sarcasm and faux-irritation. and, most importantly, the only time you should EVER say "bullshit" twice, "fuck" twice, and talk incessantly about consuming alcohol when you're serving strangers, is if the people you're waiting on are the punks who mugged you last week and you recognize their scummy faces as being your assailants who left you bloody and broke. or if you have tourettes. but you know, even though he was definitely lacking that jenesaisquoi that you look for in a server, he actually carved out a little soft spot in my heart. i kinda liked him by the end of the meal. maybe it was because he looked like a kid on christmas when we ordered the bacon doughnut, or maybe it was just nice to have a little ballsy sauciness from a server in a world where people tend to kiss your ass to get the 20%. there was definitely no ass-kissing, and he still definitely got 20%+ for his brazen, what-you-see-is-what-you-get persona. i think i can speak for the others when i say that he most certainly gets the TBC dundee for most interesting service. define that how you will. oh yeah, the food. the benedict was very good. it was served with ham, instead of the loathsome canadian bacon, which i appreciated and embraced. the stacking of the benedict was perfect and tidy. perfectly grilled english muffins underneath a tight little poached egg and a perfectly-sized dollop of hollandaise. the flavor was great and it was not at all the "sloppy mess on a plate" that makes me categorize a benny as a total flop. the homies were less like homefries and more like smashed potatoes and since i didn't have any strong feelings about them either way, i'll let my fellow TBC compadres comment more about them. i thought they were pretty tasty though. and i really like that the f & t serve their egg dishes with greens -- a very nice and healthy touch. the greens nutritionally cancelled out the grease of bacon doughnut, which is helpful. the mimosa was good and very fairly priced, and the other alcoholic beverages that i sampled at the table were all good (except for the garnish-barren red mess that sat in front of wild toast). and then there was the doughnut. grease, dough, pools of melted chocolate, bacon, and a spear holding it all together. enough said. this was a very enjoyable and epic dining experience. i would definitely go back...perhaps more frequently if it wasn't in that crappy town next door, but i would venture out there again. and just for the record, saying that i would go to westbrook for a repeat performance is about the highest praise that a restaurant can get from me. consider yourself complimented f & t."

the usual
- vegetarian florentine with spinach, tomato, and hollandaise instead of cheddar, "homefries," coffee, bocce ball, chocolate covered, bacon-wrapped doughnut
- grade: A

"oh the dream of a new uffa!, the hope for a new era filled with the jaunty tastiness that has been lacking since they closed, the longing for that delicious something that portland has been missing. i guess that's because it now resides in westbrook, of all places. don't get me wrong, the frog and turtle is not uffa! reborn. instead, it's like uffa!'s kid brother that just turned 19 and got a fake id--a little more laid-back and sprawly, but with uffa!'s genes for taste sensation. although the f&t takes reservations, we neglected to make one, which is just how we roll. the wait however, was fine with me. the wonderful host showed us to the comfy couches where we were able to order beverages while we waited. by the time our table was ready, i was so cozy i'd almost forgotten there was more to the experience than relaxing on couches sipping coffee. once we arrived at our table, i was a little unsure that i could fit into my chair due to it's tight proximity to the neighboring man. after some table scootching, i squeezed in and got pumped for some tasty breakfast. as i browsed the menu, i waited on a refill for my empty mug with mediocre but decent coffee. minutes stretched into more minutes. our server arrived and promised to return with more brew. wild toast's bloody came, the minutes passed. our server arrived again coffee-less, and remembered he forgot benny girl's honey. minutes passed. no coffee. we finally managed to snag the busy host who obliged our antzy table with what we needed. phew. somewhere in there i also managed to order the 'bocce ball,' a delicious combo of amaretto, oj and soda water served in a traditional bocce ball shaped glass. and here, i suppose i should discuss the oddness of our server, maybe. maybe not. i'm sure everyone else will. i will just note that maybe he should tone down the swearing and drinking references. and that although i enjoy sassy-ness in all facets of my life, you must have some sort of normal rapport with your customers before you start goading them and swearing. so there's that. our server did win some major points in regard to the bacon doughnut experience. on to the food. after another customer-induced coffee refill, the food arrived, and oh did it look spectacular. my florentine looked beautiful. i had asked for hollandaise instead of cheddar, and i can't imagine why they wouldn't normally serve it that way when hollandaise is clearly the superior choice. in the midst of ordering and dealing with this cheddar/hollandaise debacle, i had forgotten to ask for my eggs to be poached hard, and let me tell you readers, i powered through, and even enjoyed my normally poached eggs. sometimes i just blow my own mind. next to my perfect florentine sat some tasty greens and a small smattering of 'homefries.' yes, i used quotes right there. do not go to the frog and turtle in search of homies. the 'homefries' are actually smushy, well-seasoned potatoes. and they are very tasty, they just aren't homefries. overall, the f&t will woo you with deliciousness and good times. it'll make you wonder why they aren't located in downtown portland, or why you don't live in westbrook. maybe. oh, and the bacon-wrapped doughnut. well. that was an experience this vegetarian will not soon forget."

wild toast

- cajun bam-bam (two poached eggs on top of sausage and grilled english muffin with salsa and sour cream), homefries, greens, water, coffee, and a whiffle ball...syke, it was a bloody mary
- grade: A-

"westbrook, with its smoke stacks and commuters, isn't exactly shouting out to be a hot destination spot, but for the excuse of eating a tasty brunch, it's worth it. we arrived and were offered over-stuffed cowches for our wait, and were offered, which i accepted and started things off with a good cup of joe. 20 minutes later, we were seated and started on what would turn out to be a very memorable experience. our kind, hiccupping, not-exactly-attentive, perhaps inexperienced, swearing-like-a-sailor, but friendly server, came up and was all over the place with his anecdotes of wine-tasting and bacon-wrapped doughnuts, and his continual banter. having heard that "the man behind the bar" was voted the best bloody crafter in town, i had to try his notorious b to the mary. witnessing a few bloodies prepared during our comfy stay on the couches, i was pretty bummed when my b.m. showed up sans lemon, lime, and cucumber wedge. was it because they had inconveniently run out of that marvelous trifecta of wedgenaciousness? all at the same time?! well, this line of questioning was extinguished when one of my fellow reviewers ordered one that not only had all the fixins, but also looked darker, richer, more manly, and generally tastier. upon comparative sips, i concluded that my bloody mary was not so merry and was prepared by an inexperienced tomato-grower from the land of lacking, and not by the handsome, prize-winning, chopped, puppet master behind the bar. so, i know that they have a good bloody mary because i tried one, but mine was not up to par. so that inconsistency behind me, i thought i'd drink some coffee. but wait! my mug was empty, and in fact, we had to request refills every time, which obviously we don't want to be forced into doing. moving on, my meal arrived, and overall, it was excellent. i had the cajun bam-bam, which while not reminiscent of scrimp or even of much spiciness, was totally awesome poached eggs over sausage and a grilled english muffin. it really was delicious. my "homefries" were the least exciting factor, as they were mushy bits of potato that i sort of ate around. i did split a side of bacon with the benny girl, which i thought was quite tasty. and then we found out from our hiccupping pirate-prince of a waiter that we could get a doughnut, and upon accepting the offer of a bacon-wrapped, chocolate-dipped, artery-binding doughnut, our server was pleased as punch. so, overall, i would certainly consider going again, however, i hope ol' long-john silver buckles down and can be a little more attentive, and i would hope to get the real deal on the bloody mary next time."

veggin' like your mother's fruitbowl
- water, coffee, bloody mary, omelette with caramelized onions, mushrooms, spinach and brie, homefries, toast (with jam, once requested) and one bite of bacon-free chocolate-sauced homemade doughnut
- food grade: A- / service grade: B+

"well, my arrival at the f&t was jump-started with an impromptu phone call to my part-time job letting them know that i have been virus-stricken for four days now and therefore work just wasn't going to happen today… i really just wanted a bloody mary. the period between waiting for a table on the comfy leather couch and ordering our food is a rather blurred memory now; nevertheless, a few blips on the radar include our water bringing the drink order one drink at a time, his declaration of the unopened honey jar as 'bullshit on my part,' and the frigid ice-chest temperature at our back wall table. the music, however, notably improved the atmosphere. so, i was served my small, but welcomed mug of coffee – the brew was good, but not extraordinary. my biggest comment regarding the coffee is that we had to request refills every time, no joke. my bloody mary arrived some time later, thankfully with its proper garnishes that my compadre's drink was missing. i feel obliged to confess that this was my first bloody mary experience so i have no basis for comparison. having tasted wild toast's drink, i found mine remarkably better – thick, tangy, heady with horseradish and most importantly, properly garnished. this drink even stirred in me the inspiration to concoct my own spiked beverage… i had visions of pineapple-coconut juice with cachaça, garnished with a leg of aloe. shaken, not stirred. our plates arrived in good time and mine was more than adequately filled. knowing the importance of vitamins and fiber, i first dove into my 'greens' accompaniment. please note that the side of greens was a contributing factor to my choice of ordering the omelette, so maybe you will better understand my slight disappointment. i managed to eat them all, but suffered the thirst of ten thousand shipwrecked pirates; so i say no thanks to salty salad. next… to the potatoes, which were, come to find out, in no way the 'homefries' that the menu promised. they offered a pleasing portion of pepperiness but were simply way too mashy. fortunately, the omelette was first class. it was professionally folded and claimed at least half the surface of the plate. i have to say i was impressed by the allowance of four ingredients – and the inclusion of caramelized onions (one of my all-time favourite ingredients) on the list of options. major points there. also, the omelette was generously stuffed, and i could tell that the baby spinach leaves had been delicately wilted with care. merci, monsieur chef d'omelette. wrapping up my first review as a guest critic –thank you TBC- a few words to our waiter. newsflash! buddy-boy, profanity is not acceptable at the table, no matter how hip your customers. i guess you gave it your best shot- maybe you were a little off today, maybe you're just green; you do have a certain blundering charm, i'll try not to be too mean. to the f&t: i think it really says something about a food establishment when one has to wave one's mug or twirl one's glass to catch the eye of, not one's own waiter, but of the host and other distant waiters in order to gain the usual 'goes without saying' regularly-timed rounds of refills. i have to ask, how established are y'all? and please, if you don't preview the politeness-proficiency of your waiters, either routinely wash their mouths out with soap or send them off to finishing school. just so i don't feel like i'm a horribly negative, judgmental oppressor, i prostrate before you and pledge that i shall return – it was well worth playing hooky, popping my bloody mary cherry and slapping down my twenty bucks."

sister pamplemouse
- egg scramble with tomato, scallion and brie on croissant, coffee, oj, pamplemouse
- food grade: A / service grade: B

"while not exactly a buddhist nun (but rather sister to the toast; and definitely not any other kind of nun), i became convinced that i want to serve a pamplemouse (enter correct spelling here) to my ladies-in-waiting while getting primped and gussed for my upcoming wedding. what is a pamplemouse, you ask? grapefruit juice and champagne - served in fluted glass and looking lovely in pink. it was that good. and though that was not the caliber of elegance the meal began with or continued with throughout, there were shreds and shards of elegance poking through the brunch experience. one such shard being the melted brie pocketed among scrambled eggs and tomatoes and scallions heaped enticingly upon a bed of toasted croissant. delicious. not as delectable, however, were the not-quite-homefries, which would have been grand had they but held a consistency closer to their namesake instead of soft nearly mashed tatties. though the seasoning was quite a bit more lovely than the overly salted salad greens, which added a nice appeal to the arrangement of the plate's goods, but lacked the carry through in flavor. the final touch of elegance upon the plate was the small cluster of red grapes that were joyously devoured by this sister to the toast. the egg scramble was delicious from start to finish. contrasting quite sharply to the simple elegance of the scramble, grapes and pamplemouse (insert correct spelling here...that's how they spelled it on the menu), was the service. upon walking in we were greeted cordially and directed to sit in the center of the establishment on deep, comfortable leather sofas while waiting for a table to open. surrounded by an eclectic mix of wooden and wood-stained decor, two beautiful bunches of seeming wildflowers (albeit looking hastily thrust into glass vases and not meticulously arranged - as noted by one intimately familiar with the long drawn out process of the practice of ikebana), we were quickly asked by a friendly waiter (there were no female wait-staff) if we would like anything to drink. three out of five of us ordered coffee, and we all appreciated the service. after about 15-20 minutes sitting there, we were offered a table, but by then i had almost forgotten we were there to eat, only because i was so comfortable that it seemed i was just at a coffeehouse. by that time we had decided that the decor was inconsistent but a much nicer place than what it had been before. having no context for that, being the buddhist visitor to the toast that i was, i simply noted that it felt nice, clean, attractive and inviting within. just to note, i thought the curtains were lovely, if out of place. we were brought to a table near a wall of windows which, at first proved to provide a measure of chill, and we remained bundled up. a series of comic errors then proceeded to erupt, but i kept my calm and watched the unfolding. i ordered a small orange juice, which came but in too large a glass and not being pulpy as i like, it did not live up to my ego filled desire for a freshly squeezed experience. but i drank it all anyway. we then wound up waiting for a very long time for coffee refills, and our friend's order of tea and honey became badly botched when the waiter tried to be too casual from the start (we whispered probably too loudly that he seemed to be drunk or hungover). honey was not to be found and when the "honey situation" was finally dealt with, not only did it appear, much to the frog and turtle's credit, and most likely bought on the sly at that moment, but, much to the shame of that particular waiter, it hadn't been opened and senior toast had to provide a blade to remove the seal, at which point the waiter began to swear. his cussing did not cease an there were a couple of leaks into debasement that tarnished our ears. hence the elegance being occasional shards poking through an otherwise ridiculous, but enjoyable situation. the issue with the waiter was likely that he would simply benefit from training. his manner bespoke a lack of confidence and lack of dignity. this sister pamplemouse believes he would greatly benefit from training his mind with sitting meditation and his actions would therefore be of better benefit to the public consuming the food he serves. we had to ask for coffee every time we needed a refill because no one came around asking us if we'd like more. senior toast was very disappointed about a shoddy bloody mary, especially when compared to the other one served at the table, which came as advertised by the best bloody mary maker in portland - with peppered cucumber and citrus garnish. but he kept his council when the hunky side burned bartender came to congratulate us on our brave breakfast ending order of the most bizarre desert i have ever eaten - a bacon wrapped homemade donut drenched in rich chocolate fudge syrup. two other waiters in fact approached us at that time and applauded. but i get ahead of myself. we enjoyed the meal leisurely, noting the good choice of music, the tasty albeit belatedly served coffee, and the deliciousness of our drinks from the bar and the food on our plates. there were occasionally awkward visits from our waiter, naughty words and all, but the crown of hilarity was the waiter's joking offer of a bacon-wrapped donut. which, as you by now have surmised, we said we'd like to order. as a joke offer, our donut was pulled from the left-over batter (only enough for one), but for the donut itself, i will say that it and the chocolate sauce were stellar. of the bacon wrapped round it, i will say tis a once-in-a-lifetime experience, health-wise probably not encouraged more than that. rich beyond rich. but if you go to eat at the frog and turtle, the original, mind you, do not miss the pamplemouse and brie, and of course, do be sure to ask for a chocolate drenched, bacon-wrapped donut. thank you very much, dear The Breakfast Club, for inviting this sister pamplemouse to be a guest in your review, and for making room for me at your table!"

one fifty ate (or 158 pickett street cafe)

2008-04-05T01:58:00.000-04:00

dining date: 04.05.08
eatery: on benjamin w. pickett street in south portland, right next to smcc (and yes, the street number is 158)
pricing category: a little pricey for breakfast sandwiches, but not bad when you consider the quality of ingredients
guest critic: again, just the three of us
overall grade: A-

the lowdown:

- local bakery that serves sandwiches on homemade bagels and breads...so if you’re going there for breakfast, plan on eating either an egg sandwich or a bagel with a number of different toppings...unless you get the scrambled eggs and toast.

- comfortable and welcoming atmosphere, with a slight bustle...clearly a favorite for a lot of regulars.

- hip and friendly service -- and although you order your food at the counter, someone brings it out to your table, so you’re not stuck standing around while you wait.

- it’s nice to see artwork on the walls, and there’s a really sweet bagel display made of chicken wire with piles of seeds and crumbs on the bottom -- so many, in fact, that it looks like an intentional art piece. we find this cool.

- the outdoor seating is actually way better than what you’ll find inside -- between the oasis-esque private backyard with plenty of picnic tables, and the great wooden adirondack chairs out front, it certainly pays to eat here when it’s nice out.

- they have a nice selection of beverages in the cooler, including organic juice boxes and organic chocolate milk.

the food

the benny girl
- bacon, egg, and cheese on a garlic bagel, 4/9ths of a pear and cheese danish, and tea
- grade: A

"if you don’t mind a little bit of a drive, this place is definitely worth checking out...especially when it’s nice enough to sit outside. the location is pretty incredible and right near many perfect places to stroll or play frisbee after you eat. unless you really don’t like extremely picture-esque ocean scenes, complete with lighthouses and jetties and rocky coasts...and in that case, you should just get in your car immediately after eating. walking to your car blind-folded might help. but if you do like the coast, then definitely go a little further down benjamin w. pickett street onto the smcc campus and take a look around. just don’t go into the dorms unless you have a security pass or you’re with a tour group. anyway, back to the food. or, not "back to it" necessarily, since i haven’t even started talking about it yet. one fifty ate makes really great bagels. seriously. and their choices for toppings are really good -- hummus, jam, cream cheese, NUTELLA!, egg & cheese, etc. i went with the bacon, egg, and cheese -- my old standby when i eat there. there’s a perfect amount of egg (not too skimpy and not too over-bearing) and the cheese is melted throughout the pile of scrambled yumminess. a very nice change from places that throw a microwaved egg on a bagel and slap a piece of cheese on it. the bacon was perfectly cooked and thickly cut...although one more piece would have been nice. but between the sandwich and the delicious danish, i definitely felt satisfied by the time i left. and speaking of that danish...it was really, really good. the pears weren’t really cooked (which i liked), the cheese was more like the texture of frosting than cheese, and the whole thing wasn’t too sweet -- more "natural tasting," if that makes any sense. the tea selection could have been better. the only black tea they had was a berry black tea. uh, definitely no bueno for an english breaky snob. so i went with the roobious chai, which was good. i personally really like self-service tea stations, because my ideal tea contains both half & half AND milk...and i never have the guts to ask a server for both of them (unless i’m at the regency), but when i serve myself, i can put whatever i want to into my tea. so, it was good -- really good, actually. i definitely like the food, the atmosphere, and the location of one fifty ate. although, i didn’t like them at all a couple of weeks ago when i called and asked what time they closed and they said 2:00 and i made the drive all the way over there (starving, i might add), only to arrive there at 1:00 to find a locked door, because they "decided to close early." lucky for them, i don’t hold grudges...for long, anyway."

the usual
- egg and cheese sandwich, pear and cheese danish, coffee
- grade: A-

"so alas, brunch is a much more difficult thing to come by on a saturday morning than it is on the ever-typical sunday. we looked up a number of places on our list and found that much to our chagrin, none of them were brunching today. fortunately though, just a hop, skip, and a few stoplights over the bridge to south portland lies a happy little breakfast nook called 158. although this spot doesn’t have an extensive menu, or homies, it’s the perfect place to grab an egg sandwich and a cup of coffee to kick off your saturday morning. or any other morning for that matter. i made my selection pretty quickly, (resident TBC vegetarian + small menu = limited options). i went with the plain ol egg and cheese on a sunflower seed bagel. i had to forego the delicious sounding "hippie" open face with veggies and hummus due to an overpriced experience with a similar sandwich at rivalries the night before. egg and cheese is closer to ’the usual’ anyway. our food was ready in good time and as we waited we took down a good sized chunk of homemade danish. the pears were perfect, not over cooked as they usually are and the crust was amazing, perfect consistency and not too sweet. the coffee, although also awesome, could have done with a different serving vessel. all the mugs are white and wide-mouthed with tiny handles. i hate mugs like this for a myriad of reasons. first, coffee cools much too quickly in such a flat cup. second, uniform white mugs are the stuff of hotels and weddings, not lovely little artsy eateries. third, i spill things a lot and the wide-open-ness of the mug is much more conducive to me making a giant mess. and fourth, well, that’s pretty much it. they don’t seem to fit in with the general atmosphere of the place. why not get some sweet ones made by a local artist? enough about mugs though. my sandwich came and was quickly devoured. instead of the ever-popular fried egg topped with cheese, this sandwich comes filled with perfectly seasoned, fluffy scrambles sitting warmly inside the homemade bagel of your choice. your meal comes to you in a humble tin plate that makes you feel like you’re the newest member of the boxcar children. all in all, 158 is a must-try if you’re in the portland area. so mix it up, lose the homefries for a week and go with the breakfast of champions. homemade bagels. need i say more?"

wild toast

-bacon, egg and cheese sandwich on a sea-salt bagel, and a cup a joe
- grade: A-

"without homefries, but with a homey decor, including cool colored clustered chairs complimenting the cornucopia of good intentions and friendly folks, 158 is a nice spot to enjoy a cup of coffee, and in this instance, an egg sandwich. seeing as it’s a stone’s throw from the pebbled waters of south portland’s lovely coast, i opted for the sea-salt bagel with egg, cheese, and bacon. while the ocean should always have a briny and highly salted aura, i don’t think my bagel necessarily needs to challenge the mighty atlantic to a salt off. however, after brushing a number of salt kernels off the top, my bagel was definitely tasty. the one piece of thick cut bacon was decent, even though i think it may have been sitting around prior to adorning my sandwich as it wasn’t exactly fresh, or hot. by that i don’t mean to say it was old and sitting around since my father’s bar mitzvah or anything, just that it wasn’t like they cooked it per order. anyway, it wasn’t really that big of a deal. the eggs were from chickens, the cheese from cows, so that just basically means it was a pretty good breakfast sandwich. the coffee by design coffee was fine but the squat, wide brimmed mug wasn’t my favorite, as all the unnecessary surface area on the top caused my coffee to chill down in a hurry. in addition to the breakfast sandwich we started things off with a scrumptious cheese and pear danish. tasty. so then upon our return to our chateau to write these marvelous reviews, i found my first 4 leaf clover of the season, a sure sign that spring is on the way! so go get outside, enjoy a good breakfast and play some whiffle ball, break out the bocce and always, always drop by marden’s."

kathy & dave's

2008-03-30T15:58:00.001-04:00

dining date: 03.30.08
eatery: kathy & dave's on outer forest avenue next to the photo market
pricing category: upper side of cheap
guest critic: nada
overall grade: B+

the lowdown:
- we felt like we had pulled over on some road in oklahoma after church got out -- like we were on a road trip in some foreign land without any hipsters or people between the ages of 16 and 40.

- the decor was quaint and kitchy...sort of like if the christmas tree shop had a baby with sizzler.

- the food took longer than you would expect at a diner...so make sure you like the people you’re eating with, or bring a book.

- very attentive wait staff and there were frequent coffee refills.

- no need to ask for any condiments because every table had their very own selection of them...including a large bottle of mrs. butterworth’s syrup.

- question: what is it with diners and their weird pricing and silly surcharges?! i mean, this wasn’t as ridiculous as ecky’s-bay, but ridiculous nonetheless. $0.75 for peanut butter or salsa, $1.10 for 1/2 a grapefruit, but only $1.00 for a banana, and all of the specials were $7.15.

the food

the benny girl
- sausage and cheese omelette with a side of salsa, grilled italian toast, a few of w.t.’s homies, and hot chocolate with whipped cream
- grade: B+

"i wasn’t totally sure where this restaurant was as we ventured down forest avenue this morning, so i was quite surprised when we pulled into the parking lot of the former pat’s pizza. as i stepped through the door and saw the steamed up, curved, greenhouse-esque windows along the side of the building, i was immediately transported back to my middle school days when i would eat individually-sized pizzas with friends and drink a can of dr.pepper through a straw. ah, the good ol’ days -- before i knew any better about the crap that i was putting into my body. (not that the sausage i ate today was free-range and organic or anything). after my trip down amnesia lane, we were seated in an oasis of condiments. let me pause for a second to issue a warning...if you continue reading this review, you will soon learn all of my guilty little pleasures, as i ventured very far from my norm this morning. this was a very indulgent breakfast, i tell you. okay, continuing now. as i perused the menu, cravings came over me. i decided to forgo my staple item, (the tea), and order a hot chocolate with whipped cream. the usual and wild toast were aghast. but not as shocked as they were when i disregarded the eggs benedict on special and ordered an omelette. have you ever seen prelude to a kiss, or freaky friday? i think they thought that was what had happened to their ol’ buddy benny girl -- that an old man was trapped in my body and my soul was off in some nursing home somewhere eating poached eggs and hollandaise. but i was craving a mexican-style omelette for some reason...what can i say? and it was really good actually. the bite-sized chunks of sausage were plentiful and tasty and surrounded by lots of gooey, yummy, melty, cheese. i have to admit, sometimes i really like american cheese. the salsa was mediocre -- i’m guessing ortega or one of those ones that are made in "new york city!" i wasn’t exactly expecting fresh salsa with cilantro or anything, but it was still a little disappointing. and it came in a little plastic container, which was really wasteful. sprinkling the omelette with tobasco definitely helped to liven up the bland salsa. the homies that toasty gave me were really good -- grilled well with a nice consistency. oh, that was one complaint that i had -- i did not want to pay an additional $1.50 for homefries. how many times do i have to say that egg dishes should always come with homies?! if i ever hold a public office, that will be my first order of business. okay, now for the best part of the meal, and my biggest confession ever. sometimes i like fake syrup better than the real stuff. so i was extremely excited to see a big bottle of mrs. butterworth’s on our table. and was even more excited when the usual suggested that i put some on my grilled italian toast to make a poor man’s french toast (or should i say "freedom toast"?) it was really yummy...especially when i put some smucker’s strawberry jelly on there too. m’m, m’m -- gotta love that high fructose corn syrup. between that little dessert and the hot chocolate, i definitely was bouncing all the way to marden’s, where i then suffered a horrific sugar crash. but alas. so all was good this morning -- the breakfast was very good for a diner. if you find yourself on outer forest ave for some reason, then i would definitely recommend checking it out. and be sure to get the deep-fried homefries so you can tell us what they were like."

the usual
- 2 eggs over-hard, wheat toast, homefries and coffee
- grade: B

"there’s nothing quite like forest ave on a sunday morning. i don’t usually wake up with an intense urge to take on 18 traffic lights and weird lane changes, but today was different. i was ready for the kathy & dave’s experience. although the place was hoppin’ with the after-church crowd, we managed to get a table pretty quickly. our short wait gave us just enough time to breeze through the coffee news quiz and admire the wooden ’scramble on in’ chicken. (look right). our table was a little cramped, although once the three of us interlocked our knees underneath the table it was doable. i was pumped to see that each table had their own stubby ketchup bottle, a close second in design to my favorite, the ’sharpshooter’ bottle. i was not pumped however when i saw a woman at the table next to ours sticking her fork into the bottle. that’s just gross. if you really think you can’t POUR the ketchup, at least go for the old reliable knife technique. i mean, i thought that was a given. anyway. i was in the mood for the usual today, but was shocked to discover that it was not listed as it’s own entity. of course you could get 2 eggs and toast, or 2 eggs and a steak, but not the standard diner protocol of 2 eggs, toast and homefries. although i was disappointed, it really wasn’t that hard to order the eggs and toast with a side of homefries. i guess it’s more about the principle of it. coffee refills were frequent, though the coffee variety could have been kicked up a couple of notches. i don’t think anyone would actually choose to drink new england coffee if given the option not to. especially if he or she enjoys drinking coffee at all. on to the food. my eggs were fine, over-hard, though barely. they were fairly flavorless, but were fine with salt and pepper. the homefries were also a little on the bland side, but were nicely sized chunks that held together and weren’t overcooked. they were delicious once i seasoned them and dunked them into a lake of tasty ketchup. the toast was standard cheap ’wheat’ bread, which i tend to enjoy. the bottom piece however was sopping in some sort of grease that i squeezed out onto benny girl’s plate for effect. oh well, i was full anyway. overall, kathy and dave’s is a tasty and pretty inexpensive spot. there’s plenty of parking out back, and tons of friendly service to go around. so if you find yourself out on forest ave some sunday morning with a hankering for a delicious breakfast, head over to the bayou kitchen. but if the wait’s too long at bayou, check out kathy and dave’s, for some pretty good eats."

wild toast
-chili and cheese omelette, pumpernickle toast, homefries, and coffee
- grade: B+
"so my recent breakfast choices haven’t exactly been off the wall, or me "pullin’ out a wild card", so i decided that today, the finest the spring has offered, i’d shuffle the deck and call out to my loyal fans that i would go balls to the walls and get me some chili ’n cheese. thats right, i went with one of the specials. and you know what? it wasn’t half bad. the 3 egg omelette was bursting with cheesy splurges of yellow american cheese, nuzzled in with a pretty basic chili. i mean, i don’t think it was homemade chili or anything, but it was pretty good. And even an hour later, while roaming amongst liquidated lionel trains, discount durex rubbers (a scary offering which i would strongly caution against), and enormous bras that i originally thought were butterfly nets, i still felt pretty good. in addition to my chili omelette i had some homies that were ok. they certainly weren’t awesome, as they had no seasoning and could have been crisped a little bit but they were palatable...moreso than when i went to the restroom and walked in on an employee awkwardly standing in there, as if they were either hiding to avoid refilling more cups of bad coffee, or they were trying to hide the fact that they would rather have been in mardens hitting on the hungover employee, moving tacky flowered-old-lady-dresses-for-a-flight to see their grandkids and doesn’t realize airlines don’t give a darn whether you look nice because they won’t even give you a complimentary package of 3 pretzels, let alone consider it high class to be in a winged-metal-walrus full of wanna-be mile-high clubbers and large bellied older men who are destined to be sun-tanned and sucking in their bellies at the cabana with their cigars and martinis. and then this employee fumbled out the door and as i went in for a closer inspection i spied out that the sink was dry...and we all know what that means...so then i went back to my table and having already eaten most of my toast that was brushed with that oily mixture they keep on the grill (not my favorite toast topping) and having eaten my fill of all my other meal options, i luckily didn’t have to even try to eat anything. my sleuthing unveiled to my fellow reviewers, they were mildy horrified yet benny girl still managed to squeek down her sugar concoction of phony syrup, which apparently she prefers...don’t worry fans, some of us are still reputable food critics. so after watching a sweet train roll by as we were leaving i must have hit my food coma as i then ran a red light with a cop right behind me...he was apparently eating condiment sandwiches or something because he didn’t even notice. so anyway, as i strolled through mardens after the meal and enjoyed the model train collectors running around counters with arms filled with extra track and miniature hobos and trees, i thought to myself, kathy & dave’s wasn’t half bad."

bibo’s madd apple cafe

2008-03-23T15:53:00.000-04:00

dining date: 03.23.08
eatery: bibo’s madd apple cafe on forest near congress
pricing category: definately reasonable considering the options and quality
guest critic: non
overall grade: A

the lowdown:
- excellent service without much wait for the food.

- extensive menu of regular options, plus a whole sheet of specials, it was easter though...

- even though we didn’t have a reservation, we only had to wait 15 minutes for a table, not bad for a brunch-lovin’ holiday like easter.

- great atmosphere, cool artwork, this place is cooler than a split-level ranch.

the food

the benny girl
- vegetable benedict, homies, side of bacon, a third of a belgian waffle with whipped nutella and raspberry/mango compote, and tea
- grade: A

"sandwiched between a new thai restaurant and an art gallery, you might pass right by bibo’s madd apple cafe if you’re not looking for it. do not make this mistake. you would miss out on a fabulous culinary experience -- whether it’s morning or night. i was a little worried that there wouldn’t be any tables available -- it being the second biggest brunch-going holiday of the year and all (after st. patty’s day) -- and that we’d spend the whole morning going from one place to another, constantly being told that there was a 75 minute wait and we’d never get to eat. but bibo’s came through and told us that we could wait for a table that should be free in about 15 minutes. resisting the urge to stand at the window and stare in at the couple whose departure we were eagerly awaiting, we decided to instead stare through the windows of the gallery next door and enjoy the sunshine. 15 minutes later (almost to the second) we were seated in a cute little window seat. i was very impressed with the plethora of options on the menu and thought it was great that they give you the two-sided wine and drink list in the morning. (must be for all those people who are celebrating the end of their 6 week long, lent-induced sobriety). true to form, i went with one of the benedict options. not really wanting to spend a ton of dough, i sadly bypassed the benedict special that came with crab, bacon, avocado, and veggies, and went for the vegetable benedict with spinach and tomato. but then i got a side of bacon that i broke into little pieces to put on the benedict -- you know, the poor man’s version of the daily special, sans the avo crab. the benedict was really good with a practically perfect hollandaise. the spinach was a little much though. fortunately i could tell that it was made with fresh, not frozen, leaves...but it was a little too overcooked and mushy. i think that you should always put raw spinach on a benedict, since the heat of the eggs will wilt the leaves just the right amount. anyway...the bacon was plentiful (which was a nice treat) although a little dry. i loved the homies. you can read my compadres reviews for more deets on the taters...no need for unnecessary repetition. okay, get ready for the best thing you’ve ever vicariously tasted via review-reading. the waffle of the day. as you all know, i almost always favor the savor, but the one big exception to that rule for me is nutella. love the stuff so much. so when i saw that the waffle came with whipped nutella and a raspberry/mango compote (not to be confused with compost, which would not go well with nutella), i almost wet myself in excitement. fortunately, the dessert did not disappoint in the slightest, and was most certainly the highlight of the meal. splitting it three ways provided just enough of the tasty, decadent treat. and i have to say that the combination of flavors was brilliant -- the hazelnut chocolate, combined with the sweet, yet tangy, compote was amazing. oh, and the tea was good. i had to put the tea bag in the pot myself, but hey, at least there was a pot. this was a really great dining experience from the first bite to the last. all in all, way better than eating cadberry cream eggs for breakfast...hands down."

the usual
- spinach, tomato and goat cheese frittata, homefries, toast, waffle, coffee
- grade: A

"prior to today, i’d only eaten at bibo’s once, and that was dinner so it doesn’t count. (it was delicious though by the way). after settling into our spacious table by the window, i perused the extensive menu and was shocked to find myself unable to choose between all of the glorious options. i’m even willing to forgive them for not including ’the usual’ as it’s own option because the rest of the possibilities were just so imaginatively wonderful. plus, it’s easter, so i decided to kick it up a notch, you know, for jesus. i went with the frittata, despite a previous incident that wild toast had with this particular breakfast item (think scabby). the food arrived in good time, not too fast or slow, and in the meantime, i was rewarded with frequent refills on tasty coffee. my frittata was great, spinach and tomatoes nestled throughout, with a generous glob of goat cheese waiting happily on top. the homefries were a mix of sweet and russet-like potatoes. this isn’t usually my favorite in that sweet potatoes always get mushy before regular potatoes and contaminate the rest of the batch with their sweet smushyness. not the case with bibo’s, the sweetie’s held their own with the heartier variety and even managed to crisp a little on the edges. i think they may have been oven roasted, but regardless, they were flavorful and enjoyable. the toast was fantastic, one large slab of peasant-like bread with crispy crust. it even arrived with a charming little divided dish containing butter and jam. a-dorable. unfortunately, it didn’t come with ketchup and there was none on the table...always a bummer. once we asked for ketchup it came in a little dish, forcing me to control my intake and leave some for my fellow reviewers. not my favorite. but regardless, this wasn’t enough to lower bibo’s stellar performance in my book. oh, and i didn’t even mention the fantastic waffle that we split for dessert which i would have to say was one of the most delicious i’ve tasted. the raspberry/mango compote was not too sweet and added a lovely tang, and the nutella added a touch of something...oh i don’t know...perfect. all in all a great meal, and a nice experience. with a great intown location but an off-the-beaten-path feel, bibo’s is the perfect alternative to many of portland’s better-known establishments. don’t miss it."

wild toast
- traditional benedict, homefries, coffee
-grade: A

"while i didn’t search my house for easter eggs, or have an easter basket filled with fun stuff, i did enjoy a great meal on this fine sunny easter morning. going to bibo’s, without a reservation, we lucked out on this holy of days by getting a table in the window after a short wait outside in the sun. with a deep tan and smile on my face, i enjoyed the coffee and the brunch options. ordering a traditional benedict i was at first a little off-put because it seemed like my plate was missing something as i only got homefries with my benny. three-quarters of the way through my meal however, i decided that the amount of food was in fact perfect. perhaps a piece of bok choy or a radish would have been a nice addition to the presentation, but really my meal was quite good. the homies, which i believe were baked, were quite good with diced pieces of red pepper twinkling through the mix of sweet and white potatoes. the benedict was great, excellent hollandaise and perfectly poached eggs created the blessed runny seas for the shoals of my soul. and then there was tony’s across the street where you can get hair extensions, dreadlocks and a perm. you’ve gotta love the options, i mean if wasn’t already rocking a little bit of a fro i could totally dig hair extensions, especially right after humming around a great meal at bibo’s. so anyway, we also got the special waffle that was pretty awesome, with an amazing mango/raspberry compote which was definately more food than i needed, but it’s a holiday right? what would jesus do? look around for the easter bunny? or eat a lot of awesome food? you tell me. enough said. bibo’s brunch was totally an easter miracle."

brian boru’s st. patrick’s day breakfast

2008-03-17T15:49:00.001-04:00

dining date: 03.17.08
eatery: brian boru on center street
pricing category: reasonably priced...but only if you’re paying in pounds
guest critic: green eggs & sam
overall grade: C-

the lowdown:
- definitely an experience...a live band, green costumes everywhere, and extreme alcohol consumption -- all at 8:30 in the morning. if you weren’t irish already, this atmosphere would sure make you wish that you were.

- we’ve eaten dinner here before, so we do know that there is real silverware on site...so not sure what the plastic utensils were all about.

- we wish there had been lucky charms cereal on the menu. they probably would have made a killing with that.

the food

the benny girl
- breakfast sandwich (egg and cheese on a bulky roll), french fries, and guinness
- grade: C-

"let me start this review by saying that st. patty’s day is my very favorite holiday. i’m irish. okay, and scottish, english, german, and italian...but on march 17th, i celebrate that 1/8 of my blood that runs green. in spite of my love for this holiday, i’d never actually partaken in the traditional "guinness and eggs" breakfast that happens in a couple of eateries in town. when trying to choose between the various restaurants, i suggested going with the place that only serves breakfast on that one specific day. you know how they say that hindsight is 20/20? well, turns out that when in doubt, bypass the "once in a year" opportunity and opt for the place that actually has 365 days of practice in serving irish food. so i’d like to take this opportunity to publicly apologize to my fellow The Breakfast Club members, because i was the one pushing for us to go to boru. let me clarify. if you’re going only for the experience, then boru definitely gets an A+. it was unbelievably festive and the live music was great. and when else can you see people downing pints of guinness on their way to the office? but if you’re going for the food, then you should just eat guinness for breakfast. all the food was pre-made, so there were no options or substitutions. and when i say ’options,’ i mean you don’t even get to decide how you want your eggs cooked and you can’t add meat to your egg sandwich or even get it as a side dish. not too impressed with that. but i was even less impressed when i saw those rules come to life on the plate in front of me. ’pre-made’ clearly means ’stone cold.’ the egg and yellow slice of cheese were hard and solidified on a dry bun and it came with a side of french fries. (sidenote, after this breakfast sandwich and the one at vaughan street, i will NEVER get another egg sandwich on a bulky roll again). the guiness was good though. i mean, i guess if you’re comparing this breakfast to what you’d get in ireland, then it was pretty much on the mark. that’s why i was drunk the entire time i was in that country."

the usual
- "breakfast sandwich," fries, coffee and guinness
- grade: D

"so benny girl forced me to get up earlier on my day off than i do any other day of the week. apparently that’s how committed to breakfast i am. and st patrick’s day. i’m not irish, and to be honest, guinness isn’t my favorite beer. anyway, i went. of the TWO options presented on the menu, i went with the egg sandwich. irish breakfast is pretty much out if you don’t eat meat. plus the egg sandwich was much more reasonably priced at $5, seven bucks less than the irish meat plate. while i waited for them to give my meal a ten second nuke, i tried to reassure my stomach that it was completely fine with drinking beer and coffee simultaneously at 8:30 am on a monday...the food came. you know how it was: the hard overly bready roll, the cold egg slab. the solidified AMERICAN cheese, the golden FRENCH fries sitting awkwardly nearby, wondering, like myself, what time of day it was. i choked down most of the sandwich, some of the fries, all the while dreaming of rira, where everyone was probably dining on warm, steaming eggs cooked however they wanted them and dipping actual homefries in ketchup. and for that authentic st pattie’s day experience, i’m sure you can get guinness there too."

wild toast
- the "irish breakfast," consisting of eggs, toast, french fries, black & white pudding, rashers, sausage, coffee, and guinness
-grade: C

"so i should have painted myself green, or at the very least worn shamrock socks and doused myself in chromium man-scent. i was clearly undergreen. wearing a green shirt and green hoody was just enough not to get pinched, but still i felt like deformed 2 leaf clover in comparison to the colorfully green commotion that was brian boru at 8:30 am on st. patty’s day. hearing tales of hour-long waits for my authentic morning serving of guinness, we were pleasantly surprised when our guest reviewer had already situated himself at a table in the back of the first floor. so we were quickly served our guinness and coffee in paper cups (the first for a sit down breakfast, but its obviously not an every morning affair here at boru so i guess i’ll let that slide) in addition to the paper cups we were generously provided individually plastic wrapped plastic utensils, which hits close to home as my parents’ wedding "silver" was lovely plastic wear, some 30 years ago. unlike my parents’ diesel plastic ware, what i was provided with bent in half every time i tried to saw through a sausage link. which brings me to a crucial point of my review: what i ate. well, it being st. patty’s i had to go with the classic irish breakfast. and classic it was – authentically poor quality. there were no options in terms of how things were cooked, and there were really no awesome aspects of this meal, outside of the atmosphere of business-suit clad men downing a pint on their way to work, and the cheering and hum of music from upstairs. i mean, the guinness was good, and now i know that its probably the best beer option for 8:30 in the morning, certainly better than drinking a tall boy, which regretfully i know for a fact thanks to the morning after playing naked frisbee with many drunken and rambunctious friends…i could go on, but for the sake of all involved i won’t...so anyway, i was served french fries, that if you cut into small pieces sorta resembled homefries, and one half piece of toast, which was amusing. the black and white puddings were um…uninspiring? and the sausages, and bacon were totally awesome, if they could have been warm… at any rate, it was one meal out of my life, and it was an experience. the atmosphere itself was entertaining, so that’s good…right?"

green eggs and sam
"many apologies for my belated report to The Breakfast Club who so generously allowed me into their inner sanctum. [NOTE: this particular review was written after the fact]. i can only say this much: the secret society of The Breakfast Club is every bit as cloak-and-dagger as i had envisioned; so don’t be fooled, if you attempt to learn their secrets, they WILL kill you. D-E-A-D. my sad excuse for being so late is that two days after said breakfast i took a trip to the netherlands, catching a deadly bird virus on the airplane, and subsequently spent the following three-four weeks with a fever of a hundred and nine. seriously, if not for the marijuana tea, i don’t think I would have made it. my other excuse is that the breakfast itself was rather unremarkable. but, having spent a semester abroad in ireland, i was prepared for an unremarkable breakfast. chips (as in french fries) instead of home fries, canadian bacon (which in my opinion does not deserve the name bacon) instead of bacon bacon, beans, various sausages, runny eggs, all prepared with what i could only describe as indifference to flavor or heat. in that sense, the breakfast was authentic. what surprised me most (other than the lack of actual silverware) was that the bar did not smell like vomit - which is what usually deters me from eating lunch in-doors at boru. don’t get me wrong, i like the place, i’m a regular - i love their deck in the summertime and all the great local bands at night - but it IS a bar and usually smells like one. which brings me to my next point: i think the experience would have been much improved had we been able to get a seat upstairs, where it was strangely sunny, the band was playing, and the mood was becoming raucous to the point where you realized why they don’t give anyone real knives. i have no idea who the band was or where their fiddle player came from, but he looked like a cast member from ’gangs of new york’ - and he could play the fiddle while eating bangers and mash - truly a rare talent. in the end, i was not disappointed. clearly, the patty day breakfast at boru’s is more like a corporate picnic - a thinly veiled excuse to drink beer instead of work. which is a-ok with me."

ruski's

2007-12-09T15:43:00.004-05:00

dining date: 12.09.07
eatery: ruski's on danforth and clark
pricing category: cheap city
guest critic: captain ham-lette & hungover easy
overall grade: B

the lowdown:
- where else can you eat breakfast, play darts, and see people drinking miller high life before 11 am?

- very festive and well-decorated for this lovely holiday season.

- we were a little skeptical about eating breakfast in a dive bar, but the dim lighting, background hustle & bustle, and music made it feel very cozy.

- good, cheap beverages: $4.25 for a pint of bloody or a mimosa, and less than a buck for coffee and tea.

- the lieu was very cozy, homey, and didn't make you scared to get near the toilet seat.

the food

the benny girl
- veggie benedict with spinach & tomato, side of bacon, homies, bloody mary & tea
- grade: B

"i found out a few weeks ago that ruski's has benedicts on their menu, and i've been sort of nervous about today ever since. because obviously if there are benedicts on the menu, i need to order them…but i was definitely apprehensive to find out what kind of benedict i'd be served at a dive bar. what was placed in front of me was not as frightening as i had expected. i ordered the veggie benedict with a side of bacon, but was happy to see that their regular benny was served with "ham" – i give big props to places that don't serve canadian bacon. okay, so not that i was expecting zests and garnishes, but i have to say that the presentation of my food was really unappetizing. neither of my eggs were actually on an english muffin, there was a huge pool of hollandaise all over the plate, and large piles of soggy spinach buried my muffins. it was sort of a sloppy, thrown-together mess. fortunately, the food tasted a lot better than it looked. (and it looked infinitely better than my food at becky's did – i didn't throw up in my mouth at first glance this time.) i have to say though that i really wasn't a fan of the spinach – overcooked, frozen spinach is just not my thing for a plethora of reasons. but the tomatoes, hollandaise, and eggs made up for the wilty greens that i just ate around. the hollandaise didn't have a ton of flavor, but the consistency and was spot on and it definitely tasted good enough…sort of had an essence of gravy, for some reason, which made it quite nice for dipping the homies in. speaking of, the potatoes were okay. definitely needed salt, the texture was a little mealy, but they certainly weren't the worst in town. the bacon was very good – crispy, yet chewy with great flavah. oh, and i got quite a treat when i ordered my tea. despite the fact that captain ham-lette had her tea in a normal mug, the server brought mine in a glass one. how did the server at ruski's know that i LOVE drinking tea out of glass?! definitely the highlight of my morning. so yeah, overall a good experience and a lot better than you would expect from a dive bar. i would go back…even if just for the cheap bloodies."

the usual
- the "just enough"…a.k.a. the usual: 2 eggs, homefries & toast, coffee, and a bloody mary
- grade: B

"i have to say that i feel a little honored that ruski's decided that my favorite breakfast deserved a name of its own. 'the usual' really is 'just enough.' Anyway, having enjoyed alcoholic beverages at ruski's in the past, i couldn't pass up the chance to try the much-loved bloody marys. at $4.25 it was well worth the price and was the perfect compliment to the rest of my meal. the coffee was fine, though it took a few tries to get a refill. once my food arrived it took me a while to locate the measly pile of homefries tucked deviously underneath my toast. not a good sign for any fan of tasty taters in the morning. the homies themselves weren't good enough to warrant the minuscule portion. they weren't terrible though, which makes them pretty hard to write about as they had neither quality nor quantity on their side. my eggs were good. my toast on the other hand was not. yes, it's true that i do enjoy a little crispness in my breakfast breads. that being said, i also enjoy having plenty of butter to slather on to make up for the dryness. a situation involving burned toast and little to no butter is never satisfying. and that's exactly the situation i found myself in. despite having to power through dry, burned up toast and a couple of middle-of-the-road potato chunks, i would definitely go back. ruski's is that neighborhood bar where everyone dreams of belonging. the service is friendly and the food is decent, but the experience is perfect."

wild toast
- the "fill me up," consisting of eggs, hash, bacon, homies, rye, coffee, and blood
-grade: B/B-

"ru ru ru, shish boom bu, ish biblio-oh-en-do-en bobo-badi-adahin ruski ru! dribble on the festival of ruski's yallz, we finally did it! or should i say, benny girl finally decided we could. this fine establishment has been the bread and butter of my west end experience since my celebrity-swinger-couple had a baby named apple. so anyway, having heard tales of the miraculous bloody mary i had to try one. i must say it was a "q. bear" in the snow; a surprisingly punchy bevy. it didn't have the pizazz of a front room bloody but it grew on me. the atmosphere was surprisingly cheery for an alcohol blanched bar and the norah was as soothing as a cup of gypsy cold care. so i don't know how to go on. i'm a little blurry from the blood and a half and tired from saving a broken bird last night. my detox tea is comforting but that's not why i'm here. you, my trusty beloved fans, want to hear the facts, icy of hot. blood in coffee out friend. eggs are baller when their cooked. my huevos were all loosey-goosey on me, runny which I like but not when it's the whites that are splooging out on my homies. the toast, homies, and surprisingly hash were decent. ya know, it was basically what I expected. un-inspired but void filling. so anyway, i'd go again. not because it was a diamond in the rough, but because it was necessary. men with schlitz that put my coffee to shame, tough love."

captain ham-lette
- the "rise and shine"…two eggs, ham, homefries, toast, tea
- grade: B-

"so the last of my nine homefries wasn't exactly cooked enough and crunched a bit between my teeth. yes, i said, nine homefries. i counted. my wheat toast was burnt, and i traded one with the usual because the usual likes burnt toast. go figure. i was able to choose from a caddy of four jellies: orange marmalade, concord grape, strawberry and mixed fruit. it helped the toast go down. i ordered my eggs over medium, but i'd say they were about 30 seconds from that. still, that was fine, i like the yolk runny sometimes. the ham was a nice big slab, and i do like to slather a little maple syrup on it when the rest of my meal is finished….and the syrup, was, how shall i say, watery. glad i didn't order pancakes. i generally thought the food was good enough for a random sunday with friends. i wouldn't bring my mother here, but my sister, sure. i'd been in the joint before, for a few bud lights n such, but this was my first foray into its brekky menu. overall I'd say the experience was fine. nothing fancy. nothing was horrible. just fine. the prices made up for the mediocrity. total i owed $5.95 plus tax and tip. i left $9. lyle lovett and the old crow medicine show played in the background. the crowd was neighborhoody which i dig. it was cozy and low key – felt like a place they might have a lonely man walk by in a movie when he's feeling sad and down and looking inside at the warm and fuzzy lighting at people laughing and clinking glasses."

hungover easy
- the "hangover special": 2 eggs, hash, homies & toast, coffee, and water
- grade: B-

"slightly hungover on this sunday morning, i was really looking forward to hitting up ruski's with TBC. after moving out of the west end several years ago, being back in the hood gave me a good feeling inside. as the first one to arrive at a bar i've frequented many a times for dart playing and brewskies, i was surprised when i walked in and all the tables were taken. the clientele was mixed, young and old. i pulled up a seat at the bar and ordered a water. the dim lighting and joyous christmas decorations were comforting. after a few minutes a table opened. while waiting (nearly a half and hour! thanks to benny "princess," i'm told and believe) i took in my surroundings. loved the slew of 30 something men in the corner drinking miller high life and the man on the phone in front of me confessed his hangover this morning to the person on the other end. he was obviously feeling better since in front of him sat a half-full bud light or maybe that was his cure this morning. slowly the group began to arrive and the coffee, tea and bloody mary's began to flow. after looking over the menu, the hangover special was calling my name (for obvious reasons.) but i was feeling skeptical about the hash-never had it before "do i even like hash?" i asked myself. i went for it anyway. while waiting for the food, i drank several cups of coffee-which i deemed decent, strong enough and not watery. both the large cup of water and coffee, and of course friends and laughter were excellent hangover cures. but the hash-yes-the hash- was my cure all this morning and the best part of my meal: salty and filling. the rest of my breky, not so good. my eggs were over easy-just as i ordered them-but were lukewarm at best and by the time i got to the second one it was totally cold. i'm not really a big fan of homies so the fact that there were only 6 on my plate didn't bother me too much. but the one i did eat was undercooked and pretty flavorless. the yolk from my eggs made my toast bearable. brown on one side and burnt on the other, it was very dry and dipping (my favorite part of breakfast) really didn't help. so why a B- you ask? this is ruski's after all, an establishment that is primarily meant for drinking beer and gathering with friends-and besides the hash, that was the best part of this experience."

francisco's blue house café

2007-11-04T15:39:00.000-05:00

dining date: 11.04.07
eatery: francisco's blue house café on way outer brighton avenue
pricing category: one of the more expensive restaurants we've been to, but definitely worth it
guest critic: nada…just the three of us today
overall grade: A

the lowdown:
- for you "peninsula purists," you should know that this place is WAY off the peninsula (can you say practically westbrook?)

- the small interior is quite intimate and cozy, but with only 6 tables you should get there early or prepare to wait for a bit

- the service: 37 > blue house > 6.2 (good and attentive)

- very extensive menu – including irish coffee!!

- where else in portland advertises catered pig roast parties?

- the tables are decorated with mismatched placemats and cloth napkins – a creative and eclectic (and not wasteful) touch…they could use some cooler mugs however

the food

the benny girl
- avocado, crabmeat & bacon benedict, homies, and tea
- grade: A

"i woke up with a bit of a stomach ache this morning, so the idea of dining at a greasy spoon was not all that appealing to me. so when wild toast suggested that we knock the blue house café off our list, i immediately had to look their menu up online to make sure that my stomach could take it. i am aware that "café" is not usually synonymous with "greasy spoon," but considering some portlanders think "becky's" is synonymous with "tasty" i just had to be sure and look for myself. i began salivating as soon as i saw their extensive brunch menu and knew before i even showered that i would be eating the avocado, crabmeat & bacon benedict in a mere hour's time. i have to admit, when we got there and i looked at the menu more closely, i almost wavered on my choice…but for the integrity of my namesake, i decided to stick with my gut instinct. i couldn't have been happier with my choice. okay, i could have been happier if the hollandaise had a little more flavor, but it was pretty damn close to perfect. the eggs were poached just right, and the combination of flavors was pure genius. have I mentioned that bacon is my favorite food group, with avocado and crab being a close fifth and ninth respectively? and then there were the homies…oh, the homies. homie, homie, yummy homie. seriously, these were some of the best grilled taters that i've had since the inception of the breakfast club. yes they were well-seasoned, but the best part was that they were actually cooked. do you hear that you chefs at becky's, front room, and most importantly hot suppa (i refuse to include the stupid exclamation point)? yes folks, home fries are supposed to be cooked and grilled and potentially even crispy. the blue house gets my vote for the best homies and i think other portland eateries could take a lesson from this out of the way café. so there you have it – the blue house basically kicked ass and i would recommend that anyone make the trek out there to check them out. and you can shop at marden's after! so what kept this café from getting an "A+" you ask? as you may have guessed from me, the tea presentation wasn't up to par. how many times do i need to say that the proper presentation of tea is in a pot, NOT handing a customer a mug of hot water and a tea bag? sheesh. but i was willing to overlook this faux pas because the rest of the meal was just that good."

the usual
- eggs florentine with tomato and spinach, homefries and coffee
- grade: A

"ok, so i've been straying from 'the usual' a lot recently. but sometimes i get a little a LITTLE tired of it, especially when my cohorts get to basically order whatever they feel like. i can't always be constricted to a couple of eggs, some potatoes and some toast week after week. sometimes i yearn for something more. like today. the menu at the blue house is just such a glorious thing to behold, double sided, with a cleverly named "unch" section with a few selections for the losers who prefer the midde meal of the day. it won me over and i got the florentine, a decision that i certainly wouldn't regret. my coffee took a little while to arrive, but this might be due to the table switcheroo we pulled as we made room for a larger party. from our new table, i had a lovely view of the marden's renovations, (i can't believe they got rid of the castle theme) and of busy brighton ave. the coffee was tasty and included bottomless refills, a sure sign of a classy establishment. the food was a little slow to the table, but was utterly worth the wait. my eggs were poached just the way i asked (un-runny), and sat proudly atop perfectly ripe tomatoes, wilted spinach and english muffins. the hollandaise was fine, i'm no connoisseur of the stuff (like some people), but it did the trick. i wish there had been a tad bit more to slosh my english muffin tidbits around in, but that's ok. the homefries were superb. i'm fairly certain that they reign supreme in portland, at least so far. they were well-cooked, a little crispy and seasoned to perfection. there was even a little spice thrown in. my bunch had a few hardened crackles of potato bits in the mix, but that's a small price to pay for fabulous fries. the blue house really wowed my socks off. i would venture to say that i had no idea what to expect from a tiny blue ramshackle house tucked in next to one of the least scenic/grossest roads in portland. but i didn't expect perfection, and that's darn near what i got."

wild toast
-blue house scramble, marble rye, bacon, homefries, coffee, and mimosa
-grade: A

"feeling a little parched from last weeks red sox victory i decided to order a spray of bevies and upped the ante by ordering myself a mimosa, in addition to the common coffee and wawa. while i knowingly ordered a small one, i was a little disappointed when it was as meager as it was. for the same thing back at the good egg i could have had twice the amount and three times the options. anyway, i was happy in the end with my $4 mimosa as i sipped it til the end. changing seats, i was pleased to see that marden's was in my view; a constant reminder that when in doubt go to mardens. if you need expired fruit snacks or size 58 x 82 carhartt overalls you can be sure marden's is the place to go. you can find garden hoses, feminine hygiene products from the 70s, chex mix flavors never even sold to the general public, self tanning cream that i bought for my favorite, albeit pale, hungarian friend. you can even find a cute dingy elephant sponge! across the street i sipped my coffee and waited for my meal to arrive. i decided to pull out a wild card and tossed it on the cloth-clad table and ordered myself a wicked tasty scramble. with portabellas, tomatoes, onions, asiago, spinach, and pesto served on a bed of scrambled eggs, this meal started off great. quickly i found the homies to be astounding. they were better than anything becky's could come up with and probably better than anything you could find at marden's. they were everything a potato aspires to be. loved, cooked, crispy and soft, hot and starchy – everything i personally strive to be…i kid, i'd rather not be that soft, but that's a personal preference. in fact, i'd rather be like the baller pesto that topped my eggs. freshly made by an italian legion of basil choppers, garlic farmers, and pine-nut pickers, it really made the meal. i strongly urge my readers to go out of their way and tickle the tables of francisco's. four trips to the town of tasty bacon strips later, i sat eyeing the remains of my meal, admitting to myself that I really didn't need the last 2 pieces of marble rye that sat silently on my plate. this i will note was one of the only mildly disappointing factor of my meal. everything, from the chicken farm to the plate, the bubbly to the homies, was awesome, except for the toast. it was standard. that is all. while this was the case, it is not the note i'd like to end on. this ruby in the rough, is a place i will surely go again, perhaps even the next time i head out for new curtain rods at marden's…"

becky's diner

2007-10-14T15:34:00.002-04:00

dining date: 10.14.07
eatery: becky's diner on commercial street
pricing category: sort of expensive for a plate of shit
guest critic: mamamimosa
overall grade: D+

the lowdown:
- becky's seems to be the most well-known breakfast establishment in portland, attracting everyone from lobstermen, to college students, to families…so prepare to wait when you go there.
- like cilantro, people either love the food at becky's or think it tastes like dish soap.
- the recent facelift might have provided more parking spaces, but it makes this wharf-side fisherman's hangout look a bit more like an insurance agency.
- this diner is somewhat lacking in atmosphere and personality…reminiscent of a hospital cafeteria
- the menu states multiple times that you get only one free refill of coffee…err what?
- speaking of the menu…this joint has more surcharges than bank of america. for example, tack on an additional:
• 10¢ for raisin toast
• 20¢ for an english muffin
• 25¢ for homefries
• 50¢ for two packets of honey
• $1.00 for each extra egg
• 50¢ for egg beaters
• $1.75 for real maple syrup
• 15¢ if you're a sucker for hazelnut coffee instead of regular
- there is a peculiar seating system. we have a hunch that the random seeming number that they give you is actually a table number, and that you are basically waiting for that particular table to leave. what happened to just seating people in order of when they arrived?

the food

the benny girl
- commercial street sandwich: egg, cheese, bacon, and tomato on an english muffin, homies, ½ a blueberry pancake, and tea
- grade: D

"let me start this review by saying that i effin hate becky's. but in the interest of unbiased journalism, we had to review it at some point. the experience actually turned out to be quite perfect – i was given plenty of material to write about, without having to actually eat the disgusting slop on my plate or pay for my meal. that's right folks – add another tally to the "free meals that benny girl's been given because of inferior quality" list! clearly, becky's is not the kind of establishment that would be classy enough to have eggs benedict (and actually, they state quite clearly on the menu that they won't poach eggs), so i had to go with the closest thing on the menu – an egg sandwich on an english muffin. as soon as it arrived in front of me, i threw up in my mouth a little at the mere sight of it. the homefries were a mushy pile of boiled and unseasoned potatoes. the yellow cheese was solidified on the egg under strips of greasy bacon. but it was the english muffin that really turned my stomach…it was an odd shade of gray and was literally spongy with grease from the grill (just ask the usual because i made her touch both halves). i love this column, but even juicy writing material wasn't enough of a motivator to actually put that muffin in my mouth. so i asked our server for a new one and she offered to give me one that's toasted instead of grilled. from my spot in the booth, i could see the toaster perfectly as i forced down homies drowned in ketchup. thousands of pieces of bread went through the toaster…but no english muffin. about 15 minutes later, my egg, bacon, and cheese had all turned hard and cold, and the server brought the check – NOT the muffin! about 2 minutes later she realized that she had forgotten it and brought it over, but i told her that the sandwich innards were way too cold to eat at that point. she took the item off the bill (BOOYAH!) and let me keep the new english muffin. so i left becky's with only tea, potatoes, and half a pancake in my belly. but that's okay, because if i'd eaten the sandwich, i'd probably have left with nothing in my belly because i'd have puked in the parking lot. i would have aimed my vomit at the annoying PDA couple in the parking lot, who "middle school slow-danced" for about 40 minutes, unable to let go of each other. i will say, however, that the tea and the pancake were both good. that's what kept becky's from getting an F from me. so there you have it. i am so glad that that review is behind us so i never have to set foot in that overly-hyped diner ever again."

the usual
- 2 eggs, toast, add homefries for extra, coffee and ½ a blueberry pancake
- grade: C

"okay, so i didn't go into this place with an open mind. well, i did the first 2-3 times i went in, but by this time, my mind was fairly well made up that becky's is the most overrated breakfast spot in portland. reading that statement will probably promote one of two reactions: a) elation: you are pumped because someone has finally given becky's the smackdown it deserves or b) rage: you are boiling mad at the very thought of someone disparaging the diner of your dreams. if you fall into the "b" category, you are wrong. after 40 minutes of waiting around outside, (becky's is awfully popular) we made our way through the blindingly white room to our table. the walls glistened beneath the florescent lights, and a lone flat screen tv served as the only decoration. i perused the menu, only to find myself instantly distracted by the first paragraph listing becky's rules and regulations regarding substitutions (see "the lowdown" section). i felt the net of conformity tighten as i realized that becky's is not about what you CAN do, it's all about what you CAN'T. i placed my order with our friendly server, but my mind continued to wander. would she wait until i reached to bottom of my mug to give me my one and only free refill? would a top-off/warm-up go down in my chart as a full refill? only time would tell. despite the busy-ness of becky's, i will say that the food arrived very quickly. i dug in, not expecting greatness, but hoping (uselessly) that the food would be decently good, on par with portland's other diners. as you can probably imagine at this point it was not…my eggs were pretty mediocre and definitely cold by the time they reached the table. The toast was dry, probably grilled and dashed with a tiny bit of butter or grease, but certainly not enough to make it delectable as toast should be. it didn't come with any extra butter and there was none on the table. i would guess that there is at least a 50 cent surcharge on any butter beyond the initial skimpy amount, so i made due with what i was given. the potatoes were a sorry excuse for homefries in a country with decent stockpiles of salt, pepper, and most other spices. i've heard rumors that they come from a can, and though i find that hard to believe, i think potatoes from a can would probably taste an awful lot like them. these homies taste like boiled starch blobs that crumble away tastelessly in your mouth leaving you alone with the ketchup and the taste of your own bitterness. none of it was very good. i couldn't finish it. i will say the pancake was tasty, it had plenty of butter and was a nice consistency. yippee. so to those of you who love to hit up becky's for those lazy sunday mornings, climb out of your rut. reward yourself with a new experience at one of portland's many superior breakfast spots. you won't be disappointed.

wild toast
-spinach omelet with cheese, rye toast, homefries, coffee
-grade: D+ (there's nothing plus about this)

"becky's, becky's, becky's… so here we go, let us all hold hands, toss salt over our shoulders, and throw caution to the wind. we arrived with one thing on our minds. is this "new and improved" becky's (who is becky?) going to be better than the poor excuse for the eggs and toast of yesteryear? or is it going to live up to the sub-par, inexcusable existence of its last carnation. friends, let me be the first to say, tie your laces together and hopscotch away, and by that i mean spend your hard earned moola somewhere else. i am begging, pleading, exfoliating my triumphant and eclectic regards, i implore you, as you are self-respecting, conscientious, able minded/bodied souls, DO NOT GO TO BECKY'S. it's not worth the crappy food, it is not worth the free bumper sticker, or the 40 minute wait you are destined to suffer in the purgatory of the line. anyway, our waitress, let's call her candace for the moment, was nice. candy didn't charge us for the refills of joe, which i believe is the new standard (ridiculous) and she also brought a local hot sauce when asked, and overall, (aside from benny girl's fiasco) was quite pleasant. my terrible cup of coffee arrived and a short time later our meals appeared. this, i am willing to admit, is one good thing, the food arrives very quickly. however, this doesn't mean much. if when you receive your food you expect some marvelous, seasoned, inspired morsels of food-bits, then you should jog down to the local save-a-lot, and peruse the shelves of canned beans, cajun fungal creams, red hot whisker wads, and swiss-made-ham-jellies. my spinach and cheese (whiz) omelet was truly a depressing meal. watery, yellow, and bland, the powdery pepper couldn't punch up the ego of this eggy mire. the homefries were not really even worth mentioning, but for my fans i'll note that they were bad. if you'll go for a walk down memory lane with me, let us arrive at 3rd grade when we all got to try dehydrated ice-cream sandwiches. do you recall the excitement, the caged and hyper stomach pangs of yearning? then you sink your teeth into the styrofoam card of disappointment and cringe back as you feel ashamed and deformed and realize that you are actually sitting in becky's paying for a pile of dismay. so…my toast wasn't very good either. i would urge my dear friends (that's you) not to go becky's.

mamamimosa
-3 eggs over medium, homies with chedda, tomato and broccoli, wheat toast, coffee & H2O
-grade: D+

"first off, mimosas were not on the menu. ugh. but I WANT ONE! i could have had a bud, miller, or even a shipyard, but no mimosa. so i opted for a water and coffee. the water came large and cold but the coffee left me slightly on the sleepy side. however, i was pleasantly surprised when the waitress provided no hesitation as i ordered my homies with chedda, tomato and broccoli. "that sounds good!" she chirped. my hopes were dashed when the meal arrived a little too quickly. if they had left my eggs on the griddle just a dite longer, they would have shown up over-medium as opposed to barely over easy…..the yoke broke on the way to the table spilling onto my toast……i want to apply the yoke to the toast…...gag me with a boiled potato covered spoon! about those potatoes. the formerly beautiful little irish bundles of starchy goodness were boiled giving them a slimy texture. bad news. the broccoli was cooked well but the tomato was diced so small it may as well not have been there at all. if i ever am looking for a breakfast monkeys could cook, i will head back to this fine establishment. no offense to the monkeys."

bayou kitchen

2007-04-22T15:27:00.003-04:00

dining date: 04.22.07
eatery: bayou kitchen in woodfords corner
pricing category: very reasonably priced -- especially for the quality of food
guest critic: none
overall grade: A

the lowdown:
- tucked away in it's own little spot, this place is a diamond in the rough.
- warm, diner-but-classy atmosphere.
- service was superb.
- bathroom was excellent, good lock, very clean and fun cause you get to go downstairs.
- seating is a tough commodity at bayou, with 6 tables, a counter and no place to wait, be prepared to amuse yourself for a bit if you go on a busy sunday.
- the stools at the counter could have used some sort of foot bar or step for those of us who are shorter and don't have legs that easily reach the floor.
- good, classic music playing.

the food

the benny girl
- the "mudbug something or other" omelette (but a scramble instead), homies, blueberry cornbread, and 1/3 of a ginger chocolate chip pancake, and tea.
- grade: A+

"i really love the bayou kitchen. this portland legend is tucked into woodfords corner, and is well worth the trip to the deering highlands of portland. plus, it's just a really unique place-- i wouldn't go so far as to say that you feel like you've been transported to louisiana when you walk in, but it's definitely unlike any other place in portland. when i first looked at the menu, i was feeling pretty unadventurous and was just going to get the usual. but then i decided that if i'm going to eat a cajun breakfast, then i need to be a little crazy. so i ordered a scramble with crayfish, cheddar, and salsa. instead of toast i opted for the blueberry cornbread based on our server's recommendation. all i have to say is that everything i ate was amazing. i wish i had a rumen like a cow so i could've eaten everything on my plate. there were a TON of little crayfish tails in my scramble. the homemade salsa was delicious and added the perfect flavor to the eggs-- slightly spicy with a ton of garlic. the homies were made with all red potatoes (a huge plus) and were seasoned with cajun goodness-- they had some spice, but not too much. i know this contradicts my review of local 188, but the spiciness just worked better at bayou. i can't really explain it. it was just the right flavor, without overpowering the food. the blueberry cornbread was delicious-- buttered and grilled. m'm, m'm! although i was too full to eat a lot of it, the ginger chocolate chip pancake was great and the perfect way to end the meal. when i ordered tea, the server brought me a mug, a pot of hot water, and a basket of tea to choose from. LOVE IT! speaking of our server, the service was great overall. we sat at the counter, so we had a front row seat for 'behind the scenes at the bayou kitchen' and got to watch the laid-back, down-to-earth staff. they had great 'diner attitudes' and enjoyed bantering with us. in fact, they said 'fuck' twice in conversation with us. they were friendly, funny and real. i.e. they were totally themselves-- not kissing our asses just to get the 20%. in fact, we all liked them so much, we gave 30%. so, moral of the story: next sunday, venture off the peninsula, sit at the counter at the bayou, and be daring when you order. i guarantee you won't regret it."

the usual
- "the swamp" omelette (broc, peppers, onions, toms, mushrooms, ched) homies, blueberry cornbread, coffee, ginger chocolate chip pancake
- grade: A

"the bayou is tiny and therefore difficult to get a table without the exact right timing. with all of the 6 tables filled when we arrived, we decided the counter would be fine. and although my butt was killing me from the stool that was too tall for me, it was totally worth it. after perusing the menu for quite some time, we ordered, though not without the help of our wonderful server. she recommended the blueberry cornbread (the plain was a little dry that day) and helped us choose from the wide variety of pancake options. as we waited, our coffee was refilled almost as fast as we could drink it and we were entertained by the staff behind the counter as we watched them seasoning homefries and cutting cornbread. our food arrived in lightning speed. my swamp omelette was one of the most gigantic i've had, more like a burrito, with no skimping on fillings. perfect ratios of egg, cheese and veggies pleased my tastebuds awake as i chowed down on the swamp. add a little homemade salsa for spice and i was pleased as a pickle. the cornbread was phenomenal, with or without butter. the homefries were dare-i-say perfect. they use red potatoes which hold their form better and look pretty on the plate, a rare but delicious change. they didn't even need salt or pepper. wow. impressive. this is one of the few breakfasts that i couldn't finish due to its humongous size. the small amount of pancake i had was fantastic-- full of ginger and amply sprinkled with chocolate chips. and really there isn't much more to say-- the bayou doesn't skimp on anything: flavor, portion, or service, making it a front-runner in the race for the best of the best in portland. and did i mention that it was delicious?"

wild toast
-huevos rancheros, homies, coffee, communal pancake
-grade: A

"arriving on time, two of us waited at the bar for benny girl to show. offered coffee for the wait, a friendly waitress brought a couple mugs on over. hoping to get a true table we kept our eyes peeled for one of the three tables large enough for 3 dining adults to empty. it didn't happen but we found it quite entertaining to chat with the stellar wait staff and cook as they enjoyed their busy mornings. continued top-offs of our coffee set the stilt-village reminiscent fare in a good light. our friendly benny girl showed up and we looked over the menus. with options ranging from granola pancakes to crawfish and kielbasa i asked our very attentive waitress for a recommendation. the jovial cook leaned over and requested at least a little bit of a challenge, so i tried. the best i could do was the huevos rancheros. our meals arrived and i was quickly satisfied as i dove into my black bean-filled quesadilla with sour cream and salsa and two over-easy eggs perched on top. mmm...very tasty bites for sure. as it was a huge meal and we had ordered a chocolate chip and ginger pancake for dessert, there was no chance of me taking the whole meal down. ice water and coffee remained a constant and once finished i felt very full and good. i would definitely like try some of the more 'bayou' type selections, that is why we have a next time. i thought for the bang of one's buck this great little joint was awesome. the service was fun and the whole experience a treat!"

local 188

2007-04-15T15:22:00.003-04:00

dining date: 04.15.07
eatery: local 188 in longfellow square
pricing category: not cheap but not expensive either.
guest critic: annanna pants
overall grade: B

the lowdown:

- good location, which doesn't really matter anymore because they're in the process of moving
- funky, eclectic atmosphere
- note that this restaurant has a "spanish flare"…keep that in mind when you're deciding whether or not to give this place a shot
- local 188 also serves dinner

the food

the benny girl
- huevos rancheros, homies, and tea
- grade: B

"when we first arrived at this funky little restaurant, there were signs everywhere saying that the restaurant was closing for business that day. we were very grateful that we chose that day to go – imagine if we'd missed our chance to review it! but then we kept reading the sign, and it said that the restaurant was only closing for a month because it was moving locations. suddenly the day didn't feel quite as special anymore. so there's nothing on the 188 menu that resembles a benedict. in fact, the menu is pretty limited. so i decided to be adventurous and order the huevos rancheros. beans, cheese, fried eggs, and salsa on top of corn tortillas, with a side of homies. they were pretty good, although i remembered after the first bite that i don't love corn tortillas…so that tainted my meal a bit. not that it's 188's fault that i don't like corn tortillas, but i definitely enjoyed my meal less because of it. anyway…so the meal was really good – a little too spicy for my liking, but good. i'm sort of a "delicate little flower" when it comes to my tummy, and the spiciness was a little much for my first meal of the day. the homies were well-cooked, but again a little too spicy. if they toned the spice down a bit, the meal would have been great. but i'm sure those of you less wussy people with iron stomachs will really enjoy it. so the food was really good, but the service was not. i mean, it wasn't awful by any means – she was just really unattentive. the other server working there that day did more for us than our server did. and the one cool thing about local 188 is that they bring you a little plate of fruit and muffin pieces before your meal…our server forgot to do this, and actually, this was my second time going to 188 in a week, and the service was pretty bad both times. (take note: if you ever decide to order one pancake to accompany your meal, make sure you specify that you want it with your other food. otherwise, you might get it as an appetizer while you wait 25 minutes for the rest of your meal. don't ask.) here are a couple of other things to note about 188: great atmosphere, cool art, and an open kitchen you can sit in front of. a plus. no bacon or sides of any kind on the menu. a minus. great location on longfellow square. neither plus nor minus because they're moving. thus, a moot point. the food was all really salty. another minus. they make creative "pancakes of the day" the size of your head. another plus. so if you like food with "kick," you don't care about good service, and you enjoy eclectic décor, then check out local 188 when it reopens. otherwise, stick to longfellow square and just go to uffa! – guaranteed to be great! oh, and the tea experience was mediocre."

the usual
- two eggs over-hard, homies, english muffin, and coffee
- grade: B

"a parade of ecstatic reviews flew through my head as i trudged through the rain to this well-beloved eatery: "ooh, 188 is the best…it's so delicious…blah blah, etc…." so i was excited, despite the weather. after grabbing a nice large table, we noticed the signs proclaiming their last day in this location. they're moving from their cozy spot, nestled between uffa! and cunningham books – interesting. anyway…i wasn't in the mood for anything wild and crazy this morning, so the usual it was – with english muffin instead of toast. our food arrived fairly quickly, but in the meantime we were left hanging as we stared into the deep abyss of our empty coffee cups. our server hung back in a corner as I glowered into the caffeine-free existence of my mug. long minutes passed before our cups were refilled – not by our waitress, mind you – but by another who happened to notice our predicament. also, i'd like to note that the coffee itself wasn't even really worth the wait. at one time, it may have been a decent cup – but by the time it hit my tongue, it was pretty sub-par for an establishment like this. so the food arrived and looked tasty. i bit into my english muffin with high hopes – only to be brought back to earth as the lovely flavor of bready nooks and crannies was over-powered by salt. closer examination confirmed my fears – large crystals of salt topped both halves. who does that? if someone really wants an extremely salty english muffin for breakfast, i think they would ask for one. intense. i turned my attention to my eggs, only to find the same situation repeating itself. after bite #2, it was difficult to continue as my mouth was filled with salt, salt, salt. had something gone tragically wrong in the kitchen? did the top fall off the shaker? did the cook have a strange immunity to extreme salting? i guess we will never know. i'd like to think it was a fluke, as i'd never heard of this problem before. i attempted to alter the salty powers by adding pepper, only to find my efforts thwarted by a clogged shaker. huff. oh well. the homefries were the shining stars of the meal, as they were not exceedingly salted. They were well-seasoned and thoroughly cooked without being mushy. so good job on that one 188. overall, i wouldn't be adverse to trying this place again in their new set-up. Perhaps there was just something in the air on this particular day. maybe salt."

wild toast
- 2 eggs over easy, homies, toast and coffee
- grade: B-

"i ran naked through the rain in hopes of rehydrating my parched bodice. let me explain. i went into this meal with high expectations. was i satisfied? was i enthralled? these are just two of the myriad of questions my lovely fans must be asking themselves. would local 188 with its charm and chivalry live up to its neighbor uffa! or would it crumble by the wayside, or should i mumble err...bintliff's. seated at a retro, chrysler of a table, i squeezed my knees into the awkward-legged giant table. with coffee that was maybe a little burned we ordered our meals. my eggs and friends arrived while my neglected mug of coffee sat empty and sad. oh what a mournful state for a mug, its aspirations so high, then to fall to such lows as the depth of emptiness. burn. infrequent refills. not cool. my homemade english muffin was probably the best part of the meal. with sprinkled salt of the sea glimmering back at me, this bready circle was toast-tasty. moving on to the eggs, i could have sworn i entered the morton's salt factory storeroom feeling as though i had willingly opened my mouth to the depths of the saltlake. i was a slug in salt, a plant shrivelled by an overdose of sodium. white sodium mountains raged my mind. a cold sweat broke out and death was at my door. holy crap guys, seriously contain your salt-spewing hankerings. tramatized, the 70% water of my body soon became parched and a cracked earth took over my soul. did i mention my eggs were salty? my homies were a little better, but i think i blacked out from my sodium overdose or something. the service wasn't very good either. overall i was really not impressed. what are you gonna do?

ananna pants
- scrambled eggs with mushrooms, spinach and goat cheese
- grade: A-

"after a failed attempt at another restaurant on a rainy sunday morning, it was wonderful to walk into local 188 and sit down right away. i was surprised to find that it was the last breakfast that they were serving in that location (the restaurant will be reopening at a congress street location in the summer). i am so glad that i had a chance to go one more time before they close. i love the atmosphere, or perhaps decor, of the place. it doesn't feel really breakfast-y but i really like the brick walls and the somewhat intense artwork. they have mis-matched chairs and tables and various dishes that seem like they came from a flea market. i guess none of this matters because the restaurant is no longer there, but if it were i would highly recommend it. i must admit that, although i can be picky about certain things, i am not usually a harsh food critic. i don't go out to breakfast very frequently so it is a delightful treat when i do. and this one definitely was. i admit that coincidentally i had been to local 188 the week before and had one of those meals that was unexpectedly perfect. because it was so good last time, i ordered the same thing --scrambled eggs with spinach mushrooms and goat cheese. this came with home fries and toast. it was just as good the second time. so delicious. the toast seemed to have been salted, which was a bit strange, but like i said in this case i'm not too critical and i can over look the saltiness ( i usually don't like really salty things) because over all the meal was just about perfect, again. aside from the ever troublesome dividing of the bill the only other thing that was disappointing was that when i went the week before the server brought a small dish of fruit and pieces of muffin and i really loved having a breakfast appetizer. for some reason they didn't do that this week. alas. and alas, what could have been my new favorite breakfast place (as long as they had my scramble and the mystery of finding out what the pancake of the day was) will never be, at least until they open again."

the good egg

2007-04-08T15:15:00.000-04:00

dining date: 04.08.07
eatery: the good [easter] egg on middle street
pricing category: very reasonably priced -- especially for the quality of food
guest critic: mamamosa
overall grade: A

the lowdown:
- the best two-for-one deal in portland: the good egg by day, pepperclub by night.
- warm, sunday morning atmosphere -- it's always very "brunchy" in there. very roomy with lots of seating, so you don't feel like you're on top of each other.
- service was superb.
- bathroom was nice and not at all gross -- although a little too dim and you don't always feel like you can trust the lock.
- they had a bowl of free dove chocolate eggs for the taking -- love it! and they always sell packages of pancake mix and cinnamon roll kits. in fact, they do fundraisers for nonprofits with those kits...very cool.
- although the hand-made menus are a nice and creative touch, we artists in TBC might recommend opting for lamination over mod podge. just a thought...

the food
the benny girl
- vegetarian eggs benedict, homies, bacon, peach mimosa, and tea.
- grade: A (service: A++)
"first of all, happy easter to all of our adoring fans. thank you for taking the time out of your holiday to read our review. since it's a special occasion, we all decided to have a little bubbly with our breaky. i chose the peach mimosa, which was great! the good egg already has a very extensive menu [note: the menu is two-sided...don't make the same mistake that wild toast did!], but this morning they also had a separate list of specials. i went with the veggie benedict and was very happy that it came with asparagus -- an unusual, but welcome touch. one thing that did not make me very happy was that the benedict did not come with homies -- a sneaky ploy by "the man" to squeeze more money from ya. everyone knows that homies and eggs go together like burt & ernie, peanut butter & jelly, and jack & coke, so obviously people will pay the extra $2 for said combination...i was one such sucker this morning. i also paid an additional $2 for bacon. the benedict was great -- very good hollandaise and the homemade english muffin was more like toast, which i really liked. the eggs were a little undercooked though. the chef probably got too confused by the "poached HARD" request by my compadre the usual. the bacon was nice and thick and tasty and the homies were quite good -- a little soft, but bursting with seasoned, peppery goodness. overall, the food at the good egg was really great and i definitely enjoy eating there. the best part of the experience this morning was by far the service. little scooter (or cricket?) was very nice and accommodating -- let us move to the back booth and got our extensive drink order all straight. at the tender age of 15, he has yet to learn the correct ratio of champagne to juice, but our server caite remedied that problem immediately. she was fabulous -- friendly, personable, adorable, and great at her job. and i liked her earrings a lot. we already liked her a lot, but the deal was totally sealed when she brought us 2 free cinnamon buns. oh DING, DING, DING!!! in all honesty, there's nothing bad that i can really say about breakfast this morning -- sorry folks. i would highly recommend this restaurant...especially if you can get caite, since i haven't always had the greatest service there in the past. definitely give this place a shot. oh, and p.s. -- the tea was perfect. (betcha thought i'd forget to mention the tea, eh?)"

the usual
- vegetarian benedict, homefries, mango mimosa, and coffee.
- grade: A
"although we thought that getting in on easter sunday was going to be a crapshoot, we waited only 5 minutes for a lovely corner booth at the good egg. the young (and i mean young) guy who seated us quickly took our drink requests and set off to make them. we all decided on mimosas -- it IS easter after all. i chose mango for a zippy new flavor not frequently offered. the drinks arrived after a few shananigans with the booze / juice ratios (our young lad was learning and was helped out by our friendly server). meanwhile, we ordered our meals and straying from my flock of usual breakfasts, i went with the benedict. i know -- i was just asking to be hit with runny yolks exploding all over everything. however -- my astute colleagues informed me of the possibility of eggs poached hard, and after confirming this rumor with our server, my decision was made. benedict it was, without all the benedict mess. benny girl and i split an order of homies, as they unfortunately don't come with the benedicts. i'm generally of the belief that homefries should come with all egg meals in the morning -- so i was a little bummed that the good egg partitioned them off into the realm of sides. anyway, as we waited for our food and giggled about how wonderful our server was, she showed up with a couple of cinnamon rolls for the table. this lovely gesture caused quite the stir at our table, as we discussed whether or not she knew of our famed reviewer status. we decided that she probably did not -- she was probably just being nice and sweet. our food arrived quickly and we dug in. my eggs were hard and perfect, mounted atop the toast, alongside asparagus bits and spinach. it was a fabulous choice -- filling and extremely well-balanced in terms of flavor. i was not disappointed. the homies, although i couldn't finish my half, were pretty decent. not the best, but certainly ranked higher than many places we've been [ahem, hot suppa!]. they were a little mushy for my taste, the flavor was right on point as my tongue exploded with light peppery fireworks. a wonderful change of pace. i left the good egg feeling extremely full and happy. the service was spectacular -- i would go as far as to say that it was the best to date. our server was phenomenal to the point of perfection, but without hovering or any misunderstandings. it was a lovely experience. very impressive."

wild toast
- traditional benedict, orange mimosa, and coffee
-grade: A
"the holiday of easter is steeped in the mysteries of fertility, so what better place to ponder these musings than the good egg? expecting a wait, we arrived ready to slip a five spot into the nearest old man's pocket as we contemplated bribing a table our way. to our surprise, we waited only long enough to snack on two dark chocolate easter eggs before we were seated in a corner booth. we were immediately offered beverages by a guy who had the aura of missing the 80s. he was all class, actually he was kinda quiet and awkward and made off-kilter "i'm only 15 and never had a drink" mimosas. having said that, he was very friendly. our server, a lovely-dressed and smiling chic named caite, quickly offered to pump up mamamosa's mild mimosa and then brought everything else over. a few minutes later, having played musical mimosas and testing the palettes of our three varied bubblies, our lovely server brought complimentary sticky buns. ah shit, free buns on easter! it's a regular ol' easter frickin miracle. coffee refills had, and a decent cup at that, our meals arrived like the great snow storm of april 2007, fast and with a sense of "yo check this shit out y'alls. i be here mo fo, faster 'dan lightenin', speedier 'dan mighty mouse, an' shit yo i be stylin'!" our meals arrived fast, so fast in fact, that i wasn't even quite ready for it. not a complaint, as typically one would complain if it were slow. anyway, the bunnies of easters past blessed my thick slab of dark forest ham that sat atop my poached eggs and thin english crispy toast that acted as the subtle flotation of my yellow bog of hollandaise. with a touch of mamamosa's rejected hot sauce, this meal was really quite tasty. i will note that unfortunately i participated in a self-induced pizza eating contest the night before and was still rather tanked from a dozen or so slices. and for my "in the know" readers, i do not have a large appetite. i am like a french bird who dines at will, grazing like a swedish buffalo on grasses long and green-swept. my flightless will, complacent by the dew's soft kiss on my inarguably scruffy chinny-chin, lavender skies and milk chocolate-leaning shadows... the good egg, you are my pride and joy. so my meal was good. the service was great. thank you caite for a memorable easter feastus for the breakfast club's first annual "easter eggs are breakfast too!" campaign."

mamamosa
-traditional Mimosa, Coffee, Eggs From Hell
grade- b+

"i hopped on down to the good egg feeling a little hesitant about the name. i have a love/hate relationship with eggs. they gross me out if I give them too much consideration, but on the other hand they are so yummy, so on that fact alone I was nervous. we entered and were promptly told by a "6 year old" that a table would be available as soon as it could be cleared. we plopped ourselves down on a couch (that all but swallowed us) and found a large bowl of chocolates in the form of eggs. these were not cheep wal-mart style chocolate eggs, but deep dark dove eggs. mmm, how festive. i have to admit i took a large handful and stuffed them in my bag. our table was cleared quickly and when we asked to be seated in the back opposed to next to the door there was no hesitation by the staff. seated, our drink orders were taken before our ready-to-please (and well dressed) waitress arrived. the mimosa i received was lightly flavored with champagne and right when i was struggling with the idea of sending it back our waitress asked if it was strong enough. i quickly said no, and it was whisked away. it came back topped off with the good stuff, making me feel as if my $4 was not completely wasted. personally, i would have liked 1/2 poured out and refilled with bubbly, but hey, what's my name? cinnamon rolls were served on the house and our food came quickly. the first thing I noticed was that my eggs were over hard as opposed to over easy like I had requested. but for that, they were good. the eggs were flanked by a herbed tortilla and a good pile of well spiced beans. a sliver, and I mean sliver, of watermelon teetered on the edge of my plate. while this was a nice touch, if you are going to put it out there at least give me a mouth full. all the components melded nicely with one another and i was generally pleased with my meal. i would have liked to see the eggs and beans on top of the tortilla, plus some cheddar cheese and more sour cream. but I was satisfied and happy. the chipotle hell sauce was on the side as i requested. i sampled it and it burned most of my taste buds, but then again i am a huge wuss when it comes to hot sauce. the bathroom was dim and i did not have much confidence in the lock but it appeared clean and the soap was not overly floral. after all, who wants to eat their food when all that be can smelled is chemy flowers. overall, i enjoyed my meal and i look forward to returning there again. most of all, the company took the cake."

hot suppa!

2007-04-02T15:09:00.000-04:00

dining date: 04.02.07
eatery: hot suppa! on congress street across from the 7-11
pricing category: pretty cheap (except for the benedict)
guest critic: nada
overall grade: B-

the lowdown:
- excellent service -- friendly and laid-back and was just right on the "attentiveness" scale
- comfortable, bright atmosphere
- it's important to note that one member opted to "hold it" all the way home because the bathroom was so gross -- big bummer
- good music playing and it wasn't too loud or overpowering -- just right on the volume

the food
the benny girl
- eggs benedict with fried green tomatoes, homies, tea, and one half of a piece of francais toast
- grade: B-
"i wasn't really looking forward to eating at this restaurant because i was definitely judging a book by its cover. the mismatched style of the restaurant's facade (the flag, the awning, the building, etc.) makes me cringe and hurts my eyes to look at, and i'm morally opposed to their name. not only is "suppa" an annoying word, they don't even serve "suppa" there. anyway, my point is that i shouldn't have judged this restaurant on its exterior because the interior was really nice. the cozy atmosphere and seeing some local ingredients on the menu made me very hopeful. unfortunately the food didn't really measure up. the benedict comes with a choice of canadian bacon or fried green tomatoes. loving the originality of it, and because i really like the movie, i went with the fried green tomatoes. those were definitely the best part of the meal. the hollandaise was pretty good, but lacked flavor. the eggs and english muffin were done just right. although all of the components were pretty good, the combination of it all was just okay. the homies were definitely a disappointment -- they tasted like they were either fried or baked after being frozen...kinda like oreida crinkle cut. not a quality that's complimentary for a homie. and they tasted like they were only seasoned with vinegar. last time i checked, vinegar was not a suitable replacement for salt, pepper, even rosemary perhaps. i will say that i enjoyed the various pieces of fruit that garnished my plate, although i think they accidentally put a waxed green apple slice on there. the tea was neutral -- the fact that it came in a pot (a plus) was cancelled out by the fact that the honey came in annoying packages (a minus). hence the neutrality. overall, a decent breakfast...but i won't be hankerin' for suppa again anytime soon."

the usual
- 2 eggs, homefries, toast, coffee, and one half of a piece of french toast
- grade: C+
"i'm not going to comment much on hot suppa!'s name -- an exclamation point, no "suppa" served...enough said. the inside of this quirky little place (just across from 7-11) is a pleasant surprise with interesting art, cozy (read, "tiny") booths, and high ceilings. our server greeted us promptly and let us have a window booth. although our coffee arrived quickly, it was just plain bad...certainly below par for anywhere i've been in portland. my food arrived in a timely fashion with plenty of homefries. my eggs, though not runny, were certainly not over-hard...a huge negative in my book, as i'm sure you've noticed. they were also completely round and completely white, lacking the characteristic brown highlights of eggs fried in butter. i tossed on tons of pepper and salt to give them some flavor, but still found them to be some of the plainest eggs in p-town. not bad, just plain. my toast was average, pre-buttered, which i enjoy. my homefries (if you can call them that) were certainly the low light of my meal. tough, brown, mealy little cubes that grew even chewier as they cooled. we discussed them in detail, trying to determine whether they were baked or fried -- trying to unravel the mystery of such a bland and uninteresting potato product. like the eggs, the homies seemed to be cooked without oil or butter in some sort of of low-fat, diet cooking contraption out back. my french toast was fine, bursting with flavor compared to the rest of the meal. overall, it's hard to know what to say about this meal -- it wasn't bad (although this review makes it seem so), the service was excellent and friendly, the atmosphere was quaint, but something was certainly lacking...and i think it was flavor. yes, that's it. flavor."

wild toast
- corned beef hash, 2 eggs, rye toast, homies, and coffee
-grade: B
"walking into this cute little joint, we were greeted warmly and invited to grab a seat of our choice. hopping into the cramped booth by the large front window, we were offered drinks to start. ordering coffee as usual, mine arrived and quickly it disappointed my pallette. our friendly server continued to top off what was unfortunately a burned and weak mug of joe. my meal arrived and i happily dove into my much anticipated corned beef hash. highly recommended by a good friend, B., i decided to jump on the train of shredded, purple hash...that was some pretty good stuff, guy. not that i was able to finish the potato-speckled hash, but it complimented my easy eggs. the homies, which created quite a flurry of conversation as we struggled to identify how they were prepared, really were not very exciting. the blase cubes tucked in next to the hash, revealed little spunk for my well-rounded meal. the marble rye, while plentiful, was buttered to a sopping excess, but was a nice raft for my river of eggs. overall, this is not over the top by any means. i would note that the c.b. hash was probably above par, yet i have little to judge it against, other than the cat food reminiscent globs i've seen in other places, which i steered clear of. the service was really good, which was maybe the best part of the experience -- casual and available."

the morning hustle: a five day Breakfast sandwich extravaganza

2007-03-31T14:49:00.000-04:00

last week we got a glimpse of how morgan spurlock felt while he was making his documentary super size me as we embarked on a mission to eat breakfast sandwiches five days in a row. ten pounds heavier and burnt out on eggs, we suffered through it for the good of the column. we're happy to bring you the scoop on the morning hustle.

dining date: 03.26.07
eatery: west end grocery on spring st
pricing category: pretty pricey for breakfast
guest critic: sporty spice
flavah grade: B-
hustle factor: B
coffee: B
tea: C
(maybe if they would actually open one of the honey jars they have for sale so you can use it in the hot beverages, they would have been better than "average")

the lowdown:
we were all fans of the cook, he was sassy and had a lot of personality. some of us (the usual in particular) were disappointed that breakfast burritos were the only option. those of us that enjoy breakfast burritos were a little disappointed that the only choices for filling beyond the norm were beans and salsa. the beans and salsa added a good deal of flavor to an otherwise mediocre burrito, though you might want to pass on salsa in the morning if you have a weaker stomach. the egg and cheese were fine, nothing special. the burritos were pretty huge, with enough filling to keep you full for a while. the price was a little hefty for what we were given, basically the price of a lunch burrito. despite being friendly, the service wasn't all that fast, but the good news is that while you wait you can grocery shop and snack on dog biscuits.

from sporty spice:

i would say that i found the west end grocery breakfast experience to be a good one overall. when TBC and i ordered from the cook at the back of the market we were treated to some good-natured sass and a number of options for how we would like our burritos prepared: plain, wheat, or garlic & herb tortilla; bacon or sausage; cheese or no cheese, etc. i found this nice since i could get basically what i wanted without any trouble. the burrito itself was good. well seasoned with salt and pepper and plenty of cheese. the only complaint i have is that there was nowhere to sit and eat, so we had to eat upon the ledge of the building next door, although that had a charm of its own. all in all, i had a good experience: good food, reasonable price, friendly service and good speed.

dining date: 03.27.07
eatery: ohno cafe on brackett st
pricing category: average, worth your dime all the time
flavah grade: A
hustle factor: A-
coffee: A
tea: A+ (organic teas, self-serve hot water, and honey!)

the lowdown:
we here at TBC like to refer to this eatery as the oh YEAH, as it ranked as our top review of the week. while an outstanding array of choices guided our way, we had the option to modify our orders as we pleased. the usual was pumped to find soy sausage on the menu, a rarity that turned out to be a wonderful edition to a plain egg and cheese. wild toast and benny girl ordered the same thing because they were so excited that avocado was an option. they both thought that the smoked turkey, avocado, gouda, eggwich was the bomb. this place is so great that we found a couple of our east end friends who trekked across town waiting in line for their morning fix when we got there. that's dedication. p.s. the ohno is closed on mondays.

dining date: 03.28.07
eatery: o'naturals on exchange st
pricing category: pricey but organic
guest critic: "the cheapskate" aka S2H
flavah grade: A/A-
hustle factor: A-
coffee: B+
tea: A+ (organic teas, self-serve hot water, and honey!)

the lowdown:
this local stop offered an organic component to our week. the flair of flatbread gave the ohno cafe a run for its money, mixing up the usual egg and cheese on a bagel or english muffin. o'naturals also has a great selection of toppings for your sandwich, as well as some tasty specials. wild toast's selection of egg, cheese, spinach and sausage was good except for the odd rabbit turd sausage bits tucked in the cheese. the usual was impressed with the complete change of pace that her sandwich brought. being a bit of a health nut, benny girl appreciated the thick slices of tasty, organic bacon that accompanied the free range eggs and all-natural cheddar. the service was great and the sunny atmosphere was a good way to start a day.

"from the cheapskate" (S2H):

so, ordinarily i cringe at the thought of paying more than $3 for a breakfast sandwich. i mean, the ingredients can't cost more than a dollar, maybe a buck fifty, so naturally i winced at the $4.17 egg, cheese, and bacon on a panini. we are talking organic though, so the chickens aren't kept in cages the size of bowling ball bags, which is going to make it more expensive. all in all though, it was pretty good and filling - that's the big one. there's not too much flare you can add to a egg/cheese/bacon sandwich, so if you're gonna charge over 4 bucks, i'd better not wanna eat lunch (i'm cheap by the way). the panini was also a pleasant surprise. the service at o'naturals was delightful - it's not a waitress setting, but our chef anna was nice enough to bring our food to us. good jobs guys... keep fighting the good organic fight, just try not to tag our wallets in the crossfire. overall - a B/B+

dining date: 03.29.07
eatery: market street eats on market st
pricing category: medium/expensive
flavah grade: B+
hustle factor: B-
coffee: N/A
tea: incomplete

the lowdown:
the wrapping of eggs and other ingredients can be tricky, but jeff behind the counter at this joint made it happen with ease. market street eats does wraps exclusively, but has a wide selection of fillings to start off the day. another nice touch is that they're wrapped with delicious syrians, as opposed to the ever typical tortillas. we all chose wraps with veggies and avocado right alongside the egg and cheese. the experience might have been better if the cheese had been melted onto the eggs, or at least next to it in the line-up. unfortunately it was seperated by the multitude of other fillings, leaving the cheese a little solid. a perfect amount of "hots" was a nice touch for wild toast and benny girl's wraps. one slight complaint was that the eggs were a little rubbery / chewy, according to one TBC member. just a side note, no hot beverages in this place, so swing around to exchange street to grab a cup to go. friendly service and mellow atmosphere make this a unique stop in the morning hustle.

dining date: 03.30.07
eatery: vaughan street on vaughan st
pricing category: pretty average to inexpensive
flavah grade: C+/B-
hustle factor: B+
coffee: B-
tea: B+

the lowdown:
don't be fooled by the lack of a breakfast menu when you walk in this place in the a.m. they actually have a (small) variety of choices for breakfast samiches -- just ask when you order. we opted to go the simple route: egg and cheese. all of us chose the bulky roll option, as a fresh new twist on the otherwise tired out egg sandwich. in retrospect this was a terrible idea. lurking somewhere in the flavah zone, was a strange aftertaste that was hard to put a finger on. was it the roll? the cheese? or just a "vaughan street secret ingredient"? still not sure. our initial bites were promising, but our appreciation waned as we forged ahead into the smushy mess of bread, egg and cheese. and we should add that there was entirely too much egg on this sandwich. perhaps the whole thing would have been fine had we chosen the old standby -- english muffins. hard to say. the service here was decent and friendly and perhaps next time we'll go for lunch and try the falafel. as we learned the hard way, this place is cash only.

uffa!

2007-03-25T14:45:00.000-04:00

dining date: 03.25.07
eatery: uffa! on state street at longfellow square
pricing category: a little pricey, but worth every penny
guest critic: bird
overall grade: A/A+

the lowdown:
- great table, in the front window. heat was blasting under our seats when we got there, but they turned it down for us immediately.
- nice open, sunny atmosphere.
- service was excellent. when the food runner brought out our breakfast he'd been told who got what, always a sign of great service when they don't have to ask customers which meal is theirs.
- great location right in longfellow square.
- there is a "donut bar"...!

the food
the benny girl
- eggs florentine w/bacon added, homies and tea. plus donuts.
- grade: A+
"quite possibly the best benedict in portland- hands down. when ordering, i was torn between the eggs benedict and the florentine (i'd like to note that uffa! describes their traditional benedict as coming with ham NOT canadian bacon. FINALLY a place that calls it what it is...or at least what it tastes like. this definitely earned uffa! mega brownie points). anyway, the reason i was torn was because i really wanted the tomatoes and spinach of the florentine, but it comes with cheddar and i wanted hollandaise. well....i told our server that i was torn and he saved the day. first, he told me that the florentine comes with cheddar AND hollandaise, whoa! and second, he suggested adding bacon to it so i can have my 'daily dose of pork'- brilliant. let's just say that the whole thing was effin' delicious. it came with a side of homies that were more like dinner potatoes, buttery and well-seasoned. the breakfast also came with a side of greens and a little bunch of grapes. a lovely and nutritiously tasty treat. the tea was a good experience too. as a dessert we ordered from 'the donut bar.' we ordered a plain donut, a maple cream, and a chocolate coconut. holy cow! we were wondering why they took a little while to arrive but understood immediately when they came out piping hot. the donuts are made to order! wow. overall, this is an incredible breakfast. my only complaint is that i was too full to eat another uffa! meal right after."

the usual
- 2 eggs, homefries, toast, bacon for my compadres, coffee
- grade: A
"let me just say that i have always disliked the name uffa!. so much so that i've been known to say 'heck if i'll ever go there.' i'm not a huge fan of names that are sounds or contain exclamation points. that said, uffa!'s brunch is certainly one of the best in portland. we were greeted sincerely and given the best seat in the house- by the window looking out at longfellow square. coffee and tea arrived fairly quickly as we perused the compact yet extensive menu. i went with the usual- i figured what the hey- why not? after ordering, my gaze wandered to the stuff on the table. what was that tucked in between the salt shaker and the sugar packets? could it be? yes! it is! a pepper GRINDER! my eyes lit up as i shared my discovery- lack of fresh pepper is something i complain about constantly- as i find it nowhere during our brunch excursions. what a perk! anyhow, our meals came, not super quickly but in good time, allowing us ample time to chat. my plate was packed with food- my eggs were fried perfectly over-hard- already slightly seasoned. the toast- homemade wheat with butter- was quite possibly the best part of the meal: thickly sliced and balanced perfectly between crumbly and crusty. my bacon was distributed to the meat eaters and appeared to have been enjoyed. the homefries, though tasty, were probably the weakest aspect of my meal. a small spoonful (though enough to adequately fill the plate)- they were soft, mushy and buttery. they had good flavor but lacked the crisp necessary to be acknowledged as true homefries. this i'm willing to forgive because my meal was basically stellar all around. the service was impeccable, the food was delicious, really, uffa! impressed the pants right off me."

wild toast
- scrambled eggs with tomatoes, scallions and brie on a croissant, homefries, mixed greens and coffee
-grade: A+
"i had avoided this particular location as it seemed a little pretentious and as you all know, i really can be pleased with the fine dinings of marcy's. to my pleasant surprise i had misjudged this portland destination. uffa's nose is not raised to you and instead, the employees are warm and friendly. to our delight we were seated at the window table which is really a fantastic location. filled with inspiration we gazed at longfellow perched above us as a beacon of good fortune and high prospects of what was to come. what arrived was maybe the tastiest breakfast i've had in this vivacious town we so dearly love. now if someone would just get a handle on The State, all will be fine. i digress. my meal, the scrambled huevos and friends, was to die for. each bite surpassing the last, it was a wicked good- guy. the coffee was plentiful as was the translucent wine with cubes. (H2O in wine glass). my homefries were not really amazing, a little mushy but honestly i didn't care as all my attention was on the egg delight that so quenched my breakfast necessities. having a few bites of mesclun and grapes was a nice addition, especially before moving on to what most would consider overkill, freshly made donuts. oh, shizamm! ordering 3 to split 4 ways seemed appropriate and we enjoyed them all especially the thankfully understated special of the day which was a maple-cream nugget. very tasty. the one odd thing was the flavor of the plain donut which was the one i specifically wanted to try. it kinda tasted like chicken fingers...ah, who cares, i was still flying high on all of the other wonderful things. one more thing to add was that after months of searching we finally found an establishment that offered a pepper grinder on the table. ya'll hear dat? freshly ground pepper, booyah! awesome meal, i will definitely be going back for more!"

bird
-eggs florentine, coffee, donuts
-grade: A
"ugh, the pressure's on: first time reviewing, first time at uffa's, first time eating eggs florentine. overall, this was a great meal with excellent service. although i don't really eat meat and would get the florentine again, it seemed like it was missing something... something salty. like maybe bacon. anyways, it was still very yummy. also, i definitely would have wanted more home fries instead of salad and grapes. the donuts = fried deliciousness. wow.

brea lu cafe

2007-03-19T14:40:00.000-04:00

dining date: 03.19.07
eatery: brea lu cafe (pronounced "bray loo") on forest avenue
pricing category: a little bit expensive for the diner-like quality of food
guest critic: none. just the dream team. the core TBC.
overall grade: B+

the lowdown:
- for those of you who think the brea lu cafe is a french bistro, guess again. "brea lu" is actually short for "breakfast lunch"...so a fancy way to say "brunch."
- the decor is eclectic without being too distracting: complete with old encyclopedias and cool signs...like the one that says "unaccompanied children will be given an espresso and a free puppy." brilliant.
- the head server (who's been there forever) sells an array of jewelry that she makes on the side. nice to see that the brea lu management encourages extracurricular hobbies.
- there are two different seating areas, and on sundays that's a huge plus. while our area was not as exciting as the front part of the restaurant, we had the whole section to ourselves, which was nice.
- the restaurant is right on the busy part of forest avenue, which makes parking a little squirrely...but it's a nice change from the strip malls that surround it.

the food
the benny girl
- spinach and bacon eggs benedict with a side of homefries and a tea
- grade: A-
"this was our first breakfast "off the penninsula" and i definitely think the brea lu cafe can hold its own with the downtown hot spots. although there were several items on the menu that looked very appetizing to me, i decided to order my old standby because i know that our many adoring fans wait with baited breath every week to read how the benedict was. however, not being a huge fan of canadian bacon (why don't people just call it ham?), i opted for the spinach and real bacon benedict. the hollandaise sauce was surprisingly really good (just the right amount of lemon hint), the eggs were perfectly poached, and based on the golden deliciousness of the english muffins, the toaster was clearly set to precisely the right setting. my only complaint was the spinach to bacon ratio: too much (slightly soggy) spinach and not enough bacon. an very good benedict overall though. the homies on the other hand...not my fave. not crispy enough, and the flavor wasn't all that great -- trying to be spicy or cajun or something -- but not quite cutting the mustard. palatable, for sure...but could definitely be better. my tea experience was good enough -- no pots unfortunately, so my tea was definitely too strong. but after the long weekend i had, i'd opt for a stronger cup of caffeine anyway. oh, and instead of just topping off with hot water, she offered a new tea bag...and we all know that i'm a fan of that. with the sunny and eclectic atmosphere, friendly and quick service, and a varied menu, brea lu is definitely worth the trip off the peninsula."

the usual
- vegetarian omelette, toast, homefries, and coffee
- grade: B
"i yet again decided to switch it up and get something off the 'the usual' beaten path. plus- their omelettes seemed pretty tempting and interesting. we were seated by the fireplace in the back room, which was nice because of the privacy, but in retrospect- the main room has a lot more character and light. (it also probably gets more frequent coffee refills). our food arrived fairly quickly and looked wonderful. the homefries were a lovely reddish color- paprika i'm assuming. they were tasty- different from those i've had everywhere else in portland. definitely not my faves, but interesting all the same. at the brea lu, they aren't afraid to season them up a little bit. my omelette on the other hand seemed completely lacking flavor. the tiny bit of dill havarti cheese was not enough, i tasted it in about 3 bites total. my omelette included spinach- which seemed like a good idea at the time- but in actuality it made up most of the omelette innards and seemed like that chopped frozen stuff. oh well. despite adding salt and pepper, i remained unimpressed. more cheese next time! the toast was fine, pretty good in fact. our server was great, although i felt a little abandoned in the back room in terms of coffee refills. our server added tons of character and charm to the place. for the next time, sit in the front room with all the signs and knick-knacks. the usual signing off. "

wild toast
- greek omelette, homies, toast and coffee
-grade: B+
"upon arrival we were greeted very warmly. with encyclopedias and witty signs surrounding the first room, we were invited to sit by the genuine gas, open flame, woodstove look-alike fire. what a treat...except that the back room missed all sense of funky coolness that the signage-clad first room boasted. so we were offered two types of coffee, oh goody! the menu offered a very interesting selection of omelettes and other b-fast norms. oddly, the thing i really wanted to get they didn't have. i was in the mood for what could have been frowned upon by my two fellow reviewers, fruit salad and yogurt. my omelette was decent though nothing special. the greek olives, spinach, tomatoes and feta were nice but rather muted. the homies were not really anything to write home about and no one will get a postcard boasting about them. the coffee was pretty good, but the initial refill was rather delayed, probably a result of being tucked away by the leaping flames of the fire. anyway. i wasn't all that impressed. it filled the void and i would consider going back, probably when i feel like eating a benedict or something and i would strongly urge all to eat in the booths in the front room. our server was very friendly and she pushed my grade up a little bit. oh yeah, think they brush fake butter on the toast, i'd rather have to spread my own butter than have that stuff..."

the front room

2007-03-12T14:38:00.000-04:00

dining date: 03.12.07
eatery: the front room on congress street
pricing category: reasonably priced for the amount of food you get
guest critic: none. just the dream team. the core TBC.
overall grade: B/B+

the lowdown:
- about the atmosphere: we all really like that there's an open kitchen. we also agreed that the ambiance would even better without all of the kitchy trinkets around the periphery of the restaurant (what's with the framed photo of jerry garcia?!). benny girl appreciated the slow-turning ceiling fans and said they sort of made her feel like she was in aruba...whatever that means.
- there's a silent TV on at the bar, which is nice for the people who eat there alone...and the good thing is that it doesn't interfere with people eating in the dining room.
- the service was good and she brought an appropriate amount of condiments to the table -- something that the front room has struggled with in the past.
- fabulous location -- a nice neighborhood joint for the east end.

the food
the benny girl
- eggs benedict with a side of homefries and a tea
- grade: B
"i feel like i should like the front room more than i actually do, because generally speaking it's the kind of restaurant that i usually enjoy. however, every time i give it another chance i leave slightly less than satisfied. this morning i ordered the traditional eggs benedict...and i'd like to note that it's the only benedict option. vegetarians beware: no spinach and tomato benedict on the menu.one thing that has always bothered me about the front room's benedict is that it doesn't come with homefries. what kind of restaurant serves an egg dish without homies?! cardinal sin, in my opinion. but i'm a sucker for homies, so i ordered a side of them for $1.50 (to accompany my $7 benedict, i might add). the benedict arrived sans homefries -- i think my two TBC compadres got the last of the batch and the chefs was making more. the hollandaise sauce -- despite being a strange bright orange color -- was really good. the amount of canadian bacon was definitely ample (if not borderline excessive) and quite tasty -- especially in combination with the hollandaise. my two complaints about the benedict were that the poached eggs were overcooked (the yolks barely runny) and the english muffins were burnt. about 7 - 10 minutes into my meal, the homefries finally arrived piping hot. at first they looked really delectable, but after eating a couple of them i realized that they were not up to par. they were soft and kind of mushy and barely grilled -- i like my homies to have some crisp to them. they were also really greasy and even though they were cooked with red peppers and onions, they lacked flavor. on a positive note, the tea proved to be the high point of my meal. it was served in a little pot (always a plus) and the honey and cream were in little pitchers. the server was on top of refilling the hot water. in fact, the service in general was really good. overall, eating at the front room was a decent experience. the food is definitely palatable and "good enough"...but not quite as good as you think it's going to be, based on the restaurant's apprearance and reputation. lastly, i'd like to note that i've tried several things on their menu, and i always feel the same about it -- never as good as you hope it will be."

the usual
- 2 eggs, homefries, toast, and coffee...plus 2 - 3 bites of bacon
- grade: B
"brunch on a monday is pretty much a different ballgame -- no lines, no bustle, etc. we were quickly seated by our friendly server and given menus and coffee. the coffee was delicious, i might add, and though initially slow on the refills, kept on coming. my meal arrived with french bread toast piled high atop my fried eggs. a small scoop of homefries sat alone on the other end of the plate. even though i'm a vegetarian, i ordered bacon with mine because that was the only option for the usual and i planned on giving it to my fellow breakfast-ateers. however, i was tempted and took a couple of bites -- a tasty treat -- but having not eaten bacon in 10 years, i didn't have much to compare it to. the toast was delicious, 4 slices with plenty of extra butter to smear on if needed. my eggs were pretty much not worth mentioning -- not quite as hard as i'd like and lacking even the most basic of flavors. i tasted a weird, abnormal flavor (pam nonstick spray perhaps?) but wasn't sure what it was. the homefries were served in a minimalist style, with maybe 13 chunks total. i prefer to be impressed by my potato portions, and these certainly weren't impressive. they tasted decent, but were a bit chewy and sat in 2 tablespoons of grease. they were also completely different than benny girl's homies -- how odd. overall, i think what the entire meal lacked was flavor -- a little salt and pepper won't kill anyone, and goes a long way when used appropriately. it wasn't bad, but certainly didn't live up to all the hype around portland about the place. our server was wonderful -- nearby when we needed her and quick with the spectacular coffee."

wild toast
- 3-egg omelette with bacon, red onion, and goat cheese, with brown bread toast, homies, and coffee
-grade: B+/A-
"as we went on a monday, we did not experience the normal wait or the bustling homey feel of this restaurant. seated immediately, we were offered good coffee. the meal was, on a whole, quite tasty. rather a lot of food for me to take down -- indeed, i could not finish it. the choice of goat cheese turned out to be overpowering, as i was hoping to enjoy the largish tidleys of bacon. the circular brown bread was fresh and sweet. my homies were a little chewy and overly greasy. the pile of grease pooling on my plate detracted from my meal a bit, but thankfully i had been gifted strips of bacon (from the usual) to distract me. while the first coffee refill was slow, the above standard coffee bouquet was a true delight. as i sit and write this, the ice cubes from my first fill of water still mingle in the top of my glass. now that is a cold ice cube. hurrah! overall, an enjoyable meal, as my coffee topped the charts."

marcy's diner

2007-03-05T14:33:00.000-05:00

dining date: 03.05.07
eatery: marcy's diner on oak and free
pricing category: diner cheap. NOTE: this eating establishment does NOT have a credit card machine -- cash only.
guest critic: none. just the dream team. the core TBC.
overall grade: A/A-

the lowdown:
- we received a VERY friendly welcome upon entering. almost a little too friendly for a diner. in fact, we thought for a second that they might have even recognized us as TBC and were just trying to butter us up. uh, no pun intended. but it turned out that they were just genuinely nice. what a concept.
- the WBLM playing on the radio was a very nice touch and fit the mood of the restaurant.
- marcy's somehow has figured out a way to pull off the "biker chic" ambiance successfully.
- marcy's clearly has the safety of their customers as a top priority. the front window had a very large crack in it, and they had taped up about 11 hand-written flourescent signs on the crack that said "please do not lean on the glass."

the food
the benny girl
- 2 over-easy eggs, homies, english muffin, bacon, one piece of cinnamon-sugar french toast, and tea
- grade: B+
"i've only been to marcy's once, a long time ago, so i was excited for breakfast this morning. the service was great! we got a very friendly welcome, and with the "tag-team waitressing" it was almost like being at a 4-star fine dining dinner...uh, almost. the eggs were good, but a little runny. the english muffin was great! it's definitely my very favorite yolk-dipping vehicle. the bacon was good, but about the size of a popsicle stick. the three strips together made the equivalent of one normal piece. but the homefries were actually the breakfast item that i had the biggest problem with. they were cut like chips, instead of cubes...and i don't really like potato chips unless they're crispy and have salt & vinegar on them. and they sort of reminded me of scalloped potatoes, which is definitely my least favorite form of the potato. their flavor was pretty good though. now the french toast was the highlight -- a nice way to top off the meal. it actually tasted like a maple sugar donut...a definite plus. the tea was good, and instead of just refilling my hot water they gave me an all new tea bag -- big points for the server there! i know i may sound a little overly critical in this review, but i don't mean to. overall, it was a really good breakfast experience -- probably one of the best diners i've been to in awhile. and honestly, the main reason that i gave it a B+ instead of an A is because they had nothing on the menu that remotely resembled a benedict. and we all know how much i love the hollandaise."

the usual
- 2 eggs, homefries, toast, and coffee...plus one slice of cinnamon-sugar french toast
- grade: A
"marcy's is the shit. i already kinda knew that because i've eaten there before (are we allowed to say that?) but marcy's is steady, cheap, and delectable. my eggs were perfect -- over-hard and greasy. the toast delicious and predictable -- cheap, squishy wheat bread with plenty of butter to smear on it. the homefries at marcy's are "different" -- sliced instead of chunked, and then tossed around on the grill with plenty of grease for a minute. there were crunchy little niblets mixed with larger slices of less cooked potato. they're pretty delicious, but not my favorite at all. almost forgot to mention my unusual addition to "the usual" -- french toast. it was a wonderful change of pace. our server recommended that we add the cinnamon-sugar, which was a winning combination. we had two servers who were both extremely attentive and lovely. the coffee was promptly refilled, and everything worked like a well-oiled machine...or should i say "greased machine?" overall, marcy's is the best diner in portland. it just is."

wild toast
- bacon, eggs, toast, homefries, and coffee
-grade: A
"overall, excellent meal. tag-team service with frequent coffee refills. new menus were noted, as were the slightly elevated prices -- not too bad though. my meal arrived very quickly. a pile of assorted potato slivers sided my meal. the marble rye, which is always appreciated, was crispy and the eggs were soft. this is good. offered two kinds of hot sauces, i accepted both choices. very friendly service and reliable food choices make this stop a cheap and delightful choice."

bintliff's american cafe

2007-02-26T14:27:00.003-05:00

dining date: 02.26.07
eatery: bintliff's american cafe on park ave
pricing category: pricey.
guest critic: sporty spice
overall grade: C

the lowdown:
-nice 'ship-like' atmosphere.
-cozy, borderline claustrophobic. plethora of wall-hangings.
-friendly service, the hostess was prompt and courteous.
-after hand-writing: "i will follow the strict guidelines imposed by the breakfast club and appreciate the honor bestowed upon me by brunching with such lovely people," 1000 times, sporty spice was allowed to guest review again.
-our waitress informed us that they were training a new cook, so it's possible some of our issues stemmed from inexperience.

the food
the benny girl
- omelette with spinach, basil, tomato, chevre and smoked salmon, tea, honeywheat toast and homies
- grade: C-
"i knew it was a bad idea to get an omelette. i never order omelettes. when my plate arrived there was only one piece of toast, a small smattering of homies and an omelette. it took one bite to realize that both the chevre and the spinach were missing. i told the server and she apologized and took it away. when it returned shortly thereafter, the two missing ingredients were there. however, a bone was in there too. seeing as i ordered "smoked salmon," i was definitely surprised to find both cooked salmon and a large fishbone in my omelette. needless to say, i stopped eating it after that. the homies were alright- nothing special. my one piece of toast was burned and under-buttered. not cool. the tea was fine, but she brought earl grey when i asked for english breakfast. i let that one slide. so all in all, not a good experience. the only redeeming thing was that the server was really great about all of the mistakes- they weren't her fault- and she took my meal off the bill, very cool of her. i tipped her well in return. all i can say is that luckily this wasn't my first bintliff's experience so i know how much better they can be."

the usual
- 2 eggs, homefries, toast, and coffee- "classic 2-egg breakfast"
- grade: C
"so i went to bintliff's with high expectations. everyone says it's the best brunch in town and their menu looked pretty great- even though- as usual, i would get 'the usual.' the atmosphere was classy, jazzy and old-fashioned. after perusing the menu trying to fool myself about possibly getting something else, i got 'the usual.' the coffee, -coffee by design- (not my fave), tasted a little hazelnutty and was slow on the refills- not a good sign. my food arrived with exactly 11 chunks of homefries, one piece of butter-deprived, 'grilled' toast, and two fried eggs with runny yolks. i had asked for 'over hard' eggs, as i can't stand yolk. after much stressing, i asked for new eggs- a first for me- i felt terrible, but hey, i'm paying and i hate runny yolk. my new eggs came back better, though still not cooked through, though i didn't have the heart to do anything about it. my second plate came with two times the homefries as the first, which was nice. unfortunately- they lacked any seasoning at all and the potatoes tasted like they'd sat outside all winter: bone dry. our waitress was very nice, especially considering all of the problems we had with our meal. too bad she wasn't in charge of the cooking. overall the food was unimpressive considering the price. i would say it's hard to be 'the best brunch in town' when you can't get 'the usual' right. even i can fry eggs."

wild toast
-louisiana bayou benedict and coffee
-grade: B
"to begin, our service was friendly, coffee and waters arrived a little slow but that was ok. the 'design' coffee was a disappointment and once i reached the bottom of my mug we needed to ask for more. no top off... my benny was quite good. the advertised corn cakes that it was served on were a little weak to stand up to the poached eggs, causing a mushy mash all over my plate. the homefries were like a baseline '91 toyota tercel, nothing special."

sporty spice
-omelette with roasted garlic, red pepper, mushroom, ched. cheese, red onion, tuscan white toast, homefries and coffee
-grade: C
"upon our seating, the first thing i notice was that the menus given to us were far too large for the small booth, creating an awkward situation from the start. once we received our coffee, i noticed that they did not use coffeepots, but instead had airpots containing the coffee. this meant that they would have to take our cups to the airpots to give refills, making refills an infrequent occurence, which they were. when my meal arrived i was disappointed by the fact that i only recieved one large slice of 'toast' instead of the standard two and that it was not toasted but grilled. a grilled piece of bread is not toast. also it barely had any butter on it, making it bland and dry. the homefries were unimpressive, bland, a bit soggy and overcooked. my omelette however was very good. the vegetables were delicious and the cheese was plentiful and melted. it was also good sized. overall though, i was very unimpressed by this dining experience: infrequent coffee refills, odd tasting coffee, crap homefries and not-toast all at a rather hefty price."

the porthole

2007-02-18T14:17:00.002-05:00

dining date: 02.18.07
eatery: the porthole on the portland pier
pricing category: super inexpensive for really amazing food -- no greasy spoon here!
guest critic: wizard rock 2000 & scrimps! (both came from out of state just to join us for breakfast)
overall grade: A+

the lowdown:
- great atmosphere -- very briney & rustic -- right on the water...a perfect harbor restaurant!
- server very attentive and friendly...AND he looks like john belushi -- a definite plus
- very artisan toast and a nice medley of potatoes -- "it even looks like there's rosemary on there!"
- good layout of tables -- doesn't feel too crowded in there
- good long bar to eat at
- hostess looked miserable and like she hated life -- not a very friendly greeter
- a nice touch to the atmosphere was the boat outside with the pirate flag
- the specials board was in two locations -- very helpful
- if you have to go to the bathroom while you're there, you might want to just hold it. not the nicest bathroom...not a place where you'd want to change a baby.

the food
the benny girl
- 2 poached eggs, homefries, toast, bacon, brie, and tea
- grade: A+
"the porthole is basically my favorite breakfast restaurant in portland, and today's meal definitely didn't disappoint. the homies are amazing -- complete with crunchy little nubbies -- m'm m'm! the toast was perfectly golden, although it wasn't buttered. but that's okay -- the server must have telepathically known that i was just going to put my side of brie on the toast anyway. what a great server! the bacon is the best ever! i put it all together on the toast and made an open-faced breakfast sandwich that would blow your mind! the tea was good -- a little skimpy on the water, no pot, and wasteful containers again...but whatev -- a minor issue. my only complaint was that the water glasses say pepsi-cola on them -- i'm a coca-cola girl. overall, a fabulous breakfast!"

the usual
- 2 eggs, homefries, toast, and coffee
- grade: A+
"i just might have to say that this is my fav brunch spot in portland thus far. great food with a price that can't be beat. my eggs were without a doubt perfect. the toast (i had sourdough) was excellent...although, i had to get more butter for it. the homefries were the best in portland -- 2 - 3 types of potatoes, rosemary, spectacularly seasoned and not mushy. the coffee was okay, but there were frequent refills. last, but not least...our server was fantastic -- fast, friendly, and genuine. anyone who can handle us scribbling on a notebook at the table with grace, has my vote! overall an A+ for the day with NO complaints!"

wild toast
- sirloin benedict, homefries, and coffee
- grade: A+
"my first attempt at steak with breakfast -- how pleased was i. the spread of smokey, grilled sirloin strips topping the foccacia was great. two poached eggs paraded on the catwalk of strips -- truly a taste sensation! with a touch of salt & pepper, this meal was a hit! frequent coffee refills washed down the meal nicely. also, i got a great recipe for peachy chicken on the back of the malt vinegar bottle that was on the table."

scrimps!
- brown "flying spaghetti monster" t-shirt & jeans (apparently he thought we said "write down what you're wearing" when we said "write down what you ordered." he really got the harbor special.)
- grade: A
"well, this place was quintessential new england. grungy, greasy spoon-like -- the atmosphere is laid-back in a diner setting. who really cares what this place looks like -- we were here for the food. i fully recommend anything with the homemade sausage -- it was very good...not too spicy, but it had a really nice flavor. so overall, as a guest reviewer and visitor to portland, i would give this joint an 'A' for brunch. try it -- you won't be disappointed!"

wizard rock 2000
- breakfast sandwich with sausage and homefries
- grade: A+
NOTE: he drew a venn diagram showing the porthole as the union between 'tasty' and 'awesome.'
"m'm m'm m'm m'm, that was a tasty sandwich! the sausage, eggs, and cheese were cooked to perfection. the foccacia was fluffy and had a good crust. the homefries potato medley was crunchy, yet soft and buttery good. i really enjoyed the ambiance and the people-watching. quintessential mid-coast maine. i recommend this place to both friends and family. go ducks!"

NOTE: the core 3 give scrimps! and wizard rock 2000 an A+ as critics. they were well-behaved, followed all of the rules, and are devilishly handsome. they will definitely be invited back...as opposed to sporty spice, who is currently on breakfast probabation. (see last week's blog for the reason why).

big mama's diner

2007-02-12T14:08:00.003-05:00

dining date: 02.12.07
eatery: big mama's diner on dana street
pricing category: cheap, cheap, cheap...it is a diner after all
guest critic: sporty spice
overall grade: B+

the lowdown:
- cute little apron curtains, although they were a bit dirty and grimey
- the booths were a little small for 4 people, not very comfortable, and the table was slanted towards the floor...but that's all part of the experience
- apparently big mama's is "where it's all rainbows and sausages."
- waitress was wonderful, laid-back, prompt & friendly
- upon arrival, wild toast was drawn to the wall o' clocks and thought it was a lovely touch...although the benny girl was really stressed out about the backwards moving one. she has a hard enough time telling time on correct clocks.
- the atmosphere was a little awkwardly silent as there was no music playing. we were self-conscious that our giggling was disturbing the locals. in fact, one man started listening to his own headphones at one point. clearly it needs music.

the food
the benny girl
- eggs benedict with spinach & tomatoes, homefries, and tea
- grade: A-
"as per usual, i ordered the eggs benedict, but with tomatoes and spinach. i was a little leery, since diner hollandaise is usually disgusting...but big mama's hollandaise was really great and the english muffin was perfectly browned. the homies were a bit on the squooshy side but good. although the tea didn't come in a pot and the honey & half and half came in wasteful little plastic containers, it was still up to par -- nice and hot -- a pleasant surprise for a diner where tea is usually disastrous. all in all, a great diner experience."

the usual
- 2 eggs, homefries, toast, and coffee
- grade: B+
"my meal was good, but not stunning. the eggs needed a little more butter in the pan and were a little lacking in flavor. all in all, they were good enough. homefries were pretty basic and a little mushy. toast was perfectly buttered. i was a huge fan of the ketchup 'sharp shooter' bottle. the service was great. big mama's was a lovely slice of local culture."

wild toast
- "big mama's meal": two eggs, homefries, bacon, two pancakes, and coffee
- grade: B+
"the big mama meal -- pancakes (yes sweets), eggs, homefries, bacon -- was decent. standard 7 1/4" pancakes, over-easy eggs (my mistake -- one must have toast to sop up wet eggy bits), and somewhat plain homies left a bit of room for improvement. so big mama's is a diner. local spice. the bacon was unimpressive -- two spindly strips. but bacon is as bacon does, and that is usually creating tasty times. very nice service."

sporty spice
- he copied the usual's order...big faux pas. he will not be invited back until he can learn to follow the rules.
- grade: B+
"a hearty meal of eggs, wheat toast, and homefries, i enjoyed my meal. the eggs were cooked very well and the toast was crunchy and well-buttered. the homefries were mediocre but acceptable; very average. coffee was good, but a bit slow on refills. although the service was kind, warm, and inviting. the decor is of a small time local diner and i found it quite enjoyable with its odd decorations and pictures. overall, a very nice breakfast experience."