Slay, Monstrobot of the Deep!!

Bold Fashion Choices--Thorn!!

2009-11-25T10:16:00.000-05:00

I'm sure she gets this all the time:

Thorn, dearie, you really do need a new costume...

From Showcase '95 #4.

Exclusive Blackest Night #5 Preview!!

2009-11-24T07:01:00.001-05:00

This isn't the kind of thing we usually do here, but this is too big an opportunity for us to pass up!!

Please don't ask me how I got this--I'd hate for anybody to lose their job over this--but here at Slay Monstrobot we have obtained some exclusive, never before seen panels from the upcoming Blackest Night #5!! Enjoy:

It's all there. Green Lantern? Check. Dead heroes rising from the grave? Check. Said dead folks resorting to the incredibly effective tactic of adolescent taunting of our heroes? Check. Heroes acting stunningly helpless in the face of such fierce taunting? Check.

So, there you go. We've been thrilled to bring you an exclusive scoop of--

Wait a minute. You say that's not Hal Jordan, Green Lantern, but Alan Scott, Sentinel? And there are no black rings flying around saying "FLSH!" or power countdowns??

Let me look...Hey, hold on here!! This is a 15-year old comic!!

You mean to tell me that so far it's taken DC 4 extra-size issues and four tie-in mini-series and countless crossovers to cover exactly the same ground that R.A. Jones and Gene Gonzales and Wade von Grawbadger finished up in only 10 pages in Showcase '95 #1 (and cover it again and again and again...)??

Maybe that explains why I didn't even get one of those incredibly-sought-after chintzy colored-plastic rings with this issue (because heaven knows, I'm willing to spend $3.99 on a book I wouldn't ordinarily buy just to get a 25¢ novelty!).

Gee, I guess that's my mistake then. Sorry, guys. Never mind.

Manic Monday Bonus--Don't Tell PETA

2009-11-23T14:50:00.000-05:00

I've already had my (waaay too overlong) say on Star Trek XI: No Subtitle.

But with the film out on video now, I just had to note one more thing.

In this movie, Scotty admits to murdering a dog as part of a unauthorized scientific experiment. And everybody in the audience laughs.

Now that's screenwriting. Michael Vick should have had Kurtzman and Orci on his defense team...

Manic Monday--"This Is Not A Spineless Offer!"

2009-11-23T12:23:00.000-05:00

Just to prove that middle-aged music executives weren't always clueless gumbies who didn't know how to communicate with the day's youth, here's a beauty of an ad from Deathlok #16 (1992):

You can click to embiggen (and see by crappy cut and paste job I did to scan a double page spread). But let me hit you with the gist.

Every month Warner Music would send you something called a "VHS video cassette" via the "U.S. Postal Service" containing 10 of something called "rock videos." And they'd only charge you $2.98 each (plus shipping and handling...shhh).

Plus, "up to 6 times a year," you'd receive "special video tapes" containing "cutting edge artists" in "your preferred musical interest." Also for just $2.98 each (plus inconsequential shipping and handling...shhh).

In other words, you'd be paying 54 bucks annually (plus shipping and handling, which would ad what, another 30-40 smackers onto the bill?) for VHS tapes of music videos you could watch for free on MTV (who, believe it or not, still showed some videos in those days...), and even tape for yourself if you were so inclined.

But really, they're not trying to con the youth market: look at all the ridiculously inappropriate use of adjectives:

How rad!! That's EXACTLY how kids talked then!! There's nothing at all phony or condescending about that!! It's all about faux-attitude!! Rock on!!

Well, at least they got one thing right:

Damn straight...no way I'm cutting up my Deathlok!!

What If JMS Had Written Batman All Along?

2009-11-22T10:01:00.006-05:00

Picture, if you will, Detective Comics #33 (1939), as scripted by J. Michael Straczynski:

Amended dialogue borrowed from Brave And The Bold #29, featuring Batman and Brother Power The Geek.

You know, if there's any DC comic that should be fun with a capital F, it's B&TB. And if there's any DC mag that's been less fun since JMS took over, I'm at a loss as to what it could be. Ambitious, perhaps...but also plodding, moralizing, depressing and the apotheosis of what a team-up mag featuring DC characters shouldn't be.

Here a quote from DC's The Source blog, where JMS was describing what he intended this issue:

And I’ll tell you this much: after this issue, nobody’s going to wonder why on earth I’d use the Geek in a story with Batman. And a lot of those who laughed at the notion, won’t be laughing by the end of the issue.

Well, sir, many of us weren't laughing in derision, we were laughing in delight at some of the story possibilities. But you're 100% right, Mr. Straczynski: we definitely weren't laughing by the end of the issue.

Note: I must acknowledge that Caleb did a much better job of picking on the dialogue than I did, and does a better job of picking out reasons why the JMS run on B&TB is so annoying...

Mental Health Day

2009-11-21T20:32:00.001-05:00

No post today...

...sigh...

Friday Night Fights--Ghost In The Machine Style!!

2009-11-20T17:30:00.004-05:00

The 1990s wasn't just the time of Marvel's loudest, suckiest era...although it was that.

It was also the time of cyberpunk. And cyber wars. And Cybermen (oh, wait, that was 30 years earlier...as per usual, Doctor Who was ahead of its time, albeit in a creaky, low-budget way).

Thanks to William Gibson and Neuromancer, anything even vaguely sounding like it involved mind and machine had such a cachet of cultural coolness that of course the comic companies leapt at any chance to be on that bandwagon. That's why some of the major story arcs in the early 90s Deathlok run had titles like "Soul Of The Cyberfolk" and "Cyberwar" and "Cyberstrike."

So, when Deathlok #19 (1993) came along, it's no surprise that, along with an unnecessary chromium cover, we had a fight in...wait for it...cyberspace!!

When Michael Collins/Deathlok uses his "cybertek" to "jack into" the "mainframe" of the "cyborg supersoldier" Siege, he is confronted in "cyberspace" by the "artificial intelligence" program that is all that remains of John Kelly, the previous inhabitant of the Deathlok body.

But, despite all the "cyber" talk, this is still a comic book, so it's all just an excuse for a good old fight:

Damn, even in cyberspace, a face-kick is a face kick...

I fear Spacebooger is living in my computer, waiting to wallop me...

Deathlok #19 (1993) comes to us via Gregory Wright, Walter McDaniel and Kim DeMulder.

The Fourth Member--Et Tu, Brute?

2009-11-19T13:08:00.000-05:00

Well, after yesterday's thrill ride, can the Frightful Four possibly fail?

Hee hee...of course they can, they're the Frightful Four. I mean, duh.

We leap forward to Fantastic Four #178:

The Reed Richards from Counter-Earth has turned evil and joined the Frightful Four as the villainous Brute! Thundra and Tigra tried to help out, but were captured!! George Perez draws great giant propeller/cage thingies!! The ultimate triumph of evil!!

The big question is, how did Reed 2 turn evil, and get to Earth? Well, you see, a few issues back the FF were on Counter-Earth, helping the High Evolutionary fight off Galactus. All this action revealed the existence of the High Guy's fake asteroid lab, and C-E authorities sent their Reed Richards to investigate.

There, he finds the ship the FF used to get there, and while exploring...

Oh, dear, we've gone all Gilligan's Island. C'mon, Roy Thomas--you pull off a master coup of nerdishness by making Reed 2 your big reveal and fourth member...and then you cheese it all away with the old "blow to the head turned me evil" chestnut?? Really??

So, after stowing away to Earth, Reed/Brute saw the ad in the Daily Bugle (because after coming to a new planet, obviously the first thing you do is check the classifieds!!), and joined up with our fearsome foursome in time to save the day for evil.

Now, however, he proves he doesn't really belong, because he displays enough common sense to want to kill the FF immediately. The frightful ones, however, disagree:

But the Wizard halts the rampage by revealing their true plan:

Yes, they're going to hold the FF for a billion dollar ransom from New York City. Despite the fact that, at the time, NYC was notoriously broke. And even though the Wizard has perfected anti-gravity, and could be a billionaire from the patents. And even though Trapster has invented the world's toughest paste, AND a solvent that can dissolve any adhesive...again a patent worth a lot of dough. And even though their newest member is an evil Reed Richards, who probably craps a billion dollars worth of patents before breakfast and would be unfettered by morals about selling weapons, etc. Seriously, WHY are these peoples criminals?!?!? Why do they need to ransom the FF???

Meanwhile, prepare for a dose of "political satire," as New York mayor Abe Beame calls various presidential candidates asking for help in raising the billion:

Ho ho, ho ho.

So it looks like the ransom is not going to be paid, and the National Guard is camped outside the Baxter Building...

...and why weren't they there when the Wizard publicly advertised a gathering of super-villains??

Now the Wizard reveals exactly what he plans to do with that billion dollars:

We won't kill the FF when we have them...instead we'll use that billion...to help us kill the FF?!? Man, some super-villains shouldn't be allowed to play with normal scissors, if you know what I'm saying...

So, when the money's not there, Wizard is ready to throw the switch...

When...

OK, crazy deus ex machina time. Back in FF #177, at the start of this little mess, the Impossible Man was hanging with the FF. But early in the battle, he got a little...distracted:

And he's been watching TV THE ENTIRE TIME!! Remember snell's Third Law Of Comic Writing: The more powerful your character, the stupider the excuse you need to keep him from wrapping up the whole issue in one panel. It's therefore a measure of how powerful the Impossible Man is, when the best thing they could figure was: have him watch TV all day and night.

Then, by a ridiculous coincidence, the 3am deadline for the ransom is exactly the same time as:

That's right, children, TV stations didn't always broadcast all 24 hours of the day, or fill the dead time with infomercials. They actually stopped broadcasting, just putting up a "test pattern." Weird, I know. Anyway, Impy decides the problem must be a lack of power to the television, and so...at coincidentally the precise moment the Wizard flips the switch:

Yes, Wizard, it means that:

In the ensuing melee, the Brute threatens Sue:

...which leads to the shocking development:

That's right...Reed loses his power to stretch at precisely the moment another Reed who can't stretch is hanging around. You can see what's coming, can't you? Man, Roy was really leaning on the old coincidence machine this issue...

So, just because Perez demanded more panels of the Thing punching people:

And Tigra proves that, even wrapped up in paste and floating around, she's still tougher than the Wizard...

...well, for the Wizard, it's always about gender, isn't it?!?

Whatta putz.

As the battle wraps up, Brute/Reed grabs our Reed for a little one-on-one killin':

The rest of the frightful ones end up the way they usually do:

And by the time everyone manages to find Reed:

Ah, so the good Reed managed to put the bad Reed in the Negative Zone...or did he?!?

Man, that was the fastest clothing switch ever. And, unless Reed had already been wearing green trunks, involves some uncomfortable imagery...and nobody in the FF thinks to maybe be suspicious, or ask questions (like how a powerless Reed beat the Brute), or at all consider that maybe they've got the wrong Reed.

So, for the next several issues, our Reed was trapped in the Negative Zone, while the FF were led by the Brute. And how was this all resolved? In FF #183, by Bill Mantlo & Sal Buscema (and plotted by essentially the whole Marvel Bullpen...):

Yes, if there's anything lamer than the "blow to the head made me evil," it's got to be the ultra-convenient "the concussion that made me evil has worn off." Sigh...

So...fourth member who ultimately turns good? Check. Have the FF at your mercy but refuse to kill them for some half-baked reason? Check. Defeat snatched from the jaws of victory? Check. Still 500 time losers? Check. Still the Frightful Four we know and pity...

The Fourth Member--American Idol!!!

2009-11-18T10:21:00.010-05:00

Well, we're finally back where this whole mess started.

It's 1976, It's Fantastic Four #176, it's Roy Thomas and George Perez. The FF have just returned from a space jaunt, having visited Counter-Earth.

(For those who have a life, Counter-Earth was an artificial duplicate of Earth created by the High Evolutionary to play God upon...it was located "exactly opposite" of Earth's orbit, so most people didn't even know it was there. Yes, I know that's not how orbits work. It's comics).

So, anyway, after hiring an unknown who would later turn out to be a hero; after brainwashing a hero whose brainwashing wore off; after once again hiring an unknown who would later turn out to be a (sort of kind of) hero; and after boldly deciding that a group named the Frightful Four was better off with only 3 members...after all of that, the Wizard and company have finally decided to try a new strategy to fill that fourth slot:

Oh, dear. Seriously, Wizard, don't you actually know any other super-villains? Couldn't you simply call up Diablo or Mysterio or someone and say, "Hey, wanna be in our group?" Putting out a classified ad doesn't seem to be the brightest way to go. But it will mean an awful lot of fun for us readers...

Rushing home, the FF discover that, for the 19th time, the Frightful ones have penetrated the Baxter Building's security:

As I mentioned when this series started, that panel sent my friend and I into a tizzy, a month-long scavenger hunt through Marvel history, trying to figure out who that "most fearsome" new fourth member could be. We needn't have bothered, as we'll see...

We jump forward to FF #177...where we spend a couple of pages talking. But at least Roy has the good sense to be quite tongue-in-cheek about how lame the Frightful ones are, and their classified ad idea:

Battle breaks out...

Note: as you can see from those panels, Reed's stretching powers have become unstable of late. That will become an important plot point later.

The Fantastics have the Frightfuls on the run...at least seemingly. When one of their members is known as the Trapster, though, perhaps the FF should have expected...a trap!!

Which leads to the Frightful Four putting their captives into the most ridiculous, yet most sublimely brilliant, contraptions ever.

No, I don't know whether Reed just had a giant propeller laying around, or if the Wizard brought it with him. All I know is: George Perez...bless you.

We should also note that this is the 15th time the Frightful ones have had the FF defeated and at their mercy...and don't kill them. But, believe it or not, the Wizard actually has a plan this time!!

First, though, the villain try-outs...as we've got a lobby full of costumed evil-doers waiting!!

Now, you know the early "audition" episodes of American Idol each season? The one where...ahem...obviously untalented...people somehow convince themselves that embarassing themselves on national television is somehow a good thing? Well, prepare for the comic book version of this, as every time the elevator door opens, we get Roy & George's version of William Hung, three decades early. First up:

Rule #1--don't piss off the Wizard.

Next up?

Hey, a dude with real powers!! This is bound to work, right??

D'oh!! Seriously...you let him go over money? You doofuses... (for the record, the "other bunch'a fellas" was S.H.I.E.L.D., and the Twister would go on to be one of their Super-Agents in the pages of Captain America. Seriously--S.H.I.E.L.D. pays better than the Frightful Four?!?)

Next off the elevator??

Don't these dudes have a camera to monitor who is coming up? A bouncer in the lobby? Is there any excuse for letting a traitorous former member come up and beat the bejeebers out of you? Is Medusa in line, too? Fortunately, once again the Trapster saves the day:

Hmmm. That's twice the Trapster has saved the day. Hell must have icicles today..Hang on, it's time for the next one off the elevator:

Finally!! A winner!!

D'oh!! By the way, we learn in later years that Captain Ultra's real name is Griffin Gogol...try saying that 5 times fast...also, that Captain Ultra was essentially the Sentry before Marvel felt the need to come up with the Sentry. Ultra-breath?!?

Our next contestant eschews the elevator for a more direct approach.

Now, we can forgive the Frightful Four a bit here...at this point, Tigra was still a relatively unknown player in the Marvel universe. This was pre-Avengers, pre-impregnated by Skrull Pym, so they can be forgiven for not immediately recognizing her as a hero. Still, get ready for the third time (THREE!!!) that they accept an unknown female who will turn out to be a hero and betray them:

So Tigra manages to free the Torch and the Thing, and the Wizard puts out a general call for help:

So most of the wannabes were just...wannabes. But there's this one guy:

How strong is the Brute??

That strong.

Meanwhile, the Wizard takes Tigra for a spin.

Now, despite a size disadvantage, Ben holds his own:

Until:

Howzat? How did the Brute manage to decipher the use of Reed Richards' most complex machinery?? Because, my friends, the Brute is really:

No wonder we never guessed the fourth member back in the day. The Brute? The Reed Richards from Counter-Earth?? Sure, he had appeared back in the old Marvel Premiere and original Warlock series several years earlier. But that was pretty dang obscure, Roy.

So the Frightful Four finally have a new member!! How's that gonna work out? Why has Counter-Earth's Reed Richards turned evil? Who is going to rescue the FF and Thundra and Tigra? What's the Wizard's actual plan?!? Tune in tomorrow, true believers, for a special guest appearance by Ronald Reagan, the fastest clothing change in history, and the biggest deus ex machina since the Mother Box!!

Things Were Different In Those Days, You See...

2009-11-17T20:42:00.005-05:00

Back in his early 90s run, Deathlok had a two-part fight/team-up with the Punisher (#6-7) as well as a two-part fight/team-up with Ghost Rider (#9-10) (not to mention an earlier 4-part team-up with Misty Knight, the Fantastic Four, the X-Men, and the Avengers...you think Marvel was trying to push Deathlok, or what??).

Which lead, in the letters page of Deathlok #19 (1993), to a question from Thomas Cregan of Staten Island, New York:

The response, which proves that the 1990s were indeed a very different era:

Yup. Here we had crossover stories with the Punisher and Ghost Rider, and had absolutely no plans for a trade. It apparently hadn't even occurred to them. You see, young ones, back in those days even storyline in every comic wasn't automatically put out in a trade, even ones with hyper-popular characters.

In 2009, of course, not only would Marvel have had a trade for those stories, but the trade would have been solicited before the stories in the single issues were even published, "readers' requests" be damned.

Not to go all Nostradamus here, but the next big implosion in the comics industry? At some point libraries, Barnes & Noble & your local comic shoppe are going to stop automatically buying this deluge of trades...beware...

Oh, FYI, Deathlok #19 had a chromium cover. No reason...it wasn't an anniversary, it was part 3 of a 5 part story...they just wanted to do a chromium cover. Bless you, 1990s...bless you.

Quiz Answer

2009-11-17T10:18:00.004-05:00

Obviously, I didn't hide it too well, as those who did guess got it right:

Yes, Deathlok #18 was the LOUDEST comic of December 1992.

Ah, the 1990's, when "guaranteeing" that your comic was "THE LOUDEST" was actually a selling point...sigh.

Manic Monday--1990's Quiz

2009-11-16T12:45:00.002-05:00

The following blurb was from the cover of a Marvel comic cover dated December 1992:

Was "the LOUDEST comic book you'll read all month":

A) Battletide #1 (starring Death's Head II and Killpower, guest-starring Dark Angel and Tuck and Psylocke and Motormouth and Wolverine)

B) Death's Head II (Volume II) #1 (guest-starring the X-Men)

C) Deathlok #18 (guest-starring Silver Sable)

D) Gun Runner #3

E) Motormounth #7 (with Killpower & guest-starring Cable)

F) Ravage 2099 #1

G) Silver Sable & The Wild Pack #7 (guest-starring Deathlok)

H) Terror, Inc. #6 (guest-starring the Punisher)

I) Warheads #7 (guest-starring Death's Head II)

J) X-Force #17 (Chapter 8 of X-Cutioner's Song)

Man, the 90s sucked, huh? But the comics were...LOUD!!!!!!!!!!!

Quiz answer tomorrow (and looking it up on GCD is cheating!!)...

We Interrupt This Broadcast

2009-11-15T16:42:00.002-05:00

No post today--

Too busy playing!!

In Which snell Gets Ridiculously Hyper-Nitpicky About A Comic Book Depiction Of A Baseball Game

2009-11-14T11:04:00.004-05:00

Let's get this out of the way up front--I loved Strange #1, it was great execution of a great story, a fine set-up for what looks to be an awesome mini-series (and nothing against Doctor Voodoo, but I would much rather see a Stephen Strange ongoing than a Jericho Drumm ongoing).

But, man, do I get anal at poor depictions of baseball in media. Seriously, nothing raises my blood pressure faster than seeing every goddamn baseball move of the past 20 years incorrectly use the "hidden ball trick"--the way they show it is illegal, and would award the runner a free base!! And don't get me started on Anthony Perkins portraying a major leaguer....shudder...

So I'm about to get hyper-nitpicky here, because I loves me my baseball...so if you really don't care, you might want to skip to the next post. Sorry.

Because, as much as I loved the Emma Rios art in this issue--and I did indeed love it--there's little evidence that she or anyone else involved in the production of the art has actually seen a baseball diamond, let alone an actual baseball game.

By the way, let me mention that not only did this issue feature Rios as "artist," it had Christina Strain as "color artist," Irene Y. Lee as "production," and Alan Fine as "executive producer." (What, is Marvel becoming like Fringe??!?) Along with an associate editor (Lauren Sankovitch) and an editor (Tom Brevoort), enough people were in charge that somebody should have been more on top of this...

And, yes, since demon-cast illusions are part of the story, you could argue that the following problems are actually supposed to be there. But then again, since these illusions are supposed to make it look like an actual baseball game, and none of the thousands of fans in attendance noticed anything askew, that answer doesn't hold any water for hyper-picky baseball lovin' snell.

Exhibit the first:

The Larks' field. Mostly a good portrayal, except for

A) Where, exactly, does the runner on first base think he's going?? Why is he standing a kajillion feet out of the basepath? Apparently the shortest route between two bases isn't a straight line...Plus, it's a surefire recipe for getting picked off.

B) What, exactly, are those white things at the edge of the infield grass?? Slip 'N' Slides? Some kind of odd basepath markers? I've never seen anything like them on any baseball diamond anywhere...

I show you this next picture because everything is (pretty much) right in it...

...and as a contrast to the very next panel:

Exhibit the second.

This is one panel later...our perspective hasn't shifted much...but suddenly we have chalk lines all over the danged place??

A) What the hell is this line? It seems to be running parallel to the line between first base and second, but across the outfield. WTF?? Is it the right field foul line, just horribly out of position? It wasn't there in either of our other two views of the field...

B) There's a line between first and second? Granted, in the days of crappy astroturf fields, they sometimes had one on the "grass" to illustrate the "basepath." But this ain't no astroturf field, and it wasn't there in the other shots. Still, at least this time, the baserunner is actually on the basepath...

C) Well, technically, there's nothing wrong with this line...(although you'll notice in the second picture, there it was a double line, which is inaccuurate...). But I just wanted to note that, based on the perspectives in this drawing, the distance between second base and third base is about 12 feet, and the baseball "diamond" portrayed is more of a rectangular, football field shaped affair.

I know, I know, like I said, hyper nit-picky. But that's all in just the first two pages of the story!! And with artists and producers and executive producers and associate editors and editors, you'd think somebody at some point might have actually looked to see what an actually baseball diamond actually looks like. I'm just sayin'...

(And no, Mark Waid doesn't get off the hook completely...the manager "not coming out of his office for the game" is unprecedented, and surely would not have gone unnoticed by the team, fans, press, etc. And if this demon team is so all-powerful, so Bugs Bunny funny-pitch making, so successfully cheating, why are they up by only 1 run in the bottom of the ninth, with the tying run on third? Really, with all the spells and demon-stuff, they're no better than a normal human team?!?!?!)

Again, let me assure you, I'm being ridiculously hyper-nitpicky. And I really did love the story a lot. Best part:

Someone calling Stephen Strange an asshat. Never thought I'd see that...

Friday Night Fights--Freelance Style!!

2009-11-13T16:28:00.000-05:00

If you're going to break into a guy's luxury condo in his very first issue...

...you might want to spend less time warning your flunkies not to get cocky...

...and spend a little more time preparing to get your face caved in...

(Please, please, please click on the image to embiggen it to full double-page spread ultra-violence format!)

Spacebooger says: next time, use the doorbell!!

Mike Grell, Mike Grell and Mike Grell brings you his face-kicking children's author/freelance mercenary in Jon Sable, Freelance #1 (1983), wherein Ronald Reagan hires Sable to protect him from a hired assassin, and in payment allows Sable to sneak into CIA headquarters and erase all the files that prove Sable is the author of a series of children's books about leprechauns who live in Central Park. Seriously.

The Rising And Advancing Of A van

2009-11-12T20:01:00.002-05:00

OK, I know this is already all over the infraweb.

But given the origin and well-known obsessions of Slay Monstrobot, I could hardly let this pass by unnoticed.

Maxim has a new article on-line, 12 Superheroes Who Should Be On '70s Vans.

And the best one, is, clearly:

Master of Van Fu.

But seriously, Maxim...5th?? As if...

Oh, Mark Waid, How You've Let Us Down

2009-11-12T17:39:00.005-05:00

Actually, that should be "Oh, Mark Waid and Landry Walker, how you've let us down." But, there's only so much room in a post headline, and Mark Waid is the more famous one, so, there you go.

You may recall, a couple of months ago I was raving about how freakin' cool the character of Cap'n Mummy was in Incredibles #0. You may also recall that I was astonished by the appearance of this fellow:

No name, no powers, just hangin' in the background of the Confederacy Of Crime.

Well, this week, in Incredibles #2, he's back...and this time, Waid and Walker give him a name:

What??

Oh, no, indeed. What a bitter disappointment. Centsus? Really? Is that the best you can come up with??

Because A) Centsus isn't even a particularly good pun, and B) is in no way particularly evil or frightening or threatening or cool or a good villain name in any sense of the word. Because who's scared of the census?

Especially in comparison to a bitchin' name like Tronasaurus. Sigh...

I mean, you could have called him Bad Penny ("He always turns up!!"). You could have called him Coppertop, or Copperhead. You could have called him Dishonest Abe. He could be a commie, and you could call him Red Cent.

But Centsus?? Man, that's beyond lame.

So, Mr. Waid and Mr. Walker, I refuse to refer to him by that name. Until you come up with a more fitting moniker for our copper-plated Lincoln-headed villain, I'm just going to always refer to him as "Evil Penny Guy." Because I'm embarrassed to tell my friends about this rad new character called...Centsus.

Fix this. Thank you.

Say Cheese!!

2009-11-12T11:29:00.000-05:00

A couple of weeks ago we were discussing how Gary Frank simply cannot draw the human face smiling. I generally like his artwork, but it can be downright painful to watch him draw someone not in pain.

Well, it turns out that it's not just that he's required to draw Superman with Christopher Reeve's head that causes this quirk in his art. Let's travel back to Avengers #61, because even in 2003, Frank's smiles were deadly.

Because when the Vision says something nice to the Scarlet Witch...

...you had better brace yourself.

AAAIIIEEEEE!!!!!!!

Good lord, that rictus of agony is supposed to depict happiness?!?

Why hasn't Gary Frank ever drawn a Batman/Joker story? His Joker venom victims would be the best ever...

A Promise Or A Threat?

2009-11-11T13:57:00.001-05:00

During his recent Twitterfest, Bendis declared that the post-Siege Avengers and their lineup will see "the biggest change in over a decade."

Really?

Obviously, the limitations of Twitter sometimes make precision of statements difficult, and doubtless there's some amount of hyperbole involved here. So we shouldn't be too picky in evaluating Bendis' declaration.

But the biggest change in over a decade??

Marvel has said that the Big Three (Thor, Iron Man, and Captain America) will be together during the Siege, and has been dropping many hints that they will stay together in whatever the post-Siege incarnation of the Avengers might be.

Well, that would hardly be the "biggest change in over a decade", since the three were together as Avengers as recently in 2003. So bringing them back together wouldn't really be the biggest change in a decade...unless they're all coming back in drag or something.

Let's see, what else has happened in the last decade?

The United Nations put the Avengers in charge of the entire world...

One of their own members went crazy and killed several Avengers (although some of those got better), and the entire team dissolved...

Three separate and competing teams of Avengers formed, including one formed entirely of villains...and that's not even discussing the Young Avengers, or the Initiative...

One of the Avengers (who was on two different teams!!) turned out to be the Skrull Queen...

Many, many (MANY!!) "non-traditional" Avengers have joined the teams, including Spider-Man, Wolverine, Luke Cage, Doctor Strange, Iron Fist, Spider-Woman, the Sentry, Ronin...(not to mention Bullseye, Venom, Norman Osborn, etc from the Dork Avengers)...

So what, exactly, could be done to result in "the biggest change in over a decade?"

A restoration of the Big Three wouldn't come anywhere near that, either in terms of "over a decade" or "biggest change." And given the eclectic mix of characters Bendis has brought in over the last 4 years, it's hard to think whom could be brought on that would justify the "biggest change" description. He'd have to work pretty hard to come up with an odder line-up than this one, anyway.

Maybe he's reviving the West Coast Avengers??

Anyway, you're on the clock now, Bendis--you've made one hell of a big promise, and set the bar pretty high for yourself. Here at Slay Monstrobot we'll be watching to make sure you really do give us the biggest change in a decade. So this had better be bigger than the Avengers becoming the de facto world government and a sovereign entity, bigger than the dissolution of the entire team, bigger than the death of several long-time Avengers, bigger than one of the team being an alien traitor, and bigger than filling 2 of the 3 teams with people who have never been Avengers before.

Good luck...

Golden Age idol--Rang A Tang The Wonder Dog

2009-11-10T13:51:00.000-05:00

I'll just put this as simply as I can:

YOU DO NOT @#$% WITH RANG A TANG THE WONDER DOG!!

That is all.

From Blue Ribbon Comics #3 (1940), by Will Harr and Jack Binder.

Manic Monday Bonus--Best Movie Poster EVER

2009-11-09T13:48:00.000-05:00

Well, maybe not EVER, but still pretty good. And a pretty funny movie, to boot.

What is it with me and animal movies today??

Manic Monday--I'd Pay To See That

2009-11-09T12:43:00.000-05:00

Coming soon to a theater near you:

I know what you're saying...but remember, the even-numbered ones are the good ones in the "Smell That Pig" series...

Still, with that cloud, I wonder if the pig is related to Bob Phantom...

Poster from last week's Batman: The Brave And The Bold episode, "Inside The Outsiders."

Golden Age Idol--Bob Phantom!!

2009-11-08T14:23:00.008-05:00

As we continue our quest to find Golden Age characters who need to be revived, sometimes we here at Slay Monstrobot stumble across a gold mine, so to speak. Some characters were so mysterious, so unexplained, such a blank slate that they are begging for a revival.

Whom am I rambling about this time??

Of course, I refer to Bob Phantom, Scourge Of The Underworld.

Who?

So who, exactly, is this "Bob Phantom?" Why the odd name? What is his origin? What powers does he have? What's the story with that goofy costume??

That's the beauty part, we just don't know.

Bob Phantom first appeared in MLJ's Blue Ribbon Comics #2 (1939), created by Harry Shorten and Irv Novick(!). He was the first of the costumed "Archie heroes" (or second, depending upon how you count The Wizard, who just wore a tux and a domino mask in his initial appearances).

Now, in 1939, the rules were hardly set in stone...and things like origins, and explanations, and motivation weren't considered mandatory for your mystery men. So when we first meet Bob Phantom, well, we already know as much as we're ever going to.

Apparently (because there's never any explanation) his powers include teleportation, as he just bamfs in front of a truck carrying a guy about to be offed by the mob (said victim literally wearing cement shoes!!)

And Bob Phantom keeps popping up...

...eventually saving the victim...

...and then vanishing.

He confronts the gang, but bullets don't seem to hurt him:

The mob boss decides to hide in a locked room...

...which doesn't really help against a teleporter:

And that is it. We never really get his powers spelled out--not for the entirety of his nearly three year run. Obviously he's an early version of Nightcrawler. But can Bob Phantom do anything else? Sometimes he seems like he can walk through walls...but that's probably just his bamfing. Sometimes he seems super strong...but that could just be the Golden Age at work, where heroes are always much stronger than thugs. He always seems to be aware of what the bad guys plans are, where their hideout is, etc. Telepathy? Lazy writing? He's always followed around by this dense yellow cloud--like Nightcrawler's "brimstone?" Or digestive problems?

We do learn Bob Phantom's secret identity. He's Walt Whitney, who write a gossip column about Broadway for an unnamed newspaper:

Now, maybe it's just me, or maybe it's 1939, but you don't really expect to see a Broadway gossip column passing along crime stories, or mocking the police for not being able to catch crooks:

Anyway, lest you think I'm editing away useful information here, this is literally all we ever know about our hero. We never find out how or why Walt Whitney gets his power(s). We never learn why he chooses the odd name of "Bob Phantom" (as opposed to Joe Phantom, or Ernst Phantom, or Horatio Phantom, or...). We never learn the story of his goofy, hodgepodge costume...which seems mainly designed to constantly display Bob's...uh..."little phantom."

What a complete cipher of a character!!

Mark Waid and Alan Kupperberg did sort of bring back Bob Phantom in DC's Impact line back in the early 1990s: Bob Brooks was a reporter who adopted a fake superhero identity in order to get close to the Comet for an interview:

He had no powers, was a real klutz, and kept getting into trouble and/or capturing low level bad guys by accident.

Now, you might say, that is nothing like the original Bob Phantom, and I would say: you're exactly right. That's the beauty part: Bob was an empty vessel, into which a creative team can pour anything they want. The guy had no origin, no explanation of his power set, nothing. You don't need a retcon to bring him back, because there's nothing to retcon away!!!

So, as DC continues to run out the clock on the "Red Circle" characters before cancellation (what's the over/under? 6 months??), somebody there please revive the original Bob Phantom, and do something with him. Because you can do anything with him!! No limits!! Infinite potential!!

Simon approved:

All panels from Blue Ribbon Comics #2 (1939) or #3 (1940), except the "modern" Bob Phantom from Comet #7 (1992).

Bold Fashion Choices--Hot Scientists!!

2009-11-07T11:35:00.001-05:00

One important detail from the Ruby-Spears animated Superman series (just out on DVD):

S.T.A.R. Labs scientists wear shorter mini-skirts than Lois Lane.

I'm just sayin'...

From the 1988 episode "Fugitive From Space," written by Martin Pasko(!).

Friday Night Fights--Cold War Style!!

2009-11-06T16:59:00.002-05:00

Ah, detente was a beautiful era, was it not, comrades?

Still, as capitalist bourgeoisie puppet Spacebooger has declared that we must distract the opiated masses with decadent displays of violence, presenting to you I must be a most glorious battle against the forces of running dog oppression.

Brave Soviet warrior Titanium Man was attempting to regain favor with the people's high council in Moscow by decimating the capitalist Mecca of New York City. But the puppet dupe of warmonger Tony Stark, Iron Man, vainly attempted to prevent this most audacious of plans.

My friends, while this may not be technically a kick, only a true opponent of the proletariat revolution could deny that the noble Titanium Man's action consisted of "Feet Of Fury." (And certainly, any who still denied that might face an investigation into their loyalty from our protectors, the KGB...think carefully before you vote, comrades)

And while some may claim the glorious Soviet Union is unable to provide for the needs of its people, does not the fact that the Politburo has authorized a bonus panel for the masses disprove this propagandistic calumny? Observe the fate of the tool of the "free market" for daring to oppose dialectic materialism:

Ho, ho, ho...is good, no?

David Michelinie, Jerry Bingham and Bob Layton threw off the chains of their capitalist oppressors in Iron Man #135 (1980).