Midget Wrangler has moved to http://midgetwrangler.wordpress.com

I've moved!

2008-05-26T22:35:00.002+01:00

I've taken the plunge moved to Wordpress, I hope all my readers and lurkers will follow me!

So find me at http://midgetwrangler.wordpress.com !

Happy Belated Birthday Midget Wrangler!

2008-05-26T15:08:00.003+01:00

My blog was one year old on the 1st of May, for some reason I was confused and thought I'd begun writing at the end of May last year, sleep deprivation, whatever! This means I know my blogging friends Ash and Jo for a year too!

A hell of a lot has happened in that year, in a way it's insane I began blogging when I did, unaware of what the future held. I thought my blog would be somewhere to vent about being a stay at home mum with three young children, which it is in part but it is also a record of my marriage breaking down and breaking up, my struggling with being alone for the first time ever, my issues with my body, struggles to find myself, my experiences dating for the first time ever at 34....things I could never have foreseen! The blog still helps me now, as it is the one place I feel safe to be honest, to be myself, I don't feel as alone when I blog, I feel connected to a bigger community and that is important to me now more than ever.

I hope my blog will remain a part of my life and that I will make more connections with more fascinating people! As it is I have a record of the last year of my life, and even if the rest of the world finds it boring as hell I am amazed I managed to write it down (in what I hope was an entertaining manner) people ask me, "what's happening? What have you been up to?" I answer typically Irish..."Nothing much!" But looking back over the last 13 months, I've been up to quite a lot actually!

Wordpress or not to Wordpress that is the question!

2008-05-26T14:56:00.002+01:00

I have been blogging for a year now, and while I have found Blogger very user friendly I have run into loads of problems since I switched to the ancient Desktop, I can't comment which is driving me insane! I have no problem commenting on Wordpress blogs...

Also I am a girl...and a girlie girl at that, I would like a prettier blog and wordpress can provide that. Or am I mad, should I just stay put? Ideas?

Bag O Wine!

2008-05-26T14:32:00.003+01:00

I was in Centra in Temple Bar last Friday (when I was buying my tickets for the Burlesque ball...get them while you can!) and I saw this! Bag O Wine.......

Now I actually find screw top wine fine, it stops me struggling with the cork and probably ruining the wine, actually as my favorite drink at the moment in Prosseco there is the cork to pop...which I love! But I feel like this is a step too far, now eliminating the bottle makes the whole thing lighter, so if you were going on a picnic or something I can see how useful it would be to have a bag of wine, like an adult Capri Sun (is there a straw stuck on the side I wonder?). But apart from that it just doesn't work for me, ok less packaging, but surely glass is easier to recycle than the twp different types of plastic in the pouch and the cap?

I will buy one though...I had a great idea, freeze one, a white one...and with the alcohol it won't freeze completely it would be like a wine slushee.....Yum!

Filthy Friday on a Monday.....

2008-05-26T14:12:00.002+01:00

The winner of this weeks badge, well actually last weeks badge is Paolo in Dublin, not for any particular post but for being willing to talk about his enjoyment of spanking on the interweb! So Paolo send me you address and a badge will wing it's way to you!

Anyone else got any suggerstions of bloggers who talk openly about sex?

I was asked last week as a "Sassy" blogger who talks about sex to contribute to a documentary about sex in Ireland, but as there are other people involved, my ex and current partner, I am not gonna do it. I want to be open and honest, but I also don't want to "out" my partners sexual secrets and it's difficult to do one without the other.....Unless I was shot in darkness....with a freakishly deep voice..."Hi I'm Midge and I like sex..." !

Anyway, onwards and upwards!

2008-05-24T22:21:00.000+01:00

the feeling make me feel so good I want to do it twice.....actually more than twice!

2008-05-24T21:26:00.001+01:00

last post wouldn't let me do this!

2008-05-24T21:26:00.000+01:00

last post wouldn't let me do this!

My Dirty little (not so secret) Secret!

2008-05-24T19:28:00.004+01:00

I love Mika.... I have the album and I love that....I love his bisexuality, his pretty curly hair and the fact that there is a burlesque fan dance in this video, this song also has a great line, talking about a hooker he says "She dresses like a kid for fun..." at the moment with my embracing dressing up I totally feel like that, I feel like a little girl in my dress up clothes!

Today in the car with the three kids the song "Billy Brown" came on, now they love this song in fact my son said, put on number seven, I did and it was this song and they were singing along....the chorus is "Billy Brown fell in love with another man.." now they are singing away and my daughter 4, says "Is Billy Brown a girl?" I tell her no, he is a man, she says, "But mummy, Ms **** says only men and women love each other ?" (bloody catholic or fucking church of Ireland Montessori teacher....) "No", I say, "Some men love other men and some women love other women, everyone is different, thank God and love is love no matter who loves who..." (I know, a bit hippy dippy, but give me a break!) So my son pipes in, sure your Friends ****** and ******* live together", yes I say, and tell him a couple of friends of theirs are getting married in a few weeks, then he totally throws me by saying...."Mum? do you know any lesbians?" totally like it is just, "is there sugar puffs for breakfast?" I tell him about my friend when I was a little girl and teenager who is a lesbian and I pat myself silently on the back, I am doing ok, they are on the right page morally, if they turn out gay or straight they see no difference...Thank god!

So back to Mika....mmm...MMMika, sexy curly hair, tight white pants....sorry, back to reality!

You know what I will post next, I just love it, I saw it before it hit the mainstream last year and I just loved it, it's also the song that my daughter loves the most....she knows all the words to "Big Girl" and that fills me with joy, she might shake her ass to Gwen stick insect Stefani but she loves this song!

Again burlesque costumes although this time filled out by some "big girls", this song makes me nearly cry with joy...do you think that is strange? I love to see the joy with which the curvy flabby bits are celebrated...I know I have a vested interest, but it's not just Cos I am a big girl, much smaller than I was last year when it came out, I was a 20, now I'm a 16, although my fifties dress is made from an original 1950's pattern, and they were tiny, so my dress is a 20...but it is an amazing fit, boned, it fits so well I don't need a bra, which is great cos it's halterneck! OK, off my tangent, I love the MIKA song cos it celebrates real women's bodies, and I am so tired of listening to my friends giving out about their wonderful sexy womanly bodies!

I mean it, call me fucking stupid, I don't care, I sat in one of my friends sitting rooms today, she tried on a lovely size 10 dress, giving about her tummy, she has three kids....the youngest is 7 months old! She looks fucking amazing, I know so many amazing women, sorry Jo, but I saw your post on For Nine Pounds but you have fucking amazing boobs! I am so tired of real, sexy amazing women hiding their lights under bushels...now maybe because I am separated, and kinda single (although not at all single, I don't wear a ring) I receive amazing attention, maybe my confidence is higher, maybe I feel like I have to try harder, red lippy just to go grocery shopping!

It makes me sad that real women, not seventeen year old Lolita's feel so negative about their bodies, now don't get me wrong, when I am naked and my boobs head under my armpits for cover it is not attractive but I still feel so sexy, I love my belly, it is all saggy cos I have three kids (and sit ups don't work for seriously stretched skin!) I am what I am.I am not skinny, never was, never will be! I have to accept it! I am happy with the stretch marks and flabby bits, I am not Madonna I do not have that self control, I love...I mean LOVE bread! You don't do skiny and eat bread, unless you spend ages on the treadmill!

OK, so here is something uplifting.....was my ring tone, for years! The single came out, disappeared, then they had a hit and it was re released! I love it!!! God I am a Fag-Hag! but you have to admit the lead singer is very, very sexy!

Burlesque is back!

2008-05-24T18:43:00.002+01:00

As I still can't comment I have to respond to comments in posts.....not really great fun!

So Eoghan, this is for you, you are correct the Tassel Club isn't back until August, they are in Cork in July, and I think I might be a very naughty girl and go down for the night (waits for dirty laughter!) But the "Dublin Burlesque Ball" is on in Crush Saturday the 31st of May, so next week. I am going to that you see....

Not only am I going to that but I am also dressing up my friend that I am bringing with me, hence the need for extra gloves and false eyelashes! I actully got my dress yesterday in Retro, last week I went all Moulin Rouge meets dominatrix but this time is 1950's style, with a full underskirt, very girly, very innocent! I can't wait!

I actually love the 50's style dress so much I can see myself wearing it out on non "dress up" occasions! I was definately born in the wrong era!

So there you are, I will post a oicture of the dress during the week, need red killer shoes to go with it!

Budget Burlesque

2008-05-22T22:30:00.002+01:00

I know it's rather blurred...I'm a crap photographer, but this is the result of three hours in Dundrum today. My eldest son had a birthday party in Dundrum Movies today ( anyone with kids knows this is the birthday party fucking season.....I have two kids of party going age....May is not over....10 parties already!) so I set my self a challenge, as if a narky four year old daughter ("why can't I go to a party today!") and a teething baby weren't enough of a challenge! I set myself the challenge of buying as much burlesque themed stuff as I could for 30 euro! And for 32 euro exactly this is what I got! Penny's and Claire's accessories provided my stash.

There are very frilly panties, long red gloves, a red choker, three different head feathery things, red feathery chopsticks for my hair. I think I did really well, I totally love all the feathery silky frilliness! My daughter and I had a ball, it's funny when you set a specific shopping agenda what you come up with, I have to say she looked great with the long gloves on, and I wondered, am I a bad mother? It's not sexual, of course not, I'm not dressing her in bloody micro minis or crop tops, but it is such a huge part of being girly, the enjoyment of the sensual.

Anyway, my friend was commenting on how expensive my new interest sounded and I just wanted to say, actually if you know what you want it's not to bad, I was very disappointed thought, there was a lovely dress in H&M for 22.50 but it was only in sizes 12 to 8.....Grrr!

`Polite Conversationist no more!

2008-05-21T17:11:00.003+01:00

I have had enough, enough of being nice, enough of making polite conversation, enough of thinking about other peoples feelings before I say stuff, always thinking out everything to the very end, it's effects on everyone involved!

People who know me, or even people who only know me through my blog know my marraige ended last year ("Yeah well you never shut up about it do you.....? someone actually said that to me....another person said "You never let us forget it....") anyway, back to my tangent, marraige ended, obviously I have had to talk about it, as I am still living in the marital home with the kids, I told everyone, teachers, mutual friends, everyone, bizarre people that you don't see from one year to the next. Recently I have met several old neighbours, and I spoke about my experience with the lovely lady in the building society, but today I just had enough.

Everytime I meet someone I have to access whether or not I need to tell them, believe it or not I don't want to tell people, not because I am ashamed of being separated but I hate to see them upset and then the pity.....I really hate that, usually they will look at the kids with pity too! Makes me want to scream. So if faced with someone, I have to tell I tell a very neutral story, myself and partner separated, no details, we are all happy etc, etc, this is even the line I have said to my friends, now obviously those very close to us know the truth but each time I tell someone else I am thinking about my kids, I don't want them to know the truth, and I don't want to make my ex out to be a bad guy, I don't want to moan, I don't want to be a bitch.......ARGHHH!

So today I met a lovely lady, she was one of my first real neighbour friends when I had my first son, her husband was terminally ill and my pregnancy and the first year of my sons life corresponded with the end of his. Now we don't keep in touch as such, running into each other every six months or so, and today was that day, there she was walking towards me big smile on her face, and I just couldn't do it, she started with "You look great, the kids are all so grown up, where is ******?" My voice stuck in my throat, I just couldn't do it, I couldn't pretend all was rosey in the garden and I definately couldn't tell her the truth so I just said, "HI, sorry in a terrible hurry, see you soon!" Felt so awful!

I just don't know why I am so worried about other peoples feelings, why do I care if what I say upsets them or makes them feel uncomfortable socially, so I don't tell people the truth, I do the just tell them what they want to hear thing, that's bad is't it? I am over polite it is a social disadvantage in todays smash and grab society! Yes, I am bringing up my kids to be polite, but forceful!

Love Bites

2008-05-21T14:50:00.002+01:00

Went to visit my ex husbands aunt yesterday, the youngest in her family, never married, never left home, dedicated her life to taking care of her family until her mother died aged 82 a few weeks ago. She had a "man friend" she had been seeing for the last ten years, he made her happy, and she made him happy, but when her mother got ill he basically just backed off, lost interest, whatever. But now that the mother has passed away he is trying to get back into her good books.....it's so sad, so typical....Sorry? What's that? It's not typical...I'm just cynical and broken? Perhaps?

Then I popped down to visit my mum and dad, now mum is in an incredible amount of pain and is feeling down cos she can't do what she wants to do, what she has always done, and my dad is on his second week off work with depression (he hates his job in recent years, his health is bad too and he is "up the wall" worrying over my mum). So the two of them are stuck together, in the same house, both feeling crap. Not a recipe for loves young dream!

In fact mum burst into tears yesterday, she feels so trapped and he is driving her insane, just the incessant talking and the television being on all day, the "I'll only have a half cup of tea", "why are you doing that?""Leave it I'll do it......later!" She is just at the end of her tether, and of course as dad is a man he is so wrapped up in his own feelings he can't see any of this. My brother and I have spoken to both of them, but nothing works.

So mum was talking to me yesterday evening and she asked me to listen to what she said very carefully`, she was talking about "love", "Never, fall madly in love again, never let some man take control of your life, never live with anyone again." It was more detailed than that but I'm sure you get the drift. Now mum likes the guy I am seeing at the moment but it's nothing to do with him or his personality, it's just men, she sees so many people who are her age and unhappy, who have been unhappy for decades, she sees people my age who are unhappy but won't do anything about it. My parents married for passion, but passion can fade and all that remains is difference.

So what do I want, what do I take from this?

I suppose part of me thinks she is right, I was tightly bound up to a man for half my life, and it hurt terribly when that ended, even when still in the relationship, my natural urge to please the other person meant I sacrificed too much of myself.

I want a partner, a companion, someone to have fun with, travel with, explore the rest of my life with.....but honestly I don't know if I want to wash someone socks again, or buy their families presents at Christmas, go to stupid events I don't want to just to make them happy or suffer sitting on the sofa every evening doing the same thing night after night until covered in a thick layer of dust we expire......

Sorry, feeling so fucking negative, baby still teething, two older kids hate my guts cos I am telling them what to do...IE eat, sleep, don't play with matches. My neck and back and shoulders are so sore and tense, my chest is hurting again and I seem to have developed acid indigestion......"love, lust, procreation..." all just seems like a very clever trick by "father nature"....no way mother nature would be this cruel!

Confessional!

2008-05-20T22:26:00.004+01:00

I have angsted over posting this since Saturday, I have literally been lying in my bed thinking...should I? I went to the burlesque club on Saturday night, I felt great, I actually felt like a completely different person, which I enjoyed, (my "real" life is fine, but lacking in real excitement, so a little spice is exciting) and I drank a lot of vodka.....

Now vodka is not something I would usually drink, in fact spirits are not things I would drink when out, they are too expensive and they make me a randy drunk.

So Saturday night after the show had finished my boyfriend (well as of this moment he is still my boyfriend but I don't think he will be happy to read this post and so ......? But this is my blog, I believe in honesty about my life and my actions, and I only ever tell the truth) and I were sitting in the cocktail bar bit of the venue, chatting and drinking, I was on a vodka and adrenaline high. We spotted a couple of girls sitting down from us, one of them was chatting up the bar man while the other pleaded with some guy on the other end of her mobile, I was feeling empowered (you know watching women dance around in nipple tassels exuding sexual power makes you feel pretty good) so I went over, asked could I sit down, sat down and told her he was an idiot, she was a young beautiful woman and there were fifty guys in the club she could date who'd be better than him.....I know, believe it or not I do this even when sober, it's like late night social worker stuff!

She was lovely, a social worker, early twenties, country girl living in Dublin, (I will not describe her, or name her) and she was chatting away, she seemed perkier and her friend came back so I started saying my goodbyes, "Have a great night", I said....and she kissed me! (this is important....she kissed me, not the other way around, that alone is strange enough, I seem to be more the instigator when it comes to lust!) On the lips with tongues (well her tongue...mine was in shock) and I don't know how long it lasted but I know when she whispered in my ear "you have amazing breasts.."and started to explore the aforementioned breasts, I woke up and remembered my boyfriend was sitting 8 feet away from us!!! I got up and excused myself, went to the bar, ordered a double, downed it before facing my boyfriend, who God love him looked like an anvil had just dropped on his toe......

I was drunk, I was bold, I am sorry, but it was exciting, it was so exciting!

And that's it, the rest of the story is not for outing as it involves other people I care about, but that bit, the bit I just wrote, I am putting it up, not to hurt my boyfriend or anyone, but just for me, just a reminder that I am still alive and my life can still surprise me in funny ways... So maybe when I am feeling down, feeling a bit old, past it, dried up and discarded, I can remember the night a sexy young wan made a move on me! Superficial....Oh my God yes!

Retro!

2008-05-20T15:13:00.003+01:00

I had never been here before Saturday, when wandering through the georges street arcade the beautiful corsets and 50's style dresses caught my eye, once inside the rock band t shirts in sizes from new born to meatloaf totally dazzled me!

So with the next burlesque event less than two weeks away I am heading in on Friday to purchase a dress, corset and underskirt......I know, maybe I am silly, I always loved dressd up you see, classic black and white noir or colourful MGM musicals I love the drama the style, women look like women and men look like men. I am fond of jeans and t shirts but that's generally work clothes and I dispise the generic, unisex way men and women dress. Also the urge to dress up never left me, my daughter wore a bowler hat into school on Friday, I really don't see what is wrong with that or why waering tutu's or lepord costumes has to be limited to fancy dress parties. I know some people love to be generic, like to fit it, and I have felt such pressure since I had children, not wanting them to be jeered cos mum showed up with a nose stud (that disappeared after my first few visits to Holles street, there was an attitude!) I just want to be myself, ok ? And surely nights out where people wear everything from fetish wear to heidi costumes is a good time for dressing how I want? I won't wear the 50's attire to the parent teacher meeting, but I will wear it for "special" nights out...

Well. I say "special", I'm hoping there will be a lot more nights like the one I had on Saturday, I felt so at home, so comfortable, probably cos it's a fringe thing, kinda outsiders and I like that. I just felt so swishy! I really missed how sexy my arms and hands looked in those sexy black gloves....great for covering up less than attractive hands and nails, Madonna do yourself a favour and cover up the sinew...oh don't forget the age spots! (BITCHY!)

I just loved it! I felt like a new world opened up for me, I hope it lasts and it's not a fad for me, like my jewellery making....or the cake decoration service....or the dominatrix service!

Burlesque Midget!

2008-05-19T16:14:00.003+01:00

I can't believe I am outing myself on my blog again, but in for a penny in for a pound, and I'm having another crap Monday so looking at the picture and remembering how much fun and how great I felt on Saturday night cheers me up! Also here it is for all to see, anyone who thought I wouldn't put my money where my mouth was....Oh I did burlesque alright! You can't see my lower half which was tight black pencil skirt (so tight my boyfriend had to zip it up for me.......didn't quite need a shoe horn, but still!) black fishnet stockings(really stockings and suspenders for me) and my blue dolly shoes! I thought I looked good, and my red lippy and false eyelashes helped with the retro (bit drag queeny) look!

My boyfriend, being far more sensible than I was dressed more conservatively than I, but looked extremely dapper in black shirt and trousers (he won't even consider wearing fishnets for Rocky Horror!) So we headed into town, I have no idea what the taxi driver must have thought! Dropped in Temple bar we walked through the crowds of hen and stag parties, I actually felt quite normally dressed when I saw their attire! So we wandered through the streets (attracting some glances) we got to the Button factory where the event was happening and there was a huge queue of people dressed up, it was great, I actually felt quite glam compared to the "normal" people walking by, there were even some Japanese tourists taking pictures of the line, everyone who passed smiled, it was lovely to see such glamour on a Saturday night out in Dublin.

Safe inside the venue we were greeted by the smell of popcorn and candy floss, and usherettes dressed in fishnets and suspenders! The show was excellent, really packed though so we were standing throughout. The compere Des O Connor was excellent and the house band and Kristine Kappeli (sorry think that's right) were brilliant. Then there were the burlesque girls, in particular Ms Marianne Cheesecake who was brilliant, and it was all so enjoyable, not tacky or sleazy, but really in great taste, there were some "gentlemen" standing behind me saying, "Get it off.....nice tits.....!" that type of crap!

So I really enjoyed it, I loved the dressing up, I intend to go again, hopefully Saturday 31st May when they are having the Dublin Burlesque Ball, in Crush on Georges Street. I am trying to convince my friends to go......not having too much luck! Maybe it's the whole dressing up? I don't know!

Filthy Friday!

2008-05-16T16:50:00.002+01:00

The winner of this weeks filthy badge includes two of my favorite things Sex and Chocolate....combined! Actually the whole Dear Lover Blog is addictive reading and has been recommended to me by several blogger friends.

So again send me your address and I'll forward your badge, thanks for the fascinating reading!

In answer to the particular question.....my answer would be a king sized Mars bar....naturally, actually I remember trying that, very very messy!

(Here's a wholesome household tip, put it in the freezer for a while first, it will last longer!)

Chest pains, tubal ligation and a visit to the grim reaper!

2008-05-13T21:59:00.002+01:00

That title basically sums up my day today.....fascinating huh? I barely slept last night, about two hours, I was feeling crap mentally yesterday but also physically, I was having chest pains. Now as I'd had a hard weekend, lots of beer and beef, I just assumed it was indigestion of some sort and that with a light diet and lots of water it would improve, wrong!

So last night I went to bed, after a final blog post and a chat with my boyfriend, the pains were still there but not wanting to make a fuss I didn't say anything, just settled down with my book hoping I'd read myself to sleep....it must have worked because 30 minutes later I woke from a terrible nightmare with pains shooting from my chest into my shoulder and down my left arm, even my neck was in pain....now it wasn't constant, intermittent, so I took a deep breath did some relaxation exercises and tried to unclench, but by two am it was so bad I was convince I was gonna die, alone in my bed and that my children would find me Ala Paula Yates (a fear I think all mothers share....or maybe just scummy ones like me?) So I picked up my mobile, made a call, who did I call? A doctor? An ambulance? My folks? No....I called my ex husband, just to tell him what was happening in case I did die, he could call my phone early in the morning, and if I didn't answer intervene in the possible Paula Yates situation.........I KNOW!!!!!FUCKING INSANE!!!!

So this morning it was as bad, I got about two hours sleep, and my eldest guy actually had biscuits for breakfast (I did make him a proper lunch) I was in so much pain, then while trying to communicate with my four year old daughter, her upstairs, me down, I shouted and the pain ripped through me, I felt like an alien was gonna pop right out of my chest front and back! I called my GP, "Hi doc, you'll probably laugh but I'm having chest pains, never happened before, just wondering could it be indigestion, should i buy Rennie or something?" he hesitates, "Come straight in Midge". Not what I wanted to hear, heart is pounding in my ears as I shower and get dressed, wrangling the two youngest kids and then dropping the girly into Montessori, making small talk, all the time thinking.....I'm having a heart attack.....!

So to cut a short story long, I wound up in my docs, making small talk with an elderly nun, trying to stop my toddler from destroying the waiting room, trying not to think of the germs on the things he was chewing on...Doc calls me in. Does the usual, listen to lungs and heart, examines me for any rashes, bangs on my back and pokes my tummy, not saying anything, takes my pulse, then he does my blood pressure, three times! I have had blood pressure issues in pregnancy and I know they only do it several times if they don't believe their eyes....it was bad, really high... Arse, fuck shite!

So he says the pains in my chest, neck and arm are all stress, my heart and lungs seem fine but it is lucky I came in cos my pressure is dangerously high, and he knew what the culprit was, the contraceptive pill.....he crossed his arms, a bad sign with my doc, leaned back against the bed thing and said, do you want anymore children? I said no, he said you need to come off the pill, now! He then went on to ask me questions about the frequency of my sex life which obviously embarrassed him, I tried to relieve the tension with humour but telling him the frequency of my sexual encounters completely ruled out condoms purely on financial ground didn't seem to help! Anyway I can stay on it until the end of the month, cos getting pregnant would be lethal for my blood pressure too (yippee, I love being me) and on June 5th I have an appointment with the same doctor I was with for two of my pregnancies (but never needed) he is Dr Boylan, I think the master or a former master, and I will be pleading for the right to be neutered.

I am a wee bit down, while I know I have to get it done it is the end of a chapter in my life although that's also a good thing, I will be able to focus on study or career and eventually travel and all those things I definitely want to do without the worry that a baby might come along unexpectedly! All that safe sex, with no horrible pill hormones....I am looking on the bright side!

I also have to get back on the lifestyle wagon, red meat bad.....fish and veg all the way, exercise more and stress less, I know I can do it, I did it before. I told the doc I'd had a mad weekend drinking far too much so he said to try to leave at least one day between drinking except for one exception, my 2 glasses of red wine with dinner (cholesterol hates red wine or something) . So that's it, I have salmon in teriyaki marinade in the fridge for dinner tomorrow, noodles to go with...yummy! Kids were not as excited to hear that our once weekly treat would be bi weekly from now on!

Now, the Grim Reaper!

I had arranged to visit my mum today as I was feeling so low yesterday and she was dying to see my kids, so we went over, got there at 5...Kids delighted, "Look! Granda is home!" my dad works a 12 hour day still, he is 60, so for him to be home 2 hours early was great, but I could tell everything in the garden wasn't rosy. "Your father walked out of his job this morning !" my mother hissed at me in the kitchen. "What!" Apparently things had been getting to him, the attitude of the younger guys, the fact that no one listens to him, then mum has been unwell and he worries about me and my brother, and his own health worries on top of it all, he just cracked. Now it is the family business but he doesn't own it, he still needs an income. He went to the doctor who diagnosed depression and gave him a cert, he is gonna be off work for several weeks....my poor mum! He is floating around the house like the grim reaper, or more like Kevin the teenager, I spoke to him at one point and he ignored me so my mum said "Midge spoke to you!" He was unbelievable, happy to play with the toddler but narky with the other two......OH GOD HELP US!

Finally before I head to my Léaba, my lovely little snake Sammy, I saw her feed fro the first time tonight, usually she waits until it's dark but her food was a day or two late and five minutes after I put it in she was over...it was fascinating, and freaky and creep. It was amazing to see her inch her jaw open then it just went, I wonder does it hurt? it reminded me of birth but in reverse if you see what I mean? And when it was just ending as she was swallowing the bum and tail end she gave me such an intense stare, I'm gonna assume it was gratitude and nothing more sinister...

Next time will video her for my blog?

Oíche Maith!

Sorry for lack of comments

2008-05-12T21:19:00.002+01:00

My computer is working basically but for some reason does not want me to comment, which is such a pain in the ass, as commenting is kinda the best bit, getting to interact with people! So I apologise for not being able to keep in touch but until I win the lotto (which I never enter) I can't communicate with you guys!

Went to my sons football match tonight, it was my night off, kids dad comes over on a Monday and I go out, but generally cos there is no one around on a Monday I wind up going to the cinema or Dundrum, but tonight I let my eldest son bully me into going to his football match, now I don't usually go so I felt I had to, but standing there surrounded by the sport loving dads, and the occasional sports mum (there were only 7 parents in total) I just felt so out of place, I just don't get soccer, I don't understand the rules, I never know why the other parents are shouting at the ref, I don't know all the kids names on the team (I know 4 of eight) I don't get the shouting at young kids, some of the parents get really pissed off at their kids, they act like it's life or death, I just don't have the energy. I cheer when something good happens, I shout out random "Good Shots" but I never berate my son (or his team mates) for being crap! And his team never win....ever, in fact they often lose 10 or 15 nil! So what do these parents expect? I can't imagine what the car journey home must be like, if they publicly berate their kids what happens in private? Now I have to saw the coach isn't like that he is a good positive guy, he shouts at them, and will tell them when they are crap but he is there week after week keeping the team going.

So I am standing on the side line, my picnic rug and book useless on the ground (what kind of mother would I be sitting there while my kid played football? yes that's right a happy one!) and one of the very sporty mothers comes over, she is sporty herself and coaches kids hockey, she is a lovely woman, but a bit too healthy for me, I always feel so lazy next to her, so we are chatting away and I mentioned that the coach had given up cigarettes yesterday and she said good, then she said, "I was diagnosed with cancer last week", I said "what, sorry? Who has cancer?" "I do".......

Now I put my hand on her arm, it's breast cancer, chemo to start no lumpectomy, we talked for a while about how healthy she was, and that would stand to her, also that the chemo now is a lot better than it was ( I told her about my mums experiences) she is terrified, she has four children, she has her first session on Wednesday and is waiting to find out if it has spread, I felt awful.

She said she is being open about it cos it's so scary, people get freaked out when you talk about cancer, she has beautiful long hair which she knows she is gonna lose, she is going wig shopping this week. With her energy and positive attitude I know she will beat it. Then we were chatting about other stuff and I said something about my ex and she said..."Are you separated?" it was an OH MY GOD moment, and we discussed how people don't talk openly about that either. There are so many things we don't talk about aren't there? Is it just Irish people? Or is it people in general? Sex, depression, loneliness....list goes on doesn't it?

So I am sitting in front of the computer, finishing my sixth post of the day, and I am crying again, I don't really know why, I am sorry for the soccer mom, I hope she will be OK, I am sorry for me and I hope I'll be OK too and I'm thanking God I'm not facing what she is, and that makes me feel bad, for feeling slightly lucky. But am I luckier? She has a supportive husband who will be there with her, I don't have that anymore (if I ever did, I just don't know) . I just feel like a kid today, like Tom Hanks in Big, I've woken up and my life is not how it should be, things are scary and I have no idea how to deal with them, I don't feel very grown up, in fact I just want to do what I did as a child and teenager curl up in bed with a book and my Walkman, shut out the world and lose myself in a story. But when I was young it was possible to do that and it improved the situation, when I took off the earphones my parents would have calmed down or my boyfriend would be in a better mood, but now I know it's all just staying the same, no matter how long I try to hide from my problems they are still gonna be there.

Anyway, everyone who read my blog today probably thinks I am going insane, I am not, for the moment anyway, but I needed to express all this stuff, it helps with the loneliness and it is important to be honest about the bad things as well as the good stuff.

Yay!

2008-05-12T20:57:00.002+01:00

I am not total computer ninny, managed to upload or down load...or what ever the hell load, the Ting Tings new video, my guys love this and we have been bopping around to it in the sun for the last week, some of the words my daughter puts to the music are so funny! She has a great little ass shaking dance going on and dressed in her shorts and tops for summer looks scarily lolitaesque!

First Steps

2008-05-12T16:09:00.003+01:00

It's been going on for weeks now my 13 month old will take one or two faltering steps and then just plop down on his bottom in shock, I was starting to think he was just too lazy, as even the baby sitter had said he wouldn't try to walk.

But today he did it, just stood up and walked about three feet.......he could do it just like that, which is a bit worrying and ties into my belief that he is a genius....an evil genius that is, who has been walking secretly for how long now? He has also learned how to hug and kiss, and crawl down backwards off chairs or beds. Yes he is 13 months....just turned thirteen months, but will it be lucky or unlucky for me?

I have a serious problem, he won't wear shoes, of any sort, and now that weather is warmer not even a sock goes near his feet, (which is probably why he has increased his mobility) He is not going to wear any kind of shoe, just as an aside now, he took my mobile phone and put in in between the door and the frame just now.....and smashed it! OH GOD!

Does anyone know if they still do exorcisms in John Lane's church?

Love him and his evil ways!

Never count your blessings?

2008-05-12T14:36:00.002+01:00

So this morning with the two older ones dispatched to school and Montessori I sat down to blog, and I blogged an=bout how happy I was and how lucky I felt to have friends, which of course I am, but then at 1.45 pm it hit me, the loneliness.

I spent roughly the last ten days in company, surrounded by friends and family, but today after I picked up my daughter from Montessori and we were on our way back from doing some chores, my daughter was in overtired cranky form and we got caught up in a tiny bit of traffic, my baby was not impressed and he started to cry, really really loudly. I felt myself filling up, and then the tears just started to roll down my face. I just felt so alone.

Maybe I'm just not cut out for living alone, I love when my house is full of my family and friends, I love it when the kids are having a ball and the adults are just chatting away about crap, it's the same when I go to my parents and my brother is there, or any events that involve my extended family. I spent a lot of my childhood in my maternal granny's house and she was queen of entertaining so maybe that's rubbed off on me, house was never empty, she always had people for lunch or tea and while she didn't really like visiting other peoples homes she loved to have her house filled with laughter. Oh and singing, now I'm not that bad, everyone hasn't got to have a party piece!

But the loneliness struck me today, I am alone, all my mummy friends are back in their normal routines, my non mummy friends are in work, I have a few hours off tonight as my ex husband has access with the kids, but my eldest son has a football match that he wants me to go to with him "Cos you haven't been to see me play in ages....." and some people doubt children's intelligence and ability to manipulate? I haven't been in ages cos his dad likes to go, and generally his dad has him when he has a match, so I don't go anymore. So tonight I won't get to meet a friend or anything, Oh I'll make small talk with the other soccer moms, "Gosh isn't your son good? Really he's going to Blackrock college?" and then I won't see anyone tomorrow, maybe Wednesday evening my boyfriend might come over to stay, but that will be the first proper conversation I'll have this week, I don't have work, so I have no colleagues to chat to. I have a good neighbour mummy friend I can call on generally, but she has so much going on right now, all the general taxi driver mother stuff, two lots of homework etc.

I was at the funeral last week and I spoke to a friend of the family who has suffered with his health for his entire life, and he hadn't seen me since the huge changes in my lifestyle last year, "How are you?" I asked, "OK!" He replied, "Sure you have to keep going don't you? Keep on smiling?" I replied. He just looked at me like I was mad and said, "No, sure how do people know how you really are if you don't tell them, and if they ask and they don't want to know the truth, tough shit!". Maybe he's right, maybe I'm wrong, maybe the stiff upper lip, keep on smiling until you burst into tears thing just doesn't work?

It was a lovely weekend for me, but it was also my ex husbands birthday weekend, he had drinks with a lot of his friends, new and old, some of whom are shared friends, and while it shouldn't bother me at all, and I have pretended that it hasn't bothered me, it does. I want to be OK with it all, and I suppose I will be eventually, but I have to admit the fact that he is celebrating his birthday with old mutual friends and his new partner (who is lovely) is there instead of me, it makes me sad, it makes me miss my old life I suppose, cos entertaining was always fun, so it's hard to put happy memories out of my head and replace it with memories of rows or disagreements! I know I am being hypocritial in that I celebrated my birthday with my boyfriend, and my friends, but apart from one all the friends who came were always my friends, which I suppose is a bit strange, none of the male friends I would have known when I was married came, but then I notice even my married friends husbands don't know how to act around me now.

So I am lonely, lonely and tired, I miss someone coming home at the end of the day, I miss someone to talk to, as it is most weeknights I go to bed at nine.....that's kinda sad isn't it, but the house is empty when the kids go to bed. As I don't watch TV I go to bed, try to read, and generally have fallen asleep by the time my boyfriend texts to see am I up for a chat.....the extremely loud beeping of my phone can't even wake me! So I miss the only opportunity for adult conversation that I got all day, some days I try really hard to stay awake, and he is so zonked he has fallen asleep!

Now before you say but your ex partner is calling over tonight to see the kids, two things, he is calling to see the kids, not me, and secondly he had a lovely birthday weekend, a nice night out and movies last night, he got lovely presents off his friends and girlfriend and I just know if he tries to tell me about his weekend I'll cry! Which isn't fair on him, or me really, so I texted him today basically saying, feel really crap, please just leave me alone tonight. Horrible, but what other option do I have, get upset, let him see? What good does that do? We are separated, we only have the children connecting us, no matter what we may say, if we hadn't had kids I doubt we would be attempting to be so civil to each other, would we? Obviously we have know each other for so long I would hope eventually we would be friends, but so soon? Maybe after a couple of years?

Sorry, really awful post after the loved up post earlier, but that's what happens sometimes, it is swings and roundabouts.

Really need a holiday I suppose, I've been saying that for so long now, like years....threatening to book myself a week alone in the sun and bring ten paperbacks to read, but I still haven't done that, and I know why...

I've actually just had a revelation right now blogging, I've never taken that holiday, in fact any holiday I take is never about doing nothing and relaxing, my trip to Maine last year should have been like that but no matter how much my hosts insisted I just couldn't relax, felt like I had come to visit them so I needed to entertain them, mad. But that ties into why I am upset today, after my fun week or so, it was fun (mostly) but I was so busy, so busy, I didn't stop at all, it was constant, and when I am constantly moving or out socialising, out and about, I don't get upset, I don't really think about things! So if I went for a week to the sun my head would probably explode. In fact this shouldn't be such a revelation, my boyfriend is always telling me to relax, I just seem to find it tough.....

Anyway, enough for now, need to keep busy!

Nuacht

2008-05-12T10:42:00.003+01:00

I have to apologise again, as my laptop is broken I won't be posting videos in my blog posts....which some of you will be grateful for but there is one I really want to post and it's a pain in the bottom that I can't, I also can't seem to post pictures......look I may have a blog and all that but when it comes to technology I am a ninny!

So anyway here is a summary for the last week or so of my life.......

My mum isn't great (thanks for asking Ash and Ails), they finished the treatment on Friday, they wanted her to stay in this week for just respite care, no treatment but she just wanted to get home. There are three main problems that she has and the problem is by treating one they make the others worse. They are talking about surgery on her spine, but she is terrified so I can't see her agreeing to that. Mum got very depressed last week in the Hospice, really low, I think three weeks of agonising treatment that just made it worse is just too much for her. She was so bad on Friday when I was there she could hardly sit or stand, was barely able to walk. It's breaking my heart.

On a brighter note my little baby is mush better, still runny nose and (intermittent) conjunctivitis, but I think that's teething. He is doing a lot of cruising, right now we are in the hall and he is walking a few steps before he remembers to crawl, so he is thriving. My oldest son had midterm last week so I kept my daughter out of Montessori too, we had a lovely week doing lots of things, enjoying the sun and catching up with friends.

We did have one sad day though, my ex husbands grandmother died and I brought the children to the funeral, I come from a family of undertakers, I see making children aware of the cycles of life and death as important, they knew and loved her so why shouldn't they mourn her? And they were great comfort to their father and grandparents. They got upset towards the end of the service, and asked me why funerals were made to be so sad? Kids ask great questions, you can really be surprised! Their dad was feeling low and spent the day with them, as I said they ear great comfort, reminds you what's important.

As I mentioned in a previous post I went out to "The Blue Note" on Friday and had a ball, then Saturday night I went to a friends house, we drank Polish Wodka and had a Chinese (Cantonese roast duck......drool) then we watched Tom Hanks (who I have very little time for generally) in "Charlie Wilson's War", I really enjoyed it, although Julia Roberts looked like an anorexic space alien. Saturday night was chilled and relaxed, and I came home reminded of all the blessings I have in my life, probably the most important of those (apart form my children) is the friends I have in my life, the ability to make strong connections with other people, to share my life with them and be able to share their lives. I was feeling quite "loved up" when I thought about it, the significance of friendship in my life, and how rich my life is, although at times I feel lonely, generally I am extremely lucky!

Yesterday, again loved up I bought the kids a bouncy castle, for one hundred euro in Argos, (sure I just won't eat this month) my boyfriend and his kids came over and my friends and their two kids, they had a ball on the castle and we had yummy BBQ, even the baby enjoyed himself, and again a lovely day spent with friends, watching my kids and their friends playing together.

I think friendship and genuine connections between people is what life is about, it's what brings real contentment and happiness, I don't think money or success or romantic love can bring as much contentment as friendship.

Jesus, sorry, really loved up ........

A Retraction

2008-05-12T10:21:00.002+01:00

I would like to apologise for my awful late night post on Friday night....actually early hours of Saturday morning! I have actually no idea what the fuck it was about, or who Tom is, or what my boyfriend and i were fighting over.....all I know is I woke shivering on the sofa at four in the morning, crawled into bed beside him and had no idea there was a problem until next morning when I was driving home and he called me and tried to read the crazy ramblings to me over the phone!

In an attempt to explain we were out on Friday night, " The Blue Note" on Capel Street and had a few alcoholic beverages (they had Coors light on draught.....maybe I was a bit bold!) But we had a great night, well I did anyway, and it even ended with chip sandwiches, so perfect!

So to my boyfriend, and to you the blogging community I apologise for using the Internet while drunk..... very very dangerous!

Btw the red dress and corset is my option for next Saturday at the burlesque night, I have to admit on Monday morning, dressed in a Stones T-Shirt and crappy jeans it just seems like too much effort!

Late at night post!

2008-05-10T03:08:00.002+01:00

hey, I am in my boyfriends house, fighting cos I don't want tom be a pain in the ass!

But give me a hand, I haD my dress the red dress with corset, you can tell me if it is ok....;/