Diary of the Two Date Diva

Party Like It's 1989!!!

2008-12-03T05:24:00.000-08:00

This weekend Colorado Beth and I will be attending a 36th birthday party for a friend we grew up with. Our friend's husband decided to make it an 80's extravaganza. CB and I are stoked. Any excuse to get all dressed up like we did in high school is a good one.

However, there is just a couple of problems. First, neither of us can figure out how in the hell we got our hair so BIG! I've been looking at old photos and for the life of me I can't remember the entire routine of how to tease my hair to the point that it stood a foot off of my head. (Which was good for me since I was/am pretty darn short.)

I've also been looking at photos and wondering-- what in the hell were we thinking?!?!? Blue eyeliner, pink stretch pants, and ballet flats??? (I know some of you remember those Sam & Libby shoes!) One trend I'm glad to see that has made a come back is skinny jeans (I recently bought a couple of pairs), freaking awesome is all I have to say. Wait. Rephrase that. Totally awesome dude!

Speaking of coming back, I also found out recently that Hot Topic is selling everything 80's these days. Colorado Beth stopped in and picked up a few items for her party outfit (she's channeling Cyndi Lauper) and she mentioned they had a ton of stuff straight out of our misspent youth. Well, it has almost been twenty years. I guess if you wait long enough, everything really does come back in fashion. Hollister has been selling ripped jeans for several years now. Those were a staple in the 80's. We all wanted to look like Joe Elliot.

As my contribution to the party, I was tapped to come up with a few drinks to be served during the evening. Here is what I came up with. Send me any suggestions you might have, we'd love to use them!

The “Talk Dirty To Me” (aka Dirty Martini)
You’ll be glad you picked this twist on the classic dirty martini as your POISON. They say EVERY ROSE HAS ITS THORN, but we can find anything wrong with this drink. Just don’t imbibe too much or you’ll end up looking like WHAT THE CAT DRAGGED IN.

The “Bon Jovi” (aka Kamikaze)
This SHOT TO THE HEART does not GIVE LOVE A BAD NAME, in fact it’s so good that if you drink too many, you might think you’re LIVING ON A PRAYER in the morning.

The “Girl’s Just Want To Have Fun” (aka Cosmo)
This pink concoction lives up to its name and might even snag you a guy to have a little fun with. However, if you don’t find a partner in TIME AFTER TIME, you can SHE BOP your way on home and enjoy the pleasure of your own company.

The “Born In The USA” (aka Scotch and water)
This patriotic drink will have you DANCING IN THE DARK and reliving the GLORY DAYS of Guess Jeans and Reaganomics. So, belly up and drink one for the BOSS.

The “Leppard” (aka Lemon Drop Martini)
Hearken back to the days of the British Invasion of the eighties. LOVE BITES, but this drink is smooth and satisfying. WOMEN will beg you to POUR SOME SUGAR ON ME as you dazzle them in your ripped jeans and super hot mullet a la Joe Elliot and the boys.

The “Wang Chung”
This drink is whatever you want it to be because we never did figure out what the hell a WANG CHUNG was anyway.

The "No Fly Zone"

2008-12-01T06:03:00.000-08:00

Recently a close friend of mine has been going through a pretty rough break up. In midst of the tears and late night chats, we decided to formulate a plan of no contact with her now ex boyfriend. (Which is much easier said than done since they work in the same office, but that's a post for a different time.)

In the spirit of trying to make things as uncomplicated as possible, she and I sat down and mapped out what I like to call the "no fly zones." These are those places the two of you used to frequent together, but might be too painful for a newly broken hearted person to traverse in his/her recently acquired single state. These are also places that you are quite likely to run into the ex with his/her new love interest. These areas make no contact with your former beloved quite difficult and should be avoided at all costs.

Establishing the no fly zone(s) can be as intricate as any military strategy thought up by brilliant generals in battle. Because if you think about it, a nasty break up can be very much like a battle. A battle for your very sanity and soul. You may have to change your driving route into work so you don't drive by his house or you might have to frequent a new coffee shop so you don't see him at the one the two of you used to patronize every morning.

But why should I have to give up the coffee shop? One might protest. Shouldn't he have to find a new place to get his java fix? I would agree that it is best when both parties can agree to the no fly zones and split them up accordingly, but when break ups are hasty and nasty, this doesn't always happen. Besides, as I asked my friend, do you really have to get your non fat, no foam, half caff, vanilla latte from that particular coffee shop? Can't you, for sanity's sake, go to a different place?

Inevidably, when establishing your no fly zones, the question of time limits always comes up. How long should one refrain from their favorite hangouts just to avaid the ex? I usually refrain from old haunts for at least six months. Truth be told, I still have one no fly zone that I avoid, even after being apart from my ex (Frat Boy) for over four years.

Frat Boy and I live in different subdivisions about two miles apart. In between our respective residences, are several new restaurants, a couple of nice coffee shops, and one large grocery store, where I used to shop before we broke up. I gave up the entire area, when we ended things. I knew if I continued to shop and dine there, I would eventually run into him with his new wife. I didn't exactly need that, so I stayed away. I still drive about a mile further in the opposite direction to a different grocery store and I don't patronize any of the restaurants etc. in that area, even though it is within walking distance of my house. Call me crazy, but it's made my life a lot easier. Especially since my ex has/had a terrible habit of getting hammered and showing up on my doorstep at three in the morning. I didn't want to be running into him trying to be friendly (but distant) so he wouldn't get the idea that it was okay to show up at my house unannounced because we were "friends." Since I still have no interest in inviting him back into my life, I continue to stay away so that I'm not running into him everytime I need toilet paper.

Some of my friends think it's a bit odd that I still don't go into that area to shop or hang out, but I consider it a small price to pay for my peace of mind. It's not like I'm missing out on a whole lot by not shopping at one grocery store. So, my question for you all is, what are your no fly zones? Do you have any? Do you still observe them long after a break up?

AWOL

2008-11-25T07:39:00.000-08:00

Yes, I have been AWOL lately. I'm a bad, bad blogger. I admit it. And the crazy thing is, I don't really even have a good reason. Unless, of course you, count the fact I think my office is trying to kill me.

This is always a very busy time of the year for me. I have two large projects due in November and December every year. I'm always very careful to plan ahead and get things done as time permits. But, things never go as planned. This year, in the midst of endless budget reduction exercises, more and more projects kept being handed to me. I am exhausted every day when I leave.

The good thing is that I feel, even as we go through scenarios of eliminating positions, somewhat secure in my job. That is definitely something to be thankful for this year. I can't say too many people feel as I do right now. So, crazy busy is good, right?!?! At least that's what I keep telling myself.

But, no matter how crazy things still are, I promise to get it together and blog more. Besides, you people are way cheaper than therapy! :)

Have a happy holiday!

I Killed God Today

2008-11-13T11:04:00.000-08:00

...well sort of. You see, what happened was really the cat's fault, but I'll let it slide cause she's cute. I had to open the sliding glass door in my bedroom to let the cat in from the balcony. And in with the cat flew a large palmetto bug. (For those of you not acquainted with palmetto bugs, they are big ass flying cockroaches.) The thing flew right at my face and damn near hit me in the head! I screamed, the cat yelped and we both ran.

The cat and I gingerly approached the bug in the corner of the room where he landed. Neither of us wanted to get too close. Even the All Mighty Great and Powerful Furball didn't want to tangle with the flying monstrosity that was climbing up the wall in my bedroom. Suddenly my Little Voice chimed in.

Little Voice: Okay, let's look at this from a metaphysical perspective. That's not really a big ass flying cockroach, that's just God pretending to be a big ass flying cockroach. (I often tell myself this about things that are frightening to me.)

Me: Looks like a big ass flying cockroach to me and I think the cat agrees. You're out numbered.

Little Voice: There is nothing to be afraid of. They don't even bite. Just usher him back out the door so he can live peacefully. Remember it's really just God....

Me: Alright already, I get it! It's God pretending to be a cockroach and I should let him live. But how the hell are we going to get God back out onto the balcony where he belongs?

My Little Voice was strangely silent on that query. She wasn't that keen on getting near "God" either. The cat looked up at me as if to say "I have an idea." I had one too. I snuck past the creature on the wall and went down stairs for the bug spray.

The Raid spray took care of things in short order and I scooped up the remains and flushed them down the toilet. Next time God shouldn't fly so close to my head looking like a big ass cockroach.

Kitty Porn

2008-11-10T07:07:00.000-08:00

Just thought I would delight you all with a cute pic of my fur baby. This is my cat Cozy. When I snapped this pic she was trying to see what this whole web surfing craze was all about. I think she might have been surfing for kitty porn, but who knows? I didn't ask and she didn't tell.

How To Get Rid of A Guy Quickly and For Good

2008-11-06T06:04:00.000-08:00

Make his phone number one of your computer passwords so you can remember it. That'll do it. He'll drop off the face of the earth and never call again. Better than tattooing his name on your ass and a lot less painful.

Gahhhh!!!!

New Perspective On An Old Idea

2008-11-04T07:02:00.000-08:00

Last week, I had an amazing conversation with, of all people, my boss. Now just to clarify, my boss is one of the most intelligent people I know and he has a different point of view on a lot of things. When I mentioned that I would like Friday off to go and vote early, he told me I was ruining the excitement of election day.

"Huh?" I quizzed, with a lot of eye blinking. I didn't get it. How could voting EARLY ruin election day?

He explained that in his home country of Congo (you may have read of the unrest there recently in the news), there are no elections. He did recall one election when he was in college, but he said that because he and other college students voted against the incumbent President, they were beaten when they walked out of the polling booth and their ballots were ripped to shreds. But for the most part, there are no elections. Instead, they tend to have wars.

He talked about what a privilege it is to go and vote on the one day that is designated for voting and how we should never take Election Day for granted. He believes it should be national holiday.

After hearing his story of the one Congolese election he did vote in and hearing him describe how he gets up early on Election Day to be the first voter at his polling place. I was inspired. The man actually gets up at the crack of dawn and celebrates going to vote. What I looked at as an inconvenience of having to stand in line (really early), he sees as an honor and a duty as an American.

So, being inspired by his enthusiasm, I waited to vote until this morning. I got up very early and stood in a very short line with my neighbors to do my civic duty. I didn't feel quite as excited as my boss seems to (could be cause I'm not a morning person), but it felt good to cast my ballot and know that regardless of the outcome, my vote will count. I knew that I wouldn't get beaten up when I left the polling place and life would go on with out a civil war, no matter what. Now THAT is something to get excited about.

Tripping Along

2008-10-28T05:09:00.000-07:00

Ever notice how sometimes things work out perfectly when it wasn't even something you'd planned? Maybe it was even something you planned against! I've been taking notice of these more in my life recently. Some of them are startling.

This week I found out that a job I applied for last summer (and did not get) is being eliminated in the 10% across the board cut my office is taking. Thank God I didn't get the job because the person who did will soon be unemployed.

Recently, I received a letter from the IRS stating that I turned in my 2006 return late and they were assessing me (and my former business partner $400). I turned the issue over to my CPA who sent in the proof that I had not filed late, after all, and did not owe the IRS anymore money. Instead, after he reviewed my return, he realized it needed to be amended and the IRS owes ME an additional $2800. Sweet!

Lately, I've been lamenting and beating myself up about the money I took out of my mutual fund a while back to pay for a few unexpected expenses. I was feeling rather undisciplined about the fact that I have not put all of the money back. Instead, I was putting money in savings. Well, its a darn good thing the money was in savings because when the market dove this month, so did my mutual fund. If I'd put the money back in my fund, I'd have lost it and all of my scrimping and saving would have felt like it was in vain.

Even though some days I feel kind of like a bungling idiot, life still just seems to work out. Go figure. Maybe ignorance really is bliss.

Free Day Friday

2008-10-24T06:47:00.000-07:00

I think I've mentioned before that occasionally, I give myself a free day, where all I do is act on my intuition and I don't plan anything for the entire day. If I feel like eating ice cream for breakfast, I do it. If I feel like walking to work and not driving, I follow that that thought and do it.

You wouldn't believe how freeing, yet how difficult it can be! NOT planning is not my initial reaction. I want to know what I am doing, where I am going ,and what the plan for the day is. However, I'm finding that planning is sometimes a futile effort. There is a season for everything and today is my season for not planning anything and just going with the flow.

So, my cyberpeeps, the challenge for today is to give yourself a free day. Don't plan anything and see where the day takes you. There might just be a huge surprise waiting for you somewhere! Let me know how it goes in the comments section!

If You Need Me, I'll Be In Rehab.......

2008-10-22T07:27:00.000-07:00

..............reading and listening to my ipod. Or at least trying to recover from using them. Apparently, according to this article, reading and listening to music are true addictions. Who knew?!?! I figure since the "in" crowd is all going to rehab to recover from everything from drug and alcohol addiction to an addiction to racial/homophobic slurs, then I should be able to go into rehab for music and reading addictions. Right? Who's with me? But, I don't want to go into regular rehab where they make you clean the toilets and stuff. I want to go to one out in California where you get massages, yoga classes and gourmet meals. Wonder if I could talk my HMO into paying for that?

I don't have the inner ear issue associated with a reading addiction, but I do spend an awful lot of money on books (and music!), so maybe I should check in for a shopping addiction too?! Hey, do they let you stay longer in the rehab/resort if you have several addictions?!

I'm so confused! I think I need some chocolate. OMG, could I be addicted to that too?!? For the love of Pete! No wonder I'm still single. With all of my issues, I'm surprised I make it out of my lounge chair, put my book and my Hershey bar down , and take off my ipod to go into work. Hmmm, maybe if I didn't make it to work I could get sent to one of those rehab/resort places..........

Enjoying the Moment

2008-10-20T07:04:00.001-07:00

I was recently reminded of a Caribbean cruise I took a couple of years ago. That trip taught me about living in and enjoying the moment for what it really is and not worrying about things to come.

My friend (we'll call him Keywest) and I were taking a jaunt around the island of Cozumel on a rented vespa. We had a map and enough gas (we thought) to get all the way around the island. However, we decided to take a detour into the center of the island to check out a ruined Mayan settlement. After wandering through the ruins, we took our time getting back to the main road. We stopped a couple of times along the way to check out little tiki huts with touristy stuff and to have lunch. In our excitement, we forgot to check the gas gauge and and about halfway back to the cruise ship port, we ran out of gas.

Fortunately, we were in this little area called Punta Sur. Keywest spoke just enough spanish to tell one of the locals of our predicament. Keywest was a bit agitated. He was afraid we were going to miss our embarking time back at port. I, on the other had, had somehow found the true Caribbean spirit in my soul and kept telling him things would be fine.

"Oh look, there's a bar! Let's get a beer!" I said.

"Um, we have a bigger problem, than thirst right, now. I'm not sure that guy really understood what I was saying." He replied, shooting me a dirty look.

"He understood, he looked inside the empty tank. " I said, walking toward the bar, where the reggae music and cold Corona beckoned. (I thought the reggae music in Mexico was a bit odd until I realized the name of the bar was Bob Marley House. Go figure.)

"We have to get back to port!" He called after me.

About that time, the local guy walked back up to Keywest and said something about having called a cab to bring us some gas.

"You wait!" He said in broken English.

"See, we have to wait on the gas anyway. We can have a beer and look at the ocean until the gas gets here." I said.

"How long is the wait?" Keywest asked the local man. I think that's what he said. I only know two words in spanish --cervesa and banos. (beer and bathroom--hey, what can I say? Beer makes me pee.)

"Could be thirty minutes, could be three hours, no worries---drink!" The local man replied.

And I obliged. Keywest, however, could not relax. He kept muttering something about missing the boat. Finally, I couldn't stand his funk anymore.

"Look," I said, "I have our passports, I have cash and credit cards. If we miss the boat, we can fly to freakin' Belize and meet the boat there! Just relax and enjoy the view."

We sat in silence on the deck of this little bar in the middle of nowhere and watched the waves roll in and out. It was one of the most gorgeous days I can remember. I felt very quiet and very still for the first time in a long time. I didn't care if I missed the damned boat or not. I was determined to enjoy that moment.

About forty five minutes later, the cab pulled up with our gas and we were on our way. We made it back to port with plenty of time to spare. The Universe provided and all we had to do was sit back and take in the moment.

(There was a quick and hilarious detour to the bathrooms at Bob Marley House that included having to get past a couple of enormous pigs, but that's a story for another time.)

The moral of this story is that sometimes, even when things look their bleakest, you have to stop and enjoy the present moment because if you don't, you just might miss something really beautiful.

Right Now

2008-10-16T06:17:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, we let ourselves get so caught up in the fear of things that are not real. We fear what COULD happen, what people MIGHT think of us, what happened to OTHER people. We forget to be in the present moment and remind ourselves of the reality of what is NOW. So, in light of all of the crazy stuff going on in the world, I'm reminding myself that...

Right now, all of my bills are paid.
Right now, I am safe and warm and well fed.
Right now, I have great friends and family who love me.
Right now, I have a great job.
Right now, I have everything I need.
Right now, I am healthy.
Right now, life is REALLY, REALLY GOOD!

Insecurity is Unattractive

2008-10-15T06:44:00.000-07:00

I don't care who displays it! It can turn the hottest guy into the most unattractive prospect ever. It can turn the world's most beautiful woman into someone you wouldn't go out with if you were paid.

Not returning a phone call right away does not mean someone doesn't want to talk to you. It means that he/she has a life outside of you! I know that in the past I have jumped to this conclusion when a guy that I really liked didn't call when *I* thought he should. I also realized that *my* expectations were just that-mine. I had no right to hold anyone else to those expectations, especially when I never informed the boy of what those were! I learned the lesson by being called on my crazy behavior and unspoken expectations.

The first time I had this behavior reflected back to me in someone elses behavior, it REALLY clicked. I'm beginning to believe the quickest cure for this behavior is to have someone pull it on you. That's when it finally clicks that maybe, just maybe, the world does NOT revolve around you.

Okay, rant is over. I will now return to my regularly scheduled Pollyanna attitude.

Ten Things I am Grateful For

2008-10-12T18:32:00.000-07:00

1. A snugly kitty who wakes me up just before the alarm goes off

2. Blog buddies who always share their thoughts

3. Amazing family and friends who keep me sane

4. Salt water and beautiful beaches

5. Feeling peaceful in a time of economic turmoil

6. My daily meditation

7. The beautiful view from my balcony

8. October

9. Great co-workers

10. The Travel Channel (for those times when I can't physically get away)

What are the things you guys are thankful for?

Do Nothing.....

2008-10-10T05:45:00.001-07:00

...and everything gets done. At least that's what the Tao Te Ching tells us. I try to practice this seemingly easy mantra in my everyday life, but let me be the first to tell you, it is a lot harder than it sounds.

My understanding of this verse is that we should strive to let go of trying to control everything and let things happen naturally. Okay, very valid point. I get it. Stop controlling. Don't have to tell me twice. Or maybe you do.....

What I find difficult is determining which situations really do need my action and which situations would be best served if I stayed out of them. This is the hard part. For example, if you aren't happy in your job, do you frantically send out resumes for every job that seems to fit your criteria? Or do you wait patiently keeping your eyes open for something to come along without really putting out a ton of effort? Do you date every available man, using every available online dating service or do you just keep your eyes peeled for a nice guy in your every day life?

I struggle between doing nothing and taking action. At what point do you stop wishing for something and start doing something to get it? Karen Luniw of the Law of Attraction Center says that we shouldn't just take any action, she would say take "inspired action." Karen advises listening to those nagging little voices (I've definitely got one of those) and those little inspirations that you get during the day. She believes those are the actions we should be focusing on in order to get us where we are going or to get us what we are asking for. I don't know about you, but this is a lot easier said than done for me because, I have a lot of noise in my head!

So, the struggle continues or maybe the fact that something is a struggle is the problem in the first place. Maybe just doing nothing really is the way to go.

How to Lose A Guy Two Date Diva Style

2008-10-01T19:41:00.000-07:00

I am a smart ass. It is not a new thing. I've always been one,and I can't see me changing now. However, there are definitely times when I wish I could tame my inner smart ass or at least muzzle her on occasion.

Take my reaction to an overenthusiastic date recently. He was gushing over how he was so glad he'd met me and how perfect we seemed for each other. He just loved my sense of humor. Famous last words buddy.

Mr. Over Enthusiastic: I know this is only our second date, but I really feel a connection and I think we should date each other exclusively. I know that I don't want to date anyone else but you. And who knows? Maybe this thing could go on and we could get married one day? Wouldn't that be great? We could do a Match.com commercial! What do you think?

Me: Dude....Marriage? Match Commercial? I really hadn't thought that far ahead. I was just here for the sushi.

It was my poor attempt at humor during a very awkward moment of having a guy I barely knew plan out the rest of our lives together, including a dating commercial. I guess he didn't really like my sense of humor after all. Perhaps it was my impulsive use of the word "dude." Oh well.

And with that, I threw another one back into the eternal dating sea.

Restless

2008-10-01T07:07:00.001-07:00

Lately, I've been feeling a bit restless. I get this way every now and again. I'm not really agitated or upset, but I do get the urge to do something. Anything, actually. It's hard to explain because usually when people feel this way they are upset or worried about something, but I don't feel that way. It's almost like I'm nesting or something.

It could just be that it's fall. I absolutely love this time of the year. It's my favorite without a doubt. Even when I was a kid, the prospect of going back to school in the fall could not dampen my enthusiasm for the cooler weather and the chance to dress up for Halloween. But I digress, this restlessness I'm feeling now is even more than excitement over playing dress up and traipsing about in fallen leaves. It's not a bad feeling, in fact, it's a great feeling. It's like I'm getting ready for something...something really good.

I've been purging myself of unnecessary stuff lately. I've started going through my books and selling them on Amazon. So far, I've made a tidy little profit. I've also sold some furniture I wasn't using on Craig's List and given a crap load of stuff to Goodwill. The more stuff I get rid of, the better I feel. My rationalization is that I'm putting my stuff back out into the universe for other people who need it more than me. (And it's a lot less crap I have to dust!)

How many of you get these restless feelings from time to time and what do you do about them?

Really, Really Bad Day

2008-09-25T13:44:00.000-07:00

If you think you're having a bad day, just remember it could always be worse. This guy's story gives new meaning to having a bad day!

I will never complain about a crappy day again. I'm not sure if this is an "ouch" or a hell of an "oops."

Edited to add: You have to surf over to Chicago Commuter blog and read the ding dong story. Drinking beverages while reading the story is not recommended as they are likely to reappear through your nose. I'm just sayin'!

Clean Up Around Your Own Doorstep....

2008-09-24T18:07:00.000-07:00

...... before you try to sweep around mine! Here is a conversation between myself and a friend about dating. (She is currently waiting for her boyfriend to get out of jail.) She was trying to give me dating advice. God help me.

Friend: You really are going to have to let go of the idea of the perfect man.

Me: I'm not looking for the perfect man, I'm just looking for the guy that will be right for me.

Friend: I just think you're going to have to lower your standards a bit.

Me: You mean like dating guys who are in jail?

Friend: Point taken.

Everybody's a critic!

Questions for Your Soul Mate

2008-09-14T19:53:00.000-07:00

Have you ever wondered what kinds of questions you should ask to see if someone is your soul mate? People always say they just knew when they'd met the right person. I've always wondered how they "just knew." Was it the answers to a set of questions or was it just a feeling?

This article gave a few great ideas about questions to ask someone to determine if they are your soul mate. I thought these were pretty good. I've even asked a couple of them myself.

What are some of the questions that worked for you to find that one special person? Or did you just know? How did you know?

In Honor of Grandparents Day.....

2008-09-08T18:14:00.000-07:00

I thought I would delight you all with a cute tale about my Grandmother. We'll call it:

Nanny Goes Fishing

My grandmother was always quite a character. She was closing in on eighty years old when this story took place, but she had just as much spunk about her at eighty as I did at twelve. Not to mention, she was a heck of a lot braver and cooler than I was or maybe she was just crazier, you’ll have to decide for yourself.

Fishing was not something out of the ordinary for my family. In fact, for as long as I could remember, my mom, grandmother and aunt were always going fishing and trying to one up each other on their catch. It was always quite the competition every summer. Even when I was a baby, my family would take me with them to the pond behind our house. I can only imagine that I must have resembled a miniature Kojak, complete with a bald head and red lollipops, strapped into my swing-o-matic, happily watching my mom reel in her catch. My mom even made me a fake fishing pole, with a cardboard minnow, so that I could pretend I was fishing too. Fishing was definitely my family’s way of bonding.

The summer that I was twelve was pretty much the same as every other summer except for the buzz going on in our neighborhood about a fish that couldn’t be caught. My family owned a small country grocery store in the tiny community of Beachton Georgia and it seemed that every person that came into the store that summer had a story about having hooked and lost a large bass in the pond behind our house. Even my mom and aunt had their own stories about the “one that got away”. They had gotten into a competition over who could catch the fish earlier in the summer and by August they were still on the hunt and no closer than anyone else to catching the infamous bass. My grandmother (affectionately known as “Nanny” to her grandkids) had listened to the stories from her customers and her daughters with a large amount of skepticism. Nanny wasn’t buying all the hype.

“Miss Maude, I tell you, that was the biggest fish I have ever hooked!” One customer exclaimed to her. “He bit clean through my line!”

“Sounds like you should buy better line,” Nanny quipped.

“You just go down there and see for yourself, I bet you’ll change your tune when you see him in action.” The customer replied. Nanny just pooh-poohed the stories.

The long, hot days of summer seemed to drag on just like the stories of the customers that came into the store. Each fishing tale was slightly different, but yet they were really all the same; they all told of the big fish that no one could catch. The Moby Dick of Beachton seemed to be swimming in the pond just behind my house. From my grandmother’s dismissals of all of the stories, who could have known that she had visions of becoming Ahab?

One afternoon when my mom was gathering up her gear to go fishing, Nanny made a declaration. “I’m going fishing with you this afternoon and I’m going to catch this monster fish everyone has been blabbing on about all summer.”

“Okay,” my mom said, “but don’t be surprised when you walk home empty handed.”

“Humph, I’ve been fishing longer than you've been alive; I think I can catch one little fish.” Nanny snapped.

“It’s not such a little fish,” my mom replied.

“I know, I know,” Nanny said sarcastically, “It’s a whale that can’t be caught!”

Now, by the age of twelve, I had pretty much decided that I didn’t really like fishing anymore, (it was messy) but I loved to take a book and go with my mom just to hang out. Besides, fishing was family time and I always enjoyed going to the pond even if I didn’t partake in the activities. After hearing Nanny throw down the gauntlet, I figured, if nothing else, this fishing trip would be entertaining if not down right comical. The trash talk had already started and we hadn’t even left the house yet. I wasn’t going to miss these festivities for anything. I grabbed a book and followed Nanny and my mom down the path through the woods to the pond.

When we arrived at our destination, I positioned myself underneath a tree where I could both watch and hear the banter between Nanny and my mom. Nanny started out by casting her reel out with her favorite lure on the end.

“Monster fish my foot!” I heard Nanny mutter. “You probably got your line caught on tree stump or something. Maybe you hooked that gator!” She said to my mom.

“I know the difference between a gator and a fish!” My mom snapped, rolling her eyes. I slunk down behind my book and giggled.

The gator Nanny was referring to had been in the pond as long as I could remember. Nanny had even named him “Hog” because he had a huge nose that looked like a pig’s nose. Hog was kind of like a family pet. Every time someone would suggest removing him from the pond, my mom and grandmother would always protest. After all, that would be like stealing someone’s dog. No one could take the gator, he was practically family. He had a name and everything!

“Well,” Nanny continued, “Your big fish doesn’t seem to like my plastic worm. Maybe he would like a little live bait instead.” She laid down her reel and picked up her small cane pole and baited the hook. She put the line out and within a couple of minutes she had a tiny brim on the hook. She removed the tiny fish and proceeded to bait the hook on her reel with it. This was trick I had seen her use many times before. If you want to catch a big fish, she would say, use a little fish. Nanny cast out her line and waited. She didn’t have to wait very long.

I heard the familiar zing of the line when the bass grabbed the bait. Nanny was caught off guard and she actually yelped with excitement. Nanny never yelped, so I knew something was up.

“Get the net!” She yelled. I could tell that whatever Nanny had hooked was pretty big because it was fighting and her reel looked as though it was about to break in two. My mom ran up beside her with the net ready to help her get the fish out of the water once it was close enough into shore. About that time, the fish jumped up out of the pond and we could see just how large it really was. No one had exaggerated about the size of that bass; it was the biggest one I had ever seen. I tossed my book and ran to help, but Nanny had the situation well under control. That fish may have been a fighter, but he had nothing on my grandmother.

Like a seasoned pro, she reeled in the line and then let the fish run a bit. She called this letting him tire himself out. She would reel a little more and repeat the process. Pretty soon, she had the bass almost all the way into shore. The bass jumped with one final lurch and this time, to the horror of all of us, he actually came off of the hook and landed right in the shallow water near Nanny’s feet. Stunned, none of us moved, including the fish. He just lay there completely exhausted from fighting to get off of the line. Suddenly, Nanny did something completely uncharacteristic and a little bit crazy. She literally threw herself down on top of the fish. My mother turned white as a ghost, I thought she might actually pass out. Nanny had just flung herself face down into the water and she couldn’t even swim! My mom and I both ran into the water to help her sit up so she didn’t drown. The fish had regained consciousness and realized that there was a crazy old lady on top of him. He started fighting again. He was too slippery to pick up and put into the net so Nanny just held him down.

In all of the commotion, none of us noticed that the alligator, Hog, had popped his head up out in the middle of the pond. Once he saw the flurry of activity at the water’s edge, he began streaking across the pond toward where Nanny was sitting on top of the bass.

“Uh, Nanny,” I said excitedly, “That gator is coming this way and he is moving fast! You had better get up now!” Nanny was still sitting in the water with the fish between her feet.

“If that gator wants this fish, then he’d better be prepared to wrestle me for him, because I caught this bass and I mean to keep him!” She replied though clenched teeth.

“Mama, let go of that fish and get up out of that water, now!” My mom barked. “That gator won’t wrestle you for that fish; he’ll just eat you both, now get up!”

“Nanny, he is swimming pretty fast.” I warned.

“I’m not letting go of this fish, I caught him and he’s mine!” Nanny yelled back.

“Oh good God!” I heard my mom mutter under her breath. Nanny just sat, holding onto her fish and staring down the gator. The gator kept moving, staring Nanny down. It was like a scene out of a bad western movie. I knew this could get real ugly, real quick, if my mom and I didn’t do something. I frantically looked around for something to throw at the gator to distract him or possibly hit him with if he actually got a hold of Nanny. I didn’t think tossing my book at him would quite do the trick. I picked up the net my mom had dropped in all of the excitement. I figured if we couldn’t get the fish into it maybe I could hit the alligator over the head with it if he grabbed Nanny’s foot. My mom had picked up a big stick and was wielding it like a baseball bat. For a split second, I wasn’t quite sure if she meant to crack the alligator over the head or Nanny. We were a pitiful site, but I poised myself, net in hand, ready for a fight.

Suddenly, as if we both had divine inspiration, my mother and I dropped our weapons, each of us hooked Nanny underneath one arm and dragged her up out of the water’s edge and onto the shore. Nanny was still triumphantly holding onto that damn fish and smiling like she’d won the lottery.

Luckily, getting Nanny and the bass onto land was enough to make the gator stop swimming. My guess was that he didn’t figure Nanny nor the fish was worth actually dragging himself up onto the bank. I didn’t really blame him, I was pretty sure Nanny was ready to go a couple of rounds with him if he decided to challenge her. I was still leery though, so I kept one eye on Hog and one eye on my grandmother as I helped her get to her feet.

“That wasn’t so hard now was it?” she asked. I decided against reminding her she had almost been eaten by an alligator. “Get me that bucket,” she continued. “My work here is done; I’m taking my fish home.”

“There won’t be any more fish around with that gator looming so close,” my mom replied in an irritated tone. “We all may as well go home.”

“You want me to carry the fish for you Nanny, he looks kind of heavy.” I asked, reaching for the bucket in which she had placed him.

“No!” She snapped, smacking the back of my hand. “I caught him and I’ll carry him to the house!” I heard my mom chuckling behind me. I shot her a dirty look and retrieved my book that I had tossed into the bushes when all of the excitement began.
“I’m going to weigh this monster, first thing when we get to the house!” I heard Nanny declare as she walked ahead of my mom and me.

Back at home, we all stood around the scale as Nanny hoisted the enormous fish up on to it. “Eight pounds!” She exclaimed. “That’s the biggest fish ever caught in that pond!”

“Are you going to clean him tonight, Nanny?” I asked.

“Nope, I have a better idea,” she replied with a grin.

The next day, customers stopped and marveled at the site. My grandmother stood behind the cash register and beamed with pride. Nanny, being ever the show woman, decided to place the fish in the big meat cooler that was in our store. She put him in a huge pan and placed it right up front next to the glass, so that everyone walking by the meat counter would see the gigantic fish. She wanted everyone to know just who had snagged the “uncatchable” fish.

“Miss Maude, you bought that fish at the market as a joke. There ain’t no way you went down to that pond and caught that monster we’ve all been trying to catch for weeks!” One customer scolded.

“How did you do it?” Someone else asked. All day long customers came and went in and out of the store and the whole community was buzzing again, but this time it was about how my grandmother had caught the giant fish that no one else could.

Nanny told her story over and over about hooking the bass and fighting him until he was so exhausted he couldn’t swim away even after he jumped off of the hook. She told how she had thrown her body on top of him and held him down until he relented and she triumphed. She conveniently left out the part where my mom and I had to drag her out of the water before the gator got her, but what the heck, it was her story. My mom and I never said a word. We just smiled and winked at each other.

I’m not sure if there really was a lesson to be learned from this fish tale; other than do not mess with a little old lady on a mission to catch a fish. However, if anything, I did begin to see Nanny in a whole other light. I always viewed her as the ever quick witted, but somehow very serious parental figure that held our family together like super glue. After this little excursion, I saw her as the pretty cool chick that she really was and the kind of person I hoped to become (minus the gator wrestling aspirations, of course).

Another Day, Another Deal Breaker

2008-09-04T11:20:00.000-07:00

Confidence is a must have for me in a man. This little revelation hit me like a bus recently. Apparently, for me, it's one of those hidden deal breakers you don't realize is there until you fall over it. This all became very clear to me while dating Prospect A and Prospect B(AKA "The Cuddler", that's a story for a different post).

If you remember in a previous post, I alluded to the fact that there was something missing with Prospect B that I couldn't quite put my finger on. And even though Prospect A seemed to be less into me, I was still more attracted to him than I was Prospect B, who was completely into me. I finally figured out the difference was confidence level.

Prospect B didn't seem to have much experience with women and even though he did everything "right" (ie calling, showing up on time, etc), he always seemed like he was checking things off of a list.

Hug after the second date: check
Held hands on the third date: check
Put arm around her on the third date: check
Kiss on the fourth date: check

I felt like I was in high school! There didn't seem to be any spontaneity that comes with confidence in yourself. Everything seemed very scripted. He seemed very afraid of making the wrong move too soon. His lack of confidence was not very appealing to me. In fact, it became a huge turnoff.

Prospect A, on the other hand, was full of confidence. No awkward, trying to put this arm around me at the movies, no weird sort of hug at the end of the night. If he wanted to hold my hand, he grabbed it. If he wanted a kiss, he just did it. No wishy washy stuff. That's what I like in a guy. A "just do it" attitude.

If I could only find a "just do it" guy that liked me back, we'd be in business!

Learning How to Live

2008-09-02T07:45:00.001-07:00

After my very spontaneous weekend of driving down to Cocoa Beach to check out their annual surfing festival, I can say that I am truly learning how to live! Who needs plans and reservations and crazy stuff like that!?!?! Just get in the car, pick up a friend and drive down to see what trouble you can get into.

I didn't actually get into any trouble mind you, but I did enjoy getting to the beach and checking out the HOTT surfer dudes. If only I were a few years younger. But I digress. The weekend was great and I even got a little sun and some much need time to relax on the beach.

The water was too turbulent to swim much, but the weather was great once the showers passed. The surf was so loud that even the sounds of the Marleys (Bob and Ziggy) pouring through the ear buds of my ipod could not drown it out. (Thank you Tropical Storm Hannah and Hurricane Gustav!)

All in all, even with the crazy weather in the Gulf and the Caribbean, it was a great weekend. Eating amazing food and drinking great beer on a beach can't be beat. Maybe that's why they call it paradise?!?!?

That's living my friends!

Perspective....It's a Beautiful Thing!

2008-08-27T06:21:00.000-07:00

I will never complain again about the types of men I attract! After reading messages boards and dealing with friends I know who have attracted a few losers, I've come to realize I'm not in bad shape at all.

I've never attracted any real weirdos to speak of. I've mostly gone out a few guys who weren't sure what they wanted or who weren't all that into to me or visa versa. I've never gone out with any serial killers, abusers, drug addicts, pedophiles, or all around psychos. I've actually dated pretty normal guys, with the occasional strange personality thrown in for kicks. (I'll have to blog about the The Sniffer one day.)

Listening to the trials and tribulations of a few people I know, has only increased my awareness that we really do wind up attracting other people into our lives based on what "vibes" we are putting out. For example, a person very close to me recently went through the ending of a long term relationship, to which she responded by jumping into a long distance relationship with someone new a month later. She recently moved in with this person (that she's known for less than six months)and has now gone through two MAJOR betrayals of trust. And still she wants to be with him. I'm pretty sure her vibe of desperation and just wanting to be with someone (anyone) attracted this unworthy character to her. This is the reason your friends/therapists/sisters tell you to deal with your grief and other issues before jumping into a new relationship!

In any event, I feel as if I am at least on the right path, minus a Sniffer or two, I haven't made any really bad choices so far. I just gotta deal with my own vibes. Possibly the one dealing with my own freedom issues?!?!?!

Question of the Day

2008-08-21T06:02:00.000-07:00

Exactly when do you tell a guy about your little blogging habit? I'm having a difficult time with this one. There *may* be a cute boy that I have been spending time with whom I'm beginning to feel the need to divulge my writings to. However, I'm not sure when this is appropriate or how to even bring up the subject. I don't want to spook the boy.

I know some of you bloggers out there have written about who you've allowed to read your blog, and some of you have decided not to tell family or significant others about your writings. So, who do you guys tell and when do you tell them? Especially when you are dating and your blog is about dating!!!!

It's not like I'm chronicling my sexual history or bad mouthing people I've gone out with. Mostly I pose crazy questions and write about my personal observations on trying to date in your 30's. I have no guilt about my blog, in fact, I've corresponded with some pretty cool people because of it. (Not to mention you guys give better advice than some therapists.) I'm just not sure I'm ready to put it out there and be judged for it.

Anyone else have a similar dilemma? Advice (and smartass comments) welcome.