Saints Rants

Matty Rice & Gravy

2009-11-05T18:01:00.000-06:00

I think I forgot to post this week. You'll just have to forgive me. It's November, that means NaNoWriMo time. So things are . . . busy. And I'm using up all my words elsewhere. At least the good ones. So when I do pop in here, it'll be to give you loads of childish, potty mouth drivel. You know, same old shit. And don't even begin to think I'm gonna edit anything. No time, no time.

The good news is that I'll be rested up to report on the end of the month SMACKDOWN. You just thought the networks went into overdrive for last Monday's game. Just wait. I plan to have 50k words behind me and by that Tuesday I'll be basking in that glorious FFG (freshly footballed glow, of course). And you're gonna hear all about it. Until then, anything you get from me will just be lagniappe.

Deal with it.

And as if I weren't exhausted enough with all the writing, the Saints had to keep me up all freaking night. How many times did I think I could close my eyes and get a little much-needed shut-eye? Nope, fumble. Nope, interception. Nope, missed the onside kick. Nope, another interception. Give me a freaking break! I couldn't believe it when people were talking about the game Tuesday morning, about how it was ALMOST as tough and stressful as the week before's win. WHAT?!?!? And then I remembered. I had chalked that up to a throwaway game. And I was afraid, especially after winning that one, that we could lose this week. To Atlanta. And then to watch that potential nightmare unfold . . . it was almost more than my little Saint heart could handle.

Here's a quick list (mostly because I'm tired of writing in paragraphs ALREADY and it's only the 5th):

Stud of the Week: Will Smith - Yep, you read it right, Will Smith. Why? Because I actually saw him a few times this game. And he turned Matty Ice into Matty Rice & Gravy. I like to think he put a little fear in that boy's head, maybe pushing him to throw a few of those passes that landed right into the hands of our TOP OF THE LEAGUE CORNERS. (Ever thought you'd hear THAT shit??? I certainly didn't.)
Drew owes his receivers dinner. Seriously. Not on top of his game. He can thank his receivers for this week's passer rating, because it could have been a lot worse. No, wait. My bad. Maybe it was just those mouthpieces.
This just in . . . Gruden's STILL stimulated by all the packages he saw in the Saints meeting.
Pierre. You pissed me off. Screw the fumble, I'm talking about the fifteen fricking yards for that undeserved celebration. Yeah, that. Maybe after the back flip into the endzone when we really needed it. (Although, I'd argue that was just makeup nookie for fumbling the ball right before that. Forget flowers and chocolate, give me a back flip for a score any day!) But certainly not after that early score. Give me a break.
Injury Report: Scott, Sedge, Moore, and Clancy all taking a break for now. (again, stupid early bye week) Although the good news is that Payton says he expects Sedge back before that 4-6 week estimate. In other good news, Jenkins and Goodwin both made it back onto the field today. Phew! I needed some good news on the injury front. I'm still all sorts of torn up over the loss of Heath Evans. Someone pass me a tissue. Or a gin and 7. Whatever ya got. Oh, and Marvin Mitchell saw field time again too, overcoming that "foot" injury, a.k.a. spending time as Payton's bitch. And no, not his bottom bitch.
And I will leave you with this . . . because we all want to beat the snot out of the Panthers (finish them, indeed) and Mr. Pouty-Pants himself . . . remember the goal of this season. Of any season. We've spent too long hungering for a good team. For a solid winning season. But this team was built for the Super Bowl. These division games are strange, and anything could happen (yes, even in freaking Tampa). As much as I really, really, really believe Jake is gonna think Sharper and Porter and Greer are his receivers by the end of this Sunday's game, it isn't gonna be tiddlywinks out there. So, put your big girl boots on again and remember, win or lose, we're shootin' for that Black and Gold Super Bowl!

Realistically Speaking

2009-10-27T14:28:00.000-06:00

I'll admit it.
I thought we would lose that game.

No, I don't mean five minutes or an hour into it. I mean a week ago, I thought we were going to lose to Miami. Not because Miami is better or because we were going to have some sort of letdown after the Giants win. Just because. I mean, I'm nothing if not a realist, and realistically speaking, I don't believe in 16-0. I can't. Ever. For anyone. Sure it can happen, but how often? So, looking at the rest of the schedule after beating the Giants, I figured if we were going to lose a game, it would have to be this one. Oh, I know any given week and all that, and I know how division games are . . . different . . . but if I could pick a game to lose, it would be this one. Miami. Nondivisional. Hell, nonconference. Screw it. I'd take that loss. For the good of the season and all that jazz.

Plus . . . side note . . .
Who the hell were those corners??? Because I completely didn't give them enough credit going into this game. Props to them on some great break ups. You still lost, but hey, pat on the back, guys.

But we didn't lose. We led the league in grit or whatever freaking nonsense Gruden thought up this week while he hot boxed the booth waiting for the amazingly entertaining game they threw in front of him last night. And once again, it took a team effort to make the comeback. As it should. But this week, there can be only one winner.

Stud of the Week

Long before the flurry of free agency gold, there was Scott Fujita. For the last few years, he has been the heart and soul of this defense. The strong, silent type who leads by example. But with Fujita out . . . hold on . . . I need a second . . .
sorry, hurts just to say that . . .
with Fujita out, what did that mean for the Saints Defense? It meant the leadership fell all to this guy.

We all love Jonathan Vilma, so it was no surprise to see him all over the field making plays. But his Stud Status this week isn't just for his 10 tackles. It's for the way he kept those around him going through that first half. I don't know what he was yelling at those guys on the field or what he threatened them with, but they got the message.

But I must admit. He almost didn't get this week's honor. The husband pushed for him, but I was hesitant. You see, this is the same husband who wanted to turn off the game at halftime. Uh-uh. Not in my house. So, I looked to my next pick. Tracy Porter. Oh sure, Sharper got the interception, but who tipped it to him? Add in a few other saves and the freebie at the end, (plus, I just LIKE Porter and I'm still sad he missed almost all of last season) and I thought it was a no-brainer.

Until I thought about the type of win we had. And then I came around. It had to go to that driving force that kept the guys together out there when everything around them was falling apart. So. Vilma. Well earned.

Hopefully next week we'll see a little more of a pass rush (it's Chad freaking Henne for crying out loud!!!) and a little less of the chicken shit play calling. Not that I'm complaining. Ok, a little bit. But seriously, is it too much to ask to see Matt Ryan flat on his back under Will Smith? Huh? Is it?
I didn't think so.

Little Dome of Horrors

2009-10-19T18:58:00.001-06:00

Ok, so would all of our New York friends and family close your eyes and scroll past the next paragraph, please?
You scrolling?
Eyes closed?
Good.

SUCK IT NEW YORK! And while we're at it, SUCK IT NFL SCHEDULING BITCHES! What? You figured New York is SO FREAKING AWESOME that if you lined up all three of the NY teams in a row that at least one of them would HAVE to beat the poor, pathetic losers from New Orleans? Bite our collective asses! No, you know what? I'll take that as a compliment. You needed to stack up three of your teams to get the odds up to beat the ONE from our state, and you STILL couldn't get it done! We swept your M-F-ing precious ass state like dust bunnies under the couch. So ha! There! Eat that, bitches. It feels like Lois in that Family Guy episode where all the New Yorkers descend upon Quahog, and she mans up and hands out the ass-whoopin' of their lives. Yeah, just like that.

Hey, you can stop scrolling now.
I think I'm done.
Yep, done with that.
For now.

Yes, it was a Halloween massacre for the Giants this weekend, and Eli's still washing the piss out of his pants right about now. Yes indeed, Oprah definitely waved her magic O-Wand in the dome and it was touchdowns for everyone in black and gold! And you get a touchdown! And you get a touchdown! And - oh, what the hell - YOU get a touchdown! Even Reggie got his hands on one, so maybe you can all give him a teensy weensy reprieve. Just for this week. Huh? What do you say?

But wait, a moment of silence, please . . .

If you've been keeping up with this site for a while, you already know of my deep love for all things Fujita. Because, you see, we don't swoon for the flashy wide outs or the star running backs on this site. No, around here we like our players, big, smart, and tough. If you're a linebacker or safety and can put a ferocious hit out on the enemy, you're probably gonna see some face time in a post or two. But if you're a reader that's just popped in this season, you might not have picked up on that, and it's completely my fault. I have not been giving The Greatness his due this season. I want to apologize. I had a lot of shiny, new toys to play with this year, and . . . well . . . no excuse is good enough. Now I see my favorite player sporting the boot once again, and with no waterslide in sight to take the fall and Fujita questionable for next week's game, I just don't know how I'm going to live with myself.

But carry on we must.
And carry on we shall.

So to whom do we owe this victory? Who should receive the coveted Stud of the Week honor?

The O-line, with Bushrod back and earning a permanent spot on that left side (can you just hear Jammal Brown typing up a new resume?), stepped up and said "Access Denied!" Osi Who? Number one defense? Yeah, whatever.
Brees? Duh.
Lance fulfilled all our expectations, and with the Giants giving extra attention to Colston and even Shockey, who's wide open? But they caught on, right? So they came down on Lance, which just leaves Colston free to stretch his monster body out for a first down every freaking time. Shockey. Thomas. Bell. They all played their asses off.
The Tracy Porter/Jabrari Greer tandem saved us a couple of big touchdowns and really did an excellent job the entire game.
Roman Harper and Darren Sharper. Enough said. I could go on all day about those two. I do feel really bad for Sharper that he didn't get an interception in the books yesterday.
I even thought about giving the honor to Morstead. I'm dead serious. Those two tackles stopped two returns for touchdowns. I'd say that's a big deal. I told you I didn't really give a rats ass if they drafted a punter. Figured they had to know what the hell they were doing, right? Turns out they did with this kid.

I don't know. I just can't single anyone out this week. It just doesn't seem fair. This was truly one of those team efforts, and I'd buy 'em all a round right now if I could.

Putting on My Big Girl Boots

2009-10-18T08:10:00.002-06:00

Oh, you didn't think I'd cower in the corner for long, did you? Of course not.

For one, I threw out all my clocks. You can't kick Cinderella out of her own M-F-ing ball! Screw the glass slippers, I got my combat boots on today.

Second, you know what else the boots are good for? Kicking all those tagalongs off the damn bandwagon. Seriously. Who invited these people? If it was you, I'm kicking your ass off too. It makes me uneasy to hear the Saints favored over and over in the media. Shut up and tell me we're underrated. Tell me don't belong at the party, that we should be back home scrubbing floors or licking Benson's shoes or some nonsense. Don't tell me we're gonna win. And don't show up like you knew we were great all along. You feel that? That's my boot smashing in your face as you get kicked off the side and crash to the ground. Not on my wagon. Not on my watch.

What lifted my mood this week? A couple of things.
Lance Moore back. Looking forward to big games from Moore and Meachem today.
An extra week for our O-line to heal up some itty bitty nagging injuries.
Shockmeister J back at full strength.
No more Hammy problems for some of our guys in the secondary.

And Darren. Oh, Darren. He's got Eli's number. Just check out what he's done to him in his years with the Vikings (and that's all the time THAT team will see on this blog). Seriously, check it out. Four interceptions against Eli. And Eli's not as disciplined as big brother. He's gonna try not to, but fear will have him staring down his recievers all afternoon long. A perfect playground for Hawk Man.

I won't even begin the Hartley discussion. I'm pretending he doesn't exist at the moment. You know, like all the cool kids who just pretend like you aren't there, even though you're waving your hands in their faces and screaming at them and they just look around at nothing in particular and say, "Wow, that breeze sure is picking up today."

You still have time. Dust off your fear and nagging reservations and get ready for combat with me. When you put on your Saints gear this morning, don't forget the combat boots, Dr. Martens, shit kickers, Delcambre Reeboks, or whatever else you've got and get ready for the ass-whooping of a lifetime!

Sobering Up

2009-10-12T08:28:00.002-06:00

I heard a statistic last week that's been eating away at me. I didn't check the accuracy, but it sounds right based on my fuzzy memory of the last few years. It goes something like this . . .

The Saints are 0-3 after the bye week since Sean Payton took over the team.

Seriously, what are you people doing on your time off??? Well, we know what Reggie's doing (or who he's doing, I guess), but that shouldn't matter. We can't get much less production from him anyway. But for everyone else . . . seriously . . . are you hitting the water parks again? What is it???

Ok, I'll be optimistic.
Different team. (Not really. Just a few tweaks, but Darren Sharper fills a lot of holes all by himself.)
Different year. (Can't argue with that. I do have a calendar.)
Different defensive coordinator. (Yes.)

Yes, we should have some guys healthier next week, but that brings me to another issue. I'm so freaking sick of the early bye. Because while we have some players with nagging minor injuries, don't you think we'll have a greater need for a break to get healthy LATER in the season? Or at least mid freaking season??? Hate. The. Early. Bye.

Last week I felt like Cinderella at the ball. Now I guess I'm looking at the clock thinking next Sunday could be our midnight. And that's ok. Really, big picture and all, a loss to the Giants is not the end of the world. I don't realistically think we're going to go undefeated, and if we have to lose a game, I'd be willing to lose one to a formidable non-divisional opponent. Then again . . . this Cinderella wants to pop her glass slipper heel upside some fat Giant head and say . . .

"Take THAT bitches! Screw the clock, I ain't goin' home yet!!!"

Resistance is Futile

2009-10-06T06:48:00.008-06:00

DAVID GRUNFELD / THE TIMES-PICAYUNE

Not only did we deliver a royal smackdown, but we delivered it to the Jets.
And their GQ wannabe QB.
And we proved who really wears the big boy pants in this league. No, it isn't Rex Ryan. It's our own Duke of Defense. That's MR. Williams to you.

What else can I say? Oh, how about . . .

DAVID GRUNFELD / THE TIMES-PICAYUNE

. . . keep it up Scotty. I've missed you!

And Drew,
Dear Drew,
You know we love you,
And we LOVE that you're running for those first downs now,
And that you're throwing down a mighty block or two,
But could you please,
Pretty please . . .

NOT sacrifice your throwing shoulder next time?

As much as I love me some Marky Mark, I don't want to see Brees holding a clipboard for the rest of the season.

And last but most definitely not least, our Stud of the Week:

Meet . . .

. . . The Ball Hawk! *

#1 in the league in interceptions,
NFC Defensive Player of the Week,
and all around Rock Freaking Star,
Darren Sharper!

If you aren't a fan, I understand. No, not really, but I'll play devil's advocate for now. The reason Sharper makes such big plays is because he's been given the freedom to do what he does best. Follow his instincts. If they're running a particular play and his super duper hawk sense smells something fishy, he follows that smell. He breaks formation and jumps on the ball. And guess what? No one can be right all the time, so sometimes he's gonna be in the wrong place. So, yeah, that could make a person nervous. But I think he's proven so far that his instincts are dead on. This is what I've been waiting for ever since I heard his name and the Saints in the same sentence so many months ago.

So far, this season has certainly proven well-worth the long offseason wait!

Now, what to do with the long wait until the next smackdown???

(*Cut me some slack on the chop job. I had fun giving GIMP a test drive.)

This Is All I Have To Say About That

2009-10-05T18:49:00.002-06:00

Do you really want to know how I feel about tonight's game?

Now.
Shut.
Up.

Screw You and Your Flag, We Won Anyway

2009-09-28T07:18:00.007-06:00

Despite a whole lot of this . . .

MICHAEL DeMOCKER/THE TIMES-PICAYUNE

. . .following some of the worst officiating I've ever seen (EVER, I tell you), we finally beat a worthy opponent. And we had them running scared from the beginning. Trick play on the first field goal attempt? *sniff* *sniff* That's the smell of desparation, folks. Damn straight. And speaking of field goal attempts . . .

NEWS FLASH . . . Olindo Mare missed an assload of field goals.
But wait.
There's more.
Not only did he get a JOB this season, but now he's got Jim Mora apologizing for his criticism in the postgame press conference. Seriously?!?! I mean, it's not HIS fault you got yourself in the position umpteen thousand times to have to kick a field goal, but still. He missed. A lot. And now Mora's apologizing for maybe setting the bar too high for some players. Here's a tip, Jimmy. Set that bar down around Mare's fricking knees, then maybe he could knock a ball over that one.

Now back to the Saints.

Formative fun game, my ass. Buffalo's defense may have stepped up and given us a bit of an ass-chapping, but OUR defense shut those mothers down! I saw some action once again from my favorite fifty-five, Scott Fujita, and finally . . . FINALLY . . . we got some productivity our of overpaid ends, Charles Grant and Will Smith.

DAVID GRUNFELD / THE TIMES-PICAYUNE

Even Reggie Bush didn't look like a shit heel this week. Well, mostly.

Watching this week, I wondered who I'd pass the stud of the week title on to. Would I throw C. Grant a bone this week? Or maybe Lynell Hamilton deserved the honor.

DAVID GRUNFELD / THE TIMES-PICAYUNE

(Oh, My Freaking Gosh. I still get shivers every time I think about that tackle.)

But then came the second half. And someone clearly stole the honor.

DAVID GRUNFELD / THE TIMES-PICAYUNE

Pierre Thomas. Way to prove to the world that you ain't rolling over and handing your job to any man. Holy crap. If we could keep both those guys healthy . . . no . . . I can't even think about it. Flames might start flying out of my ears.

Oh, it's good time to be a Saints fan. Hell, WE know that any time's a good time to be a Saints fan, but now's the time when we put the big boots back on. 'Cause we're gonna need 'em to knock all those bastards off the bandwagon again. Because sure enough, they're coming. Even CowTurd, who surely has a few more weeks of proclaiming to the radio masses that the Saints and Drew Brees in particular are overrated, will eventually come around singing their praises.

I got my boots ready. How about you?

An Ode to the Big Boys

2009-09-17T12:00:00.007-06:00

I hate listening to local sports radio on Mondays. Sure, I want to yell at the idiotic callers on my way to the grocery store, but I can't stand listening to the endless number of LSU fans calling in to whine about every little thing they're team did wrong that weekend.

THEY WON THE GAME, PEOPLE. Let it go.

I can't help it. As a UL-Lafayette/USL fan, I would just like to enjoy half of their success. And I always swore I wouldn't complain like that if I got it. But here I am. Doing the same thing with My Saints. Oh, I can pretend it's different. I could line up the excuses.

* The blog's called Saints Rants.
* Or think how boring this would be if I only puked praise every week.
* Or I could point out that I've been here before. And I've been burned.
* And gee, unlike LSU fans, my team doesn't have a nice, shiny national title.

Not yet.

But I will lay off on one issue. Defense. They still aren't where we want them to be. But what did we beg of them all last season (besides a few extra inches for Jason David) while our offense racked up record-setting numbers?

We asked the defense to be just a little bit better.

That's it. Not rank in the top five or even the top ten. We just needed a middle of the road defense, one that would allow maybe just one score less each game. We didn't need a shut out. We just needed to score more points than the other teams. That's all we asked. And now . . . by George, I think we got it!

So I'll lay off.
For now.

Instead, I'll sing the praises of our beloved motley crew. Our Studs of the Week. The Offensive Line. But first . . .

Wait, did I SERIOUSLY hear Aikman say that he didn't think our offensive line played very well in week 1? SERIOUSLY??? I'm sorry, but how many times was Brees sacked in that game? And how often did he have enough time to throw the ball all the way down the field to, oh, any number of people lined up to catch it? And who handled Trent Cole this week?

BUSHROD!!!!!

That's right. Suck it, JB.
And don't forget who else put the brakes on the pro-bowl DE . . .

Big Ol' Stinch-Daddy!
A Man who has truly busted ass and earned his right as a starter on this team.

My hat's off to all of you. Keep it up, because we like seeing Drew put up those ridiculous numbers.

Of course, I want to acknowledge Jenkins and Bush and Sharper and Devery . . . ok, maybe even Shockey . . . but it's way too early to expect what we've seen so far to be the best they've got. You've got to earn your Stud status here!

Tool Basket

2009-09-15T17:28:00.007-06:00

Scanning the post titles in my feed reader earlier this week, one title in the middle of a bunch of Saints game summaries and news bits caught my eye.
A Tool Basket
Much to my annoyance, the post went into detail on how to craft/sew a tool basket. Most days this might have delighted me, but not after this fantabulous opening weekend. I wanted to continue eating, breathing, living football. So, I'm making my own damn tool basket post.

Week 1 Tool Basket:

1. Jammal Brown - read last week's brief post. I'm tired of talking about this loser.

2 & 3. Charles Grant and Will Smith - Yeah, that's right. I'm talking about you, big boys. I never thought Id be singing the praises of our secondary and wondering what the hell our pro bowl ends are doing. I can't even tell whether or not they're in the game or not anymore. But OH they've pulled your suspensions! Yip-yip-yippee. Can you feel my enthusiasm? No? Hmm, I wonder why not? Moving on.

4. Special Freaking Teams - Yep. Special. I won't waste time discussing this, because Roby should improve them next week. Especially since they shouldn't have cut him in the first place. Duh.

5. Reggie Bush - He's number five because I just can't bring myself to bring him any higher. Plus, I don't think anyone's harder on Reggie than Reggie, so he doesn't need me bashing him this week. But the rope is short, my friend.

(Honorable Mention - Tracy Porter - Don't get me wrong, I love this kid. But he has to stay healthy one freaking season. A bruise? Get your ass on the field, boy!)

A few side notes and players NOT going into the tool basket:

* Do I really have to say it? Brees. 'Nuff said. He's my Stud of the Week (featured in the sidebar), just to get this shit out of the way now.

* Offensive Line - Somebody had to do their job so Brees could throw the ball. Jammal who?

* Mike Bell and Darren Sharper - These aren't new tricks and don't call 'em old dogs. These guys delivered what we knew they would. Either could have easily been my stud this week, but I expect even better performances from both in the future.

* Lance Moore, a.k.a. The Hotness. Welcome back, darlin'! Where did the frack did the damn force-out rule go just when we needed it? Huh? Huh?

* This . . .

CHUCK COOK / THE TIMES-PICAYUNE

But wait, haven't we seen Drew pressing his junk up against another #44 before? Actually, it looks like Heath Evans is replacing Jeff Faine as Drew's preferred Junk Target. We all loved Karney, but I'm looking forward to big things from this ex-Pat.

* I got my wish . . .

RUSTY COSTANZA / THE TIMES-PICAYUNE

BUSHROD!!!!!!!!

Not quite the context I had in mind, but I did get to shout it out. High Five, buddy, on getting back out there. Oh, and doing your job. Hear that JB?

And I couldn't live with myself if I didn't mention . . .

* UL-Lafayette beat Kansas State!!! Geaux Cajuns!!!

* Props to Kevin Faulk and Brandon Stokely on their week 1 performances. Don't think we've fogotten about either of you down here!

* Jake Delhomme. Oh, dear Jake. I always knew you had it in you. Way to prove me right. Again.

Like I didn't see this coming

2009-09-11T12:28:00.000-06:00

I have two words for you:

Dead Weight.

Too bad they didn't realize this BEFORE we had to pay him for another freaking season of uselessness.

And hey, don't underestimate the entertainment value of shouting "Bushrod" for months. I don't know about you, but that alone might have been worth the change for me.

Get Your Geek On

2009-09-10T13:00:00.000-06:00

Can't wait for Sunday? Simmer down. If all goes as planned, this week's game should just be an extension of preseason. The real season begins next week. So excuse me if I don't get all gushy about opening weekend. Oh, don't get me wrong, I've got the fridge stocked with the last of the Abita wheat I could find on the shelves, and I'll watch all three hours of the game, but I'm just not giving it a whole lot of thought.

So while we wait for next week, check out Drew Brees on Sports Science.

Oakland Recap & Question of the Week

2009-08-29T16:10:00.013-06:00

(Sorry for those of you who got just a piece of this in your feed reader the first time. Plus, I think the last post got republished - maybe more than once - while I worked on some layout issues. Should be all worked out now.)

The first time I get a chance to catch a live preseason game, I get completely outvoted. So, Shrek 3 ruled the house for about 45 minutes (even the Saints are no match against burping and farting ogre babies), until I retreated to the little tv in the bedroom. Still, I had to run back and forth to make sure the kids weren't killing each other, meaning I missed a good bit of the rest.
Now for my impressions of what I did see . . .

First, I've heard several people wet themselves over the impressive blitzing. Really, don't get too excited about the blitzing. I mean, get excited about the blitzing, but don't expect every game to be an all-out blitz-fest. (Can I take a shot every time I write blitz? 'Cause that's what I'm going for here.) When you're up 24-0 in the beginning of the second quarter . . . well, you gotta figure they're gonna throw the ball, right? So why not just run everybody up and beat the crap out of Jamarcus Russel. Or Jeff "I'm-Not-Gay-Look-I-Married-A-Playmate" Garcia. Either way, you gotta figure even if they get the ball off that crew of "receivers" out there isn't going to do much with it. So why not blitz away? (Drink.)

Second, I don't think anyone is surprised to see Bush and Pierre Thomas out. And while we all love Pierre and are thrilled he's finally getting his shot, the question is the same it's always been. Can Pierre Thomas take the beating? I'm a little fightened on that one.

I wanted to ask who those idiots were (33 and 38 maybe?) that blew their tackles and kept the game from being a shutout, but I figure what's the point. If I didn't have to remember last year's kickers, why the hell would I need to know these guys?

Oh, on a side note . . . did anyone else hear Roby scream like a girl after that hit on the punt returner? Jeez, dude. You might want to loosen up your strap a bit.

By the second half, I actually felt sorry for the Oakland fans. Ok, it was a brief, passing moment, but it moved me. Oh, come on, you know what it feels like to be them. Ok, maybe not, because despite what we think of Big Daddy Benson, he ain't that special kind of bat shit crazy you find in Oakland.

I can't even begin to empathize what it must be like to have THAT running your organization. And then there's the matter of the coach, you know, who didn't punch his assistant. He just jave him a love tap and he fell and cracked his face open. Or he ran into a door. It was an accident. We swear.

Yeah, I can't imagine being a fan there. I think Id have to frickin' move. But maybe that would be just because I lived in Oakland and had nothing to do with the team. Either way, it's gotta suck to live in Oakland.

Ok, now . . . on to the question of all questions . . .

Question of the Week:

Will Coach Payton carry two kickers again this season? And I'm talking about after Hartley's suspension is up. IF he keeps Hartley in the first place, will he keep them both and tag Hartley as his kickoff specialist or his distance kicker or whatever color he wants to paint THAT flaming turd. I hate the idea of eating up a roster spot, but given Coach P's track record, I'm thinking it that might just be on the horizon again. What do you think?

5 Reasons to Love Preseason

2009-08-19T10:37:00.012-06:00

And you thought you wouldn't have to hear from me again after my pathetic attempts to maintain this blog last season. After much consideration, I have decided to give up my lame-ass fantasy football pastime in favor of reviving this site. I'd much rather harass undersized corners than worry about whether or not my drafting a player had anything to do with his untimely PUP placement. I can't take that kind of pressure.

So, here I am. Hopefully I can squeeze in a little time to tidy up the place, but don't hold your breath, folks. On to more important things . . .

Preseason.
Yes, preseason counts. And since I have satellite and can't catch the Houston game until 6:00 tomorrow morning (better believe I'm crackin' an Abita at 6AM on a Tuesday), I've had to find something else to occupy my time. So here it is . . . my

Lets begin with a beautiful illustration of numbers one and two:

(MICHAEL DeMOCKER/THE TIMES-PICAYUNE)

1. Mark Brunell

This is the only time of year anymore that I get to watch a whole lot of Marky Mark. He's got an arm and a sense of humor like my ex-boyfriend*, but without all the baggage.

(* = For future reference, the aforementioned ex will no longer receive mention here. We were on a break. Then you had to go and sleep with that other girl you SAID you hated too, but now I know you're just a liar. We are officially done.)

I mean, seriously, check this out . . .

(CHUCK COOK / THE TIMES-PICAYUNE)

Yes, Joey, even with Marky Mark striking this fantastic pose, YOU are the douchebag in the photo. And no, that does not make you an automatic member of his Funky Bunch, but thanks for playing.

2. John Carney in Black and Gold Again

(See, I told everyone I didn't need to learn the new kicker's name last season.)

Welcome back, John! It just wasn't the same without you!!! Ahem, despite that infamous missed PAT, but I think enough time has passed that I MIGHT be over it. Well, enough time has passed that you can come back and start making it up to me. Flowers and candy are nice, but we'll settle for a few playoff wins. You know, to start with.

3. Jeremy Shockey Might Earn His Keep This Season

Ok, so it's all just an illusion, and the cloud of smoke will appear and things will be back to normal once the regular season starts and we'll all be ready to rip Sean Payton a new one for that stupid ass deal once again. BUT . . . Shockey did figure out in the first game that if he put down the damn phone and quit tweeting for five fricking minutes, he could actually catch the ball. For now, I don't give a crap what he tweets about or who he beats the crap out of on the practice field. I get to live in ignorant bliss for a few more weeks.

4. Minor Injuries Don't Phase Me

No need to panic over Reggie's sexcapades or what body part he's tweaking this week. Let him get that shit out of his system now.

And Jammal. Dear, Jammal. I wouldn't care about your hernia even if this was the regular season. Sure, you're a decent player, but this team doesn't pay you what it does to play decent. Now man up and get your ass to the pro bowl this year.

5. I don't miss Deuce yet, since we never saw much of him in preseason anyway.

And just saying that . . . well, I have to go wash the vomit taste out of my mouth.

Midget Magic

2008-12-10T15:53:00.003-06:00

I slack off for a month and look what happens.

* Colston can't catch crap.
* Shockey and Bush have actual, honest-to-goodness yardage.
* Jason David is a stud. (ok, I'm not jumping on THAT bandwagon just yet, but good for him)
* The world is finally recognizing the AWESOMENESS that we around here already knew about in Pierre Thomas and Lance Moore.
* The Saints have another new kicker and punter. I don't remember either of their names. All I know is the little guy isn't named Olindo or Martina, and he is my new bestest friend in the whole wide world. So far.

Who would have thunk it?

And now back to reality. The reality that our entire freaking season now hinges on winning a game against Chicago.

At Soldier Field.

In December.

At night.

Thanks N-Fricking-L.

Oh well, maybe 3rd times charm up there. Rock the house Pierre!

Help . . . Dallas Question

2008-11-18T07:53:00.002-06:00

I know, I'm supposed to be on suspension here. But I need a little help, and I was hoping someone had the answer.

We'll be in Dallas (actually in the Carrollton area) for the game on the 30th. In case we can't catch the Saints on either of the network channels, does anyone know of a good place to watch the game? Preferably a place we can take the kids (ages 5 & 1). Help, help, help!!!

Sincerely,
Your distressed and suspended Saints Ranter

Taking One For The Team: My 4-Game Suspension

2008-10-29T12:39:00.003-06:00

Once again, it's probably all my fault. I've been remiss in my blogging duties, and I apologize if this in any way has affected our beloved team. Clearly a portion of the blame must be placed on my shoulders. Just like CLEARLY that earlier loss was Weatherford's fault. (Really??? Seriously, Coach, he was one of the few guys on the team that could throw down a nice tackle.) And CLEARLY our kicking game is to blame for all of this team's woes, so yeah, let's get rid of both of those guys, right? Clearly, that was the problem.

But I digress . . .

Before I'm cut or placed on IR for the remainder of the season, I'm going to take a 4-game suspension. Consider it my sacrifice to the football gods, so they may allow Deuce, Grant, and Smith to stick around and play in my absence. (I'm worth all three of those guys, right?) If not, I'll serve my time in silence with them. But fear not, friends. It's only four weeks. I'll be back, better than ever. I'll be working out every day (doing this). I promise. If you want, you can check up on me to make sure I'm staying in shape. And I promise to return in December, ready for the postseason. Until then, dear Who Dats, stay strong and keep those playoff hopes alive.

CRAAAAAAAAP!!!!!

2008-10-07T13:21:00.002-06:00

What the hell was THAT massive load of crap?

I have a serious MNF hangover. I was up . . . I was down . . . I was hop-skippin'-n-jumpin' all over the frickin' living room for about thirty minutes. Then came Tina and his gimpy crotch. From then on it was just all out wonkiness. WTF was up with the penalties? And while we're at it, WTF was up with the offensive line? I mean, I know Jared Allen is good, but damn. Did we have to let the rest of the marauders through? The 3 unbelievable mind-blowing Bush returns was just a big, fat C-tease. At the end of the game, I just felt all empty and dirty inside.

I know I gave a hard time to all the fans who've been prematurely shouting for Deuce, but I want to clear something up. I'm not against running the damn ball. I'm against running it poorly. And this team has proven that it can't run well consistently. So, go ahead guys. Do what works when it works. Just lay off the dumbass mistakes.

But what disturbed me the most was watching Tracy Porter walk to the locker room with his right hand wrapped up in a bloody towel. Coach said today that he had surgery on a "dislocated wrist" this morning. Dude, I've seen dislocated body parts before. They don't normally bleed. That looked like one badass compound fracture. Either way . . . not good. You know who that leaves lining up opposite McKenzie next week, don't you?

But I leave you with one happy note. Anyone else see the bestest part of the game? The Countdown show where they play who knows the player better, their wife or their teammate. Guess who played the game . . . yep, everyone's favorite Defensive Captain . . . Scott Fujita! His wife competed against Charles Grant, with the help of two very cute little girls. Too funny. Now the whole world knows that if you take Scott Fujita to the karaoke bar, he'll probably sing "Baby Got Back." Good to know.

Have You Hugged Your Receiver Today?

2008-10-04T08:06:00.004-06:00

Bull Crap.

Make sure you give those receivers and quarterbacks a good hug (and maybe a little Frenching for good measure) on the way down, or the NFL's gonna take away your kid's college fun.

While you're at it, go ahead and give Tom Benson a big hug too. That's right, you heard me. Big B needs some love. Why? Because he could be Al Davis. What a nut job. I swear I actually heard a reporter waiting at the mic giggle after something that Dementia Davis said early on in that ridiculous tirade of his. Then he had the nerve to say, "I hired the wrong guy." No, Mr. Davis. You hired the only guy who would take the job. Good luck finding another coach next year.
And for that, we love you, Tom Benson.
And for only that.

I don't even want to talk about Sedrick Ellis. I'm going to hid in the closet and close my eyes and put my fingers in my ears and chant, "Not listening, I'm not listening," until Monday. I just can't stand these stupid rotten injuries anymore.

Stupidity Knows No Bounds

2008-09-29T07:10:00.004-06:00

And I thought we made some boneheaded moves. This one wins the Boneheaded Move of the Year award.

St. Louis fired head coach Scott Linehan.
duh.

What's interesting is who they made interim head coach . . .

drumroll, please . . .

wait for it . . .

wait for it . . .

wait . . .

Yep. That guy. Jim Freakin' Haslett. Oh, he screwed up the Saints, but he was still supposedly some defensive genius (yeah, we never got a taste of any of that), so he'd be GREAT as d-coordinator in St. Louis. Right? Oh, wait. Weren't they last in defense in the league?

Ok, let's take bets. How long will smiley have to wait to get the phone call that gets his out of shape ass off the couch?

The NFL Can't Fine Me

2008-09-28T09:32:00.003-06:00

I have a few things to say about the NFL fining Big Daddy P $15,000 for his criticism of the missed call in last week's game against the Broncos.

First, the world was up in arms about Ed Hochuli's botched call. Rightfully so, but at least he had a bad angle for making the call, and that one's been screwed up in the past. This wasn't a judgment call. This wasn't a bad angle. The line judge just has to stand there and look. He calls it or not. There's no, "I didn't see it," bullshit. So he either just decided not to call it (and it was a very obvious infraction), or he was not paying attention (i.e. not doing his job) and thinking about something else. What was he thinking about? Maybe he was having wet daydreams about Hochuli. Or maybe he likes 'em big, and was wondering why, oh why, he couldn't stare at Hollis Thomas's meaty ass on the line anymore. Who knows. All I know is he blew it. And I didn't hear diddly about Norv Turner or anyone else being fined for criticizing the Hochuli thing. So what gives?

Second, it wasn't just that one call. The stupid PI call on Jason David was just not necessary. If anything, they should have tacked a few of those calls on to Brandon Marshall's ass.

Finally, I don't really condone whining about missed calls after a bad game, but I like that Payton did it. Why? Because he was pissed. I like this team pissed. He knew he would get fined, and he did it anyway. Whatever gets them fired up is good, especially after the serious lack of emotion welve seen the last 2 weeks. At least Shockey and his achey-breaky crotch had an excuse.

Now, back to your regularly scheduled pregame hooplah.

Hurts So Good

2008-09-23T12:48:00.003-06:00

I'm still suffering from the damn football-induced hangover produced by the last two Sundays. Surprisingly, I don't feel as bad after this Sunday's loss, so I figured I'd post while I still can.

Then again . . . just as I began writing . . . this crap came out.

Every team gets banged up. Every team has players out. But no other team has as many key players out right now. And we won't go around whining about it. But there comes a point when you just have to say . . . . . . Damn.

First things first. Did I really hear some nut job call for the signing on one Mr. Alexander? Really??? You want to trade one banged-up-aging-back (sorry, Deuce) for another? Another that no other teams want to touch. That would be like . . . like . . . like signing Joey Harrington. I don't want to hear about the stupid running game anymore. We suck at it. Unless you count throwing to Little Lance once in a while and letting him get some YAC. Or Reggie (provided he stops dropping the damn ball). Just sit tight and let them do what they're good at. If you suck at cooking, would you show up at your favorite restaurant asking to work in the kitchen? Uh, no. So stop asking the Saints to run more.

Week 2 hurt a lot more than week 3. Why? Because we should have won week 2. And we sucked. Hard. Everyone had written off week 3, so to actually rally and make Denver actually look bad was cherry. But then again, we didn't look all that snazzy either. I'm over the missed kicks. Unless, of course, we just want to laugh about how we all knew this was going to happen and whether we think Marteen will have his bags packed before the next game . . . just in case. Don't count on Mehlhaff being asked back any time soon . . . remember how long it took them to ditch Olindo Mare. That's right. Buckle up, folks. It's gonna be a long season.

But all is certainly not lost. The Big Game goes to those teams with momentum at the end of the season (just ask the Giants). It could give a crap what you do or hw many players you have out right now. So be patient while they get all of this crap out of their system and everyone gets healthy, and we'll mop up on the back side of the schedule.

Number (Fifty-)Five Alive!!!

2008-09-08T12:22:00.005-06:00

Was it perfect?
Nope.

Was it one hell of a fat-nasty, satisfying win?
Oh, yeah.

And who better to grab that interception to seal the victory? Holy crap, I couldn't have scripted that better myself.

I have nothing negative to say this morning. Well, I do, but I'm not going to say them, because I'm too busy drinking Kool-aid over here.

Set Your VCR for the Blood Bath

2008-08-25T05:42:00.002-06:00

That's right, I don't have tivo. And since Cox can bite me, I didn't see the game Saturday night either. We let the 5-year-old stay up a wee bit late to listen to the first half on the radio, which was kind of nice but not the same. So all of you satellite folks, fire up the old vcr, and set it for 9am today to watch with your own eyes as dear old Carson gets bloodied to a pulp.

It was nice to HEAR the defense doing well, but I'm not fooled. The Bengals are in pitiful shape right now. With no one of any value to throw the ball to, of course our corners are going to look good. Hell, Jason David would have looked good starting last night (which would have been a bad, bad thing, so thank you Coach for not making that dumb ass move). And the d-line looked (I mean, sounded) great, but that's probably because Palmer stood back there way too long each play wondering what the hell he was going to do with the damn ball. I'm reserving judgment until I can see with my own eyes.

Court Dates Make You Suck

2008-08-21T07:56:00.003-06:00

What gives? I'm as disappointed in Jason David as anyone, believe me. He's getting the same treatment I gave Fred "I'm a Midget" Thomas a couple years ago. But that's where David should be. In street clothes on the sideline. The only problem? That's not the only problem.

David wouldn't look half as bad as he does if the quarterbacks weren't given weeks to stand back there lookin' pretty before they throw the ball. Could we get a little pressure back there? Smith? Grant? Don't we pay YOU enough? Maybe Grant is distracted. Maybe he's too busy thinking about court dates and neck scars and whatever else. I don't care. Just push through and lay somebody put, will ya?

And we knew Joe Horn couldn't stay quiet for long. Joe Horn released a list of six teams Joe Horn would consider playing for. Six loser teams (uh, hello, Miami is in your top 6?) where Joe Horn would have little competition for a roster spot and Joe Horn could try to revive the Joe Horn show. Joe Horn knows where Joe Horn should go. Wherever they will take Joe Horn.